Nerd Poker - S4E14 Receptacle Spectacle

Episode Date: December 15, 2020

The Kind Crew (or whatever they name might be) really put their powers of earnestness to the test as they tidy up the final corners of the hag's mansion. And what better moment for the creepiest of dungeon masters to unveil the creepiest of rooms?

Hey everybody, I'm Brian Pussain, Comedian, writer, actor, nerd. I've been playing D&D with my friends for a long time. I decided to do a new podcast where we play Dungeons & Dragons in my very own dining room. With my wife, kid, and my noisy dogs. So meet my friends... Sarah Kev Dan

Lee Chris Now it's time for another episode of Brian Poussaint's Nerd Poker. Season 4. Hey everybody, I'm Brian Poussaint, and you're listening to Brian Poussaint's Nerd Poker. Episode 14. My friends are here. Uh, they didn't go anywhere because we just taped 13.

Uh, hello Blaine. Oh no, can't hear you you're muted you're fucking muted how about now state secrets state secrets we've got Tootie hello Ken what's up hello Brian

Nathan Whiskers is in the house what's up Chris hello Brian Sarah Iva yes hi Nathan Whiskers is in the house. What's up, Chris? Hello, Brian. Sarah. Yes, hi. That's me. And then we've got the incumbent Dungeon Master-elect. Dan's

out for everybody. Oh, hi, Brian. What are you pointing at? I'm pointing at Dan. Mike. We're all in different places i know he's not below you did you know zoom allows you to set your grid now oh really oh yeah hey everybody like return of the myspace top eight listen to the cast move your windows i still haven't

introduced sam oh sorry uh sam everybody. Hello, sweet children. Hey, Sam, you can move your grid. Great. You can also make your dog move if you make a noise. You know what? I just realized this means I can move it so it looks like we're sitting almost the way we were on the table. That's fun. How do you move the grid? You go to

gallery. Just drag. Just drag the window. Look at that. I put Dan under Blaine, so it worked out now. Sam can always be in the upper left. I went for the Alice spot in the middle. Was an Alice in the middle? Oh, there it is.

Okay. Sorry, I ruined it. Oh, and her and... Never mind. You talking about a Sam the Butcher sandwich? yeah yeah bringing Alice the meat every once in a while someone makes a reference that I understand 10% of and really don't understand Beastie Boys reference

to the Brady Bunch. She had her own room. Like Sam the Butcher bringing Alice to meet. Like Fred Flintstone running around on two feet. Oh. I forgot that one. Yep. Alright. We ready?

Totally ready to play The Empty. Have we been recording everybody we have been oh people to thank you know what I got the people to

thank they're right here there's really cool like list the names I've gathered from patreon.com or patreon just the app from the app store

it's the same thing it's the patreon supporters who It's the same thing. It's the Patreon supporters who are at the Hayboss and Stargoyle tiers, which are the tiers where we go ahead and thank you by name. Thank you Tom Musameci. Thank you Tom Musameci.

Thanks, Tom. Thank you Ghost Host with the Most. Quite the boast. Thank you, Ghost Host with the most. Quite the boast. Thank you, Craig Willis. Thanks, Craig. Thank you, Clever Nerd Poker Reference. I don't know why I couldn't say that. Thank you.

Thank you, Clever Nerd Poker Reference. Thank you, Joshua Stone. Thanks, Joshua. Thank you, The Low Boi You Hear in Movie Trailers. Thanks, Boi. Brandon. Thanks, Nathan Plunkett. Thanks, Nathan. Thank you, The Low Bois you hear in movie trailers. Thanks, Bois. Brandon. Thanks, Nathan Plunkett. Thanks, Nathan.

Thank you. Thanks, Nick Vukolic. Thanks, Nick. Thank you. Thank you, Sharts in the Dark. Oh, thank you. And you're to blame. Thank you.

Thank you, Can You Smell What the Rock is Cooking? With ROC as in the Dungeons and Dragons rock. Thank you, Ted G. Thank you, Amanda Bird. Thank you. Thank you, Lich Please. Thank you, Dr. Gago and the legend of Halcine's Keg. Ooh.

And finally, thank you, Blaine's Tits. We know you have a choice when selecting tits, so we thank you for choosing Blaine's. Joke's on you. My chest looks like the bottom of a crab. Oh, Blaine, speaking of you, who were those supporters brought to us by? Those supporters brought to you by Refrigerator.

By Milton Bradley. Remove oranges. Better have a steady hand. Don't break those eggs. Oh, no. Refrigerator. By Milton Bradley. It's the game of refrigeration.

Dan. Wow, I think it's really cool they got Arthur Miller to write that refrigerator commercial. That was quite a little dramatic arc we had going there. It's like Michael Winslow with material. I got in on the wrong key and it was all I could think about the whole time. Oh, buddy. Alright, I'll try to revamp

it and do it again. Prehaw! Fucking prehaw, goddammit, that kid. Hey, Blank, can you remind me how that prehaw bit goes? It's a prequel to Hee Haw called PrehHaw. Oh, I love when you get it right. It feels so

good, because remember when you did it the first time? Oh, man. Ba-ba-ba-da. Ba-ba-ba-da. Dear Lord. We are off the rails. So far off. Every time we do a Chuck Mangione bit, it reminds

me of the season. I remember being in the middle of a desert yeah anyway speaking of it being in the middle of the desert it's time to talk about not what happened several years ago on nerd poker but what happened last time on nerd poker our heroes who go by one name or another. Nobody fucking knows. Thanks for suggesting on social media what we should call them. I personally like castaway cuties. So do all the NPCs, so we're going to keep suggesting it passive-aggressively. Speaking of the castaway cuties, they're currently in a semi-haunted mansion.

Iva's downstairs, kind of taking a little napsy-doodle in the liquor cabinet, while everyone else is in the main foyer and then up a couple of stairs and through the room we must not spend much time in. And now, freshly into

Lady Mesramay's sleeping quarters. There must have been a beautiful baby. Yeah, it's sexy in Lady Mesramay's sleeping quarters. Yeah. Ever dream of what negligee a night hag would have hanging up in her boudoir? It's time to find out on Nerd Poker Episode 14, ladies. Yeah, I don't know where that fucking was going.

We are off the rails, and it's 100% my fault. You're in her sleeping quarters. I wasn't told this was going to be a very sexy episode. Can we do a very sexy episode? I can't even allude to it being sexy without the tone being 1940s bugs bunny that's the only sexy i know uh yeah so you guys are up there and uh again i'm gonna go ahead and drag your tokens for you just because there's been so much just running around but you're up here when this you know it's not it's a pretty humble little room,

but it's got a big bed and a, and a fancy vanity and a little footlocker. Hey Dan, there's, there's some paintings on the wall of what looks like, um, you know, uh,

just elegant. Uh, uh, there's like an elegant house at a painting above the bed. And then there is what looks like a painting of a lake next to the vanity. Yes. Chris, AKA Nathan whiskers.

I think we might be on a different map than what you're seeing. Oh, no problem. I'm going to go ahead and take you to my neck of the woods, which is manor floor. Number two. Oh, ah,

Hey, am I feeding back again? Cause I'm on roll 20 again Sorry we were having problems in the last episode Okay good How about now? How about now? Weave your haze

Dan? nice and juicy yeah i know guys come on this is ridiculous while i was doing that i was family i'm ready let's do it search the search the room let's ransack this fucking place I can't do anything because I'm resting yeah Sarah you can't take a nap because then these fuckers won't do anything they have no I didn't take a nap

it was a short rest whenever you allow my hour to be up I'm busted out of there I'm trying to like casually track the hour I feel like narratively about 30 seconds have gone by, but it feels like a lifetime has gone by. I just zipped my own lips and I threw away the key. I will try to find it between now and then.

Good night. So what's going on in this room? What can we look through? Why don't you all, except for Iva, roll an investigation check. All right. I'm going to check to see what my investigation score is. Add that to four. Leave.

Brian, I miss being in your dining room because when we start getting so goofy, this is when I am like, hey, can I try one of your amazing scotches? Oh, man. I got an advent calendar of scotches this morning. Is it the one Patton gets every year? Yeah.

But fucking Mavis and Licky got into it. Oh, no. Yeah. They destroyed it, and they pulled three bottles outside. They're little drams. And then they tried to eat the tops of them off, and they got three bottles outside. They're little drams. And then they tried to eat the tops of them off and they got two tops off. Oh my God.

And one was empty. So somebody had whiskey this morning. Like within at 9 a.m. They got up, they had breakfast. I was still asleep. Melody went to play tennis. I came home and the advent calendar had just been right through the middle.

Oh my God. And then they took three bottles outside into the backyard. That's terrible. I do like that you specified that it was 9 a.m. Like that's actually an inappropriate hour for the dogs to be drinking too. I know we're super off the rails, but as long as it's Christmas time, I want to tell you guys really quickly what happened to me with advent calendars i posted about this on instagram so you might already

know this but uh i ordered two one for me and one for kaylin and hers came and it was this little little just lint chocolate advent calendar mine came it was supposed to be a reese's uh advent calendar they just fucking sent me like a 7-Eleven box of Reese's. So, like, I got this, like, 10-pound box of chocolate. Like, one that goes, like, on the shelf? Yeah, yeah. No, just a fucking... They must have run out

of calendars. They're like huge Reese's trees. I think you win. I both win and I didn't because everybody is just eating them here. You can go catch yourself one of them ETs.

I think what they do is if they send it to you like that, they keep it nom, nom, nom denominational. Oh, no. How long have you said that? This is me punching your screen. Oh, I miss

hitting Blaine with my own hands. Yeah, I miss getting beaten up by you guys. You're so thin and wafy. Hitting you always felt dangerous. What if I break you?

Or cut your hand. It's like punching violet crumble. You guys, let's play Dungeons and Dragons. Who's that? I'll search under the bed. Let's make a door and play a guild. My investigation was a 19.

Thank God someone said a number. What else did you guys get? Talk to me, other folks. 7-7-19 and... Oh, thank God someone said a number. What else did you guys get? Talk to me, other folks. Seven. Seven, seven, 19, and... It was investigation? Yes. Yes, 14 for Danny. Yes.

So, those of you who got sevens, I mean, Nathan, you'd notice there's a very nice thread count on these silk sheets. Great time. Blaine, you know, you kind of look at the vanity and you find some nice eyeliner there's some nice lipstick you feel like you could salvage this and truly have a 1940s romantic bugs bunny moment um but um for it was a 14 and a 19 19 years yeah you know you're looking at these uh paintings danny

and you're thinking you know this place is pretty evil and these paintings look pretty valuable and possibly magical um might want to have nathan take a look at these paintings you think to yourself danny and uh yes tootie yeah dude um you uh start kicking around the footlocker uh it's locked but it feels like it's uh maybe got a trap on it um and uh it's heavy it doesn't feel like heavy wood either it feels like it's filled with stuff so while these guys are sort of rifling around this other junk, that is what you discover. This feels like it's full of, you know, heavy objects. Definitely, if there's anything in this room worth taking a look at, Tootie,

it is this footlocker. All right. Check for traps. Tootie, did you say it was trapped? He said it is this footlocker. All right. Check for traps. Did you say it was trapped? He said it sounded like it was trapped. It felt like, because there's no obvious keyhole, but there

is some sort of locking device and a metal clasp on the front and it feels like if you manipulated it, you could open it, but also there could be consequences for opening it the wrong way. May I change? So it's sort of like two copper plates, one on the lid, one on the main body of it. And I will say, passive insight, you got a rogue downstairs taking a nappy poo.

So you may want to consider the fact that the perfect person for this is currently resting. All right. Considered. Not a nap, but, you know, she's reading a book or tending to her wounds. I mean, we could certainly bring her up here to... She's definitely going to want to pinch Octavio's nuts at least once. Gross! There's also two other rooms up here you could explore while she

is, I'm saying about 15 minutes have gone by since you've been here. Let's. Yeah, let's do it. Let's go explore it. Let's put a pin in that footlocker. The powder room door has no visible lock on it. Are you going to stride right through? Sure. Check for traps.

Alright, do an investigation check, Tootie. You know, Ken, I haven't been playing with some of you as long as others have played, but in the six or so years I've been playing with you, I've noticed you are always the first to go, Check for traps! Well, I don't want to get trapped. Eleven. It doesn't feel like there's a trap on the door. Well, then I'll open it and take my chances

all right you kick out on open and welcome to the powder room so you hello pouties which is a word i made up and uh yeah you kind of come in here there is a little sitting table in the sort of top right corner there. In the bottom right, there is a bar with drinks, sort of liquor cabinet next to it. And off to the left there, I mean, I'll just say it, the door is kind of cracked open. It's a walk-in closet. Anything interesting? Check the drawers and such

why don't all four of you do another investigation check sorry are there any windows to the outside in this room no there hasn't been any windows to the outside in this or the last room just the room we couldn't

spend time in is there any is there any way that I could do sort of like some sort of like bearings check or something to see if I could tell if there should be a window or like where we are in relation to this? I mean, I'll just tell you, yeah, you're... It's like the overlook.

You shouldn't feel any more disoriented for any reason. You just notice there's not a lot of windows on this floor. Okay. I got a 23. Investigations from everybody. Thank you.

Nathan rolled real high, so let's get the rest of you. 13. Lucky 13. Ooh. 19. No, no, no. No, 19. Same for Danny, no, no, no, no, no,

no, 19. Yes. Uh, same for Danny. 19 for you too? Yes. Great.

Well, you find a ton of liquor. Uh, however, you find some very fancy wormwood liquor, um, that looks like it might make you go blind if you don't have a drinking habit. It's got a seal on the bottle and you think it could probably fetch a solid few gold pieces for it if you want to there are five bottles of wormwood behind the counter um the sitting

table is just a sitting table the liquor cabinet does have it looks like uh some fancy hard like lady mesramine slash the cabal seem to be a bunch of real drinkers. There is just booze aplenty in this manor. And this walk-in closet is where you all kind of end up. And you're all kind of going through it, and there's... It's strange. There's a lot of really beautiful clothes, but when you saw Lady Mesramine, she had a real Miss Havisham vibe. She was just sort of in this, like, tattered gown, and then when she became the mesramane she had a real miss havisham vibe she was just sort of in this like tattered gown and then when she became the night hag she was gross so you feel

like um this is a little unusual until you take a little bit of closer look nathan um and there seems to be something very occult about the clothes here and they don't all seem to be made for lady mesramane's build in either form some of them do some of them don't all seem to be made for Lady Mesramane's build in either form. Some of them do, some of them don't. But you believe, from looking at this, that maybe some evil rituals were performed while Lady Mesramane was close. Were in some sort of choir room. Yeah, so there's robes with very strange runes sewn into them. So we all dress up, We get them all backwards.

We cut to us all wearing the robes. There's a laugh tracks scene. And we all march in. And Nathan, you notice there is a little bit of blood on some of the robes. Oh dear. Is it worth searching

the robes just to see if there's anything tucked inside the robes is that is that an easy thing to do just to kind of like bend the fabric and yeah you know you um you you you kind of like go through it a little bit and it doesn't feel like it feels like they've been sort of well tended to uh however nathan again i'm going to give this to you because you got such a high investigation check as you're kind of going um to the rubs you find one that's very hulking and big uh not not like it would fit uh varellis the weird invisible guy or anything like that it it's sort of uh humanoid and not invisibly or fae or anything but it is huge and hulking

none of you would fit in this robe um and it does have a breast pocket and inside it is what looks like a little vial with a swirling kind of constantly swirling little black fluid in it oh constantly swirling hey almost looks like a perfume bottle but there's no spritz on it just this this little lid. The stuff inside of it is in motion? Yeah, even when you hold it very still. I will hold that up and show that to the group. I wouldn't drink that if I were you.

It's a bottle of hurricanes. Dude, he drinks it. The hell I did. Hey, speaking of drinks, I'm going to grab of bottles of that uh that liquor you were talking about please pencil that into your inventory pencil uh i'm i'm saying specifically you're are you gonna grab the wormwood some general hard liquor or an old wine i'm gonna do the uh two of the wormwoods and put them in my backpack. Please make a note of it in your inventory. Got it. All right.

Anybody else grabbing anything else? I'll take the vial of the swirling black fluid. You do know that the sort of Traysior room is the last room. And if you want to visit that without Sarahah that will sort of use up the hour um you will have to go out onto the you know uh balcony and go through the door that way there's not a connecting door here is there any sort of uh i used to do choir boy duty and uh acolyte stuff when i was in church is there any connecting rooms to this thing where these robes are connected to like any sort of religious supply cabinets or anything that we

could that we could follow any any any any like uh magical trails leading someplace uh you don't really feel like it does feel like a relatively small room it doesn't uh Uh, I mean, you, even with, I would say with, with Nathan's investigation check of 23, I'd let you know if there was any kind of hidden chamber in this room.

It doesn't appear to be. All right. How about hidden chambers? Any hidden chambers in here? Oh, wait. Uh, no.

All right. Okay, cool. Well, I'm going to roll to see if there's any hidden chambers. Sorry. Do we adjourn back downstairs and collect our friend? Or do we want to get that last room?

Has she had enough time to rest? Yes. Okay. Yeah, let's get her. Let's just yell down from the balcony. Or should we just maybe, do we want to go, are there any other rooms here that we should just maybe open and check? There's one more room. The treasure room.

That's the treasure room. Just let her sleep for a while and, you know. You can open the treasure room without Iva, huh? I hope Sarah is taking... She's going to be so pissed. Is that been enough time? Because we need to

bring her back up here to open up the lock the footlocker anyways right yeah we have to come back up if we want to see what's in there we have to come back up here no matter what right so go grab her yeah sure it's been enough time to answer it, yes? Yep. Oh, Ivar. Yes, hello. Oh, hi. Hi there. We've got some stuff to unlock and treasures and such. Lead the way.

Now, Ivar. I'm feeling a lot better. I don't want you to be too upset, but there is a treasure room. Treasure? Why didn't the guy mention it? And a heavy footlocker. And there's also a locked footlocker that we've discovered definitely is trapped and definitely has heavy things inside of it.

Oh, okay. I want to try to, can I try to, Oh, do I have to go through this room, though? I mean, you do, but we can, you know, just say you go through the room. Don't stop in that room. I don't stop. I can't stop. I won't stop. And I go through,

and I'm going to try to, yeah, check for traps and unlock them. Which, yeah, you're going to go right to the treasure room, all of you? Well, I was going to say, it looks like there's a trap on the footlocker. I was going to try to untrap the footlocker. You'll do the footlocker first. And then open it? Perhaps we'll get a new pair of Reeboks or sketches.

Reeboks. Okay, so I'm ready to go. Tell me what to roll. I'm going to have you do a sleight of hand check oh my god all right well it was an 11 and i have such a good bonus it was an 11 with the bonus okay uh i have terrible news uh my friend but you take your lock uh picking kit and you kind of slide it in there you're trying to find uh where there's a catch and you unintentionally uh flick to the side the latch that you would have uh unlatched if you had opened it without a lock picking kit and a copper blade kind of shoots up.

There's small, but the copper blade shoots up on either side of the latch and slashes your hand. I'm just going to have to go take another nap now. That's the new dice. Trying to think about your hand. All right. So this is gonna be...

Can we do a crossover episode where I give her some good berries? Oh! Only six points of slashing damage. Oh my god. Oh no. So. Yep, but you're in your hand just goes, ah, fuck!

And you see the blades go back into the chest. Is the chest open, though? Nope. Oh, you mother... Can we just, well, if we know we're there, can we just, like, stick a piece of metal in there? Some sort of, like a...

Now I'm doing it again. I'm doing it again. Okay, roll another sleight of hand check. Is it a little bit easier since now I know how to... Roll now with advantage. Ooh. Oh. Well, I got a natural 20 and I have a plus seven, so 27.

Oh, boy. Great. It's so good that you healed. Well, I just lost almost all the healing that I got. I know. Okay, you pop this open and you see a bunch of crazy shit. There is what appears to be an urn. There is a crystal fucking ball

with white and pink swirls of... There's swirls of smoke kind of like in constant glowing motion inside a crystal ball next to this urn. There is also a pile of scrolls. Wow. Okay.

Hmm. Pile of scrolls, crystal ball, and what was the first thing? An urn. Urn. Does the swirling smoke inside the crystal ball look at all like the swirling smoke inside the vial? No, it is white and pink as opposed to the sort of black fluid that is swirling.

So do we, what is our magic user situation in this group? I think you'll put in terms. We're still getting used to what spells we all have. So yeah, that's you. So no, like we all, the thing with new D&D is that like everybody has spells. So actually I feel like it's kind of harder to remember who is

a straight up magic user. I assume I have a cantrip, but it doesn't mean that I can look at a scroll and necessarily know what it is. Yeah, I have a cantrip too. I believe I can read scrolls and possibly depending on the nature of things hopefully add them to my book, but

I believe I can at least read it. Yeah, so I hand... Yeah. You hand him the scrolls? Yeah. To take a look at and let us know what they are. Maybe one of them is a healing. Just to kind of get a sense of things.

They seem like they are mostly the sort of things that would be related to demon summoning. Ooh! Yikes! They're summoned a demon of healing? Yeah, there's... Ha ha! No, they're like advanced spells that like a warlock

would use. Oh, yeah. Homeopaths. Okay. Necromantic magic. Dark magic. Yeah, I mean, there's a lot of ciphers written on them that you don't recognize all right anything from the crystal ball well do you want to cast identify on it sure yes i would i'll cast identify on all of the stuff if i can uh if you've got the spells i've got the answer it's a ritual so i just cast it and I can identify anything for 10 minutes. Fuck yeah, here we go.

All right, well, you get a pretty cool thing from the crystal ball. This is a true Dungeons and Dragons crystal ball. You have to attune to it to use it, but it is a crystal ball of mind reading. Wow. ball of mind reading. Wow. So you can use an action to cast the detect thought spell with a

save DC of 17 and that'll be while you are scrying this crystal ball. If you can attune to it, we'll cast a scrying spell. I will also say that you are the only person in this party

who is able to attune to it. Oh, that's awesome. It's in the D&D Beyond, so you can grab it. Oh, great. From there, Chris. The common elvish and undercommon. Do you want me to throw a link to it in the chat? I think I could just add it, but throw up a link because absolutely.

Yeah, just so you can look at it now, but also put it in your inventory, in your character sheet. That'd be great. Sure. Yeah, so it's a crystal ball mind reading, which you know you're going to be able to use to read some fucking minds.

The urn appears to be a... Well, how should I put this? the urn appears to be uh well how should I put this this is kind of a big deal uh hey Blaine can I get uh real quick while I look up the language I wrote for this can you go ahead and give us yeah yeah I'd love to Dan coming up after nerd poker stay tuned

for Danzig with the Stars. He's tiny, but boy, can he hoof it. Also, for our Baltimore market, live showing of the Shape of Water. And stick around even later when we go into our late night block with the Mindy Kalorian. And Dowagers! Exclamation point. going to our late night block with the Mindy Kalorian and Dowager's exclamation point. Two old ladies falling through a time tunnel.

There's all this and more coming up. So stay tuned after Nerd Poker. Dan? Chris, while Nathan is sort of like examining the urn he gets this horrible sense that a great evil resides oh god inside of it and there is more than just ash in here you but your senses suddenly become overwhelmed as you get a vision of a skeletal like figure uh sort of like like staring at you through the darkness you see this shroud with just these hollow white eye sockets glaring into you through a void and then

you sort of snap back into the room again um there's something deeply deeply evil about this thing but there's something wrong with that hood. Oh, no. Can we just get rid of it? Can we just crush it or something or break it? Leave it here. Like fill it with water? Pour coffee in it?

Can we ask the guy what... If he knows what it is, like what it was for? Yeah. You want to ask Octavio? He'll tell you. you oh that's funny you should ask lady mesmer made only recently brought that into the manor hmm so you don't know though that that's your hell i'm afraid that's the best i have gotten is it was a recusant acquisition she was very concerned about another member of the Cabal coming to visit and take it from her.

So she brought it here because she was worried someone else was going to come take it. Yes, she was trying to keep it secret, keep it safe. Huh. Hmm. Is there any writing on the urn or anything? Any sort of... There is. There is what appears to be some sort of language scrawled on there, carved into it. What languages do y'all know? Looking. Looking.

I read common and abyssal. Love, math, dance. Common and dwarvish. Common, gnomish, syllvan and thieves can't cool elvish common yop how'd we do it is elvish oh you can read in the in the scrawl there's a strange story about an elf going through a series of trials um but uh at the end it says uh here lies within the end of the tale or is it to the beginning or was the end ever there it's a very strange uh sort of esoteric thing and it sort of, you get this vibe like an evil elf maybe created this.

Hmm. So very first-person story seems kind of like, kind of gives you the willies. Right. Well, let's tuck it away and just keep moving, right? Mm-hmm. There's a treasure room with your name on it. Treasure room.

Treasure room. Let's get in there with your name on it. Treasure room. Yeah. Treasure room. Let's get in there. Yeah, some of this evil stuff, it's like, shouldn't we just burn it? Ha ha! Are you leaving it there?

Is that what we're officially doing? No, I think we should take it because we might be able to give it to someone who can destroy it in a,

I don't think we want to leave it in the hands of this, like, all those dogs that ran off that are now people are going to come back. Like, I think it's better for us to be in charge of it. These are their clothes, by the way,

and I'll point at the closet. That's all those naked people's clothes in there. Oh, cool. Interesting. I checked to see if there's anything that would fit me. Isn't all clothes naked people's clothes? Yes, there is definitely a, like,

it's like a very fine, shiny silk, looks like a, looks like pretty evil, like purple and black and jade green outfit. That's, it's outfitted for a gnome alright I'm taking that you look like evil Lin yeah pretty much

a little Maleficent-y yeah it's pretty creepy who's carrying the urn? I can carry it alright make a note Nathan got it so uh

Nathan Tootie Jelf Danny Iva are you heading to the treasure room yeah let's do it as we're going I'll turn to Tootie and be like as a paladin and what I consider to be a holy man keep an eye on me with this burn.

You got it, baby. So you guys head out into the balcony, and of course you're back in the main chamber for a moment, and you head to the treasure room. This treasure room is at the end of the balcony in the main hallway. So by coming out here, you're not in the powder room or the bedroom anymore and you you know briefly pass through another room and get to this door that's definitely locked um and at this point octavio says i've i've got a key for all but two places here the the the cellar, again, out back, there's a double door,

and then this, the room where... It was my understanding that only Lady Mesramayne could open the door. She told me if anyone touched the door but her, they would dissolve into ash and blow away in the wind.

Hmm. Oof. Good to know. Uh-huh. And he kind of shivers when he says I implore you, she told me that she described the faces of everyone

who made to touch it. It was a horrible thing. I never saw it myself, but I saw the ash and I heard of the shocked, terrible faces they made as they died. Jesus. I will look at the group and say, perhaps

my lucky rabbit's paw could open the door for us. Your mage hand, Paul? Yeah, might as well try. Alright. So you reach out? I'll sort of stand back in case there is some sort of effect or something like that maybe put push everybody back

and cast mage hand yeah and your little ethereal rabbit paw reaches out and as it touches the doorknob there is a little very very subtle like like little glowing pulse on the doorknob, there is a little very, very subtle, like, little glowing pulse on the doorknob. And then it turns. And the door opens.

Inside. Treasure, right? It is straight up motherfucking treasure. I'm just opening this map up for you. Can it betray your room? Well, on the far west end of the room, you see a large mirror that is about eight feet tall. It's got a blanket draped over half of it, but it's clearly a mirror and you can all see your group's reflections in it. And the room is dark.

There's also a large chest kind of trunk sitting just to the right of it. You'll see it on the top, the north end of the room. I'm going to ping the chest. I almost said the treasure chest. You don't know it's treasure yet. There's some other crate and little things are laying on the floor back here. some other crate and little things are laying on the floor back here. Here,

there is some sort of rectangular shape under some sort of sheet. And here on the south end of the room, there is a closed casket. Oh, dear. Well? Pour some soda in it.

A normal-sized casket? Totally. Let's just in it. A normal sized casket. Totally, let's just ruin it. Yeah, it's a large casket, human sized. Mm-hmm. Take the sheet off of the thing. The square, the rectangular. The mirror? No, the rectangular object of the north okay uh you take the sheet

off and you see there's a small hum like homunculus like creature trapped in an invisible cube it's it's like it's like going like slapping its hands against the outside of it but it's trapped like in there and it's just sort of staring at you like it's little hollow sockets going from person to person like like trying to find its way out all right you throw a sheet back over and you and it gets quiet again then we never saw that. I don't know if this is a treasure room. It's treasures for someone horrible, maybe. What does that casket

look like? Oh, dear. I mean, I have a pretty good idea. It's very, very old. I just opened it in an inch. Oh my god. God damn it. I run a thousand miles away.

They said there was treasure in here. It's probably in there now. Annie clings to the ceiling. I'm going to jump in the cube with the homunculus. And peas dropping from the ceiling. Pee? Danny's hanging from the ceiling and peeing himself because of your decision.

Jump. Are you happy now? I said an inch. What happens, Dan? You open, I was just going to say, the head end of the coffin. And the wood is very, very old. This is clearly over 100 years old, this coffin. The metal is like coming off the metal.

And who's leaving the room? Anybody? No, I'm staying. I said I ran 1,000 miles away. So when you say 1,000 miles away, do you mean the hallway? Do you mean the stairs? Do you mean downstairs? Just outside. Tootie, you go ahead and duck outside.

Iva, you open it just an inch and would you peer inside? Well, I just thought I would. I don't think I stick my face up there. I just open it an inch to see what I see. Give it a little peek. Do you shine any light inside? Well, why don't we start with just opening it an inch and you tell me what I see. And then I'll tell you

whether I shine light a bunch of fake snakes pop out do a perception check just Iva I'm here I did want to mention that Iva's token right up to the coffin by the way right up to the coffin by the way. Right up to the coffin and kiss you.

Ten. So you just an inch you kind of like don't get your head close. You kind of very cautiously doing this, right? Mm-hmm. All right. You lift up the lid of the head of the wooden casket and you just up the lid of the head of the wooden casket and you just see the

silhouette of a face. And then you pull back and slowly close the lid. I don't think it's treasure in there, guys. You never know. Maybe it's human treasure. Do we need soda? shall we pour soda in it?

so Wallace we have the chest and the mirror I mean the mirror that chest the contents of that chest are changing constantly and it's not looking great

why do you have that feeling? you know changing constantly and it's not looking great. Why do you have that feeling? You know, under the sheet was a man in the coffin is a body in the mirror is going to be the reflection of murder in the treasure chest is going to be coins made out of eyeballs. I just, it's not. Do you think I should open it bigger so we can see?

No. That's what you're saying? You want me to open it more? No, no. Wider. No, no, no. You just want to run away? No, let's check out the chest. We brought you up here to look inside everything. There's probably treasure in the

chest, right? Yeah, maybe? Wait, oh, I didn't hear about the chest. Yeah. There's a chest and a crate. So right here there's a a trundle like trunk chest and in the back there's like a wooden crate. Cool. I'm going to go for the chest now. Okay. This is what you

want me to do, right guys? You can protest all you want. What are you doing with it? It's I'm going to try to check it for traps. Oh, great. You can protest all you want. What are you doing with it? I'm going to try to check it for traps. Oh, fun. Great. Investigation check, please.

24. Hey. It is unlocked and untrapped. Cool. I open it. Okay. So, again, this room is very dark. There's no torchlight, no windows.

It's just the light spilling in from the main foyer coming through the door. I have dark vision. Okay. Does anyone else have dark vision? I think most... Yeah, I do. I think just Sarah does. Oh no, I do. Yes, I do.

Danny is human, I think, so maybe it's Danny who doesn't have it. Oh, yeah. I'm half wood elf. Oh, so everyone has darkvision. Very fresh. Well, then allow me to describe this in gripping detail. As you open this trunk, you notice the gristle of flesh still attached to splintered and bloody bones that seem to have been hastily mashed in here.

Oh, boy. Almost like this is just a compost bin for humanoid bones. This is a terrible house. I hate this house. Yeah, Danny really doesn't like it. There's still a crate in the back corner. Oh, good. I'm just going to walk

outside and lean on the doorframe to smoke a cigarette and be like, yeah, I get it. I know what's in that room. I'm good. This could be like Indiana Jones where it's like we got to go to the least likely thing and then that's going to

be the holy grail it could be like that it could be like that there's a crate with a lid kind of askew slightly but you can't see what's inside of it without lifting the lid off what you're gonna do i don't want my face to get melted off but i will check it for traps. Investigation check, please. Yes, sir. That's a natural 20 plus 5. Great. You don't notice anything unusual or even like a locking device. It's just like a loose wooden lid.

Okay, I open it. You guys seem to have no curiosity at all. I don't... We checked out the other rooms. Annie's afraid. The crate has about 50 or so fist-sized coins made of bone. What?

Crate of bone coins. We're getting closer. Does anybody recognize the boink cone or bone coin? Boink bone. Boink boink bone. Boink boink boink. Sir?

I saw oink go boink cone. There's a new t-shirt. Anybody recognize the boink cone? I had a flashback to when I tried to introduce an NPC named Okendoink and everyone got to make fun of that. No, this is... Boink cones is going to overtake airport bags for sure.

You can get her off the hook now. Boink cone! He still doesn't know who he's going to vote for. Oh, boink cone. Ugh. You are familiar with Kronk the walking economy who wanders the jungle to the north right who collects corpses and spits out coins made of bone oh so these are real coins that they use right yeah oh that's city of blingbottom and perhaps much of dave englavin

is familiar with this at least semi-local currency okay so let's load up on this local currency genuine boing cones all right make a note that you've collected 50 bone coins currency. Okay, so let's load up on this local currency. Genuine bone cones. Make a note that you've collected 50 bone coins, or boing cones. Boing cones. You're kidding me? It's better. You made it better.

It is by far the funniest thing I've ever heard. Yeah. Yeah, remember last episode when I was looking up to see if I might be dying because of a brain injury? What if it turns out that my brain is going loco and I'm mixing words up and I have

constant headaches? Why would you summon that? Oh man, that would be weird. No, if I put it out there, it won't happen. Yeah, I think of it this way. Worst case. Because that's why I was. Worst case.

You've publicly documented it. 12 years ago, I was like, get Ratatouille, get Ratatouille. That didn't work out for me. So, I'm kidding. Well, you've got all uh boing cones now and um did you fill your pockets with the splintered bloody gristly bones or did you just leave them in the trunk i left those in the trunk oh all right you've got the mirror with a blanket half thrown over it i investigate that and before i take off the half blanket.

You, like, peer into the blanket? Yeah, I'm going to examine it for clues. Investigation check. Clues. 11. You find 11 clues. I mean, you kind of, like, look at the mirror, like, kind of, like, back and forth around the blanket.

The blanket's covering up the right side of the mirror and the left side. You just see the crew hanging out in the room. You see Nathan smoking a cigarette in the doorway. You see Tootie kind of nervously looking around and feeling the evil vibes. You see

Jelf writing a poem. You see Danny getting ready to punch something that jumps out of the mirror um and also counting of course his pocket full of boing cones but uh you're you're you're unable to detect anything completely unusual about i'm not gonna guys guess what you thought i was gonna take the blanket off this but i'm not i thought you're gonna take it off and try to go inside the mirror. Well, I'm not. Do you want to do that, though? Not at all. Interesting, at least.

Nope. I'm tired of this house. Yeah, Danny's really skeeved out by the way. Two episodes, three episodes. Well, if you like, we can leave the Haunted Mansion and go to the

adventurers guild and check in with kurt the friendly gnome to find out uh what i didn't know it was a haunted mansion oh yeah we did know that right yeah yeah i think we can i think that i will just say maybe we can do that next time but i do think we should check out the cellar because the most interesting rooms are the ones that this guy wasn't allowed in. So next time we should check out the cellar all the way out of town. In haunted houses, cellars are like the places where nothing happens. Nothing ever bad happens

in a cellar. That suit of armor is guarding a ring, by the way, Aiba. Yes. Well, alright, we might need to slow walk it out of here then. Okay. Anything else in this room that is just a coffin with the silhouette of a human face inside? Well, let's talk to that person in the coffin.

Wait. No, I thought the coffin was full of just bodies crammed in there. No, that was the crate. Oh, that was the crate. Oh, that was the crate. I thought the crate was full of bone coin or boink cone. It is. The crate is full of boink cone. The trunk

was full of bloody splintered bones. Oh, that's what it was. But the coffin just had somebody in there. And let's not forget the homunculus. Every receptacle in this room has bones inside it in some fashion or another. I hate this room.

I hate this house. Yeah, but you don't know much about... I'll say you don't know if it is alive or dead what's in that coffin. You just saw the silhouette of a face through just only an inch. I've only opened it an inch and

barely peeked inside. Ooh, can I cast as we're sort of talking about this, I will look towards the coffin and reach out my paw and cast message and go are you there?

Oh, awesome. Danny got chills. You reach out and ask that question. And what languages do you speak, Nathan? I speak abyssal and common. Yeah, and bat blood. And Lin Shay. You hear

a voice in an unfamiliar language to you, Nathan. Oh, boy. Oh, boy, Sam. We got a new gift. Oh boy. Oh boy, Sam. We got a new gift. Jesus Christ. And I guess we'll find out what everyone else is going to do about that on the next episode of Nerd Poker.

This show just got all insidious-y and shit, man. We got to crank the music. You got to have the... Really loud sound cues in all those Blumhouse movies, you know, where... Not even a jump scare anymore. It's a fucking jump heart attack. Sam, what did you boing cone think happened on this episode episode 14 we found some haunted clothes and nom nom nom denominational is so fucking funny

the footlocker was trapped so we woke sarah up to hurt herself we found a crystal ball in an urn i hope it's the ashes of that kid blaine lit up. The urn has an evil elf vibe and a weird story written on the side just like the food at Trader Joe's. Nice. We looked around more and Nathan's magic hand got us into the treasure room. We found a trapped

homunculus. If a memory serves me right, a homunculus helped end the last campaign so I can't wait to let this rascal out um the coffin and the crate were equally as horrific and it feels nice to finally have an official name for the team all hail the boinkones

oh boy better than fucking cutesy fuckfaces or whatever the fuck oh I fucking cutesy fuckfaces or whatever the fuck. Oh, I like cutesy fuckfaces. Cutesy fuckfaces is my new favorite. Lucky cutefaces. Cutesy fuckfaces. But now...

You guys, this episode was the hardest I've laughed at an episode in a long time. Oh, it got real silly. Nice job. Yeah, my apartment's filling up with carbon dioxide. Oh, boy. Yeah, I got it.. Nice job. My apartment's filling up with carbon dioxide. I'm jealous. I just got old scentless monoxide over here. Old scentless monoxide.

Dan, do yourself a favor and go to Jim Boy's Tacos up there. Oh, up in Sac? I will do that. Yeah, where you are. Yeah, yeah. By the way, no city came up with a worse name for itself than Sacramento with Sac. Oh, yeah. Try Old Sac.

Oh, God. The downtown area. You can go get a giant cookie. And a blowjob for a hay petty. Picking things up on the curbside at Old Sack. Boy oh boy. Blowjob for a hey penny. Yeah, it's Old Sack.

I don't know. It's weird. Old Sack. Hey, check out my Friday live stream twitch.tv slash tellforddan I do stand up every Friday at 7 or 8 p.m. depending on my mood I try to stay on social media and I'll

probably firm that up by the time this comes around but probably 7 p.m. I'm guessing 7 p.m. Pacific because that way I have more of my evening ahead of me and more people on the East Coast can watch anyway that's it top secret video every Thursday on true TV we're right after uh the the show

that's on almost all the time they're the impractical jokers and then uh i uh i'm having a blast on um doing grandpa's metal i can't even believe it we've done like 30 episodes almost already and uh yeah i mean i've been doing it since covet started so 30 weeks or whatever uh but uh i've been it's grandpa's metal stash on gimme metal for two hours i play everything i want to play and you'll like a lot of it hopefully is there such a thing as like a holiday version of your show like are there enough i am doing a christmas episode yeah yeah it won't be all christmas and my halloween i didn't do all halloween but i i am most episodes don't have themes but every once in a while i'll do like a

half theme or and when eddie van halen died i did an an entire Van Halen episode, which came out really great. And I had Brendan Small and Scotty and call in and talk about guitar and how great Eddie Van Halen was. And Alex Skolnick from Testament. And it was a really fun for what it was. I mean, for being the subject matter, we actually had a lot of fun doing it. But thanks for listening. Anybody else? If before,

before really quick, do you know the, the strong, uh, the, the song, uh, Christmas Eve in Washington,

Brian, who did it? I think it was the bad brains, but because there, there's this, uh, video. It's,

it's a bad brains Christmas, Charlie Brown, where they sync up the Charlie Brown gang dancing to that must be early Bad Brains I don't know that one I think it's like yeah anyway very stupid reference I was going to make and didn't have a joke for Blaine I do want to know what's happening

with you and Mr. Stacy Keech oh it's it's the holidays so we're doing the nativity RV driving from city to city. And if you see us, we'll stop. Come on inside. Check out the Nativity scene.

Different guest stars as manger people. And who knows who it's going to be in our Nativity RV with Stacy Keach. Did you say manger people? Manger people. It's different manger people. Who is Stacy? There's drummer boy. Well, it's Stacy rotates.

He likes to mix it up. Sometimes he'll be Joseph. Sometimes he'll be one of the wise men. Sometimes he's the drummer boy. Sometimes he's one of the donkeys. What about the manger baby? That's usually the big guest star. It's a big reveal. Last one was Beck.

Wow. Fantastic. Oh my god. Happy holiday. Thanks for listening. Thanks for listening to another episode of Nerd Poker. You can follow us at patreon.com slash nerdpoker and you get bonus episodes from there.

And you can also send us anything at P.O. Box 16069 Encino, California 9 nine one four one six. Thanks for listening.