Nerd Poker - S4E10 Guild Trip

Episode Date: November 17, 2020

Our super-friendly band of heroes continue their quest to make a good impression on the gritty, coastal town of Blingbottom by cruising for side missions, and they may just make a name for themselves.

Hey everybody, I'm Brian Pussain, Comedian, writer, actor, nerd. I've been playing D&D with my friends for a long time. I decided to do a new podcast where we play Dungeons & Dragons in my very own dining room. With my wife, kid, and my noisy dogs. So meet my friends... Sarah Kev Dan

Lee Chris Now it's time for another episode of Brian Pussain's Nerd Poker. Season 4. Hey, everybody. I'm Brian Pussain, and you're listening to Brian Pussain's Nerd Poker. Episode 10 of Season 4. Holy shit, my friends are here.

I see Dan. Hello, Dan. Hello. Ken. 10-4, good friends are here. I see Dan. Hello, Dan. Hello. Ken. 10-4, good buddy. Chris. Hello, hello, hello.

I see Blaine. Hold, we have a plane. Back to six. Nope, we're still going. Hey, buddy. Sarah. Hello, Sarah. Hello, Brian.

Where are you? In the southwest there? I mean, I think it's supposed to be like a Tuscan-style town. I was trying to go medieval town, but I was in a rush. I was more looking at the sky, but yeah, I see that there. And then, hey, look who we have. Hello, Sam. Hello, spooky apparitions.

Where's your dog? Oh, don't grab him. There he is. Sound asleep until two seconds. Dogs are the best. He's like, what the fuck? Oh, God. They're always down for anything.

Dogs. I should do that to Mavis right now and just pick her up and put her in my lap. Hey, Dan. Yes, Brian. By the time this airs, we've already passed Halloween and voting day.

Is there something to be thankful? Is there like a holiday coming up? Oh, coming up. there's cornucopias there's pumpkin pie can we thank some people for that deep fried turducken no i'm going through a list of everything to be thankful for we'll get to the people in a second there's cranberry sauce you know what i'm bored with that idea let's actually get to the people thank you patreon supporters at our hey boss and stargoyle level you go by patreon names like jrrr

huffing stuff dds thank you thank you caca motherfucker thanks thank you you're welcome but mr roboto was my father

layers on layers thank you jonathan Thank you. You're welcome, but Mr. Roboto was my father. Layers on layers. Thank you, Jonathan Meyer. Thanks, Jonathan. Thank you, Chuck Mangione's Flugelhorn. Oh, I was thinking about that today. Thanks, Chuck. Thank you, Broken Pine Glass. Thanks.

Thank you, Sweet Heat Dorito Tits. Whoa, you lost me with the Dorito. Well, some of us are on board all of a sudden. Thank you, Fart Simpson. Thank you, Jeremy Rossman. Thanks, Jeremy. Thanks, Jeremy. Thank you, Panthro's Bulge.

Thanks. Panthro's Bulge has been with us a long time, and I would just like to say thank you, Panthro's Bulge, for. Ooh, thanks. Panthro's Bulge has been with us a long time, and I would just like to say thank you, Panthro's Bulge, for committing to a bit I don't understand and haven't for years, but I enjoy every time. I give it five snarks. Panthro's Dick. Thank you, WiffleDiffle69.

I get that bit. Well, it's a Skeletor's Dick reference, right? Yeah. We're talking 80s cartoon. Totes. Totes. Anyway, just going to want to throw it back to WiffleDiffle, right? Yeah. We're talking 80s cartoon. Totes. Totes. Anyway, just going to want to throw it back to WiffleDiffle69. Thanks, WiffleDiffle69.

Thank you. Thanks, WiffleDiffle69. Now that one I don't get. In your heart of hearts, I believe you might. Thank you, Sam Gibson. Thank you, Bixie Tinkertonk. Thank you. Thank you, QuasiDano.

Thank you, KD Campbell. Thank you, Hal-am. Thanks. Thank you, CorasiDano. Thank you, KDCampbell. Thank you, Halium. Thank you, Corpus Calisum. Thank you, TikTok's Mechanical Boy Parts. Oh, there they are again. Thank you, Salacious Grimlock. Thank you. Thank you,

TikTok's Downstairs Mix-Up. And finally, thank you, My Wife Keeps Up via Sam's Recaps. Aww. Yeah! and finally thank you my wife keeps up via sam's recaps oh yeah camera's off so it's like oh i hope you heard this one my wife i just saw borat again you guys so i'm gonna do that for another six years you re-watched the first one or you saw the second one i just saw part two so now i'm

gonna do it for six years like i did last time i don't think he says it in the second one no but but it made me think of it and remember how much i loved it oh fucking when i got married doug benson said it's so many days or so many times at my wedding the whole yeah well yeah that's true everybody was saying that at my wedding. That was the gag. Yeah, Comedy Bang Bang did it like three times a week for like two years. Hey, Blaine, who is

Borat 2 brought to us by? Borat 2 brought to you by Arid Extra Dye Salted Caramel and of course Dracula Zoom making the holidays in your living room suck your blood

if you go to the correct address Dracula Zoom also brought to you by fire fire bad Dan thank you blaine that reminds me of one of the funniest stupid bits i've ever witnessed which was um i don't know if you guys know uh the best show on wfmu with tom sharpling but um he had this bit where he talked about what if there was a search engine called drack search

which was just like Google, except when you go to dracsearch.com and then you type in your search elements and you get the exact same search results as Google, except you hear through your computer speakers, bleh, like every time. Gives you bleh. And while he was talking about it on the air,

somebody made it. Somebody actually bought the domain and created like a skin of Google that would go bleh every time you would hit enter on your search. The internet is like ham radio that everybody's tapped into. It's a ham radio vibe. It is. And you know what else has a ham radio vibe? Sam, you want to hit record on this

sam this whoa attention sam can you hit record please and three two hit record okay hey what's happening oh you got to restart the podcast brian for some bit that blaine's doing i don't know why i'm sorry uh i went outside and yelled at the guy for a minute. Who isn't these days? Oh, boy, oh, boy. The world that this we're recording, what, three weeks in advance? Who knows what world this one? It is October 29th. It either went really well and shit, crazy, crazy shit happened, or it went really terribly.

Right. Crazy, crazy shit happened. Whoever's listening to this, we don't know who won. It could be like a good result that still resulted in shittiness. So it's like, that's why I'm doing horrible bits, you guys, to try to distract everybody from what's happening. We're just going to do this live in a tent city

at some point anyway. Oh my God. I welcome that day. Just kidding. All right. I think I'm going to go ahead and get to What Happened Last Time on Nerd Poker. Our season five heroes discussed what they might want to be called eventually.

It sounds like cinnamon rolls. We were just trying to remind the Dungeon master what kind of breakfast treat it was over and boy oh boy i remember they came to a couple of real fun ones that nobody liked i was what was like one of them was like the cute five or some shit like the cute anyway you cutesy fuckers just got your names known in blingom a bit by donating some time at a local temple where the homeless were being attended to and also by gambling and soaking everybody of their bent cards. The local gambling game in Davenglaven.

What will our heroes get up to? Will they go on a quest for bahamut's mythical hammer will they go hang out at belaris's temple some more and just fucking kick it with some homeless folks we're about to find out so yeah you guys um i believe you're known as as the good time cutesy quintuplets. And yeah, you, of course, are aware that there is a sort of mythical hammer you could be going after. There's a phylactery of the evil, you know, guy up to the north. It doesn't matter how he came to being. But in the meantime, yeah,

there's a lot of stuff going on sort of in Blingbottom, for instance. Did we land on a name? I don't think we landed on a name. No, you didn't. Not at all. I think the Castaways Castaway Cuties is the one that Dan was referring to. I don't like that. Again, as

soon as you guys mentioned Castaway Cuties, the bartender took a second from wiping down her pint glass and went, oh, catchy, and went back to it. I love it. I like Nice Five better than that. Yeah, well, Nice Five, people keep suggesting

Nice Five on social media like they came up with it and saying you're welcome, and it's very funny. I'm going to say Nice Five. Because they were saying it simultaneously with us saying, we just hadn't aired the episodes correct it came up pretty quickly but now people are still doing it and i think they'll catch up next week like in the timeline that we're publishing them yeah i nice five makes me laugh uh but it doesn't make sense for them for these guys to call themselves that, but

it's kind of meta. It's parallel development. Castaway Cuties is what I'm writing down. No. Tofutti Castaway Cuties. I don't like that one. Rudy Tutti, Fresh and Castaways.

Should we go to that guy's shack today? Dan, why you gotta work blue? Nope. Why would we go to that guy's shack today? Dan, why you gotta work blue? Nope. Why would we go to his shack? Oh yeah, Kurt's shack. It just seemed interesting. The little dude told us not to go there. Verge said...

Verge was really into how you guys were all... sounded like you wanted to get into some gambling and some mischief and bling bottom. And he was like, you wouldn't like Kurt's kurt shack he's a goody two shoes but you did uh you know have some intel from your friend danny who uh scoped it out in the middle of the night and uh you saw what looked like a friendly-looking gnome poke his head out of Kurt's shack at one point. Oh, yeah. Maybe before we go anywhere, it might be worth us for a moment. Like, we're just sort of people who met on a boat.

We were sort of all stranded together, but I don't necessarily know that we're all of a mind of what's next. Does that make sense? Totally. Danny likes everybody. What would you guys like to do? Is it okay if I join? Oh, that took a turn. Yes, I like everyone very much.

I thought we were all doing great. Yeah. Getting along famously I mean I was just out for adventure anyway so certainly here is fine we did hear that thing about the phylactery is that what it's called

if we want to try to save good old Clottenheim where we fled from that's a potential thing that we could work towards so we could just explore this cool island nation it's true i mean there is of course a chance that the you know arch lich that has taken over klottenheim could set his eyes to the south um but there's also perhaps evil and uh adventure on david glaavin itself that you could find out.

I would like to do whatever we can to help magic. I feel like I'm here to try and right some wrongs and set magic in a better way, if possible. I certainly enjoy traveling with all of you. I say we can have some fun. One for all and all for five. Danny just wants to help people in whatever form.

Well, I believe there's sort of three ways that you could go about this you could seek out a local person you could go out and smite monsters or

you could take something you've done so far and build on it so locally you've already spent a lot of time in the temple, the temple of Baralysis. Baralysis is a good dragon god, and Dany has gotten in good with the priests there, but Dany also had some help from Jelfin Tootie. So you guys sort of have a presence there,

and you could maybe find out what they want to do. Also, Nathan has just expressed some interest in maybe checking out Kurt and his little shack. You also probably could... Am I wrong, Nathan? I don't know what that means. That was me. Was that you?

I thought Nathan had said something we could look about that little shack, but I think that was Iva. You guys have such similar voices. It's true. But yeah, there's also the Lord's... And what was the magic item that somebody was talking about too?

Wasn't there some other... I mean, there's a few magic. Oh, you mean the Bahamut's hammer? Yeah. Or was that a joke? No. Okay. What's the story with that?

It's called Bahamut's Fury. You could ask locally about where to find it. You could go sit out looking for it, but it is a mythical weapon rumored to be in Davin Glavin. Get it with chicken, pork, or beef. I was about to say you could also investigate the Lord's Keep. There is sort of like the Lord of Blingbottom who has a large keep in the center of town.

So if you didn't feel up to doing any of those other things. It seems like that temple could use some help. Yeah, I mean. Of course, Nathan and I haven't been to it yet. So you guys all relay to everybody else what was going on there. Yeah, from what they told us, it sounds like that was like a lot of donating and healing the sick. Right. I was like, that's cool for you guys.

But maybe there's another mission. It seemed real mellow. Bring your sick baby kit. I agree, but is there something else that perhaps we could do for them, something big or a bigger quest? Something's making everyone sick, right? This town seems to be accursed. People are just normal sick, aren't they?

Dan? You didn't get the sense that they were necessarily cursed, although it is sort of like a poverty stricken town where there is a certain amount of disease that uh you were curing let's go to the shack ask kurt about the tank to give us a scoop on the town and the lord then we can go to the lord and we can be like hey do you have what's going on do you need anything we're just a band of uh nice adventurers looking for ways to help and then maybe

he'll send us off in a direction. But before we do that why don't we see one of the townspeople like this goody two-shoes Kurt. Yeah, that sounds good. I agree with that. Let's go to the shack. Let's all go to the shack. Great.

How's it feel? So you guys head out Let's all go to the shack. Great. Kurt Shack. How's it feel? You guys head out of, I believe you're in like the sort of tavern breakfast area of Lost Fingers. And you head out to Kurt Shack. Kurt Shack is a very, very humble looking building that is almost like a little cottage it looks like it's kind of ramshackle it's made of wood has little clay tiles on the roof looks like it was built

by a small person for a small person in the middle of downtown bling bottom so near the center of town there's just this like like on the south end of downtown this little shack and it says in a very small handwritten sign, but like written sort of elegantly on it, Adventurers Guild. That sounds interesting. It's not like a Games Workshop vibe, is it?

What about Goody Ten Shoes? I don't know the reference hobby lobby yes oh yeah we knock on the door perfect great uh you knock on the door and a kindly gnome opens the door. It's just a little forest gnome. He introduces himself to you guys. His name is Kurt Bezeltuk. He is kind of older, but he's got armor on. He's got a very well-oiled curly handlebar mustache. His armor is not bad, but it looks a little old

and he starts shaking all your hands and says welcome welcome thank you so much clearly adventurers to Blinkbottom good good come in come in and he's got like a little desk set up and there's

like a board behind him full of adventures and there's a series of upholstered chairs sort of like in a semicircle in front of his desk. He says, please, please have a seat. Are you here for work? Yeah, we were going to see

what's going on in this town. We sort of ended up here by accident, but sometimes that's the best way to end up somewhere. Hmm. I see. By accident. Yes, Blingbottom is mostly a town of mercenaries and robbers and thieves and crooks. So I'm very grateful that you would choose to visit the Blingbottom Adventurers Guild.

A lot of people come in here, but most of them don't take it very seriously. Adventurers Guild. It's kind of my thing what sort of adventures not a lot of members anyway oh do goodery haha uh artifact recovery the overturning of evil do you have a recent artifact that you've found or that you're looking for? Well, of course, I would love to find the Lost Hammer of Bahamut. Most folks in Davin

Glavinwood, that is here under the very hard section of the Adventurers Guild list of adventurers behind me. If you like, we could start with something easier, perhaps something medium difficulty. I think what he asked was, what have you found? Like, what's a recent acquisition that this adventurers club has succeeded upon? Kind of chews his lip a little bit.

Says, well, a little low on adventurers these days. You know, keeping our expectations low, but our optimism high. That's the spirit. I like it. So you haven't really had any adventures thus far. Oh, I once found the jeweled sword of Lycanthropes. This is deep in the jungle many years ago. I once found the lost ring of Kalan Ki.

I once found the shield of the Hydra. It's been about 10 years, though, since I can say I found an artifact, per se. Not since I've set up the Adventurer's Guild, especially not since I've been to Blingbottom. These are all sort of my adventures before the guild. Do you still have these things? Not the things I just mentioned in particular, but they're great stories. And they passed through my hands. I rescued them after eons of them being

lost in time and now people do have them and they do use them and those people are very successful but they got them from me so Where are you from originally? My fellow forest noob I am from the north a land called Peppergreen

We've heard of Peppergreen You oh we've heard of pepper green you as players have heard of them as characters only in passing I don't think any of you have specifically ventured to pepper green although you've been to Clottenheim some of you more briefly than others I had a crazy summer in Clottenheim

what was that kind to you? How much do you know about Bahamut's hammer? Oh, I do know it is somewhere here in Davenglaven. There are many rumors and he kind of walks over to a map and he

kind of shows you the map. I believe it is somewhere here and he points to a large lake that is in the sort of east side. He says, Mega Lake Pangodon. Mega Lake Pangodon has a sunken city in it that I believe its people have acquired the hammer and they are keeping it as a source of power that fuels their city. And that's near the peaks of Cray Cray?

Yes. The Mega Lake is just south of the peaks of Cray Cray. So I'm looking at this thing on the map here trying to figure out what's going on. What kind of people are they?

Are they underwater people? Yes, they are aquatic folk. They do not come above the land except to, say, steal weak creatures beneath the megalake's surface and drown them and feast upon their flesh, that sort of thing. Are they like Wes Anderson aquatic or are they like Jason Momoa aquatic? Somewhere in between,

not quite stop motion animation, but more realistic than the CGI and Jason Momoa aquatic. Okay. I don't know why he just didn't get his hair cut. That would make no sense underwater, having long hair. Neither would dyeing your hair bright red,

but what are you going gonna do you know uh what about something closer what if we started kind of closer in what's a it's a good medium medium level quest if you will that's uh close close to bling bottom something in upsy pinesy maybe oh well of course, of course I know the Lord of Blingbottom has some business in Upsy Pinesy. Over here in my medium section, we've got, let's see, it says clean, clean old man, Barumbe's studio apartment. So one of the waitresses at Lost Fingers

will go out with him. That's one of my medium quests. I don't have a lot of medium quests um i i do under hard have the top thing i would like i mean we could yes there's harder stuff we could try to overthrow the lord of bling bottom i would like to do that he's very corrupt uh that is certainly a hope i have uh one day but that's under hard should we like just do a sweep of the lower part of the continent and work ourself our way up like and try to do it in a methodical way i'm looking at the map i'm sorry like uh uh upsea pinesy and then we can go up north across the river up and

to do the uh the uh the lake uh pentagon thing uh like pentagon yeah like what's the deal with the the like Pentagon thing. Like Pentagon. Yeah. What's the deal with the Lord? Why is he so bad? He's sort of like a crime boss, if you will. He's the reason Blingbottom suffers. He subjugates everyone. He consolidates power. He lords it over everyone,

just like you would think a corrupt lord would. He's disgusting. But, you know, he runs everything, so it's pretty tough. You'd have to take him out, so to speak. Find one of his weaknesses. I've been studying some of his weaknesses, but haven't found anyone to help me lately. So, you know, it's doable. But if you want, we could go over some of the easy quests that build up to it I have here save

lady mesramine's dog from the copper mines help the thieves guild run their annual bake sale there's all sorts of other stuff we could do first I mean he tells you a few things so should we just maybe go down

and take this guy out and then just like I said just move our ourselves north up through all these various screens uh he does he does think that you could sort of um trick he tells you uh the lord of of bling bottom by doing business with him but betraying him um he also says most of the leads he has on how to get uh the bahamas hammer have to do with going north he says bling bottom is a very poor town but there's some intel in the city to the north flaza cola uh there's supposed to be some order of monks that know how to get Bahamut's hammer safely from... They've been working on how to get the hammer safe.

So he tells you, like, oh, you could go north if you want some help on just getting right to Bahamut's hammer. Okay. Should we split an order of monks, you guys? I want mine plain. I don't like Cajun style. Okay. That's cool Just We can get two

Oh alright Alright yeah let's do it Where's the Well it seems like the hammer Is the most Clearly defined Should we just Go for that hammer first

And it'll make everything else easier Maybe I'm interested in the hammer Like Chudi Do you think That's like a weapon Should we just go for that hammer first and it'll make everything else easier? Maybe. I'm interested in the hammer. Like, Trudy, do you think that's like a weapon you would wield? I would imagine. Perhaps. Are you a follower of the- I am.

Oh, well, then that makes, yeah, maybe. I don't know if that's the first thing we want to do or he does he does give you just the information that there is some group of monks yeah let's in in flasicola who know who know about the hammer um if you want to if you want to skip over everything and in bling bottom uh but yeah i'm saying we we start in Bling Bottom, we go up through Upsy Pine Z, and then end up in the lake, in the peaks of Cray Cray. And we just take every...

We just suck up all the badness in our wake. Yeah. And have fun along the way. That's what I think. Like an executioner spree. Yeah. Like natural born fun. Sorry, I might just turn on our squeaky air conditioner.

I'll be right back. I was like, is he joking? No, he's leaving. Danny's up for anything. I mean, we could do the hammer hammer we could do something on the way to the hammer is there stuff we can do here the monks

what we find on the way right but was our DM kind of hinting that we could do stuff here too for this guy or I mean you definitely feel like if you did these quests there would be some sort of reward so you could just sort of be like oh if you want to you could be like oh what's that monks okay get fucked dummy and then just go north to flazacola

um but also like i mean you could skip right ahead to just trying to overthrow the lord and it would still pay off it would still give you some sort of reward. Hmm. What's the general consensus we should do quickly, though, and maybe we can get into something tonight? Well, I vote for monks and the lake and whatever is on the way. Sarah, what are you thinking?

Sounds good to me. Blaine? I like to fill in all the spaces. I like to fill in all the spaces. I like to fill in all the places. Okay. 70s sitcom opening song there. What's Nathan thinking up there? Yeah, this is the one where I was married to Lauren Tweese

and then she died in a car accident. We of Purple Land don't have a strong sense yet. So, yeah, sure. Let's go to the monks. Danny. Yeah, I mean. And we can. Oh, yeah.

So rescue the dog or something first. Would Danny know anything about these monks? Has he heard anything about? Would I have any? Roll a history check. Yeah. Oh, 20. yeah i mean you do believe you've heard of an order of monks that lives in flazicola um they are known as the filament of dongle okay who do they known as the filament of dongle okay

who do they what do they practice who do they worship or they're you know fighting monks they worship the Bahamut God of Davin Glavin

known as Baralysis. Okay. Cool. Are all these religions kind of tied together? Are they all like divisions of bigger religions? I mean, Baralysis is very much like related to Bahamut specifically, but no, not necessarily.

There's something of a pantheon here, but some of it seems not related to my guy labeled as Xanareth. No. Cool. Well, Danny's down. I feel like everyone's down for something. Yeah, let's head towards the monks.

See if we can help them or see what they're up to. I don't mind doing a mini mission that he wants us to do. Yeah. Like rescue the dog from the mines or whatever. Yeah. That's fun. Danny didn't even hear that one.

I love dogs. Yeah, let's get the dog out of the mine, you guys. I'm not cleaning some guy's apartment, though. That's for sure. Yeah, he did say there is an easy mission. You save Lady Mesramane's dog from the copper mines. Lady Mesramane's

dog is named Tinklefoot, and it got lost in the copper mines to the north, just on the border of the jungle. Wow. Lady Meserman would pay a lot of money if you could save Tinklefoot from the copper mines. How far away are the copper mines from where we are? They're just outside of town. Okay, let's do that, right?

Guys, do something. I'm up for it. Sure. I'm in. All right. All right. do something. I'm up for it. Sure. I'm in. Alright. Alright, well, Kurt goes, Oh, thank God! I've been hoping we would get that off the docket. Great.

So Lady Meservain is going to pay 1,000 gold for this if you can get Tinklefoot. But it should be easy. The thing is that everybody kind of hates Lady Meservain at Blink Bottom. So, you know, nobody's really interested. A few people have brought other dogs that she has figured out were not actually her dogs.

Is this her? Oh, yeah. The mission's over. You found Tinklefoot. He won! By presenting your real-life dog, Licky, I, the Dungeon Master, by the rules of Dungeons & Dragons, must concede that you have finished this dog rescuing mission. life dog Licky I the dungeon master by the rules of Dungeons and Dragons must concede that you have finished this dog rescuing mission thanks Licky you won

you won D&D Licky if something happened to this person would other people get mad if something happened to Lady Mesermane the woman who lost her dog would people get mad yeah I'm trying to like are there going to be repercussions if we take care of what we're supposed to take care of?

What are you saying? Sorry. No, don't be sorry. I just can't tell if you're talking about murdering an old lady. No, no, no. Of course. Of course I'm talking about murdering an old lady. You guys, who's in?

Come on, let's do it. Come on, let's do it. Come on, let's do it. Danny doesn't understand. Jelf. No, I'm just trying to figure out like a... It's hard to put into words. Yeah, I really am curious what you're getting at here. No, I wasn't sure if the things that we're doing right here,

if all these cities and everything are connected in a larger sense to the other lands that we're going to be adventuring to. That if we do something here, that it's going to have repercussions later that somebody would say, here's the nice nice five didn't you kill my sister's boyfriend and be like what the fuck I had no idea yeah but we

nice now which is get that we were trying to get her dog back so nobody can fault us for that unless the dog is does feel like I would have to be like a true bastard to hold to like to be like what you saved a lady's dog I'm definitely going to make all of your characters undead

um you know I Dan thing I'm not as on the rails as all that now I here's what I'll say there's definitely going to be like a sort of this world is dynamic and will shift based on your choices

I'm not going this is not going to have necessarily huge consequences to do these side missions but truly you will get information uh connections and and rewards for doing these so like if you wanted to go straight to the north i will the the sort of consequence of not helping anybody or connecting with anybody in bling bottom is you're going to be lower level and have less stuff when you go to sort of like this next piece of it. You won't have any, a lot of information you won't really know, except for the fact that you got a high history role from then.

You won't even know, know anything besides the name of this monastic order. So you would just kind of, okay, so let's go get the dog and we'll start there it'll probably balloon into some larger thing as it is want to do so let's go

I kill the dog I'm kidding about killing the dog you guys that would be very nerd poker I suppose oh my god okay well uh stop and get some liver you guys uh show up at the copper mine so uh kurt yeah he shakes all your hands he says this

is a thousand gold so a thousand gold five ways or however you want to split it but um that's a significant amount of gold and also lady mes remain would be very grateful and welcome you to her manor and want to talk to you. Although again, word on the street, even the way Kurt, who's very nice and gregarious describes Lady Mesramane, she sounds like kind of a pill.

She sounds like kind of like a crazy old bat who lives in this manor and it's falling into disrepair, but she's sitting on a pile of money and would love to meet somebody who saved her dog Tinklefoot, who is named Tinklefoot because one time when he was going tinkle as a puppy it landed on his foot so uh you guys head just north uh near the edge of the jungle in dave and glaven so uh if you kind of look at the world map it's just like a little little quick jaunt up there not not quite close enough to the jungle where you feel immediately threatened by cronk the walking economy but you're aware

there's a giant stone face that devours bones and spits out coins just somewhere in the jungle um when you get to here i'm gonna go ahead and bring you to this map uh It's a copper mine. So you walk up some stairs. Rosanna, Rosanna. And there's a big hole. Oh. Oh, man. That's a big hole. Like carts or stairs or ladders or anything?

No. Looks abandoned. Looks like no one's gotten anything out of here in a while. Oh, Tinklefoot. Tinklefoot. Well, let's figure it out. How deep is it? Is there any way to get into it?

Any way to get out of it? Can we send a flashlight Not a flashlight but send a Does anyone have the power of flight Send something down send some light Down You could totally send some light down Well just to see

Like if we could get a torch And drop it down to see how far That could be done. How would you like to try? For a light spell? Yeah. Does anybody have a light spell? Or is there any other way of figuring out?

I mean, I could drop a torch. If you light a torch, I could throw it down the hole. I could do that. You all should be able, by the way, to move those tokens. It'll stay lit if we use a spell, but if no one has one, then no one has one. Yeah, or just in general, let's do an investigation check or whatever and check it out.

Yep. Yeah. Okay. Who would like to do what? Can I get over to the edge, and can I secure, like, tie myself up with a rope so i don't fall in i'll secure the rope around a rock or something uh danny wants to help and i'll kind of lower myself to a reasonable level i'll throw a torch down and see if i can see what's going on

okay you walk up to the edge uh feel free to move your tokens around in this extremely complicated map. Easily the map I've spent the most time on in all of our adventures. I'm really excited for you guys to visit this complicated map. Listeners, it's a hole in some stairs. So you walk up there, Blaine, and you light a torch. And you kind of chuck it down there. Why don't you choose. Chuck it on.

I'll word this slightly differently depending on what you choose, investigation or perception. I'm going to do investigation with this one. I'm going to be taking as much in as I can. Give me that roll. Give me that sweet cinnamon roll that's a 15 plus 3 is uh 18 great so you see this the torch kind of go clink clink clunk like it bounces off a couple of walls it's like a crooked tunnel that goes straight down you think you see some wooden stairs that were kind of carved uh like someone carved some notches and put like little chunks of wood little logs like into notches in this chamber it goes

down about 200 feet and then it seems to level off into some kind of floor you look in there and there's like there's like very like thin amount of water uh that the torch sort of sits in for a second and then hisses out it looks like maybe only a little bit of the torch managed to not go in the water but it lasts long enough for it doesn't seem like there's a monster down there um and there's definitely some kind of chamber at the bottom but about 200 feet and it's like this sort of crooked ladder stair that kind of goes that you could you could potentially feel your way around and everyone could climb down hey you guys i see a ladder let's go down but watch the water sorry i was trying to get a little baltimore at the end there for you guys it's like some torches all right yeah we go down yeah let's uh let's all

start like uh carefully going down and making sure that we're all secured and we don't lose our footing or anything. Okay, well, I will go ahead and switch the map to Copper Mine Part 2. Welcome to the Copper Mine. I'm just going to take a second to give everybody control of their little tokens. You know, like it's not a lot of room. You're all kind of wedged in this little chamber together. It's a little claustrophobic.

What would you like to do? You know, you all just climb down. So you're all kind of getting your bearings. Check out the tunnel. Yeah, we'll head west. Tunnel to the west? Alright, who's going first? I will go first.

All right, Tootie, please let us see your little token there. I'm going to kind of try to describe this for everybody. It's usually kind of a running order. It's looking kind of phallic, right? Yes, 100%, and I was about to say I don't like how it's bulbous at the tip of this curved passageway.

I don't like it at all. I don't know what you're talking about. Is round the default setting for passageways? I, again, don't know what you're talking about. We're leaving the balls or the pee-pee pool. Move people out of the way and I will take

a screenshot and we'll take this to the people. Okay, well, I guess I'll move everybody into the sack and you can show... He called it a sack. It must be the sack. I'm just assuming that that's what you mean. No, it he just did it. He called it a sack. It must be the sack. I'm just assuming that that's what you mean.

No, it's pointing at it. The wiener's pointing at the sack. It's the pee-pee pool. This is disgusting. You guys know I got religious this weekend, right? Like super religious. Okay, now that we've done this, we're going to go down the shaft.

Oh, my God. Hey, that's a- Watch your mouth. That idea is a bad mother- Blame. My wife. Jean-Cui. Talk about Michelle.

So, yeah, you head down the shaft. Hey, that's a bear. Jesus, look at it. This is a troubled shaft. I don't know what you're talking about again. It's very wholesome. Shaft of priapism. Dan, I don't think you're having a pandemic.

I think you're having a glandemic. It's bigger than any wang I've seen, so that's good. That's good? Well, yeah, it's starting to look less wang-like and more like a big noodle or something. Okay. Again, boldness at the tip, though.

What kind of noodle is that? The gross kind. Big fig noodle. What are we seeing? Well, I can't move for some reason. The map is malfunctioning. I think you're on the map level, Dan.

No, they all ended up on the map level for some reason. I can't move these blocks anymore. The roll 20 just mashed everything down So what I'm going to do is I'm just going to go ahead and like do like a

Like a thing where I just Shift the map Hey you guys I went to Palladino's on Sunday And I saw some Christian bands It was a Christian porn band It was a Christian porn band. I'm ready to eat.

It was Amy Grunt and Stripper. I love when Blaine kills time when I'm trying to cover it already. Then I'm like, well, I guess I will go fuck myself. You guys see this cave come around to this very non-head like chamber at the bottom. Yeah, see, now it's fine. Yeah. Well, that's because I cheated. It's a digestive tract.

And there's like a lot of just like sort of filth on the ground. There's like very mossy rocks. Looks like some trash. Looks like maybe some people came here to get high. There's like, you know, like food leaving stuff like that. Any sign of a dog? Do an investigation

check, everybody. Twinkle bottom. It's a tinkle foot. You know what I'm saying. 16. Who can beat a 15? Not me, 14. 12.

Chris, Brian, I don't think I heard your numbers. I said no, 11. Oh, okay. I was low, too. All you find is like at one point, Iiva everyone's kind of like like shrugging like they turn all the garbage over you uh at one point you find like some chicken bones and then like a larger bone how do we think it's the dog oh wait is noodles with us yeah noodles is Noodles is with you. Interesting. You're crawling with animals, Iva.

You've got Noodles on one shoulder. Can I ask a question? Are the bones digested or eaten or stripped or burned? Well, right now, you're just sort of seeing one bone sticking out of mealy, moldy trash. It could be a dog bone. It's just sticking out right now, like, you're just sort of seeing one bone sticking out of, like, sort of mealy, moldy trash. It could be a dog bone. It's just sticking out right now. Okay, I grab it and examine it. Okay, you kind of root around a little bit, and you find a complete dog skeleton.

There's, like, definitely, like, an entire dog just sort of hanging out there. I knew this was too good to be true. There's definitely an entire dog just sort of hanging out there. I knew this was too good to be true. Well, we found it. Yeah, maybe we can bring it back so it can have a good burial. Yeah. Probably try to kill us, but you know. We'll see.

Do we know it's the dog? I mean, does it seem... I'm trying to ask like a... Do an insight check. Is there pee on its foot? Oh, does it seem... I'm trying to ask like a... Do an insight check. Is it... Is there pee on its foot? Oh, I got a 19 plus five of proficiency and insight. So 24 with a proficiency. Does it seem like this dog was eaten or killed or murdered?

Or do I get a vibe from what what what happened here first of all the legend because that was such a high role the legend of tinklefoot proceeds itself and you've definitely gathered from kurt's description of tinklefoot and various documents that the lady presented kurt with yeah it was like it was a very tiny dog bred to be very small a sort of rich man or woman's dog and this fits the description it's too big to be a rat and its face is too canine to be a rat but it's only a little bit bigger than a large rat it looks like after some very close looking uh you know jelf you you lean a little bit on your forest history and kind of look over this with iva who originally founded

and is also of the woods and knows nature knows some things about animals and the two of you kind of like okay uh it it seems like someone probably didn't kill this dog it probably just sort of wandered down here died maybe a rat got to it after it died but like what a sad story up. All right. So let's put this dog skeleton in the cap of folding and head off to the lady's house. Who's wearing the cap of folding, by the way? Is that Jelf? Is it? Sure, yeah.

Sounds like a Jelf. All right. Yeah, I'll do it. Put the little dog skeleton in your bottomless hat and off you go smile smile smile all right you head back to do it you head back to kurt uh do you present him with the dog skeleton yeah right yeah yeah do a little flourish with the cat yeah but we know but we know we tell him that we found the dog but, the dog didn't make it.

Yeah, somebody else might want to take this. Oh, dear. I have a negative with my charisma. So if somebody else wants to. I'll do it. I do a little flourish with the cap and I make the dog skeleton like pop out gently. And I'm like, here we go. Here's what happened.

Do a performance check, please. Okay, I will. You sure you want me to do a performance check? I sure do. What'd you get? 10. You say 10? I thought it was more of a sleight of hand, but sure.

Sleight of hand implies to me some sort of um trick i guess i would i would allow a sleight of hand check does that change your bonus okay then it's a 15 you get to add 70 i get to add seven so the thing is it won't be so much impressive so much as it will be like slick like it'll be it'll be fine yeah it won't make as big of an impression on him it won't be so much impressive so much as it will be like slick. Like it'll be. It'll be fine. Yeah. It won't make as big of an impression on him. It'll just be like a boom. So, yeah, you kind of like you kind of take the hat off and just kind of like swipe it over his desk.

And the dog skeleton almost in a complete normal pattern just goes clunk on his desk. Do you say anything as this happens? I think you said you might say something. I say tinkle foot. Et voila. We are so very sorry. It looks like she went down there and with no food, you know, she passed.

It looks like naturally. Kurt says, ah, yuck. Well, this complicates things, of course. Lady Meserayne did not indicate that this dog had to be alive, but it was certainly in her best interest. So, hmm. I think you should let her know. I think you should let her know.

I think perhaps you should present her with the skeleton in a more sensitive fashion than you just did with me. Yeah, let's get a little mini coffin and bring it to her. Let's all watch Sunset Boulevard. Why doesn't he do that? Why do we not?

Well, he digs around and he does say, well, I've got this treasure chest. You could kind of make it look a little somber, I guess. Put a little... Okay. R.I.P. on it. I can help you carve a little R.I.P. Brian, do you want Danny to actually suggest

that Kurt do this? Oh, I don't know. You can? Does anybody have any sort of magic spells that might kick this into some sort of freaky overdrive for a normal person? Kurt will do it. He would ask if he could take a percentage of the reward if he is responsible for breaking the news. I feel like Danny should break the news. He's the most gentle. What kind of spelly should break the news the most gentle what kind of spell

were you asking about exactly blaine i'm a little confused oh no i was just does anybody have any sort of magical like nathan don't you have do you have any sort of uh uh prestidigitation that you could do like even fairy fire that makes this thing look like a... I mean, I could make the skeleton giant, but I don't think that would help Matt as much. Home Depot of five. Yeah, some sort of way to bring some grandness to

the death of this dog. You know what I mean? I understand what you're asking for. I don't really... I could cast command on her when she gets it. Like I could command... Well, I could say accept or enjoy. Wow.

Yeah, like you're a waiter at Olive Garden. Enjoy. Enjoy. Thank you, Mr. Borga so you're gonna go ahead and kind of like oh you know the here here it is in a little treasure chest and you know

uh enjoy as a command spell yeah are we just brainstorming? Are we really doing that? No. Yeah, I was just trying to, like, if we could sit in a huddle, you know, and, like, does anybody have any way to present this in a magical way?

There's maybe a more strategic word. Yeah, you could still use that spell to make something happen with someone in the situation. It certainly makes sense that Kurt could, I mean, isn't this Kurt's mission? Can't we just sort of, can't he bring it back?

Yeah. Sure. What did I miss when my children both came in here for hugs? We're all dead. Everybody's dreading it. I want that money money I'll do it okay okay

Kurt offers you so Kurt Kurt says there is a little empty treasure chest that you can kind of put the cut in there and I've

I've I've carved rest in peace beloved creature on the chest that's that's the best I can do in the way of little little pet coffin beloved creature on the chest. That's the best I can do in the way of a little pet coffin. Best of luck.

Danny thinks that's nice enough. Are we taking it with the command spell or is he doing it? Everyone's terrified of doing this. Danny will go with you. I'm fine. Was she a good pet owner, by the way? Oh, what's that?

A good pet owner? Hmm. Ah, I would call her a kind of lazy, fair pet owner. Okay. Well, yeah. I was going to say, we could bring her back. Lesser cats doesn't clean her cat box her pet got away

and died so yeah so you head up to the manor which is on uh it's on the north town like kind of like

on the way to the copper mine not far from the copper mine and as you approach you just there's obviously like a lot of animal leavings

on this woman's vast front lawn, which has also fallen into disrepair. There's all these stone statues on her lawn, and it looks like she's got some cats that are living on the lawn on a big double wooden door. It looks like it was gilded at one point, but it's sort of falling apart. This is fantastic okay we ring the bell it's like one of the bores

uh you ring the bell and um uh a butler appears at the door uh he he opens the door jar very very ancient elf kind of looks out and says who is it uh we're uh

a group of adventurers and we found we found uh your your uh your lady's cat or dog I mean dog sorry which dog oh uh twinkle something.

We're off to a great start. Twinkle Foot. Ah, Tinkle Foot. Yes, yes. We were hoping someone would find Tinkle Foot. If you want to just go ahead and hand Tinkle Foot off to me, I'll be sure to forward the reward to the Adventurous Guild. Okay. No, excuse me.

We'd like to meet the lady of the house. Really? All right. Well, one moment. Can you just quickly show me, just in the interest of protecting the good lady, could you show me Ticklefoot so I can relay that Ticklefoot is in Healthy shape

He's not in healthy shape Oh I see One moment Could you just please Oh Alright one moment and he shuts the door Sort of in your face a little bit

And um A long time passes like like about like 20 minutes go by uh and then lady meserman comes out um and she's already sobbing like she already like was you feeling very sensitive and and this time when she comes out there's like a herd of small dogs that are like following her out onto the lawn and they just sort of like spread out they don't leave the lawn it looks like they've been trained to stay on the lawn but about 12 little pomeranian like dogs just sort of like uh fill fill the yard and she's like where is it where is it hey dan yes does jeff get any sort of magical vibe off of this? Is there any sort of...

Like, from the woman or the dogs or the yard or anything? Do an Arcana check. I'm going to do an Arcana check. Dogs, I will. 16 plus 5 with an... So, 21 with a proficiency? Yeah, it feels... Ow! Ow! Sorry, it's so hot.

What did you... You're so weird. Yeah, you definitely get like a vibe that she's got some sort of vague, like, I don't know, her robes kind of look like they were prepared by not just someone else, but somebody who maybe was a member of some kind of magician society.

There's just some little signs in her dress and just the arch way she speaks. Does anybody else want to do some sort of a vibe check or an insight roll on her and see if they can get an evil thing? I'll ask a dog what's happening here. Ooh, fun. But someone needs to hand over the treasure chest with a bowed head and a solemn affect.

Danny will do that. So Danny, you solemnly hand this off to her. So sorry. We wish we would have known about her earlier and been able to save her. She clasps your head in her hands and nuzzles you, Danny. And it's just like oh god oh god

Iva you managed to walk off and just kind of kneel down next to one of these and you're going to use what is the spell again? It's just it's not a spell it's just yeah forest gnome you know speak with where is it

I can just communicate like basic ideas with them. If I could talk to the basic ideas, just imagine it. Speak with small beasts. Communicate simple ideas with small or smaller beasts. Okay. So I just want to be like, is everything okay, you know, here? The dog just kind of looks at you with these big eyes.

And do you like understand it almost like words? It's like. I think we did this before where we weren't sure. I think because we decided that Chris has an actual speak with animals. Mine is more of a like, you know. Yeah. Communication. Yeah.

But not necessarily. Vibe with animals. I just kind of go. It kind of like looks at you and it's like people, prisoners. People, prisoners. They are people? of like looks at you and it's like people prisoners people prisoners they are people help oh my

god people we are people do you get it nobody's reacting are you having this private conversation I mean the lady's right there well I just meant none of the players

I just was I thought maybe the players could have a little like oof okay what's happening here sorry you get the impression that this dog

is trying to tell you help it's a person turned into a dog got it this is like an Ursula situation okay and on that note I believe that is it

for the episode that's some fucked up Halloween shit happy Halloween players who are playing right before Halloween everyone else hopefully this will not just be a creepy downer episode in a nightmare world hey Sam

what do you think about us Halloween is two days away so hi everyone right fresh off their discovery that the internet is a ham radio, our polite pillagers are searching for a hammer in the home of a god I believe is named Sleep Paralysis. We visited a man named Kurt who runs a shop of discount adventures

where we chose an adventure to go to a penis-shaped copper mine to help an old woman get back a urine-soaked dog. We found the dead dog and put him in a treasure chest and brought him back to the woman who has a real Michael Vick vibe. Thus completing another adventure for the castaway cuties. Maybe somebody should get that.

Hey, Dan, you got anything you want to plug? Nice job, Sam, as always. Thank you. Sam, that was a great recap. That one listener's wife really wants to thank you for just letting her know what's going on in the show. His wife. Jean-Cui.

Yeah, I'm doing... I'm still doing my Friday night Twitch stream where I try to do an hour of stand-up every Friday, 8 p.m. Pacific at twitch.tv slash tellfordan. Hey, Brian, what's going on your neck of the woods? I heard you got a TV show. I have a show on every Thursday night. It's on tonight.

But, well, yeah, it is. Sure. But through TV, it's called Top Secret Video. It's me and Ron Funches and this new hilarious comedian out of New York named Allie Colbert. Allie Larder, the actress, actually makes an appearance on the show, but Allie Colbert is the three of us and me and Ron. It's a funny thing, and people should check it out.

Yeah, and that's on Hulu too, right? Oh, yeah. Yeah, but True TV, wherever you watch that. Yeah, it's on Hulu. Not Hulu 1 or 3. And then I got more Grandpa's Metal Stash. And as always, if you have metal nerds in your family, Grandpa Metal, my record with Posene, is a great Christmas gift, I think.

And then also, that's it. Hey, Chris, you just had a book come out, a role-playing book, right? Yeah, that Kickstarter that I was plugging, it's now available. It's like a Chicago turn-of- of the century Cthulhu investigation horror. It's called Horror in the Windy City. I love that. Fantastic. And what about you, Blaine?

What's going on with you and the Keechinator? We've been dark for a few days, but Halloween's coming up. We're going to do Keecher from the Black Lagoon. And it's got Marie Osmond in it. And who knows, maybe Donny Osmond's going to stop by. Who knows?

I didn't hear from him. Wow. Keacher from the Black Lagoon. Check it out. Great. Maybe it will be a little bit rock and roll. Purple Sox.

Thanks, everybody. Cool, man. Thanks, you guys. Thanks for listening to another episode of nerd poker. You can follow us at patrion.com slash nerd poker, and you get bonus episodes from there. And you can also send us anything at P.O.

Box one six zero six nine Encino, California, nine one four one six. Thanks for listening.