Nerd Poker - S4E16 Vamp Stamp

Episode Date: December 29, 2020

The crew battles the sleepy guest of the manor that they awoke unceremoniously from its slumber, with the hopes of making the quaint trayzure room all their own. Cheers from the whole Nerd Poker crew on making it through 2020 with us, we criterally couldn't have done it without you!

Thanks to our December Patreon winner, we draw a winner from our Hey Boss tier once a month. Congratulations, Robert Jenkins! Good job, Robert. Hey everybody, I'm Brian Pussain. Comedian, writer, actor, nerd. I've been playing D&D with my friends for a long time. I decided to do a new podcast where we play Dungeons and Dragons in my very own dining room with my wife, kid, and my noisy dogs. So meet my friends Sarah, Ken, Dan, Lee, Chris.

Now it's time for another episode of Brian Poussaint's Nerd Poker. Season 4. Hey everybody, I'm Brian Poussaint and you're listening to Brian Poussaint's Nerd Poker. Season 4. Brian. And then I see Chris. Hello, Brian. My whole world is fucked up because Sarah is now in my upper left where Sam usually is. So I'm going to be really. Yeah, it's going to really fuck me up. Sorry. There's Sarah. Hi, Sarah.

I feel shame. I'm sorry. No, please don't. Dan. Hi, Dan. Hey. Ken. Down in the bottom.

Hi, Kenny. Hi. Hello. Hey Ken down in the bottom Yes hi hello And In the upper Or in the middle of the thing And I now it's fucking me up It's Sam everybody hi Sam Hello sweet children

Wait you can drag us around remember Oh that's right Yeah get me out of there Oh god now I'm in the corner Now I'm in the upper left. Damn it. Me and Charlie Benante are up in the upper left. All right, there we go.

Oh. Order is back. Did you guys feel me move you around? No. Oh, good. Did you just call me Emily Latala? What? Sandra Bryant,

I think. Oh, was it? I forgot. Well, I just, cause I told you that when I cut my hair, I looked like Roseanne,

Roseanne and Dana. So I just, that's what it's called. Oh, oh, I thought it was a call back to my pandemic scissor chop. Oh, anyway.

Nice. I was talking about Brian having a drummer moment. Dan, you want to thank some people yeah you know what I'm gonna thank you to everybody who is contributing to our

Patreon at the Stargoyle and Hayboss tiers you get your shoutouts like this hey

thanks Unicornicus thanks Unicornicus thanks Fartube420 thanks Fart thanks thank you Nino Derrico thank you the silver henny shelter

for homeless orcs and grells thanks silver thank you Kevin Hitt thank you wild garlic thank you a sad stupid child oh gosh thank you red leather yellow leather

tick tock ticka ticka to the tick, tick tock and you don't stop rocking. Thank you. Nice. Thank you, Jessica A. McCarty. Thank you, Matt. Did I do this already? I did that one already. Thank you. I got so screwed up by the tongue twister I went backwards.

Thank you, Arrowland. Thank you, MC Hoo-ha. Thank you, Dorian Ericos. And thank you, finally,. Thank you, MC Hoo-Ha. Thank you, Dorian Aracos. And thank you, finally, Just Some Anonymous Martin. Thank you. You're not anonymous. Nice delivery on that tongue twister,

my friend. I did my best. You sold the shit out of it. You please sell the shit out of a commercial for us. Sure will, Dan. This break is brought to you by Alan McBeal's Go-Kart Xanadu in Anaheim. In Anaheim did Ally McBeal a stately go-kart track decree

where Alf the Sacred River ran through caverns measureless to man down to a sunless sea. So twice five miles of fertile ground with walls and towers were girdled round and there were gardens bright with sinuous rills where blossom many an incense bearing tree and here were forests ancient as the hills enfolding sunny spots of greenery. In Anaheim! Dan?

Thanks, Blaine. Alright, well, it's time to get down into what happened last time on Nerd Poker. Our heroes decided to peek in a coffin and there's a fucking vampire and they're still fighting it. It's pretty much

it. Also, yes, just to recap the combat, Sarah is still down on fighting it. It's pretty much it. Also, yes, just to recap the combat, Sarah is still down on the ground. She's made and lost a saving throw, so she's at one success and one fail. Nathan is sort of ducked behind a mirror, or a Miro, as they say in Philly. We've got

Danny up on the coffin, made a few attempts at punching it to death, and we've got Jelf, Danny up on the coffin made a few attempts, uh, at punching it to death. And we've got Jelf who's been accosted. Lost quite a few, uh, hit points via bite to the neck. And Tootie's been attempting to be a heroic paladin with what spells he has at his disposal. The paladin, I believe, is coming up soon. But first, we've got Danny again. Danny you just saw the vampire

swoosh down and bite Jelf hard and he made this girly scream Ah Um Would Danny know anything about the lore of vampires? You know what I'll let you just do a freebie

history check why the hell not? Okay. Danny Telford does because of his years of playing Masquerade, right? Oh, absolutely. Yeah, I can tell you. Well, I do too because I saw Lost Boys in Near Dark in the same week, so

I kind of know. Dan, do we all think this vampire's pretty sexy? Yeah, you know, wearing some pleb and no. He's a merchant. He's wearing kind of know. Dan, do we all think this vampire is pretty sexy? Yeah, you know, wearing some pleb... No, he's a merchant. He's wearing kind of like, you know, travel... Does he have a teenage girlfriend? Does a modern vampire have a teenage girlfriend?

Oh, he's sparkly. Sparkly? He does not look like he recently... Angel, too. In the most recent Christopher Nolan movie I rolled an 18 for history Cool

Here we go Is there one area vampire How to kill him Let's see You know Would he know that wood does it and not chopping at him With his sword A piercing weapon made of wood would have to be driven directly into its heart.

Right. Also, you know with an 18, it cannot be inside a residence without an invitation. It can be harmed by running water quite significantly, and it is hypersensitive to sunlight. So it's probably... Put its hand in a bucket of water,

you can make it pee in its coffin. What time is it of the day? It's like mid-afternoon. Where are we as far as windows I could break? Funny you should ask. There are no windows in this room. However, there is light cascading into the room in the big foyer right behind you. We could use a mirror for.

Yeah. Yes. It's pretty heavy though. Heavy mirror. Break it. I don't need it. I've already got plenty of bad luck. Or just throw him out there.

Yeah. How far away is he from this sunlight that's coming in? He's right by the door. Sunlight's not coming in because the door is currently closed. Okay. I'm going to open the door. Okay.

So you're going to walk... If we look at all roll 20. You might need to get back in there, Brian. I think you may have. Okay. So you're going to walk, if we look at all roll 20, you might need to get back in there, Brian. I think you may have rolled 20. Okay. That's probably true. And we lure him out into the other room with like a trail of tasty necks. I think

we just go out there. Yeah, you can. The thing is, right now, Danny would run past him and incur an opportunity attack from the vampire. Jelf, you're currently being grappled by the vampire, and you cannot just wander out the door like you made your tokens. Oh, like that? Yeah. I'm suddenly down at Spencer's Gifts.

But Danny, you can open the door. I think you would know passive, I guess guess insight is the thing i'm getting at here um he would have to be in direct sunlight to take damage and suffer ill effects and so you know you'd have to get him into like the beams of a window wouldn't just like be able to open the door and instantly cause damage you know what i mean like you'd have to like through there and like right now he has to be yeah yeah it would be a little tricky. How thick are the walls of this building? I mean, you feel like they're at least, you know, what's a normal wall, like 10 inches thick?

Oh, okay. No, it's not a stone building. It is made largely of wood. It's a manor house. Oh, speaking of that, is there anything like a shelf or anything i could break or a chair yeah a little little reminder from last episode you could pretty easily smash that crate full of bone and sinew okay you get you get like a wooden plank like the size of a of a forearm will that take my whole turn to do that or yeah okay that's fine. I'm going to do that. I'm going to make

a stabbing weapon. I'm going to make a stake. If you look at the map, you're going to go back where Nathan is. I'm going to scoot you back there. You just smash instantly. See wood

around there. Let's make it fun. Can you do a survival check for me to see how nice this steak is? If you roll really high, it's going to be... I'll get into it. But it'll be a good steak. I'll say you want better than... Better than an 18 To get a super steak And better than a 5 to get a functioning steak

This is What was the roll history? Survival Yeah boss Yeah I do it I just do it, 18 right? Oh shit balls, that's great Alright so you

managed to get a stake that's extra long. It's like longer than elbow to middle finger. Like, it's pretty lengthy. You know what I mean? So you can use with two hands to get a good aim on it, and it really does feel like it's going to do a solid bit of damage. Like, just with the way

you smash, you instantly are kind of like able to rub it up against the chest next to it and kind of take off a little bit of extra wood and get it real sharp just in one quick kind of smash and swing. Alright, well what do we call it when is there any way I can prepare

for my next round to attack him? I forget. Well, if you hadn't used your action you could say, yeah, hold your action or be defensive stance, but you hadn't used your action, you could say, yeah, hold your action or be defensive stance. But you did make this. Okay. Okay. Well, that is it then. Well, I will throw this at

you. So you only moved five feet. You could run up to him and try to do flurry of blows with the stake. Oh, okay. Then that is what I will try. It's the beauty of a monk is that is your bonus action, so.

Yeah, so he turns around, looks at the guy, gives him one of those, you know, measuring him up with both hands like this, and then runs at him, and flurry Blows with the stake.

I'm wearing billowy clothes, so it's going to sound awesome, like... I heard you can hide an entire treasure chest inside your pants. So roll in the first flurry. Or you only roll once for flurry, right? Let's see. Great question. Just such a great question. It is, yes.

One roll. You're using a key point, though. Keep track of your key points. Oh, right. I did an unarmed strike earlier did that count to honor strike does not take a key point Oh flurry of blows mm-hmm shit y'all 15 plus 5 That's a 20. That is a 2-0, right? Roll your damage. You had me at shit. So, the damage is so small for...

Oh, okay. Seven. It's like a McFlurry of blows. All right, so he screamed. As you run across the room and just smash this into his back, you get right between his ribs. He screeches

and he careens backwards through the air and lands in his coffin face down. He is not dead, but he is like screaming face down into his coffin incapacitated. Work. Okay. Somebody put that thing further in, like just put a knee on his back or something.

You do think that this isn't going to kill him necessarily on its own, but you've got him incapacitated because of the stake. So if the stake is in there, it's going to sort of keep him pinned. But you've got an opportunity to sort of just do more damage or do a different kind of damage at this point. The stake itself isn't like the killer.

Okay. Cool. Well, I'm done, right? Yep. All right. Also, I'm still learning Floria blows, so I'm done, right? Yep. Alright. Also, I'm still learning Floria Blows, so I'm still figuring that out. I think... So you only roll once and you only get one damage

on Floria Blows. You roll twice. I mean, you can do a second unarmed strike. It's unarmed... Oh. It's like, how does this work? It's after you take an attack action, technically. But I'm going to let you have it

because you did create a weapon, which I'm treating like it's sort of similar. I'm cheating a little bit here to make it work. You spend a ki point to use this as a... Immediately after you take attack action... I think it's just like a bunch of little tiny hits that all add up. Well, it says you can do that here. That's how I would think it would be,

but in the description it says, first of all, you take it as a roll and then make two unarmed strikes. Oh. Ooh. So I get one more. Yeah. Yeah. Nah.

Not this time. Okay. 13's too low, right? Yes. Yeah. That's what I thought Yes You're just gonna like on this thing and it's still too hard to do damage with just your bare hands 2D, you are up I'm gonna pound him on the back with my warhammer

Alright Up to drive that stake further into him Roll to attack I'd say 20 Yay Roll that damage stake further into it. Roll to attack. That's a 20. Not a natural. Roll that damage. Alright. That is 6

plus 4. 10. What happened? You're not doing Thunderous Smite, are you? No, just the Warhammer. Okay. How do you want to see this vamp die? Ha ha.

Ha ha. I like him screaming into his pillow as I smash the stake further, deeper into his pillow as I smash the steak further, deeper into his heart. And he just sort of fades out of existence, I guess. What do you say as he fades out of existence into a pile of ash?

Sayonara. Oh, what a nice thing to say. Sucker, say sucker. You hear a screech. Oh, what a nice thing to say. Sucker, say sucker. You hear a screech. You just see a steak kind of leaning up against the little, uh, the little jewelry box that he had previously clutched in his hands. Iva, by the way, still on the ground. Uh, hey, Iva, do a third death saving throw, please.

Oh, dear. Alrighty. please. Oh dear. That is a two. I got two fails. What are you guys gonna do? I will go to Iva

and bind her wounds and try and stop the bleeding. You managed to stabilize Iva. Does Danny have paladin powers? Is this a healing thing? I do, but do I have a chance to do that now? Yes.

So I will lay hands. You're technically out of combat, but there is... She's got like a vein opened on her arm where the vampire snapped her bone. And so... Alright, so... I will

heal her as much as I can. Roll, roll to heal. What do I roll? Didn't you say you didn't have any left? That you can just use. Didn't we rest, though? No, I rested. You guys didn't you say you didn't have any left? You have a pool of hit points that you can just use. Didn't we rest, though? No, I rested. You guys

didn't. I thought you had rested since the last time you'd healed, but you didn't think you had, I think. Here's the thing. Iva is not going to have to do another death saving throw. She's stabilized, but she is at zero hit points, and she is

unconscious, and her arm is broken. death saving throw, she's stabilized, but she is at zero hit points and she is unconscious and her arm is broken. We need to sleep this off, I think. Yeah. Let's lock up in a room and rest. Which room

would you like to lock up in? There's a sleeping quarters downstairs you've been openly invited to use but that you all declined earlier i should remind you uh is it by the ice machine we can go to her room and sleep or yes you can uh stay upstairs and go in her room what do you guys say i could use some rest i'm down 16 points oh for room. What do you guys think? That room seems... I could use some rest. I'm down 16 points. Oh, for sure. But where do you want to sleep?

So could Danny, yeah. Let's use her room. That seems sort of insolent. Okay. We're just going to, like, Willy Wonka's grandparents style. Yes, head to foot. Just everybody squeeze into this giant bed.

Well, also, somebody's going to be keeping watch. We're definitely... Or you're going to do a long rest, right? Because you guys are sensitive. We have to do a long rest. Do I get points back, though, if we do a long rest? Or do I have to get healed back and then I can get points back? You can get points back,

but your arm is still broken. Interesting. Yeah. Interesting. Yeah. Alright. Who's going to watch? We'll probably have to take turns, right? If we need enough for everyone. I'll watch the first one. Also, it's unavailable for watch.

She has to rest for us. Danny eventually needs points, but I'll sit guard this first time. I certainly hope someone took... We're just staying in this room? No, we went to her room. I certainly hope that somebody took the little lockbox that

started this whole jam. Oh, I guess you couldn't have taken it. I will grab it. Great. So that is now in your possession, Tootie. So it was all worth it let's see if it works

I lay there unconscious I'll open the box before we go to sleep two vampires only like 10 minutes you know jelf is trying to get kind of cozy Nathan's flipping through his spells trying to relearn them and um there's a knock at the door

Octavio the butler is everything alright is flipping through his spells, trying to relearn them, and there's a knock at the door. Octavio, the butler, is everything alright? I heard screams. She's dying. Do you have anything? Ah, some aloe, maybe. I don't know if that would

heal, but it would feel good for a burn, or... I'm but a simple butler. He's not very helpful. Do you guys have any healing potions or anything? I don't think so. That was the whole origin of Sarah sleeping in the liquor cabinet. Gotcha.

That's why we got to get Tootie to sleep to be able to heal me, the liquor cabinet. Gotcha. Yeah, no, we don't know what it is. We got to get Tootie to sleep to be able to heal me, or you guys can just drag me back to the town. All right, well, in addition to your friend who is at death's door, there's some guards at the door right now.

They're a little concerned about the screaming dead night hag whose corpse is still on the front lawn. They're cleaning it up still. It's quite a mess. I'm still learning spells.

I could go down and talk to them. Does anyone want to come with me? I may cast something on you. Hang on one second. Where is it? I guess, well... And from this chasm with ceaseless turmoil seething as if this earth and thick fast pants

were breathing a mighty fountain momentarily was forced amid whose swift half intermittent burst huge fragments vaulted like rebounding hail or chaffy grain beneath a thresher's flail and mid the advancing rocks and once and ever it flung up momently the sacred river I will I was going to say I have a bonus to charisma but I can't give it to you

I thought I could cast it on you well at least we got a poem perhaps then Tootie should you speak to the guards? I have to rest. Oh, then you go rest, and I'll speak to the guards. So Nathan follows Octavio to the front door. Who?

Danny's. Do you want to keep watch, or do you want to just trust that Nathan sort of got things handled? Well, how far away is it from where i am i can still watch i mean they're down yeah they're downstairs uh you you can uh watch over them but they're a few doorways away okay yeah i'll sort of nod and and try to help nathan where i can are you gonna come with nathan or are you staying in the room and being watch? I guess I will stay in the room and be watch, yeah.

So why don't you roll a perception check real quick. Perception 13 plus 3. 16. It feels ominous as hell that there's a weird 13 plus 3, 16. Hey, alright. It feels ominous as hell that there's a weird black knight in the

next room just sort of staring at this jewel, but other than that, things are pretty quiet. Also, you're not quite going to be able to hear this, but Nathan, you get taken downstairs. You go through the room with the knight staring at the ring.

As we walk through again, I will try and message him again and go, just passing through letting you know no harm shall come to you from us. My name is Nathan. Again, you just hear in response this sort of

kind of like a humming noise. And then you and Octavia. I'll ask Octavia. Do you know that person's name? Oh, the night. No, I've never seen it.

I've never seen it speak, but, uh, uh, we, we do not, we do not linger there. I,

I'm told that it will, it will be consequences from the night should you touch the ring. Did you not notice it flexing? Like it's doing sort of this forward shoulder roll, like very much like, check out me. Do you not see that? Well, it sounds like you've got a little bit of chemistry

with that knight, if you know what I'm saying. Do you? I've never noticed that before. Let's go to the front door. We have run into that conversation more than I've had

for you two. You head to the front door, and there are two city guards. They look like they're wearing kind of like this weird shoulder piece that maybe all the guards get, but other than that, they look like a couple of bandits. Like a pauldron?

Yeah. They look like these city pauldrons that were sort of sitting in a bin and were handed out to whatever bandits were willing to be city guards. They introduced themselves as Plinkerton the Uninitiated and Dooligan Buntpurse.

And Dooligan says, alright, what is the meaning of this thing? 15 plus 5 points at the Nighthack Corpse. What even is that? Apparently,

it was been taken over by that creature. Nighthack corpse. What even is that? Apparently Is this your house? It was been taken over by that creature. We are currently clearing it out. There is a vampire inside. I do not think you should handle it. So there's also another invisible gigantic creature in the other corner. We are

dealing with it. Muttering? And hopefully we'll be able to report to you in no time at all that everything's fine. New persuasion check. Persuasion. Ooh, 18. All right. Fair enough.

No more to mess with all that. Yep. Dooligan, is it? Yes! I will be sure to let your commanding officer know what an excellent job you've done. He kind of like straightens himself up. Alright! Alright! And they head out.

They do mention offhand that they're going to let Lord Thudskull know that the manor has changed hands recently and that surely there's some town record that will need to be adjusted at some point. You seem to have quelled the city guard's attention for now. It does seem very laissez-faire, what goes on from the level of concern they had over the whole thing, but again, this seems

like a rough-and-tumble city. It's a city of bandits. You head back upstairs? Sure. And as we're going back up, I'll suddenly pick up the conversation with Octavia and go, I wasn't flirting. I was making an observation about a potential

enemy. Chemistry is the wrong word. If you're going to sexualize everything, I don't know what kind of relationship we're going to be able to have. He blushes and he nods and doesn't say anything.

You head back into the room. Is anyone going to take over watch for Danny so he can sleep? I'll take watch. Pretty much the options are 2D or Jelf. I'm just trying to get the hit points back. Right. Yeah, I can stay up. Okay, so Danny's going to crash.

Roll perception check jelf nathan i assume uh you're done kind of flipping through spells 15 plus 5 with a proficiency yep okay um yeah you know you think you hear octavio muttering something to himself down in the foyer. He just seems upset. And it's still kind of like leading up to midnight. You guys went to bed quite early. And yeah, other than that, nothing.

Muttering? He just seems very worried about all the things going on. He doesn't know what the future of his employment is going to be. Just a lot of stuff to that. You hear him trying to clean up at one point. He's out in the foyer trying to tidy up, and you hear him kind of like open and close the door and then mutter to himself like he thought about going in the treasure room

and then thought against it. He's nervous. You know, because I have a thing, Mask of the Wild, I can attempt to hide even when I'm only lightly obscured. Is there a way to put that into sort of a stealth context and follow him down? I mean, I have a plus four stealth. Like, maybe follow him down the hall and see if he

just keeps muttering. Yeah, do a stealth. One. So I guess I'm going to drop my box of light bulbs and it'm going to drop my box of light bulbs and it's going to activate my turntable and it's going to go, splish, splash, I was taking a bath.

He's out in like that second floor balcony in a foyer. He's opening the treasure room door and peeking in and sheepishly going, should I clean it? I don't know. I don't want the new masters to be upset. Am I even employed anymore? I don't know. He hears you drop a bunch of shit as you enter the hallway

and he goes, oh! He makes direct eye contact with you. My egg salad! Okay. You just say my egg salad and uh hey octavio hey sorry he's egg salad sorry i was trying to wait with the whole set of it i'd like to make you some egg salad in the kitchen uh i'm not doing anything well Well, you know, it's getting late, and I'm really hurt, but hey, let's have some eggs. It couldn't hurt. That rhymes, right?

Hurt with hurt. I'm down to like 16 hit points. Beastie Boys did it a couple of times. I'm up real late, and I'm getting hurt. No, I mean, rhyme the same word with the same word. Oh, same word with the same word. Word! Yeah.

Well, you and Octavio head to the kitchen and you try to think about how you could potentially together resurrect the Beastie Boys and figure out how to rhyme various Indian dishes with local references in Williamsburg. And then you head back to that, I assume. Yeah, I'm going to try to come up with something with Mulligatawny and Scrawny. That's about it. Good work.

Who's going to take third watch? We need three different four-hour stretches here because everyone is that fucked up and there's that much going on, so everyone needs at least eight hours I've had eight now yes you have

I'll take this one you and they're the only one who really is available so great before you die could you heal me if he on your watch

you could heal her so she okay well do you don't have to give me back full right because if he gives me back some then I can start regaining my rest yeah also if he yeah go ahead and roll me yeah we're laying on hands

are you going to do that or not? do I have to roll for that? well I can pull it up I think you can just decide so it's up to 15 points of healing yeah the three people who need healing I'll give five each

well it's really yeah So I'll... The three people who need healing, I'll give five each. Well, it's really... Yeah. They're going to automatically... Danny, Jelf, and Iva. How do I put this? Yes. You really just need to... You can get Iva...

How many were you down, Iva? What's your max hit points? My max is 15. But I mean, I think if I'm resting and he gets me up a little bit, then do I get I mean, I think if I'm resting and he gets me up a little bit, then do I get the rest of them back as I'm resting? Yeah, so I'm saying you're up 10 right now. He only needs

to give you 5, but if you get any magical healing at this point, it's going to heal your arm. So you spend 5 hit points on Iva and Jelf will get all his hit points back from sleeping. Oh, okay. So you can just let Jelf sleep, spend some on points back from sleeping. Oh, okay. So you can just let Jelf sleep, spend some on Iva,

and she can wake up fully healed. Great. So what about Danny? He needed healing too. Again, if you let him and Jelf sleep, they'll get their healing longer. Oh, yeah, you're right. Okay, perfect. It's really Iva who's going to wake up with a broken arm unless you spend some magic healing on her.

So I'm going to do the five. Yep. Mark that off. And this is again, you got to do another long rest to get more serve those 10 for the rest of the day. And I've are you going to just kind of hang or are you going to be sort of up with 2D at this point? be sort of up with 2D at this point. I'm fully back then? Yeah. I guess I would just hang, I'll watch with 2D and I would ask him what was in that Oh yeah, I'll get rid of the box.

As soon as I wake up, I'm like, bing! What was in that box? Here, have a look. I have a look. Alright. So good. You paid the greater price. I mean, that's one way of looking at it.

One way of looking at it is you dragged everybody down with me and now I'm taking the rewards, yes. About the size of a cigar box, but it does have a metal clasp on the front of it with a little jewel on it. You think the box itself

could be worth something. Nice. You pop open box itself could be worth something. Nice. You pop open the metal clasp without checking and take 300 points of necrotic damage. Just kidding. I was about to check, but... I have to go back to sleep.

Just a cursor examination. You're like, oh, he protected this, but there's no trap on this box. He was no trap on this box. He was the trap. Pretty much. You open the box. You find a golden hairpin that's probably worth a great deal of money.

It's got some sort of peacock design on it. You find a platinum piece that's quite a lot of money. Hold on. Golden hairpin. With a peacock design? Peacock design. Mm-hmm.

A very small but very detailed charcoal drawing of a drow woman. Mm. And what looks like a map to some sort of island continent. Oh, no.

I'm trying to get out and pull me back in. You just watched Godfather 3? I just feel like we're going to always circle back to Pulling me back in. You just watched Godfather 3? I just feel like we're going to always circle back to like Dessa or whatever. That's what's going to keep happening. Oh, do you want me to make Sarah Gazzardo do an insight check as to what this means? Yes.

Do a Sarah Gazzardo insight check. Yeah. What's your intelligence? In real life. No, your wisdom. What's your intelligence? Um, in real life? No, your wisdom. What's your real life? My wisdom? Hmm.

13, 12, 12. All right. So plus one to your wisdom. Um, okay. That's a,

a nine. Hmm. Feels like maybe it's got something to do with the campaign that you weren't here for but uh oh interesting okay well then that means all the rest of you listen up huh good luck with that what happened i heard ken making a noise ivan tootie you can do a history check if you want to know what the map is about other than that um it looks just sort of like valuable, a drawing of someone you're definitely not familiar with. History check.

Are you ready for your history check? Mr. T-Check, are you ready for your Mr. T-Check? I pity the fool who isn't. That was a big fat six. Yeah, you don't recognize this in your travels. Iva, did you roll? I already did. You mean...

You can do a history for the map. Oh, great. Okay. I did not and I will. That is a natural 20 plus three. Oh, shit. All right. that is a natural 20 plus three oh shit all right well this is an island continent known as amina that is in the ocean it's uh smaller than australia but equally large for a continent and uh yeah you know it's got a significant population of elves and dwarves. Okay, wait, just a sidebar then to the rest of the players.

Does anyone remember an elf vampire? Would this have been someone that you guys knew on Amina? Is this like a deal that you guys recognize from the game that I did not play? Good question. Yeah. Thank you. I mean, there's so many listeners. I'm talking to the guy with the zero memory none of the characters

will be able to I know I was asking them I was just asking the players but that's all right it's quite all right I'm sure I was not there for that sorry yeah but yeah a lot of blank phases it's all there for that yeah but uh yeah we'll have to look it up

a lot of blank phases um but uh as everyone wakes up are you going to share this information yeah I'll just be like I know this is this place called Amina I don't know anything about it or I know what I know I guess

but I'm not familiar with it beyond Jelf you would recognize you are from Amina. I don't know anything about it. Or I know what I know, I guess, but I'm not familiar with it beyond. Jelf, you would recognize you are from Amina originally. Oh, right. Oh, my home that I love? Sorry, you guys. I was thinking of Alderaan.

Plus, I was just in a medically induced coma for eight hours. A merchant's route to Amina. It's a merchant's route to Amina. There's a couple of outlet cities with a Nike direct place. There's Kiehl's. I think there was a KB, but they closed it. And they have a Rubio's.

It's like Racine, Wisconsin. It is. It really is. But it's bigger and it's longer. And it's magical and dangerous. And we might die on it. But oh, and there's a Joanne Fabrics. You know, listeners would do well if you remember what's going on here to head on over to the NerdPoker Wiki

and maybe tweet a link to certain pages to our players. The NerdPoker Wiki. There's a version of it that has been recently updated, I will say. Someone is... People are really trying especially to get like... Get a pretty updated version of the episode breakdowns. Cool! If anyone wants to Google it,

there's two versions. It's not the version of the Earwolf days that you might see. There's a pretty updated version. Anyway, it's on Fandom. If you know that website, Fandom Wiki stuff. Cool. Yeah, so

you guys find that don't know much to make with it except it looks like maybe this vampire is planning on making their way to that place at one point.

You don't know who the fuck this drow is. Well, they dead now. I think it might Let's go check out this cellar. It might all have something to do with the cabal but you're

you know, unsure of what that would be yet. Heading to the cellar, eh? So, you... Maybe we can sell the map. We can sell this. Well, we got a platinum piece. And I say we because really, you guys did

the heavy lifting here, and I appreciate each and every one of you. I make eye contact as I say it. Now, Dan, this is sort of like a hotel. Did you just say, ugh? Or like a hostel or a hotel kind of thing where people are coming through, right? You feel like at this point,

the person who owned this building is dead and it's basically yours. Okay, and the vampire... Downside is there could be other members of the cabal who could eventually maybe, yes, like show up. I definitely feel like this is our

hangout. Our gang gets to be here now. I'm putting like a sign outdoors with like upside down letters that's like we didn't decide so whatever TBD you know stay out

the cutie sign out front there's a hell of a time to come up with a team name but no it appears spooky kooks kooks spooky kooks the boinkons No, it appears. Spooky Kooks. Spooky Kooks? Spooky Kooks. Spooky Kooks!

The Boinkons! The Boinkons. I feel like the Boinkons is pretty good. I saw somebody said the Marooned Five, which is bad. If only that wasn't a band of a certain type. Okay, well... The Awesome type. Oh my god, everyone's actual anger

when I just said that. I have no stake in Maroon 5. I don't... Things are fine. I don't... I mean, I don't... How much do you own of Maroon 5? Yes.

Are you related to the Maroon 5? I'll have to check my collection but his name is joey maroon five if i'm not mistaken um all right we long guy to the cellar five i'm not going to make you guys go down to the cellar if you don't want to because i already feel like i'm far away i want to go down octavio told us he was not allowed down there so So for sure, we need to look-see. Okay, great. And we're all on the same page. Then we'll deal with the Black Knight. And is there anything else in this room that the vampire had?

Like, did he have a travel bag? Did he have, like, a chest of drawers? Did he have a microwave? A hot plate with blood on it? This was his belongings. You have looted the vampire. Okay. This was his belongings.

You have looted the vampire. Okay. Unless, you know, you would like his merchant robes. And that's a no. So, you head downstairs to go check out the backyard, and Octavio has prepared an elaborate breakfast for you. Really? There are quail eggs and pancakes

and orange juice. He directs you into the dining hall where he's set up quite a feast. I'm going to go ahead and reveal the dining hall to y'all. I'm trying to anyway. Five miles meandering with a mazy motion

through Woodendale, the sacred river ran, then reached the cavern's measureless demand and sank in tumult to a lifeless ocean. And mid this tumult, Kubla heard from far ancestral voices prophesying war. The shadow of the dome of pleasure floated midway on the waves, where it was heard the mingled measure from the

fountain in the caves. It was a miracle of rare device. A sunny pleasure dome with caves of ice. That sounds like some Rush lyrics. Where is this coming from? I was going to say, do we have to pay rights to use

Jabberwocky? What is happening? It's Xanadu. Oh, thank you. Nice. I don't know the reference. Olivia Newton-John, fucking Google it. I thought it was a citizen king. Go consult the Olivia Newton-John

wiki, and yep. Sounds accurate. Wisconsin Dells wasn't there a Zandu has a phone yes I was just realizing no one's from the Midwest but then two of you are so the Dells

and I've been to the Dells but I don't remember so you head into the dining hall you can eat if you want um but uh behind the dining hall is the solarium where there are uh there's a giant plant and other plants it's all sort of falling into decay things are looking a little rough back there um octavio tells you uh they've been restocking the kitchen for a while but there hasn't been guests in some time since lady mesramineaine betrayed some members of the Cabal.

So she says he apologizes for the state of the solarium and the yard, so to speak, but there is still a well-stocked kitchen. Which were the rooms that you were forbidden to go into, Octavio? The treasure room and the cabal room. And also the cellar

in the back. I've been occasionally in all the rooms for a moment, but I've never been in the cellar. And that's the cabal room there? Sort of a southwest corner? Yes. And what's this up here in the sort of more northwest corner?

That is the sleeping quarters with enough beds for four people. And we were in that big giant bed. You stayed upstairs and just shared a bed for I guess intimacy reasons? It was cold. Yeah. Shall we plunge down into the cellar? Yes. Let's do it.

Let's go. Okay. You head to the cellar door. It is of course sealed shut somehow you kind of pull on these doors as the illustration shows by your amazing dungeon master

there is sort of like a double door that's made of wood but a little hard to pull up you kind of grab the handles and give it a yank and it just doesn't even budge a little bit it's it stays completely still as you pull up on and it just doesn't even budge a little bit. It stays completely still as you

pull up on it. It doesn't even shudder in your hands. Does it feel magical or does it feel more locked? Feels like some kind of either very good lock or magical lock. Okay, can I investigate it and try to pick it? Roll that investigation.

Okay, that's a 22. 22? You can tell that there is some sort of lock either akin to or of the same school that locked the tower door when you were with that big invisible jerk. So there's some spell keeping this door extra locked. Interesting.

And no one has to spell magic, right? No. Unfortunately, I think that's a bit more powerful than I am. I'm a simple country rabbit. If you're not familiar, I mean, that doesn't necessarily mean brute strength can't do the trick here. It's just maybe it would take a lot of brute strength. Okay.

Who's the strongest? It's not me. Probably Tootie. Tootie. Tootie. Kick that door. Kick it in. Perhaps with a prayer to your god, Tootie. Tootie. Tootie. Kick that door. Kick it in. Perhaps with a prayer to your god, Tootie.

Oh yeah. Let's get Bahamut involved. Bring a lot of doors. He's trying to stay out of it. What's that? Do you want to do a religion check? Sure. What's that? Do a religion check? Sure.

Let me see what I have for religion. Okay. That is a 12. Hmm. Interesting. Yeah, you know, you don't really get much assistance per se, but you do feel some gratitude. It does feel like that vampire you slayed was some sort of great danger to the world

and Bahamut seems to fill you with a warmth because of it. This particular door, it does feel like you're either going to have to dispel it or you can pick a lock or you can rip it open

but the check is going to be really high you know what I mean yeah well look let me try to strengthen it open okay give me what they call a strength check

I believe in you 2D if the power of your god is what you say it is this door shall be no problem whatsoever. Plus 4 to this, right? That's... Yes. Let me see. Is that what it is?

Yeah. So, 15. Ooh! Try as you might, it does not budge. I believe in you Iver your lockpicking skills are beyond anything any other thief

has ever considered I wanted to do one I should give it to her this is overdue do you do a slight of hand check please these pep talks you're like the Josh Gondelman of rabbits you're next 20 oh shit talks. You're like the Josh Gondelman of rabbits. You're next.

20. Oh, shit. Well, alright. You really kind of work your tool between the door hinges, and it takes a lot of time, but that sounded grosser than I meant it to. Chris was made of... You said work

your tool. Chris made a face. I laughed. Look, it's what happened. Okay? We can't go back in time and change it. Or can we? Ken, show your invention. You open this door with a loud...

With your dick. I love you, Dad. your dick. I love you, Dan. We're all so old. I love you, Dan. I love you a lot. Like, more than you'll ever know. I guess we'll find out what's on the other side of the door on the next episode. Oh, yay.

Of Nerdy Poker, our first of 2021 year. Guaranteed to be as troubling as the last, but at least... No! It's going to be good. Oh, it'll be weird, though. Like, it's going to be weird.

Yeah, it'll be a weird year, but at least you won't wake up every morning looking at your phone going, what the fuck did he say? Maybe not everyone else, but I will. Hey, Sam. Hey. Alright, this week we're battling a vampire

and this week's Blaine we ignored is It's Like a McFlurry of Blows. Danny knocked the vampire into his coffin and Tootie finished him off. We're taking a rest to recuperate and Octavio's ratio of helping us to just talking to us straight up sucks.

One of the bandits, Plinkerton, reminds me that Weezer was once an incredible band and is now in some sort of mean joke. We found a gold hairpin and a map to a place that Jelf was from but had to be reminded of that and Ava picked a door.

And finally, it occurs to me in my initial Dungeons and Dragons questions years ago I never asked if characters can fuck each other, but judging by Octavio I'm about to find out. Oh boy. They can and they will That was a fun one man

Nice job Dan Anybody got any plugs? Dan do you want to plug your shows? Yeah please check me out on Twitch Fridays At 7pm Pacific I am at twitch.tv So I should help for Dan And also yeah I do have a show at 7 p.m. Pacific. I am at twitch.tv. It's time for Diane. And also, yeah, I do have a show

coming up on Twitch for Hot Tub with Kurt Braunohler and Kristen Schaal. Please do check out that over there. Hey, and this is not for me at all. I have no investment in this, but if

anybody likes their hard rock to sound like it's from the 80s and are interested in checking out new things there's a band out of india that has been going for a little while but i just found them myself they're called garish and the chronicles and i swear to god it sounds like 1987 Sunset Strip. It's fucking awesome. They're trying to bring rock back a lot. Like, their whole MO is about bringing rock back and doing it the right way. They're like Steel Panther if they were actually not a joke.

Like, these guys are for real. And I love Steel Panther, but Garish and the chronicles uh these four dudes out of india the singer is named garish uh and he has so much fucking power to his voice if you like guys that can sing like sebastian bach that kind of shit i mean it's not joke hair metal it's not the cheesy stuff it's the good shit the stuff that i still love and i'm so behind this band i think anybody that likes hard rock shit could check them out, and then they will be going, what the fuck? Why are people in the States buying our music now? But let's do it.

Let's help Garish. And that's it for me. I don't care about my other shit. I'm so into this record. Cool. Anything else? Happy 2021, everybody. We're in it.

Happy New Year, you guys. Let's bring the level up. Well, we will be when this... No, this is the last one, right? Oh, right. Okay. This is it. Blaine? Plans with Stace?

We're ringing in the new year at a bouncy castle that's inside the ball that's being lowered in a socially distant fashion in Times Square. Not the one in, not that Times Square. You guys are in a bouncy castle. Yeah. What are you doing in the bouncy castle?

Bouncing. Okay. Are you going to be mic'd? Are you going to be like emceeing this thing? Oh yeah, we're totally mic'd. It's just you and the Kitchenator in a bouncy castle inside of a ball that's going to be dropped.

They're going to find all the magic in editing. But it's going to be fun. If there's not high wind winds i'm just concerned about the wind oh no it's good we we ran it a couple we ran it a couple times and i'm i'm concerned about the wind happy new year so good thanks for listening everybody Thanks for listening, everybody. Thanks for listening to another episode of Nerd Poker. You can follow us at patreon.com slash nerdpoker,

and you get bonus episodes from there. And you can also send us anything at P.O. Box 16069, Encino, California, 91416. Thanks for listening