Nerd Poker - S4E51 Castaway Cuties Versus The Gillaxian Army

Episode Date: August 31, 2021

What's a little battle between our heroes and an entire fish army armed with a demon and war machines? Seems like this is gonna go great!

Hey everybody, I'm Brian Poussin, Comedian, writer, actor, nerd. I've been playing D&D with my friends for a long time. I decided to do a new podcast where we play Dungeons & Dragons in my very own dining room. With my wife, kid, and my noisy dogs. So meet my friends... Sarah Kev Dan

Lee Chris Now it's time for another episode of Brian Pussain's Nerd Poker. Season 4. Hey, everybody. I'm Brian Pussain, and you're listening to Brian Pussain's Nerd Poker. Episode 51. My friends are here.

Look at them. There's Blaine. Hello, Blaine. Oh, hey. Hi hi ken is here hey buddy how do you do chris is here oh brian you caught me just stepping out of the shower well oh nice sorry uh cactus man is here i mean. Oh, you recognize me from behind the cactus. Son of a shit. Sarah is here.

Hello, Sarah. Hello, Brian. And, oh my God, he looks mad. Now he doesn't. Sam, our engineer, everybody. Hello, sweet children. Ramen looks so cozy in your arm. Yeah asleep he's asleep is he really he looks like he's been drugged hey hey ramen hello let me turn the speakers on let him rest do it hey ramen oh he kind of slightly I introduced a Dan

to his dream oh there he is hey sweet boy his pink belly what a sweet boy well that'll do it for NerdPoker you guys thanks for tuning in everybody you guys saw nothing

yeah we just all thought about a dog that we were looking at great content folks ramen is hypnotizing i have an idea what if i acted on all the gratitude deep within my soul what would that be like you guys like that i can tell from your silence i love it i love it i love it dan i love it oh whoa whoa sounds like i'm gonna do something about it and i'm gonna recite some patreon supporters who support us at the hay boss or stargoyle tears on patreon you're very special people thank you aaron listening from ecuador murphy thank you awesome thank you thank you Nikki DeGrossier have fun pronouncing my last name and protect Gus

whoopsie doodle thank you Dr. Balls paging Dr. M.F. Balls thank you thank you Robert Nichols thank you Le Twig. Thanks, Le Twig. So sure. Thank you, Billy's Cinderblock

Airport Bag. Thank you for charging me extra for it. Thank you, Danny's Bahamut-sized Math Class Oops Boner. Oh, no. Thank you, Shane. Thank you, Natural22, if I have to math class oops boner oh no thank you Shane thank you natural 22 if I have to explain

I'm sending money to the wrong podcast thank you JJ Lee thank you Blaine's low-key Mr. Whipple joke hey uh this Charmin man JJ Lee. Thank you Blaine's low-key Mr. Whipple joke. Hey, this charming man. Thanks, Cookiefish. Thank you. If I had one wish,

I'd bring back that kid Blaine lit up. It'll never go away. No, and it'll land like a thud 100% of the time we reference it thank you Chris B thank you thank you I see you shiver with

antissa hyphen hyphen thank you Melissa Campbell thank you oh wait we have a really long one I have to expand the patient spreadsheet again thank you matt mendoza marketing manager at the haunted airport where blaine's dead jokes go to land run by gus and that kid blackie lit and then it's done uh formerly formerly hudson news

blackie green did not light up the kid it was Twee, Twee did it Blackie Green is innocent that's my t-shirt Blackie Green is innocent, Gam of Lod thank you Gam of Lod get it? thank you Caleb Evans thank you

good old Island of Dr. Moreau reference, thank you Brando's Jowls. Thanks, Brando. Thank you. Thank you, Kender's Rule. And thank you finally, Black Miro. Thank you.

Hey, Blaine, who are those Patreon supporters brought to us by you? Those Patreon supporters brought to us by AdFuture. Oh. Yeah. This Patreon Spore is brought to us by Ad Future Oh Yeah You missed it last week

Ken there's a new bit If it doesn't get all over outer space It doesn't belong On Bleezer 4 Carl's Junior Junior Junior Junior Junior Junior Junior Please, Oric 4. Carl's Jr., Jr., Jr., Jr., Jr., Jr., Jr. Dan? Remember when you got high and broke into that arcade

and everything got real weird? Oh, my God. No? Leaned on the Space Invaders machine and had a two-hour hallucination? Oh, right. Fantastic. In the moment of dead silence

there at the end of that as everyone was contemplating it I don't know if you all heard my child scream I need to go potty really loud but I feel like it was perfect wow who could forget those days of our youth when we had to scream announce such things to the entire

I have to go why won't fate allow it oh boy oh boy um well folks I've gotten through the thanks and now it is time for me to remind everybody what happened last time on nerd poker

the castaway cuties are mid combat with some kind of fucking water demon we now bring you to that so you guys are you know The castaway cuties are mid-combat with some kind of fucking water demon. We now bring you to that. So you guys are, you know, tussling with this thing. Ken missed it, but we described to him in the break what was happening.

Ken, I see, is logged into roll 20. We are currently in the same turn order that you saw before. And you are the same turn order that you, uh, you saw before and you are the last one to have gone, unfortunately. So this is going to be, you're going to want to really contemplate your next move, Ken, because we've finally got you back and you just went, um, poor timing, um, on my part. I should have ended the episode early and then just done a little soft shoe dance for the camera and the time that we spent having chris roll for you but unfortunately we're going to do uh jelf jelf you were trying to run towards the trees to the west there are some

trees to the west there's some palm trees to the west that have not been knocked down like the one everyone else has kind of bunched around with the demon. Are you going to keep running? I'm going to keep running. I'm going to try to loose a couple of arrows on my way as I head over this way. Great. Yeah, you were right about there, Aziz, and you go 35 feet. So remember that arrow ends. So 19 plus 4 is a 23. Well, you can go about 10 feet farther towards the trees if you want

and that is a hit Ah okay and then that is a 1d8 plus 4 It's a 7 plus 4 so 11 and then I'm going to shoot again but I'm going to do an exploding arrow

on this one. All right. And that is a 17 plus 4 is a 21. Ooh, that's a hit. The 8, so 6 plus 4 is 10 plus 2d6 exploding stuff. That's a 1, a 6, so another 7. So 17. All right. 2d6 exploding stuff as a 1 6 so another 7 so 6 uh so 17 all right yeah you know you're really pummeling this guy with arrows jelf but same kind of thing you notice these this particular kind of damage is just not quite uh sticking the way you had hoped it would this This thing's got really resilient hide and high amounts of fire damage

and piercing damage just seem to be, you know, boiling off its skin really fast into steam and like arrows that seem to like get between scales, maybe have a drop of blood come out, but then the arrow pops out as the skin rejects the arrow. Like it's pretty tough. Okay. So just a reminder from last episode, this is

a tough go in this guy. So I think that'll do it for your turn, yeah? Yeah, I'm just going to keep moving through these trees. Great. Iva, you are up up okay um so one thing about this turn and i wonder if we could or should retcon it into the last turn is that i should be able to use well should i be dashing first of all we you we you retcon police are here

what'll dash do for you iva will it give you a few more? Cause you didn't use your action. So. Right. So, because I know I can use dash as a bonus action, but I would think that I would have been able to use it just as a regular action. So I am pretty sure that it doesn't matter.

I mean, it matters in that you can't do everything for a bonus action on an action, but in this case you weren't really using your action. So yeah. I guess I don't know. I just thought that would get me farther and i was yeah it will it will i'm uh i'm gonna look that up um if you can dash as a bonus action then you can move dash and then you can you can dash twice basically as an action and then as bonus action the question is can you do it while you're being stealthy? And there's some, I guess, debate on that, but the DM's discretion,

I did roll pretty high. So I will give you at that high roll that you can do both. I'm just trying to look up. So dash is weird. So you can double your let's see it increases your speed it's equal to it uh after applying modifiers so it does it does double what you were getting off of the shoes too okay so with this shoes i got 50 feet and so i should have been able to dash and then dash again. So I, right. So I should have been able to go a hundred feet on that first turn.

So you're almost in the jungle last turn. Okay. So then I'm going to get to the, to the jump. My plan is to go. Yeah. You're going to be able to just enter it with one dash. Okay. Roll that stealth please okay because

you are kind of going through open sand you're trying to like duck like just under like curves of the sand in the dune and along the crest as much as possible well that's a 24 again amazing well you've reached the jungle and you want to set it on fire if i remember correctly yes can i do that now or do i have to wait till my remember correctly yes can i do that now or do i have to wait till my next turn uh you can do that now but there's two different kinds of fire you can just say i'm setting a fire um and i'll decide how well that goes based off of the jungle and just the basic flint and steel or you can try to come up with some sort of contraption or technique to accelerate the fire and i will have you roll to do that yes

my plan is to soak my rope with oil and then to thread it through like 50 feet of the like i know it's a jungle-y forest so it's probably there's probably it's probably moist um but as the through the driest areas i can try to find and then I'm going to set the whole length on fire. And then I'll try to go attack the machines directly. Sounds like a survival check to me. Ken, there are spear machines. That's fucked. I am going to use a luck point to reroll that survival check.

There are also spear mint rhinos. That's a 14. All right. So for every four on that number, I'm giving you a tree that you've weaved between. So that's going to be three, three trees. And you light it up and yeah,

it's burning. It hasn't caught the trees yet. It's going to take at least, you know, a turn or two, but you've, you've definitely got a fire going and you're now in the jungle about 50 feet in the jungle.

Will you roll a perception? Welcome to the jungle. about 50 feet in the jungle will you roll a perception check? Na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na Welcome to the jungle! That's a 10. We got ropes and fire! That's a great Axel Rose impression, you're welcome. You can tell how dare you make that face, Chris Tallman.

Sounded like Gilbert doing Axel. That is exactly how I'm going to now follow up every impression that was a great impression that I just did that is hilarious uh yeah you can see another like hundred feet these massive

things are you can't quite tell what they are but you see sort of their silhouettes right behind the foliage there's these machines that are the size of wagons and they're being you know scuttled about on by some sort of beings in the distance it would take probably another couple of dashes to get there um can't this turn okay right got it you've used all your your actions movement, I believe. I understand. Okay.

But I wanted to give you a heads up as that's where you are, and it's a change of scenery, and we should talk about it if you realize. So up next in the turn order is Danny. Brian Posehn of Brian Posehn's Nerd Poker. Ooh. Oh, is he here? Mm-hmm. Let's show.

Yes. He had a camera in his bathroom. Let's take a look at that clip. Oh, no. Have you guys heard that pizza episode? One where Brian eats pizza in his bathroom? Uh-huh. That's COVID.

Let's see. Those guys aren't on me. No, you know, you, uh. The main target is that big, fat ball sack right there. Yeah. He's trying to eat me, Danny. Yeah, right now Nathan is seriously fucked up laying on the ground in front of it. Oh, well, then I'm going to grab Nathan and bring him back away from the thing.

I can't heal him, but I'm going to get him a little bit. You can drag him 10 feet back. So I'm going to put him right about here next to the corpses, and you can be next to him right there. And then do I get one more? Can I fire off a shot or no? Yes. All my action. Okay.

I will also fire a bolt. A crossbow bolt. And here we go. Yeah. 16's not a hit, right? Afraid not, sir. Damn it.

That's going to clank off of his very thick hide. Missed him by that much. But on the bright side, Nathan is now being raised to his feet in front of you. He's a little dizzy and poisoned, but... Danny, you saved me. Well, you called for me. That's what happens. We're friends. Yes, and called for me. That's what happens. We're friends. Yes, and I will do the same for you someday, I hope.

Nathan, it's your turn. Ooh, I will turn towards the creature and cast Chill Touch. So I have to make an attack roll to see if I can hit the sumbitch. It's my favorite Billy Squire record. 16? I'm afraid not. I taste

pennies. Stroke! Danny, thank you for saving me. I shall protect you, my friend! And then I will spread out and go one, two, three, four, five, six, sort of back here

amongst the rubble of the smashed palm tree. Got it. Sorry about that chill touch up next is the monster who is a little sad that there is not a delicious rabbit laid in front of it in the sand

fuck off well I'm afraid he won't he should well he'll take that under advisement yes you should take it to the board. What are they paying him? We'll double it. He's going to lurch forward up towards Tootie.

And he's going to attempt to bite you, Tootie. Fucker. Ooh. As always, if you're a paladin and you see your dungeon master move a monster up in your face, you should check all of your paladin powers to see if there's anything that'll allow you to smack it.

Smack it up, flip it, rub it down. Mm-hmm. You have that power? I love paladin powers. This bite is going to be a 20 to hit, 2D. Oof-da. Uh-huh. Oof-da.

I think that's a hit, then. Are you Swedish? Yeah. Yeah, I'm from Sweden. Yeah, yeah, you're from... Minnesota, Wisconsin thing. It's from Trading Places. You're the old my rucksack?

Wait, that's from Trading Places? Someone says, Uvda, and they say, are you Swedish? No, no. No, no. She goes, yeah, I'm from Sweden. With a bad accent. I have my cousin, Stevia, taught me some artificial Swedish.

My grandmother was 100%. My grandmother, Clara Peterson. So was my grandmother, Mary Jane Sparrow. Rest in peace. Oh, really? Swedish? Yeah. Man, we got a bunch of Swedes up in here.

Do you think that's where we got some of our size, you and me? Yes, yes. That's why we are Scandinavian giants, Brian. I was startled at how tiny I was when I was in Amsterdam. I really felt like a

Muppet. Oh, compared to? Everybody was huge. It was like treants. Tootie! Yes, sir. First of all, it's going to bite you for 20 points of piercing damage.

No. Jesus. Dan, we're supposed to be friends. I don't like this creature. It takes a swipe at you with one of its scythe-like claws and whiffs. Good. It takes a swipe with another one and connects for 21 points of slashing

damage. Oh, boy. No, sir, I don't like this creature one bit. No. Then I'm gonna need you to do a strength saving throw. What? Please don't die. Okay. Jesus Christ. Shut up just in time. What is this fucking thing called

anyway? What am I doing? Okay. It looks like a hook arm Jar Jar Binks with a ball sack body. Ball sack body is interesting interpretive wise. I really thought you said ball sack.

So that was extra weird. Who could forget Balzac? So my saving throw was a nine. Okay. So it's going to lean down and smash

into you. It's going to lean down and smash into you. It's steam acid breath. And you're going to get knocked back 60 feet. Oh my God. 60 feet. I'm fine. Everything's great. Yeah.

You'll be fine traveling 60 feet. So that's going to be pretty far back. Now you're out of range. Yeah, you're... At least. You're, let's see, in the water. Prone. Perfect. Right there.

Exactly where you wanna be. I shouldn't laugh because I have bad news to deliver and it makes me sound callous I'm also going to have some bad news for damage uh you're gonna take 19 points of acid damage

yep done oh man and 2d goes unconscious. Ah. I would say you all notice 2D lands in shallow water, but the waves wash over him and he disappears. You notice he does not rise out of the water

as he continues to lay underwater unconscious. I'm going for him. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Up next, I'm going to need everybody to do a dexterity saving throw Dan as soon as I'm ready I'm going for him I'm gonna I saw where he went down

you all would have definitely watched that horrible shit go down yeah you all saw exactly what happened except for iva unfortunately um i the natural 20 on my uh oh nice uh skyrim hoodie thanks not doing anybody any good today sorry i'm even here just off in the woods setting things on fire interesting terrible did anybody get under a five with their uh dexterity saving throw nope did anybody get under a ten i got a six okay uh nathan you're to take 13 points of piercing damage

can I ask you a quick question yes boss after Nathan was attacked yes sir was the last game when was my chance to cast rebuke the violent or to use rebuke the violent

after someone is attacked. And I thought that was when I would have used it. That's why I didn't use it now. All right, let me look up the rules for Rebuke the Violent, because I don't think we've used that yet. And that's typically when I learn shit. Yeah, sorry to skip back. No, that's a good Sorry to skip back. I thought I couldn't use it.

That's a good thing to talk about. When someone's attacked, it attacks the attacker. It's a reaction. So, it's a reaction when someone else is attacked. Yeah, like Nathan. Okay.

Rebuke the violent immediately after an attacker within 30 feet deals damage with an attack against a creature other than you so that would have happened to Nathan you can use your reaction to force the attacker to make a wisdom saving throw on failure the attacker takes radiant damage

equal to the damage it just dealt wow alright damage equal to the damage it just dealt. Wow. All right. I thought that chance had lapsed. That's why I didn't do it. No, but you know what? Holy shit. That would have, I will say 2D would have done that.

But Chris wasn't familiar. Yeah. And it was right at the end of the episode where you were coming in and you're saying it the very first chance you're getting, narratively speaking. Guys, clearly I should not be running 2D. Well, look it's weighing down on the actions.

In the name of fair play because Ken hasn't really like gotten to do anything yet and I just nuked him. Let's let 2D see this. Hopefully this works. Yeah, wisdom saving throw. An 11.

Hey! That's a fail. All right, so he is going to take a whole shitload of radiant damage. And when he did this retroactively, yeah, he is shrieking. It is bad news. You just see he goes back. It makes him extra pissed at you, unfortunately. And it narratively justifies him going after you.

Yeah, but he still does that. And of course, it is just a little more motivated on his part, we'll just say. Extra, extra read all about it. Demon irritated. Castaway cuties and deep shit extra. Nathan also gets playing by one of these spears, and it sounds like Nathan's down.

Oh, Danny. Danny, you see your friend Nathan just by the tree get thunked while the rest of these spears go into the beer, into the beer, into the beach. Okay. I've got an eye on him, but I'm focused on 2D first. Yeah, 2D, unfortunately, is your healer and is... It's not good to do a death saving throw underwater while you're unconscious. 2D, you're up. It's going to be a...

You're doing a death-saving throw, and then you're getting an automatic failure on top of that because you're underwater. So, I don't do a debt-saving throw. You're choking on water as you do. 20, right? Yeah, you roll a 20. You want to over...

You got 10 rep. 10 rep. That's an 11. Hey! One success, one fail. You hey one success one fail you're one in one god oh my goodness uh uh up next uh princess cospia somewhere swims with a hammer and a hat uh Jelf, you're up. I'm heading for Tootie as fast as I can. Great. So just I'll show you on the map. He is within running range. So you can get

20 feet to him and lift him out of the water. I'm gonna grab and drag him up to shore. You can get him 10 feet up. So I'm gonna show you where that's gonna be. You can get him just barely out of the water right there. Okay. I'm gonna drag him over to the snack bar and order some fries. Is there anything you're going to try?

Do you have any sort of healing potions? Do you, are you going to try to? No, I have a couple of bottles of alcohol. Oh. Yeah, that's about it. All right, so unfortunately, that's going to. I'm going to, I have a couple of Bactine chewables

I'm gonna give him a couple of Bactine chewables in exchange for this announcement no I have nothing I'm gonna bind his wound see what I can do but just get him I'm just gonna get him out of harm's way try to drag him towards these trees so let's see um so let's see I'm just trying to see

like what you can do here Blaine can I get a commercial while I find out what you're doing here oh yeah this Dan looking for stuff is brought to you by Hearts Mountains Hump Light, the fleshlight for dogs from the makers of cat dildos, strap-on cockatoos,

double-headed snakes, and guinea plugs. Ow! Yeah! The Hump Light, fleshlight for dogs, only from Hearts Mountain. Dan? Gross. That? Gross.

That's rough. That's real rough. Alright, I'm just trying to figure this out. For some reason, every time this happens, I'm trying to figure out if you can bind wounds, if it really does anything. Dan, do you need a second? Yes. Let me bring this up.

I can't even listen to the content of AdFuture because I'm so taken by Blaine, the music and all the effects and stuff like that. So when Blaine did the first one, he did, was it Safety Foam, Blaine plane is that what that was it was safety phone yes it's i'm so delighted as a listener to this show to the payoff for ad classic is ad future i feel like it's such a treat i was trying to figure out where all the commercials would go if there would still be a Paul Bunyan Ford or what the BF Goodwater guy would be up to. But I just...

Oh, my God. I saw it a couple minutes ago. Yeah, it's great. Thank you, Chris. That means a lot. Absolutely. In fifth edition, it's not called Binding Wounds. It's just called Stabilizing.

You need to do a medicine check and get 10 or better. Okay. I have a plus 3. Nice. A 9 plus 3 is a 12. Great. So he's stabilized. He is no longer going to have to do death saving throws.

He's not dying. You managed to administer first aid but uh he is still at zero hit points and unconscious okay uh then i'll just uh i'm gonna do a uh he ain't heavy he's my brother thing and just fireman's carry him as fast as i can yeah you're starting that you're starting that fireman's carry but but you're not going to get any more movement this turn, unfortunately. Up next, we've got Iva. Hey, Iva. Hi.

You've noticed during that last lobby, volley of spears from the machines, and one of the machines seems to be having problems. It botched again, but you see there's just this this spear like cracked in half and flack and shrapnel kind of flew everywhere and a couple of the fish people went like and like ran around in circles um looks like it's not working anymore so uh you uh can see that it's about a hundred feet away.

And you kind of look over your shoulder and the jungles catching on fire. Great. Okay. So what I'd like to do is let's see, how far am I from the nearest, like guys, the nearest, like guys,

like, like a, like a thing you put on, like to fool people, like, guys, like, like a thing you put on, like, to fool people. The nearest dudes, the nearest people, the nearest things. Yeah, you're about a hundred feet You're about a hundred feet away from Galaxians and fifty feet into the jungle from the beach.

Okay, so what I'd like to do is get within eighty feet of them, and I'm going to light an arrow on fire also. Why not? Beautiful. And then try to shoot them. And then it doesn't even matter if I hit, and then I'm going to use my bonus action to dash and go back to the beach. Just try to set a little extra fire, yeah. I have a paper bark.

Roll to attack. I think Iva just wants to burn everybody in the world. Yeah, shit got real twee up in here. Oh no, okay. What? I'm going to use another, it actually does matter to me whether this, I'm going to use one, I'm going to use another left point to reroll that.

Oh, actually, wait a minute. This would be a sneak attack, right? Mm-hmm. So, um... Oh, wait, hang on. I'm gonna find... Oh, yeah, never mind. Okay, so I'm gonna use luck again,

and this would be a sneak attack. So I'm gonna use a luck point to roll again, and that time it's a 20 to hit. All right. a sneak attack, so I'm going to use a luck point to roll again, and that time it's a 20 to hit. All right. Roll some damage for me, please. Okay, so then it's going to do an extra damage. Okay, so I'm going to do... It's going to do five points plus...

So that's going to do 18 points of damage and hopefully set something else on fire it goes into the jungle and you just see one of these fish folks is just it just bursts into flames and is running around in a circle it It's still in silhouette, but, boy, is it lit up. And, yeah, it's just sort of panicking and running around like a chicken with its head cut off. In the area where all of the spear launchers are. Okay, so then I'm going to use my bonus action to dash back to the beach. Great. And they're very distracted. You do not need to do a stealth check.

The jungle is on fire and one of them is on fire. As you run back towards the beach, you're still about 100 feet away from the hill and getting back onto the battle map. So just as a mind's eye moment. Danny, Brian Posehn of Brian Posehn and Friends. Guess what? Once again, it's your turn

and yeah you see Jelf has got your bud pulled out of the water but Nathan is still splayed out in the sand okay I'm gonna go to Nathan okay and pull him back into

some kind of cover you can get him in pretty good cover behind this tree. Would you like to stabilize Nathan? Yes. Roll a medicine check, please. We would like a tenner better. That's weird.

Use the royal way to describe the dungeon master. Well, we all would, the dungeon master. Ugh. We all would, though. Yeah. Yeah. Hey, can you taint your fingers a little bit, Dan? I don't know what my bonus is, let me look, but... I think it's like a plus 20, Brian, your bonus. Oh, I actually do have a fairly good medicine bonus.

So he's got 21, 16 plus 5. Great. Whoa! I'm going to give you a hit point with that. So you're no longer zero. Danny, you said that's good to know. Danny, I'm alive. You're welcome, friend. Thank you, friend.

Friends forever, Danny. Our children will play together on a sunny hill one day. Yep, that's how pals roll. Yes. Nathan, you awaken with one hit point. You're like shaking real woozy, but you're up. Great. Nathan will turn and look at the thing.

I should have fired a crossbow bolt after I saved him, right? Or no? Sorry. You used your action to help him. So sadly, that's your turn. Yes. There's no sadly. I don't resent it.

Don't worry, my friend. I also have a crossbow. And Nathan will pull out his crossbow and fire at the creature. All right. 20 to hit, Dan. Whoa. Is that before bonus or? No, that's with bonus.

I apologize. Lovely. Roll your damage. All right. four bonus or no that's just that's with bonus I apologize lovely roll your damage all right and is anybody within melee of the thing no does not look like it all right no uh seven plus two

nine points of damage all right uh you know you really get in a nice spot in the neck but it's still kind of like pops out and lands in the sand. Right. It draws blood. But yeah.

Danny, it's this fucking guy. You have to use magic on him or something. Mm hmm. All right. Well, thank you, Danny. I will use my movement to move away from the creepo. I guess I'll head towards shore. One, two, three, four, five, six.

Or just trying to make as much space between me and that thing. Got it. Up next is the demon. Which, hey, listeners, it's called a wastrelith. It is going to run up to Danny. Boo! And

take a chomp at Danny. That'll be a 16 hit. What's your armor class? That is my armor class. Oh boy. Okay. This is not a fun one

to get smacked by. You're going to take 22 points of piercing damage, Danny. Jeez. I believe that is more than you got. No, I'm still standing. Oh, that's right. You got healed quite significantly.

Sounds like that last five hit points really paid off. So, I actually dance that Elton John song and flip everybody off. I'm just kidding. Uh, he is now going to take two swipes at you with his claws. Oh. Uh. Huh. Oh.

Oh, boy. Uh, this is going to be a, uh, 10 to hit. Uh. No. Yes. And, oh, 10 to hit. No. And oh 13 to hit. He whiffs twice Danny. Yay.

I'm still standing. Yeah yeah yeah. And I fucking triple kick him in the balls. Yay! He is now going to try to blast you. He's going to try to blast you with acid I'm going to need you to do What the fuck how does he get four attacks

Strength saving throw Multi attack the wastrelith uses grasping Spout and makes three attacks One with its bite and two with its claws Well so what's this fourth one This is the grasping Spout You're the grasping Spout.

You're the Grasping Spout. Nice! Nice! Next attack is one in the pink, two in the stink. Strength saving throw, Denny. Mmm. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Uh...

Uh-uh. Nathan, I'm going to say you're no longer poisoned because of that extremely high medicine check. Danny was able to flush your wound out. Great. Thank you. 16. Oh, my God. Great. Thank you. 16. Oh my god. I'm so sorry. You need a 17 to get away from grasping spots.

Danny, did you say a 17? No. I think he got a 17. I thought he said 16. I think I saw. I could see it on the bottom of his screen. Nathan has a moment and he goes like, I've see it on the bottom of his screen. Nathan has a moment, and he goes like, I've seen this before.

And Danny actually rolls a 19. That is the end of Nathan's port. Oh! Or a 19 plus his bonus, whatever his bonus is. Oh, shit, that's more than... He only needs a 17, so the... My bonus is five. Danny, you just feel supernaturally aware of the acid as it rushes towards you, and you sidestep just as the spout of it slams into the sand

and coats it with steaming mucus. Wow. God. By the way, I saw steaming mucus open for Mr. Bungle at Lollapalooza in 1993. That's a hell of a show. Oh, my God. You hear over your shoulder, Iva, a lot of gurgling and grinding noises, and no spears are launched this turn.

You're not sure what's going on because it's now about 150 feet behind you as you're about to dash onto the beach. Tootie, you're up and you're unconscious. So right now you can't really do anything. I see.

Me, me, me, me, me, me, me. Oh. People forget he's one of the stooges uh 2d joe derita uh and then iggy pop besser somewhere princess cost me a swim swim some more and jelf you're up

i'm going to keep dragging uh 2D over to these trees. Okay. And you're echoing too. Yeah, I know. Turn your radio down. I don't know what's going on with this. Turn your radio down. That's good music.

I'm feeling it. Turn your radio down. Oh, there we go. You are now in the shade of a palm tree, the two of you. Okay. We're going to in the shade of a palm tree, the two of you. Okay. We're going to do the end of Trading Places where we feeling good.

I'm going to he's safe. I'm going to, I guess, start to run up to kind of maybe flank this thing. Come up. I'm going to try to You can get a little closer, but I'm assuming you're using

a significant amount of movement just to drag 2D's unconscious armored paladin body. Okay. So you can't really get too much closer. The only real thing you can do is run about 10 feet closer and fire an arrow. You know, I'm going to hold off firing an arrow because you're not really doing any good at this point.

I just want to kind of get close so I can start to hack at it. Okay, so you're going to move closer. Yeah, I'm just going to drop 2D off and start running back towards this thing. Okay. But nothing yet? No. Oh, yeah, I'm actually going to reach in and pull out one of those bottles of alcohol that I have as I'm running. You're holding it?

You're not going to chuck it? No. I'm going to have to, as I'm running, I'm going to try to Molotov it up a little bit. You're lighting it and getting it ready to throw? That's sort of my plan as I get closer, yeah. Okay. Okay. I'm trying to, because you might be

hoping this guy legs Boone's Farm. Yeah, and I want to make sure that I'm doing this right, that I'm not just kind of just whipping it at him. I want to get up kind of behind him and really make sure that it counts. Yeah, I mean, to throw has to be within 20 feet or within 60 feet

if you want to roll at disadvantage. So you got to get a little closer to feel confident. Yeah, I'm in no hurry. Well, I'm in a hurry, but I'm in no hurry. Got it. Up next is Iva. You going to dash up to the crest of the beach? Oh, you're muted, Sarah.

Sorry, there was more screaming in my house. It's been a month. I'm gonna army crawl up to the crest of the hill. But are you using dash? I you using dash? Well, I'm using dash to get there,

so that should get me 100. But once I approach, I would like to be able to. You're going to slam down on your elbows. Yes. Got it. Okay. You can see I'm going to scoot your token just a little bit because you kind of came around a little bit,

but you're like right there now. Okay. What would you like to do? So was that my action? That was my action, so I could only do a bonus action now? No, I can say that was, that dash was your bonus if you want to make that your bonus. I don't see myself now.

Oh, you're there. You're top left. Oh, there, there. Okay. Yeah, I'm trying to get closer to him. I want to get close enough because I'm going to cast Minor Illusion. And I want to cast it over behind him, like over the hill. So I need to be 30 feet away from where I'm going to create. I guess I could do it actually from here. It's just going to be between me and him.

Yeah, like you can see like, it will be behind him. It'll just be closer to you. Yeah, that's what I'm going to do. So I'm going to do it, but over the crest of the hill, I'd like to cast the sound of, I'd like to cast the sound of the, Men working in the shed. the um the Galaxian the

the Galaxian um spellcaster, Uncle Fuckface or whatever yeah, I'd like to cast the sound of him um I guess I don't speak

Galaxian, so I would have heard him him i'd like to just cast the sound of him like uh yelling do i know the thing's name the demon's name um do do i'll let you choose you can do a uh a history check or an arcana check um I'm going to do a history check. Okay. It's a 21. Oh, shit balls. Yeah, so this is a demon from the abyss that is connected to Lord Dagon, and usually it lives in another dimension.

Another dimension. it manipulates it manipulates water and creates evil auras for the immediate area so probably has been influencing the Galaxians on a we'll just call it broader level that's what you know about it

okay so I don't know if this is going to do anything but just as my action here I'm going to cast the sound about it okay so i don't know if this is gonna do anything but just as my action here um i'm gonna so i'm gonna cast at the sound of that guy yelling that guy's okay of the uncle yelling that guy's name it says it can be your voice someone else's voice or any other sound you choose but but not in uh galaxian in right just like whatever his name is that's the best i can do so yeah okay okay i'm gonna the sound continues unabated through the duration or you can make discrete sounds at different times before the spell ends so i just want to have

it basically every like seven seconds i want or five seconds i want the guy to be going yelling what's his name again remind me the shaman or the monster no the monster it's a wastrelith okay uh i want it just to be going like wastrelith and then like wastrelith wastrelith i just want him to be altering the tone but just like basically yelling at him like a pet from there. Alright it's head definitely like whips over its shoulder it's not its turn yet so it can't run towards it but it like definitely got its attention Alright

well. Nice I'm going to use my bonus action to hide which Got it Do a stealth check please and then dan you're up cool i don't think i have to i think it's just my no all right

uh dan you're up 19 all right um oh am i that close to that thing yes fuck it Oh, am I that close to that thing? Yes. Fuck it.

Nathan's right by me. Everybody else. Does anybody else need health? There's no. Well, what's the current situation? Nathan is got one hit point uh 2d 2d is at zero and unconscious laying under

a tree about 90 feet away and okay well I'm gonna go to him and then bind him uh really quick uh two things it is Wastrelith is right in front of you it's not looking at you but uh you know it uh still gonna get an attack of opportunity if you run away from it it's all he's also already been bound right there's nothing more than

oh no okay i thought you meant he wasn't stabilized. No, he's stabilized, but he's zero and unconscious. We need healing to be able to... I am going to take as many slashes at this motherfucker as I can. Go for it. Fuck it up. Monk it up, Denny!

Nintendo Swatch is that anything I hope 21 on that first roll your damage roll that damage. Roll that dammy dams. Six. Nice. Plus three piercing on that.

Got it. Again? Again? Swing it again. Oh, it's definitely... Uh... Uh... Shitty at math. Shitty at math.

Spend your whole life being shitty at math. Start off at ten. Never get better. In high school, it kind of gets you in trouble. Shitty at math. Start off at 10, never get better. In high school, it kind of gets you in trouble. Shitty at math. Shitty at math. It's the worst.

Starting off at 10 is the first problem. 23. 23 points to hit. Roll your damage. The Tom Lehrer song about that. Starting at 10. new math yeah at least i roll well uh five plus uh three there so eight how would you like to see the demon die brian mcdonald yeah with a boner uh him not me. I think we are.

Oh, so, well, you know how it looks like a... Here's what happens. So I do the first stab, just sort of, like, across. I go across the belly. See how it's low? Yeah. There's just that big... The nutsack. It looks like it looks like

my gut right now uh yeah full of doordash uh the doordash look so i would cut i would cut across i would cut across right on the one slash and then uh danny's gonna run up the belly and then slide down it like a pirate uh and pirate and slide all the way down. So it just opens up completely. I do an upside down cross. It's super death metal. Danny goes full tauntaun and just splits this thing from stem to stern, cleaving it in twain and leaving it in a pile of steaming guts. And I say, fuck you for hurting my friends.

I've, of course, you witness all of this. And yeah, you just hear all in the distance, the sound it sounds like of a crackling jungle on fire. I make the illusion go, yay yay in that guy's voice things get awfully quiet on the beach all of a sudden and it occurs to you you wonder how princess Caspia might be doing sure it's fine

we'll find out all right well that is how that cliffhanger is going to go who said that was that Chris set him up to cast message or something but fuck that we're gonna do that next time uh hey sam what do you think happened today what if you were unmuted what would that be like oh boy i was muted hi everybody oh shit

oh yikes we are in our happy place battle uh i was burning some trees down and tootie got knocked unconscious underwater the jungle is on fire and nathan's laying vulnerable in the sand uh the demon tried to swing on danny but whiffed nathan helped danny avoid some mucus and jelf started a molotov cocktail and iva cast some uncle sounds and then danny stabbed it to fucking death it wasn't a great day for the galaxians but if you look at it from the point of view of the fire that's ravaging the jungle, it was a good day. That's right.

Tagging back to 50. Dan, you got anything you want to plug, my friend? Watch Dragon Prince on Netflix and get ready for the tabletop role-playing game. What? You're excited for it? You should go look into TalesOfZadia netflix and get ready for the tabletop role-playing game what you're excited for it you should go look into tales of zadia.com and sign up for the newsletter or play the adventures that are already on the website in preparation for the book that'll come out later this year brian would you like to plug anything sure buy nerd poker merch at nerd poker merch dot go fuck yourself or whatever nerd poker is. Nerdpokerpod.com

I'm literally going to buy that. That's what it is. Yeah, I'm definitely going to investigate that other link. That other link sounds interesting. And then brianpersain.com for tour dates. It's weird with COVID, we don't know what's going to happen. So I have a bunch of fall dates, and

I would like to do them if people are healthy and want to see me me and I can stay healthy. But it's a scary time again. Who knows? Chris, you had some you were plugging too, right? Yeah, I want to. Yeah, yeah, please. I've got a movie called Overrun.

I'm going to issue a special challenge to our nerd poker listeners. How many times do you think you can rent Overrun? Or better yet, can you buy multiple copies we'll find out who's the winner oh boy i'm in a movie called overrun it's available on august 17th it's an action thriller it's a bunch of crazy assassins all trying to kill a guy and i play a dumb cop who's chasing that guy as well nice uh and then uh steve agey friend of the show uh if support him and see if that's the reason you're gonna see the suicide squad then so be it but uh i mean see that movie it's so fucking good uh blaine oh uh i'm caddying for stacy Keech this weekend, doing a skins game.

We're going to take Fuzzy Zeller down a few pegs. Fucking guy. Oh, nice. Finally. Yeah. Getting sick of his shit. Thanks for not not listening. Here you go.

Nice. Thanks for listening to another episode of Nerd Poker. You can follow us at patreon.com slash nerdpoker, and you get bonus episodes from there. And you can also send us anything at P.O. Box 16069, Encino, California, 91416. Thanks for listening.