Nerd Poker - S4E1 Schoonarooni

Episode Date: September 15, 2020

Welcome to a brand new season and brand new story! It's time for our cast to set the stage with a brand new Level 3 crew, one that's getting the hell out of Cloddenheim fast.

Hey everybody, I'm Brian Poussin, Comedian, writer, actor, nerd. I've been playing D&D with my friends for a long time. I decided to do a new podcast where we play Dungeons & Dragons in my very own dining room. With my wife, kid, and my noisy dogs. So meet my friends... Sarah Kev Dan

Lee Chris Now it's time for another episode of Brian Possehn's Nerd Poker. Season 4. Hey, everybody. I'm Brian Possehn, and you're listening to Brian Possehn's Nerd Poker. We're going to play D&D with all my friends. They're here.

This is Season 4, Episode 1. It's very exciting. poker we're gonna play dnd with all my friends they're here this is season four episode one it's very exciting we all have a bunch of new characters first i'll introduce everybody my dungeon master dan hello dan why hello brian and everyone listening hello hello friends uh ken ken daly why not hello brian chris tallman hello chris i say a half hello to you brian and a full Ken, Ken Daly. Why not? Hello, Brian. Chris Tallman. Hello, Chris. I say a half hello to you, Brian, and a full hello to the listeners. Sarah Gazzardo. Hello, Sarah. Hello, Brian and everyone.

And we've got Blaine Kapach. Who else has Blaine Kapach? We have him. Hello, Blaine. Hi, Brian. I'm going to give you a hello and a half to make up for Chris's half. And our engineer and show pal. There he is.

Sam Kiefer. Hello, Sam. Hello, everyone. And good luck today. Cool. Dan. Thanks for tuning in. Good night, everybody.

That was Blaine. I assume, Brian, what you were about to do was prompt me to go ahead and thank some Patreon supporters. Yeah. Thank the people that keep this show going. I will. You guys are, of course, listening to our public feed. But we like to give a shout out to everybody who supports us on Patreon at the Stargoyle and Hey Boss tiers. We have a bunch of tiers. And if you give us five bucks or more a month,

you get a bunch of bonus episodes, three a month. And we try to give you guys as much bells and whistles as we can if you can support us on Patreon and keep the lights on, so to speak. We love doing this podcast and we really love incorporating a bunch of Dungeons and Dragons goofiness in your life.

So thanks to all of our Patreon supporters at every level. But in particular, this episode, I'd like to thank Paul. Thank you, Paul. Thanks, Paul. Thank you, Paul. Thanks, John Matthews. Thanks, John. Thanks, Jam.

Thank you. My dwarf has a Prince Halberd. Better let him out. Thanks, Morgan henderson thanks thank you broken pint glass thank you be careful thanks craig willis thank you thank you gus's free willy ah thanks of it's a creepy reference to Pseudo-Dragon Gus from Season 3. Thank you, William. You mean I don't need to use my credit card name, Ashton? Thanks, Bill. In quotes.

Thank you, Rick Miller. Thanks, Rick. Thank you, Alan Manerich. Thank you, Jonathan Zinger. Thank you, Eric Ewald. Thank you, Is Talitha Naoli. Yes. Thank you, Toblerone Jones. Thank you, Eric Ewald. Thank you, Iz Talitha Naoli. Thank you, Toblerone Jones. Thank you, Peter Harmon.

Thank you, Fart Simpson. Thank you, Ben Kovalec. Thank you, Eric Maun. Thank you, Tick Tock, Tick A Tick To The Tick Tock, You Don't Stop A Rockin'. And thank you, Sharts In The Dark. Thank you,'t stop a rockin and thank you

sharts in the dark thank you and you're to blame I was still caught on Toblerone Jones I got a Toblerone Jones Cheech and Chong I enjoy a Cheech and or a Chong from time to time

and you know what else I enjoy when Blaine lets us know who those Patreon supporters were brought to us by. Hey, Blaine. Those Patreon supporters brought to you by Kellogg's Ant Brand. 2,000 ants in a box of Kellogg's Ant Brand. 2,000 ants! And Hitachi diesel vibrators for the Amish woman who has everything but electricity and orgasms. Hitachi, we're there for you. Dan. Wow. the Amish woman who has everything but electricity and orgasms. Hitachi, we're there for you.

Bam. Wow. Well, I would like to now get into the new story for season four. Are you excited, everybody? Our characters haven't met each other yet. Perhaps people have glanced askance? Is that the

phrase? Glanced through the corners of their eyes at each other's character sheets, but I think for the most part I haven't. No. I saw an invite. This meat better be cute. Some of us don't know how to. Some of us have perhaps an accident. Some of us may have not seen anything,

but now we will get into the brand new story for season four so you are all new to claudenheim and it's already terrible it's absolutely the worst you've only been here a little while what's happening oh no that's the sound of a creaking boat you dumb fuck oh nice you guys have just stepped off the continent of Cloddenheim, and you are now boarding the good ship Schooneroonie. You've spent every last gold coin,

so all of you have empty gold pouches right now because you have just purchased your way onto the Schooneroonie, and it's very difficult to get out of Cloddenheim. Nobody wants to be here. I don't know if you guys have heard, but a evil Lich King just reappeared on the south end of the continent, summoning his city

from the Feywild, the ancient kingdom of Vendaria, and he is now waging war against all the living creatures of Cloddenheim. So, you have pulled a few strings strings and you're now getting on board the schooner Rooney. Oh boy. You're, you're glad to get out of here. Um, so the, the dread lich King Valix is being left behind, but also this is a continent

that's just been ravaged by undead horrors and monstrosities since a comet hit ten years ago. It's just, this, we're done with this place. We're done. Fuck this, you're out of here. So, uh, here you are. You're having just purchased a one-way ticket to the continent of Westin. And the Schooneroonie is going to take you to the capital city of Westin, which is, of course, Westin West City. A city primarily known for its discipline. You are told you should wear mostly green clothing.

If you don't wear green clothing, you tend to have a city guard pull you aside and bring you to the Inquisitor's office. And you have to go through a series of tests to prove that you are not a troublemaker or an anti-government spy. So it's been encouraged that you bring some green clothing just so you don't get trouble from the local guard. And in general, it's kind of like a dry place. You didn't really get excited when you knew you had to go to Weston. It's very corporate kingdom obnoxious. It's not where you wanted to be.

You wanted to be adventuring in Clottenheim, and Clottenheim went to shit. So off we go. Away from Clottenheim to West and West City, you have just shown your ticket to a kindly dwarf named Gertrude. Gertrude is now leading you below the deck of the Schooneroonie.

So off we go uh down these wooden steps and we're now inside the schoonerunny so uh welcome below deck you're now being taken to your chambers you're going to be in these chambers with one weston city guard uh he normally likes to stay in Weston West City, but he's kind of like taking some overtime coin from the Weston government to escort everybody. And he's just kind of like leaning in the corner with his head down, playing some cards.

And he doesn't really regard you. But in the hallway, you see there's a lot of other refugees. These refugees are going by names like uh shlaney hannah and her dog alfie the dog uh you also see reginald t puddlefoot a refugee uh a refugee by the name of deckard skill so another one by byron yoink uh jen Jen Pellett and his silent partner, Relet. And Krug, a big fucking orc. Uh, all sort of, like, leer at you and kind of

go like, ugh. Um, as you walk down this hallway and are brought into your bedchambers, uh, you see, uh, you are now surrounded. There is a group of others, and they are you. Uh, You look around

and see kind of a strange group. A couple of elves, a couple of familiar races, and one very unfamiliar creature is sitting amongst you. The guard of Weston hasn't looked up yet.

He's pretty absorbed in his cards, and he generally doesn't look very friendly. So I encourage all of you, say hello to each other. Nice to meet you all. I am Tootie True Anvil. I'm a dwarf paladin. Tootie True Anvil? True Anvil.

Oh, okay, True Anvil, got it. My father was a blacksmith. What's your first? Yeah, they didn't hear your first name. Tootie? Say it again?'t hear your first name Toody? Say it again Toody? T-O-O-D-Y Let me rename myself

Toody Like Mrs. Garrett That's Tooty You're Toody Like 2D4 Like two-dimensional Oh, or Toody Like Flatland

So anyway, I'm a dwarf paladin known for my goodness and generosity. Yeah, tell everyone what you're carrying and how you look. My warhammer and my glaive keep me safe. Hi, Tootie. I have long red hair. You can see my picture. I have long red hair. You can see my picture. I have long red hair and a beard. And I'm a dwarf.

Well armored. Everyone just sort of stares at Tootie for a while. I wave cheerfully at Tootie. Hi, Tootie. I wave back. I'm Iva Paperbark. I'm a gnome. As you can see, I am the tallest gnome from my entire

uh land um i mean i guess not anymore because i left there i am almost four feet tall i'm three foot six so i am almost four feet tall um and does anyone want to play dice? Sure. Anybody? I asked the other people. The lady with the dog or the man with the dog. Well, they're actually out in the hallway. So you kind of poke your head out the door. Yeah, you've got to kind of be extra social. So you poke your head out and ask if anyone wants to play dice. The lady with the dog, of course, is Shlainy.

Shlainy, yeah. Shlainy says, oh, you'd like to play dice. The lady with the dog, of course, is Shlainy. And Shlainy says, oh, you'd like to play dice? I'm in the quarters down the hall. I'm in 4-3. Come to room 4-3. We'll play dice in a minute. The dog has to go take a dump on the deck, though, real quick. So we're just going to. Great.

Anyone who wants to play dice, let me know. Alfie plays dice. He picks them up in his mouth sometimes. They go all the way through his butthole. Sometimes he spits them out. But either way, it's fun to see what happens. Okay. And I say, oh, one more thing.

And I say, I bring out to everybody, I bring out my pet finch. This is Agatha. It's a little bird. Alfie starts barking, and you realize You should perhaps shut the door as Alfie Wants a piece of that bird What's your name? I, hmm? What's my name? Yeah, you. Oh, Iva. Iva Paperbark

I have about ten other names but I try To keep it easy for humans and elves because You know, you guys get confused With all the names Yeah Anyone who's spent time in because you guys get confused with all the names. Yeah, anyone who's spent time in Clottenheim's eastern area where you're leaving from, Donkeyland, it's got a lot of halflings with extremely long, weird names. Sir, I'm a gnome.

I don't know who that narrator is, but I speak to him. I am not a halfling. Suddenly, the face that was peering down through the clouds and in through the porthole of your sleeping quarters goes oh sorry all right as everybody else is being introduced another long pause as iva and 2d sort of nod at each other um i am donnie or danny sort of nod at each other. I am Donnie.

Or Danny. This guy's a liar. Danny? Yes. Donnie was too close to your current president, so I changed it. The narrator pops back out from the clouds and says says that was a meta reference um my guy's name is danny yen uh he'll he'll share that with you he's uh

he's a monk he hasn't been around people in a long time i've uh i hermited for, uh, for a purpose that I'll get into later. And, uh, I've been alone for a long time studying, uh, martial arts and, and, um,

making myself a better person. Now, when you say hermited, would you say like sheltering in place? You were just kind of like, I've sheltered in place for a long time. Oh, okay.

What do we see when we look at you? Um, besides a potential friend. Oh, I'm, do we see when we look at you? Um. Besides a potential friend. I'm a average height or maybe shorter than average height. Which for you is about seven feet tall, right?

He's half elf, right? Yeah, you're half wood elf too. Half wood elf. The good part. Which to one of you is relevant. And he's kind of shy. He hasn't been around people in a long time, and he doesn't use a ton of language.

He's very soft-spoken. But I'll be good in a fight and on an adventure. And I'm very much looking forward to being on this boat. I love how shy everybody is. You're all very like, oh, well, there's two folks left. Yeah, you're coming on our sea legs. You'll see. I'll sort of hop forward.

You guys see maybe a three-foot-tall little rabbit person. Imagine like a Rankin Bass rabbit man with like a little tweed jacket and a little green bow tie. And he looks up at everybody with his little pink nose and kind of, Hello, my name is Nathan Nathan Whiskers I'm here to help I came to Cloddenheim but apparently I was too late

so perhaps this boat will bring us all great success and he puts his hand on Danny's knees like you don't have to talk too much if you don't want to well the on Danny's knees like, you don't have to talk too much if you don't want to. Well, the actual player, Brian,

decided to take a big old bite of his Egg McMuffin. Yes, that's why I did it. Hi, it's really nice to meet you. It's nice to meet you. What is your bird's name? This is Agatha. Oh, I hope Agatha and I can become fast friends. I listen

to Agatha and I'm like, she says she'd like that very much. I just want to put you in my pocket. What was your name again, Chris? I'm sorry, buddy. What was your character's name again? Nathan Whiskers. Nathan Whiskers. I love it. He's from the boardwalk on Coney Island.

After Nathan sort of reintroduces Nathan Whiskers. Nathan Whiskers. I love it. He's from the boardwalk on Coney Island. For the hot guys. After Nathan sort of reintroduces himself a little louder this time to Danny, the city guard kind of like looks up from his card solitaire that he's playing with himself and just kind of mutters under his breath, Are you fucking kidding me? What the fuck? What's the story with this gentleman? Been

three trips back and forth from Weston. Can't have one fucking refugee trip without a fucking weirdo in my cabin. Jesus fucking Christ. I've seen it all now. You wanna go in the you wanna go in the

fairy folk room in the back? We got a unicorn and a pixie back there. We got some cud you can chew on. Sir, do you realize you're saying these nasty things out loud and not to yourself? I know what I fucking said. He says, standing up, pulling his sword from his sheath. What? Perhaps you should be nicer to my new friend.

We haven't even met everyone yet. I'm not getting paid enough to put up with your shit. I'm merely extending an offer if he wants to chew on code with the unicorn in the back. I'm going to jump in between Nathan and the guard

and I'm going to say, My name is Jelf. I'm Jelf the Yop. I like to run name is Jelf. I'm Jelf the Yop. I like to run and jump and hop. I live in trees. I bend my knees. I shoot at things. I never meese.

And then I'm going to shoot the guard with an arrow. Roll for initiative, everybody. Did you hear his words? They rhymed. Sort of. Mies was a bit of a stretch, but I enjoyed it. Yeah, I hurt my back on that one. Wow. I love that you're attacking a guard immediately.

He's messing with this nice little bunny guy. He did pull his sword. All right. So the guard rolled a 13. Who got a 20 or higher on their initiative? Brian, what'd you get? 17 plus 3. So a 20.

Yes. Anybody get a 15 to a 20? I got a 15. A 15 for 2D, whose name is actually 2D. Who got a 10 to a 15? I also got a 15. Another 15. I got 12.

15 for Nathan. And that was a 12 for you as well. What's your character's name pronounced again, Sarah? Iva. Iva. Okay, cool. All right. well uh what's your character's name pronounced again sarah iva iva okay cool all right well up first in the turn order we have danny hey danny the guard uh uh is has got his sword pulled and he's starting to look over at jelf as jelf pulls out his bow and arrow at point blake range uh what is the what is the guard's name guard he didn't introduce himself yet yeah you have offended my friend and now i shall introduce you to my my best friend i call him flurry of blows wow okay and i i just start swinging on him great uh tell the listeners what flurry of blows looks

like well after my initial attack i get two more unarmed strikes. So it's just, it's three fast punches to his face. Great. All right. Well, unarmed strike for you is a plus five to hit. So roll to attack. An 18 plus five. That's a hit roll your damage

that's 3 fucking hits alright so what is let's see on this so that's a 4 plus 3 on the initial alright roll your second attack oh does he you roll again on an arm strike Alright. Roll your second attack.

Oh, does he... You roll again on an unarmed strike? I roll... Well, you said you get two more attacks. Yeah, do I do strength or... It's like any other attack. You roll and then you add your to hit. Got it, okay. Crit.

Natural. Natural. Okay. And then... it crit she's natural okay and then and so what what you're doing is you're spending key points to do these so uh right now that's okay yeah even see his fists moving you've moving You're starting with three key points And so The way that works then is Um You're spending one to make these

Two additionals as a bonus action That's cool So what's your damage On that crit? Three plus three Jesus okay Roll 100 sighted dice also because This is a critical So what's your damage on that crit? Three plus three. Jesus. Okay.

Roll 100 sighted dice also because this is a critical. And special things can happen when you roll a critical. The rest of us will roll all ones for the next nine episodes. Forget him, Danny. A 31? Yeah. You hear a crunch noise as you connect with his nose, and you just see a gush of geyser of blood just fire out of his nose.

Roll your third attack. 18. That's a hit. This guy's got an armor class of 14. And then 2 plus 5, or 2 plus 3, so 5. Okay. Have you rethought your actions? And I say, when I'm done.

He's, like, blinking, like, to try to, like, stay focused, but he's in terrible shape. Like, he looks real bad. You should leave my friend alone. If you sit down, this is over. Do an intimidation check, Brian, for Danny. Okay. I have a plus three.

Okay. Finch has got to be going crazy. Probably not. 11 plus three. Ah, not quite enough. Okay. So he just sort of, not quite enough. Okay. So he just sort of like spits a tooth out. Up next in the turn order, we're gonna

go with Nathan. Oh boy. I see this happening and Nathan's very much like, oh no, oh no, oh no. So he will sort of maybe hop back uh behind uh danny and i don't know i mean this guy's not backing down i'm gonna hold an attack if he attacks

if the guard attacks somebody i'm gonna hold a chill touch. If he doesn't touch anybody, then I won't touch him. Got it. Tootie, you're up. Listen, sir, have you learned your lesson? Oh, I'll fucking

kill all of you fucks. Alright. I'll cast sleep. Alright, so sleep let's see uh remind us how that works if you've got the text pulled up i'm pulling it up right now uh this spell sends creatures into a magical slumber roll 5d8 total is how many hit points of creatures this spell can affect creatures within 20 feet of a point you choose are affected in their ascending order of the current hit. Great. So roll 5d8.

All right. Now, Dan, would this affect this guy, the guard's full hit points, or would it be his adjusted hit points now that Brian broke his nose four times? I believe it is easier to do when you, it's their current hit points. Okay.

believe it is easier to do when you it's their current hit points okay so I think it helps to knock somebody way down in hit points and then 22 you see him go and just fucking slam on the ground and bonk his head on the wall on the way down

you are now out of combat however the guard you attacked who is supposed to protect you for this voyage before combat. However, the guard you attacked, who was supposed to protect you for this voyage, have even left the dock. You have smashed his face in and knocked him unconscious. We should go back to that room with the unicorn in it. He's been really mean to this nice rabbit guy, Nathan, my new friend.

You okay, my forest buddy? Hope your jacket's not too bloody. That was very frightening, but I felt better having you here, my new friend. I go through his pockets. All right. You find a coin purse. He has five gold.

Hanging out, that's a pretty large amount of money. You find a city guard badge. What's his name? For West and West City. The badge says his name is Byron Ostis. I had that once after some bad clams casino. You have Byron Ostis' badge, his coin purse.

He's also got some brass knuckles. Oh, awesome. I'd definitely take those. And a strange deck of cards that you're able to sort of piece together. Let's play Uno. Looks like it's for a popular popular you know in-world card game you could investigate that later uh but uh yeah you've you've got you've gotten that interesting but he it's not difficult at all you don't have to do an investigation check that's the extent of

what he's got on him great i know i pat him i pat him uh and say thank you and then stand up and walk away he said yeah can you hear me hi what yes would you be willing to put that gold into a charity donation bag uh what's the charity well when we encounter one we'll give the money to whoever needs it uh i will definitely take that under advisement. I do need it, and also I'm the one who took it. But we'll talk about it when that moment comes. How about that? We'll cross that bridge, as they say.

Thank you for your consideration. Should we tie him up? It seems like he means to do us harm. Well, he was supposed to be protecting us from other people, I think, on the boat. How long is this voyage? It is a six-day voyage across the ocean. Well. They might notice that he's gone by then.

Yeah, are we going to time up for six days? I don't know. We do hear, like, in the distance, like, you hear the sound of like they're finishing Undocking they're gonna probably set sail soon Could we leave him here Yeah just go put him Should we just go put him on the dock Could you just put him outside There is a porthole

You have a porthole window here that you can Well I don't want him to drown right I mean maybe you guys do I don't know I haven't I just met you so Can I peek out the porthole if we pushed him out would he land on the dock no he would land in the water for sure i mean there's a dock like 20 feet away but there's a gangplank you had to walk up to get on the boat well perhaps we could just switch rooms

uh yeah six days i mean he's gonna find us Let's uh but you know Let's uh I feel like it'd be better to try to Shall we speak To someone Yeah sure let's go talk to someone So you uh Enter the hallway

Presuming that you're gonna leave the guard Tied up or not In the room but unconscious, sleeping for the time being? How long is the sleep spell going? I'm looking. I believe it lasts one minute.

That's like six days, right? Just have to keep casting it every minute for six days. Oh, yeah yeah duration one minute Are you going to tell his boss that he was being mean to you Or is that the plan If he wakes up on his way down

Maybe this guy He won't drown Oh man This is It is true that you know Like if you dangled him out of the window You could wait until he woke up and then. Then drop him.

Then drop him. Danny feels like that's not a nice thing to do to somebody, even if he was an asshole. Do we want to make a life preserver for him? Yeah, is there a boat? Nobody has any way to transport him to the dock. If we carry him up, can we like carry him to the dock if we carry him up can i like can we like carry him upstairs and then just like dump him out on the gangplank or whatever it's called try that's what danny suggests um yeah all right so in order to do that i can um

here's what i'll do i can cast i once saw a play called weekend at bernie's it was very funny oh about these gentlemen that had to keep another gentleman who was really dead and make him seem alive. Passion play is at the Temple of Tear. Yes. I've only seen one passion play and that was the only one.

I've only seen Weekend at Bernie's. I saw Mamma Mia and you know what? I'll see it again. Who's lifting this guy up? Danny will take the front. Who's strong? Who's strong in this group? Can I ask a question?

Can I ask the DM? I have a minor illusion that I can use. I can't create an image of anything larger than a five foot cube, but would it be possible to create the illusion of his head awake and looking like he was like drunk or sick so that we can weekend to Bernice him out of here?

Like, can I just like put a little box of illusion around his head? So he looks like he needs to get off the boat and then we'll help him off the boat. Let's see. Do we want to get him off of here? Yes. Yeah.

I thought we'd just leave him in a Clottenheim. I have an idea. Yeah? Nathan reaches into his jacket and he pulls out what looks like a carrot. And he looks at the guard and he goes, We should probably tie him up first. Where are you sending him? I'm not sending him anywhere.

But then he Waves the carrot like a magic wand And casts invisibility And the unconscious guard Disappears I can have him be like that for an hour But we should probably bind him Right? Otherwise

You're starting to hear the guard The invisible guard start to snuffle, going... Let's get him out of here really quick. Well, now you guys are going to look like you're carrying an invisible guy off the boat. And good luck to you. I'm going to go play dice with this lady down the hall.

I'll carry him in the front and act like I'm just looking at my phone. All right, do a deception check. Who's carrying him? It's going to uh jelf and who else jelf and danny i'll sort of help distract as they're walking i'll sort of okay i'll let you i'll let you roll advantage on the deception check uh blaine i rolled a 20 does that count jesus christ what's your bonus on this uh holy shit so did i it's my deception is negative

one i have a nine charisma whatever that means no hitches whatsoever all right well uh that's hilarious um so yeah you guys just sort of like managed to like look like you're like uh you know like you're you've got an arm up you're just sort of like showing off your biceps to each other like like there's a guns out yeah sun's out guns out you're like like got an arm up and you're just sort of like showing off your biceps to each other. Like there's a guns out. Yeah. Sun's out, guns out. You're like, like holding your arm up to carry this guy. But you're just sort of striking this like the beaches that way kind of pose with your muscle up.

And a couple of people out. And we look like we're friends because you're half wood elf and I'm all wood elf. The gangplank is being lifted up. Are you dropping this guy on the gangplank? Yeah. I'm going to have you guys do an athletics check, both of you, because he's trying, he's like waking up now and he's like

fuck this! And he's trying to fight you. But he's invisible still? He's invisible fighting you. Okay. I got a 15. Athletics? Uh-huh.

19 plus 3. Alright, unfortunately, the gangplank is being pulled too far away for you to get him on the gangplank, and so you don't drop him on the boat, but in the ensuing struggle of him waking up, you just, like, drop him, and you hear a sploosh as he falls in the ensuing struggle of him waking up, you just, like, drop him. And you hear a sploosh

as he falls in the water. It'll look great on his reel. But he's awake and close to shore. Is he awake? He's close to the docks. You can't see him because he's invisible and you dropped him in the water. However, there are about

six or seven city guards and a few refugees who are all looking at you because they saw you kind of like flailing your arms around uh fighting an invisible force for a second let's act like we get in a fight and then just go back to the room nathan you're you're you were doing a pretty good distraction for a while there but uh everyone for a moment distracted by the fact that there was a rabbit folk they've never seen before on deck is now just sort of looking at the weird flailing and shouting that was happening. I've got a handkerchief and I'm just sort of to random people on the dock. Goodbye. Goodbye.

So long. Do a performance check, Chris. Performance. Just Chris. Only Chris. Performance? Just Chris. Only Chris. Nine. No one buys it, but they do think it's funny how expressive you are for a giant rabbit. And the refugees disperse.

Most of the guards disperse. And a couple of them... Danny is mumbling about bees. Silly bees. Get away from me, bees. The guards come up to you and they're like, What's this about bees? They were just some bees.

Is there some sort of nest on the boat? What are you talking about? I think we threw it in the water. We got rid of it. Do a deception check, Brian. Yeah, that'll work. 19. You've used all your good rolls for the entire season.

There's no way you'll ever have a good roll again. They kind of give you a look like... Right. Thank you for throwing the beehive off the deck of the ship. What room are you in again? What's your name? Have we been assigned rooms? Yeah, you're

in room 43, so you're just down the hall from Shlenny and her dog Alfie. Do you tell them your room number? Yes, sir. My name is Danny Yen. My room number is 43. Right. Shall we escort you back to your room? No, I am fine. I will find my way back.

Sure. We'll check in later to make sure there's no more bees in your room. Thank you so much for your concern. Very sorry about the bees in your room. I'll make sure to let the captain know there's bees in room 43. They kind of like walk away, but they're absolutely suspicious. I don't know what that is. You don't know what suspicious is? No, I don't know. Ease.

That's great. But yeah, I mean, Jelf and Nathan, you definitely feel like you've attracted a little bit of attention, even if they're leaving you alone. While this is going on, can I be trying to turn this five gold pieces into 20 yeah absolutely so are you trying to cheat at dice no come on i don't cheat at dice i'm just very good at gambling great uh let's see what is a good stat to have you i think we're gonna do a it's a wait hold on my background says yeah all you need to make a lot of gold is a little gold except at those times when all you need to have no gold at all is a little gold whether they're good gambler bad one rarely matters because no one can blah blah blah but it's my backstory is that my proficiencies are

in deception and insight so if that matters great Great, do a performance. But I have a dice set. Okay. Roll performance. Oh, thanks. What's your gambling addiction modifier? Yeah. I mean, what that will mean, regardless, this will go well. Franklin. Sorry, you said, which did you say? Performance.

It is weird that Fred Flintstone had a canon gambling problem. And by regardless, did you mean even if I botch? Yeah, you managed. You get another one gold out of it. Okay, thanks. I also, can I talk to the dog? I just want to tell it to chill about the bird and ask if it's being fed okay.

Do an animal handling check. I have as a gnomish ability, I can just speak to small creatures. Oh. Oh, you're like I have a do-little? Yeah, yeah, it says. You're not just, I have a gambling problem. Roll animal handling anyway. Roll animal handling.

Yeah, just to see how much you get out of this dog that you're actually speaking to. I can communicate basically very basic ideas. Okay. 18. Wow, all right. Alfie says says i've read very well but i don't like boats oh me neither actually uh you see slendys i'm very like oh you and alfie are really getting along and that distracts her enough uh that i will undo the botch and you can add your performance modifier to how much gold you got.

So I believe that's a plus three. Okay, thanks. Awesome. So you get three more gold. Plus two, but yes, I'm going to do it. Plus two. Okay, so now you have three in addition to the five. So you have eight gold.

And this is the sum of the gold that you guys have as a party. I believe we just need to account for what 2D has been up to. 2D, what did you do while everyone else went above deck? You originally offered to help with the guard, but they seemed to sort of shuffle off without you, and you being a morally wholesome sort,

you let them... Do you go play dice? What do you do? I'm still concerned about the five gold pieces. So are you sort of supervising Iva? Can I watch her and see if she wins? Yeah, do a perception check. Tootie, it's bad luck to watch and not play.

You know that, right? If you're watching, you got to get in on this. I don't gamble. That's a 22. Wow. So you do notice she doesn't cheat, and you feel very confident that she played well and she was friendly with this dog.

So you feel like gambling, though it was, it was all good nature, which I think surprises Tootie a little bit. Yeah. It's like the most wholesome gambling you've ever seen. Yeah, she won a little bit. It was pretty close, pretty even for a few dice rolls, but in the end, she came out on top.

Actually, maybe your presence helped. I have 2D blow on my dice, and then I play one more round. All right. And I'll give him for his charity whatever I win on this round. All right. Fantastic. One more performance check with advantage this time. 16.

Cool. That time, you kind of empty Shlaney's pockets a little bit and uh you get 16 more gold um 16 and she says oh thanks for playing uh i think i'm done for the night i wink at tootie and i'm like i wink at tootie and i'm like see got you to gamble after all gotta save the rest for the rest of the trip you know And she like nervously kind of Shoes you away Six days you're gonna have a lot of gold So you give me some Yeah I give him let's see I'll give him

How much do you think that you deserve For that Really only the five That were ill gotten They were ill-gotten. They were ill-gotten? I don't think so. That guy deserved to have his pockets emptied and you know it. But you know what? I'm going to give you six. I give him six gold. That's very generous.

Thank you. Remind me again, you're just going to wait until you see a charity and then give it to these guys? Yes. You can hold on to it if you want. That's alright. We'll make you feel better to have it. That want that's alright we'll make you feel better to have it that's fine with me Muhammad thanks you

as Tootie and Iva sort of have a midwestern guilt off about who gets to keep the gold Nathan and Jelf and Danny all come back below deck and you meet up again in the hallway realizing of course you no longer have a guard in your room.

Hey, guys, how'd it go with the bees? I heard something. We heard people talking about bees. They're fine. They attacked Danny. All right. Well, off we go. There were no real bees.

Yeah, I got it. Wink. It was just a scam to get them to leave us alone. I got it. Wink. It was just a scam to get them to leave us alone. I made it up. I'll see if I have any calamine lotion inside my pack to help you with your bee

swells. No, sir, you don't understand. There were no bees at all. They were just a figment of my imagination. Nathan gives him a big wink. This is a fun group. I don't understand the wink. Oh my god. I feel uncomfortable.

I think he likes you. They bring the city guard down the hallway at one point. You guys retire to your room. You do hear a series of knocks on each door as they go down the hallway and a knock back that sounds very uniform you think what's happening is the city guard in each room is responding with a knock who's good with performance like they're about

you know two or three doors away from you as you all realize this. This rabbit seems like he's got a knack for hearing things. Oh, I was kidding. He also has ears, yeah. I, too, have experience with performance. I, too, can change myself. I'm not so performative-minded. If someone's better at it, I would defer. I think that if we see some guards, get ready to kick them in the nards.

It is my fault that we had to dispatch that gentleman, so I will take responsibility. All right. Is it? I feel like someone else started that fight, but... I drew the first blow. I'm Jelf the Yop. You all hear You hear a very sharp On the door

You're gonna go for it Danny you're gonna knock back Yes I knock back Do a deception check please Not performance deception Okay I got a plus three to that though too Oh wow I am rolling high a plus three to that, though, too. Oh, wow. I am rolling high.

17 plus three. Damn. Yep. You hear the move right onto the next door. You guys have bought yourself a night of no suspicion in your room. There's also an extra bunk. So if your Finch would like its own bunk tonight, it's a little roomy in the sleeping quarters. Everybody Fin own bunk tonight. It's a little roomy in the sleeping quarters.

Everybody Finch bunk tonight. She prefers to sleep with me. Yeah, I mean, are you all going to go to sleep tonight? Is there any investigating or discussion? I would love to hear stories of other people's adventures. I haven't had many adventures. Yeah, I mean, you all showed up to Clottenheim for adventure,

and it was actually not what you expected. No, it was what they, a shit show, I have heard. So you've been to a shit show. You've seen a weekend at Bernie's and a shit show. I've never seen a shit show until I saw Claude and Hyde. I saw one in Tijuana. I said I didn't. They said, yeah, you wanna.

I came to Claude and Hyde to help, and I sort of almost immediately saw everything on fire and got on another boat. That is also my story. Oh my god. Alright, so you retire for the the evening you kind of snuggle up uh at one point uh at the night uh cc the seas seem to get a little rough uh i'm gonna have

everybody do a we'll do a perception check from everybody while you sleep perception while i sleep yeah this dude has a fucking shit ton of bonuses like every like wisdom and charisma based one i mean the only shit that i don't have bonuses is like Arcana and history and nature. I like the Wood Elf. Wood Elf Monk is great, yeah. Wood Elf Monk was fun. Good choice. All right.

Perception, I'm sorry. Yeah, and Chris wanted to ask something. Dan, are we doing the thing where the house rule, where if you are proficient in that skill, you're rolling with advantage? Great question. Nope. We're going to go ahead and get rid of that house rule from previous seasons. It caused just too much confusion.

So we're just going to go ahead and add your... If you have proficiency, you don't get advantage, but you do have a proficiency bonus. So there is a number you should be adding that says proficiency. So I am trying to change the way I frame when you roll advantage so you roll advantage more often, but it's not a part of a proficiency bonus. Proficiency bonus is already added to the bonus number, though,

on D&D Beyond. Right. So if you're all using D&D Beyond, it's all taken care of. But you only have a proficiency bonus if you have the P next to it, right? Correct. It's a round circle. Right. have the P next to it, right? Correct. It's a round circle. Right. It's like filled in circle, yeah.

As opposed to... It depends if you're looking at the printed out version of it or... Printed out. There's like a P in a circle. Yeah. Which is how I got into my fraternity. But the bonus is already... I'm just saying the bonus is already included.

Jesus Christ. Epic kegapy. Strike me as a frat guy, but... I wasn't. Well, now it's canon. You were. And you gave us a chance to get there. You're never going to be in the cemetery to rewind.

What's going in your Wikipedia entry? But I'm just saying the bonus, just so people are looking at it, that they're not adding on top the proficiency bonus. They don't need to worry about that. What did you guys all roll on your perception check? I only got an eight, but I'd love to do an investigation when I get a chance. Well, right now you're proficient.

I had a 15, so 15 plus five is 20. I rolled a 19 and then plus three. Okay. 20 plus two. I mean, sorry, 18 plus two, 20. Five. Great. Those of you who rolled a 20 wake up everyone else is asleep so uh i believe that is snuggled up with that bird that rabbit is so cute you guys but tootie and tootie and jelf you both sort of bolt up um you hear uh the sound of a tootie there's a storm outside and it sounds like something

dragged against the bottom of the boat. Oh. Like we're going to sink? Maybe. I like the sound of that maybe. It instills a lot of confidence in these unprecedented times. You hear, you know, some quiet footsteps in the hallway and then a few more footsteps.

What do you do? How long have we been at sea now? This is your first night at sea. Okay. So it sounded like damage or we hit a rock or a creature? Something dragged against the bottom of the boat, yeah. Something's dragging against the bottom of the boat.

It's just two of you right now. Hmm. Did it sound damaging? Did it sound like a thump? Can we... Do we... You're not sure. It just woke you up. Should we go check it out, do you think? Yeah, we could, yeah. I'm very quick and... Is Danny not awake too,

Dan? Nope. What did you roll? A 19 three oh i'm sorry i just heard the 19 uh sorry brian everyone else did the math and so i just got confused oh i'm sorry uh yeah can i uh go over to the door and open the door or is it locked are we locked inside here first of all first of all uh i need to answer brian, you're awake. So there's three of you awake. Yeah, you can open the door. Okay. I'm going to open the door and see if anybody is noticing what's going on.

Can I... Do an investigation check. Do I know where the crew is hanging out? First roll your investigation check. 15. And then we'll get into all your other questions. 15, 12, and 3. Yes.

It's quiet right now there's no one in the hallway you see a couple of doors are open okay uh so do i do i know where the crew hangs out do i know where the captain is yeah so the the the refugees all went through a door in the middle of the ship but the captain and the crew go through a separate door from the top deck that's right underneath the steering wheel as it were. Can I knock on this door? You'd have to go up on deck. Oh, okay.

I'm going to go up on deck. Danny follows. Yeah, we're all going together, I guess. I guess we're still sleeping, but you know, that's... I'm going to get you so you don't drown. Those of you who are sleeping, do another perception check.

These perception checks were brought to you by Diet Charmin. Wipe the pounds away with Diet Charmin. 21. Damn. Danny can stay. Danny can stay and guard the sleeping his sleeping friends okay while these

two guys I'll make a note of that where's everybody else's uh we're still waiting for another roll from Sarah no I said 15 so I'm still sleeping I guess you are still sleeping uh this time everybody except for Iva hears us Iva is still zonked

uh and Tootie and Jelf you hear this well This time, everybody except for Iva hears us. Iva is still zonked. And Tootie and Jelf, you hear this well. But you hear what sounds like a woman screaming up on deck. And then those of you who go up on deck, it's starting to get a little louder. The storm is bad. The storm is also kind of, the storm is also like, like kind of making it hard to see, but you feel like there's just

one person on the deck and there's a lot fewer lifeboats than you remember attached to the sides of the ship. There used to be four, uh, big lifeboats and there's only one left that you see. I would wake up Iva. Whoever's still asleep in the room, I'll wake up. Are there any lifeboats at all?

It looks like there's a woman in the lifeboat trying desperately to untie it and lower it off the side of the boat. Let's go and reserve a spot there. Put our name on the list. Go back and make sure that we're all kind of together. This new... I'll stay here with the lifeboat. Do an athletics check.

It looks like she's trying to leave without you. So do an athletics check to run and stop her. Get her, Patootie. I could do that, too. I'm very fast. That's a 20, 26. Oh, shit.

Nice. I got a 13. Okay. So you don't quite make it there, but 2D, you get there, and the woman is finished untying. The boat is lowering, and she yells up,

Sorry! She's like about 10 feet away from you at this point. You see the boat has about 40 different refugees in it, about six different city guards. What the hell? Well, that looks like that's gone. So I'm running around down. I'm banging on doors trying to wake people up

because I think the ship's going down. All the rooms are empty. Oh. Dun, dun, dun. How did we sleep through this? Did they slip something into our Carl's Jr.? It seems like the city guards all escorted their passengers out. They probably...

We didn't have a city guard. So, Tootie, yeah, you just see it sort of, like, disappear in the rain just in time. in the rain just in time. You do see the city guards kind of like look up and kind of like make eye contact with you for a second. They're kind of shocked that there's anyone left

on the boat. Yeah, they're like, oh. I guess Byron didn't check in. They're all kind of like, oh right, Byron. What happened to Byron? I'm up on deck. Can we yell down're all kind of like, all right, Byron, what happened to Byron? Can I, I'm up on deck. Can we yell down?

Can we be like, what's, what's going on? Where are you going? By the time the rest of you get up on deck, all the lifeboats are well out of view.

You do, you do hear, however, maybe you hear this, maybe you don't. Why don't everybody do one more perception check? I didn't hear it. All right. Yeah, silence on my end.

13. 8. Oh, man. 5. There's your fucking... Plus 3. Finally, retribution for all the 20s what'd you get jelf 11 is what i got the ocean isn't like the woods i don't like this it ain't goods none of you can tell exactly what is going on with the boat and why you've all been left

alone on this rather large schoonerini uh schooneroni uh schooner but you do like despite being unable to tell if the boat is sinking or what's going on i hear a noise uh coming from the ocean water my god we're gonna be attacked by steven Seagal. Yeah, you all sort of kind of like look over the side of the boat, right? Just to... One of you, do you want to check it out? Danny looks.

Cool. And on that note, we'll see what happens next time on Nerd Poker. Hey, Sam. God damn it. What do you think happened? Oh, thank you, Dan.

If you're a new listener to the show, welcome. I'm glad you're joining our adventure. If you're an old listener, I'm sure you'll share my fear that we're about to set this boat on fire while we're all still on it. And just to make sure, someone is a rabbit, someone has a pet bird, and someone can talk to animals? Yep. It's like you're playing this game just for me.

I am concerned, based off our previous journeys, that noise we heard in the water is a door. Yeah, we're in trouble if it's a door. I don't think it's a door. I think we're already fucked. I love that you guys stuck yourselves alone on this boat. One final note. If you're a new listener, I understand that everyone plays Dungeons & Dragons a little different.

That thing earlier where we immediately attacked a guard who was assigned to help us, that's how we play the game. Pretty standard for us, yeah. A mid-introduction stab. All right, well, i just want to thank uh well we we have we have uh all sorts of fun stuff coming up here on the podcast but uh i'm definitely trying some new audio stuff i i hope you guys enjoyed uh some of the live stuff i have a i have a soundboard now very cool that i'm streaming over zoom and i would like to uh thank kaylin west kaylin west uh made a bunch

of ambient sounds and sound effects uh and hook me up with this soundboard so thank you kaylin uh for for hooking nerd poker up with that uh that was actually she was doing it uh an ocarina emulator that was her playing the ocarina when you first got on the boat uh but uh yeah uh that's that's uh that's a fun new thing for this season that i can do are we gonna have a season now like i feel like we already killed wait we're all gonna die we're third level dudes and we're going to fight a fucking... Guaranteed that you were alone on a boat while a sea monster attacks. It's just... It's amazing. All because I was trying to be nice to Chris's new rabbit guy.

I wanted to protect him. Me too. We'll find out what that means for our crew very soon. Oh, and I do do stand up on Twitch right now. If you could check me out at twitch.tv slash Telford Dan, that'd be great. I had a bunch of people pop in last night just to tell me how much they love Blaine on the podcast and how funny Blaine is. Oh, gosh. Although a couple of people did say, hey, Dan, how much do you like it when players interrupt you on nerd poker?

And I was like, hey, you know what? That reminds me of a thing that happened to me once. Brian, you got anything you want? Sorry, were you talking, Dan? Yeah, September 19th, RushTix.com. I am performing with my buddy, Johnny Taylor. And then there's going to be some music and hanging out. And we're going to try to make it feel like a real green room,

and I'll answer questions and toast, alcohol, and that kind of thing. Wait, Brian, do you like Rush Tix? What? Do you like Rush Tix, Brian? Rush Tix? It's Rush Tix. Oh. Rush Tix.

Oh, Rush Tix. T-I-X. Oh, okay, okay. Dot com. All right. Oh, those. Thanks for listening. Anything going on with Stacy Keats, dude?

Oh, Stacy Keats and I are doing a gourd spell. It's Godspell for Canadians. Check it out on Zoom. Thanks for listening. Thanks for listening to another episode of Nerd Poker. You can follow us at patreon.com slash nerdpoker, and you get bonus episodes from there. And you can also send us anything at P.O. Box 16069,

Encino, California, 91416. Thanks for listening.