Nerd Poker - S4E27 Octopus Royalty

Episode Date: March 16, 2021

With a new possibly wealthy patron in tow (who might just be a demon creature) the Castaway Cuties must decide how to follow up their exploits over at the giant trans-dimensional duck junk thing. Their destiny awaits, and also, probably a big scary battle!

Hey everybody, I'm Brian Poussin, Comedian, writer, actor, nerd. I've been playing D&D with my friends for a long time. I decided to do a new podcast where we play Dungeons & Dragons in my very own dining room. With my wife, kid, and my noisy dogs. So meet my friends... Sarah Kev Dan

Lee Chris Now it's time for another episode of Brian Poussaint's Nerd Poker. Season 4. Hey everybody, I'm Brian Poussaint and you're listening to Brian Poussaint's Nerd Poker episode 27. My friends are here. Look at their faces.

You can't see them, but I sure can. That looks delicious. What is that? Dan? What is this? Oh, this is a... First of all, hi, Brian. How are you?

This is going to be our background. Hi, how are you? Oh, I'm well, and I'm drinking... Is that a LaCroix or something? It sure is. It's a LaCroix Cerise Limon. It's a LaCroix Curate. Nice. Looks sure is. It's a La Croix Cerise Limon. It's a La Croix Curate. Nice. Looks very

fancy. You know why? Because life is so chillingly dull when you're stuck home all the time that this haunted water is my only release. Haunted water. It is haunted by the ghosts of fruit. Cherry and lime fruit to be specific. Ken's

in when you said haunted uh hello ken hi i just chimed for some reason yeah right with your eyebrow that was perfect i can only do it again uh we've got uh uh pat and i used to play a game in the in the early 90s called blaine in the Middle and there he is, everybody. Blaine in the Middle. Hi, Brian. Good to be back in the middle with you again. I just founded a

LaCroix Clamato. That means I was the opener. Yeah, yeah. Nice. You've written how many jokes about Clamato? All of them. Chris is here. Hello, Chris. Hey, Brian. Great to see you. I love all the nerd stuff in your background for

our friends who can say such a thing. There's, yeah, there's a bunch of shit back there. It's great. I see Grogu. Yeah. Remember when people called him Baby Yoda? I used to know that shit out of me. Yeah. And when people called him Baby Yoda? Those people do. Yeah. And hello, Sarah.

Hello, Brian. Are you in a bar? In a really nice bar? I mean, it's a tavern. It's a fantasy tavern. It's a Marie Callender's. I know. I went for Medieval Tavern, but it does have a bit of a Callender's vibe, doesn't it? I gotta put you, if i can see a bigger it looks like a really good restaurant and we're the first people there on a saturday

and then there's nobody there and then by the time we leave it's crazy packed talk again sarah so i can see oh hello hi hi there it is oh there yeah now we got oh okay now it's really cool it's ever we can always, we can always count on you for having like an actual tone setting fantasy background. That's like very like relaxing and like, oh, like we're actually playing Dungeons and Dragons. And, uh, there he is. Engineer in the upper right. Uh, Sam, hello, buddy.

Hello, sweet children. Nice. Uh, and, uh. Hello, sweet children. Nice. And where's my favorite noodle dog? Hey. He's amazing. He's amazing. Holy shit. Look at that.

Jim Henson could not do better. It's really what was that marvel story time show that jim hansen had in the 80s where he's like a fireplace and a puppet dog what was that the storyteller i think was it the storyteller john hurt yeah god i don't remember that by the end with a fireplace i i need to go back and watch it because there was one episode of that that gave me nightmares for months. And I need to figure out what happened. I need to go back and witness the nightmare to have a full therapy experience. Now I'm really in.

I got to hunt this down. It was good. I remember it being a weird young adult thing that was a little too creepy for a kid my age. But I was like addicted to it but i was too young to remember a lot of it trilogy trilogy a tear was my was my tv thing that fucked with i think that's a lot of kids in the 70s trilogy a tear like it should not have been on and i remember i saw doctor who a lot as a kid and that freaked me the hell out like there were a few episodes of doctor Who that were way too creepy.

I saw, did you guys ever see, is it the Ralph Bakshi Fire and Ice movie? Yeah. My parents watched that, and I was like, what the shit? It was really upsetting. Watership Down is a little rough if you're not the right age.

Yeah. I saw that when I was five. Secret in them. I saw that when I was like five it was like saw that when i was like yeah yeah sarah sends me this every month and asked me to watch them and i'm like i don't think i'm ready and she says fuck you uh we have uh great patreon sponsors that uh enable us to have really fun shows. Our regular continuity shows are so fun, but then I love the bonus shit that we've done lately. We just had Ron Funches for the month of February. Not sure who we're going to have for March, but it's been great lately.

We've had a bunch of great people in a row. So jump on board. but it's been great lately. We've had a bunch of great people in a row. So, uh, jump on board, but, and here's some people that actually support us. Yeah, do it. Uh,

no, this isn't, I was going to make a joke about it. We're going to go over our friends, best to worst who might be on our show next month, but now instead let's do, uh, a list of people who we really do heartfelt appreciate in no particular order.

These are of course, Patreon supporters at our stargoyle and hey boss tiers they get a shout out and i every time i read these this list i want everyone to know i really do wish we could shout out everybody but we got to make this an upper level tier thing and i really appreciate everybody who can get on the patreon train it really does keep a podcast like us going at difficult times like this. So thank you, Ice5's Venus member. Thank you, Ice5's

Venus member. Thank you, Gago Reflex. He's Gago on this continent. Who knows? Perhaps the Castaway Cuties will find him at some point. Thank you, TCDC and Alley Cat ACDC cover band. Thanks, TCDC and Alleycat ACDC cover band. Thanks, TCDC.

Love it. Thank you, Richard Humphrey. Thank you, Matthew Edwards. Thanks, Matthew. Thank you Trilly McGinnist or Gynist? I don't know. Thank you. Right? Thank you, the most intricate dick tracing of the modern age.

Thank you, Callum Kennedy. Thank you, Trunk Brewpot. Thank you, Callum Kennedy. Thank you, Trunk Brewpot. Thank you, Grim Bacon. Thank you, Eminem. Thank you, Tasha's Cold One. Thank you, Bojangles. Thank you, Billy's

ASMR mixtape. Yes, that's right. It's available for you on 8-Track. Oh, gosh. Oh, boy. I'm combing your hair and it's got I think it's honey inside your hair or maybe it's a

bunch of nuts. I don't know yet, but we'll figure it out together. What the fuck that's ASMR right yeah that's how it works that's definitely it also thank you Robert Collins

you know what thank you for just having a regular old name Robert Collins we need to give you a special moment for having a regular name thank you Brent Crineup. Thank you, TikTok's Copper Clock Cock. Thank you, Smack Dab in the Middle. Thanks, Roast Beef Dustbuster.

Thanks, Craig Big Eagle. Thanks, Doc Roxo. Thanks, Doc. Thanks, Eric Score. Thanks, Wade Long. Thanks Doc. Thanks Eric Score. Thanks Wade Long. Thank you Dr. Wieners. And thank you would it be a list of Patreon

supporters without one of these? Thank you Anatomically Correct Warforged. Yes. There it is. Blaine. No one would knock. Who are these Patreon supporters brought to us by Mr. Kapach? Well, Dan, these supporters are brought to you by Mom and Pops. The mom and pop

store that you can support in your local neighborhood area.

Take it from me, mom of mom and pops. Mom and pops door. Why don't you pop on air to mom and pops? Dan? I was sure that was going to have been narrated by slow motion Huell Hauser, but no, that was just mom or mom and pops.

Oh boy, that was... Oh my goodness. It was hard to just embrace the tension that was building during that commercial. Thank you so much, Blaine. You're very welcome, Dan. Oh my God, thank you. Seriously. I wonder what Sam's doing right now.

Let's talk about what happened last time on Nerd Poker. There he is. He came back just to wag his finger, you guys. Oh! Don't tell him! Don't tell him! He forgot! Come on, man!

Now, I just want to judge the reason oh my god okay i just the reason that was extra funny listeners is because sam was really fast first of all about coming back in with the camera and waving his finger when brian said that but second of all he he clicked it to try to turn the camera off and he's failed so there was a moment there while we were still laughing where he walked away. And we all got to see what felt like the sequel about to happen. It's like an extra level to the show now. Now every once in a while, Sam might pop back in randomly. We have to have a pact. We have to have a pact that if it happens again, we have to let Sam know no matter how tempting it is. Oh yes.

Yeah. Because I will be devastated if there's a dark sequel to that where we just This is like Game of Thrones tension now. I'm like holy shit what's gonna happen? Right because I don't know. Oh there it is.

Ken's got the background of John Hurt with his giant Muppet ear prosthetics and the puppet dog. It, there it is. Ken's got the background of John Hurt with his giant Muppet ear prosthetics and the puppet dog. It's the doggo. That's awesome. He's already, I mean... It makes him look even more like John Hurt. Oh, man.

Yeah, you can't top it. There is actually one thing that Sam could do to top it and I'd prefer that we don't see it. There's several things, but yeah. That's true. To be fair, there's several things. Oh, boy oh boy.

Nothing can top last episode. What can I say? Why, Dan, what happened last time? On Nerd Poker, you say? Oh my god. I'll tell you. The Castaway Cuties met an octopus princess, and she was kind of sus. So they talked about it for a while, both in her presence and not. And then Sam had a thing happen.

And we laughed for about 45 minutes. And then everybody slept. We laughed for about 45 minutes. And then everybody slept while the Logtoplus tentacle gently caressed Nathan Whiskers. That pretty much sums up what happened last time on NerdPoker. Yeah, I mean, the basics at this point are you guys are talking about,

you know, you're being gently encouraged by the ranger. The actual decision of what you're doing next was slightly clouded by all the laughter. But the ranger is going back actual decision of what you're doing next was slightly clouded by all the laughter but um he's the ranger and he's going back to flay's acola are you guys going to join him yes he's suggesting it's a good idea that you go back to flay's acola because you've now got some keys and he thinks they'll unlock the temple of the filament of dongle but i will note visually uh for what i i must assume is a good good reason sarah was shaking her head as if perhaps there is another place you should head next well just that we had actually left off at the exact moment that nathan was about to directly confront and ask the octopus lady yeah that's more

honest about her true form so we should uh drop right in there oh sure um i actually had such a good time telling my girlfriend what sam did that i forgot that's exactly where we left off so thank you sarah uh nathan you've leaned forward and you've you've said uh i think we should really talk because yes the ranger grigsby or as you called him gringrom uh did clue you in that this is a lake best known for having a sort of sunken temple full of evil fish people uh great um so i will lean into her and sort of say can we just speak for a moment if that's all right with you oh quite, yes. I will bat my rabbit eyes at her and try and engage my unwavering cuteness

where I can use my natural charm and cuteness to gain an advantage in social interaction. I can cast the spell charm person once per long rest, and that's what I like to do with the process. And of course course you've got

this wonderful luck feat that could go hand in hand with this but i'm going to have you roll a persuasion with advantage to to try to get the truth out i'll let you choose you can do persuasion or uh insight but if you do insight you're going to need to wait for her to uh say something first oh i will go with persuasion then with advantage i'll take that here we go oh

well good thing it was with advantage because one of them was a one uh but the other one was uh 17 with my bonus it's a 19 got it so you you know uh with my bonus. It's a 19. Got it. So you, you know, try to persuade.

And do-do-do-do-do. She says, Hmm. You mean about my home in Mega Lake Pangodon you want to know more I want to know about listen

listen listen we pulled you from that lake so we want to get you home that is not in question. However, you are not as you seem, and I think it's only fair that we be honest with each other. We want to bring you home, period. But we also want to understand what we're walking into we have interests at your lake

perhaps we can be of service to each other it's true I do possess riches far beyond any of you and I would share them with you should you bring me back to Mega Lake Pangodon I just I suppose I haven't

been completely honest we are a lake known mostly for not merpeople. But I am a princess. If you catch my drift.

Of non-lake people. I am a lake person. She's an evil fish person princess, right? Yes, yes, yes. We get it. I'm trying to be discreet. Why? Oh, I'm not here.

Oh, God. Sorry. I mean, Nathan is, of course, welcome to wave in more people if you want to make it a group discussion. But she's definitely trying to be a little coy. Listen. No one wishes you ill will. Go ahead, Brian. Sorry, Blaine, go.

I'm sorry. I was going to do a coy joke. Sorry, pawn's too small for that coy joke. What were you going to say? no one wishes you ill will listen we've already decided we're going to help get you home but we know you're a big fat liar it would be nice i don't think you mean to insult me do you nathan no i do not but you insult us by not being honest with your guardians she gently puts an octopus arm on your shoulder and says i don't mean to Don't think some of you may be genteel enough to appreciate the precariousness of my racial background, so to speak. So I would just appreciate if you could keep this between you and me, Nathan.

Just you and me. Your racial background. Oh, I told everyone that I was a mermaid princess, and I believe that's how we should proceed with everyone else thinking I'm a mermaid princess. I'm so baffled as to who you're worried about. I feel like the rangers knew. Gran Gran is something new.

But the rest of us, we're all quite familiar with each other and have saved each other's lives, kind of no matter what. I see. I just, I worry a little bit about, well, a couple of them that seem suspicious of me from the beginning.

And I just, I don't want to be smug. Yeah, because you're shady, girl. You're a liar. I would never lie. I am just a creative portrayer of exotic truths. All right, I will gently brush the crumbs from my lap and stand up. Listen.

Okay. All we want to do is help you. But we're not going to deal with this. And I will turn and turn to go back to my friends and go, same old, same old. So she's not a fish person? I have a sense. Oh, she is, but she's not a fish person

I have a sense oh she is but she's still full of shit oh okay and when exactly does this spell get broken for her when she's returned to her lake yeah she told you guys it was when you returned

her to mega lake pangadon's waters that she would blossom once again into a beautiful mermaid princess well it it was when you returned her to Mega Lake Pangodon's waters. That she would blossom once again into a beautiful mermaid princess. We have to decide where to go, right? So this doesn't help. Yeah, I mean, I feel like I would ask Nathan, does he,

do you think she's lying about other stuff or is it just that she's lying about this thing because she thinks we're not going to help her? I mean, look at the world we're in. Who knows? I mean, that's always true. She wants to go home. That's all we have.

She's a princess. I believe she's a princess. Perhaps she's the princess of demons who eat people who help them. Right. We don't know. Right. Okay. Well, we could...

I wish there was a way to teleport. Where? If you can teleport anywhere, where? Uh, well, I will give you, I will give you like a quick breakdown.

I've really wanted to make it easier to get from place to place. So you guys don't feel like you're spending 10 episodes going 10 feet. So if you travel to a city, I'm going to have you do just like one survival check unless there's some sort of major geographical obstacle in this case going down leviathan spiral is definitely a major geographical obstacle and crossing that big cavern that uh it goes the peel is another geographical obstacle but if you just want to go to flazicola if you just want to go to you haven't been there for very long um

that that city halfway between there and bling bottom or if you want to go to bling bottom those places would not have an additional role like we would get there pretty quickly uh so to speak as long as none of you fell down the violin spiral and snapped in half like a martha so the because the issue right now is that we need to get back to flasicola because we have what the keys for the monk's place yeah and you know you left uh noodles at the tavern and stuff like that but we also have a moist octopus that needs to be moistened. So it feels like ideally we would drop her off and then come back to that. But I don't know.

So you're saying to go to the lake first? I'm just saying those are our choices. So I don't know what you guys want to do. I feel like the lake is going to be a protracted thing. So we take her with us to Flay's Acola and then what? Put her in a tank or something while we... No, we just spritz her, do our thing, bring her with us.

I guess we can leave her in a tank. Jelf, what are you thinking? I think we should go to the... Flay's Acola's closer right now. I think we should just go there right now. And that way it gives us a little more bargaining time

with this octopus lady. We can figure out what's going on. Okay. Danny? We're collecting quite a menagerie, so... Which is true. It'll be like a parade. Danny says yes.

I agree. You're responsible for three animals animals at least one of which can speak the comment so let's get an athletics check from everybody you all get to roll with advantage this is to climb down Leviathan spiral I'm going to need with

that athletics check and you get advantage it's a difficulty of 10 to get down you've got these Leviathan Spiral. I'm going to need with that athletics check, you get advantage. It's a difficulty of 10 to get down. You've got these great repelling gear sets. You should be able to beat a 10. Now, should be able to is a fun way to say it. Natural 20. Natural 20 from Iva?

22. Where'd you get Sarah? Yeah natural 20 Great Danny what'd you get? C 12 18 We got an 18 from Grigsby

What'd you get again Nathan? 4 Wasn't it with advantage? Yeah the other one was a one Jesus Now are those your new dice? Yeah Boom

I'm going to stick with the 12 What did you say Brian? You don't know who? My 12 was higher I'll stick with that Oh yeah yeah yeah I didn't realize you were still rolling. I apologize. Oh, no, I didn't know we had advantage or didn't.

Yes. Well, you only needed a 10, so you're golden. Okay, gotcha. The one we're going to worry about is Nathan. So luckily, one of you got a natural 20. So Iva's got like a lead on everybody. She's just sort of rappelling down nice and quick. You slip. uh iva's got like a lead on everybody she's just sort of rappelling down nice and quick uh you slip you're you're you're scaling down the pores of this exoskeletal thing that landed in this dimension eons ago this giant leviathan thing that looks like a duck penis and uh as you're

rappelling down yeah you you just for whatever reason are like leaning your elbow on the safety catch of your hook and the whole rope just detaches from you and you uh slip i'm gonna need a princess exactly um we're gonna get a a free reaction from iva who's the only one who managed to get far enough down to, to catch. Uh, and then you're going to get a chance to grab her leg if she can't grab you. So I'm going to ask Sarah to make an athletics check. Okay. Um,

that's a 13. Okay. to grab nathan um and it's just like ears rabbit legs but yeah like you're i feel like that would that would be perfect so yeah you just you just like you see this fur coming down over your shoulder ivan you just and you just, and like, grab the rabbit ears at the last possible second over your shoulder. Okay, then I lean to Cameron, I say, I always thought it was a rabbit's foot that was lucky. Then I wink.

And then I drop him. Oh, God! She said it, she said it, so it has to happen. Wow, I mean, that's just the rules of Dungeons and Dragons. So Nathan's dead and it's definitely Iva's fault. I feel like that octopus would have saved you. No, none of this is canon.

No. The octopus is definitely going, oh dear, as you hurtle downwards. So yeah, you all get to the bottom but you have to be pretty sneaky um the the the jungle is alive at this point it's mid-morning and you you you're largely exposed but

you manage to get to the outer rim of this exposed area and travel through the jungle it takes a while you guys have to you know set up camp a couple of times, but we're not going to make any random encounters necessarily happen because you've already traversed and found a good path. You make it back to Flays of Cola and Grigsby says,

well, I have to go talk to the city council. I assume you're headed to the temple. Yeah. Well, I wish you the best of luck as i said earlier if you if you use these keys you can get through any of the doors i'm sure but the front door can be completely overcome if you just go in the windows there's these second floor windows you can just kind of climb up and go in if you want to avoid the front door this is of course a temple of a monastic order of monks so you should expect some kinds of traps if you present yourselves as burglars

in some way either by fiddling with locks or breaking into doorways you normally aren't supposed to but if you're lucky there will be at least one member of the monastery back by now. However, they may all be dead. I don't know. It's difficult to tell. So I wish you the best of luck. All right. I guess this octopus is coming with us.

It's up to you. Yeah, you've got all kinds of choices here. You can go pick up noodles. You can go drop off Princess Caspia. Sounds like we should head to this temple. What does everyone think? Danny, I mean, you're a monk. Does that interest you? I will do whatever

you guys want to do. Let's go to the temple. Do we have a key for it? Let's go to the temple. What's the closest? What's the closest? Unless there's traps. And we're taking everyone with us. We'll leave noodles. Yeah, noodles is still doing tricks at the

bucket of poison. Where can we take the lake lady? She would like to. She can come with us, right? Yeah, you can drop her off somewhere, take her with you or... Let's just keep her wrapped around Nathan's

little finger. Safest with us. I just don't want her to try to take our treasure. I don't think she can really get anywhere without us. Where's she going to go? Yeah. I just don't trust her. That's fair. She claims she can no longer become invisible because she's no longer

submerged in the lake. And you're spritzing her about every eight hours. Yes. Whenever she says. She does at one point Nathan say um some of the last time I got spritzed you know I think you missed a spot if you could just sort of

massage the water into my skin I'd really appreciate it I will but I want you to notice that I'm saying it the way that I'm saying it. Oh, I see pensive. Well, let me know if you'd like me to return the favor with a little massage of my own.

What's happening? I'm good right now. right now? Well, should you change your mind, I am a princess who has been trained in many of the finer comforts in life, if you catch my drift. Ooh, Nathan! Whoa!

Nathan, come on! DeBroy, she's covered in suction cups! Come on! Think about it! Nathan, use your rabbit brain! All I'm saying is, I had a royal retinue who would massage me whenever I asked. I knew how to handle a massage. Listen, this crew is crazy. You can't stop the zoo crew once they start cacawing.

Quite a locker room, yes. Can we see him blushing through his fur? Oh, absolutely. Little pink around the eyes. Yeah, yeah, yes. Can we see him blushing through his fur? Oh, absolutely. Little pink around the eyes. Yeah, yeah, yeah. His ears are pink for sure, like deep rose colored ears. Brian is doing visual bits, everybody.

I hope we are prepared to do another gif. Brian, who's visiting you right now after 30 years? Somebody he's shocked by what's going on here. This show just took a weird turn. The little merc on the shelf.

Not sure what to think. It's meta humor, folks. Flazicola! Yeah, you're headed to the Flazicola Temple of the the temple of the filament of dongle and when you get to the place it's got kind of a

stucco wall it's kind of a compound it's large and it's got Spanish tiles on the roof sort of otherwise flat but a deep angle on the roof and there is these sort of two stories up windows into a foyer but the front gate is locked so the front gate is these two big metal doors

um and there's a lock and like two big rings it seems closed you guys show up in flazicola uh morning and it's like late morning now and you know you just knock no response by the window so if you want to call hello at least try to get someone before we start

climbing the windows I feel like even though thought that would be a great idea grumble Grums did and indeed encouraged you thus and you call out and after a moment there seems to be no response again these are two big

double metal doors on a stucco wall but if you look up if you just scale about 15 feet up there's these open windows with no covering like you can almost see in should we try a key yeah feet up, there's these open windows with no covering. You can almost see in. Should we try a key? Yeah. Grimble Grom

said that he and Tuco scaled the wall and went in those windows. If you'd like to try a key... Oh, I know. It was something that's skipping the door and going in through the windows. Yeah, come in through the front door. Yeah, let's... Why don't I check for traps first, and then we'll try the key,

and then we'll try the climbing. Iva, would you please roll an investigation check? It's a 24. Hot damn. You find, by examining the lock, that if you were to insert the wrong key, there is a device inside that looks like it is designed to snap the end of a key off.

Otherwise it looks like as long as you put the right key in, you're good. But we don't know what the right key is. I mean, you could do a visual check of via what I would call an insight check okay i'm gonna do that ah deja vu glitch of the matrix oh god okay um insight you say i do and i'm looking at your roll on then it's a 20 look away nice gee damn, you figure it out. It's a big steel key that's just like a long

peg with a couple of notches on it. Pretty old school. And you easily slide the key in, turn the lock, clunk, metal doors kind of loosen in their frames. Okay. Let's do it. Let's do it. Alright.

You open the big double metal doors and you see signs of some sort of looting there's clearly been people here and you were warned that the rangers saw this scene so it shouldn't surprise you quite as much as characters um

but there's all kinds of shelves and tables and little uh look like they use this sort of as a patio meeting space and place to just mellow out and all of it's been trashed none of the furniture is right side up there's torn pages on the ground um smashed food

looks like uh some goats maybe used to be here and have been stolen there's signs of a little goat pen and yeah it tastes like goat droppings. Same deal. Yeah. Would you like to roll an investigation check to check those doors for traps?

Really worried about what happened to these goats. Doors unlimited. Who's doing it? Iva's on it, I assume, because she is your rogue and has very good trap checking yeah

I did not that time though so um uh yeah that's gonna be an 11 on that investigation check you're you know pretty sure there's some kind of trap on here but you can't decipher what part of the

door it's attached to you just get a sense every time you touch the door that there's some sort of device. There's like a weird firmness to it. It's either in the frame of the door or the handle. You can't even tell.

I was going to say, what about the princess? Could you use one of her tentacles? She's got eight of them. Oh, yes. So she kind of climbs off Nathan's shoulder and gives it a shot. Tootie, I didn't mean to let her do it for you, though. How dare you? She is a princess.

She says, well, I don't have a lot of experience exploring in my current form. However, I do know that I can flatten myself so I could get on the other side of this door and just slide right underneath. Do you want to go take a peek? And perhaps we can get a preview of what's on the other side. I would love to.

Shall I? Please. I shall. And she... You two are like those chipmunks. I would love to. Shall I? Please. I shall. And she... You two are like those chipmunks. You're so polite. Back and forth with the accents. No, no, after you. And she goes right up to it,

and sure enough, she can flatten her entire body, so she just kind of mushes her body up against the door, and almost like she's turning to liquid. Her body just sort of begins to flatten and slide underneath it. And she's gone for a while after she slides and disappears. Have you ever seen that before? No. No, then.

Who killed? We were all stunned. Think about it. Just think about what think about it oh my god I think that was a classic Blaine was listening to his child watch Minecraft in the other room moment

but uh oh no I'm completely here in Lucid Dad Tony have you ever seen such a thing? I can't say I have. It's pretty cool. She comes back after about two minutes. And says, well,

quite a scene inside. Shall I go on? Elaborate? Elaborate? Yeah. Or she could open the door from inside, right? That won't set off a... Oh! I thought that's what was going to happen.

Who would you like me to try? Line the noob, sister. From now on. Well, then let me put, as they say down at the bulletin board shop, a pin in it. I will describe the indoors unary and I shall, forthwith, slide beneath and unlock the door. I'm having fun here.

And she goes and slides back under the door. How dare you have fun against the dragons. You hear on the other side of the door, Whoops! Oh god. Oh god. We missed a pratfall? You hear on the other side of the door, Whoops! Oh, God. Oh, no.

We missed a pratfall? All right. I'm going to insight check the door. Or investigation, I mean. Wait, what happens after whoops, though? Roll your investigation check, but I'll tell you, you're probably not going to be able to get a good re-roll

because the door has been jostled quite a bit now. There will be consequences if you guys keep trying to mine the same well. Do you want to roll it, Ken? You want to do it? Did. What did you get? 15. Aha.

Yeah, not much better luck. And while you're kind of jiggling the door um the princess slides back underneath and comes out and says oh i nearly lost an arm let me tell you oh my wow i tried to fiddle with the lock but i am not a good uh trap smith so trapped on both sides that's interesting i don't know the difference between a two-sided trap and a one-sided trap. I don't know what side of the fence you're from, but back where I am, traps are traps and keys are keys and knobs are knobs

and this was just a door I'd stick a tentacle in and it didn't go great and I came right back out. How many keys are left? Other than the one we used on the front door. Five keys left five

five chances to fuck up and we can't pick it no and you don't even know if it's the same kind of trap necessarily so we can't you can try to pick it you haven't tried to pick it the princess tried it and she fucked up

I didn't understand that's what she was going to do she tried to pick it with her toe Turn a knob and open the door What she tells you she did Was she tried the knob and then she went You know I think they wanted me to pick the lock if I could And she stuck a thing in there and it went badly Alright keep your things out of things

For now and I will try to pick the lock That's a life rule folks Totally Hello I will try to pick the lock. That's a life rule, folks. Totally. Hello? Hello? Hi. Yeah, we're here. I'm Dan.

Yeah, I was going to try to pick the lock. Oh. You're going to tell me what to do. I wish you would. I, for lockpicking, like to roll a sleight of hand check. And if you have a thieves tool, lock picking kit proficiency thingy i give you the old advantage on i'm gonna have the thieves tools yes are you proficient in thieves tool um that's a thing right it is i'm not sure that that is it now still a thing i think so

it's under my proficiencies and languages yeah dice set and thieves tools so i guess that's what that is yeah that means you get advantage for me um okay great because you don't otherwise get a bonus on this right it's not like a separate ability i think if she has proficiency 26 you could oh that's right jesus oh i didn't know it was gonna be loud enough for the jesus so i i hope i didn't scare chris or whatever that was what were your roles sarah four plus seven and then a 19 plus seven so okay uh yeah i think i think chris is right in the future i should just make you out of proficiency bonus rather than advantage because that goes i think i'm defaulting back to my my old advantage rule add a proficiency bonus on top of my already

sleight of hand proficiency that's what that's what i should do yes okay all right instead of advantage but uh well i i told you to roll advantage i'm going to give you this one great yeah you managed to uh pop it open no. Oh, do I manage with the 26? Yeah. That was by Jesus. By Jesus was to her 26. You hear the door quietly thank you for picking its lock. Oh, wow.

What's all in here? And the voice of Jimmy Stewart, oh, thank you so much. And the door just goes like opens up you um you get the door open and uh yeah it's trashed and once again but this time there are scorch marks everywhere it looks like the claws of a giant beast have been dragged through the walls and the floor and the furniture this looks like it used to be a prayer room, but there are tiles that have just been ripped up in the middle of the room. It's all shattered, clay everywhere,

broken bits, burned bits of clay. This room looked like it took a lot of work to very carefully design, and it's all been ruined. And sitting in the middle is a churning red portal that seems to go to another place in another plane, perhaps. But it is currently churning, and it is large and ominous.

It seems to make even a pulsing dark roar as it sits there. There are doorways to the forward, right, and left. There's three doorways. It's a big room, though, and there is a big fucking churning portal here. You can't see what's in the

adjacent rooms from where you are because it's so big and the rooms are dark. Sounds like this meeting is a churned. it's so big and the rooms are dark. Sounds like this meeting is adjourned. A wonderful visual gag with Blaine putting his glasses on, but I will describe for the listener. Because what else do I have

but describing visual gags? Folks, it's my only hobby. I investigate the portal portal goes and I'm gonna have you do that investigation check with disadvantage why

because it's a churning red portal that looks very dangerous so unless you're gonna stick your head right in it I'm gonna have you roll disadvantage about where it's a churning red portal that looks very dangerous so unless you're gonna stick your head right in it i'm gonna have you roll disadvantage about where well with disadvantage i only got 22 sorry oh god oh my god i feel horrible and that wasn't even said towards me i'm so bored you This year is so long. I'm sorry. These are the only ways that we can.

Sarah just turned into Alexis from Schitt's Creek, you guys. That was. Wow. Nice. Ew, Dan. God. Exactly. Paul.

Is that a compliment? All I needed was her to eat. That's a huge. She is only the most skilled comedic actress and stunningly beautiful. So look, in whatever way, only if it's because I'm annoying

and you're going to compare me to Alexis from Schitt's Creek, I'll take it. I'll take it and run down the street with it. And run down the street with it. Yeah, damn. Because with disadvantage, that is a fuck of a roll. You, yeah, get right up against it.

And for a second, you think you see whipping winds and sand, a giant tower leaning at an angle. It's definitely some sort of hellscape. And I would

say your passive knowledge would tell you this is an evil dimension on the other side of this portal. Evil dimension. Evil dimension. Evil dimension. Well, don't you tell me to smile. You'll stick around and make it worth your while.

Like numbers beyond what you can dial is what I would describe it as. Okay, maybe Danny can use his monk powers to take a look around and figure out what might be out of place or what might have happened. Because Danny is so versatile style profile. Is he,

what is it? Is not monthly. Yeah. Uh, what do you want Danny to do? Do tech for monthliness. I thought he would, he's a monk,

so he might have some thoughts on what's going on. Yeah. I mean, Danny, I think you at this point think, think oh someone from another dimension came here to raid yeah like there's there's it's it's like an evil force showed up to take out these monks or steal their belongings but there's definitely been a fight here you see signs that monks have fought here you don't see any bodies though okay well well i relate that to them i mean it was that's not really new information but

right well how would you like to proceed folks? Should we not go in the portal? Hey, um, does this seem related to the, I mean, the whole thing with the filament of dongle, if you guys recall, when we were in the, the,

um, spiral was that they, that creature came from another dimension and we found those scrolls about going to that diary about going to another dimension. And does this seem related several monks I think we think possibly went to another dimension right perhaps

is it in response it all seems pretty related folks guys let's go there what are you curious? It's a hellscape. Wow.

Yes, I mean, it certainly seems like a fascinating opportunity. My goodness. Step through the portal, then. Is that what we should do? Iva's never been to a hellscape. Overrated. How does the princess feel about it

it sounds dirty what does Danny feel Brian well that uh Nathan's adorable but sometimes he finds him terrifying when he's serious fair enough so when I say perhaps we should go but sometimes he finds him terrifying when he's serious. Fair enough. So when I say perhaps we should go,

you find that terrifying to go into the other dimension. No, I just, yeah, you have this other side. Well, you guys, are you heading through the dimensional portal? I think only me and Nathan think that's interesting. I'll check out the door. Really? Yes.

And look. Yeah. I think you should take a vote. I think you should not. Just gloss over this. I tried. It could be very narratively exciting for our listeners. Should we ask the fish?

Everybody. Jelfis. Blainess. Should we ask the fish octopus we ask the fish octopus queen if she knows about any sort of interdimensional invaders or any connection she might have

with this maybe she we asked her what she thought we asked her what she thought and she said it sounded dirty yeah is that how she ended up in that big pit down in the thing no bling you son of a fuck Is that how she ended up in that big pit down in the thing? No, Blaine.

You son of a fuck. Wow. But I will tell you step by step how she ended up in that lake. And are we taking a vote? Or are we going to check out the other doors? I would like to check out the other doors. Why don't we check out the other doors

and then maybe we'll see what we see let's go to hell yeah uh we'll call it north south east west sarah which one did you want to check out first or or you know ken you were the two who most signaled that was an option i say north south south's where you came from so to speak east okay uh so you're gonna go separate along yeah all right i'll go along with these right uh you guys i thought we were splitting up i'm sorry you can split up i was i don't want to split up again no no i thought we were checking them for traps oh my god why does this have to turn into such a thing i literally thought we were checking for traps you were calling check for traps go were calling I was calling them the next one

is it doors or are they all doors they're all darkened doorways that's very different I was just checking for traps fine let's investigate a doorway oh boy what a chore life is another breath in another breath out

the tedium you head over to the east doorway is. Another breath in, another breath out. The tedium. You head over to the east doorway and peer inside. I'm going to do a perception check, please. Whoever's leading this. Toots. Toots, it's you. Oh, okay.

What did you say? Perception? Yeah. Okay, here it is. Thank you. Boom! Big night. Yeah, I mean, you have dark vision, so you can see a fair amount. It's just all sort of in grays.

What you can see in there looks like a trashed kitchen. Looks like we've left in a hurry. There's more signs of battle. Looks like we've left in a hurry. There's more signs of battle. You get with the people. Any further exits from there?

No, actually. Okay. It's a kitchen. We saw scorch marks. It's a kitchen. We saw scorch marks before. Is there anything about this signs of battle that indicates anything about who attacked I do an insight check Nathan

seems like demon marks oh probably not very good um two something bigger than a rabbit he was bigger than a rabbit it was bigger than me yeah I mean you want to check the next door

yeah head to the north and do a perception check 2d okay 22 ah damn this is a hallway that leads to what looks like a series of dormitories of some kind

it goes on for quite a while and you can tell that there's like four doorways on the right and four doorways on the left each of which have like various personal belongings and bedding strewn in the hallway coming out of the doors you do think you see a dismembered arm laying in the hallway coming out of the doors you do think you see a dismembered arm

laying in the hallway and another door far away but it's also dark so it's hard to see a couple hundred feet down the hallway the hallway expands out into another chamber I would like to roll for Scooby Doo doorway montage ooh

do you want to continue this or do you want to check the final doorway in the main chamber check the final doorway in the main chamber? Check the final doorway. All right. Do a perception check. And those dorms, they looked like they were recently slept in. Recently slept in is difficult to surmise when it looks like... Is the arm decayed?

Indeed, like a demon has just run through here and trashed everything so like so the arm was pretty crisp the thread counted egyptian uh sheets are a little out of the question uh what was the question ken the arm was fresh it pretty fresh it looked like within a couple of days but okay that's probably still safe uh i rolled a 12 for my next perception all right this looks like just a visitor's waiting area there's a couple of couches That's probably still safe to keep. I roll a 12 for my next perception. All right. This looks like just a visitor's waiting area. There's a couple of couches. Less battle marks in here, but there is some garbage laying on the ground. Exits?

No. Okay. Well, can we call out again? Sure. Just to be safe. Just in case someone is here and they didn't maybe in the uh in the hallway yeah sort of like whatever seems like most central i'm gonna throw a hot dog all right uh nathan do a performance

performance of course that's what she said uh ken gross oh god dance of five yeah i mean your little rabbit voice carries down the hallway but you're not sure it makes it much farther oh does someone else want to give it a go? I'm a bit hoarse. I've got an octopus around my throat. Is anyone in here? Are you heading farther down the hallway or are you going to finally go in the portal to a hellish dimension? Hellish dimension.

2D as the party tank. It's kind of your call, I think. To go down the portal? You're going to the portal? You gonna go in? Yeah, let's kind of your call, I think. So you're going to the portal? You're going to the portal? You're going to go in? Yeah, let's go. Let's go. Guys.

Ivan leaps up in the air and freeze frames. Are you all in? Jeff, Danny? Nathan and I have already said we are, right? Yes, I'm all for it. The princess quiveringly says, Nathan, would you mind leaving me here? I'm afraid

I won't survive long. Oh, brother. If that's what you want, I'll put her down with like a little vial of water or something like that. Is this something we could come back to after we get rid of the princess? Do you think? Portal?

Well, we decided to come here first because we thought the princess thing was going to take too long. So, now that we're here. Alright. I mean, Danny feels sketchy about it, but he'll go with you guys.

So, through the portal you go. Yes. And as you step through together quickly hot wind hits all of your faces your vision obscured by what is clearly some sort of dust storm is the dust now you realize that you go through the portal is bright red dust it's like crimson dust storm is blowing um and you take a few steps forward, but it's hard. The wind is blowing so hard. It's hard to even walk around.

And you do see in the distance, what looks like a black tower leaning at a 45 degree angle. Suddenly from the winds, you see an arm reach toward all of you, a humanoid arm with a pale blue sleeve when it's quickly followed by a face of a human and they're wearing some sort of uh cloth over their nose and mouth uh and they're they're extending to you cloth masks and they say quick put these on or you won't be able to breathe we've got quite a fight ahead of us and you hear a as something very large approaches and on that note i have a leap into the air and freeze frames again we will find out what that battle is on the next episode of Nerd Poker.

Well, well, well. Sam, what do you think happened? Hi, everybody. Episode 27, we're with our octopus princess friend, who may or may not be telling the truth. She wants us to keep her spritzed down while we move her, just like Free Willy. Nathan slipped and fell down the wall, but was caught by Iva.

And the princess is coming for Nathan in a sexual way that we all want to. There's a tricky key lock that snaps off keys but we got it open and then we got another door open and now there's a portal and we're going through because this game is all doors, baby. Anything you

want to plug, Dan? Please do check out my book Tales of Zadia, the Dragon Prince role-playing game at tales of zadia.com that's tales of x-a-d-i-a.com and of course i do stand up for an hour every friday night at 7 p.m pacific on twitch.tv slash telfer dan uh i call it an hour of stand-up but we all know it's me yelling into a web camera for an hour. Thank you for helping me pretend the world is still alive. We have new

merch, too. We have some cool shirts. We have Brian Posehn and the Boinkones sweatshirt. So pick up that if you want to bust my balls on a sweatshirt.

And who doesn't? I'd like you to bust your balls on my sweatshirt. All over it. And then we have Nathan Whiskers has a Whiskers Elixirs. That one's fantastic. T-shirt and coffee mug, right? Yeah.

And on the mug it also says, I see other worlds on the back. Is it really? Yeah. I think you need one for yourself. That's badass. God, that's crazy. Yeah. So, what's the easiest place to find that, Sarah?

Nerdpokerpod.com. Nerdpokerpod.com. Okay. Thank you. nerdpokerpod.com okay thank you and then I'm go to your comic book shops there's

Deadpool 30 30th anniversary I'm one of the writers of many and we had a lot of fun and the art is insane and Jerry Duggan and I you know from this show of course and friendship and our Deadpool partnership and Jerry Duggan and a guy from this show, of course, and Friendship

and our Deadpool partnership that we've been doing for a long time. We wrote it with Scott Koblish and he killed it. So please check that out. Blaine? Blaine, what are you up to? You know, I have

a travel week coming up. I'm going to Eastern Europe some castle with Stacy Keats. He's doing a keynote address, and I'm just doing a joke pass on it. It's for Smirsch. But he does a lot of those corporate things. We did Spectre last week. Oh, no! Smirsch.

Yeah, they're always good. Nice. they're always they're always good nice well you guys are a good team and I encourage I just do a search and replace Smirch and Spectre I don't even think they know this it's all about shrimp cocktail with those guys

gotcha thanks for listening everybody oh boy It's all about shrimp cocktail with those guys. Gotcha. Thanks for listening, everybody. Ah, boy. Thanks for listening to another episode of Nerd Poker. You can follow us at patreon.com slash nerdpoker, and you get bonus episodes from there. And you can also send us anything at P.O. Box 16069, Encino, California, 91416. Thanks for listening.