Nerd Poker - S4E47 Attunement's Lament

Episode Date: August 3, 2021

Now that everyone is above water and deciding what to do about the extra-wrinkly Gillaxian tied up in a hole, it's time to decide how to deal with Toody's extremely heavy, extremely hard to touch hammer. But first, some lamentations from the princess!

Hey everybody, I'm Brian Poussaint. Comedian, writer, actor, nerd. I've been playing D&D with my friends for a long time. I decided to do a new podcast where we play Dungeons & Dragons in my very own dining room. With my wife, kid, and my noisy dogs. So meet my friends... Sarah Kev Dan

Clay Chris Now it's time for another episode of Brian Pussain's Nerd Poker. Season 4. Hey, everybody. I'm Brian Pussain, and you're listening to Brian Pussain's Nerd Poker. It's episode 47. Regular folks are here.

Look at them. There's Chris. Hey, buddy. uh, folks are here. Um, look at them. Uh, there's, uh, Chris. Hey, buddy. Hey, man. I don't know if I'd call us regular folks. That's true. Yeah, you're right. We're, we're, we're way more than regular.

Yeah, we're sub-regular. Dana, Dan's here. Dan. Oh. Hey, buddy. Also known as Dana, which is definitely not my regular name. Yep. Blaine's here.

Blaine. What's up, Blaine? Hi, Brian. It's me, Blaine. Ken is here. Hi, I'm regular. And Sarah. Hello.

Hi. Our buddy Sam is up in the corner. Hello, sweet children. How are you, man? I'm good. How's... Sam in the corner. There he is.

The brahmin. Yep. He's good. What's up? Well, let's... Should we thank some people, Dan? Sure. First, I want to point out that sam has like a weird like juggling collage of like images on his television what's going on it's just the

screensaver thing when you leave it for a minute oh oh noise so you're not some secret uh juggle collager sam no what is all pictures of him working out? I just thought I'd make up another phrase for the listeners. Juggle Collagist. I mean, we all are looking at the pictures now. How do I get the Flying Toaster as a screensaver for my TV? That's the first thing I thought of when you said screensavers. Right?

Yeah, yeah. That and the box that jumps around? All right. I'm going to think thosevers. Right? Yeah. That in the box that jumps around? All right. I'm going to thank those people. Oh, right. Remember the times before the times? Yeah. Oh.

Remember them in the future. Boy. Remember the times before the times we tried to forget about forever? I'd like to thank some Patreon supporters. You know what? You guys are fucking rad. I'm doing it. I am doing it. I'm going to thank Patreon supporters. You know what? You guys are fucking rad. I'm doing it.

I am doing it. I'm going to thank Ryan Williams. I'm going to thank... Ryan Williams, NBC? No, Ryan Williams, you son of a gun. I'm going to sleep now. From NBD. Thank you, Robert White.

Thank you. Thank you, Duke LaRange. Like Duck LaRange. Duke. Yes. Thank you, Manny Boffins. Thank you you Manny Boffins Blaine likes that one

thank you Adam Hicks thanks Brandon Blackburn thank you thank you mustard sandwiches for Jesus sure thank you Nathan Whiskers made me snow blind what does that mean Thank you, Mustard Sandwiches for Jesus. Sure, why not? Thank you, Nathan Whiskers Made Me Snowblind.

What does that mean? That sounds like innuendo. That's a snowball spell he uses all the time. Oh. I'm sure. Thank you. That's a great round out. Thank you, The Dread Admiral Dogther. Oh, dear. Oh. Thank you. thank you the dread admiral dog sir oh dear oh thank you this next person gave themselves two

options for a name so i guess they could get two jokes in i don't know if i like this trend at all this is like cheating get a second patreon account if you're gonna pull these shenanigans but you know what let's let's hear them out thank you scar goes the inevitable or the billy of la mancha i think billy i like the second one but i feel like it's nice he's giving you options actually dan like you didn't have to read the book should i have just picked one oh man i don't know i'm just i'm just i'm just guessing that was your job to pick. I like Choose Your Own Adventure books. I should have taken the opportunity. Thank you, Drath Silverwing.

Thank you, Keith Rasmussen. Thank you, The Great Blumpkin Scandal 69. Thank you. No thank you. Thank you, Reverend Pokey Bunch. Thank you. What? Thank you, Steinmetz Pianos

Parenthetical Requires Attunement. Thank you. Thanks Crafty Nerdy Becky. Thanks Bryce Spider Lisser. Thanks Patrick. Thanks Mothman Shiny Hiney. Thank you. Thanks Bug Nug. Thanks you Sean

No I am not related Nixon. Thank you. Thanks, you, Sean. No, I am not related. Nixon. Thank you. Thanks, Randy Butternubs. Butternubs. Butternubs. Thanks, Fintroll Vandershoot. Thanks, Don't Wanna End Up Like No Pooh Bear.

Oh, that's one of my stand-up jokes. Thank you, Don't Wanna End Up Like No Pooh Bear. Thank you, Steve Visine. Visine? Visine. Visine for eyes us get the shred out it's not spelled like that thank you paul bunion chrysler and buick mega mall the savers are as big as paul thank you zach clerk thank you ben thank you octo princesses

hair brained tentacle hentai thank you yeah i i'm i'm unremembering it right now. Thank you, Defiant Geek. Thank you, Panda BDSM League. Thank you, Wookiee Pornhub in Alderaan Places. That's my favorite Eddie Rabbit song. Thank you, Steven Dyson. Thank you, Ewan. Thank you, Megatron's Merkin.

And finally, thank you, Ewan. Thank you, Megatron's Merkin. And finally, thank you, Doors Unlimited, a season two tribute band at Palladino's. Thank you. Nice. I was wondering what those Patreon

people were brought to us by. Oh, Brian, those Patreon supporters brought to us today by NerdPokerAd. Classic. Towel. Dry off your feet with a towel. Dry off your butt with a towel. Dry off your butt with a towel. Keep baby warm with a towel. Towel.

Put it on the floor. Put it around you. Towel. Dry it off with a towel. Dan? That was beautiful. Thank you, Blaine. Hey, Billy, who were those

ads brought to us by? Those ads were brought to you by products. Do you need products? Spend on them. Products. Back to you, Blaine. Thank you, Billy.

Wait, what? That throw brought to you by rice aroma the downstairs neighbor treat dan oh boy thank you fate for bringing me this kind podcast of a gift oh lordy christ all right well i think it's time to find out what happened last time on Nerd Poker. Oh, God. The Castaway Cuties have finally procured Bahamut's Mega Hammer from Mega Lake Pangadon. They climbed out of the lake after dodging some eels and shit. Now they got to figure out what the fuck to do with this thing.

We now bring you to the cast of Acuity's Already in Progress. So you guys are sort of hanging out. You're just about to release the shaman. Yes? Release the shaman. I think we weren't going to release him. We were tying him up. And you were like...

Near the water. You were like near the water-ish. So it would take like a few hours or something. That was the plan. You were trying to like do the equation. And I'm not going to make you spend two episodes doing it. But to figure out like the longest time it would take him to crawl. Bound to the edge of the lake without drying up and dying.

So you're setting that up and you're heading where? I will say the map of Davenglaven offers many options. So if you like, we can head to roll 20 or you can pull up

a paper or digital copy of Davengla glaven but i will throw 2d uh this 2d um we should talk about what occurs to you as you've been lugging around this 250 pound hammer which is hard to lug huh never mind it's all right i feel like there's a stupid thing yeah i wish i'd heard it because listeners will and later so will i um makes it cool oh oh internet delays you keep me from all all the the bits and junks so i'm pulling up my own map of dave and glaven and you're thinking of a couple places uh that might be good because you can tell from lugging this thing around you want to attune to it but

it's like extra wondrous as a dnd guide might say so it's difficult to attune to you can't just make a couple of arcana rolls how have you been lugging it around i believe we established uh off the air maybe that as you shrunk the hammer uh something happened that you could have done all the way back in the dagon temple which is the the stone hand kind of dropped away from it so how so so i'll let you tell me um did you like pick it up in a bag did you wrap a cape around it and carry it around hobo style did you put the hand back around it as it grew what how are you doing this because you can't you don't feel confident about touching the hammer based off of uh how you guys experimented in touching it back at the temple of

dagon hmm oh yeah because it would turn me to stone yeah well it looked like it turned a guy to stone um when iva tried to use a corpse hand to touch it she felt through the hand this like sharp pain within moments that was cold and dagger like but it wasn't entirely clear if it meant that it was the petrification process or something else. I don't see if I have anything to wrap it in. You can use my cloak. You can just use my cloak. But if the corpse hand was transmitting it,

then the cloak would have too. I guess I thought that we were carrying it by the hand of the guy right right so this is a bit why this is a bit of a dilute retcon we're going back we're going back a couple episodes to when he was still in that tower and the hammer shrunk sort of out of the hand uh i'm asking tootie did you try to get the hand back on there as it regrew or did you have another way of picking it up as you left the tower? I would think I would wrap it in something to carry it. But do you think that would transmit what I feel? I'm offering it as an option because it wouldn't.

No, you can do that. Yeah. Maybe because I used a corpse hand, which was flesh, so it transmitted it. Since the hand turned, I don't want to touch the hand. Okay. But you were using the hand before. Yeah. Okay.

But it fell away when you shrunk it. It fell off and it shrank. So then you were presented with, okay, do I keep doing that or do I do something new? I don't think we need the hand, do we? Nah. We'll wrap it in Nathan's cloak. You left a dwarf stone hand back in the flooded tower

and wrapping it in Nathan's cloak, you've made it all the way to the shore. So yes, you have got the impression you're either going to need some followers of Bahamut to help you get in touch with Bahamut or you're going to need the help of some other god.

Well, I believe that it was intended for a dragonborn, Hammer. Oh? I think that's what you said originally. Perhaps. I don't think I said that, but that is a possibility as far as you know. Can you pull up the map in Roll20 because I'm still seeing the bonus episode map?

Oh, yes, I can. I pulled it up for myself but didn't put the little players flag on it so here you go. Tootie are you not a follower of Bahamut? I am I think we'll need some more to join hands

If I said maybe Dragonborn I apologize it's not that's like that might help. There was that temple we went to. I don't remember where it was, but there was a temple of Bahamut. Yes. So there was sort of a temple of Bahamut. So there was a...

You went and helped them out like it was for paralysis. Uh, paralysis is sort of this good dragon God that kind of follows Bahamut's lead here in Dave and Glavin. Seems like it's also a platinum dragon. You feel like maybe it's part of a, of the chromatic Pantheon. That's like a sub of Bahamut, but they knew of bahamut at the temple that you were at so that's definitely an option there's also a couple other gods uh and you've you've got a sense of maybe if you talk to uh princess cospia or someone else around dave and glaven you

could figure out how to get in contact with those other gods. There's also, you know, a couple of other places you go. You've got your home base you could go back to. You haven't been to your home base since you left it many moons ago back in Blingbottom. You've got some magical artifacts there that you've only begun to poke around. There is also the monk that you left behind uh that monk is back in flazicola his name is hingle mccringleberry and uh he asked danny would he stay and become a member of the filament of dongle and danny said no thanks uh you seem kind of uh not my jam but nice ish and there was like a mayor who they there was like a demon i i feel like i'm feeling like this is when

you're playing a game and you have a bunch of open quests and i'm like ah we gotta close down some of these because stressing too many yeah you can so basically you feel like you could get help in flazicola you could get help in bling bottom or you could just straight up try to seek one of the local gods help doing what attuning to the hammer to the hammer yeah i feel like okay here's my pitch what if we go back to our uh mansion that we, it should be redecorated by now. And we, as our base, we use that to then explore the possibilities with the hammer. There was that, you know, otherworldly.

There are those orbs. There's the orb. In the middle of the room. Yeah. There's like, we got, there's that voice. In the middle of the room. Yeah. There's like, we got, there's that voice that talks to you from the suit of armor. Oh, yes. The murder. Yeah, there's actually not a, there's Balthazar back there and he's a voice, but the suit

of armor doesn't have a voice. The suit of armor is this sort of ominous presence. Who's Balthazar? Nathan tried to talk to the suit of armor and he sort of ominous presence. Who's Balthazar? Nathan tried to talk to the suit of armor and he just got this weird vibe. That's what I meant. Yeah, it was like he was like, no, or whatever. But who's Balthazar?

Remind me. The elderly Oh, yeah, he has a voice, I guess. We freed the fae guy, so and then we used his coin, so we've already done that. And basically, I guess. We freed the fey guy. And then we used his coin. So we've already done that. And basically, I think the end game, if I may, Dan, please,

is, are we, we're supposed to, I know you hate when we say we're supposed to be, but in terms of... I sure do. Okay, then I won't. Then I won't. No, what were you thinking? I'm going to try to give us an overarching like here's where we're here's the big picture yeah well i'd love to hear that together so would i but dan just told me he hates it when i do it no blue hair can fuck off go ahead

wait wait um i i i just was wondering about the member the phylacter, the the guy that we let that our alter egos let loose in the last campaign. He's his like home base is here. So I felt like we were supposed to get the hammer and use that to destroy the evil elf god. Correct. Right. Right. That's the number one goal please forgive me you didn't know anything I hated I think ultimately he's happy we know what we're doing yes

okay so so I'm only teasing because teasing is fun yeah go back we regroup we think about how to learn to use the hammer we got to decide what we're doing about that mayor and then we're gonna maybe attack this undead elf

king again? I don't know. No, that is the plan, right? I don't know, everybody's just staring at me. Okay, yes. Some point. Alright, so first things first, let's go see what wallpaper they picked oh yeah there's that all right so you guys are heading back to bling bottom

uh so guys it's just like for our base of operations to move make our next move yeah yeah and i i think listeners will be impressed because this is the first time i think you guys have ever gone back to a place and not just like run screaming from location to location for an entire campaign so it's very exciting uh all right so let's see this is a bit of an excursion getting back if you uh look on back of that map you guys are sort of at the south east tip of mega lake pangadon um you came around the shells lament you uh sailed down the peel with of course Captain Snaggathus and you came all the way down from

Flasicola how would you like to get back I guess we have to go through high speed rail high speed rail we have to like cross the peel somehow and then or get try to get a boat to take us.

That would be the fastest probably, right? Or you could sneak back around the Shell's Lament and try to just cross the river there. That's where that turtle is, right? The sad turtle? Yeah, that turtle. There's probably a turtle staring out to sea, lamenting its lost love. Right. That fucking guy.

Of course, Princess Caspia is also with you stroking her little fish chin. Thank you, Quirk. So, you guys are gonna head back. Well, she's traveled a lot. Caspia, what do you think the best way for us to get to Blingbottom is? Oh, probably to sneak past that dastardly turtle.

I wouldn't try to jump across the peel I've never done that before do you know how to do that wait but if we if we sneak around it we're still on the other side of the peel from bling bottom we still have to cross it somehow right yes I suppose so hmm well then your plan

doesn't work. Well, we could go through. Do you need a rest, by the way? You could go through Upsy Pinezy. What was that? Do you need a rest? Maybe heal up a bit? All that? Yeah, how's everybody's hit points? And replenish spells and whatnot? Well, yeah, the problem is

that we were trying to get away from her uncle before he sends all of the Daxia. Yeah, I mean the problem is that we were trying to get away from her uncle before he sends all of the taxia. Yeah, I mean, you can camp next to him and have the sloth squeeze his fur water on him for the night. I'm okay to start our journey. I don't know about anybody else.

We could also camp out with him here. Then, fresh as a daisy, you know, tie him up, then execute the plan. All we need to do is get some rest, right? We did just steal an ancient treasure.

Then let's run. Pretty obviously from where we, it's not like we didn't leave a trail of destruction behind us, including a flooded tower, a some... There's a strong chance they're going to come looking for you regardless of the shaman going back

into the lake. Alright, let's make haste then. Just put some distance between us. Yeah. Okay. I'm with that. You guys, are you booking southeast to the Shell's Lament? I guess so. Yes, to sneak past the turtle. Sure. Alright, so you guys start your trek and it takes quite a few hours to Shell's Lament. Yes, to sneak past the turtle. Sure. All right.

So you guys start your trek, and it takes quite a few hours to get to your point there. So we're going to call it evening when you arrive at the Shell's Lament, and you see, of course, a giant dragon turtle, very slightly heaving up and down as its shell expands with not just breaths, but perhaps mournful sighs. Its face still out towards the ocean. You assume waiting to find some kind of answer about why its partner turned into a weird beholder turtle. You approach from a distance. So you've got plenty of time to figure out how you're going to

get past it again i i will remind you last time it breathed steam on you and nearly killed you so it is a bit tricky to sneak around and we tried i tried to illusion a map to let it know where its partner was but i guess the problem is that its partner had been transformed and not so much the location i mean you do think there's a solid chance that in the time you were gone, it actually tried to go there and came back confused or even more sad because it found the turtle full of eyeballs and tentacles. Let's disguise ourselves as bushes. No, that works in Fortnite.

Why wouldn't it work here? Unfortunately, I'm sort of out of all my things until we camp out well we could camp here maybe this is a is this feel far enough dan to for us to make a i'm sorry i called you jan almost no jan marsha marsha marsha well he almost murdered me for calling him Dana. That's his soft spot. I think me smiling and saying, oh, that's not my name, doesn't count as murder. It sounds like you're furious, Blam. Attempted murder.

I'm creepier than I thought is what I've learned today. When I express joy, everyone is like, oh. Classic Dan Telstar. What? What? Yeah. So I'll say rather than your dungeon master telling you, Princess Caspia says,

Oh, they don't usually leave the water, but we did leave them quite a mess. I think they would be willing to find a reason and a way to hunt us down after what we all did. Oh, we sure taught them. Ha ha. We don't have a tiny hunt, by any chance. No.

Oh, you mean like Violet Leomond? That one, yeah. I'm afraid not. I left everything from my magical items to my collection of traveling wigs back at my suite in the castle. Traveling wigs?

Oh, that's because I know why. Why? Doesn't everyone have a special wig for when they travel? Or when they go to take out the garbage? Perhaps if you are a Patreon subscriber and, and you listen to the bonus Q and a you'll,

you'll hear one of our listeners explain why this character loves wigs so much. I think we just need to keep going. Does anybody have anything I have a minor illusion so if we can think of another fun thing to distract the turtle I'm down and then I think we just need to try to sneak

I have sleep I have prestidigitation oh prestidigitation can help with because I can't make sounds with the illusion. So basically, can we try to create a distraction? You can, I'm not going to keep trying to say prestidigitate. It's very hard for me.

A sound, you can create a sound, maybe to go with a small illusion that will distract the turtle while we sneak. Yes. How's that sound? I can send it a message if we want to communicate with it.

I think you tried that last time and it screamed at you. Am I wrong? Maybe that was a different giant creature. I think it only could speak to me in draconic or something. Yeah, that's the thing. Yeah, we didn't speak the language. And I don't know how many hit points it has because I can roll a 5d8 to sleep. Well, wait a minute

maybe I could do this as an I've used my unwavering cuteness as a rabbit folk but I have animal tongue okay we heard this exact thing last time with this and it was he's not an animal

I know Sam says how much he loves dnd all the time but i love dnd too just the fact that there's unwavering cuteness as a spell you would think like command grouchy old metal me would hate that but i i actually really fucking love that yeah it's because it's not an animal right dan it's some kind of i don't know what its classification it's a dragon it's it's although it is very uh turtlesque it's qualified as a dragon so i could send it a message but i i couldn't i couldn't understand what it says back uh i can cast command hopefully it has a little wisdom. I think we had this problem last time. My question is, does it seem like we can sneak past it unless something goes wrong?

Because I think that's what happened last time was something went wrong. Yeah. We rolled dice. No, but it was the NPC who got burned alive by the steam. And then he stumbled back to us. And then he was brutally murdered by a tiny fish person. And and trudy's got that clinkety clankety arm yeah i'm a klutz well let's just try it i will try to illusion something and if we have to i'll cast command we'll see what happens yeah so he he might know multiple languages but you guys could not figure out a language

that he knew he is sentient his official Dungeons and Dragons classification is dragon and his size is gargantuan he's capable of understanding

language not particularly interested in learning new languages. Um, and yes, uh, you, you could try stuff. I have a good weapon now with the, um, the scimitar thing. I think it has like, uh, what's it called? Are you going to fight it? The spray. I'm just saying if we have to, like we're in a better position to defend this time, prismatic

spray. I have at least one charge. All right, let's sneak past it then. Sneaking away is all I am going to be able to do. So I can, I'll do an illusion. Yeah, we can do a sound illusion or a visual illusion or both.

So... My prestidigitation has a 10 foot range oh okay that's not that's not helpful you know what that's just you just throw a rock uh what's the range on minor illusion sarah uh this is exact i feel like i did this exact thing last time so it's um 30 feet so i think that's what i did was i snuck using my you know sneaking yes and then i got close enough to to do it so i think we know what happens first before everyone else sneaks i have a paper bark needs to roll stealth to see if she can get close enough to illusion okay there i go she rolls folks 19 oh yeah you managed to get through um you beat their they got a they got a one on their perception check so yeah, straight up lost in lamentation

as you sneak up and you cast Minor Illusion, which looks like what? It actually sounds like a small baby version of whatever the turtle sounded like before. Oh, like an infant dragon turtle? Yeah. Okay, so you're trying to, to like take your memory of the turtles roar and do like a squeaky version of it like improv style um yeah i mean it's it's it's roar

but just smaller all right uh do a deception check please can you beat a 14? I'm going to use my last luck point to try. All right. Although, didn't we do this before with Minor Illusion where it's actually not deception? It's something else.

Oh, okay. It's only if they examine it, then they have to do a successful intelligence investigation check against the spell save dc if you create a sound sorry oh no sound yeah i can yeah it's only if it investigates if a creature uses its action to examine they must determine with an investigation check okay so I rolled an investigation check um

what's your spell save DC oh god I'm sorry I had this written down because it's very annoying that it's not it's weird because you're not a spellcaster so it isn't on your sheet we did this before is it 13

I think it is we looked up how to calculate your spell save somebody do something while i blaine what is this calculation of spell save dc brought to us by oh uh uh or um this is brought to you by bakowski that thing you get into for a couple of months and then forget about, like the Kaiser Chiefs. Charles Bukowski, available online or in your local library, whatever that is. I found it. Sarah, it is

eight plus your proficiency bonus plus your wisdom modifier. Yes. It's wisdom modifier. It's 13. Yeah. I knew it.

Okay. So I rolled early. I won't count that roll. They hear it and they start swimming out. It's time for all of you guys to do a stealth check. Oh dear. Do I do another one? Yeah.

Cause I was just sneaking close enough for the spell. Now you guys are trying to head South to the peel. Or at least across the river. Oh, my fucking face. Blaine, before we moved down here, when we were still in San Francisco, I came down one time to L.A. and stayed at Laura Milligan's when she had an apartment

before on the Curson House. And she was living with Jerry Finnelli and, and, and I was staying with Jerry and, and Laura and what late one night we were out partying and we came back and I'm reading a Bukowski book and they both tore into me and I, I stopped reading Bukowski as I haven't read Bukowski since 1993. He wore out his re-welcome quickly. Yeah. I was reading women and they were two women

that were just going, he hates women. Like, what are you doing? Yeah, that's why it's funny. What's the rest of your stealth checks? Oh, I don't want to tell you mine. That's why we're stalling. I got a nine. What'd you get, Ken?

Thirteen. Oh, it's not as bad as Nathan's whiskers. Do I need better than? Oh, I guess it doesn't matter. Jelf and Danny, what did you get? What did we? I got 19. Stealth.

Stealth. Yeah, stealth is 19. I got a 15. Four. Oh, shit. Stealth Stealth is 19 I got a 15 Oh shit Danny crushed it 19 plus 5 I'm super stealthy You guys make it pretty far

You make it All the way down If you're looking at the map to about here when Nathan you just step on a bit of dry long grass and it makes a little crackle noise

it makes you fart really loud I'm now going to roll to see if the dragon turtle notices they rolled a three uh you guys all kind of stop for a second go ah fuck I don't want to die of steam again and then

realize oh okay it's it's distracted sloshing its head around in the water trying to find the sound um and also it rolled low on that so it's still looking searching for its baby that never was or perhaps it was and it is lost

you do not know the story for you never found the language of the track and turtle so you guys can now head safely closer to where the peel meets the ocean. I'll be sailing. So you guys can kind of go across this gap, you know, all the same ways you could in Oregon Trail.

Do you ford the river? Do you hire a tour guide to raft you? Except that doesn't exist here right now. How would you guys like... What is the she's no longer an octopus she's a beautiful piranha creature with legs and arms oh well uh let's see last time i clung to one of your your your backs in fear uh as we we got off the raft and snuck past and now I suppose I'll

I can swim no you climbed off a raft I think and you just swam for like 10 feet or something yes we could try making it across this is pretty far though if we head to your little Davin

map I see you are all carrying you'll notice comparatively that's a pretty big distance of where the center of the continent is is our water breathing still going? or no? no

we had like four hours left on it so yeah you spent like almost that exact amount getting this far I will say you guys feel like if the Yeah, you spent like almost that exact amount getting this far. I will say you guys feel like if the Galaxian Empire sent troops, they would at least be distracted for a moment by trying to sneak past the dragon turtle. So you do feel like maybe you could camp here by the river relatively safely as midnight approaches. All right. We'll do that. Maybe a boat will come in the meantime and then we can hitch a ride and if not

at least we'll be healed up. I like that. Get all healed up. Spoiler alert, I will be definitely rolling to see if something happens whilst you sleep. Danny will protect us.

If not, I'll enjoy hearing Nathan cry out You'll still sleep. Danny will protect us. Mm-hmm. If not, I'll enjoy hearing Nathan cry out for him. Who is going to take first watch? I'll do it. Jelf also raised his hand. You want to stay up with him, Jelf? Sure, let's do it. I think you're muted, Blaine.

Am I? You were, maybe, but now you are not. Are you staying up with Danny? Yeah, yeah, staying up late. We're going to make popcorn and watch James Bond movies. Oh, what do you guys think of this James Bond movie that you're watching? Thumbs up. Yeah.

Tensors, Morden, Kanan, Finger. All right, why don't you guys... Morden, Kanan's All right. Why don't you guys, Mordenkainen's tome of fingers. So why don't you guys roll a perception check, please? Do who we're watching. Yeah, you're sleepy times,

2D true Anvil. 19 plus 6, 25. Wonderful. Good. Glad he rolled high. I got a seven plus three, 25. Wonderful. Good. Glad he rolled high. I got a 7 plus 3, 10. You notice something pretty weird, Jelf.

For like an hour, everything's pretty quiet. You're like, oh, what a great spot. This might be the most peaceful night's sleep in the wilderness, at least, that the Castaway Cuties have had yet. sleep in the wilderness at least that the castaway cuties have had uh yet then you hear this sort of in the distance i'm pretty sure it's a dragon turtle it's sort of echoing up over the shore you you you point and danny can't quite hear it it's that far away but you swear you hear like even more like it doesn't sound like it's getting closer it doesn't sound like it's getting closer. It doesn't sound like it's getting farther away, but you definitely hear this like loud thudding noise. It's attacking the people following us.

I hear, I don't hear anything else. No screams or anything. It's too far away for anything other than these extremely heavy flipper falls to resonate across the beach. Flipper falls. What else do you call it? When the flippers of a giant dragon turtle slide down upon the beach. Can Danny hear this?

No, it's just, he can't hear it. You're like, he's like, it's distant, but your, your elf ears perk up and you're pretty sure you're you're you're catching

the wind just right with the way your head is tilted uh-huh uh do we just want to kind of sit and wait and uh can i just sort of stay tuned to it for the rest of this thing and see if it gets any closer any uh has any pattern to it or anything yeah it goes on for about a minute and then you hear this really loud and danny hears it too um things get very quiet well hopefully it steamed their enemies to death i bet you whoever yeah that, that's what happened. Things continue to be quiet for the rest of your watch. Are you going to take your turn sleeping and healing? Yeah, I guess.

Yeah, I'll tell everybody whoever's next. Yeah, I'll take a watch. 2D Awakens with Iva, no less. Because I got my, yeah, sponsor no less Nathan you're staying asleep I'm happy to be on watch I thought I needed to 8 hours

I'm not asking if you want to do watch I'm just making note that you're the only one who's stayed asleep are we not getting 8 hours if I also do a watch I thought we always rotated to that work I'm not trying

to call anything unusual attention i'm just making a note of it everyone need not panic there is no emergency with the sleeping very sneaky then i'm not doing anything to you right now i promise um i'm mainly trying to figure out who sees princess cospia clearly pretending to sleep as she very slowly inches towards where Nathan is sleeping so she can just be kind of close to him so cute so I've a 2d why don't you

roll your perception checks please all right I shall here it comes now well Here it comes now. What the hell? 17. 10. Iva, again, you missed this at first,

but 2D, you think you hear more roaring and thudding, much like you heard Jelf tell you about on his watch. Off in the distance? Yep. Not close. Nope. Okay. It seems almost like another clash is happening.

Good. I like it. Iva, again, you're like, eh, you can't quite make it out, but 2D, you definitely hear it. I tell her all about it. Okay. What would you guys like to do? Do, you can't quite make it out. But 2D, you definitely hear it. I tell her all about it. Okay. What would you guys like to do? Do the same thing Jelf did?

Yeah. Keep an ear out. Okay. The end of your watch approaches, and you don't hear any more roaring or repetitive things, but you do sort of think, 2D, you hear

something in the jungle to the north, just like a little like... It's like there's rustling branches in a palm tree. I have a no, and we'll tell the next people I watch to keep an eye out

Andy here who's on next watch I will Danny and Nathan I'm guessing right sure when Nathan wakes up Princess Caspia goes oh do you need someone to help you with watch

what is your note you want to say, Sarah? Well, I mean, I guess we're just doing, if we're doing, we did the only people who haven't, yeah, I guess it has to be, doesn't it have to be, I'm sorry, but if we're doing eight hours for each group of people, then it's going to be a long night. Yeah, that's the thing. Every time everyone is

confused and horrified by this process but yes for all of you to get eight hours it's the reason it sounds so stupid and frustrating is because you used to have fucking tiktok the mechanical man who didn't need sleep who would just sit there like a fucking brinks alarm and just wait for this massive perception checks. You know, I only need four hours. I can do, maybe take another shift. Oh, so me and Jelf? That'll be fun.

We can talk about living in the forest, something we have in common. And how does that go? Well, I normally live towards the bottom of a tree. I like to jump around from limb to limb. You guys are going to get along great.

That's exactly what I thought we'd hear from him. So you guys roll your perception check, please. Perception. Perception. 21. 20 of course oh damn 19 nice uh yeah you you you hear um a rustling and then nathan you're pretty sure you see a small creature human humanoid but small, kind of shimmy down a tree and start making its way farther into the jungle. Away from us. Yes.

Oh. I think we've been spotted. What the hell? I'll share that with Jelf. Is Danny awake? Did it look like any sort of thing that he recognized? Yeah, did I recognize? Did it seem like a gnome little thing or more like a monkey little thing?

It's a little hard to see. It's about 100 yards north. You guys are kind of on the beach in this sort of dry spot where the sand sort of turns into dirt and grass. But 100 yards north, there's some palm trees and thicker foliage. And it was, you know, about the size of Iva, maybe a little smaller. About the size of Iva, maybe a little smaller. Should I go try to follow it really fast?

Sure. Can I do that? Yeah, why don't you make a survival check? And tell me, are you using any abilities? I got a natural 20 and a plus six survival, so I'll just... abilities i got a natural 20 uh and a plus six survival so are you gonna use any special abilities on top of that sir uh not right now no nothing right now okay so uh oh yeah i'm also i'm gonna do a pat i'm gonna pass without trace i can do that i'm good at passing without you love to see it or don't see it. So you head over into the jungle and you're dodging amongst a foliage to try to avoid letting it brush up against you and make a sound.

Nathan, are you just sort of staying awake back by the camp? Yeah, I think Nathan's going to count off like what he thinks is about two minutes after Jelf's gone. And then after that that he might start waking people up he's kind of giving jelf a little time to see what jelf can do okay um jelf you make it over a small hill this thing is staying about 100 yards in front of you but you're keeping an eye you're used to jumping from tree to jury tree to tree or tree to jury uh from your time as a wood elf in amina and you get over this hill and you see an encampment of it's hard to tell they don't have any fires lit it's almost like they enjoy the cold of night and the darkness, there's somewhere between like 150,

200 Galaxians just like set up. They've got these like weird piles of supplies that they're kind of pulling back and forth. No real buildings or anything, but you think you see a lot of weapons. Yeah. And between 150 and 200 of these things, and you can see in the distance the shells lament

the dragon turtles looking around and you think you can see a dozen or so galaxians kind of like trying to distract it as a wave of galaxians like rushes past the dragon so it looks like they've been coming in waves during the night. And this scout is heading through one last stretch of brush, probably to go alert the 150 to 200 Galaxians that he has found the castaway cuties. Jelf. Okay, I'm going to shoot him with one of my Jelf arrows. Roll to attack.

How about a 19? That's a hit roll your damage uh sorry four five plus four nine oh yeah and uh i'm gonna do it again how's that sound um yeah i mean he goes down he looks like he's crawling at this point okay well i'm gonna i just rolled another 15 plus 4 so another 19 oh that's another hit roll your damage and 6 plus 4 so 10 more points so your second arrow goes and uh you see a little spray of blood kind of go, and a hand goes, and you hear this. I'm going to run into the town and tell,

hey, I killed that dude that was going to tell you about us. You do think, so he, again, he's about a hundred yards in front of you, or no, he's closer now. You sped up right to shoot this arrow, but that means you're within 90 feet.

So, you know, he's about just as far from the camp. You think if you leave him low chance he's going to make it? Okay, I'm going to run up and make sure he doesn't make it. All right, do a stealth check, please. 19.

24. So 23. All right, so as he's making his death saving throws, you rush up to him and you see it is indeed a little purple Galaxian. Looks like not long for this world trying to get through, and he looks up at you, and he hisses. Okay, I kill him. All right, so you pull out your longsword

and just execute this guy? Yeah, pretty much. All my needs to be done. Okay. Yeah. Why don't you tell me what you want to do next? Head back to camp? Yes.

Wish it could have helped. Well, that was part of the uniqueness of being on watch. That was awesome. Why don't you do a stealth check to try to get back to camp without being seen because you are now about 90 feet from

200-ish fish monsters. 13 plus 4, 17. Excellent. You make it back up over that hill towards the Castaway Cuties without attracting the main group's attention or you believe any more scouts. Okay.

As the sun is starting to get reasonably high up over the mountains and cast light over the camp. Did I feel like that they were trying to lure the dragon turtle towards where we are? No, you that they were trying to to lure the the dragon turtle towards where we are or no you think they were doing the same thing basically iva was doing like one of them was trying to be like hey look at me while a wave of of the army came across you also got the distinct feeling that they were like sure you were on this side of the turtle and they were just fanning out some scouts to pin you down okay uh i i'm gonna get back to camp and uh uh well i'll get back and tell uh

is is it uh is it nathan yes i'm gonna tell nathan everything should we wake these guys up yes we should get the fuck out of here i know they're sleeping i wake everybody up everyone wakes up to the the furry velvety paw of nathan whiskers jostling them violently oh hey buddy good morning they found us we have to run oh shit smart it's very scary so we gotta swim I guess the peel which we didn't want to do but here we go it looks like you're gonna have to swim for quite a long time so I'm gonna need everyone to

do a survival check sure we're all rested now right yep you've got you're all full health, right? Yep. You're all at full health. Full spell slots. Full key points. There's just one problem.

Tootie, you want to tell us what that problem is? The hammer. Oh. And on that note... Fucking hammer. We'll talk about that survival check next time. And on that note, we'll, we'll talk about that survival check next time on the old nerdy pokes. Cause while I did want you to roll,

it occurs to me. Yeah, that's, that might require some emergency discussion. So let's, let's think on that. Hey, Hey Sam. Hi. It's funny seeing on that. Hey, uh, Hey Sam.

Hi. It's funny seeing you here. Hey, thank you, man. I've been here, uh, since the beginning. Well then why don't you tell us what you think happened? I would love to. We're headed back to bling bottom, but we have to figure out how, uh, I hope this is one of those episodes where we spend an hour climbing up the side of a boat.

Uh, we tried to figure out how to talk to a turtle and we rested and we stumbled upon 200 Galaxians and then we murdered a scout who probably had a family. Maybe not. I think he was a bachelor. No. He really felt like a bachelor. No, he got the job to help pay for his kid's school. Oh.

He had a T-shirt that said Confirmed Bachelor. Oh, that's not good at all. Like the one Chris is wearing? Mm-hmm. Tickle me. Cool. Anything else? Oh, yeah.

Well, you should all head to nerdpokerpod.com because we've got some merch we've got delightful merch we've got our new heavy metal logo on stainless steel water bottles uh ladies muscle tank a the kilts come in yet no kilts but we've of course got Brian Posehn and the Boinkones shirts. So please, I don't know. Oh, and a pencil and dice bag that says Palladino's Bauhaus of Pain. Listen, we haven't talked about the merch in a while, so I wanted to drop that in there. But also, I may be doing stand-up in Chicago and Gainesville

and all kinds of lovely places. If the world isn't on fire, but I'm, uh, I'm spacing it out, spacing out to October to hope that helps. And,

uh, yeah. Tales of Zadia.com. I'm adapting the dragon Prince for a tabletop role-playing game. And I've got two adventures already published on the website. You could be playing right now. So why don't you watch that show on the old Netflix and check out that game?

And maybe you'll want to order the book I'm writing for 40 hours a week. That's my plugs. What about you, Brian? I'm back on the road. So I'm in Raleigh, North Carolina this weekend, but it's probably too late. But Sacramento. But just the point is, go to brianpassain.com for tour dates.

More coming up in the fall. But one of the things of being back on the road, I got cash for the first time in a long time. I was at Cob cobs last month and uh sparky the unicorn of woe uh also known as mark uh gave us 20 for uh nerd poker thanks sparky and also mark uh and then i have some woodworking to share with all of you and this came a while this came in a while ago and so whenever we get to be in person i'll share it with you and then i'll also take some pictures and put it up but uh we got a new dice tower and uh some coasters from peter leapsig

but i'll read uh i'll read what he wrote real quick. Dear Nerd Poker crew, thank you for the hundreds of hours of adventuring and laughter. I've been a fan since the Flugelhorn days, and I wanted to send you a small gift as a sign of appreciation. I know that you can't all be in the same place right now, but hopefully one day soon you'll be able to pass this dice tower around the table. In the meantime, please feel free to use these

coasters to prop up your scotch anytime you need to make a death-saving throw. I've included one for each of you, including Sam, but somehow I forgot Jerry. Please don't tell him. Peter Leipzig, Grandpa and Sons Woodworking.

Thanks, Peter. They're really beautiful. Can you show us on the camera? Not right now. They're in my garage. Send us pics. Yeah, I will send pics. I was waiting until we were all together,

but I did see that I had these two things on my desk. Thanks again, Sparky. And people in Raleigh Nerd Poker Cash again and we'll shout you out thanks everybody Blaine what's going on with you and Kitchenator

it's kind of sad over here we're doing a show this weekend with some other bands I don't know it looks like we're going to doing a show this weekend with some other bands. I don't know. It looks like we're going to have to retire Stacy Top. So it might be our last show. That was

one hell of a pun. I'm going to have to ask you guys what it means in a minute. Well, thanks. Oh, no. I guess you listened to it again. Thanks for not saying that thing. Bye.

Thanks for listening to another episode of Nerd Poker. You can follow us at patreon.com slash nerdpoker, and you get bonus episodes from there. And you can also send us anything at P.O. Box 16069, Encino, California, 91416. Thanks for listening.