Nerd Poker - S4E34 The Shell's Lament

Episode Date: May 4, 2021

The Castaway Cuties approach Megalake Pangadon, which looms on the horizon. Unfortunately a gigantic depressed dragon turtle lies in the way. Should be easy to not irritate one of those, yeah? Yeah. No problem. Easy peasy.

Hey everybody, I'm Brian Pussain, Comedian, writer, actor, nerd. I've been playing D&D with my friends for a long time. I decided to do a new podcast where we play Dungeons & Dragons in my very own dining room. With my wife, kid, and my noisy dogs. So meet my friends Sarah, Kev, Dan, Lee, Chris. Now it's time for another episode of Brian Poussaint's Nerd Poker. Season 4. Hey, everybody.

I'm Brian Poussaint. You're listening to Brian Poussaint's Nerd Poker. It's episode 34, right? Looking at the faces. Yes. And all my friends are here. Look at them. Oh, my God.

Look at them. Hey, Dan. Oh, hi. A little hot. How are you? I'm hot, apparently. Thanks. Check it and see.

And then we've got Ken Tootie. What's up, buddy? Hi. How do you do? Good to see you, pal. Blaine. Hi, Brian. Blaine. Hi, Brian. Super hot.

Thanks. I've been working out. And Sarah, how are you? I'm good. How are you, Brian? I'm good. Good. I'm so glad to hear that.

And then we've got Chris over there. Hey, Brian. Listen, Sarah was talking to me before. She was saying some pretty mean things about you. I don't know what you're talking about. What the hell? Chris, shut up. And the upper left,

Sam, everybody. Hello, sweet children. Thanks, Bill. Thanks for being here. My pleasure. Dan, you got people you want to thank? Brian, I've got people I like to thank who support us on patreon and are at the hay boss and stargoyle tears uh unfortunately i just fucking touched some weird thing on my laptop's touchpad and now it's tabbed all over the place so i'm still

scrolling uh hey blaine what's what's uh the best joke that you have written down in front of you right now that you can just ruin right now? Oh, boy, this is muscles directly drained. This is muscles head food. If you don't want to listen to it, you don't want to listen to any muscles. Muscles directly drained. This is absolute war of head food. Woo-hoo. Dan?

Oh, my gosh thank you so much Blaine I am so close to being ready I would just like to thank some Patreon supporters who go by names like Grigsby Silverskin thank you Grigsby thank you Sean

Bryant he does art he does a whole bunch of it he does maps he does art he does a whole bunch of it yeah arts he does maps he does noodles he does it all thank you holy trunks uh oh and here comes a accusation thank you sarah's weighted dice what weighted against her i was say, waited in the wrong direction? Thank you, Bob Robb. Thanks, Rob. Thank you, David Feig.

Thank you, Wick Rotation. Gotta do it. Steven Terrell, thank you kindly. Thank you, Clay Carver. Thank you, Roland of Gilead. Thank you, Manfred Manthrax. Thank you, Morgan S. Henderson. Thank you, Tensors Gifts.

Thank you, Megan Bradburn. Thank you. Thank you, Nug Nugs Tug and Hug. Thank you. Scott Geeky. Thank you. Mangione's Flugelhorn of Blasting. Thank you. Gwilym. Thank you. Dave and

Glavin's not here, man. No, man. I'm Dave and Glavin. Finally, thank you. a whole vat of shaving cream and that's that's their whole name i bet there would have been more if there were more characters available for patreon usernames hey blaine who were those patreon supporters brought to us by all these sponsors are brought to you by eddie's edibles it's me eddie eddie's edibles we don't have vapes we don't have flowers it's all edibles my old lady's been making these brownies they have like this poo butter she makes this poo. She like, she like draws butter and then puts some kee-

and then when the brownies come out, she like puts the poo butter icing on it, has this poo butter icing. And if you have like half of one, you're like in a hospital. So anyway, come on down and get some of those poo butter brownies, they're awesome. Eddie's Edibles, 6970 Milftits Boulevard

right next to Big Dick's Drape and Carpet Warehouse Yeah, we're right next to Big Dick's I don't agree with your lifestyle Dan? Oh, thank you, Blaine and congratulations to our first 100 listeners who got to hear that before we had to remove the commercial

because of the music that was playing in the background Thank you i had it queued up to a different thing yeah as long as it isn't kid rock because that we actually had to edit out of an episode one time you know when i was we were working on uh at midnight dan you remember this we weren't we had a list of restaurants we were allowed to make fun of. That's why we always made fun of Sbarro. What was the one where we made fun of it and then they sent us like $300 worth of catering? Was that Buffalo Wild Wings? We attacked Cheesecake Factory.

We had a war with Cheesecake Factory. We started a war to get them to send us free food. Jesse Joyce wrote it. It was great. Did they send free food? They did. They made a big deal out of it. Oh, man. That's the best part of working on a TV show is there's so much food you feel the income inequality

flowing through your veins as you eat just piles and piles of craft service sandwiches. I've thrown away more food than I've eaten there. There's like $300 of Mike and Ike's just laying out there you're like well i think i've hit the big time it's like i went to the movies and it wasn't six dollars to

get this well on that note i would like to tell you all what happened last time on nerd poker the castaway cuties floated east down the peel and landed where a giant turtle times was sitting on the beach and they got its attention. So you guys have the attention of a giant dragon turtle, and I'm going to direct you to a little website called Roll20. So do you guys have the link handy uh if not i shall paste it in the chat just for kicks um i i am gonna say this thing is uh it's huge so you're doing okay and uh for a second you're gonna see a map of Davenglaven as I cycle the map do do do do do do do um but uh it's gonna be an

interesting fight I would say you guys realize right away that um your best move might be to uh utilize the scenery because this thing is um your best move might be to, uh, utilize the scenery because this thing is,

um, pretty gargantuan. Literally it is gargantuan. Um, you know, like, like bigger than the demon that just gave you a really hard time. So on the bright side, this is the thing that we saw that took our hard time. So, on the bright side... Are we certain that this is the thing that we saw that

took our boat down? Hey, you know what? Why don't you all do a goddamned insight check? Language. Oh, man. I love to swear. It's my favorite part of turning 18. Six.

Eighteen. Eight. Eleven. six 18 eight 11 what'd you get Danny in do do do do do do do I will say I have a if you rolled a six you do not know so we got an 18 though right

Danny Roblo yeah Nathan got 18 great someone got an 18 though right Danny Roblo yeah Nathan got 18 great so Nathan you're looking at this and you're like this is this is not the same turtle it doesn't look mutated at all

so is the turtle that attacked us the mate it's the mate time for another that's what I will shout out to everybody yeah I would say Nathan could piece that together sure okay then then maybe we can talk this through oh boy that's interesting

what uh let's let's go down the line. Tootie, what languages do you speak? I speak Dwarven and Common. Let's see. Yeah, Common and Dwarvish. What do you got for us, I have a paper bark. Common, Gnomish, Sylvan, and Thieves can't. Can't what?

Danny Yen, what languages do you speak? Common, Elvish, and Undercommon. Lovely. What about yourself, Jelf? Common, Elvish, Dragon Turtle, and recently widowed monster. Dragon Turtle and recently widowed monster. I will say,

as we get down to our last couple of folks, there are two languages this dragon does understand, so this is not impossible. Unfortunately... No. Except for Dragon Turtle was close. Drakonic? Drakonic?

Dragonborn? Drakonic. Burke knows orc and common, so he's not really good. Nathan. Nathan, do tell, what languages do you speak? Nathan speaks abyssal and common, and then he would remind everybody that he has the ability to speak with animals. Oh. That was what he was trying to do last time.

I don't know if that counts. This counts as a gargantuan dragon. So, yeah. What is that, Chris? That's an animal now? Oh, I think it's up to you. No, it's a creature, right? It's like a...

Yeah, I mean, animal is a beast i think specifically is the way dungeons and dragons typically talks about animals are their beasts but i was gonna say what about i can send message yeah message can you but does that have to be like the thing is message will arrive in its mind in the language that the speaker uh chooses but it doesn't translate to when the speaker doesn't speak. Got it. So like, it would be like,

you know, if you don't know Spanish, it would be like, if I was projecting Spanish in your mind, it would sound like Spanish and you wouldn't know what the hell was happening. Um, you can yell things at it.

You can, um, try to convey things, but it's, it's going to have a high dc and uh possibly be at disadvantage depending on what you're really trying to get across right now this thing oh go ahead i was just gonna what about command well let's see how the command works huh nothing about language in there well what are you going to do you speak a one word command to a creature and it must make a wisdom saving throw um but i think

the spell has no effect if the target is undead if it doesn't understand your language or if your command is directly harmful to it so it would not understand the language shit i mean i don't know i just was like oh does it know that the turtle's on the other side of the island or whatever? Right. I mean, do you guys have any sort of language, tongues kind of spells either that allows you to translate what you're saying? I have

comprehend languages, but it doesn't allow me to speak it. It allows me to understand it. Can you cast it on anyone other than yourself? Nope. Self. We picked all the wrong shit. Yeah.

Always. Well, can we ask the Mind Flayers if they... They're pretty gone. And they sure, you know, they're far enough distance away that you think they're seeing what's happening and just sort of shaking their heads. Um,

there's a chance they might try to fire off a volley of cannons on the way out, but, they're far enough away that by the time they got to you, you would already probably be either in combat or a lot can happen. So, uh, I'm giving you guys sort of one last chance to discuss amongst yourselves what happens

is this thing sort of roars and stomps its dragon paw flippers on the beach can we run? sounds like we should get the fuck out of dodge run into the bushes well you're allowed to

try but if you're running I am for sure having everyone roll for initiative. Initiative. Because this thing, even on land, pretty fast because it's enormous. Can you send a message that is a drawing, like an image? I don't think so. I think it's like a whisper. Just draw something and show it and do it.

That's why my number is so big. But I'll do that if I'm done. It's me whispering. You point your finger toward a creature within range and whisper a message. The target hears the message and can reply in a whisper that only you can hear. You can cast this through solid objects, magical silence, doesn't have to follow a straight line, can travel around corners. Okay. projects magical silence doesn't have to follow a straight line can travel around corners okay i'm gonna um i'm gonna i'm gonna um cast an illusion of a um it can't be any bigger than five feet but i'm gonna cast it like in front of the turtle's eyes and it's gonna be a it's going to be a it's going to be an illusion of a map of the continent and i'm

gonna and there's gonna be a drawing on the map of the turtle that sank our ship on the other side where we were like where we were sunk all right so what i'm gonna have you do is you're gonna roll uh a performance check with disadvantage um it's a dc of 12 and you gotta think there's there's not even like a high chance this thing knows what a map is but like the idea is it gets the basic gist. You're trying to communicate something important to it. Right. Okay. Well,

I rolled a 19 and then a 21. Wow. Holy shit. All right. Sarah, are you okay? Yeah. Speaking of weighted dice,

it looks like the prophecy is true. Uh, the, the dragon is like shake it's very confused uh it's like it's it's like looking at the image how long does the image last sarah i think it can last uh let's see uh one minute so uh it's it's hovering there you are you guys gonna bolt while this image hangs in the air yes all right uh i'm gonna need everyone to roll a deception check oh 17 minus 1 16 uh 11 8 i'm sorry 17 minus 1, 16. 11. 8. I'm sorry.

5. My days are unloaded. I got a natural plus 3. Nice. Great. Well, while Danny is a great liar, Tootie is, of course, too honest. And as you guys go to bolt tootie you just hesitate

like there's just like a moment like right before you turn where you're just sort of like thinking about what's going on in the dragon's mind is there maybe something else you can shout at the dragon and it just smashes through the illusion and starts uh stomping towards all of you guys it definitely realized you're trying to communicate. So you know, a precedent has been set for communication. So it would occur to everybody that even though combat may be about to ensue,

further communication can happen mid-combat. Everyone roll initiative, please. 11 plus 4 15 all right uh hey i'm gonna roll for burke burke uh has got a 6

nathan what'd you get 14 danny what'd you get 18 plus 3 21 lovely ivah what'd you get? 18 plus 3, 21. Lovely. Iva, what did you get? 11.

How about you, Tootie? 1, 1, 2. Plus 2. What? 1 plus 1. I'm sad that I rolled a load. I'm sad too, buddy, but I know what the hell was happening. 2.

All right. Cool. i'm sad too buddy but i don't know what the hell is happening all right um cool so uh up first we've got danny this this dragon turtle it seems like you might be able to um outrun it but it also seems like it's like a dragon so you guys are probably still vulnerable at this time it's it's uh it's also like close enough that it's it's like unclear if you're going to be able to get away and uh i'll leave you to it you can see where you are on the map compared to it are you just gonna run yeah i'm gonna use step of the wind I'm going to use a key point to I guess it oh no no I guess that's not what I wanted I must have something

where I can go faster running ha ha ha mm-hmm um F-elf stuff is there some sort of half elf stuff um

I'm unarmored movement or yeah because I'm not wearing armor um no um by 10 feet when you're not wearing armor or yeah okay great uh so your normal movement speed i think is already yeah you that's automatically calculated to what it probably says in your character sheet which is you can move 40 feet okay um well that's what i'll do uh well if you look at the map and i would love to describe this

visually for the listeners also i've currently got you the farthest west of the group um you can head north the trick is this thing looks like it can amble up over the rocks when it's turned or you can head west you'll go off the map here eventually, but first you're going to be climbing over rocks, which is rough terrain, and it's going to slow your movement speed because it's not the same as just smooth ground. Yeah, but Danny's going to use it to possibly hide behind some of these.

So, yeah, I'll scoot into the rocks. Great. So you can get about halfway through the middle of these. Okay. So if you want to move your guy about 20 feet in here, where I've got the little pink arrow right now. Right there? Yep.

Okay. And you're going to kind of hide? Well, do I get a second move? Could I move again for a second action or no? No, you don't get to use an action to move. Okay. You just get movement speed separate from actions. You can use your action to hide or yeah, that's true.

You can dash. So dash. so dash do do do do do do uh when you use dash action you gain extra movement um so up to 30 feet uh

you can go deeper into the rocks um sort of off map. I think I can do pass without trace. Let's see. Pass without a trace. Or maybe I should do that as my second action.

Do eyes without face. Well, yeah. It's hiding basically, right? Pass without a trace, I think. That's not an action i don't think okay what are you gonna say chris sneaking yeah i think it's a bonus i think it's a spell oh cantrip yeah uh yeah it is a spell um you can use that as your action um you have two attacks per action but you don't have an extra action so for now that you're hidden

you can or you're partially hidden you can use your action to properly hide which will kind of put you behind the scenery out of the dragon yeah i'd love to do that um or you can go farther into the rocks or you can uh use a step without a trace i'll. I'll hide where I am. Great. Do a stealth check, please. Fucking low. 11. All right.

So that is against one of its roles. you're not sure if you're hidden but you sure try you duck underneath one of the larger rocks there just to the west of everybody okay um and yeah those those rocks they lead into like some sheer uh cliffs and stuff like that you can keep going up them but you guys will uh eventually be exposed uh top, and you'll be out of combat, essentially. So what I'll do is I'll take you to the far edge of that map. And if you're able to, like, you do some long-range attacks, you will be able to pull them off, and you'll probably be mostly out of the way of this gargantuan turtle,

provided it doesn't breathe fire or lightning or something. Oh, great. But who knows in the world of nerdy times. Hey, Jelf, you're up. I'm going to cast Longstrider on myself. It's a little

thing I get from my thing. You get it for your thing? Yeah, I have a thing that I have. Yeah. I get a thing that I have. Yeah, it's... I get a couple of little arcane spells because of my elfiness and stuff and my arcane archer thing. So I'm going to do a long strider

just adds 10 feet to my striding, I guess. Okay. And then... Which direction are you going to take that? Which, I mean, we're all going in the same direction, right? Are you going to follow Danny? I don't know if you guys have established what the plan is.

Yeah, let's just get as quickly and get as far away as quickly as possible. Most efficient way to get out of here, like not climbing up rocks or anything, just direct crows as the crow runs away well if you the the mega lake pangadon is northwest sort of through this green here where i've got the arrow on the map sort of up and to the left um the way danny's going is sort of up a cliff and he's hidden in rock so he's hidden and he can eventually climb the cliff but uh it's not as the crow flies like it's it's he's he's avoiding things pretty well but there's a chance he could get pinned there and it's not towards the ultimate goal okay so there's no magic direction you can just sort of go and you got to kind of help me out here and look at the map okay so i'm gonna try to uh i'm gonna try to move up this direction i'm gonna hug these uh these cliffs

here but move really quick i'm gonna try to you know yeah zigzag around a little bit as much as i can and just kind of keep just get get uh up and away and out of here are you attacking are you gonna you use you use long stride i kind of don't yeah i kind of don't want to uh uh shoot anything to attract any attention to where we are right now even though he knows where we are great okay uh up you go up next in the turn order is nathan all right n Nathan is going to turn to Iva and hold out his paw and go, run. I'm going to cast Invisibility at third level, which is something I can do now, which basically turns me and Iva both invisible. Awesome. Dope. Basically, that lasts until either one of us attacks or casts a spell.

It's a concentration thing for me for up to an hour. So once I've done that, I'm going to start running while invisible, following sort of Jelfin, Danny's lead. And I will go... I put little ninja icons on you both. Cool. I'll go one, two, and maybe I'll keep a hand on Iva. Are we still holding hands?

Not to pull her, but I want to give her the sense of this is the way that i'm moving she can go wherever she wants to go but i don't want it to be like a mystery what i did i want i want so as i'm running sort of northwest i'm sort of passing behind her and then to her left and just so she feels me so she so i go, two, three, four, five, six. Because I'm a rabbit, seven. And I'll hug these stones and brush to the west. Okay.

Cool. And that'll be your turn? That's it. Lovely. Up next, we have iva um so i was gonna ask about the the boots of speed remember those boots of speed it says that it doubles my walking speed would that also then double like would i be able to to dash farther or anything or is it just oh great okay so i'm gonna go ahead and put on those boots click my heels together and then run dash whatevs okay that is um in the direction that nathan went so how many squares can i go then

uh let's see what is your normal running speed? 25 walking speed. Okay, so you're up to 50. You are short in stature, so that would make sense that they would limit that, I guess. So you're going to be able to go, yeah, pretty far. You can surpass Nathan if you want, or you can get up into the rocks behind him towards that cliff. I'm going to go here. I'm going to go so there were more spread out i guess great i can see why that would be beneficial is that with dash and the boots uh

with the with dash you do add more to it um do do do do dash you can increase uh by the same amount so that's another 25 feet you can move okay i can't see what's behind there i guess but it's like it's like 12 and a half you can add if you yeah like you wouldn't her dash be doubled the same way that her regular movement was doubled

uh yeah that's true so you can run a hundred feet yeah you you you're fucking zipping around so what's on the yeah so so up until and i'm going to paint on the map right about where you are it's just one square north i'm saying that's sort of like where the cliff ends so like here it's more open ground and then uh you see there's a jungle sort of the Northwest, but it's a few hundred feet away. If you were to go there, I would just put you at the edge of the map and we would make a note of about

how far away you are, but you feel like this dragon turtle is not going to go too much past its little sitting cove. Right. It's so big. It's going to definitely be able to get off uh some attacks on you as you flee it's really about getting getting out of uh its immediate range and all that so um okay well i'm invisible so i'm just gonna stay on the edge here to be able to

counter-attack if he starts going for these guys and you're not doing anything else no i'll just i'm gonna yeah great yeah you can really zip around now you're you guys are starting to enjoy uh what i would call powerful abilities so it's fun to see you go up against a big fucker like this up next we have you huh fun for me you it's fun yeah as opposed to orcus. Oh, man. Boy, oh, boy. Let's just say I have stats for Orcus.

So, you are going to now experience it's the Tert's turn. So, here come the Tert. Sounded grosser than I was expecting. Brian, you were in that movie weren't you which movie here comes the turt that was part three oh fun yeah you were like the radio guy

oh my god you killed brian with your joke the uh dragon turtle sees that Burke and Tootie are kind of lagging behind and it uses all of its movement to lurch up onto the cove right there. Which isn't that far. I don't like the way that whole thing moved. But yeah, it went like up and it slams its shell down on the edge of the rocks there. It is, let's see, now going to kick its head back again. You guys all saw it roar last episode.

It's horrible giant tongue wagging in the wind. horrible giant tongue wagging in the wind and now you're going to notice it exhales scalding steam in a 60 foot cone directed at Tootie and Burke

I'm going to need you guys to do a constitution saving throw all of us no just Burke and Tootie unfortunately and Burke botched his All of us? No, just Berk and Tootie, unfortunately. Oh, okay, sorry. And Berk botched his constitution saving throw. I'm going to use a lucky point.

Yeah! Oh, boy. Let's see if that helps. It did not. So, uh... You need DC 18. You can lock it up again. Yeah, I'll do it. Are we at 18?

Yeah. Alright, let me do it again. This is gonna kill me. Oh my god. It looks like I'm gonna be using all my lucky points. Holy shit. Oh my god. Blaine, what was this horrible luck for Tootie

brought to us by? Yeah, three strikes. Pigeon your breath with pigeon up, pigeon up, the gum that goes pigeon up. Alright, so I used all my luckies

and didn't roll well enough 14 you rolled 4 times and you got a 14 wow now um this is where it gets weird

so uh this is it's only attack this round but it is uh 15 d6 so because i don't own 15 six-sided dice uh here in sacramento at least there's i have some dice in storage uh down in la that i i would bust out for an occasion like this i'm gonna hold my phone up to the camera so you can all watch this live. Here's 15 six-sided dice on my app. Can you see the number? No. Dan, it's a one. Go ahead and delete it.

Well, I just deleted it. What a great call. Okay, so this is going to be 45 points of fire damage. Yikes. Surprise. Tootie, you love fire, though. I really do.

Not anymore. Ha ha. Yeah. I mean, you see. Burke just kind of like goes like trying to like like brace himself from being blown backwards and he fails and he goes flying backwards uh into the water uh far behind cool refreshing water um and so he just sort of disappears behind you two do you just see him whale back how many hit points do you have some more left okay well uh you didn't botch so uh you don't blow out of the water but yeah this this thing just absolutely uh scalds your flesh and it feels horrible.

Could have gone worse for sure. But you guys just see this thing like totally rake him and as the breath dies down, you can tell Tootie's skin is a sort of deep purple color. Tootie, was that the color of your skin before? No. So that's new of your skin before? No.

Hmm. So that's new. Sir, pale beige. Oh, you've been poached, but now you look like grimace. Uh,

Burke uses his turn to swim to the shore. Um, that's about it. He gets, he gets back up behind you 2D. So he's, he's visible. He's,

he's about 10 feet away. But he's behind you, and it's Tootie's turn. I am going to dash over to where Danny is. There-ish. Right. So that'd... You dash. Yeah, you can use dash to sort of uh hide in there too is that what you're you're trying to do yeah get down below great do a stealth check for us please well it's not like he doesn't know where i am

visually if you can do like a little stick and move and then duck and on that that's gonna be a roll you know it's gonna get a hide look i'm not happy about any of this alright let's still the nine you don't feel like you lost its attention which is of course going

to be difficult regardless. Up next, we've got Danny. So Danny, you're like peeking over the rocks. You feel like you're reasonably well hidden, but you see Tootie just get absolutely annihilated by this steam breath. He survives and kind of like trucks over to you. As he ducks behind

the rocks near you you watch the dragon turtle just sort of like trace his movement and follow right to where you guys are okay um now

you can go higher up on those cliffs to the west but it's gonna be an athletics check cause it's close to I'm gonna scoot towards Nathan and I'm gonna tell Tootie to follow me you trying to stealth it over there? yeah as much as I can

I'm gonna stay close to the rocks definitely gonna need a stealth check for this one okay gonna need a stealth check for this one. Okay. And I know like in the graphic here, there's not like as many rocks as he goes north there on the little path, but we're gonna say it's rocky enough. If he does good on this stealth check, he is hidden behind some rocks. I did great. The roll

was 16 and there's a plus 5, so 21. Oh, great. So yeah. You know, you you So yeah, you don't, you, um, you're, you're not, are you picking 2d up? Cause you can use some of your movement to like drag 2d.

Oh, well, yeah, I would love to help him. Yeah. Cause let's, let's see. Um,

you're, you have to go, uh, to catch up to Nathan is what's your movement speed. Is it 30? Oh, you go 40, yeah so yeah if you have you have your movement speed right when you're you're carrying him you can get right up to behind nathan if you're if you fucking pick 2d up and haul him over there okay cool that's what they do okay so you uh you feel like you maybe 2d just got lucky because danny

wraps his loving arms around you picks you up like a barrel and kind of like sneaks between the rocks ninja style while the dragon's head is fixed where you were about 20 feet behind you uh which of course unfortunately at this point, Burke is pretty exposed. But, yeah, you're starting to do a little better, and so I'm going to move your icons up right about where I think you'd be, which is like

there, if you look at the map. Like it. So, for the listeners, the dragon turtle is taking up the entire center of the map uh but we'll call it the middle 70 of the map and it's fucking huge it's one of the biggest things we've fought i think yeah yeah easily uh and and burke is sort of isolated at

the bottom the rest of you are about 50 feet west of it jelf is still a little exposed but um uh i think he said he was moving so i think i gotta move his token for him because i think blaine maybe you were gonna use long strider to go somewhere yeah i'm just i'm hugging i'm uh moving up i guess i'll i think you're more like there does that look about right uh yeah i would yeah i'm like kind of trying to move up like up up here someplace yeah i don't think you can go you can't go quite as far as you just went if you want to bring it back down and right right about yeah yeah because you had to climb to get in there um but i'm i'm staying on the ground and just going as fast as i can basically uh iva's

made it really far north because she is a speed demon now she's got otherworldly magical speed and stealth happening and so she's zipped right up there and everyone else is kind of like stealthily making their way up now especially because danny just did uh such a great little pickle barrel carry through the rocks with tootie but burke is pretty exposed and on that note we're gonna go ahead and move down the turn order to Jelf. What are you going to do now, Jelf? I just moved up to here. So now you're getting closer to...

You can go farther. So you're quick enough. Yeah, you can get like right above where that rock is. Okay. And I'm just kind of... I'm just keeping my eye... I'm running as fast as I can and keeping an eye on him

to make sure he's not locking onto me. And I have some arrows ready. I'll need a stealth check from you, sir. You'll get one. Oh! Thank God. 15 plus 4, 19. His eyes are still locked on where 2D ducked behind the rock pretty far behind you guys.

So there you go. Stealth achieved. Hey, Nathan, guess what? Your invisible bunny butt is up. I'm dashing north and west. All right. So you're kind of like going up into the cliffs or kind of up where Iva is. I mean, I don't know exactly where Iva is.

But yes, I mean, that direction, I'm trying to get the fuck out of here. Great. I think, especially as I see Danny and Tootie coming up almost equally alongside me i feel like okay we're getting out of here so i'm going to keep going cool and you're not going to do anything other than uh just run invisibly because then it'll destroy my invisibility cool then move your uh token for me please one two five six and if i'm dashing i'm assuming if i'm moving north and west it moves me off the map i mean i feel like i'd be up here and further west somewhere are you like looking for iva with with uh your sort of hands in the invisible dark as it were or are you just trying to dash

i mean yeah i mean i know she's invisible i turned her invisible so i know she's there so i guess i'm definitely kind of. Yeah, do a do a perception check. Okay. Oh, natural one plus three, four. Yeah, no invisible hugs for Nathan and Iva, unfortunately. Invisible hugs. He says to the nothing.

Um, it's so soft. You think you hear this? I have a nearby in a strange whisper. Uh, but that'll do it for you, sir. And I've,

it is your turn. Okay. I am going to, um, move where I need to in order to do what I'd like to. Man, I didn't know Dungeons and Dragons was this simple. It's great. Well, because I have a lot of movement right now.

It looks like I can't get... Basically, I want to... Man. I'm going to cast cast minor illusion again and this time i'm going to imitate the sound which i heard so i should be able to imitate in the minor illusion of the of the turtle the um its mate or whatever oh okay um so the map is going to disappear if it hasn't already but um yeah so i want to make that sound coming from like behind if you know as much as possible sort of like out out to see what's the water what's the distance on this it's only it's only 30 feet so that's why i was trying to figure

out it's fine if i can make it sound kind of like faint but i'm just trying to figure out where you're going like right up to it as close as you can so you can kind of i mean i was no i was here but i have like 100 feet of movement i can't tell if i can get like on the beach you know to make it no i mean you're basically you can do it over its left shoulder it's if you look at where i'm pinging on the map its head is right here right now so you can do you can cast it over its shoulder sort of right there no no oh i could go there and cast it well you can walk there and cast it even farther behind it but you got to walk there if it's only three yeah i'm gonna do yeah i'm good that's what i'm gonna do yeah okay i mean

what then you got to do it kind of behind it yeah but like what if i went like up this way then yeah you could then you could cast it like on the beach behind it but you'd have to go all the way up there to the north yeah i want i basically want to get as far you know i have yeah i can get super far as so to get it as far out as i can yeah i mean you can definitely just run way the hell up the beach and do it i'll uh just put your token sort of on the edge of the map where you're running. Note to self, make a larger map for Iva next time. Small legs, but they carry me far.

Yeah, I know. You're doing some total fucking Hanna-Barbera leg shit happening right now. Please do a deception check as the roar of its mutated mate echoes across the beach. And the crowd and the smell of the grease paint. I am going to use a lucky luck point and try that one again.

You said deception? Yes. God damn it. 13. Wow. god damn it uh 13 hmm well you the the roar explodes across the beach and you notice

the dragon sort of cock its head to the side uh and all of you are on tenderhooks wondering what's about to happen and we'll find out what does happen on the next episode oh man nerdy pokes hey sam what do you think happened one episode 34 we're gonna battle this turtle that's how we do uh we cast an illusion but it stomped right on through it we're scurrying around some rocks hiding just doing

sneaky shit the dragon turtles hot in our heels and hooves, shooting flames. I am scared for Burke. I feel like I see a lot of myself in him. The dragon singed Tootie's buns, and Danny did a classic pickle barrel run. And finally, Blaine's going the direction the crow runs is a wonderful addition to our new motivational nerd poker, motivational set with Sarah's aim for the eyes. At least he'll be among the head. Freehaw. Cool. set with sarah's aim for the eyes at least you'll be among the head pre-haul cool nice job dan hey you know i plug my twitch uh stand-up show every week so i feel like the thing i did a twitter poll once i was told people don't know how the fuck to even watch

something on twitch and that's the main reason people who follow me on Twitter say that they haven't tuned in yet. So let me tell you, if you go to that URL, I said, or if you click it, when I do it on Twitter, you just watch it. You don't need the app on your phone or nothing. It'll take you right to it. It live streams on your computer or your phone. If you follow me on Twitter, it'll be right there at 7 PM. Or if you go to that URL, it'll just be right there. You don't need an account. You can just hang out. It's super lazy. It's meant to be lazy.

It's a platform where people lazily play video games and talk over it. And I'm on there trying to do stand-up like two other people, I guess. Not a lot of people doing what I do. But I would love if you would watch what I do. Because it fills the void of me doing three open mics a week. And I'm happy to be doing an hour of standup once a week, even if it is just me and my girlfriend's dad's office. That'll,

that'll be enough for me. What are you up to, Brian? Excuse me. Grandpa's metal, grandpa's metal stash on gimme metal every Tuesday. And then I got a thing through RushTix.com

like Rush like Limbaugh and then T-I-X I'm doing a May the 4th show and you can guess what it's going to be about. Star Trek. I haven't asked people from this show to do it but

I will be No, hold on. I haven't asked people from this show to do it, but... I will be... No, hold on. I haven't asked anybody yet, but... Son of a... There will be people from this show on this show. Sarah, I cannot wait to hear your Star Wars joke. She's going to do Harry Potter jokes. But it's going to be fun be fun mike trucker very funny

mike trucker he and i just started writing this thing we're gonna make it a really fun show there's gonna be stand-up but there's also gonna be like um like desk pieces i'm gonna do it like i'm like i'm hosting like a late night talk show about star wars. So, and I'm going to involve as many friends as I can and special names coming up. But May the 4th, RushSticks.com. There will already be tickets. By the time you hear this, there will be tickets on sale for that. But it should be really fun.

A live stream show. Super nerdy about Star Wars. That's all I got. Awesome. Sweet. Thanks for Oh, Blaine. Please.

Me and Stacy are doing a sketch on Gutfeld next week. It's pretty funny. Never Thanks for listening. Thanks for listening. Thanks for listening to another episode of NerdPoker. You can follow us at

patreon.com slash nerdpoker and you get bonus episodes from there. And you can also send us anything at P.O. Box 16069 Encino, California 91416 Thanks for listening.