Nerd Poker - S4E38 Lake Boss

Episode Date: June 1, 2021

The Castaway Cuties bring their scrappy lake-beach battle to a conclusion as they hope to dive beneath the waves and recover an ancient hammer. Will an NPC get squished? Will the crew make a decision that perplexes even themselves only a few minutes later? Why this is Nerd Poker, of course.

Hey everybody, I'm Brian Poussin, Comedian, writer, actor, nerd. I've been playing D&D with my friends for a long time. I decided to do a new podcast where we play Dungeons & Dragons in my very own dining room. With my wife, kid, and my noisy dogs. So meet my friends Sarah, Kev, Dan, Lee, Chris. Now it's time for another episode of Brian Poussaint's Nerd Poker. Season 4. Welcome to Brian Poussaint's Nerd Poker.

This is Rhodes Poussaint. Episode 38. And Sierra missed. Thanks, sir. Nice. Thanks, buddy. See you later, guys. See ya. Thanks, buddy. Bye, buddy. Nice. Thanks, buddy. See you later, guys. See ya. Bye, buddy.

That was Rhodes, my son, everybody, and now my friends. Oh, that guy. Hey, Chris, what's up? Hey, Brian, you know, just keeping it easy and breezy. I like it. Thank you. Blaine is here, everybody. Hi, Brian, I'm keeping it easy and peasy.

Oh, nice. I would expect as much. Ken. I'll go with cheesy and sleazy. I love that. And Ken's wearing a monster shirt. It just says monster on it. And that was the name of one of my mom's boyfriends,

everybody. Ken the Monster. His name was Ken, but I just called him Ken the Monster for my whole life. Yeah, he didn't know that. Yeah, that wasn't his given name. I know that I'm wearing this shirt. Ken the Monster.

Everybody. I got some shit to work out still no that's alright I don't need any triggers at all I just do it on my own Dan's here in the middle monsters and junk what's up buddy

hi it's just me and George and Wheezy and patient as always as I get through this it's sarah everybody hey sarah hi i forgot the whole the structure of the bit that we were doing with the rhymes i'm sorry i got distracted when we started talking about yeah childhood trauma real soon yeah yeah we say wheezy and squeezy greasy i'm traumatized by roads growing up. That was where mine came from.

It's insane. Yeah, it's a lot. Well, and because he's going to be, he's not going to be my size, but somewhere there, somewhere close. You can already tell he's. He's passing Melanie like in the next month or two, I think. Man. You don't think he'll be as tall as you?

She's 5'3". The doctors always said no when he was a kid that they, the way they, they said he's going to be in the upper, what do they call it, 90%, but it's not, he's not going to be a freak show like his dad. Not the 1% like you. And he's going to have hair. Ha ha ha.

Sorry, it's my hair. Sam's here, everybody. Give it up for Sam. Sweet children, except for Rhodes. Hello, sweet adult. How's Roman doing? Let's find out. Hey, he's down there. He's down.

I was behind a thing. That was great. That was awesome. That was a new one. Yeah. He should seriously have his own. He needs his own IG, his own show. He runs all the variations.

He's like Peter Sellers. He's his own laughing wall. It's starting to kick Tugboat off the top of dog Instagrams. That's going to be hard, but I think I can do it. I'm going to look up Tugboat. Dan, anybody you want to address?

Yes. It's time for me to launch my platform for the governor of California. I will address you all now as the, yeah, well, excuse me. Yeah, I'm going to, instead of doing that, thank all of our Patreon supporters. Thank you all of each and every one of you. But we're going to give some shouts out to the, the tears known as star Goyle and Hey boss. Uh, so thank you to users on Patreon who go by names like Matt DeMarco.

Thanks Matt. I think I know him from Chicago improv. I think he listens to the show. That guy that I know. Uh, thank you. Two in the pink one D four in the stink. Oh dear. Wow. Thank you. Two in the pink, one D4 in the stink.

Wow, come on! Thanks Shlubblebutt. That's more like it. Thank you, Brian Hall. Thanks, Brian Hall. Thanks, Brian. Thanks. Wolves ate my house. This is a silly one.

That's unfortunate. This is a silly one. That's unfortunate. This is a group of sillies. This round of Patriots supporters. Thanks, Colby Allen. Like the cheese. Oh my God. Ernie. You guys really quick. I'm quick to you. Ernie is now by the door that he insisted

he be on this side of begging to be let out. Hey, Blaine, can you do a quick commercial while i go let this french bulldog uh self-imposed prison yeah mom mom i'm hungry i'll whip you up a court of noodles court of noodles noodles in a big old court court of noodles noodles in a big old court. Court of noodles. Dan. Thanks, Blaine. Also, thank you, Aaron, listening from Ecuador, Murphy.

Thank you. Thank you. Nice. This was so far away. Thank you, Nikki DeGrossier. Have fun pronouncing my last name and protect Gus. Thanks. Hope I got it right

a little too late Nicky uh day grossier uh thank you Dr. Balls paging Dr. MF Balls welcome back thanks Robert Nichols thank you thanks

Latwig next one is making me laugh because I saw it coming. Thanks, Billy's Cinderblock Airport Bag. Thanks. Thanks, Enders. I'm telling you, this is like the silliest group and one I've ever had. Thank you, Danny's Bahamut-sized Math Class Oops Boner. Oh, what?

Danny's Bahamut-sized math class oops boner. So that means Danny Yen is in math class, and he has an oopsie boner the size of Bahamut. Thank you, Shane. Thank you. Come back, Shane. Thanks for Dan for spelling that one out. Listen,

I just want everyone to enjoy this podcast as much as I do. Thank you. Natural 22. If I have to explain, I'm sending my money to the wrong podcast. Thank you. JJ Lee. Thank you.

Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Rihaw. Thank you. Cookie fish. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you, Reha. Ha ha ha. Thank you, Cookiefish. Thank you. Thank you, Albert Keistein. Thank you. Thank you. And

finally, thank you, Terry's sweet and hot Aricocra fried thighs. Mmm. Delumptious. Blaine, who are those Patreon supporters brought to us by? I am Valerina. You need insurance.

I want to insure you. Come to my office for the lowest rates on comp collision. Home, quake, flood, and fire. There's a fire in me that wants to protect you. To insure you. Bring your premiums. I will protect them. Give me your deductibles. I will keep them low. I am Valerina. I have offices all over the city, one near you. Please come and see me. I wait, wait to insure you. I am Valerina. I wait, wait to insure you.

I'm Valerina. You're Valerina Maeve Harry. Dan. Oh my gosh. Thanks, Blaine. I need new insurance. Is that based on an actual insurance ad? I think it's based on a series of billboards that I saw.

That's what I was going to say. I feel like I've seen this. Really? It was a sexy insurance company? A sexy insurance lady. Yeah, it's very intense. Wow. Do all of those billboards have a 30 second wind up as well? Like where it's just like so much tension before you see it. You're like, oh my God, what is this? I kept waving to

Seth out in the truck and he's out there. He's like on the phone. I'm like, dude, dude, dude dude we started at 7 30 well uh speaking of getting started let me tell you what happened last time on nerd poker the castaway cuties are trying to get some sort of mystical powerful hammer of Bahamut out of Mega Lake Pangodon and in the process got into quite a pickle trying to get the princess to help them? No. The princess that they had brought with is not much help at all.

In fact, she's made things much more complicated. At least you know what you're dealing with as a shaman and six soldiers now engage you in combat. We bring you to combat already started in episode 37. So we left off with I believe 2D

just having done something, yes? Held person paralyzing the shop. One of the beautiful things about paladins is they can go smashy smash and then also abracadabra. So you were able to cast a spell that is holding the shaman, was trying to cast a spell, and he's going to be able to make a wisdom saving throw next round.

But in the meantime, he is going gilk. And up next in the meantime he is going gilk and up next in the turn order is Berk um nope not Berk Berk is after one of the fish people the Galaxian um

who is holding his throat is going to go uh okay so he Danny uh the guy is going to go. Okay, so he, Danny, the guy, oh, I'm sorry, you're eating food directly in the microphone. I'll describe this to you, and so you know what I'm about to ask of you, Brian. The guy who you first slit his throat, remember how you went for two guys in the back?

The first guy you slit the throat of how you went for two guys in the back um the first guy you uh sort of who's looking the worst off he stumbles backwards and tries to submerge and swim away you get an attack of opportunity if you want to kill him rather than let him escape uh yeah roll 20 sided roll 20 sided 13 plus what would the plus 6 that's a hit all your damage sir

and am I using my sword on that so it's a 6 yes 3 plus 3 I think so it's a sixer yes three all right three i think yeah so let's see here yeah you know um boy oh boy uh how you want to see this guy die brian um let's see oh he uh let's see oh he uh

he's he's flailing at himself as water starts to rush into his uh the holes you know into his body and the holes ice cut in him so he's like he's like drowning as he dies yeah yeah that is messy and dark.

Gonna have a nightmare thanks to my friend Brian Poussain. All right, so... Number three on the country chart. Finally, we have Burke, who I thought was earlier. So Burke is going to run in and start hacking at these two front guys. First one to hit. Hacking it, hacking it, hacking it. So he takes his great axe and just goes,

and like lands it right in this guy's shoulder blade, pulls it out and just like gore and, and gristle just like pours out of him. And he's like, and then he goes to the other guy on the other side and goes shrunk. Yep. And,

straight up decapitates that one. Yikes. So just like squish and the guy's like barely alive and the other guy, uh, instant kill. So there he goes. Bloop. Uh, then we have, that guy is dead. oh my gosh so clearly things are not going great for the galaxians um you have the attention of a few of them though uh burke so they're gonna dog pile on you yeah what i think you're talking to yourself right now Dan yeah I am have you gone mad? no I'm just narrating it for the listener

alright so I'm rolling a few of these guys in a row because they did all roll low for initiative only Berk's not here man yeah I mean you just see you see these three guys all pile on top of Bert

and just starts hacking at him. And it looks like they might be doing some damage. Nothing Bert can't handle. But all the soldiers basically go, and the one that he hasn't killed and the one Danny killed are obviously not a part of the dog pile. And there's one that Danny messed up pretty bad.

Still back there. The guy back there with you who's still next to you, Danny, is going to try to stab you. Okay. Danny, you took that really well. He's welcome to it man this is

not looking great for the fish folk 10 to hit oh no that would be a miss for him I have a 16 armor class right and now he's going to try to bite you

hmm how's in 19 armor class. Alright, and now he's going to try to bite you. How's in 19? That would be a bite. You're going to take six points of piercing damage. Jesus! What kind of teeth does he have? Big fucking piranha. Master fish teeth. That's how you're going to turn into

a sandwich. Listeners at home, the Galaxians are a combination of two existing fish people that I kind of mashed together, the Kua Toas and the Lokethas. Hey, guys, how would I do that on D&D and beyond putting that hit? If you're on your page, you should be able to click a little up and down arrow next to your current hp it's a it's a thing you can actually write the number and then click damage is the fastest way to do it in that little box there next to your hit points that says temp hp or no i opened up my management management. Oh no, not in HP management.

It's like, are you on your character sheet? Yeah, I'm just on the main sheet. Yeah, don't click on it. Oh, but I'm in edit mode or whatever. If you're just on the main sheet without the management pop-up, then yeah, there's a little thing where you just go digitute enter. Okay, I'll do it on my other one.

What did you say, six? Yep. Okay, got it. While Brian is doing damage math, Jelf, you are up. So all these fish guys have moved to attack Burke, right? I'm down here. I'm going to... With the exception of one who's engaging Danny in the back, the guy you hit.

You hit two guys with arrows. Danny finished one of them off danny's engaged with the other still and who's uh who's surrounding the queen the princess here uh right now iva and tootie are kind of like near her doing their own thing but they're not um like engaging her much okay and and the the the Charmin guy he's gone frozen and alone at the moment okay I'm gonna shoot him I'm gonna shoot him with one of my elf arrows and it goes a little something like this 19 plus 4. 23. That's a hit. That is a d8. Plus. For piercing.

6 plus 4, 10. So, 10 points. Yep, you just... Like you land an arrow that just gets stuck right in his neck. Okay, good. And there's another guy next to him? Nope. Oh, there's not?

There's a guy behind him and a couple of guys in front of him. And not really... Well, I guess if you look at the map, yeah, they're kind of next to him. They're looking more at Burke, though. Okay, I'm going to shoot one of the guys. It's the closest guy that's on Burke. Sounds good. 12 plus... so 16.

That's a hit. 7 plus 4 is 11. Thank heaven. Okay. Starting to look a little beat up. There's a good arrow shot to him that goes right in his armor, but gets in the soft spot. Yes. The shaman is now going to try to break his old person.

That'll be a 20. How dare he? That, I believe, is also at the end of his turn. Yes. Yes. So, uh, that's going to be the entirety of his turn. And, uh, yeah, he's like grabbing the arrow, like, oh, and like yanks it out. Uh, but other than that, no, uh, Danny, you're up.

Okay. Um, looking at the guy. Hold on. I've already done some damage on this guy. Or is this the guy? Yes. The one I haven't fucked up as much. Correct.

You still slashed across him, but you didn't get the jump on this one. Okay. but you didn't get the jump on this one. Okay. Excuse me. Remind me on Flurry of Blows. Is that something I can do with a weapon, or is that an unhanded? Is that an unarmed strike?

Excuse me. A hiccuping. You can spend a key point. So immediately after you take an attack action on your turn, you can spend a key point to make two unarmed strikes. So you have to use regular attack action and then you can unarmed. Bam, bam. Okay.

So flurry of blows is an unarmed strike it's after your regular attack gotcha okay but I have to expel a key correct do it in the other direction I know it did sound weird

is that not the right spend maybe yeah maybe you're right. Brian, you ate an entire wheel of brie by yourself. That's not good for you. I didn't mean to shit out the key, but. But it sounds fun. Expel a key point, maybe, is what I meant.

At least you didn't say ejaculate. Thank you. Oh, expend, maybe? Oh, say ejaculate. Expend, maybe. Yeah, you said that last time. I don't know. Could you expectorate the key point from your inventory?

Toss off? You could extrude it. Toss off a key point. Oh, it's true. Yeah, I'll see you guys later. Please place a fingertip on either side of the key point and press. Discharge. Jesus Christ.

Are you going to attack? Yes, I am. Oh. It's going to be so great. Here we go. I'm going to swing on the guy first with my short sword. Yes. See what happens.

Oh, God. Pretty much as far from a hit as you can be. Two and then plus six. Oh, that's your first miss in a while, though, if that makes you feel any better. So you... But now you can still flurry bullets. Expend, expel, discharge, expectorate, ejaculate a ki point,

and take two unarmed strikes. Yes. Drop off a ki point, and take two unarmed strikes. Yes. Drop off a key point at the pool. Oh, Jesus. All right, yeah. I'll take my first unarmed strike. One ring. 18.

That's a hit. Plus six. Jesus. That is 13, but plus six, it's still a hit. Yeah. Jesus. Not as 13, but plus six. It's still a hit. Yes. Oh,

and then damage on both. Wait, 13 plus six is. Yeah. Yeah. That's a hit. And then on arm strike would be a one D six plus three. Okay.

But twice, right? Yes, sir. Well, no, for you, you got a roll to hit twice oh so four okay so he takes if i only get one roll four plus three great and now you roll 20 sided one more time to do one more unarmed strike oh i rolled twice i i'm sorry oh oh the second one was also

the other number got it okay, that was the other one. Sure, yeah. You rolled that damage also. Okay, cool. Misunderstood why there were so many numbers. I rolled them together. I rolled them together. Sure, I heard your numbers twice,

but I thought you were correcting yourself. No, I rolled two. And then a five on this one. A five plus three. I'm glad we got that sorted. And yes, you nail him with two more punches. How would you like to see him die um let's see just thoughtfully no on that last punch just uh Just, uh... I... His... I hit his jaw, and it just...

I feel it break, or I see it break. I see his whole... Oh, Jesus Christ. His... His head go away where he can't breathe anymore. Oh, my God. You know, like... You'd be a really good murderer.

I just seen a million movies just a horrible way to describe it i turned his head so he can't breathe anymore it would obstruct this whole all the he's got going on oh yeah you've been very good Yeah, very. Spell the light out of them. Heavens to if I may, Betsy. Mary Jason up. Yeah, that'll do it. Well, then that sleeping bag Jason kills so bad.

One of the gnarliest. That X. No, I feel like earlier, right? Well, there is one earlier. There's an early. He does do it in x yeah he does it in x that uh i love that one i really hate it and that when they're in the yeah when they're in like the vr right yeah yeah hey nathan you see uh one of the fish people just get like

their jaw smashed wide open uh Danny in the back. Wait, I hate to do this, but if all of our listeners could brace themselves, could you perhaps perform for us a Nathan screech? Sure. Oh my goodness! Okay. What else would Nathan like to do besides screech? Oh, it's my turn. I

will... The guy's still being... The shaman's still being held, right? He broke the... He shook it off. Oh, he did? Then I will continue my witch bolt against him as my action, and he will take...

Oh, no. Guys, when I drop my D12 on the floor... No, I can't see it. Guys, I'm going to, on the fly... Do it digitally. Yeah, I'm going to roll a... Oh, I can do it on my character sheet, right? Yeah.

And it'll add all your stuff. Tap it if you got a touchscreen. Singing the praises of this let me do this uh oh I have it turned off I apologize this is taking way too long you're forgiven Miss Construzies

a sports bar and a place to read Miss Construzies a sports bar and a place to read misc and struzies a sports bar and a place to read Dan just a sting I do three points of damage from my

little more electric witch bolt against the guy you hear him screech what does it sound like alright electric witch bolt against the guy. You hear him screech. Ooh. What does it sound like? He goes, ahem. Ooh! Sounds like that hedgehog that was hanging out with us.

Yeah, the noodles, yeah, it's very, very noodles-esque. And that'll end your turn, Nathan? That's it. Iva, you're up. All right. So I guess I'm going to, I mean, really, do we want to kill the shaman? I feel like no, probably, right?

Probably. The princess doesn't want you to. It's truly up to you guys whether or not you value that transaction. Okay. I'm just going to go ahead and shoot not you value that transaction. Okay, I'm just gonna go ahead and shoot the um one of the guys here. Right, the one right in front of me.

Uh, yeah. I think I, you know, the one I'm pinging? Yes. Great. Roll to attack. Yeah. I can pull it up. I will. Miss Construzies.

24. That is very much a hit. Roll your damage. Nice. Six points of damage. Great. So yeah, right in his side. It's pretty healthy.

What else would you like to do? I'd like to use my bonus action. I for detail, when I use this last time, I failed so badly and you told me I would have seen something. And then that caused me to threaten your life. And so I feel like I need to make it up to both of us by making the role this time. All right.

Can I request that you just like threaten my life for fun this time? Just for fun? Sure, I'm happy to. Cool, roll a perception and then please threaten my life. Okay. Roll a perception. It's a 15. Okay.

Dan. I'm waiting for the threat before I give you what you actually rolled for. Dan, if this 15 doesn't show me what I want to see in here, I wish it was like a giant boulder. Like that roll, that D20 is like that boulder that Indiana Jones rolled. He's like running away and that boulder comes and he's like, what? And like, that's you. Except like that boulder comes and he's gotta be like, what? And like, that's you,

except like that boulder's rolling right at you and you're like, no. And then you gotta like jump out of the way and be like, ah, it's a D20. The eye is so ironic. But if I get what I want from this roll, then none of this has to happen and you will live to see another game.

You're not sure what it is, but it feels like something is not happening that was happening when the shaman was chanting. Right now, there's a lack of it, but suddenly you get this moment of recall where you're like, right now it's there's a lack of it but suddenly you get this moment of recall where you're like did i see something earlier something feels like it's less active now that the shaman is like like catching his breath and recovering from being shot with the arrow and hold person like it felt like right before that there was something else can i roll insight to try to figure out what that is? Sure. I'll give you an insight check. This can choose as a 10. No, afraid not.

But, uh, yeah. You feel like there's something different. That's on me, and I'm not gonna threaten your life over it. Oh, thank you. You're welcome. And that'll do it for Iva, it sounds like. Hey, Tootie, it's your turn. Just to be a dick, I'm going to cast Hold Person again. I wish you would.

All right, so he needs a wisdom saving throw, right? Yes, dude. Seven! How's that whole moving around thing going for you? He's like, oh, shit! oh shit again yes you got him again all right uh squeeze the shaman squeeze him you guys this is going very well for the castaway cuties you're with the toad holy shit uh will that do it for you tootie yes all right so these guys uh they're getting a little freaked out they're starting to notice a lot of blood in the water that they're all getting hit

um but they do think that their only real game here is to attack so this guy is gonna rush iva it's gonna be a This guy is going to rush Iva. It's going to be a... Party, party, party weekend? 19 hit on Iva. I mean, obviously. A party, a party, party weekend. So, okay. He does six points of piercing damage with his spear

and then goes to bite you as he kind of like sticks you and pulls you towards his maw full of crooked teeth. Oh, gosh. A fish hit you. Imagine that. Can I use uncanny dodge as my reaction? Yeah, remind us how uncanny dodge works. When an attacker that you can see hits you with an attack,

you can use your reaction to have the attack's damage against you. Absolutely. Take three points of damage. He makes a second attack that only is a 10 to bite. Yeah, that's a no. All right. That's a no on that fish. Another one of these guys is going to make a run for Nathan.

Sees a Witch Bolt connection there. He's going to try to do something about it. Nathan, that's going to be a close one. He tries to jab you with his spear. Going to be a 13 to hit. Oh, that totally hits. Yeah, Squ rabbit wizard. So he

is going to do five points of damage. Danny, why? God damn it. Every time. And now he'll try to bring you into his chompers. It's gonna be a 14 to hit. Every time. And now he'll try to bring you into his chompers. It's going to be a 14 hit. Hits.

Oh, boy. So there's six points of piercing damage. Danny. Danny. Danny. Oh, God. Danny Danny Danny Oh god Can I actually hear him? Yeah

Alright well I'm going to go to him when it's my turn And this guy is going to stab at Burke and Burke how's that going to go? Well I'll tell you I'm going to miss because my AC is bigger than this and then I'm going to not make it so that's what I'm going to go? Well, I'll tell you. I'm going to miss because my AC is bigger than this, and then I'm going to not make it.

So that's what I'm going to say to myself as Burke has an attack rolled against him. And that'll bring us to Burke, who's going to try to chop the guy who attacked him. Burke misses the first time, and he botches the second time. Oh, dear. Whoopsie doodle. Glad he started this. It's time to see how Burke does on the botchy test. 100.

Everybody watch my camera. A dern dern dern dern dern dern dern dern dern dern dern. What does that say? Oh shit. 95. 99. I can't drive. That is a 90 and a 9 What does that say? Oh, shit. 95. 99? I can't drive! That is a 90 and a 9 on the old 100-sided dice.

Shit. Well. I've been waiting so long. I'm going to need the app for this damage. It is. Why can't we? I'm going to get the old dice app so I can roll a bunch of dice at once. Roll the old Barbara Felden.

All right. So he unfortunately pulls his axe back and he plants a foot on one of the dead bodies and slips. And as his axe is back, he falls backwards onto his axe, and it lands right in a seal between his leather chest plate and his shoulder pauldrons. He is going to take... Shoulder pabbits. You clumsy, clumsy Berk.

Remember when Chris Martin killed himself falling on his homemade Wolverine claws you just you just hear a really wet you hear like a wet like like and he just lays there like and twitching and he just popped a water balloon in the water I didn't have those. You did. I reused them. It was his secret and his shame. Jelf, you're up. I'm going to...

There's a guy right in front of you biting and stabbing Nathan. Yeah. How far away is he? I'm going to shoot him. Five feet. He's only five feet away. Okay.

Well, then I can hit him with a short sword. With a 19... Give it to him. That'll be a hit. 23. Yeah, it's a hit. Roll your damage, please. I like the short sword. I don't use the short sword.

The short sword is... That's why! 1d6 plus 4. So, 6 points. Nice. Okay. Do I get two attacks with the sword? Because I'm an archer, or no? Well, that's a good question. Hang on, let me check.

I think you get two attack actions, but I'm going to be 100% sure. Fifth level. I accidentally exited out of your character sheet real quick. It happens. It happens. It's okay. Mavis says hi, everyone. Hi, Mavis.

Hey, Mavis. Mavis, you do get two attacks. Roll a second attack, Blaine. Roll a second attack. 14. attacks we roll a second attack plane roll a second attack uh 14 that is a miss unfortunately no so he still stands fucker uh up next we've got the shaman who's gonna try to break out of person. Good girl. Eleven. Ha ha. Because I pointed at him. You got this guy on lock, Tootie.

You're definitely, Iva is noticing you're stopping something from happening. Just not quite sure what. Danny, you are finally up and the haunting cries of Nathan Whiskers reverberate in your eardrums yeah that's quite a distance but I'll get over to him

as quick as I can can I let's see yeah you are 30 feet away. You can manage it. Okay, cool. It looked further than that. Just barely. It looks kind of like it because there's all that water. Alright, cool. I'll run to...

Is he down yet? He's not down hit points or he's not out yet. He's just being attacked. Who else is that next to them who's the green silhouette oh let's jump okay cool why does it look like one of those kids silhouettes you make because everybody selected a profile image for their character on dnd beyond except for blaine who has the default elf silhouette that looks like an elf silhouette from Great Skull.

I'm a mysterious elf. He's got the Twitter egg. I'm going to come up behind this, what's his fucking stabby stab. Yep, roll to attack. And oh, he is now flanked. So you get advantage. Nice. Cool.

Take course down in a horrible way. Seven plus six is 15. No, that's a miss. But you have advantage, right? Oh, that's advantage. That was just one. Yeah, yeah. Second one's much better.

15 plus six that's it all your damage alright cool 5 plus 3 alright he's in rough shape but he's still standing unfortunately fish

um you gonna give him two unarmed strikes and spend a key point to save your precious rabbit friend yeah now did we start fresh at this battle uh did we i think you got a long rest right before you yeah we did yeah yes okay cool okay so you should have three or four more key points at least all right right. Okay, cool. I've only spent one so far, right? You've only squeezed out one so far, Brian. I swear expel's the right word.

I don't know. Why don't you crank out another key point? Okay. At any rate. So I spend a key, and I do... Oh, is it advantage to the unarmed strike? Yes, sir. Oh, wow. Okay, so the first one...

Yeah. Expel that key point. Is a four plus a six, so no. With your fist. Yeah, that's a miss. But I have advantage, so I go again. Fuck him up. And that one's 11 plus a six. That is. With your fist. Yeah, that's a miss. I have advantage, so I go again. And that one's eleven plus a six. That is a hit. Is that a hit?

Nice. Okay, cool. Alright. Six on unarmed also? Plus six, yeah. I don't know. No, I mean, what do I roll on an unarmed? Unarmed strike for Danny Yen is one D6 plus three.

Yeah. OK, cool. Nice six on that one. How would you like to see this fish fella die? Oh, I'm right. Remember, he's he's like stabbing and biting Nathan while you kill him with your fist. So expelling a key point. Oh, I know.

I punch my fist through his mouth and then I start to operate his as he dies, I start to operate his mouth and I go, he is no longer a problem, Nathan. Danny!

Dinner and a show! And then I drop his lifeless corpse. Well, there we are. What is your order again? Wipe his head guts on my arm. Shadow. Way of the Shadow, I believe. The order of John Carpenter.

Yeah. I remember studying at that seminary. Just a lord. Guess who's up? None other than Nathan Whiskers. Oh. First of all, of course, I'll go, Demi, you saved me again.

Of course, my friend. And then I bow. I bow back lower with a musketeer hat that came out of nowhere with a huge plume. All right. I will hop up here. I guess I still have that witch bolt on the guy, so I'll just keep it up.

Is that a concentration spell? It's strange. Let's check. I don't think it is. Right, it's related to your wand, so maybe not. I'd like to know. A beam of,

it is concentration, yes. So can you do for me a retroactive concentration save to see if when you got bitten stabbed constitution save so the first one is 16 that's a save great that's for the stabby can you give me a bitey yes uh seven unfortunately uh the the time when you get bitten, you lose concentration on the Witch Bolt. All right. Then I will...

Fast forward back to the present. It would have done some damage, though. Then I will, in this moment... Oh, yeah. He got him twice with the Witch Bolt, but it's got an ongoing connection that broke when he lost his concentration when he was attacked. I will cast Chill Touch now against the guy. And so a ghostly

skeletal rabbit's paw sort of materializes and swipes at the shaman. I don't think that's going to be great. I get a 13 to hit. Awe of your of your ancestors it's adorable though uh 13 is exactly what you needed for the sham oh great oh does 2d8 so he's lower ac than that

someone say 2d five then six eleven it does 11 points of damage. Oh, he's looking rough. And I will call that out to everyone. We've got him on the ropes. All right. Up next, we've got Iva. Okay. Well, I guess I'm just going to swing at this guy who just bit me.

Sounds great. Okay. Why not? Yeah, I think so. It's how my parents met. What is the princess doing doing all of this? Oh, cowering. What a shithead.

What is happening to my Nathan? Oh, boy. That is a 20 to hit. Oh, that's a hit. All right. Um, six points of damage. How would you like to see this fish man die? Ooh.

Oh, um, I love a good old fashioned Chris Tillman. Ooh. For a fatality. Sorry. Um, as I As I, as I like drive the sword up through his body parallel, like with his fish spine,

I just like turn to everyone and I'm like, anyone for kebabs? And then I just like throw his body off of my sword and he just like sails off into the water.

Nice best friend. I wasn't actually going to eat him. But. Incredible. Right, but you've deboned him in case anyone does. Yes, he's ready. And as you kill him, all of a sudden,

it's in the way that you use it, comes up and we're all like, yeah. She rocks. All right. Oh, can I use my bonus action eye for detail this time to drill down on that question that lingering question about the guy uh i will offer another insight check okay rather than a perception because you you can kind of tell like it's still not the guy is can't cast he keeps getting slammed with all these spell like the shaman's getting destroyed and he was

only casting for the first round and it's been a while so well i will say i for detail includes it can be either perception or it can be investigation to uncover or decipher clues so if you want me to do that it's part of the thing yeah let's make it an investigation check sure sure sure um that's a 10 but i'm gonna use a lucky point and try it again lucky lucky lucky that is a natural 20 plus six oh shit you think their deductive reasoning that you saw some magic aura kind of glow on the top of his staff when he was casting and you thought perhaps as if he was summoning something a large ring of water kind of bubble while he was casting his spell though the ring of water was behind him. But when he got hit or when he got hit with that whole person by Tootie, his mind seized up and everything went away.

And the way it was, the way it was bubbling, it's like something was being summoned from like another plane that is no longer being summoned. And the connection was broken rather than something beneath the surface that's still there. Got it. Okay. Okay.

I will give you all that with a 20 fucking six. Water elementals. It's a lot. Was it a lot to sit through though? No, no. I meant I was appreciative. I know I'm trying to,

I'm trying to, I love you, Dan. Remember that. I love you Dan remember that please remind yourself I just saw an opening for comedy I saw an opening for comedy I'm fine

I'm fine yeah so lovely anything else you want to do Iva I think nothing else I can do but you know enjoy the view Lovely. Anything else you want to do, Iva? I think nothing else I can do. But, you know, enjoy the view.

Throw it back on over to Tootie. Yeah. This guy, he's, um, the shaman is still being, like, paralyzed, and he looks like he's on his last legs.

He's been hit with chill touch. Um, he's been hit with an arrow. Like he's taken a lot of damage. All right. There's one, one fish man left with, with a spear.

Uh, he's, he's like going like this Over Burke With his spear Burke is on his back floating in the water He's gonna die right Burke Burke is It doesn't look good But you're mid battle

I accidentally rolled some dice um that's fun to make a noise i'm gonna cast command on him i'm the shaman okay and tell him to uh surrender okay so let's see i think

that'll break hold person right because that's a i believe so hold person, right? I believe so. Hold person's a concentration spell, and so command by casting you are no longer... So he's going to roll... Another wisdom? It is... Yes, same. Okay.

Oh, rolled a five. So he surrenders. He does not give himself away. He comes out of the whole person and then just puts his hands up. After you do that,

the gill person, the Galaxian above Burke brings his spear down on Burke and he gets advantage because Burke is prone on his back. With that advantage, it's going to be a 24 to hit oh dear oh it was that a hit Dan yes I mean yeah he just he just like right in Burke's neck

just gets a spear in there and just kind of wriggles it around and then just like starts like gnashing his teeth into his throat. Uh, yeah. I mean, Burke is just like utterly annihilated. You just see like just viscera splash everywhere. The fish guy kind of looks around at what's going on. Uh,

and he runs to the water. And dives in and just goes. Do I get a, can I get a shot of opportunity on him? Um, no, you get a shot of opportunity when he's within five feet of you and breaks off. What if he doesn't have feet? He has fins. Correct. But he was also 15, 20 feet away from you.

So, um, but I will say like, 20 feet away from you. Nautical feet. But I will say, you've all got a vague idea of about where he splooshed in the water. So if it's your turn, I will go down the list and time will pass as we go down the list. Up next, we've got Jelf. So Jelf, just as you inquired, you do see, he goes, and you get the gist of the direction he was going.

I can do a long strider up to the edge of the water as fast as I can and I'm going to shoot into where I think he's going to be. A long strider gives you an additional 10 feet. So Jelf can already move 35

feet at a time. This means you can move 45 feet. So if we are using the ruler, I'm going to show you on the map there. You can go this far. See the pink arrow? Yeah. So you can go about that far. All right. Well, this is the guy right here that I'm looking at, right?

Yeah. Well, one thing I need to do is put him on the uh the hidden layer because after he jumped in he kind of he's not deleted i know it may have looked like i deleted his token but what i did was i hid his token and now on the honor system i am moving him underwater for an additional uh amount of space so you can put your token where you want to put it and then do a perception check to see if you can spot him i'm gonna be right there where i've got this guy great do a perception check uh no what was it a one oh yeah man too much ripple effect on the water you're just like like with your bow and What was it? A one. Oh. Yeah, man.

Too much ripple effect on the water. You're just like with your bow and arrow just pointing back and forth, looking back and forth. I'm going to roll to put on my cool David Caruso shades. One. Oh, boy. Watch my shades. Poked an eye out. Now it is the shaman's

turn and I think with command he's he's fucked because I think he has to not just put his hands up he has to truly surrender so take away his staff

well I'm gonna go down the turn order just to see if there's anything you guys are going to do about this fleeing guy first. Because narratively, that's a bit of a thread. Danny, is there anything you want to do? Say what? Try to catch the guy running away?

Yeah, how far away is he? Well, if you look at the map, he's about somewhere near Jelf. Oh, it's that guy up there. He's in the water. Somewhere, he's over 25 feet away. But if you want to go 25, 30, Danny's running speed is 40. So you can go 40 feet up into the, or 30, because it's more difficult terrain.

You can go 30 feet into the water total from where you are. Yeah. Is he this guy here? Is he this guy on the left over here? He's under the water so we can't see him. Oh, he's under. I'm going to ping the map where he went in. Okay.

You've unfortunately got to sort of do a perception check. Sarah is drawing on the map doing all sorts of silly shit Trying to just see how far I didn't know what to push Can you erase that? We'll worry about it later

I think we're almost done with this battle map Danny, why don't you run up and do a perception check because that's what I think you wanted to do before Around here? Yeah Roll a perception check because that's what i think you wanted to do before around here yeah okay roll perception check for me boss uh nine plus uh what is my perception great question i'm gonna look it up. It's just the three. Yeah, okay.

So 12. Yeah, you also, you're kind of standing there. You can't spot him. Nathan, anything you want to try? Yes, actually. I will once again summon my ghostly rabbit's paw. I'm going to cast chill touch. It has 120 foot range.

And I do not need to see the thing. I create a ghostly skeletal hand in the space of a creature within range. There's nothing about me seeing it. So I will do that. And so for chill touch, it's an attack roll for me.

20. Not natural, but a 20 to hit. To hit. To hit. All right. And it's 2d8. Oh, so that's a one and a six. So a total of seven points of damage against our fishy friend.

How would you like to see this fish die? I think what would happen is I'd cast this spell and I would know there was an impact and there's a moment of like, huh, huh? And then all of a sudden the surface of the water breaks with like just the face of the thing rising up for a second and kind of like doing that sad fish gasp. And then it goes back under the water. Like in the Faith No More video, just the fish just kind of gasping. Sam.

And then, you know, the piano plays. the Faith No More video, just the fish just kind of gasping. Sam. Oh. And then, you know, the piano plays. Yeah. Great. So you've got this shaman, hands up. And everything is quiet. Burke. Burke is to the hammer.

Burke is absolutely out of commission. Does anyone have a potion yeah can we help him i'll go give him some curing uh he he's he's perma dead perma is he yeah did you guys hear the part where he was already dead basically and then the fish destroyed his body? He was incapacitated, about to do death-saving throws. Failed a couple and then got just mauled. Yeah. Stabbed in the throat with a spear. But he's okay, right?

There was a point in the combat where you guys had to kind of choose where you're going to do something about the fleeing guy, do something about the shaman, or something about the shaman or do something. Yeah. All right, Burke. Burke lost, but you do have this shaman hands up. And how long is this last?

Command? It lasts. Till our next episode of Nerd Poker. Yeah, almost. I think it just does its thing and that's it. Yeah, I mean, so he surrenders, but then you just see like

one round. Yeah, yeah. You guys all walk up to him. You're telling him stuff like... Should we tie him up? Yeah, I will relieve him of his staff. Okay. Yeah, I mean, tie him up.

Princess says, What do you think we should do? Should we make him cast the spell to change me? She's been avoiding the water, by the way. So she's like way up in the water. She knows if she touches the water, she'll turn into a Galaxian and repulse Nathan. So she's being very bashful.

Weird. No, we're going to need her to turn into a Galaxian so she can take us to the hammer. We need that hammer. Oh, you need me to turn into one? Well, we're going to have this conversation, so get ready. All right.

Well, I suppose we're going to have to have a conversation on the next Nerd Poker. Hey, Sam, what do you think happened this episode? All right. As we excrete the discharge of this episode, let me recap. We're still in battle. Danny turned somebody's head so they couldn't breathe anymore, and then Sarah threatened Dan, but in a fun way. Nathan is hurt, and then Danny muppeted in a fun way Nathan is hurt and then Danny

muppeted somebody's skull to show his friendship Burke is hurt and Nathan got his revenge and tore up some fish faces Huzzah Might be doing stand up in person outside someplace maybe also gonna be

doing it on Twitch Fridays check me out twitch.tv slash tell for dan brian uh i've uh got some dates coming up san diego at the end of this month uh same weekend as dan um may 28th or whatever there uh but you can go to BrianPoussaint.com for my tour dates. And then I've got Cobbs coming up next month in San Francisco. And every Tuesday, Grandpa's Metal Stash on Gimme Metal. We're already at episode 47, like I've done. I can't even believe it. It's crazy.

And I've played 47 times two hours of metal so much metal uh that's it for me blaine oh uh uh stacy keach and i are doing the 30 something table read it's called 60 something and it's He's friends with Timothy Busfield and it's a whole thing. But he's doing stand-up and I'm doing punch-up for his monologue. And then I think that's pretty much it.

I think he goes to Mexico City for a wisdom tooth thing. Cool. Thanks, everybody. Thanks for listening to another episode of nerd poker you can follow us at patreon.com slash nerd poker and you get bonus episodes from there and you can also uh send us anything at p.o box one six zero six nine encino california nine one four one six thanks for listening 916-069-NCINO-CALIFORNIA-91416. Thanks for listening.