Nerd Poker - S4E35 Turtle Skirmish

Episode Date: May 10, 2021

You'd have thought the Castaway Cuties might wanna level up a little more before taking on another Dragon Turtle, but hey in their defense they WERE trying to sneak by. Hopefully their new orc tour guide won't get smushed in the process of them running away! Oh and yes this is one of the sillier openings of an episodes in a while. We start playing Dungeons and Whatever eventually, promise.

Hey everybody, I'm Brian Poussin, Comedian, writer, actor, nerd. I've been playing D&D with my friends for a long time. I decided to do a new podcast where we play Dungeons & Dragons in my very own dining room. With my wife, kid, and my noisy dogs. So meet my friends... Sarah Kev Dan

Lee Chris Now it's time for another episode of Brian Poussaint's Nerd Poker. Season 4. Hey, everybody. I'm Brian Poussaint. You're listening to Brian Poussaint's Nerd Poker. It's episode 35, you guys.

We did it. We're going to wrap it up today. This is the last one. What? No. My friends are here and they seemed really surprised by that information. Look at them. There's Dan. Hey buddy. Oh, hello. How are you? I'm good. Happy to see you, bro. And there's Sarah. How are you doing? Okay. I just hit my funny bone on my chair and i hate it it's not a good feeling it's the opposite of funny no it's it's a fucker i hate it uh there's a ken he yes he hates funny bones wearing an hh home shirt well known well-known hater of funny bones ken daly everybody uh in the middle look at

him he's so funny he's so delightful it's my friend blaine compatch everybody oh hi i didn't know i was in the middle circle gets the square it sure does for five guys the company the burger place that's what I told the security guards easy on the fries

Chick-fil-a not as much then we've got Chris in the upper left what's up Chris hey Brian how are you? Just working on my remote control funny bone hitter. Sounds like it's working pretty well. You're so evil. You seem like the nicest guy, but you're actually really, really terrible.

Like the funny bone. Secret bad boy, Chris Tallman. Secret bad boy, Chris Tallman. And bringing Billy Joel to the table. And only in a way only he can, you guys. It's Sam, everybody. Hello, sweet children. What's up, dude?

Hi, stranger. That's a Billy Joel thing, right? What's up, glass houses? Right glass houses right guys nice got me good what about fucking bullshit in an italian restaurant right yeah yeah what about i'm moving down that's my favorite billy joel song pizza town you guys know that one bullshit talks about all the people that live in Pizza Town. It's a town where they only eat pizza, and it's actually made of pizza. Wow. And yeah, it's the best Billy Joel song.

I like Pizza Town Girl. I like that Billy Joel B-side called Enemy's List, where he just like, without any melodies whatsoever, goes over all the people who've wronged him. God, I wish that was a real thing. I would actually come out. It was during his alcoholic years. You should check it out. It's really... It's so weird to keep trying to pretend

that Billy Joel is not awesome. It takes a lot out of you, I'm sure. Have you seen the Gail Simone, James Gunn fight on Twitter? It's fucking beautiful. About Piano Man? Yeah, Gail Simone hates fucking Billy Joel. Specifically Piano Man. She says it's the worst

song ever made. It's a very hateable song. I love Billy Joel. It's a hateable song. Yeah, next to Feelings. It's fine. All of it's fine. There's so much worse pop music. Why get mad at him? No, I know. She says We Built This City is a far superior song and James Gunn couldn't go there.

We could have brought this up when she was here and we could have talked it out. No, I think it's more We were trying too hard to impress Gail Simone. I don't think any of us

wanted to go. I was going to say she seemed so nice but I feel like that was in her face. No, she's the best but she trolls her fans constantly.

Yeah, oh my God. I love the way she trolls people. It's so fucking funny. She likes Star Trek and stuff like that. Yeah. It makes fun of, uh,

you know, like what's the one character? Oh, Cyclops. X-Men Cyclops. She, she talks about Cyclops is the worst superhero ever. And she'll,

but, but she loves to set people up like with a poll is like, who's your favorite X-Men? And then she'll list three X-Men. And then the fourth one will be like night Ranger. And you're like, like wait what the fuck the best is she does like Batman questions like she doesn't know

who Batman is but she wrote Batman yeah yeah cause it's all those characters around Batman yeah like very common for her yeah she knows her shit but then she acts like she doesn't and it's fucking hilarious she has a famous take down nerds have to nerdsplain her and then she acts like she doesn't. It's fucking hilarious. She has a famous take down.

Nerds have to nerdsplain her, and then she'll fucking destroy them. Yeah, she famously shut down a Punisher guy. I was like, do you know who I wrote Punisher? Which one of us wrote Punisher? It was me. She's great. She's great. And she's a bear.

Yeah. Let's get in. Dan, who do we thank? Oh, my God. I'm going to tell people, and I just want to announce just for personal satisfaction, this is the first time I've ever had the spreadsheet open before you asked me. So there's going to be just a complete lack of stalling. No way to go but up.

We're in 2021. We're really gelling. I'm going to clap for 10 minutes. I really appreciated that. Thank you. We're gelling as a show, finally. I'm going to clap for 10 minutes. I really appreciated that. Thank you. We're gelling as a show finally. I feel like we got that.

We're almost there. It's real hard. Those Rocky six years out of the way. Coming. I know. Like living in Sark's shadow, having to go ahead and just Dungeon Master nine times more episodes than him before finding my footing. But I got there. but I got there. But I got there.

I would like to thank Patreon supporters in general, first of all. Thank you, anyone who can support us on Patreon. Even for Nickel, you guys are darling, and you keep us all paid, sane, and nerdy. For reals. Thanks for the Nickels. Oh, my goodness. Thank you so much.

But this is a special segment where we thank people at the Hayboss and Stargoyle Tiers. They go by names like Sean Allen. Thank you, Sean Allen. Thanks, Sean. Thanks, Ben Feltz. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you, Driftwood Daddy D.

Thank you. DDD. We got some fans of previous season player characters. Thank you, TikTokDD? We got some fans of previous season player characters. Thank you, TikTok's Safety Rocket. Ooh, what would that be? I think they're talking about your junk. Thanks, Greedo's Neato Speedo Torpedo.

That is talking about his junk. That one feels pretty deliberate. Thank you, Fathomless Warlock Senpei Does Hente. Nice. Okay. Thank you, FathomlessWarlockSenpaiDoesHente. Nice. Okay. Thank you, IdResponse. Thank you. Thank you, NewBitty.

Thanks, NewBitty. Thank you. Thank you, BigAudioDolemite. Good one. Good one. Thank you, Sam'sCreepPeepsWhileQueepSleeps. Some of these sound like they're just meant to fuck me up. Sam just popped into Creep Peep on Zoom.

Oh, I missed it because I was in the browser tab. Was the shirt off or on? I'll leave it to your imagination. Oh, come on, Sam. Let's see them pecs. He had four shirts and then he took them all that's this is not that's my imagination yeah i feel like that he showed you his i just sam this has nothing to do with his billy joel shirt off and it had a billy joel suck shirt

underneath uh that's my bad i love sarah paulson um thank you i I used Dan's DM voice to start my morning meeting on Monday, and now everyone thinks I'm an a-hole. Or awesome. You're a mushroom cow. Something's going on with mushrooms. Everybody hang on for a second. Just kidding. I'll keep going.

There's a question. What's Blaine's kid's nickname? What? Thank you. Allie Allie Boballie. Thank you. Just kidding. I'll keep going. That's a question. What? Thank you. Allie Allie Boballi. Thank you. 15 miles to Rorschach. There's a little old place. Thank you.

Thank you to Roll to Check Nathan for Leeches again. That was super fun. Hey. Thank you, Lucan541. yeah lucan lucan is a moderator on my twitch uh channel he's also a wolf boy uh that's like in 541 thank you richard herrera thank you i don't like this at all thank you ramen's spicy noodle oh dear

maybe it's just the name of his restaurant thank you thank you ramen's spicy noodle thank you duke double jump deuce drop do you remember first season of South Park the red rocket thing

I fucking couldn't believe they did that like and I was like double jump, deuce drop. Do you remember first season of South Park, the Red Rocket thing? I fucking couldn't believe they did that. And I was like, I'll like this show forever because they just showed a dog dick. That's the bar. If you're asking where Brian Hussain's That's all it takes. Fan for him. What, they got dog dicks?

Get a lot of people walking up to you, showing you their dog dick. That's why I love 60 Minutes. Oh, boy. Turkey's done. Thank you. What's it say? Joe Biden's dog's lipstick missile?

No, that's something I made up. Thank you, Zach Mouadouib. Thanks, Zach. Thank you, finally. Thank you, finally. Thank you. Finally, Iraqi Shoe Chucker. Thank you. Remember the news.

Remember when the news was fun. Oh, man. That was the finest insurrection of them all, wasn't it? Although it wasn't technically. It was another country doing it. Hey, Blaine. Who were those kind Patreon supporters

brought to us by? Miss Construzies. A dance club and a quiet lounge. Coming down to Miss Construzies. We're open 24 hours. Sometimes on the weekends, but we close.

Holidays. Come on around. Early for brunch. We're shutting it all down. Dance all night. Get some read done. Misconstruezy. Early easy access into the downtown by the airport.

Misconstruezy's. A dance club and a quiet lounge. Dan. I'm not sure what just happened there. I enjoyed it. Did I hear the lyrics? You don't have to wear clothes? I didn't.

No. Maybe I misheard. I just know that it's a dance club and a quiet lounge. Listeners, you're hearing this, of course. I don't know that that would work. I wouldn't be an investor in Miskin's jerseys. I would. I'm heading to the nightclub now.

I'm glad they're promoting themselves on our show. I just re-watched the video. We have video, folks, of the clip of Blaine doing his Big Dicks Carpet and Drapes commercial. That one's become legendary, an instant legend. Oh, my God. I instant legend. Oh my God. I cried laughing at Brian crying laughing. Oh Lord. Oh, Jiminy Cricket.

Grant, my wish. No, that's a blue fairy. It doesn't matter. That was really funny. I hope the ghosts of my parents know how proud I am of Milftits Avenue. I think it was the dildo district that really brought it home. I think it's a combo for me.

Personally, it's the way they all came together. You know it was a good commercial if, I think his name is Benjamin, the guy who runs the NerdPoker quotes Twitter account does a full Twitter thread of like eight tweets outlining word for word Blaine's entire commercial. Like he sat at his computer going, oh, I got to rewind and get the rest of that.

Transcribe it. Transcribe it. Pretty great. Let's play some Dungeons and also Dragons. I refuse. Just kidding. I'm going to instead tell you what happened last time on some Patreon members Monday morning meeting.

That's right. Just narrating your Monday morning meeting. Welcome to conference room 610 on the sixth floor. Over here we've got paper cups and a variety

of celestial seasoning teas. Mostly mint and chamomile are left because no one drinks those during work hours. Uh, what show is this? You guys, the

Castaway Cuties, we're on your way to Mega Lake Pangadon in the hopes of finding a mythical hammer touched by the draconian god Bahamut himself. However, on the way there you had to sneak by a mournful dragon turtle and you made just a tad too much noise. So you're mid combat. I've a paper bark created the illusion of its mutated mate. What for it mourns off into the distance in the ocean.

We take you now to the, did it succeed or not? Part of that spell. Hey, Sarah, can you, um, yes, Now to the did it succeed or not part of that spell. Hey, Sarah. Can you... Yes. You froze just at the end of that for me, at least. Did I freeze for anybody else?

No. Okay. Sarah, I'm afraid you kicked your internet cord, but I will just go ahead and simplify this. Not a big deal. Just talking about how you cast that illusion. Yeah, I cast it as a sound, right? Yeah, you were trying to make the sound of its mutated beholder mate

off into the ocean. And we did the rolls involved, but can you just, because it's been a week, remind listeners how that illusion goes exactly? How it goes uh basically i can create the sound a sound or a voice that i have heard before so the idea was that i had heard it before and so i was just gonna throw it as far past it which is not far but i went i went as close as i could um to the yeah you got like right up to it. Yeah.

If everyone is in Roll20, you'll be able to engage in this. So I'm going to go ahead and drop the link in chat. I see we've only got me, Ken, and Chris at the moment. My internet is problematic right now. Yeah, well, you know, no worries, Sarah. I can just... Your IVA token is already way up at the edge of the map so um if you want i can take a screen gap and text it to you and you don't

have to log into roll 20 because i know it does eat up some bandwidth well i'm trying but it's okay i don't need it right now i guess but um i'll be right there dan you'll be right where you're texting her a picture no i'll be right into roll 20 oh beautiful thanks uh so yeah you guys uh are sort of mid combat um there is what is that blob there's like a weird blob on the dragon turtle did i do this i think it's i think it's a map that's been reduced down to the size of a token. I deleted it. You guys aren't supposed to see that map yet.

Wink. Someone was preparing. Oh no! Yeah, the dragon turtle token is very large and he's kind of confined he or she they is confined into the cove a little bit so uh i was sort of at the north edge of the map a few hundred feet away but she ran right up to the like as close as she could get and cast it to the east

right up to the like as close as she could get and cast it to the east where the ocean is um and you guys all see it kind of like turn and stare it's it's still its body is still kind of facing north but its neck is now stretched out and crooked off to the east so it's not breaking combat but it's very distracted at the moment. Blaine, it is now your turn in the combat order. Can I shoot an exploding arrow into its exposed turned neck, please? Oh boy, you can sure try. Wouldn't that be a treat?

You're actually at the perfect place to do so. You're due west of this thing and its neck is exposed to the northwest. And I think I get two attacks right? So I'm going to do it twice. 16 That is a miss so far.

Sorry, I'm just, that's before I add anything. 20 That is a hit. And that does a... Sorry, I'm looking up a thing. Oh, thank you for apologizing. Dungeons and Dragons, you guys.

This is my first time. I've played a lot of GURPS and a lot of Car Wars, but never Dungeons and Dragons, you guys. Car Wars? I remember Car Wars. I did a lot of Gamma World. I remember GURPS. Have you hunted the Wumpus? That's it, the Wumpus.

Mugwumpus from something. I don't know. Drunk and tired. Yeah, you get two attacks per action. Second plus four is eleven. Sorry. Eleven plus four is 11. Sorry. 11 plus two. So 13 on one arrow.

And then I'm going to take another shot at him. 18 plus four, so 22. Great. And I'll do... And that does nine plus... Rolling those damage dice 9 plus 9 is 18

Great okay that's pretty good Hopefully I hit his turtle artery It definitely hurt really bad it is now Oh It's still focused off to the East. I did a roll. Wow. Good. Uh, that'll bring us, I'm saying a lot and I don't care for it. That brings us, uh,

cut them out. Jeff, are you going to, you're going to scurry around? You're going to do anything else? I'm going to try to maybe if, which I want to stay out of its line of sight so maybe I'll move down here a little bit. Okay. Or where is everybody else moving? Are we all trying to get up to the north? We're trying to head up north. Okay, then I'll just... I'm trying to head up this

way, yeah. Okay, then I'm just going to head up to here. And I have long strider so I'll be... I'm trying to head up this way, yeah. Okay, then I'm just going to head up to here. And I have long strider, so I'll zip up there. All right, so are you trying to avoid being seen at all? Yes, I'm elfin' it up. I can do a... Do-do-do. I thought I had some sort of a blending in kind of a thing.

I do have a... Well, you can hide. I also have a pass without trace. But I'm not going to bother with that. I'm just going to move really fast and try to stay out of his line of sight. I'll stay low. Up next, we've got Nathan. Hey of sight. I'll stay low. Okay. Up next, we've got Nathan. Hey, Nathan, it's your turn to play Mortal Kombat? No Dungeons & Dragons. Yeah, Nathan's just going to keep running

away. Okay. You're going to head north with everybody else? Well, I don't really see, like, is it better to go north, or is it better to start heading west? Can we cut west at all to get away from this thing? There's just a longer period before you hit any trees.

Yeah. It can be an open plain a little bit. From where I am on my marker, I'm still, like, sort of somewhere far off the map already. I'm, like, sort of north and west of that spot. You're just booking it west. I'm trying to get away from that thing. Great. So I'll use my action to dash. So, uh, move a two total of 70 feet away from that thing.

Great. Uh, I've, uh, you're up. Um, same, I guess. I'm just going to book it towards the trees. I think I got the turn order a little goofed, but we're going to stick with it. You're going to just keep booking it? Yeah, I'm heading with everybody else to cover. Okay. Hopefully.

That brings us to the dragon turtle. Uh, that brings us to the dragon turtle. Um, it sort of shakes off, uh, the, the distraction for a little bit. Um, it does turn all the way to the east for a moment and kind of like lean and listen. And then it starts looking back and forth. You guys are all pretty far away, except for Burke, your orc assistant who is off to the south trying to haul himself back up

onto the beach. He's kind of looking rough down there. You managed, Danny managed to get Tootie up into the rocks, hidden a little bit. They're the only two who are in immediate danger. The rest of you have gotten pretty far out of combat range.

Burke, however, is in trouble, and the dragon turtle notices. So it is going to attempt to just, like, spray more of its sort of horrible volcanic steam in his direction. Okay. He is gonna take

fair bit of damage, but he's not down. He flies backwards again. He did that last time. He got hit with it and just sort of put his hands up. I'm flying! Trying to hold his position. Yeah. He's just getting nailed by this thing. It's kind of brutal to watch.

Up next, we've got Burke, who you just don't see him. You don't know what he's doing, but you don't see him. And then we've got 2D. 2D, it's you. It's your turn to shine. Heading northwest, trying to get away. Great.

Okay, so I'm going to need you to do an athletics check to get out of there expediently. Just because you're wedged in rocks with Danny, so you're trying to get out of boulders. I rolled an eight with a seven bonus. Oh my god. Oh no! You botched.

This is basically what it is. This isn't like an attack. It's sort of up to whether or not I'm an asshole, whether I care if it's a botch, right, because it's an ability check. Sorry. Unfortunately, you died twice. Yeah, this is just hard terrain to get out of,

so I'm going to let you. How is it a botch? Did he have to hit 16? No, he rolled a one. He rolled a one. He got to add a lot to it. Oh, I misunderstood. I thought you had an eight and a seven.

I misunderstood. No, no. No. Okay. Oh, I see what you're saying. Right. So I'm going to say you get out of the rocks and you get north a little bit and you can even hide, but you're only going to get like

three squares up. That's fine. That just basically means you're still in peril, whereas most of the party is starting to split. Danny, you're up. Okay. Uh,

let's see. One second here. You got it. Miss Construzzi's Dance Club and a Quiet Lounge. We don't take no for an answer, Miss Construzzi's. Well, sometimes we just start out on the weekends

all the way through the holidays. And we don't take American Express, except for, of course, our Long Beach and San Clemente. It's Construzzi's. Moose Construzzi's. I think Danny's going to follow the cue of his fellow adventurers and head up, keep heading away. Great. And not really draw its attention when

I couldn't really do damage anyway from here. Right. So, Danny Yen, you were wedged in the boulders with Tootie to the southwest, not that far from the Dragon Turtle, meaning you were one of the few characters still in peril. So, I'm going to have you, much like have you much like 2d do an athletics check yeah hold on one second i sure will hold on oh yeah about that athletics check take the disengage or dash action as a bonus action

on your turn and jump distance did this construe z say you could take an Amex in Long Beach? That's right, right? I can use my Amex in Long Beach. San Clemente. Okay, cool. Thank you. Yeah, I think some City of Industry stuff, Inland Empire stuff.

Brian, if I add a state, you're going to have to- Would Step of the Wind really help here? Maybe. Let me pull your- Tell the listeners and your Dungeon Master. It looks like- What it says. You can spend one key point to take the disengage or dash action as a bonus action on your turn.

And your jump distance is doubled for the turn. So... That doesn't really help my speed. Yes, it does. Oh, it does. It absolutely does. Oh, it does. It absolutely does. If you want to use your bonus action to dash and your action to dash, you can get really far.

You can, but you still have to spend a key point and you still have to make an athletics check. Yeah, let's do it. So first, how many key points do you have left now? Well, I would think... You've been tracking how many

you use this combat? None? When was the last time we were in combat? Well, you were sort of in combat when you were underwater. I haven't used any on this guy. I haven't used any on this guy. Okay. I've used all my luck.

So I'm three, right? Usually? After sleep? Yeah. So I'm three, right? Usually? After sleep? Yeah. I think that's where I am. I'm pretty sure that's where I am. I don't have any marked down. Great. If you would just please mark one. You have five key points per short rest, it looks like.

Okay. So just erase or mark one of the five. If it looks like three, it might mean you want to print out a new Roll20 or a D&D Beyond character sheet with updated stuff. Oh, yeah, right. And then do some new pencil stuff.

I'm still level three on this page. Right. It's tricky. You want to like write with pencil and then you're like, oh, but the digital's got all this stuff. So just do that athletics check for me, boss. Sure.

Oh, cool. 17 and then plus, I believe it's pretty high. Let's see. Athletics. Do you have a candy? I just it oh here we go so sorry i sound like a mental patient um not that there's any wrong with being a mental patient you have a three to athletics it looks like is that it yep Yep. Yep. So, 20. Cool. With that, you absolutely able to, like, scramble up the rocks.

You run past 2D. Do you want to reduce how far you can go to drag him with you a little bit? Yeah, sure. All right. So, as opposed to going 80 feet, you're going to go 50. So you can go... Are you moving me? I'm measuring first if I'm going to move you. You can do it yourself if you want.

But I got to pull the ruler out. 5, 10, 15, 20, 21. I like that. You can get way the hell up here or just off the map. Up to you. This is the fucking coolest app or website, whatever you call it. The Roll20s? Yeah, I love it.

It's great. Way to see that map you almost saw. What do you mean? Remember I accidentally dropped a token on there? So, Brian, you can go up here where I'm pinging. You see it? And 2D you can go with. So, up here.

Thank goodness. Drag your tokes. Doing it. Or light it for smokes. it. Or light it for smokes. And then the rest of you, Jelf, Nathan, Iva, you're all still just trying to book it

to shelter a couple hundred feet away? Yeah. Yeah, we'll stop and make sure these guys are behind us, but also run for our lives. You guys are doing that, and I'm just going to go down to the turtle who's gonna try to find someone to take its rage out on i dropped my dice

attacked by an off-screen dog it's i went I went... And you manage the rest of you to get away. It takes a solid couple of minutes, you know, to really even get a sense of where anybody is because the dragon turtle, like, once you guys all find cover behind some boulders

a couple hundred feet away and feel like you're not going to get attacked immediately, the dragon turtle just roars angrily like several times, roars mournfully slower and slower, and then it just kind of settles back

onto the beach in this big crater that it's sort of carved out for itself and stares out to sea again. You all kind of gather again at the edge of the woods. You've still got you know noodles and

all your other critters clinging to you but no sign of Berk just at the moment. I hope he makes it out okay. You feel like you could wait a little bit longer and he could show up. I'm only fast forwarding time like eight minutes um but you know there's still a giant dragon turtle like a fifth of a mile away do we get the feeling that we could maybe

find this thing's mate and bring it back and make the cove happy? Maybe. Something to think about. If anybody would like to think about reuniting this giant dragon turtle with its mate, please roll an insight check. Why not? 16 plus 6?

22, I think well insight proficiency yes from my time working on Sunset Boulevard anybody beat a 22 no oh I got a proficiency bonus huh no do not

19 what was this roll sorry insight feels right 19. What was this roll? Sorry. Insight. Feels right. I think it's low. 14. Yep. So that's going to leave Jelf with a high number.

So, okay. You guys kind of like think about it, discuss it amongst each other, and you figure there's probably a way to sort of, you know, like decursify a dragon turtle. It's very difficult. You've never seen it done.

Your characters in previous campaigns have never even seen it done but there's probably like a way to do it and if you could they could probably just find each other but you're pretty sure the dragon that you guys encountered when you were on the boat at the beginning of the season campaign it was crazed beyond normal existence because of the crystals yes there's enough gossip going around dave englaven and when you were there claudenheim for you to even spend five minutes in claudenheim you would have heard about the crystals that mutate people into these eye stalk like creatures. We think there's a way to when you say decursify, what does

that mean? You think that there is probably through magic a way to remove this beholder like quality from the dragon turtle. If we come across that, are you saying that's a thing we can figure out or that's a thing we can

find? Wow, what a what a thing he's saying we could remove the curtain we could like un-crystal yeah i'm using to do it i'm using some weird lingo it's mostly because i'm trying to like imagine how your characters would think it and world but like yeah like you're like oh there's a way to undo what happened to that turtle. Magic would have to be involved. It would probably be something we don't currently know. Do we think that if we decursified the other one, they'd be able to find each other or we would still then need to help them find each other? You're not sure, but it does seem like these things probably have enough of their own communication abilities or even like places to hang out that it would just sort of swim around the continent and find the other one.

Eventually. Wow. I think it would be adorable. I think that's a nice, we can add that to our to-do list. Yes. Uh, what?

Our turtle tool do like you know blame okay blame somebody call blame i think we have to update blaine software oh call his wife see if she'll walk in and kick him. I mean. Put me in some rice. I'll eat my way out. Right?

Hey, I get it. Put you in Aspik. Oof. So, you guys. That hasn't gotten any better tasting since the 70s, right? Oh, Aspik? My wife got on an Asp-making kick, and I wish. It's kicked me in the balls a few times.

She almost ruined the internet just by showing pictures of it. All this talk. I picture my mom in orange bell-bottoms making me eat Aspic. It's like Jell-O made out of something's pancreas. and we eat aspic. It's like jello made out of something's pancreas. You guys are all talking in the world of Dungeons and Dragons about reuniting these turtles. And you hear Nathan, Princess Koss.

Does it feel so good? Huh? I don't know. Yeah. I had moved on. I lost the reference. You hear the octopus on your back, Nathan, sigh deeply. Oh, yeah.

Oh, princess, are you all right? Do you need something? Oh, it's just so very romantic. These rocky woods? No, what you're talking about doing for those monstrous turtles. It's just, you seem so empathetic to their plight, despite what they look like. Yes, it is interesting when you care about other people, isn't it? It is. I care about all of you.

We're the Castaway Cuties. How could you not? Are you? And we're here to say... Are you looking... you looking forward to seeing me in my true form all of you yes we have a pretty good sense of what's going to go on

so I was wondering if you might do me just a small courtesy yeah I would love if I could send a messenger if you might do me just a small courtesy. Yeah. I would love if I could send a messenger ahead of us to try to make my arrival go a little more smoothly. I don't know if you trust me yet. I would like to think that you do, but I think it might be a little less traumatic for my people

to know that I'm coming with you. Do any of you have any sort of messenger spells or beasts? I will let my eyes fall across. I was, I'll make eye contact with either, but not sort of pause and just be sort of like, I mean, I think, I think we could send, we could send that. and just be sort of like, hmm. I mean, I think we could send that.

We could roll up like a message and send it with Agatha potentially, if she agrees, as long as we approve the message, which I assume is just going to be like, don't kill these people. I am your princess. Yeah. Yes, if you could

say something like that, and you can write it however you like, just if you could include just one special word to let them know that sort of like a word they would understand. Like a trigger? A trigger word

perhaps? Oh, you make it sound so malicious, Nathan. I would never harm my sweet babies. What's the word? What does it mean? The word is simple. It is reunion. I would like you to use the word reunion.

They know I treasure reunions. I'm a very formal sort of girl. Alright. Please describe what all of you look like in the letter and say that this is a message being written for me for I have changed shape and that I'm

looking forward to a reunion and please say that I care very much for this Nathan Whiskers rabbit fellow. Okay, I'd like to do an insight check. I'm good at now. Me too.

Yeah, please. Everyone, feel free to do an insight check if you want to figure out what's going on with Princess Caspia right now. One. I botched my insight check. Fifteen. Eighteen. Okay.

Nine. Alright. Eight. My digital dice stink. What would happen if you botched something in real life? I'm trying to think of like... You'd die. You'd crash your car.

For all tricks? Walking. Or shit your dick off. Like shit your pants at a business meeting kind of a thing. Maybe you'd shit your dick off. That'd be a good one. Well, you don't have to do a role for that. You know that Steven Seagal story?

Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. The writer who shit his pants in front of Seagal story? Oh, yeah. Yeah. The writer who shit his pants in front of Seagal. And then he goes and changes his pants, takes his underwear off, balls it up neatly, goes back into the restaurant to continue his meeting with Seagal and then shits his pants again. And then Seagal goes, hey, we should probably wrap this up. That's what I would have said. What's wrong with him?

What? Was he sick? This is what I think when I hear these stories. Conveniently, Brian started a conversation with someone else in the room right when you wanted to know. Brian, is Steven Seagal there? Are you in a meeting with him right now?

Is he threatening you right now because he heard you telling the story I just sold him under siege 3 and now and then I just unsold it oh no pants shitters on my boat not on my watch oh I'll tell you what was under siege was that

poor gentleman's downstairs parts well under siege it was poor gentleman's downstairs parts. It was called in shit territory. So, uh, he's great in that. He is great. I loved his one man show hammering poop into the floor with my forehead. That's a reference for four people.

None of you are completely sure. Ivo, you definitely like are usually very good at inside roles and you just are just not reassured by the story but like you don't sense deception Nathan yes you feel like there's two things

going on here one she is she is meaning no harm you get a very strong sense she's meaning no harm all right to you feel like there is more to this letter because of this word is meaning no harm. You get a very strong sense she's meaning no harm. All right. Two, you feel like there is more to this letter because of this word. Hmm.

Perhaps, friends, just for a moment, the princess and I could have a word. Would that be all right with everyone? Yeah, get a room, you two. Sure, go for it. I would never be so forward, but perhaps just a moment of intimate conversation, if that's all right with you, princess. Why, of course I would be honored. Should we send a letter first or should we wait?

Oh, before we do, I mean, when you say you want to single me out, I feel a moment of trepidation and just want to speak with you honestly before we say anything. Here we are. We are 20 feet away from the rest of them. What would you have of me? Cool. First, I'm going to trigger my unwavering cuteness. Okay. Which functions as a charm person spell.

Okay. Which functions as a charm person spell. So she has to make a wisdom saving throw. Okay. And my DC is, what is my DC? Should I tell you what she rolled before or after you tell me the DC? That's up to you. Oh, all right. She rolled a 10.

Cool. My DC is 14. She is charmed cool uh so that basically functions as a charm person spell let me just see it's because of i'm a rabbit folk i use my natural charm and cuteness to gain advantage in social interactions she She turns bright pink. She's just blushing. And so I'll just sort of say to her, like, I'm so sorry to be so forward. I'm sure you've had so many suitors over the years. Oh, my.

I don't wish to lump myself in with them, but when you say send a letter that specifically notes me, why wouldn't you note all of us? Why wouldn't you say, these are all my protected friends? I want you to feel extra special, but also I want to feel special. And you don't feel special now. I apologize. No, look at me.

Look at me. Will I look special when we arrive, Nathan? Will I, when I return to my natural form, will I be special to you? No. Your Highness, I would suggest that your appearance means next to nothing. It is who you are. It is what you do that is of true import. I think you will be quite happy, quite pleased. The happiest you've ever been. All right. Well, I certainly look forward to bringing you back safely, along with the safety of all of my friends. All of us safe together. Very

safe. You'll be safe, but you will also be so pleased, Nathan. Just please send the letter. All right. I'll go back to the group and sort of say like, I think it's okay. What is, can you ask

her what reunion specifically means? It's okay. Can you ask her what reunion specifically means? It's a trigger word. We know it's code. Let's not mess around. What is that code for? So I'll just say like, yeah, if you could just... Oh, Nathan! Yes, my love.

Just, what was the question you were halfway through? I just swooned in the middle of it I will catch you in my very tiny rabbit arms before the noun could hit the predicate when you say reunion

what does that mean sweet Nathan that is a message that only my uncle will understand and who is that That is a message that only my uncle will understand. And who's that? Oh, he is the shaman of the court. But not the ruler.

The ruler is my father, for I am a princess. I just want to get the lay of the land. The trigger word is a word he will understand what does that mean it means he will know that I have found someone I would like to continue going on adventures with oh so a reunion between

you and I yes not a reunion between you and I yes not a reunion but Nathan he will change me he will make me he will make me like you he will cast a spell and he will make me

a rabbit folk and not the horrible form I will take I don't care who hears it Make me a rabbit folk. And not the horrible form I will take. I don't care who hears it. I will look disgusting when I touch the water of Mega Lake Pangodon. What are your people? We are so curious and anxious to meet you. We are a fish people called Galaxians. We are covered in spines.

They're beautiful to all, but well, people who don't live in the water. If you don't live in the water, you think we're very gross. All right. Meaning like a starfish? No,

kind of like a salamander with just spines sticking out of it and just long claws and jagged teeth. What's Jelf doing? Do you want to become a rabbit folk? Yes. what's jelf doing do you want to become are you are you you want to become a rabbit folk yes i'm i live a pampered life and i'm surrounded by barbarians this is like a weird mr limpet reboot can i just ask a quick question are you sure that you're not going to turn nathan into one of your

kind absolutely probably my uncle would do anything for me. Probably. Should we roll to kill her? No. I'm just throwing that out there. You just set her on fire and see what happens. Jelf is always threatening to murder people. Is it Jelf or is it the person controlling Jelf? Huh?

I was talking to you boy Oh sorry I was glitching Alright I'll share in a quiet moment I'll share this with the group just be sort of like I'll leave you to think sweet babies. I understand this is a message

difficult to hear. And she just sort of like squiggle squishes away to nearby clearing in the woods. Also, you guys think you see some movement amongst the boulders to the south?

Oh, we need to keep going. We gotta, yeah. Unless it's our money. Talk about your nuptials, Nathan. Yeah, let's break. I mean, I'm excited if you found love. Like, look, what is this world worth? Even the turtles are the rest without it.

Oh, I mean, if it takes me marrying her, I'm willing to consider that. But in the meantime, I think there's a dragon turtle that's about to eat us. Does it sound like something big or is it possibly a guy? Something else, right? It's in the

rocks along the cliff face. What's the northern cliff face of the peel? Yeah, I mean, you can do an inside check to guess what it is or what size it is. Oh my goodness, of course. I don't want to run away from our injured buddy. I think I could find my F. 11.

13. I got a 17, Dan. Okay. All right. This one will be good, finally Looking for 15s and 20s 10 Lane, get a 15 and a 20 Yeah, dude

He's thinking about it He's wishing real hard He's staring into the middle distance. He's blinking so I know his internet's not frozen. Blaine. 20? Oh!

Oh! Huzzah! You guys feel like who got 15? So, you guys feel like... Who got... Is it a 15? I had a 17.

17? Yeah. 14 plus 3. Danny, you feel like it's humanoid-sized. Jelf, you use your sort of elf senses to suss it out. It's definitely like some kind of like orc creature. You think you can smell orc wafting across the breeze. Okay.

Alright, let's help him. Is it pulled orc? That's delicious. Nope. It's Burke. You gonna go try and help Burke out? Yes. Alright, you guys walk down there and I'm not even gonna make you do a stealth check. The dragon turtle is just still listlessly staring out into

the ocean and Burke is really fucked up. His skin is all burned, and he's just very slowly crawling through the rocks and doesn't even see you approach for a second. He kind of does a double take and goes, Not fun fight. Usually, Burke, smash real good. Okay.

Well, let's drag him. How many people can help help lift him you can all do it and you can just heal him first yeah build a walk right okay we have a healing pebble that we may use once a day if people don't mind i could but i think healing word is we'll fix everybody so we might want to save it oh it is isn't it or maybe'm wrong. I'm real fucked up too. It says a creature of my choice. Cure wounds on him. Never mind. Yes. Healing word. Do it? Alright, so I will

use the healing pebble. It's a d4 plus my spellcasting ability modifier which is I believe 3. So I will use the healing pebble and give him back

oh I rolled a four plus three seven hit points alright so he's still looking really rough but he doesn't look as near death as he was a second ago thank you I'm ready to can you walk yes I can walk.

Let's go rip the heads off of some of those fish people. And on that note, we'll find out what happens on the next episode of Nerd Poker. Hey, Sam. Hi, everybody. What do you think happened on this episode? On episode 35, it is still turtle time. So we're shooting arrows and we're running around.

Just imagine Nathan's little legs dashing. I love the idea of helping find the turtle's mate. I love this gradual transition from our old fight everybody characters to this new helpful mystery solving gang. It's like Encyclopedia Brown with swords. The princess is having us write a letter for a reunion, but why? Burke is hurt, but who cares? And finally,

as a reminder, Dan was correct, and I do love Sarah Paulson, so if you see her, please tell her. Dan, you want to plug anything? Yeah, please check out my stand-up show on twitch it's twitch.tv slash telfer dan check out the book i'm writing of a tabletop role-playing game based on netflix's the dragon prince at tales of zadia.com and i will be performing in sacramento at the comedy spot on may 28th uh 8 p.m that's funny i the same weekend i will be in san

diego at the american uh comedy what do they call it company or club or you know that place downtown yeah i'm gonna be there uh it's my first gig back i'm doing a full weekend. It's half capacity. So come fill it with cool people so I don't have to have any assholes in my show. All cool people buy tickets at BrianPassane.com. That'll send you to my schedule and all. And you can buy tickets to San Diego. And then I've got Punchline coming up, or actually, no, Cobbs coming up in San Francisco with Irene 2, one of the funniest up-and-coming comics. She's amazing and the coolest.

We have a blast hanging out. That'll be, God, when am I there? I think the end of June or the mid-june but at any rate brianpersain.com for uh tour dates again remember that remember touring can't wait to shit a bed in another city i've got all 50 Oh nice States I mean

Yeah 100 2000 cities Holy shit Yeah Hey Blaine do you have any projects you want to plug For any reason Uh Stacy Keith just got Jumped into the Weeblos they're cutting that Together it should be on on Skinamax.

I forget what it's on. It's one of those. One of the new ones. I don't know. I don't know how Wayne did it. He kept a straight face. It was pretty funny. Oh, my gosh.

The Weeblos. One of the new ones. Sounds like Quibi. Thanks for listening. sounds like quibby thanks for listening thanks for listening to another episode of nerd poker you can follow us at patreon.com slash nerd

poker and you get bonus episodes from there and you can also send us anything at p.o. box one six zero six nine encino california nine one four one six thanks for listening Box 16069 Encino, California 91416 Thanks for listening.