Nerd Poker - S4E31 Magma Mystery Mining

Episode Date: April 13, 2021

With their latest nightmare slightly behind them (or at least, in a gross pile nearby) the Castaway Cuties now have a mysterious lava tube and a hellish wailing dimension with no gravity to contend with. Luckily they're more resolute than ever, and there's a weird list they nabbed from an evil tortle. Will all pieces come together? Come listen to us try!

Hey everybody, I'm Brian Pussain, Comedian, writer, actor, nerd. I've been playing D&D with my friends for a long time. I decided to do a new podcast where we play Dungeons & Dragons in my very own dining room. With my wife, kid, and my noisy dogs. So meet my friends Sarah, Kev, Dan, Lee, Chris. Now it's time for another episode of Brian Possein's Nerd Poker. Season four. Hey, everybody.

I'm Brian Possein. You're listening to Brian Possein's Nerd Poker, episode 31. My friends are here. Hi, Blaine. Hi, Brian. How are you? I'm wonderful, thanks. Thanks for asking. Good. Sarah's here. Hi, Sarah. Hi, Brian. How are you? I'm wonderful, thanks. Thanks for asking.

Good. Sarah's here. Hi, Sarah. Hi, Brian. There's a volcano behind you. Be careful. It's behind all of us, in game. Okay.

There's Chris. Hello, Chris. Hi, Brian. Hey, buddy. Ken. Hi, Brian. You guys all have such colorful backgrounds. Hi, Brian. Hey, buddy. Ken. Hi, Brian. You guys all have such colorful backgrounds.

And then we've got Dan in the middle. Hello, friend. Hello. I don't have a colorful background. But you're exiled in Donkey Land, and that's good. I am, that's true. And you're colorful. And did I do you first, Blaine?

Yeah, I did, right? Yeah. Sam's here,'s here everybody hello sweet children and also i already see ramen laying out ramen's had a rough day ramen's had a long day we just got back from the dog park well the thing is yeah dogs are exhausted in la because the days are really nice now so people are walking their dogs all day and now mine are laying around like two dumb old dicks. Also hot. Yeah, it's real hot. So hot.

Cool. Dan. Brian, I think you might be prompting me to talk about some people who support us. Is that right? This guy. This guy knows what he's talking about. That's what I'm saying.

All right, then, because guess what I'm going to do? I'm going to thank Patreon supporters. Patreon's a little old app slash website where people can support their favorite creators and keep them going because they're not sponsored by Coca-Cola or some shit. People like us are sponsored by listeners all like you. You go by names like Stefan! Jack Stefan!

Thanks, Jack. Thank you, Singing in the Pain. Thank you. Thank you, quite simply, Rob. Thanks, quite. Thank you. thank you thank you quite simply Rob thanks quite thank you holy shit Blaine mentioned the Mars Volta at one point in season three

hi Holy you stick around Blaine will mention everything if you stick around it's true all references will be delivered like a thousand monkeys oh my god speaking of a thousand monkeys

did you see twelve monkeys? anyway, thank you Cian, it's pronounced Sean Eisenhammer thanks Cian it's spelled C-E-A-N-N and I thought I'd give him a little roast thanks Sean Dixon

Sean thank you and I thought I'd give him a little roast. Thanks, Sean Dixon. Sean. Thank you. We got confused by the Seans. So many Seans. Some of them spell it S-E-A and some of them don't. And some of them spell it Grogu's Macaroon Machination.

Or is it Machination? It's Machination. I'm sorry. Machination. Thank you, Ed. It's Machination tonight. Hey's machination. Thank you. It's machination tonight. Hey, machination. All right.

You're stupid. Thank you, Alan Wofford. Thank you. Butt ruckus. Oh, bring it. Bring the you. Butt Ruckus. Oh, bring it. Bring the motherfucking Butt Ruckus. Thank you, Jake Tawny. Thank you, Tim Bates.

Thank you, Jason Sprouse. Thank you, Fang the Tabaxi with one fuzzy nut. Thank you, Mandalorian Coffee Breath. Thank you, Anne Marie. Thank you, Lizard Tits McGee. Yeah, thank you, Anne-Marie. Listen, Lizard Tits McGee, and then before that was Anne-Marie,

but it's spelled M-A-R-I-E, so that's my accent making it sound like now. Thank you, Shane Herzer. Thank you. Thank you, Shoot and Runner. Thank you, Professor Physics. Thank you, Shoot and Runner. Thank you, Professor Physics. Thank you, Dr. Shine. And thank you, Rando Cardrissian.

Hey, Blaine, who are those Patreon supporters brought to us by? Patreon supporters brought to us by... Ding dong! Come on in. Hey, what you doing? Do what you look like I'm doing. I'm holding up my ceiling. Hey, why don't you get some walls?

Hey, what are you talking about? Walls, they're not for keeping people out. Sometimes they're for holding things up. Yeah, yeah, that's a good idea. Here, hold this. Where are you going? I'm going to get some walls. Walls.

Sometimes they're good. Dan? Aw, thanks, Blaine. Hey, Billy. One thing I wanted to clear up before we get into it. One thing. Oh, Billy, I got to hear what Billy has to say. But just so you guys know, the reason we are on Patreon is because the ads that Blaine does are not real. Oh, yeah. These are not real sponsors.

Wait, what? Yeah. No, I just wanted everybody to know for sure. Because you probably would hear it and go, doors? Is that a thing? It's not. And we didn't get it. But it's a thing.

But we didn't get any money from doors. I just want to clear that up. So it is a real ad, but they do not support us. Right. But we need help. That's why we need help from our listeners. In a related news, I would like to thank you for clearing that up. Okay, good.

I wasn't sure who knew also on the show how things work. I do get $15,000 for mentioning Refrigerator, a game of escape from Milton Bradley. Damn. Thank you, Wayne. I was going to see if Billy had any new merch that he wanted to tell us about. Yep. Hey, everybody, get to the NerdProker store and order your pin cushions.

You better not lose your pins with a Sarah Gazzardo face pin cushion. It's just a voodoo doll. Why? I don't think Billy likes you. I don't make the merch. Put a pin in her. Listen, Billy, you got to talk to the designer.

That was a little personal. Billy doesn't like Sarah. No, we're friends. No, that's Chris. That's Chris. Oh, hello, Sarah. Is that you? There we go. Wow. It's like that time we all went to prim

well folks after that uh bizarre cul-de-sac i think it's time for us to talk about what happened last time on nerd poker the castaway cuties after well first of all blaine is trying to distract for with a Snoopy mug. No, I'm trying to, it's the exact same color as you. Oh. Listen, as my hair fades, it needs to be re-dyed.

It attracts all sorts of parts of the color spectrum. You have a blue shirt and blue hair. I've got like a very bright royal blue shirt and my hair has just gone from like almost royal blue to more toothpaste-y aqua so it clashes horribly. Good look, Dan. I think it looks great.

Well, I was called out by one of our more stoned friends before we recorded for having clashy blues. Ramen? Ramen, how dare you? I hope wherever Ramen was, Ramen barked

and distracted Sam from his shirtless workout. Anyway, oh! Oh, Ramen. The camera turned on and there was a dog and not a naked Sam. What did I do? No, I didn't deserve it. You better give Ramen a cookie for that cameo, Sam.

Anyway, the Castaway Cuties had their ship destroyed off the coast of Davin Glavin, and they've been zigzagging around the continent from Bling Bottom to Flay's Acola to the Leviathan Spiral. And we were just learning what was on a certain list. So you guys have this list, right? This enemies list with a bunch of names scratched off it that was on the body of what looked to be a very warlock-like evil turtle that you squished.

Evil turtle. You know two of the names. You ran by the ranger you were with at the time. You know, two of the names you ran by the ranger you were with at the time. You know, two of the names that are exposed on this list are Thargus and Chunch. You're aware that Thargus is an assistant to the mayor of Flasicola. You're not sure who Chunch is, but both of these names came to us from listeners who go by names like Jeremiah the Kid, Incinerated Dudek, and Terry would go to a war donkey

show. So thank you for those names. I once saw... I saw Chunchen Chong performance. Chunchen Chong. Weren't we just showing it to Engel McCringle? Yes. So before I was distracted

and lost complete track of my thought, not just because of the jokes, but because someone printed to this room and I heard a ding-dong behind me. The guy you were with who is Hingle McCringleberry, a monk from the

filament of Dongle, also named by a Patreon supporter. He looked at the list and got very flustered and was like, oh, holy shit. You just figured out from going to the Dimension of Pandemonium that Orcus was ordering demons to kill all these monks. Big old fucking demon hunt for these monks.

And Hingle's looking very worried. And he says, this list, this list, these are my people. What kind of people? They're all monks or former monks. In fact, the two names on here are former monks that left the order. Ah, former monks. Yeah, it looks like these names that are crossed off. First of all, I can see my name in here.

That turtle thought I was dead. He's sloppy. Also, it looks like my fellow monks have not fared well and the only names left are two former monks who have left the Order. Maybe they were hard to find because they were no longer a part of our mission. That sounds kind of scary. So we want to go check on them. We were going to go warn them. So in order to do that, we need to get back, though.

Yeah, I mean, you're back in Flasicola, and he tells you that... What? Did I miss that? Yeah, you're in Flasicola and he tells you that... What? Did I miss that? Yeah, you're in Flasicola inside the Temple of the Filament of Dongle. Oh, I thought we were still in... Oh, that's right. No, you are in Pandemonium. I forgot.

Oh, I think I liked it when you said we were at the Temple. No, yeah, I feel like that's correct. I think actually that's right. I totally forgot because we haven't played the main adventure in a couple of weeks. Yeah, you guys need to get the fuck out of here.

What an amazing escape that was. Let's take a look at that clip. I will tell you. Let's go through the door you just opened into that temple. Let's just walk in that temple. Oh, whoops. It's gone. Let me tell you, though, what he would have told you anyway, which is Thargus is the assistant

to the mayor of Flasico and he is a former member and Chunch is a long lost monk who left the order many years ago and headed north on business of his own. He had a philosophical difference with

the monks. What kind of philosophical difference with the monks what kind of philosophical difference he believed that they should be fighting evil more actively and the temple believed that they should instead study and practice and be more pacifistic and defensive in nature

Danny can relate yeah so Hingle is on your side and would definitely like to talk more about your monk goals because he thinks you're a very worthy warrior, Danny. But yeah, in the meantime, he says we should probably leave this place. Don't you think?

Yeah, can you get us out of here? I can. It will take an hour. We should probably leave this place, don't you think? Yeah, can you get us out of here? I can. It will take an hour. We should take cover. I don't know if you saw, I'm pretty fucked up. Can we help him? I thought we tried to help him last time. Yeah, give him some... He's better, but he's pretty fucked up.

Yeah. Can I search that gross uh shapely demon's body shapely wasn't he he was like very curvy i feel like that's what we talked about last time i feel like yeah yeah exactly sounds like how they would describe flappers dancers. So like, this demon was doing the Charleston and then you killed it. I've gotten shapely over COVID. So flappers are famously not shapely.

Is that what it was? I don't know. I'm dumb. But aside from that. The demon has curbs. My curvy demon wife. You sent the picture. You wanted us to look at him. Yeah, I demon wife. His own thing. You sent the picture. You wanted us to look at him. Yeah, I did.

It's very huge. It's a cross between like a gorilla, a pig, and a vulture. And it's sort of like in the middle of the room, just sort of like twisted. It's corporeal form, just kind of like splattering outwards

in slow motion, like it's floating in a space shuttle. And, uh, yeah, it's not nice to behold. It's awful. And it doesn't really have a lot of pockets, but it does have a big sort of disturbing

shade of leather belt around its waist, a loincloth, and a pocket on the belt. The pocket is about the size of one of you guys. Get in the pocket. Oh, yeah, what's in there?

Alright, so, Iva, you kind of jump up onto the floating body. I don't want to know. Yeah, you start popping. It's like got a big thread through it. That's kind of stitching it shut. You got to like pop the stitches through the leather.

And the leather has this like wet squish to it. It feels like it wasn't cured very well. It feels... It's heads, right? Yeah. Inside is the... That's gross. The heads of...

It looks like, six different humanoids of varying origin. We don't want those. Yuck. I asked the monk if he wants to see if he recognizes them or whatever, but... Yeah, he

kind of, like, takes it and peers inside and he says, I'd like to dispose of these, uh, ritualistically very briefly, if I may. Sure. Is there any, can somebody throw a detect magic or anything around here and see if he's got any, uh, strange on them? I can sort of search, like look for magic things, but I don't have to take magic, unfortunately. Yeah, do you guys, if you want to cast a spell, I mean, you can cast a spell. This guy is reaching into his own belt and he's going to start setting these heads on fire. What do you want to do?

What was this guy's name? What was the demon's name? Orcus. That we killed? Oh was the demon's name? Orcus. That we killed? Oh, but we didn't kill Orcus, or was it Orcus? No, it was not Orcus. You killed a minion of Orcus. If you do, I'll let you choose insider history.

I'll tell you what kind of demon it was, but I don't think I told you. Oh, yeah. No, you didn't just just seeing him it looked i it looks what i remember of orcas looking like yeah it's it's yeah i just couldn't remember i was that's why i was like i was looking for the picture because i was he had wings you sent us a picture i feel like i did it was in the it was in the roll 20 map that you guys were playing on i gave you the digital version of a mini so to speak. But if you want

to do, I'll let you choose again, history or insight, I will give you, if you get a 15, I'll tell you what its name is. If you get a 20, I'll give you the full monster sheet on D&D Beyond. I'll do insight and I got

a 24. There you goD Beyond. I'll do Insight and I got a 24. There you go, folks. Iva, you've picked enough pockets to have heard about a few major demons and Orcus is going to be somebody that you're aware of. So I'm going to say

if you got a 24 on this particular role, Iva, you can definitely remind me that you know a 24 on this particular role, Iva, you can definitely remind me that you know a fair bit about Orcus and Orcus' demons. This is a Nalfeshni. Of course it is.

It's pretty horrible. Yeah, I mean, ew, look at it. See? Yes. So, for listeners, an alfeshni is this very grotesque thing. It is pretty brutal. You guys

are lucky to have killed it, in my opinion. I thought it was funny that you tried to kill it. It was, like, making me kill it it was like making me laugh when you when you i was like giving you guys like a real clear like this thing is sneaking and you're hiding do you really there's smaller demons there's smaller demons in pandemonium and you guys went for it and i was proud of you when you killed it we killed that after a long battle yeah um and uh i do think it's funny whenever I throw a big thing at you guys because people inevitably ask me on Patreon and social media,

like, did you really do that? Why did you do that? I really haven't. Why did you do that? Because it's fun. Yay! The right answer always. It's always fun to do the scariest thing.

I could tell this would be tough, but there were five of you plus an NPC, which is a pretty big party. You guys can tackle a lot of solo creatures. We did it, and we leveled up. You sure did. And as these heads begin to burn, I believe we were

talking about Nathan perhaps starting a ritual or something. There was a little bit of crosstalk there. I can cast the tech magic as a ritual. It takes 10 minutes. Great. Well, while these heads are sort of disintegrated and given over to the other side, you cast detect magic.

What's the distance on detect magic since? Probably 17 miles, really. It says 30 feet and it lasts for 10 minutes. i guess if i moved around i would have a 30 foot uh sphere around me that i could use great so you kind of pace around you feel like there's some sort of just like pulsing horrible aura coming from the tunnel that the

the demon came out of uh sort of your northwest-ish corner, if you will. But you get a surprising ping that seems to be suspended from the tube of lava that is pouring through the room. Something inside the lava. Yeah. Even though the lava seems to be flowing from the north to the south

through this sort of gravity-defying tube, there's something stationary sort of floating in the middle. I share that with everybody. Oh, so something for us to grab out of the lava somehow?

Yeah, I'm trying to see if there's somewhere to freeze it. Yeah, how can we... Is there a way to shove it out with something? If it's not too heavy, I could use my lucky rabbit's foot. Oh. I have a mage hand. Oh, yeah. So it can only move...

It can't move anything more than 10 pounds. Okay. So I can reach in and try and manipulate it? So it can't move these nuts. What? You do think whatever is in there is a little bigger than 10 pounds.

Can we use Can we use... Can we... Can I use Channel Divinity to fuel magical effects to make it able to hold more than 10 pounds? Ooh! Let me see. Channel Divinity? I don't think you've busted that one out

for this type of purpose. Well, it might be happening right now. I've pitched so many shows to Channel Divinity, it's ridiculous. I'll never forget that one you pitched, Walls. Oh, man, I'm trying to forget that one. That was a show before it was a... Yeah, well, it started the whole wall craze. Yeah, it's like the cavemen thing.

Let's go comedy. Comedy, comedy. Do you have Channel Divinity open? Because my computer's all sawed. I'm trying to pull it off. Yes. Tell us a little about it. Your oath. Your oath. Your oath allows you to channel divine energy to fuel magical effects when you use your

Channel Divinity. You choose which option to use. You must then finish a short or long rest to use your channel divinity again. Some channel divinity effects require sleep-saving throws. Okay, so I had channel divinity as a cleric, and so usually there's a specific thing you can do with it. So you'll have a subset of your channel divinity, which is... Usually one of them's turn undead. Your healing might be.

Yeah. Yeah, I know you're basically saying, hey, Bahamut,ut help me out but i'm not sure if you can dictate another it's like a specific thing well so okay so we just need something that's lava proof to like fish it out is that the deal if we want yeah or something that will divert the lava or freeze the lava. If we want it. What's like the, how big around is this lava stream? It is about 10 feet.

Oh, so wait, if we block the lava flow, will the thing just then not have lava flowing past it? Is it hovering also? It's possible. Okay, let's use this gross thing's body to block the lava flow. And then... Oh, sort of shove it in there, yes. Yeah.

And then that'll, like, a flood control system send the lava going a different direction? So you guys drag across the room this massive pig gorilla demon corpse. Like Portal 2 with the lasers are just redirecting it around.

And you shove it into the lava flow right before this magical source. And it kind of jams against it. So you get it in there and the flesh on the corpse is like popping and sizzling. The lava is starting to also kind of like splatter around it. But for a second, you guys see there is this bright shining chrome box. It's about five feet by five feet by five feet.

It's a perfect cube. It's got a little seam around the middle of it and a little simple lockless latch in the middle of it. And it's just hovering and shining so bright you can see your reflections on it. And it looks like the lava is about to pour over the corpse and reabsorb this box any second. Is this...

Can you knock it out of the... Yeah. How? Tell me. With my hammer? Great. I'm going to ask you to do a strength check. Is this thing like

a prison for something? Is this like... I pictured our reflections in a square like a phantom zone. Something is in here. Fanny McCannell-Dandle told us that this is a place where

bad guys hide their cool stuff. Oh. Well, I rolled a 13. All right. Tootie goes clang and puts a dent the size of his hammer and it wobbles. But then it goes back into place. Any other takers? Let's fuck away from the lava.

So is it like magically held in place? It seems so. And you've got about, let's say, two more things you can do before it's too late. Because we're talking about seconds. Should I try to like, kick the lock or like open it or whatever?

You want to just pop it right open? Well, should I like diffuse whatever trap is on it first? Should I try that and then everybody's staring blankly at me so I do it yeah that's how I interpret blank stares you just pop it just click no no I'm gonna check it for traps and then all right these are gonna be the two things you can do

check it for traps then open it okay I don't want to take up everybody's turn so go for it rather than get in rather than polite, I will tell you, you said you were doing those two things and I said you get to do two things. So whether you want to be polite or not, it's happening. Damn, this is why you're exiled

and donkey-legged. Okay, I'm doing it. Okay. What I want you to first do, of course, is a investigation check, please. Oh. Can I roll that one more time? Because I'm nice?

Yeah, well... You're lucky? That was a... Well, that's... I don't know if you have that anymore. I think I already used it. Yeah. I have.'t know if you have that i think i already used yeah i i have i do i have luck points but i use them all in that battle that was the question did we reset when we leveled up uh yeah you did so i'll if i will i will i'll let you go back sure okay

cool actually i was just joking then i told you guys over text message. Yeah, you're good. Use all caps. Awesome. Okay. So now, yes, I will use a lock point. And now I'm going to roll again. Now it's a 12. It seems suspiciously simple.

Open it. The lava begins to pour over the corpse. I open it. I open it. All right. I'm going to need you to do a dexterity saving throw. Okay. Okay.

I've got my little lava umbrella out there, Wile E. Coyote That's a 13 Alright So, first thing that happens is you flick the latch and it pops open. Good work The second thing that happens is as you do it, your finger and then your sleeve burst into flame.

And you take... 13 points of fire damage. You're on fire. In addition to that, as your hand kind of like sweeps up, it's kind of right near where the lid is opening and you see what looks like

a shimmering, it looks like it's glass and full of like this sort of iridescent fluid inside it. Cutlass. It's a curved blade

with a handle and a hilt. It's a curved blade with a handle and a hilt. It's got kind of hooks on the edge of it. And it looks very magical. It's floating in the middle of this five by five foot box. And now maybe we'll do the mage hand if you want to grab the cutlass with the mage hand. Is that possible? certainly

alright so you manage to reach with the mage hand and pull the cutlass back and as you touch it with the mage hand Nathan you hear a whisper in the back of your head

hello hello hello who is this? You hear a whisper in the back of your head. Hello? Hello? Hello? Who is this? My name's Nathan. What's your name? Hurry, our friend's going to burn up. We've got to get out of there.

Quick, quick, quick. Thank you for saving my sword. I did not expect anyone to take it. You see, I'm trapped in the ethereal plane. Hold on. I want to hear your whole story. She's dying. My name is Althazar. Wait, what is that? Oh, dying. I'm alright.

I'm okay. I'm okay. I mean, I'm on fire. I stopped dropping roll. I stopped dropping roll. Okay. You are magically on fire. So you pat at it and it doesn't really go out.

You guys notice this is happening. Magic fire? And throw a bucket of confetti on her. Put some magic water. Take off the armor. Is it her or is it the armor that's burning? It's her armor. Take it off! At least we'll try and save it, but take it the armor that's burning? It's her armor. Take it off.

At least we'll try and save it, but take it off. The armor, take off the armor. Nice try. I'm like, can I do an insight check? Do I know anything about what I would need to do here? Does Iva know? Yeah, I mean, it feels like you need some sort of like, how do I put this? Yeah, I mean, it feels like you need some sort of like...

How do I put this? Do an insight check. Ask the sword. No, do an insight check. Do an insight check. Okay. Ask the sword. 22.

This is a psychological trick. Oh, so I'm not actually in fire? You feel like you need to snap out of this. Do a intelligence saving throw. Because I have advantage on intelligence saving throws, wisdom and charisma against magic.

Well, that is exactly what's happening. Okay, so I'm going to do an intelligence saving throw with advantage um okay one more time 25 great well this physical trap suddenly reveals itself to be nothing but a figment of your collective imaginations and just as you realize like oh this is not real a very strong conviction comes over you that spreads to your companions

and the flames disappear from your arm Balthazar speaks to you again Nathan it says oh I don't have much more time I'm afraid it's just fits and spurts I'm able to communicate I appreciate you saving my sword.

Come visit me sometime. See if you can help me escape. Right now I'm in some place called Davenglaven, but it's in the Ethereal Plane. Davenglaven in the Ethereal Plane. I say that out loud to everybody. Davenglaven. Balthazar is the name of the owner of the sword. Davenglaven in the Ethereal Plane.

I'm in some sort of strange house. He's in our house, guys. Remember when Nathan went to the ethereal plane? Right. I'm in some sort of orb. If you find an orb in a strange house, do see if you could crack it

open. The orbs. The orbs. Remember the orbs. Anyway, I'm losing energy. Remember the orbs. Anyway, I'm losing energy. This was my sword. Thank you for saving my sword and goodbye.

Nathan, after communing with what seems to have been some sort of powerful wizard from another era, you level up. You've already done a lot of this uh but i will tell listeners one of the biggest bonuses of a wizard hitting level five appears to be spell slots yeah that's i don't it's not a lot of cool stuff it's basically uh spells yeah did you uh roll your hit points already i have well i you know what i did i can actually roll it i took already? I have. Well, you know what I did? I can actually roll it.

I took the automatic. I have a D6 as my hit die. Why don't we roll it live and make it more fun? All right. So my hit die is a D6. Two. So I get. Roll again.

What? That was a cool rule you told me all right yeah so I have I forget Brian gets to dungeon master when you roll your hit points so two plus my constitution so I have five more hit points it's it could be better for a wizard but a wizard can take whatever they can get yeah you realize

I didn't mean for that to sound sour pardon me the cut uh cutlass that you've just retrieved with the mage hand does indeed seem perhaps better suited for a rogue oh yeah no i wouldn't yeah so uh you could uh potentially hand this off to any of your companions but it does seem that it has some sort of magical power that might lend itself to your friend, Iva. Iva, yeah. It's a scimitar?

Or it's a cutlass? It's like a cutlass. Scimitar is not that different. But yeah. Pirate sword! Who wants a pirate sword? Everyone? I'm holding up to you. Of course I want it. Yeah, I'm holding up to you I'm holding up to you she did all the work well

yeah you feel like you're gonna have to tune yourself to this it's gonna take a fair bit of study but you know as long as you do watch you can do that while everyone's sleeping but yeah it looks pretty as you do watch you can do that while everyone's sleeping um

but yeah it looks pretty badass you're like oh this is this has got some big magical bonuses like plural to this fucking thing awesome and uh yeah as he hands it over you level up

Iva so did you roll yet unfortunately all i get is the extra hit die and unfortunately i rolled a one so that is the sum total of my leveling uh as far as i can see i think we all go up in proficiency. That's like a thing for... Yeah, yeah. I could be wrong, but I think you get an extra attack. For those people who do.

I do not. You get Uncanny Dodge, Sarah. Oh. I think I... Didn't they already have Uncanny Dodge? Maybe you got it early? Maybe i didn't already have uncanny top maybe you got it early um maybe i didn't maybe i maybe i could use it before but yeah i didn't i didn't uh

okay well perhaps you uh you didn't realize reaction no maybe yeah maybe i didn't realize you also get uh an extra D6 to your sneak attack. Oh, yeah, yeah. Okay, so I leveled up using D&D Beyond. Usually it tells you where you have to make choices. So I just assumed because I didn't make any choices that that was basically it. But yeah, you're right. I see now 3D6, nice.

Yeah, and your proficiency bonus went up. So there's cool stuff. Yeah, there is some cool stuff. It is indeed not as exciting as when you get, you know, a feat. Right. I do love my feats. Yes. Hashtag. You know who does get an extra attack, though? You guys are about to be quite formidable in combat.

The other three members of your party all get extra attack. So, hey, Tootie. Yeah. so hey Tootie yeah you despite clanging your hammer have recently leveled up and done something far more bold helped destroy

a demon did you roll your die I think you did yeah I did all my shit cool tell us about your shit I think I got like three hit points and some spells and another extra attack yeah the extra attack. Yeah, the extra attack is a huge deal.

You get four instead of three first levels and two second level spells. Yay. Pretty rad. Hey, Brian. Yes. Hey, Juan. I'm right here. First of all, show us how to get down.

Second of all, I'm good. It's good to see you. You're level five now. Why don't you if you haven't already, roll that dice. Eight, right? Yes. Queen. Sweet baby Jesus. I got a seven. Yeah. Nice. I'm going to make sure the next

monster only focuses on you. So are you putting it into my D&D Beyond? Yeah, I'm going to go ahead and put that extra 7 in for you, and I'll tell you, you also get an extra attack, which is pretty exciting. Yeah, you get a...

Your proficiency bonus is going to go from a 2 to a 3. Should I be in the character builder? You'll see all this already. This is all done automatically for you. Okay, so if I just go back to regular, right? What do you mean go back to regular? Well, not character builder.

Go back to the regular. Yeah, just let it sit. Let me do the editing right now because if we were both in there, I could goof it. Yeah, let me get out. But yeah, man, you get some pretty cool stuff at this level. And I think the best stuff is the extra attack.

You get Stunning Strike at this point. So you can... So I get one more... So how many attacks do I get total? It's... 15? Yeah, it really depends on what your strategy is because you could be using an extra attack as an extra action,

but also you could be using your bonus action to attack. So this is indeed where things start to really gather. But get extra attack, get stunning strike, and also an extra key point, which you've noticed is quite important for monkdom yeah what what's the strike you said stunning strike stunning okay you is that going to show up in my proficiency it should it should uh show up in your actions yes actions okay i see it well I see actions yeah I mean I'm gonna go ahead and get you all set here so you're gonna be able to

do you're at 41 hit points now Danny enjoy I think you're gonna just have to play around the thing a little bit maybe print it out and pour your fingers over it. Like the beautiful thing it is. Oh, that sounded grosser than I meant it to. Excuse me. It's getting weird.

Oh, yeah. Just respond. There it is. Nice. Hey, Blaine. Yes, Dan. You've leveled up. I heard.

I have great news. You leveled up I heard I have great news you leveled up and you get an extra attack and a proficiency bonus and there's not a whole lot else for an arcane archer have you rolled up your hit points it did it automatically but I'll do it again so it's a d10

and nine nice So it's a D10. Mm-hmm. And nine. Nice. Nine. Very nice. That takes me to 31. You're getting better, you thin elf. So welcome to your new levels.

Now that Kringleberry has disposed of the heads, which was a rather gruesome affair. Most of you were spared because you were focused on the Traysure. He comes over and says again, yeah, do you all want to get out of here? Yes. Yes.

Yes, please. Very well. I'm going to go ahead and start reading this. It's going to take 10 minutes. Here we go. He begins chanting.

Congrats on your new trésor. As the portal begins to open, he tells you all to go through and then he'll be right behind. What's the deal? Why are you not coming with? I have to keep the portal open and continue

chanting as you pass through. Hey, how come all these demons seem to be killing you monkeys? What's the haps? I believe some of our studies went against what Orcus had planned. Also, the Dungeon Master

had to sneeze real loud, so it's making me sound more pensive than I want to. That's why Danny got that out of the Orcus guy before he killed him, right? He said that it was like collecting heads of these guys. But specifically these guys. I'm just wondering, what's the connection? Why not just heads of anybody?

I don't know. It's rather complicated. I'd rather we get into it after we all go through the portal, so if you guys could just chill out and trust me for like 30 seconds we can talk about it on the other side of the portal.

No big deal. No offense, but last time we were in this situation we got fucked. True story. He kind of looks nervously and he looks side to side and says, The mayor of Flay's Acola is someone that we are actively trying to suppress from destroying and any valuable lives.

He's not what he seems. The mayor of Flazacola is not the elf that he appears to be. And in the process of keeping the mayor sort of unaware of his true self, we may have inadvertently gotten Orcus's attention. You were keeping him unaware of his true self? Yes. So he's like your puppet? I wouldn't use that word.

He's not like a puppet so much, you know. What is he? Who is he? He's a being a little too powerful to destroy. We tried destroying a being, and the only way to contain him was to trap the being in the body of a recently deceased elf and we brought that elf back to life and in the process,

unfortunately, imprisoned a demon inside him. So, and does he know he's a demon? No, not at all. He thinks he's the mayor of Flayzacola. He's been just going about his business, doing a great job for the most part. What demon is it? What's his name?

I'd rather not say. Well, you're going to say. Do a persuasion check or an intimidation check, depending on how you're trying to do this, narratively speaking. I'll do persuasion just because I have a better chance. 22. Oh, boy. Really don't want to say, but you got me. have a better chance. 22? Oh boy, really don't want to say, but you got me.

Back against the wall. His name is Panzuzu. I really thought that was going to hit different when I heard it. I really am nervous that I said this out loud in Pandemonium, where some of his dukes and duchesses still roam the wastes. So if we could just get on out of here.

Sure. Okay. That'd be dope. Let's do it. All right. You guys pass through the portal, immediately followed by Hingle McCringleberry, who then seals the portal by zipping it shut with his fingertips.

So, yeah. It's real important you keep this mayor thing under your hat, so to speak. What's the plan there? What? What are you going to do? What do you mean, what am I going to do?

I'm not threatening you. Just please. No, I just... What are you going to do with this demon mayor? Like, what's the plan? Let him... Let him keep being mayor. He was elected mayor when he was an elf.

So, like, if you want to... Just let him keep living his life, it'd probably be for the best. Oh, boy. Okay. We got a lot going on now. Now we got these monk heads to deal with. We got Orcus.

We got a demon who thinks he's a mayor, but is actually doing a good job. I don't think you need to worry about the mayor. I think he's going great. And if we just let the mayor keep being mayor, then no one's a wiser. Are you working for the mayor? No,

but we, as I say, are you the mayor? No. And Zuzu, they put a demon in the mayor's dead body. And now that demon is running plays a cola, but then he doesn't know he's a demon.

He's just actually now a bureaucrat and this guy is saying we should just let it be. Weird. And if we learned anything in season three, it was maybe we should just let things be. Maybe we will only fuck it up

and therefore we should not involve ourselves in fucking it. It seems like a pretty good idea. A little more context. So his name was Mayor Depple, right? And this demon was trying to destroy Flasicola and drain it of its blood. And he killed the mayor.

Demon killed the mayor. And in the process of fighting the demon, we were unable to kill it. We found that with our powers combined, we could not kill this demon, but there was a body nearby that we could trap it in with a ritual. So while some of us distracted the demon,

some of us cast a ritual, imprisoned the body, brought the mayor back to life, and we did many tests to make sure the mayor's consciousness was Mayor Depple's and not Panzuzu, and no sign of Panzuzu. And we think as long as Mayor Depple's and not Panzuzu and no sign of Panzuzu.

And we think as long as Mayor Depple lives, everything's fine. Well, it's great that he's immortal then. Oh, wait, he's not? Well, then we have a problem. We've been just trying to find new solutions and have been a bit distracted by orcus

competitor of panzuzu trying to release panzuzu or that way he could kill the real panzuzu or imprison the real panzuzu in another way and we're just trying to keep orcus out of our business so you want to let can we call him something other than panzuzu because it's not working for me the mayor sounds very non-threatening well okay so okay so i'm just i was just listing out because it helps me to get organized uh you know and to think about what our next steps are here so just now we know that may we have the mayor on our to-do list. Sure. Great. What are you going to do about those heads?

Someone's coming for your head. Are you just going to go... Orcus? Yeah. Listen, I was going for answers, and I was worried it was Orcus. It apparently is Orcus. I'm one of three people on this list who are still alive and they don't know I'm alive, so I believe I can keep working

with you and trying to come up with a greater solution. Hopefully, you know, you're working on something akin to what I'm working. You're not evil, right?

Yeah, we, let's, none of us forget that we have this not-mermaid to deliver also. And Tootie's hammer, right? Yeah, while you guys are talking, a little octopus kind of, like, slinks across the room

and says, oh, you're back. It's very dry here. Oh. You should have seen where we just came from. Oh, spritz. Yeah, you do a spritz. Oh, Nathan, may I have a spritz?

Didn't we leave a bottled with you? Oh, but I'm so tired from spritzing myself. I'd like Nathan to do it. We all just died, pretty much. You guys had a bond. Yes.

I value all of you, though. You're all my sweet babies. Nope. Nope, I'm not. Danny's out. No, Brian's out. Nathan, will you spritz me? Yes. Right here.

Spritz away. Spritz, spritz, spritz. Thank you. I couldn't reach back there. Seems gross. I couldn't reach back there. Seems gross. I bet you could. Oh, I'm not used to this form still. So where do we want to go? Uh, yeah. We're going to have to think of our mind about what the next...

We got a lot of stuff on the list now. Tootie's hammer. Was anyone having any strong feelings about it? No. Danny's open. I feel like... Maybe we... We came here so Danny could help the monks, and now that Sioda seems to have corkscrewed out.

Danny, do you feel as though you've come to some sort of satisfaction on these monks? Not really, right? I mean, who's... Well, Hengel tells you if you'd like to become a member, he would be honored to swear you in as an honorary filament. Hmm. What?

I'm kind of a loner, Dottie. He nods, understanding. Says, very well. I encourage you to continue to swat down evil wherever you go. Keep an eye out for Orcus. If you...

If you had your druthers, Tingle, what would you want from us right now? If you know anything that can smash a demon, I would like to borrow that real quick. Got it. Okay, so

what we can do is move up that hammer on our to-do list. So let's go drop off this octopus, find out the deal with that, come back, then we got Big Hammer we're gonna smashy smash

this demon that demon then maybe we're doing something with the with the Arch Lich from that other comment that we heard about that all sounds good

sound good? don't forget Balthazar trapped in a lamp oh and our yeah and our oh that's right we gotta we gotta get out Sound good? Don't forget Balthazar trapped in a lamp. Oh, in our... Yeah, in our... Oh, that's right. We got to get out. We got an adorable little pangolin dancing in a bar for nickels.

We'll have to find out how that all goes. Wait, trapped in a lamp? Is that what he meant by orb? No, it is an orb. I'm just trying to make silly words happen but yes we'll it glows so it can we'll get into all of that on the next episode of nerdy pokes yay sam what do you think just happened i'll tell you episode 31 we're talking monk stuff with hingle and there's a giant pocket just like when Neil Peart plays there's some

floating lava and some shiny boxes and floating corpses we're gonna smash at him with a hammer and try and open it Iva did it and caught herself on fire just playing it's an illusion somebody's fucking with us from an orb we learned about Panzuzu and that octopus who's trying to who's trying to bone Nathan is

still going for it lastly all of our characters leveled up and I'd like to remind our listeners you can level up at home just by leveling yourselves. I was absolutely delighted by you saying Pan Zuzu and the octopus. That's right. It's a new Netflix buddy cop show.

Oh my God. What did Terry gain when he leveled up? What's that? I've never wanted fan art more than the Netflix buddy cop show and Zuzu and the octopus. Let's ride. All right. Hey,

please, if you have a chance, check me out doing stand-up on Twitch. Maybe I'll start playing video games on Twitch when I can perform stand-up in person, Maybe I'll start playing video games on Twitch when I can perform stand-up in person, but I don't feel safe doing that yet. So in the meantime, check me out Fridays at 7 p.m. Pacific. I try to do an hour of jokes and

crowd work for you! Twitch.tv slash TelfordDan. Also, I work on a bunch of tabletop role-playing stuff. You can check out the latest at TalesOfZadia.com. X-A-D-I-A. Hey, Brian, what's up in your neck of the woods?

I just released a guitar pedal today, and pre-orders are now, and then by the time this airs, it'll be regular. It'll be out and in, but we just did a small batch, so jump at it. It's called Big Fat Rock, and it's really stupid, pink and white. And it's just a big wiener joke that you stomp on and give your guitar more distortion and more. It adds 10 inches.

Mother's Day is coming up. Yeah, totally. Oh, it's not just for dudes. Right. Anybody needs some big fat rock. And then Grandpa's Metal Stash on every Tuesday.

That's it. Hey, Blaine, do you got anything you want to plug? I don't know if you're collaborating with anybody lately. I'm doing some stuff with John Cale, but until then I'm going to be with Stacy Keach in Whittier for the La Raza topless car wash. So come on in and Stacy's going to put them on the glass for you. Nice.

It's good. It's all for charity. It's good to get him out of the house. He's been bumming out lately. What's the charity? Oh, no. I don't know. I don't ask him any questions.

Thanks for listening, guys. Thanks for listening to another episode of Nerd Poker. You can follow us at patreon.com slash nerdpoker, and you get bonus episodes from there. And you can also send us anything at P.O. Box 16069 Encino, California 91416. Thanks for listening.