Nerd Poker - S4E59 Nosferattitude

Episode Date: October 26, 2021

The cornered vampire sure does seem to have a chip on his mysteriously-caped-shoulder. Well the Castaway Cuties are infamous interrogators, so this will probably go without any punches thrown! 

Hey everybody, I'm Brian Poussin, Comedian, writer, actor, nerd. I've been playing D&D with my friends for a long time. I decided to do a new podcast where we play Dungeons & Dragons in my very own dining room. With my wife, kid, and my noisy dogs. So meet my friends Sarah, Kev, Dan, Lee, Chris. Now it's time for another episode of Brian Poussaint's Nerd Poker. Season 4. Hey, everybody.

I am Brian Poussaint. That is Dan doing a hand fart. You're listening to Brian Pessain's Nerd Poker. It's episode 59. Not even close. It's going to be a fun one. My friends are here.

Look at them. We're down one, but he's okay. Chris Tallman will not be here for this episode or the next one but uh he will be uh played by dan right uh you're doing nathan sort of first of all hi brian how are you you can get me out of the way how are you but also yeah we're gonna we're gonna gently uh let n Nathan go back to Blingbottom for some Blingbottom business until you meet up with him again so as to make that as narratively cushy for him as possible.

Cool. Well, let me say hi to the rest of the gang. Oh, I wish you would. Look at them. There's Blaine. Hi, Brian. Hi, Dan. Hey, buddy.

How are you? I'm good thanks for asking Ken is here playing hi Brian hi Blaine hi Dan hey buddy Sarah right next to him hi Blaine hi Dan hi Ken I was getting very stressed about doing that in the right

order and now I messed it up I'm sorry. Twist it. Bop it. Bop it. And there he is. Our engineer, Sam. Hello, sweet children. What's up, man?

Hey, guys. Is Raman behind you? He is. And if you can see his posture, he's mad at me this time today because I wouldn't let him eat a butter knife we found on a walk. Oh, damn. He's mad I made him spit it out. He didn't have butter on it.

He found a butter knife? Yeah, I live in Koreatown. Our walks are... Out of somebody's silverware? No, someone's full metal butter knife that was on a street corner he's super mad that I made him spit it out that movie's great

yeah full metal butter knife it really is yeah can I try it? Sam yeah yeah hold on let me turn the speakers up it's loud give it a shot hey Robin

nothing wow the speakers up. Okay. It's loud. Give it a shot. Hey, Ramen. Nothing. Wow. Sort of looking around. Yeah. He liked when everyone started talking because then it was party. Sorry about the butter knife, Ramen. Give me the knife.

Did you put up a poster saying knife found? Somebody probably lost poster put up a poster saying knife found somebody probably lost that that's not a knife uh Dan you want to thank some people oh yeah why don't I get down to business thank you

everybody who supports us right you're so lovely and we appreciate all of the but especially for shouting outs we like to thank the patreon tiers known as the hey boss and star

goyle tears oh my gosh that's Gus's real voice that I've just heard in my headphones thank you these usernames season one episode six real voice that I've just heard in my headphones. Thank you. These usernames. Season one, episode six.

Pretty sure that's the pizza episode, Ken. Oh, that's funny. Thank you, Brian Plato, a.k.a. The Fireproof Kid. Thank you, Lon, man. And his last name Plato is spelled in what it seems like a way the fireproof kid. Thank you. And he, his, his last name,

Plato is spelled in what it seems like a, uh, uh, a way to be from France or something. Uh, but then he put Plato, the children's toy in parentheses to let me know how to pronounce it. Thank you.

Tommy Bahamut. Thank you. Michael Snyder. Yeah. Yeah. Blaine got that one. Thank you. Dave Mertens.

Thanks, David. Oh God. Uh, thank you michael snyder thank you yeah you're blank got that one thank you dave mirtens oh god uh thank you sarah's toilet rat that she almost pooped on that didn't happen the number one thing about this story is that it wasn't my rat it's your story anyone else check out that I check now every time yes every time in the middle of the night and you should too goodnight folks there's a really great company they make these things called rat sticks that you can buy

you buy it at Target it's great just sit it next to your toilet next time and you just stab at the water it gets rid of all the rats I use a toilet sword who doesn't that's my brand toilet sword they make the rat stick thank you Peter

Bartlett thank you Sean Allen thank you Ben Feltz thank you War Dukes Armored Kuk I don't like what that sounds like. Thank you, Christian Slater's Inevitable Spiderweb Fart Revenge. What? Friggin' do.

I remember that one from before was a reference to somebody's stand-up. One of you's stand-up. Yeah, I was at an audition, and I farted while he was in the audition, and so then when I went into the audition, he had to come out and walk into my wall of farts. And he went, oh, goddammit. Took it right out of his head, man. Got him.

Oh, thank you. In response, thank you, Newbody. Thank you. The last time Gary Newman is not the lead singer of the cars. That's Rico Kasich. Thank you. Sam's creep peeps while creep sleeps. Good one.

Thank you. Gelatinous pube. Yay. Thank you. Blaine's hot mic is a hit do, of to his wit the only problem is i laughed so hard my pants are now filled with over modulator thank you alley alley bow valley thank you thank you 15 miles to the roar shack oh oh Mr.

Connor is it two peacocks playing badminton I'm sorry that's Arnold roar shack thank you Nathan gently bites you for zero damage he likes to thank you twinkle cherry thank you ramen's spicy noodle thank you oh thank you noodles ate agatha what thank you thank you i feel like neither of them have been addressed in a while.

I know. I'm just pretending they're both back at the house. And now that you've gone back to the house, they can just live there. No, Agatha's always with me. Okay, well, Noodles is at the house being fed by Octavio right now. Thank you, Zach Moadweeb. Thank you, Little Old Lady Got Mutilated Late Last Night. Thank you, Jeff's School got mutilated late last night.

Thank you. Thank you. Jeff's school of rhyme and reason smells like house scene spirit. No, the last part was, I think their old username or parentheses. Thank you, Dave.

Thanks Dave. Thank you. All dark. They're wanted was a Pepsi. Thank you. Your local Coca-Cola guy. Thank you. Thanks. Look, thank you. All Dark Thur wanted was a Pepsi. Thank you. Your local Coca-Cola guy. Thank you. Thanks, Loke.

Thank you, Zom Betty. And finally, thank you, Sweet Heat Skeechels. Oh, weird. Hey, Blaine, who are those Patreon supporters brought to us by? Well, Dan, they're brought to us by... But not too far back. Classic. Spinning, spinning, spinning all the day.

Spinning, spinning, spinning all the day. Spin all day at Leslie's spinning class. i'm leslie let's go spinning spinning spinning spinning all day at leslie's spinning class leslie's spinning class at i-64 down in the Bilbo district. I feel like the entire joke was just to lull you into a false sense of security. It was just just that. That's not a false sense of security at all. Well, that's because at the end he ruins it.

That's where a punchline happens. Oh my goodness. Well, I think it's now time to talk about what happened last time on nerd poker which i'm going to do in a normal voice because it's already halloween and it's spooky enough so the castaway cuties got back to their home in bling bottom a manor that doesn't really have a name per se but they stole it from a hag they didn't steal it they killed her and claimed it and the butler came with it octavio we recently stated, is hanging out back at the house where everyone was trying to sleep for the night, but was awoken by a little little peaky, peaky eyeballs in the door.

You guys were all, you know, trying to have your first proper night's sleep in your gorgeous new refurbished beds in the castaway cutie manner. Absolutely ruined. Having a castaway cutie cuddle but uh you all ran out of the house at like 12 o'clock at night ran up north through the jungle and you finally got to this uh clearing where cronk the walking economy this giant stone boim cone was uh inhabiting and you kind of ran through and passed all the way to this creepy rundown house that had a boulder in front of the front door a lot of the windows are bolted up the roof is kind of caved in and you finally cornered the shadow shape which melded back into a vampire who is wearing very fancy velvety merchant's robes not unlike the merchant

robes that were on the vampire you slayed in your manor some 20 episodes ago also this is the general area where an elven ghost child once apparently came from. You had Nathan commune in the room with the ethereal plane, the room where he went to the ethereal plane in the room where that suit of armor is in the ring. And it turns out that ring belongs to this ghost of an elven child. And the suit of armor is potentially inhabited by the ghost. And this weird shadow thing seemed to have been in that room with the ring and the suit of armor and may have even messed with it on his way out of the house, floating back to his creepy rundown house in the woods so you guys have pinned this vampire down there was some fun confusion about whether or not a spell was used and whether it could be used on a vampire but after a strength check we used instead you guys uh tootie and danny have both got this vampire pinned.

We take you now to the Castaway Cuties adventuring in progress. So you wanted to know what his deal was. He was not very forthcoming. I'm going to go ahead and put it on you guys. What are you going to do? He's struggling. He wants to get out of here you try to gently negotiate him but he

you know basically laughed in your face after telling you a few basics about him uh self he said he is lord sewell and he was going to the house because he wanted to see the person who used to own it who we believe are the parents

of the uh no it was the witch who trapped the kid right the parents didn't yeah it feels like the hag the hag might have been responsible for a lot of this and also like the armor used to be in a temple or something there's a lot of weird history i'm not sure how much you guys actually want to get into but it definitely seems like this vampire is you know from the area that the ghost is from and something happened a long time ago um with that and which is responsible did we talk to him yet about the that other vampire that we killed uh you asked if he was with another vampire and he just kind of like fussed and shook his head you know he doesn't want to tell you anything okay so i was gonna

think that we could show him is he like held pretty well yeah we're all at the moment yeah i mean he's the thing is he's openly hostile and a vampire so you know i was thinking we could show him that remember the charcoal drawing of somebody that we found on that other vampire it was like a charcoal drawing of a woman i think yes so i thought maybe i'd just show it to him and be like does this look familiar and act like i know what i'm doing uh he he goes and uh exposes his fangs and his eyes get really big and he lunges towards you do a strength check please is he a cat at a party but they were holding him we were uh well i guess what

i should say yeah you're that's that's sort of where i should have directed that 2d and and uh brian both do a strength check he is sorry guys he is rallying uh you're a 19 danny rolled low 10 nice strong okay uh he rolled an 18 um and so he lunges at you and then isn't the 19 oh yeah yeah yeah yeah, yeah. I mean, you got him, but something else is about to happen. I'm just looking at what this guy's... This guy's obviously an ancient

monster and knows what his abilities are, but I have to go review them. He's now... Because he's been held down you see him uh bamf into a bat okay uh brian and ken please uh roll a dexterity check to grab the vampire as he turns into a bat and tries to fly out the window. Wait, wait. Ooh.

Is saving throw or check? Check. Okay. Just add the number next to your dex. It's not common that I have you just roll a basic stat. Danny's rolling low today. Two plus three, five. Oh. Yeah. you just roll a basic stat. Danny's rolling low today. 2 plus 3, 5. Well, luckily, 2D

just sort of snatches him by the wing right out of the air. You've got a bat going scree, scree, scree while you're grabbing him. Secure him with both hands. Thanks, 2D. Get his

face away from me he i mean he rolls a 16 on a strength check please do a uh this is to keep him held for at least a little bit of narrative time 22

oh shit all right now he doesn't seem like he can talk. He's going scree, scree, scree. What would you like to do? There's an open window. There's a fire going. Is there a bag we can put in there? Window's closed.

Is there a what? Bag or something we can wrap him in? A flesh bag. You do have a flesh bag. We must have like a cloak. We can just throw him in some type of... You also have a hat of holding. Oh, yeah. Oh. Let's put him in there. What if he...

Isn't it 50 pounds or something? He could perhaps burst out of it, yeah. If he transforms, then I feel like he's gonna break our bag. Our hat. Let's wrap him up in a cloak. Anybody got a cloak? Robe? Somebody must, right? You can put him up in a cloak. Anybody got a cloak? Robe? Somebody must, right?

You can put him in a flesh bag. I think this seems like a bad idea. Yeah. Look around. Danny looks around for something. Let's see what else. I think it sounds interesting. A blanket or a sheet or something? So you guys, yeah, you guys all look around

and there's not a whole lot here so what is here really stands out it's a very dusty old room uh you do see that there are charred bones in the fire of course a vampire doesn't need fire to stay warm so it looks like he was disposing of a body in the fireplace you see next uh to it there's a little bit of cloth and it looks like some kind of um some kind of cape was was like ripped and there's like a little bit of cape but there's not really enough to hold a bat together bind a bat so to speak but you've got enough basic equipment like your adventurers pack has yeah you know got some basic like rope and yes we'll call it twine yeah you can rope them up okay to tie them up uh at this point nathan as was uh discussed notes that you guys seem to have

everything under control and he says he's to head back to bling bottom, uh, and, and try to, you know, look around the manor and see if there's any other clues about the vampire that you guys previously slayed in that casket where you found a little hidden compartment in the casket,

uh, last episode. So yes, I refuse to let him go. Okay. Uh, all of a sudden 2d blacks out and has zero hit points uh yeah yeah so he heads out um what would you all like to do um do i know anything about like arcana wise or whatever about how to make a bat change back into its human form whatever about how to make a bat change back into its human form.

Let's see. Oh, wait, nevermind. Nevermind. I can talk to small animals and now he's a small animal, right? True.

I can communicate with this, communicate ideas. Okay. I'm going to communicate the idea of a steak going through his heart. Oh dear. Um, what do you have? You just like in rope.

So like the rope is of course, you know, thick enough to look awkwardly thick on a bat and he's held together with it but he's he you know he acknowledges you just kind of like stares you see like a little red glow in his eye as he stops uh crying out for a moment and stares at iva i mean we need him back in human form his little back chest is like um you feel like his deal maybe i should clarify this for you guys because you seem to have uh an approach towards this vampire that's at least slightly funny and surprising to me uh you feel like his deal is he was expecting to see the hag at the house. He wanted, especially after he realized the hag wasn't there.

He wanted to fuck with the ring a little bit. And you guys basically chased him away. And then he's probably almost certainly friends with the vampire you killed because he has an almost identical merchant's robe, but he hates you. He doesn't like you. He can tell you're goody two shoes and he's not a goody two shoes and he would very much like to escape and or murder you but you

outnumbered him so he was like i'm just gonna get the fuck out of here before you grabbed him and slammed him to the ground so that's what his deal seems like squeeze it squeeze him yeah make me make him into a human make him a human no no it does feel like if you uh so much as give him the idea to turn back to vampire form he might do we want to talk to him about like any of this other lore about you know Amina or any of this other stuff okay

we could just kill him okay so let's let's uh give him the thought to turn back into human I'm like turn back into human same thing alright so he is going to wrap him up again I give him the thought to turn back into human. I'm like, turn back into human. Same thing. All right, so he is going to... And then we gotta be ready to wrap him up again. Uh, and...

He bursts out of the rope. He is going to take a swing at biting Iva. No, I'm wrapping him up in rope so he's going to miss. You think you are, but he's first going to try to attack. And then we're going to go into initiative.

So that is going to be a 20 to hit. Oh, you know what? he's got to grapple you first before he can do that so he is trying to grapple you uh please do another yet another strength check probably uh seems insane how many times we're doing this but a vampire does does love to grab so uh 15 please try to beat a 15 with a strength track 24 uh he's bite he's grabbing and biting iva so 2d you watch your mouth and your dice um that's a five all right so you are grappled and now he will attempt to bite you uh oh okay less likely to hit this time 15 what's your ac uh my ac is 14 oh dear okay this is gonna be

to do nine piercing damage am i a vampire now uh then you're going to take 14 points necrotic damage uh you see you know him him i'll do this you guys uh why don't you all roll for initiative i just as a note i'm to use my uncanny dodge reaction. When an attacker that you can see hits you with an attack, you can use your reaction to halve the attack's damage. Okay. Great. That is also going to

reduce the amount of hit points he gets back. And I'm going to use my pretty color dodge to help support nerd poker. 9 plus 14, so it was 23 before, so now it's either 11 or 12. It's 11. What? Pardon me.

Hey, Tootie, what was your initiative roll? Oh, I did not roll it. Didn't you just hear it? Danny, did you was your initiative roll oh I did not roll it didn't you just hear it Danny did you get an initiative roll 14 plus 3 17 what did you get Tootie 13 okay

my attempt to get them one at a time backfired Jelf what did you get 15 plus 4 19 alright Iva what'd you get uh 15 plus 419 all right uh iva what'd you get uh i wasn't sure if i was rolling but i got a great and this asshole is going to roll, a four. So you guys are definitely going to get to do a lot and that

will definitely be good because this is a fucking vampire. Jelf, you're up first. You see, after this bat comes back to life as a human, it lunges at Iva grabs her by the shoulders and plunges

its fangs into her neck where it is just finishing drinking a gulp of blood what a horrible thing is it still on her she's still grappled okay but he's still like right next to her

he's still sucking he's like on top of her yeah like he's he he's not a very big vampire but he's definitely a human and therefore taller than iva so he's he's got her overpowered can i do i get uh can i get backstabbing damage i don't believe backstabbing does what you think it does in fifth edition. Okay. I'm going to look up Jelf, but... How about ninth edition? How is it in ninth?

You know what I'm going to do? I'm going to shoot him in the back with an exploding arrow. Now, that is going to probably cause damage to your friends. I'm thinking that he would absorb most of the damage. Well, if that's how it works in your mind that's fun let me uh i'm just taking a look at the uh yeah i would definitely double check the rules you know i'm looking at jelf too oh yeah all the creatures take two yeah yeah fuck that now okay you don't have like backstabbing stuff but um yeah i'm just going to uh i'm going to stab him with your dagger your short sword short sword i'm

gonna i'm gonna go up and uh try to uh uh decapitate him from behind with a short sword and i'm long striding so i'm moving pretty quick i'm gonna kind of go up i will say yeah you're get out of the way you're all pretty close oh you're going to go for it and then you're going to move away yeah I'm going to kind of like run past him okay first roll to attack 14 plus

sorry I'm looking at my thing here that's 14 18 alright that is a hit roll your damage and a short sword a short sword

has a 1d6 plus 4 that's a 10 alright so you stab at him and you can immediately tell your sword finds purchase but you can immediately tell oh this

guy has a resistance to piercing damage you know slashing damage. Like it's, it's hard to really, uh, do damage with a non-magical sword. Okay. Well,

I'm, I'm, uh, I'm quickly just getting, uh, hitting him and getting out of range. All right. Um,

unfortunately, as you get out of range, he's going to release his grapple on Iva and, uh, swing at you. This is going to be an unarmed strike. On a star? Yeah. Going to carry some moonbeams home

in a jar? Uh-oh. This attack of opportunity is a botch. Oh! Nice. Stupid. It is. He looks very foolish. Flavin! Does he tell me he falls into a pie it's a 14 so he just

misses but he broke his grapple to take that swing at you up next in the turn order we've got 2D no Danny Danny you got the 17 focus focus

Brian Posse what's going on in your neck of the woods nothing oh alright good chatting are we on the map or no this is not something I prepared a map for we're gonna do this mind's eye

old school okay so tell me uh where the guy is I didn't think you'd fuck with this vampire so much uh he's he's about five feet in front of you uh he's right sort of next to Iva who's he attacking

he just took a swing at Jelf because Jelf stabbed him right and you notice the sword attack didn't do much damage could danny do to this guy uh anybody else have undead stuff

2d probably does yeah i don't really i don't think paladins actually do i was just looking at that i think you need one i have i have a divine smite yeah and also he has that hammer yes oh no or did we say we left it i can't i have a war hammer yeah he left it at the house but my regular war i guess i wouldn't be carrying two hammers I mean you've got another hammer it's fine you haven't you're not like unarmed running into this you would have grabbed one to go

fight the black shadow as you ran out of the house for sure I'm gonna try a special I've never even used actually stunning strike so I can it actually A special I've never even used, actually. Stunning Strike. So it actually freezes them or stuns them until the end of my next turn. If it fails, a Constitution saving throw, DC 14.

Great. He's going to make that Constitution saving throw. If you get a hit, roll a hit. And I use one key point to do it. Great. Yay. 18 and then plus... That's a hit. Yeah.

He is going to roll... He got a 16 plus 4. That's a 20 on his constitution saving throw so he resists being stunned on Forge let's see can spend

one key point to make if it fails oh shit okay so unfortunately that's that's it, I think. But no, I still get damage, right? Oh, that's true. Yeah, you're still doing a melee weapon attack.

So roll your damage on whatever weapon you use to make Stunning Strike. Yeah, my short sword. Get up to it. So 1d6 plus 3 uh 6 total okay so once again you throw that blade through him and it just feels like it's not doing as much damage as you wish it was

I get a second attack though right I'll take it again I'll swing but uh this time obviously yeah I'll try it again okay I know what the fuck

we should have just like squeezed him I saw this movie where this movie where this friend told this guy to say what the fuck more often. 16 plus 6. Yeah. Ooh, 20.

22. Yeah, roll that damage. He's gonna roll his constitution saving throw. Fuck you. Oh, he failed this time. Yay, and I got a six plus three, so nine. Oh, so he failed, so he stunned until the end of my next turn. Great. Think is how it's worded. Let me see till the end of my next turn. Great.

Think is how it's worded. Let me see. Read, reread it. A stunned creature is incapacitated, can't move, and can speak only falteringly. So he's like... Stunned until the end of my next turn if it fails a constant. Yep. Cool.

So it won't last long, but you got him for now. Hey, Teddy, you're up. Get him, friends. I'm gonna smash him with my hammer and divine smite him. Oh, here it comes. Divine hammer. So that's a 20 to hit.

That's a great Kim Deal impression, Brian. You said 20 to hit? Yes, sir. That's a hit Kim deal impression, Brian. You said 20 to hit? Yes, sir. That's a hit. So then I do seven points bludgeoning. Bludge! All right.

Plus. Again, feels like maybe he's normally resistant. You're using a non-magical hammer. Right. So Divine Smite adds 2d8 extra radiant damage. That

he does not enjoy. So that is 1, 2. That is 9 points of damage. Radiant damage. Plus 1d8 for each spell level higher than first. So that's

Let's see what I'll expend. You get to toss another dice in there? Yep. Oh, I get to toss another few dice. Okay, so 1d8 again. And that's four more points of damage oh geez and all right and plus 1d8 against undead or fiends he's very much one of those

that's an eight oh shit all. All right. You guys see Tootie bring a hammer down and this beam of light kind of glimmers off of the vampire and it shrieks as steam rises off of its flesh after he pounds it. It looks awful.

It would also... Something might occur to Iva because of the sequence of events of him grabbing you and being right in front of you so iva uh please take an insight check before you use your action 21 oh shit okay yeah so when he grabbed you it felt like he was you know weak you got a good look at him and he seemed pretty withered he definitely got some hit points back when he bit you not as hard as he wanted to when you uncanny dodged some of that you were able to kind of pull away from his bite but you know he's not looking great okay he seemed to be low on hit points when this all started

choke my heart I mean I guess I'm trying to kill him I wanted to talk to him more but he started it so he's not in talking mood yeah not everyone's a talker is it my turn yes

I don't get a second attack oh I don't know that second attack because I used Divine Smite, probably. Oh, I don't know. That's a good question. I thought... It's a special. I don't know if that means I can use it to go again or what. Ah, boy, oh boy. Yeah, I gotta check.

Sorry about that. Hey, Blaine, what is me looking up the Divine Smite's action rules brought to us by? Well, it's brought to you by Big 7. It's a big five with two fingers up your ass. Also brought to you by Forever 23. It's Forever 21 with two fingers up your ass. And Ben Fold 7. It's Ben Fold 5 with two fingers up your ass, Dan.

You know, when Blaine does a fast commercial, it really only buys me about four seconds, which isn't long enough to pull up a character sheet. It looks like it says one spell. It's a spell slot, right? Yeah. Ken? Yeah.

So you use it for your first attack. So you still get your second attack, I guess, but it doesn't count on your second attack. That sounds right. Divine Smite definitely only works once. Yeah, it's a special. But it sounds like you still get your other attack. Alright, I'm going to smash him again with the Warhammer. Great. Iva, you can retain that insight check.

They rolled a 20 to hit. Oh boy. And 12 points damage. Alright. So yeah, you're pounding And 12 points damage. All right. So, yeah, you're pounding his face. The vamp's looking rough, Iva.

What would you like to do? Now, he is stunned. So he's not resisting. I want to tie him up alright so I mean he's probably going to turn to a bat again oh I thought he was like couldn't do anything because he's stunned never mind I just

hit him with a sword he's up next in the turn order you know what I mean like you can tie him up and it might work but he can still oh good well yeah like if you guys want to do something besides tie him up like in a in a way like how do i put this you just it's the tying seems like it'll be undone the second he turns to a bat unless you're unconscious with a sword I'm just gonna hit him with a sword okay it's not a bad idea it's just very

functionally complicated to tie up a shape shifter and he's gonna die slashing for him uh well does he take no is he resistant to it or he takes no he seems to be resistant against slashing

bludgeoning and piercing non-magical attacks um but resistant just means like he doesn't take as much damage right he takes half damage yeah i'm still gonna go ahead there's someone within five feet of him right yes so you do you will get advantage so i get my

my sneak attack so i'm just gonna go ahead and hit him with a sword and hope for the best he brought this on himself i don't know it is a big thing when you're fighting on dead and shit getting magical weapons really undoes a lot of those magical resistances shoot i have to use a luck point because i don't know i don't know if that would have done it oh so may luck shine upon thee i think it might have done it but i'm not sure oh no that was even worse did you botch no i thought i did but it was a seven i gotta try one more time because this is it i'm doing it all using your second luck point okay this time that's a 22 to hit aha roll some damage okay

so then he takes um that's a lot of of reduce yeah well i was getting cranky as i said um okay so he's gonna take uh five points of damage plus um What happened to the rolling? Oh, there it is. He didn't take 15 points of damage, so I guess he's going to take seven points of damage. How would you like to see this vampire die?

I want him to scream, wait, I made a mistake. Ask me anything you want. But it's too late and his eternal life is now over. Um, and I want him to realize that as he dies, that he could have avoided all of this, but he didn't because he had to be a dick about it.

I wonder if it's a point in our podcast or are an adventure that we've reached where as a part of your, your fatality moves, you guys are now declaring what the enemy says as they die. That's how do I want to see him die? I didn't say he has to die. Oh, should I? Okay. How would you like to kill him, I guess is what I need to say from now on. You definitely should because

I'm going to take you at your word and tell you how I want. The narrative reigns you guys are taking with these. Dial it back a little bit. But yeah, yeah. Sure, he says that as he turns into a pile of ash in his robes. Nice. Let's search the robes.

We won D&D! And as Brian sometimes tells Melanie, you guys won Dungeons & Dragons. Yay for us. Yay. I'm going to search and investigate the room. Yeah. And his robes. Great.

Why doesn't everybody roll an investigation check towards the room and his robes? Okay. Including me? No, because you made a voice. Oh, shit. I rolled a 12. Is that okay, Dan? I bought it. I rolled a 4.

Wow, these are not great rolls. Yeah, bullshit. I rolled a bullshit. That doesn't sound better than a five at all. That was a cool shift. It was a three with two fingers that possessed. Oh, you know what? I'm going to use a luck play. Oh.

To investigate better. That's a 19. Oh. I love that. that's a 19 oh okay uh you you find a note about uh the basement in the vampire's robes otherwise this is a very cobwebby room that feels like

was being used in a very makeshift way so you guys can't really find much of use in this room. The robes are almost completely empty, but there's like a little scratch of parchment. It's got hastily scribbled in there, remember the basement. Remember the basement.

Yes. There's no basement in Alamo. Oh, Jan Hooks, you were a delight. Stars at night. So is the basement, does it seem like it's in reference to our house where we found those in the middle of the street wow i've never had a joke land with a thud hard as no so so yeah like you're not sure you're not sure just a note that says remember the basement yes okay i look for a basement

uh roll to wonder if there's a basement uh you guys you know find this note and feeling like this is quickly turning into some kind of dead end given how quick this went you head around to the you know main foyer area and you do find that like you know that there's not really like an obvious staircase but

I'm gonna give you this because you rolled really high on the investigation check that you uh re-rolled Ken I'm so close to sneez this because you rolled really high on the investigation check that you re-rolled. Ken, I'm so close to sneezing. You're making me yawn. Look up at the light. There it is.

Oh, now I lost my yawn. The worst feeling ever. Why? Because I muted my sneeze? No, because I was listening to Ken. I was about to yawn because you were opening your mouth like you were yawning. And then I started to yawn. And then Ken said, look at the light. And that distracted me.

And then I lost my yawn. It's supposed to make you not sneeze. Look toward the light. There is sneezing and yawning in the light. Now I'm going to yawn. Let's all yawn. I need you to now.

No, I need you to now. I come from Wisconsin. I work in the lumber mill there. Okay, there we go. The way I go after people they shout Hey, what's your name my name is can't sneezing i come from whiskeys and uh yeah you find that there is a trap cellar door underneath a carpet and the main foyer so i'd go shit. What about the drapes?

A ladder takes you into an uninsulated basement that's got sort of stone floor but no real walls. The stone floor is very uneven. It's just like someone put some flat rocks in here.

However, there are some barrels in the corner that's exactly the barrels as you touch them you're like there's something very odd about these they seem very heavy

they're you know too heavy to move easily and there's a strange metallic scent to them. Like blood? Probably. Perhaps. I open a barrel. So there's a...

There's no obvious way to, you know, put a spigot in it or anything, right? You can't plunge it? No right but there's no but there's there stood up on their ends and you you do try to pull the lid off of it and it feels like it's magically stuck together so you need to either cast some kind of spell to get rid of that protection spell or find another way to get this. Go at the barrel. We'll have a barrel of blood. Go, go, go, go, go.

So it seems like there's two barrels of blood. Deep in the heart of Texas. What is that? There are 13 barrels. Oh. Some of them there are there are 13 barrels some of them are

stacked but they're all in a corner and a couple of them have none stacked on top of them also they all look slightly different from each other oh there's AB negative there's AB positive there's O negative there's O positive can I do it like a specific investigation just on the barrels

uh yeah do an investigation check on the barrels anyone who wants to look at the barrels uncover or decipher clues using my eye for detail 19 19 anyone want to try and beat that that's pretty good hey can I roll a can I roll a medicine

check sure well I rolled a 12 and 3 is a 15 I just wanted to see if I could if I could tell what kind of beings this blood was from if it was like elf or human or dwarf well you can't really get the

barrels open very easily. I thought maybe if I would get like a bouquet. What was the role of the investigation? What did you roll, Iva? I invited everyone to do an investigation and then Blaine wanted to do a medical check on the air. I got a 10.

Yeah, I mean, we're going to have to go with Iva's 19, which wasn't too shabby you get you get the vibe that these things were dragged down here recently there are you know clear marks sort of scratched where the wood uh kind of made some mix in the rock on the ground uh it looks like these things were put here probably you know at least within the last couple of months but they also look like they've been touched and rearranged recently you're not sure what the deal is though there's no notes there's no guide to them however the planks are different sizes the on the barrel the barrels themselves are different sizes different

wood is used to hold these things. It's strange that 13 of these things are down here for sure, especially considering you had to take a ladder into the basement and these things seem to weigh at least like, you know, 100 pounds. Tootie, why don't you smash one open?

Oh my god. What? It would make a mess. Well, if it's blood, what if it's bodies in there there's blood everywhere to be fair I do think that's how Tootie would respond to that suggestion it would make a mess maybe it's a body and not just blood maybe it's blood inside a body

pry something open yeah it might be like pickled eggs he said we needed magic to pry so I just thought if we just smashed that would be would you like to smash does 2d smash no no he said no he refused to do it um i'm gonna give you a freebie passive insight check all of you kind of know that it's possible to smashy smash through certain physical, magical protections that might stop you from, say, opening the barrel.

You could perhaps, through brute force, break through some protections. I'm not saying it would necessarily work this time, but you do think it's not the worst idea. You know, these things have been done before. Oh, right, then I'll smash the barrel. Okay, roll to hit that barrel. Do we have a choice of barrels? 100%. Is there a larger one, a smaller one, a longer one?

Okay, yeah, there's definitely a clear smallest and largest. One of them looks like you could, you know, stuff a goliath in it. Another one is maybe no bigger than a gnome. What do you think, the big one, guys? Yeah. I love it. Yeah, it sounds great.

Maybe you want to pray about it for a second. Okay. Maybe you want to take a suggestion real quick. No, I said maybe... I will pray to Bahamut first. He might have a pointer for us. I heard Realt Bahamut first. He might have a pointy turd for us. I heard real turd, Woody Allen.

What should I pick? The big one. Take the big one. He's praying about it. I'm praying. What is it? Should I do a religion check? Yeah, it's always a religion check to talk to your god, you goof. Thank you for calling.

What were you going to say before you said goof? Your prayer is important to us. He pulled it back. He pulled it back for sure. Please stay on your knees. Friend? 19. Oh, I didn't hear you through the bits. And the aura which was received.

Which barrel does Bahamut say I should go with? Bahamut doesn't speak to you in direct words. If you roll under a 20, but he does give you a sense that there is something sort of begging to be released in these barrels.

And none of them are particularly more valuable than the other. They are all in some way valuable and in need of release maybe I'll go with the smaller one then are they little baby pickled vampires that are growing like they're in little pupa cases or something

you got pickles on the brain I'm just I'm just pickling just pickling I do want a pickle now I'm just pickling I'm just pickling I do want to pickle now I'm just pickling my chat I'm going to smash a little one okay

roll to smash roll to attack yeah it's an attack against the barrel for sure so you bring down the hammer with just all your force and it kind of just at the last second rolls like a little bit with the hit so you don't make a direct hit in a way that cracks it wide open uh however you hit it hard enough that you hear like a jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, like inside.

There's money in the barrels. Or else. It sounds almost like empty glass containers. Weird. They're all full of glasses. So it's not cracked open or anything? No. Well, maybe we broke

it, but you gotta try again, right? Or I will. I mean, one of us will. Danny, wrap your monk arms around it and squeeze it to death. Which thing? The little barrel or the big barrel? Put it in your baggy sweatpants. Just kick that barrel with

your little feet. Go kick a barrel. Okay. Dunkin' Waginals. Roll to hit. Unfurl. So that's with your little feet. Go kick a barrel. Okay. Dunking Wagons. Roll to hit. Unfurl. So that's an unarmed strike? Yep. Much. Danny winds up.

Like it. Holy shit. I did it on the... Did you finally get a good roll? No, no. I did it on the game. I mean, on the game I mean on the website 19 plus 6 25 alright so are you

hitting the same little one that 2D tried to smashy yeah alright so you just thunderously bring your heel down and it just splinters wide open and there is a smashing sound as your foot goes through the barrel and a series of glass vials explodes.

Oh, no. You managed to pull back in time to not get cut. But you do think you smashed about a dozen glass vials. There were glass vials wrapped in cloth inside this barrel but underneath that there seems to be something else wrapped in cloth so the very top layer was empty vials but there's something else wrapped in cloth under those empty vials

okay what is it? they were empty vials I didn't get some shit everywhere that's good not yet okay are you going to look at what's underneath the cloth underneath the glass vials? Carefully. As

you lean over and peel back the cloth from the strange contents of this barrel in the vampire's basement, we must pause and find out what happens on the next episode of Nerd Park.

Oh, you dirty bird. No, true cliffhanger. You son of a... Which we are going to record in about five minutes, but you guys will have to wait to hear until next week. Hey, Sam. Hello. What do you think happened?

Episode 59, Lord Seawall is trying to break free from us, but we're holding him as strongly as we hold octavio from leaving us he turned into a little sexy bat and then he burst out and bit iva we're shooting arrows at him and trying to stun him and hammering him and it was the hammer that did the most damage but it was iva who killed this guy because he just had to be a dick we rolled to find a basement and sar Sarah lost a yawn and almost died. We found some barrels in the basement and Dan asking, do you want to smash?

Makes me miss that streak of episodes where whenever we met someone, Dan would ask, would you like to kiss him? Sounds like I know what gimmick I'm pulling out next episode. Anything you want to plug Dan? Sure. I am just about done writing this book. So please watch The Dragon Prince on Netflix

because there's going to be a role-playing book you're going to want to read pretty soon, published on real paper and also digitally. So please go watch The Dragon Prince on Netflix and check out the free role-playing materials I've already got on the website, talesofzadia.com. Cool.

Tour dates on brianpersain.com. I've got Arlington, Virginia, and Kansas City coming up in November. But you can also catch me in Austin at the end of the month at kick butt cafe. Uh, that's it really. Okay. Dot com.

What about you guys? Blaine. Oh, uh, Halloween's coming up. Stacy Keach and I are going, uh, treat or tricking over at,

uh, Yakov Smirnov's house, a bunch of Wishamake kids. Nice. I see what you did there. We appreciate your listenage. Thanks for listening to another episode of Nerd Poker. You can follow us at patreon.com slash nerdpoker, and you get bonus episodes from there.

And you can also send us anything at P.O. Box 16069 Encino, California 91416. Thanks for listening.