Nerd Poker - S4E74 Schoonarooni Reprise

Episode Date: February 8, 2022

If it isn't that anti-beastfolk guard who got chummed for a dragon turtle in S4E1? Hmm welp in this timeline things are SURE to go less horribly this time... right?

Hey everybody, I'm Brian Poussin, Comedian, writer, actor, nerd. I've been playing D&D with my friends for a long time. I decided to do a new podcast where we play Dungeons & Dragons in my very own dining room. With my wife, kid, and my noisy dogs. So meet my friends Sarah, Kev, Dan, Lee, Chris. Now it's time for another episode of Brian Pussain's Nerd Poker. Season 4. Hey, everybody.

I'm Brian Pussain. You're listening to Brian Pussain's Nerd Poker. B.B. Herman's here, everybody. But let me get into it. We're at episode 74. I know, because i was zero no i was i was a grown man in 1974 um ken is here speaking of old people hi what's up i can't wait till you introduce our special guest peewee herman uh no he's behind sam just chilling oh chilling. Oh, shit. Chris is here. What's up, buddy?

Hey, man. I heard Pee Wee Herman's on the show. I'm really excited. Blaine's here. Hey, I saw Paul Rubin's circling for parking. Very excited. Sarah's here, everybody. Hi.

To be clear, he's not here. Don't get excited. We're talking about a poster behind Sam. I'm so sorry, everyone. Brian, the thing poster behind Sam. I'm so sorry, everyone who listens. Brian, the scene's behind me. Look on that poster of Uncle Nick, the movie I was in. That's our book and guests.

And the silhouette of Jason Voorhees' mom. Spoiler. In the first movie. It changes every movie. Yeah. And Dan is here. Hey, buddy. Hi, fella.

We mentioned him earlier. Pee-wee's running up behind him right now to get on the mic. Sam, everybody. Hello, sweet children. I'm good. I'm good. The regular listeners know, we've mentioned it many times, that there is Pee Wee Herman cutout behind Sam now, so I don't think we really have to. And now he's an actual guest.

Yeah. No! Let's bring him on. He's live with us on the phone. Pee Wee, how are you? Pee? Pee? Have I ever told you that story? We could get him if we ever really, really, really had to reach out to

him. I met him. He must have done a bunch of Earwolf stuff, right? No, he's the last remaining hold on. Oh, really? All right, let's try to get him. I've been there nine years. He's never come in. Really?

Not once. It blows my mind. Not for a Comedy Bang Bang. He did like a Comedy Bang Bang interview with Scott in Austin like 12 years ago. Oh, okay. Yeah. I wonder if that was when he was doing his live thing again. Did anybody see that around 10 years ago?

I did. Oh, I did. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I saw it originally and the new one. No shit. Oh. Yeah, at the Roxy. That's what it is.

I smuggled that canvas in and had him sign it at that point. Oh, wow. There you go. Did he do the new show at the Roxy. That's what it is. I smuggled that canvas in and had him sign it at that. Oh, wow. Did he do the new show at the Roxy? No, it started there but then it kept selling bigger tickets and got moved to... It was at like LA Live. Was it the Key Club? It was LA Live for a while too.

It was there for a couple of weeks at LA Live, I thought. He did the thing with the balloon. Do you remember the thing where he had a giant inflated balloon and he was moving his hands over it and squeaking it

and he did it for like three minutes it was so it was hilarious oh my god it's in the movie he did with Joe Manganiello yeah it is

it is yeah yeah we were the expendables can we get Joe and Pee Wee to play one oh Joe might also be able to get a hold of Pee-wee.

That's true. We haven't talked to Joe in a while, but we should reach out. I'm going to get a hold of Pee-wee after the show if you know what I'm talking about. Real quick, Jerry Duggan and I were signing comics once at San Diego, and this guy comes up wearing

a luchador mask and lifts the mask, and it's Pee-wee. And he just looks at me and he goes, hey, big fan, and then drops the mask and runs away. And Jerry's sitting right there. And Jerry goes, oh, my God. Did Paul Reubens

also known as Pee Wee Herman just run up here with a luchador mask and lift the mask and show his face and then run off love it yes friend that just happened he's like that was fucking amazing that's literally the best thing that ever happened to me at San Diego Comic Con that's amazing

in 20 years of going. Brian, do you still tell your story about the escalator? Do you remember the escalator story at Comic-Con? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Can you take a little side detour and tell us that story, Brian? I can't remember exactly what the nerd was like right in front of me, because this was kind of early on for me there. I'm a nerd, but I couldn't believe when I

first started going to San Diego how like and then it got really so commercial but this is Ken was there yeah Ken and I were you with me when this happened Blaine no no I just love the story so much there's a nerd right in front of me

I don't even think he had somebody with him so he just kind of said it out loud for everybody like he did it wasn't an aside to a friend there was we were going down the escalator and these klingons were going up the escalator and if you're star trek nerd you see this fucking coming from a million miles away. He goes, talk about your Klingon ascension ceremony. Was that the joke, Blaine? That's exactly the joke. This is fucking 20-something

years ago. But we were at the Hyatt bar that night just fucking crying as I'm retelling the story. Got to do a clang on with a tear. Let's jump in, Dan. Sure. I would love to. I'm now

going to thank some Patreon supporters who go by names like DeckertSkilso. Thank you. Thanks. Thanks, Jugal. Thank you, Tony Laracco. Thanks. Thank you. How many coins could a Wayne coin bone

if a Wayne coin could boing cones? Wayne coin star. Hey, now you're a boing cone. Thank you, Dinty Moore McFlurry. Thank you. Thank you, Dangoy Moore McFlurry. Thank you. Thank you, Dango Merman, aka Uncle Magic.

Thank you, a weird horse. Thank you. Thank you, Occam's electric toothbrush. It's the simplest toothbrush. Thank you, Eric E. Thank you. Thank you, every time Brian asks how to play his own character,

I die a little inside. i'm tyler hi tyler all right thank you jack watkins thanks jack thank you brian's accommodating lap i fear that this callback is now too old and makes me look like a creep. Whoops. Thank you. No. We all remember. Thank you Bobcat Goldthwait's vocal coach. Thank you that levitating mall Santa you guys murdered at the Beverly Center.

Oh thanks. Thank you rambling rubbisher. Thank you Nathan's furry purple carrot thank you thank you new tans pardon me I think I've got like a half second delay thank you new tans

thank you castaway cuties booty pootie after a wet tootie thank you Dr. Uwitz Forest Grown OG Kush. Oh. Thank you, Waka Willis. Thank you, Crimson Tesseract. Thank you, Zen Smoke.

Thank you, Rachel. Thank you, Bryce Gamble. And finally, thank you that 200 pound Bahamut hammer Brian dragged around town behind his car, a.k.a. Boatskroat. Thanks, BS.

Thank you. Hey, Blaine, who were those Patreon supporters brought to us by? Those Patreon supporters brought to us by Ed Wynn. When my wife suffers from vaginal dryness,

so do I. That's when I reach for Wynn Glide. Sexual lubricant makes everything a little bit easier. vaginal dryness, so do I. That's when I reached for Windglide. Sexual lubricant makes everything a little bit easier. My late wife loved it, and so did my early wife. So if you suffer from vaginal dryness the way

I did, reach for Windglide. Dan? Thank you, Blaine. My goodness. Goodness indeed. dan thank you blaine my goodness goodness indeed well i believe it is now time to talk about what happened last time on nerd poker the castaway cuties took a petrified demon lord back through time or forward in time what matters is the timeline is different, especially in Dave and Glavin where 15 years have changed

and now seemingly many of the things that were true in the beginning of this campaign are no longer true. Nobody remembers the castaway cuties. People act as if they've never seen them. How will they interact with the NPCs?

Well, we're about to find out as Nathan wins a game of dice against an NPC that formerly got thrown in the ocean for insulting him. So I believe that is where we left off. Not dice though. Were you playing bent?

Was that it? Nope. Try again. What if I didn't and I stared at you angrily until you told me what you were playing instead? I would say shoot.

Do you have rocks in your head? I do have rocks in my head. What are you even scissoring right now? It was tough to go there but you did it and that's great. You paper of a bitch. What the fuck is happening?

Cleverly working in the rock, paper, scissor items of the regular sentence. I thought I was bad with my vaginal dryness. You were. You were. Jesus Lord. vaginal dryness. You were. You were. Jesus Lord. Oh, that's my favorite Ken laugh. That better make nerd poker quotes.

Wow. It's weird to break Ken right at the top. That's my favorite Ken laugh. When it sounds crazy. No, it's like a little, I just love it. I'm like a little clown. Everyone make sure to tell nerd poker quotes on Twitter that they have to quote that and put it out

on their feed. What are we even quoting? Okay. You're saying a naughty word. The vaginal dryness thing. But then it was the constant run of... And I said you did. I thought my vaginal dryness thing was bad.

And you said, yeah, it was. And I said you did. I thought my vaginal dryness was bad. And you said, yeah, it was. Yeah. We don't fuck around on nerd poker. Thanks for tuning in. Let's go to see what traffic's like. Oh, my God.

You fucking weirdo nerd. Are we starting? When did we start it? Let's start. Let's play a game. All right. I guess. Anyway. let's start let's play a game all right i guess anyway okay oh my gosh hang on i try to force quit something so yes um you just won nathan this guy you remember previously when you encountered him it wasn't because you lost a game with him

it was just because he was in your cabin being rude to you that i believe danny started a fight danny was like fuck this and danny in this moment you sense the tension after nathan has won this round of rochambeau you you can tell there's like a familiar look of aggression on this guard's face i don't remember him or i do you do and you remember you helped throw him in the ocean where he became chum for a dragon turtle i don't like bully i don't like bullies yes and so he he looks up at nathan and he glow for a minute. And you all start to remember that moment. And he says, why don't you go in the back and stay with the other animals? Oh, is there a VIP?

Very important. Porcupine section? More like VIL. Very important. Via very important. Livestock. I think we should maybe kill him. My accent changed in the middle of that. Maintain the timeline.

Where are we? You guys are currently... Remember what happened when we... Yeah, you're in private quarters in the schooneroonie. So you're in a very small room with padded seats. Sarah, what were you going to say? Let's just all walk out. Walk out?

We'll walk out of this padded room and go into another room. Leave this guy to be by himself. I think these are our quarters, right? This is where we're supposed to be staying? What's he doing in there? Yeah, you're stuck in here for a little bit until you guys reach the docks at Flazacola where you wanted to

go because there's a temple of Bahamut where you can smush this thing. Does this guy have any backup? Out in the hall, somewhere else in the boat, but right now he's alone as your guard in your room. Nathan, why don't you show him how cute you can be? Unwaveringly.

Absolutely. I will wave my tail and twinkle my nose at him okay and you're going to use unwavering cuteness unwavering cuteness so i had that counts as a spell here it is he has to make a wisdom saving throw dc 13 as i bat my uh unusually large eyes at him. Say now, friend. There's no cause for alarm. Oh, he got a three minus

one. He's in love. All right. I guess this is my accent now. And, uh, Western English. And yeah, pardon me, creature. I didn't know how to deal with you. That's all right.

Many times we have inside feelings and they affect us a different way. By the way, when you say all this, especially when you say inside feelings that affect us in different ways, Caspia is like, like, like kind of stroking her chin, kind of looking you up and down and going like, this is also the first time she's ever looked flirty with you

since she's become a bunny. Okay. So just a heads up. I'm going to have some more bunnies soon the guard who is now british uh instead of southern says all right well anyway i'm done with these games i know he's southern again is he really he's from the south of england his mom is his mom's from georgia and his dad is from london i have a mental block where i can't pull a british accent i've i've been classically trained and i don't remember because it's been

too long and i guess i'm tired but uh i can't do a voice or accent at all even when i'm reading a book i cannot maintain a stable character voice for my kids for like i can do southern because i'm i'm from 45 minutes outside of chicago where everyone has an accent as if they're in georgia so uh that's weird what it's very very like quote unquote rural in in the deep chicago suburbs so yep it's like that a lot of the midwest a lot of midwest they have kind of a draw outside of the the cities. Oh, I don't know. Yeah, of course, of course. There's that very suburban but like, not suburbs.

We're talking like if there's farms and shit. Maybe also an exception for Minnesota and South Dakota. That's true in California too. Like, you go to Bakersfield and they're all like, Hello, go back to Bakersfield. What're all like, Hello, go back to Bakersfield. What's all this in?

You ain't from Fresno, are you? Pre-Haw. Forget about Solvang. Deferred. Welcome to Solvang. Deferred, deferred, deferred. I'm from Sweden. All right, well, you guys figure you've got a couple hours before you dock in

Flay's a cola. You are full health, full spell slots in good shape. Nothing to worry about in that regard. But you don't know what to expect from Flay's a cola because, again, this continent has not experienced the effects of having the mayor contain Panzuzu. I'm sorry, there's a gnat in my face. So you're just going to hang out? Is there anything else you want to do?

You want to kick this guard out of your cabin or try to? I was going to ask him. I said I was going to go gamble to try to get some of my money back with other passengers, but I guess if they're refugees, they might not be in the mood. So I guess I'll just sit here. Right, governor! What about

the other guards or the staff here on the ship? We saw undead. Oh, let's ask him about the undead. Use your cuteness to ask him about those undead elf guards. That's a new thing. All right. Yeah, absolutely.

I will ask him exactly about that. Say there, friend. What's up with the pointy-eared death mongers? He tells you that they're kind of required to be on boats that are going to dock in Clottenheim. And it's a new thing. It's got something to do with the presence of the Vendarian forces globally that they're starting to try to get more into effect. to try to get more into effect. Apparently, that army is now trying to maintain a presence in Davenglaven, in Bonkle, and in Veston,

where this ship is eventually going to end up. How do people feel about that? I don't know. Elves are all right. You did notice the elves were very pale. They had sort of sunken eyes. And he just seems like he's not a very cultured person. But you all get really unnerved by them.

You all get really unnerved by them. They don't like look quite as creepy as as as some monsters that you've encountered. Right. They aren't like horrifying, but there is something unusual about them that you've never seen before. Unless one of your characters, like I think at least one of you is from Claude and I'm proper might recognize them when they took over that continent. So they're sort of undead? They're undead. They're very undead.

This is what we unleashed. Our old characters. Not me. I'm a rabbit. You were there. Can I do a... What's our goal right now? Are we trying to get back to

before? This is tricky, but our goal is to... Dan, please correct me if I'm wrong because I don't want us to lose track of our goal because we do have trouble with that. So I believe that our goal right now is that we are going to destroy this demon who's trapped in a statue form right now, petrified or whatever, so that we can destroy former lives of season three allowed to take over

the economy oh right okay but so how do we get back to our timeline by doing all this stuff this is our time wait this is our timeline right it's changed this is our it's just changed because because we changed something. Unfortunately, there does not appear to currently be a way to make your old timeline come back. All right. So as of right now, we're just going to try, hoping that there's still a temple in Flayzacola. Going to go ahead with that plan and then destroy the, and we'll see what's going on there.

Okay. Dan, can I do, as an elf, can I do some sort of a perception or an insight check to see if I recognize these elves or if I can figure out where they're from? Any of that kind of stuff? Yeah, do an insight check, sir uh 14 plus 620 there's something that's really high congratulations uh very nice there's something eerily familiar about them you're from the continent like not continent the the island it's a small little island called amina so you're not sure what these Vendarian elves are supposed to look like, but they look vaguely like some elves you've seen now and then called sun elves.

But instead of having sort of like a bronze complexion like a lot of them do, they're very pale and they have blackened sunken eyes. Okay. Like a doll's eyes so you do feel like you know things aren't like crazy level lockdown bonkers in this boat you could try and gamble around the boat iva um the way you did in the previous timeline in fact you know these people might be antsy you don't know you don't know um it feels safest to just stay here. Probably less interesting if anyone were listening to our adventures. But since we're just living our lives as people and no one is witnessing any of this,

we should probably do what makes sense for us in the moment, which is rest and get ready to check out Fliesicola. All right. All right. You're not going to explore the boat. You are going to hang tight. And so a couple of hours go by. Would you all please do a perception check?

Yes. I'm going to get out of Lido deck and hang out with Isaac for a while. Ooh. I got a natural 20 plus six. Nice. So you're all sitting in like... Well, can anyone beat a 26? That's the thing.

Sorry, I didn't mean to bulldoze. Does a four beat a 26? No. Kind of, yeah. Dan, let me ask you again. Does this four beat a 26? No. Yeah, I don't know why I bull why i both i try never to bulldoze uh what have i done i'm i'm weird today so you guys get a 26 and perception via jelf yeah like you think you hear some it's like far away up on deck it echoes down the stairs that

go into the sleeping quarters and down the hallway to the end where you guys are staying. It sounds like someone screams. Uh-oh. A person? Yeah, one singular voice seems to echo Jelf, and you relay this to everyone.

Does it seem like... Alright. Should we... Hey, I just heard a scream upstairs oh no uh maybe we should uh uh be uh does somebody want to go up and check it out how does the guard react i do um he hears you talking he he didn't hear it so he's he's he's kind of like you can go check it out i mean we're about to we're about to dock hey can i ask you friend are there things that you are good at i'm gonna go check upstairs while you think about that um he he sort of stares into the middle distance for a second, trying to figure out how bad of an

insult that just was. Well, you nudge past him, Danny, and open the door and start heading down the hall. Do you guys all follow Danny? Or are you going to let Danny scout? Yep. Yeah, I'm going to go with. Oh.

Yeah, I'll follow. I'll give the guard a little like, we're all just friends. Way to be consistent. I guess we don't want to split up i don't know i love when you guys split the party guys you say i can i can stay there but it's fine well i guess if we all want to go we all want to go let's tromp on up oh i'll start do we want someone to stay guard of the statue we got the statue how about me and i'll stay with the statue no i'll me and two? I'll stay with the statue. No, I'll stay. Yeah, I'll stay. We'll stay. Okay. So, 2D, Iva, you're staying.

Jelf, Danny, and Nathan are heading up. Yeah. Yeah. You guys walk down the hallway. Long hallway. It seems a little windy. You walk up the stairs and onto the deck where you notice there seems to be a body being thrown off the side of the deck by two of the Vestan guards.

No. The elves? Is the person alive? No, these are human guards. And they're throwing a dead body over? Yeah, they're throwing a dead body over? Yeah, they're throwing a dead body over. I would like to remind the players of what happened when we threw a body overboard.

Yeah, we got kicked off, right? No, we chummed the water basically for a giant turtle to come and destroy the boat, and that's how we got... Oh, that's right. Shipwrecked in the first place. Shit, okay. But we're close to docking, the other guy just said. The three of you who are on deck,

you see the docks in the distance. You feel like it's going to take maybe another 15, 20 minutes. Okay. Let's stop these guys, right? Should we see what they're doing? We should intervene. We see what they're doing. Yeah, they're like mid-toss

and about 50 feet away. I mean, are you guys going to dash and try and grab the body? Sure. And maybe call out? Hold on there. Hold on there. All right. Jelf, Danny, can I get an athletics check?

Nathan, can I get a persuasion check? Persuasion. 12 plus 1, 13. Okay. 16, 13 plus 3. 21 for persuasion. Nice. Nice.

Jelf, Danny, you get real close. Danny, you're like diving, but it just feels like you're not going to quite, you're going to miss it by just like a fingernail. Nathan, what do you call out with this uh over 20 persuasion check just uh hold on there don't throw anyone overboard please may we have a word so they they turn like as soon as they start hearing your voice call out across the deck and they kind of like, like half, like, like pull back at the same time, the body, just as it's like thudding against the side of the boat.

And so Danny and Jelf, you reach out as they sort of pull back from Nathan's cry and you all just kind of thud against each other and they drop the body on the deck. Oh, cool. Uh, you shouldn't chum. You'll attract. Oh, cool. You shouldn't chum. You'll attract monsters.

We've had something similar happen. Listen, we got to get rid of this body. ASAP. Why don't you wait till we get to the docks right there in 15 minutes? You guys look down and you see it's the body

of one of those elves. Oh, dear. Did something happen? Did it slip and fall accidentally? guys look down and you see it's the body of one of those elves oh dear oh they're getting something happen did it slip and fall accidentally yeah yeah that's the ticket well now i'm oh sorry no go ahead i was gonna say are they uh uh are they trying to kill the elves is it i mean it's an undead elf you bring it back to life and smother it? Do they seem like they're rebelling against these elves? Is that the vibe? So they tell you their hope was to get rid of these guards before they go to Vestin.

They're leaving the dock and making a beeline for Vestin as soon as they drop you guys off. And so they assassinated both of the elven guards. One of them was like stuffed in a storeroom and this one they were going to throw over deck because they just killed it on the deck and they don't have time to hide it well maybe just discreetly hide your murder when we're at dock dock. Just throw it overboard there, not here.

Hmm. We don't want the elves at the dock to see us throw one of their own off the side of the boat. Totally makes sense, bruh. But listen, monsters here will eat your face. Wait, elves at the dock?

I'm not up there. Did we stay down with the... Alright, alright. Classic Gazzardo. face wait elves at the I'm not up there did we did we stay down with the all right all right classic is our dough um yeah classic me following the plot threads and trying to make sense of that I'm trying I'll pull my carrot wand and cast

message and sort of whisper to Ivo what's going on. Who shares with Tootie? Sure. I'll say to these guys, if you, are you killing all these undead elves

just to maybe protect yourselves? Yep. There's only two of them on the boat. We took them out. We just gotta erase the evidence before we dock. So it's only two of them on the boat we took them out we just gotta erase the evidence before we dock so it's only gonna be about 10 minutes we're right it's right there uh iva you did want to message something back now you have the you can message back oh i can message him back yeah yeah yeah message is lovely that way um did he say there were going to be elves at the dock that we're going to in Flasicola?

That would be new for us, right? Yes. In our timeline. How many elves do you think we would expect on the dock? Quite a bit. Who are these elves working for? Oh, the Archlich of Vendaria. But locally, is there sort of like a baron lich or anything around?

There is a baron, yes. No, the Archlich is, of course, back in Cloddenheim. You should be glad you're not there. Of course. So who's in charge here of the elves? This very strange man is very secretive. Someone named Baron Amalegda. I will share that with the group.

Amalegda. Mm-hmm. We killed him. Amalegda. Amalegda. We killed him in our alternate timeline. And I know from mentions on the internet that apparently you guys knew this guy in season one also. But we killed him in this.

I love Ken's reaction to that. Ken's reaction like, what? Never heard of such a thing. I remember from earlier, but not from way earlier. I smoke a lot of pot. I don't remember any of this. Yeah, I can't help with that. But I can help with

the fact that we did kill him earlier in this season, and apparently he's back and better than ever. Awesome. That's Baron. Hmm. So you're not going to wait then? Uh, I mean, we

I guess we can hustle him into the storeroom, but we're worried people are going to come out of the quarters as we go down the hall with the body, so we're just trying to do the most efficient thing here. Maybe just hang here, and then as we get close to the dock, dump it. To be fair, we did dump the first body very close to the dock, too, and then I think the turtle just followed us.

I think we dumped the body before very close to the dock too. And then I think the turtle just followed us. I think we, in fact, I think we dumped the body before we'd even left the dock. But you know what? If you don't mind being responsible for the death of hundreds of refugees, and I guess you can just stop trying to argue with him about it, but can you, can we help? Here, I'm going to, I'm going to tell Tootie. I'm just going to run.

I'm just going to dash upstairs for a moment and try to offer my services, my stealth services, to hide this body for them. Tootie, you're briefly alone with the guard and goes, So, you like saunas? Saunas? Right, steam room? Right. Steam room? Yeah.

You know, as warriors, we gotta blow off some steam. I like a nice fitz. Ivo, you get up on top of the deck while Tootie is content to stay downstairs,

I guess. Yes, I'm gonna, I'm guarding the statue. Put that statue down there. Alright, Ava, you're up on the deck. As you pound up the stairs as fast as you can.

I mean, stealth, I'm being quiet. Oh, are you? Yeah, naturally. First of all, because I'm tiny. Second of all, because I'm a rogue. Third of all, because I'm smart. Because I say so. Fifth of all because i'm tiny second of all because i'm a rogue third of all because i'm smart oh because i say so fifth of all you have to roll stealth check now oh no well i rolled a four but no no no where's i have a plus nine, so that's a thirteen. Oh! That's not too shabby. Yeah, I mean,

stealthily as you can, without tripping over your shoelaces, get up onto the deck. Okay, I let them know that I've been informed what's going on, and I'm here to help them stealthily hide the body for now. Perhaps I'll go back down and keep 2D company.

Unless you think I'll be of help up here. All right. Definitely, I got a weird vibe from that guy. Go back down there for sure. All right, so I'll go back down. Nathan, you go back down into the room and you come in and they're talking about going to the sauna and whether or not it's classy to disrobe right away. I will quietly fold my arms.

You wouldn't understand. You got fur. All right. Yes. Zutty, are you good? Does he like the pilot in Airplane? You wouldn't understand. You got fur. All right, yes. Zooty, are you good? Is he like the pilot in Airplane? No. Have you seen a grown man naked?

How do you feel about laps? Iva, Jelf, Danny, are you going to help the guards get this body in the storeroom? Jelf, Danny, Iva said she would. Are you two doing it, or are you going to help the guards get this body in the storeroom Jelf Danny Iva said she would are you two doing it or are you doing something else you want to go back in the room and

help watch the demon lord yeah I'll help these guys get the I'll look out for other people while these guys drag this body back the hallway sort of keep my eye out for passengers other people while these guys drag this body back the hallway. I'll just sort of, uh,

awesome. Yeah. Great. My eye, keep my eye out for passengers. Uh, Danny, what are you up to? Um,

where's Blaine going? Blaine's going to help Ivan. The two guards hide the body in a storeroom. Okay. I'll stay up here. Yeah. Stay up on deck? Yeah.

Okay. So between the four of you, because there's Jelf, Iva, and the two guards, you're able to kind of surround the body pretty well. So you don't have to roll even. There's enough of you. You get the body down. At one point, you think you see someone peek out of a door iva to see what's going on but you're pretty confident that jelf and one of the guards in the back are

blocking the view and then nothing looks suspicious by the time the door creaks open oh i can cast a minor illusion to make it look like a it's five feet it has to be five feet i don't know how big this elf is but um okay to make him look like to make it look like it has to be five feet. I don't know how big this elf is. Okay. To make it look like we're carrying a chest, a trunk of some kind. You say you can, but would you like to? I would love to. Let's do it.

May you. I do it. You feel even more confident that nobody sees you as you get the body back into the storeroom and they they open the door and they're like all right so the hay over there there's a body under the hay over there maybe we open this this crate of seed we're gonna spoil the seed but we'll put it in the seed and we'll tell the rest

of the guards don't open don't eat this seed it's bad seed it's got an undead body in it yeah you all stuff it in there and Danny please roll a perception check okay um 17 14 plus 3 i think i mentioned it but i've gone full uh dnd beyond on this game the last couple of months i don't think i pulled my tray out of uh the shelf over there

it's very useful i like it a lot yeah me too yeah i i like that you can like go back and see what dice rolls where like you can't with roll 20. It's super handy. But roll 20 is fancy because you get those little 3D dice on D&D Beyond. So, Danny, you see a bunch of Vestan guards are starting to come up onto the deck. They've all got that sort of greenish metallic armor with green tabards over it. And before you're just starting to pull the dock you think you see um about like at least a like a dozen elven guards and a couple of them start like walking away farther into the city but there's two in particular at the end of the dock that that have their sort of arms folded waiting for the boat to dock and they're shaking their heads like they're not

expecting to see a boat today okay but those are the only guys that clock that are paying attention to us yes okay um they uh they dock the boat they throw a rope around it, and people get a little confused. You hear some voices in the hallway. They didn't think they were going to stop at Flays of Kola. They thought the whole boat was making a beeline to Veston, and there wasn't an announcement that they were making a special exception for you guys because you bought your way into this little short trip.

When you hear the docking noises, another Vesting guard comes down in the storeroom and tries to hustle jelf and iva up to the deck and just be like okay you gotta get out and they knock on the door and they go where are we gonna take a little skiff like a little uh boat boat yeah dinghy yeah we talked about that but um i had i mean that's what we we can we can hit a classic nerd poker rewind but i'm not positive that's what we agreed to. We can hit a classic nerd poker rewind. I'm not positive. That's what I had suggested.

And they were like, how would we get the boat back? And I was like. First, let's pause. And I have in my notes that you guys talked about it, but decided against it. But I do remember you doing a persuasion check against the captain to try to get him to do it. I just don't have in my notes. I remember they were going to charge us as if we were docking. And then there was a conversation about the money. Okay.

But I don't know if I actually don't remember whether, but I thought that that's what we decided, but I could be wrong about that. So. All right. So to me, let's say that happens. It makes sense.

You guys wanted it, or at least a couple of you want it. You guys all think that sounds like a good idea. Sure. Yeah. Yes. One of them was sounds like a good idea? Sure. Yeah. Yes. One of them was me too. So do I.

Oh, scooter. It'll take some very, very mild timeline scrubbing, not 15 years worth, just about 10 minutes. So yeah, you guys,

as you start to see the dock in the distance, um, you, you all get gathered by the guards. They they they ask you to take a dinghy off the side of the boat a little lifeboat uh towards the shore um you all get in yes yeah and then one of them was going to come with us to return the boat that was right and a different guard not the the one who's hostile towards beast folk gets in with you guys and starts rowing um once he feels like he's about to be within the eye line of the the piers he's like all right it's

time for a swim with our statue a witch what did you talk about a swim i'm not going to that dock why I don't want to die why would you die I just don't want to die who is this what do you see on the dock that makes you think you're in danger I know what's on that dock I've heard what's on that dock you can tell this guy's nuts

I will look at the dock you see this is where we'll pull out Danny's perception check. You see there's like about a dozen guards. Some of them are walking farther into the city, but there's two on the dock who look, they've got their arms aren't folded. They're not like sassily shaking their heads, but they are clearly talking to each other

because they're guarding the pier. And this guy doesn't want to get spotted. I would like to catch sleep on him. You can't sleep on the guard? Yes. All right. This is the guy we threw in the drink before, right? No, different guy.

We can roll him in. Roll ourselves in. All right. Roll. It's dice to see how many hit points. Or it's a hit dice his hit dice it's against his hit dice someone called me out on this i rolled 5d8 it says okay that's how many points it can affect okay so let's see uh dice eight sided three four five roll didn't do anything

oh there it goes 44 hey he goes I don't want to die I don't want to mommy and he falls asleep on the boat he has managed to grab the oars just as

they're about to slide off the sides of it alright let's grab the oars and row ourselves in we want to row into shore and not the dock yes good idea why don't you all roll a perception check to try and find an ideal spot to dock

great 6-6-12 nice all roll a perception check to try and find an ideal spot to dock. Great. 6-6-12. Nice. 21. Perception. That's good. 15. 8. All right. 19.

Ooh, close. It was very good, but we're going to go with that 21, of course. So you guys are all kind of looking quickly around, see where you can go. Iva, you feel like there's a, looks like a sea cave, kind of sticking up over the sand a little bit to the east. The way the sea cave is facing, you feel like you could maybe go pretty deep into it.

And also it's facing towards the city. You're not sure what that means exactly, but it could be good. Other than that, you guys have a hard time. You're scanning the beach. You see mostly a rocky beach, a couple of little sandy spots, but there's civilization close to it

and sort of overlooks where you feel like if there's guards there they'll see you pretty quick wait i sarah just remembered agatha did we just never find her she's gone forever agatha is currently not present tragic well i hope that i get to see her again she was too far away for me to whistle to her or something where is she there's a there's a fog bank and you sent her to go to a boat. But then she went to the boat and dropped off the thing. What? Oh, I thought she was in a tree, but then she went to the boat.

She had gone to the boat and then she was in a tree and couldn't find us. Nathan is a... I projected my face above the fog and everything and she never found me. Oh, right. Nathan can scry to see where she is. Certainly. Maybe, do we want... we don't have to right now i just i just suddenly remembered i sarah remembered okay we're going into a sea cave what's in there i bet a horrible monster let's go so you guys paddle um who's on paddle duty? There's one pair like one person can row

I think that really should be You put him to sleep so I definitely think that's on you. I'll row it What do you want? Athletics? Yep, I'm going to want an athletics check of 15, please Oh, you've got to be kidding me Never tell me odds

4 plus 7. 7 bonus oh you gotta be kidding me never tell me odds four plus seven seven bonus i have a seven bonus all right and i got 11 enough unfortunately yeah you do catch a riptide um it's a bit difficult you start heading out towards the end you take a level of exhaustion 2d oh you've managed to steer farther away from the docks without getting too much farther out to see so you're kind of pointed towards it but you notice like you start to make an angle away from the cave a little bit someone help i'm tired yeah let's see i'll jump on one of these oars you want to split them up or something i mean i'm not strong i think he said it has to be one person so who is the strongest?

Yeah, it's not a very big boat. It's a lifeboat. So someone just sits in the middle and works the two oars. I have an eight strength. It should be Danny, probably. Yeah, I'll try it. Danny, let's get an athletics check. 15, 12 plus three oh yeah you managed to get the boat a little bit uh past this riptide and sure enough you get closer to the sea cave it's a little intimidating this sea cave it's large larger

than probably you expected from a distance but as you get closer it starts to loom there's uh some large boulders at the mouth of the cave, and you feel like there's at least a small alcove where you could set up a camp inside, and it might go deeper. Do you guys shore up? Okay. I think so.

Yeah, we just want to get out. This sea cave isn't canceled, is it? Like, Louis' sea cave isn't this sea cave isn't cancelled is it like Louis C cave Brian I'm coming over there yeah my wife is here in the background where was I you guys Brian are you all right?

I don't remember the last half hour of my life. You weren't steaming up the mirror. Who am I? Who am I? I grew up having you a poisoned Big Mac. You can just get one at that McDonald's. The sea cave is canceled, but it's still getting to work With a lot of well known

Other caves Despite the fact that It seems like it should be chased out of It's career path forever I was disappointed with the apology Let's just move on It's actually a Sea Zeekly

Oh boy Can I get out of this boat? It's actually a CZ-Klee. Oh, boy. Can I get out of this boat? No, we're... By boat, you mean this podcast, right? Yeah. No, I mean the boat. I mean the boat. I'm not going to spend the rest of my life

sitting in this fucking boat. The Castaway Cuevies shore up their lifeboat. We just saw some of Ken daly's acting chops come out reminds me of a shamrock shake commercial i saw when i was a very small boy um yeah big mac davis you all get out of the the dinghy and kind of pull it all the way on the shore right and then there's this vest and guard just kind of going like I think we wake him up and let him go back. Come on, get it, buddy.

Dan? As far as the dinghy goes, can we stow it? Great joke. It's a fantastic joke. I did it for Ken. It's a stow it dinghy joke. It's Mel from Mel's Diner on Alice

And he would always say Stoic dinghy I'm gonna keep explaining it Ladies and gentlemen For the proof that Dr. Ewood Was based off of a specific character From television 60 years ago So Yeah you wake him up Tootie

You kind of slap his cheeks get him going Yeah yeah buddy What do you want? Yeah, you fell asleep You gotta get back to your boat It's been a long day We got all the way to the Oh, thanks for not going to the docks

Yeah, you go ahead and take that boat back Yeah, alright, well Thanks for your help Later He He starts heading back towards the boat yeah all right well later he uh he uh he starts heading back towards the boat all right

shall we explore the cave you see before you a sea cave we don't gotta let's do it now are there paths the sandy parts of the beach are pretty narrow and this cave is built into a rocky cliff face

you could try to swim to another beach or you could try to climb the cliff face or you can go into the caves I think we're gonna go into the cave probably climbing the cliff face personally but yeah okay what does everybody think I think we're going to go into the cave. Probably climbing the cliff face, personally. Yeah? Okay.

What does everybody think? Let's have a vote. Let's have a whole between episodes break to figure this out and find out on the next episode of Nerdy McPokes-a-Lot. Hey, Sam. Sarah made a face like she didn't like that last weird joke I tried to pull off. What did you think happened today?

Episode 74. Someone's talking shit to us on a boat again. We didn't throw him overboard, though. We went deeper in the boat to the pale elf level. Ken giggled. Ken giggled like he had heard the term date paste for the first time. And we determined that we can't go back to our old timeline.

We interrupted an elf being thrown overboard. And I am loving this flirty sauna guards energy. I want him and TikTok to meet. Brian's question helped me a lot. And I'd like to request in every episode, at least one character says, so what's our goal? We are smuggling a body and rut row. There's two guards on the pier we're

going to take a dinghy to a sea cave and tootie is exhausted but so very brave and dan i wanted to let you know i know exactly what you mean i remember once we went in high school we went from milwaukee to chicago to see unearth play and we're while we were at the show one of my friends got super drunk and passed out in the car and on the way back we stopped for gas show, one of my friends got super drunk and passed out in the car. And on the way back, we stopped for gas. And it's one of my favorite memories. We were inside paying for the gas and he walked in very drunk. And he heard the guy behind the counter with that confusing Southern voice go, Oh, so y'all were at a concert?

And my friend goes, How long was I drunk asleep? Did you drive me to the South? I'm sick of this shit. And ran out. As a prank, he thought we drove him to like Kentucky or like that was a prank the south that's a hell of a prank

he was just from Wilmington Illinois that's great unearthed great band live yeah yeah cool uh Dan I sure hope you guys have checked out the dragon prince on Netflix Unearthed, great band, live, yeah, yeah. Cool. Dan? I sure hope you guys have checked out The Dragon Prince on Netflix.

If you haven't yet, I have written a massive amount of lore for that show that will be coming out with their game handbook. It's been adapted to tabletop role-playing games. There's already a couple of free game stories that I wrote on their website. And the rules primer to give you enough rules to play is there to Tales of Zadia dot com. That's T.A.L.E.S.O.F.X.A.D.I.A. dot com.

And that's all for me, folks. What's going on in y'all's necks of the woods is I have. I'm in Portland with Johnny Taylor coming up at Helium in two weeks. I think the 17th. Let me look at the date there. But tour dates on Brian Poussain dot com. And then I've got Denver coming up in Indianapolis and Fort Wayne all next month, all in February and March.

Rad. I'm trying to still pull up. What is the date? I've never seen Fort Wayne and Batman in the same room, by the way. I don't know if anybody. I've never seen Fort Wayne and Batman in the same room I don't know if anybody And then I've got

Some stuff coming through Image, that 420 book You can pre-order it right now The secret history Of the war against marijuana 17th through the 19th Is when I'm in Portland

I'm looking forward to that. I haven't been to Portland in over two years now, obviously. Oh, man. But one of my favorite cities. Blaine? Oh, Stacy Keech and I went back in time to kill baby Hitler,

but we got the address wrong and killed Babe Ruth, so we have to go back in time and fix some stuff. Oh, gee. Well, we're going to be gone for like two months, but for you guys, it'll be like 10 seconds. It's wild. It's crazy wild.

I can't believe those addresses got that fucked up, yeah. That seems like quite a leap. Okay. He also bludgeoned the three musketeers. Wow. But aren't they? Okay, never mind. Aren't they made up?

Hey, we appreciate your listenage. Thanks for listening to another episode of Nerd Poker. You can follow us at patreon.com slash nerdpoker, and you get bonus episodes from there. And you can also send us anything at P.O. Box 16069, Encino, California, 91416. Thanks for listening.