Nerd Poker - S4E61 Parasite For Sore Throats

Episode Date: November 9, 2021

Trigger warning: some real gross stuff continues with Danny's throat parasite. On the bright side, with Blaine's help Brian finds quite a novel and bizarre solution! We hope you enjoy the end of that particularly gross business, and the shocking cliffhanger as well!

Hey everybody, I'm Brian Poussin, Comedian, writer, actor, nerd. I've been playing D&D with my friends for a long time. I decided to do a new podcast where we play Dungeons & Dragons in my very own dining room. With my wife, kid, and my noisy dogs. So meet my friends Sarah, Kev, Dan, Blake, Chris. Now it's time for another episode of Brian Pussain's Nerd Poker. Season 4. Hey everybody, I'm Brian Pussain, and you're listening to Brian Pussain's Nerd Poker.

It's episode 61, uh, how are you? Hmm, well that's good. Really? Alright. Well that's, that's good. Really? All right. Well, that's okay. Jeez. Anyway, that bit was great. Let's have some fun.

My friends are here. They're so quiet. Look at that. There's Blaine. Yes, and? Hey, buddy. How you doing? Good uh ken is right below you hey you big nerd yeah hi pal hi uh dan is here look at him hello fellow big nerd and we're uh

we're out chris and uh sarah's here. I am here. Hi. How are you doing? I'm doing okay. And our engineer, Sam. I don't see Ramen anywhere. Is he in the bed? Oh, there he is. Oh, yeah. What's up, buddy? He's mad at me because I wouldn't let him eat pennies

that I found on the ground. He gets like that, doesn't he? He's really... No pennies for Ramen. He gets like that, doesn't he? He's really... He really holds shit against you when you don't let him just eat whatever the fuck he wants. It really is great parenthood practice. Oh, yeah. Because pretty much

there's just two straight years of trying to avoid them eating everything. Although I did see a child trick-or-treating the other night. A two-year-old just dropped candy on the ground, just bent down, picked it up. I hope it wasn't a berry or something else that he picked up off the ground.

It was indeed an M&M, but it wasn't my child, so now my problem. We didn't really have that problem with Rhodes, but there's a picture of me with a rock in my mouth and my mom looks like Jacqueline Kennedy trying to pull it off you know a rock sucker pull the rock out of my mouth we went to um the grand canyon this weekend and on the way back we went to oatman arizona have you ever been there off route 66 so they have they

have wild donkeys everywhere and you can like feed them carrots or alfalfa or shit. But like this dude had went to like a little touristy candy shop and he had like a little gift bag full of candy. And one of the donkeys went up to him yesterday while we were walking around and was like just kind of like curiously sniffing the gift bag. And the guy was like, oh, honey, look at this. This donkey is smelling. And the guy was like, oh, honey, look at this. This donkey is smelling. And before he could really think, the donkey just chomped the bottom of the gift bag, ripped it open like a lion at sinewy flesh.

And just candy exploded all over the street. And the guy was still standing there stunned, not knowing what to do. While this donkey was just going, like gobbling all this saltwater taffy off the street. And I was just like, oh, now I don't feel bad for making the donkeys fat on some carrots I bought at Safeway. This is definitely worse. Donkeys do. Donkeys do. And the taffy makes a donkey look like he's talking.

It shouldn't surprise anyone here that I went somewhere that is literally donkey land for the weekend. that is literally donkey land for the weekend. We went to Tijuana and spent the day. No, no, Blaine, not that story. Oh, okay. Donkey, donkey, donkey. Are you flying?

There's some sort of taboo spin on donkeys? That can't be true. My wife gets really upset when I say donkey because I pronounce it donkey and not donkey. I say donkey. Some people say donkey. Yeah, I say donkey. That's what he's saying, donkey. He's saying donkey.

Yeah, I say donkey. Yeah. He even pronounces legs, legs. Do you eat at Dunkin' Donuts? That's because he knows how to use them. No. You don't like Dunkin' Donuts? I say Dunkin' Donuts. I say Dunkin' Donuts.

I say it like monkey. Monkey, donkey. Shock the donkey. That'd be perfect in pre-ha my e-hop people. But that's not even like an accent thing. That's just a U-shape. That's a person who's been dunked.

Is it donkey? Blaine is from Baltimore. He's from Pennsylvania. Blaine is from Baltimore. Well, from Pennsylvania, but yeah, I lived there. His Pennsylvania comes out funny, and I love it, frankly. But I feel like donkey monkey, that's just a weird Blaine accent. That's not it. Can I do something I've been doing in the car? No.

I've been singing the Roto. Maybe. Depends on what it is. Yeah, exactly. I've been singing the Roto... Oh, yes. Depends on what it is. Yeah, exactly. I've been singing the Roto-Rooter theme in a Baltimore accent. Can I do it now? Sure.

Call Roto-Rooter, that's the name, and away goes trouble down the dreams. Roto-Rooter. Thank you, hon. Thank you, hon. I got some I've been doing stand up again so we know what that means

people handing me cash after the show I got some in Philly and then I got one in Austin the Austin guy has helped us a lot over the years thanks Austin guy I'll get to his name

in a second, but for Philly it said Hi Brian, I'm a long time fan of yours and have been a podcast listener since the very beginning. Swore I would give you cash if I ever got to see you live. Send Sarah some love from one perpetual straight man

to another. Much love to all. John, also known as anatomically correct, war forged. Also known as the cleric of the Poseidon domain. And then more jokes to come. Stay metal. I will always stay metal, John. I'm not a straight man. I don't know.

I know my voice is deep but i actually i'm actually a cis woman straight straight man to uh a team of jackasses i get it now because it's yeah i understand it's so weird that you didn't understand the irony of that joke it's less you're less man and more men. Straight man. Straight man. Jack asses or donkeys. Let me explain straight mans to you. Because I'm a man. Straight man, get in here.

You want to see me? I got a hundred doll hairs from this gentleman right here. And it says, Dear Nerd Poker, this is in Austin. I did. By the way, if you live in Austin, Texas, and you don't go to J.T. Habersat's altercation festival that he does once a year.

And of course, we missed a year because of COVID. I did it at Kick Butt Cafe. Blaine, Dan, it's one of the fucking most fun times I've ever had On stage and I always love Austin like I like Cap City I love but it's so much more fun Than a comedy club show it's And he does He does like 10 shows

In a week Eddie Pepitone was One of the headliners Tom Rhodes Was one of the headliners You'll have to text me Who books that one. I will totally throw you in. You should totally know JT. JT's the best.

Yeah, I haven't played Austin. He's like you. It's a guy I met on the road, and I've been friends with him ever since we met. You know, it's like you, Derek Sheen, Jeremy Essig, people like that, where I just hit it off right away, and we became pals forever. But his festival is amazing. Dear nerd poker. Here's a hundred dollars from your old fans in Austin.

Thank you for laughing at our yield. Palladino's jokes. Your show is a ray of hope amongst the divorces within our group. Wow. Too real. Love forever. Oh, I I. Love forever. Oh, I've been there. Yes.

Love forever. Impavenous Goldfrap, Zorl, Gracelake, Opal, C. Lou, Avani, and P.S. Dan will get you to ChupacabraCon as a paid-for guest. Oh, lovely. I don't know. Is that a real thing, ChupacabraCon? I feel like I've talked to this guy at some point. That sounds like a very familiar conversation,

but I can't verify in my brain. Convention for Chupacabras? Yeah, it's the goat sucker. I think they might just call it that. It also might be like a tabletop gaming thing where it's like oh no it celebrates the goat sucker the chupacabra

this feast upon the blood of the goats but thanks you guys and Austin and Pavadius and Zorl and everybody in that group really appreciate it you guys and our Patreon listeners keep us going. That's all I have for housekeeping.

You want to do some more, Dan? You got some people we should thank? I sure will. You guys, thank you so much. Everyone who's listening, you're a real goddamn treat. Thank you for doing that. And if you support us on Patreon at all, well, look at you.

Aren't you a king-sized treat that we got in our trick-or-treat bag? But I really want to thank those oversized gummy bears that are like a foot and a half tall that make you really sick if you have more than one bite of it the day after Halloween. And I am, of course, talking about our Hay boss and stargoyle tears over on patreon i give those folks shout out i want to start with somebody whose name i messed up a couple episodes ago thank you peter leipzig thanks peter thanks for supporting us peter i called you i think like ken leipzig or something because i was staring at ken on zoom i don't know why the fuck i did or i called him like dave or something yeah for life uh also thank you the one and only

james brooks wow thanks james um we enjoy every time i know and i feel like anytime you can spot a running gag that doesn't get directly like flagged, it means the bit is done and I'll have to find new running gags to insert into this a little, uh, thank you. Suboptimal dad. Thank you. Thanks.

Who is of course my improv friend from Chicago. Thank you. Shlubble. But thanks. Thank you. Brian Hall. Thank you. Wolves ate my house.

Oh, that's terrible. Thank you. A wizard, Wolves Ate My House. Oh, that's terrible. Thank you, A Wizard But Broccoli. Thank you. Thank you, Aaron, Listening From Ecuador, Murphy. Ooh! That's the keto success.

We appreciate that. Thank you, Dr. Balls, Paging Dr. M.F. Balls. Of course. Of course. Of course, after a listener from far away, we get a dumb old American. Dr. Balls. Thanks, man. Thanks, Robert Nichols.

Thanks, Le Twig. Thank you, Billy's Cinderblock Airport Bag. Thank you, Danny's Bahamut-sized Math Class Oops Boner. Really was hoping to get Brian to spit that Starbucks he was talking about. Thank you, Shane. Thank you. Thank you, Natural22.

If I have to explain, I'm sending money to the wrong podcast I think we've used that one before but that's so good thank you JJ Lee thank you Bruce Valanche's sweaty merkin thank you cookie fish thank you if I had one wish

I'd bring back that kid Blaine lit up I just want you that kid Blaine lit up. Ah. Ah. I just want you to know Blaine stared directly into his webcam with stoicism when I said that. Thank you, Chris B. Thanks, Chris. Thank you. Thank you.

The built-in bottle opener on Terry's left Birkenstock, he insists, can also open bottles of wine quote unquote no problem and you knew this was going to happen thank you of course finally Matt Mendoza marketing manager at the haunted airport where Blaine's dead jokes go to land run by Gus and that kid

Blackie lit up and of course it was twee who lit that kid up not that kid Blackie lit up. And of course, it was Tweet who lit that kid up, not Blackie. Blackie is innocent. You can't prove anything. Nothing sticks against Blackie Green. Hey, Blaine, after that relentless roasting,

do you have it in you to tell us who those Patreon supporters were brought to us by? I sure do, Dan. Tonight's Patreon supporters were brought to us by. They sure do, Dan. Tonight's Patreon supporters were brought to us by... Hi, I'm Dr. Leon Love, Urology. It's Tidus E. and I. If you have problems, come see me and I'm going to solve them.

I love urology. I'm Dr. Leon Love. I'm going to make urology my allergy. Oh, my God. Stop. Stop the kiss song. We're going to get sued. Dan? Yeah.

Do you really want us to get sued by Gene Simmons after the kid rock bullshit we went through six years ago? He'll be cool with it. Gene, if you're listening, I went to your mini golf course in Sacramento. I'm a big fan. I bought that 45. I'm part of the army.

Well, that I heard gets you a discount at Wendy's. Yeah. I also get on planes early. And then as soon as they let me on, I go, Kiss Army, motherfucker! Oh, you don't tell them up front. I was thinking that before the Kiss Army was included.

I go, I served in the Army. I get to get on first. And then they let me on, and I go, Kiss Army, motherfuckers! I would never do that. That's terrible. Thanks for your service uh real people that really served i was trying to do the improv thing and imagine we lived in an alternate universe where it was encouraged to be in the kiss army so you could get on the plane early i was trying to give you

sure throw you a bone brian yeah thank you i don't think that you're an irresponsible jackass your improv skills are impeccable you teach us all you're an improv teacher really what sad as i am all right uh you guys i think it's time to talk about what happened last time on nerd poker the castaway cuties were headed south to go kind of reconvene and decide what to do about the cabal or perhaps fetching the hammer, but whoopsie doodle,

there's a bug bug in Danny's throat hole. After a few failed attempts to get a weird parasite out of Danny's tonsils, it appears it's embedded itself quite well. Will the Castaway Cuties save Danny's throat? Or is he doomed to never be a contestant on American Idol and never get to be the second coming of Kelly Clarkson like he once dreamed? You'll have to find out on today's episode. So yeah, you guys are headed south, right? Yeah, give me some

Ipecac. Let's do this. We already tried to have a bird pull it out and use an arrow to get it out. Yeah, and you know, in the interest of fun, I should say, you don't have to address this now. You're not like choking, but I would of course understand that you would be like with a sense of urgency.

I think Danny feels it has a priority of at least personally. At least personally. That's what I already suggested before. Yeah, that's it. Yeah, cut the thing set off. Oh, no, I meant yours.

Oh, okay. Sure. It started right here, right here right well the thing the thing that's unfortunate is you guys missed the medicine check enough times now and even the animal handling check with your little birdie friend that your tonsils are now kind of scratched and inflamed and the bug is like hiding out of you so you know it's it's not something that you can easily do some finer uh solutions like surgically removing the head of this bug fuck dude thing um yeah well that's that's the downside of kind of the party starting with your low constitution saving throw uh then missing a few rolls in a row um but like i said you're not dying um other than the irritation and the tickling and the fact that

it's just kind of like it's kind of dry and hurts like it did before you tried to take it out uh it's not like you're choking right like it really is something that you can kind of tell yourself, Oh, I bet I can make it all the way to playing bottom. Sure. But, um, you guys feel like I, as a group, at least your characters do that.

You're out of options. Okay. Well, I don't want to think about it anymore. So let's just keep going and pretend it never happened. I don't know. I think everyone really loved that. I use my gravelly voice to describe it up top,

like in graphic detail. I don't think any listeners stopped subscribing to us in their feet uh so yeah you guys yes hey you know i have a uh some bottles of weird alcohol that i've been carrying with me that that uh we got somewhere previously but they were very uh they were in a a a cache of of of prizes that we had gone through. Is there a way that we could maybe test these things or maybe use

them to see if we could get this bug drunk or knock it out, sterilize it? We'll get Brian comically drunk. Then he could do Drunken Master stuff for a fight i'm gonna try that can he try to spit it up can he like you kind of you're kind of at a

a current loss like i would let you try again but right now your throat is so full you know if you did it it would just it would not work um you can gargle by full i mean like swollen yeah yeah so this is alcohol you found in the sort of wine uh room of the house that you took over from the hag and you haven't used it yet you did have one bottle that you realized let nathan whiskers hallucinate the orbs oh right it's not alcohol it's a potion no i didn't say that but it's it came from very suspicious alcohol cash and so you're probably going to have something either weird happen or it's you know very expensive i'm gonna try to drink something i'd rather drink drink something than not try something

you know it's you can drinker it you can drink it you can gargle it just tell us what it is and I'm gonna have you do a role of a mysterious kind once you tell me do you I mean do you want to do this I'm just suggesting ways to knock this bug out yeah I want to try like if we

if we get it fucked up then maybe we can it can do some like funny dance moves and we can smash with it again my baby hello my darling yeah you can do uh any number of things you just got to tell me if it's not gargling or swallowing and and do you again throat's too swollen to do any uh very fine-tuned surgical solutions yeah i'll try something sarah loves that didn't move on like she asked us to. What are you going to do? I'm sitting back and letting it happen. I want to try to drink something.

Alright, so you're going to drink it down. Please, sir, do a constitution saving throw against prismatic diarrhea. Oh no, I'll vial it. 17 and then plus whatever my uh pulling it up

here uh I got a plus 3 right so 20 oh no wait constitution saving through uh yeah it's plus 3 okay uh you guys see Danny chug this thing Danny for a second you're like wow it just sort of

tastes like rum and then your eyes roll back in your head and you frunk onto the ground um you go into a very vivid lucid dream um the rest of you just see him kind of laying there in a heap but brian you're walking around on this marshland and you see ahead of you about 50 feet away there is a large boulder with some sort of creature crouching on it okay i walk towards it okay you see a strange large toad about the size of a German shepherd wearing a little cape. Hi, friend. Hello. My name is Danny.

Welcome, Danny. Do you live here now? I don't think so. I just had a bug in my throat and I swallowed something. What does that have to do with anything? You just caught me. That's where I am right now. That's my deal. Is that why you came here? To find the bug and remove it? Yes. Do you want help removing

the bug, Danny? Yes, I do. All you have to do is lick my hand, and he holds out this little toad arm. And I will grant you some of my magic power to remove the bug. What the fuck?

This is like when Homer met that coyote, so I'm just gonna do it. Alright. Please do a charisma saving throw. Who hasn't been out in the desert, man, and had a crazy night or two, right guys? Right, listeners? Totally.

Yeah, right. You played Joshua Tree while you're at Joshua Tree? Totally. Yeah, right. You play Joshua Tree while you're at Joshua Tree? Wow. Yeah. Listen to the whole album. What am I doing? Charisma saving throw. And also, you're playing nerd poker. Oh, yeah, yeah.

What's up, guys? I'm cool. Are you a cop? You have to to tell us I'm not a cop I got an 18 man and 3 plus 15 I like this stone Brian I've never seen him

so we'll get back to you in a second Brian the rest of you yeah you see Danny I'm cool you see Danny fall in a heap he hasn't woken up yet what do you do I'm gonna tilt his head back and clear his airway I'm gonna cover my mouth

are we out of the danger zone for these things getting in our mouth? You think so. You think this thing snuck at his throat, like, a half mile back or something. Okay. We can put, like, we can put some, we can put scarves around our mouths and sort of do an allegory to what's happening

today and, you know, in these unprecedented times. Oh, yeah. Yeah, I'm just gonna check to make sure he's okay so as you clear his airways um you almost immediately see it's coming out it's like this very flat kind of like wider than it is long beetle um and it kind of quivers like a like a long bow like right like the it's almost like it's it's loosely carapace and it starts floating out of his mouth as if by telekinetics and it gets a few feet over his head and then it covered my mouth and then like as if this is how like one of the bugs natural abilities you see something

that makes you really glad it's no longer in his throat it sort of opens like an accordion like it kind of like goes and like it's it's like a slinky dog the head of this thing and the legs of this thing are kind of wiggling like trying to grab at the air and it's become like six inches long um and then it goes flick and it just kind of goes sails into the woods danny you wake up will you please roll a 100-sided dice ew goes without saying but still let's say it yeah yeah good job yeah that was very disturbing you're welcome yeah i'll be over with a sheet cake

anyone else watch a horror movie last night watched halloween i watched halloween three no nice season of the Witch. I watched His House. That shit's very scary. His House? Yeah, it's a Netflix movie. Oh. Did you guys see anything for Jackson on Netflix?

No, it's on Shudder? No. No. Oh, watch it immediately. One of the best horror flicks I've seen in a while. For Jackson? Anything for Jackson. Making a note.

Yeah. Yeah. Cool. Really great. I also highly recommend Dragula, the horror-themed drag queen competition on Shudder. All right. Sounds good. Something bad's going to happen to me. Oh, what did you roll?

It was really high, dude. 97. All right. You look over it. 97. All right. You look over it. That's not good. Spider power, spider power, spider powers. You look over at your friends and you see Jelf is holding this mysterious bottle of like black wine that you guys procured from the house. house and you get this very clear feeling

that you owe some kind of very important debt to the magical toad whose paw you just licked and that he will come calling at an unspecified time in the future. Okay. Fun.

Cool. Would you like to head south to your house? Yeah. I thought it was gonna be worse oh i'm sure it means nothing going to a magical toad i was right out of mind yeah these things never go wrong so you head south uh and you reach the borders of bling bottom um as you walk like sort of onto the northernmost streets near your house you see a couple of townspeople glance at you and kind of go like like like suck through their teeth and kind of like have a worried look on their face

as they kind of like put their heads down and walk away What happened to our house? I run. I'm running to our house. Iva, you sprint as fast as you can to your house and there's a guard outside of it and blood splattered all over the front door. Uncle Owen?

Epiru? Okay, what happened here? You asked the guard? Yeah. I'm afraid there's been a murder is this your home murder would you say that there's about to be a murder mystery there's suddenly he goes from being a generic npc guard to having a very like arched eyebrow and says why yes there is a bit of a murder mystery afoot would you like to participate um

and he uh yeah he says uh what's what what's your business this is our home this is our home let us in who's been murdered what's happened I do a persuasion check please I mean that's a 14 and it's disappointing because I have a plus 8.

Wow. So, yeah, he says can't give you the details, but the old man was murdered. No. Yes, you can give us the details.

It's our house. You're going to have to get your information somewhere else. It's confidential. To who? It's Caleb Thudskull business. Who the hell is Caleb Thudskull? Caleb Thudskull, your character is aware, is the sort of like mob baron of blink bottom

you can go back inside your house might want to use some bleach on that door but uh the mess was rather dramatic and so who wasn't there a lock i'll improvise this dialogue a little longer was it so if somebody like tried to open the door they would explode right or was that true am i making that that's the impression you got um you kind of like the guard it starts to walk away a little bit you can still grab them again we can do more weird dialogue but like the you see the door looks like it has had like uh an impact point and blood splattering outwards from it so it doesn't necessarily look like anyone broke in the house so much as maybe he was pinned to the door with a spear or something is it our guy what's his name who died or is he inside yeah i mean you get you get the impression

they're talking about octavio octavia yourler guy, yeah. Where's his body? I asked the guy, the guard, before he leaves. Oh, we sent it to the morgue. I feel like, okay, we gotta, guys, we gotta get on this right away before the evidence is destroyed. Okay.

How long ago did this happen? He mentions at some point that this happened last night the body was how long have we been gone didn't we just run out of the house in the middle of the night and then come back yeah so it must have happened right after you left uh suspicious i'd suspect us uh should we go and ID the body yeah I think we should either go to the morgue or split up and at least some of us go to the morgue

you can split the party please split the party and watch what happens yeah you can you can um uh yeah I feel like maybe we don't want to leave I feel like half of us should go in the house and see what we see and like make sure nothing gets tampered with and then I'll go to the house and see what we see and make sure nothing gets tampered with. And then I'll go to the morgue and examine the body with whoever else wants to come.

Whereas good investigation and medicine and stuff. All that kind of thing. All right. So who's staying in the house? Who's heading to the morgue? Give me a roll call. There's four of you. I almost said five.

I'll stay here. And go to the morgue? Give me a roll call. There's four of you. I almost said five. I'll stay here. And go to the morgue. Alright, so it's Iva and Jelf at the morgue and Tootie and Danny at the house. That makes sense. Okay. Tootie, Danny, you go inside.

Why don't you both roll an investigation check as you scan the house to see if anything has been burgled? Or cheese burgled. Hmm, that sounds great. Have you now mentioned a sheet cake? I got a 14. Yeah, I haven't eaten.

I'm hungry. I had an In-N-Out for lunch, though, so. Now I just want a sheet cake. Oh I had an In-N-Out for lunch though So now I just want a sheet cake Oh, I had In-N-Out yesterday Hot tip if you're a vegetarian Get In-N-Out with grilled cheese And onions and chopped chilies I also got a 14

Do you get the animal style vegetarian? Yeah, well they just put everything on it You end up getting like a grilled cheese With 12 vegetables on it, it's delicious I get it, mineral style with galena uh my favorite uh item off the secret menu at in and out is the deep dish pizza have you had it it's fantastic everyone everything you've ever heard is true the deep dish pizza you gotta ask for it but they've always got it going yeah i've had that you have to ask like a lot like you have to be willing to spend a half an hour just asking for it they don't they're trying to fuck with you

even though they're christians it feels kind of like some cops showed up and they just ordered some pizza from a nearby pizzeria to get you out of there but that's not really what happens this is secret um yeah they always have some going yeah you just gotta wait danny uh 2d you you do feel with a 14 very confident that the the house has not been ransacked um it feels like whatever spell you kind of feel like keeps people out of here happened although you are reminded that vampire got in here in a sort of weird black mist form yeah um and he did need to kind of like open doors uh some doors he could kind of like squeeze through cracks others he couldn't it looked like there's weird uh ways to get around this but you don't see anything knocked over and you feel pretty pretty confident that this was done um while you were gone and not like on top of something being stolen you don't see any

sign of anything being stolen okay good uh i guess we'll just hang out and guard till I have a dance back. You do notice there is a letter on a bureau in the main hall from Nathan, who lets you know that he had to head north to find Octavio's killer. He got there just too late. Interesting. He is also, he says, with Caspia. Okay. Anything else we notice?

That's about it. You do think it's a very nice letter you got from Nathan. You do infer that Princess Caspia is no longer in the process of being transformed by a cleric in the basement of the temple uh so something has happened there um but uh yeah nathan must have just you know headed north while you guys headed south and you just missed him

um iva and jelf you head to the morgue. It only takes a little bit of asking around. It's in the back of an alley behind the bar you drank in a couple of weeks ago. And as you go down the... So you guys head down this alley and you make a dog leg and there is

surprise, surprise, a big wood door with a little sliding window um there's no real signs but just by asking around you figured out okay this is this is the morgue and uh yeah it seems like a very private place in order to not disturb the rest of the town it's it knock knock? Right. So you do the little thing slides open. Who is it?

We're the residents of. The corpse house. Yeah. Right. Right. We need to we need to see our our butler. Butler! We was just preparing him for burials.

Have you come to claim his belongings? Well, I'd like to see his body first, but yes. Well, he's on the table right now. I don't know if you want to see him in that state. I think we can handle it.

Are you from Australia? Right! What were you gonna say, Jelf? I was gonna say what were the you're an expert at these sort of things, what were the circumstances of his death? In one breath. Sorry, I'm trying to rhyme more.

Looked like a spear to the gullet. Hmm. A spear from whom?'m trying to rhyme more. Look like a spear to the gullet. Hmm. A spear from whom? Send him to the tomb. I might let you in, might tell you more, but might want to grease me palms first. Uh,

how about a little something I call a jar of Nutella? I do love a hazelnut. Think about it. Think about it. Yeah, what do we have? I don't have my...

Yeah, I'm going to give him a... Let's see. How greasy does your palm need to be to let us look at a dead body? Don't ask him he'll just give us the number the number slowly increases as joe asks the obvious

seriously could it be more do you think it could be more i'm gonna give him five silver pieces he uh goes oh big spender and the door the little eye things slap shut he opens the door and he's a very old minotaur uh

he he's like hang on one second and he like shuffles off little hooves going like dragging because he's old um he he comes back up cleaned it up a little bit for you in there okay let's do this

all right i'm gonna go ahead and I'm gonna delete some pictures of my cats from my phone so that I have enough room to take some pictures. So, there is... We're gonna delete his phone so we didn't find anything embarrassing. There is an altar-like slab with a

body that has a sheet thrown over it, and there is a bag next to it that says uh things written on it do either of us have any sort of magic detection um no but i have i'm i'm it's like my job to investigate things so i'm gonna investigate the shit out of this body okay i'm gonna bag that says things on it uh why don't you do the do you want to do the body and uh i'll do the thing i have i have medicine the things bag yeah i'll do the body okay yeah great wording love it all right cool uh and action uh yeah whoever's doing the body roll, medicine,

and then anything else in the room is an investigation check. Oh, wait. I can't investigate. I'm investigating the body. I'm not trying to fix him. All right. I'll allow it, McCoy. Yeah, you can do it.

I'm looking for like a moth shoved down his... Oh, God dang it. Thank you for not cursing. Phone. This is a family show. This is not acceptable to me. Is it luck point time? I've already used...

I think all of them... No, I have one more and I'm using it because I'm tired of this. Yes. You already used it trying to get the bug out of Danny's throat. This is all darn outrageous. Okay, 18. Okay, so you're going over his body and yeah, the wound is pretty bad.

You could see why it would be fatal. Looks like it probably took out a couple of vital parts of him. It's of course sad. Sad moment. And you're kind of like very tempted to just throw the sheet over him

uh at a certain point because you don't see anything super obvious he's on you know he's still got a kind of like a like a robe over himself it looks like the the mortician kind of hastily dressed him for you um but you realize when you live you kind of like push the robe aside he has what looks very much like vampire bite marks on his neck okay how do vampires work in this world like will he become a vampire maybe there's no no no uh not if we drink some of that stuff in that bottle I got. Uh, go ahead and do a history check for that one.

Okay. Dolph is checking out that thing bag, right? Yeah, I'm going through his items. Wow. I got an eight, so... Yeah, you're not 100% sure, but you do feel like there is a chance that he could still turn undead

uh do any of you guys have any sort of undead thing going on i know i know nathan has some undead uh turning stuff going on right but he's not well i mean i guess the question he's not yet so we could like decapitate him or something and then it probably wouldn't happen. But. Do a steak thing. There's basically like you, you, okay, you, you will know this much. What you don't know is how, where he's at in the process. You know, you can be drained of your blood and just die.

But if Octavio drank any of the vampire's blood that is what would turn him you don't see like any signs that he could have drank blood any signs that he is twitching or anything so you don't see any additional evidence but that is that is where the line is the old minotaur vampire is that what's going to be the twist here, Dan? What'd you say about me? You're not a secret vampire, are you? You didn't drink the blood of this corpse. You're not one of those blood-drinking vampire corpse guys. Nah!

Okay, good. I'll take your word for it. You don't seem like a guy that would give me any bull. Whoa! Whoa, jeez! I never heard that one before! Thank God someone finally told that joke in here. Are you ever going to do that

roll for the things bag there, Blaine? Yes. I rolled a 13 plus 3, which is a 16. Okay, so there is about 6 gold. gold yep uh it's pretty visceral in here pretty gross but kind of like underneath like there's there's like a like a handbag that kind of looks like he used

for something that's just sort of been torn up like from damage. And underneath that, there is a piece of parchment paper. He realized is actually pretty big, but it has been kind of scrunched up. Okay. That goes in one of my special jelf pockets. We open it up. Should we?

Yeah. I mean, do we want, do we want to read it here? Do we want to read it when all of us can get hurt by what it does? Oh, I guess I just wasn't thinking that it might hurt us. I just thought it might give us information. Yeah.

Okay. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Well, let's just maybe take everything back. And then if we feel like there's a body thing, then we can come back later and kill him and also kill the vampire Minotaur. Okay. Sounds good. there's a body thing then we can come back later and uh and kill him and also kill the vampire minotaur okay sounds good okay so uh you unfold the note and i'm going to put in the chat what the note says um in just a second and you can choose to read that out loud at your leisure but

uh it's just like a big piece of paper you can see it looks like this spear might have actually gone through the center of it there's blood on it and written in this almost magically black ink that you can read through the dark red blood

outlined in sort of glowing white is this message better not be about my car warranty hit it outlined in sort of glowing white is this message. Better not be about my car warranty. Hit it. Reading, reading, reading. Everyone is reading. Do we want to read this out loud to the guys?

I bet listeners are like, why is no one reading this out loud? Dan should have just read this out loud. What is happening? I can't see it. I'm at the house. Close on note, dear castaways, Should have just read this out loud. What is happening? I can't see it. I'm at the house. Close on note.

Dear castaways, you stole this home from we, the cabal. I will now steal something back. Lord, I'm a legda of Howbelly. What's the Dan pronunciation of that? I'm a legda. I'm a legda of Howbelly. Right? Yep. Howbelly. Anyway, that's what that says.alegda. Amalegda of Howbelly. Right? Yep. Howbelly.

Anyway, that's what that says. And there's a hole in the middle with blood on it? Yeah. Okay. Looks like this was stuck to Octavio on your door. Hmm. They could have just, I don't know, written it on him in Hannah. There's a lot of ways they could have just like i don't know like written it on him and in hannah

there's a lot of ways they could have handled it differently some might argue less confrontationally yeah it was very very passive aggressive this one yes now now they stole us and now now if he's the note what do you think they're going to steal back from us? What do we have at the house that this cabal... Is it our lives or souls? Why don't you roll an insight check, you two? Is it the ring? Or is it... Can I check in back at the house?

Do I find the hammer? You don't know. I'll check in with you back at the house in a second. Let me get this one more roll out of him. I rolled a natural 20 plus five. Ah, okay. There you go. And Jelf rolled a thing.

Iva, you feel like there are some clues laid out before you and all of a sudden, like chalkboard formulas in front of Zach Galifianakis or that one dude in that other movie where he's a math genius you start to see some things fall together the vampire bite marks are of course similar to the vampire that you guys hunted down but it seems he didn't have time to do something like this that guy you were following the whole time. This seems like probably a different vampire, different member of the cabal.

And like the guy that you took care of, this guy is also a lord. And so therefore, he is probably also a vampire. And the vampire you found at the house who probably knew this vampire had barrels of blood with people's names on it in his basement which reminded you

of that Iron Maiden thing in the basement that you could use with some blood to transform your appearance and you remembered oh there might have been vials of our blood I wonder if he's going to do something with the vials of our blood I wonder if he's

going to do something with the vials of our blood and steal something from us on an even bigger scale but we have the vials of our blood they were empty they'd already been emptied yeah but you don't know

what they the vials of your blood were stained as if they once held blood. Right. Dan, you're gonna have to lay it out for me more. Are we, are you saying that we think that now there are walking clones of us already existing and they're going to use those clones to steal stuff?

Yes. Okay. I don't believe it. Now you're just making stuff up. Now, do we light this body up? Do we cut the head off? Do we drive a stake through it? What do we do?

I feel like we can just let him. And let's get back. I feel like we can just let him be, right? I mean, unless... What are you going to... I asked the Minotaur guy what he's going to do with it. Are you going to remade him, bury him? What happens to him? unless what are you gonna I asked the minotaur guy what he's gonna do with him how did they are you gonna

remade him bury him what happens to him I'll probably I'll just I'll just you know I'll burn him because if

if we're you know it's weird stuff happens with bodies if you don't burn them and then you tell people

oh he was too much of a mess we couldn't have a wake and really you just burned him and you put the cheapest coffin you got.

You put some of the ashes in there and you bury that. All right. I'm going to give him one of the gold pieces and say, get him something nice. You got it. Back at the house. Yeah, you're looking around. You're not really seeing too much, too much, uh, different. It seems pretty good, Brian and Ken.

But, um, you do, uh, as you're sort of finishing looking around, um, Danny. Dan. Yeah, I'm here. Yep. You notice, um, out of the corner of your eye someone who looks really familiar you think you see iva in another room as if she's already home uh-oh but i don't know what they just found out no you're looking around and um like as you and 2d are like finishing up on the

top floor you see uh someone kind of like walking through like from the sleeping quarters towards the front door uh just out of the corner and you're like oh is that iva leaving what what yeah okay um do a stealth check please yeah okay um do a stealth check please 2d are you also following or are you just kind of nodding at danny and holding down the fort yeah i'm just looking around for anything missing

i can't find anything with that 14 yet all the 14 gets you is noticing i will leave the house so do i also see i have a back yeah but he was noticing Iva leave the house. So, do I also see Iva back? Yeah. But, I mean, we're talking about a split second, so...

19. Okay. You see Danny sneaking down the stairs as Iva leaves the house. What are you going to do? As Iva leaves? Hmm? I see Danny sneaking around as Iva leaves the house? Yeah, Danny gets really like stealthy following

Iva and you feel like something's weird Well, I don't want to break Danny's stealth. I guess I'll just stay here and guard the house Okay Danny, you follow around the back of the house as Iva seems to be going

in the back and I'm going to roll a dice Iva starts to go for the cellar door looks over her shoulder sees you from like you know 50 feet away and says

in a very familiar Iva voice Danny quick someone just stole something from the house can you go check no from where find it we're gonna we're gonna we're gonna have to make that a next time on nerd poker how they respond danny saying no from where. Hey, Sam, what do you think happened on this episode? On episode 61, we're solving a throat bug with mystery alcohol.

It reminds me in the 20s when they would solve your illness with cocaine. We met a toad in a cape who got the bug out, who's for sure going to spank Danny later. We got to our house and we are pissed. Nobody kills our slaves. We headed to the morgue weaseling our way in we found some vampire marks on his neck and we were very excited because that means he can come back to life and we can put him back to work uh also there are probably clones of us which means we can go on adventures and they can climb up the side of a boat for an hour absolutely goddamn right we We pay him.

Have you ever heard of a job? We did. He's dead now. He's not a slave. He is a slave to the rhythm. Anything anybody wants to plug? I'll be in Sacramento Thanksgiving weekend doing some

shows, so keep an eye on social media for that. I'll be doing a longish set so that should be fun and then I'll be doing some shows in LA in December so keep an eye out for those also cool I have well when is this

air next week yep yeah I have one week left on the calendar here for this year. I will be in Kansas City at the Comedy Club of Kansas City, I think it's called. But check out BrianBassain.com for that date. The weekend before Thanksgiving, I think the 18th of November. And then I'm off December and look for dates in January

I'll be coming to Florida and some other places I've got Portland coming up can't wait Portland with Derek Sheen in February so look for that that's it for right now comic book news coming soon

brianpersain.com always the place to see any of that though. Anybody else? Hey, Blaine, do you have any like projects going on right now? Uh, I'm a head mechanic for,

uh, the Stacy Keach 500 food truck race. It's going to be, it's going to be fun. People come for the accidents, but the, uh, the taste is no accident.

Oh, my God. Nice. Anybody else? Oh, and also, listen to Gimme Metal, Grandpa's Metal Stash. I just recorded episode 72. I've been doing it for over a year now, and it's a total blast. But come listen to Grandpa play some metal.

That is it. We'll see you guys next time. Thanks for your, you know, you know, you know, you know, right? Bye. Thanks for listening to another episode of Nerd Poker.

You can follow us at patreon.com slash nerdpoker, and you get bonus episodes from there. And you can also send us anything at P.O. Box 16069, Encino, California, 91416. Thanks for listening.