Nerd Poker - S4E65 Woody War

Episode Date: December 7, 2021

Time to punch... Woody? A weird golem thing is protecting the vampire. Some fans might think these two sure sound familiar!

Do the noise. Oh. Hey, everybody. A friendly seasonal reminder from the Nerd Poker folks. You should check out our website for merch. What is the merch thing, Dan? NerdPokerPod.com You can buy stuff for people that follow the show. You can buy stuff for people that follow the show.

You can buy stuff for people that don't follow the show. You can have people buy you stuff because you love it. So just send your wife or your husband, your friend, anybody that you want to buy you stuff. Send them a link from NerdPoker and say, hey, I want this merch. NerdPokerPod.com. I want this merch. Featuring new logos on shirts, mugs, Paladino's logos on pencil cases. Get all that sweet, hot merch you love so much and slather it all over the bottom of

your tree. What Dan said. Merry Christmas. Happy holidays. What Dan said. Merry Christmas. Happy holidays. Whatever you say. Hey everybody, I'm Brian Pussain. Comedian, writer, actor, nerd. I've been playing D&D with my friends for a long time. I decided to do a new podcast where we play Dungeons & Dragons

in my very own dining room with my wife, kid, and my noisy dogs. So meet my friends Sarah, Kev, Dan, Blay, Chris. Now it's time for another episode of Brian Possehn's Nerd Poker. Season 4. Hey, everybody. I'm Brian Pussain's Nerd Poker. Season 4. Hey everybody, I'm Brian Pussain. You're listening to Brian Pussain's Nerd Poker. Episode 65. My friends are here.

Look at them. Dan has something he wants to say, but let's say hi to everybody first. Blaine. Hello, Blaine. Hi, Brian. Hi, everybody. Sarah. Hello. Hi, how's it going? uh dan has something he wants to say but let's uh say hi to everybody first blaine hello blaine hi brian hi everybody uh sarah hello hi how's it going i'm good how are you i'm sick with not with covid i remember being sick with other stuff it's just like it was before except now with an added layer of panic and freak outness and 17 no swabs butabs. I got colds every year because I flew all the time. But now I don't fly anymore hardly. Yeah, I got colds every month because of the kids.

But it's been like two years now. So it's just as bad as I remember. But it's not COVID. So yay. Anyway, that's me. Moving on. Ken. Hello, nerdy.

Hey, buddy. How you doing? I'm good. Having allergies. Oh, yeah. But I'm not that Hey, buddy. How you doing? I'm good. I'm having allergies. Oh, yeah. But I'm not that sick. What are you allergic to? I don't know, the air.

I'm sneezing a lot lately. Things are terrible. Not really. It's fine. Dan's here. Oh, hi. To take your life in steer. Da-da-da-da-da.

Are we done? The show's over. We've still got a little fuzzy friend. Yeah. It's Sam and Ramen, everybody. Hello, sweet children. Hey, man. How are you, Sam? I'm good. I'm good. And he smells like Doritos.

So we're both good. Sam and Ramen sounds delicious. Yeah, I'm hungry. Well, it's episode 65. We want to thank some people. And then also, you have an announcement about Chris, right? Yeah, we haven't been trying to keep a secret about it or anything.

He didn't know what to say, and we didn't want to take away from his ability to say it himself. But, yeah, he's just going through some health stuff and he'll be back as soon as possible. And, you know, I can only speak for myself, but I know like when you're going through health stuff, it's hard because you want to tell everybody, but things change really fast and you can't respond to people who want to wish you well.

And so it can be really frustrating because from day to day, it's changes so you don't really know where to start. So yeah, we don't mean to be ominous or weird about it or anything. It's just, we did, we didn't want to take words out of his mouth and he didn't really have anything to, uh, to, uh, share about it yet, but, um, we'll, we'll hopefully have him back on soon. He's doing great. And the gorilla that, uh, his brain was swapped into is doing great too. So once we get everything squared away, everything's going to be fine. Once they get their minibikes.

Yay. Well, that's cool. We should thank some people. Oh, I would love to thank people. I'm trying a new thing too where I'm going to, I just remembered to do it. Take one of my headphones half off so I'm not yelling into the microphone constantly.

All right. So we have some people to thank. And I'm pulling up the spreadsheet because I forgot to pull it up. But it's all locked and loaded with these beautiful names of Patreon supporters who thank you guys for supporting us. It's a thankful time of year. And I am never not grateful for y'all, but we want to thank those Patreon tier supporters who get the shout out and they got names

like Jim the Jim Mufuckin Price Price. That had a dirty word in it. It did and they spelled it M-U-Fuckin, so I sounded like I was hiccuping in the middle of it, but it was the way he spelled it

bang thank you California rolls aren't sushi I agree that's fair that's fair thank you John M Emmer dot com in parentheses thank you thank you Dak and Coke

thank you Brent thank you Petey thank you Eric Farmer Coke. Thank you, Brent. Thank you, Petey. Thank you, Eric Farmer. Thank you. Thank you, Your Neck is a Thief and a Murderer. It sure is. Thank you. I'll ask for Your Neck. I knew it.

Well, thank you, George Griperis. Thanks, Broseph and the Technicolor wait what what I already love this next one you will you will love this next one Brian you're feeling it and for this reason the full name of this Patreon supporter is Broseph and the Technicolor Dude Coat

thank you Metal Mac the Battle Bard love it Technicolor Dude Coat. Thank you, Metal Mac the Battle Bard. Love it. Thank you, The Fat Baker. Thank you, Vorta Spin.

Thank you, Voodoo Beef. Thank you, TikTok the Mechanical Man. Sexual energy sustains me. Oh, all of us. Thank you.

Grief Persevering. Oh, I love this one. you. Grief persevering. Oh, I love this one. It comes with a guide of what inside reference it is. Thank you, Orcish Torso. Dan said that one time. Thank you, The Southern Dandy. Thank you, Raging Mustard. Thank you, Tortilla the Hun.

Oh, thanks, Tortilla. Thank you, Jonathan Meyer. Thanks, Jonathan. Thank you, Oh, thanks, Tortilla. Thank you, Jonathan Meyer. Thanks, Jonathan. Thank you, Dude Where's My Pond Far. Every seven years, that joke. Thanks, Broken Pine Class. 40 Ponds. Thanks, Jeremy Rossman.

Thanks. Thank you, Panthers Bulge. Thank you, Zerk Boys Da Ark. Thank you. Thanks, Z. Thank you, This Supporter supporter brought to you by Vernon Fells redacted redacted thank you

redacted thank you this is the most easy to interrupt sequence of zoom bits that we could possibly run through I'm getting used to it I can't wait till we're in person and I can actually get mad at you for interrupting me during this part. Thank you paging Mr. Herman,

Mr. P.W. Herman. Thank you. Thanks, Mr. Herman. And thank you finally, thank you finally, Sir Richard's infected hand. Blaine, who are those Patreon supporters brought to us by?

Brought to us by Take a Hike. From the makers of A Shit. A long walk off a short pier. Me on. A picture, it'll last longer. Your time with the menu.

A penny, leave a penny. A look at me now. There's just an empty space. And there's nothing left here to remind me. Just the memory of your face. Oh, take a look at me now. There's just an empty space. And you coming back to me

is against the odds and that's what I've got to face Dan thank you Blaine I went it off oh yeah I don't think they paid up they were weird about it

alright well now that we're going to go down I don't think they paid up. They were weird about it. All right. Well, now that we're going to go down a lovely path of copyrights on that song, it's time to talk about music. What happened last time on Nerd Poker? Also music. How come Spotify pulled all those comedy albums? Let's talk about residuals, folks. if I pulled all those comedy albums.

Let's talk about residuals, folks. Anyway, the castaway cuties decided they would chase down a vampire they located in a hotel called the Fuzzy Knuckle. And then Dan decided to stop doing the voice again. I have to take a voiceover class. I swear that voice used to be

more in my diaphragm lower register and be kind of like this. And now I'm just riding my vocal chords which why am i being that lazy um you guys approached a a sort of opening in the jungle forest as you're heading north away from flay's acola uh you're really doing great on die rolls this guy that you were chasing in his velvety robes very likely a vampire had magical abilities that allowed him to speed along through the jungle

very fast. And you guys managed to keep pace and he rewarded you by trying to get away one last time while distracting you with what seems to be his bodyguard. A large golem-like figure about 20 feet high

lurched out of the jungle towards you guys. His name is Woody. This merchant possible vampire called out for Woody to help. The vampire is now floating above Woody trying to fly away, but more than that, just generally secure his getaway because he realized he was in deep trouble. But I would say like all of you, free basic insight, you feel like, well, you must be close to some kind of hideout or something because, you know, if he's pulling this out and he's flying, it's like, okay, like he's not giving up and just fighting. he's trying to stop and make an organized retreat plus woody was right there so it seems like maybe you're near something

um she also got bagpiped pretty good now tootie also discovered in this cabal lair that the vampire was operating out of and then you guys have a deed to, because you killed a vampire in the cabal. So there's these bagpipes with enchanted gems embedded in it, and you wanted to play some kind of battle cry, some sort of

battle hymn of the republic, and I tried to in-world it by saying it was the dwarven version, but like, you tried to play it and you rolled, I think it was a 20 on a performance check. Something good, yeah. But you got to do a performance check to use this thing. And he failed his saving throw. You also, on a D100, you rolled a 69.

Unfortunately, he was in magical darkness. You don't know what you did to him. unfortunately he was in magical darkness you don't know what you did to him but it sounded painful enough that he screamed in a very humiliating way I believe he said something like how could you do that and he

flew away and that's when you guys started giving chase so yeah like I would say you suspect that he's got some of his hit points taken out the vampire but also like he was humbled or humiliated in some 69 role fashion that listeners are already asking me if I can reveal what happened exactly. Uh,

we'll see. We'll see. Maybe that will be a part of some vampire interrogation, but, uh, everybody bookmark that as a question for our post-season 4 Q&A. Oh, I'm very curious. So now,

I know it has come up that perhaps you will not want to engage Woody in combat, but I am going to have everybody roll for initiative. Also, if you're not in roll 20, I'm kicking it roll 20. I'm going to drop a code in chat and I need to upload a vampire token because it occurs to me.

I thought if you encountered Woody, that Woody would be solo. I did not think you would have the vampire and be giving chase when you encounter Woody. So I need a token i can't thank you guys enough for not just immediately launching into your rolling for initiative but if you haven't rolled yet i'm about to ask you for it um hey blaine yes what does jelf have for his initiative did Did you roll? I did. I rolled an 18 plus four. It's a 22. Hell to the yes. Danny, what'd you get?

Also known as Brian. 21. Amazing. 2D, what'd you get? An eight. Wow. Uh,

I gotta say the first two really impressed me, but that one, I'm a little worried about 2d sarah slash iva uh what you got uh 18 plus 3 is 21 hey damn all right well you guys are in a good position yeah and unfortunately the tank has the lowest of these. So we got two 21s. Danny, what's your dexterity? And Iva, what's your dexterity?

16. 17 with a plus three. All right, so I'm going to give this 21.1 to Danny. Iva, you'll go after Danny. And yeah, I am still kind of fumbling here, but I do have the initiative rolls. And Woody rolled a 19. And Lord Amalegda rolled a 12. And Lord Amalegda rolled a 12.

So, Jelf, what would you like to do? I will say I'm still uploading the token. Sorry, folks, for sounding so mid-lost in thought while I do that. I promise I'll be fully present soon. Jelf, imagine the token for count, or I'm sorry, Lord Amalegda is like five feet kind of north and hovering above where Woody is right now. What would you like to do? Well, I have a long strider going on, so I'm going to try to run

kind of in a round to the side of the golem, but keep an eye on the floating vampire. And if I can get a clear shot, I'm going to try to get a shot. I'm finally able to drop a token. So you can see where he's at. Yes. yes I would say you do need to move about

20 feet up and to the left to kind of like nail him but you can see him a little bit you just don't have a super close shot you're far left there yes

okay well then I'm going to can i sort of like move up uh well like around let's see you were about the range of the thing but jeff what's your movement distance uh my movement trying to pull your character sheet up but it's a little pokey. I have a 35 foot walking speed, but I'm also doing a long strider right now. Oh, right. That's right. You did activate that last. How long do you get with long strider?

I'm going to go analog into a book. I think you get to double it or something really good. Spell. Long strider. Spell. Long Strider. One hour. Okay. It increases 10 feet until... Got it.

So you can do 45. If you look, I'm going to drop the ruler right about where you were. You can go pretty far with 45. So you can get like all the way up into the northern trees, kind of almost where Lord Amalegda is heading

to the north. Yeah, I want to sort of track him and pace him if I can get a I don't know if I, does he see me? Yeah, I mean he like looked over his shoulder. You and Iva in particular were running the fastest and so you guys are like his main concern at this point.

Okay, well, I'm going to head up into the trees and I can do a thing where I hide, where I can mask of the wild. I can hide even when I'm only lightly obscured. So I'm going to... Sure, show me where you want to be, sort of in the tree line. We're going to call the illustration on the map

the literal tree line compared. I mean, you know, just try and treat it like these are minis and those are trees you can go so like there-ish. Yeah, sort of I guess up into here. Can I do that? Yeah, that's like right about right. Yeah, that's like

about 45 from where you were. So then Mask of the Wild you're hiding. I'm checking the rules on Mask of the Wild, you're hiding. I'm checking the rules on Mask of the Wild. And I think that means you can, you know, be hidden. But you're, how do I put this? You're still using hide as an action. I just, I have a better chance of sort of confusing him if there's a bunch of other stuff going on. I just don't want him to get a real

clear shot at me. Yeah, like if you do, you're still gonna need to you're still gonna need to do a stealth check to hide. Okay. Okay. I got a five.

How's that? I rolled a one. Botched my stealth check. So I guess I landed on some wind chimes that I was picking up for a friend's wedding. I mean, it's not a botch. I'm just going to say, like, you ran over there and you tried to scramble up the tree,

but it just didn't have enough knots on it, and you kind of slid a little bit. So even though you have elven agility, you were kind of like, yeah. You didn't draw undue attention to yourself, but it didn't get you up in the trees. By the power of Flavin. All right.

Are there any bonus action stuff you want to try? No, I'm good for now, thanks Okay Then we have next in the combat order Danny Yen Hey Danny Yes Um, there is a 20 foot tall wooden golem in front of you

What would you like to do? Uh, um, uh, hack at his legs, hack at his Achilles tendon with a short sword. Go behind his legs.

Okay. So if you want to like drop your token here-ish. What? Sorry. Well, I didn't hear what you said, Dan. Cut his Andy off. Oh, you didn't hear what I said? Oh, I'm dropping a little ping on the map where you would want to land. So like

if you want to be like in his heels, go ahead and bring your token somewhere in, like, the back of his very large token. Okay. I'm going there right now. Where's my little guy? Oh, there we go. And then go ahead and roll your swing.

There's two dogs snoring in this room. Congrats on the lovely dog situation. Yeah. Let's see sorry everybody rolling short sword I've been strictly using D&D Beyond by the way I really dig it now now that I'm all

locked in there it's easy once you get it I roll nice too that was 18 plus 6, 24, my friend, to hit. That's a hit. Roll your damage. Okay. Just a 5, 2 plus 3.

Okay. Well... I get two attacks, right? Yep, I'm marking that down. Go ahead and roll another attack. Okay. I'm going to hack at him again. Go for it. Not as good. It's an 11. Alright, that's a miss. Okay. I'm going to hack at him again. Go for it. Not as good. It's an 11.

Alright, that's a miss. Okay, cool. And that'll do it for you, sir? Yeah, I'll do some... Well, if I roll away from him, does he get a... Does he get to attack me? He gets an attack of opportunity, yes. Alright.

I'll stay kind of tucked in there but uh under the offensive cool then uh you will not get a opportunity which i'm sure you'll enjoy up next we've got iva hey iva okay so i am going to i'm gonna sort of copy

blaine's situation okay and the boots of speed on so um i am going to, I'm going to sort of copy Blaine's situation. Okay. And the boots of speed on. So I am going to book it also to the tree line behind. So up here, up to the right of the guy. And I have a bonus action. Yeah, I think I can go here. And I have a bonus action that does enable me to, um, hide as a, as a bonus action.

It's called, um, cunning action. So I'm going to go ahead and do that. I'm going to hide in these trees. Um, hopefully. Cool. Um, now I don't know if that guy gets a, a, I don't know how far I have to be away from the golem to get for him to not get an opportunity attack when I run by. So maybe you can tell me if there's a way to avoid that or.

Yeah, you can't quite tell. He does have really long arms. That's sort of one of the spookier things about him is he's got these arms that are like longer than his torso. So I think you would naturally run around and you'd still have like about five feet of movement to kind of make a little so i think we don't have to worry about that in this particular instance but yes as long as we're talking about it you guys notice this thing has a very long reach um okay and uh yeah

so do you want to do like stealth then attack or vice versa? I think that's my whole turn, right? Because isn't the movement my turn or no? A bonus action to hide? If it's not, great. I will also. No, I don't think to, you're already using the boots. The boots were already.

Okay, great. Then, yeah, I guess I will use my action itself to shoot an arrow at the vampire. Go for it. Well, here I go. Let's see what happens. That's a 12 plus 6 to hit, so an 18. That is a hit. And that is 7 points of damage. Nice. So, Thwack, you hit him with an arrow, and he goes, oh!

Anthony Daniels is inside. My finger stuttered. How many hit points did you hit him for? Seven. Okay, great. 77. Nice. That's much better than seven. That's amazing. Yay, what an arrow.

Then up next we have... You gotta roll your stealth. I have to roll stealth? You're hiding, yeah. Oh, wait, no, you gotta roll your stealth. Roll your stealth. I have to roll stealth? You're hiding, yeah. Oh, really? Well, what's... Because it just says I can take the hide action.

Does the hide action... As a bonus action, yeah. Like, I just made... I just made Jelf do hide as his action. You get to both shoot an arrow and use the bonus action. Oh, I see, yeah. Dexterity stealth attack. I didn't realize. Sorry, I thought it was automatic.

I know it's always fun to outweigh your dungeon master and on this podcast, it's doable. It's a 19. I guess my question would be, though, if I'm successfully hidden, then do I get advantage on the attack roll? Because if I do, it changes my damage. Yeah, for sure.

I think that's basically what Jelf was already going for this turn. Oh, awesome. Okay, for sure. I think that's basically what Jelf was already going for this turn. Oh, awesome. Okay, so then I automatically get, I believe, the sneak attack bonus. So it was actually... Which I'm not looking at that part of Jelf's

sheet right now. I'm not sure Jelf gets a specific sneak attack bonus, but I do know you do. Yeah, I do only if I have an advantage on the attack roll. sheet right now i'm not sure jeff gets a specific sneak attack bonus but i do know you do yeah i do only if i have um if i have an advantage on the attack roll so um so it's going to be seven actually plus 13 so it's actually 20 total points of damage dang that's almost 77 yeah good getting a hell of a lot closer. You managed to thwack him. Wait, wait, wait. So hold on a second.

I got lost. You actually did 27 points of damage if you're hidden. No, 20 points of damage total. Because I basically, I ran to a hiding place. I used my bonus action, which you can use before your main action. I think we looked that up before. You still have to roll stealth to hide, which was... I did. I got 19.

Great. Okay. And then you roll... And then we had to retcon because I hadn't already rolled that. But then, yes, I had already attacked, but I meant that I was hiding and then attacking. I didn't even know I could attack. Okay. Does that make sense? Now it does, yes. I just sort of needed to redo my visual of what was happening

and hope at least one listener was like, oh, yes, I also benefited from that and it wasn't just me sounding like a ding-dong. Great. Up next is Woody. Woody kind of goes, like looking towards Danny. Danny, you see, you know, this thing looming over you very high and it is now going to start punching.

You see the the forearms of this thing kind of like get sucked back for a second. And in three quick moves, it goes and then one of its legs kicks up and stomps at you. It's like Henry Cavill in Mission Impossible. Loading the guns in the bathroom. First one's a 14 hit. Nope. Okay. Next one.

Is a... 25 to hit. Yeah. Sorry for what's about to happen. Here we go. Sorry, I forgot how to use the Mighty Dice app. Here it comes. Do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do.

All right, this is going to be 21 points of bludgeoning damage. And then here comes the kick. Aha, this one is going to be lower, I'm pretty sure. This is an obvious miss. I'm just trying to look at the bonus. It's an eight to hit, so that's a miss. Then you guys see this very strange device. Hey, I let my party know.

Oh, I am hurt. Okay. I need help. I would say all of you have never seen anything like this thing before, too. You've heard of clockwork things. Maybe some of you have seen clockwork things or golems even.

But this looks like a very deadly machine. And the middle of it is a very strange structure. It looks sort of like a clock. And something lowers out of it. Kind of like an arm. A third arm. It looks sort of like a clock. And something lowers out of it, kind of like an arm, a third arm.

It goes like... And it starts happening during the punches, the lowering. And as soon as the kick is done, it goes... It goes from side to side. And you just see what looks like a spray of fire come out of this thing uh wait dan i have a question it's not fire it's it's different though and i am in the middle of an attack so yes brian everyone listening please freeze in your imagination what's happening and brian

i'm so sorry uh philosophical question yes i'm teasing you but it's only because my momentum is like, please acknowledge me. What's up, Brian? Well, were we rested or no? Because. No. Okay. We wouldn't have rested before this guy attacked us. I mean, we went over this last episode because you guys went like right into the teleportation circle.

Okay. Right to the hotel and right to the vampire encounter. I'm fucked. Continue. How many hit points do you have left? Just a couple. Okay. Because I'm sure listeners are like, Dan, give Brian a break.

And I want to know for their sake where you're at as well as your team. Are you conscious though? Yeah, yeah. Not trying to give you a hard time, Brian. Yeah, just continue, man. Sorry, I interrupted you. I do that a lot. No, it's fine. On Zoom, it's like virtually impossible not to.

So this thing is- I've noticed that, Dan. At you. And then I'm going to need, I'm trying to look at the map. That's the thing. Like I was trying to do two things at once. I'm going to need a deck saving throw from 2D and Danny. All right.

I rolled an 11. All right. Brian, you there? Yeah. What do I do? I think he got raptured. He just sent me a text from heaven. He said he's jamming with Jimi Hendrix and Leonard Cohen.

Oh, he's back. Not on screen, though. Yeah, his camera's still off. All right, so let's do... For 2D, I'm going to be doing... You're going to probably take some damage. Dang it, I can't use this Mighty Dice app after fucking talking about it for months and months. About how I'm using it.

Alright, that is going to be 10 points of fire damage Brian, did you get that you're doing a dex throw? No Can you do a dexterity saving throw, please? Sure Stay tuned after Nerd Poker For Ko Ko Jack The Adventures of Ko Jack's Assistant

Tonight Help me do my taxes On Ko Kojak. Coming up after Dirt Poker. Jesus Christ. Uh, 17. Oh, that's great. Okay. Um, lucky

for you, you're gonna be able to duck this. Um, it is firing, like, about four feet off the ground, and you are already sort of a little punch drunk but not so punch drunk that you can't be like oh i can i better be ready to duck after that kick and you kind of lean back and just see this thing spray 2d um it just it's it's going in like a cone

away from it so it can hit like kind of a wide fan with this thing and it seems pretty deadly you notice that it is currently stationary it seems content to deal with danny in the melee at the moment and up next i believe we have lord amalegda okay so he is going to cast spell that you're going to see he raises his hands. A sort of sphere of fog starts appearing around him.

of fog, uh, starts appearing around him. And I'm going to try to, uh, mark that on the old map. But, uh, yeah, you guys sort of visually lose track of him for a second. Um, there's a fog about yay big sort of over Woody's head a little bit. Above him, not like on him. And he sort of goes voof for a minute. And I'm going to have a perception check from Iva and Jelf. Perception, you said? Yes, sir. I have a plus six. I'm not bragging.

Fourteen. Twenty. Great. How about you, Iva? I rolled a one with a plus two, so that's a three, Dan. Balance is out, right? That just cancels, yeah. So you do not see this Iva, surprise, surprise,

but Jelf, you see him kind of going like a little bit out of the smoke of the fog. He just basically tried to drop a smoke bomb and fly to the north. So I'm going to go ahead and reveal him just because someone in the party saw this. He is going to be... Oh my gosh. Why is Roll20 fucking with me right now?

Is he near the trees? Is he tree-lined? Is he way up high? Is he moving super fast? Or is he keeping an eye on stuff? What is his... He's about there. So if you see, he's pretty far like he zipped. He's flying between trees.

He's not quite above the tree line. Okay. So you see when you hit that 20 perception, you see some branches kind of go like to the side as he kind of smashes through them with flight. Can I... If you hadn't rolled that high, it would have remained not on the map.

Can I take an action or are we not in combat right now? Oh, you're in combat. It's just not your turn, unfortunately. But it's not a ton of people with the four-person party, and so your turn is coming up soon. Okay, cool. That is his turn also. Very excited.

Tootie, you're up. I'm going to cast Command on both Woody and the center of the fog. Okay. I think you have to pick one creature. No, second level I can pick one additional. No. I don't know that I've seen one of you guys cast command at second level yet.

Okay. I'm about to. It's a wisdom saving of 13. Damn, all right. So we're going to get, oh, a 14 from the vamp. Dang. And, oh, a 19 from the golem.

All right, then. Then, as an action... Sorry, boss. Let's see what I can do as an action here. I know this is a stressful fight, so I hear you. That's fine.

I don't know if I need... As a bonus action, can I use Healer Healing? Spend up to one use of a Healer's Kit, descend to a creature, and restore 1d6 plus 4 HP plus additional HP equal to the creature's maximum number of dice. Doesn't say anything about distance or... laying of hands. What spell are you using?

It's not healing word, is it? Healer healing. Healer healing. That sounds like a joke spell. Healer healing, you say. 5E. I'm looking on the internets for rules. Is this spell in your character sheet bud?

it's an action or a feat oh that's why I'm not seeing it oh okay you can spend use of a healer's kit so yeah I think for a healer's kit you specifically have to be within physical range which you can be

you can run right up to Danny and do this. I'm going to do it. Yeah, I will say, as you do it, you know, and this is for the listeners as much as anything. I try to, I forget, I want to do a better job of describing the visual on the map for our listeners. But you know you can run up to him? But even if you evade a little bit, this thing's limbs are long enough. It could probably sock you for opportunity attack if you try to run back away.

Got it. So, I'm going to snuggle up to Danny. I know Danny's going to like this. And healer healing him. Okay. Great. So, that'll be 1d6 plus 4 in addition. 1d6 plus additional hit points

equal to creature's maximum number of hit points? Maximum number of hit dice. So what is Danny's... Danny, do you know off the top of your head what your hit dice is? I'm looking on your sheet. 41 max. You know what my hit dice is. I'm looking on your sheet. 41 max. My hit dice is... Yeah, it's usually like

a monk is a specific one, yeah. Does it say on... It probably does, but I always have a hard time finding the more obscure stuff. I don't see it on my beyond. Yeah, I'm going to go ahead and just google this shit and I think I'll find it.

1d8. So you get to add a 1d8 to that. So I'll roll a 1d6 plus 4. Plus 1d8, which is great. So that's 5. Plus 1d8. That's another 1.

So 6 points. That ain't nothing. Nope. Dan, you get healed for 6. Do you have any actions, bonus actions, or movement you'd like to use in addition to that, Tootie? Thanks, Scott. Bonus action.

Thanks, Tootie. Let's see. That bonus action, I guess I can... Okay, bonus action, I can... Cast thunderous smite? Ooh. Thunderous smite oh that's just

nevermind yeah I'm trying to find thunder smite it just strengthens my weapon I'm going to do something else sorry okay um I know you can do channel divinity emissary of peace.

If you would like to persuade something in the next 10 minutes, looking at 2d's bonus actions. Yeah. I guess I can attack. Yes. Yes, you can. All right.

Um, I think, right. Like, yeah. I'll try to look at how many actions you have. Two handed weapon. I think you've, well,. I'm trying to look at how many actions you have. Two-handed weapon. I think you've...

Well, you've used your action to try to heal, right? That's the thing. Oh, okay. And I move, too, so... I mean, I think... I don't think there's much else I can do. No, I mean, I always try to give you back the doubt if you say you want to attack, too,

and be like, oh, maybe he gets two attacks. But you don't get two attacks, I don't think. Like, you don't get, like, it's not like a bonus action or something that you're attacking with. I'm thinking of my other character. Yeah, I think that's what is, that has me so optimistic on your behalf. All right. And Jelf, at long last, you get that next turn. Yeah, you saw that vamp trying to get out of there

Yeah yeah forget it I changed my mind I would like to move How far can I move Can I move up sorry Trying to Well you didn't make it up the tree right So yeah you can go another 45 feet You can pretty much

Kind of get up there I want to take two shots at him. The first one with an exploding arrow and the second one with a grasping arrow and maybe I can have some vines shoot out of the trees and grab him. Love this. Alright.

Always can leave it up to you guys to within two rounds run off the map. The first arrow is a 17. That's, I think, a hit. Hang on. Sorry, sorry, sorry. Yep, that's a hit.

And the second one is a 16. Roll all that damage. Those are both hits. Okay, the first, sorry, I gotta check my... This flying likely vampire is 16 armor class. Okay, so the bursting arrow is arrow damage and then 2d6 force damage. So sorry, all of a sudden my computer is being a dick.

My first day with the computer, I'm Amish, you guys. I'm Amish, you guys. I try to close everything before we play, so I don't have a slow computer, but it's always chuggy. No, my trackpad is getting wonky, so it's like any kind of bump changes, moves it around. Curse this lockdown wearing out my computer. 1D, okay, so 1D8.

It's 4 plus 4, so that... Talk to me about damage. Blaine, talk to me. That's 8 plus... 14. 16. It's a 16 damage from the bursting arrow. Can you break down what kinds of damage for me in the event that this vampire has resistances?

Uh, it's, uh, I guess it's just, uh, piercing damage from the regular arrow and then, uh, uh, explosive damage, force damage. Right, which, which was piercing and which was force? Oh, uh, piercing was... Oh oh jesus i don't even remember oh my god what's your total damage buddy was it 16 yeah it was it was 16 it was uh because it was the okay i need it it was the 1d8 plus oh it was the longbow was 1d8 plus 4 so that was

8 and then the force damage was another 8 right yeah so that is 16 total but yeah like whenever you can try to let me know by type of damage with these multi damage and also

two points in hurt feelings damage for him, because he's like, you can't believe people would be shooting at him. Well, he was in an emo band in the early aughts, so he does have resistance to hurt feelings. Dashboard confessional, blay!

And then the second arrow is... Blame it on early aughts music reference. 1d8, 1d8 plus 4, so that's 5. 5 piercing damage from the arrow. And then the grasping take a 2d6 poison damage. Damn. So that's 2 points of poison damage. And its speed is reduced by 10 feet, and lasts for a minute so i'm i'm thinking that

like bramble shoot out of the trees and grab him so that maybe he can't move yeah yeah well it's definitely slowing him down so i'll give you the brambles and he's he yelps i mean he's not doing great you took a lot of damage into this guy um Over 40 hit points just in this fight, but also a mysterious 69 bagpipe attack at him at some point. I actually do have two attacks per action. I just looked.

Well, well, well, well. Okay, so that'll do it, I believe, for Jelf's turn. Why don't you retcon back a little bit and tell me what you want to do with that smashy smash. Weapon with my hammer. Let's see it happen. Luckily, no bad guys have made choices since you had your turn,

so it's all good. That's a 13 to attack. Oh, towards Woody? Yeah. That's going to be a miss. Yeah. But I did have two. I'm glad it worked out.

Just not in the hit points since Danny, you're up. Okay. Well, I'm going to swing on this guy again. Go for it. Is there a way to maybe do a Luke Skywalker thing and get some sort of disruptive thing up into his belly when that thing drops down to shoot everybody with fire?

Maybe jump up in there or some kind of a set of fire or throw some sand in it stick a bone in it yeah fuck it up i will say because that is a yes or no question it would be very that's very sneaky for you to do um but basic insight i will i will note especially danny because it's your turn danny you notice his weird little rail gun thing that lowered out of his abdomen is exposing a small part of his sort of abdomen area. So where there was once sort of a knob, there is now this sort of opening

into his inner workings. Okay. Well, I'm going to hack at that then. If we could tickle it with a feather. And I got a 20, 14 plus 6. Oh, well, you get higher difficulty slash armor check with a called shot. But that is very high, and that is still a hit. So, yeah, roll that damage, Brian.

And you're doing this with a sword, like a short sword? Yeah, six plus three, nine. Okay. You dig up in there and just, like, pull it, and little chunks of wood kind of spray out of the hole. Do a perception check, please. Sure. We're going to send this guy to Cedars.

14, 11 plus 3. No moths there. You don't see much, but you do see for a second up in the opening as you're kind of stabbing in there, what looks like a little eye, like a little organic eye, kind of like almost a W-shaped pupil, kind of like flex big and small

as sunlight hits it for a moment. Jack, go. You got another attack there, Brian? Yeah, I do. That one's not a hit, it's a nine. Yeah yeah so as you try to jam in there again you just can't quite hit the same spot that thing starts lurching around as you're attacking it uh i'm gonna do an unarmed strike so uh i can do like a final thing right yeah sure are you still trying to like get up in the hole you're gonna just punch up in the hole? Yeah. In the eye.

In the eye. Try to sock that weird little eye? I'm going to try to sock him in the eye, yeah. Roll the eye sock, please. Rawr, rawr-ee. Sock him in the other knee. No, it was real low. Eight total.

Two plus six. Yeah, unfortunately, you just can't. You're, like, you pull back at the last second because you feel like the machines will just sort of cut your hand off. And you just, ugh, at the last second, pull away. Okay. But you do get a sense that you've exposed some strange organic creature at the center of this thing.

Agreed. It's not easy to see. It's not easy to hit this tiny little exposed thing where there's an eye, like up near where the rail gun was positioned. But you do feel like if you got in close, you could aim for that again. It's definitely not visible from high up where Iva is in the tree, for instance. And if it's swinging around, it won't be easy to spot again. But if you were to run right up and know where it is,

you could definitely try to stab it there again. We used to shoot womp rats back at they weren't much bigger than six meters. I tell everybody there's like an organic part to it in the middle. Sweet. And on that note, I guess we'll have to find out where that goes on the next episode of Nerd Poker. Hey, Sam. Hi, everybody.

Alright, episode 65 we fought both a vampire and some sort of fog golem railgun, I think, with a W-shaped eye. If you're new to nerd poker, how exciting. If you're not new, how on brand? Nice. Nice. Is that it? Okay.

Dan, you got anything you want to plug? Sorry, I put myself on mute for a second because I had to cough. I'm going to be doing shows around LA. I've got a bunch of shows at Flappers in December. They're letting me go up a bunch. So definitely check that out. On the 14th, for instance, I'll be there and Blaine will be there as well as a couple other

other my friends trying to try to see if brian can free up a schedule uh seems seems like a negotiable thing perhaps and uh yeah gonna be trying to open for him up in chicago in january that day just for sure happened in the 14th yeah okay i can do it cool that is for sure happening on the 14th? Yeah. Okay. 14th. I can do it. Cool. That's for sure happening. Sweet. Oh, Brian and Blaine, folks, at Flappers. Wow.

Yeah, come see a nerd poker show in the Valley. It's a white man party. And literally he's going to say, I'm going to make my debut. You want to go do five minutes, sir? Only knock-knock jokes. Get ready. And then Dan is going to be with me in January. My first regular show, one of my first regular shows back Saturday.

I think the first I'm in Minneapolis, but on Saturday, January 22nd, I mean, on the 21st on Friday, I'm in Minneapolis, but on 22nd, I'm beat kitchen in Chicago doing two shows, taping my new special. It's called Poseyna Non Grata. I thought Blaine would appreciate it. It's so dumb. Yeah, but it'll be at one of my favorite places,

a place that I supported during COVID. It'll be at one of my favorite places, a place that I supported during COVID. Dan used to do the open mic there for five or six years. Oh, it was a book show. Oh, yeah, yeah. It was a show, a book show. Yeah, and we did like Just for Laughs shows there. We had a lot of really good times. It's this great rock room in Chicago, and I'm so psyched for that to be the place where I record.

I really only record in the cool places. I've done Portland and Seattle and, you know, Austin. So it makes sense. I get a Chicago special and it's going to be... If you've seen, yeah, that viral clip of me doing the best dinosaur joke from like 2009, it's at the Bee Kitchen. Yeah, but it's a cool rock room.

I can't wait. So please, oh, please please chicago people come out um because it's two shows and because we have a camera crew it's going to be tight so we'll sell out um both shows will sell out also with your help sell them out yes uh and then i've got so many comic book things coming up in 2022 i can't wait to share them with people and tell people when to when to look for them but uh things are brewing man i'm i'm getting art on two things at once already right now uh and uh just god i can't even this colors that i have for heavy metal this uh i wish i had his full name in front of me but this we got this guy from south america that's doing like beautiful pages like i would i would frame any page that of this dumb brutal uh heavy metal comic that we did.

It's basically an axe, or it's a guitar. It's called The Axe, but it's a guitar mixed with Evil Dead. We basically did a heavy metal Evil Dead for Heavy Metal Magazine. So that's Joe Troman, and I wrote that, and that's coming out soon. I'm rambling, but I'm super excited about it. Anything else, Blaine? Oh, Stacey Geish and I are doing a celebrity laser tag. It's us and Hanson versus the Dallas Cowboys cheerleaders.

Loved it. Should be fun. I might come out to that one. I don't usually get excited about these things you do with him, but, uh, Keach, uh,

right on. Well, uh, we appreciate your listening. Thanks for listening to another episode of nerd poker. You can follow us at patrion.com slash nerd poker, and you get bonus episodes from there and you can also send us anything at p.o box one six zero six nine encino california nine one four one

six thanks for listening