Nerd Poker - S4E19 Leviathan's Spiral

Episode Date: January 19, 2021

It's time to track down the Filament of Dongle and see why they went missing inside the Leviathan's Spiral. What's that? A map that is almost definitely phallic? You know it.

Hey everybody, I'm Brian Pussain, Comedian, writer, actor, nerd. I've been playing D&D with my friends for a long time. I decided to do a new podcast where we play Dungeons & Dragons in my very own dining room. With my wife, kid, and my noisy dogs. So meet my friends... Sarah Kev Dan

Lee Chris Now it's time for another episode of Brian Poussaint's Nerd Poker. Season 4. Hey, everybody. I'm Brian Poussaint. You're listening to Brian Poussaint's Nerd Poker. It's episode 19, and all my friends are here.

I see their faces. They're all delightful. Chris, hey, buddy. Hi, Brian. How are you? I'm good. How are you? Good.

Ken is here. Hi. Hello. Sarah. Hi, Brian. Hello. Ramen's already ready. He's waving.

We're not up there yet. And Blaine. Hello, Blaine. Oh, hi. Hey, happy new year. Our DM, Dan. Hey, buddy. Hey, Brian.

And in the upper left, Raman and Sam. That looks insane. It looks like he's really waving. And I know what you're doing, but my god it's great when you think about what if what if some sort of giant monster came into your apartment and sort of held you on its lap and then grabbed your arm and made you wave and told you he loved you an inch from your face oh he won't let me out of the house except the poop

Dan anybody that I'd like to thank or anything oh my god you know what in honor of the new year I'm gonna go ahead and thank a few people thank you to these lovely Patreon supporters you know what they're just so great.

I marvel every day at their delightful visages. Their delightful visages go, oh my gosh, and I open the file and it's corrupted. So that's always fun. I'm going to try this again. Hey, Blaine, I need an early time killer here because- Yeah, what are corrupted files brought to you by? Yeah, I have a new spreadsheet, folks

These corrupted files are brought to you by Thai food How's that sound? You up for Thai food? If you want pizza, pizza would be faster, I guess We probably have more of it Okay Pizza Back to you, Dan

Thanks, Blaine I'm not ready I need to pause oh okay sorry this second break brought to you by car alarms letting you know a motorcycle drove by

car alarms three and a half minutes then another three and a half minutes car alarms. Three and a half minutes. Then another three and a half minutes. Car alarms, Dan. Aw, thanks, Blaine. I'm almost ready. God, this sucks.

Sorry, guys. This third break brought to you by Dawn, Chicago-style deep dishwashing liquid. You got to try some when you're in Chicago. It gets the dishes so clean. Dawn Chicago style deep dishwashing liquid. Dan. Thank you, Blaine, for continuing to go after I was trying to pause everything and not actually prompt you for a commercial because I was too frustrated.

All right. We're back up. You guys, i hate technology i used to work in it a long time ago and now anything that involves technology that requires me to learn something new sends me into a deep sort of spiral of despair and i'm pushing through it to thank you our beloved patreon supporters at the hay boss uh and stargoyle tiers you go by names like albert keistein thank you albert keistein thank you alisa gonzalez thank you andrew tomovich thank you anne marie thank you anthony jiro. Thank you, Blaine's Successful Pre-Hobbit. Thank you, Brian Hall.

Thank you, Brian Plato. And he spells it P-L-A-I-D-E-A-O. And then he helpfully puts Plato in a parenthetical, so I know what's happening there. Thank you, Brian's Genuine Boinkones from the people who brought you airport bags. Thank you, Callum Kennedy. genuine boing cones from the people who brought you airport bags uh thank you callum kennedy thank you dan telfer's manicurist thank you deckard skill so and thank you of course dr woosh um you know what blaine i know we've already had some commercials but i feel like just out

of habit i have to ask you who are those patreon supporters brought to us by that's okay dan those patreon supporters brought to you by tide pod gel caps finally goes down easy tide pod gel caps and oreo sour cream and chive stuff that's enough oreo sour cream and chive stuff dan thanks blaine guess what it's also time for what happened last time Time on Nerd Poker. That's right. A hard transition to make up for all the stalling earlier. Our heroes went deep. Blaine's child made me laugh. Our heroes went deep into the jungle for a sec to traverse to another city that's not Bling Bottom called Flasecola.

There they went to a bar called the Bucket of Poison and met a couple of rangers who might be onto something similar to what they want. You know, it's been a while, so I'm going to kind of drop the narrator voice and just sort of chat it out to make sure our heroes actually remember what's going on because we haven't played in like three weeks, man. It's been like a minute.

So yeah, if you guys remember back in ye olde 2020 the year that would not die you went to this new town you you hired a carriage out here and you went to this bar and you're kind of trying to find uh those monks because you thought those monks might be able to help you find the incredibly powerful bahamut hammer um you had some leads on it but you didn't know exactly how to find it where to get it sounds super dangerous and you're supposed to sort of like scout for these monks and lucky you you went to this tavern and you found some rangers who were claiming at least to be trying to hunt down these monks because their temple had been ransacked and so you know nathan being the helpful little bunny man that he is telepathically reached out to them

to show that how you guys were powerful and kind of like you know worthy of their time and they were just sort of whispering the beginnings of what they were up to uh and you guys kind of came over and and so you're just in the beginning of sort of negotiating the beginnings of what they were up to. And you guys kind of came over. And so you're just in the beginning of sort of negotiating whether you're interested in going with them. You haven't gotten their names yet. You're not sure how safe their plan is. And also,

if I'm not mistaken, you're not a hundred percent sure of like how you want to deal with the mystery of the monks yet. You haven't gone to their temple so you're taking their word for it so to speak if you uh go with them i forget was danny aware of their temple or of uh you've heard of them and yeah like you you would be able to find their temple based off of a history roll you made a few episodes ago but um you know you're you're I don't I would say you Danny probably haven't been to

the temple itself it's not like your temple right now wasn't there an artifact or something with the temple did you just say that yeah the hammer right the hammer is either like like related to this monk

clan or the monks know of it. But you think the hammer itself might be in a different part of the continent. They're supposed to be the keepers of that knowledge. And then if Tootie has a hammer... Yeah, according to these two rangers

something happened to them. If I had that hammer, I'd hammer in the morning. Oh. Like my neighbors. two rangers, something happened to them. If I had that hammer, I'd hammer in the morning. Oh. Like my neighbors. Well, do you guys want to hear more of their spiel?

Yes. I'd love to help 2D get a hammer. The stronger our group is, the better for all of us, right? Absolutely. Do we trust these guys? Danny would like to help fellow monks, but it's just, I also have the same question as Blaine.

They have to earn my trust. Yeah, I mean, you got an inside roll off of them last episode, and they just seem sort of morally gray, a little shady. They don't seem nefarious. But, yeah, they haven't introduced themselves yet. You haven't really got into it. Are they like mercenaries? yeah, they haven't introduced themselves yet. You haven't really... Are they like mercenaries? Yeah, they get hired to do this?

So they tell you, first of all, their names. Their names are Grigsby Silverskin and Tuco the Musty Boy. They're a couple of rangers who normally live their lives out in the jungle. And they try to... They're kind of mercenaries they get hired by the city of flazacola to keep some of the monsters away from the borders of town and they often check in with any adventuring party going to try to also do that because the city trusts these two they say to be sort of like the the official sort of uh ranger guards of flazacola um but they're

they're still hired guns they're not like official city employees it's all under the table and they talked to the monks from the filament of dongle while they were going on an expedition out into the jungle and uh they noticed it had been a while so they went to go check in at the temple and it looked like the temple had been unattended for the for a while maybe like a week or so and uh just some random burglars had broken in and ransacked the place and gone through everything so they're they're kind of worried about the monks because the place had been burglarized and you get the sense that as long as they're telling the truth that you would have discovered by patriots quick yes uh approval of the joke um yeah so you you you know feel like maybe if you had just gone

straight to the temple you would have found that yourselves and uh yeah instead you found out through these two well danny's definitely intrigued uh was there something else at this bar though that we could have there was another possible mission right well there there's a lot going on in this bar if you had if you had rolled a 25 in your investigation check you would have found the bag of magic gems that are under the bar if you had rolled a 32 on a perception check you would have seen all the ghosts that hold the secret of existence that live in the ceiling fans um if you had rolled uh 73 on your history check you would have remembered that this is the bar all the gods used to have their poetry salons in back in the 30s um but uh no this is the this is the main

thing that you've discovered in the bar okay you can you can look around some more and i'm just fucking with that ghost thing sounded great yeah let's do that thanks i saw zeus bagoge in here when i was in college yeah you know there might be other stuff going on in the bar but um you do feel like by seeking these rangers out you found uh especially organically it came up that they were looking for the filament of Dongle. You found something that is more. Relevant than you expected. Yeah.

I mean that's what we were doing. That's where we were going. Yeah. I don't think you guys. You were just going to crash here for the night. You weren't expecting to bump into rangers on the same mission. We were already headed that way. So their plan.

Their plan was to. Before you guys showed up and just started chatting them up to leave tonight to head out through the jungle and they are you guys getting paid? they look at each other

and they say we're not being paid much but yes we are being paid to look into what happened the city's paying you who's the city is the city is paying us to find out what happened to the filament of donga the filament of donga is their their temple is valuable it it's both the symbolic and monetary gain for the city to keep up the temple and keep the monks in our city. And yes,

they're concerned. Do I, do I, can I tell whether I think that they're lying when they get an insight check? Hey, and then while you're rolling, Blaine has a question.

I think I'm going to get a drink. Does anybody want to drink? I'll help you. Jove hot rhymes. so i'm gonna i'm just gonna walk over to the bar and get another round of stuff for everybody all right they carry the tray they've got uh two kinds of beer they've got barely bitter beer and extremely bitter beer okay they cost just a silver a piece oh okay well I'm gonna ask the bartender

hey are those guys on the up and up before I take them these here cups do a persuasion check please Jeff 17 do a persuasion check please Jeff uh 17

nice they've been here before sure sure uh do you trust him well do I oh go please finish what you're going to say no no no please please stop i heard that thing about the cup earlier i got real excited and i was like oh

i interrupted another one i thought the cup thing was going to sound better and it didn't oh i liked it ah oh thanks yeah i mean they they they they seem to just generally not be bothered by the rangers they've come in before but they don't know anything about the Rangers. Okay. All right. I'm going to fireball a kid. Is there a kid nearby? No.

Fireball a kid. Sorry. Nowhere. It's weird, but it feels like it's been about two campaigns since I've allowed any children in at all. Good move. It's like a Chuck E. Cheese. since I've allowed any children in at all. Into the universe. Good move. It's like a Chuck E. Cheese. You can't come into the campaign with kids. You have to go to a kid's bar to do that.

But yeah, you know, you get some... How many beers are you buying? I'm just going to get around for everybody. Just another replacement. I just wanted to see if I could get some info out of the bartender, a vibe on the guy make a note that you are down seven silver whoever is keeping track of jelf's i have money to blame if that helps what did you get on your roll there sarah 16 uh they seem like they're hiding something but they haven't really lied they just seem like they keep like doing a little 15 degree turn to the left when it comes to certain aspects of what you're up to

do they seem to be like looking towards anybody or at somebody or at a specific thing um well i'll i'll roll i'll throw this in with the because she beat the 15 um iva you do notice like they're whenever you ask about like like uh where they're going or like what the next step is their eyes just kind of dart to the the sides back and forth like they're they're worried about something okay because i i can use my eye for detail feature which is a bonus action to make a perception check, then to spot a hidden creature or object or to uncover decipher clues. So I don't know if I can do that as part of my action of this.

Yeah, what is the result that I have to reward? It's just basically I can use a bonus action during my turn to make a perception check to spot a hidden creature or object or make an investigation check to uncover or decipher clues. You can do it. I will allow an investigation check to uncover or decipher clues. Okay. Oh, guess what? I rolled one.

However, I'm now level four. Nice. And as always, I took a feat instead of taking those extra ability score points. Gazzardo feats. And now, Gazzardo loves her feats. Oh, that's a weird website somewhere. Let's forget we heard that. Yeah, please never.

I don't want to see any tweets about this. Okay. Yeah, please never. I don't want to see any tweets about this. Okay. Now my feat is lucky, where I have three luck points per long rest. So whenever I make an attack roll, ability check, or saving throw,

or when an attack roll is made against me, I can spend one to roll an additional d20, and I get to choose. But I can only choose to spend the luck point after i roll the die but before the outcome is determined so i'm going to assume that a one is not going to be it no chief so i'm going to go ahead and roll again using one of my luck points for my investigation check this time i get a 22 oh oh lucky yeah so you notice they're like decked out with gear kind of under their robes you see like kind of like like they've got a cloak and like in the cloak they've got potions kind of lined up um they've got what appears to be a couple of holy symbols

and like a prayer book too so it just seems like this whole they're they are going somewhere extremely dangerous so they're so you kind of put it together and you're like oh there's only two of them that's why they're just inviting you this is this is going to be some rough rough stuff how do the what are the how do the prayer books indicate it's dangerous? You would know that these are meant to be spells that they can cast. That they've probably learned some sort of

religious protection spell from these books. So it's like these two guys are loaded for bear. Got it. So noting that, I say to them, do you have a sense of what it is that might be responsible for this? Look at them very carefully when they answer. They say, yes, we're going somewhere called the Leviviathan spiral it is uh deep in the jungle is this sort of gigantic structure

that no one knows where it came from but it's been in the jungle for centuries it looks sort of like the carapace of a dead animal but it's 20 times higher than the trees it looms large you may have even seen it in your carriage if you traveled here during the day it was in some midnight oil videos oh oh i i actually missed it because uh i was too the the sky was covered by smoke from the beds burning but uh the um the leviathan spiral is sort of this hollowed out sort of curly thing uh and it there they think the monks went in there to try and vanquish some sort of evil and they haven't come back um and there are believed to be very dark denizens living inside this hollowed out spiral thing uh this thing is not

well uh regarded adventurers avoid it there are large monkey-like creatures that live uh within the the two ends of this thing and as they start explaining it they offer to show you a map so here comes a map via text message and roll 20 oh this is gonna be so good i can't wait to get into this where's this text message it's like we're talking with each other through space you guys so uh if you look over roll 20 or your phone um this is the leviathan spiral as drawn by of course sean bryant yay so sean over there on the right over there on the left uh there is this thing this opening called the neck. The neck is inhabited by these four-armed sort of gorilla monsters. And they don't recommend going in the neck.

The other end is called the duck. How about the back? The other end is called the duck. What about my crack? My neck. My duck. The duck has a lot of those gorilla creatures at the base of it.

They've been occasionally coming out, but less so. They do notice there are demon-like bat swarms that come in and out of that end. They don't recommend going in that way either. But then they point out to you along the shaft. Yeah.

Hey, watch your mouth. Oh, I was just talking about shaft. I'm sorry. Ken had some genuine delight. Really, right into the mic. Yeah. Well, he knew a familiar bit was coming after. But I'll take the whole

plane out of the shaft. Maybe he just loves shafts. You know? He loves feets and loves shafts. I just feel like this is the thing. Shut your mouth. I was just talking about the shaft.

Continue about the shaft, Dan. I will. about the shaft. Continue about the shaft, Dan. I will. Work it. Work the shaft. I'm going to allow me to work your shaft, Blaine. So I don't feel good about what I said. That's his.

So the sort of middle spiral right in the middle of like way high, high in the air, there's a crack. Brian, there it is is don't neglect it um and they're at the peak as it's labeled on the map at the peak they think if you go in there that is the that is that is a place that is exposed to no real monsters have been observed to come in and out of it that they think uh the heart of the evil might live and again they don't know what this leviathan this leviathan spiral thing they're worried the evil is from another dimension or another plane of existence because they think they they think um this is maybe the exoskeleton of like some sort of trans-dimensional being and uh chrysalis yeah but they don't know what it seems organic in nature are they suggesting that we go in through the exposed crack

yes and as opposed to going in as opposed to going in through uh the neck or the duct okay yeah don't go in through the neck or the duck they say The neck or the duck. Okay. Yeah, don't go in through the neck or the duck, they say. Okay. Let's get serious, guys. Come on.

Enough playing. I am. I'm done. I've been shaking my head at you juveniles for the last minute and a half. Well, I never. That's just a corrupt key. I thought I would see the day when you would shake your head at a dick joke. I'm going to shake my head at a dick joke. I would shake my dick at a dick joke. In Russia.

COVID's really aged me. Mr. Tallman, you had a... How does one get up that? Is it like a climbable route? They tell you they were going to climb, and they do say none of you, any chance have the ability to fly do you nah I believe I can fly

what about skydiving so I feel like I mean huddle huddle with the group but like we were already going to go check this out anyway we might as well have these two non-player characters come along so we have to go by ropes and pulleys and Anyway, we might as well have these two non-player characters come along. So we have to go buy ropes and pulleys and

harnesses and such now? Crampons? A what? They do recommend getting yes, some scaling equipment perhaps. Some crampons. Nobody has any levitate fly situation? I don't mean bonus episode any levitate fly situation.

Levitate fly situation. They do say they have heard tell of a mighty bird warrior to the north named Queep that could carry heroes through the air, but unfortunately he dropped one a couple of times and he no longer ventures. That's not the story I heard.

I heard he couldn't lift anybody up. I heard he didn't understand the rules of D&D. The dungeon master who came up with the rules of carrying people when you're flying? That's not your fault. Rules are complicated yeah i mean do do you guys so so i believe we've looked at

our sheets uh sufficiently and decided that none of us have any fly or some such spells spider crawl or whatever spider climb no no really all right well i've looked at mine i have no powers i've looked at it. I have no powers. I've looked at it.

I've looked for hours. Oh, bye. They do suggest, they were going to say they just came from buying supplies. If you want, they can take you across Flay's Acola town

to the market square and knock on a door where they'll open the shop late and maybe help you guys out, buy you some climbing equipment. Okay. Does everybody want to go? Danny's definitely intrigued, but he wants to help the monks,

but he's concerned about these two gentlemen. Yeah, I mean, they don't, again, you haven't found any reason to dislike them. You do, you know, have that thing in the back of your head, Danny, where you're like, oh, I wonder what did happen to those monks. I guess I'm going completely off the word of these guys that the place was ransacked. Right. So, you know, are we heading across town to a shop? That sounds good.

Oh, like, do we think that maybe they ransacked it and the monks fled with, like, something that these guys want? Oh, no, I'm not implying anything like that, but you just don't have... Can we get a reference letter from, like, the mayor of the town or whatever? That's what's happened.

Let's torture these guys and find out what they took from the monks. I'm all for it. Let me get my kid-killing wand. I'm all for it let me get my kid killing wand i'm not against it they do say um they they don't know a a a couth way to like get in touch with their contact at the town council this late at night um but they could send a messenger if you're suspicious Hey Nathan could you use your cute little bunny face and be like oh I'm a bunny

bunny whatever that spell is called and then and charbon of them you mean yeah I need to get them let's go shopping and let's get this stuff and I'll see what I can do alright so you head across town

pretty woman montage hey I'm telling you what I watched Coyote Ugly for a podcast about bad movies and they have an actual trying on clothes montage to EMF's unbelievable it was like

it was like something I would see in a joke about universal city walk unbelievably was there like a giant uh plexiglass minion lording over the i wish yeah there was well oh he was great He was like the guy at a party where you don't know anybody, but then you see somebody you know and he's that guy. Oh God, thank God, somebody I know. That was Coyote

Ugly. It's not good. No. What podcast was this? Tess Rafferty did a thing, I forget what it was called, but you talk about movies that you like because that are bad. And I liked it because it was the first movie that Vera and I ever saw together.

When we were dating, we saw it a week and a day after we started dating and there's trade centers in it. It's so the times were so naive. Amazing. Anyway, sorry to, sorry to interrupt about coyotely for fuck's sake.

All right. And 9-11. Never forget, you guys head over to the marketplace to a shop called The Face Mounter. What? It is a... Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Whoa, whoa, Dan.

Whoa, Dan. You mean like no the like like like for for mountaineering oh the face of a cliff oh like a cliff face okay there's a lot of cliffs there's a big cliff right through the middle it's like a north face

door there's a north face door in the middle of yes yes that's what. So it's like a North Face door. There's a North Face door in the middle of the... Yes. Yes, that's what it is. It's like North Face. Or Jan's Sport. Yeah. I got some good backpacks there. That pause earlier was me. He named it Face Mounter.

I mean, it was supposed to be funny, but... It sounded dirty. Can't believe my god Dan starting off 2021 I thought we were going to try to get back to some some basics I love this because in 2021

I'm no longer the school norm got a bun real Blaine is Sam the Eagle it's great I found Christ and got really into exercise wow I didn't think this year would be worse than last year but

Blaine just horrible on my end I hate them both the Rangers knock on the door a little slat opens you're invited inside the shopkeeper's got a little candle lit and he walks you to the floor he offers to sell all you guys mountaineering packs they've got crampons they've got grappling hooks they've got

extra long lengths of rope that are 200 feet long uh you do get the impression um they've got little like finger grips that'll help you uh you do get the impression they're going to be a little pricey um but you also get the impression that like there's no there's no perfect way to scale this so you're no matter what you buy there's going to be a couple of risky ability checks however you do feel like if you buy these packs these mountaineering

packs they will be assurances that you'll be safer you know you're going into a hostile jungle and this will be one less thing you have to worry about plummeting to your death. So these are two gold each.

The rangers have already got their own. Just feels like there should be a magical way to do this, right? But I guess if there isn't. There is a magical way to do it. You could try to find someone in town who knows a spell.

That kind of thing yeah perhaps we could find some the same way they have holy books maybe we could get ourselves some spells or scrolls or something yeah I mean I guess a scroll is gonna ultimately just be used the one time anyway so it's not like

I mean at least these we can sell on eBay afterwards or whatever if we can actually get up the mountain and you have the money they're two gold each but you guys are pretty loaded not that loaded it'll put a dent in it but yeah does anyone have two gold yeah I don't think other people do have two gold I do because I keep

gambling but am I buying everyone's backpacks thank you it's August we're getting ready to go back to school but am I buying everyone's backpacks? Thank you. It's August. We're getting ready to go back to school. I think we just put it in a big kitty. We put it in a big kitty? All my gambling money? Yeah, all your gambling

money goes in our big kitty. I don't think that's happening. Well, if you're buying, that is I believe 10 gold. Does anyone have the money for this except for me? This is a genuine question to you guys. I'm looking. I have one of them.

I'm saving it for charity. We did sell the... Yeah, I sold... Okay. All right. I'm buying them. I got them. 10 gold.

We did sell the tapestry, which was a group effort. I think Ken and I were the only ones who noticed Sarah's expression when Ken said he was saving his gold for charity. That was that was that was fun. OK, OK, you've got these engineering packs. Yes. And sorry, I'm going to ask noodles because I feel like I'm going to tell him that we're going into a dangerous area. I'm going to ask him if he knows anything about it. Because I think he was from like a jungly area. But then I'm also going to say, do you maybe want to chill in this town?

Do you want to hang out in the jungle? Like, I don't know that you want to come with us on this, you know? He communicates to you that he has never been outside of the volcano caves, except for like a very brief period many moons ago when he saw the moon. And he was very excited about having seen the moon he's he's on the adventure of his life right now uh and he's willing to stay behind but he's not afraid because you've protected him from things like the evil vampire and the crazy hag so far um you can you can leave him behind if you're worried about his safety because he is a

squishy little platypus thing. I feel like, just to the group in general, I feel like he doesn't, you know, he's just, he's like, what, I'm going to carry him up the club face? And then, you know, it just feels like, maybe, can I talk to the person at the inn and be like, he's actually a great, he's going to be a great, like a bodega cat or whatever. He can hang out there if they take care of him.

Job knows them. Job just gave them money for drinks. Who does? Job? We just buy drinks from the tavern. Jelf? Oh, right, right. Or Jelf, sorry.

Jelf, yeah. You offer noodles up to the bartender as a... I'm clearing this with noodles first, to be clear. I'm checking with noodles and I'm like, I'm just going to say like, if they will give you a place to stay, a comfortable place to stay, you know, here. When we come back through,

we'll check in with you and see if you want to, you know, go on more adventures that involve less fun. And we never saw noodles again. You get this sort of like sense of indecision, like just sort of like big eyes, this sort of like sense of indecision like just sort of like big eyes just sort of like unsure you know like you're only really getting vibes and basic sort of animalistic feelings from this guy hopefully he's not edible if i get a good feeling from the yeah if i get a good feeling from the owner of the inn i'm like listen i think he's

going to be an attraction for you i think people will love to see him curled up by the fire or whatever. It's a pretty nice little upscale bar. So he takes you up on your offer. And if you want, you can do an insight check to see how safe he is. Definitely. Go for it. Yes. I want to do an insight check and I want to give them a little money to take care of him.

Okay. Keep him away from bright light. Or a new insight. Insight yeah Don't get him wet 16 For insight You get the sense that they don't mean him any harm

But that they've never had An animal So they're just sort of like okay What do we feed it I don't know But like They're eager all you really get literally verbal wise is like enthusiasm and excitement but you don't think they're gonna necessarily like they'll figure it out i tell them his name is noodles and i give them what feels like an appropriate amount of money and in this world uh like because he so excited, maybe just like a silver a day.

Well, we don't know how long this is going to be, so I'm going to give them five gold. Okay. Oh! Jeez Louise. He gives you like a big old like wink. Like, oh yeah, we'll take real good care of him. Yeah.

We're going to eat him. I don't want them fry them up like he's stoked he's trying to like sell himself now he's like yeah we're we're really good at taking care of pets oh boy I think they're gonna find

I get it there's like some good natured lying where he's just like we're really good at taking care of pets thank you it shouldn't be this complicated but There's like some good-natured lying where he's just like, we're really good at taking care of pets. Thank you. I mean, it shouldn't be this complicated, but anyway, I let him know that- I can't believe you gave him five gold

and he's definitely already put it in his pockets and he's like, yeah, yeah, thank you. Or buy a medieval Lamborghini. And I tell him we're going to come back and check up on him. So we look forward to seeing him soon. He is a human. He shakes your hand.

He says his name is Ploggin. And thank you very much. Come on back to the bucket of poison as soon as it's convenient. We left our kid in the bucket of poison. Pay the guys, pay the guys five gold pieces to watch it while we went up into a giant hemi penis. What could possibly go wrong?

It's going to be crazy. Anyway, come on in. All right, so you guys are headed into the jungle. I'm going to ask you all to make a survival check. This is going to take... This is going to... It's going to be a two-hour hike. What was your character?

I don't know. Checker. Oh, a survival quest. Sorry. The piece of... How are we? 20. You were in that movie? Wait, tell us online. Hey, guys, it's me.

It's totally you. I remember that. Oh, my God. That part when you identified yourself? Of course. I know. Oh, no. Rude. So you failed the survival quest?

Speaking of which, hey, Chris, what'd you get on that survival roll? Five. Oh, boy. Hey, Ken, what'd you get? I was too busy talking about my movie. I got A Oh man 19 Oh in honor of episode 19

By the way both our NPCs middle name is Hardcastle Brian what'd you get on your survival roll 14 Blaine I got a 12 Sarah 20 Blaine? I got a 12 Sarah? 20 Hot shot

Hey Nathan I'm gonna need you to do a constitution saving throw Constitution saving throw 18 Ooh great for a moment you get

this weird feeling on your legs, and you look down, and you've got, like, mites, just, like, tons of weird jungle mites all over your legs. Ew. You start brushing them off, and you feel like you got them all because of that high-constitution saving throw, but there was a moment when you went through a bush, and you weren't really paying attention.

You were like, oh, shit! Well, privately, I'm very embarrassed and worried the group will think it's because I have fur. you went through a bush and you weren't really paying attention we're like oh shit uh and well privately i'm very embarrassed and worried the group will think it's because i have fur so from now on whenever i'm just riding along i'm going to be combing myself just making sure keeping very clean that sounds very dandy of nathan in particular to be like combing himself all the time well there's mites dan i don't know if you heard, but I just got fucked. We can swing by Hearts Mountain on the way back if you want. Grigsby is very impressed

with your grooming. Of the two. Great. I will point back at Grigsby and say, let me know if you need to borrow a brush. Oh, why, thank you, young rabbit. All right.

I mean, I hope I did not offend thee. It's just a weird way to go. Oh, but I've never met a rabbit person. Hello. I'm Grigsby. Hello. Not the approved term, is it? Yeah, why'd you call me a young rabbit?

That was, that was. Are you, are you not? Excuse me. May I ask, how old are you? Hey, man, what's with all the questions? I'm, you know, I'm an adult rabbit, I suppose. Here, looking

for adventure, looking to help. You and your partner, do you work together quite a bit? Yes, for something like 10 years now. And as we're doing this, I'm keeping in mind what Iva had suggested. I'm going to try and work my, let's see, what is it called? Unwavering cuteness on this guy. Remind the listeners what that does. As a rabbit folk, I can use

my natural charm and cuteness to gain an advantage in social interactions. I can cast the spell charm person once per long rest. So I do that. And so this guy's going to make a DC 12 wisdom saving

throw or for the next hour. He is my charmed buddy. All right. My wife has this too. You got a seven. Oh, great. Very fast.

Fred's grooming. Very enamored with you. Yes. He, he, he, he says, Matt,

Matt, carry you on my shoulders. Nathan, you seem, you seem like you're maybe not enjoying the jungle as much as I. Sit on your shoulders? Yes, sure. All right.

Look, everyone, I'm sitting on this man's shoulders. Grown man sitting on a grown man's shoulders. He wanted to. He sounded like the character on Family Guy that I don't like. Tell me more of your people, Nathan't tell me more of your people nathan tell me more of your people are there more of you oh there's so many rabbits so many rabbits very few come out into the world and i'll just try and see if i can get any information out of this guy that sounds a little more to what it sounded like we were worried about before about them hiding something something they were uncomfortable with uh yeah i mean you find out from talking to him they're worried that there really is like a sort of demigod from another world inside of this thing and that

that's why a whole team of monks went in there um you know they're they're this is gonna be scary stuff uh he's grateful for your company. He's very curious to hear more. He wants to hear how you became inspired to become a wizard. Oh, sure. Well, you know, I'll lend you my books, of course. You know, when I grew up, there was a series of books about Nancy and Carter. And, oh, they were the two little rabbit kids who had so many adventures.

I'll loan them to you. And I'll share what he said to the group about the demigod. All right. Are you going to like sort of telepathically send it to one of them so while you're on this guy's shoulders, they can sort of huddle up?

Yes, exactly. I'll message whoever's closest all right uh so you guys all know that there is some sort of possible evil demigod living in this thing that a whole team of monks couldn't take out it shouldn't be a problem and yeah after a couple of hours you make it to the foot of the leviathan spiral and your two guides grigsby and tuco suggest you get out your mountaineering supplies and start climbing uh it is it is night so they also uh ask you to keep quiet while you get like right up to the face of this thing because there's some open space between the trees and this giant spiral

that seems to be poisoning the earth. There's like really black sort of ash and earth around the parts where this thing touches the ground and so you're a little exposed for a second. I'm going to ask you all to do a stealth check. Wait.

Fifteen. Twenty. 15 20 it was stealth yes sir 19 plus 5 24 nice 2

you're so quiet it attracts attention uh chris what'd you get 6 Nice. Two. You're so quiet it attracts attention. Chris, what'd you get? Six. All right, and that was a two from... Would he have to be a stealth guy because he was on somebody's shoulders? Or would the other guy be rolling a stealth? Well, I'll say this. they're rolling their own stealth checks

so i'll let you choose nathan do you want to be rolled into grigsby stealth check or do you want to say it's time for me to hop down grigsby is very uh fleet of foot and yes i will go with grigsby's role of course okay so you guys uh i'll i'll sort of sneak up and grigsby's role, of course. Okay, so you guys all sort of sneak up and Grigsby rolled a 20 on his stealth check. Grigsby? Unfortunately, Tuco rolled a 1. So, you guys are all kind of walking up. My symbols!

And you know, 2D, you trip like over your own boot. And there's a loud clang noise. And when you do that, Tuco walks over to you and whispers like, hey, try to keep it down. And when he says down,

he also trips and he knocks you over. And the two of you kind of fall. And there's just this loud like clang as like your armor smacks into his sword. fall and there's just this loud, like click laying as like your armor, uh, smacks into his sword. And like, there's,

there's just this awkward silence. Like all the, all the locusts in the jungle go silent. Oh boy. We're having, and you hear after a beat, like some rustling in the jungle trees. That does,

that sounds like something large. And, uh, rustling in the jungle trees that does that sounds like something large and uh tuco's cursing under his breath and grigsby says we must hurry go go go uh i'm gonna have all of you guys do an athletics check um and everyone gets advantage because of your mountaineering equipment except for 2D and Tuco who both rolled low on their stealth and are kind of climbing up off the ground and something is about to pursue you out of the jungle so

you wanna here's the thing you wanna roll over a 10 and that's it but you have advantage so unless you're 2D. Is this athletics you said? 12 and 1, 13.

17. 11. 10. All right. Had to beat a 10, Ken. You had to beat a 10. Brian, what'd you get? What's the rule? Athletics, please. With advantage.

Yes. Oh, okay. The closest I've ever been to athletics in my life. The highest I got was a 17. Oh, fantastic. So, you got a

19 and a 3 from your companions um so you guys are well actually he's got a bonus to that it's it's a six so you guys are kind of going up and um you get like 50 feet off the ground pretty quickly before something comes out of the jungle. Uh, except for 2d and Tuco who are, you know, like 20 feet off the ground, this huge monster, uh,

comes barreling out. It looks like a gorilla, um, but it's got four arms and these giant fangs and just like blood and viscera are pouring out of its maw. And one of its arms is dragging what looks like the haunches of a giant ox. And it stops when it gets to the clearing and just starts pounding its chest at you guys. I'm going to cast a spell.

How big is this fucking thing? It's about 15 feet tall 15 feet each one of us take three feet what are you going to cast duty oh it's a handy spell I hope it's a poor handy spell. So, all you got to do is get his hit points. So, roll 5d8, please. You've got this, Tootie. 5d8 for his maximum hit points. A 15-foot tall gorilla. You want to roll real high.

Although, wait, do you have... What level are you casting this at? Oh, I got two more. What was that? Okay. 27? He like blinks, like shakes it off for a second and goes, Perfect. Okay, I cast an illusion of a scream

coming from the opposite direction of where they are. What kind of scream? A woman's scream. High pitched. Help, I'm delicious! king kong like yeah like yeah exactly king kong like or uh or scared lady like the the what's her face yeah all right you cast a level what fey ray uh i mean it's a cantrip so there's actual screaming happening in my house too at the same time

which spells it exactly also is it it's minor illusion you create a sound or image of an object within range illusion ends if you dismiss it you create a sound a volume can range from a whisper to a scream your voice someone else's voice blah blah blah

continues unabated through the duration or you can make discreet sounds at different times so scream be your voice someone else's voice blah blah continues unabated through the duration or you can make discrete sounds at different times so can i add on to that as she makes that scream i have a cantrip one of my new things now is called gust up to 30 feet away i can make a little gust of wind so wherever i hear the scream come i'm going to cast a small gust of wind. So wherever I hear the scream come, I'm going to cast a small gust of wind to make like the leaves and stuff move to add to the effect that there is a screaming thing there in the bushes. Okay. Um, so what is the spell save DC on this, Sarah? Uh, it is... Sarah?

It is... It's an intelligence investigation check. Against your spell save DC. Yes, I know. I'm looking for my spell save DC. I've already rolled, so I'm just waiting. Oh, you need to roll an intelligence check, and I did not know because it doesn't... Where does it have it on this sheet?

Oh, my God, the screaming in my house. The year kids? Yeah, well, they're my children. Oh, good. One of each has been screaming. Where do I find it on this sheet, guys? Does anyone know? Because I don't have...

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. I've got you pulled up. Hang on a second. So it's under... It's weird. What is it called? Under spells, I think, right? It's weird. It's not...

Is this a gnome thing or a rogue thing? This is a... I mean, it's just a spell, a cantrip, and you know how everybody has spells now, so... No, I didn't know that. Okay. Okay. Okay. It's on the back of one of the pages i have but it's not i don't have it yeah normally spell stuff is at the top of your spell page right but on this there's no spell page right okay this is stupid so i would if you click spells usually still at the top but it would have like your dc and stuff like that yeah your modifier spell attack safety yeah you know what it's because it's because her class doesn't naturally

have it it's a racial thing right so that's what i'm looking to see that's racial under cantrip under spells okay wait if i printed it should be able to tell this is uh it is one thing it's plus eight to your spell casting modifier plus your proficiency bonus plus anything else so do you know what your spell casting modifier is it literally says you do not have spell casting or packed magic spells to manage if i try to do it at will uh take whatever we can't keep doing this so at will uh take whatever we can't keep doing this so yeah this is obnoxious

all right i it's usually eight plus the plus your proficiency plus whatever this is based off of this says intelligence is your spell casting ability is this minor illusion natural illusionist is that what this is so it's probably eight eight plus her intelligence modifier plus her proficiency bonus yeah sounds good to me that's usually the standard so it's an 11 and that would be 11 11 plus proficiency is 2 right so that's 13 and then i'm gonna say uh because he

gave you a gust i'm gonna let you roll a d4 to add to that oh nice thanks dan so roll a d4 sarah and that will add to your spell save DC yes but I would make a note on your character sheet if there is anywhere you can that your natural spell I'll find it and then four well thanks so yeah just seems like for this particular kind of rogue they didn't account for the magic spells you'd be using

you know yeah okay so the gorilla is totally distracted and just sort of like like looks back and forth classic gorilla runs back into uh the jungle do you guys want to keep rushing up let's get some uh another athletics check this one's better this time well this time you get to everyone gets to roll with advantage because you've got your shit a little more together. Alright. And that distraction

allows you two to catch up with everybody else. We got a botch from Tuco. Tuco? Au revoir, Tuco. We hardly see you wearing his buttered boots. Everybody else get a 10? Or above a 10? Yes.

18. 19 total. No. I got a five, and I would like to use my lucky thing, except we didn't rest before we did this, which was weird. You get to use it three times. I know. Luck is three times a day.

I know, but we're about to go into this thing. I'm just thinking about why we took a carriage ride to an inn and then paid for rooms there that we didn't sleep in is that correct you didn't remember that's correct okay uh i got a five so then i mean you got a free you got a free room on uh a tab um i got a five on this athletics check all right uh you've got mountaineering gear, so all it means is everybody gets like 50 feet up, but you don't. You have a little mishap where your emergency rope catches, and you're just behind.

You do notice the gorilla is sort of like sniffing around and losing interest, but you're still 50 feet up from the first roll and everything. He's otherwise fine. Tuco, on the other hand, his safety snaps, uh, and you see him plummet. Uh,

and he, he gets a hundred feet up before he falls. Oh man. Um, that's wait, that's a, whoa, that's a long way.

You hear a loud, you hear a loud, wet crunch as he hits the ground. He dropped his lettuce. And, uh, a long way. You hear a loud, wet crunch as he hits the ground. He dropped his lettuce. And there is silence from him. He does not appear to be moving. Shit. How far down is he?

He fell 100 feet, but you're 50 feet above him. Let's wait to see if the gorilla eats him, and if the gorilla eats him, then we'll know he's dead and on that note i guess we'll find out what happened to poor old tuco next time on nerd poker uh hey sam what do you think happened today oh this week uh we all leveled up to level four uh we found some other people on the hammer hunt and we learned about a spooky monkey spiral place that we'll probably walk right into. I've said this before but my favorite

part of this game is where we do regular people stuff so discussions about buying mountaineering gear or babysitting pets makes me so happy. We got bugs on our legs and Nathan made new friends and we heard something in the woods that turned out to be a four armed monkey and lastly

I love the internet and I cannot wait to see what it does with the hashtag Gazzardo loves feet Oh no! Feets, F-E-A-T-S Nope A barf Thank you, Sam I've got my stand-up thing i do friday nights on twitch i wish everyone

would check it out twitch.tv slash tell for dan how about anyone else got stuff they want to plug uh yeah grandpa's uh metal stash on give me metal every tuesday my radio show and uh my video new music sucks finally came out it's out currently and uh the best place to watch it is uh youtube posting the band my little channel there that way uh i don't know it's just good place to watch it anything else well i know i've been waiting to hear about what blaine's been up to with what's your friend's name oh stacy keach oh he's been on a ventilator all last week jesus christ uh yeah he's painting uh metal flake flames on his old camino and you got to keep the garage open so he's got a got a ventilator going in there. But yeah, we're going to take it out to the PCH. Just kind of like racing things, slips.

Oh, that's a really good thing. It's a lot, Nick. It's cool. It's so dumb. Thanks for listening. Thanks for listening to another episode of Nerd Poker. You can follow us at patreon.com slash nerdpoker, and you get bonus episodes from there and you can also uh send us anything at p.o box one six zero six nine

encino california nine one four one six thanks for listening