Nerd Poker - S4E49 Battle of the Battered Fish

Episode Date: August 16, 2021

Up against a major waterway, the Castaway Cuties are forced to reckon with an entire army of Gillaxian fish bastards, more heavily armored and evil than any encounter with them yet. And since there's a few hundred of them a mile or so away, hopefully this won't take very long...

Hey everybody, I'm Brian Pouss. Comedian, writer, actor, nerd. I've been playing D&D with my friends for a long time. I decided to do a new podcast where we play Dungeons & Dragons in my very own dining room. With my wife, kid, and my noisy dogs. So meet my friends... Sarah Kev Dan

Clay Chris Now it's time for another episode of Brian Poussaint's Nerd Poker. Season 4. Hey, everybody. I'm Brian Poussaint. And you're not. You're listening to Brian Poussaint's Nerd Poker.

Episode 4 and also 9. 49. let's get into it man my friends are here look at them they're delightful yeah chris hey man let's get into it let's tear this shit up we're about to change some things dance here too man what's Oh, you know what? I'm ready to throw down. Let's mix it up a little. See what happens. Oh, there's Ken. Hey, buddy. I'm fixing to fuck up some D's and D's.

If only Blaine was here. Oh, there he is. Hey, Blaine. Hi, Hall for Mystic Pat. Hi, Brian. Hey, pal. If only Sarah would come and save the goddamn show as usual. There she is.

Bro, bro, bro, bro, I'm here. Bros, bros, we're doing this. We're doing this tonight. Bros, bros, get ready. This is going to be a good one. I can feel it. If only we had an engineer who knew what was up, you know, and had a dog that never left his side.

Oh, there he is. Oh, shit. Good news, sweet children. Hey, Sam. Hey, there he is. Oh, shit. Good news, sweet children. Hey, Sam. Hey, Robin! Yay. Robin got beat up by another dog, and I almost had to kill a dog owner. I almost had to.

Yeah. Oh, wow. Yeah, we almost. It was almost nerd poker assemble to go fucking. I will John Wick over anybody's dog. Like, really? You still can if you want. I'd really love to see you ride a horse through town shooting.

With a tie on. That's going to be so good. I've never laughed so hard in my life is when that horse started killing people. And John Wick 3, that was, oh my God. You laughing at ultraviolence is one of my favorite things pre-COVID. When the what started killing people? A horse.

Really thought you said whore and it seemed so out of character. No, no, no. I was like really surprised. Dan, wow, that's just for Dan. There's a scene in a stable. There's a scene in a whore There's a scene in a horse stable. That makes more sense.

A horse stable? Oh. No, a horse. And these horses, he uses them to just annihilate these guys. He lines these guys up and they just get kicked. I gotta see these movies, man. They get kicked to death. Have you seen none?

I've seen none of them. Wow, yeah, get on that. It's good. Yeah. They get kicked to death. Have you seen none? I've seen none of them. Get on that. It's good. They're enjoyable shit. You should see Pretty Woman. I just watched the making of that thing. Pretty Woman? Yeah well Netflix has this you know the making of all these

your favorite movies. I barely know that movie but I will still I will still watch a making of about a movie I've never even seen it doesn't even matter because I love documentaries it's Corraldo let's see the making of

I saw that yeah well there's a whole movie about it I know yeah what's that thing called that's fucking crazy my best friend oh was a whole movie about it. I know. Yeah, what's that thing called? That's fucking crazy. My Best Fiend? Oh.

I forget what it's called. I think My Best Fiend is about their relationship. About Herzog and the actor. And they filmed... It's about them during that shoot. There's a lot of shots of Herzog just saying amazing stuff about nature and dreams highly wow thank you i just watched slap me i'm a stinker about the making of slappy and the

stinkers and it was insane what they went through and that in the in the the jungle and the desert it was ridiculous sorry i didn't mean to sidetrack you guys. Just watch it if you can. Slap Me, I'm a Stinker. Is any of it real? What we were saying was, but not what Dwayne was saying. Yeah, I just was like, is that a real movie that he's... Slap Me, I'm a Stinker is real.

Is it? Yeah. Is this real life? Has its feet in a lot of pies, yes. I just watched Stank Me, I'm a Stonker. It's Elon Musk's new movie about how to invest in GameStop. It's pretty exciting.

Wait, Sloppy and the Stinkers is a real movie, guys. I know, so Stank Me, I'm a Stonker. There's no way of knowing. It stars B.D. Wong. I mean, yes, there is a way of knowing, but I just had to Google it. I thought you were tricking me, but then I saw it stars B.D. Wong,

a real actor. Oh, wow. And Jennifer Coolidge, Bronson Pinchot. Okay, it is a real movie, I see. Nice. Some of you didn't know either. I have no idea. I really thought it was a make-a-mole. I thought you guys would know.

Does Jennifer Coolidge talk slow in it? Yeah, how fake drunk or real drunk is Jennifer Coolidge in this movie? At any point in time. Well, you know, speaking of drunk, I like to get hammered before I thank our Patreon listeners. That's not true, but it was a fun segue.

I want to thank everybody who thank you so much if you donate to this show. It is keeping us sane. It is keeping these episodes from happening. It's a delight. And I want to especially thank... Oh my god, I'm so tired of you shanking people i get to bail you out of jail just last week and you know why it's because we didn't have

enough patreon supporters you guys we gotta keep ken off the streets um but yes i want to thank some patreon supporters who go by names like Dave. Thanks, Dave. You're not here, man, but thank you. Thank you. All Darkster wanted was a Pepsi. Thank you, Zombeddy. Thank you, Dick Hoogan. Thank you, Sweet Heat Skeetles. How I miss it.

Thank you, Blair Campbell. Thank you. Thanks, Tyler. Carter, thanks. Alex, just Alex. Thank you. Blair Campbell. Thank you. Thanks. Blair. Carter. Thanks. Alex. Just Alex. Alex. Thank you. Excellent. Thank you. Tom Doretto's family. Sedan.

Thank you. My noodle horn went tinkle foot on your bling bottom. Thank you. Lucifer's lusty lard ass. Thanks, Larry Beednell. Thank you, Meow Meow Beans Danny 5.

Thank you, Sam the Engineer took his weights out on a Zumba. Episode 26. If you don't know what we're talking about. Definitely go and search the Instagram feed and enjoy thank you Sparky the unicorn of woe who I believe

Brian just met in person standing up comedy show thank you for the $20 also thank you rise of the octo bunnies thank you roll for diabetes or asunnies. Thank you Roll for Diabetes or as Wilford Brimley says, Diabetes.

Thank you Jason Brobard's Jockloot. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you and the Nathan Cries Mary. Thank you Bob Zeus of Bob Zeus's Discount Hammers and

Hammer Accessories. Thanks Soup to Butts. thank you Bob Zeus of Bob Zeus's discount hammers and hammer accessories thank you soup to butts thank you Gabriel Jimenez thank you moist bison thank you Jason yarn thank you

thank you butter chunk shimble wimble bork mopple fritz which is definitely a resident of Donkey Land. And finally, thank you, Wallace Sean's Hot Dog and Grilled Sandwich Shack. Blaine, who are those Patreon

supporters brought to us by, if you don't mind my asking? Oh, you're muted. Oh, sorry. I don't mind you asking at all, Dave. I'm sorry I was muted because those Patreon supporters brought to us by Ad Classic. Feetstool! Ba-ba-ba!

Footstools only accommodate one foot. Feetstool lets you get both feet up Two feet on it Two feet up Feetstool Why should one foot have all the fun Feetstool

Ba ba ba Dan I'm more of an ability score kind of guy myself Oh Dan You and your homonyms It's a little humor I'm more of an ability score kind of guy myself. Oh, Dan. You and your homonyms. It's a little humor. Speaking of humor, what do you say, you guys?

We talk about what happened. I'm doing it. Last time on Nerd Poker, the cast awake. Everyone loves that I put a glowing baby face up. It's really getting a great reception here. The Castaway Cuties are locked in combat with Galaxians. We bring you to the battle already in progress. So, yeah, you guys are fighting a few warriors,

two shamans, and a wizard. And when I say a few, it's actually kind of a painful amount of them. It is 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7. Seven warriors. So we've got ten Galaxians. And you feel like there's over a hundred nearby. So this feels a little dicey. The smoke is starting to clear.

The group of them have just been smashed by a level two fireball that Nathan cast. And as it parts, you notice they're all still standing, unfortunately, but they all did take a significant amount of damage, particularly, you think, the wizard in the back center. I just want to point out, at the end of my turn, after I launched that fireball at them i cut to the right i use my movement to move 35 feet i'm trying to get some cover behind there's a big palm tree that me danny and jelf seems to all kind of be heading for

cool cool uh right now 2d is sort of left alone on the beach while everyone else ducking. They'll be fine. He's a tank wide open. What's the worst that could happen? All right. Well, then now that you're done, Nathan, we're going to see some action from the bad guys. Finally, they're going to go in a row before to do so. Because to do you did roll pretty low.

I'm sad to say. First, a couple of arrows are going to get launched at Jelf. So, this is going to be sort of a clunk, clunk, clunk, clunk as the two bow guys drop a couple and reload and

that's a miss what's your AC gel? 15 great that is another miss and a miss 3 misses all aiming for gel 4 misses that is another miss and three misses all aiming for jump

four misses four arrows go sailing past you four misses for jump thank you whoever's drawing a hammer on the map doesn't look like a dick at all definitely doesn't in the slightest.

What's being drawn on the map? It looks like one of them playgrounds. Doesn't really look like a hammer. No, it looks like Thor's hammer. Kind of. And it's like teen tight out orders. Yeah, it looks like a ghost on a pedestal. So, yeah, those guys fire and um you did

I didn't do it no one's fucking with Sarah I don't think Sarah drew a hammer look at her face look at her face I'm barely so then yeah those guys

fire arrows two of them sort of put So then, yeah, those guys, fire arrows, two of them sort of put, or I'm sorry, three of them kind of put their shields up. There's just massive. Oh my God, you guys. Jesus Christ. If you're listening at home, somebody drew a wiener on the map

and it's crazy. These guys are crazy to play. It's a really big wiener. Get from messing up my hammer. All right, I'm sorry. I'm sorry. It was super interesting. I'm a thing. Oh my god.

It's actually very square. That was a little unsettling. I'm sorry. Brian's writing docking. Alright. What was I doing? I don't know. Jesus Christ. this map is a mess so three of the warriors

screenshot this somebody screenshot this I got it stupid how old are we? Twelve altogether. I'm disturbed by the pubes all the way up the shaft. Yeah, that's not good. Yeah, it's a little...

It's not? That's not normal? The green ones, or... Well, you didn't do any of them, to be honest. That wasn't me. I didn't do that. I didn't. Mine was hairless. How do I erase it? Yeah, sorry, Dan.

You don't. It's gone straight to the Library of Congress. Jesus Christ. Let me see. I'm tired. Time. Yeah, well... Guess who else is? I think I can slowly do some of this.

Nope. Weird. I, uh... I can only erase the hair and some of the word Dokken. It's not due to glitch. I don't think that's it. I really think it's a glitch because I selected what is still there. Well, at least you're not going to be able to get

past that wiener and attack us. Yeah. Okay, I got it. I got it. I took it off. I took it off. Cool. There will always be a time D.O. to remind us. No. Okay. There will always be a time D.O. to remind us. No.

Okay. So, we... Thanks for listening, everybody. It really means a lot that you're here with us. All these visuals. Somebody keeps drawing, and it's... Imagine we're just playing at a table and

somebody I've got all my dwarven forged like pieces out and it's this elaborate scene and all these 3D figurines around and somebody's got a sharpie out and they're just drawing cocks and band names all over the expensive dwarven forged stuff so

I three of the the expensive drop for stuff. Cops and band names. So, uh, I... Ugh. Three of the seven warriors drop their shields and sort of take a defensive stance in front of the casters. Two of them, however, are going to rush Danny,

who is the closest. So, the first guy is going to take a couple of hacks at you, Danny. What is your AC, sir? 16. Great. This guy misses both of his swings. Great.

And then this guy is going to run in and give it a shot. People are now trying to drop seeing things on the monsters, and it's not working because I then moved the token out of the way. This one's a hit and a miss. So he's going to roll his damage. What's his damage? I'll tell you what's his damage.

You take 16 points of slashing damage as this guy actually gets a pretty big swipe. These guys are heavily armed. They're much more heavily armed than the group that came with the shaman on the beach lo those many episodes ago up at Mega Lake Pangadon. It looks like they sent out the big guns

and by big guns I of course mean the giant thing that was just on the beach. And that is going to do it for there. Are you referring to the huge wang that Sarah drew across the beach? Yeah. You started it with ruining my hammer. I don't know what you're talking about.

I have no access to the map because I'm a good person. It doesn't track. It's still true. It's still true. Jesus. I have no access to the map because I'm a good person. So does it still true? It's not true. She's. You know, save me, please. OK. And then I'm going to have something happen that you guys can't see in the turn order. Like secret.

Well, they're secret. Secrets are no fun. And then we're gonna have these guys in the back start having some fun. One of them casts, it looks like some sort of spell that causes the three warriors in front of them to glow for a moment. Ooh. Um, and another one is going to, uh,

try something fun and gliding. I am going to need, no, it's not, I'm afraid it's not that it's not bungee jumping. It's not a water slide. It's nothing you'd expect to experience at Wisconsin Dells, which is what it appears we're at right now.

This beautiful beach. No. I'm going to need Danny and Jelf to roll a dexterity saving throw. You got this, guys. 17 plus 4, 21. Wonderful.

What you got for me, Danny? You got pretty good dex. What you got? What you got? All right. So, Jelf, you're going to have this damage. What you got? What you got? All right. So, Jelf, you're going to have this damage. And Danny, you're going to take the full brunt, unfortunately.

You all see arcing from the back this enormous, I don't know how else to put it but like you see these like shards of crystallized ice appear in the air above the three casters and then all of a sudden it does this arc and it just kind of like goes like up and then

really fast smashes down on everybody um and that's gonna be a familiar number uh 26 points of piercing damage wow uh halved for jelf that's 13. oh my god we're all gonna die 26 for danny uh how many hit points you got left, Danny? That's it. I'm tapped out, guys. You're down? Yeah, I'm negative one.

All right. So you're not dead. You're going to be doing on your approaching turns death saving throw. 26? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, okay. 26 and 16, that's

42 points, right? I only had 41 hit points. Okay. And yeah, the tree that Danny was next to just sort of like cracks and the top half of it falls

over. Does not hit Danny, but you're gonna to obviously see Danny sort of drop to a knee and then collapse. And the trees laying across the beach like a big some sort of you describe with the tree line across the beach. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Like like part of it's kind of like like bigger and more. There's like two coconuts at the bottom and then.

Yeah. And then and then like coming out of the coconut area there's like this trunk Oh, I see what you did there Ah Jump in the line too, won't you Let's see, we're gonna

now have one more spell happen We're not quite done. Nathan, I'm going to need you to make a wisdom saving throw. Wisdom saving throw. Okay. Seven total.

All right. You, uh, you see one of the casters flick an arm up and your spine goes completely straight at the same time as his gesture. And it feels like there is ice going through your veins. You are now paralyzed. Oh, wow. Interesting. Okay. Yeah.

Uh, at the end of your turn, you can make another wisdom saving throw. That'll do it for them. Tootie, you're up. Okay. So Danny's the only one who's down right now? Danny's the only one down, yeah. And Nathan's paralyzed. Okay.

Let's see. I was going to cast aid and I wonder if that would help Danny who's down as well. Aid bolsters your allies with toughness and resolve adds five hit points to three of the people I choose.

Yeah, that should work. You have to get within 30 feet to move. Great. Are you going to go up towards those giant letters that spell fart that someone just wrote across the beach? All right. Well, I'm going to try to get in range of these three guys, Danny, Jelf, and Nathan.

I'm going to cast Aid. Yes, you are definitely within 30 of Jelf and Danny. And yeah, yeah, Nathan. So they each get an extra five hit points. Cool. Ooh. We'll make a note of it. Danny, you're prone. You're lying on your back. Danny and yeah, yeah, they each get an extra five hit months We'll make a note of it Danny you're you're prone you're lying on your back, but you do sort of Wake up and you have five friends friends

And then can I dodge out of here or do you have any movement? You just moved 10 feet. How many more feet of movement do you have? 30. Okay. Total, let's see. 25 feet. So another 15 feet. So I will go

where they there about. Does somebody have Boots of Speed? Wait. That's Sarah. But she keeps them all to herself. You have to attune to them. I'm happy to share them. I don't know. I think we had to attune. I could be

wrong, but I thought that was the deal. I think you did, yeah. Uh, alright. And now we've got cospia who's gonna swim farther out and then jelf jelf you're up oh uh uh hey which of the which of those magic users looks like the one that i need to shoot in the head the most. So there's sort of three of them and there's one in the middle that looks a little different and they're the one who casts a giant ice ball

that smashed Danny nearly to death. I'm going to shoot him in the head with an exploding arrow. All right. With a 23. That's's a hit so your damage seven plus the 14 for one and then I'm going to shoot him again how many points of damage did you just do uh

it was uh oh jesus it was 14 I think you did say 14 okay how would you like to see that wizard oh I'd love it I you like to see that wizard? Oh, I'd love it. I'd like to see him go,

hey guys, did you ever see the movie Scanners? And then they'll look at him and go, no. And then he'll go, check it out. And then his head will explode. And then the other two guys will start discussing how much better practical effects are than CGI. Yeah. All right. much better practical effects are than cgi yeah all right well he you know sort of makes a very pointed statement and uh collapses dead so that's a great that's a great reference honestly i'm

impressed that he he knew that much about pop culture and was suddenly able to speak common after uh seemingly very i'm just glad he's dead. Yeah, I fired the second arrow into the sand near my feet. Where do you actually fire the second arrow? I rolled a two. Oh, yeah, you sure did. Great

description. Next, I'm sorry, do you want to run anywhere? Oh, yeah, I'm going to try to get behind. I'm going to keep moving over here. I'm sorry do you want to run anywhere oh yeah i'm gonna try to get behind you see i'm gonna keep moving over here i'm sorry i'm now just drawing on stuff i noticed some of you are putting a lot of your focus on drawing nonsense images on i'm getting over here race line yeah i feel like it's the most focused we've been in an episode in a long time. Oh, I just learned how to erase stuff. Yeah, click it. If you click

it with the arrow and then you can delete it. It'll select it, but only the stuff you drew yourself. Okay, cool. There we go. Apparently I didn't draw the fart. So, there you go. Okay, I'm over behind the tree and I shot an exploding arrow at the guy. Cool.

Uh, roll your, uh, yeah, you're done. Um, but you'd be ran over by the, the,

the tree that's mostly fallen, but there's still like half a trunk left that you can sort of hide behind. That'll bring us to Iva. You're up. Okay. So that middle guy is gone, but there's still one, two,

three, four, five, six, seven, eight. There's still one two three four five six seven eight there's still nine people here yes okay so what i'm gonna do is i'm gonna use the um the cutlass that has prismatic spray because it it's a 60 foot cone and everybody inside that cone is going to be affected okay or it's it's going to have to roll.

So, I mean, I'm just reading the spell for Prismatic Spray. Tell me if that's wrong, Dan, because that's what I remember is that it has three charges. Yes, X-Dirty saving throw. That the Cutlass, I mean, has three charges of Prismatic Spray. Mm-hmm. I don't know if Danny is actually still where he is in the map. If he is, unfortunately, I can't get to the guy next to him, but I'll include the guy here, if you can see.

So everyone in this, behind this zone. Does that make sense? Yes. Okay. So that is either eight or nine of them that I'm going to get. And according to the prismatic spray spell, eight multicolored rays of light flash from your hand i assume from the cutlass each ray is a different color and has a different power and purpose i can use this right because we

i attuned this was the point is that i attuned to this well here's what here's the trick it's a 60 foot cone yeah um i just measured it oh yeah i'm just trying to, I'm just trying to see if they're too far away. Oh, I see. From me. Yes. Is that what you mean? Oh, yeah, yeah. Well, I could just...

Because it's a 60-foot cone coming out from you, and you're pretty far away. I was thinking a width of a cone, but... I mean, I'm just... Yeah. There's like a standard cone shape that it uses once... Okay, well, I'm only... All I have to do is run up 20 feet,

and then I'll just use the cone on all the guys in the back, I guess. Okay. If that works. The cone on the guys in the formation? Yeah, if I can't get all of them, then I'll get... There's five of those guys. So if I can't get... I mean, I would love to get everybody,

but if i can only focus it on one then i'll just do those five six no seven one two three four five six seven guys uh you can potentially nail all of them i'm gonna try to do that then okay um okay so hopefully that we're not forgetting something about this thing. And if we are, sorry. I got it a long time ago. Okay, so then each creature in a 60-foot cone must make a dexterity saving throw. For each target, roll a d8 to determine what color ray affects it.

All right, we've got success for the two casters and one of the warriors and fails for everybody else. Okay, so I don't know if you do that or I do it, but... You do it. It's fun that way. Um, oh. Okay, but there is half as much damage on

successful saves, it says. So they're still hitting their... Alright. So you have to tell me who like you tell me who the person is I guess so okay so uh let's just do one at a time warrior on the far left

who's got a crossbow bow oh I should probably get her an actual die okay so I'm gonna roll a d8 each time so here we go um d8 that guy what does that mean to everyone oh oh weird um so that is a seven so he gets hit with a violet on a failed save the target is blinded it was this guy who saved or failed. He failed. So he blinded.

Revved up like a deuce. And then must make a wisdom saving throw at the start of my next turn. Successful save ends the blindness. If it fails that save, the creature is transported to another plane of existence of the GM's choosing and is no longer blinded. Wow.

Wow. That's a very specific form of blindness. Yeah. Let's go to the next warrior. Okay, next guy is... He gets hit with... Ooh, okay. Oh my goodness. Okay, he gets hit with special.

The target is struck by two rays. Roll two more times. Whoa! Holy smokes. I was saving this for something, you know, special, and then I was like, well, we have three chances to use it, so I don't want to not get to use it at all. So it's a three and a

seven. So seven we just did. That's another guy. That's the blinding. Violet. And then three is yellow. 10d6 lightning damage on a failed save or half as much damage on a successful one. Okay. That was a

successful or? That was a fail. Okay, so that guy's gonna take on top of the blinding, he's also going to take 34 points of damage. Jeez Louise. How would you like to see that one die?

I mean, I feel like he... I don't know. I'm too... He exploded from lightning, right? He went blind and then he was... Oh, okay. You know what? He goes blind and then he's like, I can't know. I'm too. He exploded from lightning, right? He went blind. And then he was. Oh, OK. You know what?

He goes blind. And then he's like, I can't see anything. And then the lightning strikes him. And for one brief second, he's like, oh, I can see again as the light permeates his eyelids. And then his whole body explodes into atoms and dust. Wow. This is going to be utter chaos. The rest of this episode is probably going to be you describing the

psychotic hallucinatory violence that's happening I like that that began with Sarah being like jeez I don't have any ideas oh wait I have it I have a sword that casts the movie Mandy so then

situation okay then we've got the caster in the back says everyone attack so it's like a John Wick situation okay um we've got the caster in the back says everyone attack will you please roll an eight-sided dice okay next one this is another three so that's okay so he takes half as much

damage on 10d6 wow it's it's what the hell is going on I love it 10d6. Wow. It's so hard. What the hell is going on? I love it. 10d6. Sarah, you should draw

dicks all over the map every episode. Okay, so that was 37 points, so he takes whatever that is. What the hell? Jesus Christ! How would you like to see this shaman die? I guess he is going to charge up with all the lightning and then he's going to lift his...

Is he holding a staff or anything? Yes. Then he's going to hold his staff in the air as he's being like lift his is he holding like a staff or anything yes okay he's gonna like then he's gonna like hold his staff in the air as he's being electrocuted and it's gonna like shoot a beam of light like Luxor in Las Vegas like straight up at the sky and then he's just gonna collapse into a pile of ashes all right and then we're gonna go for the guard in the front middle. Let's roll his eight. Okay.

He got five, which is 10 D six cold damage on a failed save or half as much. Yeah, it succeeded. So this is going to be halved. Please. Are you sure that I'm doing this right dan because it does seem insane but i go okay yes i knew this would happen eventually it's exciting to see when you chose to do it okay so 25 points halved how would you like to see this guy who succeeded uh die he die. He had 10 hit points left. He's gonna He's gonna, I guess, just

turn into solid ice and then his friend next to him is gonna turn to him to be like, are you okay? And he's just gonna accidentally brush his hand against him and the guy's just gonna shatter into like a million tiny ice cubes and fall to the ground. Alright, and let's have the next guy in the front row.

You failed. He's just watched his friend explode and he's just, he like looks at you in terror as a beam of light rushes towards his face. That guy got a three, which is lightning damage again. 10 ds.

Give him the Luxor. Here's the thing. This guy has more than 10 hit points. So there's a chance if you roll all ones that he'll live. What a story. 30. Oh, how would you like to see this guy die? Oh man.

Okay. I'm running out of ideas. Luxor, you got a classic! I can't read you something I already did. No, no. Okay, this guy is going to... He's going to light up from the inside and his eyeballs are going to start to glow

and his ears are going to start... Beams of light are going to come out of his ears and then his eyeballs are going to start to glow and like his ears are going to start like beams of light are going to come out of his ears and then his eyeballs are going to explode out of his eye sockets and then his body is going to burst into flames. Wow. Noted. Are we halfway

through? Alright. We are, we have two left. Let's roll for the caster in the back who succeeded his saving throw. Caster in the back? Okay. Oh, he got it. Okay, so let's see.

Hopefully we get something there. Okay. Okay, this is a new one. This is red. The target takes 10d6 fire damage on a failed save or half as much damage on a successful one. Ha ha! Oh boy, let's see what happens in his neck of the woods.

Okay. 38 points of damage, so half that. How would you like to see this one, Dex? Oh my god. Chris, I'm throwing that to you, because I can't keep killing people like this. Yeah, he starts dancing as fast as he can, and all of his clothes come off,

and everybody goes, oh, look at your boobies. Look at your wiener. Look at your asshole. And he's so embarrassed that he dies. Where was the fire? Firing his heart. On fire with embarrassment. Okay, I'll take it.

Oh, no. You're getting real hung up on this fire thing. I didn't know Billy was going to come and take it over, and I'm so glad he did. Oh, good. Last guard who failed and is off to the right there. Last one? Okay. Yes.

Here we go. Man, this die really is into the lightning damage. Oh, boy. My god in heaven. Well, he failed, so let's just see what kind of damage. I mean, he's a warrior, so he must have so many hit points. Okay, this one is... Oh, oops, I did the wrong one. Sorry, guys.

Come on, lobies. Come on, lobies. Low numbers, low numbers. 34 points of damage. How would you like to see this guy die? I don't know. Ken's calling this one. From calling on years of horror movie experience, Ken Daly is going to bring calling on years of horror movie experience.

Ken Daly is going to bring us, bring us home here with the final death. What's the source of this death? What kind of lightning once again, okay. Lightning is going to hit his eyes, which pushes them back into his head, out his nostrils into his mouth.

And he chokes on his own eyeballs. All right. So the entire bunch of these guys just is being utterly annihilated as you swing the cut list out and these lights of magic. The last couple of guys are absolutely terrified. They're standing over Danny, who they almost knocked down. They saw 2D kind of breathe some life into him, but they look like they were about to just start hacking

at him while he was down, and now they're like looking over their shoulder like, they're not fleeing, but boy, oh boy, the tide sure has turned. And we're going to bring things to Danny. Danny, you are lying down prone. You got a couple of hit points, and there's

two fish warriors standing over you. Yeah. Well. Nah, I could attack prone, but no, I'll pop up and attack the closest guy. I'll do that. The thing where they, I forget what it's called, but it's not a key up or something. I feel like that's a call you make out loud, but no.

feel like that's a call you make out loud but uh no uh the thing where agile people can kind of pop up with with just their feet oh kip yeah like yeah yeah like agent smith in the matrix yeah yeah exactly yeah suddenly rise up on your what did you call it chris kip yeah yeah Is that Jackie Chan move? So yeah, sure. It isn't a Jackie Chan move. That guy does everything. Yeah. And then I will hack away at somebody with the short sword. Whoever's closest. Great.

There's two of them right in your face, but there's one guy, I guess, who's a little bit closer. Yeah. Let's see it. Attack. First one is not a hit. All right. We're looking for 17 on these guys, so I'm going to use a key, though, a key point and do a flurry of blows.

OK. 19 plus five. That's a hit. Roll your damage. Yeah. Just four. Okay. You definitely hack into him, but he's going to go ahead and survive this one so far. Boy, oh boy.

But he's, you know, he's still pretty tough. He's not taking a ton of damage yet. We're going to head on to Nathan. You're up. Nathan saw Danny drop and then come back up, but he's sort of like horrified by that. Everybody else to the north is dead. Is that right, Dan?

It's just the two guys in front of Danny that are left? Yep. And that's sort of hill where you heard uh noises right but i just mean i mean sort of immediately on our map in front of us the only two that we see are those guys okay so nathan's actually going to charge and go one two Two, three, four, five, six. So he's basically coming up right behind Danny, and he's going to pull out that dagger that Princess Caspia gave him,

and he's going to be like, Danny! And all of a sudden, like, his eyes are going to roll back, and instead he's going to be like, stay away from my friend! And he's going to whip the dagger of venom. There are two guys there. Which one's more hurt? The one that's kind of

right north of Danny. Sorry, Nathan's going to throw the dagger of venom at that guy. It is an 18 plus 6, 24 to hit. That's a hit. So for dagger damage, it's a D4 plus 3.

I rolled a 2. So 5 points of dagger damage. But then also because it's this special dagger of venom, once a day, I will use it now. This thing is coated in poison or venom. I'm going to invoke that. And so the creature must succeed on a DC 15 constitution saving throw. Okay. Okay, so this guy has got a plus one to his constitution. And can you see what he rolled there, Chris?

Do I see it? No. Did you roll it on D&D Beyond? I missed it. No, I rolled it on my phone. Oh, that's a one. Uh oh. It sure is.

Okay, so that's fun. So that character is now poisoned for a minute and it's going to take 2D 10 poison damage. Oh my gosh. Just drop it. It's going. All right, I'll roll this one twice. Oh, one and four. just drop it it's gone alright I'll roll this one twice

one and four so sadly only five points of poison damage but the creature is now poisoned for one minute alright and yeah he goes, he's not dead, but he's like grabbing at the dagger,

like struggling to pull it out of his chest. Then we're going to come around. Everybody do a perception check. Hmm. 13. 13 17 20 17 everybody who got over a 15

is going to hear this Danny how'd you do alright yeah a few, is going to hear this. Uh, Danny, how'd you do? All right. Yeah. I think a few of you then will hear this sort of just like, kind of noise as if something with very strange kind of foot patterns is stomping up the hill. One,

one being two beings hard to tell. When you say up the hill, where are? Two beings? Hard to tell. When you say up the hill, where are we in relation? It's a hill that sort of separates the beach from the jungle. It's kind of this little hill that the guys

came up over. So from behind the bad guys. Yeah, and it obscures sort of the depth of the jungle a bit. So behind the bad guys and just on the other side of the hill, about 100 feet away, you're hearing this is sort of... Yeah. And then we're going to come round

to... Let's see, take them out of the turn order because they just died a horrible death. And 2D, it's you. Who's left? Those two guys who were standing over Danny are both still up. I'm going to get... I'm going to range.

Up there. Okay. I'm going to cast... I can actually reach them. I'm going to cast... I can't actually reach them. I'm going to cast Sleep. Alright. I'm going to cast Beyond them to make sure I don't affect Danny. Great. Sleep, they do what saving throw?

I don't see a saving throw. This spell... Oh, you gotta roll 5 and see how many hit points. I will do that. 1, 2, 3, 4, 5. Oops. 1, 2... What the hell? Sorry.

You just went haywire. I'm going to find out how many points this sleep is for. Sorry, I don't know how many dice I got. Okay. One, two, three, four, five. 16. Oof. Ooh.

All right. So let's see. How does this work when it's split between people? It's going to be... Yeah, you see the weaker guy to the right with a dagger, and it's just kind of going... And land on the ground, but the guy on the left just sort of sees it happening.

He knows he's now got a lot less protection. Anything else for you this turn are they more than 10 feet away they're like exactly right well my uh glaive can reach 10 feet so i'm gonna attack with my glaive holy shit all right uh the guy who's asleep for the guy who's up. Great. No, that is what is within ten feet. We'll attack first, right? Yes.

Okay. Oh, you know what? He's not no like, look, if I pull the ruler out, if we're being honest here, he's not in one. He's one square. Okay. Being in range? He's one square away from being in range. Do you have any movement left? Yeah, then I can't really do anything. Okay.

He's just out of reach of your glaive. You could hit Danny. No, I would never do such a thing. Okay. Two to you can't move five more feet? No, I can only move 25 feet. Cause I'm a little guy. Like me.

Okay, so then we're gonna come around. Princess Cosby is gonna swim farther across the river. She's making pretty good time. Jelf, you are up. I'm going to jump over this tree here and attack the guy who's standing with a short sword. Great.

16 plus, so 20. That's a hit. 1d 6 plus 4 piercing. 6 plus 4, 10. 10. maybe six plus four piercing six plus four ten ten that's ten on that guy how would you like to see this guy die

can I have him do the thing where he holds up one of his fish fingers and goes up oh hey I was just before you and then just right through the throat and he goes and then he collapses on the ground into some uh panko crumbs and uh i fry him up and he's delicious oh he's breaded

delicious wow gross oh and then uh and he's uh uh since that other guy next to him is prone can i just kind of do like an elbow drop with uh my short sword into his throat you can try uh you're gonna you're gonna roll with advantage he's asleep no sleep's an automatic success roll your damage uh that was a 20 anyway and then uh my god so double this five plus four so 9 eighteen on a sleeping guy a sleeping fish how would you like to see him how would you like to see i mean is there anything you'd like to to add to the fact that you were sort of elbow dropping a sword into a sleeping fish sitting on a jelly i'm gonna be uh i'm gonna cut to cut to his cut to his fish dream where he's like swimming towards a big castle and there's like bubbles of candy and stuff. And then all of a sudden this big hook comes down and I'm dressed sitting on it, dressed like a worm.

And I shoot him with a shotgun. Oh, gosh. And then he doesn't wake up. Right. Just as he just as he's about to wake up he's like i've discovered a new form of weapon and he disappears from existence um so iva you see just these beams rocket out of your cutlass and annihilate these guys you see your your other friends just sort of cut down the last remaining guys you see all the bloodshed you're feeling you're feeling pretty good but you've got this sort of thing in the back of your head where you're like oh right there's a weird

sort of stomping noise coming up the hill what would you like to do um i would like to... I can hear the stomping noise. Oh, yes. Myself. Okay, so what I'm going to do is I'm going to click my boots of speed heals together, and I'm going to hustle stealthily up to the crest of the hill as best I can to see what's coming if I can. Okay.

You are going to probably want to roll a stealth check. Are you trying to hide kind of at the top? Yes. Yeah, yeah. Cool. Put your token where you're going to end up. Yep. And roll a stealth check to hide. 20.

Great. You peer over the top of the hill and you see the demon that you remember from the Temple of Dagon that was being awoken, that you all snuck past with this huge serpent tail, sort of in an S shape, slamming itself up the hill. This thing is about 30 feet tall, and it doesn't quite see you peering over, but you just see this slime dripping from its open maw, which is kind of quivering back and forth as its body shakes up the hill.

And on that note, we'll have to find out how that plays out on the next episode of Nerd Poker. Hey, Sam, what do you think happened today? Hey, everybody. On episode 49, we are drawing hammer dicks on the map. But when we're not, we're fighting Galaxian bros. Some of them are glowing and something made of ice shards hurt us. Danny got tipped over and Nathan got paralyzed, which is not ideal for someone who hops around.

Blaine removed a wizard's head and Iva had a blinding and exploding and freezing and eye socket flame and embarrassing boobies and eyeball choking party. Nathan did some adorable poisoning. Tootie swung some glaive and Jelf breaded a man. And we all learned that the real magic hammer is the friendships we made along the way. Anything you want to plug down? Yeah, sure. Definitely look and see if I'm either complaining about the state of the planet or talking about show dates that I'm about to do on social media, most likely Twitter and Instagram.

You can also go on Netflix and watch the dragon Prince and learn about the tabletop role playing game that I will have coming out later this year. And yeah, that'll do it for me. Brian, what are you up to? Tour dates, BP,

Brian, same.com. And then, uh, merge there too. And, uh, just doing standup and hoping to get something else going awesome uh blaine

oh uh stacy keach and i are going over to vietnam we're base jumping into the uh san duong cave world's largest cave i'm excited i've never pace jumped before or been to Vietnam. Wow. That sounds amazing. I'm worried. I'm just worried that I'm going to plunge to my death. But yeah, I don't want to say it out loud. Not saying it out loud. Oh! Whoa. Don't jinx it.

If I say it out loud, it can't really happen. Plunge to my death. Cheers. Don't forget that Chris Tallman is in a movie called that's right available probably now yeah we appreciate

your ears thanks for listening to another episode of nerd poker you can follow us at patreon.com slash nerd poker and you get bonus episodes from there and you can also send us anything at P.O. Box 16069, Encino, California, 91416.

Thanks for listening. Hey, everybody. I'm dry, though. What? What?