Nerd Poker - S4E73 Castaway Beach

Episode Date: February 1, 2022

Well well well, if things haven't come full circle a bit. The Cuties are now trying to flag a ship to come pick them up. Oh yeah, and the time space continuum is in a mysteriously askew place. Nothing a few weird plans can't fix!

Hey everybody, I'm Brian Poussin, Comedian, writer, actor, nerd. I've been playing D&D with my friends for a long time. I decided to do a new podcast where we play Dungeons & Dragons in my very own dining room. With my wife, kid, and my noisy dogs. So meet my friends... Sarah Kev Dan

Blay Chris Now it's time for another episode of Brian Pussain's Nerd Poker. Season 4. Hey everybody, I'm Brian Pussain and you're listening to Brian Pussain's Nerd Poker. It's episode 73. We're going to jump into it. We got to, let's get it going.

So my friends are here looking. Oh, my God. What are you doing, Dan? I'm working out. It's time to jazzercise. Right on. My mom did that jazzercising. That says she heard Devo.

Anyway, Chris is here. What's up, Chris? Hey, I'm enjoying ramen's new perch. My God. Like a little prince. We'll get to that in a minute. Ken is here. Look at you.

Yes, hi. How are you? Look at you. I'm good, friend. How are you? Sarah's here. Hey, Sarah. Hi, look at you.

Look at you. Look at all of you. Look at everyone. Look at all of us. We're friends. Blaine. Hello. Blaine. Hello, Blaine. Hey, I saw The Purge the other day.

It had a parrot on it. What? Blaine's in a new room for the first time in two years, I feel like. I feel like he turned the camera to the right. Yeah, I think it's the other way. It's another view. I am. No, I'm in the back.

My wife has meetings. Oh, cool. I want to be way. It's another view. I am. No, I'm in the back. My wife has meetings. Oh, cool. I want to be behind her while she has meetings. And you did a physical bit. Yeah, I really kind of hurt myself too. Oh, no. Yeah. I had a feeling because you were bending.

Like, we could see you when you had finished trying to lean out of camera. I feel like, oh, you're not used to being in this room where you have to. I went to the right. I usually go to the left on stuff, but I was uh too far to the right chair with new backing on that chair it's a familiar chair but uh not for bits well you know i'm usually not the regular bits chair yeah not for not for uh slip and fall schemes yeah so uh plus it's uh sitting in some quicksand. Oh, no. I don't know if I'm supposed to just like. Wayne, grab on to something. Grab the microphone.

You're supposed to stay still. Oh, God. He's telling me to grab that. Sorry, guys. If you're listening at home, we'll cut this out. Hold on. I got to go to the basement. I'll be right back.

Wrong chair. Damn it. I'm go to the basement. I'll be right back. Wrong chair. Damn it. That's too high. We're on Bill Irwin. That was fun. But now I'm down way low. I just made my chair go down and no one was even watching. Ah, fuck.

God damn it. Now it's too high. Alright, everyone adjust your chairs for 10 minutes if we're all gonna do sherbets whoa it's my sherbet we haven't even seen looking at the star of our show in the

prime position everybody we gotta get a picture of that at some point that's oh yeah sam please relay to everyone what we are all sam first of all we just talked about ramen but sam is here everybody hello sweet children yeah i i built a little bed on the top of this the guitar behind me and now it's prime position that it's in it directly in a sunbeam during the day so he soaks up and charges up and then at night he lays there and farts away is he solar powered he is solar powered yeah uh-huh and big is real

angry about it yeah he heard you damn people want to think yeah i there are people i want to thank? Yeah, there are people I want to thank. Very specific ones who keep this boat afloat. They go by Patreon usernames like Blaine's Hot Mike, which is actually just a rabbit in drag. A rabbit in drag. A rabbit in drag. Good lord. I'd also like to thank I Got a Rock. Right on.

Thanks. Thank you. I'd also like to thank I Gotta Rock. Right on. I gotta rock. Thank you Wookiee Trump Toupées, exclusively pubic. Oh, wow. That's quite an image. Thank you, OSE.

Thanks. Thank you, Jacob Livermore. Thank you. Thank you, Marion the octogenarian barbarian. Thanks, Marion. Thank you, my stimulus check. Hey! No! Keep track of that on your tax

forms. Thank you, Doors Unlimited LLC. We expanded to quickly sale up to 80% off! Doors Unlimited! For those doors closed. Unlimited LLC we expanded to quickly sale up to 80% off doors close unlimited doors thank you James Brooks not the Simpsons one that last part I made up

thank you suboptimal dead after my high school student mob infiltrator cover was blown during previous credits. Thank you. Thanks. Oh, yeah.

I think that is a pun on dad by calling themselves dead. Thank you. Pillsbury dildo boy. Hey, what's going on? There is. I'm going to think real visually about that one thank you Brian Hall thank you

thank you wolves ate my house oh I regret saying this one already thank you Mr. Hands colonoscopy and gastroenterology clinic that was just for Ken they'll tell by the way they tell you thank you

dr balls paging dr mf balls thank you sabotage the cat thank you robert nichols thank you le twig thank you billy's cinderblock Airport Bag. Uh-oh. Thanks, Billy's. Good for their life. Billy's, hard time with that one. We've got Shane. Thank you, Shane. Thank you, Shane. Thank you, JJ Lee.

Thank you, Shane. Thank you, Cookie Fish. Cookie Fish. Thank you, Natural22. If I have to explain, I'm sending money to the wrong podcast thank you danny's bahamut sized math class oops boner and finally thank you no you're not i do it every quarter too thank you which is some kind of call and response joke that I'm not

100% sure I understand. Hey, Blaine, what was that confusing Patreon name brought to us by? Well, Bob from Waterpik, the hookah pick from Waterpik lets up to six people clean their teeth and gums at once. Save time and spend it with your family with a hookah pick from

Waterpik. Back to you, Bob. These could all be yours if the price is right. Oh, sorry, Dan. I was on... That was for a different podcast. Oh, thank God. I got so scared when you said back to you, Bob. I was like, I gotta wait for Bob to chime in before I can say

anything. I'll record some wild Dan's after the show. Thank you. I like to keep those in the bank. And that's one to grow on. Hey everybody, I think it's time to talk about... What happened last time on NerdPoker? Our heroes, the

castaway cuties, made a whoopsie in the time-space continuum. Well, it was deliberate. They rolled the dice, so to speak, and tried to see how much of the world might change if they just grabbed a dude from 15 years ago and went through a portal, and it went a little weird. They're currently on a beach in northwest Davenglaven, just a little bit north of Flasicola.

They currently want to go to Flasicola, but they must somehow get across a chasm and or body of water to do so they are currently using agatha to fly out to the boat and perhaps make a case for help um would you iva like to remind us approximately what that letter said um i believe i sent one gold piece and said letter said um i believe i sent one gold piece and said 10 you know 10 times this awaits you if you will uh bring us uh from and then our location and then bring us to flazacola um was the pitch great and i have written in my notes performance check colon do you remember if you rolled a performance check no No, I think I did. I don't remember. I think I did an animal handling.

Sarah, didn't you roll a hundred? Didn't you roll a hundred? I did. I rolled, I rolled 1000 infancy. That's right. Oh my gosh. My colon also failed some performance checks. I vaguely remember you rolling a pretty good,

if not great, Agatha animal handling check if you'd be so kind as to do a performance check we're gonna i didn't it was an it was like an 11 or something it was like oh did you find the the dice log on the dnd beyond no no i just for i just had listened to it relatively recently it was like not great well then we'll just say it was a it was a mediocre attempt to communicate to agatha but why don't we do a performance check to see how your letter goes over because i don't think persuasion is the key if you word it that way it's about how how you made it because my bonuses are very different for those two things okay you insist we're just we're just fleshing out the letter since i forgot 15 hey i just like having a little more of chance

sort of explained to me if i'm fuzzy on something so you guys are all hanging on the beach you see this boat far off in the distance you can't even really get a sense of what kind of boat it is other than there seems to maybe be a little speck above it that's's a sail. Agatha has long since disappeared as a dot. What would you all like to do? Hanging out on the beach with your petrified Pazuzu? I think we were doing a long rest because we all had used up our. Yes, I definitely.

That being the case, I would like our heroes to go ahead and reset all spell slots and hit points, which I'm not sure you've done in ages or you did in the last time it was ages yeah like it's it's tricky i think sometimes you guys go a long time and you run out of everything and other time you guys like took a long rest but you immediately used all your spell spots spell slots on non-combat related things. Chris went through all his lucky points. Yeah, to try to talk to Balthazar.

I used to detect magic on these eggs. That was the one thing I did here in the episode when I was randomly scrubbing through it to upload it to the old RSS feed. So yeah, I remember that luck situation did not go great. So, um, you're long resting. That's going to put you guys.

It looks like you landed in the middle of the day. That's going to put you like early morning before the sun rises. As soon as we get a little watch check, who's doing watch one of them elves that don't need much sleep. Yes, of course. I'll do one. I'll do a little watch check. Who's doing watch? One of them elves that don't need much sleep? Yes, of course. I'll do one. I'll do a watch. Okay. That's going to be a perception check, please. My perception...

Oh, good news to all the nerds. Rhodes saw all the Lord of the Rings movies last week, and he really wants to play D&D again. Like, hey, cool. Now that he's 12, I think it might be the right time.

Like, you know, he's played before, obviously, here, but... Yeah, but he was like nine. I know. He really wants to get into it, and he's got a couple of friends he wants to play with. That's cool.

Yeah, yeah. Are you going to judge him, Master? I was thinking of it, but I was also thinking of asking you so uh cool you you you keep in touch about that i uh i i ran a game for kaylin's nieces and their friends in sacramento how'd that go it was fun great great cool it's i like doing a dnd for kids parties you get to make a balloon beholders well there's a shortage on helium blaine so mind how many eyes you actually it's just awesome the kids want to play man it's so fun yeah yeah there was a i think their first time playing except for kaylin who had played with me before and uh it was fun seeing a bunch of teenagers going like wait what the it was really cool yeah I just rolled up a

little gnome the other night he wants to play D&D again he's been reading my monster manual did he pick a class I think he's gonna be a like some kind of magic user he's never done that great anyway very cool my favorite magic user is still the

wizard sorcerer is pretty cool warlocks pretty cool but wizard is just so fun hey blaine uh i got a three plus six nine oh that's not great but you got to say six nine and that's nice

hey grow up oh ken and chris simultaneously perfectly put their hands up to the camera it was well beautiful moment i understand we get it zoom five we're really good at 69 who isn't blaine a heavy fog rolls in over the ocean as you you stay away hellboy reboot alright anyway the hellboy

reboot one thing it definitely had going for it was their crazy techno version of smoke on the water it was the most intense thing I've ever heard in my life well that guy that played the lead also uh asked pat and all of us to write a bunch of jokes so some of us got some jokes in that terrible i'll say it i have two i have two pretty solid bits in that i remember

when you told me that and and you told me your bit got in there and it was in the trailer too if i'm not mistaken yeah yeah um i just want to say i thought that movie was great i have some very serious issues with the ending but i thought a lot of it was very good i think he said uh my joke was something like uh uh we'll never work out i'm a cancer and you're fucking crazy yeah yeah he said that to baba yaga or whoever that was yeah um all right yeah the fog rolls in blaine and you know jelf he's trying to do his best to keep a good watch he's got a good perception bonus but um he's unable to really get through this fog and uh as everyone you starts to naturally rouse the sun is only beginning to turn the sky pink

in the horizon you are not really able to see much yourselves hmm thanks guys at night panthers delight is Agatha back? nope hmm I will suggest the group I could pull out my little

crystal ball and do some scrying on agatha and see what's up does that sound good right yep yeah so scrying if i'm not mistaken allows you to take a point of view near the person uh is no matter where they are but don't you need like some knowledge of who they are or like one of her feathers or some junk what is what is the you can see in here a particular creature you choose that is on the same plane of existence as you the target must make a wisdom saving throw uh which is modified by how well you know the target. And if you have a physical connection, if the target knows you're casting a spell, it can fail voluntarily if it wants to be observed. Cool.

I'm going to say Agatha thinks it's pretty fucked up to have someone crawling around in her mind, even though she knows you pretty well. So I'm going to have her resist a little bit because she just won't know. She's not capable of understanding what the hell is going on. She rolled a 10. Sorry, the DC was 17. Great.

Well, don't say sorry because you're about to get this. You see she is on a treetop. Heavy fog all around her. She's kind of like looking around. Does she still have the note? Nope. Hmm. Hmm. Oh.

And of course, you relay this to the castle. Yeah, I would say that. What do you think that means about your bird? What do I think it means? Does it feel like she just didn't come back? Like she couldn't find us? Like what? Why don't you, I know Megan making you guys do so many roles already

why don't you do an insight check 11 um you feel like there's a solid chance that this means she's delivered the letter and she just can't find you but it's been a long time since she couldn't find you when you were like in the wide open so you know it's it's disappointing and it creates a little uneasiness but that doesn't necessarily mean anything maybe she's resting and well uh can we and we can't see the boat out on the horizon at all no i mean you can barely see 20 feet into the ocean right um does anybody have like gust of wind or anything to like blow away the fog not i did somebody laugh at me at that suggestion no i said not i i will throw you this if it helps you wrap your head around the visual a little bit um you feel like the fog is very thick for a very

long time gust of wind might work gust of wind might not blow far enough however it feels like from scrying on agatha nathan you can let everyone know uh it seems maybe the the the base of the fog bank is like i don't know 30 feet high uh but you're not sure necessarily off the top of your head if you have a spell that will take advantage of that yeah just a cursory look through my spell book i don't have any wind somebody who can levitate or fly up there i guess do we have anybody who can do that no we could we could sort of whistle Do you guys have like a call? Oh, yeah. For Agatha?

Sure, I can try to whistle for Agatha. Yeah, we could go in search of her and whistle. I just meant to try to see the boat, if we could get a view of the boat. But I guess she could see it, too. Yeah. I would make you do another check to try to get her attention with a secret DC because I don't want to give away just how far away she is. I would I would have you do another animal handling check if you want to do that. Also, yeah, like you really can't see far in the water.

You feel like you have to wait it out. OK, that's a five. So I guess we're just waiting. I mean, you you almost feel like the fog absorbs it. It doesn't feel like a magic. It just feels like you've rolled poorly against it as a group. I can make a gust, but it can make leaves move. That's sort of, I can push the fog in front of you.

Make leaves move? Come on, you can't write that. Can I, how far can this go okay can i do a um minor illusion 30 feet up in the air of let's see what would it be i was gonna do like a i guess a flare but that might draw like people to us right which we don't want maybe um although you were trying to get attention in that boat yeah i guess we were so is everybody okay if I do a flare up there or are you worried about what that might draw I mean we were trying to get the boat to come pick us up that was the point

I think it's a wonderful invitation for adventure I think you should set Panzuzu on fire and just push him into the ocean and see if you can get anyone's attention there now you're just enabling dan yes yeah i'm gonna um yeah i guess i'll do that then i'll just 30 feet up in the air do a little

sparkly like glowing like a roman candle yeah so i can't move so it just has to be like an image of an object so can it be an animated image i don't think so because i can't move so all right so just sort of bright lights uh flicker quickly into existence stick for a moment and then go out they can just stay i mean it can't create light so it's really got to be like a an image of light if that makes sense what if it's an image of you could be that's awesome i guess i would see that come to you um i thought about that or an image of her but yeah um image of kanzuzu or an image of a big arrow pointing down yeah you do you do think agatha is not great at uh arrow symbolism um you think she wouldn't

really know what to make of a floating pazuzu above the fog bank but you do think she would recognize you okay i guess i'm gonna project a five foot image of my face up above the fog layer wow what a weird app you've just designed um all right you do help me obi-wan kenobi instagram you do it's done the face is you know somewhere up there there is a face your face well you think about what your face must look like yeah you just give it a moment just like wow that's my face up there look at it everyone admire it you wonder if you'll get any good auditions from this spell oh good luck much likes come in to get you now i got my picture on the fog that's above the ship above the ship hashtag feeling cute my delete later uh yeah is there anything you want to do while you continue to wait

no I think we're waiting for the boat right and it's can't see we told them we were here yeah I think we just gotta have to wait a little bit longer and hope and if we if then nothing happens we gotta start moving I will pray to Bahamut just for the heck of it

aww alright let's get a religion check I'm gonna say a significant amount of time will pass after this if nothing happens just me just Ken religion religion just Ken okay religion

religion that is a it's that seven ooh yeah Bahamut can't find his way through this fog weird you're all yeah like an hour goes by you're all kind of seeing

the sun pierce the fog a little bit it uh feels like it might dissolve in another hour so to speak kind of you know break have breaks in it at least okay this sucks yeah um i guess we're just none of us can fly i mean i guess we just have to start heading for we don't really have a choice right now right yeah how far does it seem like we've been in place long enough for the boat to have gotten here

you're not sure actually great question it's pretty far away I thought we'd like pass that message really the fog's not burning off it's starting to yeah but it took an hour for the sun to start to actually properly So let's wait another couple hours, I guess.

Yeah. We'll wait another couple hours and then see if we see the boat, and then if not... I highly encourage you guys to improvise a solution, but this is a chasm between you and Flayzacola that you have yet to figure out, and you only have a petrified demon lord for a boat.

Right. Okay, now I need a director. A sub-petrified demon lord. Brian, your elbow. Oh, fuck. I'm sorry, Chris, were you about to say something? Nope. I was going to say a little.

You leaned towards the camera dramatically and I think my unconscious mind just really was excited by it sorry thank you for apologizing are there any small animals around here any creatures on the beach or that near the beach that i oh absolutely there's you've seen more than one little crab scuttling around the beach um perhaps not going to help me are there are there any other birds or like squirrels for their seagulls? You think there's probably, I can just try to speak to a small beast.

So can I just try to communicate simple ideas with small beasts? I can do. All right. How far away can they be? I'm not even sure that it, let's see it doesn't even say through sounds and gestures so i think i i just would be gesturing to the seagull excuse me sir all right trying to get its attention mine yeah mine mine mine mine mine

you uh you reach in your pack pull out maybe a ration throw it on the ground and one of gulls that have been circling overhead mine mine mine mine eventually is portrayed by brian posain uh it it flies down and and um it starts picking it uh the the ration for a second starts looking for crabs it's like 20 feet away i'm gonna try to communicate like boat to it like gesturing it says i can use like gesturing towards the area that we saw the boat i'm gonna try to communicate like boat to it like gesturing it says i can use like gesturing towards the area that we saw the boat i'm gonna start gonna be like is there a boat out there i'm gonna try to get that idea all right and this is not a check right like you just communicate your sounds and gestures you can communicate simple ideas with smaller smaller beasts speak with small

beasts yeah nice all right um that's how agatha and i also communicate i think i'm still gonna have you do an animal handling check for this because i don't think that ability necessarily takes care of a check i mean it's just a nine so he definitely understands that you're talking to him and he's curious but as you point and you kind of say the word, he just he's just sort of like, I don't I don't know what word that is. I try to talk to another bird. All right. I mean, yeah, it takes a little while, but I'm just going down the list of these birds. All right.

You go for an up, but here's next seagull. An hour goes by. The sun is beginning to cut. That time I got a 17. This bird understands boat. Okay. It says, Oh,

there's, there's a, one of those. It kind of like, it kind of is like you, you basically get this really strange thought pattern as it gestures with its beak towards the water um okay i'm gonna write another note that just says hello question mark and give it to the bird uh and ask it to take it to the boat are you coming all right um you ask it

like take and um it kind of cocks its head and kind of was like weird when you approach it with the note. And then it's like, all right, all right. And it like lets you put it on, but it doesn't really understand where to go. And it just kind of flies. No, no, I'm good. I'm communicating. Yeah, but it's like it's like, but I guess I'm going to take a break for it. Like, it's really like kind of kind of like all

right baby and um a few minutes go by can we see any better yeah you start to see a boat is pretty close as the fog begins to to break during morning proper this thing is it looks like it's about to leave the fog. It's kind of panning south. And only the, I forget which side of the fucking boat it is. The left side of the boat, if you're facing the front of the boat, is briefly in view. But it looks like it's going to pass out of the break in the fog soon. And it's going to start heading farther south than you currently are.

So it's not even coming towards us? No, it's like it's been going back and forth, it like on the beach trying to find their war wave it down yeah can i do another illusion with this time with an arrow pointing down yeah okay and uh yeah nothing happens right away you know it's a big boat it kind of fades in out of the out of the gap but you know you all uh do get a chance to try to see everybody roll a perception check to see if or insight i'll let you pick just tell me what you you pick to see what you can gather from the boat going by because it's an exciting moment inside Insight 15. What? Did you say insight or what? Perception. Perception.

I rolled a seven insight. Try again. Perception, sorry. Perception 17. Great. Insight 14. Oh, sorry. No worries.

I got you. Seven insight. Great. Wayne. I got a natural 20 plus my insight was 626 holy that's insightful and chris you said you had a uh what is this 17 17 perception so yeah you you feel like you get a really good sense of the boat um and it's big. You think you see

someone on deck for just a second. It's a sailor. Blaine, this boat is clearly a boat that you have been on before. Uh-oh. It is the Schooneroonie. Wasn't it destroyed?

It was. But time has been changed ah it brought back the schoonerunny is that the boat from the very beginning yeah episode one you're sure not on it as far as you can tell

because you're on the beach. Is there another version of you on the boat? How does Dan handle time travel in Dungeons and Dragons? It isn't quite clear yet with that high roll, but with that very, very high roll, I am willing to tell you. You see a Rooney on the side of it. The color of the wood brings back a memory and a scent even. And you're like oh oh huh

saltwater taffy huh so is it coming for us it's looking for you um a few minutes go by and you think you see a dinghy piercing the fog headed towards you all I will tie my scarf like a

neckerchief and be like a little sailor. There are two guards on the boat. We are here. They are, yeah, they're dressed in green garb. One of them looks very familiar and the other one

is kind of new to you what's the guy's name do we remember his name the one that's familiar he he didn't really introduce himself but it is definitely one of the guys is the guy you threw overboard hello in another reality they wouldn't know uh you you get on board immediately yeah um they uh time to waste uh they say whoa whoa whoa what what before you get on board who are you this is this is a guy who looks like he might be higher ranking guard speaking not the guy who you threw overboard do we look familiar to you no I've never met any of you before

that's great it's good to hear we are travelers we are stranded here and we need to get to Flazacola immediately I see well we weren't planning on docking at Davenglaven we just got diverted by the fog so

uh Flasicola is not on our list it will cost us money to dock at Flasicola yes well that's why we appreciate it so much did they get the note oh we got the note uh I mean we

we understand your trouble it was uh very interesting how it was sent to us uh but you know you're gonna have to help us cover the docking costs what are the docking a bit of money my good man for a boat our size to dock for even long enough for you to get off is usually how long it takes for a large number of people to get on and off the boat um we're also a passenger uh vessel that it's taking we're taking refugees from another continent right to a continent that's not daven glaven so you know this is a this is a journey that usually costs folks money as well the The docking fee would be 20 gold. Sir, can we just go out on the dinghy once you're close?

Can we give you the agreed upon? In the note, we offered you 10 gold. We'll take us aboard. We'll go close to Flays of Kola, and we'll just set out in the dinghy to get to shore. You don't need to dock. Are you asking to purchase our dinghy? Rent it?

You could keep it. How would you suppose we get the dinghy back? After you paddle it out to the dock? Good grief. One of you can paddle with us. And paddle back to the ship. Interesting proposal. Okay.

Why don't you do a persuasion check, Iva? Sure. Okay. interesting proposal okay uh why don't you do a persuasion check iva sure hey created this character exactly for moments like this let's see how it goes 19 hey nice so the the the other guy is like yanking on the captain's sleeve like like is like yanking on the captain's sleeve like we gotta talk and the captain says alright hang on I'm gonna step aside if you get on the

dinghy I am armed with a ranged weapon I should hope so this is a dangerous land don't get on the dinghy I have to confer one moment and he steps aside they like are whispering heatedly to each other they come back he's very protective of his dickie

yeah they come back and the captain says alright yeah we can do that but I'm going to have to insist that you pay the full docking fee you offered us 10 gold

generous to say the least That you pay the full docking fee. You offered us 10 gold. Generous. To say the least. But we can't. We're carrying refugees who had to buy a ticket. We can't simply just bring people on board for free. So you're asking for how much gold? Total?

20 gold total, please. And then you will dock in the city we will it's just the same to us we're going to dock in the city if a guard tries to take you ashore we just talked about this there's too high a risk

if we're seen trying to avoid docking fees the country of of veston could be in serious trouble all right let's say 15 and call it a day he like glances at the other guy and he's like giving like the most piercing like negative like like hostile look to his captain um and uh the captain says listen we're gonna keep this between us you're gonna see a lot of refugees we're gonna we're this is strictly between us do you understand and he like looks at the guard too

and he's just like you fucking cool off and then he he gestures for you to get it on the dinghy nice thank you just one question the fuck is that thing you're dragging?

What the fuck is that thing you're dragging around in the sand? The garden statue. It's got sentimental value. I'm going to need you to be honest with me. What is that thing? It's a statue, obviously. He gets a little closer and starts inspecting the statue. Real detailed statue.

Is this because you worship this being? That you have this statue? Absolutely not. Oh, no. What are you doing with this we're bringing it to actually to destroy it in the temple of bahamut because uh it was on display in a castle that we were at and uh we were like this is bad news sacrilege you're going to bring a cursed statue onto my boat that needs to be destroyed in a temple of Bahamas.

I didn't say anything about cursed. Why does it need to be destroyed if it isn't cursed? I wasn't born yesterday. To prevent something from happening in the future. It's of earthly importance. Oh, my goodness. Well, you know what? All right, I'm going to need... 2D went there.

2D went there and now 2D is responsible for what happens next. 2D, I'm going to get because of your temple and the authority you came in here with. Roll with advantage persuasion, please. Now I know why we threw this other guy off the fucking boat. Now we're going to throw him off the boat before we

throw him off the boat later. Yikes. First roll was a 22. Natural plus two. Nice. I can't roll better. Holy shit. I understand.

I can tell you're a man of the cloth. I think I can tell you've got what looks like a holy weapon uh i believe you just um i'm gonna have to ask you take it below deck it's gonna be a few hours before we can get to flazacola we're lucky we expected this boat to be pretty full but uh we're actually running behind too some of the people who bought tickets didn't show up. They paid enough for their tickets where some investigation was done and the people with the tickets were not found a little bit of concern gathered locally,

but if there's a serial killer or something, and we decided to leave despite the fact that the Clottenheim, the elves were trying to ask us if veston was up to something so you know it was a bit of a tricky travel if you could just give us we've been sort of off the grid if you could give us just a real quick you know while we're while we're traveling we'd love to sort of what's been going on in the world what's the deal with claudenheim what happened there that kind of stuff would be great all right well uh claudenheim claudenheim is in uh rough shape as i said these are refugees and

he at this point you're in the boat he's paddling you plots moving forward but um does he look like the same captain that would have been the captain of our boat? he didn't get a good look at the captain um but this guard is definitely giving Nathan the hairy eyeball as you paddle towards the boat um

yeah countries in turmoil not sure what's going on locally here in Davonglaven. I haven't been around here, but yeah, it was really, it was a real tense, not used to dealing with situations like that. Usually we would deal with very friendly of strange things in Clottenheim.

Well, that was years ago. I mean, before the comet hit and then things got strange with the crystals and right that's that's whatever we changed would have happened after the elves we didn't change anything prior to that point in time right you know we did we did we went back farther than that you went back farther than the comet farther than that you went back farther than the comet however you you caused this mostly locally and it would seem uh the way time fractured you guys got pulled somehow um and there's not another version of you on the boat but the boat expected to see you so it's uh it feels like you you've upset the balance of this particular timeline in a weird way.

But it seems like whatever happened in Clottenheim in our timeline also happened in this time. Yeah, although it's reasonable to assume there's a chance you guys getting a hold of Pazuzu and the Arch liches phylactery got the attention of the arch lich somehow who might've been keeping tabs on the demon Lord. Well, that's great. Yeah. I mean, it was supposed to be safe with the demon Lord and the monks were going to

put them in the deep breeze and then you guys interrupted and made off with them. So, um, yeah, you get on board the boat. to put them in the deep freeze and then you guys interrupted and made off with them so um yeah you get on board the boat you climb tody you can babysit the zuzu i'm gonna gamble with some people on the boat try to get some of that money back um they lead you down towards the empty room and i'm gonna need you all to do a perception check to get a view of the boat as you go down cool a perception check to get a view of the boat as you go down.

Cool. Give me them numbers. 17. 17. Who can beat a 17? Not me, 12. Not me. What'd you get? 14. What'd you get, Brian?

Not very perceptive. 6. Alright, most of you guys are pretty occupied but uh 17 uh as you guys are heading down you see something that you definitely do not remember when you got in the schoonery the first time there appears to be some tall heavily armored undead elves pacing back and forth on the deck of the ship. They're in different armor than the Vestan guards that were on the boat. The dinghy. So we should probably wrap this guy up in some kind of

you don't want anybody to see him, right? Right. Yeah. Well, take him somewhere where we can leave him too. It's too late to wrap him up. You see him these guards after but for this anyway I'm not saying you got a sense they

made eye contact with the statue but you didn't think of this before you spotted these Claude and Heim guards these Vendaria guards so I think the second that I we did see it we would be trying to like be like oh shit and

hide the statue yeah you all know what you're you're not the characters from last campaign but you're you're enough of you are from claudenheim nathan it's in particular that i remember uh you guys are you know disquieted a little bit so you're you're taken down and so you want to put them in a separate area than your sleeping quarters? Would Pazuzu count as a creature in this case? Because I can cast invisibility on sort of the same way we did

with the guard's body before, but it has to be a creature. A creature I touch. Oh, I can just do an illusion around his face just make him look like an no an actual garden gnome oh great um yeah i think it counts as a creature i'm trying to i'm checking real closely don't waste a spell because i mine's a cantrip so okay we might need we might need your spells do you put your head like as you see my paw grabbing for

my wand do you put your hand on my paw and you're like i got this yeah so just for uh listeners who haven't memorized the player's handbook and players i'll just remind everyone a creature is any player character or dm controlled monsters and np, including but not limited to constructs, monstrous plants, and undead. So yes, you can cast this on Pazuzu and make him look like a garden gnome. And you bring him in your quarters. Captain, the guard said, we'll come back for you. We're just going to leave this guard in the room with you

for your protection, and good luck on your voyage. This guard? I immediately ask him if he's covering with a sheet now, and I immediately ask the guard if he plays bent or dice or anything.

I don't play games. The fuck you change his face for? It's hard to look at. Very unattractive. Yes, people are scared by this. Why do you think that we have to take it? It seems real suspicious as soon as you get on the boat. You're like, oh, it's a friendlier face.

Is this the same asshole that guarded from the first time? Are we going to throw him overboard again? No. No, we can't. This is a weird Groundhog Day situation. Iva, don't you have some coin you're looking to get rid of? No, they just took all my coin. I'm trying to play a game.

That's what I'm saying with this guy. He just said he doesn't play games. Not even for cash. She's very unlucky. How much cash are we talking? something with this guy. He just said he doesn't play games. Not even for cash. She's very unlucky. How much cash are we talking? You just said you don't play, so, you know. I can improvise.

You can make bets. That's not a game. Fun. Okay, well, yeah. I took lessons from the great deal close how dare you say improvising isn't fun uh let's let's play for some silver pieces all right so he's gonna play dice with you but um i i will play pictionary okay for me you're playing dungeons and dragons pictionary no i'm just saying you didn't play. I thought you didn't play games. I just thought it would be fun to make. Big Bear!

Oh, Bug Bear! All right. So you can tell me what game you're playing narratively, and I'll buy some version of it. But for the sake of this game, let's just roll three six-sided dice. I'm only, just to be clear, I'm only wagering at this point 10 silver pieces total. Uh huh.

That's the number 8. Oh. I got an 11. What does that mean? Does he win all my money looks like you're rolling for low silver he uh takes your silver and uh slides it across the floor to himself wait i'm sorry that's not what i was i meant total like i thought we would do a couple rounds you're not gonna give him 10 silver all right you you that's fine that's fine you know what i don't do the math no i'm gonna do the math uh nothing

all right let me know what you get hmm 14 14 14 presenting his dice. A fucking six.

A fucking six. You're back even. Well, Double or Nothing means he should give me 20, right? Hmm? Doesn't he give me 20? It was Double or Nothing. You were going to give me more.

You can't reverse Double or Nothing me. I've't reverse double or nothing me. I've been reversed double or nothing plenty. You think I don't know what it feels like to be reversed double or nothing when you're not looking? Alright, sir. I always get that at the In-N-Out.

Outrageous. I'll play one more hand with you if you want to raise the stakes a bit. Stakes being raised by Dan. What else do you have? I've got plenty of money. How much you got? Um,

how about, uh, you said you don't play bent, otherwise I would offer you some of my cards, but, um, how about, let's see, I have a one of these. See, I'm pounding an apple apple i forgot that i had this one expensive amount of money so let's go ahead and do i'm just gonna do um two gold oh two gold oh two gold i was hoping we could maybe go as high as five gold no we're gonna go two gold right now

because that's i'm not gonna break my money anymore for you but um but i would i the game might take more than money got anything you want to throw in the pot nathan's face there um uh let's see do we have anything fun a fleshy bag with hard lumps inside it blood a bear bar diary I don't really have anyone else have anything they want to get rid of they want to wager

I have common clothes that's fun I want to play rock paper scissors shoot for our game you want the dungeon master to do the, paper, scissors. All right. For our game. You want the dungeon master to do the rock, paper, scissors shoot? Sure.

Now, I was teaching Nathan to gamble before, so I'd actually like Nathan to use his rabbit paws to do the best, and he's going to do the two out of three here versus the DM slash guard. All right. When you ask Nathan to step in, you see this wild, angry fire explode behind the guard's eyes, but he doesn't show it anywhere else on his face. Other than his face. No, his eyes.

It's like his eyes are betraying something, but he's trained the rest of his face to just drain all of its expression away. Oh, I don't know if you're getting nervous. I'll offer him my paw. Good luck, sir. He nods. See? All right, you ready, Chris?

What am I doing? Rock, paper, scissors, shoot. Okay. All right. Rock, paper, scissors, shoot. Rock, paper, scissors, shoot. Rock, paper, scissors. Chris got a rock and I got scissors

um I said best two out of three so much as I would like why did we stop here we're going to have to find out how the guard responds to losing a gambling match with Nathan on the next episode of

nerd poker hey Sam what do you think happened well episode 73. Much like the people in Florida, even during a pandemic, we're on the beach. Agatha delivered our notes, so we're trying to whistle her back. There's a boat coming up and we're getting on.

We're about to play a game, picking what we'll wager, and I have a feeling from here on out in this game, nothing bad is going to happen to us. Nice. Thanks, Sam. here on out in this game nothing bad is going to happen to us nice thanks Sam Dan you got anything you want to plug my friend yeah please just go watch the Dragon Prince on Netflix I got a book coming out soon

and I think you're going to like it out that's that's a big deal so I appreciate all of you guys checking that out Jerry Duggan and I and Scott Koblish from Deadpool

may have outdone ourselves when it comes to being dumb in a comic book we wrote they asked us to do a pro-marijuana comic book for 420 and we went okay and uh we just wrote the fucking craziest thing and it's coming out on 420 at image comics everywhere you can pick it up in your stores you can already pre-order it uh the color the cover is insane

and it's just picture predator against weed. It's straight up an 80s movie, but with this anti-pot thing that becomes pro-pot, it's just so much fun. But that's something I'm really excited about. And like I said, I've got some other image books in the pipe behind that, but that's the first one coming out on 420. And then tour dates,

Grandpa's Metal Stash also, but tour dates at BrianPassane.com. And I'm coming to New York very soon. It'll probably be whenever this episode drops. I'm there the 4th. So is that before this? Nope, it's after. Oh, shit.

This one drops next Tuesday. Oh, cool. So come see me. Yeah, yeah. New York and Connecticut there. But BrianPersane.com tour dates. Anybody else? Hey, Blaine, are you up to anything these days?

If this is dropping when Brian says it is, Stacy's probably back in the hospital for that. She really fucked himself up when he flew into that billboard. Oh. So, yeah, he spends weekends in the hospitals, and then he gets out during the week, sort of like a hospital work release thing that he does.

Wow. So I have the week off. That's how he heals? He just heals on the weekend? Yeah, he's on a thing. He's efficient. Oh. Yeah, he's, he's, he's got it down.

Knows what he's doing. Right on. We appreciate your listening. Oh, and also check out our merch. We've got merch. Thanks for listening to another episode of Nerd Poker. You can follow us at patreon another episode of nerd poker. You can follow us at patrion.com slash nerd poker, and you get bonus episodes from there.

And you can also send us anything at P.O. Box one six zero six nine. Encino, California, nine one four one six. Thanks for listening.