Nerd Poker - S4E7 Uncorker

Episode Date: October 27, 2020

Our heroes have nearly reached the beaches of Davenglaven, but first there's treasure to unpack, and a mysterious impasse to uncork. Hopefully that total-party-kill you almost thought was going to happen in the first episode of the season isn't going to happen NOW.

Hey everybody, it's time for our spooky October Patreon drawing for our Hayboss and Stargoyle level supporters. Thank you so much for supporting us on Patreon, you guys! This month's winner is... Byronic Hero! Thanks and enjoy the episode. Hey everybody, I'm Brian Poussin, comedian, writer, actor, nerd. I've been playing D&D with my friends for a long time. I decided to do a new podcast where we play Dungeons & Dragons in my very own dining room with my wife, kid, and my noisy dogs. So meet my friends... Sarah.

Kev. Dan. Lee. Chris. Now it's time for another episode of Brian Poussaint's Nerd Poker. Season 4. Now it's time for another episode of Brian Poussaint's Nerd Poker. Season 4. Hey everybody, I'm Brian Poussaint, and you're listening to Brian Poussaint's Nerd Poker.

Episode 7 of Season 4. We're having a blast, my friends are here. Hello Sarah Sarah Hello Brian Hi Brian Why am I far away from the mic? Try not to be too hot No no you're perfect Don't ever change

Ken hey buddy Hello Hey Angel Chris Hello my friend What's up buddy We've got Dan up there. Hello, Dan. Oh, yeah. Hey, didn't think I'd see you here.

Oh, I love that take when guys act like they didn't know a camera was there. Oh, hello. Oh, hello. Oh, whoops. Pardon me while I smoke this pipe. How did you get here from the green room? And we've got our friend Sam, everybody. And his adorable dog. And is your dog's dog toy bigger than him? It looks like it. Got him an evil goat for Halloween,

but instead of attacking it, it's just his best friend. Oh, he cuddles it? And they hang out they hang out all day it's bigger than him dude that happens with a lot of arranged mormon marriages dog toys are supposed to be proportional i like i was pretty high when i went to target i should say that goat also is very like humanoid bipedal in its body shape so the way you tossed it there and the way ramen did not like play with it it looked very much like it was regarding a dead body like it looked like that was the reason

because it's just like yeah it looks like you just threw like a victim onto your couch like you're a vampire and ramen is now your dog was just looking at you like what is your what is up you just threw it again ramen's like why, why would... That's my friend. You son of a bitch. They're going to be working through some stuff this episode, you guys. I think we all are. I just watched the vice president die on national television while a fly consumed his corpse. Well, that all happened at once. It felt like it.

Remember when that happened, you guys? It did feel like it was 50 years ago. When that was the least crazy thing yeah yeah i i'm still stuck on his wife uh uh talking about fucking christmas who gives a fuck about christmas media outlet remembered oh boy um anyway well let's let's cut let's cut all that stuff out you guys no let's keep it but let's thank people before I cut myself out of this episode I'd like to mention some people who I value a great deal these are

our Patreon supporters at the Stargoyle and HeyBoss tiers I want to give a big ol' shout out to Dr. Ewood's Forest Grown OG Kush thank you so much and thank you Waka willis thank you thanks bull stallion thank you thank you zen smoke thank you thank you rachel thank you thank you time boats

boat scrote yep thank you tiktok's ever interchangeable anatomical gear parts i think i laugh every time at Boatscroat. Who doesn't? I love stumbling upon Boatscroat every time as if it is a new scrote. I also like stumbling upon Pat Dukes. Thanks, Pat Dukes. Thank you, Jody Spence. With Tony Rosato. Thank you, Big Tick Energy.

Thank you. That one sounds different now that I'm watching Lovecraft Country where there's a character named Tick. Thank you, Legless Wonderbread. Thank you, a character named Tick. Thank you, Legless Wonderbread. Thank you, Hobo McJones. Thank you. Thanks, HP. Thank you, Ice Fives Venus member.

Thank you, Joshua Fryer. Thank you. Oh, boy. Thank you, Hobby Lobby's Homorobby Robbery Hobby. Thank you, TCDC and Alley Cat. And all All cat acdc cover band excuse me tcdc thank you richard humphrey thank you matthew edwards thank you the rad keyboard from season one i wonder what that keyboard's name was thank you trilly mcgynest and thank you the most intricate dick tracing of the modern age ah Oh, thank you. Oh, dick tracing.

Speaking of dick tracing. Wasn't that with Madonna and Warren Beatty? Cream face. Who could forget? Shoulders. Tiny face, big ears. No way is that one. Don't forget punch it big tough.

Flat top. Flat top. Flat head. His real name is Suggs. Mosquito Nards is my favorite. Hey, Blaine, who are those Patreon supporters brought to us by? They're brought to you by AB Negative Blood. Say goodbye to the O. Say goodbye to the A.

AB Negative, that's the way to go with blood. Step into the AB world. C AB world caution make it take clotting we're also brought to you by Domino's taxes we do your taxes in 30 minutes or it's free and Dulles when a sharpie's just too sharp Dulles Dan

Blaine guess what I'd like to do now it's tell you what happened last time on Nerd Poker. Our new crew, who is not called the Ice Five, and I kind of have to remind myself every single time. I'm like, should I say the Ice Five? Nope, nope, can't do it. The not Ice Five are in some lava caves that are quite narrow. not ice five,

are in some lava caves that are quite narrow. They've killed some fire newts, but perhaps most importantly, they just found some treasure. They just grabbed a little treasure chest, which I like to pronounce treasure, and they are in the process of running away with it.

They've also got a little pangolin platypus thing called Noodles that is currently clinging to Nathan the Bunny Man's shoulder. Alright, well, guys, that's Scoop. About time to analyze

that chest that Danny, Brian Posehn, is holding, but I believe Brian Posehn just, of course, ran away to get his California pizza kitchen. He's getting a chest full of vittles. You know, the narrative business that we should also tidy up is the fact that, you know, you didn't notice that tunnel was like some kind of trap.

There's like a little bit of a tunnel ahead of you. It feels like talking to Verge, your little guide, your little halfling with a snake head. You're almost through the end of this. So you could stop now and look at the chest that Danny is holding. He said he stuffed him in his sweatpants, I believe.

And I like the very patient nod from Sarah when I said he stuffed him in his... I remember now. Sarah commented about it several times about Danny having treasure in his pants. Yeah, because I specifically remember

that Brian went out of his way to be like, this guy has loose-fitting clothing, and I couldn't believe it immediately became important that his clothing was loose-fitting. It was awesome. And then he could, you know, tuck a little junk down by his... A little junk junk near his junk truck. Yeah, tuck a little junk down by his... A little junk junk near his junk truck.

Yeah, just a little treasure chest. He's got a little Etsy shop down there. Who doesn't have a little Etsy shop in their pants? That's the name of my new folk album coming out. You have to be careful. There's tax implications. That's true. A lot of people are moving their businesses off of Etsy.

If you follow the indie merchants sort of out there in the world and just kind of staring at Brian's window right now waiting for the earbuds to go back in his ear. Last chance to talk about him. Oh, hey, Brian. Anyway, Brian, we surveyed 100 people on the streets of Hollywood Boulevard and we said, hey, what do you call them?

Do you call them hoagies or do you call them grinders? Sorry. So, Brian, we're talking about what do you want to do with that chest you just got them hoagies you call them grinder sorry so brian we're talking about what do you want to do with that chest you just got oh hoagies first of all we have a vote for hoagies second of all um yeah what do you what do you guys want to do do you want to forge ahead or you want to crack open this tiny but very heavy chest that you've got in your possession uh we should check it out right we seem to have if's heavy, let's get what's in it and get rid of it.

Does that make sense? Let's make sure we're all in roll 20. Also, narratively speaking, I'm going to say, Iva, you already kind of ran north up the tunnel and met back up with everybody. So you can all be kind of up there and we'll assume you didn't just,

like, I don't know, your ninth stealth check grab the attention of that fire newt. So you're all up there, and yeah, you can either proceed ahead or you can just start hacking at this chest. How heavy is it? Is it something where you want to open and leave? Yeah, that's a weird topic. Yeah, maybe what's inside. Does it need to be hacked open?

Can we try to pop the, you know? You haven't tried yet. It's got a... Check for traps? need to be hacked open? Can we try to pop the... You haven't tried yet. It's got a... Check for traps? It's got a, no keyhole, but a small button right

above the seam in the lid and the main body of the chest. Probably not even locked. No, but it was magically floating. Who's got an unseen hand or something? Somebody should... I have mage hand

safely yeah for me it's a little lucky rabbits paw everyone maybe we should all move a little further up in the tunnel and then my lucky rabbits paw can give it a jiggle jiggle time for Nathan that's gonna be my second album jiggle time for Nathan so

you're gonna go ahead and set it like kind of like uh so you place it down in the mage hand just goes on the button little rabbit's paw you just see a very cute little rabbit's far big lid pops open no adverse effects uh but you do see there is a couple of interesting looking things there is what looks like a very large steel jug of some kind with can the paw pick it up yeah so you pick it you kind of have the paw pick it up it's a steel it's like the size of a milk jug but it's made of you're pretty sure it's steel or a steel like substance maybe same color different it's hard to tell from 10 feet away. And it's got like a stopper in it with a jewel.

You notice there's two more things, a rolled up piece of what looks like a tapestry or something, and a little pouch in the treasure chest. However, it's hard to tell what weighs all that weight because you're using Mage Hand. It's difficult to sort of gauge what the poundage is well it's probably the actual case right there or the poundage oh you know what in fact i'll say this uh i'm looking at what the weight limit is and you do figure it out a mage hand can only carry

up to 10 pounds so you you grab the jug and you're able to tilt it up, but you can't lift it out of the chest with the mage hand. It's too heavy. You're able to lift the pouch. You're able to lift the tapestry up if you want. I'm trying. Can it open the pouch? Yeah. The pouch has a small, it's like a platinum band with an inscription written in

Dwarven on the inside of it. Death Leopard, Triumph, Loverboy, Tootie, Boston. Toot leopard triumph lover boy duty boston these are all platinum band oh yeah i'll read that shit one ring to rule them all nope it says born of the core roiling for more boiling like ore it's it seems like some old dwarven saying about being made in a volcano that's much better um you're. You're not sure what it might imply. I'm writing this down. Born of the core, roiling for more.

Boiling like ore. What was the third bit? Lava. I'll paste it in the chat if anyone would like to copy and paste it into their own digital notes. Born of the core, magma. You're not sure.

It's French Progros. Oh, it's all caps. The Dwarven is in all Dwarvens in all caps. Haven't you seen Dwarven, man? It's all squarish. I saw one of my kids was doing a Zoom assignment, and she's only five, six. So,

but she, the entire thing was in caps. Like no one explained about caps lock on the keyboard. So, and I just reminded you, she's screaming about in winter, it is snowing in springtime. The flowers grow. Mr.

Policeman. My cat likes chicken and water. You've found this platinum ring. It looks like it's at the very least very valuable. Not sure if it's magic. I don't believe any of you have tried to identify it yet, but I think Nathan has that ability eventually.

I do, but it would be at a time perhaps after we're out of this tunnel if I could sit down for about a short amount of time, 10 minutes or something, I could probably identify whatever we need to. I also investigate the chest just to make sure there's nothing of value in the actual chest. You know, like the chest doesn't have a hidden panel or something else. Do an investigation check, Ivo. Maybe it's made out of dreams.

19. 19. Ooh, a 19. Yeah, when you pull at the velvet on the lid, it looks like there's something hidden in the lid. It's a poison-making kit. Nice. That would come in very useful. I hand it to him with a smile. There you go.

Are we saying 2D's got the ring? Yeah. Great. And we still haveD's got the ring? Yeah. Great. And we still have this rolled up. Not going to wear it. But I will take it. Oh yeah, what is the tapestry? Do we unroll the tapestry? What is it? It's up to you. It just says Iron Maiden Killers on it.

Starry Night poster. I had that tapestry. Not Starry Night, but the other one. I just had a big old biker on a Harley with a swastika on his helmet. You did? No. While everybody is looking at stuff, can I walk up ahead a little bit up to where the edge of this red square? Just cautiously, because I think everybody has a... Yeah, you want to clear think everybody has a yeah you want

to kind of clear the visual out a little bit is what you're saying yeah sure uh so you find someplace this path opens up oh and this is in fact the end of this narrow passage um you do see a small pile of bones outside where it opens up. It looks like that's where the fire newts dropped some of their leavings. Ew. Ew. Leavings. Newt pellets. Too bad they don't have their own monster that eats bones

and shoots corn. I will tell you guys, just a passive observation amongst you. You think about it a little bit. There's at least two more, if not even more than two fire newts somewhere in these caverns. So they could possibly have gone this way, or they could

be in one of those areas currently marked off by a red square on the map. We could kill them. Yeah, that's kind of... I mean, yeah, if you wanted to clean out this place, you could, yeah, if you wanted to clean out this place, you could kill him, or you could forge ahead towards Davin Glavin.

Would it make sense to set noodles free here, though? If we're going to go back and do some murdering, perhaps bringing a terrified little friend is not... I think we should keep going. I mean, I think we should get out of here, right? There's no point in... I mean, unless we... Because if we wanted to explore, I think we should keep going. I mean, I think we should get out of here. Right. There's no point in, I mean, unless we,

cause if we wanted to explore, I think we would have been making different choices. We'd been heading for the exit every time. Yeah. Right. Yeah. So. And I,

and I leave the, leave the trunk. I do want to unroll the tapestry just quickly to see what it is. Okay. You unroll the tapestry and you see a banquet scene there are about 12 different humanoid skeletons all eating drinking there's one with a platter serving they're all acting as if they're still alive and sitting in the middle of the banquet in a very sort of christ like position if i may uh travel into that world for a reference

this sort of revered looking snake with a very large belly that is sitting in a chair but its belly is kind of helping it be weighted into the chair its head is sort of elegantly tilted upwards and it has glowing red eyes and a fiery crown on top of its head. Wow, you paint that. It looks like all the humans are... It looks like they're either humans or human-like, maybe elves, but they're all in servitude or guests of this snake creature. Hey, Verge, do you recognize this guy?

Verge takes a look at it. Oh, I think maybe that's Faka. Oh, like we're on his wrath right now? We were. His wrath was the little island you landed on. Oh, what's his deal again? A god of the volcano. Got it.

All right. And who are all these little skeleton worshippers? Oh, they're the other races that will fall to him. What? That's an ongoing kind of procedure? That's right. I think. I'm guessing.

I mean, what do I know? I'm cursed. You're cursed? Oh, right. You were cursed to be on the island? You think it's difficult to just passively wink, wink wink tell if he's demurring because he doesn't want to talk about it or if he genuinely doesn't know and he's getting uncomfortable because he doesn't have the answers.

Weren't you supposed to prove yourself helpful on this trip and that's how you were getting that extra jingle jangle? I haven't been promised an exact amount, perhaps double. That's all I was told. No, it wasn't double. I said, perhaps if you helped us out, you were getting 10, you could get 11.

And I suppose the number could increase. I thought it was 20. It was 11. That was the number that I said. I thought I remembered. And he pauses and he flicks his tongue and says, 20. That's creepy. I may speak tongue.

I mean, he's very strongly hinting that if you promise him 20 gold, he'll tell you a little bit more about the tapestry. Look, if you tell me more about the tapestry, how about this deal? I'll give you one gold right now, and you don't even have to wait for it. So make the information good, and you get it now. Roll a persuasion check. I will. Roll a persuasion check.

I will. You know what happened when I make promises that my dice You keep flying too close to the sun, Sarah. Stay away from the sun, Sarah. That's a 10. So, you know,

he says, how about two now? You got a deal. You offer him two gold and he snatches it. He says, those are the people of Davin Glavin. You see, Faka is not the major god of this continent, but he aspires to be, and this is a tapestry of warning. You display this in your home to tell all visitors, submit to my god Faka or meet your doom. Can I ask a follow-up question? Yes. question. Yes.

When you say Farkas trying to usurp, whom is to be usurped? Which god is the god of this island? There are many gods of this island. Such as? Oh boy. He goes down a list of them for you that I'll pull up if you really want to hear.

Dan, I do want to hear it. Here it comes. Hey Blaine, I'm pulling up gods. What is this god pull up brought to us, Blaine, I'm pulling up God's. What is this God pull-up brought to us by, Blaine, if you'd be so kind? Pulling up God's brought to you by Bjor Toilet Paper Strips. I'll give you a second to think about it.

Bjor Toilet Paper Strips. Dan? Alright. Well, he tells you the three main gods are Benisti, Pakam, strips. Dan? Alright. Well, he tells you the three main gods are Benisti, Pakam, and Borelisis. Would you like to know more about them? Yeah, I don't know who those guys are.

Can you send us a link? Borelisis is the dragon, the good dragon god who keeps watch over things like the people who worship Bahamut, the artifacts of Bahamut,

different draconic lines that may have fallen out of line, whether or not there are evil dragons on the continent that need to be chased out. But generally it is the primary good god of the island, Baralysis. Pakam is a trickster god.

Pakam is a gigantic naked mole rat that is very rotund, appears to people in dreams, lies to them, takes on the appearance of humanoids to trick people to dying, stuff like that.

Look at that. Look at that. Best thing. But Pacum is the God, uh, most known for actually visiting Dave and Glavin for actually making appearances. Uh,

often like George Clooney in Italy, most often as a humanoid, but, but, but has been seen as a giant naked mole rat, just sort of cleaning itself in waterfalls and stuff like that gross living next door to steven seagal love it and bonesty is the goddess of nature is an elven goddess such he doesn't know much else about her all right okay can i check

can i do a history check that i might know something about her absolutely as a as a well i'm not an elf so actually jelf you should you're a forest you're a forest gnome forest gnome so i thought that she is nature i would uh i would let you um i would i would that's perfect way to set it up i would let you roll advantage on a nature check, Sarah, and or I will let Blaine Jelf roll us a history check with advantage. Blaine, why don't we both do it, right?

Sure. Why not? Why not? Indeed. Because I rolled a one. Roll twice. Five. Fourteen. Five. Fourteen. Eight. Not great, but

we did get a 15 from nature from Iva Paperbark. Better than a one. Let's see. You have heard stories about this elven goddess known as bonnets the iva um you've heard of her spending some time in weston clodenheim bonko all the continents around here but specifically you've heard she spends a lot of time sort of trying to stop the various jungles and forests

of Dave and Glavin from falling into evil domain. And she helped create a very strange magical grove that is not too far from here, that is northeast of

Blingbottom. Parking is terrible. Bling Bottom. Parking is terrible. Bling Bottom. Okay. Talk about mudflaps. Mudflaps. Mudflaps. Mudflaps.

Mudflaps. Mudflaps. Mudflaps. Mudflaps. Mudflaps. How could I be Behind Behind They're all playing basses

There's finally some music that we all can agree on Oh my god We've all bonded on Big Bottom you guys Literally it's like the only time I think that we've all like cheerfully... Everyone knows the song. We all like this. Finally. I wouldn't buy this

scene in a script. You can't get six people that would know Spinal Tap. Nah, they wouldn't all be singing along to a B-side. No, just don't hinge. Alright, so we get that much out of it. The basic bottom line is, Sarah, for that

bonus D-roll is, if you go to the woods a little bit northeast of Blingbottom, she has a special domain there. No Ted. Verge would now suggest that you press on east through the tunnels. He would! And on that note uh he's got two of his

10 or possibly 11 gold pieces he's definitely thinking about it you can see it in his weird creepy ass face um who's taking the tapestry is anyone uh gonna pocket that or you guys just think it's creepy as fuck i'll'll hang on to it. Okay. It's definitely worth some money. I mean, it's like, this looks like an original painting that someone would buy. Like I said, I bought one at a gas station the other day. It's not that big a deal. You turn it into a bandana. I saw them out

of a B-A-N-D-A-N-A-S. This shit is bandanas or a brooch. Does the thing itself feel like it could be magical? Which thing? You have several things. The tapestry. Sorry, the tapestry.

Check, Nathan. They sent me away. Asked me, could it be magical? Only ten. It's too hard to tell without casting identifier. It's a detect magic type spell. Perhaps we can get to somewhere where we can sit down for a minute and

go through these things. Speaking of sitting down or resting, you guys are not that tired. You did rest up before this little jaunt and not that much time went by in there. Only a couple hours I would say. Tops. But two points of order.

Are you going to try to ditch noodles and we should check on rations um right first of all no i wouldn't even ask and then i still have some luna bars left i would like to have some ditch noodles for dinner nathan is suggesting setting noodles free oh well we can just ask him does he want to be free he if he was a pet i just assumed we bring him to bling bottom and get him adopted out or whatever but maybe he wants to be he's definitely noodles do you want to be free he's like he's he's just sort of looking at you needily so i like i i like send like mental thoughts of like open spaces and him running alone like either through the tunnels or through a forest like definitely like some curious looks but like no real concept of like what forests are or open spaces.

So he just kind of like shakes his head and kind of like, um, you do get the impression from this little interaction that he is native to the lava caves. Um, but also, but also when, when talking of freedom,

he just sort of crawls off of Nathan's shoulder and tries to crawl back up on yours. He was just sort of like, uh, I actually, I tries to crawl back up on yours. He's just sort of like a... Actually, I have speak with animals. Can I just cast that? It's a thing I have because I'm a rabbit folk. Yes. Just so we can get a direct conversation

with him, can I cast that? And just sort of say like, what would you like? Would you like to come with us? Do you need to safe harbor to somewhere else? What's your deal, man? I want to fight with you! Oh, no.

He wants to fight with us? I say that to the group. I want to be with you fighting! Whoa! Noodles. Good God. We don't hear that right what is Danny here

I heard it what is he saying he wants to fight with us ask him what exactly happened ask him what happened to his previous buddy who were you traveling with before

he tells you in a voice that i would be afraid of sustaining without first practicing a little bit doing some vocal warm-ups um his previous owner owner was a dwarf um they didn't really speak out loud much so he show me the dwarf facts he uh he never really learned a lot about the dwarf except that the dwarf's name was juggles and uh geology and yet uh juggles was a native dwarf to uh dave and glaven uh tried to go out on a fishing boat the The fishing boat broke down. Juggles went exploring in the tunnels. Juggles was separated

and Noodles doesn't know what happened after they were separated. So perhaps that ring came from Noodles' house? I'm sorry, did we take a backpack off of him? Or am I misremembering that? There's like

kind of like a sack. Yeah, it was like a pouch. But we went through it already? I'm sorry. I think this was too... We did, okay. A bit empty. Let me show Noodles the ring. Noodles just kind of looks at it and goes

70! It doesn't seem to recognize it is it yeah just for my own such a reaction for now while we'll be talking noodles seems very reactive from time i like like i don't recognize it yeah Yeah. Nathan, you were saying? Nope. I'm just getting a feel for noodles. All right. Well, let's get this show on the road.

Yeah. What kind of rations do you guys have left? I have some Neapolitan ice cream with the strawberry left. I mean, it's only been what's been two days, three days. Two days. And then you're on your third day now. So. Yeah. I still have uh nine left nine days worth for to spread across all of you no i don't think i was carrying other people everyone has their own okay how's everybody else doing i wasn't tracking other people's yeah everyone nervously looks at their characters i'm assuming i was with that i

was uh i'm with whatever is uh sarah's average she's actually has extra rations so sarah actually has much more than the rest of you i had 10 so i hadn't marked one yet so but uh i'll mark two yeah i also brought some toffee from little john's i I can't get enough. We should get some cheesy popcorn. Some zebra popcornopolis? Little John's is fucked. Yeah, totally. I can't find rations on this. Speaking of the Grove. Well, it sounds like you guys

because, Sarah, you got extra on the boat, right? I'm sorry. I cannot. I believe everyone had them. I knew I had them yeah and i knew i had initially i did not have them because i do have some interesting things in my pack that are not ration so i did get some yeah i don't know that i had extra though i think other people started with rations so jelf should be able to check the thing is you should you you either tried to start

with rations or you have none because you guys were broke when you started and you were going to be served food on the boat but you didn't stick around on the boat for that long. I remember seeing that we had like basic rations someplace. They come in all the basic adventure packs that we would have probably Yeah, the kit that I opened up has

had 10 days. We'll say you're all down to 7 but Sarah, I have a paper bark has a little more because she went rifling around in the ship while you guys were up on the deck taking pot shots at the giant sea turtle. You're down to 7, and that's not nothing, but you're definitely

depleted a little bit, and you're going to keep heading through these tunnels. You go for the rest of the full day. You definitely eat up that third day's worth of rations. And Verge says, we're almost there. Almost there. We're going to eat Verge, by the way.

I'm just giving you a heads up. Noodles sound more delicious. Yeah. Oh, virgin noodles. When you say that joke, noodles goes, Oh, good. You hear me do my offspring riff I never know what noodles is thinking yeah did he

have a hannah was he uh and a hannah barbaric characters like he was in wacky races yeah yeah here's the new shmoo it's the new shmoo shmoo jokes in three years coming right at you the incredible new shmoo. It's the new schmoo. Schmoo jokes in three years. Coming right at you.

The incredible new schmoo. What's creepy about schmoo is you guys always start singing the song when we used to have the schmoo-like character and I had never heard it. But to hear you say that word with such... I looked up photos on Google Image Search, but no,

I didn't like it. It was just like a big blob. It was a white blob that was cute. It was the Herculoids. Very similar. At any rate, you're nearly at the end and Verge

tells you you're only 15 minutes from the beach. We're truly almost there. You better be or we're going to gonna eat you you reach this sort of largest chamber and verge says oh this is new curious curious

this was just a narrow path before but this is kind of expansive and he kind of like notes a couple of pillars and the, it's at the end of this chamber. And he's like, I mean, he's like,

okay, there is clearly some kind of stone door that he tells you he's never seen before. The stone door has very strange, but very rough cut glyph in it. And it's got moss growing on it. It's very different texture than the lava rock. It's like kind of brownish rock with like green kind of moss on it it's very different texture than the lava rock it's like kind of brownish rock

with like green kind of moss on it and it's got a strange kind of almost a honeycomb pattern glyphish thing but it's a very weird it looks like hand-drawn but old can i recognize anything about it with my dwarvy histories oh the stone You have that stone thing where you get like extra ESW proficiency. Yeah, can we do Arcana checks on this thing? Everyone's asking for something different, so this is going to be a little tricky. I'm going to have

anyone who wants to roll an Arcana check can. Anyone who wants to roll a history check can. And specifically, Nathan, if you want to roll an insight check to see if Verge is lying, you can. Thank you. Please explain what you're rolling before you announce

a number for me and the listener and your teammates. I'm looking for my stone knowledge or whatever that is. I have a proficiency in Arcana plus five and I rolled a one. My second one of the night is catching up with me. Ouch.

You don't learn anything magical about this door, unfortunately. Danny doesn't have many points. Yeah, and he also rolled low. Can I do an investigation check from the door? Sure. Tootie, what did investigation check, Medora? Sure. Tootie, what did you roll, if anything? Did you do a history stonework thing? I'm trying to find it in here to see what I need to roll.

I thought it was history. Yeah, but I think stone cunning. Or maybe make an intelligence history check related to the origin of stonework. You were considered proficient. Yeah, okay. Double history. Or two make an intelligence history check related to the origin of Stalwart. You're considered proficient. Yeah, okay. Double history. Or two history. Okay. Yeah, you add your proficiency bonus to it.

Not with advantage. Oh, sorry. Ditching that rule. Just your proficiency bonus. Yes. Nine plus. Listeners in previous seasons, I would let people roll advantage when they have proficiency. We're not doing that anymore because there's a house rule that confused listeners. Twelve.

Hmm. I will say, you kind of look up at it and you go, what the shit? I'm not sure this is stone. Oh. Is it mud? hey, Nathan, did you roll insight with Verge? I did, 13. I feel like he's telling the truth.

Oh, I had double my proficiency. Sorry. So all this changed, when was the last time you were here? Could be three weeks ago, could be a month ago. Is this some sort of hive? What do you mean? Well, it's a

design. You don't see any honeycomb things. It does look like something maybe recently burrowed around in here. Noodles, do you recognize this? Oh, yeah! noodles do you recognize this oh no

that's a definite yes yes that's yes holy shit okay wow this smells familiar Holy shit. Okay. Wow. Doodle says, It smells familiar!

Okay. It smells familiar. We don't go to these places! Is it mud? Is it clay? It's a door, but it's covered in a mossy thing, but it might not be made of stone. Is that what we're saying?

And I wrote too long investigation to matter. Okay. Um, you'd have to touch it or examine it further to really, is it, should we cautiously move in to the room? Is there anyone who's very sneaky to the, to the doorish thing?

Is the door inside this room? So there's like what looks like it should be the exit to this chamber to the east where you're told like 15 minutes away is the beach. And where the lava rock kind of stops, you almost think you see sand

like kind of coming out of this doorway. It almost looks like a cork just in the doorway. Like a stone cork. in the door like like like a stone oh we're gonna get flooded walk walk um you don't you know you don't see an unusual amount of dampness or anything but like it is like a brownish stone as opposed to a blackish charcoal like stone yeah what about the ceiling? What's up top?

Is it like a high cavernous ceiling? Yeah. Yeah. It's like 20, 30 feet high. Definitely, if Verge is telling the truth that this has recently been carved out, it would mean that a very large amount of people or things did it, probably. But it's sealed at the top. Verge, what do you think is going on here?

I've never seen something like this. I had him roll for it. sealed at the top. Verge, what do you think is going on here? I've never seen something like this. I had him roll for it. I don't know. One of you should try to open the door. I don't think that's a good idea. You could have the mage hand do it. This is the only way I know to go. I feel like there's water behind it and it's going to flood us.

Is there moisture around the seal? Why don't we go and investigate? We don't have to open it yet. I did one investigation check and I failed, but I assume I can just do another.

Can Danny check it out? Yeah, what was your investigation check it was like an 11 right mine was an eight i also have a bonus action that allows me to do another investigation right i mean for details you can you can look for details well tell describe for me what you're trying to do with this investigation check i should say i guess um yeah i guess to see whether it feels like there might be like is this a feel like it's holding back water okay so i'll still give this to you with the eight actually so all narrative that stuff happened but then iva goes to really kind of try to figure it out after 2d points out though that it doesn't really even seem like stone.

And when you press your hand on it to try to feel the weight of it, it feels kind of leathery. Gross. Yeah. Like it's a creature. I tickle it. Oh no. Like a little digga digga with your fingers?

Yeah. So there's, for a moment, nothing happens. Oh no. And then the door kind of like twitches the whole as if it's flesh. It flinches

and then it vanishes. Whoa. and you see the path up to the beach and the path is underwater or so there was a creature blocking the door is what it seems like do an insight check

yeah what was it yeah Sarah specifically because she was making physical contact with it do an insight check. Yeah, what was it? Sarah specifically because she was making physical contact with it. Do an insight check. That is a 21. Yeah, it feels like something organic was blocking this pathway. And you don't know what happened to it, though. Super weird. What body part do I think I just tickled?

With a 21? what'd you take it with a 21 we'll be right after the like almost the main part of something like it's it was so weirdly shaped you're not sure like you sure. You look down the path a little bit and you're like, what could it have been? Like a stomach of something? It's hard to place, but you're definitely like, this was like the main body of a physical... You get a really weird vibe. All right.

Is it the fat snake? Well, you know what? Nathan, can you still turn someone invisible or is that only once? Oh, it's a spell, I suppose. Love him. Yes,

we could do it again. What do we need to make invisible? Maybe you could make Donnie invisible and he could sneak out there to see if he can see if that creature is still there. Is it like waiting for us to emerge from the hole?

Did it turn invisible as well? Is that what happened? I thought it ran away from the door. No, the door itself just seemed to blink out of existence. Oh. Okay. I think maybe what we need is a lure.

Yeah, we could send on here, but that thing is probably invisible too. We need... It's too bad we can't send somebody out covered in meat or something. I'm just trying to use my...

My mind's eye is broken. Is it an open path to get outside right now? apparently to us is that what it looks like? it does appear to be an open path outside in fact really quick I will pull up a map for you this map brought to you by Oreos Clamato stuff

Clamato stuff Oreos Clamato stuff alright well Clamato Stuff Oreos Clamato Stuff Alright well If you're all looking at roll 20 There's nothing to wait for That is the map To the east is the beach You smell salty air blowing down

The smell of This is still in the cavern though? Yeah And where was the thing Sarah touched? The sort of east little doorway There's an implied thing there. Oh, this. Sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry.

Could I try to use my like, well, I mean, I could send Agatha out flying. So, you know, that would be one option here. I was going to say, can I just try to send a message? Just pray a little bit to. To. The Nasty. Bonesty. message just pray a little bit to uh to uh the niesti but bonesty yeah you can pray to but not bonesty uh just to say like you know honestly my least favorite kiss record oh we look forward to you know we're looking forward to visiting the lush gardens of your aisle and uh should we, you know, what's going

on, should we be worried about You guys are so cautious after. Or the bush gardens if they even have a bush garden. Alright, do a religion check please. I pulled one of my nose hairs out of the bush garden. Sorry. Eleven. More of my nose hairs out of the bush uh 11 sort of a nose gardens sort of feel like a warm feeling that's about it

all right um yeah let's just let's just act here if someone either i think should sneak try to sneak through this area invisible, or we send... It looks like we can just get out, right? Yeah, it looks like the tunnel maybe curves to the side and up a little bit. How about this? Is there dirt on the ground? Sand? You said there was sand. Just tiny bits of sand, yeah, just something you

noticed. I'm going to throw some sand against that exit. Pick up a little handful of it and throw it. Just kind of lands on the ground on the other side. Doesn't look like it hit anything invisible. Can you make Agatha invisible and she can fly out there?

Certainly. Or we could do Danny. I keep saying Donnie, but Danny, yes. Danny, go. I pull out my magic wand. And he disappears. You're. Danny, go. I pull out my magic wand. Abracadabra. And he disappears.

You're now invisible, Danny. All right. Am I going this lower way, Dan? Well, if you look at the map, it's the one to the right. Oh. There's the beach. How do I get into there? It's open.

Just tell me you're walking. Okay, I'm walking in. Walk through. Smell more of the air. You feel like a little bit of a wind on you. Oh, okay. I stealthily keep walking. Okay.

Alright. So what are the rest of you guys going to do? You're going to wait. You wait. We're going to wait for him to report. Watch. Wait. Danny, how long are you going to stealthily keep walking? You know, check the tunnel.

See if I see light. See if I, you know, see turns or anything like that. Yeah, I mean, it keeps turning. At one point, you do think you see some light filtering. I'm trying to describe this specifically for Brian. So, Brian, you go down the tunnel more. There's more and more sand mixed with the lava rock. And you finally come out the other end.

There's a beach. You see jungle, lush forests. You hear waves crashing. the lava rock cave kind of like comes up there's a lot of lava rock kind of coming up out of the beach and like rocky formations you can see the volcano to the west and on the ground bones just skeletons of humanoids everywhere just dozens of dead humanoids bleach white also i'm gonna check really quick does it give danny the chills does he what oh you don't feel great at all this is definitely like uh oh my god oh oh oh no what is that movie blaine where he's on the beach and he just says, oh, God. The Ryan O'Neill.

It's that Ryan O'Neill thing. Oh, God. Oh, no. Oh, God. Oh, God. Oh, no. Oh, God. It is that clip.

Oh, God. Oh, no. Oh, no. Oh, God. What is that? You pull Ryan O'Neill for a minute. Do you head back then, Danny? Yeah.

Oh, God. Oh, no. I believe it. It's not Fever Pitch, is it? Oh, God. Oh, no. It's not fever pitch, is it? Oh, God, oh, no. I believe it is invisibility that it lasts an hour. Correct, Nathan?

Yes. You head back and then I would assume come out the doorway and tell everybody you saw this? Tough guys don't dance. Brian? Yeah. I would tell them immediately. Oh? Tough guys don't dance. Brian? Yeah. I would tell them immediately.

Oh, God. Oh, man. How many... Do I have any idea how many dead bodies I saw or skeletons I saw? Yeah. It was like between 30 and 100.

That's a bunch. That's a grip. How would you describe it? You're still invisible unless you want to become visible Yeah, become visible Okay You do become visible

It doesn't seem recent, but There were a lot of dead bodies When I finally came out And it's about 15 minutes away When I emerged All I saw were skeletons And Can I look around the ground right here 15 minutes away when I emerged, all I saw were skeletons. Can I look around the ground right here where we are,

sort of in the mouth of this tunnel? In theory, right where this thing was sleeping? Do an investigation check. Oh, yeah, that's the other thing. Would Danny know? Would he know that maybe the skeletons were eaten by Rancor? Oh, well, no, that's the other thing. Would Danny know, like, would he know that, like, maybe the skeletons were eaten by Rancor? Oh, well, no, that's a different game. But, I mean, but, like, it was some kind of animal.

I know Chris Tallman's a great GM. If you're missing those bonus episodes, I hear there's Rancor as a foot. Yeah, right. But would he have any sort of sense of cannibals doing it? Again, we're sort of jumping on Chris's role. So if Danny wants to do a nature role, you can do that, Brian. No, no, you can also

do that. I'm just telling you, like, we're stacking this. So, Brian, please do your nature role. Stack it. And Chris, do an investigation check and tell me how you want to investigate, please. I was thinking I was sort of like looking around the ground. I got a seven So pretty hot Pretty hot roll

Okay Noted I'm going to tell you something in a second Nathan Go ahead Nathan's not out there No Nathan's going right up to the mouth And feeling around for stuff He'll explain He's like That's the kill zone for a creature No, Nathan's going right up to the mouth and feeling around for stuff.

He'll explain. He's like, that's the kill zone for a creature out there. I'm sorry. I'm still waiting for Brian to give me a number. I just think I'm trying to figure out where people are. This is the hardest time I've ever had describing a physical space on this podcast and I have no idea why.

So I'm really sorry. 14 plus one. Okay, 14 plus one okay 14 plus one uh yeah you feel like this is definitely a predator's lair um it definitely disappeared uh no you you encountered it and it disappeared um and so you're not nobody went back outside uh what happened was you're in this large chamber. There was a cork-like stone door. You touched it and it blinked out of existence. Danny walked through invisible

and went all the way for 15 minutes, found the beach, came back invisible still, reappeared in the room and told everybody what he saw. And now he's lamenting it with a nature check while nathan feels around in the sand and lava rock okay so let's just get out of here even though let's get out here to bone beach right and uh really can we get out of here and maybe like hide in one of these well i'm definitely tired of yeah i'm tired of i'm i'm gonna go ahead and use my uh well uh my feature called never tell me the odds dan uh-huh where uh when we're deciding what the best plan should be guess what i can get a solid sense of what choice is the best one and what opportunities seem too good to be true at the DM's determination.

Ooh. I don't know. Okay. I like it. It feels like something is waiting for you to cross this threshold while visible. Yeah. Okay, helpful. So we should go the other way.

And on that note? On that note, time to take a week to think about it. Hey, Sam, what do you think happened under poker today? Hi, everybody. This week,

we possibly met Faka, the chubby snake in a crown. I am trembling watching Sarah trying to explain to needles that he might be able to go free. Considering last time she explained to Gus, he reminded her that he doesn't have brain damage and she vowed to never help anyone be free again um i would like a nerd poker kitchen apron that says what body part did i just touch and we found we found 30 to 100 skeletons which knowing this new group of polite characters will probably spend an episode giving them proper burials.

The end. I didn't think of that. Danny did. Oh, boy. He hopes all their souls get to meet their makers. He's concerned. So that was fun, man. Thanks.

Anything anybody wants to plug? Same old stuff. speakers who's concerned. So, uh, that was fun, man. Thanks. Uh, anything, anybody wants to plug same old stuff. We'll get up. Same old stuff, everybody. Um, uh,

by this time, definitely my new music sucks video will be out. Uh, just shot the last couple of things. I had a weird, weird al do a guest part and uh pat and osweird is in it and uh a couple of members of fallout boy my pals felt fallout boy uh joe and also the singer patrick but uh uh it's it came out really funny. It's fucking nuts and just full of references and weird out. And then I just did a Van Halen special.

It'll be, you know, it'll already be up, but if you want to check it out on Gimme Metal, I interviewed my buddies Alex Skolnick, guitar player for Testament, and also he did a solo in my band Posein, but a great player. And then I also talked to Scott Ian and Brendan Small about what Edward Van Halen meant to us, and he meant a lot to us. And I'm not a guitar player, but I looked at that guy like he was a cool uncle that played guitar and smoked cigarettes and smiled all the time. And and I fucking miss him. And it's brutal that I lost Neil Peart and Edward Van Halen in the same year like this year can fuck right off.

But for a lot of reasons. But those those are two good ones. And so check that out. Uh, my tribute to, uh, Edward Van Halen, uh,

it's called episode 5150, uh, out of, uh, our numerical order. It's its own, it's its own thing, but,

uh, thanks for listening. Oh, Blaine, uh, what's going on with you and Keechland? Oh, uh,

me and Stacy Keech are doing a, uh, live a live table read of Hey Anal Arnold for Pornhub. Check it out. Were you guys doing that last week? I think you did that last week. Oh, we did? That's a lot of... It's volume two. Okay.

A lot of stamina. Wow. Yeah, stamina. Go easy on it. The tissue back there is very sensitive. Oh, no. Go easy on it. The tissue back there is very sensitive. Oh, it's so specific. Ugh. Thanks for taking this.

Thanks for making it too real, Dan. I need a break, Fishers. I'm going to drink a bunch of bleach. Thanks for listening. Thanks for listening to another episode of Nerd Poker. You can follow us at patreon.com slash nerdpoker, and you get bonus episodes from there. And you can also send us anything at P.O. Box 16069, Encino, California, 91416.

Thanks for listening.