Nerd Poker - S4E20 Sweet Oasis

Episode Date: January 26, 2021

The crew is doing their best to get inside the twirly-yet-still-somehow-phallic Leviathan's Spiral and sadly one of their NPC guides is in peril. Hopefully they can rescue him and get inside the... shaft of the spiral, where they can then find some kind of respite. A very non-creepy respite that the dungeon master won't make gross at all.

Hey everybody, I'm Brian Pussain, Comedian, writer, actor, nerd. I've been playing D&D with my friends for a long time. I decided to do a new podcast where we play Dungeons & Dragons in my very own dining room. With my wife, kid, and my noisy dogs. So meet my friends... Sarah Kev Dan

Lee Chris Now it's time for another episode of Brian Poussaint's Nerd Poker. Season 4. Hey, everybody. It's Brian Poussaint, and you're listening to Brian Poussaint's Nerd Poker. Episode 20. My friends are here.

I see Ken. Oh, hey. Hi. Hi, Brian. How are you? I see Ken. Oh, hey, hi, Brian. How are you? Dan. Hello. I love what you put on your name thing.

Nathan Whiskers. Hello. Hi. Hey, Chris. And Sarah. Hey, Sarah. You know it. Hey.

What? She got real drunk before this. I'm so drunk right now. I do actually need a drink. Jelda Yop. Blink and catch is here, everybody. No, catch me outside. He's not in the upper left,

but lower left. But it's Sam, everybody. Hi, sweet children. Yay. Yay. Don't forget you can drag him around. Yeah, oh, that's right. He actually likes it.

Not literally. I have a question for Sam. Sam, I recently texted you because I noticed that the Sam Kiefer Twitter handle was suddenly available again. Yeah, I got to go get that the porn account that took it over was deleted by the time this airs i will have gotten you didn't go for it i did not you texted me that you were all over it i feel like what you meant was i'm currently busy and you texted me about porn in the middle of something no for in the future if i ever text back i'm all over it that i put my phone back down directly next to my side and then i continued playing spider-man oh shit you got

that new one yeah it's great i'm all over it um the missions uh go by pretty quickly right roads uh roads have finished the missions in a day and a half or so. Yeah, they do. Do you guys have PlayStation 5s? It's a fun game. Yeah. Nice.

That's what Rhodes got for Christmas. Wow, lucky fella. Yeah. And Rhodes gave me one for Christmas. Oh my gosh. Oh my gosh. Because you're his what? Godfather? Yeah.

Sure. Brian's like, yeah, whatever. I let my kids send PlayStation 5s in the mail to my friends. Whatever. No. It's called Improv Asshole. Yes and. Damn. You nailed it. This is my favorite episode.

Brian, when does your theater open up on Ventura Boulevard? Improv Asshole? I can't wait to check out the shows and the classics. We've been recording for 40 minutes. I would love to finally take a class. It's all just, yeah, sure. What the fuck? I don't give a fuck.

Yes, and. Fucking do it. I don't know. Fucking go. Yeah. It's a dismissive yes and. Yeah, he's a godfather. Sure, let's see it. What of it?

Yeah, fucking show that shit. I don't give a fuck. Yes and, motherfucker. Now we need a stupid location from you fucking assholes. Wow. What else, you fucking pricks? He's a dentist. He's just improv with fucking pricks he's a dentist

I heard a dentist you fucked up dildos am I doing this right where are we you play freeze tag and then when you freeze the two people in the middle of the scene you just walk off stage and leave them there frozen alright thank you for Chris

knowing what that improv game was you know I feel like it's time for me to be grateful you know why All right. Thank you for Chris knowing what that improv game was. You know, I feel like it's time for me to be grateful. You know why? Because I just love people and I love people who go by these usernames on a list of Hey Boss and Stargoyle supporters on our Patreon list. They go by names like Eric E. Thanks, Eric E. Thank you, Ethan.

Thank you. Thank you, Flea47. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you, Flea47. Thank you. Thank you, Fred Durst's Vagina. Ew, Dan. Thank you, Funky Cold Medusa. Thank you.

Thank you, George Griperis. Thank you, Ghost Host With The Most. Mm-hmm. Thank you, Glenn Headcrash Sugden. uh thank you ghost host with the most thank you glenn head crash sugden thanks glenn thank you grotch sabat thank you oh this will sound familiar grigsby silverskin uh someone who named one of our recent npcs uh decided to name it after himself a bold move move. Thank you, Ian Buckley. Thank you, Ian Buckley.

Thank you, Jack Ransom. Thank you, James Brooks. I'm assuming the James Brooks. Thank you, Jason Anderson. Thanks, Jason Wegner. Thanks, Jeremiah Lemonball77x42Dudeck. What the hell? Was a bullfrog.

And thank you, Just anonymous martin thank you just some anonymous martin hey blaine who are those uh supporters brought to us by get a little closer don't be shy closer get a little closer with clamato Clamato Extra Dry, antiperspirant and deodorant. Get a little closer with Clamato. Dan? Thank you, Blaine. I will now head on into What Happened Last Time on Nerd Poker? The Castaway Cuties.

Tentatively named Castaway Cuties. Ahem. I can't do the voice today. I drank so much water, I'm having winter allergies. So here's the rest of the recap and Dan Telfer voice. You guys went up to Flays of Cola and met up with a couple of rangers who had a similar goal as you to find out what happened to the filament of Dongol, goal as you to find out what happened to the filament of dongle monk clan who were you know possibly aware of where this legendary bahamut hammer is that you could use to vanquish evil

you headed into the jungle with these guys and you're scaling the leviathan's spiral a giant weird exoskeletal structure you decided not to go in the neck you decided not to go in the duck but you did go along the shaft and head inside a crack so you're currently shimmying up the shaft and unfortunately we got a botch from one of your two ranger friends as you were heading up with your mountaining gear and he plummeted to what appears to maybe be his death he is currently laying motionless on the jungle floor in this sort of ashy patch of ground between the leviathan spiral and the jungle and not far away in the jungle there is a large four-armed gorilla like creature snuffling around for a scream noise that you

distracted it with. What would you all like to do? Iva, you're about 50 feet off the ground. Everyone else is about 100 feet off the ground. And we're just getting into some of the final rolls to get you up to the peak. Would you like to change your path? Or would you like to do something about the motionless guy on the ground? Yeah, I got to go check on that guy.

All right. So you easily rappel down and your rope is long enough that you can leave it um hooked up um are you gonna walk on over to him yeah okay what are you gonna do i mean is he alive do a medicine check I mean, is he alive? Do a medicine check. 19? Yeah, he's very, very faint vital signs.

You're not sure you can wake him up, though. Okay, unfortunately, I don't have any. Is there anywhere that I can drag him where he would be so that at least the gorilla won't find him while I try to figure out what to do here? Uh, yeah, but you, you think he's, he's,

you could try to drag him, but he's maybe making his, uh, dungeon master is maybe making his death saving throws behind the screen right now. So, okay. Um,

can I, can I like bind, can I, is there anything I can do to, so that he can stabilize? Can I try to stabilize him or do I need like a, a healing spell to stabilize him? Or do I need a healing spell to do that? You think you need a healing spell with that 19. He lost all his hit points

and you can't stabilize him because he needs his meds. He's in deep shit. Okay, I guess I'm just gonna you know Kind of like gurgling out of a wound in his neck. Oh.

I'm just gonna throw up a Hail Mary to the... The god of the monks that we're looking for. Okay. So not Mary, but whoever it is that they worship. A Hail... Did we get into that? Hmm? Did we get into that they worship a hail did we get it and just be hmm did we get into who they worship well i think we talked about the different yeah because we talked about the different facet or factions on the island trickster rad and the good god and

the bad guy do we not know i guess i could just do um bahamut or whoever yeah is that who had the yeah it's uh the hammer but yeah yeah that's 2d's god yeah yeah i mean 2d's up there so i guess i was thinking he might not be able to yeah i would care what i'm too far away okay i'll do a religion check please bonesty i'm just gonna be like we're trying to save these monks please for boralysis you know help us 17 okay boralysis is the temple that you guys visited uh bonesty is a elven nature goddess um i don't believe you know what these guys uh worship or even if they're particularly religious monks or if they're more uh fighting order of monks um no i always think of monks as yeah yeah these are these are a different sort of kind um what what was your check there sarah 17 i mean you do get sort of like a rush of inspiration but there's no voice

attached to it can i use the inspiration to like find wounds in an inspired way well it's not like an inspiration token you don't really get that but uh you know i know um you do feel like whatever you do next you might uh roll advantage on um that's proof of a god can you imagine think about it think about what just happened think about what we just discovered you guys proof of a god um okay well i'm just gonna try to do some first aid I'm just gonna roll a medicine check and just hope for the best roll a medicine to stop it

he's currently at two and one on his death saving throws which I've been rolling during the discussion okay 17 was my best out of those yeah you could stabilize him with the 17 i mean so he's stuck at zero hit points you've you've got a sort of like ripped you ripped off part of his cloak and you've got it wrapped around his throat um but he's got some broken bones

um the jungle where the the gorilla-like creature was snuffling around it's harder to hear on the ground level a lot of the noise of that giant thing was carrying up over the treetops and now that you're below the tree line the the trees are kind of masking the sound of whatever he was doing out in the jungle so you're not sure what's happening next but you're still very exposed okay so now i'm gonna cast another illusion of just like tall grass over him i can do five feet so i'm just gonna have like basically his body be covered in tall grass and then i'm gonna try to scramble up the side of the mountain again how long do illusions last one minute and hopefully you're gonna like call up to tootie or yeah Yeah, so I'm going to get up out of the way

and then I'm going to... And they can decide what they want to do. He's stable. He's, you know... The rest of you guys are 100 feet up. Tootie, you hear Iva calling up that this guy needs medical attention. What do you want to do?

I'll climb down and help. Okay. You climb down. And, Iva, you're what, hiding in the grass with the body or you're climbing up? No, I'm trying to get up,

back up again. Okay, do an athletics check, please. One, two. While you're doing that, you head over and what you gonna do there, Tootie? Lay hands on him. All right.

So he gets a couple of his hit points back, right? Yeah. How many are you giving him? I'll give him 10. Okay. So he gets up to 10 and he kind of spits up some blood

and sits up. You managed to get his bones set, but he's feeling weak. He's going to try and climb up with you. So those two are going to roll. What did you get, Sarah? 21. Great. All right. So you get up 50 feet. Tootie,

please roll. Dex? Athletics. Athletics, sir. With advantage. Yes. Oh, I don't know. That is a 23. All right. Well, Tuco rolled a 19, and you guys get about

50 feet up by the time this beast is reappearing, and he's, you know, looks through the grass just as it disappears. I'm going to get one more athletics check from everybody, please, to get up to

the crack in the shaft. Right on. I don't think that's how that's supposed to be. Do we have advantage again? Yeah, you do. You're using these very fancy mountain air packs to get advantage. Thirteen. 13.

12. 16. So far, so good. Do you hear my 17? I did not know. Same time. Okay. Who's left?

A 19 and a 12 from the NPCs. You guys make it on up into the crack. Yeah. So this crack is very, very, very long and wide, as you can see from the map. He's laughing, folks, because i said the crack is very wide do you get it more the long actually the visual of the long crack like a long and like it's got some girth to it um the how does a crack have girth the shaft has girth and therefore the

crack in the shaft is kind of like you know know. Oh, my God. Are you children? Huh? Yes. So the sort of way that you're coming up on it is analogous to the map. There's that sort of. Analogous. Well, I was going to say there's that lip of the crack that you guys are coming up on. Oh, my God. We'll never get through this. You're on like the lower lip of the crack.

It's so dirty. And as you can see, there's some sort of like vegetation dripping off of it. Ew. Okay. Listen, that part wasn't supposed to be gross, but given all the build up, there is no way around it. So you're saying there's like a bush on the crack is what you're saying? No.

It's what you said, Dan. It doesn't look like one of those Brazilian spirals, does it? It's on the crack is what you're saying? No. It's what you said, Dan. It doesn't look like one of those Brazilian spirals, does it? It's on the map. There's vines coming off of it. This is not safe for anything. You all are disgusting. Nerd poker after dark, this episode. D and DTF.

Yeah, you guys. Chris is not participating and he looks disappointed in all of us. Guys, I have to go to church excuse me I'm in church wow this is my church I am a church don't hurt him

it's like a very large cave mouth oh my god seriously you're faced with a choice mouth um oh my god seriously you're faced with a choice there's there's a sort of cave to your right and a cave to your left um the the whole thing is sort of caked with lye

and it's like granite like substance then there's on top of the granite like substance like these rings so like the outer shell of this thing is impossibly um impenetrable like substance like these rings so like the outer shell of this thing is impossibly um impenetrable like almost like steel um but it shaped you know like bone when when you were approaching it looked more like bone now that you're close it's almost like this whole spiral is made of metal that's decayed over centuries and the the cave narrows down into

like a smaller cave um and when you look like there's sort of like glowing purple fungus going in either direction. And there's not much to differentiate the two directions. Both kind of like start to go in these sort of bendy paths that make it hard to see. So you've got to decide, am I going to kind of go, you know, this side of the spiral or this side of the spiral towards the neck or towards the duck? Hey, the purple fungus that you're talking about, do I feel like I've seen it before? Do I have any sort of nature?

I'll let you choose. Yeah, and you can either do a nature check or you can do a history check. I'll do a nature check. You can all do it if you want. Sure. Who doesn't want to do a check? 17 on the nature check.

To see if this is some sort of indigenous fungus or if I've seen it before. Can anyone beat a 17 on nature? No. No. Nope. What you got, Brian no all right yeah you know uh the these are like nothing you've ever seen before blaine they respond to the touch by sort of flinching and then after pulling back for a second reaching out as if to try to grab you and it's very unsettling um but when you touch it with like a like the tip of an arrow it it doesn't pierce it it doesn't feel spongy enough

to to damage the fungus so this is some really weird shit and it almost seems like it's uh responding to you in a way that makes it semi uh reactive aware yeah like it's it's more reactive than most fungus for sure it's not covering the ground it's just the walls and this but but it's on parts of the ground and it's illuminating stuff huh yeah and people have definitely been in here before there's like some like very very uh like clear like prints in the dust hey uh if it's like a fungus very, uh, like clear, like prints in the dust. Hey, uh, if it's like a fungus, can I, uh, uh, can I do something very 2021 and say that maybe we should all sort of rig up, uh, a mask over our mouth and nose.

So we don't get any sort of inhale, any sort of weird spores. I thought you were going to say we should all eat it. Yeah, you could all whatever you want to do my sourdough starter is fantastic you guys you guys can all take a little bit of cloth over your shiitake mushrooms are kind of fungus you know i feel like do you have any reason to you're right this is a well glowing weird fungus that reaches out towards you i'm thinking if it releases something it might and it gets in your lungs that we would turn into a fungus like this

get super fucking high yeah I'll pull my I'll pull my scarf up I'll pull my scarf up over my put your scarf up over your face is that what you're going to say? yeah my nose and my whisk I just don't want masks invading my fantasy world right now but okay

okay Karen you can't breathe wow yikes want masks invading my fantasy world right now, but okay. Okay, Karen. You can't breathe. Wow. Yikes. Grigsby helps Tuco. And Tuco kind of digs into his supplies too. And they kind of heal up Tuco a little bit

so he's a little more at 100%. But they ask you like, they kind of like look back and forth and they can't tell it looks like there's footprints going in both directions um so between them they're like we can flip a coin i don't know what do you think don't i have a i don't think this hold on i have a um judging judging from the way this thing coils too is there a does one end of this thing look larger than the other one? Or is it like an equal kind of spiral?

Yeah, I mean, that's why they call one end the neck and one end the duck. One end looks like it's like the neck leading up to the head. So let's head for the head. Sorry. That sounds good. good yeah it's me i was gonna say that i have this feature where i can do where odds and probability are my thing and so if we're figuring odds on what the best plan is i can get a solid sense of which choice is likely the best one cool um based on the information that we have, not like anything special, but I'm just particularly good at,

I guess, gauging that at the DM's discretion, it says. Okay. I will say you do think the tracks leading towards the head look like they're a larger group that came in at the same time. So you do think maybe

that is a group of monks that were here in the same time uh so you do think maybe that is that is a group of monks that were here in the last week or so great um jelf was was uh on it good job himself you knew all about that purple fungus great job great uh oh go ahead uh... Oh, go ahead. Sorry, go ahead. I was going to try to rhyme purple with something, and I'm glad you stopped me. Nerp. Hey, Nathan, how long does that charm spell go? One hour.

Alright, so that's still going. Grigsby is like, uh... Uh... Yo, tell me more of your people. Oh, well, you you know we all live inside hatches which uh look sort of like uh big trees but they've got little doors and we all have electric lights that's something electricity is not so much common here but with rabbit folk it's very fun we love fires we love uh eating we love salad we love fires. We love eating. We love salad. We love radishes. We love broccoli. We love celery. All the delicious vegetables, I suppose.

Right. I'm getting thirsty. Are you a vegetarian? What else is there? Meat. Nah. It's not my thing. You should try a Slim Jim because they're really good. Oh, I snapped into one once. you should try a slim jim because they're really good oh i snapped into one once of course grigsby uh absorbs all this excitedly as you head and if you look at the leviathan

spiral map that's to the right ish is the the path towards the neck you head through the tunnels there are a couple of bends and turns i'm gonna have everybody do a perception check. Perception. Things get very dark. There's still sort of a purple glow off of the fungus, but you sense yourselves relying on your dark vision and the two rangers kind of squinting a little bit as you get

deeper in. I got a 25. Oh, jeez Louise. A 25, and then what'd you get, Sarah? 16. Rest your health. 13. 7. Oh jeez Louise A 25 and then what did you get Sarah? 16 13 7 I got a natural plus 3 Badass

So all you guys beat a 15 Which includes the rangers You just feel like you hear whispers They're coming Sort of in and out of the shadows Between the fungus, whose purple light leaves shadows, even though you have dark vision.

And so the shapes beneath the fungus just seem to shift oddly, and you hear this just sort of like, I saw you, I saw you, I saw you. And it seems like the shadows sometimes exchange between the left and the right sides of the tunnel, and it's quite uncomfortable

yeah I will point my wand my little glowing carrot towards one of the shadows and say hello are you there do a mmm

persuasion check persuasion you say Dan I think so oh natural 20 plus 2 when you point your wand you see the shadows go and like drift away from where your wand is almost as if there's some sort of like fog

between the fungus that's afraid of what will come out of your wand for a moment like it was scared by like it was not persuaded it was scared or just that it was acknowledging it more than you expected. Like, it's almost like, like, like, uh,

when you said, are you there? It, it, it, it, uh, over accommodated you almost even by accident.

Oh, it was really strange. You don't know what's going on. I will turn to everybody and say, I think that fungus is, uh, a thing, but it's the shadows that move, not the fungus.

I mean, it's as if there's some other sort of magical element in here. Do I think the fungus is controlling the shadows? I thought you were describing that. Insight check. Okay, sorry. That's what I thought you were describing. It's the shadows between the fungus.

I don't mean to put words in your mouth. Only a nine. Only a nine. You can't tell if it's the shadows between the fungus yeah i don't mean to put words in your mouth uh only a nine only a nine you can't tell if it's shadows operating independently of the fungus or the fungus casting only a nine okay only a nine my my instinct is like i think the shadows are a function of the fungus whatever that means to everybody you still see those tracks but it's it's getting sort of like kind of weird in here and

you kind of get a vibe that you're passing through like into like another place like all of a sudden the dirt seems to have a different quality almost like it's like a earthier dirt uh and you round a corner and you see the face of a

tree it's like a tree is growing up through this tunnel and the tunnel is like about 20 feet by 20 feet and the entire tunnel is blocked by this it's like tree bark so you don't see a tree but you see what appears to be tree bark with a slight curve that covers the entire pathway ahead and leading up like right on ground level there is a five and a half foot tall door carved into the tree bark with a little window in it with some drapes on the other side of the window that have little pink polka dots on them and a small copper doorknob this is gonna be a meat cute for nathan whisker the two the two rangers kind of look at each other and uh back up a few steps what do they think it is ask them uh they kind of like shrug and both start going through their prayer notebooks and they cast some sort of protection spell on each other.

So you think that's bad? Your instinct is that is a bad house. Seems a little out of place, don't you think? Oh, yes. It's a tree, like a little tree house with a cutesy patterned curtain on the door. Yeah, like the whole way ahead is blocked off by this tree bark. Shall we go see the name on the door? It's like a wall of tree.

Mm-hmm. Yeah. A name on the door, you said? Well, wasn't there like a little... I mean... There's a copper doorknob. Copper doorknob. Let's go see him.

See if there's perhaps... Investigate the door. Let's check out the door. Yeah, move in a little bit. I feel like this is... If we negotiate nicely with whoever this is, that they'll let us through and we can kill them on the way out.

Fine. Anyone would like to... You can always what, Chris? Nothing. Keep going. Oh, well, I wanted to hear the cute thing. But yeah, please think about how you can weave that into whatever happens next. If you guys want to get within a couple inches of the door

to check it out, please roll an investigation check. The two rangers start sort of pacing around the outer edge of the 20 foot corridor trying to figure out if like this is real wood and they kind of poke it with their daggers and oh interesting I got a natural 20 plus 5

damn okay anyone else beat a 25 on their investigation damn okay anyone anyone else beat a 25 on their investigation I got a 78 oh that's nice yeah I got a plus 2 it's pretty great

well I've 76 with 2 I just I heard 78 i was thinking trantam sarah you're kind of like looking the whole thing over and it's it's it's strange the whole thing does really seem kind of folksy and like from another place and as you look, really close at the doorknob, you notice, even though it's like bright, shiny copper, just like the bottom edge of the doorknob seems to be like purpley fungus a little bit.

Hmm. So it's an illusion that the fungus is casting is what it seems like or the you don't get that impression at all it just seems like the surface of it is purple fungus for some reason like the fungus built this though doesn't that or the fungus is this that's not what i'm implying necessarily yeah is there fungus on the tree um not necessarily but it does seem like like the bark has a few like

unusual curves in it does someone want a mage hand knock and or open the doorknob I can do that why don't we hop back and as we're sort of moving back I think I might sort of say to everybody I wonder if this is say to everybody I wonder

if this is all the fungus I wonder if this is the fungus somehow reading us or me and perhaps creating an invitation now does it want to eat us or does it want to talk

can I ask does this seem like something that's, this tree or this door, is it familiar to Nathan specifically? Because maybe it took a read off of his wand. Do I recognize it? Do a history check for me, Nathan. Oh, my God. Yeah, maybe it like read your carrot or something and kind of like, and then and recreated your

high school prom uh 18 oh interesting all right nathan this is your great grandmother's tree you don't know how it got here but this is the the same like bark patterns and the same door and the same drapes wow and it's from a wood in another continent also your great-grandmother died years ago does it smell the same uh do a smell check oh and you do you better pass this you know what nathan you wrinkle your cute little nose and you kind of twitch it back and forth a little bit thank you for acting that out for me of course and you and uh you just get this like it smells a little bit like scones that your great-grandmother used to make or maybe baking inside how could fungus make scone smell i was thinking they were like

building this out of your memories well you haven't smelled they made some scones too yeah you haven't smelled those scones in years. Does anybody have Dispel? Do we smell scones? Yes, everyone can smell the scones once he points it out. You'll walk up to the door and kind of smell that. Smells like scones. Alright, let's...

You want to try to talk to the... I will... Sure, why don't I just mage hand the door and kind of go and politely like knock, knock, knock. And I'll sort of maybe wait for a moment to see if somebody, if,

if no one comes, I'll open the door, but I'll wait for a moment. Okay. You hear some shuffling around inside after the knock and some pots and pans kind of clank into each other. And then the door opens and you all see a kindly

you know four and a half foot tall rabbit with a little like cloth hood over the tops of her ears and you recognize her as your great grandmother Nathan

and no this is like a weird black mirror And you recognize her as your great-grandmother, Nathan. No, this is like a weird Black Mirror fungus grandma episode. I don't like it. Or we're in rabbit heaven. And she says, oh, Nathan, this is so wonderful. Please, please introduce me to your friends. It's so good to see you. Look how impressive you've become. Grandmama, what a surprise to see you. Look how impressive you've become.

Grandmama, what a surprise to see you. Well, I'm surprised to see you here as well. I never thought I would bump into you again. Do come in. All of you come in. And she leaves the door open and kind of shuffles in there. You see a very familiar setting inside. It looks like her tree with like a two-story high build-in that goes

higher than the cave as if the tree continues vertically once you go through the door. I would like to cut the door with my glaive. Like what? Slash it vertically down through the top?

Yeah. Do a strength check, please. Couldn't we have gotten some scones first? They smell good. I don't trust any part of it. Yeah, man. One of those little trees will grow out of your gut. That's a 20. Natural 20? 24. That's a lot, man. What little trees will grow out of your gut? That's a 20. Natch. Plus.

Natural 20? 24. That's a lot, guys. Yeah, you just. You utterly shatter this door in half. Wood goes flying everywhere. And Nathan's grandmother sort of like stumbles forward and like looks over her shoulder and goes, oh my. Stumbles.

Way to go, Ken. In alarm. She's terrified that someone is smashing her door in half. But not, she didn't feel. No, it's not like you like damaged her like magically by shattering the door. She's not connected to the door. I apologize to her.

Whatever's going on. I apologize to her. And I say it smells wonderful in here. Nathan, who are these vagabonds? What is this? How dare you? I just complimented your cooking. But you destroyed my door.

No, I'm just kidding. Grandmama. Nathan told us you were dead. I did die, but I've appeared magically to him before. I know you're here with the house and the scones, but it does seem as though it's connected.

I'm sorry, are we skipping over this? We're not skipping over it. She just said she's appeared magically to you before. From time to time. Is that true? From time to time we speak to each other and things like this this seems new however i don't dan is this a familiar thing for me no you know she appeared to you magically once very briefly uh after she passed away and there was no explanation

for it what happened then um it didn't it was one of the the things where one of the things where you come home one day and just all of a sudden she's in your home um sipping tea and she says hey you know would uh i i i believe magic is in your destiny and she helped inspire you to become a wizard oh okay that that day uh so well now i feel bad does this feel like that this is a little something chris by the way emailed me many many months ago that I'm bringing back. But like, yeah, like this feels more elaborate. But does this feel like that? Do an insight check.

This has got to be fungus related, right? I think so. I assume it's an illusion 10 yeah i mean this you know when she first appeared to you it was in your own home uh this this her home uh it seems like her home you're just she it's it's odd that this is happening so so far away you know her her tree is in the woods, you know, two continents away. So you're a little confused. Okay. Is there anything you can ask her that only she would know?

I'm going to look at her directly and say, I think we have a moment here to have a chat. I don't think you are who you say you are but i am interested in talking to you as you can see we can do a bit of damage but maybe we don't have to damage you we are not interested in harm we're looking for friends my name is nathan do you ask her a question that only she would know no that's what i say to her okay uh do a an intimidation check if a rabbit said that to me i would fucking run for the hill 13 that's great um she kind of like twitches her nose.

And she says, oh, Nathan. I'd really hoped it wouldn't come to this. Oh, interesting. You were only supposed to come inside and have a scone. Okay. I could have made this much more painless than it's going to be. Uh-huh. Deep sigh.

You see the door that has shattered on the ground slowly recede into purple fungus. Interesting. And much of the wood face of this tree suddenly recedes into purple fungus. And then you see much of the fixtures inside her home, instead of receding into purple fungus and then you see much of the fixtures inside her home instead of receding into purple fungus recede into other shapes the shapes of rib cages of leg bones of shattered armor and shields uh and you see dozens of corpses uh their their their bones picked clean and she suddenly arches her back and grows to about 20 feet tall her face sort of caves in a little bit with no real features on it just a small opening can't blame her large black curled horns unfurl from

her forehead and you hear still in your great grandmother's voice from the tiny hole in her face say now I'm afraid it's time for you to die Nathan. I'm going to have all of you roll

initiative. No. So it's really her. No. No thank you. Okay. I'm going to have all of you roll initiative no so it's really her no no thank you okay so unnecessary please hold your initiative for a second while I get the initiative ready

initiative ready getting it ready is brought to you by Rolling Stones Chewables. Bam, bam, bam. Bam, bam, bam. Who goes so today? That's all I got. If there isn't any more, we have to pay for it.

That's great. All right. So first of all, I'm going to head on over to our... That's one of my funny things lately. I've been making everything chewables. ...to our map. Roll 20, folks. Make sure you're logged into roll 20.

I see many of us are not logged into roll 20. I was, but I got logged out. Oh, here's something new. So I'm going to go ahead and start dropping tokens and assigning them. I'm going to need a second for that as well. This is, of course, one

of those things that takes me more time than I want to, but hopefully will not take that long. Feel free to discuss narrative options. If you have a commercial you would like to speak about, I would enjoy that. I saw the one commercial one time.

Did you? What's your favorite commercial you've ever seen? Oh, fun. I will always have a vivid love for like the McDonald land like as a little kid seeing like all the Sid and Marty Krofft suits and stuff like that like that to me is crazy

especially the lawsuit favorite commercial I feel like I've talked about Doors Unlimited. It wouldn't be my favorite, but it's definitely the stickiest. Doors Unlimited. Unlimited Doors.

That's amazing. You're really getting it. I loved it. They do too, and it's the dumbest possible tagline for your store. It's in the name. We don't need you to explain what Dora the Unlimited means, but they do it anyway.

And I have to respect that. I do love that other McDonald's commercial where they're all singing in the... You deserve a... There is nothing so clean as my burger machine. I was telling somebody recently, there's a McDonald's commercial that, it lives in that world of things where it's like, you heard the parody version first,

or you became familiar. Like Weird Al did that with a lot of songs, but there's a McDonald's commercial where someone's playing at a piano recital, a girl playing a piano recital and she's playing like whatever it is claire de luna i don't know something some very famous piano piece but now i only hear the mcdonald's lyrics like all i want is some french fries or something like that and it's now i can never hear this beautiful piece of classical music without thinking of mc, which is, I guess, what they wanted. Quarter pound

stir with cheese! Every time I hear it, it's all I can hear. Alright, well, I'm ready for initiatives, so may I ask you one by one? Danny, what was your initiative? 17 plus 3 20

2D what'd you get Jelf what'd you get 22 Iva what'd you get I was too busy thinking about McDonald's so I got a 19

the shitty McDonald's by my house misses all you guys. I miss it too. Where have they fucked up lately? Nathan, what'd you get? They actually created COVID. 16. That's where it started.

Somebody ordered an Egg McMuffin and they were like, oh, you ordered COVID. That's the night crew crew the morning crew gets it right all right so um i am just rearranging the turn order i will say uh jelf is going to be up first and yeah you guys notice this if you look at the map there's a giant towering creature above you guys. It's a real fucking beast. You're not looking forward to what this thing could reveal as far as

what happened to the filament of Dongle, that's for sure. Jeff, what do you want to do? I'm going to shoot it in the head with a bursting arrow. Okay, roll to attack. How do you do? How about an 18? I'm going to shoot it in the head with a bursting arrow. Wow. Okay. Roll to attack. That's a fine shot. How do you do?

And how about an 18? Oh, sorry. An 18 plus four. So a 22 to hit. That is a hit. So a 1d8. So seven plus four is 11. And then the bursting arrow takes 2d6.

And that's a 9. Okay. 12 and 9 was at 458. 21. Stand. 21. Stand. Great. So, yeah, it just goes into this thing and

yeah. Head to mouth to face, wherever I could. It looks like this thing almost absorbs the damage. It just sort of goes and this black smoke kind of sucks in the damage. Like it just sort of goes, like, and just sort of like this black smoke kind of like sucks in, uh, the,

the arrow and, uh, it cocks its head to the side. Anything else you'd like to do? Uh, I'm going to roll to shit my pants. Oh, you don't have to roll for that.

Yeah, I totally, no, I botched. I botched. I botched shitting my pants. You shit your shirt instead. Yeah.

Oh. My baby did that once. I did that to someone else. Danny. Danny, you are up. Yeah. Yeah. How big is this?

Is she? About 20 feet tall. Oh, Jesus. And we're like in a... Oh, yeah, I see where we are. Is she facing somebody else? No, I just can't get the image to flip. Oh, okay.

So I couldn't... I couldn't do any sort of backstabbing. Nope. Yeah. Okay. Well, I'm going to do as much damage as I can. Okay. I'll do do short sword.

Alright. And you're going to move in? Yeah. So please scoot in. And roll to attack. 16 plus plus 5 to hit and then is that a hit?

I'm assuming and then 1d6 plus 3 okay and then 1d6 plus 3. Okay. Just 5 then, so 2 plus 3. Cool. I hate to ask you every single time, is that all he gets at this point at 4th right or do i get a bonus action do i get it um for bonus action you can do

unarmed strike or flurry of blows so you can just start uh smacking them around again okay yeah i'll use a a key and do uh uh it's two unarmed strikes is the flurry of blows right uh huh or you can use your weapon no you can use your short sword for flurry of blows oh I can yes okay

but do I just roll once uh do are you spending a key point? Yeah. Immediately after you take an attack action on your turn, you spend

a key point, make two unarmed strikes as a bonus action. No, it is... You're right. It is... It is unarmed strikes. 18 total on that one. Okay. That's a hit. Okay. Oh, six. Nice. okay that's a hit okay oh six nice um plus three

great and then I get one more right uh yeah that's definitely a hit 16 plus uh my bonus five and and I got a five plus three piercing.

Jeez. Yay. Danny did a little bit of damage. Cool. Yeah. I mean, as you are just sort of like, like,

you know, it's, um, it seems really difficult to like uh like stab at it but like you're you know um your punches and your you're stabbing they're doing some damage it's just sort of like like you know like cocking again just kind of like watching right it feels like it's absorbing a lot of this physical damage. Well, at that height, I mean, can I be like kind of focusing? I'd be focusing on his legs anyway, trying to take it down.

Sure. Okay, cool. And then as he's done, he, you know, politely steps back and waits to see if what'll happen next okay uh are you gonna step like away from it at all yeah yeah but not i'm not running okay sort of step back like almost like uh you know, your turn or see if anybody else engages it. Got it. Okay. You're not like backing five feet away, say.

Do I need to? You would take an opportunity attack if you went five feet or more. Oh, no. So, no, I don't. Great. Nathan. I'm sorry. sorry iva you're up okay does it seem this is just my perception of like iva's perception does it seem like the entire creature is before us or does it seem like all of this other fungus is like part of the

same creature no this seems separate from the. It seems like there was some sort of illusion happening. Okay. I'm going to... Hopefully I can do both of these things. What I'd like to do is I'd like to dump out a bag filled with a thousand ball bearings underneath the legs of this

creature first. And quickly tie on roller skates. Okay. I got a new pair of roller skates. Slippery. And then I would like to I'm going to sneak attack it, which I should be able to do

because of... You have a bag of a thousand... At least one person is close enough. I do. Wink. That's why she was on her way to a let's make a deal taping. I do wink she was on her way to a let's make a deal taping this season's characters are you guys have all outdone yourselves with your characters this year

I love them all alright that's your turn Sarah Well no I mean I like to dump out the ball bearings And hopefully the thing is going to lose It's balance and then I'm going to attack it Well right now it's not moving You know Then I'm going to there's ball bearings all around

It now so the ground should be Hopefully slightly unstable if it tries to move And then I'm going to shoot it with an arrow As a sneak attack. Shoot it. Yep. Oh, oops. I rolled the wrong thing.

Sorry. 17. Hey. Is that a hit? Yep, that's a hit. Okay, so I'm going to do... Joe Pesci falls on his ass. You bring any paint cans?

Okay, that's 12 points of damage. Damn. All right. I'm going to cast micro machines on it next round. If it steps at all anywhere, I want you to remember those ball bearings. Well, we'll say that's rough terrain. Correct.

And if it's walking speed will be reduced. No, I'm envisioning a whoa, whoa. Let's do a dexterity saving throw. I see what you're saying. Okay. Nathan, you're up. Oh, great. I will cast mage armor. Okay. Nathan, you're up. Oh, great. I will cast Mage Armor on myself.

Very sexy. And I think hop back here next to Jelf. Hop. Adorable. Thank you. Is that it for you then? That's it. You like to hop?

I like to hop. I's all I can do. I like to hop. I will call out to it, Grandma, I'm very disappointed. Ha! Tootie, you're up. I will strike with my glaive. I will get it within 10 feet and attack.

Okay. Glaive. And that is a 16. The glaive of Davin Glaive. All right, then. That's a 16. The Glaive of Davin Glavin. All right, then. That's a hit. Okay. Oops.

Okay. That is... Jesus. Oh, Lord. Jesus. All right. All right. All right. I don't know what... It's all right.

That's okay. Hey, Brian, I was on the Palladino Zoom the other night. Oh, shit. Yeah, it was plus one night. I love a plus one night of Palladino Zoom the other night. Oh, shit. Yeah, it was plus one night. I love a plus one night at Palladino's. Four dog night. The 1976. Fun Boy 4.

Yeah. I got a 10. No, I mean a 10. I got a 16 for hitting. Oh, I mean a 10. I got a 16 for hitting. Oh, I forgot. It's been so long. 10 points of damage. And for my bonus action...

Nice, you guys have done a ton of damage. I will cast... Price Pila. Price Pila. An 11C play or cc god damn it 11cc 6 for fighting

this is plus 1 knight that's it for you yes plus 1 Ken that's it for you? Boys, three men. Yes, plus one. I can't find the- Ken, that's it for you, is that what you said? Yeah. Was it a bonus action? Oh, here we go.

Thunderous Smite I'm going to cast. Ooh. And that affects my next attack. Got it. Okay. No. So not this turn, but we will see see make a note that you've cast it because we're coming right up on the end of the episode here um and that'll do it for you sir okay so this guy is going to take uh like it's going to cock its head back

and all of a sudden it like shutters its shoulders and this black smoke kind of rushes out of its arms and fills the chamber. I'm going to have everybody do a constitution saving throw. Is that magic or is it a charm? It's, uh, it is not a charm. It is magic. What is it meant to do, though?

What kind of magic is it? It's necromancy. Well, right. But, I mean, is it supposed to put you to sleep or is it supposed to do no okay it is going to do damage to you well i i'm just telling you because of my ancestry there's certain there's certain things that i'm i can't be put to sleep by magic nice and i have advantage on saving throws against charm. My internet just died.

So hopefully I'm caught up to you guys, but I think I just heard you say you have advantage against charm. This is not, no, he is attacking you and you have to make a constitution saving throw. Okay, cool. I don't know if anyone gave me a number, but I was out of commission for about eight seconds. 21. Great.

What else did everybody get? 16. I got an eight. Okay. I got an eight. Okay. I got a three. Oh, fun. What'd you get, Brian? 16.

All right. Everybody but Ken is going to take 12 points of necrotic damage. Jesus. Jesus. Thanks. You're also, he's, everybody but Ken, he is going to have advantage on attack rolls against you. You all have an annihilating aura cast on you. Annihilating.

Interesting. He doesn't like that Ken is not affected by this. I'm such an idiot. What did you think of, Sarah? I have a lucky feat that I could have re-rolled that, and I didn't because I'm stupid and was fucking thinking about that goddamn McDonald's commercial, which I did find.

But this was... Yeah, he doesn't like that Ken isn't affected. So he raises one of his arms and just sort of points right at you, 2D. He's all over it. You just feel something rack through your body. I'm going to have you do a wisdom saving throw. 19. Nice.

Unfortunately, this is DC 21. Jeez. This is Finger of Doom. You are now going to take 4d12 necrotic damage. What? What? What?

40-12? Jesus Christ. And then roll to wake up in bed. Coleman, I'm back at home. It was all a horrible dream. Ken, you take 36 points of necrotic damage. Are you alive? You are also... Are you alive? You are also now frightened until

the end of this thing's next turn. You are also paralyzed. You guys, this thing sucks. Uh... And you can re-roll later. But meanwhile, we'll have to wonder what our ranger friends do next time on the next episode of Nerd Poker. Hey, Sam, what do you think happened today?

All right. We are still in the jungle tending to our hurt friend. We found some glowing moss and heard some whispers and some spooky shadows. We met a tree man and learned that it's Nathan's great grandmother. I fucking love this game. Then everyone pointed out it could be something evil pretending to be her. And I got really sad because that's exactly what happened. And my heart hurts.

She's now 20 feet tall. This sucks. We ended our show mid-battle. Lastly, I love the internet and can't wait to see what it does with the hashtag nerdpokerinthecrack. Please check out my Twitch stand-up show. It would mean a lot. Hey, Brian, what are you up to these days?

I'm on Metal Stash on Gimme Metal Radio every Tuesday and then videos of my band these days. Metal stash on a gimme metal radio every Tuesday. And then, videos, uh, of my band, uh, posting,

uh, in my, for a grandpa metal and new music sucks. You can see those on YouTube at posting band. That's it. Oh, uh, uh,

top secret video. Also on True TV. Anybody else? Belaine? Actually, Stacy and I, Keech,

we are going across Route 66 over the next couple of weeks and we are rescuing animals that have been chipped. Oh, nice. Wait. How do you track them down? Take them home. Wait, wait, wait.

How do you know they're chipped before you rescue them? Well, we catch animals. We have this wand that we wave over them, kind of like one of those bedspread things at a hotel except it tells you if an animal has a chip in it. And then it shows up on my palm pilot and then we just figure out where it lives and take it home. What if it's not chipped? Do you just

throw it back in the wild? Yeah, we're not weird. Are you taking the chips out of them or are you... No, we just figure out where they escape from and we take them home most most animals are just out and they're supposed to be in the woods got it but every now and then it's like hey a cat and hey it's got a thing on it uh and then uh thanks to our uh patreon listeners for uh the constant support and everybody else I hope you were able to check

out what we did this month with the Felicia Day episodes from last year and maybe join us at Patreon if you can. Yeah please do and I wanted to thank Sean Bryant who did our Leviathan Spiral Map but also

made a little Christmas present that Sam gave us yeah it's an incredible it was really cool beach boys cover of all of us with stacy keach it's incredible and even with his busy schedule he he did it for free just on the basis that i donate some money to a charity which is a very very cool thing to do thank you it's like the most frameable thing i've seen in ages. I can't wait. It'll be on, you got it.

People ask sometimes like where we post fan art, check out Instagram. It's a really, really, really, uh, good place to see all the cool fan art people do of us. And,

uh, it's worth joining Instagram just for our account. Really? And then wait, uh, before we go hold on i think i can do this with the magic of the internet can we all see my computer yes we're looking at your computer which is thank you oh here it is i'll be scared i literally had it pulled up when you're all done and maybe

we'll all go to mcdonald's i'll be go to McDonald's. I'll be glad when I'm done. I'll be glad when I'm done. I'll be... Think McDonald's. Oh, I wish I were already there. It's for a week. Instead of here playing this song. Oh, I would have a big chocolate shake.

A cheeseburger. And also, whoops, and also fries. And I would eat my fries myself. and not give any to my dumb brother. And also mine of mine. These aren't the lyrics. But my recital is almost done. It wasn't bad. I'm still alive.

And now I can have my chocolate. It's a cheese sandwich. Commercials used to have dramatic arcs apparently she did she's singing about fries what's the line time on that commercial sam is that a minute long super bowl must have been super yeah uh minute long yeah that was that was completely unbelievable whose parents would go to the recital? Am I right? Am I right?

Thanks for listening. Thanks for listening to another episode of Nerd Poker. You can follow us at patreon.com slash nerdpoker, and you get bonus episodes from there. And you can also send us anything at P.O. Box 16069 Encino, California 91416. Thanks for listening.