Nerd Poker - Minotaur Heist with Kevin Sussman

Episode Date: June 21, 2022

Behold! Whilst we get ready for Season 5, enjoy this early 2020 bonus episode straight from Brian's house! Kevin Sussman from The Big Bang Theory comes by and takes our crew on one of their more... chaotic adventures. We hope you can come support us on www.patreon.com/nerdpoker and help keep this podcast alive!

Hello nerds, it's me, Dan Telfer, and this is not your usual episode of Nerd Poker. This is a bonus episode that we recorded at Brian's house in early February or January of 2020 with Kevin Sussman, who Brian is cool enough to know from when he was on television. It was a great time. I think you're really going to like this adventure. And it's from Patreon. And we're sharing this with you because we are between adventures. Everyone's recalibrating what character they're going to play in season five. But also, I really want to let you guys know that Patreon isn't just like a place for bonus junk. It is really the lifeblood of this podcast.

And I hope as many of you guys can hop on board as possible right now between seasons because there is just so much going on over there. We've got like three bonus episodes a month. We basically are doing twice the amount of episodes in another feed. the amount of episodes in another feed. If you guys like what we're doing, I have made so many characters and monsters and puzzles and adventures over there that I'm really proud of. But also we've got guests like comic book writer, Gail Simone,

critical roles, Marisha Ray and Matt Mercer. Freaking Andy Richter was just on one of our bonus episodes. You know, Joe Manganiello has been on there a few times. Tom Lennon did entire stretches and runs. Patton Oswalt has not only done a little run of adventures with us, but him and his wife Meredith Salinger came on together. Brian has played with his wife, Melanie, and his son Rhodes. There's just, it's just a ton of extra content. I do a little Dungeon Masters Q&A every week. There's, you know, bonus behind

the scenes videos. And I'm just so stoked that I get to do this podcast. And if folks weren't able to contribute to Patreon, we couldn't keep doing Nerd Poker. So if you have any room in your budget, I totally get if you can't. But if you have any room in your budget where you can subscribe to us on Patreon, we're gonna make it worth your while we have a great time contributing over there and we hope this taste convinces you thank you and have a pleasant nerding Hey everybody, I'm Brian Poussin, comedian, writer, actor, nerd. I've been playing D&D with my friends for a long time. I decided to do a new podcast where we play Dungeons & Dragons in my very own dining room with my wife, kid, and my noisy dogs.

So meet my friends Sarah, Kev, Dan, Clay, Chris. Now it's time for another episode of Brian Poussaint's Nerd Poker. Season three. Hey, everybody. It's Brian Poussaint, and you're listening to Brian Poussaint's Nerd Poker. It's our first bonus episode of the new year and of January, which is the first month of the new year. I don't know if you know that. Chris, you good? That's right. Yeah, yeah. year, end of January, which is the first month of the new year.

I don't know if you know that. Chris, you good? That's right. Yeah, yeah. You nailed it, buddy. There we go. My friends are here. Chris.

Hello. Sarah. Hello. Dan. Hiya. Blaine. Hi. We're down Ken, but at the end of the table, as always, is Sam.

Hi, everyone. And because it's a bonus episode, we have a bonus friend. I think everybody at the table met you for the first time tonight, right? But I've known Kevin Sussman for a while. We worked together on a television show that was struggling for 12 years. Really snuck by there. On one of the small three, is that what they're called, the network? You got it, buddy.

Yeah, it was a show called The Big Bang Theory. He's here. Hey, Kevin. We both played nerds. We played nerds. Played nerds. Big quotes. Thank you for being on our show, Kevin.

And we play in another game together, and I thought he would be perfect to do the show. I'm glad you're here, man. Thanks. Thank you. You were wrong, but thank you. You're going to have fun. I promise.

I would like to thank some of the supporters who on Patreon make this show possible. Thank you, Shane Wager. Thanks. Thanks, Dick Trebuchet. Thanks, Thorsday Adams. Thanks, Thorsday. Thanks, Ben Zody. Thanks, Dick Trebuchet. Thanks, Thorsday Adams. Thanks, Ben Zody. Thanks, Sam Gibson.

Thanks, Gamorian Orc. Thanks, Steve Wilchester Stonerfieldville Vanhausen, Orc Extraordinaire. Thank you, Eric Maughan. Thank you. Thank you, Modeled Skeleton. Thank you, Bobbert Bob. Thank you, Dank Queep. Thank bob thank you dank queep thank you

shane herzer thank you scott parker thank you sean bryant thank you sean fake name thank you pepperbert thank you tiktoks downstairs mix up oh thank you wiffle diffle 69 thank you alan meneric thank you non-specific thank you matt carter thank you eric pain thank you nom nom the Thank you, Nonspecific. Thank you, Matt Carter. Thank you, Eric Payne. Thank you, NomNomTheCon. Thank you, Dr. Uwud Sticky Fluid. And thank you, Toblerone Jones. Yay! Those are all real people.

Every single one of them. We make them submit a birth certificate and a social security card before they're allowed to create a Patreon.com username. So those are all verified, real, passport-worthy names. What happened? Oh, it doesn't matter. It's a bonus episode. We're starting from scratch here. And you know, we're going to go around the table and meet everybody else first.

Then we'll narratively ask our guest's character to come on in. But just for the sake of our listeners, because we don't know exactly which characters may show up. Hey, Blaine, who will you be playing today? Oh, hi. It's me, Blackie Green. Hooray, Blackie Green, a half-elf warlock, if I am not mistaken. Yeah, you're not. Very charismatic.

He is. Hey, I didn't say it. You like to let word of mouth travel for Blackie Green. Hey, you know what? Would you even know? I let a lot of body parts travel like on a one to ten scale what or one to twenty scale what your charisma is i don't even i don't i don't want to get into it i i never pay attention to that stuff yeah hey brian who are you playing today um bode all right you did a big deep breath

you let the whole breath out and then with the last gasp You did Bodhi's voice That's what I did The half-orc barbarian As we were telling Kevin In the beginning of the episode Named after I'm full barbarian Oh

But Only half-orc I'm not a half-barbarian Yeah Did I say you were? No I knew That guy doesn't normally get sassy.

Yeah, I thought Bodhi was chill. Bodhi's not sassy. Yeah, I know. Yeah, you're right. A little bit of that goth. In the main campaign, he plays more of a goth, pouty, hot topic kind of guy. I get it mixed up. Hey, Sarah.

Bodhi's got to be chill. Who are you playing today, Sarah? I will be performing the role of Grima, who is a, um, forgot. This is our town. Spotlight. Um,

uh, who is a stout halfling and a fighter, you know, likes to swing a sword that is bigger than she is. I think you say stout. We say Bach. Oh, he's talking about dark beer.

There's a dark beer. It's like a Bach. I prefer Newcast Dark Beer. Is it Dark Beer? No. It's like a Bach. I prefer Newcastle myself. Hey, Chris. Hey, Dan. Who are you going to play today? My name is Verden Fell. I am a grave priest.

I search for my lost love, Lygia, and when I do, I will reunite us in death. Wow. When you do find her, not when you do search for her. No, yeah, when I find her. Did I not say that part? You said, and when I do. Oh, sorry. And I was just like, whoa. Half barbarian. I was like wondering for a second what you had in mind. You know, you should

have had her chipped. We're all way more high than I thought we were. You should have had her chipped. As soon as I find her, right? Get her chipped. Behind the right ear. Oh boy, that sounds very strange. Now, is she dead? Mm-hmm. Okay. She has died, but thanks to the goddess of death, Shar,

I shall reclaim lives. Wow. Oh, Shar. So all four of you are in a tavern talking about Verdunfell's dead wife, I guess. I feel like I've told you guys this story like 80 times. I keep thinking that Verdenfell's dead wife, I guess. I feel like I've told you guys this story like 80 times. I keep thinking that you're Norman.

My dead wife. Herd and voice. Dark Borat. Y'all knocking back some beers. Impersonating Borat. And then a minotaur enters the bar. He is very large.

Oh, wow. And very tall. Hi. He approaches your table. Hi there. Hi. I overheard you guys talking about Verdunfell's dead wife. Do we know each other?

I'm interested in what this segue is going to be. I don't know anything about that. Okay. So please excuse my interruption. Here, look at him. I'm Kevnard. My name is Kevnard. Kevnard the Accountable.

Hey, Kevnard. That's how I'm known. I'm Bodhi. That's sort of a nickname. Okay. Accountable to... In general, you can rely on me. It's a little bit of a play

on words because I work at a bank. Oh. In accounting? Thus, Kevnard the Accountable. Actually, I used to work at a bank. I was let go before the end of this last year. And here's the thing.

I was let go without any kind of compensation. I didn't get my Christmas bonus and so on. And, you know, what's fair is fair. I saw you guys here you seem like a capable group of adventurers and i have a proposition to make i have special knowledge of bank tuck bill where i worked and i'm wondering if you might join me by infiltrating the bank. I happen to know where the vault is. I know my way around the bank. I have a map which I can share with you. And I'd like to go into the bank and again, you know, I'm not a, this isn't like a, I'm not a violent person.

I don't want there to be any killing or anything. I just want to go into the bank, make our way into the vault. I just want to take what's mine. I want my Christmas bonus. Nothing else. what's mine. I want my Christmas bonus. Nothing else. But here's, if you agree to join me on this quest, this is what I think we should do. We go in and I pretend to be a kidnapping victim of yours. We, you know, we play this as though you guys are just some uh local bandits local bandits are out of town exotic it's more exotic if we're out of town yeah yeah this isn't my branch

so i'm i'm uh yeah okay i mean i come to this bar all the time i've never seen you i'm assuming you're from out of town yeah sure okay it doesn't even matter the point is we're on our way to ocean city okay so we go in there um and you know i have plausible deniability because i could always say that well you knew that i worked at this bank and you forced me to help you guys get in there and this way we go in you take what you want i'm not a part of that uh normally you know i wouldn't even do this kind of thing i just want what's mine i just want what's fair i don't want anybody to get hurt i'm not even gonna bring a weapon i'm not a fighter i'm a banker um what do you guys think uh Are there other people that were wronged by the... Who's the owner of this bank?

Do we know any background about him? Yeah, you know, it's a goblin-owned bank. It's got a lot of evil connections to it. It's not surprising to you guys that a minotaur was employed as an accountant. Wait, what is that supposed to mean? You know, just sort of culturally, like goblins and minotaurs. You've heard of beast folk like that kind of hanging out together. No offense, beast folk out there.

Stereotyping. Not even sure what that means. This is a heist. Yeah. I'm asking you to do a heist. Yeah, I'm asking you to do a heist. I've done them in my past. I was part of a group called the Dead Paladins,

where we would rob banks and coastal towns. There was something about your disguise, though, wasn't there, Boney? Yeah, I'd wear a paladin mask of a dead paladin. Famous paladin. A famous paladin. Did he become famous after he died? No. Oh my gosh. Wait, no, I don't remember.

I answered that and I'm not even sure. This is gross. Some gross backstory about his actual face you wore on your own face? No, no, no, no. Masks. A disguise. I thought it was like a death mask. So you took the mask off the dead guy?

No. So you ripped his face off and put it on your own face while it was still dripping blood. Haven't you seen the movie Point Break? Oh, actually, no. So that's why that didn't make any sense to me. It's a mask you would purchase

at a store that sells funny things. I saw face off and I saw The Mask. Right. Yeah. So is it like either one of those? Yes, both. Okay, so this is a plot point in the film, in our real world life, called Point Break.

Well, no, my character, Bodhi, is... Right, but then Bodhi is... But his history... I got it. I got it now. I'm sorry. This is my fault. You don't remember?

I've played this before. No, no, because she wasn't, she was not back with us at full time when we did those bonus episodes. We did cover all of this. Yeah, we covered his whole backstory.

Yeah. Hey, did any of our characters see 1917? I could talk about that for a while. It was amazing. My character saw that a few days ago.

It was really, really something else. My character chose to see Knives Out instead because he hadn't seen it yet. Oh. You were talking earlier that I might, not morally, but my character's done this before.

Sure, you've done heists before, but specifically, you're going to kind of have to pretend you've got a hostage. Oh, right. And walk in there with somebody. He doesn't want any violence. No killing. Well, listen.

Maybe some shoving. Sure. Some intimidating. No one. Well, listen. Maybe some shoving. Sure. Some intimidating. No one wants to hurt anyone, but we must be prepared to properly carry out the drama. I mean. Can we do like a Batman situation where we knock 400 people unconscious in the space of like three minutes? That's totally cool.

Yes. They'll all be fine. Yeah, it'll be interesting for sure. And he knows not only the layout, he can show you all his map, but he knows there are armed guards at specific locations. Well, let's get into that. Persona-wise, these people you do not want to hurt, how many are we talking about? Not many.

I mean, there are a couple of armed guards, you know. How many arms? Well, it depends on what day of the week we do this because sometimes there are minotaurs i don't know how many if you're considered so if like is it considered an arm if there's a hoof on it sure my point is that's a leg we're looking at where you're looking at probably about a dozen arms or so. Okay. All right. So six people. Roughly, depending on the race. Here's my question about how this might apply to us in the city at large is, will we have any alarms rung and have local constabulary things happen to us?

things happen to us so you know um uh kevinard there are at least three doors that have both traps and alarms attached to them uh on either end of this hallway leading to the vault and the ice machine and leading on down into the basement where the vault proper is there's also a potential for some kind of alarm like magic alarm in both of the bank manager offices on either side but those those are optional you guys don't have to go into those offices that's if you want more treasure now do they all now know this or is that in a i'm kind of filling it in yeah discussion in a in a private for the sake of i'm private, for the sake of, I'm saying like for the sake of this narrative,

you would share this, but they haven't agreed to do it yet. True. If I just give them all of this info before they've agreed, they could just cut me out of the whole thing. That's a great idea. Grab him. That's on how this adventure is supposed to go down.

Put him in a sack and throw it in the river. I would say that... I'll throw you this. Maybe this would make Kevin Hart a little more comfortable sharing that much information. You would know these guys probably couldn't pull the heist off without a hostage because there's an alarm, there's an alarm, there's an alarm,

there's an alarm, and there's an alarm. And if they all go off, this place is going to be flooded with a goblin army. We're talking like solid 50 goblins, more than would normally fit in there and they would just get overwhelmed. Yeah. So this isn't a situation where we can go in axes blazing.

We're going to need to... Well, unfortunately... See that table over there? Of those other gentlemen without all the axes? Yeah. What do we think? Well, I think it's outrageous that you didn't get your Christmas bonus. Thank you.

So in the spirit of Christmas? I guess we're going to go rob a bank. After Christmas. It's a Christmas heist. Yeah. Well, it's a post-Christmas. It's a first quarter heist. For President's Day.

Yeah. For President's Day, we should do this. After all, Bodhi's wearing them on his face. Well, he's wearing paladins. That's why I got the paladins. I know. You get it. All right.

So here's the problem. How do we, can you handle alarms? Do you know how to diffuse these alarms? No. Um, but I know where they are. Okay. And I think that we can coerce the people that do know how to undo the

alarms to undo the alarms. What will happen if I attack an alarm? Would that work? Do you think? I mean, I feel like that's my skillset really. And that's, that's sort of the start and finish of it.

Yeah. But I'm, I'm happy to give it a go. So I, so you have some success with that in the past? Alarms per se, no. But definitely I have swung swords at things, and that's worked out pretty well so far.

She's a brute. Excuse me, sir. In a good way. How dare you. I'm just saying. Merry Christmas. Well, bah humbug. Well, I think that might work.

Okay, let's do it. I mean, as long as we, you know, we can do it surreptitiously. People are dying. A little bit of narrative texture for you guys, too. You guys are currently drinking in a dwarven city underground, and this is a bank run by goblins just outside in an adjacent

series of caves. This is all subterranean, and this is behind thick stone walls that are virtually impossible to get through because they're magically protected so uh this is the only way in is the two front doors between those two guards right there that's the door in and we have to go all the way back and then down those stairs and there is another door here and another door here. I'm going to dress up like an old lady named Tilly Shimmelstone.

I'm going to put a blanket over my lap and I need Fred or Barney to push me into the bank teller. And I successfully defeat all the guards and rob the bank. Oh my gosh, this has been fun. Kevin, thank you so much for driving all the way out here. Thank you for having me.

Can you enter the bank under your own, as though you are walking in and then are grabbed, or do you need to be held, like forced in, as though you have already been taken prisoner? Well, I don't technically work there anymore. I was escorted out of the bank because they made a little bit of a fuss when they fired me.

Why were you fired? You know, I'd rather not go into that. Shouldn't we hold you accountable? Oh boy! The thing is, I did some creative accounting. know move some ones and some some

twos and larger numbers than that around and i probably shouldn't have uh but you know what i mean when i got the job at the bank i thought everything was above board i didn't realize that the people that work at this bank uh were not you know, these are not good orcs. Their ethics were questionable. A skewed moral compass, if you will. So this money,

I... What did you do with that money? I gave it all to charity. I would have. I would have if I hadn't gotten caught. That was my intention. You know, I'm not in this for the money. I don't have a nice house.

I'm just... One bedroom labyrinth. Exactly. Couple throw pillows, you know. Well, I think this sounds like a great idea and it's going to go great. So I say let's do it all right yeah you guys are in i'm out you're out i have an eight wisdom and in my eight wisdom i uh

i think this is a grand plan i think this could go very well for us yeah sure so everybody's in because i need all of you guys i just feel like it wouldn't be right you're all sitting at this table can we i think they're all in yeah so now it's just really a matter of figuring out what the running order say would be like front to back as you guys bring a hostage would anybody wait outside is there anyone in this bar though who we could buy like like uh scrolls or something from like maybe some non-lethal since we don't have a lot of non-lethal stuff right yeah we have healing potions left from last time remember we talked about that okay well yeah I love to see if there's

oh yeah six healing potions I'd love to see if yeah there's maybe some kind of you know seller of something that would could help us either with traps or non-lethal weaponry. I mean, if anybody would like, they can, uh, they can canvas the bar with a persuasion check. Here's one thing.

Not that this isn't a good way to get stuff. I would be, if we're about to do a heist, I'd be careful about how many people we start telling, Hey, do you have a great way to make everybody go to sleep or whatever? Right? Sure, sure. We should just be careful about it.

The fun thing about this is for some reason I always feel like these adventures almost don't count. You know, it's like we're going to just do it for two hours

and then it's like we just wake up like it never happened. Yeah, I feel like no matter if we all die, it's still going to be okay. How about everybody rolls a persuasion?

I was going to say, I think Blackie Green should do it because he's going to be the most persuasive. I just roll a 20. I don't know if that counts. What's your bonus to persuasion? My bonus to persuasion? Your charisma bonus, if you will. My charisma bonus?

That's a plus 4 so 24 and what are you looking for exactly what is the goal of canvassing the party for something to help I just wanted to see if there was an open mic I just wanted to run some new stuff I have a new chunk about people who crate their dogs

there's a mic on Tuesday unfortunately oh god damn it is this like a book showcase sorry I'm going to take my amp back out to the car you do find a very sketchy looking wizard from asking around he's in the corner

and he has a few potions that you guys could buy cool is that the first time I've bought potions at a bar what kind of potions uh he has two usually molly's oh huh yes disability potion they cost a platinum each oh that's a lot of records it's uh you need to have had a platinum record and give him like the mounted framed record with a little plaque under it i record and give him the mounted, framed record with the little plaque under it.

I'm going to give him only the lonely and in the ghetto. That is a lot of gold. I'll reach inside my vest and pull out two platinum pieces and hold them up and say, we expect this to be discreet. He nods. Where do you get platinum from? As you pull them out, they disappear from your hand.

Oh, you're so scary. But then he, analog style, takes out of the pouch two invisibility potions and places them. Kind of kills it when you just have to use your hands at the end. Stares at you for a while when you do that. I would like to buy some visibility potions.

Just be like a can of paint. Yeah, he's got some primer. Oh, good. Okay. All right, so you have two invisibility potions, but that's about the most you can get out of this bar. Mostly it's just dwarves.

You feel like maybe you could have bought some weapons, but I think you guys are actually pretty well armored and have magical weapons, that is, and don't really require what they have, which is just like basic clubs and hammers and stuff like that. About as set as you're going to get from the bar. Shall you approach this goblin bank? Oh, can we have a training montage first for the heist?

Oh, of course. Can this wizard identify anything for us? Survivor starts playing. What's that? Can the wizard identify anything for us real quick? An eyebrow raises. Why don't you do a persuasion check to see if this wizard you kind of

snarked at would like to help you identify something. I feel like we're doing an appropriate amount of bureaucracy. 16. He says he has enough spells on his mind at the moment where he could identify three things for you. I only want to do one thing if anybody else has something.

These guys have old stuff, Kevin, so I think what they're doing is taking advantage of something I've suggested at some point, which is figuring out what some of the mysterious items are that they've won. This is treasure from other episodes. I want to identify a necklace with seven beads taken

from the zombie mind flayer. All right. Those beads are fireball level three. Well, what are the green potions that Bodhi has? Can you imagine pulling that necklace out? How many do you have in your butt real fast? I couldn't say, but I don't think I used them. Those are...

He's had them a while. Those are acid vials. So you can use an action to splash the contents on your creature. It'll shatter on impact, and it does 2d6 acid damage. Okay. I just have written down folded black wings yeah what does that mean it's a danzig song from 19 uh for his third identifying with the sitar uh he tells you those are wings of flying and so i'll give you the just the verbal you might want to write this down and i can you know text everyone have those i just wrote it down. I think cause we got,

I have six healing potions. I must've just written down everything. That was the last one. So much of this, the group treasure is, it really is like if you can treasure, yeah. Aren't all wings,

wings of flying. So this is, it's a Buffalo wild wing. While, while, uh, attuned to it, you fly to the,

and I'll say you can, you can, you know, spend some time attuning to it automatically. Cause it's a bonus episode and it's only more fun if i do this we would have said you could do uh it could be a cloak it turns into a pair of bat wings or bird wings your choice on your back for one hour or until you repeat the command word as an action the wings give you a flying speed of 60 whoa hey volume went up and down uh the wings give you a flying speed of 60 feet. When they disappear, you can't use them again for a few hours.

How long? One hour. She has to roll a 12-sided dice. That's crazy cool. Bat wings? We have those. I have that, too. It's group driving.

It's one thing that we all have. Oh, OK. Multiple people wrote it down because it was at the end of an episode. We'll just hang on to it. What about my velociraptor's claw? Unfortunately, he now tells you it's time to pay him

another 100 gold per spell and he does not have any other spells on his mind to identify things. Okay. Okay. Do we have a bunch more stuff?

We have 300 and... I'm saying no. Do we have more stuff to identify? He can't identify anything else. Oh, he can't. He's out. Okay, so I'll take it. Guys, that was our entire... Thanks for nothing, fuckface.

What? No, I'm kidding. It was very nice of you. He helped us. It's pronounced fuckfotchy. If Brian's character, Kevin, doesn't fight for like a solid 15 minutes, he becomes openly hostile waiting for the next thing to happen. You guys are new here. I come to this bar, so can we...

That's all right. I have to see these people again. You're making some sort of reference to the petty cash fund. Are you low on money now? Well, I... Maybe you are. I don't know. I'll pay that.

How much was it? It was $300. I'll pay. Okay. Where is all your money coming from? Don't worry about it. Wait, do you guys know already? And I don't know? No, no. Where is all your money coming from? Don't worry about it. Wait, do you guys know already? And I don't know?

No, no. Nobody knows where my money comes from. I mean, I know where my money comes from. When a wallet and a purse love each other very much. In a prior life, I led a life of leisure in the court of a king. Oh, my goodness. A crit. So you're just going on these adventures just for fun to find your dead wife?

No, it's not fun now. Sarah, I texted you a link to Wings of Flying if you need references. Oh, okay, thank you. I fly out of the room. And now, the solo adventures of Grima. There's a bunch of people just in Austin waiting for her to fly out from under the bridge. Here she goes! All right, well now that the main cast has had their their their moment to catch up on previous episodes we should really have kevnard lead you to the bank lead us kevnard you um well uh i'm

thinking that we should leave this bar separately i'm just gonna mosey back over to the jukebox which is just a guy with a tambourine. Wait, would it be better for us to lead you out of the bar at knife point, though? Oh, restarting it now? Since they already saw us together. I'm open to suggestions. Hey, why don't we throw a blanket over his head

and then just all sort of walk out of the bar looking around weird and then shove him into the Uber? Well, the thing is, if we do that and i mean what if everybody in this bar like is alerted and and tries to come after you and even worse than that what if everyone in this bar sees me kidnapped and does nothing that would be that would be terrible oh to your precious ego of course yeah that's gotta be a tough then let's go ahead and sneak out

to your precious ego, of course. That's got to be a tough one. Then let's go ahead and sneak out. I'll go out first. I'm going to sneak out, and I'll meet you guys outside. Do a stealth check for me, Kevnard. Me? Yeah, roll a 20-sided dice and add your stealth modifier, which is filed under S down there.

Of course. Where do you get to the stealth? Tell our listeners, please. Plus 4 stealth. I'm quite stealthy. For a giant Minotaur. For a Minotaur, you know. Yet I was still always picked last in gym. Here we go. Oh.

Ooh, that's not great. I've rolled a four. So plus four. So that's an eight. That's your bonus. So on his tiptoes, the Minotaur clomps loudly on his his hooves out of the bar and everybody notices right he attempts to be sneaky but unfortunately the floor is marble and i just makes kind of can i sort of change it up and try to act like i'm sort of falling because i'm drunk sort of you know

clomping uh whoa yeah that was. Do a deception check now. From Hee Haw, isn't it? I have no special deception skill. Yeah, you're plus zero to deception. Alright, so a few of the bar patrons are like, look at this guy. So they buy it.

This guy from the neck down, the bull from the neck up. So while Grima attunes herself to the wings of flying, you guys take a break? I thought we had decided who was going to do it. Okay. We haven't decided. Oh, does someone have to pick?

Someone's got to pick because it's going to become their thing. You should do it because I think I already have flying levitation. There's no reason it should be me. Let's do a draw straws for it. That's the only fair way, I think. Well, if it's the a draw straws for it. That's only a fair way, I think. Well, if it's the three of you who want it,

it's pretty easy to roll a six-sided dice and just say. The paperwork that we're doing on this episode is really dull. One, two. I apologize to everyone

who's listening. Three, four, five, six. Someone roll a six-sided. I'm going to do my taxes for the next 25 minutes. I have a three-sided dice. This would be the perfect time for that.

That's Sarah. You win the dice roll. You rolled a six-sided and I said five and six is you, so time for that. That's Sarah. You win the dice roll. You roll the six-sided, and I said five and six is you, so you get it. Oh, okay. Well. Drew Strauss and agreement wins. What shall be shall be. Are you going to pick bat wings

or bird wings? Definitely bird. I don't like bats, so birds. Fair. And so you just need to decide how you're going to meet up and enter the main doors. The main doors are between that Spriggan and that Quaggoth, the two creatures there. If we want these people to believe that we are taking him hostage, you have to be all over him. Right.

If it's me holding him, they're going to be like, and we're wanting them to buy that he is a hostage. So he can't be mind controlled. He has to be like, I don't wanna do this, help me, help me. Yeah, right. All over him. Yeah, so meaning like Bodhi has to have like a blade to his neck and because you're another strong person, you might need to be kind of on him as well.

Yeah, I mean, he's a minotaur, so I could have a blade to like his butt, I guess, as we're walking behind. I think you should be the boss, and I think that leaves you and me to kind of check corners and do that kind of stuff. Okay. So by the boss, do you mean like boss baby?

So someone's pushing Kevnard through the front doors? Yeah, and I'll do a fake restraint on his arms. Do you want to rehearse it? Oh, no. No, well, we're doing it right now, aren't we? Yeah, yeah. All right, I'm going to need... So is it just Bodhi and Kevnard going in,

or is anyone going in invisible first? Yeah, like, are you... I don't... Yeah, what's your plan? Let's go over the plan. Yeah, I don't... I think everybody needs to drop bits for a second and tell our listeners exactly what they're planning to do

through the front doors. If you go through the front doors with him held hostage, they're just going to attack you? Well, this is your idea. Yeah, what do you. My idea? Yeah, it is. How do you think this is going to go?

I've worked at this bank for years. Trust me, this will work. So one thing you could do, Kevin. So what's the first thing that's going to gonna happen let me take some pressure off of our guest kevin to magic up the narrative here and tell you that you would i think no you could go in there and just pretend you're like making one last plea for your paycheck okay and it doesn't say go well you're there to pick up some of your old stuff that never got sent to you in a cardboard box but while i'm being kidnapped no and then have them show up oh and use you in a cardboard box. But while I'm being kidnapped? No, and then have them show up.

Oh, yes. And use you as a hostage. Yes, I left. Yeah, I'm there to clean out my desk. So you could be there just like talk to one of the other admin folks. Now, you did work it out. You were assistant to one of the bank managers, you were assistant bank manager for the guy who worked in this office.

Yes, Stephen. So you know you could probably get Steven to open one or more of these doors. You could get into Steven's office. And you could ask Steven to come out and meet you guys. Yeah. Wait, to meet them?

To meet you. But at some point these guys can start holding you hostage. I don't think I can get into Steven's office, but I can ask one of these guys to. Here's Stephen, by the way, if you can put Stephen. Oh, yeah. And what if this? What if we use our invisibility potions

and have a couple of us already in there when he's doing this? So then let's say Stephen's door gets kicked open. Yeah. I was about to say I have invisibility. I also have gaseous form. And I also have a dimension door just in case shit gets up close wow so why don't i just go in and get everything and i'll meet you guys at friendlies great plan perfect great all right i'm at friendlies are you gonna go in yeah i'm gonna

go in solo so put your little man in the bank I gaseous form up and try to like... He's actually bigger than the other guys. He's around. He is. But so are you. What if we save gaseous form for maybe when doors are locked? Right now, I think invisibility is only going to work in this first room because once people know we're there, invisibility is not as much of our friend.

Yeah, okay. Right? Okay. I think room one is we could have one. If you're going to be the grabber, you're the hardest. Who's the worst stealth wise to get in? Maybe Grima. I was going to try to knock one of them unconscious.

I was going to try to knock them unconscious and then grapple them to the ground. That's my plan. So you should be invisible so you can get a sneak attack, right? No, I'll just sneak up behind him. Invisible? No, look, you guys are going to go in. He's going to ask Steven to come out or whatever, so then they're here. Then I'm just going to come in the front doors, and then I'm just going to take him down.

Great. This guy, this small guy. That's my plan. Don't hurt him, though. Right, no, I'm going to knock him unconscious. Okay, I'll take the small guy that's my plan don't hurt him though right no i'm gonna knock him unconscious okay i'll take the big guy do you want to drink an invisible potion so you can get the jump on him oh that's what i mean like he can walk in and it can look like it's just him walking in sure yeah that's great yeah so that's what he i want to waste an invisibility

kevin you go in great i sometimes drink invisibility potions because I like the taste. What? Kevinard, you head in solo first. I think they taste like soap. What would you like to do? Would you like to try to... A certain percentage of people think invisibility potions

taste like... I can tell if there's invisibility in my burrito. It's a genetic thing. Some people, invisibility potions taste like soap. Cilantro.

Oh. Now, so which one is Yanny and which one is Laurel? Slowly remove several traps from the bank in order to have time to get to the vault. All right. The minotaur named Kevnar, the accountable, walks into the bank. Now, you know you need to get Stephen's attention before these guys come in, but you know he's locked up in his office.

Look, I know I drew this map. Yeah, yeah. And each of these desks, those are desks, and there's a goblin at each one that talks to people and arranges for money. And the one you're most friendly with is this guy. His name is Glubbins.

So you can go up to Glubbins and ask him to go get steven yeah okay that's what i'm gonna do i'm logging up to glubbins do a persuasion check wait there's a bunch of people in here that are not on the board yeah they're civilians and like can we like pretend that i showed these guys does not work if i don't know that there's people in here. Again, there are going to be people in there who will see it, but you don't know. Yeah, there's... Well, you understand my confusion. It looked so empty, like a foyer of some kind. I apologize.

I did not bring a full army of miniatures today. I feel like I can try to... Well, I'm pocketed to the plan. I go in, and I'm ready to grapple. Okay. It's just a small local bank. It's like a credit union. Okay, so you're going to get Steven out, and then we're doing this. Next time I make a small local bank. It's like a credit union. Okay, so you're going to get Steven out, and then we're doing this.

Next time I make a goblin bank, I'm buying an army of goblin miniatures. This will be so much more clear. Did everybody see the map? Yeah. Okay, got it. Okay, we got to go, guys. We got to do this. All right, so I walk over to Gobel.

Gobel? Glubbins. Charlie Gobel. Glubbins. Charlie Gobel. Glubbins. Oh, I have to do this persuasion check. Because he looks up at you and he kind of sneers at you. I'm pretty good with this. None of these guys, these goblins are armed.

Oh, boy. What's your persuasion bonus? Sorry, they're my dice. Plus four. Okay. So. You know, he kind of makes a face and he says i don't think you should be here it's so typical um okay so i'm just gonna i mean can i reason with him without using a i or i guess that's you can try but i mean if you do another persuasion

the difficulty is going to go up. Yeah. And if you can try another tactic like intimidation to scare him. I would never do that. Your intimidation bonus is also pretty good. I do have a pretty good intimidation bonus. I can't believe it's come to this so soon. Here we go.

So what are you going to do? You're going to threaten him? Yeah. What are you going to say? I'm going to say, look, I was fired. I don't want any problems, but I need to speak to my old boss, and I really can't have you in my way. Okay, so roll that intimidation.

Strong words like that. Roll intimidation. And I rolled a 14 plus 4. That's a good roll. He's never seen me like this. No, and this makes sense. He sees the vein kind of appear in your forehead and start throbbing. And the little ring in your nose kind of starts flapping around.

And so he backs slowly away and goes into Stephen's office and disappears for a few minutes. Now is it time for us to come in? Yeah. We think it probably is, right? We didn't have a system. We gotta wait for Stephen to come out. It's up to you.

We didn't have a signal though, so I assume that we probably just said we're coming in after. Oh, we should have come up with a signal. Wait, we didn't. Okay, I sneak in. Yeah, I will walk in behind her pretending to be. Is anybody invisible?

I am not. You have that as an option. Somebody was, right? Weren't you gonna be? Yeah. Yeah, Brian's invisible. So one invisibility potion is down. You're invisible.

I'm going to try to sneak behind this small guy. Okay. Do a stealth check, please. I mean, the bank is open to the public. You guys could just come in. No one knows. I come in, but then I'm going to try to sneak around. She's going to try to subdue him before he can.

You haven't met us. A stealth check, you said? Uh-huh. How does a 21 sound? So without him noticing a thing, you just glide right behind him and you get him in a sleeper hold? Yes, I would like to take it down.

He's going to contest that with a strength check. So you're both going to roll a 20-sided dice and whoever gets the higher check wins. As soon as you get him, you're like, oh, I'm so much tougher than this guy. He rolls a two. So did I. I have a plus three. He has a minus one. As soon as you get him, you're like, oh, I'm so much tougher than this guy. He rolls a two. So did I.

I have a plus three. He has a minus one. Okay. You win. Jeez Louise. Night, night. So he's holding a crossbow, but he's a very slim kind of fey looking guy. And as soon as you get him, he goes, and he's limping your arms within seconds. I wink at the Minotaur, and I'm like, he's just sleeping.

So you can go ahead and just tip him over for me for now. This guy? Yeah, just so we know he's like limp in your arms within seconds. I wink at the Minotaur and I'm like, he's just sleeping. So you can go ahead and just tip him over for me for now. This guy? Yeah, just so we know he's out of play. Oh, it's my first day. However, when you do that, the Quaggoth across from him, this big hyena looking dude just kind of like, he's like flares his nostrils at you and starts like pounding an axe. But I'm right behind that guy already.

Okay, you're going to need to do a stealth checks even though you're invisible you get to do it on the head yeah so roll twice and take the higher number brian for your stealth very limited space in here so you still gotta without making a suspicious noise slide through the door get behind behind him. 17 plus two. Boom. All right. You're behind him and you get an arm around him. You're going to sleep or hold this guy.

Yeah. So strength check for Bodhi versus the choir gods, please. I'm not totally comfortable with this. He rolled a six plus four. You just said don't kill anybody. I know, but this is. I rolled an 11 plus seven.

He also goes out. Fargo. You tipped him over. Both the guys. Try to get somebody kidnapped and turn into a murderer. Go out. And I'm going to say because you did it so stealthily, it doesn't pop your invisibility.

Nice. So he just starts gagging Grima, and you just see him drop to the ground. It goes perfectly according to the almost plan that you had. And the other three goblins freak the fuck out. I'm going to ask Grima, because he helped you

roll with advantage, intimidation on those three goblins to see what happens with them. What three goblins? If you look at the map, there's four desks. Okay, I know what I'm going to say to them. Oh shit, okay. And there's a goblin at each one. Okay. Is there like a closet or anything in here?

Two of them are eating lunch. There's Steven's office. No, but there's Steven's office and there's another office behind another door. There could be like a silent alarm in there, though. Oh, God darn it. Well. What'd you roll? Was I rolling an intimidation?

With advantage. Oh, with advantage. Uh-huh. Because invisible Bodhi freaked everybody out. God damn it. Terrible roll. No, better. Better.

That's a nine. Okay. Well, the other three are like frozen and freaked out, but they're not running or crying out or anything like that. I make my eyes look as crazy as possible and I go like, shh. Because they know what you want. Bodhi, what do you think you're doing stealthily run over and duck duck goose just smack their heads and and put them to sleep let's do roll three dice and those are going to be three stealth rolls sorry kevnard i'm i'm

running behind you catching each one what's your stealth bonus injure them what's your stealth bonus uh two cool do me a favor to make this quick roll two other 20s with that so it's What's your stealth bonus? What's your stealth bonus? Two Do me a favor to make this quick, roll two other 20s with that So it's Do you need these? Here, borrow my dice Blackie and I are smoking cigarettes in front of the bank We're just literally just standing there

Get in here A 15, a 10, and a 14 Boom, that's enough for these civilians I don't want them to hit their head on the desk or anything. Now do three strength checks to bop these guys and if you roll a critical, they die.

What? And if you roll under an 8, they stay conscious. But that's with your bonus. So what's your strength bonus? 7. 7. So 11. but that's with your bonus so what's your strength bonus uh seven okay so 11 so no botches did you get any botches uh over 20 yeah no but if you natural 20 natural 20 oh no so no yeah no botches you pull a punch enough that all three of them go down but you you didn't botch any? No. Okay. And none of them die? No.

And they all go unconscious? Yes. Great. Worst secret Santa ever. That could have gone terribly. Blackie and I walk in and I go, I really like English Settlement, but then there's also Black Sea. There's a lot of ways to go. You guys are outside?

Is that right? I think Drums and Wires, Black Sea, English Settlement. Those are the only three that you really need. Vernon and Blackie, are you still outside? No, we just walked in the front door. Okay, can you put your minis in if you're in play at this point? You too, Bodie? I know you're invisible, but can you throw your mini up there

so we get a sense of you? Anyway, I think that after Terry went to Australia, I think he was doing some shows with Colin. What are the Laker game things that they're saying when they walk in and die hard? They're talking about... Where's Bodie's mini? I'm doing this for Brian because he didn't hear me do it.

So-and-so passes to him and then blam. Yeah, yeah, yeah. All right. Worthy. Y'all come in. Yes. Yeah, one of the best. Everything's going so well, you guys.

And then Glubbins comes in with Steven. Right. Glubbins! Yeah, Steven. Right. Goblins! Yeah, Steven! And now a short play by Blaine Capac. You guys see this fiery dwarf

come in. It's magic. It's magic and worthy. He looks around and he sees there are three downed goblins, two unconscious guards. He looks, sees how outnumbered he is and he makes a run for this door.

Wait, is Steven a good, do you like him or no? No, he's his old boss. He's the guy who laid him off. And I'm right there? Uh-huh. I grab him. Do a athletics check, please.

Don't go crazy. All he heard't go crazy. All he heard was go crazy. 16 plus 7. Yeah, you just fucking scoop around him. Unfortunately, he's very tough. So you've got him,

but he starts yanking against you immediately. What do you want to do? Bop him. You feel like if you bop this guy, he's not going to instantly go unconscious. It's going to get violent. I'll cast hold person on him. Okay.

Can you tell the listeners what hold person does? Sure. A humanoid I see within range Must make a wisdom saving throw It must be to 17 or be paralyzed For up to one minute Plus one to wisdom and he rolls a 14 What's your spell save? 17 I wish I knew that you had that before we got in here

That would have been helpful Oh I have a few things, well we were just going so quickly And you wanted to get behind him And he's like paralyzed in your arms Good, okay He just died in your arms tonight. Must have been something you ate. Hey, why don't we move everybody into Stephen's office?

We've got a minute. The door is open, and you can... That door is open? ...to Stephen's office. He didn't get as far as the magically sealed door. We need someone to unseal that door, remember? But if you want, you can drop Stephen, the guards, and the goblins

all in Stephen's office. Okay, let's do it. Should we try to get one? Is there like a fingerprint scanner on the door or something? We could use one of their faces, like open their eyeball. Stephen and Glubbins can tell us about that.

How do we, what do we, yeah. So Glubbins is the only guy who is currently conscious or functional. How long does hold person last? A minute. So I'm going to say, so we got a- Glubbins gets the only guy who is currently conscious or functional. How long does hold person last? A minute. So I'm going to say, so we got to bind. Glubbins going to screw the door?

So I'm going to bind him. You can ask him. Glubbins, open that door. Roll a intimidation check with advantage. Aren't these bodies enough intimidation? Someone else should have done this, but it's too late now. Well, you said it, and narratively, it's just the most fun if I pin it to you. 17.

He gulps and says, Yeah, I don't really know the spell, but there's a scroll in Steven's desk. Okay. Glimpsed that in there anyway. So you go in there. Time's ticking by really fast. Insight check. Move fast.

I'm tying Steven up. Agreement really fast insight check insight check uh i'm tying steven up i agree to roll an insight check please tying steven up noted i rolled a four and i have a negative one to my insight so i think it's probably true all right so you go to the desk and uh yeah there's a desk there okay it's got drawers somebody else open this is a check for traps just don't press the button that's the alarm uh verdon do an investigation check please an investigation check you say i do say thank you for my diaperson i'm bringing all the bodies in this is bad we got we got that already five okay you rolled a five i did. You don't have to laugh.

Desk looks fine to Verdunfell. Anyone else want to check the desk out? Hey, I'm going to be the last guy in the room. What's going on in this room out here? Right now it's cleaned out. They've dumped all the bodies in Stephen's office. Stephen's tied up. We have to open this door,

and this guy told us that there's a scroll in the desk that will do it. I'm going to do a thing where I hold my elf hand up to my elf ear and see if I can hear anything coming or any... Do a perception check. 23. Extremely quiet. Almost magically quiet. Almost magically quiet. Almost magically quiet?

Huh. It's also a cave. Stone walls. No sounds coming from outside. 52 degrees. Nothing coming from the other door. Somebody's got to open this desk. I forgot to mention,

isn't there other stuff in Stephen's office? Cool stuff? Yes. There is a small safe in the corner. And some sharper image like dartboards. And as you all walk in the office and contemplate how to proceed, we're

going to go ahead and pause this first bonus episode. Hey, Sam. Hi. What do you think happened on our first bonus episode of January? I'd be happy to tell you. Thank God. We're robbing a goblin bank. Anytime someone propositions us, it's always happened on our first bonus episode of January? I'd be happy to tell you. Thank God. We're robbing a goblin bank.

Anytime someone propositions us, it's always awesome. Grima's being just such a brute. We're stocking up on potions and dwarves. This should go smooth. We're so good at being discreet. We're drawing straws, which is exciting. I haven't been this excited since we picked a new flag. We put one guard to sleep gently,

a delicate touch for us. And Bodie choked someone out, a more familiar touch for us. Yay. Thanks, Sam. And thank you, Kevin.

Yeah. Thanks for coming. Yeah. You'll be in our next episode. How can people find out about your stuff? Should they follow you on Instagram, Twitter? Do you prefer Instagram?

I like them both for different reasons. I love them both the same. How many S's are in your name? That's a trick question. There are three in total. One N. How many Q's? Are we talking first and last?

No. Then one. I feel like we'll make this easy for folks and this has gotten both fun and confusing for me so on that note thanks so much everybody thanks for listening hey everybody i'm brian posain and you're listening to brian posain's nerd poker uh it's our second uh bonus episode for jan January. My friends are here. Hello. Hello, Brian.

Chris. Hi. Sarah. Hey. Dan. Hey. Blaine. Hey.

We're down 10 again, but at the end of the table, as always, Sam. Hi, everyone. Hello, Sam. And our bonus guest this week or this month for two episodes here he is again Kevin Sussman thanks Kevin hello

thanks for joining us man thank you for having me alright enough let's get into the math questions I like the way you worded that Brian are there any listeners this is mostly a vanity project Enough. Let's get into the math questions. I like the way you worded that, Brian. Are there any listeners? No, this is mostly a vanity project. Please thank the few people that enjoy us. I will think this will be the final round of folks,

and we're going to start back up soon with everybody at this tier on Patreon. Thank you very much to the people who support us on Patreon, like Hosein Clown Posse. Thank you. Thank you, Gwilym. Thank you, Gwilym. Thank you, Quasidano.

Thanks, Quasidano. Thank you, Please Play Betrayal at Baldur's Gate. Request. That's an idea. Sure is. Thank you, Dr. Uwud's mossy grundle. Thank Dr. Uwud's character in the main campaign, Kevin. You know what a mossy grundle is, I hope.

Thank you, Sean. I hope you don't. Thank you, Sean Dixon. Thank you, Stretch Armstrong's savaged scrote. Oh, yeah. Thank you. Thank you, Daniel Domingo. It's full of that red stuff.

Thank you, Bixie Tinker Tonk. Thank you, Ted Glinka, a.k.a. Ted Triss. Thank you, Lawrence Medina. Thank you, Arc Blast. Thank you, Paquito Torpedo. Thank you, Ziggy Keelmeister. Thank you, Salacious Grimlock. Thank you, Big Angry.

Thank you, Dorian. You're coming so fast, I can't even... Well, you're fucking all right slow down you move too fast i'm trying to make this moment last thank you dorian ericose thank you katie campbell thank you elisa nerd with a umlaut over the end thank you aeroland thank you rando card card oh Rando Card... Oh, boy. Thank you, Rando Cardrician. Thank you, Slarg. Thank you, Justin Fels. And thank you, Stéphane Vienno.

Thanks, you guys. I just got to get to everybody. That's the only reason I'm Russian, not because I don't love you. All right, you guys. We are mid-heist. You guys have done an impressive job of not murdering anybody so far.

Yeah. For us, it's pretty impressive. Let me get these sleeves up. We'll post some photos of what the bank looks like for Patreons, and hopefully you'll enjoy the layout a little bit that way. You'll kind of be able to look at it. We'll take a photo of the map, too. That'll probably be the most vanilla way to process the information.

But there's a couple of offices. You went in one and dropped a bunch of bodies. There's still one you haven't opened yet. You're kind of using right now as a staging ground the main lobby and Stephen's office. Stephen the Dwarf, named, of course. Stephen Dwarf. By our guest, a minotaur who used to work at the bank

but was laid off. Kevnard the Minotaur. Pardon me while I blaze through the exposition. Ever since Stephen Dorff stopped smoking, he's You know what he's great on? Golf. Maybe we need to turn the heat on Stephen

to get these doors open. Right now he is locked up. He's in a hold person. I've tied him, I'm assuming, to a chair. Yeah, so he can talk when he's being held? I just spilled all over myself. Oh no. I can also

release the spill. A minute has gone by. So he is no longer held person. I'm going to need Bodhi to do a survival check for him. This is to tie the rope. 17. Pretty good rope around him, but he's tough.

He's a stout dwarf. He feels like he's going to break out of these ropes eventually if given the opportunity. So I will probably behind the scenes be rolling dice in order to give him chances to do so he's already wriggling right away you're going to ask him if he can unlock that door that uh glubbins was telling me the scroll you're gonna ask about the scroll what what exactly is the question you're asking him who's even open this door we're gonna kill this minotaur so you're grabbing at this point Kevnard and making him the hostage as was the plan.

I got to like scramble up onto his back to put a knife to his throat. Bodhi, at this point, the invisibility wears off. Okay. You're visible. I believe that does still leave you with a potion though that you haven't used. Yes.

You grab him. You said? Yeah. And- The Minotaur yeah okay me

yeah yes you on my back I'm in an agreement to do a deception check okay and I'll let you roll with advantage because you've got

a crew this is what we trained for 16 he he's like I don't think you're really gonna 16. He's like, I don't think you're really gonna hurt him, but I mean, also, he doesn't work here anymore.

You want his blood on your hands? Jesus, Stephen. This slouch. He did nothing but trick us. Yeah, go ahead. But do I deserve to die? Also, you're hurting my back. I nick him lately with the... I'll let you roll deception with advantage again.

And then roll a six-sided. Don't roll a 20. This is deception. 15. All right, and then roll a six-sided. Sorry. Six. All right, so then roll six-sided. Sorry. Six. All right, so you take six points of damage.

What? Kevnard, please mark that on your points. This has gotten out of control. Wait a minute. First of all, get off my back. No, I can't do that. You gotta listen to... I'm taking you hostage.

Shut your mouth, cow man. Right? We got to. Yeah. Yeah. We're getting tired of your bull talk. Right? It's a little easier because you caused a wound to appear on Kevnard.

Yeah. And at this point he kind of blinks and he says, all right, take me to the door. Yeah, I'll take you to the door. So you haul Steven. Well, I guess I don't because I'm on Kevnard, who apparently is already abandoning our plan. I do. I didn't know that there'd be blood involved,

especially mine. This is not. Too bad you only have 77 hit points. Just think of your Christmas bonus, Kevnard. Yeah, we're here for you. Okay. So you drag him to the door. He says, untie me.

No. You need to untie me to get this door open. We know what happens, right? I put a bandaid on him and pat him so he feels better. All right, do a medicine check. Me? No, Grima. Just stealthily grima she's just stealthily though yeah still 20 boom you feel so much better she manages to rub some herbs on that little bandage and you hear the whisper uh all right just you know with a 20 roll another 1d6 roll another one d6 that was

very like sad yelp you did there she does with the herbs manage to heal you for one of those hit points that were taken off but it's I mean it's basic herbs it doesn't really do a lot Brian you're itching to say something I'm gonna fire up Harold of Kalmar okay

and then I'm gonna well I'm gonna take this guy yeah Steven I'm going to... Well, I'm going to take this guy... This is a flaming sword. Yeah, it's Steven. I'm going to intimidate him so we can free him so he can open his hands, but I'm going to put Kelmar in front of him. So you do free him. Like I will stab his face with a fire sword.

But you do untie him. Yes. Wait, you're stabbing his face with a fire sword? No, I'm warning him that if he fucks up, he's going to... Intimidation with advantage as you untie him. All right. And hold the Herald of Kelmar, the flaming sword, up to his neck. Do you want to do a practice run with the flaming sword?

No. Do that. I'm used to it. You really love rehearsal time, huh? I just don't want anything to go wrong. Got to know where the road is before you go off-road. That's a good class. 20.

So I'll take that one. Great. And so he gulps. He nods very slowly, reaches into a pouch on his belt. He takes out a handful of ash, rubs it on his hand. He draws a symbol on the door. And you hear a click on the door. Cool.

So go forward with him and whoever's with us. But everybody's tied up in that room, right? Is there a key to that door? The second door? No, the key to this. Can we lock these people, those bodies in that? Do a perception check. 20. Yeah, you see a ring of keys on Stephen's belt.

I'll take the ring of keys off of him. Is there anything else in his office we need? There's that safe that we discussed. Oh yeah, there's a safe in his office. Tell him to open the safe. Or is he already gone? He's at the door. Stephen, right now you've got...

Here, I'm sorry. You've got Stephen right here. Is it a combination safe? No, it is a magic safe. So we should keep going, right? Yeah, right now we'll keep going. Maybe we'll head it on the way out if there's time. So you're all going to escort him

down the hallway to the next door? Can I lock that door? Lock Stephen's office? Who's being left in there? Everybody but Stephen? The unconscious guards and goblins. Yes. Should we take him back and goblins. Yes. Okay, body pile in. Should we take them back and go do this before we go? It feels...

I think we want to get to the vault, right? Okay, cool. Right now, you're not sure how to get to the next door. And this is farther than you've ever been in the bank. You were never allowed in the vault itself. What? I was passed up over for a promotion. I would know this.

Some inside man. You've seen this door open many times, but you've never seen what's beyond the second door. You've only got this map from basic HR kind of meetings. All right, so we can go. What's in the second door? What's in the hallway? Oh, I'm going to go back to the the front door and i'm going to close it

and i'm going to flip the sign over that says close okay why are you doing the doorway oh yeah brian what are you doing i was getting i thought we're brian's redoing the map what do you think we were doing i thought we were going through that second door well you you're approaching it but but in Dungeons & Dragons, usually a door has a matter of difficulty attached to it. It's not something you can simply reach over. You're a very silly person. You walk up to it, and there's a magically floating candle

on either side of it that appears to have a glowing red light coming off of each of them. It is lighting this passage, which is smooth white marble. The door has no hinges or knobs on it. There is simply a panel-sized white marble door between two floating red candles. Okay. Sounds delicious.

Stephen says, I need the other manager to open this one. How do you know where is the other manager? He's in his office. Where? It's over here. It's across from Steven's office. And what is that manager's name, Kevin? Steven and who's the other manager?

Ethel. Ethel? Okay, I'll do it. You'll go knock on Ethel's door? Yeah. Okay. Hello? Ethel's door yeah hello Ethel yeah hey

can we see you in the back for a second who's this it's me I'm from the main office we need to see everybody do a deception check blacky green let me see 18 black and green. 18.

Alright, so the door opens. There is a strange demon-like figure with a metal mask, almost a strange child-like mask, and she's very imposing. It's Ethel. And she's imposing how? Size-wise? She's a little bigger than a dwarf,

but she looks like she's maybe from another plane of existence, and she's got a hallbird attached to her back. Okay. I'm just going to... Long, flowing cape. I'm just going to go, come on, we've got to move it. Everybody back here.

No time to lose. Okay. You take her, and she realizes there is a heist very quickly there's no way around it deception wise unless you want to make a pitch for what's happening and roll with disadvantage i need to say blacky green she starts looking around and she looks at you and narrows her eyes as you get to the first door steven needs your steven needs your key needs Needs it right now. I cast blindness on her. Okay. Tell us how blindness...

But we need her to... No, he casts blindness on her. It only lasts for a minute. Relax. You relax. This is the middle of a high-tension heist. My nerves are shot. She has to make a constitution saving throw.

She has to beat a 17. I'll tell you who needs to make a constitution saving throw. She has to beat a 17. I'll tell you who needs to make a constitution saving throw. It's the House of Representatives. I think we've had enough of their shenanigans. She botches. Great. That worked better last week. Ethel comes up before World War III started.

She shrieks as she goes blind. We should grab her. Graham, you want to help me grab her? I mean, you got, this is your idea. Steven looks over and had very wide eyed at the shrieking blinded Ethel. I say, Ethel, Ethel, we're doing a security check. You're failing.

I'm marking you down already in three categories. I'm blind. Relax. This is part of it. Dear God. This is part of it. Oh no. It's okay, we'll give you a bath

and some tomato juice. Persuasion check with disadvantage green. Oh, wait. That's a skunk blast. With disadvantage? To get her to calm down. Yeah.

As I'm saying this around, I'm saying, this is part of the security check. We need to see that you can still open the door while you're blinded. Okay. Okay.

Well, it doesn't matter if I roll again because it was very low yeah uh it was a five she pauses and thinks about what you said i mean it made a lot of sense screaming somebody else repeat what i said because it was a little bit sense she drops to her knees and starts feeling for that hallbird on her back don't worry ethel this is an eye bank i take the hallbird away from her uh do a strength check and she's going to contest it is this how you saw it going Verdon 15

she rolls a 21 so I win so she gets it just like rips it out of your hands and holds it in position I'm just trying to subdue her. I don't have any other good things.

Verdon. I feel like this is escalating. What's your AC, Verdon? 15. So she swings and misses. Cool. Ethel, we have Kevnard. Ethel. Ethel, it's Kevnard.

Kevnard. Kevnard the accountable I remember you I'm so sorry Thank you Ethel Please calm down we'll survive this These people Have assured me that no one will be hurt As long as we just

Do what they say How do I draw the cliff when they've blinded me For what seems like no reason whatsoever? Now you know we mean business, woman. Ethel, listen to me. We'll get through this. Your vision comes back in

ten, nine... We should take the halberd away from her first. How long does blindness last? Just a minute. It fades away and she starts blinking. You want to rip the halberd? Yes. Do another strength check. I'm not going to do Ben before.

Oh, it's the same thing. 15. She rolled an 18. God damn it. Get to that door, Ethel. And she swings it at you with a 15. That's a hit. Okay.

You take 14 points of slashing damage as it rakes across your chest. Ethel! He's trying to rob us! Ethel, they assured me that nobody would be hurt. Please, put down your

halberd. Halberd? Do a persuasion check. Me? Yes. And you know that you roll with advantage because you and Ethel have... One more time. One more time. I rolled a one. Yeah, but with all that

build up, I feel like, storytelling-wise, I owe you a second roll. An 18. Plus what? Oh. Plus four. Jeezez she breathes deep oh my god i'm remembering the guided meditation i'm starting to calm down set my emotions aside she uh she also drinks drink water every time oh my god halt right hydrate just stay hydrated anger Anger? Loneliness? Meditate and hydrate, and in a week, you won't even recognize yourself. She breathes, and with Steven, they both draw in ash glyphs on the door, and the white marble door pops open.

Okay, bop them. Conk. Conk. Do two strength rolls, please. Okay, now we're going to decapitate them and peel them. And eat them like grapes, right, Kevnard? You want no botches, no crits. No botches, no crits.

All right. No botches, no crits. No botches, no crits? Yeah, what'd you get? I got both. What? A botch and a crit? A botch and a crit.

Oh, my God. Which should you get first? I rolled a one out of 20. I don't like to say one of the twenty I rolled a one first one first? wait a minute first you punch Steven on the head and he just kind of blinks and looks at you like what the fuck but you over

you swing too hard so you just kind of like nick him on the side of the head and you're like what's he like what the fuck are you trying to do uh and then to kind of make up for it uh you're you're only just realizing you've only barely next to you so you don't pay attention and you just drive the butt of your the hilt of your sword right into ethel's

skull um it happens he was the nicest person we met so far. Wait a minute. You mean that blind woman? Wait a minute. Is Ethel going to be okay? She goes unconscious and takes...

We should find out what's under that mask. She goes limp as she hits the ground. I pour a healing potion. Save the ground. I pour a healing potion. Save the potion. I can spare the dying. I can bring her to zero. But she's toast.

I mean, yeah, she's out. She's just sleeping. No, I killed her. No, no, no. He can spare the dying. Yeah, but technically I killed her. Technically, yes, you did kill her. I spit Steven like wheels around at you.

It's like, do another roll. That one's alright. That's a 12 plus a 7. Kind of plops on the side. These guys are both out. The door lies ahead of you while those two are

unconscious on the ground. In order to surprise who's over there. A lot of blood in a pool. Wait a minute. Ethel is bleeding out. She needs to be tended to. She has been tended to. She is.

He did cast one of his priest spells on her. I have a spell that I can cast that brings her to basically unconscious, but okay. Oh, okay. I mean, I'm not happy about it, but I'll deal with it. I mean, I'm in too about it, but I'll deal with it. I mean, I'm in too far. She likes bleeding out. I mean, she and her husband only bleed out once a month. All right.

What are you guys going to do next? You have to make a plan to bleed out together. I know. It's like if the kids are in town. We're going into the room, right? Would this be a good time to do some more invisibility to get the drop on whoever's next? How many invisibility?

We have one more potion and he can make himself. I can just go back to high school. There was some violent noises after the door opened. Okay, I think we should just probably just pile in. All right, let's hit it. Okay. You all pile through the door and notice there's nobody here. There's supposed to be three guards here, according to the map.

How high is the ceiling? It is 15 feet. Could fly, but I was hoping to make a dramatic spiral to like a... You could cling to the ceiling. I don't want to. Like a vampire. I don't feel like it. Show me the running order as don't want to. Like a vampire. I don't feel like it. Show me the running order

as you come through here. Okay. And I assume go around the corner to this door? Well, you're... It's your heist. Yeah.

So you should be... I just want my Christmas bonus. Okay, him first. I'm gonna say you're... You make it all the way around here. Okay, I'm gonna be behind him because I was like pretending to...

I'm not sure I should be going first. Well, I have pretending to hot. You're not going first, but I just had you at knife point in front of me. Okay. Like that. Cool. So I'm gonna scoot y'all. Maybe we shouldn't all be clustered up in case some, someone comes like

charging towards us and back here. I'll stay. I'll see my specialty is running away or maybe on, wait, go all the way around yes yes we'd probably flank i think yeah okay so you two got him uh are you trying to be sneaky what are you doing exactly i i would like to be sneaky everybody who wants to be sneaky please roll there's nobody in here though now that you can see i got a six okay so pretty great 12 i'm not trying to be sneaky okay uh i drop an entire box of golden grams that's super loud but you do you do feel like you weren't you especially quiet as you two took up the flanking positions back still nobody visible this door

uh well now we don't know anything about this door because we just bopped everybody. Correct. Kavnard, here's what you know about this door. Do an insight check. This will determine how much you know from gossip around the office. Right. I only have a negative one for insight.

You need to beat a 15. Me too. High five. Try to beat a 15 with Me too. High five. Try to be a 15 with that penalty. Here we go. I have a good feeling about this. My feeling was wrong. 13.

You vaguely remember that it's a non-magical situation. Wait, guys. I'm remembering something. I vaguely remember it's a non-magical situation. Wait, guys. I'm remembering something. I vaguely remember it's a non-magical situation. I kick open the door. Do a strength check. Nope.

14. Alright, well the door explodes in wooden splinters. I'm not going to need you to do a dexterity saving throw for what happens next. Do acrobatics have anything to do with it? That would be great if they did. It's a saving throw because you're

trying to keep something horrible from happening to you. I got that part. Thank you. You said with advantage? I sure did. That could be a part of your character. I don't know. Some characters have an automatic... No, 11 is my...

Fun. So a portcullis-like series of metal spikes drop down from the top of the doorway on you as you smash open the door. Oh my God, are you okay? Oh wait, was that a saving throw? Yeah. Okay, I forgot a saving throw? Yeah. I forgot about my brutish durability that when I make a saving throw I get to roll a 1d6 and add the die to my saving throw total.

Hell yeah! So let's add 5 to that. So what was your original? 8? 11? 8 or 11. So 16? You get to halve the damage that's about to happen to you. She sure does. All right. Do we have dead air?

Yeah. Oh, this is dead air brought to you by Tesla discount electric cars. Come on down and get yourself a Tesla. I make them in the back. You get to have 64 points of piercing damage as these steel spikes smash down into the ground.

That's as much piercing damage as an entire Dashboard Confessional show. Jeez. But the doorway is now filled with iron bars that go from top to bottom. Damn it. Wooden splinters on the ground where the door used to be. I am so sorry

that happened to you. Thank you. I did not think that was the reaction you were going to have. I appreciate it. Kevdar and Grima are making up, everybody. Okay, so now there's spikes here. But Blackie Green can go on the other side, can't he?

Become a gas. It is true. Peanut butter sandwiches and I chant Yoshinoya until I turn into a gas. All right. So you slink down as a fog of mist. As soon as you get to the bottom of these stairs, you immediately undo from being a gaseous form do an arcana check for me pocket green oh 20 there appears to be a anti-magic field

25 so yeah there's no you don't think anyone's gonna be able to cast any spells in the vault itself. But you get down into a small 20 by 20 foot room where you're like, oh, I can pick things up, but I can't teleport them out of here. Push the button marked open. I'm going to look around carefully and see what's going on. Do an investigation check, please. 17. uh what's uh 17 you don't find a button but you do find a sort of false panel

like above the doorway at the bottom of the stairs it feels like if you open it up there might be something I'm gonna do a check for traps that's what that kind of was you found basically what you're gonna find then I'm just gonna do a check for traps That's what that kind of was You found basically what you're going to find Then I'm just going to start flipping around for switches

You pull this fake stone front off the beginning of this door Wait, what's happening? Sam, I just want to let you know whenever you tweak the knob I will always freak the fuck out from my short attention span Are you skittish?

Huh? We're good I will always freak the fuck out from my short attention span. Are you skittish? Huh? What? What? Huh? We're good. Huh? What? I just tweaked the knob open for running jewels. What about sweet heat skittish?

I've never tried them, I'm afraid. There are three small buttons behind this false panel above the doorway on the inside of the vault. Okay. It's probably... All three of them are black. They're like little black buttons. Does it look like I have to

press them in some sort of sequence? Wow, what a strange broad question. Why don't you do an insight check for me? 14. You're not sure three buttons you think they all might do something different or be a sequence uh i'm going to i'm gonna call up to these guys okay hey uh anti-magic field down here oh is there a way to open the door open these bars uh there's three buttons down here i'm gonna try to press some of these buttons so brace yourself because i might gas everybody or or like open a big vat of worms or centipedes or

should we maybe just quickly try to wake uh one of the people up and ask there are two bank managers passed out right there yeah wasn't there a big commotion we heard from coming from that room and we've seen no one that the commotion was us the question was i think there were supposed to be three people so so they're somewhere. Yes, there's three missing guards. Okay, let's wake Steven. All right. Bodhi, you're going to walk around over here? Sure.

You come over here, and they're gone. Ooh. Okay, close that door. It is a flat marble stone door with no hinges. It's kind of like open right now. What do you want to do? Kick it. Do a strength check.

You broke your toe. Trying to kick it shut is what you're trying to do? What was the strength check? Wait, can we get it open though if it doesn't have a handle? It's already open. That's the thing. He's trying to shut it. If he kicks it shut, can we get it open?

He's already doing it first. What'd you roll? Seven, so I probably didn't get it open though if it doesn't have it's already open that's the thing he's trying to shut it shut can we get it open he's already doing it first would you roll uh seven so i probably didn't get it no i mean you you actually hit it with your leg it doesn't move it doesn't budge an inch okay so you're just kind of like thud and it's like magically can i squeeze through since i'm a halfling can i squeeze through the bars do a dexterity check yep uh 20 you manage just barely like it hurts like you take one point of damage as you just kind of like crunch your ribs i only had one point did you really no that would have been hilarious yeah but like it bruises your rib a little bit as you squish through the bars you get down there for a limited time. Can I check out these buttons

and see if anything speaks to me? Yeah, I mean, you'd need Blackie Green who just, his player walked out of the room. Is there anything else in the room that I see? To like lift you up or you'd have to fly up to the buttons. Yeah, is there anything else in the room? There's a ton of stuff in the room.

I mean, he was looking for traps and buttons and such. There are four chests on each and one corner of this 20 by 20 room there is a big shelf what looks like little drawers that kevnar you would know these are all full of money um there's also all sorts of like property deeds in here there is nothing happens uh you're she's she's down there with you now okay black maybe we need to press them at the same oh i guess you can press them even as one person i don't know like you're the smart guy why don't you tell us what to do uh is there doesn't appear to be any sort of like wear pattern to them like like are these used buttons are they new are they

no they're it's it's really hard to tell i mean it looks like when you pulled it off you just scattered some dust over them if there wasn't already some i'm gonna i'm just gonna press one what do you think just press well i mean right let's take a moment here you're up at the top of the stairs behind bars i but i'm can you guys hear me yeah what's going on you have an idea about what buttons to push well i mean we just came here for some cash i just want my christmas money like just like there's money in those drawers there are some chests you know uh we don't need to take the whole chest i mean let's what's fair is fair just like open those chests take some gems we could we could stick that through the holes in the bars.

We don't have to mess with these buttons. Who here thinks that pressing those buttons is going to lead to something good? He has a fair point. While they're talking, Bodhi, you just start to see this door shut. Do we?

Hang on. A very important thing is happening. Brian, what do you want to do? I'm going to... Shit. Hold that thought plane. Is there anything I see? You don't see a person,

but it seems steadily shutting itself. I'm going to be steadily shutting myself in a minute. You could use something from your inventory, but there's no door stops laying around. There's no giant logs. There's no whatever you're trying to tell me. I'm going to ram a couple of like... God, he doesn't really...

Shit. Javelins. I have four javelins. Okay, you're going to try and just jam your javelins in there? Yeah. Do a dexterity check. 20. So you get one javelin in there,

and it just makes a whining noise as the door seems to be just grinding against it, like the javelin's only going to hold for a couple of seconds. That means you got the javelin in there. It doesn't make the javelin extra strong if you're extra dexterous. Sorry. Alright. So what else?

You have about 30 seconds for another idea, you think, before this javelin snaps in half. Bodhi, what's going on? I need to ram something in here. You two see Bodhi do this. You see it. I see it. I'm down there. Can I run back? Yeah, I guess I'll run back something in here. Yeah, I mean, you two see Bodhi do this. You see it.

I see it. I'm down by there. Can I run back? Yeah, I guess I'll run back to Bodhi. What's going on? Ah! You've got maybe 10 seconds. I'll start pulling on the door.

Do a strength check. 15. No, you can't get it to budge. It feels like it's magically shutting, and there's only enough room for fingers. I mean, you get them in there. Careful. Fuck. Watch your fingers. Are you keeping your hands in there

trying to yank? No, I mean, I'm not going to lose my fingers. Okay. Is this do I feel, is there like, is this magical or is this a person? Insight check. Oh, bad. It's going to be like a... Well, you know, you're with everybody. You're with Bodhi and Blackie, so go ahead and roll with advantage. I'm down a Oh, that's It's going to be like a... You know, you're with everybody. You're with Bodhi and Blackie, so go ahead and roll with advantage.

I'm down a... Oh, that's right. You're with... I'm with Bodhi. Yeah, sorry. So, no? I'm sorry I dropped Blackie. I'm going to try to yank on the door with my...

What did you roll? 16. You feel like it's magical and that somebody flipped a switch somewhere up in one of those offices. Got it. Okay. You're going to try with your hands or a weapon?

Hands. Just yank it with my gauntlets of ogre power. Okay. Help him so we can roll. I'm always wearing the gauntlets of ogre power. I'm also quite strong. Huh? You want to run over and help?

I am a minotaur. Okay. You can roll this with advantage, Brian. Okay. 19. Uh-huh. Okay, you can roll this with advantage, Brian. Okay, 19. 19's my big one. Okay, you feel like you're holding it in place,

but you're not stopping it from shutting. Everything okay up there, guys? The door is magically shutting. You got it kind of like with your bracing strength, just like got it stuck at one inch open with your javelin about to snap in half. You're not sure how much longer you can keep it gone. Minotaur, get your hands in there. Pull! Do you have a diamond or anything? Something

hard. Put it in there. Yeah. Ugh. That was the worst that's what she said ever. I apologize. I wasn't going for that. Can the Minotaur pull? Well, I did. They're together trying to get it,

but I mean, they're fighting a magic ceiling. I feel like keep your hands out of there, guys. Put stuff in there. I know, it'd be really fun if they lose the next strength check, I think. Nobody has anything like this? Diamonds? Kevin, Art, and Bodhi,

you definitely feel like your fingers are in a pricking. What about my horns? I have horns. You sure do. You want to jam your horns in the doorway? I mean. You can do it right now without even having to roll. God, that could be bad.

I have a fist-sized ruby. Is that strong enough? I feel like it won't. You can get your horns in there. You can have 20 fists. Okay, I'm going to do it. Okay, so Kevnard just kind of cracked. It's okay.

I have no nerve endings in my hands. You feel this just immense headache as pressure goes through the nerve endings at the base of your horns into your brain, but it's holding it steadier than hands could for sure. Yet somehow I have an immense headache. Oh, no. It feels steady, Bodhi. It feels like you could walk away,

and he's going to be able to hold it for a few minutes at least. Okay. Should we get these bars open? Yeah. So you guys are going to come back around the bars? I'm going to need a giant Advil. You're here in front of the bars now, right? Okay. Push a button. I'm going to push

the button on the left. Okay. Dan just started laughing and he's still laughing. He's not speaking. He looks upset, but happy. I think he's praying.

He sort of looks like he can't believe this happened, and he's thrilled. Kevnar, do a perception check. What? A perception check. I think we all know how this is going to go down. Uh-huh. 15 plus 3 nice you hear this like stone noise as a panel grinds open in the stone ceiling 15 feet above you and magma just starts pouring down on you

i'm gonna have you roll a dexterity check oh my god this has gone way out of control i just wanted a dexterity check with disadvantage christmas, this has gone way out of control. I just wanted to A dexterity check with disadvantage. Christmas bonus. Get him out of there. This is not worth. Roll a dexterity check with disadvantage. Or saving throw, I'm sorry. Magma. Oh no. Sarah, can you help him with numbers if he needs to dex saving throw? I've worked here for years.

I didn't know there was magma. I've never been here before. I didn't know there was magma. Roll that twice and take the low number, buddy. Oh no. Oh, that's good. take the low number, buddy. What? Oh, no. Oh, that's good. That's good. 19. One more time.

And a 7. Okay, but you have a plus 4 to dex, so. It's an 11. All right. You are not going to have this. Oh, no. Oh, wait. He has advantage on dex against effects that he can see while not blinded or deafened.

Oh, so that will cancel out disadvantage. He gets to take the, you can take the first roll. What was the first roll? 19 plus four. You do manage to have this then. Oh, good. The magma is dumping directly on you and you're pinned in place.

However. But only half of the magma. What a feeling. I'm going to allow two things. First of all, you're going to have. Plus the headache. You're going to be able to have this damage as you kind of like flatten your body against the wall.

Yeah. But because you beat the requirement on this, I'm going to also let you choose. You can pop your head out and run away from the magma pouring down on you as this happens. Why wouldn't I choose that? To keep the door open. Oh, right, right. No, I'm going to run.

Okay, so you slide out and it's going to be this way. But you realize as you do this, the magma is going to run. Yeah. Okay. Slide out. And it's going to be this way. But you realize as you do this, the magma is going to keep filling this chain. Like it's coming down at a pretty fast rate. Also, you took 44 points of fire damage. Oh, Jesus. And you get to have it actually. So that's 22 points.

Does that button do anything, guys? At this point, you do hear Kevnard reacting. Screaming. Does that open anything? Kevnard, what noise would you make if you barely escaped magma dumping down on you? I just want the quiet wheezing. Can you give that to us? Huh?

How's it sound? Did somebody order Jack in the Box? I feel like I smell like a, right? Like a sandwich? Yeah, some sort of like that garlic butter that they put on everything. I'm assuming you're going to come all the way around the corner to these guys, yeah? Yeah.

Magma is now pouring down. Uh-oh. Are you doing a thing with the magma where you wipe your eyes? Do you have like detect, don't you have like detect magic or anything, Blackie? I don't have detect magic. Okay, I'm going to search the room

for anything that can help us, like traps or buttons or- Do an investigation check. Okay. Seven. Search the room for anything that can help us, like traps or buttons. Do an investigation check. Okay. Seven. Can't find anything else except there are these four chests and a series of drawers in the wall. Do you want me to push another button, guys?

Do it. I'm not taking it. I don't know. I'm going to push the other two buttons at the same time. I move away from the door. Yeah, so you're going to go over here. Bodhi, where are you going to go? The other way, towards Magma Man. Magma Man, all right.

You said both of the other ones? At the same time, yeah. Okay. So the right one and the center one, you're going to push at the same time. Let me check my notes, what this does. Okay, so first things first. This floor

pulls away and a pit of spikes reveals itself with dead bodies in it. Also, you hear a hissing noise. Is it me doing my act? Like a good hissing? I'm going to need a perception

check from Verdon, Bodhi, and Kevinard. Perception? Guys, did that help? Did that do anything? Did that help? 14. You're killing us. None of these buttons are good.

The button combinations you chose are interesting. I'm enjoying it. I rolled a five. You don't really notice anything except this hissing noise. Bodhi, would you? Ten. And Verdon, what'd you get? Fourteen. Verdon, you see what looks like little puffs of air coming out of small holes in the wall.

That's poison gas. Yeah, yeah. Thanks for the heads up, stout grima. I'm gonna need Bodhi, uh, Kavanagh, and Verdant to do, uh... Why don't you go blind somebody? A constitution saving throw. It didn't work! I tried! It didn't go well!

Uh, 20-sided die? Uh-huh. 13. I'm starting to think that these buttons have some sort of, uh, security... Like they're a negative thing, do you think? Yeah, like they're... You think they might do bad things? Yeah. 13. I'm starting to think that these buttons have some sort of security. Like they're a negative thing, do you think? Yeah. You think they might do bad things? Yeah. Let's push one more to be sure.

Well, there's three we've already pressed. Maybe if we press them again, they'll stop. All of them together? What am I doing? Constitution saving throw, please. That's a good idea. Ooh. Seven.

Could be like press in, click. Do it. All three of you take 12 points of poison damage as you begin to gag we're pushing all three buttons again at the same time yes okay uh double the magma everything goes magically dark hello are you still there you see uh nothing it's impossible for any it's it's it's it's like a

impenetrable blackness that that nothing is cutting through um I'm gonna need another constitution saving throw from our three heroes up top I'm gonna get low to the ground yeah I'm honored to be low to the ground. Yeah.

I'm honored to be in the group. Oh, no. 11. Okay. Why don't we try pushing the two on the outside? Blackie's going to do that next. 22. All right.

So, Verden and Kevnard, you take an additional 16 points of poison damage. We have to go. Bodhi, you manage to hold your breath, and you only take eight points of poison damage. But you feel like it's getting really hot in here. Almost as if magma is flowing towards you down the hallway. Should we take off all our clothes? But they didn't notice anything stopping, or there's no... No.

Did I mention the magma um oh yeah can we pry these bars open so they can get downstairs into the vault so you're gonna walk up the stairs and uh just try to use strength to yeah okay so you guys come back up uh with advantage grima because i mean blacky wanted to push the two outer buttons i don't know if he still wants to do that blacky or do you want to help her with the bars I'll let her roll with advantage if you help her or you can stay behind and push can we help with the bars I mean I'm in excruciating there's an open pit full of spikes in front of it now of course things are getting crazy yeah what you gonna do with her behind? I'm going to go and try to get the bars open with her. Okay. Roll with the advantage.

Strength check, please. Oh, him or me? You. You're tougher. Someone gets to roll the advantage. 18. You feel like you just barely get it open enough where you wouldn't take damage if you squeeze through. And maybe Verdant Fel could fit through, but not Bodhi or Kevnard.

Okay. What about your flying thing yeah i mean but that i was hoping that we could be able to you guys be able to jump down here at least and we could maybe close the door so that it get away from the poison but you hear a scream coming from somewhere from where you're not sure it's probably me not from downstairs somewhere maybe down this hallway downstairs no down the hallway there were invisible guards hiding but they are now getting burned by magma oh okay push those other two buttons and see what happens okay which two there's three buttons and you pushed all of them in some way uh we pushed we pushed uh the left one we pushed the other two that was you then we pushed all three at the same time, and everything got blindy.

Why don't you go one, two, three? He was going to do the two outer ones. This is about to be my favorite episode of Nerd Poker. I don't feel like this is going to do anything, but what else can we do, really? What are you going to push? I'm casting Cure Wounds on myself. I'm going to... Yeah, do what your first instinct was.

That's what they say about taking the SATs. You push the two on the outside? Yeah. The lights come back on, and the bars go up. Oh, thank God. You notice there is about six feet of magma about this far, and it's all the way up to the ceiling about here and it's continuing to flow on either side are the are the spikes

still there down here yeah yes can they jump from the corner here now that the bars are gone yes okay come on guys let's go you guys gonna try to yeah absolutely so you all get down in the vault okay here comes the mag now we who want you guys should look around investigate and see if there's another exit out of here and then uh what what is the ceiling like again it's 20 by 20 foot room so it's really high ceilings very very high wall full of these drawers. Let's search. You start pulling these drawers open. There's a lot of deeds to cave dwellings. There's a few maps.

After just a couple of minutes, it starts to get really hot, and you think you see magma coming up. You can close the door. At the bottom of the stairs, there's a door. Yeah, let's close the door. Wouldn't the magma be falling down the door? Magma coming up. You can close the door. At the bottom of the stairs, there's a door. Yeah, let's close the door. Wouldn't the magma be falling down the pit? For a while. But you think you see it kind of just flowing. I'm going to fly up to the ceiling and see if I can feel anything on the ceiling,

like a trap door or an exit of some kind. Do an investigation check. So there's no gold? There's four chests. And you haven't even opened them yet you just kind of looked at them and felt for secrets 18 you feel around and there is a central panel uh you you kind of pop it open and it looks like there are uh there's like a small vent that like a halfling or a gnome or a goblin could come down through. It's like a sort of,

uh, what do you call it? Like a maintenance duct. Only those people. Uh, can you shrink people? Uh, only my kids.

Okay. Should I guys, do you want me to try to fly to get out of here and then stop this so you can escape alive? Why don't you check out the chests while I'm going? I'll investigate one of the chests. So you start going up this maintenance duct. Do an athletics check, please.

Can we put in a call to maintenance? We're having a magma issue. Unfortunately, the intercom seems to be damaged by whatever magma is flowing down the hallway 23 great you fly up and just start crawling and you realize this does in fact kind of like go to a central area uh you can go left right right, or this way. Oh, goddammit. I mean, what am I going to do? It's pitch black.

All right, I guess I'm going this way. Okay. You go for a little while, and it feels like there's another panel beneath you eventually. Okay, I go through it. You pop it open. Right about here. Are you going to fall down, or are you just gonna look first I guess I'll look so you pull this panel up into the tunnel and move it you look down

bank managers the guards and another guard all kind of talking to each other about how soon the reinforcements are going to arrive okay I call down to them and I'm like 5,000 gold for each of you if you get us

all out of here and look the other way roll a persuasion check we have that do I get advantage because I'm speaking from a vent and it makes my voice like sonorous

and like all right just because you have the element of surprise they're not expecting this I rolled a natural 20 on the second one and I have a plus two

I think it was very generous it was very generous so they all just kind of go what the fuck? And they look up. They say, Steven says, prove you have that much.

Here's a picture of you at the fire festival. Can I be like, yeah, did you hear about that? Didn't we get it from that weird Sphinx that we defeated? Is that where we got it? So I'm like, yeah, did you hear about that? Didn't we get it from that weird Sphinx that we defeated? Is that where we got it? So I'm like, yeah, did you hear about the party that took down the Sphinx? That was us. With that persuasion check, they all kind of look at each other.

They go back into Ethel's office. You guys see lava start flowing. And then at a certain point it just stops but it's coming down the stairs and you see it because just instinctively you peek and you just notice your point of your only other point of escape has started to seal off with with uh uh hardening lava flow i hope they're pocketing stuff while they're down there it takes a long time they have to magically clear the lava out and bring in wizards um you're all eventually freed from the vault and allowed to go about your way but uh you are you now lose uh uh it was gonna be 25 000 gold they took stuff though right right? While they were waiting to be rescued.

I assume you guys were searching through the... They search your belongings thoroughly. I'm going to need everyone to roll a deception check with advantage if you want to... or disadvantage. Disadvantage. Roll your 20-sided twice and take the low number

for... what do I... Deception to try to get away with anything from the fault i wrote. 19 and a 12. Oof. You got a 12? 17 and 12. Your low was a 12. What was yours?

It's pretty high, actually, right? Yeah, I should have just given you a low. Sorry. I did a 15 and 11. No, I did 23 and 11. Yeah, your 15 was your low. Yeah, you guys don't manage to get anything out of the vault without them going through all your pouches, all your belongings.

With the $5,000 bribe, they do let you get off scot-free and just tell everybody, oh, there was a mistake. We accidentally set off some alarms. Because the 5,000 does cover the amount they have to pay sorcerers to clear out all the magma

and undo all the magma and undo all the damage you guys did. But that is our most failed danger room, everybody. What do you mean, hold on? Can't we... Brian's sending me a note, I think, everybody.

I'm very curious what this note... I think it's just gonna say, hey, Dan, go fuck yourself. I mean, I feel like... Was it Phil? We walked out with a great adventure in our lives. The Minotaur got really hurt. I'm going to let you roll deception one more time for this, Brian. And I'm going to tell you in advance.

You need to beat an 18. What's your deception? It's not high. One is my... You get a plus one? Yeah. You got to beat an 18 to do this. Can's your deception? It's not high. One is my... You get a plus one? You got to beat an 18 to do this. Can I support him? I'm going to describe in detail what happens if you fail.

You get to describe what happens if you succeed. Okay. Not a chance. While you're all getting patted down in one of the offices a bunch of gold falls out of my asshole you just see they kind of like you just like Brian's just like standing really

stiffly the whole time he looks like he has to pee and just like they start patting him down they're like you gotta spread them buddy and he just splashing out of his loincloth. Hey, this guy's paying out! Just massive amounts.

And it's all platinum, too. It's all really nice. It's high levels of currency just splashing out of his backside. And that is... It's Budcoin. That is our second episode. You guys are it said I keistered a million gold.

Hey, Sam, what do you think happened that second? I'd be hold on a minute. I'd be happy to tell you on the second episode. Oh, Kevinard is injured. That sweet bowl baby boy. There's someone in a metal mask and a cape. I think. Oh, her name is Ethel. I hope she joins us oh

we blinded her oh ethel opened the door for us so we murdered her see this is why we don't kick in magic doors uh looks like we have some buttons to choose i bet how i bet somehow we fight them uh blaine mentioned pre-haul i forget what that is blaine oh it was the uh the pre-boot of the comedy series Hee Haw. Ah, yes. I feel like when asking us about this mission, the Minotaur buried the lead, not mentioning the bank is full of magma.

We're out of the vault, and I think this mission has somehow cost us money. It sure did. It really did. And although we are poorer in finances, we are richer in pain. Ah, you guys. I came real close to killing most of you, and I think I was pretty generous by not doing it,

considering how you could all just wake up the next morning, regardless of what happened. But that was a lot of fun. I don't get any credit for saving. You get all the credit because you got that high athletics role getting all the way through the tunnel before the lava filled the room. It was very dumb because it is a bonus room. The money carries over, but our lives also carry over.

So now we've just lost $25,000. But it made for a better story. I think so. I loved what happened. I didn't get my Christmas bonus. And you know what? The saddest part, you guys. And you got caught on fire.

I racked up medical bills. From the Charlie Brown Christmas special, Christmas Time is Here plays as trudging back to his cave unemployed Kevnard the Accountable is truly held to his name How am I going to explain this to the missus?

No, you learned about the true meaning of Christmas Tell her you got fleeced Fleece? Thanks for listening everybody Fleece? Fleece? Thanks for listening, everybody. Minotaurs with a fleece? Fleece Minotaur. You mean like... Yeah, yeah, they've got...

Yeah. All right. Thanks for listening to another episode of Nerd Poker. You can follow us at patreon.com slash nerdpoker and you get bonus episodes from there. And you can also send us anything at P.O. Box 16069 in Ceno, California, 91416. Thanks for listening.