Nerd Poker - S4E37 Dicey Piscine Scene

Episode Date: May 25, 2021

Negotiations for the transformation of the fishy princess have reached a nadir and the Castaway Cuties may be about to throw down with some ugly pirahna-faced gillaxians. Hopefully we can go properly off the rails for a moment before the tense combat begins!

This month's Patreon winner is SmellsLikeHalcineSpirit. Thank you, SmellsLikeHalcineSpirit, for supporting us on Patreon. And thank you, everybody who supports us on Patreon. You can find us at Patreon.com slash NerdPoker. Bye. Hey everybody, I'm Brian Poussin. Comedian, writer, actor, nerd. I've been playing D&D with my friends for a long time. I decided to do a new podcast where we play Dungeons & Dragons in my very own dining room

with my wife, kid, and my noisy dogs. So meet my friends Sarah, Kev, Dan, Clay, Chris. Now it's time for another episode of Brian Possehn's Nerd Poker. Season 4. Hey, everybody. I'm Brian Poussain And you're listening to Brian Poussain's Nerd Poker Episode 37

My friends are here I'm looking at them God they're great to look at Just majestic Bunch of friends Who's that dog? That's my dog? Jeez. Running around. That's my dog.

Sorry. That's Clifford. He's letting me know someone's within a mile of my home. Is he big and rad? I knew it wasn't the tiny burrito in Sam's arms. It just didn't match up. I see my friend, Ken. Hi. Hello, buddy. How see my friend Ken. Hi.

Hello, buddy. How are you? Sarah. Hello. Blaine. Hi, Brian. Hey, buddy. Hi, everybody. Chris and his loud-ass dog.

Hey, Clifford is still barking. Nice. And Dan. Hey, buddy. Hi. Hello, Brian. You're the, what does it say there, Monsters of Funk? Oh, Monsters and Junk.

Oh, Monsters and Junk. I enjoy that you were able to fashion a joke out of this. And then we can see Sam there. What's going on, Sam? How are you? I'm good. Hello, sweet children. Look at that adorable bundle of bundle

of fur and ears yep he smells like doritos chris are there any like special noises that will also set your dog off like like like alarms stuff like that like doorbell uh we have a a few people i mean i guess especially because now we're in, there's a lot of people going for walks. So there's a lot of people with strollers. And that gets his... Rattling wheels. He hops up on the windowsill and just stares. And it's a sort of weird thing to have this dog just sort of staring out the window.

Just kind of like a security guard. I think that's good. Yeah. Oh, yeah. No baby's going to get in this house. Not while he's a kid. Those baby burglars will get you everyone talks about the cat burglars but babies even if they don't steal anything they leave these goddamn diapers everywhere yeah it's true warm up the getaway crib oh my god brian what your arms where'd they go first of all your arms they appear to have been removed from your

body c-3po in best ben style i don't need them anymore oh second of all i'm feeling i want to see you roll a cigarette with your mouth oh thank you thank you something very lurid with his microphone. Wow. The show is three minutes in and we are off the rails. You heard me say I was trying to segue into the thankful thing. Should I do that?

Yeah, do it. All right, here we go. Pack up some pates. Pates? Is that what we're calling them now? Yeah, pack them pates. Hey, pates, we love you we're calling him now? Yeah, I think I'm Pates. Hey, Pates, we love you. You're great. You Patreon supporters keep this show alive.

You nudge us away from the edge of the maw of the abyss that is 2021 and you've kept us going for a while. Thank you so much. And in particular, this is the part of the show where we do a shout out name by name

for folks in the Hay Boss and Stargoyle tiers of our Patreon. They go by names like Wallace Shawn's Hot Dog and Grilled Sandwich Shack. Okay. Sure, I'm in. Thanks, Gabriel Jimenez.

Thanks, Gabriel. Thanks, Puder Deuteron. Thanks, Puder Deuterin. Thanks, Puder Deuterin. Side effects may include. Oh, I get it now. Thanks, Jason Yarn. Thanks, Jason. Thanks, Jason.

Oh, boy, this is... This one seems like it's from Donkey Land. Thank you, Butterchunk Shimblewimble Borkmoppelfritz. Thank you. Thanks, Beezlebubba, which is, of course, a Dead Milkman album. Thank you, Bobby Cart. Thank you. Thanks.

Thanks, Huckle McFuckleberry's Good Luck Pants Tuck. Thanks, Lewis Welsh. Thank you. Thank you, Blaine's Hot Mike mic which is actually just a rabbit in drag rabbit in drag boopity peepity the rabbit in drag thanks I got a rock

oh I got an island thanks Norman thanks Norman thank you Jake Deepowers. Thanks, Jake. Thank you, Brando Calrissian. Thank you.

Thank you, OSE. Thank you, Boos. Thank you, Beholder. I don't even know her. Thanks, Jacob Livermore. Thank you, Eel Cola. Thanks, Eel Cola. Thanks, Jacob. Thank you. Thank you, Eel Cola. Thanks, Eel Cola.

Thank you. Gross. Thank you, My Stimulus Chuck. That's great. You allocated it to us. Thank you very much. Thank you, James Brooks, I assume of The Simpsons. I'm sure.

Thanks, Glenn Altman Batridge. Thank you. And last but not least thank you doors unlimited llc hey blaine blaine who were those patreon supporters brought to us by these supporters brought to us by nascar babies it's little tiny wee ones at 200 miles an hour. 48 degree bank track. Death is certain with these little tykes. You'll see all of your favorite drivers.

Richard Pettingsue, Donica Patwick, Dale Earnhardt Jr., Jr., Jr., Jr., Jr., Dick Tinkle, and itsy bitsy teeny weeny yellow polka dot Gordon Johncock

at NASCAR babies all this weekend must be 21 Dan aw gee whiz that was just beautiful thank you Blaine that was a goodie it's now time for

me to remind everyone what happened last time on Nerd Poker. The Castaway Cuties landed on the continent of Davenglaven, made their way zigzagging across the continent on their way to Megalake Pangodon, where a mythical hammer lies beneath the surface, kept by a creepy bunch of fish folk called the Gilaxians. On the way, they, very difficult to find, but went deep within the jungle and like beneath a crazy warlock's lair, like they found this weird octopus

that said it was a princess, and said, hey, can I hitch a ride back to Mega Lake Pangadon and everybody said okay and then it sort of fell in love with Nathan the rabbit folk and is now in a very delicate position

she reached out to her uncle a shaman of the Galaxians but only after a great deal of lying and bashful obfuscation to keep Nathan from knowing just how gross and fishy looking she was

however the jig is up the handoff did not go so great hoping that the princess would lead them to the hammer without much difficulty. It seems an earnest wish to be turned into a rabbit folk like Nathan has caused quite a bit of tension.

And now rising from the lake, we see her uncle, the shaman, and six heavily armored Galaxians approaching the princess who is nudging away from the lake as Nathan whiskers and Danny and watch on invisible and the rest of the castaway cuties watch on from the bushes, several feet behind them. All right. That took a lot of windup, but we are right about, it seems to hit combat.

So any questions before we roll for initiative? It would seem. I think 2d was up there. I think it's 2d and Danny who are invisible up. Not Nathan. You're you're you're, uh, we sent our muscle up there with her. Great. She ran away. we sent our muscle up there with her great she ran away yeah you know she didn't exactly run away um she was kind of like trying to talk to her uncle right and then when she found out things were breaking so poorly she uh kind of was like pleading to you guys for another way out and you encouraged her to back away. So she's backing away right now, but she almost straight up, you know,

gave herself up. And yeah, you know, it looks like you're about to have to fight her uncle. And what looks like a retinue of guards. Sure. You guys are really thrilled about that um now that we've cleared up uh my mistake about which two were a little closer to the princess

are there any other more questions is there room for us to talk it out like can we see the guy enough to be able to like speak he's been speaking to her like in her mind yeah he looks like he's been doing something along the lines of casting message and it's kind speaking to her like in her mind yeah he looks like he's been doing something along the lines of casting message and it's kind of like been like pointing at her and sending these mind messages to her in their native tongue unfortunately you don't know what all of them have been but um it does it does seem a bit uh unfortunate um the situation she's sort of stuck in uh can we explain to him what's going on you try um i think you did hear that they were not speaking the common tongue amongst each other so it will be unclear if uh if he speaks common i don't know i forget if we went over this already

but um if any of you know maybe some aquatic languages there are some in the dungeons and dragons world it would not hurt to scan any aquatic language would not hurt to scan the old character sheets right now dwarvish aquatic no i don't think so no about sylvan uh closer maybe but no. It's Sylvan Learning Center. Huh. Sylvan Learning Center. Anybody got some fish talk? Brian, you speak shrimp, right?

I do, but Danny doesn't. Ah, shit. I just like to suck toast. I speak popcorn shrimp. Oh, yeah, right now. I'm telling you. Love that chicken and popper. Brian, it looks like the mic, you can see this, right now. Love that chicken. Brian, it looks like the mic, you can see this, right?

The microphone in your earbuds looks like you have a french fry stuck in your beard. It keeps making me want it. Should I tell him? Oh, I wish. Other side, Brian. Don't you hate it when you find an onion ring in your french fry beard? Surprise snack. No. He ate it. Guys. He ate it.

Guys, he ate it. That's his bit. I just ate French fries. His headphones, that guy. That's my dream that I have a Captain Caveman beard and I just have a fry machine inside there. Is that the main reason you grew it out? Yeah. Yeah.

Oh, that's a great dream. People think I'm licking my microphone all day, but nope, I'm just swallowing french fries one after another. Well, they announced that Captain Caveman miniseries. You'll be like, hello. Captain Caveman! And a son. All you wear is a beard. It's pronounced caveman.

Oh, he is all beard, huh? He doesn't wear any clothes. God, that'd be awesome. Yeah, remember when you finally figured that out of disturbing that was? I watched just enough Captain Caveman to have that day where I was like, oh man. There's underwear in there too.

You don't know that. Yeah, I would. Maybe a di-di. The next time we all play in person, would it be safe for us to expect you to show up wearing just a beard? Depends on how long, I mean, how many months do I have?

I don't know, man. You've had a year. Chop-chop. I know, but I had it groomed a couple of times. I just had to Google Captain Caveman so I could remember what he looks like. That's a beard? I think I just always thought he was like... It's like a combination of body hair, hair, beard.

He's just furry. Hey, Brian, can't you just grow your happy trail out? No. I've never been more pissed off at Blaine. Hey, Brian, take us down to the goody patch blaine have you ever experienced all of our listeners screaming at you at the same time i think so i think sarah no play no my happy trail is so sad i'm not the only person who reacted don't put it all on me you have to lift up like 100 pounds of gut to even get to my happy trail.

See, now we're getting back to the real. Here we go. It's getting better. I'm going to blow it out with some dynamite. I got some prospector guys coming. Yeah, so, 2D, you are visible. And I believe you were one of the folks interested in doing this. If you want to call something out, go ahead.

I will say it's tense, so this is going to be a persuasion check. I'm sorry to be a creep, but the last thing we did before we ended the episode is I cast invisibility on Danny and Tootie. They can turn it off, I think,

if they want. Oh, you're not being a creep. I feel like we covered this. That's totally... He said we were invisible at the time. I did. Right, so we haven't been seen yet. I said that in my other... Here, let me say it in my non-Dungeon Master voice. We've been talking about a lot of other

stuff, though, see? Okay. It's true. We went so far off the rails that it was impossible to remember. Happy trails. Off the rails. I'll never be able to listen to that fucking song the same way ever again. Like,

just showing up to Brian's house to hang out and he opens the door and Captain Caveman greets me. So, horrible visual. He has hot skittles on his tummy. Oh, it's like melted from his body heat. Oh, uh, horrible visual. He has hot Skittles on his tummy. Oh, like melted from his body heat. Check it and see! Oh, that would have hurt.

You can like, that would hurt. Get them off then. You can melt them off probably. Like you stay warm long enough, you know? That's just waxing. That's what they do. Sweetie, Skittle wax. What a great concept.

Oh my God. That's a great idea. No, it's not! It will destroy you. Are you kidding me? Those chemicals on your delicate, raw skin? Yeah, so do you want to break your invisibility to call something out, Tootie?

Or do you want to kind of like... I'm going to wait it out. You're going to wait it out? See what's going to happen. I will tell you, with what you call your passive insight, you think this is gonna break into blows momentarily. Between who?

Whom and whose? So just to give you a little more of a visual here, I'm gonna do two things. I'm gonna describe it, and then I am going to bring up the Roll20 map that you're about to fight on. I'm ready to go. Why don't you all open up the Nerd Poker Roll 20? I will put that in the chat for anyone who might need it,

but I will describe this while we all sort of sync up. You guys are on the southeast shore of Mega Lake Pangodon. So if you can imagine that sort of on the greater Davin Glavin map that you guys are on. I'm going to go ahead and drag this over so you'll now see the mega lake shore. These fish people, the armored ones just came out of the lake.

The shaman came out first and was speaking telepathically to uh to princess cospia for a while and then after things got a little darkened and the shaman said yeah your uncle said you're coming down to go to prison and then I'll change you into a rabbit folk. The guards appeared. Now the guards and the shaman can't see any of the castaway cuties right now, but the guards definitely rose up to like grab the princess. And you guys are like, don't go back up princess back up. You're like encouraging her to not let herself be in prison. So any second now she is going to back up one more square and you guys, um,

will, uh, be sort of like even with her, but also like, it looks like you've got a formidable outfit of these guys ready to do some damage. these guys ready to do some damage. Cool. If I threw a rock, would it break my invisibility? I believe so. Not as an attack, just as a distraction. Let's see.

Just for fun, just skipping a rock? Yeah, I just want to see how many hits I can get, how many skips. I mean, okay. She speaks their language, right? She does, yeah. So she should be able to translate for us. It feels like the thing is, though, you'd want to feed her a pretty creative line

to get herself out of this pickle, because right now it seems like she's done her best and she's at a loss and she's just kind of going, I don't want to be imprisoned, my sweet babies. And she's trying to get back into the cover of the trees where three of you are. Also, quick reminder, Burke, your half-orc guide, is waiting for you guys to do something

and cue him farther back in the bushes. But he's far enough away where he it might take him a while to figure out you guys are in combat there's no guarantee he'll come to your aid all right so as far as invisibility goes a creature you touch becomes invisible until the spell ends anything the target's wearing or carrying is invisible as long as it is on their person um it ends when you attack or cast spell, but not when you try to make a distraction.

You could do that. Are you going to throw a rock behind everybody? Yes, just to buy some time. Cool. Let's get a... Well, are you trying to get behind them or what? Off to the side. Alright. Yeah, just do a performance check, please, to try trying to get behind them or what? Off to the side. Alright.

Yeah, just do a performance check, please, to try and get a big enough one that makes a sploosh. Ew. Performance. Or, you know what, this is deception. This is deception for sure. But what if my performance is better?

Okay. Go. It's not dramatic enough. 21, baby. Well, fuck. So you grab a nice fist-sized rock, chuck it off to the left, because you're kind of on the left of all this,

and it goes... And, yeah, they all go, and, like, turn off to the side. Sarah, is there something that Iva might want to get the princess to translate? Does Iva have a creative line in her back pocket? Because this is your last chance before we hear the second half of Tootie's plan. Oh, no, I mean, Tootie, please. Is it?

I'm wondering what the reunion was about. You know, if we could tell her to say, I'm here for the reunion. She told us. Oh, she did. I mean, like, reunion was code for please use your spell to transform me. Into a rabbit. He knows, and he says he'll do it,

but only when she's in prison. So you do... I mean, I'll say... I'll throw another... but only when she's in prison. So you do. I mean, I'll say I'll throw another. I forgot about that. Okay. Yeah. You know, so like, you know, Princess Caspia probably doesn't want you to kill her uncle, not just because he's a relative. Right.

Because he has the spell in his repertoire. Yes. I don't really want to kill anybody. It didn't do nothing wrong to me. So do you not have really a plan beyond distracting everybody? You're just going to sort of wait for him to look back at you because the time is ticking on that. No, I'm trying to come up with a plan. While he's coming up with a plan, I'm going to

minor illusion a creature of them that looks like them. It can only be, I think, five feet tall or whatever, and it's making the universal sign for stop or whatever, like wait, like a fin up or whatever, like hold. Interesting. In front of her, between them. Okay.

Well, they're under five feet tall, so it'll all work out. Why don't you do a deception check? It's not even like they have to believe it. I just want to communicate that, but 14. Okay. They're going to communicate that, but 14. Okay. They're going to roll against that one moment. Wow.

So they all look, and all but the shaman are confused and kind of lower their spear, but the shaman are like confused and kind of like lower their spear, but the shaman kind of just like goes and like snaps his head back towards the princess. How close is she to us who are back? Well, allow me to use the map as a reference because it might come up in combat and I want to be consistent here.

She is about 30 feet from you guys in the bushes. Um, okay. Well, I'm going to run up to her. Okay. And I'm going to say, I'm going to, I'm going to tell her to translate.

I'm going to, I'm going to make the same whole gesture as my illusion. And then I'm going to say to her gesture as my illusion and then I'm gonna say to her ask them what is your crime like what is she being imprisoned for I'm gonna say loudly and then she can translate or whatever

alright well she blushes when you say this to her. And she makes this sort of gurgling noise, which you have not heard her really make out loud before. You think that is her native language is what you think is happening. Oh. So she kind of goes.

And. When I did that, she's a sex worker. Ken, like, what? I heard annoying. I don't get it. Uh, I'm too dumb and slow. What's happening?

Um, but, uh, Brian's getting a sweet heat wax. That's, yeah, uh, she, she, she turns to you, Iva, Brian's getting a sweet heat wax. Yeah. She turns to you, Iva, and she seems reassured that you would run out of the bushes. And says, I suppose I could have told you this, but the honest truth is they tell me that I'm wanted for,

what is the word when you're considered a traitor to your people? Treason? Am I translating that right? Yeah. It's the treason for the season. What was the nature of this treason? Oh, I put out a lot of lines towards the different people of Davenglave

and trying to find someone who uh would transform me because um because uh well I hadn't decided like what kind of person I wanted to be and I just wanted to know someone magical who could who could kind of like sell me on on their people and I just I just put out a lot of word that maybe I didn't like the Galaxian culture and wanted to be taken out of it and the word got around and I was just considered to be a vile traitor. What made you think that you were going to come back here and they were going to turn you around? Well, I am still royalty. So you would think that some people would remember their place when seeing me and perhaps engage in, I don't know, diplomatic niceties or something.

And she gets kind of like hurt thinking about it and presses a tentacle to her chest. And the soldiers all look back at you guys. They're no longer distracted, but they are kind of like not quite in full attack mode. They can see that you and the princess are having a very embarrassing conversation and they're just kind of like,

like they're ready. Good. They're on guard. Let them experience the cringe. They're cringing and they think it might just be this one roguelike woman who is casting this illusion and a sort of compatriot of the princess,

but they don't suspect the rest of the castaway cuties are nearby. Well, you've put us in quite a situation, I say to her. I suppose. I apologize. I look to the shaman and I roll my eyes like, can you get a load of this lady? Just trying to get him chilled out.

Right. I'll let you do a persuasion check, please. Well, please roll a persuasion check to to emote. Get a load of this lady. That's a 23, Dan. Ooh. Wow.

That's quite a load of that lady. Right now, all you can tell is he kind of just embarrassingly puts his head in his hands and just shakes his head side to side. You've definitely bought a little bit of time, but you need to come up with a plan pretty quick for sure. Okay. I guess she,

she can only give you guys, you can have her translate. I don't need to be the only person at anything. I know. I'm just trying to think of what, what, uh, if she leaves for,

if she leaves for good, is your, is her debt satisfied or whatever? Something, you know. She gurgles. The shaman gurgles back and Princess Caspia says, Ah, well, love, supposedly I need to be made an example of because my entire people know about me and have made quite a ruckus about how I need to be made accountable for my words.

Why not just change her, send her away? And she'll be dealt with. and she'll be dealt with. Well, unfortunately, you can't ask that because you're invisible unless you want to say it and reveal yourself, at least audibly. This is really on Sarah, honestly. No, run up behind her and whisper. Yeah, whisper in her ear.

Yeah, I can whisper in her ear. Okay, well, that's going to be a stealth check. I love that we're talking about her whispering in her ear, momentarily forgetting every time that she's an octopus. Whisper in the little tube in the tube hole in the side of her cephalopod body. Ken, do you want me to try it? Sure.

I rolled a three already. Okay. But you can try. That's good, right? You definitely feel like you make a pfft pfft sound with your feet as you walk across the sand. You feel like your voice kind of echoes across. Danny, you can do something, but you feel like Tootie's revealed himself a little bit on the way to whispering. Yeah.

Judy's revealed himself a little bit on the way to whispering. Yeah. So right now you might guess that you're more advantageously hidden as the negotiations continue to get awkward and awkward and awkward. Okay. What was the plan again that you're whispering to the person? So just tell them to change you and let you leave and no one will be the wiser. Well, she says, okay, i will i will tell you i am doubtful that that will work because they they really want to i think make me seen as a pariah uh

they want they want to make an example of me they want they want me to look bad in front of the soldiers will tell other soldiers what happened here she'll be expelled forever it's not enough they want to they want to punish they don't want me to look like i got away with the thing that i was talking about. And you really walked right back into this and brought us with you, huh? Well, the language they're using is far harsher than I think I deserve or expected. An octopus has very poor hearing and detects sound waves with an organ called a statusist. Wow. Thank you, Blaine.

Just saying. What if we tell them we will agree to turn her over to them in exchange for being able to have a viewing of the hammer. Oh!

Do an insight check, Sarah. Okay. Hey, Dan. And I will answer the what if as a dungeon master. Yes, Blaine. Can I ask a question about how these fish guys, how they're armed and armored? Absolutely.

They appear to have some sort of aquatic chitin armor that is not a native to their body, but protects them from sharper objects and blunt force. They're all carrying spears. And do a perception check, Blaine. Sarah, what'd you roll? 16. I missed that, I'm sorry. 16.

Okay, thank you. 12 plus 16, 18. Sarah, you got a 16, you said? Sorry, when I hear numbers right next to each other, I completely lose it. And that is by far my biggest weakness as a Dungeon Master. That's a big 10-4. Yep.

Well, which number comes first? Yeah, so 16, 16. Yeah, you think this could work, but you might need to make a show of force to make it look like, you know, the bartering is even here. One, right now it's sort of you know, the bartering is even here. One, one. Right now, it's sort of you and invisible Tootie, if maybe the whole Castaway Cuties came out. There are far more of us and they're all invisible.

You can't, that's, you'd have to say something like that. Yeah. You just did. Okay. I'm telling her to say it to him. She goes, okay, okay, okay. And you hear her go, while she's doing this, Blaine, you get a sense, uh she's doing this, Blaine, you get a sense. These guys are pretty well armored.

You think they seem to have some sort of natural protection as well as armor because they've got some like brightly colored spines growing out of their body that stick out of the armor in places. And the back two guys have crossbows made of this weird material stuck to their backs. Like it's on a strap back there. So they look like they might be ready for ranged attack as well. The shaman is carrying a staff that's got some sort of magical looking qualities to it. Princess Caspia reports. Thank you, Dan.

He says says prove it Hmm Just reveal yourself I could send a message to Nathan And the rest in hiding I just screamed You're watching this right i mean okay yeah me sarah do a sarah well yeah all you guys are asking roll your uh roll yourself a uh behind us what's a good one for

shouting to get attention yeah um i think that's performance um chris and Ken what were you guys about to say well Ken was asking if we're watching but I feel Jelf and I are sort of like 35 feet back I think if you guys are whispering into her ear I think we're kind of I think what we saw was

tell me if I'm wrong we saw Iva run out nobody's attacked so I feel like we're kind of like watching it go back and forth. Yeah, you saw Iva's illusion of a fish person. You probably could hear me tell what I was telling her. I wasn't whispering. So you probably heard me say the thing about like,

ask what the crime is and then what she described. And also her saying that they said prove it. Yeah, she would have said prove it. I got a 17 on my Burke scream. Great. Noted, Sarah. The rest of Berk scream. Great. Noted, Sarah. The rest of you, yeah, everyone at this point, all your characters are well aware that

things are escalating and that the fish folk don't really think this is a bartering situation unless they see proof there is an equal or larger force escorting the princess. We're talking six armored soldiers and a shaman. So they start to leave?

No, but they're ready to attack. I don't want them to attack. We're saying we'll turn her in. If we're saying, hey, let's trade her. I'm not actually. Yeah. And it feels like if it goes south any second, they're just going to come grab the princess, drag

her underwater, and attack whatever visible person they see. I'm trying to use her for leverage and then we can get to see this... Someone's screaming in my house. I assume someone who lives here. I hope it's not someone you know. It's a small person. Is that the Postmates guy?

Those are the screeching eels. Screaming about Legos, so probably not. But what was I saying? I was saying we're trying to use her for leverage to get to see, quote unquote, the hammer. And then we'll just take her and the hammer is my thinking. I communicate all of this to you guys with my eyes. Perfect. Nathan will point his carrot-shaped wand at the shaman and cast Message.

Okay. And say into his head, like, no one needs to die, least of all you. Why not change her and send her away? Then no one has to die, especially not you. My name is Nathan. Do a persuasion check. While you're talking, you guys think you hear something behind you. Everybody do a perception check.

10 for persuasion. 15 to 6, 21. You guys see the shaman What was those perceptions? Again, 5 from Tutti. 14 from Iva. What did Jelf get?

21. Oh, delightful. And Danny N., what did you get? 16 plus 3, 19. All right. Nathan, as you cast message, you see him receive it and he presses two fingers

to, slimy fish fingers, to his temple, but he's like shaking his head and kind of like curling his teeth, showing his teeth like shaking his head and kind of like curling his teeth, showing his teeth, curling his lip back. Like you can tell he's like confused and doesn't quite understand what's happening. I look at Jelf. I don't think he speaks common. It's weird.

Why is he the shaman? And as you're doing that, Jelf and Danny, you hear this sort of huffing and grunting noise coming from the jungle behind you. Oh, right. The monster, the giant monsters.

Hmm. I did just scream Burke. All right. All right. Right. Right. It could either be a giant monster or Burke. That's his name right burke yep

so like is it coming like directly towards us feels like any second uh i'm going to uh i'm gonna get ready to defend myself i'm gonna draw my sword all right

uh you guys um ready to defend myself. I'm going to draw my sword. All right. You guys all see rushing forward, holding what looks like a greataxe, Burke. And he's just like... And he's charging straight for the fish

people. Wow. Okay. Do we do another hold? To Burke? You're telling him to hold? Yeah, I was calling him here, not calling him immediately. I don't think he has a hold function. Do a persuasion check, Iva. I'm going to give him a little cup of water as he runs past me.

I mean, because all the fish people see this and they're totally like at attention. And you have a split second here. It's a 10. To do the, yeah, you know what? Sorry. That's not enough. So Burke just like charges right, almost steps on Princess Caspia into the fish people.

Everybody roll for initiative, please. Yeah, boy. 15 to 419. Damn it. Hang on. When you shout out the number without me prompting you, it increases the chance that I will forget it before I can write it down. 19

from Jelf. Danny, what did you get? 17 total. Beautiful. Thank you. Nathan, what did you get? 17 total. Beautiful. Thank you. Nathan, what'd you get? 11. Ha-cha. Iva, what'd you get? 8. Somewhere in the city. What was that, Iva? 8. Thank you.

I love making Blaine smile with the reference that he didn't go for. Sorry. 2D, what'd you get? Initiative 8. smile with the reference that he didn't go for. Go, he's sorry. Tootie, what'd you get? Initiative 8. Great. I want a ferocious gritty.

And the back of my neck is dirty and gritty. Alright, so here we go. Die Hard 3 opens with that song. It's so perfect. I think it's really a Christmas movie 3. Ha ha ha. So

Jelf, you see I don't know if you noticed I've revealed the Berk token. He's right next to Princess Caspia right now. Also, I gotta do a little rearrange here because we've now got Iva up next to the princess and Tootie sort of behind the princess. So that's more of an accurate lineup right there.

Jelf, you are up first. there. Jelf, you are up first. Now, who does Burke seem to be heading for? The first two guys? You're not sure exactly. It looks like he kind of wants to get

in the thick of it and just try to lop the heads off as many of them as he can. Alright. I'm going to ask my friends in the party, is it okay if I just try to lop the heads off as many of them as he can. All right. So, uh, I'm going to ask my, my,

my friends in the party. Is it okay if I just start shooting these fish guys with arrows? You never asked us before, and I don't think you should start now. Okay. I'm just going to start, I'm just going to start filling these fish guys. I'm going to try to shoot,

uh, delaying them perhaps. Yeah. Yeah. I'm going to see if I can, if I can shoot the one or both of the guys with the crossbows.

Guys in the back, roll to attack. 14 plus a thing. Guys in the back, roll to attack. 18. They go into the ballroom blitz. How's it going, Blitz? My kid was walking around all day going, Miss Construzzi's.

What have you done? Dance club in a quiet lounge. Hey, did you roll a 20-sided dice and add your attack modifier to a plane? I did. It was 18. Oh, thank you. That's a hit. Roll your damage, please. With an arrow, that is a 1d8. Plus four piercing. So that's a six.

All right. Yeah. And can I get another hit on the other guy? Let's see. You do get two attacks per action, so you absolutely may. You can try anyway. Oh, 19. That's 23.

Oh, that's definitely a hit. Please roll that damage, please. That's a nine. Awesome. So you do nine damage. I mean, like, you feel like you're just, like, absolutely nailing these two guys. Those are two very good hits.

Anything else you'd like to do like say move this turn uh okay have i done a joke about uh wanting to uh squeeze the shaman yet no but i see what you did there okay let me i'm gonna roll to do a squeeze the shaman joke. Okay. Two. Yeah, I felt that one. Alright. Up next we've got the shaman. Oh. Wish I would have squeezed it when I had the chance. So. A thorn whipple.

The shaman sort of like just sort of puts both hands to his temple and starts muttering something in fish language. And that is his. That's not good. That's his turn. Up next, we've got Danny.

We're rather in buttering something in fish language. Sarah, did you just hear that burst of noise from my house? I didn't because my headphones just cut out. I'm having internet. I just want you to know that it's not just you. It's not just me. That's good to know. The door opened and Rhodes is yelling at Fortnite,

like all of Fortnite. I could hear it. Everybody who's ever played it, everybody who has downloaded it, he's mad at all of them. Oh, I've played it. He's pissed at you. It's a lot of mad.

Tell him tell on behalf of somebody who quit the game a year and a half ago because I realized I hated it. Tell him I'm sorry. I'll try to calm him down. Thank you. It turns them into monsters. I mean, it really it's so fast and uh please never again anyway the only game worse than that is what's that game called fall guys that game is oh boy don't do it i didn't play that you're like a bunch of jellybean people who the whole point of the game is to get through an obstacle course

while shoving other people down you're just a jellybean that shoves people out of the game is to get through an obstacle course while shoving other people down. You're just a jelly bean that shoves people out of the way on an obstacle course. It's... Anyway. I played the Resident Evil demo this weekend and threw up. Oh, was it VR? No, I get motion sickness

from it. Just the regular game? Wow. I just threw the hell up, yeah. Ken, do you think the game tried to poison you? Oh my god. Call someone. I'm going to call you and tell you about this. I'm going to call Brian and let him know that Danny Yen is next in the turn order. Yes, yeah, I'm ready.

Oh, and also, note to Sam, my QuickTime did not record for some reason, so I am starting it afresh right now. Yay! Sorry about that. It was stuck at three seconds. QuickTime does this to me every once in a while.

Just get a couple seconds in. Anyway, Danny, you saw Jelf fire off two arrows and hit the two crossbow-wielding guys in the back, and then the shaman started chanting something. Okay. I am going to stealthily, while I'm still invisible, I'm going to try to flank them

and get around the other side. Great. Start picking guys off from behind. I'll tell you, it's not going to be a crazy high difficulty check because you are invisible, but I'm also going to give you advantage because you're invisible. So go ahead and roll stealth with advantage on this. on us uh i got an 18 and a 16 and then my stealth is high my stealth is a five i believe right oh shit yeah you you destroyed this one so

add like silent oh my stealth is a six sorry yeah yeah just absolutely like a barn owl at midnight you just like glide through the water behind the two crossbow guys okay um he did there's no more um dnd doesn't have sneak attacks anymore right or it doesn't work the same way no it's it's more of a something that backstabbing i mean yeah yeah backstabbing is is really for rogues only and it's got very specific like different context than you're probably thinking of okay well i mean i won't come visible till i attack right so uh'm going to creep up on one of these dudes and just slice his throat from behind. And then as soon as the other one sees what I did to his friend,

I'll attack him. Great. Roll to attack with advantage. Okay. And it's just an unarmed. Well, no, I've got my short sword, so I'm gonna... Yeah. But is...

Do I have to do a stealth roll or just... You already did. Yeah, right, okay. You get advantage because you're invisible. Nice. Nice. The 16 plus... It's a strength roll, right?

Uh-huh. Yeah, so 16 plus 6. Your weapon has its own plus. Oh, weapon. Your short sword is plus 6 to hit. So, right. same thing yeah 16 plus six yeah it's a roll your damage all right this world brought to you by he day be day for men for balls oh nice I'll take it

a fucking six and then uh plus three I thought maybe you had dirty balls so yeah you suddenly appear and he clutches his throat blood is just like pouring out he's not dead but he's like really

in bad shape he's like and his friend looks over at you uh i'm gonna brian are you looking at the map i'm gonna move your token for you um okay you're you're now uh right here or do you want to be farther back in the water that's perfect yeah yeah so you're a little farther you're you're the deepest in the water of anybody so you can get kind of a little space between these guys. And then you're going to try to stab the other guy? Yeah.

Okay. Go ahead and roll to attack. This time, not with advantage. Just one 20-sided dice, please. Because now the guy's like, oh, Jesus. Except he goes... What'd you roll 12 plus 6

is that a hit 18 Jesus should be right yes I think I think you're on a real hot streak Brian I don't think you've missed a roll in like 30 episodes nice yeah you

you just slash across the other guy's neck he's not as damaged from Jelfs Arrow but he's still in pretty bad shape after getting slashed so these guys are like oh Jesus Christ and that'll pretty much do it for you sir I believe

but you made short work of them nathan it's your turn i don't like the shaman making mystical whispers i don't care for that at all squeeze him so i'm going i'm going to move out from oh i can't control my token can you i'm gonna try and run out uh the spell i want to cast has a 30 foot range so i want to move up to the edge of that so i'm just 30 within 30 feet of the i just fixed your token if you'd be so cool i think i think um when i tried to set it it didn't take so i'm gonna go through everybody and try to do the same thing. So I think now I'm 30 feet.

Yeah, I'm 30 feet. So now that I'm just in range, I will pull out my wand and cast Witch Bolt on the Shaman. It's just a spell attack. the shaman it's just a spell attack so a 20 not a natural 20 but a 20 to hit great um while you roll your damage he is going to roll to keep his concentration oh not great one point of damage oh shucks, a magical sort of electrical shock comes out of my wand and just gives him a little... But the cool thing about Witch Bolt is, as long as I make that my action,

it's sort of like the Emperor from Return of the Jedi energy. There's now a connection between my wand and him, and I can keep shocking him each turn if that's what I want to do. Gotcha. Well, yeah, I mean, it doesn't do much damage and he doesn't lose concentration, but he goes like that when you hit him.

Naughty, naughty. Is that it for you, sir? That's it. Cool beans? I don't like that phrase.iva you're up um okay so do i have advantage um on a ranged attack right now because of where danny is uh you know you need to be he needs to be flanked you really can't have advantage with flanking on ranged attacks okay um okay then i guess sorry every time i open roll 20 it like crashes within my zoom so the sound so i'm um trying to get the lay of the land here and which one is that

where's the i'm sorry which one is the shaman he's in the middle he's right in the middle okay um then i guess i'm gonna go ahead and just oh you know what you are? You are. I just looked the rule up. It is considered flanking according to a thing. I just read. Great. Awesome. Um, then that's a, uh,

sneak attack for me. Um, so I'm going to go ahead and shoot an arrow. Okay. Go for it. Okay. I will. Um, the guy in the back, not the guy in the back not the shaman no the shaman oh does it have to be the guy in the back the shaman is also within five feet of him i thought but no the shaman is

about 10 15 feet away okay we need the shaman to to turn her into the rabbit yeah but i mean you can you know or we could just get him up and break us he's right now you do have to uh contend with that he does seem to be casting some sort of spell that requires a turn okay um then it was the guy and that was a 14 to hit i don't know if that hit the shaman no because you said i had to do the other guy so i did well you don't have to that's to get sneak attack your motives were unclear to me so i i get it now um yes to get sneak attack uh and unfortunately no that is not a hit okay um i only have one attack per action unfortunately so what i'm gonna do now is I'm going to use my bonus action, Eye for Detail, to make a perception check to spot any hidden creatures or objects

that we might be missing in this fight. Okay, do you have to make a roll for that, or do you just automatically... Yeah, perception check. Yeah, do a perception check. Cool, that was a five, so just fucking forget i said anything i'm just gonna turn my mic off and my camera goodbye oh sarah if it helps there's a solid chance that if you'd roll higher you would have found something special oh you've really done it now

get that angry for that sweet heat wax all over your body like in Game of Thrones with the molten gold. Oh, no. Well, at least I'll die like a king. All right, so... Dan, I'm kidding. I would never do that. A chicken a la king. Hmm, okay.

I'm full of very confused feelings on that one. Then that'll bring us to Tootie. You're up. I'm going of very confused feelings on that one then that'll bring us to 2D you're up I'm going to cast hold person on the shaman we'll see if it works nice great so here that comes

8 nice so he's held paralyzed nice so he's held paralyzed paralyzed paralyzed I'm just checking the rules

on this let's see unless the caster takes damage or is unconscious they maintain concentration so he is paralyzed but he can continue to cast the spell. What? Okay.

At least I think so. I think the caster of the whole person maintains concentration to hold the spell on the castee. I think the caster of the whole person is maintaining its concentration. To hold the spell on the castee. Well, he's in the middle of casting. Yeah. But it paralyzed him and his brain.

Hey, Blaine, can you let us know what this rules arbitration is brought to us by, please? Mm-mm, suds. Mm-mm, suds. That's what Campbell's soaps are. Mm-mm, suds. From clean chicken. Mushroom lather. Campbell's soaps keep my kids clean from the inside out mm mm suds

mm mm suds that's what Campbell's soaps are mm mm suds Dan thank you Blaine uh so according to what I'm looking at it says the target must succeed a wisdom saving throw will be paralyzed for the duration at the end of each turn it can make

another wisdom saving throw correct to try to become unparalleled correct and i am reading a tweet uh from jeremy crawford the principal's rule designer of Dungeons & Dragons, who says that casting hold person actually makes the person also incapacitated and breaks the spell. So, yeah, he is held and the spell is no longer being cast. Ooh, I like it. Wow, went to the judges on that one. Thank you, Jeremy Crawford of Dungeons and Dragons for tweeting and

stuff like this awesome anything else you'd like to do to do maintain concentration and hold this person great and on that note the shaman momentarily paused and things actually looking up for the castaway cuties we'll have to find out how that battle ends next time on Nerdy Pokes.

Sam Wise. Hi, everybody. What do you think happened, man? On episode 37, the octopus is coming out of the lake with her uncle and we're keeping her from being imprisoned, I think. We're buying time. We're whispering.

Burke's attacking. like burke he reminds me of old us uh we're we're in battle we're shooting arrows and we're stabbing necks and we're shooting with wands and now that the episode is over i wish all you cowboys happy trails oh hey brian i had fun on your may 4th show thanks for letting me do that nice that was fun it was a good show yeah um thanks for watching chris sure of course what do you got you want to plug dan oh sure i'll be performing at the sacramento comedies spot on may 28th uh if if it's not too late if it is too late oh well i'll probably be doing some outdoor uh live comedy indoor still feels like it's maybe putting audience members uh at risk a little much for me because i'm a coward um but uh to each their own and uh i am just feeling out

my own uh comfort levels with live comedy. I've still got my Twitch show happening on Fridays. Thank you all. Or as Borat would say, thank you in bastardized Polish. I'm in the same boat as you, dude. I have a gig at the end of the month. I have five shows in a club and i'm kind of nervous about it because i haven't i've done outdoor stuff and i've done obviously shows in my

nerd cave here but the going back to and it's in a basement it's the american comedy company i just feel like below ground that's that's like where you get yeah i mean just my advice to any of our listeners and you my friend don't be ashamed of asking for extra medical support like if it's box fans in the windows or or whatever uh mask rules you want to ask for don't be shy yeah i. I should just have a fan in front of me blasting the audience. And just cough into it the whole time. Yeah. Because I'm vexed. But yeah, I just don't want their shit blowing back up on me.

Cool. Farting possibilities. Oh, you think I'm looking out for other people? No, no, no, no, no. If you want to see someone who cares about their audience, check out Dan Telfer, a competing comedian. Yeah, and if you want to see a comedian that's completely skeeved at you, come see me.

Or me. There's actually a lot of options out there folks yeah tell them where you're going to be doing all of it brian uh brian persane.com is where you would find uh ticket links and the like and then i'll be in cobs next month the cobs i'm a little less worried about uh cobs has got giant theater ceilings it feels yeah it's a huge building and they're you know it's they're doing it in half capacity and it should be fun. And I'm there with Irene, too, who is

one of the funniest comics out there. So it's going to be great. That's it for me. Cool. Anybody else, Blaine? Oh, uh, Stacy, Keech, and I are going to uh we're opening lego land guam

and uh i'm working on his monologue and then we're just going to keep keep heading east and uh we go to okinawa and he's grand marshal of the tj hooker fest that's nice uh i gotta work on his monologue for that too. That's going to be rough. Was he even on TJ Hooker? I don't think so. I think he's just a fan. Okay. Thanks, Glenn.

I was going as an attendee. Yeah, well, they made him grab him. He's really into it. He's got a whole room. Of TJ Hooker stuff? Yeah, it's weird. And I don't think he's ever met Lee Majors. Thanks for listening, everybody.

Thanks for listening to another episode of Nerd Poker. You can follow us at patreon.com slash nerdpoker and you get bonus episodes from there. And you can also send us anything at P.O. Box 16069 Encino, California 91416 Thanks for listening.