Nerd Poker - S4E12 Hag Manor

Episode Date: December 1, 2020

Our kind crew has a relatively creepy manor they'd like to shake the loot out of, but will their creepy dungeon master put an unfairly massive monster in their path before they can roll all their investigation checks? 

Hey everybody, I'm Brian Poussin, Comedian, writer, actor, nerd. I've been playing D&D with my friends for a long time. I decided to do a new podcast where we play Dungeons & Dragons in my very own dining room. With my wife, kid, and my noisy dogs. So meet my friends... Sarah Kev Dan

Lee Chris Now it's time for another episode of Brian Poussaint's Nerd Poker. Season 4. I'm Brian Poussaint, and you're listening to Brian Poussaint's Nerd Poker. It's episode 12 of season 4. My friends are here. Look at that guy.

Hey, Ken. What's up up buddy? Oh hi, nothing much, just hanging out Waiting for time to pass Nice, and then Sarah, hello Sarah Hello Brian I see Jelf the Yop

Hello Blaine Hey hi, that's me, Blaine Hi Brian And then I see Dan Telfer, hello Dan Oh hi, it's me blaine hi brian and then i see uh dan telfer hello dan oh hi it's me dan telfer zoom personality and then uh also having his character's name on the on the screen there uh my pal nathan whiskers but my other pal chris tallman Chris. Hi, Brian. I want you to know, Brian, I see you. Yay. And then up in the upper left, even when he isn't in the upper left,

he's always in the upper left of my heart, you guys. Sam Kiefer, everybody. Hello, Sam. Hello, sleepy angels. And how's taco time doing? What's up there? Hi, bud. Oh, sleepy angels. And how's Taco Time doing? What's up there? Hi, bud. Oh my goodness. He's done.

I know Taco Time isn't his name. The gag is I call him something else every time. He's out. He's got a real baby Yoda vibe. He's adorable. His ears are too much. The whole thing. And the fact that he really

hates Sam I'll never forget when you traumatized him by taking his goat toy and just throwing it like it was a corpse in front of him and he just stared hard at you like why would you hurt my toy like that my goat baby I like when you hold him like a baby

i need you i was holding my child and then sam was holding yeah very cute guys it's very cute if we can't all be together in this time at least we can see each other and doing their your personal weird things in your own home like holding your dog like an infant child i'm i'm so thankful that we can have these moments together oh thankful you say yeah is that a key segue word that i'm picking up on oh sure oh well you know what i think i'm gonna latch on to it brian and i'm gonna go ahead and thank people at our Hey Boss and Stargoyle tiers on Patreon. They go by usernames like Dick Trebuchet. Thank you, Dick Trebuchet.

Thank you, Douglas Scott. Thank you, John Matthews. Thank you. The most ominous item on Gus's list is dot, dot, dot. Thank you, Ben Kavalec thank you

thank you Darker's Ass Closet oh no thank you Russet Tunique the Expendable thank you Devona Uppie Rock thank you Beholder I Hardly Knoll Her thank you

Outdoor Word Score thank you Warthog thank you Alan Menarik thank you Pac you thank you thank you thank you it's me thank you skin journal what

that's 11 spoonful song oh interesting and confusing thank you That's an 11-spoonful song. Oh, interesting. And confusing. Thank you, Joseph Zabigan. Thank you, Gamorian Ark. Thank you, Scott Parker. Thank you, Bruce.

Thanks, Scott. Bruce, in parentheses, Terry's parole officer. Thank you, Ziggy Kielmeister. Thank you, Nicholas Grimmel. Thank you, which i think is supposed to be making a noise thank you corbin owens thank you uh something gross about smurfette's crotch that i'm not going to say oh thank you big lord big angry thanks thank you kugelbeer thank you kugelbear thank you thalali and thank you trump's artificially impeachment colored

turkey neck trump's artificially impeachment colored and you feel like if you say you're not gonna say something then all we're doing is thinking about smurfette's crotch right now i think i speak for all of us when i say that i well and

as the person who read it i now will live five fewer years than the rest of you so send it to me in chat because now i need to see what it is all right i'm gonna just drop that in chat uh but first what was smurfette's crotch brought to us by blaine brought to you by the san antonio red lobster still open with curbside service available. Oh, you can eat Alaskan King Crab Legs. Just keep circling around the block, San Antonio Red Lobster. Open through these trying times. Also brought to you by Games Workshop. There's still one open in the mall, I think, next to the Skechers.

Games Workshop, I could be wrong. Call first, Dan. Well, I think, next to the Skechers. Game of the Workshop, I could be wrong. Call first, Dan. Why, thank you, Blaine. Oh, you know what? Hey, Billy, what do you think those commercials are brought to us by? Those commercials are brought to you by food. When you're hungry, eat food. Oh, I hope Billy gets his greatest wish.

Well, of course, that leads us to talking about what happened last time on Nerd Poker. Our very nice heroes decided to attack a witch. Lady Mesermade, they saved her dog. She turned out to be

some kind of evil hag or something. So you are now fighting her on her front yard of her haunted manor. Last we were in the turn order, you guys were making up turns for your held actions, and it's going to take us up top to Jelf. Hey, Jelf,

you're attacking a hag that's currently slashed at your bunny pal. What you gonna do? Wouldn't you put it that way? I'm still up here at a great distance, and everybody's kind of up close, right? It's so true. Does it look like anybody is in a great amount of distress right now?

Well, yeah, I guess they are. I was just worried that something might be coming around the corners or something to to come and get us but i think i will i think i'm going to close the distance uh uh to the tune of a an old cake song you're going for speed yes and i'm going to uh try to end up over here and i will do a uh do some short sorting okay i need you to scooch just a little bit lower all right cool sorry my uh my screen i have it very tiny i see roll your short sorting uh it's uh it's just a plus one with a sword right i use my strength i use my strength and not my dexterity. You have an actual different modifier for each of your

weapons. Oh, okay. I'm sorry. I have a plus six to hit. That's an 18. That's a hit. And I do 1d6 plus four. Yeah, D&D Beyond merges your weapons attack bonus with

your strengths. So that's a five. Five plus four, so nine. Great. You guys are hacking into this hag, who, of course, is pretty tough looking, and this is still a distressful fight. Distressing fight? Stressful and distressing.

Two words put together don't sound like a real word. Yep. All right, so, you know, Jelf just took a little choppy chop. Tootie, it's your turn to try. This time I'm going to whip out my glaive. What? Sound clip of the year. That's my new ringtone.

That is by the rudest thing Tootie's ever done. That is a... 20. 20? Ooh, that is definitely a hit. That's good. 3D 2D. Alrighty. 3D. Oops, wrong die. I love glaives, by the way.

They're cool looking weapons. But the best one was're cool-looking weapons. Right? But the best one was the one in Krull. Oh, my God. Yeah. That's what a glaive should be. Hard to catch. That is a...

14. Ooh, that's a miss. No, no, 14 damage. Oh, that's not a second. You're right. 20. That's right. Great. She's right. Great. She's looking rough, you guys.

She's getting hacked up. And it is Iva's turn. Iva would like to put an arrow in her. Okay. like to put an arrow in her okay now uh i will say uh iva you might want to get a slightly better view because you've got the perfect position to have three of your friends in the way for this arrow i mean the great thing is that i do keep rolling so well that I'm sure everyone will be fine. You would roll with disadvantage unless you moved, say, 15 feet south. Can I, what about to the top of the stairs?

Does that do it too, or no? Oh, yeah, you can see over and better there, yeah, sure. Okay, so I'm going to do that. And then I'm going to attack. I wish you would. No. Mother. Oh, no. Now, do I have advantage, though?

Or does it not work because I'm not, it's not melee. Or like, I'm range. You do not have advantage unless there's some ability I don't know about. Well, I missed, so forget it. You do not have advantage unless there's some ability I don't know about. Well, I missed, so forget it. What is it called?

She's not when you've got the people on either side of her that gives you advantage. Flanking? She's not flanked. Oh, I thought she was. Everyone's got her on one side. She could easily escape to the southwest if she wanted to. Well well it doesn't matter anyway um because i failed as i always do well after every failure and terrifyingly uh straight-faced self-deprecation there's always the whimsy of nathan whiskers oh wait wait i'm gonna use my bonus action to make a perception check

okay oh no to make an investigation check to uncover or decipher clues so i'd like to examine i i turn away from this whole arrow thing and i'm like well i don't even and i'm looking at the building as if i'm like you know like a realtor or whatever and i'm examining it for anything that might uh that investigation check okay sure a news at roof that is an 23 seems like there's something that would magically stop you from opening the door and that is probably why it feels like the whole building is sort of humming with magical protection right now. Sure does feel like if you killed this lady, you could go inside that house if you wanted to.

But right now she seems to be in charge of the spell that is keeping the house impenetrable. We need her cars to get her car started. I guess what you're saying her car started. I guess. Yep. Got it. Now, please let Nathan with us. All right, Nathan.

I'm going to... Pet all the dogs. Yeah, I have this dog language for 10 minutes. So I'll just sort of shout out to all the dogs like, stand back. This is about to get ugly. And I'll just sort of shout out to all the dogs. Like stand back. This is about to get ugly. And I'll try witch bolt again. All right.

16. That is not a hit. Unfortunately. I look at the dogs and go, I'm, I'm more of like a support. I'm here just to sort of rally And help spirits Oh

Do a performance check Okay Uh let's How's a four I mean they all You've got their attention but they're You know they're not exactly like Whipped up into a mad swarm of dogs just yet.

I mean, they're glad you're here. Oh, yeah. You know, they've got, they're happy about their new rabbit friend. You know,

who's not happy about their new rabbit friend, lady measure man. Uh, she is going to wheel on the person just next to her. Whose name is Jelf. Oh, for God's sake. She is going to cast a spell on you.

Is it by Screamin' Jay Hawkins? That's great. One of my favorite things about Christmas time is hearing Screamin' Jay. That'll be, uh, she points a finger at you and starts cackling and that is a 17 to hit what is your armor class armor class is a 15 all right uh you see a black beam of energy fire out of her finger and slap into jelf um you are now uh hit with a ray of enfeeblement uh you will only be able to deal half damage with weapon attacks until the spell is ended and at the end of each turn you will make a uh you can make a constitution saving throw to

break out of it but you are currently enfeebled jelf okay i have uh i don't have any like uh racial traits like keen senses or anything things that that uh i mean keen senses don't really do much when you're mid-combat i don't think uh i think that that's more of like a when you're out exploring can i request a sidebar judge? no I'm kidding I'll just be enfeebled or as I like to call it extra strength Blaine nice

alright and then up next we have Danny um any where is she she's right next still yeah all right sort again attack uh no slow okie dokie but then i would do uh uh fuck how many keys do i get per day i'm gonna look that up for you seven sorry 700 it was just seven i don't think it's seven. Oh, it's... I've expelled two, right? Yes. Three. You have three per short rest.

Fuck. Well, I'm gonna... Yeah, do it again. Okay. Another flurry of blows? Yeah, I'll try for a flurry of blows this time. It's like a... of guys in spring break in Daytona Beach wearing squirrel outfits. It's sort of like a furry of bros.

Only one of them stuck. My 19 stuck. Oop, all right right roll that damage all right i enjoyed furry of bros i like that one too yeah i'm worried i wasn't gonna get get out did you the one from last episode was good too but i was you and i were like intensely thinking about other things yeah uh did you guys see somebody went into a furry virtual reality place and made uh philadelphia's four seasons total landscaping and so all these furries were like hanging out at the rudy juliani podium and like

giving speeches for each ridiculous. Ridiculous. Seven points of damage. Rudy Tutti, Fresh and Fruity Giuliani. Is that seven points of damage there, Brian? Yep. Thank you, sir. All right. Can't wait till we don't have to talk about any of that ever again.

Yeah, no shit, right? Oh, God. I'm so tired of it. Well, we can talk about the fact that, Jelf, you are up in the turn order. Ah, I keep... I'm going to remain enfeebled. Oh, can I do a constitution check to see if I can get out of it? Yes. My constitution is a 10 and I roll a 10.

Does that count? What's your constitution bonus, my friend? Is it a plus zero? It's a plus zero, but I roll a 10. I believe that is not going to get you out of it. That'll be... Oh, I have to roll against hers or whatever her thing is? I don't like that.

What's your constitution saving throw? Oh, my constitution saving throw? Oh, I have a plus plus two so that's a 12 okay yeah not quite all right uh oh there you go oh it says here i have an advantage against being charmed but magic can't put you to sleep but that again that doesn't count so sorry uh i'm going to uh i'm going to sort of do a half-assed, disinterested short sword attack on her. Attack. Attack.

That's an 11 plus 12. Sadly, that is indeed a miss. I'm pretty enfeebled, you guys. 2D. I'm real enfeebly. You're always pretty. I'll think. It's just how's so feeble lately

I'm going to glaive again Glaive in I keep a glaive in That is a 15 Miss unfortunately Shit Oh my god Bonus action Yeah bonus action To take a little shit right on the

front lawn next to all the dog poop ivy you're up okay guess what you can't get me down i'm too little i'm gonna go ahead and just fire off another arrow at this lady. Can't keep you down. No, you can't. But my own rolls can. Let's find out what happens this episode on Nerd Poker. I'm going to try a different die this time. Okay.

Okay, a 16. Ooh, 16? Ooh, that is a miss, unfortunately. Oh my fuck. I can't wait. Jesus Christ. God, this Dungeon Master sucks. All right, next. Did you do something else you want to do? You want to run around?

You want to pick a dog up? You're already covered in animals, actually, so I don't know. It's true, I am. Yes, I guess I might as well use my bonus action again to investigate the... Ooh, can I investigate those gargoyles? Do they look like anything special? Run up to one and do an investigation check. No.

No. Yeah, can't find anything about them gargoyles this time around. All right, Nathan, you're up. First, I'm going to wave my wand and cast

Snylock's Snowball Swarm. Never get tired of hearing this. Flurry of snowballs. A swarm of magical snowballs erupts from a point. Now normally it's sort of an area effect, but I want to

place it to the southwest so it just hits her. It's a five-foot radius. She has to make a DC 13 dex save, but I'm going to twitch my other ear with my portent and go, this is the moment that I saw.

And she's going to roll a six. So I don't know what her dex save bonus is, but I'm hoping it's less than... It is. So she's going to take 3d6 cold damage as she gets pelted

by Nathan's magical... Oh, not great. eight points of snowball damage. Nathan, what do you want to say to this hag as she is smote with snowballs? You shouldn't be mean to anyone, but especially not dogs. And then I want the snowballs to knock her every fucking which way. Great. So they come from the left, they come from the right, they come

from the upper left, the bottom right, the straight ahead, all the angles making just this poof, poof, poof, poof, poof, poof. And finally the last one hits her and you just hear her spine go crack as it just hits right in this weak spot in one of her discs,

and she crumples to the ground, covered in snow that slowly melts in the Davin Glavin heat. All around you, especially you, Nathan, you see dogs go, and start turning into naked humans who are crunched up in balls. And they all start standing up going, and a couple of elves,

but they're all naked and they're all pretty old and really embarrassed. And they just all go running into the jungle. I look at, I look at Iva and go, another Saturday night for you, huh? What a weirdo. This is like the dog hunger.

A bit slower, not quite as terrified, is Octavia, who is slowly backing away from all of you. Yeah, Iva yells, you're welcome into the jungle, I guess. Get ready to be turned into money, you fucking idiots. Can we keep Octavio with us, maybe, to help us explore the house? You could keep Octavio with you, if you want to try. Octavio, can you guide us through?

Yes. I could do my best. This house is dangerous. What are we looking for first of all thank you i will say on behalf of uh the rest of the cabal thank you so were you all evil was that the deal again you say you as if i am if i am i am merely a servant of the lady. Some of these dogs you saw run away, they were former servants. Some were untoward visitors. Some were the cabal.

Cabal is a word with sort of a negative slant to it, I feel like. So I just was curious. They were adept at doing this. They think of the Kiwanis. He explains that, yeah, I mean, they did some very untoward things in the manor, but he's not privy to all of them. However, he will help you inside if you wish to explore and look to make up the money you lost.

Let's go. You're all going to head inside? I'm going to search her body first oh all right search the body you notice there are no gold coins on the body are you saying she was lying yeah it seems like maybe those weren't real gold coins um god so they said that stuff inside wasn't chocolate. Blaine, you didn't need it. I wouldn't. I mean, I wouldn't try, but I was

hoping I could try. I wouldn't really. You notice there is a strange stone in one of her pockets as well as a, it looks like a bag made of human flesh that's about the size of a human hand. Yikes. It's not truck nuts, is it?

No. So a strange stone and a bag, not of human flesh, but made of human flesh. Correct. There is a... The stone is a lustrous black gem. And the bag, it's got kind of like an old leather smell to it. But you can tell right away that this is at least a humanoid's skin.

What's inside it? Well, let's skin. It's what's inside it. Uh, well, let's see. Gummy bears. Do you open it up? Soup. Uh,

well, probably not. I guess I would, I would, uh, investigate it. Yeah. It feels like there's something magical about an opening it up much like that uh jug you have would have consequences of some kind noted does the the black gem does it

have any sort of a trippy does it i mean does it look too black or does it give off a hum or does it talk to anybody or well you could uh you could have your old friend nathan uh cast identify on it oh oh i forgot about that we have time to do out the bag yeah we should maybe do that later we should maybe go in the house while we can right and then sure and then identify everything it takes it takes me 10 minutes it seems like it would be some sort of soul-absorbing thing if it was on a hag or something. It's like, how much more black could it be? And the answer is none.

By the way, this was a busy day. So, I mean, you just murdered a hag on her front lawn and all her dogs turned into naked people. So, there's a small crowd gathering. Right. We're going to go in the house, I think. But you're going to go inside? All right. We wave benevolently to the crowd and then uh go inside the house great everyone bring your tokens up to the stairs we're the nice five all right i want to make sure octavio stays with

us preferably leads the way okay am i unfebled now that the the hag is gone and the spell is broken yes correct does the house still look the same um you are able to open the front door without any trouble interesting oh uh i get my elven arrow out of the body, pull it out, restock my quivers. So you open the front door? Yes? Yeah. Do you check for traps?

Yes. Does an Octavio have a thumbprint thing he can do? Oh, nice. Retina scan or handprint Yeah, you know what? When you bring up Octavio He says, oh yes, let me Allow me, allow me

It's best I open the door There is a little thing I saw happen once long ago I would hate for that to happen to my saviors And he pushes the door open Us too. You guys see a large sort of open room. There is a chandelier

that is two floors up, a balcony to the left. There are two more gargoyles situated to your right and left where those sort of propeller looking markers are. Some dying plants next to a three-way staircase staircase that leads up to some double doors

hmm wooden doors we want to check the rooms around here yeah there's also a room a door to the right and two doors to the left. And a wooden floor, you said? Yeah, an old wooden floor. By the way, we're trying a new feature here on Roll20, the fog of war, where I'm trying to reveal areas that way. So let me know if you're kind of seeing something on the map that looks... Yeah, I like it. It's good.

...cool. Octavio, you said they did horrible things here. Is there like a room where they committed rituals? He nods sheepishly and he points to the first door on the left. And he says that's where the cabal used to meet when there was more than Lady Mesramay. And she sometimes goes in there late at night when she thinks that he's not watching. But I am watching.

Oh, I see her go in there. Is there anybody else in the house you want to tell us about now? Oh, there are noises that could come from another worldly presence. But, well, there's the room we must not spend much time in just up those three stairs up there.

Why don't we save that for last? Is that a different room? Oh, it's a different room. This room, we can... I can entertain you. Would you like me to bring you some cheeses? That does sound good. I am hungry.

However, I don't want you to get out of our site right now. Oh, right, right. So I'm going to do a quick investigative sweep of the room to see if I see anything. And then, you know. All right. Do an investigation check. All right. And you said there's a chandelier two stories up, so it's very, very high ceiling.

Yeah. And to the left, there is a balcony that goes the length of the room on the left side of the room does it look like there's any way to to sort of like maybe do a little elfie jump up there or some quick steps or anything where i could jump up and swing around you could try it'd be it'd be difficult but you could try difficult's my middle name you'd have to climb up and launch off of a gargoyle first uh before you do all that weird ape shit stuff what was your investigation role no you're doing no no no no didn't go great you you case the room and yeah i mean there's a couple of dying plants and there's those they're like you know seven feet off the ground gargoyles and uh jelf is going to try scaling one and jumping up onto

the balcony to the left aren't there stairs that go up there no not exactly you get the impression and uh if you feel free to have this verified maybe if you go up through those those three stairs and those big double doors at the top of the room that there would be another room you go through to get to the balcony i do i really genuinely admire the idea though of just jumping off a chandelier onto a balcony that you can access yeah so so jelf you're gonna have to do an acrobatics check this is gonna be running up a gargoyle grabbing a chandelier and swinging swinging onto a balcony. Yeah, sure. 15 plus 4 is 19. No shit.

That'll do. So we're going to go ahead and swap maps real quick. Jelf, you are now up here on the second floor of the manor. I'm going to put you on this this balcony so you're over here now as you can see that balcony leads to two more doors and to the north towards the room okay is there is the the doors uh do i see lights or anything I mean what What time of day Was all this happening This is like a regular Daytime thing right

Yeah Regular date I mean in fact I think it's Midday You just went And caught a dog And then murdered

It's master Okay Is it Are there skylights in here Is it Is it well lit Is it torchlight Is it

Are there windows Yeah there's like Little lamps On the wall there's there's windows but they're mostly on the um south wall okay and can i see stuff uh across the way is there like there's not another balcony over there no there's not another balcony but you see through some windows uh there is some sort of tower outside on that side of the building that you're reminded of that you saw outside. It must be only,

it must only be enterable from the first floor. Okay. Uh, all right. I wonder if I, I'm just going to, uh, sort of give everybody a big thumbs up and hope that somebody took some

pictures. I'll put them up on my Instagram, but then, uh, I'm just going to wait for everybody else else to to do whatever they want to do and i'll keep an eye on things with my bows and arrows well back on the first floor i'm gonna bring everybody's uh sort of tokens about where i would guess you are of course the dotted circle is meant to be you are underneath the chandelier what would you guys like to do i mean definitely walk under the chandelier. What would you guys like to do? I mean, definitely walk

under the chandelier. I'm going to ask Octavio, what are all these rooms? The doors? Well, he reminds you the first door on the left is where the cabal would meet. The next door is the

winery, where all the alcohol is. The doors that are on the north side sort of by those stairs lead into the dining hall. So we could go into the dining hall. And he says to the right is the library which also leads to the tower.

Tower too. Tower. You guys gonna head to the library slash lead into the tower? Okay. So why don tower you guys gonna head to the library slash uh leading to the tower okay so why don't you guys so now jelf you see that they're all doing that what are you gonna do you're up on the balcony uh i'm going to uh i'm gonna listen at one of these doors i'm gonna listen uh uh go to this lower door i guess the one closest to the bottom okay but you're up on the second floor so on that map um there are different rooms

on your doors so you're gonna go to the first one yes where your token is yes uh it's very quiet octavio also um can tell you what those stores are uh the the door immediately to your left is uh storage for lady mesermaine's keepsakes and belongings and the next is a room it's like her powder room that leads to her bedroom and if you go all the way to the north end that's the room that you must not spend much time in oh okay uh can i uh you know what i'm going to i think maybe we should come back here in a little in a little while you're gonna go downstairs with everybody else yeah i'm gonna uh do a i rolled a uh 11 so i didn't break anything hopefully break anything sounds good to me uh and i'm gonna just join up with everybody so All right. So you guys are all going to head through the east door.

I'm going to tell him I got the creeps. Iva looks at him approvingly, his leap down. She's like, that's how to do it. Nice. Good job. I'm good at making leaps, especially when I'm getting creeps. So you guys all head into this room There's a carpet on the floor and there's

A few bookshelves there's also a bookshelf in front Of the door and Octavio tells you and he's gonna Drag his token in there so you get a sense of it Octavio says oh You could easily move this Bookshelf and get up on the top We've never been in the tower.

It's completely in disrepair. No one has ever been in the tower. That's not where she conducted the rituals. The tower is different than the cabal room? No. If you haven't figured out, we were not actually born here in Bling Bottom. As I lied earlier. When we inherited

the building, I mean stole it many years ago, it was used by its previous owners, but it was in too poor shape so we never used it. We just blocked it off. So you've never been in the tower? Oh, no. No, no, no. So where are you from i don't remember

is he telling the truth yeah actually i should be able to tell that i have a ability to tell may i try yes Yes. So that's a 21 inside check. Oh, you think someone did a magical whammy on him? And it might not have even been his owner. Owner? That's interesting.

Restraining bolt on his arm. He was definitely, I mean, he was like a slave for sure. I'm not seeing the map change, by the way. I don't know if should i oh are we not back on the first floor yet okay let me take you back oops yeah it didn't drag new laptop borrowing caitlin's laptop oh there's the room now yes you can see octavio by the by the bookshelf he says you could if you want to tip it over and go in there let's do it all right is there anything else interesting about this room yeah i mean there's books books books it does look like the books are all kind of dusty like they haven't been used they're all for appearances i move like i'm going to tip it over and I watch him to see what his reaction is.

Okay. Do a strength check when you're ready to, but he goes, move. Like, does he seem like he doesn't want me to do it? I'm scared. Okay. What if something's in there?

Now I'm worried. Is everyone okay with me? Yeah, do it, man. Yeah. Yeah, do a strength check and I assume someone's helping you, right? Yeah, I don't know why I'm doing a strength check. I mean, I'll help if you want. Does a strong person want to do a strength check? Sure. Okay.

Have Octavio do it. And he was human the whole time octavio elf well that was a 10 wow it's tough i mean you get it right like we're not gonna sit here and make you no we're not gonna make a re-roll to push one episode we've done enough of those climbing a boat for three hours uh episodes but yeah you know i know people hated that but i thought it was so funny i did too i did not expect to get so many twitter at replies i was like i've never been told i was a bad dungeon master like i love it never change never change oh my god just the hate no it's one of those things that gets unfunny and then it gets funny

again i remember i had one person one person told me i was going to link you a guide on how to handle situations like that but then i decided i was too angry and you didn't deserve it i was like all right wow all right wow climbing a. I thought it was hilarious. It's a journey. Oh my god. You guys. So, yeah, it takes just forever to push this bookshelf over.

And when you do, you notice this door looks like it's been kind of like rigged shut. There's like a little piece of wood that's been nailed over the doorknob. So you have to smash that open too. Smash, smash. All right.

Good strength check there. Not that we're not going to go in, but this for sure looks like someone built this to not let anything out. Hmm. Well, that's going to pique my curiosity like nothing else so what am I doing

a investigation so that's a 13 you like put your ear against it you feel it and just as you're pulling away you hear the sound at the other side of the door, just like a muffled, like, as if there's something very large just on the other side of the door.

Hey, Octavio? Is that his name, Octavio? Yes, what? What's on the other side of this door? I don't know. No one's ever been in the tower. of this door? I don't know. No one's ever been in the tower. Do I think he's lying? No.

It seems like he's, again, had the whammy on him. Ugh. Um. Can we just take a look at the security monitor? Yeah, I mean, it sounds like something that's larger than anyone in this

party, tall, height-wise, yeah. Okay, I say through the door, are you yeah I mean it sounds like something that's larger than anyone in this party tall height wise yeah okay I say through the door are you hungry do a persuasion check I don't think that I should be rolling ever and that should just be a rule

with the next five uh 14 yeah do just silence he's not hungry I will pull uh a radish out of my pocket can I is there is there a little space under the door to kind of like

shove it under yeah yeah just enough you could push a tiny little radish yeah i try and roll radish through all right you push it through give a little extra push so it disappears under the door and you can see there's some sort of windows in the tower it's letting light in so you see the shadow of the radish still kind of blocking sunlight from coming under the door. And then after a moment it just disappears. The shadow's gone. It's a very subtle flavor. It's actually

doesn't taste bad. Silence. Should we try to communicate with, you know, the beast more than the radish yeah what dancer laughing at the even at the thought but has it been careful has it been 10 minutes since uh i mean i cast that okay since i did that uh comprehend it's not comprehend it's speak with animals that's how long it lasts. Yeah, it's been about 10 minutes. And I did attempt to somersault over a witch from another plane of hell dimension. True, I gotta give you

credit. Like, that's not so careful. No, it wasn't. It was bad. I didn't do a good job. You can ding me for that. I opened the door, embarrassed by the DM's judgment. Just kidding. No, I'm gonna go ahead and open the door if there's no trap on it it's gonna be a strength check it is sort of nailed

shut yeah i wonder if like i'll help again yeah let's get together if that uh if that hag was turning things into dogs that it might uh that she might have turned a monster into some sort of dog monster. Or maybe this is just the owner. I mean, what did I say about letting me roll? I rolled a 16. You don't both get to roll. You want to do this with advantage.

Roll twice, Sarah. No, let, please. advantage. Roll twice, Sarah. No, please. Please. Roll a second time. Ken. Ken. Everybody just loves

rolling dice. Everybody's just rolling them dice. Oh, 20. Well, okay, yeah. It's called Dungeons and Dice, Dan. You lay... Where's the dice five? You lay your shoulder into it,

and it just bursts in. And yeah, it's empty. There's an empty tower, and there's a staircase that spirals up to the top of the tower. It's empty? Yep. What does it smell like in here?

Nothing. You don't see a radish. That's odd. Hello? The ghost of a big monster. Super. Ding dong, the witch is dead. There's just a staircase that goes up uh-huh

let's ascend is really uh uh brian's so annoyed hey can i do a thing i'm going to uh uh i can uh uh i'm i'm gonna do a little magic trick a little a la peanut butter sandwiches and I'm going to press and digitate a little floating fire I'm going to see if I can make a little illusion of a little fire dance out into the room ahead of us like somebody might be carrying

a torch sort of like into the room farther to see if it might lure something in a radish style Up the staircase? Sort of like into the room farther to see if it might lure something in a radish style. Okay. Yeah. You do a radish and...

Or not a radish, a little flame in the room. And it's floating, you said? Like how high up off the ground? It's sort of like bobbing about torch height. Okay. Bobbing. It bobs.

And then you all hear like something running up the stairs. But you don't see anything. No. Maybe this is like the original owner got turned into something. Tower of Dr. Moreau. I'm going to take out a radish and

sort of toss it up the stairs in like a here's another food. You see the radish kind of land on the stairs and then it starts floating up. How high? It starts floating and then it disappears.

Oh, they're invisible? The ghost of a werewolf. Does it seem like something's invisible? Yes ghost of a werewolf. Does it seem like something's invisible? Yes. Hmm. Well, it doesn't seem... What languages does everyone speak? Yeah, that's a good question. Maybe we should all say hello in our various tongues?

Maybe. Okay, I try common, gnomish, sylvan, and thieves can't a greeting in each oh interesting all right so i think that should do it great idea chris thank you so you speak sylvan and uh you hear a voice respond back to you in kind um it says i've been trapped here for so long thank you i i don't i don't think i can leave thank you can you take me to the top of the stairs who are you you? Who trapped you here? Can you give us a little background? Yes. My name is Ferelith. I am a creature of the Fae.

I've been a prisoner here long ago since the Night Hag captured me. I believe there is a door to my home at the top of these stairs. I just, I can't open the door. I can't. Please open the door. Please open the door. Has anyone else tried to open? Oh, you should do it.

No, I've been in prison. Open, open, open. My hands, they cannot make the door open at the top of these stairs. There's another door, a magic door through that door. I just, I know I have to get through this physical door i won't respond to my hands why did she trap you here she uh she wanted to drain me of my power oh okay well i go up the stairs okay we should all go up we'll just check it out up there right head up the stairs and yeah you feel this invisible presence next to you. Why is this name so familiar?

Fereleth? You're thinking of Ferel. Maybe. Does that mean anything to us? Sure. Yeah, can we do insight checks? Why not? sure we do inside checks why not well is that what it'd be dan insight yes okay or history okay

inside our history what's anything at the bottom of these steps like skeletons or remains it is it's a little dusty but it looks like someone's been walking around here. Might be this invisible guy. Okay. You got a 13. I got a 13. I got a 15 total, Dan. For history or insight? Insight, please. Okay. Eight for insight and forge.

No. For history, I get a 17. Yeah, pick one or the other. I'll take that 17. Okay. I'll take that 17. Okay. I rolled a 17 insight with a plus 5 22. Oh, damn. Nice. Yeah.

Between you two, it's tough to whisper to each other, but Blaine, you put it together for health has some sort of definite like historical relevance um and you remember this is a some sort of archfey that used to live in the feywild and be a sort of trickster like not not very reliable personality and uh yeah brian you you you've got a sense that maybe this is not gonna go great if you just give in to what this thing wants it doesn't need to seem to necessarily be tricking you but it seems like

yeah there's might might be like uh craziness if you open this door for it yeah i'm not into it can you show yourself? No, I'm a prisoner. So we have a bucket of paint. I don't know. Maybe a theoretical conceptual bucket of paint. All right. So at the top of the stairs,

is there an actual other door? Yeah. So I'll take you to the second floor again and i'll reveal that so if you guys hey how how high up is is uh is this is there a just a long drop how far these stairs go up yeah they go up about two flights it's not that tall Okay So I'm gonna just Open this up for ya Big stuntman mattresses

Air mattresses Blow it up like a Like a bouncy castle So if we fall that we land on that thing Need a lot of cardboard boxes dude Need em need em Got em got em need em need em Revealing this map I need a lot of cardboard boxes, dude. Need them, need them, got them, got them, need them, need them. Revealing this map to you all.

Yeah, so you get up to the top of these stairs, and it's very tight quarters. You're all kind of like wedged in there, and you feel this sort of invisible body kind of avoiding you whenever in there and you feel this sort of invisible body uh it's kind of avoiding you whenever you bump into it and um kind of try to yeah you're over there you're kind of wedged over here at the staircase and there's a doorway and isn't you know that obviously like a room on the other side of the door that must be very small because you saw from the outside it's not a lot of room there. Is this the room he said not to spend much time

in? No, that is the big room through the double doors at the top of the triple staircase in the main manor. Has anyone else ever tried to open this door for you? Octavio, by the way, stays at the bottom of the stairs. He wants no part of this. He's freaked out.

The prisoner Farel tells, tells you no. No one's ever helped him before. He's been here for years and years. What will happen if we open this door? Oh, sorry. That's okay. Go, go, go. He just says there will be another door, a magical door that will take him to his homeland.

There might be, you know, some old magical artifacts used to bring the magical door to this plane. Nothing much to worry about, though. Just a simple room. Long ago, he says. It was a room he was summoned to, and then he was banished to the hallway. This hallway drains his power. The hallway itself? The tower stairwell hallway,

whatever you want to call it. Can we get you out another way? Only if any of you can go to the Feywild. I just need to get to the Feywild. You know, if we wait 10 minutes, I can detect magic. And then we can find out exactly what's happening on this

stairwell and on this door and on our friend. Let's wait. Yeah, you guys gonna wait for the detect magic? Let's do an eight hour rest. Yeah. How about a six hour rest with two and a half hour shifts?

You hear your friend sign exasperatedly and stomp down the stairs. Not far because he's magically trapped in this tower. But far enough away. And then ten minutes pass and you can cast detect magic.

Yeah, go for it. Alright. So for the listeners the way detect magic works is uh you sense the presence of magic within 30 feet and it's just it's like an aura thing right so you can sense um something on the other side of the door right um yeah and i would go like up and down the stairs like I'm just trying to put everything he's saying to the test it's a concentrate it lasts for 10 minutes and for the duration so I would go to the doorway I would be next to him I want to see if what he's saying about the stairs is true that it's absorbing his power all of it okay yeah it seems like there's definitely some kind of

abjuration spell on this door um it seems like there's some sort of magic pulse but also some sort of magic energy that is moving an aura that is moving on the other side of this door as well as a steady pulse from a fixed place and then, he's your invisible friend is emitting a magical aura and this whole hallway seems to be some sort of magical prison. The walls are glowing. The stairs are glowing. When he's Faye?

Yeah. There's something in the room patrolling or guarding. And if we open the door we're gonna let it we're gonna fight it what's in there like I said it's a it's a portal to the Feywild

it's my home I just need to I just can't open it I'm forbidden did the Feywild send you here or did the hag trap you the hag dragged me here she's been draining my power this this whole house it drains my my energy and gives it to the cabal. Is the house responsible for the power, or did she build the house? She stole the house and repurposed it, cast curses all over it.

I hate flippers. What's in the room? It's a portal. It's a portal. No, no portal no no no downstairs through through the double doors what's in the big scary room i've never been inside the house i've i've i i got through the door right here and then i've been trapped in the stairwell for 40 years um do we think we can get him out like through the downstairs door and just sort of give ourselves a little more time you know like free him from this loop but not it seems like he's trapped here

and and uh i mean yeah you could try just try smashing him through the downstairs door you could but if he can't do it himself do you mean you know who knows what'll happen right um uh hmm nobody has any connection connection to like the feywild that we can sort of hmm i'm a wood elf if i could elf does terry does terry have like a bay wild like uh beer yeah you know something it's funny you should say that one of the humans uh one of the naked humans that that was used to be a pomeranian was this guy who like he he looked around and there's actually in a bush like some birkenstocks and some cargo shorts and a tank top and it's this guy named Terry and he's

slowly wandered in the tower. Hey, I just wanted to let you guys know I was naked before I was turned into a dog. That tracks. Do you know anything about this tower, Terry? I'll be honest with you. I did not notice that tower. I was mostly looking down trying to find cigarette butts.

Terry. All right, guys. We're coming up on the end of the episode. Anything you want to try at this door? You want to try this invisible guy? Or is this... What would Terry do? Fall down the stairs?

And then try and sue the tower? All right. Well, I think we're going to take a week to ponder this at least and find out what happens next time on Nerd Poker. Sam, I know Terry is a hard character to swap out of, but if you could put back on your engineer hat, what do you think happened today on NerdPoker? In this episode, in front of everyone,

Tootie whipped out his glaive, Ava shot some arrows, and Nathan threw snowballs like it was winter in the old country. Turns out, as hilarious as that is, it worked and we killed her with snowballs. We added an old man butler to the team, which is an odd move for a group who doesn't want to be thought of as castaway cuties we went inside the house to do cool stuff like leaping and being cautious

and we heard a large creature in the tower not good for a house where the animals were people jelf created a little floating flame and out of the available dnd options my new favorite is throwing radishes at things. We met an invisible prisoner who was hurt by stairs and needs our help to get out of a magical prison through the one thing I love most in this game, a magic door. Doors, doors, doors!

Doors unlimited. Nice. Grandpa's Metal Stash every week on Gimme Metal videos YouTube on Brian Posehn, the band channel and my show every Thursday night now with Ron Funches

and Ali Colbert it's Top Secret Videos it's us just watching videos and making fun of it, it was a lot of fun to do Colbert. It's top secret videos. It's us just watching videos and making fun of it. It was a lot of fun to do. Which channel is that on? Please watch.

That's True TV, my friend. Cool. Do you know, maybe I asked you this before, but do you know how to stream that? There is a way, but I do not

know. I think you have to go to True TV, whatever their their TV or their dot com presence is whatever that is oh okay cool there's probably an app too yeah yeah like maybe uh maybe they get put on roku or something like that yeah yeah maybe i heard and Myspace. You son of a bitch. Oh, Tom. I've got my... Oh, go ahead. Yeah, please. No, go.

Oh, I will go. Thank you. I demurred last episode, but I still have my Friday night Twitch thing that I do at 8 o'clock Pacific every Friday where I try to do an hour of stand-up comedy and I stream it on twitch.tv slash telferdan.

Thank you very much. Anybody else? up comedy and i stream it on twitch.tv slash telfer dan thank you very much uh anybody else what's going on with uh the kitchenator oh uh the kitchenator you mean actor stacy keach stacy keach yeah tv's mike yes of course yeah tv and uh movie film legend stacy keach yeah uh we're dark this week. No shows. We're going to Pennsylvania for the Copperhead Roundup at Indian Steps. So come on out, wear your boots. We're rounding up Copperheads.

Right. Bye, everybody. Where's Ramen? Oh, buddy. Bye, Ramen. Cheers, you guys. See you next time. Thanks for listening to another episode of Nerd Poker.

You can follow us at patreon.com slash nerdpoker, and you get bonus episodes from there. And you can also send us anything at P.O. Box 16069 Encino, California 91416 Thanks for listening.