Nerd Poker - S4E62 Bloodsuckers Suck

Episode Date: November 16, 2021

Those damn vamps! Always messing with a party's party. The cabal is pulling some really lame stuff, and boy oh boy killing them will be nice.

Hey everybody, I'm Brian Poussin, Comedian, writer, actor, nerd. I've been playing D&D with my friends for a long time. I decided to do a new podcast where we play Dungeons & Dragons in my very own dining room. With my wife, kid, and my noisy dogs. So meet my friends... Sarah Kev Dan

Blay Chris Now it's time for another episode of Brian Poussaint's Nerd Poker. Season 4. Hey, everybody. I'm Brian Poussaint. You're listening to Brian Poussaint's Nerd Poker, Episode 62. Seven fingers up here.

That's Blaine giggling. Uh, my friends are here. Look at them. Uh, we're down Chris again. Dan. Hey buddy. Yeah. Good to see you.

The DM of your dreams, everybody. Dan Telfer. Uh, who else do we have here? Oh, look, it's Ken Daly. You guys. Oh, there, there I am. I'm me. Hello. To Telfer. Who else do we have here? Oh, look! It's Ken Daly, you guys. Oh, there I am. I'm me. Hello. Tootie. Good to see you. Yes, hello. I'm good. Sarah is here. Look at her.

Hello. Wah, wah. Good to see you. We've got our man who keeps us going. He's the engineer of this show. Produces. Sits there looking handsome and millennial.

Look at him. Sam, everybody. Hello, sweet children. How are you, dude? I'm good, man. I'm good, man. I'm good. Cool. And cutest dog ever is just he's much happier now because I brought warm laundry in and

he's keeping it safe. I thought you let him eat pennies. No, I gave him all the forks and knives I found in the ground. Dogs love knives. Needles, old, old nitrous shots. Light bulb bottoms. Yeah. There's a lot of nitrous shots in the hills here.

These kids, I think it's back, you guys. I see white claw and nitrous shots. The kids are really partying in the hills of Encino when I walk my dogs. Yeah. Dan. Ryan, would you like me to thank some people who support our podcast at the higher level? Yeah, watch me.

I'm gonna. Thank you guys so much. You go by usernames like Gam of Lod. Thank you. Thanks, Gam. That was a joke. Thanks,od. Thank you. Thanks, Gam. That was a joke. Thanks, Gam. Thank you. Cheezus. Cheezus crust?

It looks like he tried to say like Jesus Christ, but Cheezus crust. Very interesting spelling. Anyway, what a delight that was to try to figure out. Kendra's rule. Thank you, Kendra's rule. Thank you Kender's Rule. Thank you. Thank you, Kender's Rule. Thank you, Black Miro.

Thank you. Thanks, Black Miro. Thank you, Hawkeye Pierce. Thank you, Dink Stein Cooler. Thank you. Thank you, Flat Dick Society. Yay. Remember, Dark Throat's Flat Penis?

FDS. Thank you. Am I doing this right, Dan? Am I,is? FDS. Thank you. Am I doing this right, Dan? Am I, huh? Am I? Thank you. Miami. Moons over Miami.

Thank you, Sarah's Toilet Rat, which is, of course, a reference to a very real rat that came up through Sarah's very actual toilet. For sure. The legend becomes the truth. It's true. It's true. It's true. It's true.

It's true. It's true. It's true. It's true. It's true. It's true. It's true. It's true.

It's true. It's true. It's true. It's true. It's true. It's true. It's true. It's true.

It's true. It's true. It's true. It's true. It's true. It's true. It's true. It's true.

It's true. It's true. It's true. It's true. It's true. It's true. It's true. It's true.

It's true. It's true. It's true. It's true. It's true. It's true. It's true. It's true.

It's true. It's true. It's true. It's true. It's true. It's true. It's true. It's true. It's true. It's true. It's true. It's true. the legend becomes the truth thank you man servant Hecubus a very real Dave Foley character from a very real television show thank you see the dungeon pee the dungeon, twee the dungeon, master

aka nerd poker theme from season one at least the way I heard it the tune of Thumbelina thank you, no spaces in that username. Thank you, Chris Ayers. Thank you, Chris. Thank you, Josh D. Thank you, Josh. Thank you. When you gonna let Sam

play? He's played. He has. Remember to check out that episode we played, folks, on YouTube with Sam at the Dungeons and Dragons like festival thing in Los Angeles. Oh that too yeah that was serious. That's where Terry

grew some little bat wings that people tend to forget that he has. Including Sam. Thank you Gus's Free Willy. Thank you. Thanks Gus. Thank you Yertle the weed smoking droid tortle. Thank you. This one like saw the future about that toad thing

oh I guess so uh hmm thank you burnt sienna hulk thank you pardon me I had to mute and cough uh oh no uh I accidentally did that thing where you push a button and the little button jumps around in the spreadsheet.

Okay, thank you, Philip Rainsford. Thank you, Michael Berlekamp. Thank you, Lord Irakin. Thank you, Skyler McVaugh. Thank you. And finally, thank you. Am I the only one who changes my name each quarter? We appreciate it.

Yes or no? It's awesome to do that. Thanks, Am. I just did a thing to the camera where I was like, I see you. I see you. Hey, Blaine, who are those Patreon supporters who change their names sometimes brought to us by?

Well, tonight they're brought to us by Add Classic. times brought to us by well tonight they're brought to us by a classic hearty's ham and cheese hearty's ham and cheese gas say goodbye to chewing say a load of flavor hearty style with hearty's ham and cheese gas while you're there try the injectable beef and fry Positories Hardee's ham and cheese gas Hardee's ham and cheese gas Dan? I saw injectable beef open for Steel Panther

Alright, well I think it's time for us to talk about what happened last time on Nerd Poker. The castaway cuties rushed to their friend Danny South to get that thing out of his throat. And then Danny thought, what if I drink some weird ass black wine that Jelf offered me? And being that Danny is controlled by a human named Brian Posey, and he did.

And he went to a vision quest where a toad said, I will take that out of your throat if you owe me a favor forever. And Danny was like, yeah, whatevs. So they headed south, only to discover their beloved Butler Octavio had been speared to their front door. After some mortuary digging and some house investigating, it appeared a clone of Iva was exiting the house. We now take you to the backyard where Danny is currently yelling at a clone.

All right, so Danny, you call out, hey, or you don't call out, it sees you out of the corner of its eye because it got a perception check over 20. And you refused to go back inside. You said no. Brian, which one do? Follower. Right now, she's like, go, go. They stole something.

From the from the upstairs no they didn't they stole the ring no what do you mean no did you check what are you doing why are you I was going to see if they stole anything from the cellar why are you pretending to be my friend

do a do you want to do intimidation or persuasion, Brian? You pick. Intimidation. Okay. What's my bonus on it? I'll roll it on D&D Beyond. Cool. Yeah, D&D Beyond will tell you what your bonus is.

That's what I'm thinking. I got too many fun ones many I want to know. For the listeners, let us know if you see your investigation bonus, or I'm sorry, intimidation bonus. Also starts with an I. Jesus Christ.

Yes. So much shit open. Remember Roy Rogers? Did you guys have Roy Rogers when you were thinking about the Hardys were they out here too yeah they had roast beef sandwiches that were insanely good yeah

Danny has a plus 3 to his intimidation go roll that shit Brian no I want Roy Rogers and Hardys looks like a 12 plus 3 15 brought to you by D&D Beyond that shit, Brian. No, I want Roy Rogers and Hardee's. Looks like a 12 plus 3, 15. Brought to you by D&D Beyond. If you're too lazy to roll dice,

D&D Beyond. Click a number. So this, I have a duplicate hears you and then sort of narrows her eyes. I hope so. Well, I'll tell you so. Thank you. I just ate a bug, motherfuckers.

You say as Ivan narrows her eyes at you, I'm going to need you to do a charisma saving throw. Mm-hmm. I'll do it on D&D Beyond. Watch me. It's just a click.

It does the math for you. Yeah, it's really... Saving throw. Right now, by the way, Iva and Jelf are walking back to the house. Da-di-da-di-da. We both have Dairy Queen. We stopped at Dairy Queen.

Nine plus three, Dan. Oh, okay. Twelve. So, Danny, you suddenly feel like it is a really good idea to do whatever Iva tells you.

And Iva says, why don't you punch yourself in the face for a while Danny and you wind up roll a 20 for me Brian oh boy I hate magical bullies

I hate role play now he's not doing yeah now that now that you're charmed I get to magical bullies. I hate role-playing. Now he's not doing it. Now that you're charmed, I get to do all the role-playing for you. Oh, wait. Is it an unarmed strike? On himself?

Yeah, what is it? It is an unarmed strike on himself. Danny N, your unarmed strike is going to be a plus six to hit, and then you're going to roll a one V6 plus three. Oh my god. Look, I got a 20, 14 plus six. At least it's not a nat, right? Yeah. But your armor

class is 16, so that's going to be a hit. Please roll a six-sided die and add three to that sucker. Alright. How do I do six-sided on this? How do you do six-sided on this? How do you do that? If you are on the left side, there's like... Oh, on damage. I just roll damage, right? Yeah, there we go.

It's right next to it. It's just right next to it. Okay. What the fuck? Bludgeoning. 5 plus 3, 8 so you take 8 points of bludgeoning damage as you wind up and sock yourself in the jaw hey Iva and Jelf please

do a perception check you know what 2D you do a perception check too it's gonna be higher for you cause you're inside. 14 plus 6, 20. Okay. Iva, you're way

too into your dilly bar that you just got from Dairy Queen to understand what's happening. I rolled a 19. Oh, that'll do it. You hear some shouting out back. What's not showing up in my hit points?

I don't know. Do you have to do it yourself? Do you have to manually do it? Yeah. Oh, okay. I'm going to run to the sound of the shouting. All right, Jelf, though you are standing next to Iva and, of course, digging around the bottom of the shouting. All right. Uh, Jeff, though you are standing next to Iva and of course,

digging around the bottom of your DQ blizzard, uh, you see across the way, Iva, you don't see anyone else, but you see another Iva behind the house. Um, the,

you don't see Danny right now, but you know, listeners, yes, Danny is there too. The house is just sort of in front of Danny, but you see Iva, like, right over the cell door

pointing at something, and you look next to you and there's Iva. Then you look a few hundred feet away and there's Iva behind the house. And you look next to you and there's Iva. So Iva first. Hmm. Huh. Huh. Too many Ivas. It's like Kudzu.

Too many Ivas? Uh, well i i know that the one that uh the iva that's with me is the real iva yes right yes now now uh iva what do you think about this situation huh i look up for my yeah he points yeah i guess i do the spider-man point at her someone please draw a picture of ivah that is at least the quality of that 1970s spider-man cartoon so that meme can be um and um we're holding dairy queen yeah there has to be queen and jelf is behind yeah i mean do I truly yeah I guess I'm just gonna immediately this is I feel like what I would do in real life too I'm just gonna immediately shoot an arrow at that great as you cock your arrow

and you yes are about to roll to attack you see some very massive wings sprout out of clone Iva's back and begin to go like beating as if to fly away.

Danny, will you roll 20-sided again please to attack yourself? Oh, fuck. This attack, bros, to you by Betty Cracker Cheese Moist. Yay. Betty Cracker Cheese Moist. Three plus six, nine.

All right. You do whiff this time as your fist just kind of. And you laugh. Yeah, you laugh. You do the Nelson Simpsons laugh as you miss. Start hitting yourself. I said, huh? And what did you roll to attack, Iva?

I haven't yet, but I will right now. I wish you would, because that would be great. Okay, uh, that is a 19 to hit. Mmm, that's a hit. Danny, as you whiff and you wind up to punch yourself a third time, uh, you notice an arrow suddenly whistle by and go thud right into Iva's chest. Iva, again, Danny, has enormous, you know, carriage-sized bat wings growing from her back and she appears to be flying away.

And she kind of goes like, and looks down, kind of plucks the arrow out, begins flying up pretty high. Tootie, you come around the side of the house and notice there's an iva with enormous bat wings about 10 feet in the air uh-huh how far away danny is winding up to punch himself in the face but you can't quite figure out why the damage doesn't even matter on this lady oh i'm sorry i just i just dumb dumb forgot please roll your your damage. My question is, I was going to use a... I only did four points of damage.

I only did four points of damage on her, but I would like to use my bonus action Insightful Fighting, which means I can make an insight check contested by her deception check. And if I succeed, then I can use sneak attack against her no matter

like for whatever for next time okay yeah cool that's a fun trick so how far is this for me this Iva um the fake Iva it's 10 feet off the ground and about 60 feet away all right I'm gonna cast

sleep on her all right um first we're gonna get a contested check 60 feet away. Alright, I'm gonna cast sleep on her. Alright. First, we're gonna get a contested check for what am I rolling, Sarah? Deception against my insight. I rolled 13, unfortunately, for insight. Ooh. The winged Iva

rolled a 5. Oh, great. Okay, so I can use sneak attack now for the next minute uh sleep is for hit points right ken yes

well as i always say with this spell good luck let's roll see how many hit points you can make go sleepy town against this monster yes dnd dnd aficionados i said monster but it might not be a monster type it might be something else well it's 17 hit points that's not gonna cut it it shakes its head um it begins to fly north over the woods pretty high up. It's maintaining a little bit of a human appearance, but appears to be starting to change shape into what looks like a carriage-sized bat

with a little bit of human legs at this point. It's gross. Danny, I'm going to have you do one more attempt to hit yourself. Please roll a 20-sided die or roll to start hitting yourself one more time. I didn't have a sibling and my cousin was pretty cool

so this really never happened to me outside of kids that lived in my neighborhood. Damn it. There we go. Look at that. Oh, fuck.

Thanks, D&D Beyond. 13 plus 6. 19. That's a hit. That's a hit. Roll the bludgeoning. I know. What? You don't like punching yourself in the face? Can you stop punching yourself in the face? You stop punching yourself in the face.

Brian's like gnawing on his fist with frustration right now, isn't he? Two plus three equals five. All right, so this will be another five points that you will have to mark yourself from your hit points. God damn it. Jeff, I'm going to give you an opportunity before we come back around to Sarah you notice she cocks an arrow and flings it off what are you going to do it's pretty far away

I'm also going to shoot at what she's shooting at great roll 20 set of dice 15 plus uh 15 plus sorry i'm looking at my dnd beyond here dnd beyond is a place where you look at numbers and some words when you put those things together it's like a video game in your mind's eye dnd beyond dnd beyond I think it's 18.

Ooh, that'll be a hit. Roll your damage. And I have a longbow, which is 1d8. 7 plus 4, 11. Okay. I'm adding that to what's happening. Iva, you see Jelf connect with an arrow, and now you have sneak attack.

Great. And not out of range yet? No, but it's... I'm trying to telegraph this with the way I'm describing it. It looks like it's getting pretty high up, and it's about to take off to the north. So this feels like it might be your last shot unless it decides to choose to come back around or something else dramatic happens.

Okay. So that's a 16. Ooh, that is a hit. Okay. At least I get one last hit in here. We're going to do. Oh,

cool. Plus. do... Oh, cool. Plus... That is going to be 19 points of damage. All right. This one

really connects right, like, it feels like in a weak spot next to its collarbone as it's pivoting towards the woods, and you all hear this otherworldly shriek from this thing that sounds nothing like Iva's voice unfortunately arrowing yourself it does fly out of range at this point though oh no hey did i get another attack on that one because i get two attacks per action uh oh you sure do jelf can I use an exploding arrow on one of those? Of course you can.

I'd like to use one of my exploding arrows. Shoot that exploding arrow into my heart. That's a hit. Uh, and that is... Sorry, I want to look at my... Yeah, the exploding arrow I believe has piercing and then... Uh, was it fire damage i hope so or force damage 2d 2d6 uh does the regular damage in 2d6 force damage so right

eight-sided so this five plus four is nine and then two six-sideds five plus four is nine and then two six-sided using my kid's treasure chest that he gave me i thought it was dice now i can't find any uh so that's another eight okay that's pretty good um and and did it did it maybe blow a hole in a wing or anything immediately after the arrow hits a creature the target and all creatures within 10 feet well unfortunately it's it although it does force damage it's not one of those things that like pushes you back or else i might give that to you uh that's a lot of damage though so this happens you know as it's flying away and uh yeah it kind of does spiral for a second like like it's trying to keep its altitude but it's going to go ahead and uh succeed in its escape as it flies farther and farther away um it's now about you know 300 feet out so um the the the thing that

you guys all sort of are gonna be mulling over the most in my opinion is that is broad daylight and a fucking giant bat from a cabal that includes a lot of vampires just flew away. It felt weird. Um, and it, you know, like you all know enough about vampires to be like, well,

wait a minute. Um, and of course, in addition to that, I think you are, even though you searched the house pretty thoroughly and you felt good about your chick, you're all kind of like,

Oh shit. That thing was just in the house. God damn it. Um, and I would say 2d in particular, you're of like, oh, shit. That thing was just in the house. God damn it. And I would say 2D in particular, you're wondering like, sorry, I keep bumping my camera. You're wondering, you know, how did it get past the defense of the magic door? Was it because it took Iva's shape? Maybe that supersedes it, but that would occur to you. Do you check for the ring and the hammer and everything else?

Yeah, you know, they said they wanted to check everything. They just rolled a 14 and that's with that roll, they're sure they checked everything well enough. We're not sure we checked everything well enough. No, you are. You are. I mean, like you feel like you did. However, you never went in the cellar.

Why was she going to the cellar? Unclear. So we should probably, that should be the next one never went in the cellar. Why was she going to the cellar? Unclear. So probably that should be the next one. Check the cellar. Yep. Okay. You guys are all going to head down. Someone let Blaine know he's off playing Minecraft for a second.

Just kidding. Hey, Blaine. You're all going to head in the cellar. Sound good? Blaine. We're all heading down to the cellar. Oh, sure. Are you guys doing sets? Yes.

Let's light our torches and go down the steps. I'm so mad I didn't think of that. There's a canceled comic there, and we're going to go boo him. Oh, boy. You guys all head down the stairs you navigate that tricky fake wall uh that's got a spike pit of spears and um you know uh that involves some sneaky stuff but you but i'll give it to you you don't have to roll again you've been down here before a couple of times i think

and you notice unlike previous times that you've been down here um the iron maiden thing is kind of pushed off to the side excellent yeah go ahead it's kind of pushed off to the side and it is closed is there anything inside you can tell because there's like like a slot you think you see a humanoid shape inside it's one of us in there guys one of us one of us let's open it up and see and stab them immediately right yeah now I will I feel like I need

to say something at this point even though you don't know what's in the Iron Maiden after one of our recent episodes excellent after one of our recent episodes went... Excellent. After one of our recent... You son of a bitch. After one of our recent episodes went up, more than one listener wanted me to know very

emphatically that if you've got a vampire pinned to the ground, you might want to just think about stakes. Just think about little sharp wooden things. We all know how to improvise one with a table. I thought vampires weren't like that in D&D. You know, I threatened him with a stake, but then I was like, oh, they're not actually like.

There's a thing in fifth edition that states if a piercing weapon made of wood is driven into the vampire's heart while the vampire is incapacitated in its resting place the vampire is paralyzed until the stake is removed okay so if you make some stakes then yeah this might qualify as a resting place the other vampire I might have given it to um who knows um

but uh is there any wood around would i i mean here's the here's my fear if what if we open it up and it's nathan and then this is like one of those horrible like like uh we how shitty is your dm like friendship wise yeah like there's there's a little wooden rack here that you feel like you could smash into some steaks if you really wanted to

okay let's make some steaks I'm just saying unless it's one of us who's here right now that we can verify we don't want to do that but yeah we'll see okay we whittle some steaks okay yeah all right let's open the Iron Maiden you unhook the mattress Okay, we whittle some steaks. Okay. Yeah. Alright.

Let's open the Iron Maiden. You unhook the latches. Excellent. You open the Iron Maiden and inside sleeping for a moment, you think you have found someone who resembles Octavio. Well, he's dead.

So it's sticking. Okay. Yep. Octavio. Well, he's dead. So let's stick him. Yep. He begins to open his eyes and he says, Oh, friends! Oh dear. Who can do it?

I'm scared we're missing some important thing. This is such a black mirror, like, no! Ugh. Twilight Zone, the horrible twist. Jelf does it. Jelf does it, right? How do we test him?

I mean, it's gotta be, why would he be inside the thing, right? Maybe somebody put him in there. Why are you in here? Oh, I was put in here by the cabal. they were going to do experiments on me they drew some of my blood said they were going to turn me into something awful

um can you detect evil if he's like a vampire you should be able to tell right um we need to we really need to catch you up Blaine every time you get up something I'm sorry I had to deal with delivering it turned out to be DiGiorno son of a shit you bastard I'm using my divine sense

you fucking idiot why not divine sensing so right now your divine sensing sensing get a feeling there is something awful about this iron maiden but it's giving up it's giving off such a huge aura of evil you're having a hard time really anything octavio out of the iron maiden yeah tell me you guys share share with Jelf what's going on. Octavio's in the...

Well, he sees it. Octavio's in the... We were like, on the off-off chance, what if it's actually Octavio and the other one was like... They changed it. I mean, who knows? But like, we should be able to just quickly see if he's evil, in which case then... I'm sure that this is a clone.

Right now... Am I sure enough to stake him in the heart? Maybe not. And I said Jelf does it. quickly see if he's evil in which case then i'm sure that i'm sure that this is a clone right now am i sure enough to stake him in the heart maybe and i said jelf does it you would do it in a heartbeat jelf no pun intended and i feel like if you want to go for it 2d you're not getting uh you're not getting a clear read uh but you think it might be a limitation of divine sense um or or this device you're not sure but but there is still some evil coming off of him but it's not enough for you yeah can i do an insight check i would like jelf and iva to do an insight check because you you we saw the other one yeah and just to be clear uh ken i don't want to be shitty because this is a

good use of divine sense it feels like something from this process could be messing with it i will let you do an insight check also all right uh but you know you feel like the process could definitely have been blurred by the fact that its entire shape has changed and this is supposed to detect like fiendish intent stuff like that something some of these uh creatures could obfuscate so yo everybody 12 14 14 jeff what you got i got a natural 20 plus six yeah danny too what what am i rolling um sorry unfortunately uh danny you're out of this one um but luckily you're not punching yourself in the face these guys are figuring out their divine sense respectively and whether or not the body they found in the morgue was the real idea um gotcha but you see danny

2d pulling this this guy out and uh 2d you're like uh this is i'm really getting an evil aura off of this guy and jelf you you go oh this is this can't be the real octavio this there's no way this is the real octavio if the other one was a fake there wouldn't have been

blood everywhere you know that it would it would he wouldn't have been so cold and shriveled in the morgue it feels like this has to be a fake octavio do it jelf okay i'll do it doing it okay um you're sticking the body oh and you know what oh you're doing the body so okay do you put on some kenny g yeah wait no i'm you put on some Kenny G? Yeah, whatever. No, I'm going to put off some Kenny G. I'm just going to do anything from Wyndham Hill. That kind of gets me, gets my flight off the runway. I'm going to take one of our spikes, our stakes.

Uh-huh. And I'm going to, I have a little thing I can do called Shillelagh, just in case. I'm going to turn it into a magical weapon, and I'm going to drive it into his crazy heart. Ooh, I'm going to need you to do a strength check. How about... Here. My strength.

That is a 17. All right, and he's going to roll to contest that because he would like to not be staked please this ain't no outback uh oh he rolled two whatever that bonus is is not going to be enough um yeah Octavia

goes no and you shove him into the Iron Maiden and just the shillelagh steak into his heart and for a moment, he just sort of like his lip quivers and then that sad lip quivering turns into a sneer and it sort of melts away his face. And he, he has this almost like lupine look to him. It's some sort of strange wolf like creature with huge fangs. Hmm.

But vampire, like it appears stuck in place. Okay. Great. So now is he stuck and we can talk to him? He's hissing wildly and yeah, I mean

Now's our chance to just kill the shit out of him. He's got velvet robes. There are things in the pockets. Anyone who wants to rifle through these pockets, roll an investigation check. And it'll be I I will say, high DC because he is flailing around and stuff right now.

I botched. I got a 21. So did I. Double botched. Damn it. That dilly bar is still there and it's so good. Hey, dilly dilly. Danny, what'd you get? Speaking of vampires,

anybody ever see the Fright Night remake, the 2011 remake? Colin Farrell, you like it? It was alright. That's one of my regular rotation Halloween movies now. I really love it. As far

as remakes go uh that's up there with me for uh donna the dead and the thing i just miss uh ronnie mcdowell oh right but yelchin is such a likable kid he's so good and colin farrell just plays that, you know, it's a new take on vamps. It's a douchey kind of, you know. Have you seen Mr. Penguin, by the way? No. He's the penguin in the new Batman movie. Oh, wow. Totally unrecognizable. I'm a total fan.

Yeah, he's great. In Bruges is one of my all-time favorite movies. He's fucking awesome. When he's awesome, when he commits, he's fucking, he's so good. And he really carries, he's fucking great when he's awesome when he commits he's fucking he's so good and he really carries he's fucking great in fright night and tenants in there too david tenant from uh you know he's rather than film yeah and also david 12 and stare with two fingers up his ass my investigation was bullshitting i got a two one plus 1. Well, I got a 21. Alright. Yeah,

so did Jelf. So you guys, while the other two are kind of knocked back by the like desperate half paralyzed flails of this wolf vamp, you two are able to get into its things pockets. It's got velvet robes. Oh, not me. I got a 1. It's just 2D. Oh,

they said 21. Whoops. So 2D, through your divine sense, you're able to predict I got a one. It's just, well, they said 21. Whoops. So, um, 2d through your divine sense, you're able to, to predict it's evil twitching and get into its pockets before decapitating or whatever that you guys are going to do. Yeah. You find 11 pieces of gold. Uh,

yeah. Um, there's one more thing there is a it's like a strange document that seems to imply it has like rights to this inn um and if you want to look at your map, I don't know if any of you guys are in Roll20, but it's an inn in a town that your characters have been to. And it's a town that you've, you know, heard about some weird shit in Flays of Cola. It seems where this vampire has rights to an inn in Flays of Cola. So, oh, yeah, if you want to see, I'll pull the map. I'm looking at the map. Yeah, it's got to be. It'slazacola. Oh yeah, if you want to see I'll pull the map up. I'm looking at the map.

It's gotta be Florida. Up there you feel like reading this document it implies it is allowed to go in and out at all hours, use alternate entrances,

bring however many guests it pleases and have access to what is called the unwindowed cellar. So you're not sure what that means exactly, but it seems like this guy is either from Flays of Cola or he, you know, has some sort of agreement with an in and Flays of Cola. and in in flasacola okay can i just again because it's been in real life time a long time but in flasacola we dealt with that monk or whoever and there was the whole thing about the the guy who was the mayor wasn't actually the mayor uh-huh he was actually like is that related to this? The mayor of Flayzacola is actually a demon, a legendary demon named Panzuzu has been forced into a human

shape and had its memory wiped. And you guys met a final remaining monk of an order, the filament of Dongle. They tried to recruit Danny and Danny was was like no thanks but he said he's gonna carry on the tradition that has been going on for a while now of trying to

keep the mayor from losing control and reverting back to becoming panzuzu that was the mayor yeah why couldn't they just why couldn't he just kill the mayor slash panazuzu if he attacked the mayor this incredibly powerful demon would revert to its original form okay and it might be too powerful for even that group alone to take care of it's just such a powerful demon that they didn't have any warriors heroes that that could take care of it. I mean, a lot of, I guess, level twos were hanging out over in Flay's Acola. Okay, so we got to... Townspeople stats, folks. And this might not even be related.

There's a lot going on in Flay's Acola. There's a lot going on on this continent. I'll tell you what. I'll try and simplify whenever I can so you don't feel overwhelmed. We haven't even gotten to the Archmage. whenever I can so you don't feel overwhelmed. We haven't even gotten to the Archmage. Do you follow the Twitter profile

FlayzacolaMan? It's really funny. So I would be happy to as this vampire twitches beneath your stick, kind of sum up what you feel like you've learned today. There is an inn the vampires have control over in

Flasicola where there is a giant demon trapped in a human body. Is he... Is this wolf thing talking? Can we interrogate him right now? You can try, but I would say in real life you know this and in game you've learned it recently. Vampires who are

being trapped are not willing conversationalists so you can try but right now he's hissing looking pretty should we just kill him? yes I just wanted to know what they took

or are they just saying that they took our forms that's I guess my do I what can I do to insight they were going, you stole this home from we the cabal. I will now steal something back. You're not sure what that something is, correct? I say, okay, I say

what did you take? What did you take? Do your choice, intimidation or no, you know what? This is straight up intimidation. You can't persuade this guy. Can't be done. DC 45. I'm going to try to roll

really good this time. This time I'm going to push this button in a way that I think is going to be really awesome. Dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun. Oh, Sarah, you guys. She sighed and rolled her fingers first. I got an 11. Oh.

Somebody else knock him around this stupid little... I got an 11. Oh. Sorry. Somebody else knock him around, this stupid little... I'll take a swing at him. Let me roll with my negative one. He's doing an intimidation check. Find out what he took and then we kill him. It's a kind of a bonus to intimidation. I rolled a two, but I have a negative

one, so I rolled a one. I'll take an intimidation at him. Roll it, roll it. You're all threatening this vampire. He's not impressed. What did you take? What did you take? We're just like kind of wearing him down. Nine.

Nine too. Oh boy. Yeah, this guy is not impressed with you. He's happy to go to his grave, you feel like without telling you. Does Wolfman have nards? Yes, as Monster Squad taught us, this Wolfman. Okay, I take him. In the nards. Awesome.

But they're like vampire nards, so like, you know. Alright, fine. We're just gonna kill this guy? I was hoping to find out. They're messaging to us about having taken something. I want to know what it was, or did they just need a face? Let's try again. Kick him in the nards, and then let's try again no can't we try it can you intimidate more than so done with us no the thing with the thing is the here okay if you had rolled i'll let everyone roll one more time but here's what's happening it's going up five difficulty points each time

last time it was a 15 and none of you hit it. Now it's a 20. And if none of you hit it, it's going to go higher than you can possibly roll. So I'll let you do it one more time. You need to beat a 20. Okay. Does a 14 beat a 20? You know what?

In my book it does. Here's a participation ribbon. Thank you. It's all up to you. I got it. 18 plus 3, ribbon. Thank you. Okay, you guys, it's all up to you. Jelfin. Yay! I got it. 18 plus 3, 21. Jelf, what'd you get?

Anything? I can't possibly get a 20 with my negative one. Oh, whoops. There you go. So, Danny, you get right up in his face. Is there anything you would like? I diss you. How do you, do you want to deliver for us some acting of what Danny says to this? We're asking him what he took or what they took.

Tell us what you took or die horribly. We took the most precious thing of all, your identities. Uh-huh. your identities. Uh-huh. Right now, some of you are headed to Flayzacola where you will insist the mayor

be left alone. And when the mayor is left alone, Panzuzu will be unleashed. Okay, we gotta go. Joke's on you. We actually killed all the rest of them. You're the only one left. I hope you realize that as you die. He starts cackling yeah um iva you kill him we're killing him right uh yeah how do we kill him chop his head off that sounds fun seems like that'll work sure all right done who wants to do the chopping

i'd love to. Please. Danny steps forward and kind of makes it clear. Brian, how would you like to see this wolf vampire die? Oh, I got a 16 plus 6 on my short sword. 22. I just neatly chop his head off. Okay. You guys see very politely, Danny just sort of like with his short sword goes like flip.

And almost as if it was a centerpiece on a Thanksgiving table. The head just kind of. And then I, what do we call those assholes? Crickets. Grasshoppers. Cockroaches. With the ball. No, the hippies in the 90s.

Hacky sack. Hacky sack. Hack the ball. No, the hippies in the 90s. Hacky Sack. Hacky Sack. Hacky Sack. I hacky sack his head. You hacky sack his head. If anyone wants some devil sticks, there's four limbs just right there. And yeah, after you get like up to 22 in Hacky Sack, it turns to ash and just kind of. And as does the rest of his body.

Cool. Well, now we have to go stop ourselves from fucking up the next episode. I know. We're really taking down multiple continents. Yeah, we got to blaze the cola. Maybe we'll run into Jerry Lewis. Are you guys going to do anything before you head north?

I mean, there's also this issue with the ring. Remember? The little elf kid? Yeah. But I feel like we can't deal with that without Nathan anyway, because he was the one who he was going to take it. And then the kid was going to recognize him. So I guess we'll just put a pin in that.

Yeah. Watch the house. I do feel like Nathan might I guess we'll just put a pin in that. Yeah. I do feel like Nathan might be the only one who can commune with that. It was, it was on the ethereal plane. Right. But you guys, we don't have a Butler anymore.

Yeah. What are we going to do when we need anything? We need someone to Sam. I see you shaking your head, Sam. I'm with you. I've never seen these friends of mine worry about not having a manservant, like in any context, fantasy or otherwise. Literally, I'm sorry that you guys don't appreciate, you know, a day's work.

You like your toilet paper to be folded into a little triangle. You want to put him out on the street? That's fine. That's up to you. He's dead now. Yeah, it's your fault, Sam. Personally, it's your fault, actually. Everybody roll an insight check

to see if your character can think of someone who might enjoy being employed as a butler in the population of Bling Bottom. We don't need a butler. We need someone to guard the house. So it could be the guy, Kurt?ler we need someone to guard the house so it could be the um the guy kurt sure kurt could come guard the house sure

kurt whose blood you found a vial of oh yeah we attacked him anyway 24 uh you go hey we know that guy kurt yay i rolled high inside my own brain you said your own brain everyone's favorite

dragons move um yeah you guys gonna head to the adventurers guild and we've because i forgot we were supposed to remember we were supposed to tell them we have their vials we were going to warn them so we should do that on our way out of town ask kurt to guard the house and be like there's a lot of really important stuff. And give, oh, why don't we also then give him a password so he knows who we are in case the clones come back. That's a good idea. Unless he's a clone. Make sure it has two uppercase letters and at least one alphanumeric character.

If he's a clone, we can, well, let's go talk to him, but we can ask him questions that only Kurt would know the answer to. What was the first job he gave us? Maybe the first cat. I remember, but only one of you needs to remember. All right, so you

are going to head over to the Adventurers Guild, a small little shack where Kurt lives. You knock on the door and this little gnome in older armor, kind of curly handlebar mustache, comes out and says, Well, well, well, if it isn't the castaway cuties. Love hearing it. What can I do for you? Well, he seems already more confident than the Kurt that I remember

I was happy to see you you don't need to worry about it he didn't hear me I hear everything though we need you to take care of the house for us for a bit what

like how do you remember the first job that you gave us house for us for a bit. What? Like how? Do you remember the first job that you gave us? Yes, of course I do. You were going to go help Lady Meserman get her dog Tinklefoot. Right.

Do you remember what happened when we went to get the dog? Oh, it was a real mess. Tinkle everywhere. Well, to quote your rabbit friend, I believe it was just chaos with little bums in the air. Little naked bums. They transformed back into people and ran everywhere.

When you killed Lady Mesermate's true form. That's true, but what happened when we went on the job to try to find her? Oh, of course. You went down a well and you found the remains. You were supposed to find the dog and you gave me the remains. Mm-hmm.

I mean, that is what happened. It wasn't a well, it was mine. But I feel like maybe Dan was just... Maybe Dan's not perfect and you need to just cut up some fucking slack and not be like all the people on social media who are human thesauruses. Yeah, okay, all right. Can I do an... Oh, I definitely am going to do an inside check.

I actually have an ear for lying specifically. Oh, please roll. What the... I got a nine. All right. Because you rolled a nine on your insight, there is a complete 50-50 chance this is a Tarrasque in disguise.

There's no way to know. Except your passive insight tells you this is not a problem. Yeah, and he knew all the information. Yes. Okay. I know that you got a dungeon master who loves... This is why this character was created. It was literally to try to prevent being lied to again and being a sucker.

Season finale of season three, folks. We tell him that as discussed discussed that we have a very important we need to really go do something important and we're going to share some important information with him and we'll need him to watch over the house Danny you want to tell him what

we found okay Jelf do you want to tell him what we found in the basement oh we found in the basement? Oh We found Him? Octavio Octavio

Before that, the other basement Oh, we found Septavio His blood Oh right, right, right We found your blood, they were going to use it to make A clone of you And they were going were going to use it to make a clone of you. And they were going to try to sell it to Hulu.

What? Here's your vial. He takes the vial and turns it over in his hand. And he thanks you very much and wants to know, okay, well, how do you want me to protect your house exactly? Stay out of the fridge. Yeah. Everything that has a note on it is

Jelfs. But there's all that Chabati. You bought a four pack. Come on. You can go to the others if you want. It's going to expire. That's what I'm saying. I'll leave the Coke two liter alone, but the stuff that's dairy. That's what I'm saying. I'll leave the Coke two liter alone, but the stuff that's dairy.

There's stuff in there that needs to be protected and that we're worried that the cabal might get their hands on. We're going to give you a secret password. Oh. I'm ready. Give me the password.

21-12. Two. 2112. 2112? Oops, I said it a little loud. Just had to confirm it. Now we need you to click here and prove you're not a robot. Let's make it. The password is Chobani. Oh, Chobani. All right, the password is Chobani. Oh, Chobani. All right.

The password is Chobani. All right. One more question. So, I've been in Bling Bottom for a while, and I've seen some people kind of burst into flame when touching the front door. Can you help me, like, maybe get inside your house

so I don't explode? Oh, there's the security code. How do we do that? I mean, we can let him in, but then he can't get back in if he leaves, right? I think you can let me in and I'll be okay as long as I'm

a partial owner of the house. Oh, okay. Is it okay? How do we make him a partial owner of the house? No, I don't think that... All you have to do is say it and it's magically binding. Hmm.

I mean, how does he even know this? This feels, now I'm suspicious again. I'm doing another insight check. Yeah, yeah. I'm sure we got the right blood and he wasn't really used. I rolled another goddamn nine. Everybody can roll an insight check.

There was no blood missing. There was no blood missing. It can't be a clown. I got a 16. Well, they had multiples. All right. Danny. 18. Ooh.

What'd you get, Danny? Insight. Just pretty low at four. Sorry. Okay. Well well 18 will do it uh 2d yes you don't think he has and i can't emphasize this enough because you guys are always so suspicious of me you don't think he has any

foul intent but you do think curious old kurt would love to go inside the big mansion full of magic shit and just root around in your drawers. Maybe not, maybe not take anything, but he's,

he's seen a lot of action. Yeah. He's very curious. He used to slay dragons and shit. And he's been in bling bottom in a shed for like 20 years. So he's like, you're like, why do you even need to go in my house?

So that occurs to you you think he might be uh too much of a curiosity kill the cat situation okay well do we have another option well he can he can like live out yeah he can he can he can patrol your house fairly regularly and stuff that's fine all right and we. And we'll pay him, obviously. Oh! So that, you know, the mysterious blonde man who lives in the sky and passes judgment on people, whether people's

jobs are worthy or whether they're actually indentured servants, whose name is Sam Kiefer, doesn't get too snooty on his high horse and fall off. We'll have to find out what you're gonna pay Sir Kurt on the next episode Doesn't get too snooty on his high horse. Fall off. We'll have to find out. You're going to pay Sir Kurt on the next episode of Nerd Poker.

Sarah was just talking about you, Sam. What do you think happened in this gosh darn episode? He didn't hear a word. Let me check my notes here. Episode 62, Iva's controlling Danny, but it's a clone Iva. We fought it for a while, then discovered our friend Octavio inside the Iron Maiden. We stabbed him with a stake and he turned into a wolf thing. And because he couldn't move, we robbed everything in his pockets.

So even if he's not our slave and is our employee, we robbed him of what we paid him. So half a dozen of one, six of the other. I believe we're headed to Flaza Cola. Nope, never mind. We're kicking Octavia in the nuts. Then we went over to hang out with Kurt to see if he wants to be our butler. And now I just realized no one can see me do air quotes on this audio podcast. We heard it. I really love Sam.

I just I feel like I want to tell you the big part of that you missed but it's so fun to have you not know so we can ask you later and have it still have the same continuity oh my goodness brian yeah hey um if you've ever wanted a T-shirt with my face and then Mavis' face on it, like we're taking a picture at high school and done by the local photographer in your small town, you can get that T-shirt. And it comes in Fatboy sizes. I could wear one. So check that out, brianpassain.com.

Tour dates for next year, but then also my final shows of this year are going to be in Kansas City at a club I've never played. I'm coming with N'Gayo Beelum, one of my oldest friends in comedy. And we've heard about your Kansas City city barbecue and we're uh we're coming we're coming to test it um i'll also be at a comic shop uh that will be announced on twitter follow me on the brian passane and that kind of thing and then i'll have a you know brian passane.com it's always there too uh anybody else uh check out our merch go to nerdpoker.com and look at all the cool merch we're doing stuff with our new logo all sorts of fun pencil cases and shirts and mugs and things

um we would love if you would check that out also if you if you think oh brian loves and guy i mean he's gonna perform with them that sure wish he'd be on Nerd Poker. He was! We would probably love to have him back real soon, but in the meantime, yeah, come check out the run he did recently on Patreon with our Patreon-only bonus episodes, which you can find at patreon.com slash nerdpoker.

That's my plugs. Anyone else? Yeah, go ahead. Oh, I was going to say, it's that time of the year The Stacy Thanksgiving Day Parade Some new balloons It's gonna be fun We have Kathy Ack is one of them

Titus there's a big balloon Titus And What's the Oh there's a big inflatable Charo Big return of the inflatable charro. So look out the buke. Which Titus? Pick one.

They're all, they're all. Well, there's Titus Andromedon from Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt. There's Titus Andronicus from the Shakespeare play. There's Titus, the standup comedian. Am I getting warmer?

It's all those. It's not all balloons. Yeah. And then I'm going to be opening for Patton in Anaheim and San Diego. So check those out probably on Patton's website.

Come for me. Stay for Patton Oswalt. Yeah. Anybody else? That's it. That's it. See you next time. Thanks for listening to another episode of nerd poker you can follow us at patreon.com slash nerd poker and you get bonus episodes from there

and you can also uh send us anything at p.o box one six zero six nine encino california nine one1416. Thanks for listening.