Nerd Poker - S4E24 Plummet Summit

Episode Date: February 23, 2021

The Castaway Cuties continue to clear the cavern, only they are now faced with a vertical shaft that has them thinking back to several seasons of their characters falling down and occasionally being snapped in half. Time to consider their descent very, very, (or just kinda) carefully!

congratulations to our january patreon winner give it up for teachers talking teaching thank you teachers talking teaching or ttt triple t what's up thanks Hey everybody, I'm Brian Poussin. Comedian, writer, actor, nerd. I've been playing D&D with my friends for a long time. I decided to do a new podcast where we play Dungeons & Dragons in my very own dining room. With my wife, kid, and my very own dining room with my wife, kid, and my noisy dogs. So meet my friends Sarah, Kev, Dan, Lee, Chris. Now it's time for another episode of Brian Poussaint's Nerd Poker. Season four. Hey everybody, I'm Brian

Poussaint. You're listening to Brian Poussaint's Nerd Poker. My friends are here, I'm looking at them. Hello Sarah. Hello Brian. How's it going? Same old, same old. How about you? Good. Ken, how are you? I'm pretty good.

Chris? Hey me! Blame? Chris blame all my life I've wanted to be a gangster Dan Brian hey buddy how are you thanks for asking I've got a new shirt

feeling great good to hear and Sam hello Sam how you doing Thanks for asking. I've got a new shirt. I'm feeling great. Good to hear. And Sam. Hello, Sam. How are you doing? Good. Hello, sweet children. Ramen still chilling. Wait for it. There he is. I love when the pillow grows eyes and looks at us every time.

Where's that gif? Do we have that gif? I can make that gif. You've done it a couple times. You know what? That kind of enthusiasm that Raman showed me reminds me of the enthusiasm encapsulated by some of our Patreon supporters

who are at our Stargoyle and Hayboss level tiers. You know what, you guys? Thank you so much Jason Anderson. Thank you. Thanks. Thank you. 69 points of erotic damage. I'll say. Yeah. Thank you, Zombeddy. Thank you, 69 points of erotic damage. I'll say. Yeah. Thank you.

Zom Betty. Thank you. Blair Campbell. Thank you. Tyler Carter. Thanks. Michael Voller. Thanks.

Thanks, Alex. Thank you. Titan. Uranus. Oh, thank you. Tom.

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a bunch of references that sound like a ralph wiggum quote when you put them together thank you lucifer's lusty lard ass oh dear thanks larry beadnell thank you john towers thank you johnny ringo thank you deku midori is quirky all night all night all right dicku yeah wow i don't know what obviously i don't know what I don't know what exactly happened there but I definitely walked into it thank you

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Blaine who are those patreon supporters brought to us by those patreon supporters brought to us by five gals finally burgers for girls come on girls let's go get some burgers for once five gals

also brought to you by the carl's jr edition cadillac escalade it's just a escalade with a giant bun on it i really didn't put a lot of thought into that one dan sorry and we're also brought to you by lamps minus we don't have any lamps dan oh thanks blaine i'm real sorry to hear about the lack of lamps Hey nothing I can do about it I'm just a reporter Thank you for your journalism It's really good in these trying times

To have a voice like yours Hey these aren't trying times Dan these are doing times Fair enough Hey everybody Guess what it's time for What happened last time on nerd poker the 100%

confirmed cast away cuties got into some shitted leviathan spiral heading on over to the other half the half they hadn't explored in the last couple of episodes they stumbled across some sort of

large crocodile-sized gatekeeping creature thing made of stone and crawling along the wall. It had two heads where its head and tail would be made of giant stone masks. They hit around the corner for a second and then surprise party time everybody jumped around to go stab it to death and I gave Iva Paperbark the first swing which uh oh it's some kind of alarm creature

thing she stabbed the shit out of it and it was enough for it to explode she just got hit with some glass shards and now we pick up where the action left off so of course I uh hit with some glass shards and now we pick up where the action left off so of course I have neglected

to mention a few other details I just wanted to deal with the damage Iva was taking in addition to this glass spraying everywhere that you guys dodge you see the two stone masks that comprised of its two sort of heads one on either end of this thing kind of like blow

past Iva if she had botched I would have made one of these things slam into her for sure but they fly past her and hit the wall behind her that's sort of the other side of this cavern and fall to the ground they're laying in a bed of broken glass now

and there's a big huge pile of broken glass it's just shards everywhere it looks like it used to be the body of this thing and you know it it obviously sort of like became glass it was stonish looking before it didn't look like it was made of glass and had like you know uh transparency to it before so this is some sort of explosion that was meant to either happen or is a part of this creature's uh existence and it looks like there was some stuff like in the piles of glass it wasn't all glass they had these giant masks and a couple of other chunks of detritus sitting under it um what you want to do do dan are you trying to say like the masks

are still masks in this pile now sitting in the pile there are a couple of like large larger like by about this much about twice the size of one of your heads stone masks

that look like they weigh about 50 pounds each they're both face down stone masks that look like they weigh about 50 pounds each. They're both face down. Let's check them out. Be careful. They're not going to join onto our heads and faces, are they, Dan, and turn us into some sort of

weird Jamie Kennedy monster? It depends what you mean by checking them out. What exactly are you doing to as they say, investigate? First of all, Iva's just standing in this pile of broken glass.

Iva, are you okay? You seem to be so much bleeding. I'm fine. It's just disappointing to, you know, get such a good, solid hit to have such a good, solid plan and then for everything to crumble around you like shards of daylight

falling from the sky. My head hurts. I'm going to sit down. Oh no. That was a bit of a poem. I read a lot are you just you're disappointed because you killed it no because i think we just set off an alarm and uh sarah's disappointed because she wasted a natural 20 and uh on exploding a glass creature i mean you do think this thing had other things it could have done yeah right and you did cut it off and it did make a very i should i shouldn't say this too i kind of left it out there's a there's like a loud whistling noise when this thing exploded uh um i guess i'm gonna

investigate the mask cool there's two of them okay the first one was with jim carrey it was kind of it was pretty good actually uh roll that investigation check well that's great another 20 you rolled a seven i rolled a two and I have a plus five so well you can't tell what this thing might do but it's shaped like a shield so it comes to a point at the bottom it rounds and then it's like flat

at the top you look down at the other one and it's an oval so one of these things is sort of shaped like flat at the top and then round into a point on the bottom. And the other one is, is a big oval. They're both made of heavy gray granite,

like stone. That looks like it's been carved. They have two eye holes, uh, both of these masks. And when you look through them, you don't notice anything right away. It occurs to you.

These things might be magic. Uh, you can't tell the basic investigation check but it is heavy like you're you're kind of like oh this will be interesting if we try to get this out of the leviathan spiral rappelling down with these 50 pound masks but dan if i handle them for a second can i sort of talk to magic and sort of see if like there's anything just magical about them you mean like with an arcana check as opposed to a identifier spell yeah because the sort of talk to magic and sort of see if like there's anything just magical about them. You mean like with an arcana check as opposed to

a identifier spell? Yeah, because the identify takes me 10 minutes. Why don't you roll that? Didn't we just set off an alarm? I don't know, but I like everybody going into a falsetto. What are you guys talking about?

Let me start with the Arcana check. Okay. Ooh, 11. Not so great. Yeah, I mean, you get the vibe that this thing might be magical, but you don't have a bearing either way. Well, if people aren't worried about something coming, I could identify this.

Ivy, you don't think there's something that heard that? I mean, I can go scout farther down the hall if you want, while you're doing that, or however you want to work it. It is a vertical shaft, yes. How about I will detect evil on these, or whether they're good or evil. Oh, there you go. You get a very evil sense from these things. I will detect evil on these or whether they're good or evil. Oh, there you go. Uh,

you get a very evil sense from these things. Oh, you guys are evil. Okay. You think these things were used for malicious intent to there? This was some sort of, uh, creature device,

monstrosity type thing that was placed here by, uh, things that mean harm. Why don't we throw these masks over the edge of the shaft and let them crash into little pieces at the bottom and dispel their magic? But Jelf, what

if the people who sent that horrible thing are down there? We don't want to alert them. Yeah, I mean, this is all that there is in front of you. There's a vertical shaft downwards. Iva, did you want to peer down it or repel down it i mean i will if if you want me to like sort of try to stealthily scout down there i can't oh agatha could fly down there can you make her invisible first let me sneeze real quick. Yes. Iva, if you wish, I could cast invisibility upon Agatha.

And that way she could hopefully surveil undetected. Yeah, let's try that. Great. So you managed to make Agatha invisible. Please remind me, Sarah, how Agatha conveys information to you. Just in basic thoughts. So just very generalized. She's not my pet in terms of like, I can't make her do anything.

And she's not any particularly smarter. But what she can do is like, go fly ahead. If I'm just like, would you mind? No one can see you. You're safe. But can you go check down there and see what there is and just come back and let us know. If she says no, you know, she can say no check down there and see what there is and just come back and let us know if she says no she you know she can't say no I can't compel her but

okay she likes me yeah she heads down the vertical shaft comes back up and he is a bad vertical mother hey clean shut your mouth

no I'm just talking about vertical shaft. Felt weird that no one was doing the bit, so I'm glad you did it. I mean, there are so many shafts in this game. I actually never realized... Sarah, shut your mouth. Dungeons and Dragons. Sarah, shut your mouth. She's just talking about shafts.

She's just talking about so many shafts in the game. Dungeons and Dragons and shafts. Sarah, shut your mouth! I'm sorry, I keep doing it, but if you keep bringing shafts into it... Sarah! She's just talking about shafts! Agatha communicates to you, Iva, that there are

three mummified bodies stuck to the vertical shaft. If she goes far enough down, she thinks she hears noises and she got a little bit nervous. And so she just kind of like landed and peered over and, you know, she, she saw something moving in the shadows deep at the bottom of this

Jesus Christ, vertical chamber. Okay. So mummified bodies where they like wrapped up in like webs or something, of this vertical chamber. Okay, so mummified bodies, were they like wrapped up in like webs or something? Like how are they stuck to the side? Yeah, they look like they're in some sort of thick, sticky substance stuck to. Alright, so we got a spider

situation happening. Yeah. I give her a little, some seeds and say thank you and put her back in my pocket. And they look like she, yeah, she says one of them is very close to the top. The other two are deep down. Can we fire some flaming arrows down into these webs and let them on fire?

Or drop a mask on it or something. I mean, she didn't say she saw any webs. She just saw that they were sort of bundled up and stuck to the walls, if that makes sense. Could that in any way be a product of this stone gargoyle thing? Do we think that's what webbed them? Everybody do an

insight check! Oh, 20! Plus plus 5, my proficiency, 25. Jeez Louise! Yeah, it's an 11. Yeah, who's gonna, who else is going to not

beat Joff's roll there? I got a 7. 9 for me. Sorry, very excited. Dumb Club. Brian, what'd you get? This many. Oh, boy.

No, it's a turkey. I got a turkey. Happy Thanksgiving. Turkey. no it's a turkey I got a turkey oh happy Thanksgiving turkey guys if you told me it was Thanksgiving next week I'd fucking believe you I'd be like yep okay oh my god once we hit the March 15th mark I will no longer

be able to tell time my ability will be gone you can tell me it's any time of day month year week I will just believe you it's yeah frightening so jelf you get the sense that these things probably were uh put in this state by the thing that iva just exploded and that's probably something else at the bottom of the chamber based off the way they're stuck to the chamber and this thing was crawling like actively uh yeah this has was crawling like actively. Yeah, this

has this smells like a lair. That's great. I avoided us getting, you know, stuck to the sides. You seem to think you've made a mistake. I think you are wonderful. I'll throw into like I would say with that check

of the so high Joe, if you think that whatever's at the bottom of this chamber is not like a large predatory monster so much as probably like a humanoid who set up that kind of trap creature as both an alarm and a deterrent.

You know, suddenly now the idea of dropping masks on somebody's head doesn't seem so bad, does it? I feel like we should drop the masks, and then we should drop some oil with them, and then we should drop some torches. That is the most nerd poker statement I've ever heard. Yes. Are you saying you want to burn the shit out of something?

Yeah. Yeah, I feel like we should do. What if it's one of the monks or something, and what if we want to talk to them? What if? If the monks set monks or something, and what if we want to talk to them? What if? If the monks set this up? How about this? Let's yell down, see if we get an answer, and then kill whoever it is.

Who goes there? Oh, Tootie. Like that kind of thing? So sweet. Did you just do it, Danny? Danny doesn't talk like that. No, but I love when i can trap you brian into like speaking first person as your character hello down there just in case

tootie did it i'm doing it oh jesus i will move i will try and shove one of the masks away from the edge i don't know if we should drop them both so that's what oh you're you're trying to communicate like maybe don't do this yet i. Just don't drop both of them. I'm trying to. Yeah, he just yelled down. Yeah, that's fine. While he's yelling down, I'm pulling one of the masks back from the edge.

Let's get a straight charisma check from 2D, please. All right. See, I can increase my charisma if I have to. It's called Axe Body Spray. Where'd you get my bud? Are you doing this in the D&D Beyond? Or do you kick it physical? All right, I'm not going to worry about that.

Okay. So charisma, yes? Yeah, boss. Sorry. All right. um all right i'm not gonna worry about that okay um so charisma yes yeah boss come on baby well did everybody see that four oh big four silence Big four. Silence. Metallica, Megadeth, Slayer, Anthrax. Does a hey there have to be that charismatic? Well, to get a result, yeah. Yeah. You know? I should have used my charisma spell.

Okay, I shove one of the masks down and say, we said hello. Which one? You want to do the one shaped like an oval or the one with the point on the bottom? The oval. Okay. Roll a 100-sided dice.

Oh, I touched it. Oh, dear. Sorry. It's not for touching it. It's to see what the results of it tumbling down the shaft are. Don't worry. You didn't get a magical curse table. There's not for touching it it's to see what the results of it tumbling down the shaft are don't worry you didn't get like a magical curse table there's not like a wild magic

like and now your skin is breathing oh wow interesting three oh so it goes plonk off of the far wall long wait plonk off of another wall and then you hear a

like weird organic squish noise oh no but i yelled we said hello do i do a christmas check i'll straight up tell you no answer i'm going to i'm gonna uh i'm gonna throw a uh an oil flask down wait no, no, it's already dead. Just in case the mask didn't completely kill it. Jill! What the hell? This group.

Alright, so you throw an oil flask down. There's an oily corpse. I gotta go down now. I did not mean to... I was trying to startle. I was nervous right startle. Alright, I'm going down. I was nervous whoever it was right before they died. I'm going down.

I'm rappelling down. Hey, do a survival check, please. Hey, guys. I don't think... I'm sorry about that. I think maybe we should just let Aida have a moment. 20. Oh, nice. Nice.

I love the game log in D&D Beyond by the way you guys rolling with the sheets it looks cool to be able to like visually see your rolls like I used to it's very comforting like oh we're playing Dungeons and Dragons together kind of silly thing but you

rappel down it takes a while because you are going a full vertical shaft but the walls are much easier to climb down than the outer one was so i'm only going to make you do the one roll on the way down uh you see three bodies stuck to the side semi-mummified and you can tell just a passive perception that these are are all members of the filament of dongle. Oh, the one at the top is very well preserved and you can still see his entire

face, but it looks like all the moisture has been sucked out of them. And he's just got his arms and legs, like kind of like with these, this like weird sticky flypaper, like film, like holding his arms and legs to the wall but you can see like he's got all his equipment on him and he's like he

looks like he came here to fight and it's rather tragic seeing him with all of his cool shit just kind of like like up on the wall yeah as you feel this cool shit repel farther down the other two bodies are in much uh sadder state. They're skeletal, and they've been stripped of all equipment, but you still see the familiar filament of dongle robes of the monks hanging from the skeletons.

You're like, okay, well, here's the two more. You also see a stone mask lodged in what appears to be a uh turtle like being uh it's smashed into its back and uh it is uh unconscious and bleeding um it looks very old it looks uh strong uh and it looks capable of putting up quite a nasty fight but it is out for the count for right now and it's major damage has been done to its shell because this thing fell about uh 30 stories um gathering a whole lot of momentum before hitting him.

And boy, oh boy, did I do some Sark physics tables for falling down a vertical shaft for this. So, yeah, you see it. And its shell is just like this jet midnight black with sort of like yellow marks along the edges of it. It looks like it has a mean bite. It's got a belt with pouches on it and a sort of long shaman spear.

Looks mean, strong. A spear? Possibly dead. I'm gonna stabilize it. It's doing some death saving throws. I mean, you can't really stabilize. I mean, you can take the mask out of its back,

but it's going to leave a gaping wound. But you can't take the back out of the mask. Am I right? What was the last half of that sentence, Sarah? I just, I thought, I didn't know. Yeah, I thought, okay, wait, sorry. You didn't, oh i thought okay wait sorry you didn't oh i just was looking something up so i'm just trying to figure out um okay because i can't so you're basically saying i can't like roll a medicine check and try to oh you can i'll allow a medicine

check yeah but you can't just automatically like bind his wounds easily okay um feelings unavailable can we oh yeah Oh, yeah, it says I can use my action to administer first aid and attempt... So, DC medicine check. Okay, I see. Yes. Okay. I see a medicine check DC... Oh, boy. We'll call it a 16.

Oh, really? Okay. I thought it was just... No, I mean, you, like... This is the equivalent of breaking somebody's spine. Okay. 17 thought it was just... I mean, you like... This is the equivalent of breaking somebody's spine. Okay. 17. You did like a reverse of Marthamon on this turtle. You got a 17?

Yeah. Yeah. Oh, and I can verify it. So, yeah, like you... You sort of like take some packing tape and like spread it over his shell and kind of put some of the broken pieces in there and kind of patch it over. Use some gorilla glue to like mosaic style,

get it in there and you stop the bleeding. Could use a hand down here, guys. He's unconscious though, for sure. Should we drop the other shield? No, get down here.

I heard drop the other shield. No, that was, that was Nathan right next to you. Get survival checks from everybody, please. Good boy. That's a natural 20 from Blaine. He's showing to the camera. I love this. By the way, this was a gift from a camera. I love this. By the way,

this was, this was a gift from a viewer. I can't remember who the viewer was. This is this, this Opal dice, this Opal 20 sided. I love it so much. I love that we have an viewer.

Yeah. Yeah. When you say viewer, you mean like he's got like a nanny cam in your house and he watches you shower. Yes, I was. Yes.

Sorry. I was just spending my uh my last couple hours watching Ernie Kovacs is that the one that came in the little boxes I think I think so yes that was Preston if I'm not mistaken give me them 13 I rolled a 1

why'd you do that you know man I love to live on the fucking edge Brian Blaine what'd you get 11 Blaine what'd you get I got a 20 that's right thank you I knew that but I was so distracted by Nathan's

botch that i need people to restate themselves hey oh and i also have a i have a plus five survival by the way so it's 25 so you brutally won that role while nathan plummeted to his death i have a plus two but that a botch is a botch uh let's get a dexterity saving throw from you sir I think it's hailing is it really? oh my goodness or just really crazy rain maybe you're

throwing popcorn on the roof 14 alright on the way down you reach out to grab on to one of your teammates hey Tootie do a dexter you reach out to grab onto one of your teammates. Hey, Tootie. Yes.

Do a dexterity saving throw to grab Nathan as his paw collides with your forearm. I'm going to do it. I'm going to do it. Hang on. Tootie. Hey, is there anything I can do rolling a 20 on my survival? Any sort of crazy rope I could throw? No.

Hail Mary. Look at him. Oh, no, he's going to... It's so upsetting. I think I got an 18. Oh, there's the... He's doing like an Alan Rickman in Die Hard right now. We dropped him on one instead of three.

18. 18. Reach out. Yeah, you guys, poof. Grab two of these for... Oh, my God. The camera action is beautiful. Chris, you guys grab two of these. Oh my God, the camera action is beautiful. It's amazing.

Don't let go of the Rolex. Rolex. I will say once you've caught him with Blaine's 20, you can get all three of you guys situated and climb down without any further human shame despite the temptation to make Nathan re-roll

you know listeners love when I make you just roll to traverse an empty space but you guys pass those bodies that are mummified and stuck to the wall you get to the bottom and yeah this tortle he is straight fucked I'll give him a little healing and stuck to the wall. You get to the bottom. And yeah, this tortle, he is straight fucked. I'll give him a little healing.

Should we tie him up, though? Is there anything down here? I feel like we should kill it while we have the chance. Is he a good guy or a bad guy? It's probably bad. We don't for sure know. Let me divine sense and see if it's good or evil.

Does it look like any of the other monks that we saw climbing Dendis in terms of the garment? No, this guy- So can I sense if it's good or evil? You get a very evil vibe from this guy. Okay. Kill him. But don't you want to talk to him before we kill him? Nope.

No. No. And then- No. All that backstory. What do we want to find out from him? I don't you want to talk to him before we kill him? Nope. No, no. And then... No. All that backstory. What do we want to find out from him? I don't know. It's funny.

You got him at zero hit points. He's currently unconscious. What is... Okay, go for it. Whoever... Let me look through and see if there's anything I can do. I'm the scout around the room, I guess. I need to be there for this execution.

Wake him up and ask him. You crushed his spine with the casual fuck you of your toe. I said hello. He didn't answer us. And so therefore he deserved to be smashed in half. Exactly. No, it was meant to startle. to be smashed in half. Exactly.

No, it was meant to startle. The only thing I could possibly do is try and use my unwavering cuteness. What about message? Can you message an unconscious person? No, unfortunately. They need to have access to their facilities.

Have you tried lighting a stick on fire and plunging it into his eye? I... I'm sure you guys can understand there's a variety of ways that you could bind him, secure him, tie him up.

Yeah, I mean, that's what... But I guess it's gonna be harder for you to kill him outright, I think, once, but that's... He might cast a spell. I'm not gonna... That's fine. If people want to kill him, I'll think, once. But that's... He might cast a spell. I'm not going to... That's fine. If people want to kill him, I'll just look around his lair and you guys do what you're going to do. Danny, what do you think? You think we should tie him up and question him?

I don't know what we can get from him, but Danny's open to whatever the rest of the group feels. We know he's very evil. He's very evil, so... I was very curious. Maybe. What if this? What if we search the area while he's still out and see what we can see maybe he'll die on his own okay uh i stabilized him so he's just like indefinitely unconscious now i guess the it looks like the tunnel goes for a while but he's sort of carved a little den into

the side of the wall you can tell that he's used some sort of tools to carve like a doorway of sorts into one of these walls and you can tell the walls are made of like dirt and film and the mushrooms are growing out of it this spiral you're inside is so

ancient you don't know how many years it took for all these mushrooms to grow like they have. But inside this pile of dirt, he's got this den. Inside there's some grizzly stuff. There's a lot of bones. There are a couple of flaying crosses. So there are a couple of these big wooden X's that have desiccated bodies nailed to them. And it looks like they were flayed alive and prepared for as food.

There's also a small bookshelf full of books. And it looks like some sort of demonic summoning stuff like chalk ashes and various spell components that none of you know how to use, summoning stuff like chalk ashes and various spell components that none of you know how to use but look gross and he definitely looks like he is capable of summoning things

let's kill it what do you think he's protecting though seems like he definitely has like a summer home here if not a permanent home it seems unlikely that the monks

if he's still here that monks made it past him right yeah they didn't right so that's I think those are the bodies yeah so perhaps we should take a look at those books bodies yeah so perhaps we should take a look at those books yeah or head down the hallway or tie him up or whatever

if you're gonna kill him kill him I mean you really want to do it most of the books are in like a reptilian language there's one in in the common tongue it says poisoning one's enemies in the common tongue. It says poisoning one's enemies in bowels for fun and profit. It's some sort of like chemistry for poisoning book.

Lots of poison going on. He's a torturer and a monster. Maybe he's writing a screenplay and this is research. Let's kill it in front of Ivar. It's fine. I've already said please kill him. Just do it. Killing the shit out of this thing down. You all notice it's starting to like

gain consciousness. Roll to attack, Blaine. 17. And I'm just using a short sword just trying to stab it in the eye or the head that's a hit roll for damage it like puts an arm up as you bring your sword down

mules 5 plus 4 9 9 how would you like to finish this guy off uh how about uh how about just with a with a big uh i have a sorry you had to see this yeah you just have a short really just more curious about everything so it hisses and like

it just has this terrifying like demonic look in its eye it looks like it's it's like so evil that it doesn't have a lot of like fun conversation topics it would have broken out to so um you know you uh

you you feel like there may have been some uh some things harvested off of those two mummified corpses, but at the same time, it looks like he might have eaten some, sold some, ground it up. All right. So now we're going to go down this hallway? Yes. We're going to look around in here, see where we can... But so-and-so implies that that guy could get out of here. Which means it's...

Probably about the tunnel. I mean... Or he had a way to deal with those four-armed monkeys that are waiting for us. Yeah, I don't think he was stuck here. I feel like he just lived here, right? Yeah. Yeah. But I don't imagine he climbed out. I bet the rent was cheap. You guys

start heading down the tunnel and you don't go far before you hear around a bend. There's some sort of weird muffle noise and a sound of a large thing shuffling around. Great. Jesus, this place. Oh, yeah. Can I have a

drama mask on it? Yeah. Okay. Well, can we sneak ahead? Danny, you want to sneak ahead and maybe peek? Sneak and peek? Yes, I will do that. Okay. That was Danny speaking. Give me a stealth and a perception day

they really do need like a peak thing you can just do that combines these two things sneak and peek we could call it a sneak or a peak so people do like an investigation check for this and just like roll them together right a 21 stealth but then a a 10

perception okay so you definitely don't get hurt when you do this but you peek around the corner it's very dark it's like pitch black and you know you being a half elf you of course get the night vision but at the same know, you being a half elf, you of course get the night vision. But at the same time, you see a thing that is massive.

There's this big open chamber around the corner and you see something the size of an elephant. And it's got this worm-like, almost leech or lamprey-like mouth that's like a circle of teeth and it's kind of like like looking back and forth and has all these spines for arms that are kind of dragging its body uh around but it's it's a it's like balloon shaped it's this big fleshy pink balloon thing

with this eyeless toothy maw and these claws kind of dragging itself around the floor and you see dead bodies it doesn't look big enough to make it around the corner and it doesn't notice you does it look like it can fit in the

hallway? No it's a big open chamber and it takes up almost the entire chamber. It's just huge. Do we think this was another Shadowfell summoned creepy, or this is just some horrible monster from this island that got stuck? Maybe like a parasite that lives inside the creature that this we're inside right now. The duck penis.

Yeah. Is it, didn't we just establish that this is like some part of some ancient creature from another dimension? Yeah. Uh, do you guys want to do an insight check to see if you can guess what this thing is?

Sure. Hmm. That's neat. I'm sorry I got a 17 plus 5 Dan holy shit I'm sorry I have a proficiency for insight and a proficiency in arcana and survival and perception

damn you're head for business and a bod for sin survival and perception. Damn. Head for business. And a bod for sin. Always be thinking. That's what I learned. I got a 16, Dan.

Well, you can't beat Blaine's big old jumbo roll. I'm not trying. 23. You've seen a lot of weird monsters back in your homeland of amina jelf and this thing just uh seems like it's from another plane you wouldn't be surprised if it was indeed some sort of parasite that like maybe started off small but over the eons grew to be so big it couldn't escape oh what are those fucking things called that are on our bodies right now but they're

like mites? tardigrades? skin tags? that's what I was thinking of those are like a classic damn hair? a tardigrade? so these are like giant sized tardigrades one giant tardigrade is there any

other exits in the room? Is this a situation where if we bolt across, there's something else? That low perception roll from Danny, he couldn't make anything. Dan, we're not tiny now, are we? You don't see a giant Rick Moranis peering around the corner, checking in to see if you guys are okay. How big is it, Dan? I think it's just...

No, it's more like inner space. Oh, I'm sorry. Yeah, no giant Martin Short yelling for you to get out of his eyeball. Oh, God. Can we just slowly kill it from the safety of the hallway? Maybe.

We could, or we could just see. I'm just wondering whether if it's very slow and very, if there's another, we don't even know if there's another doorway or anything in that room. If there is, can we just, like... There might be no payoff for killing the giant tardigrades. Should we all get close and check out this room?

Yeah, I guess so. Are you saying sneak past it and see what's what? Yeah, like if we might not need to, yeah. Oh, yeah. Deal with it at all, yeah. Danny, do you feel comfortable exploring? I'll stealth up and check to see if I, what I can

see, investigate the room. Who is going to, wait, so Iva, before anyone goes in the room, you're going to try to do your own peek? Yeah. Alright, I'll take a a I'll let you choose you can either do both of those roles I made Danny do or you can do an investigation check

I'll do investigation okay oh we'll smush them together okay I'm uh you're what not happy with the numbers that came out of that thing yeah I'm gonna use a luck point okay Not happy with the numbers that came out of that thing? Yeah, I mean, he's a luck point.

Okay. God damn. That's very upsetting. I didn't see the numbers. What did I do? Well, it's just a pointless waste of everyone's time. We should just all go home. It's an 11. I am home.

Oh. Wait, where are all of us yeah i mean you peer around as far as you can tell it's a dead end you can't be sure but also you don't see like there's any it doesn't look like there's anything but maybe bodies that are uh discarded in here all right does anyone else need to look honestly to see if there's any reason because i don't want to like now we've come this far we crushed a turtle we heard a tortoise we you know

see if there's another thing for us to explore I'll give it I'll give this a peek what are any decks and stealth investigation or you if you want you can combine a stealth and a perception I'll go with investigation and I got a 15 I believe

I don't know why the number doesn't come up in the right place okay here we go you know this thing is too big for you to be able to see all of the other wall and it moves so little you only get to see like kind of I don't know 30% of the surrounding walls even with a good look

you feel like you'd have to go in there and like scoot your back all the way around the chamber to see if there was something on the other side of this guy how big is this thing Dan it's about the size of an elephant and the chamber is not much bigger so like 10

feet yeah 10 feet by 10 so like a large creature yeah okay i can make it smaller but it seems like we only want to do that when we're about to murder it yeah and by the way while you guys are whispering back you're going to want to probably head all the way back around the corner right but you just hear this muffled like I'm sorry I missed I missed what the if there

was a discovery of anything about the room no no no I mean even with the 15 there's just you have to go in there and scoot around the wall to see if there's anything I can make it smaller i can make it smaller but it seems like once we do that the fight is on um does it change its like hit points or statistics or whatever uh matt the the game mechanics are i can reduce it

one size so if it's large i can turn it into a size i can make it medium uh and the disorientation makes gives it disadvantage dan the spell i'm talking about is called enlarge reduce and so this would obviously be reduced um if i did it the target would have disadvantage on strength checks and strength saving throws i'm assuming because it's thrown off by its size uh the target's weapons also shrink to match its new size while these weapons are reduced the targets attacks with them deal 1d4 less damage wow what if we um what if i use an illusion to distract it it seems like it's kind of slow moving and like whatever so we use an illusion to distract it it seems like it's kind of slow moving and like whatever so we use an illusion to distract it and then we just try to sneak behind it like a great and then and then

if it turns wheels on us or whatever then you could cast it and we can begin the battle but like unless people don't want to do this but we've already come down this weird, like we accidentally easily killed the first guy out there. So, which is delightful. So does that sound, how do people, yeah. Yeah.

Brian sound good. Yeah. Yeah. Okay. All right. So I will, what does it look like? He was really enjoying eating.

There's a fresh ish corpse on the left side of the wall that he was kind of like scraping little chunks of meat off of into his maw. Okay, I guess I'm going to have to... I kind of feel like I might need to do a sound because I can't make anything move. So, you know, it feels like if something just appears there I'm not sure that okay do you know what I'm saying? I can help out with

that gust again if you want oh the gust of wind? yeah I can as a cantrip I can do gusts as long as it's within 30 feet I can create a gust of wind um okay well maybe so maybe I'll, I'll do on the far side so that we want him turned away from us.

I'll do the illusion of a body corpse. And then you do gust of wind that would make him turn that way. Yeah. To Russell leaves. Make, make no, is there, is there stuff in this room,

Dan? I guess I kind of don't know what. Yeah. I mean, there's like, there's chunks of clothing and armor and bone. But we just want him to look, is's chunks of clothing and armor and bone. But we just want him to look... Is the gust of wind enough that you could...

Because we don't want him to make a sweep of the room because we want him to zero in on the corpse and then we got to hustle behind him, right? Can you make the corpse seem as though it's sort of sliding down? As though it's... I can't move it at all. Okay, so do your thing and then I'll just make the gust right at the corpse.

Alright, let's get a performance check from Nathan please. And then he's got a, he does a check against the illusion, correct Sarah? Sorry? What's the spell? He does some sort of

check against it. unless he in the again unless i'm misreading this with minor illusion it's just they can only he would have to do an active investigation check well but he's going to i guess because he's if this were okay first i'm gonna have have Nathan do this and if it's a high enough performance it's gonna work and then he's gonna go investigate this thing got it so just keep that in mind 11 for performance

okay so and he like swivels his body and starts heading over there I assume as soon as this happens you're stealthing in there right yeah I thought we all were. Is everybody? Sure. Let's go.

Let's get stealth checks from everybody, please. Oh, boy. 12 and 4, 16. 15 and 5, 20. Wow. What all you got? What all you got 15 6 plus 1 7 i also got a 7 well guess what folks he botches his investigation check so he tries to house this thing he's just like puckering his weird little mouth just trying to like get it in there and he's like just rubbing his face against the wall you guys um you know despite a couple of

you stepping on some ribs and making loud snapping noises as you inch along this wall get around it and there's a chamber there's a very small chamber carved into the wall not unlike the one that your deceased tortle friend was living in. And there's a small table. There's tinkerer's tools. And there's a small weapon laying next to the tinker tools. What sort of a weapon? Looks like a dagger with some sort of mechanical device attached to it. The dagger also looks like it's got some

sort of strange indentation on the tip. Huh. Like the pointy tip? Yes. Like a sort of a key or a lever for something? It looks like a sort of like triggered mechanism. Hmm.

Is it like a dagger that you stab and then it stabs when it's inside like an alien tongue with a mouth on it maybe but right now you guys are stealthing to the chamber standing around the chamber you feel like you got about 30 seconds left so there's no other exit

before he figures it out even with his botch no this is like okay I'm searching the walls I'm searching for traps or an exit like a hidden door I'm searching the walls. I'm searching for traps or an exit. Do an investigation check. I will investigate the dagger. Okay. That is a one. I'm going to use my last...

Can you roll while she re-rolls, please? Investigation? Yes, please. 24. Okay, this is Nathan we'll do you first and then Sarah I want to hear what you got this is some sort of dagger like spring load device

that you attach around your wrist under a sleeve and when you move your hand down like this it can depress a button that will cause the dagger to shoot out uh giving the wearer of this thing um a surprise attack option and the chamber in it it's unclear if there's something else you can't neither you nor Iva can find any other components but it looks like there is

like a little release chamber that when this thing is ejected out of a sleeve it can deposit something inside the person that is being stabbed like a poison or a tracking device possibly correct on both counts wow that is being stabbed. Oh, like a poison or tracking device, possibly. Correct on both counts.

Wow. Oh, well. It's the same thing in and out, users. We should check that tortle's filthy pockets. I've been digging around the rest of the room. You find a large bag of dried meat that you think this guy would use as scraps to feed the giant tardigrade

it's sort of like a big feed bag sort of thing it weighs about 20 pounds the table itself just seems to have these tinkerers tools but they're very nice set of very fine brass

and gold tinkerers tools that you know, gnomes use. Um, and you do think that they would sell for at least 10 gold. Hmm. Collect it up. Um,

I'll grab them. Yeah, I'll grab them. But so did I, I got a 14 on my second roll to see if there's any, any other, like any passageways... There's no passageways now. I think we can use the meat to distract it, hopefully. Yeah, but what is going on here?

Like, who's the... I don't know. Hmm. The turtle kept... Do we think the turtle was using these tinkerer's tools? This is his lair. Why would he... But why would he come in...

You get the impression this is his pet, his tools that This is his lair. Why would he, but why would he come in? I get the impression this is his pet, his tools that he built. Maybe he used the tools to make the dagger. I think he built the dagger, yeah. Okay, alright, fair enough. Alright, well, great. And this turtle for basically nothing stays down here, can't get out.

What a boring adventure. When we get back outside, we can just walk around and go, hey, have you heard about some really crazy turtle who murders everybody? And they go, oh, yes, Jerry. And we'll go, oh, I think we fucking killed Jerry. Do you want some? We can be like, do you need him killed?

You're for hire. Give us 50 gold. I'm going to need everyone to do a stealth check to get out of here here because you all can tell your time is up this thing has shoved its face all the way through the illusion and is getting bored we have meat to throw at it what are we stealthing yeah 20

15 18 10 are you throwing meat at it I'm gonna throw meat at it if I need to yeah yeah I mean you feel like with that 10 you're gonna need it yeah I'm throwing meat at it i'm gonna throw me there yeah if i need to yeah yeah i mean you feel like with that 10 you're gonna need it yeah i'm throwing meat all right yeah you so you guys again step on some dry bones and make a couple crunch noises and it goes like

like starts turning towards you you throw meat on the ground and it just buries its face like it knows what to do and you make it back to the tunnel and you are now near the lair of the strange turtle shaman and its corpse and that will do it for today's episode of nerds pokers yay for us cool hey sam

what happened during 24 we started this episode Iva is still hurt we found some masks and Ken fucked up Dan's audio volume. We found a possible layer down a vertical shaft in a beaten up turtle man. I know this isn't how the game works, but God, do I hope that it's

nug nug. It's all fucked up in here. It's bones and shit. And there's a big puffy elephant sized parasite thing. We found some tinkering tools and I'm not quite sure what's going on here. Grandpa's metal stash every tuesday uh top secret videos uh every thursday watch it so we get a pickup we're trying to get uh to do more of those on uh true tv uh tweet true tv and tell them how funny you think Ron Funches and I are

it all helps yeah I think you can check that out on Hulu right like that's part of the Hulu package yeah yeah you can watch it again great anything you want to plug Dan? oh yeah check out my Twitch show Fridays 7 o'clock at

twitch.tv slash tellfordan cool oh what's going on with the KitchenAid are you still mad at him? 7 o'clock at twitch.tv slash telferdan cool oh what's going on with the kitchen are you still mad at him or you guys patched everything out nah nah we worked it out we're gonna be you can come check us out this weekend we're gonna be at Hershey Park dressed like fucking

crocklebars whoa that's what you were mad about last time that's amazing alright thanks for listening Thanks for listening. Thanks for listening to another episode of Nerd Poker. You can follow us at patreon.com slash nerdpoker, and you get bonus episodes from there. And you can also send us anything at P.O. Box 16069 in Sino, California, 91416.

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