Nerd Poker - S4E69 Mayor Derf Demon

Episode Date: January 4, 2022

In this very sexy episode, the Castaway Cuties head towards the mayor of Flaysacola's keep to see if he's there, a clone, a demon, or you know, whatever the crew has to fight now. Maybe a necromancer that turns into a giant baby?

Hey everybody, I'm Brian Poussin, Comedian, writer, actor, nerd. I've been playing D&D with my friends for a long time. I decided to do a new podcast where we play Dungeons & Dragons in my very own dining room. With my wife, kid, and my noisy dogs. So meet my friends... Sarah Kev Dan

Blay Chris Now it's time for another episode of Brian Pussain's Nerd Poker. Season 4. Hey, everybody. I'm Brian Pussain, and you're listening to Brian Pussain's Nerd Poker. It's episode... You know what it is.

Last week was 68, so... Think about it it yeah uh my friends are here uh we've got uh chris hi brian how are you i'm good good to see you good to see you uh ken is but here look at him i am but here i'm sober is that a ironiden shirt or is that a mock Iron Mando? There we go. Iron Mando Hunter. Still pretty cool. Well, yeah, we're recording this the day before Book of Boba Fett comes out. Oh, shit. Yeah, that's right. Hope it's good. Yeah, I have a good

feeling. It's got a little Galactica look to it in the trailers, but I haven't even seen a trailer. Blaine. Hello, Blaine Hello Blaine Hey hi Sarah's here Just in time to talk about Star Wars

I'm here for Star Wars content Bring it on Are you excited about the Galactic Star Cruiser? I'm so excited It's like I can't even contain my excitement Our DM Dan Telfer is here Oh hello I'm so excited. It's like I can't even contain my excitement. Our DM Dan Telfer is here.

Oh, hello. It's good to see you and all of you as well. Nice. And in the upper left, right where I like them, it's Sam, everybody. Hello, sweet children. Hello to you. How are you doing, man? Did you have a good holiday? I'm good. I did. Yeah, it was nice. None of my ceilings fell in. What did you doing man do you have a good holiday i'm good i did yeah it

was nice none of my ceilings would you ramen do nothing i was laid around yeah all the rain stayed outside of my apartment it was very nice that's the way it's supposed to you look very seasonal sam you look like surf miser oh google that reference and then let you know whether or not I agree. Well, he gave you your own new name, but look up Heatmiser and then you'll get it. Okay. Or Coldmiser, whichever. Yeah, yeah. We're all here.

Dan, you want to thank some people? I would love to. First of all, I would like to congratulate and thank a couple of our Patreon supporters who have won things. You'll be seeing some very special things in the mail if the U.S. Postal Service gets its shit together. I want to congratulate our November and December drawing winners. They go by Micah Perdue and Sean Allen congratulations Micah and Sean mazel tov you guys really did it you did do it and in addition to them

I would like to thank the Patreon supporters at our Stargoyle and Hey Boss tiers we're beginning this is our first episode of 2022 so we're beginning our first quarter of things remember everybody is somewhere approximately in a quarter uh within quarter sections of the year i i mix it up so you want to change your name do it sometime uh near then i am going to thank some very, very special Patreon supporters in this special episode of Nerd Poker.

Oh, yeah. Thank you, Tacoma Trash. You know what you did. Just look at you. Great work, Tacoma. Thank you, Death Atlas. Hey, Death Atlas. Is your daddy an angel?

Because you look like you fell out of heaven to fuck. Thank you, Benjamin Vaughn. Is that a Vaughn in your pants or are you just happy to support us? Thank you, Heck487. Heck, you're spelled with an H-E-C But I think You just might be pronounced that way Thank you crispy kid with an acid wand I think we know what reference that is And once again

Is that an acid wand you stole in your pocket Or did Blaine blow you up Thank you Charles Kawachiwa Wait that's not it Let me try it again That is their full name. So I'm going to say it one more time.

Sexy Charles. Thank you, Russian Gaevich. Hey, Russian Gaevich. Is that your real name or are you just rushing it up for me? Thank you. My ex does porn. Wow. But what about you? My Ex Does Porn. Wow. But what about you, My Ex Does Porn?

Does your ex's ex also does porn? Thank you, two in the thoughts, one in the prayers. Oh, I see what you did there. Had to adjust myself in my seat after thinking that one through. Thank you, brown leader, standing by. Do you get it? Imagine that trench run. I know I did.

I know Brian did, too, from the noise he just made. Thank you, the lion, the witch, and Hal Seen's big shaft energy. I'm not sure what that means, but I know what you're trying to mean. Thank you, Adam Kistler has the voice of an angel. Adam, if only I could hear your voice right now. Sadly, I can only hear my own voice echoing through these Sennheiser headphones. Micah Perdue, I know you. You just won the drawing, and I'm also thanking thyself.

Hey, Mr. Clerkman, also known as Alucard Nightingale. Did you get that name from Castlevania, or are you just hitting on me because you know I had a goth phase in high school? Thank you, barf-me- me out tonsillar beetle infestation heinous and grody to the max like totally gag me with a bird thank you barf me out tonsillar beetle effestation highness i can't say the rest of it fast i tried to say it anyway but it got stuck in my throat just like a little beetle did in you know who's thank you cold stone cream Austin

that's a reference to both a wrestler and my favorite way to beat ice cream to a death thank you Matt Wines hey Matt Wines you know what I like and it's you and finally thank you TikToks thick clock hey Blaine TikToks Thick Clock

Hey Blaine, who are those Patreon supporters brought to us by? Hi, I'm Big Dick from Big Dick's Draping Carpet Warehouse and we salute NerdPoker on their 69th episode this season. Get it? Come on down to Big Dick's Drape and Copper Warehouse. Tell them that you are with air for that hot 69 action. And when I say tell them, I mean me, Big Dick.

And I will give you a drape of copper. Come on down to Big Dick's Drape of Carpet Warehouse, 6969 Milf Tits Avenue, down in the Dildo District. We're wide open waiting for you. Happy 69th, Nerd Poker. Go ahead. Make your jokes. Dan.

Thanks, Blaine, for helping me ring in this eelf, an episode I'd like to fuck. It's time now to talk about... What happened last time on NerdPoker? That's right, I'm going to talk to you about the past. It went a little something like this. Caspia and Nathan finally rejoined our crew, and they leveled up pretty much.

That was most of last episode. Now they are headed towards the mayor of Flayzacola's office to see if they can save him from being unleashed in the form of Pazuzu upon the continent of Davin Glavin and this entire plane of existence. We now take you to the Castaway Cuties already in progress. So, you guys are heading down the street in Flays of Cully, yes?

Sure. That was what you wanted to do a couple weeks ago when we recorded our last regular episodes. Does anyone need a reminder of anything? It's been a minute. We're wearing our cool disguises. That's right you disguised we rolled to disguisey yeah i uh i might need some health should we have uh we just

rested didn't we just we did okay cool well let me put that i i noticed a listener uh tweeted at the nerd poker twitter account which i am not the only person who checks. And they were like, they still didn't rest up. They did. You guys are long rested. You leveled up in the hotel. And a spot. And you got all your hit points.

Yeah, yeah. It was really nice. So please, Danny Yen, as well as anyone else in the castaways who's needing to, please mark up your new hit points that you rolled last episode to full maximum. And regardless, I like to when you level up, just say you're at full hit points. It would just be sort of silly to give you a bunch of new abilities and be like, P.S.

You got one hit point, sucker. I won't do that to you. So yeah, we're going to confront our clones, potentially, who are trying to... Weirdly, though, as I was... Because I missed part of the last episode because my internet went out when I was listening to it. Is our aim also somewhat aligned with the Cabal? Because they want to kill...

It sounds like they want to kill King Valix, the Archlich, right? The downside is, and there might be a little confusion here because a listener pointed out in the Patreon Dungeon Master question and answer post that I may have said two different numbers of how many active Cabal members there are. As far as you guys know, there's only two active members left. The King Valix and Vindaria up in Cl up in clodenheim the evil archlich guy who took on the mantle of that one dude and there's also this werebat bugbear um otherwise you don't know

i think the mix-up came there was a certain point in the story where i didn't want to reveal yet that uh the archlich was technically like aligned with the cabal so i think i i left the number off and it seemed like there was maybe one less or one more member left then it might have been clear so uh yeah i would love to spend this time catching us up on the plot i think a lot of listeners also appreciate some general catch-ups on the plot so so anybody yeah yeah the letter says that the cabal wants to kill king valyx but he's part of the cabal so that's where i got yeah but he kind of weaseled his way in there to control it and so they were trying to get the the demon pazuzu out um of this guy so they could destroy the phylactery just like you guys wanted to okay so we do so

are some of our aims are aligned there's just not much of them left you've kind of killed you've like all of them except for this werebat you know you know dan you seem to know a lot about this cabal maybe we should uh be uh talking to you about this a little bit roll a persuasion check to convince your dungeon master to tell you more information about that okay uh let me see what i have on persuasion remember i have a very low i have a nine charisma correct unlike unlike uh jelf you're a townsperson so you've got you know some penalties to your stats i'm uh negative one here we go you ready all right yep six all right well i'm gonna tell you, because it would be weird if I didn't. Yeah.

So the cabal, mostly gone. The one guy flew up all the way from Blingbottom and Nathan and Cosby were kind of tracking him to what you think is the other headquarters, just northeast of Flay's Acola in the woods near where you killed Lord Amalegda and Woody, his sort of bodyguards. So you guys, you guys know just that outside of town, there's some weird shack where the where bad is. Um, and you're headed to the mayor's office where you're hoping to learn a little bit more.

We were hoping to like run into our other selves. Yeah. There's also the issue of the clones you guys are trying to figure out. Where are we doing to try to do some like undercover thing where we would track ourselves down and see what we were doing or something we thought our clone selves were going to kill the mayor to release panzuzu and then once they release panzuzu the cabal is going to according to the letter destroy the phylactery that he wears around his neck travel to vendaria infiltrate the dread castle and then kill valyx now we as players probably also want to kill king valyx because he's the one who

fucked us in the last season your dad excuse me halcyon's dad well i'm just saying halcyon's dad is like in the royal court also it's not actually king valyx he's just one of the one of the other liches he was not responsible for everything um so yeah so i'm saying we are overlapping with that where we would we wanted to get to his phylactery and also kill him also i think just because he's a bad guy sorry my earbuds weren't working do you guys say uh cheesecake phylactery i'm in let's go i'm driving yeah i mean i you there say a cheesecake phylactery? I'm in. Let's go. I'm driving.

Yeah. I mean, I do. There's a lot of ways you could solve this. Most of the clones are, you know, like, I'm sure they are the only one,

you know, has been a clone that's still alive is the were bat. Got it. Who made himself look like I have a, you guys have really just murdered the shit out of most of the clones and cabal members as far as you know there's been some incidences where you're like maybe there's more clones so should we instead of going to the mayor's office should we be going to the shack and trying to talk slash negotiate slash figure out this convo with iva the werebat she says as

you're all disguised walking to the mayor's office right like you could still turn around we can totally go to the mayor i'm just trying to figure out what our goal is here. Yeah. I think part of the lure of the mayor's office was confronting and dealing with our clones. Right. But it sounds like Dan saying that basically the people might be there might not be. You don't know that the people who were our clones now we've I don't know. All right.

Well, let's just. But then it's like, I guess I don't under i don't totally understand what our goal is well why don't you all i'll give you a top of i think i think i know what your goal is but why don't i give you all an inside check and i'll uh your as your characters give it to you in world sorry i'm so dumb inside at all grab your grab your 20 side dice it's you're world sorry I'm so dumb insight check grab your 20 side dice you're not dumb I think the trick is I every season try to make it really clear

what the goal is and it has not once been super clear all the time so I want to just keep trying but yeah like there's this sort of secondary goal of like we got to kill the arch just because he sucks but not all of your characters necessarily are like affected by it like they were last season right now i would say all of your characters are definitely mostly

focused on well this demon can't come and lay waste to the continent um and i will, based on your insight checks, give you guys character-wise a clear goal. I rolled a 16. Oh, excuse me. 16, 12. What else we got? What else we got? 16. 19.

25. Holy shit. Wow. Okay. So I'm going to give the clearest stuff to Nathan and Jelf. Just for brevity's sake, I won't go through every single character. All of you guys, as you walk to the mayor's office and contemplate whether you should actually do a 180, think about this. But Nathan, based off of everything you've seen, you think at the very least the cabal is in very dire straits, barely exists anymore, right?

Like the archlich isn't even really so much a member so much as he is control was controlling them and he's not really like an active member so much as he's like trying to control dave and glaven right so there's really just sort of this one sad powerful looking but sad werebat who is like flown to his secret hideout um and yeah you could go do that and confront him but based off of how much as a group you've been able to sort of fuck up most of the cabal members without you know dying everybody dying like you're like okay we'll definitely take care of it eventually uh jelf i will add that yeah like you guys like i said a second ago your main goal i think at this point is to not have pazuzu destroy dave and glaven but this whole time you've been trying to attune 2d to this hammer

which can destroy the phylactery like you need something that powerful to smash this necklace around pazuzu's neck uh so either way you feel feel like you're going to have to get Pazuzu somehow so you can smash this phylactery and Pazuzu. Didn't he used to be called Panzuzu? Yes. Okay. But we all said Pazuzu repeatedly.

And I think... Ann is silent. I heard that. There you go. I tried to make it Panzuzu and put more of a twist I tried to make it pan Zuzu and put more of a twist on it to make it my own and then one of you guys a couple episodes ago were like you mean it's Pazuzu right you mean Pazuzu and I was just like fine

it's Pazuzu oh I missed this entirely it doesn't matter did I do a Joe Pazuzu joke yet because if I knew I'd be lying he's lying yeah he's not exactly like like you can look up pazuzu and it'll be similar to what i'm doing you'll see the exorcist um i don't want to

scary also yeah like most things in dungeons and dragons it's also a reference to i think a mesopotamian god like it probably, it was a real world thing. Um, any Hawaii. Yeah. Jelf. You're like, okay,

we should at least, you know, figure out how to perfectly attune to the, to this hammer before the big battle. But it seems like 50, 50, whether the big battle is going to take place up in that headquarters or somewhere else you definitely know that the mayor's office is where pazuzu is supposed to be okay

uh but in terms of our goal yeah do we want to release the demon so that we can grab the thing and do we want to do what the cabal wanted to do or do we want that not to happen sorry to be so blunt about it but i just am trying to parse the yeah you haven't really talked about whether or not you want to just maybe keep pazuzu trapped inside the mayor seems like a bad stop that seems like a bad idea ken is holding up a weird image of the puppet from saw just to creep everybody out. That's Bazzuzi from The Exorcist. I'm sorry, Sarah. I didn't realize it scared you that bad.

Oh, did you not realize when I said I don't want to hear about it and think about it? I've worn it on a shirt. Thankfully, your chest is usually below. It's fine. I'm saying at Brian's house. I love that thing. That thing's so creepy. It's the best makeup ever. So geographically, I'm going to say you guys are outside the mayor's office at this point.

Like there's these gates, stone walls all around the property, big steel gates and a couple of guards standing in front of the gates are shut. You see there's a path leading up a hill and the mayor's office is this, you know, it's medieval style fantasy. But it's it's like it's like a little hold a little fort and you know that it's where he and there's probably some other diplomats bureaucrats uh hanging out let's let it fire right now you guys are all kind of walking around the street obviously talking about whether or not you can shoot a flaming arrow into the mayor's office but also like like discussing okay well do we actually what do we want to do when we meet the mayor so uh iron that out do we

believe the mayor is in on this like is he aware of he was like they used his like body right yeah yeah there some someone in the filament of dongle years ago trapped the demon pazuzu who came out of that portal those the those evil stairs with the portal top pazuzu came out and they trapped him inside the recently deceased mayor derf depple and brought brought derf depple back to life as a living prison he's sort of undead, right? And he's like unaware that Pazuzu is trapped inside him. And he's just trying to be a bureaucrat and take care of Flayzacola unaware. And that monk order, Philamitadongle, tried to not only recruit Danny, and Danny was like, no thanks.

But there was only one of them left. And he was trying to keep Pazuzu inside Durfdepple. But the Cabal has been trying to break Pazuzu out of Durfdepple. So he doesn't know. He's kind of oblivious. I would say you all know, especially based off that last insight check the mayor is supposed to be oblivious he's supposed to just be like drinking coffee talking about political maneuvers and okay so we're gonna do a

pro we can do a pros and cons list here which is the pro of summoning panzuzu or working with the cabal is that then we get to kill the arch lich right question mark dan is that correct am i reading this we could team up maybe was what you're saying and also

like the phylactery i hate to make this more complicated okay but the phylactery contains like part of the essence of the Archlich, which if you destroy it, it doesn't kill the Archlich, but it makes him mortal. Right now, if you were to just stomp into the castle and kill the Archlich, he could come back to life and develop a new form because this phylactery exists.

If you smash it, you could then go attack him and he would be obliterated from existence. But in order to smash it, we need Tootie to be at full hammer strength, right? And we need to summon the demon, right? Yeah, but don't we need the hammer at full strength first? Yeah, yeah, I'm just trying to, because the other option is just

leaving the mayor alone and that doesn't seem like a good idea, even though that's what the quote unquote good guys were trying to do before the monks. Is the mayor and I'm a little unclear. There are clones of us or they are the members of the cabal impersonating us. are clones of us or they are the members of the cabal impersonating us you think that there are they're not clones but they they they're double they're doppelgangers they're they're members of like pod people kind of things right yeah they're they're members of the cabal and possibly like servants of the cabal and and via those blood samples and that iron maiden thing are being transformed to look like you guys but also perhaps others you did find this big barrel full of blood samples i mean

it looked like they could disguise themselves as many people a lot of yeah a lot of samples a lot of ampules but there could be answers in the mayor's office which are now standing in front of the guards are kind of noticing these powerful-looking adventurers are standing around talking. If we tell the mayor there are these clone things looking to kill him, that might propel things forward. I mean, he doesn't know anything, though. We're going to tell him he's an undead vessel for a demon god thing? Just say his life's in danger.

These clones are looking to kill him. You guys are armed with decent perception and insight checks if you want to go see what's going on in the mayor's office. All right, I guess we can just get there and wing it. And then they're going to go, hey, those are the people whose clones did that horrible thing, and then get them. Right?

Right. Okay. So you approach the guards? Yeah, my concern is what damage our clones have done and what damage they've done to our reputation. True. How do we find that out? Well, we're in disguise. Should we send the best disguised of us

to go talk to the guard? I don't care about my bad reputation. I think it's Danny. It's not me. Well, we're in disguise. Should we send the best disguised of us to go talk to the guard? I don't care about my bad reputation. I think it's Danny. It's not me. Danny, do you want to figure out whether or not the Castaway Cuties have been besmirched via their reputation? Yeah, definitely.

Well, do you want to ask these guards right in front of you or do you want to ask some common townsfolk? I'll ask the guards. Alright, do you want to ask these guards right in front of you, or do you want to ask some common townsfolk? I'll ask the guards. All right, so you approach the guards, and you... How do you want to word it, Brian? Yeah, good question. Describe the group to them and see if there's any... Yeah, because we're all wearing disguises now, so...

Yeah, so you can describe us without... Capes and curly mustaches abound. What have you heard about the Castaway Cuties? I do a persuasion check. Danny N. Oh, nice. 17 plus 3.

14! The Castaway Cuties, we've seen them around town for a couple of weeks. Their reputation in town is a bit strained at this moment, but... Oh, have they changed lately? How so? I mean, when they first showed up here, it was a bit strange. How has their reputation changed? Oh, they've been marching in and out

of that hotel over by the docks just like they're the boss of Flay's Acola they've set up that new outpost outside of town they're always asking for favors okay where is the outpost

would we know which exit yeah I mean he describes it to you and you think it is up by where you fought Lord Amalegda that he says the castaway cuties have their outpost he also remarks yeah and you know it's been a real rough couple of days since

the castaway cuties visited the mayor two days ago it's the mayor has been acting really strange hmm that's good to know two days ago. The mayor's been acting really strange. Hmm. That's good to know. Strange ha-ha or strange bit on the neck by something. We're late.

Yeah. Yeah. Well, so the mayor is where he should be, but should we go, well, I'm not talking to these guys anymore, but between us, should we head to the outpost?

Or the hotel. Yeah, do you want to do another insight check? Danny specifically, you get to do an insight check from talking to the guard, the vibe you got. Okay. Yeah, I'll do it. guard the vibe you got. Okay. Yeah, I'll do it.

Are we talking about taking out the outpost first and then coming back into town? If that's where the clones are. Pretty low there, Dan. I mean, nothing leads you to believe, Danny, that it's too late here. You just think the cabal did something weird to the mayor

or said something weird to the mayor or said something weird to the mayor and something's going on inside the mayor's office. I think we should go just talk. Let's just go talk to the mayor and then go from there. Okay. Yeah. See what's going on. So you go back up as a

group to the guards and what would you like to say? Any of you. We'd like to see the mayor, please. Oh, now? That would be nice. What's your business? We're thinking about setting up business in town.

A lucrative offer for him. A lucrative business? What kind of business? That's between us and the mayor. Alright, 2D do a persuasion check. I'll let you have advantage because everybody's trying to. A comic book shop that also sells cappuccinos. And sports

equipment. I've wanted to do it for a long time. And they do comedy shows in the storeroom. We want all the guards to go there. There's one in Toronto that's fucking great, but I've always wanted a local one. Okay, persuasion with advantage, you say? Yes. Okay.

They're setting one up at Geeky T's in Burbank. That's a 17. They've got little booths. They're going to sell coffee and tea. 17? Yes. They're like, oh, all right. We'll let the mayor decide.

Of course, go on up to the office. Go ahead. Thank you. They open the gate. You guys head up the stone stairs towards the mayor's hold would probably be a better way to put it since there are no swiveling chairs in this office. You guys find your way to large oak doors. There is a lobby where there's some administrative employees walking around, and one of them offers to take you up to the mayor's office.

Let's go. Nathan will lean over to Ivan and be like, that's a clue. 100%. That's a clue. 100% that's a clue. I look at him eyes wide. The assistant introduces himself as Jeremy. And he says, all right, I'm new here. Yes, weird how you're doing finger quotes as I introduce myself, Bunnyman.

But don't worry i i think your proposal might interest the mayor just hang out outside the door for a second and i'll go inside he kind of slinks in there cautiously hoping not to disrupt whatever the mayor is doing shuts the door we're all in agreement jeremy needs to die right're all... What's going on with you? You have a rough trip up from Bling Bottom? Well, everybody's pretending to be... They said anyone could be a clone. That's true. Anyone could be.

Can you use your bunny nose to sniff out clones in danger? Yes, Dan, I will use my bunny nose to sniff out clones in danger, please. All right. Use your unwavering suspiciousness. Jeremy slides back out and says, oh, this is quite a turn. I described

what you all looked like and your proposal and the mayor said, send them away immediately. You described what we currently look like. He got kind of angry, in our disguises i just well you're dressed as what disguises what uh no i just i described he seemed particularly worried when i mentioned one of you was a sort of beast folk and just your very heights and vibe seemed to upset he did not want to meet with five adventurers or six adventurers i should say

he seemed a little worried um jelf puts out telepathic waves like aquaman telling his friends hey let's kill this guy and run into the office you definitely get a vibe of like wait what what the fuck and i think you're all like yeah like okay so okay i make a i make a i do a minor illusion of um coming a sound coming from down the stairs of one of the guards that we heard earlier screaming at the top of his lungs jeremy Jeremy! Do a deception check, Ivor. I will roll against it. Does he sound like Eddie Vedder? Jeremy's stats. I know, but it turns out

he did speak in class today. Wait, he's supposed to do a... Remember with illusion, he's supposed to do a... Oh, it's right next to investigate. Investigation check against my spell save DC. Great. Well, sure enough. Of course, Jeremy being low level in the bureaucracy of Flay's of Cola goes, ah, shit.

Hang on. And he runs down the stairs. Oh, no. We've unleashed a lion. Let's go. Yeah. He spoke today. Let's get the racist lady's breast.

How could I have... What? And it hit me, it was a bright left. Oh, my doll, it's urban. Oh, drop out of the world. You gotta do this. Yeah. Oh, my doll.

Oh, my doll. Oh, my doll. Oh, my doll. Oh, my doll. Oh, my doll. Oh, my doll. Oh, my doll. Oh, my doll. Oh, my doll. Oh, my doll. Oh, my doll. Oh, my doll. Oh, my doll. Oh, my doll. Oh, my doll. Oh, my doll. Oh, my doll. Oh, my doll. Oh, my doll. Oh, my doll. Oh, my doll. Oh, my doll. Oh, my doll. Oh, my doll. Oh, my doll. Oh, my doll. Oh, my doll. Oh, my doll. Oh, my doll. Oh, my doll. Oh, my doll. don't get this reference you don't know this at all I know Jeremy spoke in class today it's his song we just did the whole song

I was even doing the music video i think i heard that guy's voice once and it was out it sounds like somebody successfully erased this from ken's blackboard so you guys manage uh to get jeremy to run down the stairs what are you doing what are you doing quickly to the office so you guys whip the door open and barge in okay hell yeah um you pull the door open go in shut the door behind you and the mayor a human uh looks up worried and he starts shuffling papers around on his desk and he goes how can i help you? Well, we have a problem. What?

Have you spoken to five adventurers? Maybe. Who are you? We are the real Castaway Cuties. You spoke to some frauds. I'm sorry to tell you. Don't we might be a fraud he's just been acting weird

all of a sudden um his face changes to that of another human um he looks uh kind of weak you know like like he goes from looking like an average middle-aged human to this

sort of thin ga gaunt, pale, homeless-looking man. But then he rears his head back and goes, and there's vampire fangs. Yeah, boy. And he runs at all of you. Okay. Well, I guess we'll fight him then. Oh, cool. What are you going to do?

Let's light them up tell me more specific oh does danny do you just punch him danny no um yeah i mean this guy looks pretty pathetic as vampires go normally these guys can be pretty difficult but you think just based off of your encounter so far this guy's not as strong as any of the vampires you've encountered so far the hard part is he might take another form like mister or something like that once you kill him okay uh well right away i mean there's furniture you could smash some sort of uh all right there's like there's like a little done sort of side table right next to the door. You just came through that.

You think if you just like hit it hard and pick it up and like hit it down, one of the legs will be pretty steak like. Cool. And then I throw a stakes to the other running you blind and he is going to jump on Jelf. Oh, great. Jelf do a strength check.

Uh, oh great do a strength check uh so I'm looking at my thing I have a 15 okay he is going to attempt to grapple you hey good luck with that he rolls a 10 so you throw him to the ground.

Okay. Wow. Can I cast hold person on him? Sure. Then I will. Hold person. What is it to try to resist that? 13 wisdom, I think.

Let me see. Yeah. Wisdom. Safe. He rolls a three. Oops. So he is paralyzed. Can I get a return

hit on him? Sure. I'm gonna lay Shillelagh on my short sword so that it's magical and I'm gonna try to lop his head off. Great. Roll to attack. You have advantage because he's held right now.

It will possibly break his whole person. 17. Oh, that's a hit. Roll your damage. Hey, Blaine, who is you looking around for a thing brought to you by J Batteries? Yeah, we're a size.

J Batteries. Thanks for killing time, Blaine. Hey, Blaine, how you doing? Oh, man. Not good. I gotta get back on my AOL account here. Okay. Do you want me to look

your damage up for your short sword, buddy? No, I got four. Okay. He goes, he's still pinned to the ground by magic okay can i get another attack on him i could do sure right all of you are just watching him wail on this paralyzed vampire it's fun it's another 16 which is good yep and so far you've asked him zero questions since he's been uh pinned and another since he's been pinned.

Once he's roughed up enough, we'll start asking. I just feel like since listeners are always like, how come you killed that vampire without interrogating him? I was trying to guess what's going on. It's what we do. And then I go back and forth on Twitter for a while. I'm like, well, because the one time he didn't want to talk. And they're like, okay, but you should remind them next time they could terrorize.

Okay, yeah. I think this is Dan reminding us to interrogate this guy guys so he shivers and he looks he starts gushing black blood out of out of a rip disgusting in his collarbone he's still alive but he's like on the verge rip in his collarbone that's just yeah like you pull you pull his

skin apart with the shillelagh who are you perhaps I should take his eyes who are you did you say who are you yeah who are you? Perhaps I should take his eyes with my daggone. Who are you? Did you say who are you? Yeah, who are you? Oh, I'm so glad I heard that. Can you do an intimidation check, Tootie? I can. See, it's all like

roll a check here. Do a constitution save that. Hmm. That is a 16. Purvis Jenkins 16 Purvis Jenkins Purvis Jenkins the fuck is Purvis Jenkins

does that mean anything to us the cabal promised me power oh boy I'm sorry to tell you but they're never going to give power to anyone named Purvis so did they, how long ago were you, are you replicating,

how long have you been replicating the mayor? Where is the mayor? A week ago, they transformed me into a couple of two days I've been here. Two days, yeah. Where's the real mayor? They took him away. I do not know where.

He's at the shack. He's at the place, yeah. He should have been to the shack first. The shack? Go ahead. Do we want to ask him about the difference between the shack and the hotel? What's the hotel? Where we were.

I mean, you guys know that there was some sort of war room in the hotel, and so there might be other functions in that place. Yeah, sure. Does he know anything about that? You ask him about the difference and he says, I've never been to the hotel, but I have seen

the shack. He knows nothing about nothing. How many miles is it to the shack? Five-ish. That's a surprising answer. It's a little old place where we can get together. Thank you. Did we ever examine the stuff

from the hotel that we found? All the paperwork and stuff? No. You spent no time looking at this stuff. You looked at it a little bit and I like fed you some stuff yeah I will say everybody roll a perception check as

Purvis sort of a perversion check 13 that was a long roll 18 12 oh shit so you all 13. That was a long roll. 18. 12.

Oh, shit. So you all kind of are walking around. Danny, you walk right up to the mayor's desk as everyone else kind of looks over what they got at the hotel. And you notice two things in particular. There is what looks like a very powerful magic bow and arrow set hanging on this sort of wooden plaque behind the mayor's desk on the wall and also it the mayor has what looks like some sort of diary kind of like on the table underneath the papers it looks as if Purvis was trying to hide the diary under the paper the rest of you guys

are looking at the notes and yeah you you get the impression that something magical was planned to happen in the mayor's office like to to basically replace him with a body double which seems to have happened it also seems like maybe the mayor is already dead maybe Pazuzu is already being summoned there's something really weird Nathan what did you roll on your perception 12 you hear this sort of whisper in the back of your head Nathan it's a familiar voice you can't quite place it but it seems like a voice is magically reaching out to you. You just can't quite hear her words. Does anyone

else hear that magical voice? Do we? Cospia looks at you and says, no! Oh. That's your extended warranty. Are you hearing things? I hear a magical voice. I can't quite make it out. What's it saying? It's extended warranty. I listen hear a magical voice i can't quite make it out what's it saying it's extended

i listen to my i listen for a magical voice i think i listen real hard i'm gonna have to leave it up to chris to figure out if he's ever heard a magical voice before have i is this my grandmother? All right. Well, I don't. I will say this. You've spoken to multiple magical voices throughout this season, but only one has communicated.

Oh, the elf boy. Oh, what's he saying? That's what I'm thinking. Now that he recognizes who it is, can he better um nathan do and arcana check arcana check 10 all right yeah you get two two things occur to you um with a 10 uh you don't figure out just naturally as Nathan exactly who this voice is, but you figure out that it's not the little boy. The little boy, however, seemed to be from right about where the Cabal shack is. Hmm.

But the voice, you're like, oh, is this tied to the house somehow? Is this turning into a rescue mission? Interesting. All right. Well, I mean, the only other thing I think of is that weird demon thing up in the tower. Oh, man. I want to feed you this so bad, Chris. But yeah.

It's all right. It's a magical voice. And you've heard of magical voice before based off of, I'll say, some of the and you've heard of magical, a voice, uh, before based off of, I'll say some of the items you've found and stuff like that. All right. Was it, remember the,

the, Oh, I said this before. There was a, there was a sword that had a person in it, a cutlass that nobody remembers. And then there was like, wasn't an item that we had that

had you know that spoke I don't know yeah maybe the cutlass the cutlass belonged to someone who said that they were like a spirit living in the house so you're saying it's that voice of the cutlass it feels like just talking to iva maybe yeah who's carrying is one of us carrying the cutlass

i think iva's carrying it yeah well oh this is the thing that we saved from the lava and the demon plane right yeah that's where we got it yes from the lava and the demon plane. Right? Yeah. That's where we got it. Like a box in the demon plane. Yeah, I don't have it in my... If that's the case, I would maybe ask Iva to draw the cutlass. Okay.

You hear the voice a little bit louder. It seems to be calling your name. Oh. That's not good. It's calling my name oh that's not good it's calling my name what's your evil cutlass it's not evil it wasn't evil it wasn't evil no it wasn't right Dan

no no it's it's okay so it said its name was Balthazar and that you should commune with him back when you have a chance in your prime material plan it's singing guys and dolls i will i will do you another solid uh you do have multiple potions that you found back at the house that allowed you to uh say see orbs or little elven boys when you would uh partake of them oh yeah oh the weird like magic wine uh-huh

i mean danny talked to a toad he drank one of them and talked to a weird toad so perhaps we need to get real high on that wine and talk to a sword you're gonna drink some of that black wine does somebody else want to i will certainly but i think you're the best at it all right i will i will take a gentle sip do a constitution saving throw nathan i don't think that's a good idea uh all right 20. oh everybody else you see nathan's eyes roll back and suddenly turn into black jet black black eyeballs. Nathan, you see a tunnel as if you're being thrown through it, and your whole body starts to shake with cold.

You then find yourself in a representation of the mayor's office, except now it is all a pale purple and a strange, it looks like some sort of cat person wizard is standing in front of you. There's a cat wizard. Watch out. Nathan, Nathan, it is I, Balthazar. Do you remember the previous exposition where I introduced myself to you? I'm not, maybe.

That was once my sword that your friend Iva is carrying. Oh, yes, yes. Your sword. It was. I'm letting her have it. I'm not going to argue about it. It's not a problem. All right. Do you understand what's going on in this room right now?

I do, and I wanted to speak to you about this. All right. This is, uh, this is the mayor's office and uh i've i've been figuring out some very powerful spells that i think i can use it to help you i've been able to hear through the sword everything you've been doing oh and um yes um technically my spirit is back at your manor house but I'm using the cutlass to speak to you for a very brief period of time there was one of your other friends

that you met in the manor I also spoke to him he was if you remember a very tall feywild creature yes up in the tower yes I've been looking at some of the items up in the tower, and I believe I can create a loop of portals between the Shadowfell,

the Prime Material Plane, and the Feywild that will do something rather powerful. I can do this to help you stop Pazuzu. Do you trust me? Yes. stop Pazuzu. Do you trust me? Yes! I mean, after that amazing story about you and the Cutlass and Iva, yes. 100%.

Well, I lost my life on that other plane, you know, and I've been studying other planes for a long, long time and I think what we can do is create a series of portals that allow you each time you go through them to go farther and farther back in the past and i can at least for a small amount of time get you to a time 15 years ago when pazuzu was trapped inside the mayor of Flayzacola, and you can stop it from ever happening.

There's just a few little hitches. A few little problems with this. It wants us to take a portal to the past. It's an offer. You can turn this down. It's an offer. You can turn this down. You would have about 15 minutes to slay Pazuzu in the form he was in right before he's put inside the mayor.

You would also not want to touch anything or talk to anyone really as much as possible, or you would forever alter time and space and make it rather difficult to continue to exist. I can't make any promises about that. I know. I mean, it's something we do. I'm going to give you 20 bucks and I want you to bet on the Beatles to win on Ed Sullivan. But while you're in the mayor's office, I can take you to the mayor's office 15 years ago and you can protect the mayor and you can fight Pazuzu and right here. And it shouldn't take longer than 15 minutes the only other thing is if you do not go back through the portal within 15 minutes you'll be stuck 15 years ago that's it i won't be able to find you i won't

know you you vote the portal will only remain open for that long but you'll be stepping through these portals that are all kind of mashed together i'm just harnessing the power of three different dimensions to do this. Does this make sense on some level? Yes, we have to go back in the past and kill Pazuzu within 15 minutes. That's right. And hopefully it'll all be right in this office.

I don't like that you said hopefully. I can't guarantee anything. It was fine until you said hopefully. It should be fine. Nathan, what's happening in there? He wants us to take the past portals and fight Pazuzu for a panini. What about the phylactery? More P words.

Ask him about what the deal is with that. What happens if we kill Pazuzu? You know, what about it? With the arch Lich. I can't take you back far enough to get the Arch Lich's phylactery separate from Pazuzu. Pazuzu should be wearing the phylactery 15 years ago. So if we fight him, it'll be there. We can destroy the phylactery and everything.

And it will work here. If we destroy the phylactery 15 years from ago it will still be fine now that's right arch lich did this a long time ago you he was in the fey wild for a long time he he aged thousands of years in the fey wild so he was able to place this in pazuzu long before any of you were even born i just don't know how to uh the the time is so tricky, but I can do this while you're in the mayor's office. This is a one-time offer. But we can't do it now.

Why? Why not now? I'm not attuned to the hammer. Oh, you need to get attuned to the hammer? Yes. Yes. Wait, Nathan, he needs to get attuned to the hammer? I'm guessing from the expression on your face? Yes. Tell him I need to get attuned to the hammer. I'm guessing from the expression on your face. Yes.

Tell him I need to get attuned to the hammer. I can attune him to the hammer. Tell him to hold the cutlass. Ooh. Hammer attuning montage. Do you take the cutlass? Touch the cutlass. Yes. Yeah, I didn't tell him I'm attuned to the cutlass,

so I don't know why this guy's talking to Nathan and not me, but I guess I got confused on that. Now, hold Iva's hand because she's attuned to the Cutlass, so I don't know why this guy's talking to Nathan and not me, but I guess I got confused on that. Now, hold Iva's hand because she's attuned to the Cutlass. All right. Roll an Arcana check, Judy. All right. 11. We'll have to find out how that 11 went on episode 70 of Nerd Poker.

Wow. Nice. Hey, Sam, how you doing? Hi, everyone. Would you like to hear what happened on episode 69? We're headed to Flazacola to try and stop the Cabal and our clones, I believe, from releasing a demon in a necklace. And somewhere else, a fire we set in a jungle rages on. We're making a quick pit stop to make sure no one has hurt our reputation

because if our reputation is bad, no one will agree to be our new, what were we calling Octavio, hired friend who can't leave. We heard easily the best acapella version of Jeremy I've ever heard. We busted the mayor for being a goddamn vampire. And we met a cool as hell cat wizard. And Dan, I don't know if this is something I'm supposed to roll for. If I can just ask a game question.

Now the mayor, the, his name was Purvis Jenkins. No, Purvis Jenkins is the guy who was made to look like the mayor. Whose name is Derp Depple. Got it. Is he any relation to the great Leroy Jenkins?

Uh, yes. Okay, great. Then, uh, that that's it this is easily the best episode i've ever heard nice uh dan you want anything you want to plug anything bud um keep an eye out for my book the The Tales of Zadie Handbook that I adapted the Netflix show The Dragon Prince for tabletop. It should be coming out within 2022 at some point. Obviously, the supply chain has fucked everything up royally, but we'll be doing our best to get physical books out. And definitely we'll be getting digital books out as soon as we can. As far as live shows go, the show in Glendale I was talking about in the last episode has been canceled due to Omicron. The show at Largo I was talking about has been canceled due to Omicron, as well as about five other shows. So just keep an eye on social media.

Pretty much everything I had up until January 16th has been canceled. So just keep an eye out. At this point, we're still doing Chicago, though. I haven't heard anything negative and and the sales are going really well the first uh show is i think sold out or if not close um there was a low ticket warning before christmas but uh so dan and i are at uh god i can never remember the name when i'm... Bee Kitchen. Bee Kitchen, yeah. The 22nd, we're doing two shows.

The night before, I'm in a theater at Milwaukee. So just those tour dates are all up on brianpassain.com. I think you're at Turner Hall in Milwaukee. Yeah, exactly. And then there's more stuff coming soon. But those first two big shows I'm really psyched about, I hope they happen. But 21st and 22nd of January.

Not sure who's with me the 21st, but Dan will be telling jokes along with me at the Beat Kitchen. And then I've got some comic book news coming soon. But I've been working away. Anybody else, Blaine? Oh, I have a thing coming up, a little time off, and then Stacy Keach is doing a bunch of Alcoholics Anonymous meetings. I've already said too much, but I'll be there with him.

I'm opening up with 10. Nice. Cool. but I'll be there with him when I'm opening up with 10 nice cool in the Palisades, Pacific Palisades Alcoholics Anonymous, check it out that's the cool one alright cheers thanks for listening to another episode of NerdPoker

you can follow us at patreon.com slash nerdpoker, and you get bonus episodes from there. And you can also send us anything at P.O. Box 16069, Encino, California, 91416. Thanks for listening.