Nerd Poker - S4E42 Underwater Anvil

Episode Date: June 29, 2021

Your darling Castaway Cuties have gotten themselves into quite a sticky wicket, dragging a 250 pound hammer across an evil castle at the bottom of an ocean-sized lake. So hey, why not start exploring some completely unknown areas and hope they don't get trapped? Seems safe!

Hey everybody, I'm Brian Poussin, Comedian, writer, actor, nerd. I've been playing D&D with my friends for a long time. I decided to do a new podcast where we play Dungeons & Dragons in my very own dining room. With my wife, kid, and my noisy dogs. So meet my friends... Sarah Kev Dan

Lee Chris Now it's time for another episode of Brian Possehn's Nerd Poker. Season 4. Hey, everybody. Hey, everybody. I can go higher. Hey, everybody.

Hey, everybody. Hold on. Hey, everybody. It's Brian Posehn And you're listening to Brian Posehn's Nerd Poker It's episode 42 It's gonna be a fun one

I can feel it in my funny bone Uh My friends are here Look at them They're glorious There's Chris Hey Brian Hey how are you

I'm good Uh there's chris hey brian hey how are you i'm good uh there's sarah that's me yep uh we've got jelf the elf oh hi brian i mean blaine hello blaine and dan died two minutes ago but uh we're to reanimate his corpse. There we go. Oh, God. I just took a little nap here. Dan tell for everybody. And Ken Tootie. Hi. I thought it was Gonzo's nerd poker for a minute when it started.

Oh, my voice? Yeah. I have some Muppet-like qualities to my voice. You do, actually. I can channel some Frank Oz when I want to, for sure. I can totally hear it. Let's see. That's it, right?

We don't have a guest. What about our engineer? Oh, that's right. Sam. Hello, sweet children. I don't know if you can tell, I ate a burrito and got high in the break. Was it a marijuana Burrito? Yeah it's so full of weed

I definitely could tell you ate a burrito Where's the Burrito Yeah Yeah Nice job, Ramen. Dog's a pro. All right.

Yep. We did it. Thinking. Thinking. We did it. Let's nerdly pokerize. It's time to think. No glitches, too.

I just got you like that. Like, talk about a pristine intro. Woo. Ha. That's a sharp one tonight. What could go wrong now? I want to thank Patreon supporters, especially those who are on the

Hayboss and Stargoyle tier. Thanks for chipping in a little bit extra. We want to thank you by shouting you out. Thank you, Wild Garlic. Thank you, Wild Garlic. Thank you, Wild Garlic. Thank you, Napoleon's festering piles. Oh, no. Oh, Thank you. Thank you. Napoleon and Napoleon. Napoleon's festering piles. Oh,

thank you. What have you done to us with your username? Thank you. Ian Buckley. Thank you. There's a theme to this one. Thank you. Rhino Flavin of Hemoglaven.

Thanks. Nice. Thanks. Robert Jenkins. Thank you. Thanks. Thanks. Thanks, Robert Jenkins. Thank you. Thanks, Robert. Thanks, The Other Gus. Thanks, MC Yeah. Thanks, MC

Hoo-ha. Thank you. Thanks, Dorian Ericos. Thank you. Thanks, Just Some Anonymous Martin. Thanks, Michael McAvoy. Thanks, Paleo Dan. Thanks, Andrew Gerald. Thanks. Thanks. Michael McAvoy. Thanks. Paleo Dan. Thanks. Andrew Gerald.

Thanks. James DTJ, which of course stands for downstairs tart jamboree. Thank you. Grima's ovarian fortitude. That's that's strike me a little strange. No. Well, I just feel like people say that it's like instead of balls, people say, you know, like someone's got. It's a new thing.

Very important. I like it. Now that I understand it, I like it. Thank you, Pam, at peace. Thank you, Pam. Thank you, Trojan Ascension. Thank you. Thanks, Consensual Cannibalism.

Thank you, Ehan. Eat my foot. The Vanilla Gorilla. Thank you. Thanks, oh my god. Here we go. Thanks, Skin Guy. Parenthetical, it's okay, I'm a dermatologist. Oh, cool.

Totally solved. I was worried at the beginning of that, but then it got fine. It's okay. I'm a dermatologist. Oh, cool. Totally solved. But then it got fine. Thank you, Grotch Sabat. Thanks. Thank you, Dr. Woosh. Thanks, Stabby McNeedles. Oh, dear. And finally, thank you, Twi'lek

Twizzledick III. Those last four all sounded like George Lucas characters. At least one of them yes Hey Brian Brian do you got any commercials for us today Yeah sure here you go Brought to you By uh

Dr. Strange Uh Usual suspects around the room What did I say about improv. Uh, television. Uh. Terrifying. Guitar repair.

Oh. Dr. Strange television guitar repair. If you have a television guitar, I'm the Dr. Strange to fix it. Go fuck yourself. Hey, my four. Hey, Blaine, who is that yelling session brought to us by? I can't beat that, Dan. Oh, that was the topper.

That was. Ryan, you just talked yourself into a new job. Now your responsibility is every episode. There's so many things in this room. But they're all going gonna start with like marvel characters because i've got all these figures right in front of me yeah do commercials for them people love to buy marvel

oh wow the sunset in the window is really weird so now i can do this with my face oh uh but guess what else is coming up besides the inevitable hush of night what happened last time on NerdPoker? The castaway cuties are deep beneath this.

Jesus Christ. Let's start this over. Those voice acting classes really didn't pay off. I'm drinking tea, though. That helps with this voice thing I'm doing. Anyway. I can tea, though. That helps with this voice thing I'm doing.

Anyway, the castaway cuties are deep beneath the surface of Megalake Pangodon. They are attempting to save, rescue, own, wield. Who knows what the fuck the plan is. But they're trying to get the Hammer of Bahamut, which is seated in a small room in the Temple of Dagon in the Galaxian Underwater Castle. They managed to get it. But now, how the fuck do they get it above the surface of a

megalake? You guys just snuck into the room that this little, uh, 250 pound hammer was stored in. and you can't touch it. You need to lift it by the stone arm of the dwarf statue that it was holding. That was holding the hammer. And,

you're now outside the temple and this little pocket, you see some more castle walls, but the ground, instead of being a cobblestone or anything, it's covered in sand and there's like another pool of water this seems like a very old temple um and yeah you know around the corner you see some more passages and uh that's about it for now nathan unfortunately is in a smaller pocket of air just outside another corner of the

temple. Uh, the rest of you are separated from him and at some point perhaps reunited. What would you like to do? Oh, by the way, Nathan is not entirely alone. He is with princess Caspia,

the fish princess who wants to be a bunny. Dungeons and dragons folks. I will send iva a message did you say you're sort of at like a little bit of a watery beach did i isn't is that where you guys are yeah sorry i was just looking at something else yeah this is i i lost I lost the thread. Sorry. Somebody else needs to answer. I will say that to Princess Cosby and be like, could they just swim out and we swim out and just sort of like meet in the parking lot? Like, could we just sort of meet outside?

Is that possible? Well, I will go ahead and do a little inventory with all of you. How did you get beneath the waves? Did you get water breathing cast on you? Do you all independently have the ability to do that again on the way up? It's 24 hours, right? Yep.

Okay. No one's limited by a shorter time span? I thought that was what we did. He did us all or no? He could cast it on up to 10 people for 24 hours. Great. Okay. So you're set.

Let's get breathing that water! Oh boy! So I asked that of Princess Caspia. Would that work? Could they swim out their beach and we swim out our little beach here and meet in the Mega Lake

outside? Well, of course, Nathan. There are guards to worry about. I think we avoided them on the way in. Is it not the same leaving? It is the same. We'll still have to be quite sneaky swimming to the surface to avoid the patrols is all.

Absolutely. Yes, of course. Isn't she also going to change if she touches the lake? She already did. That's why she's got a cloak kind of draped over her face because she's shy about letting Nathan in particular, but all of you see her as a hideous fish person

because she wants to be something more. She has one direction saying to her, you don't know you're beautiful. As a reminder, listeners, she was in the form of an octopus not but a few episodes ago. An octopus? Because she was in prison somewhere, changed into one. She got herself into a bit of a pickle.

And it's honestly very unusual and funny and by chance to me that you found her. Because she was sort of a hidden NPC. She's a huge part of the plot now, and that amuses me greatly. Yeah, you think, you know, Princess Caspia tells you you can

theoretically do that uh she also says so we've done it they found another exit shall we go i think so i think we have to meet up and still be it sounds like it's very difficult to move is it possible for you and i to swim to their beach well I don't know where they are exactly. Whether in a beach directly opposite where we are, on the other side of this. You've, you're from here, right? Have you ever been to this place? A beach?

But like, near, oh, on the other side, oh, that sandy area. Yeah, like, see, like, where we are standing next to what I think they are standing next to what i think i yes i've never explored that particular area very much to at least not to the point of finding another exit i know there is a pocket of water that goes through an old underwater tunnel but i don't know where it goes oh so it's not just the matter of this other side of this building. That's what I'm trying to figure out.

On the other side of this building, I know there is deep water with some kind of underwater tunnel, but I don't know where it goes. No one really talks to me about where that tunnel goes. Interesting. So I'll tell that to Iva. Apparently you're at the beginning of some sort of mysterious tunnel.

Also, the beach does go all the way around the temple. They could theoretically try to sneak around the temple back here. Yeah, I think that's what we should do. I'm looking at it now. I think that's what we should do because that's where we came in. Yeah. Yes, there's just a little bit of a bugaboo, Nathan.

A little bit of a bugbear in the boot. You know what I'm saying? Nathan. A little bit of a bugbear in the boot, you know what I'm saying? That must be a Galaxian turn of phrase. Tell me.

They will have more than just a couple of gods. There's a few inhabitants of the outer temple that live in this area. Can we meet at the space where she broke the broke in you know loosened the wall you're you're all recalling what this part of the castle looked like while you were swimming towards it and you can't quite place where this tunnel goes if you look at the map to the east of it you see a little more

and just by some light sneaking you can tell there is a little more to it than just like well on the map i see i see a little broken in area where this guard is at the top um could they go invisible and then just sneak along the top and then come pop out there onto this beach without going all the way across the room they would just hug the top wall basically they could try nathan do you see what I'm talking about? I do. We could try that. All right. So you all kind of walk up to the hole. The hole is rather large.

You do think you'd be able to fit through it, but you're going to have to move some rocks out of the way. No, no, no. They're coming to us. Nathan and the princess are coming to you through that hole yeah maybe i'm not maybe yeah no i'm different i know i think we're looking at the same thing i just didn't know i got a little turned around um but just to be clear like i just want to tell you all but especially those of you who are not nathan and the princess you can tell like the the kneeling royalty figure is like almost facing directly the hole right so that's why i'm saying we're not going to go if they turn invisible i'm

going to ping the hole if they oh that's not gross um but if they go up along this wall to where i'm pinging and they come through here and meet us on the beach if they're invisible then hopefully that should just be fine yeah they're just going to be sneaking past a malevolent creature that is facing their exact direction if not focusing on what's this but they're invisible what about this door down on the bottom that nobody's gone there's a lot of visibility doesn't cover there is uh yeah there is uh what do you say door on the bottom what do you mean like just south of the demon the lower left corner this yeah i don't know why i can't ping for some reason you guys have no idea what that is right we're just completely so far from us though we're just trying to meet up with each other right so we can get out yeah yeah

because they can just go back the way they came. There's also this... It looks like there's a path starting up here out of the water. Yeah, I mean, I think... They can go back the way they came with no problem. It's just that we can't get to them. So if we all want to meet up again,

they have to either come to us or we have to go to them. We have to meet somewhere. So I just thought this seems like the only way that they could get to us. It's a risk. Otherwise, I think we're just splitting the party for now. If they don't want to do it. Princess Caspia is game. Give it a try. Can we take this guy out that's in the middle of the dome area?

I mean, he's a god, so I feel like the guy above him, no, he's just a guard. But yeah, I feel like if they can sneak past, that's what we want, right? Maybe we would then have to take him out if it comes to that, but this is really up to Nathan. Yeah, I think I don't know

if this one is better than the door you guys went through, but I'll go through whichever one. The door we went through has like three guys between it and you. All right. Then we'll try the one up to the north. Am I wrong? Because this is the one that we came through, and you'd have to go through this guy and this guy.

I think we don't go back and activate anyone that we didn't already activate. All right. I will cast invisibility on myself and Princess Caspia. All right. And we will try and sneak up to the, I guess that would be sort of the altar, right? Mm-hmm. All right. I'm going to have you roll a stealth check.

Stealth. Seven. What's your bonus? Two. Okay. I already included it. Will you also roll for princess cospia she has a plus two to stealth she got a 14 you just make it to that corner where there's a gap of water you have to go through in the northwest corner before you can

get to the altar area and uh you get like halfway through and um you just make a loud slushing noise so like here uh a little bit a little bit more northeast like one of these yeah one of those yeah okay um and it like you hear it like not echo but like reverberate through the big room that was pretty quiet a moment ago um the kneeling figure doesn't move but you can see over your shoulder a guard kind of like approaching and like looking around he goes under the water for a second and looks around beneath the surface of the water cool what do you do keep going get out of the water and get up on this whatever it is arch stage okay one second uh he makes it all the way over to the corner pretty quickly.

He gives it a swim. Will you roll another stealth check for both of you, please? One each. Okay, so Princess Caspia gets a 20. I get a 15. All right. You make it across, but as you're sneaking across, you hear the guard look over his shoulder and you

know go and uh the figure hunched over the altar like turns his head and starts motioning his hands and you see these long pink scaled tendrils extend themselves from the demon creature demon creature doesn't really move but the tendrils reach themselves from the demon creature. Demon creature doesn't really move, but the tendrils reach towards the creature on the altar and begin to rake, uh, the, the tips of them across the, the back of this Galaxian.

And you just see these giant pink spines begin to extend from his, uh, his back and you make it to the hole. That's horrific. Jesus. I assume you go through the hole. Yeah. You get to the rest of the cuties and report to them what

Hi! You guys, there's a pink spine. It's awful in there. Let's get the hell away from it. Get out of here. Yeah. We book it. Let's get out of here. Yeah. We book it. Let's get out of here. You go to the corner,

and I'm going to have you all roll a perception check, please. All right. Perception. 13 plus 6, 19. Oh, natural 20 plus 2. Jeez. Killing it. Hot damn.

Summer in the city. If you didn't roll as high as that, I'm happy for you, but it has no in-game consequence. So you are going to go ahead and see a little more of the map if you want to scoot all your guys to the corner, but not around the corner. You may not want to go around the corner just yet after you hear what I have to say.

Uh, there is more beach and, uh, I need another pass to get rid of a little sliver there. You see, you know, there's more to the south kind of towards the front of the temple, you assume. There's also like what looks like a couple of things. You got a really high perception check. So there is a large crab with some junk stuck to its back. That's kind of like waddling back and forth i'm gonna go ahead and show you where that guy is he's a bit south he doesn't seem to see you just yet and so you see him he's like about 30 feet to the south uh and in addition to that down here uh about we'll say like 15 feet southeast you see this weird kind of ripple in the water right up against the temple and you swear

for a moment iva you see this like green thin hand reach up against the side of the temple and just rake its fingers across the temple before sinking back beneath the surface of the pool. I mean, I feel like the good news is we want to get away from the temple anyway, right? So north, like, we would want to be going... Yeah, there's this north pathway. Where does that go? This way, right? Yeah, so you can't quite see what's there from your position without moving forward. How much cover does this protrusion in the water give us? Is that underwater or is it sticking out of the water?

Not much. It's sticking out of the water, but only like a foot and a half. Okay. Well, they're still invisible, right? They are, yeah. Nathan and Caspia? Yeah. So Caspia could...

I think a couple of people are not invisible, yeah. Nathan and Caspia? Yeah. So Caspia could... I think a couple people are not invisible, yeah. Right, but Nathan or Caspia could go see what's over here. Do you want to go for it? Or one, yeah. Sure, I'll go look. All right, Chris, will you roll for both you and Caspia? What am I rolling? Stealth, please.

All right, she gets a five, get a 17 okay you do great unfortunately uh princess cospia who uh you know what she is used to this but yeah i'm not gonna give her advantage um you get across and forgot to bring her token over bringing her next to you yeah i'm not going to give her advantage um you get across and forgot to bring her token over bringing her next to you yeah i mean she just splashes a little bit coming out of the water and uh you notice the crab start very slowly like floating north um i'll show you what is in the corner and it's not great news. It is a dead end. Poop.

So this is just sort of like a little side area. There's, you know, signs that this used to be like a turret or something, but it's eroded. There's not much left. Can we try to break through these walls? To get to like the water outside or whatever?

I would say just, again, passive insight. You think you could, but it would cause quite an explosion. Yeah, a big flood of water. What can they see from there about to down this way? As they cross, they just sort of notice it goes like, it's the tunnel that Princess Cosby was talking about. Okay. There's deep water at the end of this sort of,

it's a dead end walking wise, but the roof kind of like goes down into it. So we should just head, should we just all book it down this tunnel? You have no idea where it goes. You don't even know how long it goes. She can't even guarantee there's a room on the other end of it. Well, what are you going to do?

We can kill a crab. What are our other choices? Green hand sounds no good. Yeah, I feel like we want to get away from the giant god monster in the temple as quickly as possible. So it feels like let's just put distance, right? Great. Alright, you're all trying to escape through the tunnel. Let's everybody roll a stealth check,

please. Alright, then. Please roll for Princess Caspia. It's more fun if a player does it. She got a 13, I got a 10. 23. 20. Shocking. 14 plus 4, 18.

Hey, Brian, what'd you get? 20 also, 14 plus 6. Great. So you guys all get there. Unfortunately, Nathan does kind of make a little splishy splash noise trying to help Princess Cosby across and there's just some stumbling so you're definitely being trailed

by this crab there's no sign of this like green hands thing but you all dip under the water and start swimming right through this tunnel you swim for like a while uh it's getting darker and darker

you're starting to wonder even with dark vision when you're gonna be contending with pitch blackness that you can't even penetrate with dark vision until uh the light starts to come back again you uh are also having a bit of a hard time dragging this 250-pound hammer down the tunnel. So I'm going to need 2D to roll an athletics check. All right. Come on, baby. Is it still shocking people? No one's really tried to touch it, so you'd have to tell me what you've been experimenting with if there's no talk of additional people doing it so i'm not gonna say 12

yeah you know you guys you get pretty far but you have to keep stopping for 2d uh he's having a hard time you keep you keep trying to assist him but this thing is more than any one of you can carry and even with all of you combined like trying to like get under his arms and like tug tug his arms are not even strong enough to really like like be much help and this you guys are literally like cupping your hands under his hands to try to support it isn't it like floating a little bit though in the in the water? Doesn't that take so much of the weight off? No, it's not floating at all.

These two things are much heavier than even normal armor. This is a very heavy thing. There's nothing hollow or flotatious about it. Well, Danny wants to try helping. I mean, you all are. I mean, I'm giving that to you as a given, and he just rolled low enough as athletics check that unfortunately what happens is it takes a lot of time

to scoot him along. And so while in the pitch blackness, you feel a sharp stab in your back, 2D. Ow. One moment, please. Ooh. I don't like the sound of a sharp stab in the back. Maybe you had too much red meat.

There was just an 18 to hit. What's your AC, 2D? It is 16. Ooh, okay. You feel this large, almost axe-like weapon or something go through your armor right between your shoulder plate and your mail, and you take nine points of piercing damage. Ouch.

All of you hear some and smell the iron of blood in the water. Great. Everybody roll for initiative, please.

Hmm. Why is there no map because it is pitch black 13 21 I got a 10 is 10 good no I got a 10 is 10 good no I got 11 okay 7

7 for Nathan 11 for Danny seven for Nathan eleven for Danny sky at a sixteen so uh 2D you said you got 21? yes

alright well that's some good news you're up first what would you like to do? I can't see anything do I have a sense so you're yeah let me let me paint the scene for you a little bit you've been kind of near the bottom of this tunnel chamber beneath the water and uh all of you are completely immersed there's no air pockets right you're counting on this passage ending eventually and um 2d you're uh near the bottom because this thing is basically dragging on the ground most of the time right and it's so heavy when you use both hands to like

grab the arm and lift it like i am doing right now kind of like like a big subway sandwich um you have to walk on the floor of the tunnel while everyone else swims. Okay. And they're trying to help you like lug it. But as you're doing that, all of your focus is forward and you're kind of hunched over a little bit and you can't see anything. Right. But you do feel without being able to see anything, this strike in your back. Nobody is behind you. Right.

being able to see anything this strike in your back nobody is behind you right everyone's in front of you and above you trying to pull up and forward up and forward right back and to the left um what would you like to do uh i'd like to cast command in the direction i was attacked from okay uh let's i love command man's a real weird one because you can be great or terrible if it doesn't work a creature uh within range you give it a one word command and they must succeed a wisdom saving throw or follow it on its next turn. The spell has no effect if the target is undead if it doesn't understand your language

or the command is directly harmful to it. Oh. So if this is not a creature that speaks your language it's not going to go great. Well then never mind that though. Yeah and you know what I'll also throw you you feel like there's a

reasonable chance this is a giant crab yeah it could be a galaxian with a hallbird or something but yeah uh shit how about I will cast

calm emotions okay How about I will cast calm emotions? Okay. I don't think that really is going to change its intent. You attempt to suppress strong emotions in a group of people. Or it can take away its hostility. Oh, you're right. You can make a target indifferent about creatures of your choice. Okay, great, great.

So it has to make a charisma saving throw. Oh, that'd be a three. Oh, good. Okay. Uh, you,

you, you know, sort of cast this spell over your shoulder. Nothing happens. All right. I'm going to keep happens. Alright, I'm gonna keep going. Yeah, you guys next in the turn order would have been

this unseen creature followed by Iva. So all of you are moving forward and it seems like nothing is happening. Iva, what would you like to do after you notice that there's been this event? And I can't see anything?

Like, I can't see where it is? No, I mean, like, you kind of see the outlines of shapes, but this is very dark water. I mean, I guess I'm going to shoot an arrow back into that water. Great. Roll to attack. Okay. Well. Thank you. back into that water. Great, roll to attack. Okay, well. It's a 13, no, sorry, 16 to hit. I'm gonna say this is with disadvantage because it is in the dark

and you're going off of a feeling. Okay, then it's a 16 again. Ooh, that is a hit. Roll your damage. Nine points of damage. Wow, okay. So you filled with the spirit of vengeance for your friend, too, to pull back this arrow.

And yeah, I mean, an arrow in the water, it's tough, but you all you know you don't hear much you just hear this kind of whooshing like suppressed sound and then you all smell ammonia in the water you hit it in it's pee gland

alright about that um Danny anything you'd like to do uh yeah where is he behind you somewhere you don't know where it's very pitch black i just feel like oh can i help uh can i help tootD in some way now that he's yeah why don't you go ahead and do a strength check okay or do you want to try to see if he's okay like heal him no more

like help him haul the thing now that he's damaged oh cool that should be good 15 plus 6 okay so what this does is you all are trying to help, right? You're all kind of like linked arms, and you feel Danny plant a foot on the bottom of this tunnel

and give a good tug and then another tug and a series of tugs, and you all feel like somebody stepped up, probably Danny, to pull this hammer quick, fast away from the drama. You're all out of combat now. And this takes a while, but 2D, you take a level of exhaustion at this point. So please mark that on your character sheet. Because you're both dragging this extremely heavy object that's hard to keep your hands off the bad parts of and you're hurt now

um the light glows more and more and finally you uh see that you can walk up a series of stairs that are in the water you actually see the stairs underwater leading out of it you go up and there is

a castle tower this tower has a door that is uh it's it's got like a bunch of um very old objects barricading it and then it goes there's a spiral spiral staircase going up it's a narrow tower the diameter of the tower is only about 50 feet and the spiral staircase goes up what looks like about 20 stories uh at the top you see there's some sort of distant shape but from this depth it's hard to see what it is But from this depth, it's hard to see what it is. But you all lug this hammer and the stone arm attached to it up.

Well, let's get in the elevator. Exactly. But you do notice there are torches lit on the wall. That's good. That means somebody's home. Are we still submerged? Are we still underwater? No, you've risen above the surface. This is another air pocket thing, yeah.

Okay, so, but this doesn't necessarily mean this is that tower that Jelf spied when he scouted the coast. The tower itself is still under the lake yes so it's an air-breathing tower air inside it there's air inside of the water oh okay and this is the one that we saw like like almost like an escape pipe yeah and and so you you

all start looking around there's there's a lot of plants growing out of the ground here. There's hard soil and soft soil, wet soil. But there's what looks like, you know, the kind of plants you'd see on the edges of the lake. But a lot of them are sheared off at the top as if they've been clipped. You also, you see a lot of smears around the there's there's above the the dirt there's these stone stairs leading up and on the stairs as well as the walls you see black smears uh some some sort of dark brown and red splatters on the wall and um it looks like there's some sort of um chunks or viscera

on the stairs leading up some sort of fight happened here it looks like very very sloppy you don't see any signs of uh weaponry scratching the wall or footprints except for like it looks like maybe animal prints in some of the smudges on the ground there's a big monster that was eating people here and it's about the only way we can go you've kind of got three options the way you came this door that seems to be barricaded from the inside with a lot of old stuff and then the spiral staircase going up this old stuff it looks like there's a an old wooden shelf that's decaying it looks like uh there's some stone masonry from that event that have been kind of like pulled off parts of the stairs and uh piled up there's a chair that looks like

maybe a chair there's like parts of some kind of furniture that have been shattered and just stacked up uh i will say to the princess does any of this seem familiar do you recognize this part of the castle at all no but there's a foul smell here do you smell it do i smell it uh you all it smells bad um it smells kind of like uh the back alley behind a tavern and um rotting rotting food and digested jagermeister but not not like in a familiar like flavor of beer kind of way more just like uh like oh what is there's something uh highly toxic here i feel like we don't want to unbarricade the door we don't well in case whatever did this is behind that door i mean there's also a chance there's just water on the other side of that door

but why is it barricaded that's what i'm wondering right correct I mean, there's also a chance there's just water on the other side of that door. But why is it barricaded? That's what I'm wondering. Right. Correct. So then up? I think up. What do you guys? Did the snares continue upward?

Yes. Go ahead. i mean if this go ahead is this the fastest way up this the step should we can we try to scale up the outside do we want to try to shimmy up a drain pipe or something and get a look or again this is a 50 feet wide there's no real sign of anything but stairs this is like a very plain turret tower going straight up um there's no gutter or whatever you're implying um there's a couple of torches built into the center spiraling walls but um there's no uh there's no other way up except to scale the wall uh which doesn't you don't you don't necessarily as far as i know have a spell that would help you climb, nor is there an easy way to attach something up the wall. Is there any way to look through the barricaded door?

Is there a keyhole or a crack around the edge or anything we can see what's on the other side? Of the doorway? Yeah. Why don't everybody do a little perception check as you gather around the door. All right. On 615. do a little perception check as you gather around the door all right on 6 15 15 10 uh looking what my bonus is it's probably like plus 30 brian it's not uh 21 total oh Oh, excellent. Pretty good. All right. That's less.

All right. Yeah. You all gather around and I, at the floor level around this door, there's like this thick cakey black mud that seems to be seeping in through the doorway and everything is wet. The farther into the rubble you kind of peer through as you push things aside um you find uh seems like small bits of bone amongst the rubble there's also um worse smell the farther and you go you find a little bundle of what looks like moldy burlap that's been tied shut with a little string kind of smashed into the mud as if someone had tried to hide it in the mud or seal something with it.

Hmm. Totem or something. They hide. It's a bundle in burlap of what? Yeah. It's like a, it's like coin purse sized. Um,

but it's really like handmade and sloppily put together. Is there anything magical about it that I could sense? Great question. What is your passive magic sensing ability that you're referencing? You want to just do an Arcana check? Just Arcana. Do an Arcana check then. Natural 20 plus six.

Oh! Yeah, man. There is some weird shit going on with this pouch. Do you think there's something magic in it that's awful? It's awful. Do I think this is... And it's spell related, yes. So is this some kind of trap bait kind of thing?

Not bait, but maybe either a trap or a seal or a curse or something yeah well yes to do instincts of correct it is a horrible bundle why don't we throw it out and make whoever is uh coming to get us think that we're uh out somewhere else if it's like a spider tracer do you know what i mean i'm just i'm worried that it's keeping that door sealed against whatever caused the smearing in the room maybe we should just go upstairs i can always turn around and come back down straw boat you going upstairs i would like to go upstairs all those yeah all those against say nay all right uh you guys start cautiously going up the stairs and unfortunately for you the black smudges and

smears and splatters continue as you go up uh and you go for a while and you start to notice there are like bits of broken bone on the stairs as you go up what looks like a piece of clothing at one point you kind of poke it with a sword and it turns over it's caked with this black film and kind of flops hard over but there's you know no real sign of what it is other than some basic textile made clothing clothing. You keep going up. Any of you want to stop, continue, do anything else before... Can we try to see if there's any sound coming from up above or ahead? Yeah, why don't we get another perception check from everybody?

And I'm going to go ahead and cast Mage Armor on myself. I rolled a whole six. I rolled a natural 20 plus six. Ooh, nice. Great. Well, I bet nobody can beat a 26. Anybody beat a 26? No.

All right. I got 11 total. The old Kapach wins it. You guys are all... Not even... Nine total. The old K'Patch wins it. You guys are all... Not even... Nine total, sorry. You don't hear any noises, Jelf, but you do kind of like prick your elf ears up

and sniff the air, catalog all the adventures you've had. And it reminds you a little bit of some of the... Back in Amina, where you're from, and it reminds you a little bit of some of the, the, uh, back, back in a minute where you're from, some of the, some of the darker beasts deep within the woods kept nests, and you can't help,

but feel like you've stumbled upon the nest of some kind of creature or sentient foul being up ahead, upstairs in this tower, either up above or elsewhere getting uh getting uh getting a stinky bad vibe is it stinkier up here than it was down there same smell hasn't left sometimes you get waves of different things like uh like like almost humanoid familiar smells but then you get hit hard with the smell of toxicity uh you know this very acrid smell sometimes this this uh almost like fertilizer smell sometimes are there windows are there windows in this castle no

it's a top well it's a tower, right? Tower, tower. You're in what seems like a very isolated tower going up. Is there a way to set some sort of toothpicky spear trap or something and lure whatever it is that's going to come down and try to eat us? I mean, I would let you do a survival check, and I'll do all the work for you, but you're going to have to tell me what you want to use to

make the trap if you want me to lower the difficulty check on me. Yeah, I was just trying to figure out if there's any spear type stuff. Perhaps it's a question of us quietly as we... Does it feel more nasty now, Dan? Has the surroundings of this staircase changed where it feel more nasty now, Dan?

Like, has the surroundings of this staircase changed where it feels more like we're getting close to a thing's actual home? Do an insight check, Nathan. For you specifically. Okay. Hey, can I coast off that 26 a little

bit and ask this? No, wait. Let me do Nathan first okay sure sure hold that thought uh yeah I mean it's it feels like it's getting getting like uh different like almost like at the bottom of the stairs things were um more

of a splatter and like bigger wider mess and now you feel like you're starting to just see this like it almost looks like like uh footprints yes going up and and like and like long trails of things being dragged up the stairs so we're going the wrong way yeah a lot of it seems that way it's subjective which way is the wrong way uh what is it you wanted to to, Blaine? Oh, I was going to ask if I felt like whatever was in here built the tower or whatever is in here just lives in the tower. Feels much more likely it's something that lives in the tower and came later.

Yeah. Okay. It feels like we've got a couple of civilizations here and then some, what do you call it, parasitic type beings like the crab. It feels like we've got a couple of civilizations here and then some, uh, some, uh, what do you call it? Parasitic type beings like the crab. Um,

so like you've got, uh, the Galaxians who came in, but some sort of race hundreds and hundreds of years ago built this whole castle before the Galaxians got to it in the last couple of hundred years. And this creature seems to have found a mostly abandoned area to build a nest

so maybe we should head back down the other way and take that weird burlap thing to protect us somehow did you pick that up? no I would not have touched that thing I love how quickly everybody said no.

What do you think? Look past that and go through the door? Okay, so it feels like it's about 20 stories up. It's hard to tell because there's no floors to this thing. You're going up a very long, ominous spiral staircase that goes along the edge. And when you look to your left, there's this wall, this stone wall that's going straight up. And if you look to your right, it's just like all the way down. No railing

or anything. And you are a little more than halfway up. You can also just fight whatever's up here. Why don't I have everyone do one more perception check? All right. Here I go.

17. Okay. We're looking for a 20 or better. Five. Anybody got 20 or better? 13. 18. No, from my vote, 18.

Oh, close. Is he looking for a bonus? No, is that it, Brian? That was including my bonus. Oh, man. Well, you all don't really see or hear

anything, but Danny, you just get this strangest sense that something is going on and we're going to have to find out what on the next episode nerd poker wow you guys lugging a fucking 250 pound hammer underwater up a fucking turret where oh my god this this is some ominous shit

fucking ominous i can't believe you're doing this that's not supposed to be an evil laugh i'm genuinely like what the fuck uh hey sam what do you think happened this episode oh here's what i think happened all right so we're pinging holes uh we're trying to get out of this place with a hammer there's a dead guy kneeling at the altar. That's never great. We escaped some tendrils and passed the crab, but we did get stabbed in the back. Danny stepped up to pull the hammer

through the hole, and we're out of danger and into a stairwell. It smells awful in here, and there's little bits of bones and mud, just like a sizzler. And lastly, we found a haunted purse. I fear it may be one of those raccoon purses Brian speaks about if you listen past the theme music at the end of the episode.

Pompoko everybody. Dan you got anything? Nice job Sam. Dan you got anything you want to plug? Same plugs as last time I'm going to be at Flapper's opening for some people. You should out the flappers calendar if you're in los angeles california how about you brian oh brian piscine.com would be where my tour dates are i've got uh san francisco i've got flappers i've got sacramento coming up i've got Raleigh, North Carolina.

They're good nights out there. That's it. There's more in the fall, but we'll see. We'll see if I keep doing stand-up in the fall. Yeah, I know. Will civilization survive till September? Yeah, and then Grandpa's Metal Stash every Tuesday. Anybody else got something? Will civilization survive till September? Brian. Yeah. And then grandpa's metal stash every Tuesday.

Anybody else got? Yeah. Chris, you got something? No, I was going to say, Brian, if you're going to change careers in the fall, maybe think about like the NFL or something like that. Yeah. I have thought about that. You're a big guy.

I hear the XFL is going to be real big. Oh, yeah. Mostly because they don't believe in the vaccine. All right. FL is going to be real big. Mostly because they don't believe in the vaccine. Alright. Blaine? Oh, I got nothing. Stacy slipped a disc, so he's in surgery for a week. I'm going to

be just catching up on my old general hospitals. That's a long surgery. I'm up to Luke and Laura. No spoilers. But wait, you said Stacy's in surgery for a week that's how bad he's in surgery and he'll be laid up for a week so i'm going over there to drain a bag if you know what i mean oh no i was like he's so tough it takes a week to pierce his skin with their instruments yeah that sounded like a face-off kind of a surgery yeah he's yeah he's

he's fine. He was trying to get something off a bookcase, and man, they heard it down the block. Oh, my gosh. Oh, no. Well, thanks for listening. I love the ones that just beat around. Yeah, that one, like, I contributed.

Thanks for listening to another episode of Nerd Poker. You can follow us at patreon.com slash nerdpoker, and you get bonus episodes from there. And you can also send us anything at P.O. Box 16069, Encino, California, 91416. Thanks for listening. The first thing that came up was something very rude. For what?

For Pompoko. What's it say? It says the dub incorrectly refers to the Tanuki as raccoons Tanuki are actually raccoon dogs they're in the Canid branch of mammals and then it says prominent testicles are an integral part of Tanuki folklore and they are shown and referred to throughout the film and also used frequently

in their shape shifting the English dub refers to them as raccoon pouches oh yeah yeah I was gonna tell you there's English job refers to them as raccoon pouches. Oh yeah, yeah. I was going to tell you. There's a bunch of raccoon balls. It's why he got the part. You guys, we have to use all of this on the episode.

It was the way they come for the voice casting, stay for the balls. Raccoon pouches. Okay. I just want to say, 42, let's do it.

My favorite part is the stars of it are Jonathan Taylor Thomas and Clancy Brown. The idea of them playing magical wrecking. What are you doing? We got to get ready for Christmas. It's terrifying. That's a great fancy brown. I seem to remember my wrecking really loving garbage.

Shirley Manson is great. She does it on the regular. Flash Fanda. Yeah.