Nerd Poker - S4E33 Mindflayer Shanty

Episode Date: April 27, 2021

The Castaway Cuties continue their team up with the mysterious sailors known as the "Ice Five" as they sail east and hope to find a lich-smiting hammer for Toody. Hopefully there won't be any sea monsters! Dan would NEVER, right??

Hey everybody, I'm Brian Pussain, Comedian, writer, actor, nerd. I've been playing D&D with my friends for a long time. I decided to do a new podcast where we play Dungeons & Dragons in my very own dining room. With my wife, kid, and my noisy dogs. So meet my friends Sarah, Kev, Dan, Lee, Chris. Now it's time for another episode of Brian Poussaint's Nerd Poker. Season 4. Hey, everybody.

I'm Brian Poussaint, and you're listening to Brian Poussaint's Nerd Poker, Episode 33. We've been now doing the Zoom games for seven years. It's going fine. We're all growing old together. The cast has changed several times. They've fired people. People have died. And then we've had clone versions of them thrown in.

Dan is glitching uh my friends are here hey chris hi brian how are you i'm good buddy good uh dan seems like he's glitching bullets no what's up brian what's going on hey dan oh that was amazing uh sarah's here. Hello, Sarah. Hi, Brian. Ken in the middle. Hello, Brian. Hey, buddy. And then is that Blaine Kapach? Where? Right there. Oh, my God.

Get a picture of me with him. And in the upper left where it's amazingly, he also sits in the upper left of my heart. Whoa. Yeah. In the Vena Cava.

Yes. There he is, everybody. Sam. Hello, sweet children. Hey, pal. How's the noodle dog doing? Let's find out. Yay.

There he is. There he is there he is what a hero uh dan what's going on in a sack oh man there's a lot going on in the sack there's is it hot up there it's it's a sweaty sack yes if that's what you're asking no but i'm getting to it because you grew up in chicago yeah you have not lived through a sacramento summer yet and you're asking. No, but I'm getting to it because you grew up in Chicago. Yeah. You have not lived through a Sacramento summer yet, and you're about to. And are you going to move down here before it gets summer up there? Oh, God, I don't know. Me moving is an incredibly complicated emotional journey.

Well, you've lived in L.A. summers. Sacramento is worse. I've heard, yeah. Kalen's parents, who I'm living with, have been here for 12 years and they're like oh just you wait Chicago gets like to 115 degrees in the summer so I feel like I kinda know what's coming but I don't I mean LA

it's summer March through December so I feel like it somehow feels worse up there in that part of the valley to me but that's what i grew up with oh well so far it's been lovely here and i've enjoyed things like rain and the color green and mammals that aren't humans or coyotes it's been interesting when it gets hot you can go uh kill a friend down by the american river it's uh people people do it don't

think i haven't already driven past the golden state killer's house that's we've already gone on the tour um i can show you where river's edge was shot could you no absolutely no no no it was over by my grandpa's house that sounds like what you say before one of the posain stranglings. That's how he killed me. That's what he said right before he killed me, Dan. Don't do it. Let's thank some listeners, right? Oh, my God.

Thank you for trusting me with such an honor. Folks, some of you are not just beautiful listeners. You're extra beautiful listeners who support us at the Hay Boss or stargoyle tears of our patreon page if you're not familiar at this point first of all how did you get 30 fucking some episodes into this season but um i digress i'm grateful to these folks who go way out of their way to make us feel rad and keep this podcast alive thank you jonathan mott thank you thank you J.R. Weinzettel thanks J.R. thanks Garrett

thanks Lucas Sierra Mist VP of Marketing Merrill thank you thank you Ryan Emmett thanks Primrose Fantasia thank you Neil Wicker.

Thank you Pepper Burt. Thank you. Thanks Shane Wager. Thank you Talon Shade. Thanks Talon. Thank you Detective Bobby Fudge. Fudge Detective 71st Precinct. Thanks Adam Ruiz.

Thanks Eric Maughan. Thanks Todd Rollins. Thank you Ninja Slippers. Thank you Todd Rollins. Thank you, Ninja Slippers. Thank you, Nonspecific. Thank you, Dharma Trails. Thank you, Jonathan Wood. Thank you, a vinyl of Blaine's commercials. And finally, thank you, Damien's Cheesy Rat Balls.

Thanks, Damien. I believe that is a reference to when your character, Damien Darkiman, was turned into a rat and had balls, Brian. Oh, that's right. Okay. Cute. God. Remember those days? That was so long ago, yes. Back when this version of the NerdPoker t-shirt was made? Yeah, I remember.

Oh, boy. We all would go to a building and meet in a building and get in a tiny elevator it sounds like hell now and sometimes we would stop our recording and go try to find where sam had passed out on a couch yeah uh hey blaine who are those who who is who is uh sam dying brought to us by say i'm dying brought to you by big dicks draping carpet warehouse our carpets have matched the drapes since 1948 and listen i know the jokes you make i know the things you say it's horrible it's horrible what you say about a lady god it's against god it's

against the virgin mary it's against the mother of Christ. I know what you're thinking. I think less of you for it. God damn you for thinking that. Thinking that horrible thing about my carpets and drapes. Anyway, big savings this weekend at Big Dick's Drape and Carpet Warehouse, where the carpet always matches the drapes. 69-69 Milf Dead Street down in the

dildo district. Hey! I didn't name it! It was gentrified after I was I've been there for a while. The rent's cheap. God damn you for thinking it. God damn you to hell. Wow. Ever since the city

became gentrified, I thought we were getting rid of the dildo district. It's still there, right? Dildo's still standing strong. I am literally crying right now. Milted. That was Blaine's masterpiece. It's like everything

she was working towards. It's like everything. It's on his right across the table. Oh, fuck. Boy, oh boy. I thought Gilgamesh was funny, but... We should have had a bunch of fireworks go off when you said melt it. Love, love, love. We're gonna do it.

All right. Jesus Christ. Yeah, exactly. You go to Paris France. All right. What are we doing? You're going to hear about what happened last time on Nerd Poker. That's right, Brian Posehn.

You're on a podcast. The Castaway Cuties have been making their way north through the southern half of Davenglaven after crashing and heading through a couple of towns, a couple of jungle parts, and now hopping aboard the ship of Captain Snaginthus to head east through the Peel, a deep canyon cutting through the middle of Davenglaven, filled with water, and eventually leading to Megalake Pangaringa. Please add an echo effect on that, Sam. at us a piratey looking mind flayer who welcomes you aboard his ship for a you know not unreasonable but still kind of costly fee you guys are about to settle in you've already gone uh shopping

you kind of you kind of raided a shop along the coastline before hopping on board the boat and uh yeah you're you're being welcomed aboard. You're told the name of this ship is the Steely Brat by Captain Snaginthus. It's a very weird shaped boat. It clearly used to be some sort of hauling boat. It's kind of like got a rectangle shape to it. It's not like something for the open seas.

Clearly, they just sort of do basic trading on here. But it does have a line of six cannons on it. And there are sort of carrying racks for cannonballs next to all of the cannons. carrying racks for cannonballs next to all the cannons captain snag and thus assures you with his heavy mind flayer lisp that they are used to dealing with the giant dragon turtle that patrols the eastern waters and uh that he is indeed the safest ship for you all to take so you hop on board with a fair amount of reassurances, but also, you know, you notice not really anywhere to like sleep. This is going to take a while. So, you know, you're going to have to kind of take out your you've got you've all got like some sort of like basics, like sort of sleeping blanket that you can lay down.

But didn't you say it was like 14 hours or something? Yeah. And, you know,'t you say it was like 14 hours or something? Yeah. And, uh, you know, it's going to be partially overnight. So if you guys do get tired and want to take a rest, it's going to be a little uncomfortable.

I have a, I didn't stay up late till midnight guys. It was a special treat. Yeah. I thought we were going to rent some movies and just me and make popcorn and make a, make a night of it. Danny's not worried about it.

And he'll guard if we have to. Dan, are we the only people, are we the only guests on the ship? We're the only... Yeah, you're the only guest. There's a crew of three Mind Flayers that are already on the boat. Captain Stagentis informs you that they are totally harmless and nothing to worry about. Have they talked to us about have they have they talked to us at all have they made any effort to contact us or no they seem pretty quiet um you know they're

very thin uh you're you've never uh i don't think any of you have met mind flayers before but um you've heard that they're usually kind of like rail thin. And these guys kind of live up to the stories. They are all dressed in basic sailing outfits. And they're all just kind of like looking around. You can tell everybody on the dock before you leave is giving them a pretty wide berth. They're not somebody that everybody's socializing with. Whereas most of the docks are kind of lively and people are trading stories these guys are keeping to themselves all you know about them even though there's only a few of them is they claim to be a part of a uh sailing group called

the ice five yeah i want to ask snagging this about that oh you see uh yeah yeah, it's a name we sort of inherited. It's a long story, but essentially... Yeah, 14 hours. Yeah, I mean, we used to have a muzzle brain that was like a part of a collective, and there were many more of us. And then we allied with a small group of heroes who had the name Ice-5. We got rid of our old name. We had all these trading coins made that said the Ice-5. We got rid of our old name. We had all these trading coins made that said the

Ice-5 on them. And then when we lost the Mother Brain, there's only a few of us here that were spared from the massacre. Many of us died, but the Mother Brain was infused with this magical crystal that teleported us far away because

we were psychically incompatible with the mother brain and we could no longer be a part of her psychic network so we found ourselves in another dimension and we found our way back eventually to cladenheim and we found our coins in our uh in our home base which which was now just sort of buried in corpses. Sorry. And that's the long and the short of it. What happened on Clottenheim after that? Were you guys, were you a part of that whole, it seemed like some bad stuff was happening there.

Yes, some sort of dread lich arrived from another dimension as well. It's curious. It sounded like they were hiring all sorts of mercenaries. You haven't been ferrying mercenaries back and forth. You've kept yourself out of it. Oh, we've ferried a few mercenaries. Oh, you have? Yes. And what sort of trip is that? Oh, we've ferried a few mercenaries Oh, you have? Yes

And what sort of trip is that? Well, usually we only head through the Peel But we would take them to the North Coast Up along the North Coast And there's some enjoyable things up on the North Coast Have you been to perhaps the Krakakoffa city in the desert? There's a lot of culture there we saw Okendoink

perform we enjoyed many magical delights and then we headed back it was a good one off vacation can't believe you saw Okendoink what's that? why aren't you fighting?

sorry first things first Okendoink. What's that? Why aren't you fighting? Shit. Sorry. First things first. What does that Jill fellow say about Okendoink? I love it. I got really into him in college. Oh. Yes, we were very interested.

He taught us a sea santee. Yeah, that's where I would get my knowledge. I had to rhyme it. Would you like to hear the sea shanty we learned from Okantoink? There's nothing I would like more than to hear your sea shanty. All right, well, here we go. Let's all hear him sing, can he? Hang on, I need some water

if I'm going to do that. What was your question, Chris? You guys remember Okendoink, right? We saw him when we saw Dessa in that season. I don't know if Chris has ever met Okendoink. That was our weird owl, I know.

That was before me. He sang a Mr. T experience song oh fun uh okay what was your question that you had Chris in game oh I was asking I was asking why aren't you fighting everyone's

fighting we are too weak without the mother brain we cannot propagate our kind and we we are slowly losing energy we may not be long for this world. Oh, that's sort of sad. Yeah, we will do. Maybe we'll find a magical cure. We looked for

it up in the north and found nothing, but we did learn a sea fancy that goes a little something like this. Oh, barnacle honey, I loved you so dear. You clung to my side like a mollusk. But when ze old crackin' it shook you with fear.

You peeled off as if by a walrus tusk. Oh, honey, oh, hey, you left me to lay like an octopus in a crevasse. Oh, lady, my darling, I'm speared by a marlin. I'm suffering at your sweet lust.

Mmm. Mmm. And then he finishes this song. That's great. Yeah. Hey, Brian, didn't you say you're on a sea shanty diet? And then he finishes this song. That's great. Hey, Brian, didn't you say you're on a sea shanty diet? Yeah. When I sea shanty, I... Physical bits.

Doctor said don't do that. You guys start heading east through the peel, and you notice there's little flying fish that follow the boat for a while they got weird sort of flat little parrot heads they look kind of like parrot fish but they've got little wings on them and they dive um you notice noodles is kind of like waving his weird little stubby paws at it like he wants to eat one um and a couple of them do land on the deck but uh as you get deeper into the peel i give them noodles oh uh noodles goes and just gobbles them down bones and all um as you go far speaking of bones as you go farther into the peel you notice there are

corpses uh both fresh and ancient littering the sides of this deep river that cuts through the middle of the continent um it's starting to get you know much more into a landlocked part and uh yeah it's creepy there's uh there's more serious patrols from the the mind flares as they go sort of like in a pattern checking all the cannons. And you can tell they're kind of looking out for monsters in the water. Monsters in the water, eh? Yeah. Can we, what, is there a part of the river where there's more monsters?

Is it monsters and then stuff from the banks and then a combination of monsters and things from the banks or what are you sort of asking them for monster intel or are you checking it out yourself i'm kind of checking asking them for monster intel they make this trip a lot yeah they they tell you it's it's uh mostly one kind of creature that eats the corpses and sometimes confuses the boat for like a large corpse okay that's the turtle or is that something else it's something else it it uh there's a few of them but they're very large and sometimes it will uh sort of latch its tentacles up over the sides of the boat and try and drag organic things into the water but mostly it feeds off the carrion laying on the sides of the river. Can I give, um,

Nathan, the healing, the magic pebble stone, the healing stone. So he can try to maybe attune with it. That was that I took that I won in the minute, took it, but I want it.

Um, and that guy, uh, and then Nathan, you'll have, cause I feel like we really are low. We need that. And then you would have healing word once a day, because I feel like we really are low. We need that. And then you would have healing word once a day, which would be great.

Sure. And Dan, how long do I need to attune for that? You need to make a successful arcana check once. Can he do it on the boat as we're going right now? Yeah. Okay. Whenever I have time to settle down and do that i will do that well the sun will be setting soon it is starting to get dark the mind flare is expressed to you

guys that it's starting to look a little shady and it won't be too long before uh you guys are encouraged to rest cool so uh i assume you'll all sort of sit down to eat dinner what's for grub yes i brought some luna bars i'm excited about authentic seafaring food i mean they're not serving any real food so it's going to have to be stuff that you guys brought with you unless you want to fry up one of the flying parrotfish that landed on deck

it tastes like crackers I'd rather eat a parrothead fish okay so I'd rather eat a paired headfish. Okay, so we ate... A fish that's a Jimmy Buffett fan. So yeah, we're... I don't think we need to rest in terms of the timeline, right? Okay. No, you don't need to rest, but you're we need to rest in terms of the timeline right okay uh no you don't need to rest

but you're being encouraged to rest so you can ignore it i mean they're not weird about it brian's frozen sorry i was waiting for you guys to do something and uh now brian is trolling me and now now we're taking turns trolling me. Boy, Zoom pauses, you guys. I love a great visual joke on a podcast. Yes, me too. I know I did and I regretted it. Well, you put your hands up and I was like,

uh-oh. Now you're locked into position. At the beginning of the episode, yeah. Yeah, and then it's like, no. Hang on one second. I gotta pause. Well, let's just keep playing, guys, without him. Let's see how it goes. Okay. He left. I say we defeat all the monsters in the water. I rolled a win.

Nathan wins. Can you attune yourself to that pebble? Let's tell him everything we did when he comes back. So Nathan attuned to the pebble. You guys, the pebble gave us all golden helmets. All right. Sorry. The dog broke in and was knocking stuff over. That's okay.

But while you were gone, Nathan attuned to the pebble. And we all rolled. We all rolled. He did it. He successfully. And actually, when he we all roll he did it he successfully and um actually when he did it he did it so successfully that the pebble now gives him two healing words a day wow um and then we all rolled for workout mode and we each got to add one strength one um point to our strength. Whoa. That's really cool. I also circled back and made a joke about wasting away in Margaritaville

looking for my lost shaker of salt. Nice. And then I stood on my chair in real life and did a backflip and landed it perfectly. You missed that, but it was really cool. Oh, man. Well, what I did while I was away is I rolled up a character because Sarah's now the the dungeon master take it away perfect yeah so if you guys want to

ignore me they're there i'm if i was stilted in my wording it's because the dog running around was distracting me uh they're not being like like weirdly oppressively like you should rest like fucking bram stoker's dracula they're just sort of they're just they're like it's getting dark and you know we'll wake you up if there's trouble but uh so you know um you can you can you can skip it but i i will just remind you guys if you ever like skip uh sleeping at night um you will incur one level of exhaustion at the next time. Okay. So we rest and if we can,

if Nathan can attune while we're doing that, that'd be good. But yeah. Yep. Great. Um, so who wants to do watch perhaps? Danny will go first.

Watch anyone else. I know we've got a couple of people looking to attune stuff. I have to attune. Do it. I will watch. Anyone else? I know we've got a couple people looking to attune stuff. I have to attune. Do it. I will watch. Okay. Wait, who's, how many people are watching now? Danny and

Judy so far. I'm going to attune. Chris is going to attune. Got it. I only need to sleep for four hours and then I'll stay, I'll take the rest of the watch after this. Great. So if you're on watch, please just do a perception check. And if you're tuning, do your can check, please.

All righty. He's working at a bank. All righty then. Wow. Ooh. he's working at a bank alrighty then wow ooh hmm for arcana I got a natural 20 plus 6 nice

nice so uh that that is instantly attuned you can totally use that now no problem and it's a healing word pebble yes great thank you i have a 16 except so with 16 perception you notice the there um, there is, uh, like a weird, it looks almost like a,

like a very large tree log that kind of is like rolling underwater, like maybe a foot underwater in the distance in front of the boat. None of the mind flayers seem to notice it. They don't seem to notice it. No, I will let them know. Oh, okay. Well, uh, time to fire off the cannon uh jelf you're woken uh from your sleep when three of the cannons uh all go off the mind

flares quickly assemble and go and uh they do it very nonchalantly and then they just sort of go back to what they're doing. Let's just do it. Is the log still there? No, but also the water is all disrupted and there's just waves everywhere. They tell you, the idea is you're treating it like

a scare tactic and hopefully it will leave the boat alone, but if you don't do that, it'll start grabbing the boat. Well, good. Grabbing the boat we're good hmm grabbing the boat eh yes uh well i'm awake i guess yeah i mean you can you go back uh next time and put some coffee on if you like uh sarah were you rolling to a tune yet or are you sleeping iva um i was sleeping first and then i going to do my second attune if I had time.

Yeah. Well, we're coming up on a former hours. You guys have now been on the boat for about eight hours and you're, you're like halfway through about. So if you would like to wake up, if you would like to, uh,

sleep or whatever, but who's, uh, who's going to be on watch this round. I'll be on watch. Great. What do I need to do to do my second attuning for this? Do an Arcana check.

I'm going to use a point. Okay. I want this cutlass for me to use. So, that's a 19. Oh, all right. Well, there you go. You are now attuned to this sword. What's it called?

Yeah, it's called a Cerulean Cutlass. It is a plus two scimitar wow nice wow that's cool and it has three charges of prismatic spray in it geez wow um You can only use those charges once per week and they recharge once per year. So it's pretty much like you get it three times this adventure unless we like pause for a year

or something like that. Or time travel is somehow imbued upon this sword. Sam would love that if we took a year rest. Can you send, is there a thing for it or do I just have to keep it all? Write it down for now and then I'll email you the, because I don't have

it in a link yet. But again, that's up, I'll put it in the chat, the basics for you. Thanks. Which is, it's a, hey Blaine, what is this plus two scimitar brought to us by? Plus two scimitar brought to you by Dog Daniels.

Jack Daniels for dogs. Ain't nothing in the rule book says dog can't get drunk. Dog Daniels. That's a good boy. Dan? Thank you you Blaine That's not in the rule book I checked

It's page one Oh yeah It seemed like it would be in there It depends on the rule book Can't intentionally give alcohol To animals Jeff will you please roll a perception check? I would love to distract

from the fact that I've made a move. It's a natural 20 plus 6. Oh. Because I have a proficiency in that, so 26. Thanks, Jeff. Alright. I'll take everybody's mind off the thing I did about getting my dog amped. I mean, uh...

Okay. Okay mean, uh... Okay. So, uh... Right now, I believe Danny, Nathan, and Tootie are all asleep. And while they're sleeping, you notice a slimy black

tendril. Like, completely silently. By the time time you look over it's already sort of happening it's like about 10 feet onto the deck you can't see the source of it it's very long and slender and the the cupped end of it is just sort of like slowly and silently reaching over nathan like it's just gonna like like... And you can see these, like, hooks built into the end of the cup on the tentacle like, starting to come out as if they are

expanding from little pods. Sure, I'm gonna fire a bursting arrow at him. Alright, roll to attack place. That's an 18 plus a 6. Yeah, so, uh... A 22.

Roll 4 damage. And the damage on the arrow is the thing with the D8. Sorry. 8 plus 4 is, uh, so... 12 and then a bursting. So, 2D6. So, it then a bursting. So 2d6. So it's already 12.

And then 2d6 is 7. So 19 points. Okay, so this tentacle takes 19. And it explodes. How much force damage was there, Blaine? Only after the arrow hits the creature target. 2d6? 2d6. What was the result of uh 2d6 what was what was

the result of that 2d6 uh it was uh it was 19 because it was also with my the other damage from the arrow which was a 1d8 plus four pure what was the 2d6 specifically do you remember did you get that that was a force damage i think it was a five and a one okay six yeah so um nathan i'm gonna need you to do a dexterity saving throw please dexterity and you take six points of force damage as you wake up with uh an arrow exploding directly over your head oh i would not want to shoot it at the uh at the thing over his head i would want to shoot it at a base to make it stop. I would think that I would shoot it kind of...

I mean, I would name it for Nathan because I would know it was exploding. I'll give that to you because you rolled super high on the perception check, so that's fair. But I'm still going to... I'm still going to give... I mean give uh i mean i understand but i'll give

it i'll give it easier uh dc on this dexterity saving check nathan um but this is still like an explosion happening on the deck he's he's shooting an arrow within you know a pretty small distance that's causing an explosion and there's not enough of the tentacle exposed that uh you can't like have some reper uh repercussions for it so yeah do a dex check please yeah i got a uh i don't think it's gonna be a problem. I got a natural one plus two. So that's a total of a three, Dan. So what's the diff? Cool. Well, again, you don't take any damage because he had a very high perception check.

I'm letting it count as like a called shot, basically. And he also did very good on his. Everybody sort of jolts upright. You see this tentacle sort of like reel back quickly and splash into the water as if uh but you also see nathan slide across the uh the the wet slick deck and just go sploosh into the water what the did danny see it yep danny goes right after him all right uh danny you go and please do a perception check okay is it dark

yeah it's pitch black okay I'm gonna run up to the edge of the boat and be ready with a rope cool no map for this by the way so we're doing mind's eye here what's the princess doing did I miss it

she's she's sort of skittering around where nathan was going oh my sweet baby what's what's my perception plus what is it i gotta pull up your character sheet to tell you that brian oh 16 total oh great so you dive in the water and um you can see there's like just the outlines of stuff because it's pitch black and the water is kind of dirty um but you can like you think you see a shape that's probably nathan okay it's about it's about 10 feet uh deeper in the water i swim as fast as i can towards it great nathan uh Please do a perception check. Perception. Perception. Nice. Perception.

14. Yeah, you're just sort of like careening head over ass, like deeper into the water. And you can try to find your way up soon. You can try to get somewhere, but you've completely lost your

bearings what would you like to do well i mean i'm assuming i would swim towards light there's none nothing even from the boat or anything like that no unfortunately pretty dim lantern light on the deck of the boat and due to the way the boats build it doesn't cast a whole lot into the water what what propelled me into the water? Am I being pulled by something? The bursting arrow that hit the deck made you slide across the deck and go in the water. So I'm assuming that I'm

going down, but in a second I'll start floating so I'm going to give a second to see my body start to rise and then swim in the rising direction. Alright, do an insight check. Insight. to see my body start to rise and then swim in the rising direction. All right, do an insight check. Insight.

Ooh, four. Yeah, I mean, you pause and it just sort of feels like there's stuff moving around you that's causing its own sort of currents and it's hard to tell which way is up. All right, well, I guess I have to hang on until hard to tell which way is up. All right. Well, I guess I have to hang on until I figure out which way I'm going.

All right, Danny, do an athletics check for me, please. Sure. Is there like a mast on this ship, Dan? Uh,

no, it's, it's mostly being pushed by oars that uh two of the guys are are using um and there's some sort of magical rudder that you see them occasionally adjusting that seems to like when they when they turn it there's some sort of propulsion that makes the boat shift left to right a little bit okay but there's no like mast or anything to climb the slant? No, it's like a heavily modified sort of freight ship. Okay.

I had a 20 plus three. Great. So the dark shape you suspected to be Nathan is Nathan. And as you swim right up to him, you can see he's sort of holding his breath, but he's like feeling around and he's at a weird angle where his feet are up and and uh you you're you got to kind of like shift him around nathan you feel yourself kind of being grabbed all right by danny and um danny you get him kind

of under your arm and you go to swim up and um what has been a series of like just dark shifting shapes that you can't quite make out suddenly parts in front of both Nathan and Danny. And you just see this massive glowing yellow eye with a dark pupil slit down the middle of it about two feet in front of you. The eyes about eight feet tall above the water. Like we know like like like here's up and here is the eye, like right here. We're swimming past it. Okay.

Poke it, poke it. Freestone style. Danny, there's a giant eye in front of you. No, I know. Well, I'm not going to engage it. I'm just going to try to get my friend out of it. Ooh, all right. That'll be another athletics check with disadvantage, please.

I'm going to throw down a rope. The DC is, I'm noting the rope Tootie is throwing overboard. The DC on this, this is with disadvantage, is 10 to try to get above water, but it's with disadvantage.

And you've got decent athletics bonus, so fingers crossed for you, my friend. Roll it twice, right? Roll it twice, take the low number. Cool, so 17 plus three, Fingers crossed for you, my friend. Roll it twice, right? Roll it twice, take the low number. Cool. So 17 plus three and shit. Uh-oh. Oh, I think I just got it.

I had to get 10, right? So my second roll was seven plus three, so 10. All right. So you're running out of breath both of you and nathan you even suck in a little bit of water but uh you guys reach the surface and there are um there's a rope dangling right in front of you with tootie like looking over the edge of the boat but there are just logs like rolling the water over and you know they're not actually logs but some sort of leathery flesh of some river monster

Tootie it's a leathery fleshed river monster I'm gonna reach for the rope though and try to get my friend out of there now you get an athletics check with advantage however you are carrying Nathan under an arm and he's kind of trying to help but it's awkward

you're two people trying to climb a rope really fast together so this is just a little bunny you have a van inside of danny's giant pants oh that's right he's got giant pants that treasure can hide in do a seltzer imitation you can cling to his back but it's still going to be weight um and so it makes more of a narrative difference so you need to be just for funsies i'm going to say this before we hear your number brian i need to beat a 16 even though you're rolling with advantage yay i got a 16 and a 19 oh shit beautiful you you get up the rope but you can tell like a few tentacles very frighteningly quietly kind of arc over uh the the top of the water trying to grab

you i'm pulling to help bring them up as soon as you get over the lip of the boat uh the cannons on either side of where 2d was uh go off and fire in the water the mind flayers were waiting manning them but they were waiting until the uh castaway cuties were hauled back onto the boat before taking any risks. I appreciate that. No problem, my friend, they say, as you're brought to safety. How are you, Nate? Are you okay? I'll cough up a little dirty river water.

Danny, you saved me. Of course, my friend. You came into the water as soon as I would kaplunk yes I'm going to pass some healing as fast as I could oh Nathan's okay?

and I just wanted to you know add on to this as touching as that moment was even more touching to me personally is when princess cospia sort of slinks her way across the deck of the boat up to you nathan and places a tentacle on your forehead and pushes the fur out of your eyes and says oh my sweet baby angel you survived you princess fortunately that creature did not know to pick out you, our most precious jewel here on the ship.

Suddenly, the cheeks of the octopus turn bright red. Oh, look at Danny. I do not follow. You know what hey Nathan do a deception check deception oh alright you're pretending to flirt with princess Cosby but you're like pretending

right 16 yeah she's still blushing she's like wait till you really meet me I have a second right give me one second so Sarah this is all of a sudden now when we all get magic wands right is Brian stepping away so now anything can happen

oh yeah yeah how did I kill everybody wands, right? Is Brian stepping away so now anything can happen? Oh yeah, now everybody... Yeah. How did I kill everybody? We should all just leave. Fourteen dragons showed up, each with a time travel machine. Oh boy, guys. And we all got fat Sal's delivery while Brian was gone.

We door dashed the shit out of some fat Sal's. If he'd only been in the room, he would have heard us knocking on the door. Hey, listeners. I hope you got to hear all of that. They did. Okay. Now we're going. By the way, Brian, unfortunately, a couple of characters,

Iva and Tootie, slipped through a portal into the Feywild and then came back and they failed their wisdom saving throws. So they've each aged 100 years. Oh, gosh. Because they're,

yeah, I mean, because they're a race that can live a little longer. They're not dead, but they're very old. It was like the whole time you were gone, we were going,

Danny! Danny, where are you? What? Danny! Nathan, where are you? What? Danny! Nathan has been eaten by seven different dragons. They're all different kinds. So different digestive systems on the chromatic dragon scale did different things to his beautiful body as he was devoured and shit out by each of them so he's just in really rough shape and

uh jelf is yeah yeah i'm a bard it's me tom jelf it's not unusual to get out at any time i don't know sorry i just

wanted to stop before we had to pay for it. Thank you for saving me, Denny. I shall be certain to return the favor at some point. I hope you don't have to, my friend. Ha ha ha ha! That's a joke. Yes. Oh, yes, I laughed. Did I not? Oh, it again oh good good i'm working on it that sounded bad

yeah you guys i assume we're gonna rest a little bit just to cover your aces but you you know you you you basically get a long rest as uh the end of this trip leads into morning and you're all getting um you know like like it's not morning yet this is going to end as a trip goes when the sun is not quite risen but the sky is beginning to get pink on the horizon and that's when captain stagent this warns you guys so the turtle we are we are quickly approaching the bay at the other end of the East Peel. Please be aware of the turtle. It is not likely to attack, but much as we did with the river monsters,

we may have to take on defensive maneuvers. All right. He describes for you all a turtle that appears to be mourning something he says there's several stories about what's going on with this turtle but uh there's an entire area named after the spot it hauls itself on shore and stares out into the ocean uh for weeks at a time and then swims back into the ocean um and this part of the ocean is like sort of carved out like a like a giant divot in a couch where somebody who is unemployed sleeps um and like millhouse's dad there's this big divot carved in the beach

where this turtle just sort of squats and stares in the ocean and if it is disturbed while it stares out in the ocean it is known to attack sailors and boats alike so he tells you just to be careful why is it what is it looking for why is it sad

it is rumored to have lost its mate the stories go anywhere from its mate. The, the, the, the stories go anywhere from its mate, having been mutated into a monster covered in eyes and tentacles, uh,

to rumors that, uh, the turtle is simply waiting for a fight and for a proper bout to occur. That is worthy of its strength. Um, Burke, by the way, um who did not help much during the uh the struggle is around the orc that you guys hired he didn't have to engage in combat

he's more of a melee fighting type and so he was like standing at the ready should any real fight break out on the deck but uh he's he's going to be joining you as well and he's the one who tells you the story about it seemingly waiting for a worthy challenger in a fight okay cool okay we're ready all right so you guys sort of pull off and it's not the usual way that they normally pilot this boat normally they um go east to a few small bays there's a little bay just south of the peel uh there's a small town on the way to upsea pinezy uh an enchanted forest and then they head down to bling bottom and then they head around the coast but instead he because he knows you guys are headed to mega lake pangadon pulls just between

the northern edge of the peel and the shells lament where the turtle pulls itself up on the bay and sure enough um he walks up to each of you individually putting a finger over his mouth and gestures for you to shush you notice a massive fucking turtle is sitting on the beach its eyes wide open just sort of staring straight ahead into the water this thing is bigger than the boat, um, bigger than two boats. You feel like you could build a few homes on its back. And, uh, he's,

he's gesturing that he's trying to dock the boat before it's really in decent view of this turtle. It's still pretty far away. It's like, it's like half a mile away, but you can tell this thing is just utterly massive. Is that it there on the map? Yeah.

So if you guys are on roll 20, it's right where I'm pinging. Can you see that? Yeah. That's the turtle out there in the water. That's the turtle out there in the water. In the actual game, he is,

or he or she is sitting right there. In the water? On the edge of it its eyes sort of like staring into the ocean its back half seated up onto the beach its front half uh half submerged so is it kind of like here like where all these hash marks are is that sort of like its spot exactly can we move behind it somehow that's what that's what uh snagging this is trying to do so um he successfully does it but he tells you all this is where you're going to part ways and he's going to um be he's going to be uh heading quietly away as quickly as possible so his own boat doesn't bump against any rocks and draw attention um you guys assume, are going to try to sneak north

without drawing attention to yourselves, yes? Yes, please. Yeah. Great. Well, then I'm going to have everybody do a little stealth check, please. Oh, what a good idea. Including your friend, Burke.

And we say thanks to the mind flayers and stuff. Get a couple of pictures. Yeah, those guys did all right. Oh, yeah. They shake your hands and tell you to look them up. Sorry those people betrayed you. What kind of check was this? Stealth, right? Sorry.

Stealth. Twelve. Twenty. Bert got an eleven. Sixteen. Thirteen total. Eight plus five. Thank goodness for that bonus I got it 2

my symbol oh no oh my god so you guys are heading north did your cell phone go off and yeah you know it's pretty open but there's a giant boulder that's sort of a part of the canyon edge and you're you're you're all just kind of like oh

if we can just get behind this boulder if we can just get behind this boulder and um you're about 100 feet away from the boulder when 2d turns an ankle on a large rock that then goes sort of just like banging down the hill that you guys are climbing and you uh you all kind of like chance to look over your shoulder and the dragon turtle just sort of like swerves its whole body to its right and angles its face at you and just sort of like kicks its head back and roars horrifyingly. It's 10 foot long tongue wagging in the wind that comes from deep in its throat as this metallic screech comes from deep within and mournfully even. And on that note,

we'll find out what happens next time on episode 34. Well, Danny wants to scold the boulder, so I do an over-the-shoulder boulder scolding. Listeners, that's for you. Hey, I'm going to Venmo you some Icy Hot for that stretch. I'm going to need you to do a persuasion check so I don't kill myself after hearing that. Jesus, Lord.

Jesus, Lord. I got it. Hey. Wow. He just pulled out a tube of actual Icy Hot. Miraculous future reliver. Icy Hot scream.aculous future reliver. Icy Hot scream. You see hot scream.

We all see hot scream for Icy Hot scream. Save it for the show. Oh, wait. Where am I? Bring it on. Sam, what happened? This is a fun one. It was a fun one.

Episode 33, we are mid-water travel and we heard one of the best sea shanties i've ever heard we shot a cannon at a log and we attuned ourselves to a sword that can burst three times like a magical cum bazooka and just the thought of a year-long rest shakes my bones dan nathan and danny go in the cage cage goes in the water giant eye in the water nice thank you we finally met the giant kirk van houten turtle and finally speaking of which all this water-based audio adventure reminds me that if you join our patreon you can hear the single greatest hour of podcasting i've ever recorded where we play jaws also you can learn where the phrase

cum bazooka comes from if you subscribe to our Patreon. Oh yeah, that was in a bonus episode. That was an un-bonus episode. It'll come up a lot. Not to be confused with the gum bazooka, which is something you do want in your mouth. Dan, do you have shows? Yeah, yeah uh i really really really can't wait to do some in person

um i heard brian did a cool one uh that was outdoors recently with patten and some other folks we know again last night i've been on stage three times now and it's fucking great like the first two times last night was more comfortable because and now i'm like i'm back to like hating my act like there was mad things i was mad at myself for as i'm driving home last night like god damn it so that's a good sign i missed that disappointment in myself that sounds so familiar uh no i actually had a good set but i still like still beat myself up but it's i that. That's the fun part. Oh, absolutely.

Yeah. I can't wait to do that stuff again. In the meantime, I will keep doing my Twitch standup, which you can see at twitch.tv slash Telford Dan every Friday at 7 p.m. Pacific. And yeah, in the meantime,

I'm still writing role- playing game stuff for Cortex you can follow that it's like fandom tabletop it's through the company fandom so right now I'm working on some for Dragon Prince the Netflix show I'll be working on something for Masters of the Universe called the Legends of Greyskull

role playing game based on the He-Man Masters of the Universe stuff so if you follow fandomletop on social media, that's a good way to just see all the projects that I'm working on. Yeah, I was just about to blurt out how many things I'm working on, but just because of COVID, I've been doing a lot of these things and things are now starting to come out. But I have a ton of comic book stuff coming.

So just stay on BrianPassane.com for that and then follow me on any of my social medias but the main thing is uh grandpa's metal stash i'm on episode 43 it's been amazing and then um what did i want to oh i have that uh joe troman guest of the show friend of the show he and i and he's on my record, Poseidon, which, by the way, if you don't have Grandpa Metal yet, please, if you're a metalhead and you like comedy, I think you'll dig it. Like, get it for free first, and then buy it.

Do whatever you guys do, the young people with the things. But the point is, Troman and I made a fucking guitar pedal. And it's so dumb. But I've heard people that can really play, play through it. And it's a fucking great pedal. It's a great little hair metal, hard rock distortion pedal. You get that 80s sound. You know, just put it.

You get that crunch and that, you know just put it you get that crunch and that you know just that sound and uh it's a cool little pedal people are digging it um check it out it's uh kirk or kh dk uh makes the pedals and it's called big fat rock and uh chris tallman did a hilarious uh video for us that should be available on youtube but it's it's out on social media he did a um we did like a male enhancement commercial and chris killed it oh yeah everybody should buy that yeah now it's it's so dumb i'm hearing a rumor is this true it this true? It's got a drawing of a penis on it? Yes, it does. Oh, thank God.

Yeah, it fell asleep at a party. That's all I got. What about you and Kitchenator? We're doing the season 12 finale of Take a Hike up in Runyon Canyon. He's hell bent on going in Runyon Canyon. He's helped Ben on going to Runyon every week, so we're going to Runyon

again for the big season finale. Love it. Yeah. I think he's saying it's where the dealer is. What? What? See you next episode.

Thanks, everybody. Bye. Thanks for listening to another episode of Nerd Poker. You can follow us at patreon.com slash nerd poker and you get bonus episodes from there and you can also uh send us anything at p.o box one six zero six nine encino california nine one four one six thanks for listening.