Nerd Poker - S4E50 Demon Schemin

Episode Date: August 24, 2021

We're heavy into an ugly battle with an ugly foe, a water demon sent by an angry Gillaxian army. Hopefully not TOO many of the Castaway Cuties will get boiled alive or skewered by a war spear.

Hey everybody, I'm Brian Poussin, Comedian, writer, actor, nerd. I've been playing D&D with my friends for a long time. I decided to do a new podcast where we play Dungeons & Dragons in my very own dining room. With my wife, kid, and my noisy dogs. So meet my friends Sarah, Kev, Dan, Lee, Chris. Now it's time for another episode of Brian Pussain's Nerd Poker. Season 4. Hey, everybody.

I'm Brian Pussain. You're listening to Brian Pussain's Nerd Poker. Episode 50. 5-0. Yo. Chris is here. Hi. Time to get our show's prostate checked. Yes, exactly. Yo, Chris is here. Hi, time to get our show's prostate checked.

Yes, exactly. Boy, anyway, so many stories. Just two. And Blaine's here. Hey, hi. Speaking of prostates. Hey. And Dan Telfer also. What's up, buddy?

Oh, it's me. Hi. And there's Sarah. Hello, Sarah. Not speaking in prostates. Hello. Are you at the beach? Well, we're having a battle on a beach that's near a forest. That's what I'm trying to evoke here. Nice. Backdrop. Evoke away. Ken

cannot be with us He might drop in Crush your fingers Our engineer is here Hello sweet children To take your heart and steer I don't know why I went to a Mr. Show Song

But anyway Ramen is here too Hello Ramen Hey buddy song but anyway oh I thought it was Taylor Swift ramen is here too hello ramen hey buddy you sleepy I got a new comforter and he doesn't like it oh he doesn't like the new comforter

he feels betrayed where's the old comforter it's in the garbage oh you threw away his beloved yeah I did this is cruel it did he put his it had his scent on it that's why yeah yeah yeah yeah every time he refuses to respond to the kissy noise the press your luck whammy noise plays in my head oh poor ramen hey hey you know what you know what every time ramen makes a cutesy face i'm so

grateful the same way that i am grateful for patreon supporters holy shit you guys i'm so happy yeah you're the silk that's what i'm known for i'm pure synthetic silk i am so happy that we are supported by you guys thank you so much to everyone who listens but those of you who support us on patreon keep food on our goddamn table for reals like you go by usernames like bielsa thank you thank you and thank you bobby cart or cartay i'm not sure thanks bobby thank you uh huckle mcfuckleberry's good luck pants truck that's fun uh i'm sorry excuse me huckle mcfuckleberry's good luck pants tuck apparently that's someone's drag name better uh thank you lewis welsh thanks lewis thank you blaine's hot mike which is actually just a rabbit in drag you're very welcome no no jesus christ

thank you i got a rock thank you now man or norman thank you brando calrissian right on thanks ose which i is that a halo game thank you beholder i don't even know her thank you jacob livermore thank you eel cola thank you my stimulus check hope that keeps you going for a while thank you doorslimited LLC. Now with locations in Stockton, Bakersfield, Newport Beach. Thank you, James Brooks. Thank you, Glenn. What? Thanks, Brooks.

Watch the show. That's great. It doesn't say if it's James L. Brooks. I feel like he used to say not that one. Somebody did that. Right. And now he's leaning into it like, well, they're a little more grateful for a creator of the Simpsons to be supporting them well

uh thank you Glenn Altman Betridge thank you sub optimal dad I think sub optimal dad's an old improv friend of mine if that is Matt DeMarco hello uh his blue is FBI cover Dan what if he's being haunted by the

mafia? What if he is? Oh boy. Matt, I'm so sorry. This is awkward. I didn't know you were in witness protection and that somehow you were using our Patreon to cover where you were. I'm not sure how that works,

but I do think I'm about to be arrested by the FBI. He's trying to be a Chicago high school student like that John Cryer. Oh, man. Oh, boy. Thank you, Schlubblebutt.

Thank you, Brian Hall. Thank you, Lloyd Elmore Jr. Thank you. Thank you, Wolves ate my house. Oh, no. And thank you. Finally, a wizard. But broccoli.

How does that work? I don't know, but I can tell you what I do know. It's time for a sponsor. Blaine, who were those patron supporters brought to us by? Well, Dan, those patron sponsors are brought to us by. And future. by. Well, Dan, those Patreon sponsors are brought to us by Ad Future. A baby fell down to

the spacecraft like a sweet little comet. We thought she was burned up on Greenelantree. She fell in a barrel of safety foam.

Dan? Be nice and calm. Well, well, well. I have some actual physical money given to me by listeners. Waitress at the Punchline in Sacramento forwarded some money from her D&D pal, Alex. Andrew Hamilton? Oh, nice. Alex Pocock from Sacramento.ramento thanks buddy uh we appreciate it and then um god where was i oh this was a big one sacramento no um earth maybe it was um at any rate

maybe it was um at any rate the prime oh i know i know now okay i was in um raleigh and he had come from another state they had flown up um a couple of guys actually that are big followers and uh but one of them kevin gallagher uh deckard skill so, also known as Skeletor's Dick, gave us $500 in cash. Jesus. He passed me all this money, and I went, dude, what are you doing? And he goes, I've been wanting to do it for a while. I can do it.

I want to help you guys. So it's going into the pot. Wow. Thank you. spread around equally on payday so Kevin super above and beyond thanks again man

and I wish I had his friends names too but they were all came to my Raleigh show from a couple of states away they flew? They flew specifically to come see me because it had been a while and no promise I was going to come to the state they lived in. I can't remember. I don't think it was Kentucky, but at any rate.

So sweet. Thanks, guys. Very nice. Thanks, you guys. Yeah, man. Very cool. What if we make a blood pact and don't tell Ken about that $500 and then we're

rich forever? We're all on the same page. And we fartin' through Corvettes. Please, fartin' through Corvettes as a Patreon user or something. No, that'd be great. Well, that's cool. That's my favorite Sammy Hagar record farting through Corvette

can't fart 55 well on that note I think it's time to talk about what happened last time on Nerd Poker it was an octopus with a weird light under it just to freak Brian out cause I saw him vape earlier and I know I could freak him out with some weird shit under it just to freak Brian out because I saw him vape earlier and I know he's

I could freak him out with some weird shit in front of my webcam. Anyway, the castaway cuties are trying to get the hammer back to Blingbottom and have entrusted none other than Princess Cosby of the Fish Princess

with Bahamut's hammer in like a hat, but like shrunk. And then they made a real speedy and were like, swim, little fish princess, swim across the river. And hopefully that's what she's doing. In the meantime,

they have laid low a small battalion of Galaxian soldiers. And then, after doing so with the iridescent cutlass, Iva Paperbark came up over the hill on the beach to spy whether another battalion was coming. And instead, a water demon from the Temple of Dagon was shuffling about. So anyway, yeah, that's happening. And we are mid-combat.

So we take you to that combat and me turning the lights back on for my weird experiment. Already in progress. You know, I think we've all grown a lot during COVID. The fact that we've completely just leaned in on

Castaway Cuties. You know, I remember very clearly. I think pre-COVID we might not have let Castaway Cuties fly as a name for us. Very clearly remember the day I was no longer trying to lay that on you guys, and you were like, no, that's it. It works. That's fine. I was like, really?

That feels like it should be like five more episodes of a fight. But no. Also, I just want to put someone recently said jokingly on social media or something. Can't wait for someone to be mean again. And everyone's so nice. And I just want to point out, you guys have already done some really fucked up things on accident as nice characters. So I want to give you guys some credit in case you see the same comment that I saw.

Right. Well, I think we all leaned in on it that we all wanted to play those kind of characters. I mean, I definitely, Chris and myself made that choice. I mean, I did just explode a bunch of people. Yeah. But we're supposed to.

That is why we were sent here. We're not pacifists, exactly. You got the fish person that you're friends with to go look the other way while you blew up all of her relatives. So it worked out. Very polite. I always aim for people's eyes.

Yeah. That's just nice. That's kind. You guys just wanted something a little more lighthearted after season three's finale and the way it happened. You just, and it was still, but again, right away you chummed the water with a soldier and attracted a dragon

turtle. So, but also because I wanted to show that, you know, uh, you would defend your new friend. We would defend our new friends. That guard was a prick.

And now... I was role-playing, Dan. I don't know what that was. Every once in a while. It's great. You took the reins, and I didn't make you do it like I did with Dark Thirstery. Lo,istry lo those many months ago so we're gonna go ahead and check out what's happening oh by the way i did some recon i was looking at some of season three's episodes uh for research purposes

and the infamous you guys trying to climb a boat for like three episodes happened during some of our very first Zoom episodes. So I could see why things would feel a little weird. And such choices might be made by a dungeon master. He was unaware of

what would be interesting. So we are currently mid combat and you just hosted a bunch of these guys. If you want to head over to Roll20, I have launched the map. I know not all of you are over there yet, and that's a-okay. If you would like to save, I know my computer is farther away from the router as it used to be. So that's the link. So that's the link. And yeah, I'm going to go ahead and just say,

even though right now it just looks like fishy corpses, there is one sleeping, right? 2D made one goes under the tree over here where Danny and Jelf are. So there is that guy who's just having a doze. I don't think you executed him. I thought that Jelf did.

But I could be misremembering. Didn't I do a drop with a short sword on this guy? Oh yeah, that's right. Thank you. As we were talking about over text message, we did not have time to re-listen to the end of the last episode this week.

So I appreciate y'all's collective hive mind. Yeah, you've got like a moment to react as a group. So we're still in the turn order. Iva just did the uh prismatic spray with her her thingy her her sword her cutlass on her turn she she made the movement up the hill up next in the turn order uh danny you hear iva remark uh something's coming okay let me get what would you like to do? I would assume get into some sort of preemptive position, as this seems inevitable. Yeah.

All right. Describe it for the listeners. I'm trying to get into roll 20. Hold on. Paint a picture for us after you look at the roll 20 picture. The waves splashing on the shore. for us after you look at the roll 20 picture the waves splashing on the shore Danny Yen thinks

will there be blood on the sand well more than there's already and will it be demon blood mixed with like some weird demon mucus because it's a water demon and they're usually all moist Danny's not sure

we take you to the rest of his subconscious already in progress. I like that you worked moist and mucus into the same sentence, Dan. I didn't like either one of those. I'm a great writer. Alright.

Where am I? Where's Danny? all right where am i where's danny brian looking things up is brought to you oh yeah yeah yeah um you're the goateed avatar that is of course just a stock one that you chose oh and there's a thing right by me right uh there's a corpse and you're under a tree uh that got smashed in half i believe by uh that one's dead that one's dead that's next to me okay cool yeah that's the one that blaine did like a like a sword elbow drop on okay um i will i will change its little icon from sleepy times to deady times so so it's a little more clear. It's got a little... Listeners, I will try to get more photos or screen caps of the Roll20 maps for you, as was recently requested to me.

But I'll also just let you know those icons are just a part of Roll20. And Roll20 is handy for stuff like this, but it's easy to forget that I should be describing it because it's just not quite as visually engaging as miniatures and little tiles and shit. Yeah, let's see. Sorry. No, what you thinking about though, Brian? What you looking up?

Take us through your process. Hmm. Interesting. through your process. Hmm. Interesting. Wish I could set somebody on fire or do some sort of...

Oh, you want to cause some sort of scenery collateral mayhem. Or at least do something from without getting close. From a distance. Let's see.

Brian, have you ever been on Broadway? Yeah. To buy weed. Oh, nice. Well, you could try to set some kind of trap if you look at your inventory. There is the tree that's sort of covered in ice, but has sort of fallen over you could try

to do something with the tree like roll it down the hill it's a bit heavy though you'd probably need someone to assist you there is you could just lump like lug something like a like an underhanded kind of arch or whatever like over the hill

towards the demon I mean he how quickly I do have a underhanded kind of arch or whatever, like over the hill towards the demon. I mean, how quickly? I do have a crossbow. I totally forgot about it. There we go. What's that, sir? I was looking for a ranged weapon.

I do have a light crossbow. Pardon? I might have missed it. How far is he? I mean, he's coming our way, right? It's not like he's like. Yeah, you heard the noise before you came over the hill. He's about 150 feet away. Where is he?

On the other side of the hill. His ETA is... He's, uh... I'd say ETA is about 20 seconds. Okay, I'm gonna get ready, then, and with the crossbow, I'll fire on him. Nice. You're gonna go up the

hill and fire now or are you going to get in position? I'm going to get in position and be kind of shielded where I am by this dead body. Where are we evacuating to when this is over? Across the river, right? We're supposed to be going across the river. To the south there's a river

and on the other side of the river is upsea pinezy and on the other side of upsea pinezy is bling bottom upsea pinezy of course is a mysterious magical forest is there a way for us to communicate with our giant fish friend that uh the giant fish friend don't we have a uh didn't the princess turn into a giant no and walk across the river with the hammer no it was discussed but it did not happen oh okay i was thinking of shrunk i think we shrunk the hammer and she and then she put it in the hat correct and you and you gave her long striders so she could really haul ass. Oh, okay, okay, okay. Is there a way for us to make one of us really big and then have that person carry us across the river to safety? Sorry, I'm just thinking of ways to get away from this thing.

I think that's a great idea. I think our issue was that all these guys are water creatures. So us crossing a thing of water is, that's why we decided to make our last stand or whatever, because like, it's hard for us to cross water, but they'll just be able to go. It puts us on their turf. Yeah. Yeah.

Also within larger- More like their surf. No, that was really good. Don't, don't ugh yourself. That was a good turf and serve. Come on. Solid. I was impressed, really.

Yeah, I was too. Sometimes those synapses I'm like, how are they so fast? I've just, I've just pre-morning green blats.

Oh. Sad about that. What was that? My kid is at Blaine's house. It was that my kid is at one house it was not my child I'm so relieved got some headphones on he's attacking something with his creatures all right so um yeah

right now Brian you're gonna go ahead and we're gonna say you're holding your action yeah so you're ready to pop when necessary but right now not so much sure um which cool uh and then next after brian uh we've got uh nathan's turn but i do want to just sort of acknowledge what blaine said yeah you i mean you can get in touch with her there's yeah there's there is the idea that you could carry your party somehow across, but I don't know that you would necessarily be strong enough to carry everyone.

And yeah, Nathan, for instance, does have message that he could cast to the princess. I do. What am I? What would I be messaging her, though? Oh, just that that this were about to be killed by a water demon. Okay. Some sort of request for, I don't know, not help, or maybe she could whip up some sort of assistance or help from across the river or something, I don't know. Okay.

Well, be careful, though, because she's going to come if... Then she comes back. If she thinks Nathan is in trouble, she's going to abandon the whole hammer thing and we're counting on her to... Do you know what I mean? Like, she will just leave that fucking hammer

and come back to her beloved, so... We kind of want her to get across the river, right? I mean, do we really feel it with the demon? We just killed a bunch of the guys, right? I mean, maybe we can kill it with the demon? We just killed a bunch of the guys, right? I mean, maybe we can kill a demon. We're level six. That's the spirit. I feel.

Okay, sure. So just to be clear, you're not going to send a Ken Burns-style Civil War soldier message to Princess Caspia just yet, Nathan? My darling Caspia. Well, the tide has turned. It looks like being on the south side was a poor choice on my part.

Civil War. Yeah, no, I'm not going to do that. Nathan's going to run up and try and find his dagger. He threw it at that guy and missed, the dead guy. Yes. So he's going to run up here and try and recover that dagger. Sounds good. And then with the rest of his movement, is that a free action, Dan, to pick up my dagger?

Yeah, I will give you that. So then with the rest of my movement, I will go one, two, three, four. So then with the rest of my movement, I will go one, two, three, four. I'm trying to stay within 10 feet of Tootie, but not clump because I want to try and take advantage of his paladin aura stuff for saving throws. And as my action, I'm going to cast mage armor on myself. Well, yeah, very cool. Yeah. Very cool. Also, while we're speaking of 2D, do you have access to 2D's character sheet, Chris? Indeed I do!

Fantastic. You're going to want that soon. Yeah, I'm sure it'll be fine. I can't imagine why we would need 2D's powers. On his turn, the demon goes and starts making its way higher up the hill. And then something interesting happens. And I'm going to roll dice for it.

Are these called surrender dice, possibly? Yeah, they're called celebration dice. I roll them because you just won Dungeons and Dragons. And this is to determine how many cupcakes you get. Oh, I didn't know it was for cupcakes. Well, Guy is, Guy means cup and

Gax means cake. It's right there baked into the inventor. That makes sense. I'm sorry, the creator. This is a fun little mechanic I tried to come up with. I'm going to ask everyone to do a dexterity saving throw, please.

Oops. Dexterity. And I'll roll for a 2d2, right? Yes. Okay. I'm going to go around. Did anybody botch? Haven't rolled for me yet.

Ooh. No. No, no botch. Huzzah! Did anybody get under a five? No. Nope. Anybody get under a ten?

Yeah, Nathan got a seven. Got it. Anyone under 15? No. Great. So just Nathan is failing this dexterity saving throw. So you guys all hear a whistling sound for a moment and then a...

I'll hear a whistling sound for a moment. And then a... As a series of large spears start hailing down after having arced over the hill, apparently launched from the woods by the Galaxian army. Nathan, you are unfortunately hit. And I'm going to roll that damage right now. It was unfortunately a critical. Oh, boy. Now, most of these things did not connect at all. A critical, you say, Dan?

Yeah. You know, suddenly Nathan goes as the spears are flying towards him. Nathan's like, I've seen this before. I've seen it. If I just take a step here to the left, and he's going to use his portent to replace that critical with a 10, plus whatever your bonuses are. So it still may very well be hit,

but it hopefully won't be a critical. It is a 14 to hit. 14, you say. It still may very well be hit, but it hopefully won't be a critical. It is a 14 to hit. 14, you say? Okay, so normally his armor class is 12, but with that mage armor he just cast, it's now 15. So yay, Daisy. Did it. Whoa! You missed taking 28 points of piercing damage.

I mean, I imagine that fatal spear only lands like in the sand right between his thighs and it's a and he can feel it in his nuts. Yes. Yes, his tiny little rabbit nuts. Well, it's overlining, I guess. Yeah, there's this giant sort of pearled blue and green spear with slimy seaweed entwined around it, and this foot-long

steel head just goes, like right into sand between your legs. Nathan looks at the group. Holy shit, they're very serious about this. They mean to kill us. I'm really low on hit points, too. I forget. You are?

Oh, boy. Well, that's handy for our next character to know. Tootie. Hey, Chris. Yo. Danny is calling out like Nathan when he needs help. Yeah, so Tootie looks over at you. Danny is like, how you doing?

For hit points. Not so good. Okay. Remember, I was almost dead. I think, what do I actually have, Dan? Because I'm on, oh. Would it be on It should be something that you are tracking.

Either in pencil or I have not been keeping track of anyone's hit points for the last four seasons it was on it's on that other it's on the which should be on the thing we used it's on D&D Beyond yeah let me open it great

uh Blaine Brian looking for this is brought to you by Miss Construzies a BMX track just for mom Misk and Struzies a Cajun blasted chocolate shop

Misk and Struzies Dan I have Brian at 41 out of 41 hit points on D&D Beyond if you've taken damage it has not been noted on D&D Beyond. Nice. So if you've taken damage, it has not been noted on D&D Beyond. Ah, shit. Uh. What was it? It was 16

and 24. Brian's Math brought to you by Miss Construzzi's. A pet shop full of allergens. Miss Construzzi's. A health food store that's mostly beef. Miss Construzzi's. Dan?

Thank you, Blaine. You know, the more ads I hear from Miss Construzzi's, the more that I feel like Miss Construzzi's means me ill will. I don't know. There's a management thing over there it's like it's a family-owned thing and then they have a management company that runs it and i think they fight i'm at like four i'm at like four head boys oh shit okay yeah then yeah tootie will step uh i can't move his token but he'll step step five feet closer so he can lay his hands on Danny. And 2D has a pool of 30 hit points.

How many do you, what are you at? You're at five out of 41? Yeah, yeah. Four out of 41. Oh, sorry, four out of 41. yeah yeah four out of 41. oh sorry four out of 41. so if he gave you 35 ladies are down 35 he has 30. does it make sense for 2d to hang on to any in the reserve do we need to i i think 2d would uh he typically does try to save but maybe save one how about he gives danny save, but maybe save one?

How about he gives Danny 20 and hangs on to 10 as a reserve just in case? Because he's also a healer. So on the fly, as an action, 2D can also try and heal us in addition to spells and things. So how about Danny?

How about 25? He'll hang on to 5 hit points and he'll give you 25, Danny. That sounds very 2D-esque. And then he will move Danny, how about 25? He'll hang on to five hit points, and he'll give you 25, Danny. I'm at 29. That sounds very 2D-esque. And then he will move back. It doesn't necessarily have to be to the exact same space where he was, but I feel like spreading out is probably not a bad idea.

Sure. But again, he's aware of that healing radius that he has. So if you're within, and he will shout that out to the group, stay within ten feet! And if we, and just so everybody remembers, if you stay within ten feet of Tootie, he gives everybody plus two to saving throws.

Cool. Alright. That's Tootie's turn. Thank you. Thanks, Tootie. What a cutie, that Tootie. turn. Thank you. Thanks, Tootie. What a cutie, that Tootie. All right. So good work, sir. Then it's Princess Caspia's turn. She's swimming, swimming, swimming, swimming.

And then it is Jelf. You're up. You see Tootie run over and heal Danny next to you. And there's definitely been several calls back and forth about what to do about the demon coming over the hill. What to you and there's definitely been several calls back and forth about what to do about the demon coming over the hill what would you like to do do we see any

evidence of any other sort of troop movement on the top of the hill um let's see there was a spear did you see that guy try to kebab me? Well, I mean, this- Eight spears launched nearby that you can see.

Can I do some sort of check to see if I could figure out, like, based on the trajectory of the spears, how far back the other troops are behind the demon that's coming up behind us? I can give you a high DC number insight check. It'll be tricky. I'm going to need you to beat an 18 to get any read on it at all. I have a plus six.

It's a good bonus. But it was useless. I got a seven. Yeah, you didn't notice them until they were all whistling down. And they were so heavy, they must have had to move pretty fast through the air. You didn't really get enough of an eye on them midair. Okay. Dan, wasn't that your Arlo Guthrie album whistling down?

And covered in mucus. Blue-green mucus. That's one of my favorite things. You got to get that when you go to Alice's Restaurant. It's the blue-green mucus blue green mucus that's that's one of my favorite things you got to get that when you get at alice's restaurant is the blue green mucus uh i'm going to are are we trying to are we splitting up or are we staying in a group i would say so far everybody has pretty much held their ground except they've gathered a little bit around the tree because there's a slight bit of cover there's a body danny wanted to sort of hide behind military style and uh that's just sort of where everyone happened to be and you know danny's getting healed but no one's really made any kind of split up motion there's just i have on top of the hill yeah i was way up ahead uh oh up here

yeah i was just kind of going like like calling over her shoulder to you guys what she saw with the demon. And she's about to have her turn to do something new. So she's been there for six seconds. Okay. I'm thinking of heading over this way. Can I do that? Yeah. Heading over to this batch of trees because we have to eventually move up this way.

I guess this is north you can move 30 feet per turn I believe Jelf I can look at how accurate that is you're an elf so maybe you are speedy I'm 35 yeah you just moved yourself about 90 feet so you might want to nice humble your ass

a little bit but go about halfway not 90 you went 70 just back back it up a little bit okay i'm gonna i'm gonna try i know yeah i'm gonna try to head down this way and uh i'm good just gonna make sure that anything that comes over the top of the hill i'm gonna shoot cool thank you sir really really trying to play those dnd like movement rules oh yeah i try to do it all in the mind's eye the first couple of seasons and uh this is this is something we can say that hopefully

listeners will understand um so for instance right now iva is about 70 feet away from everybody just a little bit to the north and up this hill uh more to the west of everybody than anything um kind of at an angle and yet you're. More to the west of everybody than anything. Kind of at an angle. And yet, you're also kind of the tree, although, Jelf, you're moving sort of across to the larger patch of trees right on the water. Yeah, and those are trees that are still upright, right? Yeah, the one over by everybody else has fallen over.

Okay. From an ice ball. That smushed it. And I believe that'll do it for jelf yes yes i'm just heading for those trees ivy you're up okay so over the hill what i see is yeah so is there are there woods is there like the forest where these spears are coming from i think yeah so i'm gonna have you do sort of a retroactive you can do your tell me exactly what you want to know first um i guess do i want i want to see how far am i from is there like basically an open space on this hill and then woods and the spears came from the woods they definitely came from the the woodsy jungle um but if you want more than that i'll have you do some kind of insider perception role investigation uh persuasion medicine check all right insight is 20 inside

insight is 20. oh uh okay so yeah you feel like it's like it's back in the jungle. You know, the demon had already sort of emerged from the jungle by the time you looked over the hill. There's about 200 feet between you and the jungle. And this was like at least another 50 feet into the jungle. It was pretty far away. So I would say with a 20, I can tell you, these guys are small and those spears are enormous. Some sort of devices have clearly been dragged or wheeled With a 20, I can tell you these guys are small and those spears are enormous.

Some sort of devices have clearly been dragged or wheeled or something through the jungle to get there. Okay, so I am going to sneak as best I can. And can I sneak and use Boots of Speed at the same time? Do you think? You sneak and do what at the same time? And use Boots of Speed. Like, can I go so that I'm going fast and sneakily? Yes. Okay, so I'm gonna click my heels for Boots of Speed,

which will double my walking speed, and any creature that makes an opportunity attack against me has disadvantage. And then I'm gonna try to sneak into the jungle forest and set it on fire oh that is some classic nerd poker shit all right so that's gonna be pretty tricky obviously you're gonna go off the map a little bit um i'm gonna have you do first of all a very difficult stealth check because you're trying to zip around a demon um so i'm gonna i'm gonna call that an 18 dc but also uh it's pretty it's pretty far so what's the distance you can go now okay oh well i rolled a 24 on that check so amazing um

and the distance i can go let's, because my normal distance is 25. Walking speed is 25 feet. And I believe I just said that my boots of speed double that. So 50. You're about half, you're like, you're like halfway the distance you need to be west. You're kind of starting to curve in but you've got at least another hundred feet to the jungle i understand i'm just doing what i can yeah it's gonna take a couple of turns is basically the gist of what i'm saying so on the map just so

you get a sense i'm gonna scoot you kind of like all the way in the top left corner and we'll just say until you come back on the map that's representative of your like longitude you're like back and forth so you're just kind of like way up there um but you're a few more you're like another 10 or 15 feet north uh and so up next so danny again danny you feel like this might be your last chance to do something before a horrible face peeks up over the hill what you want to do uh go a wall um no uh bc boys um excuse me i will uh There's a new guy right there, right? A new guy right where? Next to me.

Oh, no, that's a corpse that didn't get marked yet. Excuse me. OK, they're both corpses. Cool. He was he was underneath Jeff's token and he appeared. They're both token. They're both. OK, Jeff made a poop and it was a monster.

Wow. Love're both dead. Jeff made a poop and it was a monster. Wow. Love you, Billy. Thanks, Brian. I wish I felt the same way. Wow. Truth teller. My heart belongs to the church. Oh, that's cool.

Oh, weird. Yeah, you can, you know. I'm going to fire a bolt as soon as... Well, I'm still going to wait. You can keep holding your action, sure. I mean, you don't have to do anything fancy. We can just truck right through the turn order until it's real action time. Yeah, you're holding your action.

Nathan, what are you doing? Same deal. Nathan's going to hold an attack until he sees the whatever, the giant behemoth thing that Iva was warning everybody about. Great. And that is going to take us to the daemon. This thing just as soon as its head comes over the crest of the hill, it starts roaring. soon as its head comes over the crest of the hill it starts roaring um and just this horrible steaming white slime just rockets out of its head and jets it's just absolutely disgusting

i'm gonna bring him in token wise uh you don't have to no there he is what a prick he sure is who guys got this so he is going to look around for someone to fuck up he is

let's see up that's gonna be Danny oh shit are you fucking kidding me but Danny He is, let's see, up. That's going to be Danny. Oh shit, are you fucking kidding me? But Danny, you see this thing as it's lowering his head like at you, steaming slime just oozing out of its face. You have been ready for this moment. It's time to use your turn.

What would you like to do? Fire those crossbow? Yes. Roll that die, boss. 18? Nice. That's a hit. Nice. And then, let's see.

Is it the same as a dart on my chart what no what would the crossbow bolt it is plus 6 to hit and then 1d8 plus 3 for damage 1d8 plus 3 cool

that was my point next for damage. 1d8. Cool. That was my point. Next. 1d4 plus 3 for a dart. 6 plus 3. Okay, and so that is piercing damage. I'm just gonna... Yeah, so this thing goes

in it and into its skin and then uh it kind of snorts and you just see the the crossbow bolt kind of go and like fall and hit the sand uh as it is it sort of flexes the bolt

out of itself so you did some damage but um well fuck you. He appears to have resistance to piercing damage. Okay. That it for your turn? You gonna do a little something something too? No, I mean...

You get two attacks per action, so you can fire again if you like. Yeah, I would. Yeah. Go for it. Uh, no. Yeah, it would. Yeah, go for it. No. No hit. OK, so that one will just sort of fly right under its armpit. Up next, we have Nathan, who is also holding his action for something like this to happen. Dan, when you describe this thing, I'm trying to imagine what I'm seeing.

Is it seen, you said it's more like acid-y, drippy kind of a creature? Um, it's not like anything you've seen before. It looks like water with saliva mixed in it, but there's this hot steam rising off of it. Coming out of its mouth, but its body isn't made of steam. No, correct. Its body is scaly and moist. Hmm. All right, well, I'm going to give it a shot.

Nathan's going to cast his second fireball at this thing. It has to make a DC 14 deck save. Wowzers. All right. DC 14. Here we go. And that's going to be a 22 great so it's going to take half

of what I'm about to roll it's 8d6 damage I only have 2d6 I have to roll 4 times so the first one is a total of 3 8 so that's a total of 11 and another 11 so a total of 11, uh, and another 11. So a total of 22 and then seven.

So a total of 29. So half of that. So what is that? 14? Yes. So, yeah. So it only takes, sorry. It takes 14 fireball damage.

Cool. So you all see Nathan just raise his little bunny arms up and summon this massive meteor of flame and he just throws his hands forward and this fireball goes like right into this thing's face.

And horribly, it just sort of like and like steams off of this thing. And it like shakes its head and pounds its chest. And it did some damage, but not much. That's what I was worried about. Okay.

Nathan will, oh boy. Nathan will fall back to one, two, three. He's going to sort of spread out to the far side of this palm tree that's been shattered to try and get some kind of cover. Do you want to hide? I don't think I can

because I used my action to do that. I mean, if I could. I forget what bunny tricks you got up your sleeve with that. Oh, but as a rogue, when do you get that bonus? I do, but I don't think I get it until second level. I'm still first level. got up your sleeve with that. Oh, but as a rogue, when do you get that bonus? I do, but I don't think I get it until second level. I'm still first level.

That's another thing, yeah. I'm just trying to leave openings for you guys when I think there's a chance. Yeah, I think his instinct is to try and get cover, but as D&D mechanics go, I don't think I can yet. Noted for me and the listeners. Thank you, sir. Okay, so

that's going to do it for the folks with held actions. This thing is going to now take its turn. Boo! And it's going to just sort of like whip its head from Danny over to Nathan, who just did the most recent damage to it. Let's see.

I'm just going to double check the distance, if it can do what I want it to do. I got something for you. Or if that will be too far away. Turn it up. Nope, it can reach Nathan. Sorry, bunny boy. It can reach Nathan. Sorry, Bunny Boy.

It's going to do this. So it sort of like shakes its head back and forth in this sort of like serpent-like motion and then leans forward. And this spout of what looks like water flies out of its mouth and slams towards you. Will it hit you? Let's find out. I'm going to need you to do a strength saving throw.

Oh, boy. Guys, don't worry. My bonus is negative one. I'm sure it'll be fine. Well, I rolled a six. So, Dan, I think that's a 29 nope it's a five sorry um yeah you're gonna need a 17 to beat this no unfortunately roll 17 oh good call 17 so wait what yeah uh Wait, what? Yeah.

Just rolling some dice, rolling some dice. You are going to take 19 points of acid damage. Oh, gross. And at the same time, you take, like, you just feel the water spout magically wrap itself around your body. And like a frog's tongue, you just get ripped towards this demon. Towards? Yes. Interesting.

It lifts you up and just pulls you right up to its face. Oh, that far? Wow. Yes. Interesting. It lifts you up and just pulls you right up to its face. Oh, that far. Wow. Yes. Danny! Danny, why? It is now going to attempt to bite you as you fly towards its mouth. Overkill. Yes.

mouth overkill yes it's gonna be 27 to hit oh for sure Jesus Christ I hate this and 21 points of piercing damage are you unconscious? no but I'm down to 10 hit points you know we're only level 5 or 6 what's your armor class? 15 with my mage armor alright it now tries to with one of its scythe What's your armor class, Nathan? Fifteen with my mage armor. All right.

It now tries to, with one of its scythe-like claws, smash you out of its mouth and onto the ground. The first time, it sort of whiffs as you're kicking around in its mouth. I feel like it could just release me. The second time, it swings with its other claw, it hits. So you're going to go flying into the sand, but you're only going to take a lot less damage. Six points of slashing damage.

Are those my guts? You are now lying prone on the ground in front of the demon. Yikes, my goiks. You are also poisoned. Poisoned, God. What the hell? Well, it's a demon. That's what the hell.

Yep. I hate him. And up next. You guys hear a whistling sound. Dan is smiling slightly, and I want everyone to know that. How dare you? I mean, you never want to do a dexterity saving throw. Nathan, you have disadvantage.

Copy, including me. Let me do. No, no, I've you are out of range dexterity. You said yes, sir. Okay. To the crushing it. To the other 16. Danny Danny destroyed it. 2d got a 16. Danny.

Danny destroyed it. 21. Nice. What'd you get, Jelf? 18 plus 2, 24. Oh, you all managed to dodge as more spears in the beach. And Iva, you hear in the jungle. Nathan got a 19, just so you know.

Perfect. Thank you. I forgot you were rolling for two. That's okay. Iva, you hear a loud clanging noise in the jungle as one of those spear-launching machines is apparently botched. You're not sure what happened exactly. And 2D is up. Spear-launching machine?

Jesus Christ. Interesting thing when you look at Tootie's character sheet, he has no ranged weapons. He is exclusively up close. So, knowing that, Tootie will charge

up to the thing. I can't move his thing, but he will move into melee, but he has a glaive, so he doesn't have to move into 5 feet. He can't move his thing, but he will move into melee, but he has a glaive, so he doesn't have to move into five. He can move up to 10 feet, so he's within glaive melee of the thing. Okay.

And he will... I will move his token, but I will also, for next episode, give you access to move him. Cool. Thank you. So he's going to swing his glaive at the thing and he's going to be like back to hell with you

beast. Ooh. That's not great. He got for his first attempt a 14 to hit. That's a miss. Alright. He will swing with the glaive one more time. Oh, not much better. 15.

Another miss. Unfortunately, this thing just manages to quickly slink to the side with its serpent like body as 2D swings at it with his glaive. All right. That's it for 2D. Great. Will you adjust his token? I gave you access.

Got it. From where you want it exactly yeah it's fine he could be next to well yeah it would just be so he's not an immediate melee with the thing he'll be just exactly 10 feet away got it don't have to worry about attacks of opportunities and stuff like that and up next somewhere on her turn now the princess desperately tries to swim to the other side of the river before the magic runs out. And we'll have to find out how that went on the next episode of Nerd Poker. Oh my. Hey, Sam.

Hi. How do you think today's episode went, narratively speaking? Today we're in battle. Nathan almost got his sweet gorgeous body speared but rolled out of harm's way. I was trying to sneak around, or excuse me is sneaking around at an exceptional speed. Danny shot a crossbow at a

demon while it was spitting goop at us and Nathan made a fireball but it did little damage. This demon is strong and it pulled Nathan into its mouth before spitting him out. This was a very bad day for us. If you have a little empathy and you look at it from the demon's point of view,

it was a very good day. Hmm. That's a sweet notion. There you go. Dan, anything you want to plug? Sure. Most of my tour dates are canceled due to the Delta variant,

but I have one date left the final one of the tour and it's in Florida. So probably all of them will be canceled, uh, because Florida is the current epicenter, but, uh, I still have a lot of writing coming out. So please keep an eye on,

uh, watch the dragon Prince on Netflix, you guys, because I have a tabletop role playing game coming out and I would love if on uh watch the dragon prince on netflix you guys because i have a tabletop role-playing game coming out and i would love if you would check it out when it happens cool can you cancel my stuff uh i'm supposed to be in buffalo and philly in october we'll see uh nothing september but brianpassane.com for all your tour dates uh and then uh RyanPassane.com for all your tour dates. And then more comical book news soon.

Ooh. Yeah. That's exciting. Anything else? I have a movie called Overrun. It releases. It may have already released by this point, August 17th. Lots of screaming and cussing and shooting people.

If you like that sort of thing. Cool. I do. Oh, cool. That sounds fantastic. I like the cussing and shooting people. If you like that sort of thing. I do. That sounds fantastic. I like the cussing part especially. Can you give us an example of a cuss? Why you dirty rat's butthole! Like that.

I like that. For like 90 minutes. I'm in. Blaine? I'm going to be doing a game show with Jimmy Pardo at Flappers on September 1st, if that's still around, after the unpleasantness.

But up until then, I think this weekend, Stacey Keech and I are going to go to the hospital and he likes to go down there and make fun of kids that hurt themselves doing dumb shit. Ha! Weird choice of places in the hospital to visit. That ward in particular.

You know what? It's like a roast. His heart's in the right place and the kids get it. Right on. Make sure to check out our merch, you guys. We've got all kinds of cool cups and mugs and even pencil cases

over on nerdpokerpod.com. I appreciate your ears and them doing what they were born to do. And anybody who uses a device to help them hear it or appreciate the show also in any other way. Is that your new sign up, Brian? I love it. Thanks for listening to another episode of Nerd Poker. You can follow

us at patreon.com slash nerdpoker, and you get bonus episodes from there, and you can also send us anything at P.O. Box 16069 Encino, California 91416. Thanks for listening.