Nerd Poker - S4E2 Davenglaven

Episode Date: September 22, 2020

After a confrontation with a rude guard leads our new crew to an unfortunate boat situation with some rather unsavory roars happening just off deck. Will this be the fastest Total Party Kill in Nerd Poker history?

Hey everybody, I'm Brian Pussain, Comedian, writer, actor, nerd. I've been playing D&D with my friends for a long time. I decided to do a new podcast where we play Dungeons & Dragons in my very own dining room. With my wife, kid, and my noisy dogs. So meet my friends Sarah, Kev, Dan, Lee, Chris. Now it's time for another episode of Brian Pussain's Nerd Poker. Season 4. Hey, everybody.

I'm Brian Pussain, and you're listening to Brian Pussain's Nerd Poker. Episode 2 of Season 4. We did it. We made it to Episode 2. Bare 4. We did it. We made it to Episode 2. Barely. Sort of. We'll hear about that in a second, but first let me introduce all my friends. That was our DM, Dan.

Hello, Dan. Why, hello, my friend. Hey, buddy. We've got Blaine. Hi, Brian. Ken. Hello, Brian. Hey, buddy. We've got Chris. Brian Hi, Brian. Ken. Hello, Brian. Hey, buddy.

We've got Chris. Brian, it's me, Chris. And Sarah. Hello. Hi, Sarah. And as always, it's our pal Sam, you guys. Hi, everybody. Dan, you want to thank some people?

I mean, sure. Yeah. First of all, welcome to episode. We're just starting this adventure. I'm really excited. And I would like to. Already scary. I would love to just get right into everything.

So thank you to Patreon supporters at our Hey Boss and Stargoyle Tears on Patreon. They go by names like Kemi, parenthetical Watashi machine. Thank you, Kemi. Thank you. Thank you, Kaylee McPhail. Thanks, Kaylee. Thank you, Clay Carver. Thanks, Clay.

Thank you, Jason Yarn. Thank you. Thank you, Jason D. Powers. Thanks, Jason. Thank you, Sparky the Unicorn of Woe. Oh. Thanks, Sparky. Thanks, Paul and Kona.

Thank you, Beth Hunter. Thank you, Andy Metcalf. Thanks, Andy. Thank you, Tweez Kid Crispy Cereal. Oh, man. That fucking kid. Thank you, Neil Wicker. Thanks, Neil.

Thank you, Robo Hobo. Thank you, Robo Hobo. Thank you, Brando Calrissian. Thank you,o Hobo Thank you Brando Calrissian Thank you John Lloyd Thank you Nug Nugs Dank Nugs Thank you Can You Smell What The Rock Is Cooking

ROC The Dungeons and Dragons Eagle That's an old listener I remember that from Ye Olden Editions. And of course, finally, thank you Wayne Knight and the Pips. Thanks, Wayne. For fans of Jurassic Park and Seinfeld.

Hey, Blaine, who is this Patreon supporter lineup brought to us by? Brought to you by Pepperidge Parade, Duck All Around Cookies. How can you keep them down on the farm? Pepperidge Farm, after they've seen Pepperidge Paris duck all around his cookies how can you keep him down on the farm Pepperidge farm after they've seen Pepperidge Paris and Spencer for Hire Gifts it's just

a bunch of stuff we found at Robert Urich's house Dan thank you Blaine oh boy I am so excited for where everything is going you guys are super fucked and it's hilarious just so the listeners know I've been shaking my head since the end of episode one.

I can't believe we're already doing this. I hate to get all meme-y about it, but it really escalated quickly. I blame myself for pulling an arrow on the guy, but I thought he was going to kill us. And he was attacking the rabbit in the jacket. Come on. I mean, there was no there's

no scenario where i don't attack him for being mean to my new friend so that's i mean it is what it is yes yeah we're not from this place and we don't like where this place is going so why do we have to be nice right yes totes damn my god yeah well uh totes indeed and so anyway we sink and thus end season four and then let's get into the c let's just do the q a last time on nerd poker our crew decided to board a boat away from Clottenheim, a cursed continent ruled by a lich king named Valix. And well, before the boat even left the dock to Westin, a land of fortune, they decided to, well, not quite kill, but almost kill,

the god watching over their room, a god whose salary they were paying, got punched in the face, put to sleep by a magic spell, made invisible and dumped into the ocean. As a result, our crew did not get the

organized evacuation that the city guards had in the middle of the night when something scraped the bottom of the boat and they did not get on a lifeboat. A strange noise has erupted from the sea just outside of their visual range. We take you now to that sea, already in progress.

So, yeah, you know, you guys are above deck and feeling kind of nervous as you realize you've got this whole schooner to yourselves. And, yeah, somewhere out there you hear a noise that is not particularly encouraging. That was my stomach. Let's find the buffet table. Danny, you said you looked over the side of the boat? Yes. Cool. Why don't you do a perception check for me sir 16 plus 3 there it is that classic danny high roll uh congratulations i will uh go

ahead and tell you um you see something off the side of the boat that's very unsettling. At first, you see the churning waves. You think maybe you catch a glimpse of one of the lifeboats in the distance. And then, Brian, will you just hop on your phone real quick and look at a text message you get from me? Then you just sort of see, parting its way out of the ocean, this. Brian looking at his phone, brought to you by Crest wet strips get rid of those dry Teeth Crest wet strips

Yeah He looks like um So you're reporting this to the rest Of the party Brian Yeah I mean we can just look over the side right And perhaps we all just Take a gander But do you want to warn them first Brian

How big is it It's bigger than the boat It's this thing there's like It's got a turtle face I'll text it to everybody Beyond her stocks flying and like Big turtle feet Okay Iva is immediately going to search the boat,

like top to bottom and look for anything that could help us here. More boats, maybe some weird hidden portal situation. Like does this boat have cannons while you guys, while you guys are figuring out your rest of the plan. And she's like doing, going to full investigative mode. There are two cannons loaded at the front of the plan and she's like doing going to full investigative mode there are two

cannons loaded at the front of the schooner there is also just like because you forget you know like which one of you want to be in the lead for this party but well Danny takes initiative Danny's looking for

cannons all right well I'll man a cannon initiative, Danny's looking for cannons. Alright, well... Yeah, I'll man a cannon. Can we aim the front cannon at this thing? Well, yeah, there's... It's porting starboard, right? And starboard is to the right, and so you're like,

we can take that front starboard cannon and just wait. You saw it off to the right, so you're like, okay, we can kind of man it, but they don't really move. we make it mobile can we not really because they stick through holes in the top uh so like and they're they're not really rolling cannons so they weigh like a thousand pounds they're like these incredibly heavy things and they're locked into place. So I'm searching like under decks. I'm sure I'm searching everywhere. So let's get an investigation check from Iva.

Um, but you can man the cannon, you know, there's a pile of cannonballs there. How far away is the thing? But it's not, I can't, I don't see the thing,

right? I can't aim it. Yeah, you see it. I mean, it's, it's, it's,

but it's circling the boat very quickly so like you saw it off the right side but now it's sort of underwater again okay i'm gonna wait for it and shoot a cannon at it when it comes back around all right uh first let's get that uh i want to hear what sarah rolled for her investigation check uh 15 all right below deck you find some some like pickled eggs. They've evacuated pretty... They all had time to pack up and move, so most of the valuables are gone.

But you find rations you could potentially stuff your pockets for. No money, no real valuables. All of the valuable equipment seems to be taken out of the captain's room you even see his footlocker by his bed has been popped open and vacated I feel like I'm more looking for like you know

something that could help us in our current predicament than to for money you know what I mean like I thought maybe there would be or like yeah as I said maybe there's just like a weird little portal closet where we open it and then we are magically transported somewhere better. With a 15.

I mean, you can tell this was a trade vessel before it was a refugee transportation vessel. It used to have a lot of cargo, but now the cargo was people. And so for the most part, it's been stripped bare of its cargo. Makes me sick. It's not an offensive vessel. part it's been stripped bare of its cargo makes me sick it's not an offensive vessel you did know before getting on the vessel that there were sea monsters around klottenheim um you you did know that there were sort of like tiefling pirates around and so they they installed the cannons on this trade vessel because of the increased danger since the lich king took over but you

unfortunately don't really find a harpoon or any kind of sea monster weapon other than these cannons that are above deck you can probably get some rations or if there's something else specific you want to look for i'd let you roll one more time but uh we're going to go ahead and head back up to the deck jelf has a question is there uh is there like a mast or something some sort of crow's nest or there is a mast yeah vantage point Vantage point. So the schooner's got like a, you know, like a big wooden sail and a bar and then like this giant sail. I mean, I'm going to shimmy up that sail and I'm going to start to circle this thing and see if I can get a shot at it. And I'm going to shoot at it. Yeah.

How far away is the thing? Everybody on deck, do a perception check. And so, Danny, you're just sort of like staying by the cannon hoping you can take a shot at it also Dan can you describe this thing a little bit I just asked Brian a question and then I'll describe it for listeners a little more

right now I'm just hoping Brian Brian's narrative earlier will have carried listeners through Brian rolled yet another crit folks nice but Brian can you answer my question will have carried listeners through. Brian rolled yet another crit, folks. Nice! But Brian, can you answer my question? Are you hoping to hit it with a cannon when it goes by? Yes.

Got it. That was my intention. What did you roll, perception-wise, everybody else on deck? Nine. Seven. Twenty-one. Am I back on deck? Unless you wanted to search more for something specific

um you can be back on deck and you can roll a perception i i yeah i guess i'm searching for anything magical down like anything that i can find okay and you know what agatha's i'm just i tell agatha the same thing she's just gonna fly or flit around and be like i'm just be like anything look for something important all right roll investigation one more time and then we'll take uh the action back to our friends danny and jelf who are looking to take a pot shot at this sea monster this sea monster by the way that it looks like a dragon turtle which is a dragon-sized sea turtle, except it's got beholder eyes and eye stalks growing out of its head. Oh! I walked into a door frame,

so now I'm coming back up. You rolled low is what we're getting from that. I botched, so. I'm sorry to hear that. Are you? Yes. Oh, that's so nice. I'd love to throw you guys a bone

after the devastating loss of the lifeboats so uh yeah no luck I assume at this point you will come back up on deck Jelf and Danny you both got good enough on perception that you both get a clear shot this thing is not attacking

the boat yet but it is bigger than the boat it's definitely looking for something either out of the boat or out of the lifeboats. So I'm going to go ahead and say, because we got a higher... What's your perception bonus, Brian? I think you got higher. Plus three. All right.

Plus three. And Jelf got a 21. So that means you've got uh first shot and then i'll give jelf one um you see uh jelf jelf you see the cannon go off as it is fired off starboard by danny uh hey danny yeah you've had a round to figure out how this cannon works it's got uh you've got flint and steel in your pack. You've got these cannonballs loaded in there. I'm going to have you

roll a survival check to try to fire this cannon and hit this guy. Of course. When I really need it, I got a nine, but plus a three, so 12. So everyone, including Iva, who's just coming up onto the deck,

here's a... The cannon goes off, and unfortunately, the cannonball disappears and doesn't collide, but you just barely missed it. Jelf, you see this happen, and instinctively, you fire off the arrow you've been holding. What kind of arrow is this? This is a bursting arrow.

Immediately after the arrow hits a creature, the target and all other creatures within 10 feet take 2d6 force damage. Fine. All right. I'm going to have you roll to attack, please. Can I get an 18, please? What's your bonus what is that to hit ooh so a 22

that is a hit so roll your damage 2d6 that would be 2 well plus the force damage right I was aiming for his turtle eyes hmm uh if uh

yeah 2d6 force damage so I didn't know uh so it hit it just did 2 points of damage but then what 2d6 and that's 10 alright so uh for a second it looks danny like after you missed it with the cannonball it's about to like dip under the water a little bit but then as it starts to dip under the water a little bit uh you just see this like tiny little

needle of an arrow go off of where jelf is way up on the sail. And this explosion of force blows out of the water as it collides with the dragon turtle. Hey, everybody, roll initiative. This initiative was, of course, brought to you by Jiffy Lube Donuts. Jiffy Lube Donuts, where you get your donuts tuned up. Get them all nice and oily. Who doesn't love an oily donut? Who doesn't like a nice lubed

donut if you catch my drift? That's right, we'll lube your donut. We'll splatter oil all over your hot donut. Jiffy Lube Donuts. It's a business I came up with. Oh my god, I already... Sweet. First, we're... I have my number already. First, we're going to get from the dragon turtle. The dragon turtle

is rolling. Oh! That's not too bad. Four plus six. Ten. Who rolled a twenty or higher? Twenty or higher. Anybody?

Nope. Who rolled a fifteen or higher? 20 or higher? Anybody? Nope. Who rolled a 15 to 20? No. 15. All right, so that is a 15 for Nathan. Who rolled a 10 to 14? 11. 12. Great.

It's me, Blaine. That that was me who rolled under a 10 5 4 wow alright well unfortunately some less showy numbers from the crew this go round but the good news is a member of your crew does get to go

first hey Nathan you see this arrow collide with the turtle, and for the moment it is beneath the waves, but you have a split second where you feel like you know exactly where it is. It's about 100 feet out in the water. okay uh i will uh pull out my uh carrot and uh aim it at the the turtle and i will cast a message it goes up to 120 feet is this thing within 120 feet uh so i'll be like stand clear of the boat we mean no harm. And if you leave us be, no harm shall come to you. Hello, I'm Nathan.

What's your name? What language are you doing this in? It's thought. Isn't it? I point my finger towards a creature within range and whisper a message to the target, and only the target hears the message and can reply in a whisper that only I can hear. Do a persuasion check. Yeah, there's probably some kind of magical translation thing going on in there, too.

Persuasion. Like automatic. It's amazing what they can do with magic these days. Oh, interesting. All right. can do with magic these days uh interesting all right uh you hear very clearly uh after you've sent your message to the dragon in your head uh the following sound once a day i can comprehend languages can i do that with this thing? Absolutely. It's part of my, as a rabbit folk, I have a thing. Once a day, I can understand the literal meaning of any spoken language that I hear.

Great. Oh, wait, no, I think I'm wrong. That's comprehend language. That's an actual spell. As an animal, I have speak with animals. Would one of the, can I do the speak with animals work, or do I have to do comprehend languages? It's a dragon, technically. It's a gargantuan dragon.

All right. Well, I think that would actually, comprehend languages would actually be another spell, so I don't think I can do it. Okay. Well, you, you know, you heard, and you can interpret that however you choose. I'll share that with the group. It's very dragon-y. If anyone speaks dragon. No.

All right. Well, after a sound no, we've got Jelf. Jelf, you're up. I'm going to... Is it surfacing again? I want to get a clear shot. I want to try to shoot it in one of its eyes. It is not currently surfacing again? I want to get a clear shot. I want to try to shoot it in one of its eyes. It is not currently surfacing, but you did just see it go under after it took your arrow.

Okay, I'm just going to stay put until I can get a shot at it, and then I'm going to shoot. I have one more of those arrows I can shoot at it before I have to rest. So you're holding your action until you see it again? Yes, please. Sounds good. And you're going to fire an arrow.

Up next, we've got Tootie. Tootie, what are you up to? Let's see. The wind is very soothing. It's too far away for me to hit it. Is it too far away for you to quit it? Is it too far away for you to quit it? I think I'm just going to hold until it gets in range.

Hold your action it is. All right, we've got another hold action. Up next is the dragon turtle, so I believe it's time for us to all head on over to roll 20, where I will reveal our battle map that I've been working on. Here we go. You've been straight goofing. I'll just we go. You've been straight goofing. I'll just say it. You've been straight goofing.

I'm just making sure everybody's in the right place. New Elven boots of speed goofing. Enjoy. Oh, for fuck's sake, Dan. It's not very large. It's just a little guy. And this could have been a lifeboat you were in, so I guess at least there's that.

But no, you're on the schooner instead. Enjoy. So this thing... Is there a lifeboat, though, around? Nope! It's already gone. They're gone. Perhaps in the stomach of this thing, even.

This thing erupts from the surface of the ocean. And you, of of course hear it um do that it plants one of its uh big old flipper claws on the deck of the boat and tries to rake off to the side anything that is on the deck into the ocean. So I'm going to need Tootie and Nathan to do a dexterity saving throw. Difficulty 15. Natural 20 plus 2.

Beautiful. Natural 20 plus 1. So you both do fucking backflips as this thing just goes and goes off to the side last backflips any of us

will ever do yeah it then plants it's other big old flipper and tries to rake everything off the side of the boat i am now going to need it looks like just iva do a dexterity saving throw because danny's up in the front starboard of the boat and we've got jelf still hanging on to the sail uh 24 jeez beautiful same thing you're just like you guys are all just deftly dodging

this thing's massive flippers it's going to uh definitely have more it can do in the middle of everyone else's turns because it's a fucking gargantuan dragon turtle uh up next though we've got iva uh as long as you can hang on a though, because we've got a couple of held actions. This thing just burst forth and attacked. So we're going to give a... And I should have actually done this first, because you held your action for it appearing. I'm going to give to Jelf. What are you going to do?

Are you going to fire off another arrow? I'm going to shoot it in the eye. I'm going to shoot it. I'm going to try. That's a 20. Plus what is it? 4? 24. That's a hit.

Roll your damage. Is this a special kind of arrow? This is another one of those bursting arrows. Yeah, you did say, yeah. I'm giving it to you specifically because I'm remembering you already told us you were going to do that. Uh, that's nine on the arrow, and then it does, what, 2d6 bursting? Yep.

This one connects much better right in its face. And that's five. Great. You all just see it plant right between some of its many eyes and explode with force, and its head rocks side to side. Now we're going to get the held action of 2D.

And narratively speaking, I guess I should say this is all happening before it rakes its big old flippers across the deck, but that's going to happen anyway. And we'll give you those saving throws still. It's just closer now. Yeah. But I'm going to cast. Speaking, this is happening right in its face.

I'm going to cast sleep. On this guy? I'll try. What can I do? its face. All right, I'm going to cast Sleep. On this guy? I'll try. What can I do? All right, once again, it's roll 5d8, and it's how many hit points of this can... You better hope 5d8 covers a...

Dragon Turtle's hit points. We'll see what happens. What do you all think? Is this going to... Well, Jelf got him with those arrows, so I bet you it's probably pretty hurt. And now I'm just down to my regular toothpicks. They have little frills on the end, like red and blue.

I use them in sandwich quarters. 20? You attempt to cast sleep on this thing, and you feel so far out of your depth, it doesn't even register, and you feel so far out of your depth it doesn't even register and you just sense this steely indifference as several of its eyes turn to you aware that you have attempted to do some sort of untoward spell on its mind perfect and we'll say that's why it extra enthusiastically swings its fin at you uh but we've already gone through that so now yes

iva uh this thing is right in front of you okay um i'm gonna ask um now i'm gonna ask agatha if she can uh uh just talk to so if she can see if any seagulls or something want to come just swoop around to cause a distraction the deal with my pet it's not like she's just a pet she's not like a magical creature so she may or may not want to do that like if she really is just gonna go her own way on it but i am gonna ask if she could see if anyone could just don't put themselves in harm's way but just come swoop around and then um also to get her out of the way of this guy i want want her to just fly. Okay. And then, um, yeah. And then I'm going to, um, I am going to use, uh, my insightful fighting, uh, bonus action. First, I make an insight check against a creature.

I can see, um, contested by the targets deception check. If you succeed, I can, then I can use my sneak attack. Um, even if I don't have advantage, which I assume I don't right now. So that's my plan, to try to use sneak attack. So it's, yeah. Yeah, you don't, yeah. Insight check contested by target's deception check. Okay.

So. Oh, shoot. Okay. So. Shoot. It rolled a 12. Unfortunately, I rolled a 10. So I'm just going to shoot an arrow at it, but I don't get my. Okay. So using my short bow. I also just

loose an arrow directly into the ocean. Cool. Hopefully Agatha has better luck. I have standard bluebird stats for Agatha. I'm going to go ahead and text that to you, Sarah, for future reference because that seems to me

like a fun little thing we can use for her. She has a plus one to her wisdom. future reference because that seems to me like a fun little thing we can use for her so she has a plus one to her wisdom so if you want to roll a perception check for her she's gonna look for gulls nope she's just gonna float on the wind for a while and chill oh that's fine she's out of harm's way at least. Fun. Okay. Fun.

Quotation mark. We are about to die. Indeed. So one of the eye stalks sort of turns over towards Jelf. This is of course a thing that is not happy to be shot with a couple of arrows, Jelf. So I'm going to have you do a DC 16 wisdom saving throw, please.

Ooh. Hmm. 15 plus 3 is 18. Ooh. All right, you just barely miss a yellow laser that fires out of one of its eyes and slaps into the wet sail that's flapping next to you. Do I get a retaliation?

Only if Jelf has something under his reactions on his character sheet, which I believe Paladins have a fun reaction. But unfortunately, you are an Arcane Archer fighter. So that is... I have other stuff I can do. It's all right. It's all right. It's all right. It's cool. It's cool. I'm all right with this. It's all right.

Up next, we've got Danny. Danny, you feel like it's a little tricky. The cannon you're currently at could maybe wing one of its paw-like flippers, but it's hard to get a good shot on it because this thing is just moving around much quicker than a boat would, which is what these cannons are originally designed for. Well, I'm going to try anyway. You're going to fire the cannon again? Yeah.

Let's get another survival check, sir. 17 plus 3. Let's see. All right. That's a hit. Cool. Cool. Alright That's a hit Cool What is it with beholders in this planet man It's my slave I'm trying to get away from Cloddenhut

You're supposed to be on vacation you guys Brought up trunks full of vacation clothes Brian please roll 5 D10 plus 10 That's for that cannon He hit it with a cannon Please roll a 5d10 plus 10. Whoa. That's for that cannon? He hit it with a cannon.

Yeah. I like that. We should all get flamethrowers. That would help. If we win, we'll all get tattoos of flamethrowers. Roll 5d10, 10 five times, and then add 10. Uh-huh. That'll be our group name, the Flamethrowers.

From the time we killed that dragon turtle, each with our own individual flamethrower. Seven. Eight. Are you making me do all this math? It's 15. No. Zero. Oh, no, 10.

Yeah, yeah. Zero. Zero. No. Okay. Zero. Oh, no, 10. Yeah.

Zero. Zero. Yeah. 10 again. One more, right? Sure, one more. And a nine. Nice. 44.

Plus 10 at the end, right? That's 54 is what I have. Yep. Yeah. I know you said I didn't have to do the math but i assumed i would anyway uh so yep you do 54 points of bludgeoning damage oh it's dead right fire the cannon uh well i wouldn't say dead i mean it does just like get an absolutely devastating blow to one of its flippers. Nice. So it's very angry at you now, Danny. It's not its turn, however, and it's used its legendary action.

So up next, we've got Nathan. Hey, Nathan, this thing's face is right up to the side of the boat. Its flippers have just raked across the deck of the boat. Talk to it, Nathan. Hmm? Talk to it. Talk to it, Nathan! Talk to it! Stretch! Stretch! Um, I mean, there's nothing else I can do.

I guess I will, uh, I'll cast comprehend languages for my action this time. And maybe for movement I will if there was another pair of hands with Danny at the cannon, would that help out somehow?

Because I'm sort of... There's nothing else really I can do. I mean, you could fire it and get advantage because there's two of you. Is there another cannon? It's facing the wrong way. On the other side, yeah. Would that help?

Oh, maybe you didn't hear me answering. Yes, you would get to fire it and roll with advantage, but you'd have to be able to get to it. Right now, if you look at the map, I'm going to go ahead and take out the ruler. You are 5, 10, 15, 20. You're

about 55 feet away from the cannon. Right, so I can go my movement, which is 35. So that's what I will do. I will cast Comprehend Languages on myself and then, I guess, get to there. Great. And I will sort of say, I'm coming, Danny!

Danny! It is weird to hear you crying out to Danny like that because my name is Dan, and when I was five, I would be called Danny, and I'm like, why are you infantilizing me, Chris? This is bizarre. I'm going to have to get used to that for at least a little while longer

until this dragon turtle destroys that character named Danny. Up next, we've got Jelf. I'm going to shoot it with all I have is regular arrows've got Jelf. I'm going to shoot it with all I have is regular arrows. So I'm going to do it. Ooh, a 16 plus 4 plus 2, which is 22. That's a hit.

And what are I'm trying to remember exactly what arrows do for damage. I think they're 1d6, right? Yep. 5. do for damage i think they're 1d6 right yep five and i'm gonna use i have a uh a second win once per short rest i can use a bonus action or i'm sorry uh uh an action surge i can take one additional action on my turn okay use it once every short rest oh uh the damage on that

I need to correct the damage on that it's a 1d8 plus 4 on that arrow oh okay I just rolled a natural 20 on the second attack so go back and do the damage oh the first one was an 8 plus 4 is 12 and then the second one

is a 4 which is an eight uh roll 100 also please so it's 20 uh 80 fuck okay you just freaking like pull back this arrow and it goes and just slaps right into the central eye of this dragon turtle, and you just see bright, glowing green blood rocket out of the puncture wound. Yikes. Oh, good. In the eye. I feel a little bad for it. Not!

Cool. Jelf has gone. 2D, you're up. I'm going to bonk it with my warhammer right on the beak After the phone rings That's Hollywood What a great idea, Ken Bonk it right on the beak

Please first pick up your 1970s landline That just rang It's my mother's, she's elderly I guarantee that phone is a Greenish-yellow plastic Everyone in California You should have a landline. You heartless fuck.

Actually, you're going to wish you had a landline after an earthquake and all the cell towers are gone and you're VOI. See, Danny? See what happened? I'm going to call you Danny to confuse you more. Uh-oh, there's an earthquake at Danny's. Okay, so

hammering? Yeah, roll to attack Danny stop shaking Alright Stop calling me Danny Okay Dan What kind of water is that Brian Is that a Dasani It's this kind

Those are 15 Sorry yeah 15 Dasani? It's this kind. Okay. That was a 15. Sorry. Yeah, 15. That's a whiff, unfortunately. You go to bonk this thing and just... Yeah. Almost tip over the side of the boat trying to hit it.

All right. Up next, we have the dragon turtle. He's going to do a little... What a dragon turtle. It is going to attempt to smash the boat in half. Oh. All right. So that is a 27 to hit.

Oh, I totally missed. Can I see... is it totally dark? It's nighttime? It's nighttime, and it's storming. It's about two in the morning. I just wonder if I can see any lifeboats. Can we kill ourselves before we die?

Last time you asked, too much rain to see the lifeboats. Too much rain to see the lifeboats. I could let you do a perception check if you want to, but unfortunately it is Dragon Turtle's turn and he is mid face smash on the boat. It's smashing its face into the boat. Yes, it is attempting to sort of do,

what do you call it when you burst out of the water? It's trying to breach right onto the center of the boat with its face first face smash and it's going to go ahead and succeed on that so I'm going to need everybody to do

this is just to not get thrown completely wildly I need everyone to do dexterity savingaving Throw difficulty 22. Sure. Why not? I got a 15 plus 4 and 19. So close.

9. 20. Not close. Very close. 15. Close-ish. 18. We're going in the drink. Close-ish plus three. So you guys all, for a second,

see this thing kind of like wag its tail to get some thrust, and then it explodes upwards out of the water, and just before the entire body of it uh sort of like seems to go up in an arc it points itself downwards and uh just sort of like collides its face right into the just hull of the boat and uh everything goes black as all of you lose on lose consciousness and go unconscious was he saying anything because i cast comprehend languages was he sort of like he's saying the abyss inside me there is no bottom

oh yeah i don't even know i need to write that down all right and we wake up in the hotel room and silence you're all just seeing white after you know like a long long time. You start to come to. You're all kind of like shored up on like this lava rock on a small island. You think in the distance you see smoke. It's really far away, but it's morning-ish. Maybe it's only been a few hours. And you all come to and see each other.

Well, that was interesting and and uh and this is heaven right like what dreams may come uh agatha's not immediately here okay i look for i scan the sky for her do a perception check. Natural 20. Plus two. Nice. Jesus. You think you see a speck in the distance circling to the southwest. Yeah.

You have a special whistle? Yeah, I kind of... I whistle for her. You all hear Iva whistling, and Agatha... begins her long descent towards the small island you are on. This island looks like it's almost entirely a black, dark grayish lava rock. It's miles from any shore.

You just see ocean in all directions. And the island itself is very small. You think you see some crags in it and some places you could take shelter. But for the most part, you are on a small lava rock island. is very small. You think you see some crags in it and some places you could take shelter. But for the most part, you are on a small lava rock island. Stranded. Are there trees? Are there any buildings?

No, there's no soil. Just lava rock. You do at one point see a little puffin-like bird kind of pop up and look around and then dive off the side. All right, so we won't starve. How did we get here? Is there like a raft?

Is there any remnants of the boat? Yeah, I was going to ask Agatha what happened. All right. Basic ideas. Yeah, Agatha just communicates that she just sees broken chunks of wood floating in the water. Well, it's a miracle then that we all survived. There's no lifeboat.

You guys did not take a raft here. You just all sort of washed up here. Is everybody okay? You all seem okay. It's very strange. Does anyone want to play a refreshing game of dice just to reset ourselves? Well, if you think it's strange that you have all your hit points,

I'd be happy to. We'll just roll some boat explosion damage real quick. I'm going to go ahead. This is going to be a 30d12 plus 90 that I'm going to roll against everybody because the boat exploded and Sarah reminded me that it's strange that you have full health. I didn't remind you. Somebody else was asked.

Say full health. Whoever thought it was strange that you weren't hurt. I have full health. My thing says I have full health. You all take 792 points of bludgeoning damage. Perfect. Just kidding. No, you're fine. You're all washed up on this.

We're all washed up. If you want to look around, you're fine. You're all washed up on this. Very small island. We're all washed up. Danny's looking for any boards that are in the water close by so he can start to make some sort of raft. There's like one.

You see one big chunk of hull. How about we write a message and we can tie it around Agatha's neck and send it I ask her if there's a is there like Is there a boat or land Nearby you know land nearby She communicates

That very far to the northeast Towards the smoke there is a volcano And there is some sort of large body of land But it is It seems like maybe 100 miles away. It's very far. And the boats, the lifeboats, did she see them? There's no sign of the lifeboats, she said. All right.

Maybe I'll poke her in the lap. She says it kind of solemnly, kind of like the lifeboats are not around. I'm going to wade into the water, though, and try to get as much debris as I can. Cool. Do a survival check, please, Danny. Yeah, I'm going to help him out, too.

I'm going to start gathering stuff. Anything that washed up that looks like it belonged to us or the boat, I'm going to start gathering it up. There's some... 17 total. 17 total. You managed to swim out to this chunk of wood hull

and bring it back. It's not big enough for all of you to fit on but you could all maybe push it and paddle against it or you could pull it up onto the lava rock and make a shelter by balancing it between some of the crags. Yeah, or can I break it up and maybe craft up onto the lava rock and make a shelter by balancing it between some of the crags. Yeah. Or can I break it up and maybe craft something new out of,

out of what's left? You could maybe make a fire out of it. You'd have to tell me what you want to make. I'm not, I don't have, no, I'm talking about no taking the wood and then rebinding it and making like a raft out of it.

There's not really enough of it. Can I investigate the island? I'm going to start. I'm still... Your negativity is not stopping me. I'm still going to fucking try to make a raft. It's definitely an emotional choice that I'm denying you the ability

to take up an Etsy woodcraft shop here on the island. What if we found a bunch of these birds, killed them, blew them up like balloons, tied them together and made a raft? Okay, so how about that's a great idea. First, maybe I'd have to talk to them about that. Let's back up a second. Iva did say while Danny is bringing some wood up that she's doing an investigation check of the island. Yeah, I want to hop around and look around the lava rocks.

Great. Yeah. Everybody can roll an investigation check. But I will keep in mind that Danny's already doing something while you're doing this. 17 plus 320. Any wood, stray wood? Do I see wood

floating around? Let's wait for everyone else's numbers. No. I got a 20 also, 19 plus 1. Okay. Well, mostly you're just noticing that Danny, because you're working with the wood while everyone else is looking over the whole island. You're just looking at the way... It seems like it's very, very strong wood from the hull.

And there's like a strip of metal attached to it. So you do think you could maybe make like a, I don't know, like a tool or, you know, maybe brace the shelter if you're making a shelter out of it. You're making a shelter out of it. Yeah, a couple of you guys, after looking around, you do notice there is, between a couple of crags, like a little cave that seems to go down a bit into this small island. It's a very small island. It's only like, you know, a couple hundred feet across.

But as you go up onto the higher part of it, there's a little mouth that seems to go below sea level. Can I ask you a question, Dan, would I be able to tell if, uh, if any sort of tides rise and fall that might trap us inside this thing, if,

uh, if there's any evidence that this seems like a possibility, it seems like a possibility. It's not that high up. So it seems like with a, even just a strong way, is there like Sea life on it

Or seaweed Or barnacles Or anything Near the The cave entrance All around the edges Of this lava rock There are

Sort of like Little muscles Attached Well not all around On the The The deep ocean part On the side

Facing the volcano There's not anything growing Can I sort of like Try to attune myself To the The The The cycles of this planet the deep ocean part, on the side facing the volcano, there's not anything growing. Can I sort of like try to tune myself to the cycles of this planet and figure out what the tides would be and how much time we have? Sure, do a nature check.

I would love to. But in the meantime, you've all realized there is a cave that goes... Yeah, I'd like to investigate the cave. Let's go down the cave. I got a 15. Not sure. Not really able to tune yourself to nature. Yeah, just'd like to investigate the cave. Let's go down the cave. I got a 15. Not sure. Not really able to tune yourself in.

Okay, I'm just trying to. Well, let's get an investigation check from Ivan Tootie. What are you doing while they're going in the cave there, Nathan? I was doing the same thing. I was searching around. You can do it too. They're going in the cave. They're like.

Investigation. All right. 19. 6. 19. Six. 15. Well, all three of you kind of like hoist yourselves down. There's the,

there's, it looks like this was dug. It looks like some sort of sentience, like used either claws or tools to dig deep in here. And after you've been going for, you know, a while, uh,

you see a couple of glowing eyes in the dark. I've just like, kind of like you just, there's blackness right now. And, you know, everything's kind of creepy down here, but you know,

you do feel like you can see in the distance. There's just like just, you know, a couple weird little eyes staring at you. I have dark vision up to 60 feet. Yeah, me too. Yeah, it's dry.

Oh, the right people came in the cave. Can I try to speak to it? I can speak to small beasts, but... Oh, yeah, you Can I try to speak to it? I can speak to small beasts. Oh, yeah, you can definitely try to speak to it. Okay. Hello? Hello? I'm Iva.

Who are you? Coming closer, you see what looks like a little snake person. coming closer you see what looks like a little snake person it is a human oid it's small and it's got the head of a snake it's wearing very tattered clothes

it's not very strong looking but it sort of like cocks it's head up at you so is it speaking common or is it an animal it's speaking common or is it an animal? It's speaking common. Okay. And what does it say? Hello.

Do you live here? Yes. What? Are you here to save me? You need to get off this island? I would love to get off of this island are you imprisoned on this island that's my eye for detail feed that i that sarah is gonna ask so i have in a sense feel imprisoned here by the the wrath of faka who has created the volcano

faka faka What happens with the volcano? Well, the volcano created this island, and for a while I was here with some friends, and we made this cave, and this cave should go all the way back to the mainland, but it's too scary for me to go by myself, and all my friends are dead. Where are your friends?

What happened to them? They're all, they went in the cave and died. Have you, was Nug Nug one of your friends? No, Nug Nug the turtle from one of our bonus episodes was not one of my friends. Wait,

how do you know his name? Because we're, we have to do some meta explaining to cover Ken's inside reference. Wait, who's Ken? Ken is a cast member of Nerd Poker, a podcast you can find on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, Google Podcasts,

and other podcasts. Libsyn? Can you find it on Libsyn? You can find it on Libsyn. If you're going to use one of those other third-party apps, though, they kind of aggregate from the main ones, so they're not as reliable. I recommend just go ahead and using a name-brand corporate podcast app. It's really not as bad as you think. Sweet.

So the cave continues on past this guy, and he's saying that the other people went down. Yes, we dug it. There's a whole series of rock caves in the lava rock here. They're natural, and we connected to it, but I couldn't survive on my own. If I went out on my own, I'd be

dead like all my friends. I say we journey to the mainland. If you can guide us, we can feed you. We'll go get puffins and use them as a food supply. I like food and I like to eat puffins. This works out wonderfully. What's your name,

imminent murderer? My name is Verge. It's nice to meet you. Did you kill your friends or did they, how did they die? Oh no, the creatures in the caves killed my friends. I'm going to do an insight check to see if he's lying. Yeah, do an insight check, please. I would love that.

What sort of creatures were in the cave? 19. You think it's likely he's telling a half-truth. It seems like maybe he was partially responsible. But that he's... There's an element of sincerity to monsters in the cave killing his friends. And yeah. He says, i have supplies and he points um at this

point uh danny are you and jelf coming down to the cave as you realize everyone's been gone for a little while nope i'm i'm danny danny's totally one track and he's finding something he's gonna make a raft I'm gonna go down and see what's happening until somebody calls me and tells me to come down so Danny's gonna stay up top but Jelf is gonna join

you guys and I'll start hopping back out to go tell them Verge has a pile of what looks like bug carapaces, and he calls them meat. He said, would you, was anyone like a hot dog? I have a variety of hot dogs, and he holds up what looks like a millipede and says,

they're delicious. Verge is quite insane. A lot of snakes eat mealworms He also He says You're not the first ones I've met You know this is Once a sailor came he's dead

But he gave me this map And he hands you a map This is a map to the mainland Everybody I'm going to go ahead and text that to everybody. Wow. I will also do that as quick as I can. What is the mainland?

Clottenheim? Weston, I think. It sure is not. You tried to get to Weston and unfortunately in Sailing South landed on a little island called Faka's Wrath in the southwest corner of the southern continent that used to be connected to Clottenheim. I get the feeling we're going to meet the Faka. So we think the mainland is Clottenheim. Blaine, I hate you so much.

No, the mainland is once again not Clottenheim. You went south and this is the southern continent that used to be connected to Clottenheim. So we're south of Clottenheim. By looking at the map, you can see up in the top right there is a sort of shattered land bridge that you think used to be where Donkey Land connected. So you managed to sort of

sail all the way around south on that first day, but unfortunately, you've gone southwest corner to Fakasrath, a tiny lava island way down there in the southwest corner of the map. Okay. Here's the map. That's where the smoke's coming from.

Well, you know the food's going to be great down here, you guys. Okay, so are we informing Danny about what's happening down here? If you like, it's up to you. Yeah, when I get up there, I would tell them we found a crazy man in the caves. I'm gonna, um, Dan, if it's okay, I would like to use my gambler feature called Never Tell Me the Odds,

which says, odds and probability are your bread and butter. During downtime activities, like games of chance or figuring odds on the best plan, you can get a solid sense of which choice is likely the best one, and which opportunities seem too good to be true at the DM's determination. Okay. What are the choices that you're proposing here?

So I guess like raft, you know, raft, try to get rescued or explore these caves. Really? You feel like the odds of you being rescued are pretty low it seems just based off of agatha's intel that there's not much left of the boat or the survivors so that seems rough um you do think it's a pretty long trip against the ocean uh there might be big currents it's so far away to the mainland that to make a raft, you might just end up going farther out to sea.

These caves, you don't have a map of the caves, but there seems like a chance you could go into the mainland. You get a sense Verge definitely knows more. Not just about what happened to his friends but like about

what the deal is with this continent where he seems to be from the mainland so you might be able to tell you a little bit more about the geography and stuff like that okay it was useful actually i loaded up with some investigative features and insight features given what has happened in previous games. I'm scarred. Yeah, you feel like he definitely could fill you in on what the map means if you wanted to make it clear what your next destination might want to be. Okay. Yeah. Let us know.

If we go through these caves, what are we headed for? What's happening? Oh, well, you definitely want to go to a city. If you want to stay on the island, it's a very nice island full of magical artifacts, but you probably want to go to a city because

things will just eat you all over the place. It's scary. You don't want to be in the wild in davin glaven david's okay uh i see this continent i see the davin glaven i'm looking at the continent okay cool so if we so basically it looks like we're actually not that super far from the continent so we'll go under through the caves hopefully get to the continent probably near that volcano people are going to try to eat us constantly and will kill us.

And then we'll make our way to a city and have a great adventure. I recommend Blingbottom. It's on the south coast. It's where everyone who washes up in Davenglaven ends up. You had me at Bling. I show off some of the jewels that are embedded in my...

Oh, that'll go over great in bling bottom. Do an insight check. Oh, man, she's going to bedazzle them. Your clothes are covered in jewels? They're not covered, but I like a little glitter. And my leather armor has some jewels here and there. Yeah. I did not have a great time with an insight check there, though.

That was a six. All right. I mean, nothing really stands out other than what you already observed. So should we take a vote? New friends? I'm ready to go. Danny is still up top. Oh, I thought Danny came down, yeah. I thought somebody came and got me. Yeah, I'm ready to go. Danny is still up top. Oh, I thought Danny came down, yeah.

I thought somebody came and got me. Yeah, I thought the whiskers. Okay. Why don't we all go topside and ask our friend to come with us? Topside meaning? Meaning? Underground in the caves?

No, I mean like back up to get Danny. Okay, great, great. Take that, yes. So Danny's with you. And, uh, yeah. You thinking caves? Let's spelunk. Danny, are you alright with exploring through these lava rock caves?

Um. If that's what you all think we should do, then yes. I think it's our best option. How are you guys on rations and stuff? Should we puffin' it up for a while? Have a full week. Yeah, I've only got a day because I have different goodies in my bag. Oh, you know what?

Roll a... You were under deck for two rounds of narration there. Why don't you roll 2d6? Who, everybody? Nope, just Sarah. Eight. Okay, so if you want,

I can say you picked up, because this is all you found on the boat, you picked up additional eight days of personal one-person rations that you could spread around to the whole party for two days. Plus there's all the bugs. Should we do some puffins? I could do some puffins. There is, if you're willing to eat

millipedes and cockroaches, you could also a few days rations there, it looks like. Normally I hold off on those until Thanksgiving But alright So now I have 13 ration Portions Do we not have our own bags?

Do we lose our bags? I just didn't have, my bag did not include rations Because it had other stuff in it It still does Yes Alright well You're setting off and Ver verge uh tells you the tale of uh of dave and glaven his homeland and the pact his people made uh with faka that enraged faka and uh ended up

cursing his people and we can get into that and more next time on Nerd Poker. Hey, Sam. Well, we're not dead. They're not dead. Got away from the turtle guy. What do you think happened today? Thank you, Dan. Turns out we did not die this week, which we all thought we would.

We battled a giant sea turtle and then we followed a tiny snake man into a series of caves. I'm calling it now. I get the exact opposite energy that I got from Tik TOK. Nathan whiskers has seen death and he has seen pain and we will see blood. Nice. Uh, thank you, Sam.

I want to thank a few people today. Uh, thank you, Aaron English for doing the, the, uh, art of the dragon turtle. That was fun to throw at everybody. Thanks, Aaron., for doing the art of the dragon turtle. That was fun to throw at everybody.

Thanks, Aaron. Thanks for this episode. Thank you, Sean Bryant, for drawing up the Davin Glavin map that I just sent everybody and has a whole lot in it. Wow. That's cool. Looks terrifying even on a phone. And yes, again, you ended up not in Weston where I made it seem like you were going. You're now in Davin Glavin. And all all of you survived which was not a a gimme um but uh it would have been cool if

the dragon turtle had eaten one of you anyway uh thank you to aaron thank you to sean thank you again to kaylin uh for helping me put together the soundboard and for all of the fucking ambient sounds. That was a lot of fun. Thank you. Yeah. When does this one air? This is about two weeks from Monday. So this is real time. This is like 16 days from now.

Okay. Cool. Well, I hope you listen to my comedy special on September 19th that was two days ago I hope you enjoyed it I'm not doing any other comedy till like 2021 nothing on the books

but thanks for supporting us here if you're not a Patreon supporter please help us out we've got some great bonuses lately and more bonuses coming up. And then you can also listen to my metal show,

Grandpa's Metal Stash, on Gimme Radio or Gimme Metal. You can get that app anywhere, every Tuesday. And check out Grandpa Metal, my record. That's it for me uh blaine anybody uh dan oh yeah i would love to plug my stand-up uh if you want to twitch.tv slash tell for dan friday nights 8 p.m pacific i try to do a new hour of stand-up with a bunch of interaction

every friday night uh but yeah you know i i see what you mean about wanting to talk to blaine I try to do a new hour of stand-up with a bunch of interaction every Friday night. But yeah, you know, I see what you mean about wanting to talk to Blaine real quick. Blaine, you're still hanging out with Stacey Keach, right? This weekend, 24 hours of Le Mans. Me and the Keach in a Kia Stinger. A lot of room, a lot of speed. Kia Stinger. Thanks, everybody.

Thanks for listening to another episode of Nerd Poker. You can follow us at patreon.com slash nerdpoker, and you get bonus episodes from there. And you can also send us anything at P.O. Box 16069, Encino, California, 91416. Thanks for listening.