Nerd Poker - S4E70 Timeline Soup

Episode Date: January 11, 2022

Some serious portal shenanigans are afoot. Will the Castaway Cuties manage to not screw up the multiverse? We think you know the answer.

Hey everybody, I'm Brian Poussin, Comedian, writer, actor, nerd. I've been playing D&D with my friends for a long time. I decided to do a new podcast where we play Dungeons & Dragons in my very own dining room. With my wife, kid, and my noisy dogs. So meet my friends... Sarah Kev Dan

Blay Chris Now it's time for another episode of Brian Pussain's Nerd Poker. Season 4. Hey, everybody. I'm Brian Pussain, and you're listening to Brian Pussain's Nerd Poker, Episode 70. The big one we got under our belt last week,

and I barely made any 69 jokes. There you go. That's the new me. I'm trying to... Oh, that was intentional? Zig when you think I'm going to zag. Oh, I see. Yeah, I'm contrarian to the end.

My friends are here. Look at them. That was Dan. It's me. buddy hi buddy i'm all right how are you i'm good what about blaine let's ask him hey what about blaine let's ask him uh sarah's here hello sarah hello brian uh and uh below in a Iron Mando shirt. It's Ken Daly. Hello, Ken. What are you looking to fight? Chris is here.

Hey, I think we should make episode 70 the really dirty one. Yeah, let's do it. Wieners and balls, guys. All right. Tell Sam to stand by. There he is. Sam, everybody. Hello, sweet children. How are you, my sweet children how are you my friend i'm very good

i'm very good how's ramen good he's uh all snuggled right there it's a very cozy household today what a noodle look at him uh dan you want to thank some people and jump in brian i'm gonna i'm gonna jump right in and they're gonna get thanked i really love you everyone listening but guess what if you can support us on patreon you are the reason the lights are on and we are continuing with this ridiculous nerdy fiasco i'm gonna go ahead and shout out the folks who are at the star goyle and hay boss tears they go by names like michael downing michael thank you thank you uh i'm also going to thank flat dick skin Bag. Thank you, Flat Dick Skin Bag. Episode 7. Thank you.

Brian's got his camera right off at the moment, and I've enjoyed how he audibly went, oh, like after I said Flat Dick Skin Bag. Thank you, Mike Baum, who got turned on to Nerd Poker by Matt DeMarco, that guy Dan knows from Chicago Improv. Thanks, Mike Baum. Thanks.

Thank you, Blaine's Gains and Autumnal Meals. Sure. Thank you, Salmon Ramen's Salmon Ramen and Topless Gym. Woo! Thank you. Happy 5th anniversary, Moala from Snake. Oh, congrats. Good work, Snake.

Thank you, Totus Emptor. Thanks, Totus. Thank you, T Baggins. Uh-oh. Uh-oh. I see what you did there. Thank you, Kilt Bill. Thank you, Ryan Williams.

thank you ryan williams thank you ms whoopsie doodle hennyway of danky land thank you bock lobster that was probably for you blaine thank you the electric bear thank you cavorting canuck thank Thank you, Manny Bothans. Thank you, Brandon Blackburn. Manny Bothans. Thank you, Prop Meat. Thank you. Thank you. For the love of God, please take a long rest.

Wow. Yeah. I wonder which episode they just listened to. Yeah, we did. Thank you, Insane Posanes Used Porno Clones. Cheap! Transmetropolitan joke. Right?

Yeah, that's from Transmet in the early days. Oh, Warren Ellis, I was just watching Castlevania. Thank you, Murray, aka Stacy X's All-Purpose Robot Plaything, aka TikTok, the Mechanical Man v4.2069. Okay.

Thank you. Scargo's The Inevitable or The Billy of La Mancha. Thank you. I like how people are just like, you know what? For my username, I'm going to do a full five-minute open mic set.

We're just going to give you 17 jokes. I'm going to have enough stage time one day brian's gonna ask me to open for him because i'll have done the whole set here half of these episodes are not us playing dj but just so dicking around yes thank you well i mean this this show is how i auditioned for brian to continue to open for him. Thank you. What else is in the news? Thank you, Drath Silverwing. Thank you, Keith Rasmussen. Thank you, The Great Blumpkin Scandal 69. So many 69 jokes. I wish I had fit

in last episode. Thank you, Made Your La- No, oh my god. This is no spaces in this. It's always fun. Made You Read My Band's, Reverend Pokey Bunch. Thank you. Okay, sure. Thank you Steinmetz Pianos, requires attunement.

And thank you Bryce Spider Lisser. Thank you Bryce Spider Lisser. Hey Blaine, who were those Patreon supporters actually like, know like business wise brought to us by they was brought to us by asterine butt wash makes your asshole smell like it ate some mints or something winter brown reament hemament arctic cucumber dingleberry anal cinnamon get it up there Yeah, Asterene butt wash. Asterene does an asshole proud. Makes your butt smell like you ate something nice for lunch.

Hey, Dan. Thanks, Blaine. Gee whiz, that sure gave me a tingling feeling and not where you think it did. Wish you could have seen Chris's face all the highs and lows. I know. It's Asterene. did. Wish you could have seen Chris's face, all the highs and lows. I know. It's like watching someone during a plane crash. It's Asterine.

Asterine. So it implies the existence of a liss somewhere that is being freshened. Yeah, your mouth is known as a liss. Is your liss? Come on, Sarah, we all know this. A mouth is a liss. Greek for mouth is liss. Sarah. Yeah. If you expect at this point Blaine's jokes to have any sort of logic,

you're on the wrong fucking show. No, no, no. The thing about Blaine's jokes is sometimes they do have a very complex and tightly wound logic that I love to unravel because it's fun. It's like a puzzle. I was surprised to see that the guy that did the

announcement was the same guy that did Delray's Manscaping ads. He works a lot. Yeah, I think they know each other in the MCU. John Machida of D&D. I saw him once at

Hampton's, the old burger place. John Machida? No, that guy. Hamptons only appears once every thousand years when the fountain comes up from the spring. How are the burgers? I've never had them.

No, I'm kidding. They were good. That's why I learned the term surface meat. We always hit with this writer from MADtv named Spencer. It was very, very funny. But he would always get rare hamburgers. And everybody would go, you got to cook it. It's surface meat.

It's all surface meat. You've got to cook it well. You can't eat rare hamburger. Oh, no, I like it like this. And then he would get sick. Oh. Yeah, it was great. Anyway. Glad I managed to

hit a drag shoot with my Hampton story with the surface meat tag. It's alright, Blaine. Some of your jokes kill and don't kill at the same time. It's called a Schrodinger's Kepatch. Yeah, simultaneously killing and bombing at the same time. Thank God a schrodinger's kapach yeah simultaneously killing and bombing at the same time thank god my parents are here all right so i guess it's time for us to talk about what

happened last time i don't poke our my throat is kind of scratchy so i'm gonna not do the the voice but folks as a gift to myself i've i've purchased i'm signed up for a voiceover class i'm gonna learn breath support i'm gonna learn voices with like technique you're gonna you're gonna love me in february folks anyway the castaway cuties you guys made it into the mayor's office and killed a brand new shitty vampire well not really he's still kind of writhing around on the floor with black goose coming out of his collarbone, but you've also got, uh,

this, this spirit trying to pitch one option to you. And, uh, we'll get more into that in a second. But, uh, right now,

2d, you rolled a 10 to try to finally... 11. 11 to finally attune to Bahamut's Hammer. I am going to go ahead and give you advantage on this. And I'll let you roll one more time because you are doing this through Iva and a wizard. I feel like this isn't just about you cashing in. This is about the combined efforts of everyone so please roll one more didn't he halfway do it already yeah he's halfway

attuned already all he needs is one success so there's one more thing you can do if this doesn't work uh but it will negatively affect your communing with balthazar the the tabaxi wizard you're talking to right now i had a world of 14 this time yeah um so you are one off so what's going to happen is balthazar is reaching through the spirit plane trying to connect through his cutlass to va and Iva, you're holding his hand. He cries out in only you can hear this, Nathan. He says, I can open the portal,

but I have to use the last of my energy to open it, use it. Whether or not you do, it does not matter. Just remember, take things from the room. And, and he just sort of blacks out.

Judy, you get thrown back from the cutlass and... I was going to say, can I use a lucky or a three? What does lucky do? Oh yeah, you could have used it. Let me roll again.

Oh yeah! Roll a luck point. As I make a rewind noise noise that's what that was like funny games okay that's not gonna do it i have three you roll yeah you're yeah oh it's over the rip again dan did you learn that from your voice oh my god 22 finally classes don't start for another two weeks um you don't need them. You're doing great. Yes, you suddenly feel empowered through the magical connection. And without any disastrous outcome or 3D 6 plus 4 damage that I was about to unleash as you're whipped against the wall by an explosion,

explosion you um feel something on your back start to lift you up and all of you see tootie uh rise three feet off the ground as bahamut's hammer strapped to his back uh begins to hover for a moment and glow with this holy white and blue light and then it lowers him back to the ground um check that shit out nice it just gave you a wedgie i like it it's a magical wedgie it was very much a magical wedgie so uh yeah this now has the ability uh you're going to have to you know um use a it as a regular hammer I'm sure sometimes but it's going to have the ability to smash phylacteries in general so whatever reason if 2D encounters any phylacteries if they've

got any protections on them you can break through the enchantment and crush a dollar store is full of them however you also get some knowledge and some statistics for your hammer so the knowledge you gain is of phylacteries you suddenly see this sort of history of bahamut getting in touch with worshippers and trying to show them this on his own and he was unable to really impart the knowledge on a mass scale because it's so complicated to create this magic so he imbued

it all in this hammer so one day somebody could wield it and use it to destroy the liches the evil horrible liches and their place of storing their essence and you realize okay i now feel like if i am within one mile of phylactery i can roll an arcana check dc 15 and if i succeed i can locate within a 30 square foot radius where the phylactery is and get a sense and i can you know sort of get a sense okay there's a phylactery within a mile and which direction it is and stuff like that about how far away it is a what role of 15 an arcana role of 15 um and you can do that once a day so once a day you can use it as a sort of phylactery radar um otherwise it is a warhammer um it is a plus one Warhammer, so it is a magical weapon.

That means if something has a resistance, you can plow right through the resistance. Also, if something is going to require a magical attack, you get the magical attack. It is bludgeoning damage.

And it is 2d8 plus 2 all right for 2d weird right oh man you also have you have the ability to um once a day, bless someone. The blessing lasts about an hour, and it only has one effect. It allows them to also carry Bahamut's hammer without any negative consequences. For how long?

An hour. An hour. But you can only cast it once a day. Got it. I'm going to cast this on you. I'm going to be back in 59 minutes. Do not move. I don't want you to drop it. Don't go into the bookstore. Don't go into the

arcade. Okay, boss. So Balthazar, now not having depleted all of his power, thanks to your two luck points, says with a more clear head with much less panic yes if you wish i can open these portals but it is with the three caveats i mentioned before you'll only have 15 minutes you could be stuck there forever if you don't go back through

the portal within those 15 minutes and you can't really do much talking to other people or you will perhaps alter the timelines too much i think we're just going there to murder the mayor right yeah we don't need to well to murder panzuzu well potato potato but i can take you to again it will be within like an hour or so of of the events of him being killed and Pazuzu because you should see Pazuzu within a few minutes of seeing the

mayor you should go through the portal and immediately find the mayor who should be in this office probably will be right here in this office when you step through the portal right uh probably this this dude that we've let here our entire plan and everything we should probably go ahead

and just kill him question mark yes so Purvis is still wiggling on the floor should I keep going with the sword thing Purvis Jenkins so right i mean because otherwise as soon as if i will let you straight up i will let you straight up execute him if you want to i mean he's he's down to five hit points he's held i'm gonna lock the um lock the door to the office

uh and then oh wait jeremy is gonna come back upstairs though pretty soon probably also um danny brian uh you you did notice there is what appears to be a powerful magical bow and arrow hanging on the wall behind the mayor's desk how do i know it's powerful it looks ornate it is heavy when you hold it and you know it's an arcane archer yeah i would say jelf you once it's pointed out to you are also like oh shit get a good vibe okay and i'll take also take the ceramic dalmatian and the rest on gift certificate was he gonna take it okay so if we're gonna go go through a time portal... What was your question, Brian? He wants it.

Delph took it. I'll take it if nobody else wants it. Okay. I can put it to good use. The bone error. Sarah, you were saying? If we're going to go through a time portal for 15 minutes... Hey, Nathan, is the 15 minutes 15 minutes on both

sides of this? Is there any time skew? Like, if we go through the portal, will we return and return in 14 minutes and 59 seconds? Will that be also 14 minutes 59 seconds on this side? Who are you asking? The Balthazar? I'm asking Nathan to ask

Balthazar if I can't talk directly to him. Yes. He tells you Nathan. Okay. So yes, we will return. So we shall return in 15 minutes. Much to

Jeremy's surprise. Yeah, well, that's what I'm wondering, because Jeremy's coming back upstairs, so we should probably wait until Jeremy comes back upstairs, and then... Hello? So, we're going to murder Jeremy now how about I okay I'm going to do an illusion I'm going to do a sound illusion again

that's like of the mayor and just say Jeremy give me an hour with these people and then bring me some tea don't have anything around your neck. Okay.

Also, you're executing Purvis, correct? Just to be clear. I'm not, but somebody here would definitely say they wanted to. I think Jelf wanted to execute, right? Jelf loves to execute. Well, he's a vampire. He's like a creepy vampire, right? Yeah, Do it. Yeah.

Do you want to do one of Jeff's classic rhymes as you execute the vampire? Uh, Hey, uh, you know, uh, being a vampire really sucks. So I wish you the best of lucks.

And I'm going to, uh, just, uh, do the little, uh, fade right with, uh,

up through the bottom of the thing, uh, up head, and then into the heart a couple times. Okay. As you destroy the vampire, it suddenly turns into this translucent mist. Ooh. And it begins to slowly move towards the door. He's not dead. He's going to his coffin. He's not going to make it past Roomba

Tootie um do we know if oh can you as a paladin can you do something turn him or something the mist is starting to like it looks like seep under the door Tootie turn him destroy him I'm looking I'm looking

now we freeze time as TootD goes through his Tome of Spells. Hmm. I don't know if I can do that. I mean, you do remember you straight up hacked the mist for Lord Amalegda

and it killed him. Oh, okay. So I'll do that then. Sweet, roll to attack, 2D. Alright, I'll attack him with my that then. Sweet. Roll to attack, Tootie. All right. I'll attack him with my glaive. All right. How about the hammer? Smash the mist with the hammer.

I'm saving that thing. Special occasions only. So that's a 27. It's a 20. So it's double damage. Natural 20? Hey! Yeah, roll your damage. Natural 20? Hey! Roll your damage.

That is 12 times 2. You obliterate the mist. Goodbye. Bye-bye. And yeah, you are now left with the decision. The door is locked.

Jeremy is going to get some soup or something, at least for a half hour or so. And yeah, you're going to take Balthazar up on his offer to travel back in time 15 years? I guess. Sure. The portal awaits. So you see the form of Balthazar, Nathan, guess. Sure. The portal awaits. So

you see the form of Balthazar Nathan kind of like lift his hands apart and black sparks start shooting out of his hands. All of you with the exception of Nathan see behind the desk this black portal open up and it

seems to stagger backwards like mirrors looking into mirrors and you see what looks like like 18 portals in a row that go about 10 feet deep past the wall that is behind the portal so like you know it's it's a portal and it goes farther than the wall um but it looks like these series of portals that just have to run through them will take you back into the office you think you see after these portals in the distance a sort of mirror reflection of the mayor's office which you assume is 15 years ago one moment please i would like to do something that we did not do before which is i'd like to do an insight check on this offer this

plan this idea sure because i have a also not only can i do an insight check but i also have a also, not only can I do an insight check, but I also have a special ability where is it? Where I can see what the best course of action is. Remember that one? A fun one. But also, I guess

just normally do a normal insight check. I would love to hear what this number is. Okay. The number? Mm-hmm. Yes. Is going to be re-rolled after I use a lucky point as well. Oh!

Nice. What was the first roll? Just tell us. First roll was a three. Oh! Second roll was a natural 20 plus five. Oh! Shit.

Frong! a natural 20 plus 5 oh shit frong uh you feel like there are currently two paths for you you can go up to this shed where it sounds like the mayor may already be held

prisoner by that werebat or you can go through this portal but you do feel as the portal opens in front of you i've uh this sense of dread that 15 minutes seems very precarious and it seems like there is this very horrifying possibility that you could not only be stuck in the past but alter the timeline so much you'll disappear from existence i share that insight with the group however you

do let's go to the other place and kill those guys. ...necessarily lying. You think he might be talking to us. Yeah, he doesn't seem like he's lying, but it does seem that this is a... It's very short-cutting. ...higher risk and equal reward, potentially, situation.

Yeah, like, you also think it is not necessarily riskier than the other way. Well, it's riskier... The other way, we're not going to get trapped in time. True. However, things may have progressed much farther and be far worse. Okay, so maybe we just take a vote.

I want to go through Balthazar's portal. That's one for the portal. Any for the shack? Speak now or forever hold your peace it seems a little too easy easy? well yeah

it's just like we're gonna solve all our problems in this one jump everybody do a perception check do we know exactly what we're doing when we go back there so we're not like okay here we are now we have 15 minutes, you guys. We have to kill Panzuzu and then hopefully destroy the

phylactery. Was that an insight check, Dan? Or perception. Oh, perception. Excuse me. Yes. Oh, sorry. 15. 5. I got a 20.

Not natural. Okay. five I got a 20 not natural okay we got a 20 anybody beat a 20 nine all right Nathan you snap back into the real world you realize there's not really much more you can get from Balthazar

and if you're going to use this portal you need to sort of get ready to go through the portal you hear everybody voting uh you sort of cast your vote and then you hear sort of two things um first is you think way through the portal in the distance you hear a voice um and right before the voice you think you hear a door creak so it just sounds like maybe on the other side, someone's coming in the door of these portals. The other thing, you not only hear, you sort of feel, there's this sort of thunderous booming noise

in the distance outside the mayor's building here in the present, where you currently are, and the floor underneath you kind of goes like very lightly. None of the rest of you here. There's Nathan. You do notice it, though. I will share that with the group. There's a booming and a trembling in the floor.

So they probably just maybe they just summoned him here as well. Yeah. So. We going through? Let's do it. Sure. Let's do it. We're going through and killing him. sure let's do it they're killing him yep i'm gonna try butterfly effect or no um you you all go through these portals it's it feels weird your bodies feel like they're speeding up as you go through as if you're being thrown through each successive uh portal and you're all i think at this point very acutely aware as if you're being thrown through each successive portal. And you're all, I think at this point, very acutely aware

that if you're able to simply kill Panzuzu, the mayor will be none worse for wear, and the timeline won't change very much. As far as the mayor's concerned, in the present, he's always been the mayor, he never died. However, by killing Panzuzu, he will be able to live a real life and probably live it exactly the same but perhaps things will be better you head through and as you all land you see behind you you've you've gone from being uh right behind the mayor's desk in the present to right behind

the mayor's desk in the past the office looks very different there is no bow and arrow set on the wall behind the mayor's desk anymore and in fact much of the office looks different it's it's again as if you've stepped a decade and a half into the past there is also what appears to be an assistant who's just opened the door and as you all appear and of course cospia is going with you she would never let you go through this alone nathan um she bravely uh announces rather rather narcissistically ah you'd be lost without me nathan as you all head through. This assistant kind of stares at all of you and goes, Oh, I was going to leave something on the mayor's desk. Can I help you?

We were just looking for the mayor, actually. Oh, the mayor is at a meeting across the street. He has a meeting with us scheduled at this time. Did you double book him? Oh, that's strange. What are your names? Very unprofessional. Very unprofessional.

What are your names? Let me just put it in the ledger and I'll run the ledger over to him across the street. Can I just get your names? Can we come with you so we can have our meeting with him? I suppose My name is Jeremy Oh hello my name is Thargus Well take us on over Thargus

Alright Uh it seems Alright um I just uh I'm gonna need to Now that I think about it, check with a few people. Jeremy, you said, what's the rest of your names? He starts writing all this down. You're all acutely aware

it was suggested to you to talk to as few people as possible. Alter the past as little as possible. We don't have time for this. You seem to have double-booked your boss, and we really need to see him ASAP. I'm going to let sleep spell he's got he's got one

oh you want to sleep spell him he's got he's got one how are we going to get the mayor you don't know where the mayor is that's what I'm saying if we sleep him if you sleep him you will not know where the mayor is right Marcus please I'll let you yes

we're waiting let's go roll a persuasion check to see if you can get targets to take you across the street without pausing and dropping names everywhere throughout the office uh 17 plus 8 25 oh fuck balls wow oh sure sure um and i'll i'll at least take you to the front door and then point out where he is so he opens the door you go back la la land wins the oscar for best picture who wins la la land oh i see

what's happening um if only a different movie won so the the walk through the keep the hold as it were is very strange and that everything looks a little familiar but different it's 15 if only a different movie one. So the walk through the keep, the hold as it were, is very strange in that everything looks a little familiar, but different.

It's 15 years ago. You're all starting to get creeped out. Various people kind of side-eye you. You think you see at least one other administrative person take some notes and you make it to the gates outside, at which point Thargas says, you know what?

I'm going to head back in. So he's in the tavern across the street. He's meeting with the wizard who says he's going to protect him. The wizard was brought over here by this group of monks called the filament of dongle. So if you can just go to the barkeep, tell him you were double booked and you're supposed to meet. It's for the mayor and the filament of dongle meeting.

Just head back there. The mayor was supposed to be back shortly. I'm sure he won't mind. It will help him with his calendar, I'm sure, to have your meeting in the same room. So we head over. Yep. All right. As you start walking across the street, a peasant walks up to you and starts begging for coins.

Ignore, ignore. He says, please, I just, I just, if I could just get one copper piece. I just need one copper, one copper piece. Eyes on the prize, walking, not even looking. Yeah. Moving along. Okay. A animus sports almanac

a guard stumbles out of the bar as you walk up and says you look familiar he points directly at you Nathan and Caspia and says you tell me your names at you, Nathan and Caspia. It says, you. Tell me your names.

Well, I'm going to use my unwavering cuteness on this dipshit. I will twitch my little pink nose and my little whiskers and be like, my name's Jeremy. I'm not sure we've ever met before.

Won't you please stand out of the way so we can meet the mayor? Oh, look at this. Look at this little rabbit. Jeremy the rabbit. Why? I'm going to go tell my whole family about this Jeremy the rabbit that's right Jeremy and he uh sort of stumbles charmed down the street oh okay great away from you guys come inside it's a crowded bar you don't see anyone that resembles the mayor who you do know

what his face looks like you did see that vampire disguises him you have like a good all of you remember what the mayor looks like um and you were told to ask the barkeep about the back room so you're approaching very quietly who would like to approach the barkeep danny danny you are muted, Brian Posen. What am I asking him for? If he can show you the room where the mayor is meeting with the filament of dongle. Filament of dongle meeting is what it should be under since the mayor is not usually leaving his name where he is.

Hi, my friend. We're here for the filament of dongle meeting with the mayor. What room is he in? Oh, they're upstairs in one of the overnight rooms. What's your name? Jeremy. What? All right.

Jeremy, interesting name. I like that. If I ever have kids, I'll have to name him Jeremy. It's a good one. I'll ask as you leave me with a little piece of collateral, and I'll give you a key to the room. All right. Here's an NFT that we just did. What do you want to give the bar keep for him to

hold on to so he'll give you a key to the room you are all acutely aware this could have consequences yes oh this is the past you're leaving something from the future

here if you do this also yeah two people have heard the word jeremy now one of if there's been some interactions that word no no no but but i am saying all of this is being tracked for potential butterfly effect shit so i want as he asked for collateral danny you're immediately like oh man okay what will cause the fewest ripples in time if i leave it here and can't get it back is there something in the room he doesn't need collateral all right i'm gonna give you a persuasion check unless you want to threaten him and do an intimidation check no uh 14

hmm gonna have to ask i mean i can make it not that valuable it's just a key but it's got to be something like you got any uh just give him like oh anyone go ahead go ahead he was getting like a silver piece or something not just whatever it is some amount of money that's not a lot but it's just money just give me a little bit of coin you can what are our coins stamped something something are they like this coin is stamped three months from now yeah it's like are they is there anything that would we we were saying if there's something in the room your coins are all minted okay ah see i caught i caught

that one yeah the only the only coins you have that aren't minted are are you ready boing cones and did boing cones exist 15 years ago you don't know they might look valuable maybe we could just right hey they might wait let's see let's see everybody check their inventory everybody check their inventory very quickly you all start rifling through your pockets the barkeep goes yeah yeah he starts pouring a beer for somebody else but you still have his attention he's just waiting for you to figure this out um you know what i mean because i'm sure we have something that is not not um i just don't want to just slit his throat or you can you can but remember would danny yen do that what happens no no brian does though does your unwavering cuteness just go for a period of time like can you be cute to him

now too no it's once a day it's once a day. It's once a day. But is it a timed spell? Like, are you still being cute? And it would work on more than one person? No, it's one creature. I'm going to try intimidation. Please, sir, we're in a hurry. The mayor knows we're coming.

You don't need anything from us. All right, now, the difficulty went up. So you can roll intimidation, but because you've already tried persuasion, difficulty goes up. All right. You needed a 16 before. It's up to 18. God damn it. What was it?

I kneecap him and I run. Eight. No, I'm kidding. I'll give that one to you, Brian. Not a success, but that you didn't actually kneecap him. So yeah, he goes, just come on, something, something. I got all day. What about those coins that that monster shits out?

That's the point. Are there any napkins. Yeah. He's asking what's up to. I got a bar rag. What? Yeah. Can someone steal some?

You don't know. What's a crock? Okay. So we can't give him a boink cone. I feel like he's not going to examine. Steal a piece of silverware from the table. Something. I mean, he might. He might take a boing cone. I feel like he's not going to examine... Steal a piece of silverware from the table or something. He might take a boing cone. It just might

have consequences. Here's what I'm going to do. I'm going to try to pickpocket somebody. The easiest mark here and then use that coin as collateral. Alright, so... I'm going to have you...

Oh no, but that's going to have consequences. Now that person has left coins. I have an idea. I'm going to go. Is there any napkins? Are there bar napkins? No, I'm going to return the coin.

I know I have to remember guys. The only thing I was going to do, Brian, Brian, he's already told you, oh, I got a bar rack. There's no napkins.

This is not TGI Fridays. So, um, uh, you see, and you, it occurs to you as you're doing this oh shit this might not have been the best idea right but i've already impulsively has reached for the through for the pocket right of an elf that was walking by okay please do your sleight of hand check. Okay. I'll return it. Guys, I'm going to return it. I love this episode! That's a 14 plus 9, so that's 23.

Oh, that's a success. Of course. You feel some hard, round objects in the palm of your hand. Oh, episode 70. It's episode 69 with two coins in your pocket. Okay, so I just take like one hard thing. Circular. Circular is not an entendre.

So yeah, you get a coin, doesn't notice. He just keeps walking towards his seat where he was drinking with some friends uh you now have a coin minted from the same time period pre this day that you were in the past okay so i hand it to the guy the bartender he kind of rolls his eyes because of how long it took and just pushes a key across the bar okay okay let's go, guys. I might need to put that coin back. Remember, you want to put that coin

back in the elf's pocket when you're done slaying a demon. So you guys head up the stairs. And yeah, there's only like a couple of rooms and all the doors are open except one. You pop it open with the key? Oh, yeah. Yes.

All right. You pop it open and you see the mayor unconscious on the floor. Oh, God. A wizard standing over him and a circle of monks stand around him. There appears to be some symbols drawn on the floor with salt. They all look up at you with a horrified look on their face. Do we see the monk that we knew in the future? All of you do an old insight check. I got a natural 20 plus 5

7 if he's here I saw him I only got a 22 why do you even roll I know it's hard to compete with that 27 was that it 25 out of 10 but a natural 25 out of 22 uh you believe first of all all at least yeah everyone

who got over a 20 realizes this one of them looks like yes a much younger version of the monk you meant and traveled through dimensions with none None other than Hingle McCringleberry. Oh. He looks quite different. His face has much fewer lines in it. He looks actually a little more muscular. But it's old Hingle. Hingle McCringleberry.

Young Hingle. Young. Young old Hingle. So I think the play here is that we have to. We have to we have to talk no I think we need to tell them what's going to happen and what the importance of it is

because they did it to trap the demon right they did it to try to make the demon we're just gonna be like no we're gonna kill him instead right yeah start explaining Hengel do i know you we come from the future with important message for you where are you in this whole procedure right now is he in there is he not in there in there not in there what do there? Not in there? What do you know?

The future? Listen up. Monks, listen up. Remember what you're trying to do and it's a good thing, but this is going to come back and bite you. Your entire order is going to be destroyed in one decade and a half yonder in the future. What are you...

What? Please. We don't have time time what do you hear what we are here to kill the demon you must not imprison him in the mayor you're here to kill the demon yes well brace yourselves he is on his way. This is the summoning circle. Got it. How long is he going to be? Because we're on a tight time schedule. In a matter of minutes. We're saying prayers in order to strengthen ourselves. You're interrupting those prayers right now. Well, please continue your strengthening prayers.

You must not, I repeat, must not put him inside the mayor what what will it be our contingency plan if you can't slay him just start killing and we're clock's ticking we are going to slay him uh and what did hingel tell us anything about his life so we can like prove ourselves i'm trying to remember because again in real time this has only been a couple weeks in our time it's been like a year since we saw him uh he talked to you about some of the other monks um and told you like oh like this is this is you know uh this monk this is that monk so that's pretty much you know like a little bit but that's about it um he you know he was the last

one after everybody else got killed Hingle told us about so many of you you must be Jerry Christmas his very bestest friend you know also um uh here if you want to pull a name Nathan do a insight check

all right inside inside since you didn't have an actual one written down I'll let Nathan remember when want to pull a name, Nathan, do a insight check. Alright, insight, insight check. Since you didn't have an actual one written down, I'll let Nathan remember when Chris can't. I'm going to take so much better notes. Ten. You remember one name. You remember Chunch.

Why is there a Chunch here? The monk immediately to ingles uh left says uh i'm chunch we have heard of you

please you must trust us time is of the essence we've got about 12 minutes oh uh also you all in your head are like oh we have about 10 minutes oh yeah uh the uh there's nothing to do but but wait at this point i'd say we've got about moments before the demon appears uh you just don't are you with us yes of course you will help us battle the demon but if you die we will have

to just put the demon in some body it will be the male or it will be one of you getting weird blank faced things with other things put in them and then demons put in other people's bodies like this is a

theme almost like there is a theme. Uh, yes. If we die, I mean, I don't care. We die. I don't give a shit what happens to any of you,

but well, I will say this. We can bring you back. You will simply be a living prison for the demon. Panzuzu. Does anyone want to volunteer for that? No. Well, if we're all dead, then go ahead and put it in the mayor.

Which one of you would you prefer to be the living prison for Panzuzu? It sounds so tempting. None. None? Well, then in the mayor he will go. Yes, put him in the mayor. If we all die, then go ahead and put him in the mayor, he will go. Yes, put him in the mayor. If we all die, then go ahead and put him in the mayor. If we're all dead, who cares?

Fuck it. It never matters. As you say, who cares? Fuck it. A monk begins to say something affirmative when all of a sudden the ceiling of this 10-foot room explodes in splinters and a large leg slams through the ceiling and plants itself it's got these black bird-like toes with these huge talons in it and another leg slams through the ceiling the walls and the roof of the tavern begin to explode and you hear for just a moment one of

the monks say see if we were going to put him in the body he would only be in a temporal form for a second and he wouldn't be causing all this damage to the bar i'm just saying and the the entire like ceiling and walls explode outward the monks you see are trying to form a ring around it and this demon goes and you see its form is about a hundred feet tall it's got this face that looks like a raven's skull uh it's got these muscular humanoid arms and large black raven-like wings sprouting from its back and hanging from its neck you see what what looks like a an urn of dangling from a chain i gotta smash that thing and we'll have to see how that goes for the castaway cuties on the next episode oh fucking hell nerd poker no wait i run uh hey sam hi everybody all right episode 70 2d has gone full hammer power and we can bless people

and do all sorts of cool shit with it now. I can always tell an episode is going to be good if within 13 minutes, Dan uses the phrase, I will let you straight up execute him. We're going back in time one by one to meeting with the mayor. We stole then returned something we pickpocketed. We found a younger Hingle as they're summoning the demon. I was very briefly scared when the ceiling broke open because I feared we were in my apartment. And finally, I believe this drops in early January, so I'd like to wish a very happy new year to all the Jeremy's out there.

Yay! Happy Jeremy. And a reminder to the players, each round of combat is about six seconds and you have about ten minutes to get back to the portal. Start doing math now. So many rounds of combat as i said last episode which we recorded about an hour before this one um oh my god uh hold on oh no no don't worry don't worry okay very funny thing in the zoom chat right now um yeah yeah yeah so the uh the the calendar the comedy calendar for me is all goofed up so just keep an eye on my social media and please do go to tales of zadia.com check out watch the dragon prince on netflix the more you watch the dragon prince on netflix you'll be psyched for my

tabletop role-playing game that i am adapting so tales of zadia.com that's zadia x-a-d-i-a what's up man i'm bummed i missed everything going on in the chat room amazing uh brian pristine.com for tour dates um i'm supposed to be in chicago on the 22nd and milwaukee the night before uh performing at uh the bee kitchen with dan the night before, uh, performing at, uh, the B kitchen with Dan Telfer. And then, uh,

this theater, do you remember the name of the theater? Uh, Sam, you it's near where you grew up. Turner hall, Turner hall. Yeah.

But those dates might change. I'm, I hope I can do them. Things are going weird. It's weird again. It's like, uh, the, when the pandemic first, well first well no the second time when when dates people were kind of like i don't know uh it seems like that's happening again

a lot of people are canceling yeah i mean we'll just say we recorded this in 2021 so things might have changed so many times over by the time you hear this but right now like all the flights are being canceled uh they're going back and forth between oh the cdc was right about this thing but wrong about this thing whoopsie doodle so like there's just a lot of venues closing and it's weird so there you go um i hope i have more news soon brianersane.com for tour dates, though. Anybody else? Blaine? Stacey and I are going up to the James Webb Telescope for the big grand opening thing.

So it should be pretty cool. I'm just opening with 10. It should be a virtual who's who. I can finally do my Pillars of Creation chunk. Nice. We appreciate your listening. Thanks for listening to another episode of Nerd Poker.

You can follow us at patreon.com slash nerd poker and you get bonus episodes from there and you can also uh send us anything at p.o box one six zero six nine encino california nine one four one six thanks for listening