Nerd Poker - S4E48 Beach Keach

Episode Date: August 10, 2021

Guess what— the Castaway Cuties are now level 6! But will their new level help them escape the Gillaxian army? Maybe? It's a whole army and all, but hey it's fun to plan how to get a giant hammer across a river!

Hey everybody, I'm Brian Pouss. Comedian, writer, actor, nerd. I've been playing D&D with my friends for a long time. I decided to do a new podcast where we play Dungeons & Dragons in my very own dining room. With my wife, kid, and my noisy dogs. So meet my friends... Sarah Kev Dan

Clay Chris Now it's time for another episode of Brian Pussain's Nerd Poker. Season 4. Hey everybody, I'm Brian Pussain. You're listening to Brian Pussain's Nerd Poker, episode 48. My friends are here. Look at them.

Look at them. God damn it. Delightful. Hey, Blaine. Hi, him. Look at him. God damn it. Delightful. Hey, Blaine. Hi, Brian. Oh, Jesus. Forget what I said. There's Dan. Look at him. Hey, Brian.

I already want to botch this episode. There's Ken Daly. There he is. Hi, Lear Wild. Oh, my God. Did you guys have the worst meeting before this and decided to... Let's ruin the podcast at the beginning.

Let's all just act upsetting for Brian. Let's just all... There's Chris. Hey, Chris. Brian, I got stabbed! I like that guy. Oh, what? Yep. Sarah's here. Oh, what? That's that guy. Sarah's here.

Hi, Brian. Thanks for surprising me. I was like, she's not going to go with this gag. Nope. There you go. She's seven feet tall. That's all. That's her natural voice. Hey. And our engineer, Sam.

Hello, sweet children. Yay. Thanks for not trying to do a weird voice. Finally, someone has this shit together. What's going on, Dan? Oh, nothing. Just feeling like we've got some amazing Patreon supporters. How about I shout some out, Brian?

You should. Do it. I'm gonna. We're supported by Patreon supporters who are just so generous. Thanks, everybody who can do it. That's why you're listening. If you're listening, it's because of these fine folks, and they go by Patreon usernames like

These Pizza Rolls Are Even Hotter Than Blaine's Mic Technique. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you, T-P-R-A-E-H-T-B-M-T. Thanks also, Peter Bartlett. Thank you, Sean Allen. Thank you, Ben Feltz. Thank you, Warduke's Armored Cuke.

Sounds like a cucumber reference. That's what C-U-K-e is right yeah always weird it's like verbally cuke is of course short for cucumber but when you see it written down you're like there ain't no goddamn k and cucumber what is this a racist cucumber why is there a k in it anyway to meet cuke thank you christian slater's inevitable spiderwe web fart revenge what no fucking clue what that means but I enjoyed the visual that I it's very interesting I think they mean because in my stand-up act I

well in my real life I farted on Christian Slater what's a spider web I'm gonna say there's so many like pop culture references to people farting on Christian Slater that it can't possibly be that brand. Oh,

really? No, I'm lying. It's a reference to your standup. Thank you. In response. Thank you. Newbody.

Thank you. Thank you. Stump Humper 69. Oh, that's. Thank you. Thank you. Sam's creep peeps while creep sleeps. Thank you, Sam's Creep peeps while

Creep sleeps. Thank you. Thank you to this person who I have to expand the spreadsheet cell in order to read your entire username. Thank you. Blaine's hot mic is

a hit due, of course, to his wit. The only problem is I laughed so hard my pants are now filled with shh. And then they couldn't finish. Oh. Oh. I would have gone with shaving cream. Feel nice and clean. Shave every day and you'll always look game.

Oh. I'm so glad you were here to answer that question. Thank you, Allie, Allie, Boballie. Thank you, 15 miles to the Rorschach. Oh, oh. Thank you, tall glass of hot dog water. It's clearly a Limp Bizkit fan there. Thank you, Lucan541,

one of my moderators on Twitch. Thank you. Thank you, TwinkleCherry. Thank you, Richard Herrera. Thank you. Thank you. What? How's that spelled?

I thought that was the name. Thank you, Ramen's Spicy Noodle. what what how's that spelled i thought that was the name thank you thank you ramen's spicy noodle oh oh but ramen is made of spicy noodles sure sure that's all it means thank you human tail but thank you human resources puffin stuff review board at Thank you, Human Resources Puffin Stuff Review Board on the Puffin Edibility question. I figured out. Puffin. I guess. Thank you.

That's what they call a mind puzzle. Thank you, Zach Moadweeb. Wadib. It's Bene Gesserit. This has to be a reference to something because this is also too dark. Thank you, Little Old Lady got mutilated late last night. Her hair was perfect. I don't get the reference, so I'm just upset.

Thank you, of course, also, finally, to Jelf's School of Rhyme and Reason. And then in parenthetical smells like Halstein's spirit, which I'm assuming is their former name on there. Hey Blaine, who were those Patreon supporters brought to us by? Oh, they were brought to us tonight by aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaavavavavavavavavavavava Bad. Classic. Pants Piers.

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No longer affiliated with Bee Panthers or Slosh Crotch Gardens. Pants Piers. A place to go. My goodness. Dan? I mean, he really made eye contact with

the camera for that extended long, long, intense eye contact. Yeah. Sometimes Blaine's just the announcer. This time Blaine was selling a product. Yeah. Wow. Wow. Yeah. Alright, well.

I just like the pacing of the old ones because they just uh they're a little more sophisticated i'm always i always like listening to those it's like it's like watching papillon or french connection just a different speed oh yeah it's a cut above i love i love you just made a papillon

reference brian did you think sophisticated when you heard pants peers? Yeah, as soon as the record started scratching, that's all I could think, yeah. That's the sound of someone peeing in their pants. It's not like a record scratching. It's pants peers. Oh.

A spear you keep in your pants. That's probably not a good way. I don't like where this went, but guess what? I'm taking control because it's time to talk about what happened last time. Oh, no. A nerd poker. That's right.

Now I've got a disembodied baby face with glowing lights inside of it that I'm doing during this. Not for long. Hello, HR? Come in, HR. HR, come in. You can't take me out of here, HR. I won't listen. Get out of here.

Ugh. You have no jurisdiction. Yes, Brian, this looks like a baby mask from one of your other stand-up comedy bits. Oh, boy. Anyway, the castaway cuties finally procured Bahamut's hammer from the Galaxian city. And as they try to take it back to Blingbottom, whoopsie doodle, the entire Galaxian army is following them back to Blingbottom. And they've got their backs up against a river while dragging a 250 pound hammer. What will

they do next? Why, they'll tell us how they leveled up to level 6, of course. We now bring you to NerdPoker, already in progress. So, yep, that's where we're at right now. You guys get to level up. So, why don't

you tell us a little bit about what you decided to do with your characters if you like, and if not, we can, you know, give a broad view of what happened. Chris, I think we... Did that make that into the episode that we leveled up?

I don't think it did. Yeah. I think this will be news to our listeners. So, you know what what if any of this is boring just try to like ride off of the delight you felt inside yourself when you learned that the cast had just leveled up wee hurrah hurrah uh but yeah i want to lead off with you chris because i i uh i don't want to save the best for last or anything and also i do think that you are doing something particularly interesting well cool uh yeah uh nathan has felt that uh especially when we get into fights that he's uh worthless once once his spell slots kind of go away so uh as uh as we're running from these

or getting to write from these galaxians whatever we're about to do, he will start making with his paw, these little symbols. And he's like, look, and he sort of points with his other paw and Iva might recognize that he is signaling to her in thieves. Can't. And yeah.

So Nathan has picked up instead of becoming a level six wizard, he is still a level five wizard and, and a level one rogue. Whoa. Yeah. Because now that will, he is still a level 5 wizard and a level 1 rogue whoa yeah because now that will once he has armor now he can wear it doesn't have any right now but also it'll help with attacks and sneak attack

and stuff like that so right now he's just sort of like I'm going to try to be nimble I need to get some sort of murder device and of course murderers thieves tools, but you have those. So we as a group are still

covered. But yes, I'm going to try and be a little bit of a murderer like you, Iva. This is thrilling. I'm so happy for you. Can I give him something? Can I give him a weapon? Absolutely. Yeah. We'll say that you know you could have been doing this on your way down to the breach where you're you're crossing

so there's no panic mode you guys have to be in during the discussion of leveling up if you've got a weapon you'd like to hand off right now that would be a okay with me well i think i gave i have a dagger i do have a i have a dagger yes okay because i gave um i think i gave princess cosby of the dagger of venom before she went under nice so maybe you could she doesn't need that anymore probably it's pretty cool or she can hang on i'm happy to trade off whenever she needs a weapon doesn't she i don't know does she even know how to use it yeah she does uh she's not particularly good at using it she even know how to use it? Yeah, she does. She's not particularly good at using it, but she knows how to use it.

Okay. Well, then I guess I can't help you that much. Maybe someone else has. Oh, yes. I have the... I have a short sword and I also have that... I don't... Does anyone else have a little extra? Nathan. Would you like to trade your dagger for this

fancy dagger that I've lent me? If you would, but I'm also very happy to let you have a very fancy dagger to protect yourself. Well, I think this might help you learn how to execute your new trade or what have you. Very good. Thank you then. And so I will give her the dagger that I have. Great. So she's still armed, but yeah, you'll get those nice venom stats her the dagger that i have great so she's still armed but uh yeah you'll

you'll get those nice venom stats what is that thing called i'll send it to you well you just search for this in the it's in the system so okay but what's it called yeah i'm sending it to you got it all right that's the dagger venom for the people who are listening to this. It's an audio platform. While we're... I just DM'd you all. All the listeners just got it. Bing. Speaking of ding, I wanted to move on to someone. Hey, Brian. Yeah.

What are you noticing about Danny at level 6? I haven't fucked around with it yet. I was waiting for help. Sure, here it comes i uh well i i added to uh his uh his points i added my uh strength and constitution and then um i'm looking at the max hit points how do i do this on D&D Beyond? So I hit manage HP? Yeah, oh boy, this is pretty easy, I think.

If you go to manage HP, it should be right there. And then you have to roll a, right, to add Oh, it doesn't automatically do it. Yeah, and then you have to confirm multiple times to change your hit points.

Yeah, and you have to get a note when you sign off. So basically, you can roll whatever your D... I forget what it is for you. For Monk? D8. So yeah, you just roll a D8. So just one, right?

Yep. And here it comes. Blaine, who is this eight-sided dice roll brought to us by? Oh, this is brought to us by Play-Doh Toxic. Play-Doh for adults who can handle it. Play-Doh Toxic.

Now available without a prescription. Dan. Thank you, Blaine. What'd you get there, Brian, for your new hit points? Sweet. Oh, shit. So now you add that to your rolled HP there's a number that says there's like little arrows next to it in the manage HP section

yeah so just go up 8 and there you go and then you click apply ta da hey Brian and there you go and then you click apply ta-da okay cool hey brian want to hear something cool about six level that i know that you get to do no what oh i mean you don't want to know i know i do want to know yeah if you want i don't want to be rude i can just pause real quick and go fuck myself and then no i'll tell you don't want to be rude. I can just pause real quick and go fuck myself. And then I'll tell you. Don't be so sensitive. I'm not being,

I'm trying to be funny. You son of a bitch. Uh, uh, how dare you? How dare you take a joke away from me? Me, the straight man.

Uh, okay. So you're way of the shadow at level six, you gain the ability to step from one shadow to another. When you're in dim light or darkness as a bonus action, you can teleport up to 60 feet to an unoccupied space that you can see that's also

in dim light or darkness. You then have advantage on the first melee attack you make before the end of the turn. Do I have to pick that, or that's something that... No, motherfucker, you get that automatically when you level up very cool so i'm gonna put that in the chat for you uh that's gonna be in dnd beyond but you might

want to copy and paste that somewhere handy for yourself if you use say your computer's note function okay all right cool hey blaine have you leveled up yet? I did. That's all I add. Sorry to interrupt, but that's all I needed to work on. Yeah, the rest of it, I believe, should be included. That's the Monaster edition you get anyway at level six. In addition to that, you get key empowered strikes, which I think you already noted maybe before we went on the air, but I know I heard you say those words

together you also get added another five feet to your unarmored movement so you get a bonus to your movement you get faster you get another key point you have six key points now so that's pretty cool right

yeah looks good yes but Blaine have you leveled up yet So that's pretty cool, right? Yeah. Looks good. Yes. But Blaine, have you leveled up yet? I did. Now I'm level 42 because there's something about you, baby. That's not what I expected at all. Yeah, I guess I'll text Sam later and have him cut that out. Oh.

Are you playing that stick bass, Blaine, where it's just one long, narrow rod? Oh, like the Chapman stick? Well, that's a 10-string instrument. That's not really a bass, Chris. Oh, interesting. Yeah, you know, I think you're probably thinking of the Steinberger, which is just a headless bass. Oh. I regret ever speaking. That's okay.

We'll be back with more on Guitar Center Network right after these messages from Guitar Center. I leveled up to level six. I leveled up to level six and the only thing that happens for me is I got to choose between a feat or two points of ability increases. So, I was thinking about I could either do disable comments, that would be a really good thing. Oh, yeah. I could just, you know, like just not to, like, read people replying to stuff. But then I thought that would be kind of a waste and very limited. So, I went with increasing my constitution by two points. Cool.

Hey, Ken, did you level up? I did. And I know that I got some more, like, five more healing points in my healing pool. Nice. Nice. Nice. I'm supposed to get something called

Aura of Protection. I can't find it anywhere in my in my I can find it on the It's not showing up? Yes, it's not showing up. Well, I'm going to pull that But this is what it is.

You know, tell us. Starting at 6th level, whenever you or a friendly creature within 10 feet of you must make a saving throw, the creature gains a bonus to the saving throw equal to your charisma modifier with a minimum bonus of plus 1. You must be conscious to grab this bonus. Nice.

So I help people with their saving throws. I just don't see where it is. Yeah, and I will say in my experience that comes in especially handy in like crowded combat in a small room where your friends are getting hit right next to you or when there's a they they suffer from a trap nearby because you're in a dungeon i assumed it would be under actions but i didn't see it there did you look under features and traits well if it's if it's adding oh yeah because if it's adding automatically to your saving throw it would be already added to

your savings there it is right yeah it's oh yeah it would be added automatically and it is in my uh features and traits you guys are also starting to get high enough level where you've got a lot of stuff to track. So I want to just recommend a little hack for me, which is if I'm online looking at my character, I sometimes don't process well how it's arranged. So I will get the PDF and that way I know everything is on there somewhere and I can do like a keyword search for it. Interesting. Yes. Other than that, I gained a new spell, which is Lesser Restoration. Nice.

That's such a creature, cure disease, afflictions, blindness, deafness, paralyze, poison. That's outstanding uh that's that that that means a lot of situations you guys could have been pretty screwed uh judy can bail you out that's great and and i will speaking of bail uh let's talk to our only cast member who's been in prison for an extended period of time. Hey, Sarah, what was leveling up like for you? Man, starting some rumors. I got two whole extra hit points.

So that's great. That's it? Yeah. That's what I rolled, man. But I did get significantly more stealthy and much more persuasive. What are your bonuses to those now? My bonuses to both of them now are... No, my persuasion bonus is an 8 plus 8,

and my stealth bonus is a 9 plus 9. Wow. That's stealthy. I feel like if at level 6 you're already a plus 9, a nine plus nine. Wow. That's tough. I feel like if at level six you're already a plus nine, that's going to get absolutely insane in a couple levels. I mean, I'm probably going to die

due to the fact that I only added two hit points, but my hit points are shockingly low. At least, it feels shocking to me. Like, I've just rolled badly for every single yeah each of our three level up one level anyway it's fine it's no biggie i'll be fine i'll just slip into the shadows every time and let you all die oh who's next huh well speaking i think i'm just gonna hang on that now. But I did think as long as we're talking about people dying.

So let's talk about where you guys are at. We had you roll survival check. But as we discussed off air, we're going to reroll that because you've all got new stats and you've probably got new survival bonuses. And so a couple of those. Yeah, well, here's the thing. Why don't we not even do that just yet? There's a chance you might not want to, because I forced the discussion point and we had a lot happening at once,

right? As the episode was ending. So let's deal with, uh, you guys need to talk amongst yourselves for a second. Cause even though, you know, cresting up over the hill,

there might soon be an army of little, you know, bipedal piranha murderers you guys got across a really wide river inlet to the ocean while carrying a 250 pound hammer uh there's some simple tricks i'm sure you can pull off what are you going to do a 250 pound hammer uh there's some simple tricks i'm sure you can pull off what are you going to do uh i mean the first question is how much does it when you shrink it how much does it weigh again could you swim with it or is it still way too heavy i thought we said it came down to around 40 pounds but that only lasts for a minute yeah i could swim very far oh wait a second yeah i could swim very far oh wait a second how far how far across the river is it it's pretty far um you well yeah you think it you think it's it would take you at least like 20 minutes half an hour to get across

so it's pretty i was just wondering So it's pretty deep. I was just wondering if Brian could use shadow stuff. I was going to say, could Danny shadow stuff, yeah. Yeah. There's no, like, little islands with shadows on them. There's a couple of large rocks, but they're far out there. They're not within, say, 60 feet of each other. Yeah, this is a big, remember, you're crossing this water that goes through a canyon, a canyon too large to travel across.

this water that goes through a canyon a canyon too large to travel across so you know there there's you know a few hundred feet between you and the next shore uh and it's you know with heavy current perhaps we should bury it and come back throw it into the yeah shrink it then let's get it i mean uh cospea could could swim drag it out a little bit farther, at least get it in the middle so we can run the other side. Would you like me to see if I can lift this hammer? I'm very strong. Sure. Yes, please.

Judy, would you hand me the hammer? Hmm. Judy? Yes? I see stroking your dwarven beard and kind of staring into the middle distance. Why would that be? So eager to grab the hammer. Oh, no, it was introduced as a topic by your friends, not mine. I'm merely going along with the group conversation.

Let the right one in! All right. one in. Alright. I will use a hanky to hold it so I don't get the handy bite. I mean, I could also just shrink it and throw it. Any one of us could throw it at its 40 pound weight.

But if she can actually lift it, she can walk along the bottom of the thing maybe because she can breathe underwater and get it all the way to the other side. Right? I could push her down into the mud though. thing, maybe, because she can breathe underwater and get it all the way to the other side. Right? I can push her down into the mud, though. Well, she's offering to try, so I say let's see if she can lift it. Could she even heft it up?

She is a weird sea monster, right? I am a weird sea monster. It's true. I didn't say it out loud, obviously. Oh! Alright. We just think it. You've said it with your eyes. Is it Luca? Look, we've made many mistakes before.

Yes, have you learned nothing from Pixar's Luca? Very offensive. Anyway, yes, if you'd like, thank you. If you do have, perhaps, a hammer cozy that I can use to hold this, so I am not... Well, it's wrapped in the cloak. Oh, lovely. So, let me take this and, so I am not. Well, it's wrapped in the cloak. Oh, lovely. So let me take this and...

Oh, jeez. Well, so here's the deal. This is too heavy for me to carry, but I can drag it a bit, a bit like one of those armoires you get off of Craigslist, and it's a lot heavier than you expected, and you drag it up the front steps of your place,

and it carves some some big you know grooves in your in your steps and you're like oh there goes my security deposit i wouldn't know anything about that i'm a princess i don't rent but uh anyway i do think if you gave me a long period of time eventually i would be able to drag it across the river. Hmm. If my kind find out I'm doing it, they might wrest it from me. But if you can keep them at bay or say kill the ones who may show up, they won't find me.

Probably. So we have to stay on this side to fight the people to let her cross safely with it. Yes. I would think. Because I forgot, they can just technically go into the water then also it. Yes. I would think. Because they, I forgot, they can just technically go into the water then also too.

Yes. Sounds like if this is a solution, you would merely need to fight off a few waves of them or perhaps a bunch of waves of them. I don't know. If she, if she buries it

just beyond the water's edge so that the water will sort of help you know if we bury it it'll just sort of naturally be there we'll know it's there but then we can run for our lives then we have to come all the way back here to get it yes this is all very fucked i will just like i'm tired of traveling. I hate to be an NPC who ruins a perfectly stupid plan, but I do want to just jump in here real quick and say you gotta

think this is an important hammer, and they might notice if there's like a recently covered hole with like magic aura bursting out of it, so let's fight these guys, what do you say? Yeah, I mean, I'm just trying to figure this out. I feel is let's fight these guys what do you say yeah I mean I'm just trying to figure this out I feel like that's the last

step but if we can't uh float it across or anything else teleport it across I guess we can't nobody has any of these powers we don't have a raft so we couldn't even like swim and pull it along what if just hail Bahamut here uh you do like a

quick like could you make this feather light for you know however long it's going to take us to get across however long dan said or even could you make it like float like a flotation device to help me get across? But whatever. Yeah, but if you could just pray to him and maybe he can give it less mass while we travel. Dan looks suspicious, but you never know. You could roll a check

and then it might work. If I may be a law and order judge for a moment, I'll allow it. Why don't you do a religion check? Let's check that religion. Let me check that. Hey, there's Ken in the corner.

Hey, there's Ken in the spotlight. Oh, I hope he's checking his religion. Ken, it doesn't seem like you've been getting on the sun very much. You look very pale. Well, I got an eight. I guess I could use a luck point and check again. Yeah. Oh, Nelly.

Luck, the weirdest thing you can do in Dungeons and Dragons. Luck be something to not. A lot of elderly folks sure wish that was in first edition. That was a 12. Can you add them together? Let me just use up all my luckies. Yeah.

You hear Bahamut just kind of going, you want it inflated? Elm, I'm busy. All right. you hear Bahamut just kind of going you want it inflated I love my busy that was a 19 did you use your last point I used my last oh all right so you mark those off

yeah you you mark those off yeah uh you you um let's see i'm gonna i need to do a quick spell to hey blaine uh just redeem them all what uh hey blaine what was this dan doing a quick research check brought to us by, please. This research check is brought to you by single-use fleshlights from Bausch & Lomb. Toss and toss. Daily use fleshlights from

Bausch & Lomb. Ugh. Get an ugh out of Brian. Alright, thinking about how difficult it is to keep those things clean well you don't have to worry about that with the Bausch and Lomb Yeah, so this is

kind of like a condom really Nathan, was this your spell you were using on the hammer? What? Who was making the hammer small? He was just trying to talk to Bahamut. No, I know. I'm backing it up a second. Who had...

We hadn't made it small yet. But who did it in the past? I have enlarged, reduced. Okay, so... Ooh, I just thought of something. Oh, is it... Would you like me to not give the Bahamut monologue that I've... No, go ahead go ahead

because oh like you could get enlarged and then it's easier to walk across exactly but let's okay okay let's see what Bahamut has to say Bahamut says um yes 2D there's one thing that I can do for you

and one other thing your friend Nathan has a spell called Enlarge, Reduce. Thank goodness we stopped for a second so I could fill in that part of this Mad Lib monologue. The thing is, I can only assist him in helping. I can help him help you cube a Gooding Jr. right

in that movie with Tom Cruise. So what we are going to do here is it's a concentration spell. We can let it go instead of a minute, ten minutes. And it can either enlarge you, or it can reduce the hammer. It's only going to work once. And I will say, if Nathan breaks his concentration, there will be additional consequences. There is only so much I can do for

you in this situation. Alright, I think it will be quicker if I enlarge me. How big does he get if you enlarge him? He goes from medium to large. Oh. But again,

twice as tall. And is he stronger? Um, until spell ends, a target also has advantage on strength checks and strength saving throws. The target's weapons also grow to match its new size. While these weapons are enlarged, they have an extra D4. That's about it. Uh, the target size doubles in all dimensions and its weight is multiplied by 8.

So I guess the big thing is as a large creature, what else can he do? And would that help me get across the water faster? And is it also going to enlarge the hammer? Well, if you put the hammer down, it won't. Correct. Right.

But it's not big enough that he could, like, wade across. Yeah, I don't think that's what I was saying. I get really big and just take a couple steps across. You could wade across. It'll be easier to carry, so you'll move faster with it, but I do think you would need probably at least

one more spell cast on you to, in ten minutes, slosh across. Anyone have fast sloshing? And you think your head's probably going to go underwater, too. Even large. So wait, so...

So it'd have to be underwater for ten minutes. Or however long it takes to cross. Yeah, it doesn't... I was going to give you the boots of speed, but I think I had to attune to them. Yeah. This is why I think we should reduce the hammer

and throw it as far as we can. Then maybe grab it on the way by. I like that. Reduce the hammer, throw it as far as we can. Then maybe grab it on the way by. I like that. Okay. Reduce the hammer. Throw it as far as you can and then it's going to get big again. Oh no, but not with Bahamut's help.

Oh right. It'll last for 10 minutes. Yes, okay. You're right. It'll be small for 10 minutes. So we do an olympic hammer throw or whatever and get it as far as we can and pick it up on our way just to be clear i can't do detect magic because i'll be concentrating on and all i have is detect magic as a ritual which takes time so to find it means somebody else has to be able to find it at the bottom. Can we tie a rope to it when we throw it? You feel like a 40 pound hammer, as strong as you are,

you're going to be able to throw it about two to 5% of the way across. So it's not really going to make a big difference. Do we cross and then drag it with a rope across? This is so boring um i mean not for me i'm just saying like i just feel like this this is the kind of trying to figure out okay well now that we've triggered the listeners into wondering is this boring should i leave dan a comment on okay yeah it's my fault sure i should tweet it dan and let him know this happened because he probably forgot what he tweeted uh everybody roll a perception check everyone roll a perception tweet at Dan and let him know this happened because he probably forgot. What would he tweet at Dan? Everybody roll a perception check.

Everyone roll a perception check. Alright. I mean, it's not your fault we're dumb. I need to tell Dan what I would do if this were my podcast. He just needs to know. Alright, eight. Eighteen. Heavy lies ahead, Dan. I do an eight. Eighteen. Heavy lies ahead, Dan.

I do have a large head. That's not what that means. How dare you? Can anyone beat an eighteen? You don't have a large head. I'm six five. It just comes with it. Yeah.

All right. Eighteen's high. So, yeah, Nathan, you know, you think you hear crunching in the jungle to the north, just over the hill. Like maybe a group is moving your way.

Could we try to bring a boat? Okay, if it's reduced, and you can do it for 10 minutes, can she drag it then across um she can breathe underwater

so she can take her time she kind of like does a little flex um well it i i can swim very fast and very well uh it's still a pretty far distance. 10 minutes?

Do you have anything that could speed me up? I think it will be a close call. I'll put it that way. Hey, I have... I have boots of speed, but... Hey, I have long strider. Can I cast that on somebody else? Oh, no.

Let me see if I can cast that on somebody else. I don't believe that is a spell that you can do. I'll check, but I'm pretty... Let me talk to Bahamut in a couple of minutes. Put him on the phone. What about the bag of... the hat of holding? It was too small to hold the hammer, but if we

shrink the hammer and put it in the bag and it's there for 10 minutes, then it's weightless for that period of time, right? Hey, uh... ten minutes, then it's weightless for that period of time, right? Hey, uh... Ten minutes, yeah. You touch a creature, the target speed increases ten feet until the spell ends.

You can't do it on someone else. Yeah, and I can target an additional creature for each slot that I cast it above first. But I think we only need it for the one, right? Or can I... So what if we combine all of these great ideas? Or just get a boat.

We... We reduce it. We put it in the hat. We give it to her. You touch her. She books it. And then we, behind her... That sounds crazy enough to work. Swim as fast as we can, right? Yeah. I think so.

I don't know. Or run up the shore to try and we can split the trail yeah remind me again why you're putting the hammer in a hat because then it's completely weightless and she doesn't have to drag a 40 pound anything right that sounds good yeah all right so we're doing it i know that if it'll bust out the hat when it enlarges again was the reason we didn't do it before unless we did it in time well maybe just alert her to the fact that the

hammer has a hard out yeah she'll get as far as she can in ten minutes and if you get to the shore hide quickly find a place right near the shore to hide i can see there's trees hopefully and and i'll pull the hammer out of the hat as soon as possible because even if it's too heavy for me to carry i don't want to explode your hat sure let's just get this over with before a giant turtle sees a delicious giant fish all right so

uh long strider uh lasts an hour that'll be great you cast long strider on princess cospia increasing her movement speed per round by 10 feet which is gonna end up being a lot you cast reduce nathan feeling a religious fervor course through your hands uh and you concentrate able to keep this hammer down to a much smaller size put this cospia lifts it up with the cloak plops it in the hat of holding uh gives you all you all a salute. And then yes, uh, Nathan, uh,

kind of like a, a well to do like, Hmm. And jumps in the water. Uh, just as she does. So you guys here, very loud,

a rumbling in the trees to the North. Everybody, please roll for initiative do not call your number out for I am rolling initiative for let's just say more than one NPC I've been

doing too many like corny voices this episode I'm getting really tired of it how dare you make it really it's too much all right so first one I'm getting really tired of it. How dare you? It's making me realize it's too much. Alright, so first one I'm going to get. Ooh, that's an interesting number. I'm going to put that down. I'm going to do this one now.

Alright. Oh, writing this down. Fun, fun. And almost done. Hey, everybody. I like to try to be kind of organized when I have this much going on

so who has initiative 15 or higher me Jeff what you got I have a 20 plus 4 24 amazing I have a what you got 22 sweet I got a 17 oh great you guys uh quite a lot going on there um and that'll bring us to 2d what you got

uh sweet that's terrible i'm so sorry danny what'd you get so what i knew my friend it's the initiative we're rolling initiative you're about to fight ok cool cool wall oh nice uh

20 total oh shit alright well uh that sounds good to me. I'm just going to be doing a little bit of copying and pasting for the turn order while I ramp this jazz up. You all are just sort of turning away from Princess Caspia

diving into the river as you look north and see coming out of the jungle it's going to be nine galaxians there is a retinue like a like a line of warriors in the front and it looks like three spell casters. Behind them. A couple of the warriors.

Have bows and arrows cocked. And. They're very weird bows and arrows. They almost look like crossbows. But they're very wide. And they kind of do this grand gesture. To pull it back with their hand. We're going to go ahead. And head on over to roll 20 if you guys are able so

I'm going to drop the link in the chat should you need it I'm sure you all have different ways of hopping on the internet for nerd poker maybe you don't have this link handy oh yeah here I am for nerd poker and maybe you don't have this link handy. Oh yeah.

Here I am hopping on the thing. Brian, how do you like to get on roll 20? How do you like to get on roll 20? Do you like use the internet or do you write it a letter? Talking about Dan, Dan was just saying there are different ways to get on Roll20. I didn't know that. I thought there was really only one.

I did too. That's why I was excited to find out the different ways. I just mean we use the same link every week. I don't know if it's saved in your URL history, if you've got it. I'm still there. I've been there since last week. It's been sitting there waiting. I'll open it. Cool. I've linked it. I'm still there. I've been there since last week. It's been sitting there waiting. I'll open it.

Cool. I've linked it in the Zoom chat to make it extra easy. Oh, God. That's really easy. Oh, boy. There we go. And we're just looking at the continent here on the map. Right. That's what I see.

I was waiting for some of you guys to log in, so I'm going to move this over to the combat map. Oh. Hey. A sighting. Hey. Maybe I got you now. So. I've got, you'll see.

A lot of police activity outside. Sorry, you guys. Sting's having tantric sex for the next four.. Ew gross. Oh wow and he gets a police escort? Yeah He gets a police accompaniment. Nice People make fun of Sting for the tantric sex

thing but I'd like to see you fuck your nanny for six hours How dare you. There's no way you've done that joke before I think it's the first time I've done it out loud Oh congratulations Happy birthday done that joke before i think it's the first time i've done it out loud oh congratulations happy i've read it uh happy birthday sting joke about fucking um can't go wrong with a sting tantric sex joke no it's impossible to go wrong there's there's too much build-up so uh you guys will notice you're on the beach, and here we go.

To the north, here comes the Galaxian Army. It does appear to be... I don't see the beach. Do I have to sign out and sign back in, maybe? Maybe. I think I moved the map over. Does anyone see it?

Yeah, I do. Ken, I don't think you're logged in no i don't have my jump out can i think maybe there's a drawback to leaving the window open for several weeks at a time maybe now i know maybe you need to just hop back on over now i know it's coming I'm coming out to the beach. We did it. Oh, there's a bunch of things attacking us. Hey, Dan, can I ask a retro favor? Yes. When I laid Longstrider on the princess, can I say that I laid Longstrider on myself as well?

Because I knew that there was some shit about the girl. Do you have that many? It's got a spell slot going on do you have that many of them yeah i think so it says that he can do it for one and then one other person right i thought that's what he read oh yeah if you do it at a higher level yeah what level can you do long strider at jelf let's see if i can uh i've got first level uh right now how many slots is that

i have i'm bad with uh right now it first of all let me yeah let me jump back i don't think that you do spell slots i don't have spell slots for jelf i think yeah i get

i have that you can only do I don't have spell slots for Jelf. I think... Yeah, I get... I have that you can only do first level Longstrider. Okay, I'll just say that I laid it on her. It's no big deal. Okay. So that's going to take us to the turn order as you guys all see these ding-dongs heading

over the hill. And yes, Jelf, you are up first. That is what you see up ahead to the north as Princess Caspia dives into the waves. What would you like to do? Oh, we're playing with the ruler. Blaine is currently seeing

how far away these folks are. What have you learned, Blaine is currently seeing how far away these folks are. What have you learned, Blaine? Oh, my son was just saying that if I had arrows that turned bad guys into fighters for me, that that would be really good. It's a cool idea. It is a cool idea. You should do what

I did when I tried to make up G.I. Joe action figures and write a letter to the manufacturer. And what did they do they uh get rid of the kung fu grip and got into more of a pie gal grip no they sent a letter back and said you are not an employee please do not send unsolicited pitch ideas really yes oh wow it amused i sent a yeah i sent a letter to Hot Wheels God what a bunch of assholes it was not one of those fun stories where they're like kid you got the goods I sent them full color drawings of all the different

vipers I made up like the volcano viper and the moon viper and they were like uh these are unsolicited and you're not old enough they were really shitty about the whole thing oh my god yeah so they knew they were dealing with a kid oh yeah i said i said like yeah hi my name is dan telfer i'm eight years old and they were not into it at all

um yeah i've tweeted at them since and they did not give a shit so we're gonna go we're gonna fire arrows that turn bad guys into friends cool they hit you win dungeons and dragons oh that's the best they're 75 feet away they're coming out of the jungle there's a hill

they're coming your way they're not there for long I would like to I have a pretty crazy initiative right can I go first we're waiting for you. If only you were. I would like to, and I'm not sure which one of these guys is me down here.

Sorry. I finally replaced the generic image of Jelf with that one. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Is it this one? That's the fan art of Jelf. Oh, right on. I love it. I'm going to fire two arrows at the closest

guy whatever oh I'm going to see if I can get one of the bowmen the guys that are warming up the weird things back there let's see if I can shoot at one of those guys the bowmen are actually these guys on the ends those three back there are spellcasters

and I feel like the... Sorry, I'm trying to zoom in on this. Sure. All right, yeah, I'm just going to send one off to this guy over here. Okay, you are right now putting your own token, so it looks like you are running right into his face. I know, I'm just trying to figure out how to ping. Great, roll to attack, sir.

16 plus a 20, I guess. Yeah. That's a 20, I guess? Yeah. That's a hit. Roll your damage. 20 with a longbow. It's 1d8. Nice.

It's a 7 plus 4. So that's a... What? Is that 11? That's 12 what that's is that 11 that's 12 it's 11 seven plus four cool and can i do another shot i get two shots sure can can i shoot it at the other guy the guy on the right to instead of the left shoot him uh that's a 16 is that a hit um no that is not a hit okay

I'm gonna say shite and keep moving towards this tree okay Iva you're up um you see Jelf sort of went off to the right by some trees after firing bows so i'm gonna which direction is that can you ping which direction the turtle is just big picture yeah way way kind of up here the behind the hill it's it's you know a few minutes jog

so the right or to the left right on this map. Basically on this map. Okay. So I'm going to go ahead and I'm going to cast and use my action to cast. Oh, shoot. Jelf just went there. Okay. I'm going to use. Don't let that stop you from doing something cool. I'm going to do what I'm going to do, but I'm going to cast. I'm going to cast minor illusion and I'm going to make a,

make the hammer appear over here, I guess. Away from us. Okay. Um, right there. And they have to investigate, right? To... They would have to investigate to not be fooled by it, yeah. Okay. And then I'm gonna use my bonus action to hide.

So I'll hide behind the tree there. Cool. Sounds good. And then I'll get ready to kill some lovehuggers. Excellent. All right. And you're using your action.

So, Danny, you're you're uh using your action so danny you're up danny oh yeah you're up buddy all right we're uh have they have they moved yet the bad guys so it's our first move first round um i'm too far away because that danny doesn't really have a range uh thing that i like but i will say you just had your movement speed increased you can now go 40 feet per turn okay so if you want to look at the little ruler, you can go as far as you can go. You run past Jelf and get,

get under this behind this tree if you want and get most of the way there also, if you want. And if you look over to the sort of the left where I'm pinging, I move there. You can, if you want. Yeah.

But also over here, just so you know, I've,va did just have an illusion of the hammer up here in the sand. Okay. Oh, so what did we wind up doing with that? The hammer was shrunk, put into a hat,

a fast spell was cast on Princess Caspia, and she is swimming away. Oh, cool. Brian, it's your classic where's the hammer ploy. Yes. Alright. Yeah, I don't really have an action here.

Cool. You're not going to, like, throw a throwing star at him, perhaps? Eh, it's not really Jackie's thing. I I mean Danny's thing oh Jackie we all know what that was a reference to and up next it's going to be Nathan

oh wonderful Nathan will sort of pull out his carrot and give it a big swoosh and go alakazam and he casts fireball oh fuck out um and he's targeting it it's got a 20 foot radius so he's basically aiming it right here on the what he's assuming is the lead spellcaster, but all of them are within the 20-foot radius. Jesus Christ.

Okay. So... What level are you casting Fireball at? I can only cast it at the third level. It's the highest level that I have. So they have to make a... Oh, then forget it. They have to make a DC 14 deck save.

Alright. So let's see. That's gonna mean this first one deck save to get a plus 18 for the soldiers. That's a save? For the soldiers. That's a save.

20 for the two shamans save and oh shit the the single caster in the middle back uh rolled a four that's a fail all right um Why don't you please roll some damage? Okay. As a fireball collides with all of these guys. So it's an eight. It's 86. So I have two D six. The first one is seven. I will roll this three more times and 10. So 17 total plus another seven.

So 24 and another plus five. So 29. So whoever did not save takes 29 and everybody takes half of that. So what is that? 14. All right. That sure is. You see the fireball, everyone. you just see it explode into the group uh you hear some

squealing noises that could be screaming uh could also just be the sound of a fish person having all of the water sucked out of their body as flame collides with their faces and we'll have to find out who's still standing on the next episode of nerd poker yeah yeah yeah hey sam what do you think happened on this episode i'd be happy to tell you our episode 48 we're getting new powers and objects we're like murderous thief caterpillars becoming butterflies that know how to hold weapons we're figuring out what to do with this thick ass hammer we're considering making it small and throwing it or letting an octopus drag it around the rough plan is to put the hammer in a hat then give it to an octopus we're actually playing the game now in the way that i recap it

trying to be goofy wonderful hey uh you got any dates coming up dan i sure might uh yeah everything's back up in the air again it's sure weird um if the center holds i will be opening for comedian brian posain at flappers comedy club this thursday when this drops

and that'll be a delight uh i'm i'm excited uh and it'll be a good time and i'll be a delight uh i'm i'm excited uh and it'll be a good time and i'll be maybe in chicago and on tour going down to florida in october keep an eye out for those dates i i do think my florida shows are all sort sold out but uh keep an eye out uh in general and that's gainesville florida i'm doing the fest, uh, comedy and music festival. And yeah, go watch the dragon Prince on Netflix.

So when my book comes out, the tales of Zadia, you'll be ready for it. That's it for me. Uh, dates on Brian, same.com merchant, Brian,

but same.com, uh, pick up that, uh, that anthrax book. If you haven't yet, uh, that that's it can i plug something real quick before we get to the best one uh i'm in a movie called overrun it's releasing on august 17th it's like a cop action thriller where uh a good guy gets chased by all different kinds of weirdo

assassins so if you like uh super stunty violence, come check that out. I play one of the dumb cops who's trying to stop the good guy. That's amazing. Is this streaming or is this theaters only? Yeah, it's all like streaming, platformy, Blu-ray, all that stuff. August 17th. That's so cool, Chris. Thanks.

Who's the lead? Who are the leads? Johnny Messner, Omid Zayed. Bruce Dern is in it. Whoa. That's cool. It's called Overrun? It's called Overrun. Sweet. Right on.

Thanks. Blaine. Oh, I'm helping Stacey Keach do a bunch of cameos for the portuguese uh board of health they love him over there so they're doing a centennial thing they can't get enough he's always over there doing stuff they love his music uh

but also uh i got a real one too um i'm in a a movie coming out it's called underrun it's a parody of a movie called overrun where i play a smart cop uh it's coming out on a l Run. It's a parody of a movie called Over Run where I play a smart cop. It's coming out on a Lou Who, which is a parody of Hulu for this joke.

Yay! Don't thank him. Don't thank him. See you next week. Thanks for listening to another episode of Nerd Poker. You can follow us at patreon.com slash nerdpoker, and you get bonus episodes from there.

And you can also send us anything at P.O. Box 16069, Encino, California, 91416. Thanks for listening. I'm not I'm not