Nerd Poker - S4E15 What's In The Box

Episode Date: December 22, 2020

You didn't expect our heroes to not thoroughly check THAT ONE CONTAINER in the TRAYZURE ROOM, did you? Well here they go, giving the awkward trayzure situation the proper Nerd Poker collection treatment! Also apologies for the audio being slightly garbled in parts, we had a computer die and get an emergency replacement mere moments before our session and didn't realize a setting was off until later.

Hey everybody, I'm Brian Pussain, Comedian, writer, actor, nerd. I've been playing D&D with my friends for a long time. I decided to do a new podcast where we play Dungeons & Dragons in my very own dining room. With my wife, kid, and my noisy dogs. So meet my friends... Sarah Kev Dan

Lee Chris Now it's time for another episode of Brian Possehn's Nerd Poker. Season 4. Hey, everybody. It's Brian Possehn, and you're listening to Brian Possehn's Nerd Poker. Episode 15. My friends are here.

I'm looking at them. You don't see them, but I see them I see my friends There's Chris Hey buddy Hello Ken I see you, Brian

Nice My dorkgen master Dan, hello Dan Oh, hi Brian Good to see you in the theater of my mind It actually says dorkgen master Under his little face there Dan. Hello, Dan. Oh, hi, Brian. Good to see you in the theater of my mind. It actually says Dorkshin Master under his little face there. I don't know if it's a solid enough joke to do again, but we'll try it out.

Jelf the Op. Hey, Jelf. Oh, hey, hi. How are you? It's me, Jelf the Op. And Sarah. Hello. How are you? I'm all right. How are you? Good. And then the upper left, right where I like him, it's Sam, everybody. Hello, sweet children.

And his pink Christmas tree and his adorable sleeping dog. Oh, he's awake. Oh, he's wagging his tail. Yeah, so cute. Hi, buddy. No special guests? Let's just jump in. Are we thanking people? We should. Yeah, we really should. We like to thank people who are

at the Hayboss and Stargoyle tier over here at Nerdy Pokes. That's the real name of our podcast. Nerdy Pokes. I like it. Yeah. Thank you. Callum Kennedy. Thank you, Callum Kennedy thank you Callum Kennedy

thank you thanks Callum thanks Crunk Brewpot thank you thank you Bojangles thank you thank you Bojangles future Super Bowl champs the Washington Mansplainers yay

thanks explainers thank you TikTok's Copper Clock Cock Mansplainers. Yay. Explainers. Thank you. Tick tocks, copper clock cock. Whoa. Thank you. Craig, big Eagle.

Thank you. Doc. Rock. So thank you. Eric score. Thank you. Wade long. Thank you.

Dr. Wieners. Dr. Wieners. Uh, Dr. Wieners. Thank you. Anatomically correct. Warforged. Thank you. Uhieners Dr. Wieners Thank you anatomically correct Warforged

Thank you Thank you Kaka La Kill Me Softly With his song Thank you And of course thank you Will Will Smith Smith Will Smith Yes Will Smith Will Smith Will Smith Thanks

Blaine Who were those Patreon supporters brought to us by? Well, Dan, those Patreon supporters brought to us by Benadryl announcer tranquilizers. If you tranquilize your announcer, Benadryl's got

tranquilizers to give to you. Cherry grape and wonderberry if you get tranquilized by your announcer get to you and cherry grape and wonderberry. Get tranquilized. I announce there's a badger. Ben, you know, Ben, Dan.

Oh, I thought you had died almost. I got I got give myself a little head rush I felt like I had a real grade school Robitussin sleepy time trip while that was happening it was very hallucinogenic I'm actually out

it's always fun to watch Chris during the bits Chris enjoys comedy bits some real Ernie Anderson vibes I enjoy watching Chris enjoy comedy bits I enjoy comedy bits. Some real Ernie Anderson vibes there. I enjoy watching Chris enjoy comedy bits. I enjoy comedy bits. All of you and Chris and his shirt today, which I believe is a diehard reference in honor of Christmas.

That's right. It's a Nakatomi Plaza Christmas party shirt. I like that because it's a reference within the show, the show, the movie, and not just the Die Hard or like a generic like Nakatomi Plaza Visitor Center. I don't know what they don't have a visitor center. It's cool. I like it.

Thank you. halloween i was uh in the vampire the masquerade malkavian handbook guy who had the i have a machine gun to ho ho ho written in blood on his shirt but he was also like a vampire like that guy came back to life the joke is copyright white wolf 1993 so a lot of layers to that one. I guess. Guess how many people got that joke? Two of the people who I played Vampire the Masquerade with and not even the rest of the group. Just two people.

Oh boy. The only reason I even know what that game is is because you and Mike Drucker both played it. And I've heard you guys both talk about it. It's crazy. Some of us were so goth that the D&D nerds didn't want us to hang out with them. Has Sark played that? Yeah, he must have played that game.

Sark, I'm 99% sure he said he played it, yeah. In slow motion. He might be playing it right now, to be honest. Right now, Sark is on Twitch being a vampire with a little glow stick. Well, folks, that was fun. I'm going to take off

my cardigan and do my taking off the cardigan narrator voice and tell everyone what happened last time on the Nerd Poker. Our heroes who still kind of don't have a name, but I kind of pimped them into talking about having a name,

and now they're like trying to get out of having it. Who the fuck knows what they are, but our mercenary crew of nice folk are deep in a manner they seem to have semi-inherited from a night hag they slaughtered in Blingbottom, a little coastal town in Davenglave in a continent they have yet to completely explore. They're deep in the bowels of this

wackadoo, wonky mansion. And, you know, they've gone through most of the rooms. We're talking about maybe going to the cellar out back, but right now they're in the treasure room, so to speak. It's at least the room that the butler Octavio referred to as

full of... Oh my god, could you yawn a little quieter so the listeners can't hear? Anyway, in this room there is a mirror with a sheet over half of it that you are too creeped out to lift. There was a coffin that may have a vampire in it. There was a coffin that may have a vampire in it.

There was a transparent box with a creepy-ass homunculus tapping the glass with the palms of his homunculus hands. But perhaps creepiest of all was a little chest in the corner full of boingones. What do you guys want to do? There's also, yeah, there's a crate full of meaty splintered bones. But we kind of left it with you guys. A couple of you walking out of the room because you were so grossed out.

And there was talk of just like getting the fuck out of here because this house was nasty. Yeah, I totally hate this place. Do paladins have some kind of undead power or is that only clerics? Can paladins do stuff? I don't think paladins do. But, you know, I don't know much. Danny really

hates this place. Yeah, this place sucks. Danny thinks about energy a lot, and he really doesn't like the energy of this place. Well, I think we said we were going to at least check out the cellar, right? Oh, Sarah, you don't want to talk to the dead guy in the coffin? Oh, that's right.

He was saying you were going to, yeah, that was on you. You started that. Yeah. What did you do exactly with the vampire? I forget where we left off exactly. I didn't get a chance to read I basically I cast message and just sort of said are you there

and I think I just kind of stopped there no no something came back in a language I could not understand that's what it came back in um dark kisses yes are there any stakes around you could fashion one pretty easily out of this crate in particular,

but the chest could also be splintered into wood without much effort. You know, you'd have to smash it. There is maybe a sleepy vampire in the room, and you haven't made any loud noises in here yet. I'm not against killing a vampire. But isn't that thing also a prison? Like, isn't everything here some sort of thing she held?

So maybe that person can't get out. I'm looking. You look at the map there, Sarah? No, I was looking at oh, paladins get turned paladin gets turned undead at level four? Yeah, she may not have it yet.

But yeah, it is something that you will. It is what you will get next time you level up, the first time you level up, which could happen any moment now. What? I can rebuke the violent or smite divinely. Is anyone curious about that mirror? We know something's inside that coffin. Maybe that's enough anyone curious about that mirror? Like, we know something's inside that coffin. Maybe that's enough.

What about that mirror? Okay, let's just pull that thing off the mirror. Didn't we see what was in the mirror? No, we didn't take the cloth off. You could sort of see half your reflection. Okay, Nathan takes the cloth off. I beg your pardon. You know what?

We should just play for each other from now on. Yeah, maybe more fun. We're redefining how D&D works, folks. Danny, it's extra homunculus. Iva investigates the mirror, but then she is going to take this cloth off. I will help her. But first I'm investigating

and looking at the mirror for clues. Are you trying to be like careful are you are you doing any yeah you seem to be wording it like it's careful so i want to know exactly what you're doing here like how close you're getting how much of it are you touching before you move the cloth because that's what the investigation will determine okay i don't touch anything. I get very close to look at it. And I use my investigative skills. And I hear children outside the door. And that is distracting to me. I'm gonna...

That's me. I don't know who they are, though. Ghost children in this story. Okay, so yeah, I'm just investigating using my stellar investigation skills with my eyes great and uh nathan's helping you so i will say you two creep up to the mirror and you get advantage on this iva okay so i'm just rolling investigation yes please with advantage okay thank you um oh my god come on can i have a redo with advantage you have like a uh ability that allows you to redo not in this instance um yeah i guess i'm just gonna go ahead and tell you that i got a 14

oh oh that's not bad um you definitely feel like this this sheet was like put over it for a reason it was very deliberately like kind of over a little like tiny bit more than half of the mirror now that you're looking at it so closely but you know as you kind of get close you don't see anything about your reflection that changes when you kind of get close you don't see anything about your reflection that changes when you kind of like peek around it without touching the sheet all right should we just take it off sure okay i remove the sheet great uh remind me does anybody have a spell active like a concentration spell or anything going? I don't think so.

I don't think so. Well then, whoosh, you rip the sheet off of the mirror. It seems to be casting a normal reflection at the moment. I don't like the sound of that at the moment. Everything else had like a second element to it, so I feel like all you guys are suspicious, and I'm merely acknowledging

that. I am not meaning to. Is your unseen servant a cantrip, Chris? Or is it a spell? It's a spell. I can cast it. It would be my last first level spell slot but i can cast it no don't i don't i feel like don't um i'm just gonna break off one of those bones from the um pile of meat and gristle and i'm just gonna throw it towards the mirror all right he's

gonna like pick it up and he go and it it goes clink and leaves a little stain of gristle on the mirror and nothing happens. Perhaps it was the treasure room for someone who was in charge of a cabal of dark warlocks who were trying to summon demons. Perhaps the treasure is there are souls in these things. Perhaps that box of meat and bones are spell components for horrific things that need human flesh. Mm-hmm.

Do you see anything strange in the mirror? It seemed to be normal. Is it just a reflection? No, we just see the reflection. Not at the moment. I don't like the sound of those quotation marks you just did. Okay, I say mirror, mirror on the wall. Oh, and then I remember that that's a misquote and a Mandela effect.

So I say magic mirror on the wall. All right. Anything happen? Everyone's laughing. But one time we were supposed to say open sesame, right? And open the door. Yeah. Yeah.

Those are the beginning of season three. No, it was Sark's fault. It's all Sark's fault. Can I cast message towards the mirror if there's any kind of sentience to it? And I will do the same thing as I did with the thing in the coffin. I'll point my wand and go, hello.

Are you there? It does not give a sentient reply. I will share that with the group. I look around the back of the mirror. Do I see anything? No, it's made of a very heavy wood you feel like this would probably be would require two of you to move around easily okay i'm gonna last thing i'm gonna do is i'm gonna look at the place that was covered by the sheet like where you said it looked like it was covered deliberately in that way. So I'm going to investigate that particular part.

There is perhaps a tenth of a millimeter less of dust on that half of the frame of the mirror. Wow. What does that mean? Can we go to 7-Eleven or something? It means that there was a sheet like over half of the mirror and like it kept

dust from getting there. I just kept that. getting, that was mean. It was, you revealed it like a fun. It was true. I'm trying to honor these things. I'm going to set a timer. Let's go down to the basement.

The cellar, the cellar's outside. Fuck the vampire. Fuck the mirror. Here we go down to the basement. Yeah, no? The cellar's outside. Fuck the vampire, fuck the mirror. Here we go. Down to the basement, yeah? No, no. I want to open the coffin and see if there's anything in there, besides the guy. Yeah, you haven't really got to go.

We can't even move. And then we can go, okay? Alright. I'm just going to creak it open this time, and this time I am going to shine a little bit of light down towards his legs to see if I see any treasure. What if he's a mermaid? What time is it? Is it daylight out? And this time I am going to shine a little bit of light down towards his legs to see if I see any treasure. Oh, dear. What if he's a mermaid?

Oh, my God. What time is it? Is it daylight out? Yeah, it is, right? Yeah. Okay. Early afternoon. Just making sure.

So you open it a little more. I would say like halfway this time as opposed to like a half inch. Okay. time as opposed to like a half inch okay so uh yet about halfway this time you see the uh face of what appears to be an elf uh very pale pointed ears wearing what looks like merchant's clothing a simple uh kind of like traveler's cloak over the merchant's clothing uh His hands are over a small sort of jewelry box. And you shine what light towards his feet? Yeah, the light from my phone, I guess, is what I was imagining when I described that. I'm from the bottom sea, which is yellow uh because you like bright

colors no i don't know what the do you have a do you have anything um no i'm yeah i just i guess i'm just gonna look there's enough ambient light in the room and i have dark vision so yeah you think you see that he's wearing more like merch traveling merchants but he But he has something clutched in his hands. Yeah, like a small wooden jewelry box. Okay. I am gonna go ahead and take that. Oh dear. I'm gonna pickpocket him, basically.

Fight the sleight of the moon, Shrek. Do I get advantage because he's asleep you don't know that he's asleep that's why i'm asking that's why i'm asking no no okay 11 11 all right so you kind of, what are you like, like poke the bottom, try to make it pop out the top or vice versa. You're kind of just trying to like,

did it kind of like slide? Yeah. All right. And, uh, as you're doing it, uh, you only do it a little bit before one of the hands goes on your wrist.

It's eyes suddenly pop wide open. They are a complete orb of deep crimson. He opens his mouth and turns his head to you slightly and says, Who are you?

are you? Ha ha ha ha! Uh, I think we have the wrong room. Who are you? I say. That is none of your concern. Where is Ms. Romaine? Oh,

downstairs, I think. Uh, he... Sorry, did I wake you? I'm going to have you do a strength saving throw. Ooh. Okay. Strength is not really... You got this. Oh, wait, saving throw.

Mm-hmm. Ooh. Even worse. That's a four. Oh Jesus. All right. You take eight points of bludgeoning damage as he twists your arm and just lifts you off the ground.

You guys all see in one sharp motion, he just lifts in a full standing position, floating about a foot above the coffin, and lifting Iva about seven feet off the ground. Okay, describe this guy. How big is he? I'm dead, by the way.

You're being an elven vampire. Did you lose all your points? Oh, yeah. You're being an elven vampire. Did you lose all your points? Oh, yeah. Not even close. You see Iva also blacked out unconscious. You're not dead. This is fifth edition. It's much more forgiving.

Well, you know what I mean. Shit. Why don't everybody roll for initiative? I wanted to go to the cellar. Sorry, Sarah. We'll get there. We'll get there. I mean, not with Iva. What happens with Iva?

We'll get there with a fun new character who turns into a bear. She's crazy. For honey. What a dumb joke. I love it. Wampir only rolled the worst initiative.

Wampir? That's what I'm calling him for now. That's an elf vampire's wampir. I think he also loves... Isn't he Popeye's friend who loves hamburgers? That's a weird joke. I like it too. I will gladly pay you Tuesday for a hamburger today.

Jeff, what did you roll? Jeff, what'd you roll? Oh, sorry. 19. 15 plus four is 19. Thank you very much. 2D, what'd you get? 21.

Wow, you guys are rolling great. ID, what'd you get? 21. Wow, you guys are rolling great. Aiva, what'd you get? For what? Why am I rolling? Well, you gotta roll a fucking death save, first of all. Second of all, what if you make your save then you come to consciousness and you get to stab? No, yeah. Am I rolling

I guess I'm saying am I rolling initiative? Yeah. Yes, you are. You're in combat. I know you're very upset with me for doing what I did. I hardly think I'm upset with you. I literally opened the vampire's coffin with a zero plan.

Rolled terribly. No debate that you deserve this. However, you could still be upset with me. It's a natural human nature. Merry Christmas. This is your present. Don't worry. What you deserve. Merry Christmas. This is your present. This is all I got you. Nathan, what'd you get?

14. 14? That's right. Thank you. Danny, what'd you get? 18 plus 3, 21. Great. All right.

You know, the reason I do that is to show the math not that I can't do math I believe it nobody was questioning now I am let's see you do some math Brian oh fuck god damn it the only reason I complain is because

I can't do the math oh I'm slow at it i have a pot brain but i can do it brian let's say i have 10 kind buds but then my friend says they can multiply them by three how many kind buds do you think i'd have that 13 13 I gotta say Chris's zoom acting is top notch you know how to use a window I have friends who do like sketch comedy and improv over zoom I'm like I do not have that talent

there's a guy though Danny and Tootie what are your dexes 21 there's a guy though uh danny and tootie what are your dexes uh 21 my dex is 13 what you got danny 16 great you're up first danny what you want to do uh climb up and save my friend climb Climb up onto the coffin? Climb up onto this dude and grab Iva out of his grips. You Iva or Grima?

Yeah, you're Iva. Yeah, I grab Iva out of his grips. Or try to. Okay. If I have to kick him in the face, I'll do that. Down here on the little map. 2Dd i've got you out in the hallway yeah no i'm out on the balcony or whatever yeah okay um well uh i'm gonna where do i put this guy um right there uh try to do a strength check.

Me? No problem. Yep. Ah, fuck. So somewhat of a problem. Yeah. Eight isn't going to do it, right? Nope. No. Vampire rolled a nine plus four, so that's going to be a problem. Yeah. Eight isn't going to do it, right? Nope. No. Vampire rolled a nine plus four so that's going to be a 13.

Shit. Are you going to do anything else? That's your action. You have a bonus action. Kick him in the face. Can you do that as a bonus action? I don't know. I'm asking you. I mean, I've got to look at your character.

I'm just thinking that. Rah, rah, rah. Kick him in the other knee. Can I get a commercial while I pull up Brian's character? I love that thing. Melanie sings that cheer, and it's like one of the cutest things ever. Rah, rah, rah. Kick him in the other knee.

This is Nostalgia brought to you by fettuccine alfredo pods pop one into your laundry great taste and smell fettuccine alfredo that's fresh also marinara rabbiata fettuccine alfredo pods dan brian great news you can do uh ar unarmed strike or flurry of blows. And by the way, reminder, you can do flurry of blows with a weapon, although that astounded me the first time. Yeah, no, I'll just give him one to the old chopper. Okay. Unarmed blow. So this is a plus five to hit. Roll that 20. one to the old chopper. Okay. One just got kicked.

Yeah. So this is a plus five to hit. Roll that 20. Much better. 17 and then plus that five there. It's going to be a 32. Nice. 22?

Yeah, that's a hit. Roll your damage. What is damage on unarmed? It's 1d4. Okay, cool. A million plus two, right, Ken? Yeah. All the way. 1d4 plus three.

Oh, nice. Four. Plus that three, that's 22. Seven. So you go... with your foot, and even though you connect really solid, you just

feel that he is... He's thick. He's very difficult to do unarmed damage against. He's like, and he just kind of smears at you, continues to dangle Iva above the ground.

He's looking forward to his turn. Danny now knows. Now he knows what he's dealing with, and he gives him one of these. You wait till the next turn, my friend. Oh my god. I'm looking forward to it. 2D, you're up.

I am going to cast Command. Oh. And my command is Drop. Okay. Let's see. He's got to make a Wisdom saving throw. Then make him roll dick roll he rolled a nine what's your spell save dc 12 oh shit so okay uh

wow i was like surely he's immune to charm spells or something. No, no, he's not. He kind of goes, ooh, and he lets go of Iva, who thuds on the floor. Am I close enough to catch her? Gracefully. Of course, your bird and your volcano platypus scurry away in panic. What were you saying, Danny? Wouldn't Danny be close enough to catch her?

Can you do something like that when it's not your turn? Like defensive? The one thing Danny can do as a reaction is when a missile is headed to him. He can't automatically because it's not

here. What if she's going to land on his head? I feel like this guy could is headed to him. Okay. He can't automatically because it's not here. Yeah. Right. What if she's going to land on his head? But I feel like this guy could with his, you know, dexterity and... When he levels up,

he could. Okay. Oh, okay. Cool. All right. Sorry, Sarah. Yeah, I don't think... I'm not at that level yet.

Unfortunately, I don't think Sarah... Quite all right. ...consistently missile lobbed at you just yet, but perhaps Sarah can do some sort of, I don't think Sarah counts as a missile lobbed at you just yet, but perhaps Sarah can do some sort of I don't know, like imitation of a missile in the future during combat. You can kind of alley a Wolverine beast

move. Alright, so good job, Kenneth. Do you have any other stuff you're doing this turn? Can I grab her and drag her away? Or is it asking too much? Yeah, that's the thing. I think that would count as something.

I'm just checking, checking, checking. I've been watching some TV reboots you guys during the pandemic. Oh, yeah? Yeah, I watched Get Out Cotter. That was a good one. Yeah, and Muscle. Chico and the Women.

I thought that was a nice switch. I thought you kind of changed it up a little bit. And Slightly Higher Spring Sun. Slightly Higher... switch and kind of change it up a little bit. And slightly higher spring sun. Slightly higher spring sun. It's the same people that did

low winter sun. Talking to Melanie while rubbing seashells on his microphone? What is happening? What the fuck? Hey! What's that mean? I'm sorry.

It's the loudest noises coming in while you were talking to Melanie. What was it? You! It's you! It sounded like this. Even though I had my mic off? No, you didn't. Yeah, it sounded like

you were coding something in Panko. It wasn't off. Oh, it wasn't? No. No. Like, you do sound like... You've sounded, actually, for this whole episode,

like you are inside the coffin of this vampire, so it's like very crackling. Should I jump off and come back in? This is all gold. Sam don't you dare get. Don't cut the part where you got so mad at us. Okay you guys stay I'll be right back. We're back.

And we're back. As a reaction you do have this thing you can do in the future do you know about this? The channel Divinity Rebuke? Yes. Rebuke the Violent, yes. You can't quite use it in this instance, and as a spell, you still have your bonus action left. You could do Sanctuary or Thunderous Smite. Yeah,

I was considering Sanctuary, but I can do that now? Sanctuary. You ward a creature within range against attack. Until the spell ends, any creature who targets and wards a creature within range against attack until the spell ends. Any creature who targets the warded creature within attack or harmful spell must first make a wisdom saving throw. On a field save, the creature must choose a new

target. So, for instance, you could cast right now, as a bonus action, Sanctuary on Iva. A second spell. Okay. Well... That's why I thought I couldn't do it, because I cast... You specifically Sanctuary as a bonus action. Oh, okay I thought I couldn't do it, because I cast... You specifically sanctuary as a bonus action. Oh, okay.

Then I will. Great. Then I'm Mona. So, Iva, you are now warded against attack, and if the vampire tries to attack you, they'll have to make a wisdom. It's good, because it's two automatic fails if he, say, bites your neck. Groovy. Which vampires I want to do up next we've got Jelf

oh okay has is he who's near him he let Iva go and Bodhi is underneath him or nearby Bodhi Danny to pick something up from hamburger hamlet bode is underneath him or nearby bode uh danny i'm

sorry i always says oh you have the wrong thing up on your screen not at all do i oh yeah you're right balance we just played with in gaio in our bonus episodes which patreon supporters are enjoying this month and gaio it will be in gaio belem i almost put both his names together. Yeah, he was great. Yeah, I love on Guile. And he plays music. That flute fucking took me out. It was great. Flute as a quarter step that he can thunk people. So, Blaine. I'm going to shoot an arrow at his head.

I have these elven arrows in my quiver, and I'm going to use one of them as a grasping arrow. I'm going to shoot it at his head. And they give you a plus one, right, Blaine? They give me a plus one, yes. And with my dex, I have another plus four. All right, so a grasping arrow. When this hits, they have to they

think if you hit it it automatically does all the cool shit yeah so 23 is that a hit that's your hit okay so in addition to your regular damage he's going to take poison damage okay and also the

sorry so that's 1d8 plus 4 piercing and poison. And then here's the grasping thing. Creature hit by the arrow takes poison damage, speed reduced by 10 feet, slashing damage. takes poison damage speed reduced by 10 feet slashing damage uh it just grows brambles and vines and stuff that grow all over it and sort of impede its movement

found up by these magical abjuration vines so uh so it's a 14 14 points of damage well wow you really fucked up this vampire um what if i said he was dead i'm not going to but that'd be funny uh okay so

he is now wrapped up in these things his speed is reduced by 10 feet uh the first time he moves, he's going to take damage unless he teleports. It can use its action to remove the brambles with a strength check against your save DC. What's your save DC, Jeff?

My save save dc jones my uh save uh oh it's one of the only things i don't have written down here i have an armor class 15 it's at the top of your spell page oh top of the spell page it's like spell save dc or something like that all right right i am trying to pull up your character sheet now as well so I can reference what everybody can do. It's been a while since we played

these characters. Yeah, sorry. I'm holding everybody up here. Hey, Chris. What's this? Yeah, Chris. What's this brought to us by? Or Billy uh this break is brought to us by holidays hey do you feel like to eat some brandy but also with caramel holidays also stairs

someone's got to go to the cellar. You stairs. Damn. Beautiful blade. It's 13. You need to make a 13 to break free of these grapples. Yeah, I can't find it. I'm sorry. Thank you, listeners. And... That brings us to Iva.

You are zonked on the floor. Please do a death saving throw. Oh, shit. Win it, win it, win it. Hey! Yeah. So that is one in the save column.

I believe there's not much else you can do, so my sympathies as you lie on the floor, hopefully soon to be healed. Nathan, you are up. Is she still in this moment kind of like falling to the floor? I feel like Nathan's first thing, if I can, is my action is I'd like to try and like,

I'm not agile and I'm not strong, but I'd like to get my, I'd like to catch her if I can try and stop her from slamming. It was instantaneous. So she's already on the ground? Yeah, it takes a microsecond to land. I didn't have that far to fall.

Yeah. I'm okay. Well then, I will look angrily at said said wampir and uh i'm gonna cast uh the most uh dangerous thing i've got snylock snowball swarm adam uh and uh hopefully i will have it or oh anything within a five foot radius i'm trying to maybe put it away from any one of us who might get hit

but to hit the said dead elf um it has to make a DC 13 deck save okay and I'm trying to see if he's you'd think

he would have like a disadvantage on deck saves because he's wrapped in brambles But I don't think he does. He probably should though. Good call Dan That'd be an 18 pass so he takes half damage so it was 11 so he would take five points of powerful snowball damage Well, boom it did quite well against a hag out in the parking lot earlier before the show, but now we're at the main event. Yeah, he gets

a little riled up by this, but unfortunately does not become deceased. Again. Anything else you'd like to do? I would, can I pull Iva away from him? Solid undead joke with you again uh yeah you can uh well let's let's see that's what tootie was gonna do unfortunately i think grabbing

her sort of counts as an action um so you can move away but yeah so that is my movement i will move back over here and maybe i don't know why'm going to try and get behind a little bit of the mirror and see if there's any way to put my weight against it to aim it towards the vampire. Okay. I mean, it's very heavy. You feel like something could be done, sure. All right, that's what I'm doing.

Yeah, I'll move back behind the mirror. Cool. That brings us to the vampire. So he's going to try to break free of these browns. So it is a vampire, then. This man who is sleeping in the coffin? Seems to be a vampire, yes. I mean, honestly, none of us could have known that.

Who doesn't speak Polish? So let's not beat ourselves up. There was no way of knowing that. I wouldn't buy this script. We cannot beat ourselves up over something that comes out of left field like that. Who would have knew a vampire would have been inside a coffin? No, it doesn't make any sense. It's not like it's in all of the lore.

All of the lore. Does he have a shirt on that says, Don't talk to me until I've had my coffin? All of the lore? Does he have a shirt on that says, don't talk to me until I've had my coffin? He easily just sort of shrugs off the brambles. Oh.

Well, fuck that. Okay. Is it because of my coffee joke? Nope. I like that. Try pre-haunting. nope um and uh that I like my men like I like my coffin all right that will be the end of the turn

that'll bring us back to Danny and you're up it's Danny. He's still above the coffin. Floating there, taking blows. Yes. Alright. Danny's going to use his short sword. Okay.

Get him. A lot of girth, though. Huh. You have a girthy sword. Probably not. 13. That is a miss, unfortunately. Okay.

You did a bonus action to attack him? Yeah, on arm strike. Okay. Wouldn't it be more effective if you used your arms? We'll be right back. That I think is a hit. Yeah. 18.

Oh, that's a hit. Roll your damage. Just a four. Okay. Again, you bamf into him and as much as you put your energy into it, again, he's just sort of like sneering in reaction

to this punch. That'll then... Danny still acts nonplussed. Well, he's going to use one of his legendary actions. He is going to use one of his legendary actions. Yeah. What? He is going to...

Use an unarmed strike against you and punch you. What the frick? Punch is legendary? Huh? His punch is legendary. I haven't heard of it. That's going to be a 27 to hit. Yeah, that's a hit.

Good lord. Why'd you wake this thing up? Great question. You should have killed it and then tried to take the thing. I wanted to go to Jules. I was looking for a stake. That'll be seven points of bludgeoning for Danny. Okay.

You guys will be fine. What about you, Iva? I mean, I get antsy. I say from beyond the grave. Yeah, you're about to get deadsy. Tootie, you're up. I'm going to use my glaive and glaive upon him.

Attack with that glaive! Woo! That is a 18. That's a hit. Yay! Alright, that is boo-boo-boo! Ooh!

Six points of damage ooh that will be rough alright so you smash into him remind me do you have a magical glaive or no no just a regular glaive

again it's hard to carve into this guy. He's nasty. But you do some serious damage. He's Jackson. Anything else from you, sir? No, I think we're good. Yeah, we're good.

Jelf, you're up thank god I'm glad this is happening before I did my Michael Jackson only wearing the one glaive joke I'm going to shoot at him again in the head with my bow and arrow thing I wish you would

oh and I can't use that thing on this one I think uh uh twice per short rest but I'm not going use that thing on this one, I think. Right. Twice per short rest, but I'm not going to use it on this one. Okay. 17 plus 4 plus 5, so 22. That's a hit.

You're smacking them real good. I do a thing, and that's a seven plus one is an eight. Arrow lodges in him. He hisses at you. He's, you know, really starting to shrug off a lot of this damage. Every time you hit him, it's just like little things like arrows and fists just to like not really draw a lot of vampire blood. Not even the magic arrows. He's a vampire. Right.

He is resistant to a lot of kinds of attacks. Let me try Slim Whitman. Let's get another death saving throw from Iva. You got this. You got it. Here we go. Let's find out what happened to me. Ooh.

That one's a five. Ooh, so that's one save and one fail. All right, we're all tied up Nathan you're up I'm going to uh from behind the mirror pull out my carrot wand and say stay away

from my friends and cast a guiding bolt against this guy so it's like a bolt of energy flies out and cast a guiding bolt against this guy. So it's like a bolt of energy flies out. Ooh, 12. I don't think that's a hit. No, unfortunately it smashes into the wall behind him.

Hmm. Well. Don't forget that we've picked up a lot of stuff on our journeys. I just don't want anyone to forget that. Oh yes, I pull out my crystal ball of mind reading. I just don't want anyone to forget that. Oh yes, I pull out my crystal ball of mind reading. I don't know. I try and shove the mirror more

towards him. Okay. He's gonna not notice. And his turn is up. He is going to turn to Jelf. And attempt to... Grab and bite him.

Well, I'm sort of a... I'm sort of a... A shooting an arrow distance away from this guy. Well, you know, you are about 10 feet away and he can easily

come to you. But what do you want to really? It's not that big. It makes me think of Bob Zaney. When he does such a thing, Dan, does he move out of melee with Danny? You know what? He sure does.

What a great notice from Chris Tallman. Hey, Danny, you get an opportunity attack against a vampire as it floats away from you. You get to roll a melee attack. Unfortunately, he doesn't have time to create

a stake and jab it at him, but he can do that as a thing on his turn. Brian! What about a blooming onion? Silver. Sorry, okay. Which is better, the awesome blossom or the blooming onion can anyone hear me i think yes brian yes yes but we're talking about onion snacks oh i like the blooming onion you get you can pull an opportunity attack against this vampire, Brian. Yes, I want to.

Please do. You know, I was reading some stuff about some weird political stuff that was going on in Australia. And it was just like reading The Bloomin' Onion. Yay. Do your elbow thing. That again in your best Crocodile Dundee accent. That's not a joke. Yahoo can't be serious.

I think we've done that joke, what, nine times over the years? What's wrong with 10? Brian, please. Yes, my friend I want to slash at him okay put some kills on him okay that is what I'm doing

that's not a blue ring Doc Topas oh nice a 19 plus uh five on my short sword there that is it roll your damage yeah hey why do you have that picture of kate bush behind you brian it's uh charlie ben Benanti from Anthrax. Nice try. Nice try. What was he trying to do?

I don't know. I'll tell Charlie. Kate Bush. Yeah. Five plus three. Eight. Piercing. Eight piercing. Alright! So, that is, uh,

more damage to the vampire as he runs over and tries to bite Jelf. Jelf, he, for the bite, is gonna roll a 19. Oh no! My neck. My delicious neck.

Oh man. So you are grappled. Grappled grapple. This is gonna be... Five points of piercing damage. Okay. Is that from my girlish scream?

Yeah. And then on top of that, unfortunately... Oh. Is 11 points of necrotic damage. Ooh. Nah. That's me pulling my shirt away fromcrotic damage. Ooh. That's me pulling my shirt away from my neck wound. Your maximum hit points are reduced by 11.

Oh. Well, then I'm dead. Well, no, like the max you could go back up to. You don't lose the hit points. Oh, okay. You don't lose the hit points. Oh, okay. You don't lose another 11, but the 11 you just lost is you can't gain back.

Oh, great. Not until you have a long rest. Oh, okay. Not until you have a long rest. Well, I'm going to sleep tonight. I'm Kate Bushed. And on that note hey Sam what do you think happened to our crew today alright this week we opened back up in the mirror box coffin room

we found an elf in a box so I have a stole from him and got what was coming to her Danny fought to get her back and Brian explained that he can do math, just chooses not to, which is suspiciously what someone who can't do math would say. Now, about 30 seconds after writing that joke down,

Brian started aggressively jazz-scatting into his microphone, which is my fault for teasing him. Normally, I end the episode with what you guys learned and this week it's my turn. I learned the valuable lesson that although I'm not playing the game with you death can come for me too cool anything anybody wants to plug uh i will first of all i just want to thank uh sean bryant again for doing the math.

He's working on a cool Netflix show. He's working on Animaniacs, too, on Hulu, which is pretty badass. And, yeah, I would love to just plug. I've got, you know, just look at my social media. I'm doing streaming stand-up. I'm doing the hot tub, a hot tub show on Twitch with Kurt and Kristen in January. And then my thing every Friday. Cool.

Uh, that sounds good. I've just, uh, grandpa's metal stash every Tuesday and then, uh, grandpa metal. Well,

will this air before Christmas? No. Oh, well, yeah, just before Christmas? No. Oh, it will? Yeah, just before. It's a perfect Christmas album to buy for, or a present for somebody who likes metal and comedy. That is all.

Happy holidays, everybody. Yeah, happy holidays. Blaine? Yeah, Merry Christmas. Oh, we're not doing anything. We're, Stacy Keech and I are going to go toilet paper Lea Michele's house. She knows what she did. Cool.

Thanks, everybody. Thanks for listening to another episode of Nerd Poker. You can follow us at patreon.com slash nerdpoker and you get bonus episodes from there. And you can also send us anything at P.O. Box one six zero six nine Encino, California. Nine one four one six. Thanks for listening. I was going to say your dad got really mad at everybody,

but then I don't know if you're one of those pet owners who refers to yourself as your dog. As a dog dad. Yeah. Like, is he your, is he your buddy or is he your son? You know,

I don't know. He's just, he's just my buddy. That dog dad stuff. That's a level of being single. I can't come back from. Yeah. I agree with that.

It's intense. Yeah. I think there's a level of like sexual attractiveness you kind of give over to the universe when you're just sort of like that thing's my baby like it just everybody's like right now you're and yet if you call yourself daddy that's somehow supposed that is hold on now hold on now that's why right that's different uh you know it is i don't mind i don't mind the dog dad one, even though I just made fun of it. There is a phrase that makes my teeth itch, which that people use, which is these are

my fur babies. Oh, no. Fur babies. Yeah. That sounds like something that you put in the toilet. I just also implies it implies the existence of skin babies. Right. Then then your children are of skin babies, right?

Then your children are your skin babies, which is... Now that's bad. All terrible.