Nerd Poker - S4E5 Lava Lunch

Episode Date: October 13, 2020

Our new Season 4 heroes have stumbled upon two firenewts engaged in some sort of lunchtime ritual, cooking a hapless creature over a small lava barbecue. They could sneak on by, but it wouldn't be Nerd Poker if everyone didn't dogpile into a small room and start swinging weapons. 

Hey everybody, I'm Brian Poussin, Comedian, writer, actor, nerd. I've been playing D&D with my friends for a long time. I decided to do a new podcast where we play Dungeons & Dragons in my very own dining room. With my wife, kid, and my noisy dogs. So meet my friends Sarah, Kev, Dan, Lee, Chris. Now it's time for another episode of Brian Poussaint's Nerd Poker. Season 4. Hey everybody, I'm Brian Poussaint, and you're listening to Brian Poussaint's Nerd Poker.

It's episode 5 of season 4. Holy shit. My friends are here. Look at their beautiful faces. You can't see him. I'm going to go. Ken. Hey, Ken.

Hi. What van is that behind you? What's that background? That's the anti-lunatic van. Nice. What's. Hey, Chris. Hi, Brian.

How's it going? I'm doing all right. Good. Hello,, Chris. Hi, Brian. How's it going? I'm doing all right. Good. Hello, Blaine. Hi, Brian. Hello, check, check. Check, hello, Brian. Check. Check, hello, Brian. Yeah, I'm here. Check, check, hello, Brian.

Hello, Sarah. How are you? Hello, Brian. I'm doing quite well, well thank you how are you today on this uh evening uh it's it's nice outside it's been really hot today yeah um i don't know how it is by you but um yeah i don't know are we gonna play oh i'm sorry i wasn't done yet check check check sarah's not done that was that was more than you've ever talked in the beginning of the show hello uh dan hello dan now i just want to say first of all hi hi buddy and then uh as always our friend sam hello sam hello little rascals dan do you have people that we should uh thank oh holy shit here it comes oh holy shit do you feel thankful because it's october where we're

recording this uh it's october 1st is it okay if i say what date we're recording it who gives a shit anyway that's what's happening right now in my neck of the woods i'm feeling the fall we'll be able to prove where we were in case somebody accuses us of some crazy shit. Zoom murder. You can buy pumpkins in Animal Crossing. I'm feeling thankful. I'm thinking about Thanksgiving, and I'm thinking about Patreon supporters who, of course, support us at the, what do you call it?

The Stargoil level and above. I opened the wrong tab, and it made my Stargoyle level and above. I opened the wrong tab and it made my brain go scramble the times. What you call it? Stargoyle level. What you call it? Stargoyle level.

I had just said it too. So it's like if I just remembered what I had said. Thank you, Josh Plays. Thanks, Josh. Thank you, Josh. Thank you, Power Plant Phil.

Thank you, Phil. Thank you, Hans Adelman. Hans. Thank you, Gus Plant Phil. Thank you, Phil. Thank you, Hans Adelman. Hans. Thank you, Gus's Free Willy. Thanks, Gus. He's up before. Yeah, thank you, Nug Nugs Tug Tug.

Thank you. Thank you, Deet Jerkson. Thank you. Isn't he on Dutch Parliament? Yes. Thank you also H.J. Gillum. Thanks. Burnt Sienna Hulk.

Thanks. Yay. Thanks, Smeltzy. Thanks, Philip Rainsford. Thank you. Thank you, Lord Irakhan. Thank you, Skylar McVacvaw thank you a growing concern for gus's mental state can't wait to see uh we'll have a fragile mental state in season four but you

know what else i would like to thank like a bat out of the nine hells i'll be gone when the morning comes that is the complete username of one of our Patreon supporters. Also, Estalia Naoli. Thank you, Estalia Naoli. We got a few more. Paul Chapman. Thanks. Hey, see more asses. I feel like you tricked me.

I still say thank you. And thank you, Deckard Skillso. Thank you, Gluten Free PCP. And finally, thank you, Jugal. It's like Google with a J. Hey, Blaine, who were those Patreon supporters brought to us by?

Patreon supporters brought to us by love. What is it? What is love? What is it? What is love? From is it? What is love? From the makers of laughter. What is laughter?

It comes from the soul. The soul is from love. What is love? The soul is granted by God. What is God? God. What is love? Love. Love. What is God? God. What is love? Love. Love. What is

God? Love. What is God? And Ben and Jerry's Jack Daniels Streaks of Coke. Party on with Jack Daniels, Ben and Jerry's. Dan? Wow. I left during

the Patreons to get the door because we got some postmates here and then you came back and you're like i'm having a stroke yeah craziest bit ever it felt like that it was that part in ai artificial intelligence where hayley joel osmond like eats the spinach and his jaw dislocates and the motor keeps moving? Yeah, how did you do that? How did you do that? Practically speaking, it was I just kind of do things It was unsettling on

three separate levels, really. Yeah, it's my old steel where you just move your tongue from side to side while you're saying normal things. Just pretend you're in Radiohead. Wow.

People are stunned. There was a lot to process. And you know what else we can process? What happened last time on the old Unnerd Poker? I am just going to tell you a little bit about what our crew did. They entered some lava caves beneath the ocean in an attempt to get to Davin Glavin's main continent.

They are now traveling. Is there something you'd like to say, Blaine? Just when you say the Jerry Lewis names always makes me giggle a little bit. Luckily, we'll get to hear it several thousand times over the next 50 to 80 hours. Anyway, we're all heading through some lava caves, some narrow ones at that, that needs the guidance of a little fella with a snake head named verge you killed one fire note without making too much noise but there are fire newts aplenty in these caves and as you were kind of sneak stealth in through one of them Danny as

played by comedian Brian Posey snuck with a very high dice roll but kept going with a very low perception roll and unfortunately did not notice a little pocket in the cave to his right as he sneaked where there are two fire newts. Unfortunately, the rest of you... That's what I say about Congress, too.

Fire newt. He's been retired for quite some time. Anyway... Thank God. No no talking right after he said running for president that we should make the moon the 51st state that breaks international space treaties newt gingrich you dumb fuck that'd be pretty cool though wouldn't it space force why do you say the coolest thing that he ever proposedosed I mean Yeah I'm with him on all his space stuff Yeah why does he want to abandon earth Just to go to the moon

What's your problem Newt Get off More women with carved hairstyles Yeah he also ditched his Wife while she was in cancer Treatment for a young wife Yeah there's a lot of reasons to fuck that guy We have plenty of modern politicians to

dislike. Welcome to the Telf Zone. Here we go. It's time to talk about Rick Santorum. TZ! Anyway, if you'll all go refer to Roll20. These fire nudes on the

tokens look like, kind of look like gummy bears made out of meat. To me. To my eyes. In a little bit. You're fighting kind of lately. I haven't made you roll initiative yet for this so I'm kind of a little preemptive with the battle music but, yeah, their backs

are to you. They're kind of, it looks like they're as I've previously described, they're like humanoid height. They're very slender. they've got sort of uh translucent skin with what looks like magma kind of coursing through their veins this like glowing sort of orange flesh and very light armor and they're they're kind of like like wrestling something uh it's hard to see because it's like in front of them but like one of them is kind of like pinning it over what looks like a little vat of magma.

There's like a little kind of like almost like a pedestal with magma in it. And they're trying to like cook some kind of meat over it. But whatever they're trying to cook does not want to be cooked. It's still alive. And the other one's kind of in a language you don't understand instructing it how to cook it. Going like, oh, sorry. It's first what will you guys do do we hear sounds of a scuffle right now no you just hear the sort of low rumbles of their voices oh you do kind of hear you know uh the this the the why don't you why don't you all roll a perception check maybe i

can tell you danny was wondering uh can he hear can he is the thing on the fire pit alive uh yeah so why don't we guys do um well he's automatically that he's in on that you're gonna if you're we should have some qualifiers here uh you know um you're if you're peaking you're, we should have some qualifiers here. You know, if you're peaking, you're going to have to also roll a stealth check. And if more than one of you on the right side, where the majority of the party does it, I'm going to have you roll with disadvantage on stealth because you're going to have to kind of like

Three Stooges style vertically stack your heads around the side of this opening so do you guys uh hello hello hello uh danny brian you can you can do both a stealth and a perception check but the rest of you guys do you want to elect someone to go peek yeah you're sneaky i'm pretty stealthy who's that who's at the front of the line? But I also am a terrible at rolling. Yeah, who is at the front? Who is that? Verge. Oh, that's Verge. Do you want to let Verge peek? Hey, Verge.

Sure, he can report. I mean, I guess we've had this... Do we know back... We don't know what's going on. It's only Danny who's seen this. Correct. All you do... All you see is Verge kind of like put an arm up and stop you because there's fire newts in this Little cave

That's why I was asking if we heard sounds Of a scuffle well I'll depending on What the perception check is from your Peeker I'll tell you what you perceive Exactly because there might be a little more Can Verge see me Yes

Well I indicate to Verge to like I put up my hand like to and then I go like bad guy and then I point to myself like I'm going for it soon. Okay. Is anyone peeking?

I don't mind if I hear a scuffle. Anything's better than the Super Bowl shuffle I'll go ahead and peek around the corner okay why don't we get a perception and a stealth from Danny and Iva 15 plus 3 on perception and 16 plus 5

on stealth even better what you got Iva 23 on stealth holy mackerel and um i only got a 10 on perception but i also have a bonus action called eye for detail where i can make a perception check to spot a hidden creature or an object or to make an investigation check to uncover or decipher clues oh go for it i don't know if can i do another perception you have to just pick either perception or investigation right uh or it says um because i word it differently for those two because

perception is about just sort of taking things in investigation is like looking deeper for clues yeah the thing says it's it's either or a perception check to spot a hidden creature object or investigation dealer's choice okay i'm gonna do investigation see if i can investigate and identify anything and that is a 20 oh shit all right so that's good brian danny both of you by the way with the fucking slick quietitude is that even a fucking appropriate word you both yeah you you glide in there i think i think it means something else uh but you kind of metallica song isn't it yeah uh things are getting intense by the way this music is by new tans one of our patreon supporters i believe real name patrick thank you so much new tans way to blow his cover

i thought he was banksy nope so, both you really very silently peek around. Brian, Danny, you notice they've got something. It's like the size of a miniature pig. It's got this sort of like blue and purple scales on it. And it looks like they're trying to like just stop it from moving. And you both notice this um and you both hear it make kind of little noise like and then uh in addition to that iva you peek around and uh yeah you see it a little more in detail. It's got some kind of iridescence to its scales. It's got kind of like a little platypus beak and a little unicorn horn.

Also, it looks like there's some sort of skeletal arm with fresh meat clinging to it. It looks humanoid in nature. You lost me with the skeletal arm and what was your role on the investigation 20 20 okay total so i'll tell you everything i mean it's also got like a little leather collar uh like oh somebody it belongs to somebody it's been but the leather collar is like sitting in the hand of this like still meaty skeletal arm and it looks like it got it got pulled off of this creature. Yeah.

I feel like Danny and I would be like, like, Danny, we're going to, we point to you. Right. He's not looking at me, but if he were, I would be like, we're going to each take one. Like we'll do like, you know. Yeah, sure. You know. That is a prior. He nods.

He nods happily. And then indicates like he'll take left and you take right please please verge is gonna move his token back a little bit iva if you could please place your token see why don't we uh i want we're gonna try a sneak sneak attack right each our own person yeah yeah go for it i was seeing if i had something special i could use right well you've got your weapons i mean you don't have like a rogue sneak attack type thing do we have advantage though because we're sneaking up on him yes okay so all right so i go i'm just gonna attack my guy if that's all right with everybody. Sure. So I'm going to say you both go in at the same time.

Okay. You're rolling with advantage, folks. So please describe for me the attack you're trying to do with what weapon and go for it with your roll. I mean, I was just going to leap on the back of my guy and put my short sword in front of him and just kind of try to slice his throat. Okay. And you get a sneak attack bonus with that, correct? Yes, I do.

All right, so let's get Sarah first. Please roll to attack. It's a 23. All right, well, Fire Newt, you need a 16 to hit. So, great job. Okay. So, then that's... You guys all see Iva just, like, jump on this thing's back and put her weapon right up to its throat.

The other guy hasn't even noticed yet. And then... This is like that episode of Hot L Baltimore I saw. Oh, shoot. Of course course i did terrible in my bonus damage so uh that's just eight points of damage okay so yeah you know like magma blood kind of sprays he goes uh and he uh he's not the one holding the creature he's he's the one kind of like pointing and bossing around the other guy uh b, what is Danny doing at the exact same time? Let's see.

I'll do kind of a similar move. I'll come up behind with the sword, my short sword, and just try to take him down. Great. Roll to attack, please. All right. Yeah, that would be a hit. It's 18, I'm guessing.

Sure is. And you're just trying to skewer him right through? No, slice across his neck. Great. So same thing. Yeah, okay. Great, so same thing. Just execution style. Like Fat Kid Camp on the Mr. Show sketch. Oh no!

Oh no! Hey guys. Hey buddy. We're just doing D&D. Oh, six. His accountant just walked in. Just doing D&D, no big. Brian loves his accountant very much. Do you remember him?

He already left. He's an accountant already? Nine total. Nine on that first one, Dan. Okay. Do I get a second attack? Do I get an unarmed total. How much time has passed, you guys? Nine on that first one, Dan. Okay. Great. Do I get a second attack or only? Not with your sword. Do I get an unarmed strike though as a bonus? Oh, that's right, as your bonus.

As your bonus attack, yeah. Your bonus action. Let's see. You can like throw your fist right into his spine or whatever. Yeah, I would try to do like a a really kind of brutal kidney punch to the guy

cool okay uh roll to attack yeah that's a hit uh it's a strength roll right or no what is it it's uh yeah so it's plus 5 uh 16 it's plus five. At 16, it's 21 total.

All right, roll your damage. It should say on the sheet, like, what unarmed strike specifically is for your character. It's a D4 plus three. Right. I like this music. Yes. The new Adele. Three plus...

Three. Six on that one. Great. So, yeah, then you just punch... And they're both very fucked up, and they're starting to drop... That guy now is about to drop the little squirmy guy

into the magma. Why don't we all roll for initiative? Well, and Danny would say let him go. Oh, he's about to let him go right into the fire. Yeah. Yeah. Well, Danny would also be looking for it now, but yep. Everyone roll for initiative. Has everyone rolled? Who's got over a 20?

Nobody. Who's got over a 20? Nobody. Who's got over a 15? Hold on. 17. 15. Ryan, 15 for Sarah. Anybody else? Who's got over a 10? 12.

Oh, my. What'd you get, Tootie? Nine. What'd you get, Nathan? Why, a five. Oh, that's delightful. Verge got a 20. Oh no.

Fire Newt number one got a four. Oh, Verge got a four. And Fire Newt number two got a 17. So we're just going to order that around a little bit. Danny, you're going to get to go right before the other fire noob because you have a higher dexterity than he does

that's how we're gonna break that tie uh right so up first we have verge verge is going to kind of just scoot back a little bit back here and catch Nathan up on what's going on. So, Nathan, you're told what you couldn't quite see, which is exactly

the two folks up front went in and assassinated a guy and that there's a little, you know, kind of like, it's got like pangolin scales. It's a little like pangolin platypus thing with like a unicorn horn is uh being cooked i thank him for telling me he says it's very cute

not my thing maybe maybe next time though stay and help with the fight. Sharing information also important, thank you. I might just get hurt. Yes, that's part of what happens in a group when we help each other. Ugh. He says. His tongue just kind of flicks out. And that'll be Verge's turn.

Up next, we have Danny. Hey, Danny. Cool. Yeah, cool. Let's see. I'm trying to see how Flurry of Blows works.

Right. Let's see. I will pull your character up for you. Oh, yeah. So any attack action. So it could be short sword or an unarmed strike, and then I get two more unarmed strikes? I don't think so. That's what it says.

It says after you take the action on your, the attack action on your turn, you can spend one key point to make two unarmed strikes as a bonus action. So I get, I could potentially do two more if I, it could be is the attack could it be a short sword or does it have to be an unarmed strike and then i get three uh let me see that's

a good question i'm seeing i'm it just says the attack yeah yeah yeah yeah i'm just trying to tell you my end of it um so it looks like it has to just be a monk weapon hmm so i'm just trying to see so you can i think you can use a lot of them but i don't know if you can use uh flurry blows with a short sword i'm looking that up right now blaine can you can you bail me out on this real quick what you got in your in in the you got just tell people to dance the music's enough this dance break brought to you by human sacrifice keeping the sun from eating your daughter since five five zero zero bc human sacrifice worth it all right well i apologize for uh first of all i'm glad we got a dance break i hope we can capture that on video but uh yeah so the player's handbook defines all monk weapons as short swords and any simple melee

weapons that don't have a two-handed or heavy property so of course you are covered and of course i was wrong apologies listeners i am still getting used to monks which are very unique so yeah you can go ahead i'm loving this fucking guy so much great um cool uh so danny um roll those attacks my friend oh yeah yeah swings that key point yep uh that's it i'm taking some glass from my seven-year-old. I'm not going to say rolling high, because then that'll jinx it. 16 plus five on the short sword. That sure is a hit. Roll your damage.

G6. Four plus three. Yep. Seven. And then I get two unarmed strikes. Great. One is probably bullshit. Eight plus five.

Not a hit. Nope. Alright. Come on. Oh, that'll hit. Fifteen plus five. Yeah! Roll that damage! Alright. So it's not really a flurry. I just, one blow.

A smattering? Yeah. A flur. A flur. Uh, 3 plus 3. 6. Alright, so the second time you just punch him and you just hear his back break

and he starts to fall to the side what do you want to tell him as he dies what is the last thing he hears um your god will be disappointed in you and you just you just see his head kind of twist to the side at the last second and like register that indeed

Faka his his god of magma and fire doesn't feel great about what he's done with his life his career choice the college he went his his god of magma and fire is it doesn't feel great about what he's done with his life his career choice the college he went to his choice of major all that stuff wow yeah it's

really kind of fucked up but you did it to him and he's gonna remember it for the second that he has left to live it's all right Danny wants to save the creature on the grill if only it was still your

turn up next we have the fire newt standing next to him. As he's, the other guy's like dropping. So the guy you just stabbed, he just drops the little pangolin creature and it goes as its back

starts hissing on the lava. And it's like legs are up in the air and it's going as its back is in there somebody else grab it the other fire newt is going to try to turn and stab at Iva because Iva is clinging to its back

so that is gonna happen Iva's like that that's so raven I. Iva's like that. That's so Raven. I mean, Iva. First attack is a 10. What's your AC, Iva? 14.

Oh boy. So now he's going to turn around and he is going to attempt to spit fire at you. Yeah. So you're going to need to make a dexterity saving throw of 11

you got this sarah you always roll good i have a plus 5 and i still did not make that saving throw so that's a 10 total okay well here it comes uh so it's gonna be 2d8 fire damage oh wow how many hit points does ivah have i don't want to talk about it why don't you tell me how much damage i took

enough that that could that could uh kill me all right well uh that is going to be 11 points of fire damage. I'm still standing. But you just see, like, Danny, you just see it turn around and just this, like, this moat of fire just goes and scorches across Ivar's shoulder. It's kind of just, like, still cooking. Like, you see embers on the lava rock wall behind it. Up next, I think we have Iva. Yes.

Get a little back. Because I want to get that guy. I want to save that guy, but I also want to kill this guy. It's a tough call. I mean. Who will save the creature? I assume, okay, I'm just going to assume that one of my compatriots is going to come in

and take care of this fire newt. Oh, boy. Danny's ready to on his next turn. I mean, I'll do whatever I need to do. I mean, it's definitely like Sarah. It's like, again, your little legs. Yeah, that's what I'm going to do is I'm going to grab him. All right. Little legs I'm gonna grab Yeah I'm gonna I'm gonna That's what I'm gonna do Is I'm gonna grab him Alright Uh

So you're gonna need to do A uh Constitution saving throw To not get burned As you pluck it out of the Fire Well I'm sure this will go great You got this Sarah

You always roll high Yeah I'm gonna use a different Different die this time Let's try that 16 I think we're all getting forget it what'd you get 16 great uh so yeah you managed to pluck it out just like grab like like one hand under its tail one hand under its head um can i use my head it's very important is he a um Is he a small beast? Yeah, he's

very... He's like a little smaller than a miniature pig. He's like this little guy. Can I ask a question? I have no point of reference. How big is a miniature pig? Oh, it's like chihuahua sized. Okay, got it. It's like if a chihuahua had tiny, short, stubby legs. Okay, thank you.

Wait, what do they have now? Chihuahuas, you know, proportionally have a leg that is as long as its body but okay as opposed to a corgi yes it's got like corgi legs a little smaller than corgi legs even so i'm gonna use my bonus action i have a thing to where i can disengage okay so using my hunting so you will not take an attack of opportunity as you run out with it right and we're gonna go show me on the map I am gonna just run on I guess back I'm gonna gesture to these guys like get in there all right All right. Up next... It's quite a call to action. It's only one guy.

Your turn. Just the raw, intense enthusiasm. Get in there. Jelf. I want to rush into whoever is closest to me, and I'm going to attack him with a short sword. Great. There's only one guy left standing okay yeah yeah yeah

there's really no need for more violence i have this controlled okay i i just i i just feel like i've uh i've set this thing i just want to just want to run it before i go in for the actual audition great so you go in there and there it is. You're firing an arrow? No, I was going to do a short sword thing. I don't know why I thought you said arrow. Tell me your number. Oh, that's okay. That's okay. Fifteen. Ooh, you just barely

swipe and miss. It kind of just goes over his shoulder. It blinks at you. Alright. Well, dear diary okay well up next we've got 2d hey hey i'm gonna run in there and bonk it with my hammer i wish you would please move your token i'm gonna move jelf because jelf is in there it's getting real crowded yeah sorry i'm trying to if you want to do a melee attack right now it's going to be with disadvantage how high is the ceiling it's so crowded it's about eight feet high uh which one am i attacking which one is dead? The one in front of Danny is dead,

which I'm going to ping right there. The one down here is currently wheeling around looking a little dazed after being stabbed by Iva. I'll kind of work myself over here behind him, kind of. Yep. Yep, it's a tight fit, but you can just barely get back there, sure. I'll say.

All right. Did you lose your token do i need to move you yeah scooch you right there sure all right um the creature's gone though right yeah i'm gonna yeah it's with iva so i'm gonna move it down there with iva all right let's see what happens that is a 11 all right unfortunately

a swing and a miss yeah a little tight in there getting a little cozy uh up next is Nathan um can I get through this hallway I'm at the end of the I'm behind the verge and yeah you can get down this hallway? I'm at the end of the...

I'm behind the Verge and Iva. Yeah, you can get down the hallway. I mean, you definitely can just run past them. It's not so narrow you can't push past everybody. You won't take like a... What do you call it? A penalty to your distance travel. Okay, yeah. So

I think I would look at Verge and be like, save the day! And I'll run up to... And you said this guy's dead, right? That fire noob's dead? Yeah, you know what? I will actually put a little note on his token of a little skull and crossbones so you know he's dead.

Is there... Do I have line of sight just because i know he's sort of the it seems like the other fire nudes kind of wrapped around the mouth of the cave can i see he's really hard to see i mean the the thing is uh if you try to do like yeah visibility stuff um okay well uh i will cast chill touch i guess then um it's a i create a ghostly skeletal hand it's like a ghostly rabbit's paw

in the space of the creature within range it's 120 feet that's kind of the only thing i can do so i will make it's a range spell attack and uh ooh not good uh nine to hit

yeah unfortunately you uh the ghostly hand just like tries to get around jelf and jelf tries to kind of dodge out of the way and it just sort of wriggles around and the fire newt sees it plenty of notice and kind of is able to dodge it as well. I call him a cat.

Normally your foot is lucky, but now it's just all cold and yucky. Hey, Nathan, do a perception check. Perception check. I will. Okay. 18 total. Something is coming down the west hallway. You hear like a dish, dish, dish, dish, like footfalls.

Like up there? Yeah. Yeah, I will tap Danny and say, Something's coming behind you all. Oh, that is a very cute warning from Nathan. Up next, we've got Verge, who's gonna go ahead and just sort of peek, walk

past you, Iva, and then kind of go behind Iva again. Then we have Danny. You're up. Any idea, does Danny... Fuck, I wanted to get this guy on the other side of, uh... Blaine, but, um...

Does Danny hear somebody coming, too? Not yet, no. Okay. I told you. I told you. Nathan told him. Nathan's little bunny ear told you, yeah. I tugged on your cloak. I'm Nathan. Uh, alright right i think these two guys got this

this fire uh fire newt right it really sucks because i i had planned i was gonna uh climb over jelf and and uh like kind of wall walk and get over him and right onto the guy but it's getting real crowded in there. Do it on the other. Do it on the guys coming down the hallway. That's true. If you want, you can do a wall walk around the corner. There's really nothing better than a martial arts scene

inside a cramped area, though. I'll tell you what. Look at Oldboy and some of those other Donnie Ann movies, too. Brian, if you want to... I will make you do an athletics check or I'll let you choose athletics. No, I'm going to go left.

Wait, hear me out. I'm trying to give you a cool thing to do. Just know at one time I'm going to do that shit. Brian, let me offer you a cool thing for the love of God. Okay. Stop negating my improv. What you can do is you can pick acrobatics or athletics, whatever you're more

bonus-y in. Look at your sheet. If you want a wall walk run around this corner, I will give you advantage on an intimidation check against whatever is on the other... Oh, fuck yeah. Okay, so...

Yes. Because you're going to be running around the corner on the wall, which it's going to freak him out a little bit. With my sword drawn. Which do you want to do, athletics or acrobatics? Athletics, yeah. Okay, so this is going to be a difficulty of 15. Okay. And it won't hurt you if you screw this up unless you botch.

All that'll happen if you don't get a 15 will be you'll just kind of like your heel will slide down the wall and you'll come around the corner on your feet. Fucking just barely. I got a 15. I got a 10. 10 plus 5. All right. So you get up on the wall and just like book it with your sword out around the corner. And you're like 90 degrees, like running this one.

There's barely room for you to do it too. Luckily you're a half elf. So like, you're just short enough that you can kind of like fit as you do it. You see a fire new come and he, he like stares at you. Like his eyes are at your eye level, but you're sideways.

Please roll an intimidation check with advantage. I already have a plus three on intimidation too so here you go then you get to roll twice uh that's a 17 and low well it's a 20 i'll take the 17 right that's it what plus three right so yeah so you he drops his weapon. Like, you just make eye contact with him. He goes, gah! So I'm going to put your token right here.

You, like, sprang around the corner, and this guy is just right in front of you. What would you like to do? I'd go through him. I'd just stab him. Roll to attack, please. Well, I mean, they're all where Danny is assuming these are

all Naughty boys? We're on the defense. Right? I mean, these are all. Yeah, he was not coming to. Even though he dropped his weapon, he's still a bad guy. He wasn't like holding a plate of appetizers like he was he was he wasn't wearing like a frilly apron that says pizza rolls lava lava caves best cook and embroidered on it nathan notices a sign that says librarian convention Librarian convention. Innocent club.

I'm wondering... Well, how quickly was I... Do I have time to stop? Or would I just run through the guy? Oh, you're absolutely running through him. Like, you're full momentum. That's part of why I gave you the intimidation check. You're going through this guy like my kid through a toner cartridge.

Well, because part of danny would like to drop his own weapon and go hand to hand with the guy if he's wants to go weaponless but he is weaponless i mean that would occur to you sure you can put your weapon away and just punch him in the face yeah that's that's what he does all right so he's already peeing his pants he sees you with honor really quickly. Just go, please roll to attack. And are you doing flurry of blows or just an unarmed strike? Unarmed strike.

Okay. Because you're probably starting to, your key points are going to run low. Usually a writer's guild thing, unarmed strike. Very effective, by the way. 13 plus five. Ooh, just oh just barely yeah you got it uh rolled it roll for your damage currently 107 degrees one plus three riddle're at low fleas. All right. 107 degrees. More damage. You going to use your bonus action attack? I assume you are.

Yeah, I will. Yeah. So one more and one unarmed. Uh-huh. Yeah. It's on a slant there. That's another. What do I need to hit? 16?

Yes, sir. Just barely. 12 plus 5, 17. Roll your damage. Four that time, so four plus three. Awesome. I feel like I'm at the equalizer's house you punch him you punch him twice and like he's he's very like but uh you run past him um are you going to try to stop i'll i i'll skid and and uh let's see i'll skid and then I'll flip around and face him.

Great. I'm going to need you to do an... That is definitely going to be an acrobatics check. Either way, I have plus five on both. Athletics or acrobatics, but I'll try. Nice. Thirteen plus five. athletics or acrobatics, but I'll try. Nice. 13 plus 5.

Always wait for Brian's math. I'm like, wait, did he do well? Oh, there it is. Yeah, you've managed to wheel around no problem. You're out of actions, unfortunately. Next up, we've got the fire newt in the cave. But it looks super

fucking cool it doesn't really matter that I don't get another punch the guy you just punched twice is thinking to himself what an extreme monk I want every guy every person to fight me in this season to just be like holy shit

that was kind of impressive. Nice. All right. So this guy is now going to attempt to slash at Tootie, the last one who attacked him. Why? I'm telling you. You're the last one who attacked him. But you know what?

He rolled terrible. He got a nine. That's not enough to hit, right? No chance. He's going to try to stab you again. And this time he got an eight. So he's just...

He's too close. He can't get it. Just look at him like, what are you doing? What are you trying to... He's going to stab you with his scimitar and there's no room to do it. He just clangs against the little magma pedestal. This is funny. It takes the camera. And then we've got Iva.

Iva, you are in the hallway holding this little guy. And you've seen Verge just kind of run, peek, and run away. He's not running away anymore but he's definitely hiding yeah i'm gonna use my speak with small beasts uh ability to ask the thing if it's okay and if it has a name okay and can you remind listeners how speak with small beasts works um it's just a no it's a gnome ability it's a forest gnome ability so um just says through sounds and gestures you can communicate simple ideas with smaller smaller beasts um you know they can befriend small forest animals and rely on them for information like my

like agatha oh my gosh right now um so i don't i don't know if this thing counts as a small beast but if it does then i would be able to communicate with it and you're trying to ask it what again i want to ask it if it's okay and uh if it has a name that just simple idea so it doesn't i don't have like the ability to like get a lot of info out of it so like so like it immediately engages you and you kind of like turn it over you realize it's like got these little spiny scales and they're almost like tinfoil which doesn't exist in this universe but like it's got this like reflective heat quality to it where you feel like it's naturally built for this environment like it probably wasn't even hurt when it got dropped in the magma and it seems good like

like it seems like it can probably survive in magma for a couple minutes um and uh when you ask it if it has a name it kind of like its eyes light up a little bit it like looks back like where it came from like in that little cave oh where it's where it's where the guy where the guy's arm is that was attached to it or do an insight check uh that is an 11 so 15 yeah it seems like he's definitely gesturing to that cave i don't know that uh you know like you Really investigated it much but it might have Something to do with the collar Um does he Want to come with me does he seem to want to come with me

Sure back in there Very locked into you right now very just like eyes Wide big big Little eyes Um I'll go back in the cave Uh I guess with my action and then hopefully That guy's dead by the time my next turn comes around and if not i will make him dead great uh and yeah that'll be your action right interacting

with this little guy yeah i'll that'll bring us up next to gel gel shit is going in bananas you're you're still right in front of this guy but uh it's getting real crowded you don't have i'm going to uh i'm gonna kill him go for it uh 16 with uh 16 plus that's a uh that's a hit 17 yeah that a hit. Oh, it's only a plus one? Yeah, it's my strength, right? No, you silly boy. So if you look at Joe, he, with his weapon, should have a unique attack bonus. Sorry I call you a silly boy.

I know that's really harsh. But no, you're using a plus six to hit. So you've got a wonderful bonus there you should keep an eye on cool yeah that's much better than what i than what i had you guys get to know your anyways and they're wonderful great um you already hit him and with the natural 16 that's fantastic please roll your damage with my with my tiny dice that's a six. Oh, that's just enough. You stab him with the sword, and you see the light begin to flicker out of his eyes as he goes limp in your, like, your sword's, like,

kind of, like, inside, like, his torso a little bit. What would you like to be the last thing he hears? Lights out. Uh-huh. Flash, flash, flash. And immediately his lights blink, and there is no more light in them, and he falls limp to the floor. That's my friend Peter Wolf the Op. He likes to rock. He doesn't stop. Tootie, you're up. This guy is toast in here.

The floor has quickly become littered with dead fire newts. You do, however, hear the sound of, like, moist punch connections happening down the hallway. The moist. Oh. It's a bit... Very moist. Punching is a little noisier than footfalls, so passive perception, you're just hearing this. Gonna go see the source of that noise.

Cool, you run down the hallway. Get out of this mess. Would you please put your token around that corner where you'll obviously collide with a fire newt. Oh, you ducky. Very moist, very moist, very moist. Yeah, let me see. Maybe I can do like some foley work

of what it sounds like when a half elf's fist connects with the face of it. It's kind of like, I've been working on my last squirt of the shampoo bottle at my, uh, wife's mom's place. Sound. Um,

are you, are you attacking 2d? Very, very, no, I'm attacking the guy. Not me. Yeah. Let's, let's do it.

Oh, goddammit. No, 10. Pray not. So just bring the hammer across him, and he's too riled up from being freaked out. The half-elf who ran along the wall. It really made him upset. He was ready to dodge you, that's all.

He's, you know, he's got his own liveness to him. Nathan, it is your turn to address the business at hand. Um, I don't know. I can't really do anything. I can't get around that corner. You could, sure. I can? Yeah.

Oh, okay. It's pretty narrow narrow but you can yeah all right then i would do that i will the thing with the narrow hallway is like i'll let you guys get past each other but it makes it so you can't like stand next to each other and attack someone easily it means you can't stand on top of each other without rolling with this advantage there's certain coolest quarter things but i'm not giving you like a oh you can't get down the hallway kind of thing great uh then what i would do is i would uh pull out my uh carrot my magic wand that looks like a carrot and run around the corner and cast a magic missile at the the the big fire monster that's fighting my friend. I wish you would.

So that is going to be, yeah, yeah, yeah. So three glowing darts shaped like carrots of magical force fly out. And so each one does a D4 plus one. Uh-huh. So. I'm going to improve the shit out of his eyesight. So the first one does two points of damage. Good dude should hit them.

The second one does four points of damage. Uh-huh. And the last one does another four points of damage. Ooh, Nathan. Your little carrot wand comes out and just... And it is all this fire nude can bear. What would you like to be the last thing it hears before it perishes from this terrifying place beneath the ocean

last thing it hears from me I'm sorry about killing you my name is Nathan and you just yeah watch its face register and it kind of feels some peace and it falls to the floor that is another dead

fire nude uh things get real quiet all of a sudden and you guys are out of combat well this one's dead too but it definitely felt very surrounded at the last moments of its life you guys all kind of ganged up on it real good where are we going let's go there fast danny uh danny turns to nathan and says thanks for your help and bows oh i uh sort of very formally like hand on tummy other hand on my back bow towards him and maybe sort of like pretend off my cap okay i love it danny uh danny smiles i also smile i rub my shoulders which are sore from whiffing uh sarah iva notices yes there is a sort of meaty sort of uh you know corpse like arm it looks like the meat was recently cleaned off you think these fire nudes probably ate all the meat off of this arm.

Ew. Okay, I investigate. Roll that investigation check. Oh. That, unfortunately, is a 13. Okay. I mean, yeah, there's a leather collar. The skeletal arm looks humanoid.

It looks like it's small-ish. It's longer than the sort of half-length arm of Verge and yours, but it could just be a tall gnome or a short human. You can't quite tell. I mean, was this... Oh, sorry, go ahead. There is a little leather collar, Oh, sorry. Go ahead. There is a little leather collar and it's got a little

metal tin kind of little plate on it with a word written on it in the common tongue. It says noodles. What's this? Noodles? Yes. Noodles. I look at noodles

and I'm like, noodles. Are you okay? And it climbs up on your shoulder let's get out of here alright so there's a long length of the tunnel ahead we'll go ahead and clear these corpses just a little bit to the side so you can

move around your tokens a little easier but I just want to remind everyone you are definitely leaving a trail of dead behind you so as you're trying to sneak around obviously this last fight got the attention of a

guy around the corner there is you know a reasonable chance that someone's eventually going to find these corpses and try to track you down. We better get out of here before the janitor shows up. Nice. Looks like you cleaned the floor with this guy, though.

And you cleaned that name straight off that dead arm. Nicest D&D group we ever had truly it is alarmingly cheery and it's almost as if you all received trauma in the last season finale anyway uh yeah is there anything else in that little room that like worth searching for or should we just run um i mean i feel like whatever they were doing is probably meaningful in some way but maybe we should just i think we should just keep going unless i guess i can ask the the i can ask noodles like should we go or does is there something we need to know noodles uh do a insight check based off of the response you get because you're asking a pretty esoteric question

um 20 wow okay so as you're leaving noodles does kind of like like seem to like look look around the little pocket cave oh good job Nathan uh alright so we all

or whoever's in here can look and see what we, what we see. Great. Anyone, you know, I'm going to say it's hard for you guys to dig around much, but you don't need to do an investigation check at the small room. So paying any attention to it reveals a lot.

Yeah. You know, there's, there's a little more humanoid remains, but it just looks like little chunks of vertebra. They've, they've, they've cleaned people in here before, but they're all older. So it looks like the chunks of vertebra they've they've uh they've

cleaned people in here before but they're all older so it looks like the only thing that they got off of this humanoid that was the master of noodles was the arm there could be an armless living person uh walking around however they do also have like a leather knapsack that looks like uh it maybe holds a couple of things it's not like the fire newts stuff you know the fire newts their their equipment is all very cultural it's it's all very metal it looks like it's made to survive hot temperatures but this leather knapsack is kind of like a lighter leather color okay so I guess I'll grab that and look inside as we go. And I guess we'll find out what's inside on the next episode

of Nerd Poker. I have texted everybody a picture of noodles as drawn by Sean Bryant. Noodles. Hey, Sam. Hi. Would you like to tell us what you think happened on episode five of season four i would uh we met a little chubby unicorn platypus man and it serves as a reminder that all of our best friends are rescues uh i forgot i took a really good edible before we started

recording and then i remembered that i did because when dan said that we were fighting fire newts i thought he said fig newtons and i laughed for 10 minutes hearing brian pussain character say there's really no need for violence makes me so angry nathan casted a ghost hand which is both very spooky and very cute. And although we did mostly murder today, we mostly learned the value of friendship. Oh. All right. Well, thank you, Sam. What's the exchange rate with friendship in Canada?

It's definitely more up there. Definitely more up there. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. It's a lot worth it. Hey, Brian, what's going on? You got some stand-up stuff to talk about? Nope. yeah it's a lot worth a lot hey brian what's going on you got some stand-up stuff to talk about nope but uh but my uh i've got gimme metal and every tuesday i listen to grandpa's metal stash and uh my video by the time this is out i think uh my video for new music sucks will be out so check that out on YouTube.

I've been working on it the whole entire COVID. It's a, no, there's like, we were doing it right before we were shooting, you know, shit when you were still allowed to. And then we did a bunch of these kinds of things.

And then we've done some more shooting just since things are starting to loosen up a little you think if you focused on a vaccine instead we might have it by now what about all those distractions I mean like yeah you really I know an impeachment proceeding can really distract you from a vaccine

that's for sure anyway if people could please check me out doing stand-up every friday at 8 p.m pacific on twitch.tv slash tell for dan i would be very appreciative does it feel like stand-up well that's relative but i'm sure giving it a try thanks you guys thanks for listening thanks for listening to another episode of nerd poke oh my god Thanks for listening to another episode of NerdPoker. Oh my God. Wait, I almost forgot.

Huh? What? What's going on with you and Stacey Keats this week? Oh, we're not doing too much. We're getting ready. We're going to do a live table read of Hey, Anal Arnold for Pornhub next week. So we're getting to get the whole original cast together and going to do a live Zoom table read. They're always fun. Arnold for Pornhub next week. So we're getting to get the whole original cast together and

go do a live Zoom table read. They're always fun because people are just happy to see each other. I love Arnold. Well, I'm glad I made a big deal out of it. Thanks for listening. Thanks for listening to another episode of Nerd Poker. You can follow us

at patreon.com slash nerdpoker, and you get bonus episodes from there. And you can also send us anything at P.O. Box 16069, Encino, California, 91416. Thanks for listening. Spin the clock