Nerd Poker - Forest Meat Up with Felicia Day

Episode Date: December 23, 2020

Hey listeners, we wanted to say thank you for a crazy year of support and offer you this two-part bonus adventure with Felicia Day as a special gift to you! Recorded in late 2019 around Christmas time at Brian's house with plenty of murder and mayhem, we hope it bring some cheer to you. It was originally recorded and released in 2 parts, but Engineer Sam fused them together with audio magic. Stay safe, and happy holidays!

hey everybody for christmas we thought the people here at nerd poker would get you a special gift for listening we wrapped it up all nice and put it under your tree we took our bonus episodes with the awesome felicia day she was fantastic it was a high moment of the year for all of us and we thought we would share something that normally only our Patreon listeners get to, Sam's going to edit it into one special episode for you so Merry Christmas and Happy New Year

from all of us here Merry Christmas Merry Christmas Hey everybody, I'm Brian Poussaint. Comedian, writer, actor, nerd. I've been playing D&D with my friends for a long time. I decided to do a new podcast where we play Dungeons & Dragons in my very own dining room. With my wife, kid, and my noisy dogs. So meet my friends...

Sarah Kev Dan Blaine Chris Now it's time for another episode of Brian Poussaint's Nerd Poker. Season 3. Hey, everybody.

I'm Brian Poussaint, and you're listening to Brian Poussaint's Nerd Poker. It's a December bonus episode. My friends are here. Hello, Ken. Hi. Sarah. Ken. Hi. Sarah. Hi. Dan.

Hi. Blaine. Hi. Chris. Hello, Brian. At the end of the table, as always. Sam. There he is.

And because it's a bonus episode, we have a special guest. Very happy we met at New York Comic Con. And Dan was with me. And Dan's better socially than me. You might not imagine that. I got one person. But it's true.

And he asked her to come on our podcast. And she said yes. And here she is, Felicia Day, everybody. Hi. Thanks for having me on. Our pleasure. We do the plugs at the end, but your current book is? Embrace Your Weird.

Embrace Your Weird. It's my new book, guys. Pick it up. It's a good Christmas gift. It is good. I have the audiobook. People love books for Christmas. Oh, you got it?

That's so sweet of you. Thank you, Dan. Yes. It's got writing exercises. It's great. It does exercise. Do you want to do sponsors I sure would like

to thank some of our Patreon supporters who make these things happen thank you Robo Hobo thank you The Fat Baker thanks Fat Baker thank you Kalon Rivers thank you

thank you Flock of Seagulls thank you Tortilla the Hun oh hi Tortilla the Hun Kelly Killall thank you Kaylee McPh, Kaylee McPhail. Kaylee McPhail. Thanks, Kaylee. Thanks, Yukon Corniglia.

Thanks, Alvin Tsao. Thanks, The Collective Farts Blamed on Brian. Fake name. Thanks, Jack Watkins. Thanks, Eric Gage. Thanks, Jason Sprouse. Thanks, Daniel Schlegel. Thanks, Hamlet423.

Thanks, Casey Baker. And thanks, Matt. Oh, Daniel Schlegel. Thanks, Hamlet423. Thanks, Casey Baker. And thanks, Matt Oh That Guy Miller. Thanks to all you guys. Thanks, you guys. Thanks, That Guy. So before we get into our adventure, because this is a bonus episode, we never know exactly who we're going to be playing with today. So can you, for the sake of both our guests

and our listeners, go around the table and tell us who you're playing today, Chris? Sure. I'm playing Verdun Fell, the grave priest. I walk the line between life and death. I'm a grave cleric. Glenn? Oh, I'm a Hal Felf. Am I pronouncing that right?

Hal Felf? Sounds right. To the ears. And my name is Blackie Green. Oh, I love that guy. Does he have a high charisma? I forget. I haven't looked in a while. I haven't looked at his charisma since I was

19. Brian did the elbow take again. I do a lot of physical comedy on our podcast. We're going to start putting in a sound effect when you do it so that the listeners at home go, oh, there was another one. I think Sarah got it on video once. Everybody calls me every time I do it. I will be playing Bodhi.

He's a guy who... He's a guy. He's a half-orc. He is a half-orc barbarian. Yeah. He's not related to Bodhi McBoatface. He likes to surf, and he enjoys things that are extreme.

He's a reference to, of course, Point Break. Yes. The Patrick Swayze character named Bodhi. Still never seen it. Sorry. I saw the sequel, Point Broke. Oh. Is that the one where he owns a bar?

No. I don't know that one. I'm thinking of Point Cocktail. That's Point House. No, Roadhouse? Oh, Roadhouse. Roadhouse. That's not even the plot of that, but sure.

You're thinking of Point Planet Hollywood. Yeah. And let's save our guest for last. Ken, who are you playing today? I am playing Chet the recalcitrant water genasi sorcerer. What does recalcitrant mean? I don't know.

Okay. Like hesitant. Sounds good, yeah. Last time I think you did say he was difficult or reluctant. I'm difficult and I'm super helpful at the same time, so go figure. Is the orange mic not working?

Is that what we're going through? Yeah. Okay, got it. Yes. The listeners can't see that. I'm slow on the update super helpful at the same time. Is the orange mic not working? Is that what we're going through? Okay, got it. The listeners can't see that. I'm slow on the uptake. Yeah, I don't need to point out. Ken and I are sharing a mic like a malt shop treat. We're going to bonk our heads like coconuts very soon. It's going to be bad at some point. I got my lime standing by.

Hey, Sarah. The live action lady and the tramp. Yes, mic is mine now. Yes, get the fuck away from it ken hey uh who are you playing today sarah um i'm playing small grima uh the stout halfling uh fighter yeah excellent yes and felicia who are you called small grima sorry that was more just a descriptor than it's not actually her name but you know for a few months she's been using it stony like small jay. Yeah, gotcha. Hey, Felicia.

Yeah. Who will you be playing today? I'm playing Slordina. She is a goblin. She's a ranger, urban bounty hunter, and she's got a pet monkey. Love it. Named Phoebe Van Grantham. What's the monkey's name?

Phoebe Van Grantham. Because I just saw the Downton Abbey movie and I was inspired. That is amazing. Van makes it fantastic. So how's it pronounced again? Slurinda? Slurdina. Slurdina.

So Slurdina, as a part of your personal MO, which you can feel free to explain to the other characters at your leisure, you have been told you could get in as a cook at a local inn

if you bring them some exotic meat oh great specifically you heard in the woods that there is a particular kind of meat that the inn has been wanting for a long time these monsters live in the mountains and one of them has wandered down into a nearby forest. It's called a Bulette. Okay. And it's your understanding that if you could take down a Bulette and bring its fresh meat, which goes bad real fast. Okay. Because they're weird. You could be a permanent on-staff chef at this inn.

Okay. And then, you know, if you want side gigs as an adventure, that's cool too. But they would also employ you and you could get away from your previous life. As a bounty hunter. Yes. Okay. But to do such a thing, to take down a Bulette, you will need assistance.

And so you have gathered these mercenaries, if you will, who have gone on other adventures together before to help. You take down this Bulette. Okay. Specifically, it's come down from the mountain as a personal protector. An old wizard who is now dead

set up some treasure in the middle of the forest to be guarded by this Bulette. There are traps around this treasure. Is a treasure a treasure? Yes, yes it is.

Okay, I just wanted to be clear. It's similar. It's real close. That's the old Latin pronunciation. You want to get treasure is it a T-R-A-E that kind of Latin yeah

yeah yeah yeah treasure it's like Paul Tompkins saying crèche so we're gonna go after this Bulette yes and there's a lot of traps there

but the wizard's dead the wizard's dead but his Bulette and his traps remain great so there might be you know a little bit of a tricky

path getting to the the treasure okay uh somebody said that like a year ago i forget which one he maybe was sarah said treasure and i just the only way i want to pronounce it now but uh yeah yeah yeah you all say gather outside the inn where you are hopefully to be employed one day and meet up with these folks so is she our employer now? In a sense, because there are supposedly gold and other gains that are going to be in addition to this Bulette, which is her primary objective. So yeah, you can say you're there. I just botched filling out my 1099. Yeah, independent contractors, if you want to call it that.

Okay, well, I'm not going to give anybody any kind of refunds or anything like that if this goes bad. Just FYI. Is there a waiver that we need to find? Absolutely not. If you die, you die. If you lose a limb, we'll try to bring it back with us. But you make no claim to the treasure.

I want to see what's in there. I'll be frank with you. I'm not just here just for the Bulette. I mean, I am here for the Bulette. That is mine. I claim all of the Bulette. I mean, I am here for the Bulette. That is mine. I claim all of the Bulette. All right. It's going to be great.

So you're taking all of that and some of ours. Well, no. I mean, listen, we open it up. Listen, a fool would say, hey, let's just give you all of it because we open it up. And what if it's just like full of like, I don't know, a special knife. Treasure. Treasure. You know, so I'm going gonna say that you guys could have it

unless it's in a reasonably overpriced treasure and then in which I'm gonna dip in because I have a dream. You can't just be a cook without pots. I want my own place one day, okay? But if we're gonna go here at the, you know, the Dirty Tortoise Inn, I'll work here for a while. And the monkey can live

under your hat and cook for you. Exactly. Well, I've trained her to do some light prep work. We've all seen Monkey Tooie, right? With her cleavers. Okay. Okay, everybody. We're heading into the woods. Could you please

do a perception check? Okay, can I just, I have favored terrain type. Uh-huh. That's all but forest. So are we going in the forest? We sure are. Great, this is wonderful.

Fuck this place. Roll those perceptions, please. Okay. I got an eight. That's terrible, Blacky Green. I am sorry. 25. Ooh.

I'm not gonna beat that. I got they Green. I am sorry. 25. Ooh. I'm not going to beat that. I got the number one. The number one. Oh. I actually rolled a two, and I have a negative one. Oh, my gosh. Well, at least it's not a botch. You didn't roll a botch. It's a dirty one.

I don't know if I've ever heard of that. 20 plus three. Oh, my goodness. Wow. I got a 12. That's all right. It's not as high as our friends Chet and Bodhi, however. So you're all heading down the forest path.

Chet, you notice. Hello. You notice that there is a strange, almost translucent spirit-like force kind of whirling around you guys every few minutes. Translucent kind of force. It looks like it might be spiritual in nature. Going around us. Yeah, like it looks like it's doing loops.

Like it's tracking us? Yeah, so why don't you guys go ahead and establish your marching order, so to speak. How are you guys with this knowledge that I would assume the reluctant Chet, that's his nickname, small green and reluctant Chet, I've decided. I'll probably be towards the rear.

Yeah, Bodhi's up front there. Phoebe Van Grantham is always on my shoulder unless she's being attacked, if she's attacking, okay? And your monkey has knives? She has two baby cleavers. So my dream is to open my own Shea Slordina in my homeland.

And so I came up here to be a bounty hunter and just to train and also to just learn how to carve up humanoids, kind of like all of you, most of you, some of you. Anyway, let's not talk about that anymore. I'm just trying to bring my wife back to life. No big deal deal oh you're doing that yeah working on it is that her because is she haunting us because this is that'd be great it'd be great you want your wife to haunt you no i mean

then i'd find her and i could you know join her in death no well if you ever want to die i'll cover you up really nice oh actually phoebe she dual wields her uh her cleavers really well she's a really good prep chef you You all heard that, right? I'm just offering. I just love how quickly you got out-morbid-ed and you're the grave priest. She's just like, well. Alright, so

you guys have seen this spirit. You've communicated this. Yes, Chet? Hey, there's a spirit. Yeah. But you also see it out of the corner of your eye too don't get quite as good a look at it but you've got you've got eyes on it it's kind of going counterclockwise how close are we to the supposed area uh less than a mile out you're starting to get pretty close grima doesn't like spirits we can see it from a mile out no you're less than a mile out from the from the tree. Are you sure?

All right. Perhaps we should deal with this now. Well, this was not part of the thing. I was supposed to get the Bulette. I'm supposed to just get the pieces, and this is just a nuisance. Who's being haunted here? It's probably related maybe to the magician

that you spoke of earlier, right? Listen, all I got was a small memo, okay? I got a small memo. Okay, I stabbed the spirit. What? Okay, so you don't currently see it, but you get the sense from talking to the guys. I swing wildly at the skies.

Okay. Do a, I'm gonna say in, you can pick. You can either do an investigation or a perception to try to just run out and swing wildly and nail it. Cool, so my plus zero and my negative one, I'm going to go with investigation. That's an eight. Okay, so you start swinging wildly.

Go ahead and roll to attack. I'm singing show yourself. You see nothing. Yeah. You try to time it based roll to attack. I'm singing show yourself. You see nothing. Yeah. You try to time it based on the attack. Can I sort of point it out for her? Yeah, I'll let her roll with advantage.

I'll let you roll one more time because yeah, Chet would be helping you out. That makes sense. Reluctantly. Yeah. So that didn't look much better. Okay.

23. To attack? Yeah. Okay. And that wasn't as good with the advantage roll on the investigation? Oh, I'm sorry. I thought the advantage was on my attack? Yeah. Okay. And that wasn't as good with the advantage roll on the investigation? Oh, I'm sorry. I thought the advantage was on my attack.

No, no. Advantage is on investigation. He's helping you spot it. No, I did not do well. Okay. So you don't see anything. You're swinging wildly. Hey!

Hey! There's a spirit here. Come on, man. What do you want? This is it. I'm not just taking random people who pull a piece of paper off my, you know, the scroll that I put up on the wall

in the bathroom. You guys are just scrubs. All right, Grima shoves her sword back. And like, fine. I guess I'll just watch this spirit surround and then kill us. You do hear, like, kind of in the distance, all of you, something go, oof.

Like, it's not near anyone you feel like maybe it got nicked and kept moving do we feel like it's some sort of like projection of something that maybe we hit it and something far off in the distance went ouch no it feels like Grima nicked a spirit

and it's moving around it's moving around yeah all right well it's coming our way now that she nicked it. Yeah, why don't you do another, everybody do another perception check based on the oomph. I'm going to use primavial awareness as an action. I'm going to expend a ranger slot to sense whether any aberrations,

celestials, dragons, elementals, faes, fiends, or undead are present within one mile of us. Whoa. Okay? Powerful. Okay. So I'm going to use my,

can I use my level one spell absolutely so okay you sort of focus on the undead presences around you and you sense there is definitely some kind of ghost or spirit just off to the left of the party about 30 feet away i mean that's definitely a better way to deal with the situation. So I'm going to put that here. I could solo this if I wasn't small and it wasn't just me and my monkey, but you guys seemed okay. Everybody got something to hide.

Blaine? Dead air. It's only dead air if you don't want to do anything about the ghost that is currently stalking you it's undead air let's let's spread out and and send it straight back to hell sure right it's up to you that's why we're here let's go i'll go right are you gonna try to attack this thing i'm gonna spread out first and then once i'm once we're a little spread out i'm gonna attack that fucking thing Okay. Why don't you guys spread out a little bit? You're not currently in combat,

but get in that position you want to be. Slurdina is able to pretty much pinpoint it's right there and it's not moving. It's right there, you guys. Okay? It's over there. Okay. You're all going the wrong way.

Why is everyone moving away from each other? Was this it? Yeah. You don't get to move the ghost. This is very helpful with a board with no... That was a monumental moment of completion. It's really squares. You'll have to imagine this way.

This is like everybody trying to meet in a lobby in Vegas to go to breakfast. Who cut in front of me? I'm sorry, Phoebe is really pissed now. I don't want to be behind you. I'm looking up your butt. And it says here your butt was in a bunch of movies in the 70s. All right, so you're going to attack it.

I'm going to use IMDbutt. Sure, I will. Yes, I will attack. Yeah, I want to cast, is it Sacred Flame? I'm going to cast Sacred Flame on that guy. Okay. It has to make a deck 17 check. Isn't that a bangle song?

Mm-hmm. Yeah. I rolled a six. Cool. It's going to take 2d8 plus five. I guess that's five. What is that, radiant damage? Uh-huh.

I wonder if Billie Eilish knows the bangle. Brian, Brian. Brian, you're driving. It's 15 points of radiant damage. All right. So you guys all see Verdenfell raise his staff and cast a spell where, you know, Sardina has pinpointed this spirit. And for a moment, you see this shape of what looks like a wizard sort of become, uh, more visible.

And you hear it cry out, beware them. And then it disappears. Beware the what? Did anybody get that? Was it a helpful spirit? It sounded like an M word. Beware the mall.

The mall. But it wasn't Bulette. Beware the maw. Beware the maw. The maw. But it wasn't Bulette. Beware the maw. The maw. Didn't sound like treasure. But it's for sure, it's for sure, you know,

like banished or destroyed or whatever you want to call it. Wait, we killed it and it was helpful? This is, this is not cool. Do an insight check. That's how we play.

We're going to do an insight check. Kill first, questions later. Anyone who wants to know if it was a helpful ghost game? That's a 20. Oh, well, that's not necessary what do you have a fun bonus to your insight bonus would be 20 i rolled a 16 and i have a plus four to insight excellent okay you yeah you seem like a helpful ghost great oh casper i always had the impulse to like talk

to something before i killed it and i just sat on it that one time. Stout Grima seemed scared. She was afraid of the ghost and wanted to kill it. You're the one who killed it. Yeah, no, but on her behalf. She nicked it. And I was like, oh, I'm. All right.

Nice try, Verdon. What do you take responsibility for once in your life? I pull my top hat down over my head. Oh, Verdon. All right, shall we make our way? This is how we do it. We fuck up repeatedly until it's over. That's Dungeons and Dragons, folks.

Would there be any stuff left behind by a ghost? Do we know, like, do we need to... Are you going to loot the friendly person? Sure, maybe it's got a friend. Do an investigation check, Verdon. Oh, well. Now I'm proficient in that. Do I get advantage?

I'm going to play the flute. Oh, cool. So you guys are the DNT Ghostbusters. I'm Spencer. He's Tracy. I'm Kong. Sponsored by Imperial Sierra Mist made by Storm Shoot Groups. Thanks, man.

That's a 15. Watch The Mandalorian chapter one through four. Thanks, dude. Hopefully I knew what streaming service to watch it on. Who was that guy? Hey, remember what?

Mandalorian shows up every Friday. Okay. Thanks, dude. Thank goodness we didn't attack that friendly person who just came through. I cast a spell on that boy. Yeah, with a 15 investigation, you kind of look around and you don't feel like

the ghost dropped anything. Sorry, guys. No ghost coins. I play a small dirge because I'm proficient in the flute and I get it out and I go, but I can't as a person whistle but I and Phoebe bends her head

and I'm quiet. For who the Jethro tolls. It tolls for thee. I'm not sure what that was. It's because you didn't get up on one foot. Hey I wonder if Beale the Irish never heard of Brian.

Brian wake up you're flying the plane. I've never cared less about Van Halen than watching that video. Watch your mouth. Huh? Oh, excuse me. Oh, you ate one too. So, you guys are going to head your way to the treasure.

How about... You all can make a choice. You can either roll, depending on how you want to be about this, survival or stealth. Just tell me whether or not you're trying to get to the treasure quicker or stealthy. You can decide as a group what you're going to do, or you can do it individually. It's up to you. I'm actually going to throw chaos in there like that. I would go with stealth at this point because we know that there's a ghost telling us

that we should be careful. Yeah. And we killed it. I'm going to agree with that. And I'm super stealthy. I'm really tight. Hey, we aren't going through any coastal or grasslands right now, are we?

Did we just change terrain somehow? No. No? Okay, great. Just wanted to know. Just so proficient in so many terrains, I just wanted to know if it was any of the ones that I was proficient in.

Brian just gave me back the ghost figurine, like, get that shit out of here. Now who's scared of the ghost? I know. The g-g-g-ghost. All right, everybody, roll your stealth and tell me what it is, please. Well, I rolled a one.

19. I also rolled a one. Oh. I also rolled a one. Oh my God. Yay! So I think I stumbled into some symbols. We crashed into each other. Yeah, and then I fell backwards into my glockenspiel. I rolled an eight.

I got a 15. That's kind of a boring one. You're just competent. You're just okay competent. I botched too. I'm acting out that scene from Everest on Mr. Show. Three people rolled a one? I was a 19, by the way. I fell over him and screamed.

And I screamed because I was falling over. 19 as well. A natural 19. That's pretty good. For a monkey. Why don't you reestablish your marching order I screamed because I was falling over. Phoebe rolled a 19 as well. A natural 19. That's pretty good. That's pretty good. For a monkey. Why don't you reestablish your marching order for me, please? This is the treasure. No one can get past the large tree.

All right, here I come sneaking up. Everybody be quiet. Is this a little grima? Small grima? Yeah. At this point, Slordina is just like, these scrubs. Hey, can I cast fly on myself?

After I tell you what happens as a result of your absolutely abysmal stealth roll. Well, you are a scrub. All right. I'm a scrub as a guy who thinks he can fly. So all three of you guys. Roll to braff. All three of you on this side of the table, roll to one. Am I remembering correctly? Or Ken? I got a 15. Is it Ken, Blaine, and Brian? Okay. a guy who thinks he can fly so all three of you guys all three of you on this side table rolled

one is am i remembering correctly or ken i got a 15 there's a ken blaine and brian okay so uh and you rolled an eight right sarah you guys are all trying to sneak um and sarah grima kind of like puts a foot on what feels like an ant mound and for a second she pulls back when she realizes there's soft sand and she realizes what the warning may have meant uh however as you pull away and you're about to say something you hear around you chet blackie green and bodie all go ah shit as you hear a weird kind of like flint and steel noise coming from the ground where each of them have stepped. Oh, man.

Would you like to cast fly now, Black and Green? Sure. Yeah. Okay. And make sure that I get my points. Your points? Yeah, my flying points. Oh, okay.

I have some vacation time coming up. So what do I think you were saying? Watch the mound? Yeah. Watch the mounds. And you all look down. Nothing else is happening yet, but there are clearly little mounds of dirt and sand

that everybody... Like little traps? Did we take any damage? No. But a weird flint and steel kind of thwipping sound happened. Like ant kills? Can I use perception to see what's going on? Yeah, is it... Everybody can roll a perception check. Okay. a weird flint and steel kind of thwipping sound happened. Like ant kills? Can I use perception

to see what's going on? Yeah, is it... Everybody can roll a perception check. Something's been set, maybe. I rolled a one. Thirteen.

Why do I have my sunglasses on every once? That's my question. Seven. I got 21. Twelve. Ooh.

Ooh. A 21 and a 12. What a rush. I'll take it. Brian, where's your elbow? Where are you going with that, Billy? So we have a 21. Anyone else get over an 18?

No. Okay. Whale. Verdon, sorry, I'm getting chilly again. You hear just like a weird noise, and you guys all kind of look up there are little creatures in the trees that

look like they're staring at you I point that out to everybody do they have weapons what do we see well as you start talking about it they all leap down into the snow and grass

snow here? Everybody, yeah. Oh, no. That's not my favorite terrain, y'all. I'm gonna roll to make angels. Oh, I botched. In addition to that, please everybody, roll your initiatives. Wait, are they monkeys? No. 20.

What? 17. Oh, no. Are they cleaver monkeys? You want to borrow one? This is much more fun. 17, awesome. I feel like I've been doing this for three years now, and I still don't say your initiative if I'm not ready to make a note of it.

I'm new here. I have to multitask. You're fine. These guys have no excuse. Bodhi, what'd you get? 17. Cool. And Grima, what'd you get? 17. Cool. And Grima, what'd you get?

Five. Chet, what'd you get? 13. What is that in English? 13. I don't like you. It's a 13, I think. Verdon, what'd you get?

Seven. Cool. Blackie, what'd you get? 17. Thank you. Slordina, what'd you get? 20. Awesome.

So you guys? 17. Thank you. Sardina, what'd you get? 20. Awesome. So you guys see this happening around you. Dan, looking for these figures is brought to you by Crest Wet Strips. Four out of five dentists recommend Crest Wet Strips for dry teeth. Crest Wet Strips. Snort. I don't always snort at Blaine's jokes,

but when it's a good one, I snort. Brought to you by Brian Snorting. There's lots of little purple dragons appearing. It's like Barney got real fucked up. Tall skinny guy and then a guy with wings. Like a gargoyle. What in the world?

And then you see near the treasure this figure hanging out. We're already at the treasure? Yeah. There's a treasure chest just sitting in the open with almost magically glittering gold coins. That seems crazy convenient. Like a trap. Yeah, a little bit.

Seems a whole lot like a trap, in fact. What are these animals? Can we roll to figure that out, or do we have to do it on our turn? Now it's gonna be on your turn, but guess who's first? You rolled the highest, even above all the baddies. Flordina!

Okay, can I use perception, but is that a free action? It would be an action or a free action. I like to just house rule, like people can roll perception on their turn. Just figure it out? If you want to do a perception on any turn. I got an 18 to see what these guys are. They feel like they're demons of some kind.

Demons? Okay. Do you know any demons? I don't. I know how to speak gnomish, goblin, and halfling because I like to carve those races up for meals. It's just cool. That just came up i guess i'm just gonna drop that casual it's more when i go back to my goblin homeland and open shay slordina okay that's the specialty of the world i'm giving you

a one-star yelp review because oh my god halflings it make halfling makes really good brisket. I'm just telling you right now. Okay, anyway. That is super cash. We should leave. We should leave this person. We should just go. Who's the halfling? Are you? Oh, I am.

Yes, that's me. It's just a gig, okay? You guys took a gig. Okay, I'm going to do- And hold the onions. I'm going to do a- Wait, which one looks the strongest? Is this one over here? I would say the big guy in the

distance there looks a little tougher than the scrawny guy by the tree. Okay, I'm going to do Hunter's Mark on that guy. Okay. Alright, and I'm going to cast a Hunter's Mark on that and that will give me an extra 1d6 damage to that target whenever I hit it for the rest of the

up to one hour, which is the rest of the fight, probably. Probably. Probably. And then I'm going to move forward. Move ahead. Move forward. Can I move toward him? Is that 30? Can I be within striking distance? Yes, yes.

You can get within striking distance of this guy. And can my dude come with me? Can Phoebe Van Grantham come with me? Uh-huh. Okay. And then I'm going to attack. I wish you would. Okay, I'm gonna attack

this person with my longsword, my plus two longsword. Oh, oh, wretched. I hit a 10. Yeah, that's a miss. That's a miss. Okay, and then I can attack. I already did two actions.

I'm going to, Phoebe Van Granththam get your blades out you're gonna shit in her hand and throw it no she has two small mini cleavers oh okay she just goes you know like with all the shit she goes under like underworld you know uh what's her face in underworld she goes and then, because she has a little monkey backpack. Oh, that's cute. If you didn't know that detail. Oh, and she tips a little hat. Yeah, so I need a roll for hitting.

Yeah, roll for hitting. Eight. Does she get a plus for me? Does she get my plus seven? No, she doesn't get your plus. What does she get? She has, I think, I'm going to look up. It's a spider monkey.

I'm pulling up the official spider monkey. Oh, it has eight legs eww monkey with eight eyes it'd freak me out does her title and land holdings give her extra power

Phoebe Gregson she married into a good family okay she got widowed he just wanted for her money is she part of the spider monkey verse

Brian elbow I'm sure I rolled an eight I can't imagine Yeah I know There's no It's a plus zero to hit

So we're just really We moved forward We look badass And we're ready to be hit We're within hitting zone Alright well You definitely distracted this thing Hey Bodhi you are up

Alright Oh a question It was a bonus action To do Hunter's Mark. Does that mean it took one of my actions? No. Okay, so I have another action. Oh, you do?

You can hit one more time? Well, because I have the ranger ability to do two attacks, extra attack. Okay, great. Do you attack twice whenever you take the attack action on your turn? Oh, you can attack twice, but I didn't make it. Okay. Okay. Never mind, Brian.

Never mind. Bodhi's going to frenzy at this guy. Cool. Can I... Am I 30 away? Yeah, you can get in there. Get up in that business. All right.

Roll to attack, boss. What is that tall, skinny thing? That's Brian. On your turn, I'll let you roll to find out if you want. 22 on the first one. That's a hit alright I didn't say what I was using I'm gonna use

which weapon you get to pick Halbert of the Dwarven Prince alright that's more damage snow falls slightly as Brian swings his sword in this silent forest.

15 feet to the hole. What's the damage? 12. Which hole? Oh, okay. Oh, wait. No, that's not right. I think it's 17. You rolled the wrong dice?

No, I didn't roll it twice, so it's 20. All right. Nice. You hacking in this thing? Go ahead and roll your next two attacks. You can always roll two 20s at a time. The first one's probably not a hit. 16?

Or is it a hit? It is a hit. Oh, wow. Nice. Are we going to find out this is another friendly wizard? 15 plus four, 19. They all cry out, no! We just wanted to give you the welcoming packet to the forest. 19 on that.

We're bird watching. Okay. 19 damage? Yeah. Or 19 is also a hit, yeah. Nice! 19 damage. And then one more. You are carving this guy up, Brian. Wow. That's probably not a hit. 11. No, that is not a hit. That one you

whiff. Alright. Up next we have Black and Green. I'm flying home. So I'm flying who looks like they're the

biggest amount of trouble at this point? Probably either that guy over there or maybe the guy by the treasure. The guy in the distance is just from basic passive perception insight. You're like, I don't know what's wrong. Let's see if we deal with him last,

I would think. Okay, I'm gonna go over to this, this fly over to the dragon over here. Sure, move your feller. Welcome. Hey, hi. Hey, it's me up here. Please don't look up my robe.

And I'm going to attack this guy. How so? I'm gonna hit attack this guy. How so? I'm going to hit him with a lightning bolt. Badass. Remind us how that goes. Well, the ground and the clouds build up. They ionize and they build up a charge. The lightning actually travels from the

ground to the cloud. A stroke of lightning forming 100 feet long and 5 feet wide blasts out from you in the direction of your choose. Each creature in the line must make a dex saving throw. Here that comes. That's a 4. That's a miss. So he is now going to take 8d6

lightning damage. Is that true? The lightning goes up? 7. I didn't know that. It comes from the ground? 7, 16. Wow. 16, 16. God. Wow. 16, 25.

I remember hearing that and having my mind blown at one point. Wow. 25 and nine is 34. 34 points. All right. You're going to just lay into that fucker. And then I'm going to fly home. Yeah.

motherfucker. And then I'm going to fly home. Yeah. So you kind of just slapped him with a bunch of lightning. Is there a specific way you would maybe want to see a demon go down? Oh no, already? Wow. Yeah, I would just kind of

like to see him turn around and go, huh? And then he gets so hot that his contacts burn onto his eyes. Oh, wow. Okay. Very specific. Yeah, weird eyeball body horror for everybody who's afraid of getting LASIK.

But yeah, this guy is... I wish I had a LASIK spell. This guy's toast. Slurdina, so... But he has 20-20 vision for like one second. You redeemed yourself. Oh, yeah, yeah. And see how he tastes.

Carve him up. Listen, I leave no corpse uncarved, all right? We're going to eat like kings when this is over. Hope none of us die. It's by waste not what not. I know. Okay, so up next we have the weird guy in the distance. He has a name, Dan.

Really? He's weird in the distance. Was that Fastball? That was Fastball, right? No. Or Space Hog? Cake from Sacramento, California. All right. Sorry, I'm confused with Space Hog.

Looks over at Blackie Green, having just destroyed one of the demons, and raises a bony finger from his hand. Hey, Blackie, do a dexterity saving throw, please. A bony finger. 17 plus 2 is 19. Ooh, okay. You see this black bolt of energy just whiff past you as you kind of

fly around. Guy throwing a white claw at me. Do another one, please. Oh, God. Oh, that's not a good one. That's a seven. Okay. Ooh. So... Am I going to do the thing where I

just start smoking and spiraling into a farmhouse? You So am I going to do the thing where I just start smoking and spiraling into a farmhouse? You get hit with another bolt of energy. Oh, is it black? That flies. Yeah, it's smoky and kind of looks like, you know, like a black spider web shooting. Like it's like, you know, like negative Spider-Man or whatever. like it's like you know like negative spider-man or whatever you're going to take 56 points of necrotic damage how many hit points you got I have 56 hit

points do you really this Wizards but you drop out of the sky for sure, and you just land. He's unconscious. Poof. Yeah. Wow. Can somebody bind him, or do we need to? It's not second edition. We don't need to do that anymore, do we?

What do you do now when somebody... Yes, you can stabilize. You gotta stabilize him, right? Yeah, yeah. It's okay. I have a healing... Is there a healer? Who's a healer?

I am. You are, okay. I walk the line between life and death. Oh, boy. I can help him I have a healing Is there a healer? Who's a healer? I am I walk the line between life and death Oh boy I hope you're in my network Cool Chet you're up Oh hi I'm going to focus on this guy

And I'm going to cast Agonizer Scorcher on him. Oh, okay. Remind me how that goes. I don't think you've ever cast it on the show before. A line of roaring flame 30 feet long and 5 feet wide emanates from you in a direction you choose. Each creature in the line must make a dexterity saving throw.

A creature takes 5d8. Roll your 5d8. Wow. Oh, great. 5d8 what kind of damaged8. Wow. Oh, great. 5d8 what kind of damage? A fire, I assume? Yeah. All right.

All right. 20. All right. How would you like to see that guy die? Quickly. Okay. He's gone. He's dead. everybody just kind of forgets he was there just turn back as if nothing ever happened okay cool yeah well we'll say he gets bisected in half and demon guts splatter everywhere just because that was the weirdest short thing ever uh up next we've got this guy over here

over here. It's going to come in hot at Verdunfell. At me? Yeah. You're conveniently placed. It's true. I'm going to have you do... He probably smells your demon.

That's what I'm going to say. Do you have a demon inside you? Debatable. 16 to hit. 16 hits me. Okay. Is it my exact number of hit points, Dan? No, that was the first time

that's ever happened to me. Pretty extraordinary. Cool. He does 11 points of psychic damage as he slashes at you with his claws and you just feel pain go through your body. It's almost like his claws are made of shadow. I hold my temples and say, I like it. And then we've got the guy who is in front of Bodhi.

He's going to go after him. First he tries to bite you. What the fuck? 21 to hit. Jeez. Wow. Nobody bites Bodhi. You're going to get an infection.

Yeah, more like bitey. You're going to get an infection. Yeah, more like bitey. I've never gotten more side eye in such a short amount of time. I actually turned my head to give you some. Yeah, you gave me full on face. Very disappointing. All right, you take 22 points of piercing damage. I'm going to need you to now do a constitution saving throw.

Ow. Now your nipples have these little studs in them. Oh, wow. I don't like that at all. You got mono right now for sure. Mononucleosis is a disease of teenagers that I once caught when I worked in the produce What did you say I was doing? Constitution saving throw.

What were you doing in the produce? I worked in produce. Okay. You confided those two facts. What fruit do you get mono from? I don't know. It's handling a lot of stuff. I don in produce. Okay. You confided those two facts. What fruit do you get mono from? I don't know. It's handling a lot of stuff. I don't know.

Eggplant. Where I'm from. Hello? Come on. 21 is my constitution. Great. Okay. So while you're able to not get poisoned as this thing latches onto you, it is latched

onto you. Oh, boy. So you now have. He's got a good latch. See if you can drape that mini dramatically. Ew. Oh, gross. No, sir. I don't like that one bit.

Excellent miniature draping skills from Blank Apache. NSFW. And now he is going to try to rake it with his claws. Let's all get a picture of this. Yeah, it's uncomfortable. 20 to hit? Yeah, it's uncomfortable. 20 to hit? Yeah, it's a hit.

Okay. Fucking asshole. Is he still biting? What is it? What is it? Is it claws? What's going on? You take an additional 18 points of piercing damage

as it sinks a claw into you. Jeez. It has claws in its butt. And then... Those aren't claws. That's going to be a miss. It's a nine to hit so he tries to get you with his other hand but but yeah you just see this thing is now on

top of Bodhi and just clock clock clock clock clock clock clock he's gonna die super hard you're gonna die super hard then you guys see erupt from the ground this guy. Oh, shit. Oh, Bulette. There's the Bulette. We're already here? Look at that flocking. It's really beautiful.

That is from listener Preston Snow. He's the guy when I did that show out in Santa Barbara who gave me the thing of... Looks like an orca penis. I mean, we all know what an orca penis looks like, right? We all... Two in the morning Discovery Channel. I've freed a few willies in my day.

Yeah, he actually... The free willy in the special section of the video store. Yeah, okay. So he comes out of the ground, but then he is going to dive back in? Oh, it's like Dune, ride the worm. Yeah, dive back out. Fuck, fuckity, fuck.

I think he might be the... On small grima? Oh, no, hi the worm. Dive back out. Fuck, fuckity, fuck. I think he might be the best. On small grima. Oh, no, hi. Hi. And so, look at that guy. God, we really got to this treasure fast. Remind me not to get hired by you next time. Listen, I'm admiring, I admired what you did,

and then I saw you drop prone to the ground. I was like, oof, he's going to make a good cutlet. All right, you get to choose whether you do... I'm only half elf. I'm half elf, half pepperoni and sausage. I just want to see. I don't know if this is real or not, but... Oh, that's a toy.

Ooh. We're looking at a picture of Baby Yoda. It's a Baby Yoda toy. It looks all stop motion-y. That looks like somebody made that in their garage in Georgia. It's kind of Etsy dealer. Oh, yeah.

Look, there's something on Etsy. Oh, yeah. They're jumping on it. I know about Etsy. I got a lot of handicrafts from Etsy. I had a moment once. Anything with a mushroom. Some sketchy Etsy thing.

He knows what's up. You guys have fought stuff I've bought off Etsy. It's a good place to get little mini intermonsters. I get all my dream catchers there. Greenlight, you get to choose. I haven't caught any yet. Would you like to make a strength or a dexterity saving throw? I'm just going to get my medicine.

Strength. Awesome. Please roll. Ken, that's not good. What happened? Yeah, Etsy Benadryl is not really the, you don't want to chug it. What?

She's waiting to announce her number, but the bits keep playing. Well, no, Ken and I just had a moment over the night. 23. Oh, excellent. All right. Sarah, you never roll high.

I know. You are not going to get knocked prone as you take damage from this thing coming at you. So this is going to be... Okay, here's some news. I researched it and it showed another picture of the same thing.

It said some artist made it and sold it on Etsy. Okay. It's fake. It's fake. You're doing good R&D for Christmas. First, you take 14 points of bludgeoning damage. Okay. Whoa.

As it just thuds into you, and you dodge to the side, but its claws are also coming at you. Oh, damn. And you take another point, or not another point, another 11 points of piercing damage. Wow.

And it now kind of buries itself back in the ground. Oh, boy. What a dick. Well, I'm glad it's gone. I'm sure we won't see its kind again. Bulette! Do it.

Wait, I don't get a chance to. You get nothing. If you have a... It's like a drive-by. Actually, yeah, you know what? I'll allow it. You made the saving throw, so if you want to make an attack of opportunity as it wiggles its way back in the ground,

I will totally allow it. Ooh. Bulett. 25. That's a hit. I met Bulett, substitute Ronette. She said, will you remember? I said, I could never forget you. Oh, naturalette, her mom's millionette. So we shared one last cigarette and swapped false addresses.

Bulett. We're not going to get a chance for everybody to attack this episode. I did 14 points of damage on that asshole. Yay. What about the rest of them? Verdon, you're up. Well, Verdon looks at the thing on top of him, but he looks at the Bodhi and he makes a decision. He's like, fine.

So as a grave priest, I have a thing called circle mortality. Am I within 30 feet of fallen black and green? Yes, you're like exactly 30 feet. So I'm going to cast a third level healing word. But because of this circle mortality, I'm able to sort of summon him back from death. So he gets the maximum number of hit points for that. So it's 3d4 plus five.

So it's a total of, so you automatically boom, you're at 17. Oh, wow. Thank you very much. Nice. And then I turn and hold my staff and I know I can't attack him

because that's all I got, but I hold it in between me and the thing like fright night. I'm trying to not let it bite me. All right. Grima, you're up. All right. Cool, green, you're up. Right. Cool.

Um, yeah. Okay. So can I attack this thing that's on Brian? Uh, yeah, it's, it's just far enough away that you could get up there and try to,

okay. Cause they're like locked in a very intimate embrace. It's true. Here's the thing. You are going to roll with disadvantage. I'm not into it at all. Um, okay.

I, so I'm going to, I guess I'm going to, gonna i mean he's in the most danger right so you can yeah i mean you kind of have two choices you can either do a strength check to try to rip it off of him or you can roll a disadvantage to just stab at the thing and if you miss you'll hit bodhi as opposed to whiff i'll take that chance um if i can i can i try to pry it off of him and then attack if i miss the get it off? Yeah, because you have multiple attacks, right? Yes.

Yeah, or action attack. Yeah, absolutely. Okay, so first I'm going to try to just... Please excuse me. Was that your flask? What was that? Yeah, yeah, yeah. She knocked Ken the fuck out.

She's got a little bottle of bitters. One punch! Good. Yeah, do a strength check for me, please. She cannot share a mic any longer. Well. yeah do a strength check for me please you cannot share a mic any longer well no i mean maybe 13 we'll see no you're you're like you paw at the thing and it's it's just wriggling around it's got a tight grip with its teeth it's a weird thing for a halfling not be able to knock a demon off at large barbarian that's weird but move your little your grima figurine up there so we're keeping track of that and then go ahead and if you want to roll to attack please roll to attack or you can you know try to pry it off

him again since it didn't go well i was gonna attack okay uh that's a a fuss 16 that's a hit oh cool uh that is 11 points of damage ooh how do you want that guy to die oh nice what

yeah um I want him to sort of like deflate so that uh he basically like all the life drains out

of his body and he just becomes like a fashionable scarf wrapped around Bodhi it's very fashionable as he sort of loses all of the form

and joint strength that he has and just sort of, you know, like his torso is just kind of like limp, like right around the left shoulder. It is chic. You're like Tom Baker. It's like New York in Christmas time. So, Bodhi, you look great, and we're going to go ahead and save the rest of this combat

for our next bonus episode chris would you be so kind as to loan your microphone to sam and uh felicia what we do now is we have sam our engineer tell us what he thinks happened this episode because even though he's been our engineer for seven years seven years uh pretty sure i have the

game down but you tell us what you think happened today well on this episode, I purchased all my all new microphone accessories and then two of the channels of the board went down. If the game allows you to have a pet monkey, why don't you all have pet monkeys? Sarah stabbed a spirit. Is there nothing

this group won't stab? The monkey has knives. Why don't you guys do stuff like this why does everyone die before they tell us what to be aware of i like when we have new travelers join us that don't really care for us we keep ignoring this lady saying she chops up people like us and choosing to stay with her this is every relationship i've ever been in brian leaned into his microphone to drink his soda a couple times, which

really appreciate all right. We're out in the snow having a proper Donnie book. Now the answer is both cloud to ground lightning comes from the sky down, but the part you see comes from the ground up and they meet in the middle. Blaine's really hurt. Normally I'd kill myself, but

that's codependent behavior, so if Blaine dies, I'm good. Oh, and then my last note, we all get really excited to start fights, but every time we start fights, we're really easily hurt. Maybe we shouldn't do that. Yay, thank you, Sam.

Hey, everybody. I'm Brian Pessin, and you're listening to Brian Pessine's Nerd Poker. It's our second bonus episode for December. My friends are here. Ken. Oh, hi. Sarah.

Oh, hi. Don't do that. Dan. Oh, hi. Blaine. My favorite city to the north. Oh, hi. Blaine. My favorite city to the north. Oh, hi. Nice.

Great wine and cheese. Chris. Oh, hi. Hi, buddy. At the end of the table, as always, Sam. Hi, everybody. Hi, Sam. And she was here for the first episode,

and she still likes us enough to stick around. She didn't jump in her car and run away like, well, no one's ever done that. I'm amazed no one has. Felicia Day, everybody. Yay! Valley High!

Well. I transferred out of Valley High. I'd like to also thank the Patreon supporters who make these bonus episodes possible with names like Flirts With Death. Thank names like FlirtsWithDeath Thank you, FlirtsWithDeath

Related to Molly Hatchet Thanks Sark's Crippling Arachnophobia Thanks Sark's Crippling Arachnophobia Thanks Devona Upurok Thanks Elzid Falconrose Gnarled Toe Thanks Queeps Quixotic Queefquest Thanks JR Sharer

Thanks Eric Farmer. Thanks, Palom. Thanks, Dice Goblin. Thanks, all things... Thanks, all things that make Bodhi go ew. Thanks, Broken Pine Glass. Thank you, Joshua Stone. Thanks, Remy Thatcher.

Thanks, Trash Ghost with a zero for an O. Thanks, Matthew Spears. Thanks, Beth Hunter. Thanks, Joe Chip. Thanks, Primrose fantasia thanks jack griffin thanks dr ewits forest grown og kush oh thank you waka willis and thank you bull stallion thanks all you guys thank you yeah so where we last left our heroes they were engaging demons in a snowy wood the unpreferred terrain of slurdina trying to get some bulette

meat and some tray area roger guarded by what seems to be some sort of that's not how you say that word huh oh i'm sorry the the little magnetic tape got caught up in the reader for a second there um but you're uh trying to get the... And yeah, you're mid-combat. Slurdina, you're up. Okay, so... And we had a discussion off the air. So I'm gonna give you, if you would like,

some additional actions because it's crazy when you do a ranger, you guys. Yeah, there's a lot of... I've never played a ranger before. I'm always usually a spellcaster. And Grima pointed out that the additional attack,

the extra attack feat that I have, allowed me to actually roll to hit again. I thought that you do an attack roll, and were you to successfully do that, you could do hit twice. And so that was my misperception of this ability. Yeah, and I'll admit, off here, I had no idea what the answer to this was.

I had to talk about it for a minute. So, Dumb Dumb Dungeon Master says, if you'd like, you can select an extra attack action on your next turn because you did not get one

on the demon that you came right at. Who would you like to come at, as it were? Well, here's... Right now, there's somewhere a Bulette. Well, okay,

so we have this guy who's a scarf now, right? And then there's this guy back here. I don't want to go. I don't care about that guy. So I'm... He's just attacking me. No big whoop.

He's just attacking you. You're fine. I really, I feel like, I know the Bulette is like orca-ing through the terrain here, but I can't, I don't know where that thing is. Is there a possibility

if I could use my nature ability to see if I could stab the ground and hit the Bulette? Would that be crazy? Would I know? Yeah, can't she wait like at Epcot when you're trying to see

where the water comes out and that like dancing water feature and she can just... If that's not feasible, then I'll go after the mage, okay? How about this? I'll let you roll a nature check

with advantage. Okay. And then you can hold your action until you you feel like you know where it is in your immediate area oh i like that idea okay let's see 17 plus 5 oh no uh nature is 5 yeah so that's 20 22 and you can roll again if you want to try and get even higher i don't think i'll get higher than that the higher you get the more i'll let you 13 so that would be 18 so okay so 22 so right now you don't feel like the bulette is in your exact we'll call it with that with that 22 you get a 20 foot radius gotcha so it's not within 20 feet of you now but i'll let you hold your actions and see if it crosses through the path. I'll tell you during

someone else's turn if it is moving. Because this guy is over 60 feet. He's pretty far away. So I can't get to that. The Bulette originally came up kind of behind you about 15 feet in that direction. Yeah, it came out here and then here. So it might be around here. So I'm going to hold.

But I won't give up my turn, right? What I'll do is now I will let, because you rolled that, if the Bulette will get his turn before your next turn. Okay. So Phoebe Van Grantham is on my monkey, who's dual wielding small baby cleavers. Yes. So Phoebe is on my shoulder, and we're both hunched over.

Our nostrils are as wide as you possibly could see a nostril be i mean you could stick like a small you know apricot up my right one um and i'm waiting i'm waiting so is the left one like the left one is a little gimpy okay i had a little facial paralysis uh i got into a fight with my brother i murdered him. How did he taste? Salty. If Bell's palsy is the worst thing you can get for murder, then Bodhi, you're up. All right. Yay, our guest is freaking everybody out.

I love it. I'm going to try to close some distance between me and this gentleman. Awesome. Go for it. Do you have fast movement? I know you've got some stuff. I mean, that dead scarf is still draped on you. Yeah, I'm going to leave it. But it's got all the bones gone.

It doesn't drag him. That probably might absorb a few attacks. Yeah. Maybe. How far do I get? You can get up to it with fast movement. You know, that probably might absorb a few attacks. Yeah. Maybe. And add the pop of color. How far do I get? You can get up to it with fast movement. Right up to your face. Uh-huh.

And diss you. So you're not going to attack, you're going to diss? No, do I? Okay, roll to roast. This is the guy who did 86 points of damage, right? Mm-hmm. Oh, 56. Mm-hmm.

Oh, are you seeing him? Oh, 56. Are you saying I'm... No, I look forward to seeing what happens next. Fuck. Get him. But Bodhi's not good with ranged weapons, so this is... He's a wizard. Get him.

Yep. I'm going to swing on him. Okay. Frenzy, even. Okay. That did not stop rolling. First one's an 18. That's a hit.

That was a journey. Squish. I will continue to use Halbert of the Dwarven Prince. 17 on that first one. All right. Roll your next attack. Jesus. Oh, crit.

Oh, baby! So, you get to double your dice damage on this one. Oh, shit. First one's a 12. Wow. Second one's a 7. Yeah, right? Just 2. 38? Yep. Wow. Plus 4 necrotic damage.

Okay, so as you lift the halberd back up through this guy, you just... It's not necrotic, it's just... Yeah, yeah, but you do take a huge chunk of his cloak away, and he just is glaring at you at this point. No sound comes from him. I get a third attack. Yep, because you're frenzying.

That's a rule I do know. It's probably not going to hit a 13. No, that is a miss. God, I keep whiffing on the third shot. You had a crit. Yeah, yeah. I'll take it. You had a crit.

That was pretty impressive. You almost cracked a small smile there. Bodhi's going to do something that he doesn't normally do, because I know this dude's a badass. I'm going to drop back a little bit out of range. Now, you could take an attack of opportunity from him. As you remember, last bonus episode, Sarah pointed out that as the Bulette was digging away,

she could take a swing at him because he was retreating. If you retreat, he gets to take a swing at you. Okay. It is a melee attack, though. He does seem like a caster, so it's like, you know. Nah, I'll stay in his face. Okay. Fun.

He's going to touch you with something stinky. Well, he might have if, yeah, if you had run. You don't know. Yeah, I'm going to see what happens. If you back away? No, I'm going to stay in his face. Yeah, yeah. Cool.

All right, so it's Blackie Green's turn, and a couple of narrative things to clear up so last episode you were flying you got hit with this this bolt of black energy you dropped out of the sky and you were brought back to life by verdant fell i was and when i was dead i went to heaven oh and i found christ oh wait well let's not talk about that anymore so blacky green you you you get you you kind of climb up to your feet right um you could fly again now if you want but i will say one thing you notice as you get to your feet is uh slordina kind of like turn towards you nostril first because you feel something you feel feel some vibrations in the ground rushing towards Blackie Green as he picks himself up. Oh. Oh, Jesus Christ.

So I'm going to put my. So he's coming. Oh, here it comes. And I'm just. Right about where that bottle cap is. Now can I. So it's under the. So I.

And you're going to fly? I'm going to fly. OK. So you see Blackie Green lift up. But you do feel like he's left down there to be lit. Okay, so I'm close. But I can't stab him through. I don't know how deep he is.

I can't just be stabbing through the... What did you roll in the nature check? It was like a 20-something, right? 23, 22. You feel like he is just like three feet underground. I have a long sword, so I can't stab at this point. Oh, God. Now I want to look up how long a Dungeons & Dragons long sword is.

I mean, I am a goblin. I can't imagine. I'm three feet tall, so I can't have a long sword. I'm going to have to wait. I'm going to wait until it's just about to crest. Okay. Just like turtle heading its way up into out of the ground. All right.

Gross. Touching cloth. But that brings us back to Black to Green then. Well, I'm up in the air and I can look down. You can see where her eyes are going, sure. Okay, and can I see movement in the ground? Do a perception check. Help me, Jesus.

Oh, God. 14. My new friend. 14. 16. Yeah. You think you see just like a couple of pebbles kind of overturn right about where she's looking. And is it going towards her? Is she

in danger? You don't need to offend me, okay, dude? No, I'm just... She literally eats guys like you for breakfast. Like, literally. You don't feel like... You feel like it may have been headed towards where you were going. I mean, the way the movement is

is pretty subtle, but it's much closer to jet than you or her and it and it looks like it's moving it's not moving in any direction i mean you flew up and you just see a couple of pebbles overturn so okay it's hard to say what it's going to do next you can't really anticipate that all right and what can i see over here um it's pretty far away, but it looks like Bodhi is wearing a very fashionable demon scarf and hacking at some sort of lich-like undead creature. He's a lich. And what about what's going on over here?

There's a little demon going to try and bite Verdon's face off. How you doing, Verdon? Great. I've been left to my own devices. I'm not a melee combat master. You know what? You brought me back to life. I'm going to fly down there and attack this thing.

Go for it. I'm going to hit it with a couple of... I'm just going to hit it with a couple of... What do I have? The things in my hand. The hand thing. I'm going to hit him with the hand things. Murder gloves. Burning hands? Not the magic. Fingers? Shock and grasp.

Not the magic missiles. Shock and grasp? No. What are the... I've never... Oh, wait. No, that's another character. Is it Eldritch Blast or is it magic? Eldritch Blast is like a smoky green force blast. Oh, yeah. Eldritch Blast. Okay.

It's a spell attack, I believe. And I think you get more than one perast okay it's a spell attack I believe and I think you get more than one per turn that's a 20 ooh and that's another 20 oh my god wow

natural 20s wow oh my god okay and what do they do I'm sorry dude roll your damage

are they tense hey Blaine word of advice ask Dan how many hit points that thing has first. Yeah, you wasted that fucking dragon. No, I will tell you exactly how many hit points it has after you roll your dice.

Just hurry up before I lose my narrative patience. Is it tens sides? Huh? Is it tens or eights? Eldritch Blast, you want me to do a beam of crackling energy streaks towards a range attack, spell attack. On a hit. 1d10. Horse damage.

Seven. That's 14. And eight. Another eight. Okay. Another four. 18. 18 damage total? Yes. He has 22 points of damage. So he's not going to die, but you can knock him away

from Verdant Fel 20 feet if you want to. Yeah, so bam, bam. Each one goes 10 feet, and he gets pushed back this way if you can scoot his miniature. Chris, thank you. Like that? Is that right? You can push him at least half that distance more. Yeah, right there.

Copy. Cool. So he's not looking good up next we have the guy in bode's face the weird witch-like fella is going to turn to bode uh 24 to hit that's a hit okay uh-oh shrug it off if he wants to hit you with some advice. Yeah. Or some knowledge. Okay, so you take 13 points of cold damage,

and now I'm going to need you to do a constitution saving throw as he reaches his hand out and places it on your neck. Oh. Truth bomb. He's got Reynolds disease. He's got real, real cold hands. 18. Ooh, you needed to make it 18.

Oh, sweet. So you just kind of shake them off, but for a second you just feel this icy fucking cat's cradle Kurt Vonnegut ice go into your skin and your bones for a second. Did you take 13 damage, though? Yep. Okay, cool. I'm still plenty fine.

Yep. But you're real glad you shook that off I'm glad I did yes he is now going to like throw back his hood and you just see this weird blackness in his eyes staring at you please do a wisdom saving throw

Bodhi do you have anything that helps me with that let's see um great question you're a barbarian so probably not wisdom's not your forte unless you got like a magic cap of the lich resistance what's your wisdom saving throw uh nine oh boy all right so you are now frightened the frightened target you can repeat the saving throw at the end

of your turn but for now you are you have disadvantage on ability checks and attack rolls even while he's frenzying? you stare into the void well you get mindless rage any of these other things would help him Wow. Even while he's frenzying? You stare into the void.

Mindless rage, any of these other things would help him? No, that gives you extra attacks, but it doesn't help you be scared of the infinite expanse in these eye sockets. I just can't picture this dude getting scared of anything. Well, magic horror before him. I know it's really hard because you love yourself so much that you can't possibly imagine a weakness. I love this character a lot.

If he gets eviscerated, it'll be fun for me for two seconds and then you kick me out of your house. Chet, you're up. I'm going to grab Verdon. Walk over to Verdon miniature-wise, please. Hello, friend.

And cast Dimension Door. Okay. Aiming behind the wizard. How far can you go, Dimension Door? It's like 100-some feet. 500 feet. Oh, yeah, absolutely. So give me those minis and I'll put them behind. And then you can go 500 more. This is fun. Wow. That was badass.

It was. Badass. Does that look good to you? Do you have her at all? Yeah. You want to write behind him? Yeah. Or do you want some distance? A little distance, yeah.

Sure. Right? That's one of the lyrics to that song. It is. From a distance. You're quite a proclaimer. We don't have to write Haver. Whatever the fuck that is.

Is that your turn? Do I have another attack? We don't have the right saber. Whatever the fuck that is. Do I have another attack? I don't think so. I think because you're a wizard, right? I'm a sorcerer. Alright. Sorcerer. I don't necessarily think that's your action. Cool. This demon's gonna be like, what the shit?

It is going to fly Blacky Green. If you want to put it in Blacky's face, he's going to try and have its revenge on Blacky. It takes its little spined fork and tries to stab you. Rolls a 19 hit.

And does 56 points of damage. Does 56? No, it does 7 points of damage. Does 56? No, it does seven points of piercing damage. And then it's going to bite you. Oh, you might be unconscious again. You actually might be conscious. You only had seven points.

Four to hit. All right. And that's a miss. But it's up in your face. If you can please scoot him in Blackie's face. Gracias. Up next, we've got... any movement on the bulette funny you should ask that uh the bulette is steering right at you um so you just you feel it coming it's definitely going for you i mean there's no other targets and it starts to burst

up out of the ground and i'm ready because yes you are so this thing comes up and unlike uh before okay you are uh where did i put the bullet maze down here yeah so you see it just before it bursts out of the ground its face appears and you're ready for it so you get your turn now as opposed to after it hits you. Okay, so I'm doing it. Go for it. Okay, first of all, I can do, can I do, how many bonus actions can I do? I'm gonna give you one extra bonus action

because of what happened last episode. Oh, that's so sweet. So I can do two bonus actions? Yes, you may. Okay, so I'm gonna do Hunter's Mark. Okay. And I'm gonna do that on the Bulette. Great.

And then I'm also going to Zephyr Strike which is a bonus action. You move like the wind so I can move real fast and I do an extra 1d8 force damage on a hit. So that's going to be an extra 1d8 and we also have a shot. Do you ride like the wind

or do you... He's like the wind. She's like the wind. She's like the wind. Such a long way to go. And then I'm going to attack. So I'm going to try to attack. Please hit. Okay, so I get a 20.

That's a hit. Okay, so I hit with a 20, and I'm going to do my extra attack. So I get two attacks. Okay. Do I need to roll again for the other attack? Yeah, you gotta roll for the other attack, but you get to roll damage on that first attack. So I get two attacks. Okay. Do I need to roll again for the other attack? Yeah, you gotta roll

for the other attack, but you get to roll damage on that first attack. Okay, so I'll do damage on this, which is 1d8. And then I have my bonus, right? 1d8 and the 1d6. With the Hunter's Mark

and the Zephyr's Wind. Nice. We've got three. Christopher Cross, he was the one that wore his pants backwards, right? Plus five is 16, slashing. Wow, all right.

16 slashing. Oh, plus two because I have a duelist. Okay. So it's 18. All right. And then I'm going to roll again for my second attack. Oh, okay.

That's a 16 plus seven. So that's a hit, right? 23. And then I will do... Do I get... Okay. Once before the spell turns, so I don't get Zephyr, but I do get Hunter's Mark. So then I'll do...

7 plus 5 is 12. 12 slashing. Okay. And then I'm going to say Phoebe Van Grantham is going to attack as well. 12. 12 slashing. Okay. And then I'm going to say Phoebe Van Grantham is going to attack as well. Awesome. She jumps off your shoulders

and lands upon this thing's head, I guess. This is like every which way but loose. That's exactly right. Phoebe whiffs it. But with a dead-turned Phoebe. Phoebe whiffs it.

We've got... She drops a cleaver because she rolled a three. Oh, no. Oh, no. Yeah, it's a cool... God damn it. Okay.

And I also lower my nostril width to a normal width, because it's creeping everybody out. Okay, you get to choose. It's coming at you. You can do a strength or a dexterity saving throw. Definitely dexterity, because I have a much higher dexterity. All right, let's hear it. So I just roll.

Oh, no. Oh, boy. That's a four plus my dexterity, which we've plus four. All right, so you get knocked prone as this thing slams into you. Phoebe. Wait, the monkey got knocked prone, or you did? No, she did. No, I did.

All right, so first you take nine points of bludgeoning damage. Oh, wait, it was 12, but still it's not. It was plus eight. Oh, okay. That's pretty good, unfortunately. It's pretty good, unfortunately. You needed a 16. How many damage did I get?

12? Oh, God, I don't remember. It was 12. Was it 12? I'll give you 12. What? Sorry. We're making it 12, listeners who heard and remember.

It was 12. And then you take 17 points of slashing damage. That's the same number of apostles that Jesus had. It's 12. Blackie, can we just fight? Hey, I'm just saying. Alright, and I'm prone?

You're prone and you are knocked back five feet. So out of melee range first. He would totally fight this Bulette. I wonder if I should do a religion check and get God to come down here. Did you want Phoebs to try to land on the Bulette when she did that attack?

Yeah, that would be badass. So she's like riding the back of the Bulette. Try to have it do a dexterity saving throw to stay. She rode an 18. Great, so she's clinging to this thing's head. Hi-yah! I don't know how well that midi's going to balance, but I sure want it to work.

Oh, my God. It works. It looks like a novelty hat at Disneyland. It's kind of amazing right now. I'm pretty happy from this angle. Verdenfell, you're up. Decent. I will take advantage of the fact that we are behind this lich.

I'm going to walk up to him and say, Char would like to meet you. And I cast Inflict Wounds. Now, because he's occupied with... This is a melee spell attack. Can I roll with advantage on this guy? Because he doesn't see me. Yeah, because Bodhi...

Well, you get advantage just because he's flanked. Bodhi's right in front of him, so he's kind of trapped. All right. Is it like a backstab kind of thing? No. It's just because if you have two people kind of like clockwise on either side... Where's your god now, Blaine? Oh, did you get snake eyes?

No, I didn't get snake eyes, but I didn't do great. I got a 16. You needed a 17. Damn it all. Oh, shit. So you only get one? I think that's his action. You fancy melee fighters get all your extra rolls,

but such is not the case for Verdon. Up next, however, we do have Garima. So is the Bulette accessible in terms of attacks? Yes, absolutely. And it's bearing... The office door is always open. It's bearing down on Slurdina. Okay, so I'm going to have some words.

I'm going to close the office door and be like, listen... Brian, where are you putting her? Close to the Bulette. Okay. Brian decided to put you next to the Bulette. That's cool. I was coming up behind him though, right? But yeah.

That's why I was confused. I was actually giving it to Sarah. Okay. She was looking down. It's also my least favorite Yes album. Giving it to Sarah. That's a weird name for a Yes album. Yeah.

That's unfortunate. Not. What just happened. Okay. So I'm going to attack. It's more of a Kim Cribson record. Please roll, Seraph. Really? You don't want this to go on forever?

I will Venmo you $30 to roll the dice. Let's all sing Sarah Smile to clear up. I wonder how much prog rock Billie Eilish. Okay. That's a 23. That's definitely a hit. How much prog rock Billie Eilish? Okay. Ooh. That's a 16.

That's a 23. That's definitely a hit. Okay. I stab it, and it's backside. Okay. Give me that damage, please. Okay. I'm going to roll it right now.

That reminds me. I was at Palladino's. I was watching a game show down there. Who wants to be a Marillionaire? I don't know what that reference is. I pulled that out of my ass to fill time. I'll play you six hours of Marillion when we're done here. show down there who wants to be a marillionaire i don't know what that reference is i'm i pulled that out of my ass to fill time i'll play you six hours of marillion when we're done here by the way uh when i was losing my virginity marillion was playing not the band but on my

cassette oh it's a band hey sarah what was the dice you don't want to go around and play okay i um i'm so close to That was 10 points of damage. Okay. I did that before Blaine was talking about losing his virginity on our podcast. Of course you did. Bye. Okay. That probably is not a hit.

That's a 12. No, that is a miss. Okay. You need a 17 to hit the bullet. Okay. Then I'm going to roll one more time. Oh, my goodness. My die.

That's a 16 nope dan you didn't have to say it like that no yeah that was a little condescending no slur dina you're up uh now you're not prone you can use half your movement to get up i need to use half my movement to get up. Yep. Holy boy. Okay. I'm going to get up. Okay. I would have helped you, but I thought you were going to try to eat me. Yes. So I'm going to move forward and attack.

All right. Again. And I'm going to just attack. I'm just doing a little attack. And I still have Hunter's Mark, right? Mm-hmm. Oh, actually, you know what? I need you to do a constitution saving throw to see if you kept Hunter's Mark going.

Oh, okay. That's a concentration. I know it's a concentration thing. Do I have to lose this 18? Because it's a real pretty 18. Well, so you definitely got a hit. But let's also do the Hunter's Mark. 15 plus my constitution will be two.

Yeah. You make the... Okay. You still got Hunter's Mark. Okay. So I do... I hit. Okay.

So I have my Hunter's Mark. And then I have my 1d8 plus five slashing. I'm going to use the thing I forgot to use last time, which is my, what is it called? I'm a big guy. I'm a big guy. Oh, Fury of the Small. You're in the small.

11 extra damage to a creature with a size larger than yours. One per short vest, so I'm going to be doing that. It's definitely a size larger than you. I think it's a bit as as is evidented by this this is very good i need to take a photo of this that's 24 24 damage 24 damage because i rolled uh eight plus uh eight plus yeah eight plus five plus 11's 24 damage, and I get another attack. I'll say as you sink your sword into this guy with that first attack, you just get a big chunk of its maw and its blood sprays across the skin. I need those pieces.

I make a note to get that chunk later. Oh, no, the Pope's nose. That's 19. That's a hit. All right, so then I get Hunter's Mark again, correct? Mm-hmm. Then I do a 1d8. That's a hit.

All right, so then I get Hunter's Mark again, correct? Mm-hmm. Then I do a 1d8. Oh, 8 plus 4 plus 5 is 12 plus 17. 17 slashing? Yeah. Man, slashing. So, Flordina, cinematically speaking,

how would you like to see this Bulette meet its end? Oh, my goodness. Okay, so I see, I mean, I've studied the anatomy of a Bulette. I can do a Bulette fillets. I could do a nice souffle out of Bulette blubber. So I know exactly where to carve. And what I want to do is I want it to have it. I want to have it so that basically Phoebe Van Grantham. And I want to give the kill to Phoebe

because Phoebe's having some self-esteem issues lately. A few whiffs. So I'm like, yeah, no, but I'm like, Phoebe, attack, because I want her to go down thinking that she did the killing blow. And so I'm going to roll for her. She does not hit, but it looks like she hits. She goes, ee, ee, ee, ee, ee, ee, e goes, and she goes, two little baby cleavers right in their eyeballs.

And she thinks that really does it in as she rides this large penis-like orca creature down to the ground. It's a huge blubberous thump. Huzzah. Love it. All right. Well, that thing is toast.ump. Huzzah. Love it. All right. Well, that thing is toast. You all see it crash into the snow. It would be.

You bet. You guys can't get it. It's out of your price range, but yes, it would be. It's like Kobe Bulet. I don't know. There's a bunch of treasure over there. That's true.

You guys can spend your treasure on my Bulet. It is pronounced a-tooth-it. You're charging us full price? 10% discount. 10%? It's a friends and family discount. Small business owners. Come on, man.

With a triumph like this, I think that it would be a great meal for us to group on. So you like the puns, huh? Never heard of them. Oh, they're a Rutles cover band. All right, so Black, you're up. No, Bod i'm sorry boaties up uh higher decks than blackie yeah well i'm gonna i'm am i still scared yes yeah brian you're still scared you coward not the character you Poseidon, are a coward.

I wish everyone wasn't so quiet after I said that. 24 on the first one. That's a hit. Because I'm still frantic. With disadvantage. Yeah. You've got to roll twice. You've got to roll twice and take the lower number.

I'm frantic, but I'm terrified. 17. Still hit. Okay. Wow. What's your damage? Pretty good. Okay.

That's all I needed. 25. Oh, numbers? All right. Cool. What's your next attack going to be? You're shaking like a leaf. Yeah, although the whole time you have to get really weak arms uh 24 again oh shit that was uh need a 17 to hit him 17 sorry so third attack that one Third attack. That one. Oh.

That's probably going to be my low one. 11. Yeah. Fuck. Against 21. So scared. My fear gets the best of me. Yep.

Just a little weak in the elbows, just as is your style. Fuck you. All right you this is the worst Thanksgiving ever I'll take it up we got Blackie I'm gonna Eldritch blast this guy right in his dragon face okay I like to see you try okay

20 that's a hit 14 not a hit. 14. Not a hit. All right. How about 14 damage? That is going to do it for this guy. How do you want to see him die? I'd love to.

Okay. All right. Do you want to get more specific? You know what? I would like to see him fly backwards like he's being pulled backwards into an elevator by somebody who realized that their husband was getting out on the wrong floor. Awesome.

And it is so. That'll do it for Blackie's turn. So this guy is going to start reacting to the fact that he is clearly losing this battle. So he is going to wave an arm behind him, and you guys see this open up. He is then going to wave his other hand,

and this guy climbs out. Whoa! What's that? And I'm going to need everybody within 20 feet of him to do a constitution saving throw. What is this asshole? He came out of like a coin. It's a portal.

I don't know. It's a standard retreat portal that your bodyguard comes out of. I don't use my imagination. I'm so sorry. It's a giant Abraham Lincoln. It's a huge penny. I was like, I don't recognize that. Constitution saving throws from everybody, please.

Rick and Morty look weird in this season. I got a four. That's not good. Sixteen. Sixteen. Okay. What is this constitution? Oh, you're not in that range.

I'm not over there. I don't know why I expected this to be everybody. It's because you're crowded. Wow. Tower fail. You get to roll that again if you want. Heard of me. He had to take off his headphones. Brian dropping his dice brought to you by four okay

spencer's gaffes get yourself a pet fuck i mean fart what a gaff spencer's gaffes Is that one written down? Yeah. Oh, fuck. Okay. So, roll that. Constitution saving throw. Oh, man. I should have taken that other one. Four.

Whoa. All right. So, Chet, Verdon fell, and Bodhi, you are all going to take 26 points of necrotic damage just by him showing up as he raises both his hands and black smoky tendrils come out of the ground and pierce your flesh. Ow. When smoky tendrils...

It's going to add a nice flavor though, right? I hear violins. You guys, I'm going to have to cut your feet off when I prepare you later. But then you pickle them, right? You can pickle, if you pickle the infected necrotic areas, you can make a tasty, it's like a thousand year old egg, you know what I'm saying?

I don't, but now I wish I did. That'll bring us up next to Chet. Is anybody dead? Anybody fall down, go boom? I was. Well, you are, but did you just... No, you're not in the area.

What are you going to do, Chet? I am going to find the largest stone around me. Do a survival check? No, you can pick survival or nature. For stone searching. I don't know, man. Is there big rocks around at all i mean

there's like some i guess but you got a roll before i really tell you uh would you say nature or survival yeah survival okay 17 yeah you find like a nice medium fist size rock all right i'm gonna cast catapult oh there's bigger than that if you want. Whatever the biggest one I see. With that roll I will give you that there is as big as you want. Okay. Like a 20 pounder. Okay.

I'm going to cast catapult at 6th level. Okay. Oh shit. Fires a stone at him okay can you imagine getting hit with a 20 pound cat imagine that

at 6th level oh my god 20 pound cat you're like dropping a 20 pound cat from a 6 story building as long as it doesn't have Taylor Swift's face CGI'd onto it I'm okay remember Fur Pig he was a 20 pound cat I remember yeah Fur Pig was great. He was like a hassock with legs. He was amazing.

Get really high and get underneath a glass table and let him walk across the table. That's called the Danny Thomas. 37 points of damage. How would you like to see this lich die from being hit with a rock? Holy shit! Does he have a head?

Yeah, it's like a skull Yeah, he's got stupid black eyes I want the rock to just hit him right in the face And pull him back Up into this tree Wow Okay It's aggressive

You're gonna eat us I think he's ruining good meat That's what he's doing You can get it down later He's skewering himself on some branches. I think he's ruining good meat. That's what he's doing. You can get it down later. Yeah, unfortunately, I don't think the pipe cleaner-like stuff will hold him. You can try. Let me ruin this thing for everyone.

Break this. All right, so he goes down. He goes flying. And a couple of things happen. Bodhi, you're no longer frightened, for one thing. I know. For another thing. You weren't. You're never really frightened. No. This blinks out of existence.

Ha ha. Bye-bye portal. And this thing gets real mad and looks at Jet. Oh, hi. Oh, boy. My portal! Does it have, like, a backpack on this whole thing? Yeah, it's got, like, weird, like, bony, spirally stuff coming out of it. It's like green Krampus.

Yeah, it does look a little bit Krampus-y. Okay, so. What is that? It's got those backwards dog knees on it. That's going to be a 26 to hit. Chet, as he comes for you. Yes, that is a hit. Okay.

Wow. Again, everybody gets really serious. You guys. Because it seems like you like hurting your friends. We worry about you. It's just what the dice do. Somebody's going to get quashed. It's just a bonus episode.

Okay. You take 14 points of bludgeoning damage. It's not even nothing. It hits you with one fist, and then... Are you still up? Okay. Then a 20 to hit. You're gonna take another

13 points of bludgeoning damage from its other fist. Still up? Ooh, Chet is strong. Then it'll bring us... Ain't no thing. To Verdon. Verdon, you see this thing behind you

just starting to pummel Chet. I say, no, no, no. We use our words. We don't use our hands. And I cast Banishment. Okay. That's a saving throw if I'm not mistaken. It is.

It must make a, I believe, Charisma 17. This thing has a negative three to Charisma. Wow. Oh, really? He's kind of the opposite of black and green. Interesting. Three. It is, for one minute, it is sent to another plane.

If its place of origin is from another plane it returns there never to return again so you throw a hand up how would you like to see this thing get banished forever I say Char waits for you

nothing about your creepy dead wife hmm oh yeah do you know have you met the lady Lygia? Have you seen her anywhere? No. Fuck off then. Okay. And he is sent to another dimension

for eternity. You guys... What's about to get happen? We're getting a treasure. Treasure? You now gonna get treasure Treasure Yeah, you now have a treasure chest before you Wow

Yeah, I run around this Christmas tree and check out the treasure I get my special fillet knives out And I just start preparing the bulette You know, you can't take the whole carcass You have to really carve out the good pieces So I'm up there in the loins and the flank. Can you give us just a little bit of a real thinly cut cheek for us just to gnaw on while we go over the treasure?

You know, I can maybe conjure. I do have some cooking tools, and I'm proficient in them. So I get a little pot out, and I see that, you know, we're going to have a little celebration. I send out Phoebe Van Grantham, and I have her go out and collect some herbs, maybe some Brussels sprouts. She finds them in the, and then we start

to make a little stew out of some cheek because that was not the requested part of the Bulette. That's very fancy. That's great. She's not even checking out

the treasure also though. Oh. Hey, before we eat, can we say some grace? No. Okay, I'm just checking.

All right, well you guys find in the treasure chest uh 325 gold you find uh six healing Canadian is it six healing yeah six healing potions that's that's something you might actually find useful on one of these adventures as opposed to all the items that you never get identified um and you also find a strange pair of folded up black wings that have a magical aura about them and a danzig song no but you get a very strong uh sense that perhaps uh you you you might know what they are black and green Green. Oh. The wings. Yeah. Maybe they're wings of flying.

An item that you are probably familiar with. Wings of flying. That is the actual Dungeons and Dragons name. Are there any legs of walking? Again, this is what they are called. Are there any bottles of port or merlot inside that treasure chest?

Because I actually, now that this Master Team piece has been made in this pot that I have in my inventory and my cooking tools, this cannot be eaten without some kind of alcohol. Okay. Do an investigation check. I actually have tons in my packs. Oh, okay. Oh, okay. Wait, what? I didn't investigate very well.

Green was kind of an alcoholic. I have those tubes that come out at the game or whatever where you can just hydrate yourself. Oh, you have the double beer bong thing? Yeah, yeah. Oh, okay, great. Do you wear a baseball hat like Homer Simpson? I rolled a 14, so that's not quite right.

Yeah, I mean, there's a bottle of red in there, but you don't think it's poured or anything fun. So we could open it in maybe just three, the couple minutes before we... Okay, that's fine. I i mean i'll eat like a savage it's it's fine uh and that'll do it you guys uh would someone be so kind as to hand sam our microphone hi everybody all right the second patreon episode oh so this is the episode where we finally start saying don't do that to each other's personalities. I got up to pee and I came back.

I think we're fighting a bottle cap blamed only as two modes double twenties or drop dice on the floor. This monkey is riding the Bulette and stabbing him like Legolas. I wonder what Orlando Bloom does these days. Oh, that's right. He's on that cloud show with his weird acting voice. I helped Sarah's Mike so she could be heard clearly, and it was the angriest I've ever seen her look at me.

I just watched a monkey kill a bulette. I'm on an animal murder high. Everyone make sure to order your So You Like Puns, huh? T-shirts now, so they're in time for the holidays. Chet threw a rock at somebody and then banished him. Fucking classic Chet, man. Cool. Embrace Your Weird?

Oh, yes. That's my book. I can't hear it to my phones right now, but I assume that things are good. My book is called Embrace Your Weird. It's a very nice thing for... I can hear you. Okay, good.

It's a very nice gift. It's good for starting the new year out, right, y'all? And it's funny. I have some fart jokes in there. If you want to self-help with fart jokes, Embrace Your Weird. Awesome. Thanks for playing. Thank you. Thank you so much for havinghelp with fart jokes, embrace your beard. Awesome. Thanks for playing.

Thank you so much for coming. That was super fun. Hopefully Slurdina will go down in canon. You guys will stay in touch. Bring her back anytime. Somebody start the Nerd Poker Wiki back up. All right. When Shea Slurdina opens,

I invite all of you for a free meal on me. We're going to hold you. By the way, Slurdina definitely gets I invite all of you for a free meal on me. Okay? Ooh, sweet. We're going to hold you. Yeah, and by the way, Slurdina definitely gets enough meat to bring back to the inn and kind of get some leverage. So I basically become the chef at the Dirty Turtle Inn?

Yeah, which is, you know, Dirty Tortoise, I believe. Yeah, Dirty Tortoise, yeah. Yeah, yeah. Awesome. Victory. Anything to plug? Yeah, I mean, I'm not sure when this episode drops, but if it's before December 18th, I would love if you'd come see my monthly show,

The Filling, that I co-host with Taya Lux. This month we have Dana Gould, Yasser Lester, Morgan Murphy, James Fritz, Angela Yontz, Grace Jung, and Madison Shepard. Cool. I'll be done the 14th. I'm in Colorado, and then I'm done for the holidays. But my first gig back is Sacramento Punchline,

second week of January. Oh, great. Yeah. It's always fun up there. That's where I started, you guys. Thanks for listening. Thanks for listening to another episode of nerd poker you can follow us at patreon.com slash nerd poker and you get bonus episodes from there and you can also uh send us

anything at p.o box one six zero six nine encino california nine one four one six thanks for listening Thanks for listening.