Nerd Poker - Episode 9 - Tower Treachery

Episode Date: April 11, 2018

The crew has had enough of whatever nonsense the Gostel Mage College is serving up in their pretentious waiting rooms. While half the crew rallies the students, the other decides to raid the tower floor by floor. Sadly no Sarah this week, but fear not for she shall return!

Hey everybody, I'm Brian Poussaint Comedian, writer, actor, nerd. I've been playing D&D with my friends for a long time. I decided to do a new podcast where we play Dungeons & Dragons in my very own dining room. With my wife, kid, and my noisy dogs. So meet my friends... Sarah Ken Sam

Lee Now it's time for another episode of Brian Poussaint's Nerd Poker Season 2. Hey, everybody. It's Brian Poussaint, and you're listening to Brian Poussaint's Nerd Poker Episode 9. Yeah, it's the middle of the night. Yeah, it's late. Sarah had to go home. Sarah's not here for this one.

Sorry about that. It was a shorter episode. She's not here, man. Because Dan has some family stuff coming up. And I'm going away with my family next week, so we couldn't record for a couple weeks. Yeah, a couple of vacations just fell on top of each other. We've got to do this.

I have my family. Thanks for your patience. Yes. Can I thank one Patreon person? Ken Dan Blaine, yes, please. I just want to thank this one particular person Because they left a comment in the NerdPoker Patreon His name is Greg Schell

S-C-H-E-L-L And he said How do you change your profile name? Apparently I need something funny to get mentioned No you don't, Greg. You did it, Greg. If anyone who works at Patreon is listening, his name is Greg Shell.

Greg? Greg Shell. He doesn't know how to get his name mentioned on the show. Greg Shell. Is it Greg's Shell? No, it isn't. Just Greg Shell? I mean, I could yes and you, but it's just Greg Shell. Greg Shell.

You don't want to make anybody mad. We're totally walking on Craig Shells around this. I mean, we need to get some kind of tech support involved. I mean, I'm not tech support, so if you don't know how to use Patreon, don't just post. Maybe if you get a hold of Greg Shell. I would say that your name is a certain thing, and in this case, it's Greg Shell. Greg Shell. Thanks, Greg Shell. I've been working on this. Greg Shell!

Jesus. Highway Greg Shell! Please. See what it's like to try to get through exposition on this podcast, Brian? I've been working on this album for a long time. On my two comedy records, I've done a couple of songs over the

years. I covered The Gambler, did More Metal Than You, and Metal by Numbers, and I've been wanting to do a full comedy metal record for a while, and I'm doing one for Megaforce Records, and it's almost done. It's called Posane, and it's called

Offenders of the Fake, and it's got a bunch of the Fake and it's got a bunch of dudes all over it. Exodus. A bunch of guest stars. My band is already No Slouch. It's

Brendan Small and Scott Ian and Joey Vera from Armored Saint and Anthrax. And this is a little thing I just just got today and this is just a rough this is a little thing I just got today.

And this is just a rough track, but we're almost done with the record. And it's a cover of a very famous 80s song. The way, I don't think you've ever heard it before. And this is me, Chuck Billy, Jill Janis from Huntress, who we hope we're going to have her come and play with us one night. Yeah, yeah. I remember you mentioned her. She's fucking crazy cool and an incredible singer.

And what she does to the song is just amazing. Like, I listened to it probably 18 times today because I'm so stoked on it. Here's a little bit of it. De-de-ding. I'll be coming for you, okay? I I And it gets even more metal as it goes. Let's get to the solo. Hold on. Now, is that actual Satan?

That's Chuck Billy from Testament. This song always needed a solo And this is Brendan Small right here Anyway, that's the way I've always wanted that song to sound. I'm mad we have to play D&D now. Yeah, I've always wanted that song to be metal, and now... I've seen versions on the internet, but never with my favorite metal singers. Can you do a video with you being penciled, going through a mirror? That would be fucking awesome.

Make that happen. But that'll be out soon. But I was really stoked on it and wanted everybody to hear a little sample of it. That's amazing. Yeah, good job. Hooray!

And we are in a tower in Gostel full of magic. You guys broke through a window after being given the runaround twice, waiting in the lobby of this mage tower to talk to the Archmage Sermanic.

Finally, through a combination of deception and window smashy, you got to what appears to be the study of the Archmage. Sarah, who is not currently with us, used Esmeralda's actor feat to convince the Archmage

that she was in fact Zeris, the student liaison. And the door opened and you see in black robes Archmage Sermanic sitting in a chair and he says, Zeris, who are these people? Why are you coming in? Do any of you want to step on Sarah's character that I'm driving? Or do you want to let her? I would say that you know what she wanted to do.

Yeah, she says, I don't know who the imposter was that just came in here before me. But I'm here on very important business. but I'm here on very important business. I'm sorry that I had to charm everyone and let them through the magic portal. But we've been trying to get in here for hours. It's super important. These other schools are, what's the name of the one that? Roke?

We just came from Roke. Oh, I heard there were You know there were noises In that direction I'm not sure what happened What were the noises? Everybody's being murdered Oh well I mean that was a few weeks ago I mean we haven't really checked in with that school In a while but

But uh There's more problems After those noises? All of the schools are going to be taken over. Yeah, yours was next on the list, so we came to warn you. And it was going to happen during your crazy spring break party tonight. He looks to Esmeralda, who's disguised as Zerus, and says, please cancel tonight's performance.

This sounds very serious. Thank you for bringing this to my attention. All right. Sounds good. Problem solved. Good night! Hey, can you take a little surreptitious gander at this guy with your scarab? Sure.

Use my sleight of hand yeah do a do do do do do do deciding whether i should make you do sleight of hand or deception but i think sleight of hand sounds good why don't you do a little sleight of hand check a difficulty 18 oh you got that well well over uh yeah um you see just sort of like you where are you where are you kind of gonna hold it as you to kind of make it on like so you can see through it i'm gonna stand behind him if i can not really because he's kind of got his back to the wall and he's like 20 feet away from you and then the implication is he wants you to kind of i'm going to uh when i see him pull the scarab out i'm gonna uh let's see so where is this uh

where was this party supposed to take place at the foot of the tower i'm just going to distract him with a couple of questions okay he glances your way um okay um i'll say that he is going to do a perception check. He's a misdirect too. Right, right. Let's see how this works. He sees you holding it. He doesn't say anything. He keeps listening to Tui.

But as you kind of glance through it, you do notice his aura. Is it orida these three show nights oh my god Blaine's been awake for two hours he needs a nap

I'm actually on detox too this is a detox month for me. No pot, no booze. Detox month Monday. No fun. I'm getting my dreams are coming back. Oh, yeah. They're still dead.

Green aura. Green. Oh, okay. You're not sure what this means. Okay. We haven I agreed before? You've seen me before Magical makes sense It is definitely

a specific kind of magic Yeah, okay Irish Leprechaun magic Sorry, I just had some wheatgrass shots. Sermonic gestures towards the door and says, I see, I see. Zerus, please investigate

this and make sure no one attends this event. I'll have some of my servants spread the word. Everything should be fine. Can you turn this charm thing off so we can get out of here, please? Or is it a one-way door? He says, oh, it's one-way. You should be fine.

Okay, good. Oh, can I get my parking ticket validated? Do you really feel like this is enough? If he asks for it to be called off, if they don't have a party. What about these drows? Did you meet these drows? No. Who organized the party?

Well, Zerus. He's with you right there. Why don't you go discuss that with Zerus and he'll explain. Well, this isn't the real Zerus. Oh, no, Zerus actually is. That's what Sermanicus said. Did we see the other Zerus? Yeah.

He's in the room? He said he was going up to get Archmage Sermanicus. Right, but he's not in this room. You don't see him. That's weird. And the other person who said he was going up to see the Archmage also didn't come back. But this is the Archmage. As far as we know.

Should we ask him if he saw these guys? Sure. as far as we know. Should we ask him if he saw these guys? Sure. Did you... What was the other... He never got his name. When was the last time you saw Zerus?

How long have you been in this room? Were you higher up earlier? Well, someone came in here claiming his name was Zerus, but he seemed a little erratic and confused, so I sent him to go meditate upstairs. Oh, okay. All right. Well, we're going to try to shut down the...

Anybody else come looking for you before Zerus? Oh, I don't. I've been meditating myself. I don't remember. In this room? I don't remember. I've been meditating in here. Weird.

Let's go upstairs, though, while we can. Okay, well, we're going to go look for Zaris the others there is this oh that's don't no no no no let him meditate he's got a calm down it's okay he was like I said he was a rat all right well I'm gonna use the bathroom yeah you'm going to use the bathroom. Yeah, you've got to let him use the bathroom, seriously. He had some bad courtesans. I would say Esmeralda, as you guys turn around to leave, definitely shoots you guys a look like, I tried to go upstairs.

I want to go upstairs. Is it through his room? Do you shut the door behind you? No, is it through his room? We don't have to go. You do have to exit his room and go. Oh, okay, cool. Like when you exit, there's the stairs down to your left, have to exit his room and go okay cool well i'm like like when

you exit there's the stairs down to your left stairs up to your right okay cool then i'm gonna do you shut the door behind you yeah sure okay you don't want to see we don't have to see which way we're going head on up cool uh and uh you get to the next door and and it's locked. It's a very similar door. It doesn't look as big or as strong. Try picking it. Sure. Let's knock on the door. Wait.

Does anybody have any sort of thing where we could know when somebody's close? I don't know. Some sort of detect. I don't have any of it yeah nothing like that I'm gonna check Esmeralda's sheet night vision I mean yeah like it's

fill my eyes do you have double vision yeah better worse better worse better how about now Esmeralda doesn't have really like a detect i'm gonna let her turn back into esmeralda by the way try this you're gonna remove yeah it's

gonna remove excuse me guys oh i thought we were gonna use that use her as the other guy to cancel the party oh i thought we already... Oh, shit. We have to go around and talk to the people. Esmeralda holds a hand up and says, wait a minute, what's the plan here? Oh, right, right, right, right. We have to go around and cancel the party.

We have to talk to all the people. Yeah, Esmeralda says, yeah, you might actually want to leave the spell up on me so I can actually convince people because we don't know what really happened. Doesn't it seem like we should also find this guy or am I barking up the wrong tree? I don't know. We knock on this door

to the next floor and see what happens. Alright, we knock on the door. Silence. Alright. It's locked. It's locked. Difficulty 10. What's your deck bonus? It's your deck's bonus.

That's four, I think. Pops open. All right, what's in here? Much like the meditation room you were just in, it's small. There are walls covered in books and two more shelves in there, and there's no one here. All right. Head up another.

Anything look magical in there? You do feel like there might be some sort of like protection spell or there might be some sort of passive spell protecting the room or something, but you don't feel like... Making somebody invisible maybe? You're not sure. Okay.

Noted. You're not sure with your. Noted. Not, you're not sure with your basic senses. Right. What's the guy's name? The kid's name? Zaris. Zaris.

Zaris. Silence. All right. What's up, Peter? Uh, as Merauld is going to do a quick check and she doesn't sense anything I feel like

well we got to do both I feel like you guys should we should head out and tell the different schools not to go to this party the party's cancelled spread the word that the party's cancelled okay we'll do that by going to the different houses

I guess the different dorm, I guess. The different dorms? The different dorms, yeah. Yeah, sure, sure. There's one dorm that's seven stories underground. That's the deltas. Man, they party.

One of the dorms is seven stories underground, and the rest are all just around? No, there's just like one dorm. Oh, got it. It's like this dorm that's, it's like an underground tower. It's like a reverse. All right, so let's go in the dorm and start spreading the word. Can we print up any sort of, or write up some sort of flyers or something? The party's canceled.

We just put canceled. The party's canceled. Just spray paint on the side of the tower. Like in any 80s movie. It just says canceled. Can we just go out and kind of have a... Does Serena make a speech? Yeah, as Sarah says, gather round, hear ye, hear ye, the party is canceled.

Zaras, like Esmeralda's fake. Esmeralda's fake Zaras. Hear ye, hear ye, the party is canceled. Hear ye, and hear ye, and hear ye. Friends of River City. Sure. You can try. Try.

I mean, just to get the word out, just start yelling. How are you leaving? You're just heading down the stairs to the main landing again? Yeah. Okay. We're not going up? No, we've got to go downstairs and make this speech yeah right now

you're up on the third floor I'm not so worried about the other Zerus right now okay I don't know what that's about but

okay um as you uh head downstairs and out you don't notice anybody else uh

get down to the main landing or the waiting area and kind of feel the the magic bubble that's one way kind of like behind, almost like a membrane as you pass through it the other way. And you head outside, and sure enough, you see, you know, it's like 100 wizards just milling around.

You see off to the east is the side of the hill with the dorm kind of gateway to it. These wizards are all teachers, I guess? There's a mixture of teachers and students. Most of the teachers appear to be wearing darker robes. Most of the students are all wearing white or really pale brown robes. Is there something that is like the quad, like where people would gather? There is sort of like one of those outdoor theaters. You see there's like rows

of stone benches built in to kind of a pit and then at the bottom of the pit there's like a little stage that kind of descends down so you're looking down on the stage. Were there any preparations for the party being made anywhere? Did we notice? Not that you notice, no.

Intuition tells you that maybe it was going to happen inside the dorms later tonight. Okay. Well, where do you think we should do this? From the dorms or from this stage? Do both. Do it first here. All right.

Just shout out? I guess. Is there some sort of a bell we can ring or something? You don't really see one, no. Everybody seems pretty chill, like they're just getting high or reading books. Fucking wizards. Alright, well, she's gonna make her speech then, I guess.

I feel like maybe I could do it down on that little stage, but yeah, we should maybe head in that direction and call for everyone and you guys could like, corral them? I don't know. Sure, we can try that. Try gathering

people around. Can we do some kind of a magical flourish or something that'll attract people? That's a good idea. I'm wondering if I could. Does anybody have it? Do any of you guys have pyrotechnics? That's I think a second level spell.

Yeah, I do not. For some reason it says lightning here, but I don't remember. I know you have firebolt you could cast up into the air. You have... You could just do a fucking thunder wave straight up. You could do... Sure, let's cast some fireballs up. Is magic legal on the premises?

You don't know. Can I just use my disembodied hand to tap everybody on the shoulder? Hey, over there. It would take a while. I mean, you're only reaching a little farther than you would if you jogged up to somebody. Yeah, we just gotta... Yeah, it's showier.

Yeah, what you gonna do? Uh... Do a fireball. Somebody, whoever has that. I'll shoot some fireballs up in the air. Alright. So you go, and everyone kind of looks over.

I'll do my most feral What are you going to say? My feral yell of Listen up Everyone kind of looks over You're all just going to point over to the theater? For Esmeralda For Zeres I mean

Esmeralda Zeres goes Come over to the theater over here. Project. Come over. She's like, whoa. She shouts as loud as she can. We have something very important. Please fill out these benches over here.

Come on. Let's go. Let's go. And she kind of jogs down the steps to the theater. Is anybody reacting? Yeah, there's a few dozen people coming. Bodhi hustles everybody like a sheepdog.

Not everybody willingly. Some people actively ignore you. Some people actually look like they're going indoors. I'm going into the crowd to physically corral people. All right do a um intimidation or persuasion uh intimidation i have more points i think well then let's see what happens when you roll yeah what's the bonus there uh that's just a five okay so i would do it more than once You convince one person 19

Plus 7 Oh no no 3 So you get like another 20 people Cool And then you feel like Esmeralda's kind of As Zara's pacing back and forth And she's like oh we should really do this We're going to lose

Okay go So she says I know there was going to be some kind of seance here tonight, and I'm here to tell you I have very reliable word from these travelers here that the College of Roke has been laid siege because of an evil group of drow. This seance is a trap. They indoctrinate you through both potions and spellcraft.

They will possess you. They will summon a horrible tower of very dark magic, and we cannot allow this seance to happen. So please tell your friends, leave immediately. This is an emergency. This is not just an announcement. This is an all hands on deck situation.

Tell everyone. And she kind of looks at you guys and shrugs. Anything to add? I don't know. Just seance, no. Seance is canceled. Ooh, she rolled. Can you read what that is? Wow. She rolled a 20 on that so that's pretty uh everyone in attendance gets it and files out really fast and spreads the word a couple of

people walk up to the stage and talk to her directly and uh she walks back up to the top of the sort of pit theater pit to you guys and says, these guys want to, they seem really emphatic, like we should go tell Archmage Sermanic. I tried to explain, we just did, but they're like. Wait, who are they? These students. Okay.

That just came down. They're like the Archmage, like until he kind of tells us i don't know if anyone's like he usually if there's an emergency we have a word like yeah he's like there's a protocol in an emergency where are these guys huh where are these guys what do you mean well are they right in front of me yeah they're right in front of you this is the direct word from him. Trust me. Okay. What'd you roll? 11 plus 3. They go, okay, but I don't know who's gonna believe us.

Make them believe you. 11. Okay. They go, alright. We'll do our best, I want to stick around I want to make sure that this doesn't happen You see everybody

the word kind of spreads We should head to that Some people go into the dorms and a bunch of students come out of the dorms and everyone seems really concerned and they all start sort of crowding around the mage tower like they're waiting for something. Has anybody seen these drows?

That's why I wanted to talk to Zerus, too. Or am I asking a dumb question? Who are you asking, really? Everybody. I want to find these fuckers. these fuckers. Okay. Go up to a student of your choice and roll a...

I think it's a investigation check. Well, who should I be asking? I felt like Zerus was the guy. I mean, last you heard... That's who had organized this thing. The Archmage told you he went to the floor above him

to meditate. Right, but that's the guy who had organized it. Wasn't he? Wasn't he the guy who had supposedly... Yes. He wasn't he? Wasn't he the guy who had supposedly... Yes, yes. He wasn't there, so...

He was probably warning the drow somehow. Yeah. But he didn't go down. We think he only went up. Well, I think it's odd that the Archmage also didn't make any sort of announcement. He just said, tell people that it's canceled. You do kind of hear, as everyone crowds around the Mage Tower,

like, I guess Archmage Sermanic is going to say something any minute now or if this is for real. Okay. What should we do? We can't get back up now. No.

Damn it. Oh wait. Couldn't we get one of these assholes to cast what was the spell? What was the spell? What was the spell that we had to cast? The charm. Yeah, so that we can go through.

Yeah. Yeah, well, the ones we talked to... I'm going to grab the first professor. No, I'm saying the ones we talked to already. They all ran to the dorm. The ones you had just persuaded to spread the word all ran to the dorm. So they're spreading the word. Okay.

I want to go back upstairs. Okay. How are we going to get up there, though? Are we going to get a term put on us? Yeah. Can a professor do it? If we can convince him. You see there's two professors in front of the mage tower amongst the crowd.

We need to get back up. Can you help us? One of them turns to you and says, it sounds like you already talked to the archmage. She'll probably be down in a minute. Yeah, but we want to find one of the party organizers. We want to find this Zerus. Is that what you say? Yes.

He looks over and goes, Zerus is standing right next to you. This other Zerus. He says, what next to you. What are you talking about? This other Zerus. He says, what other Zerus? What are you talking about? Never mind. I'm from a strange land. I say strange things sometimes.

He squints his eyes at you and turns back towards the mage tower. I got a contact high from your pipe weed. He nods. He goes, yeah, that happens. Strong stuff. We get the good shit at MSU. What was I saying?

Yeah. You're trying to figure out how to get up there. You were hoping to persuade one of the professors. I won't hold all that conversation against you because it was just funny, but you can come up with a tactic to convince them. Can we see the other tower from here? You mean Roke? Yeah.

It's daylight, and you feel like part of what helped you see it from a distance is glowing and you just can't quite place it you know the direction it came from but there's also just enough clouds or and the tower is just far enough away pointed out to these people you don't feel like you can really eyeball it from here all right um how else could we get these guys to let us go up there we should have left a portal one of the instructors definitely mumbles something

about like they got Zerus with them Zerus can cast charm on them yeah that's true but it's fake Zerus damn it oh I'll cast a chub. Yeah Esmeralda goes my charm is not

working if only an instructor could help me right now. Yeah does that work? Nope. She does that and they don't bite. Can Zaras pull a

student to do that? Damn it. But again, it's like, I don't know why he didn't come down to the first window. I know, that's why there's something shady. I want to get up there. We can go back up the wall. Do we talk?

Right. Well, do we tell the people that something's wrong with the Archmage? Oh, yeah. Okay, so take me up to the first window. Yeah, well, we got in there before. We got past the spell before, didn't we? We crawled past it, yeah.

Yeah. Yeah, the spell that seemed to reject you happened halfway up the tower. You got in the second floor window. Yeah, the second floor we needed to go to. That's where he is. Yeah. Yeah, okay, so back in. Let's go up to the second floor

As you start To like fly up You're taking Esmeralda Zaras right? Yeah Couple of the professors shout out What's going on? There's none of that allowed on campus What are you doing?

We're going to talk to The Archmage Alright we saw you Break a window Up there before And we assumed because The Archmage. Alright, we saw you break a window up there before and we assumed because the Archmage didn't do anything like the professors are starting to like call people over. No, it's okay. Whoa, whoa.

What are you doing? Something's wrong with the Archmage. He's not reacting properly to our news. Persuasion check. Anyone who wants to object you get one shot. Okay. They don't buy it, Tom. They needed a 20.

Yeah. Plus five. I intimidate them. Go for it. We're going. Yes. What'd you roll? 16 plus three, so 19.

You needed a 20. Ah, fuck. They all seem to be very concerned now, but they're still like, you're breaking into our central tower. This is a little fucked up. Come on, you guys. You know we're good for it.

19. Plus what? For my persuasion. What's that persuasion? Is it a plus one? It's a plus four. They all go, ooh.

And one of the instructors runs through the front door. You're not sure what he's doing. I'm going. All right. Through the window? They're not going to physically stop me. Through the window? Yes. You notice it is mended.

I dashed it again. Strength check difficulty 012. Okay. Oh, that would have made it. Strength check difficulty, 012. Okay. Oh, that first one made it too. Okay. Yeah. As you punch through it, you feel like it's been magically reinforced, but you managed to crush it open anyway.

Okay. And you all kind of wiggle through, and you're back to that door again. Okay. The heavy one with the brass lock. We close behind you. What's her name? Let's just keep going. Sarah.

Let's keep going up. Oh. Okay. And not even bug him and find out why he... Let's not fuck with this archmage. We can get him on the way down. Let's find out what's going on. I feel like they're going up to some meeting place or something.

All right. Yeah, let's go up further. How many floors up are you going to go? Well, let's check each floor of the door. You get to the third floor. You know what the third floor is probably going to look like again? Yeah. Do you open that door again?

No. All right. Fourth floor. What are you going to do? Open the door. It is locked. It is similar to the third floor door. It is small and unassuming.

Picked. Can't lock no more. Pops open. More books. Alright. Nobody's in there. Keep going. Head up to the fifth floor. Yeah. Yeah.

Lock on the door. It's locked. Nobody answers the knocking. Good. P pops open. There's a bunch of little meditation mats. It looks like this is made for six people to meditate in. I'm already up the stairs. Yeah, there's nothing in here. No artifacts, it looks like.

I'm knocking on the next door. There's some focusing orbs. You notice Bodhi is really bored. It's not I'm bored. I'm on a mission. I know. I'm just being funny. What do you guys do? You follow him back up the stairs and ignore this room too?

Yeah. All right. You go up. Door's locked. It's also unassuming. Knock. Unlocked. Before you knock, you pop the lock open. You go inside. And it's some sort of like a sauna kind of.

There's like a mist in the air. There's benches to sit on. Nobody in there. Nobody in there. Let's just take a schvitz. I just feel like this whole tower is empty. Let's go to the next floor. I don't think it's empty.

The floor is just 30 stories? Yeah. All right. We'll get a workout. You get to the next floor, and it's actually, the door is blackened wood. It looks like a simple wooden doorknob, but it strikes out. Blackened?

What are you saying? Blackened. Color your door blackened. It looks almost like it's a charcoal door. Check for traps. Roll a 20. You don't notice any traps. Is that perception?

That is perception? I think so, yeah. I have a plus 11 to perception. You don't notice any traps. Okay, good. Is the door locked? Yes, it is. Did that work?

It is still locked. I like how you didn't even know what the difficulty was. You're just like, that's not a good roll. Yep, it kind of just goes... when you try to unlock it. Force it? Yeah. Try to unlock it again.

I'll kick it. Strength check. Difficulty 20. Yep, it's done. So, ka-chooom! You break the door in half and it just falls to the ground inside um there is some sort of magical fairy light and what appears to be a tree in the middle of the room oh wow the whole room has vines uh instead of walls, the light seems to be coming from some sort of fake sun-like thing in the ceiling. There's leaves and vines on the ceiling, and it's pouring through. The air seems thick with pollen. Set it on fire.

Is this where the wild things are? Set it on fire. It seems like where the tower takeover starts from. What? What did you just say? Where the tower takeover starts from? Yeah. Is it like that organic

weird... Nothing about it seems familiar. It just seems like there's a weird little fairy forest in this tower room. Scarab gives off. You bust out the scarab. Excuse me.

And everything is blue. Okay. We're in the Smurf land. You believe this means there's some sort of blessing on this room. Yeah. Let's go upstairs. You believe this means there's some sort of blessing on this room.

Let's go upstairs. You head up to the next landing, and instead of a room, there's just like a foyer with a bunch of chairs set up. No one's there. Keep going. You go up another floor, and there is a door. Knock. You hear, hello?

Hello? Zerus says... Who's Dave? Dave's not here. Oh, okay. I'm Dave. Where's the class? What's up?

Hello? Zerus speaks. Fake Zerus speaks. You poke fake Zerus Zerus says Esmeralda Zerus says hi And she kind of

Clears her throat she's having a little trouble Speaking as Zerus The polymorph is still working But you can tell she's kind of losing Her voice Of Zerus a little bit. And she says, hey, yeah, we're just looking for some people who went missing that went upstairs.

What's going on? And the door says, oh, just keep a watch. We'll let you know if anyone weird comes in here. So no one's come in? Nope. The door is still closed. You're just calling through this door. Yeah.

Is there a keyhole? Mm-hmm. Is there a keyhole? I can't put my eye up to it. There's your keyhole and you just sort of see a shadow. Like not a great keyhole to peek through sort of see a shadow like not a great keyhole to peek through strength check difficulty 15

yep got it it splinters into a thousand pieces and you see a young student mage sitting in a chair reading a book and he jumps to his feet yep he goes oh fuck he throws He jumps to his feet. Yep. He goes, oh, fuck.

He throws the book over his shoulder and starts waving his hands in the air. At what? The people who just kicked in the door of the mage tower. Oh, he's scared of us. Yeah. Sorry, wrong room. That's what I was going for.

Have you seen Zare? No, never mind. Do a wisdom saving throw. Have you seen Nevermind Do a wisdom saving throw Really Yep He's waving his hands at you Nope You black out

Really Yep All of a sudden you guys see Bodhi thud to his knees and kind of tip over on his side. Oh, boy. And he says, stay back. It's all right. We just got the wrong room. Sorry about that.

You destroyed the door. This is a sacred tower. What are you doing? It's an emergency. Somebody's trying to lay siege to the city. What happened to Archmage? What happened to Archmage Zermattic? We don't know.

That's part of the problem. What do you mean you don't know? Isn't he downstairs? He's downstairs, but he's acting strange. What have you done? He starts waving his hands in the air again. Hold person. All right.

He goes, Don't knock us out. Just don't. He goes Don't knock us out Just don't He goes Hey We're all gonna go upstairs He says very forcefully Alright

I'm gonna give Bodhi some Some smelling salts What happened? It was a long trip, we're home All right. I'm going to give Bodhi some smelling salts. What happened? It was a long trip. We're home. Oh, cool. Do a medicine check, difficulty 10, to see how easily he wakes up.

Five, and I have a plus 10. Okay, so yeah, yeah, yeah. I forget your medicine rolls are amazing. Yeah, you wake up. He's got the salts. He knows what's up. Cool. He palmed something from your new cook friend earlier that allowed him to immediately know.

Huh? Where's she? Typh is down by the horses. Probably she's probably cleaning the chicken she was plucking earlier. Suddenly these guys break down my bowl. Did you go upstairs? Just making waffles. You're going to head upstairs?

Yeah, I guess. Yeah, just keep going. Do you look out the window and see what's going on downstairs, outside? Sure, do a perception check. Four plus something. You see maybe there's some people outside. Yeah, yeah. Plus 11.

Yeah, you see there's some students kind of watching the tower. Yeah, yeah. That's 11. Yeah, there's some students kind of watching the tower. Right. Before you can make it to the next door, your head kind of bumps in invisible force. Oh, shoot. Hmm.

Can we get this guy to charm us? Yeah. Which guy? Where we have a whole person on. Hey, if you're going to cast a spell on us, why don't you cast a little charm? You go back downstairs to this guy? Let's go back down to this guy. You left him frozen in his study.

Yeah, that's fine. You get down to him and he goes, I'm going to unfreeze you. You're going to charm us. Got it? Any funny business, I'll light you up. I've done it before okay you ready

I love peanut butter sandwiches fuck you smash two or three minutes left till 45 you gonna punch him punch him in the face roll for initiative

oh boy yep I'm gonna attack him no tell me punch him in the face. Roll for initiative. Oh, boy. Yep. I'm going to attack him? No, tell me. If you're going to engage in combat right now, tell me what you rolled. Initiative, I got a 19.

Oh, my God. Strength, it would have been a 24, though, so. Esmeralda is sitting this one out. Yeah, I'm not fighting right now. Tui, but we are you fighting no I'm just punching him because I'm pissed and I want him to go to we are you fighting I'm gonna wait and see what happens when he's done punching you roll the five so you're up yeah roll a strength check say punch him or just shake him? It's too late, huh? No, I mean, it's an aggressive physical action,

and because you rolled ahead of him in combat order, you get to do it before he can react. I'm just going to grab him. I'm not going to punch him, but I'm going to grab him and say, you're going to charm us. We're going upstairs now. Intimidation check, difficulty 18. Okay.

Yes. He goes, fuck. Right on. I got right 18. 15 plus 3. So he waves a hand and you feel a magical sensation come over you. Nice.

Keep going upstairs. You got a big heart, man. My friends too. He says, I can only cast it once a day i'm sorry please don't kill me all right well i'm gonna keep going then guys uh tell us what happens we want to fly outside the window and we'll keep uh oh we could right couldn't he keep me i can only get up to that certain point that i get bounced out but once oh and it's right here right oh you know what i'm gonna maybe zip out a window and see if i can pass it and go up another window yeah okay and then i'll go up you do manage to go up one more floor and you don't hit the uh the the sort of magical charge that propels you away from the

tower just yet try it again see in the, you can see Bodhi wave at you. Yeah, I'd go to another floor. Go two up? No, you want to check the next floor? Oh, yeah, yeah, I'll check it, whatever's... Cool. The floor above this guy. There's an oaken door.

Oaken door. I knock on it first. No response. Hello? No response. I? No response. I'm going to maybe keep going. Not open it? No, I don't think so.

Go up again? Or is there any way he can look in and see if there's anything? No. You wave at Tui. Can you look into the room? Can he see into the room? Can I look into the room? How are you looking into the closed door?

Through the window? Oh, yeah, the window's not on the room. The window's on the room. Okay, right. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So he'd have to go around. There's very small rooms, basically, all the way up this tower that are in the core.

Okay, okay. Yeah, they're small because there's still, like, a tunnel in the middle of the tower. Okay. I'm going to skip this one and just keep going. Keep going? Yeah. You get up three more floors.

As you go, they're all locked. There's no response. And then your head kind of hits another unseen force that your charm doesn't seem to get you through this time. All right. force that your charm doesn't seem to get you through this time all right uh also twee as he hits this floor you feel resistance like you can't keep following bodhi past like the 15th floor i don't know what else to do burn down the tower yeah that's always the first thing i want to do wasn't it the tower that was changed in the other?

The tower destroyed itself. It crumbled, it shook apart, and then the fungal spire kind of rose up where the tower used to be. Okay. We don't think it was... All right. I'm going to go to the door, the nearest door. Okay, like as high up as you can go. You're like the 14th floor. Yeah, I'm on the 14th floor. I'm going to hit the door, the nearest door. Okay, like as high up as you can go.

You're like the 14th floor. I'm on the 14th floor. I'm going to hit the door there. You knock on it or hit it? Knock on it first. You hear a voice. Hello? I need your help.

Sure, come on in. All right, I come in. I open the door. Okay. Let's have an argument, please. You don't see anyone right away. You see some bookshelves and a voice says, yeah, come on in. I have dark vision.

Now what do I see? I mean, you just can't quite see around the corner. You feel like the voice is around the corner. It says, come on in. All right, I'm in. You walk through the door? Yes. Yes.

You feel a sharp stabbing pain in your back. And take 10 points of damage. You've been stabbed. Alright. You're going to kill someone now, right? Yeah. You've been stabbed. Alright. You're gonna kill someone now, right? Yeah. You've been stabbed.

We're at 45 minutes. Do you want to push through a little bit longer? Yes. If these guys can, can you guys hang out for a few more minutes? Then we could only... This won't be another short episode and listeners will be like oh, phew. Okay, cool. Well, do i get to do

anything is it my turn uh i spin on the guy it was a backstab you've been backstabbed yeah is it still in me you can't tell you just feel searing pain and your right shoulder blade there's an empty gatorade bottle but you're gonna spin on the guy and fucking destroy for initiative i'm still done with esmeralda

right correct lower force sadly you're fucking destroyed. Roll for initiative. I'm still down with Esmeralda, right? Correct. Sadly, you're a silent observer. I have a new plan. 18. Or you will if you learn about what's about to happen. 18. He got a 17, so you're up. Cool. I spin on him and grab him. Who is it?

You turn around and you just see sort of like a black shadow behind some sort of curtain. The curtain is parted a little bit, and there's some sort of shape reaching out, but it seems magically obscured. Well, I'm going to grab him with my gauntlets of ogre power and pull him towards me.

All right, strength check. Adivity of a 12. All right. I feel like you got that. No, not on that first one. Okay, so you grab at it and it just seems like it's rooted to the back wall. Okay, then I swing my Herald of Kalmar at him instead. All right.

And I'm raging. Sure. Yes, that's it. All right, roll for damage. The curtain catches on fire. Good. Perfect. I'm starting to like this.

10. Great. this uh 10 great so you do uh 10 points of damage and uh the shape fizzles into view uh you see this very lanky pale elf with large saucer like eyes and no pupils and sharp little piranha teeth. Oh, okay. Yeah, one of these. Meanwhile. Oh, so he's one of the ones that's here to do this, right? You don't know. You haven't seen one of these guys since way back a long time ago. Since the future.

I want to take Esmeralda Zaras, go back down and tell the people that the Archmage is in danger. We have to come up and help him. You start heading down the stairs. Oh, you are... We're going to go back to combat for a little while because that

is the sort of thing that might be best suited for either the very end of the episode or the beginning of the next episode. I feel like we want to get through a little bit of this combat encounter. I just want you to know what the plan was. Bod I feel like we want to get through a little bit of this combat encounter. I just want you to know what the plan was. Bodhi versus the assassin. No, it's good to say that out loud because either way,

that's more tension for the listener. He tries to stab you again and misses. Okay. You're up. Shit. You shit. Well, I want it on my outside. You see through the window a burst of flame.

Okay, I'm going to smash the window out with the butt of my sword. Smashy smashy, do a strength check difficulty of 12. 15? Smashy smash. It pops open and you're able to fly through as this happens. Okay. Go, Bodhi. I can't decide if I want to shake him up and find out information

or if I just want to kill him and then get to the next guy. That would be a tough choice for Bodhi. I think he would really want to murder, but he would have a fleeting thought of, like, this guy's got info. God, what can I do? He's not. Are they vamps? I forget what they are.

They're not vamps. You guys kept thinking they were vamps, but they're like golem-like elves. So he's not going to bite me. I'm going to try to put him in a sleeper hold and control him. I'm going to say that's an athletics check difficulty 020. This dude's right in front of you. You're trying to fucking grapple and twist around him. Yes.

All right. You get him in a sleeper hold. He's going to try to use his turn to get out of a sleeper hold he's gonna try to use his turn to get out of a sleeper hold and he succeeds so you do a 1d6 for damage against him before he breaks out

3 so he takes another 3 as he breaks free and it's your turn again. How many more of you are there? Do an intimidation check. Difficulty 18. Yes.

Wow. He says plenty enough. I stab him. Hail to Kalmar again. Go for it. Yep. Do you roll for damage? 11 plus fire nice and then I stab him again or do I get another yeah he spits some blood and you can try to stab him again yeah that would be a 14 that's a Okay. Nine.

Cool. He waves a hand in your face. Do a constitution saving throw, difficulty 15. Yes. You feel a really gross feeling in your stomach, but you managed to resist it. You're up. Okay. I headbutt him, and then I stab him again. Okay.

I'm so fucking pissed. Can I frenzy? Ooh. Yeah. Friend zone? You're going to friend zone? You're going to? He's an MRA.

This is going to work great. I thought we were. Or mindless rage. I don't know anything. AllRA. This is going to work great. Oh, well, I thought we were... Or mindless rage. I don't know anything. All right, all right, all right. I'm looking up frenzy. That's my brutal critical. That's a Screamy J. Hawkins spell.

Make an inventory of what you're requesting, because I've got to look it up. Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, frenzy. Starting when you choose... I just want to fucking murder. For the duration of rage, you can make a single melee weapon attack as a bonus action.

Oh, okay, yeah, yeah, yeah. You will suffer a level of exhaustion after this, but you get a third attack, basically. Okay. Yes. But hard. Roll for damage. Another nine. Jesus. Another nine Jesus So he gurgles and spits blood up again

And you see his eyes widen a little bit That's because you came in the middle of your frenzy Do a This time a charisma saving throw He waves his unarmed hand again So what else do I need to What did you score i got 11 plus whatever my where would my charisma saving your charisma bonus is a no unfortunately it is a it is a zed oh no i got a one here zero throw i do oh? Yeah. That is still not enough, unfortunately. Okay.

You get really dizzy. All right. You're up. Hey, can I do something? Oh, that's right. Roll a 20. He just flew in the room last turn, so I'm going to let him. Two. All right, but I'll still put you in right now because we gotta get you in this combat

what you gonna do? my sword is out so I'm gonna hit him with my sword 18 short sword does d8 or d6 5 alright so your sword goes in,

and it comes out with a little piece of lung. Oh. Good. Lung. Can I twist it around a little bit while it's in there? Just for fun? Nah. Nah.

Well, the lung's already come out. I mean, you can try and put the lung back in using it kind of like a... Maybe I can put it back in through his nose. The light kind of goes out of his eyes and he crumples into a pile. Good. I'm going to go over to this guy

and see if he's got any magic items on him. Okay. Is there anything weird? Yeah, he's got a glass orb in his pocket. All right. Now I have a glass orb in my pocket. I was just happy to see you. Anything else in this room?

Yeah. You look around and this place is a mess. There's like little shreds of paper all over the ground. There's a makeshift bed in the corner.

And that's about all you notice right away. It's such a mess and all of a sudden you hear, doo-doo-doo-doo. Oh, it's a Roomba. Nothing on the shelves that looks valuable?

No, it looks like he's maybe been living in here like a homeless person for a while. All right, you got this orb. Do you have any idea what it is? We might want to check this out later. Might be some kind of crystal ball sort of thing. Bodie, do a constitution saving throw. Okay. Excuse me. Is that good? Yeah. Is that quiet bells? Did you make it?

Yeah, yeah. I got a 14. Cool. You managed to not throw up. Okay. But you feel like this guy just before he died, he did something to you. Okay. You don't know what's up. You're pregnant.

Esmeralda and Tom at the bottom of the stairs. How far do you want to run down the stairs? We want to run down outside into the square and say, Okay. You say, The witch mage is in danger. We need help. They're like, just sort of confused.

Again, they're like, where is the Archmage? In his room. Why should we believe? They're all just kind of shrugged and they point at Zerus and they're like, have him explain. Hey, Bodhi? Oh, that's what I meant. I meant Zerus is explaining that.

Zerus pipes up. Esmeralda as Zerus. And in Esmeralda's voice, Zerus says, yeah, listen to him. And everyone goes, whoa, what the fuck? Meanwhile, since we saw this movie called Die Hard, we tie this guy to a chair that corpse. Now I have a Vorpal Blade 2 ho-ho-ho. We tie this guy to a chair, the corpse of the moon elf. Now I have a Vorpal Blade 2 ho-ho-ho.

This is the scene where it lands on the cop car out front. Oh, okay. We push the corpse out of the window tied to a chair. And in the courtyard where Ken is and everybody. And about one foot off the ground. I yell, I yell, I yell, Tom, look up, heads up. You guys step to the side just in time as plummeting towards you, a lunar elf tied to a chair approaches the ground at high speed.

See what I mean? That's my next trick. And that'll be it. There you go for an episode. Good. Well, thanks for hanging in there That actually worked out for you You got a long regular Yeah sorry about last week

Only one short episode We appreciate it Our families do too Our families do too Because we get to do family stuff Yeah Thanks for listening Thanks for contributing to Patreon

And if you do, if you don't, boy, you should. Because the bonus episodes, I mean, these are always fun, but getting other friends in here has been a blast. And those last ones of having Jerry Duggan and Chris Martin

cracked up. It's been really... Jerry, every time, I miss him playing an asshole that I want to kill. It's been part of our relationship for a long time and keeps it fresh. Yeah, it's great. That was episode nine in Mad Magazine. Check out Analog.

Analog is Jerry Duggan's new book. On Image Comics, ask for it at your local Realtailer. And I'll be in Beverly Hills tomorrow talking to my accountant about my taxes. BrianPassane.com for tour dates. And Budge out somewhere. Yep. Thanks, Ken. Slurp, slurp, slurp.

Thanks, Blaine. Thanks, Sam. Thanks, Sam. Thanks for listening to another episode of Nerd Poker. You can follow us at patreon.com slash nerdpoker, and you get bonus episodes from there. And you can also send us anything at P.O. Box 16069, Encino, California, 91416.

Thanks for listening.