Nerd Poker - S4E77 Subterranean Smackdown

Episode Date: March 1, 2022

The Castaway Cuties start to realize just how deep they might be in over their heads, as cave creatures begin to swarm them and party members start getting chewed on. How hard was that cliff to climb again?

Hey everybody, I'm Brian Poussin, Comedian, writer, actor, nerd. I've been playing D&D with my friends for a long time. I decided to do a new podcast where we play Dungeons & Dragons in my very own dining room. With my wife, kid, and my noisy dogs. So meet my friends... Sarah Kev Dan

Blaine Chris Now it's time for another episode of Brian Pussain's Nerd Poker. Season 4. Hey, everybody. I'm Brian Pussain, and you're listening to Brian Pussain's Nerd Poker, Episode 77. My friends are here. Look at them.

Look at them, I said. You heard me. Look at them. They're delightful. Ken's here. Look at them. Look at them, I said. You heard me. Look at them. They're delightful. Ken's here. Hi, look at me. Hey, buddy. What do you think? Sarah's here. Hello. Hello. Blaine is here.

I'm in.75x. It's Blaine, you guys. Let's see. Chris is here. Impossible to follow that, Brian. Hello, pal. Hi, how are you?

I'm good, man. How are you? Good. Thank you. Good. And Dan is here, you guys. Hey, boss. Hey, pal.

And keeping it all together. It's Sam, everyone. Hello, sweet children. Hey, boss. Hey, pal. And keeping it all together. It's Sam, everyone. Hello, sweet children. Hey, man. Are you wearing a sweater? What is that? I am wearing a sweater. Nice.

I want to make sure I look nice today for the game. If you want to tell me I look nice, now would be the time. You look great. Thanks, guys. I'd like to think of a burn about your hair but roads isn't here to write my material i missed that stop the insanity but he was real nice the last night you know burns 12 year old 12 year old roads isn't his cutting for some reason he's no eight and nine year old when people use that phrase we used to be a proper country i'm i mean that when he used

to make fun of me right to my face that's what i miss the most yeah nothing like a little fucking kid just giving you a hard time for no reason who's as tall as you and then walking away yeah he's going to his room to do some shit yes to do cooler stuff near being a nerd in his house yeah uh anyway dan you got some people you want to thank for us on our behalf i will you guys if you can support us on patreon

it's fucking amazing and we love you for it we're gonna go ahead and shout out the folks who are at the hay boss and stargoyle tears they go by usernames like this supporter was brought to you by vernon fells redacted redacted oh thank you thank you the almighty gravity slayer of amarthamon keeping boots on the ground since god only knows wow nice thank you jonathan meyer it's jonathan you, the dulcet tones of Blaine's eastern Pennsylvania accent describing the local traffic conditions.

Take a look at that Jones Falls Expressway coming up after the break, hon. Oh, God. Thank you, Sir Richard's infected hand. Thank you. Thank you, Jeremy Rossman. Thanks, Jeremy. Thank you, Panthro Jeremy Rossman. Thank you, Jeremy. Thank you, Panthro's Bulge. Thanks, BB.

Thank you, ZerkBoyDark. Thank you. Thank you, Sam Gibson. Thank you, Bixi Tinkertonk. Thank you. Thank you, FatDannyPalladino. We are. Thank you, DoomVault. Thank you, Fat Danny Paladino. We know.

Thank you, Doom Vault. Thank you, Halium. Thank you, Corpus Callisum. Yeah, thanks, you see. Thank you, Nathan's Rabbity Boy Parts. A lot of genitals. Chris, you draw those references. I can't explain it.

Every character seems to be a sort of gravity well for these jokes. Ever since I was a kid. Oh, I don't like that. Thanks, The Fake Vince. Thanks, Sam's Peck Sin Paws. Thank you, Dan Dan's Damn Damn Jam Band. Thank you. Thanks, Toblerone Jones. Thank you. Thanks Toblerone Jones.

Thanks. Thanks Twas Agatha All Along. Where is Agatha? I wonder. Multiverse of Madness. Thank you Glenn Head Crash Sugden. Thank you B50

Poos aka Aeternum Dave. Thank you Jim Janine. Thanks Dave. Thank you Jim Thanks, Scott. Thank you, B50 Poos, a.k.a. Aeternum Dave. Thank you, Jim Janine. Thanks, Dave. Thank you. Thanks, Jim Janine. Thanks, Brian Stopp. Thanks. Thanks, Reverend Ian Lawless Moth.

Thank you. Thanks, Snagglefruits. Thanks, Hacks. Thanks. Thank you, Eric Payne. Thank you, Flea47. Thank you, Douglas Calabrese or Calabrese. No one ever can tell me that one thank you jeremiah's sacrilicious waffles doodick thank you terry and billy spin off

thank you it's terfluten blaine not flute duckin and six one finally thank you terry snacks they're like scooby snacks but they're just new ports with the filters ripped off and a whole banana hey blaine who are those brought to us by? Dan, they're brought to us by the Spencer's Gifts Big, big blooper blooper sale sale at Spencer's Gifts Tits with a toothbrush Happy libs Fluorescent Eddie Dees and fuck position posters

And a pet fart that shits itself It's all in the back, off the van At the Spencer, Spencer, Spencer Gifts, Gifts, Spencer gives gives gives big big big blooper blooper blooper sale Dan what was the fucking Eddie Deason thing? With like a black light poster of sex positions with Eddie with Eddie Deason. And it's flocked. It has like the black fuzz on it.

Hey, the amount of listeners that know who Eddie Deason is without looking it up, put your hands up. The amount of cast members? Fair. He was in Long Shot with Tim Conway. That ought to clear it up. 1942 also. I'm the Tim Conway. That ought to clear it up. 1942 also.

I'm the Tim Conway. 1941 also. War Games. Mad Mad World. Was he in Mad Mad World? I've seen a lot of these. I just didn't. That was... You know a movie I had never seen that I watched this week for the very first time?

Midnight Run. Oh! I had never seen it, somehow. Yeah, I loved it. I mean, I already loved Charles Grodin, so... And it might be my favorite thing I've ever seen Robert De Niro do, which I know is a weird thing to say, but...

No, it's a great movie. He's at the top of his game, then. It's before he started phoning it in. Yeah, for sure. It's a classic. I agree. It's fun. Yeah. in yeah for sure it's a classic i agree it's fun yeah yeah sometimes i really love a classic movie that like isn't a 2019 movie that is expressing hubris for what to come or like a 2021 movie that is in complete denial of what is currently going on like i love a nice like 1970s this was like time traveling to the 80s this was like an awesome like way to spend it you know

great script with like Saturday night but I realize that makes me sound really lame but it was but everybody's funny in it too like every other part it's so well cast John Fett Kodo yeah amazing yeah isn't Joey Pants in that too

yeah Dennis Kucinich That's amazing. Yeah. Isn't Joey Pants in that too? Yeah. Yeah, yeah. Dennis. Kucinich. Kucinich is great. He's really good. You know, I had never seen The Princess Bride. Oh.

And I watched it with Oliver on Saturday. Yeah, I heard you guys did that. I wanted to. So did you like. He loved it. You had heard those references your whole life, I heard you guys did that. I wanted to... So, did you like... He loved it. But you had heard those references your whole life, right? Right. I knew. And I had seen bits and pieces of it. I had

never seen the whole... Just one of those things I'd just never seen. But inexplicable. It was wonderful. But you'd heard all that stuff. Inexplicable. You'd heard Anybody Want a Peanut and all that. Yeah. All the stuff. Yeah.

Wow. But it was great. That's a movie I wish I could watch again. I saw the movie, I think, 11 times in the theaters when it came out. I mean, I was a kid. Every time it got really wimpy for the kissy stuff, Oliver would hold a sweater over his eyes. He's like, I don't want to see the kissing.

Ew, gross. And as soon as he got like that, they would cut to Fred Savage and Peter Falk. Like, they knew the exact timing of a real kid. Every time they cut to Savage and Falk, it was when Oliver would get really

like, this is weird. I don't like this. And then they would cut, it was uncanny. Anyway, sorry, we'll cut all this out. Rhodes always yells movie kiss whenever characters kiss. He goes, movie kiss. And then you kiss him. He winces, it's very cringy. Yeah, Rhodes still doesn't love it either.

12 is kind of, he's friends with girls, but it's still not, you know, it's not like cooties like we were he has to make a big deal about telling you I remember that age you like wince but you also like take out a little notebook and like take notes ew this is disgusting

this is horrible something really nice bought dinner okay he's gonna have herpes in college before we know it. Jesus, man. They grow up so fast. Thanks. Well, speaking of growing up so fast, it's time to talk about how the Castaway Cuties grew up.

Last time on Nerd Poker, the Castaway Cuties went in a cave and they fucked up a cave bear made of magma. Now there's some big cave dogs running after them. One of them is currently engaged, trying to shred up Iva, and there is more howling from deeper in the caves. Also, where's Agatha? We take you to the Castaway Cutie's already in progress.

So we are currently in turn order, I believe coming up on Caspia because Sarah just went. Does that sound about right to y'all? Sounds correct to me. Sarah, you just stabbed the magma bear to death in the jaw or the eyeball. I can't remember.

Yeah, the eyeball. Thank you for telling me where you stabbed a magma cave bear no problem he spelled out something with his tears his yeah i forget what it was something awesome i'm sure right now it just says something awesome in lava on the floor uh so you guys are engaged with this but yeah like, like... Some dead bear. I get it. I get it, too. It's pronounced Berenstein. So you guys are now hearing more howling coming from deeper in the cave.

And as you've noticed from the map, part of this goes all the way around and back and stops. So it looks like currently the only way out of this is to the southwest where the howling is coming from or the way you came um however there is reason to believe uh more could happen in the southwest it doesn't necessarily mean the southwest is full of cave dogs but these cave dogs are really fucking terrifying they uh they're they're they're fucked up they've they've got like big rocky things on their backs and on top of their heads that helps them blend into the cave and they their eyes are

like in these little tiny holes in rocky outcroppings on their head and they've got massive claws spiked tails it's uh creepy shit jeez great and i think if you zoom in on the roll 20 map you can see it but uh here i will tech i'd rather not okay i'm gonna text you guys a close-up of it anyway just because i think it's amusing no so i'm gonna have cospia where is she on the map so she's right on the other side of that magma bear and she's feeling pretty brave i just have to stop clicking on the wrong thing and leaving her dnd beyond page okay me trying to run a character that's a real joke okay you do she is dan looking for this is brought to you by wonder bread where is it okay that's it um yeah she's gonna cast acid splash on that dog oh uh one of her new spells she just learned as a level one wizard

so this means she hurls bubble of acid. She's one or two creatures within range. It's just the one dog for now. Target must exceed dexterity saving throw. So it's going to attempt that. It rolled a seven plus four. It's an 11 and it had to be a 13. Whoopsie doodle.

Okay. So this is going to be a 13. Whoopsie doodle. Okay. So this is going to be not a ton of damage. Takes a point of damage. And could have been worse. She's disappointed. But at the same time, looking forward to trying that out more. Actually, no, wait.

It's supposed to be one more. Just six points of damage. Gotta get used to these spells for an NPC. That's gonna end her turn and take us to the Hound, which is definitely going for Iva, who is right in front of it. Great. Sorry, Iva. To what he brings to the table.

Iva, look out! He's gonna try to bite you oh boy he's got big fangs it's creepy he botched i knew it botched um so roll high roll high he's got crumpled up bits of rock from that sort of pillar i had you scenically hiding behind. And that's going to be real fun for him to accidentally chew on. Yes. Okay, rolled a 61. He's going to clamp down hard about three inches to your right, Iva,

on a big piece of this sort of weird blue gravity rock that, when it's on the ground, sometimes sucks you down, at least when it's surrounded by acid. Just weird rock. And two of his fangs just crack and pop right off, and he takes a healthy chunk of damage. Mm-hmm.

Yeah, he's not pleased. Next, we've got Chris. What's going on in Nathan's neck of the enchanted forest? Nathan, the last round, had cast Witch Bolt against this thing. Aha, yes. And so there is a continuous arc of lightning between the tip of his rod and the creature. between the tip of his rod and the creature. So I get to, again, roll 3d12 to try and hopefully smoke this guy.

Kids, if you're looking for a Patreon name, tip of Nathan's rod. Tip of Nathan's rod. Jeez Louise. Oh, okay, that's better. Seven and four. So 11 and then two. 13. Dan, and then two. 13, Dan. 13 lightning damage.

All right. He takes it and it's not in stride. He's starting to get really irritated by his lack of progress. He was really hoping to get a nice, soft, chewy meal. And it's not going great for him. Good job. Anything else you'd like to move around or do? No, I think I feel pretty good where I am. Thank you, though.

You're welcome. Ken, it's time for Tootie to take his turn. Toot toot toot sounds. I'm going to cast aid on Danny, Iva, and Blaine. Okay. So that raises each of your hit points by five. Oh, awesome. Wow. So that raises each of your

hit points by five. Oh, awesome. Wow. Thank you. You guys got a healer in your party. How nice is that? There is a space for temporary hit points on D&D Beyond. It also raises your hit points if you want, beyond

your maximum. Oh, I like it. Yeah. Cool. That's pretty sweet. if you want, beyond your maximum. Oh, I like it. Cool. That's pretty sweet. How long does that last for, Ken? The duration. Whatever that means, yeah. Last longer than four rounds gets like...

It just says for eight hours. Jeez! Nice. Damn. Stamina. I think you're going to be glad you did that, given that this combat looks like it's going to go on for a little bit longer. Eight hours long? Mm-hmm.

Yeah. Yes. Man. Yes, eight hours. We're not climbing the side of a boat. There's still time. Who could forget? All right.

That sounded fun. Anything you're going to do, Ken, movement-wise? You're pretty far from the action, so... No, I'm going to heal myself a little bit while I'm at it. Okay. You want to tell us for how many points? From my pool. 20 points.

So you're getting back up there. Yeah, nice. You fell on some acid, so I'm sure you can... I did. I was injured. And then you had a fucking bear bite your dick off. My dick off? Oh, God.

I didn't know that happened. He bit you. I think we would have talked about that. Which guy did you roll for an F? As a standard thing, if a monster bites you, that's what's happening. It's always a dick. Oh, okay. I just wanted to see what it was saying.

So Ida really is... All good. Now we're all good. Ida, you actually... That means you always a default. Oh, okay. I just wanted to So Ida really is All good. All good. Now we're all good. You actually that means you take no damage. Yeah. Yeah.

Does that mean when we attack we're always trying to bite somebody's dick off? I would like to retcon my joke. All right. The way Dan plays it. Look, this is Dan's world. We're just living in it.

All right. Just just living in it. Alright. Just seeming at it. Honk, honk, chuga. Blaine, it would be the bear's turn, but he dead. Your turn. Oh, wasn't I... The last thing I did, I remember I shot down into the stone dog, right?

You shot an exploding arrow into the stone dog from your perch up atop a shelf of rocks. Can I, uh, can I attempt to, uh, to keep shooting into the spot where the explosion took place? Yeah, but do a quick insight check. Uh. I'm gonna say no. Okay.

A three plus six, nine. You vaguely remember a consequence last time you shot an arrow down. Huh. Oh, I think it went off near some people, right? Well, I'm not going to use any more exploding arrows. I'm just going to use straight on into the dog back thing. I'm not going to bite anyone's dick off about it, but it did hit me.

I'm not biting any dicks off about it. Bit your dick off last time. So that's a 23 and a 23. Those are definitely two hits. Dicks will be bitten. I can think of a new name instead of the Castaway Cuties. Yes.

7 plus 4, 11, 12. Dick like boobies. So 12 and 6, 18. nice yeah he howls angrily he's getting pretty fucked up pretty fast good i've been there man yeah you're right buddy oh man don't even get me started we're watching the right stuff too what a weird coincidence. All right. Your turn, Brian.

Right. How far away is he? 10, 15 feet. Well, if you look at this thing, he's, yeah, Caspia's between the two of you, and I'll use the ruler on roll 20. He's about 15 feet. I'm going to hit him with the crossbow. Do it. Roll to attack.

Will you kill him? 23. 17 plus 6. That's such a hit. All right. Top of the billboards with that one Seven in damage Alright He's hating it

I'm going to take another one right Sure Roll that damage Roll the attack and then the damage Attack's not going to hit. It's 11. 5 plus 6. So that is it.

Alright, well. You definitely hit him hard once and it'll bring us I raised an eyebrow and said hope it hurt. Nicely, as Danny would. This is when the howling gets close. You guys look to the southwest and notice,

coming up, there are a couple of unsavory-looking creatures running your way. And one of them is a little bit closer than the other um but they're pretty close they can't attack yet but uh you're definitely going to be noticing up next we've got Sarah. Okay. Yeah, I guess I'm just going to go ahead and swing my sword at the guy in front of me. Okay. Sorry, my kids are playing a very

loud game of keepy-uppy with a balloon, which they learned from Bluey. Another great program that you should watch if you haven't, if you have children, I guess. No, you might like it even if you don't have kids. It's really good. Okay, I'm swinging my sword. I can barely hear anything over the din.

Okay, that is a 13. That is a miss. Daniel. I won't apologize. I was distracted. Can I get a do-over? No. No tasty faxies? Afraid not. No. apologize i was distracted can i can i get a do-over no no tasty backsies afraid not

i used them all me too the end for me this time are you gonna stay wedged in the rocks there yeah okay up next is gonna be Caspia so she's not too excited about the smaller amount of damage so she's gonna go ahead and start stabbing her way out again hits. Okay. It's a miss. And I think that's all she gets. That's unfortunate.

Womp womp. Yeah, she's a one attack per action character. Up next, we've got hound number one hound number one uh notice it got poked near its eyeball and it's gonna go for cospia it is uh 16 to. That's a hit. This is going to be... It's hitting her with its claws, which is 2d6 plus 4. It's going to be... Ugh.

16 points of slashing damage for Cosmic. Double sixes. Yeah. That's some serious dick biting. And then, uh... Dick bite guess. It's gonna try and thwack it

thwack her with its spiky tail and that's it but she just can't that's a terrible shot a critical hit oh no oh no oh no

28 to hit you know what you should do rockin' in the sand run run to hit. This is... You know what you should do. Rocking in the sand. Come on. Run. Run. Okay. Ugh. Alright. So this is gonna be... Don't you kill her, Caspia.

19 points of bludgeoning damage. Oh my goodness. She is down. Oh boy. Up next. Is she dead? She's unconscious and bleeding. Up next we've got Hound number

3, which is going to run up and go for Iva. which is going to run up and go for, uh, I, uh, yeah, I have a, that's going to be an 11 to hit. I think that's miss. Yeah. Good. And then a 26 to hit. That's a hit. Okay. Um, also 19 points of bludgeoning damage as it swaps you with its tail

um one thing yes i was just trying to see um when i when an attacker you can see hits you with an attack i can use my reaction to have the attacks damage that's uncanny uncanny dodge yes

so i'm gonna do that i don't blame you and then that will take us around to chris's turn hey n, Nathan. Hello! Nathan will continue his, whatever, connection of electricity against that thing. Against that first hound. All right, so that's... Who just bludgeoned Caspian Conscious. Yeah, no kidding. So that's six and eight, 14.

Jeez, and a one. 15 points against that guy okay sounds good and that's witch bolt again yes yes cool doing some good damage all around you guys you're you're you're

contributing mightily. Up next, we've got Tootie. I'm going to drag Caspi away from that situation. All right. You can do that without attracting the tactic of opportunity. All right. So can you ping me where you want to drop Caspi and show me where you want to end up?

Yeah, like over here. Okay. Yeah. Like there? Yeah. Okay. And then can I heal her? Yes. I will heal her. Just tell me the points.

Hang on one second. And I will I'll give her 10 great what the hell I'll give her another 10 too

why don't we all give her 10 yeah you know what? We're all just going to do it. Is that how this works? You guys. I didn't know how to play. Hold on, hold on. Let me.

Yep, we did it. That's out of my lay on hands pool. Sounds good. She starts to rouse and is just like, thank you, my sweet baby. To me? Yeah, because you, my sweet baby. To me? Yeah, because you healed her. Oh. You're all her sweet babies.

Okay. Blaine, you're up. I'm up. Can I get another couple of shots into this thing I've been shooting at? Yes. I'll do that, please. 25. 25.

And an 18. Those are definitely two hits. 7 plus 4, 11. 1 plus 4, 5. So, 16. It's looking pretty rough you've got a lot of arrows stuck in its back and a couple between its rocky uh protection armor so natural armor you're uh you're shredding this lead one up but there are two more coming great you guys focused pretty exclusively on one to take it down first i i would have been assume uh yes stutter stutter anything else you'd like to do you're gonna stay up that perch

i'm gonna stay up here yes i'm gonna i'm keeping an eye on the approaching uh death dogs brian posain of the sarah silverman program it is is time for Danny to take his turn. That's still probably my favorite credit. One of them. You and AG too high in the car and you tried to start the car with a quarter is still the most amazing you've ever seen in my life. Dude. Jesus Christ, that's funny. There was some funny fucking shit

on that show. Oh, man. Yeah, good good times that one whole fart episode where we were uh gonna put a bomb in a cop's car that was brilliant too uh um that it gets you canceled these days yeah yeah yeah i hope it was all about understood i did a dumb look on my face it was all about farting in the car that's the bomb we're gonna drop in the cop's car and it was so stupid like all the jokes were stupid but it was still so smart and silly and fun um i will uh fire a crossbow. Do it. Crossbow bolts, I mean. Yes. Search in. Seek and destroy. Danny.

Danny. Danny. Let's see. That's so hard. Sorry, I got to move shit around to find my D&D page. There it is. Coming up after the nerd poker, stick around for a weekend with Donnie Iris. Nah.

I'll listen more after Nerd Poker. There we go. I think that's a hit. 14 plus 6. Sure is. 20. Yeah, there we go. Time to roll the damn dams.

Yeah. Four. Hey, Dan, can I Venmo you five bucks and never, ever, ever say that again? Yes. At Dan Telfer on Venmo, all listeners, if you want to send me money and say I can't say something again, I'll consider it and then send you back the money if I refuse to stop saying it. Damn dams. Four points.

All right. And then I'm going to do that again. Okay. This is probably not a hit. I thought we decided last time that I do get two actions. You get two actions. I'm just trying to see if it's melee. It's not.

You're good. Okay, cool. And this, just like last time first one hit second one didn't unless this guy's got lower ac than 12 i'll just i'll let you know what it is it's 17 oh so now i'm afraid not all right All right. Next one coming around the bend is going to be hound number two down the way. Let's see. These guys can move 40 feet per turn. What are his options? He's going to...

Two ladies. He's seen the witch bolts and he does not like them so you all see this guy round the bend quickly over here towards nathan among that rocky outcropping and sarah iva is going to get an attacker of opportunity as he whips by you awesome i'm gonna take that opportunity um that's a 23 to hit stick your dagger out and he just runs along it yeah that's a hit okay and i believe it's also is it the um is there someone within five feet or no um yeah well no because he's 15 feet up on that shelf okay well i'll just have to do my normal damage then which is listeners i i mean jelf

uh five jelf on the shelf it's a jelf on the shelf oh god dan you did it five point, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding. Merry Christmas, everybody. I jump up and down until my neighbor shoots through the ceiling. Boom. Boom. Amazing.

All right. So you do that. He runs around a corner. He has not quite got to nathan but nathan you're definitely seeing him gaining on you and it's ivor's turn oh awesome can i do the same thing you're gonna this guy use my my sword the guy which one right in front of me yeah there's two in front of you now uh well the the one i attacked last time okay yeah but that guy should be within five feet of jelf right the one who ran past maybe not but this guy should be i would think i don't understand nobody there's two bad guys within five feet of each other

but there is not an ally of yours within five feet of you he's 15 feet vertically above you Jelf that's why I made that I understood he was on a shelf I just didn't realize it was that high I didn't understand his shelf was so

so high has anybody said he's a Jelf on a shelf before yet? Yes, that did just happen. Wait, say it one more time, Ken. He's a jelf on a shelf. All right. The guy you've been beating up is the one you want to attack. Okay, yeah, I'm going to use my insightful fighting feature,

which means this bonus action, I can make an insight check against a creature i can see uh contested by his deception check and then i can use sneak attack if he fails fun i love rogue shit um that's gonna be oh my god that's gonna be... Oh my god. That's... How dare you? Oh my god, me. No, I was only gotting my own roll. That's gonna be a 12.

Well, he wins, so congrats to him. I still get to attack him, and I'm gonna do that. Okay. Fuck that guy. That's a 20 to hit that is what they call a hit uh unfortunately it's only 5 points of damage though

okay it's something yeah I mean he's starting to get pretty bloodied as they used to say in the old early editions marking his hit points and texting you his picture okay up next is cospia is coming too she has 10 hit points she's going to use them yeah um all right she's gonna run back to that fucker everybody has been attacking and that knocked her down and she is going to try to stab it in the neck um she misses that's a nine hit she tried she's very irritated and says, I just don't understand. I'm very good at fighting.

Up next, we've got that hound who everybody's been wailing on is going to go ahead and try to bite Iva, the only one. No. The one everyone's been wailing on? Yeah, he'll go for... He'll go for Caspia.

Because she's got rabid bunny blood all over her and she smells tasty. That's going to be a miss. Good. It's an 11 to hit. And then it's going to be hound number three who is going to try to scramble up the rocks to bite Jelf. Yep.

He makes that. And then he's going to do the old claw and club. So that is a 20 to hit. No, it's not. It's a mess. I'm kidding. Really? You joke, but Nathan can do that. I know.

Nathan does that shit all the time. That sneaky fuck. Alright, so you're going to take nine points of slashing damage from its claws, and then he's going to whip his spiked tail around, and 19 to hit. It's going to be...

Hey, can you use fewer dice on those rolls? There are a lot of dice being rolled there. Roll fewer dice. And then 14 points of bludgeoning damage. No! See, that's what I was trying to avoid. See, that should be half that. That's a real dick biter.

You know what? I got to do a retroactive gimme. Sarah, Iva gets another attack of opportunity because it's going vertically away from her after being five feet. Cool. Once another attack of opportunity because it's going vertically away from her after being five feet. Oh, once again, I will take it. That is a 19 to hit. Hey, that is sure a hit.

And that time it's eight points of damage. 17's the magic number. I thought it was 3. Nope. Alright. Guess we're going by different rules. Nathan, you're up. I will continue

by arc of magic against that guy. Mm-hmm. 8 and 6, 14. arc of magic against that guy. Mm-hmm. Eight and six, fourteen, and another three. Seventeen points against that guy. How would you like to see

that guy die? Yay. I would like him to, uh, uh, he's already stoned, but sort of completely, sort of like, be, like, a a frozen petrified statue and then crumble crumble crumble crumble as soon as he crumbles Caspius says I softened him up for you

you loosened the jaw and then for my move I don't like how close that guy's coming for me so I'm going to try and run and jump across this

thing wait isn't it the one that's close to him that died just now no I killed that guy I will X out the one that died it's a little tricky I try to do a layer down thing so it's sometimes I mess this up

here this is the guy who who did got it that fellow um so you're gonna jump that expanse which is I'm doing a long jump okay

which I should be able to travel eight feet. Yes. So let's see. When you make a long jump, you cover a number of feet up to your strength score if you move at least ten feet on foot

right beforehand. And you did. So what's your strength score? 8. That's what I was saying. Yep, you got it. Nice. Oh, great. Okay, so that was there. So I go 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, and then I will move

5 more feet, which is the total of my movement alright look at you bunny belly boy semen alright up next we've got ten tooties what are you up to yes I'm going to close in on this fucker up here

okay ten feet away oh that fucker yeah you're ten feet away I Oh, that fucker. Yeah. You're 10 feet away. I bet I know what you're going to hit him with, a glaive. My glaive. And that is a... What the hell did this just do?

Oh, my God. 11 to hit. That's a miss. Yeah. My thing just went black for some reason. Okay. I can never go back. Dan!

What the hell? Alright, let me try this again. My D&D Bion just pooped out. I'm going to do the same thing again. But let me get my attack roll. Blaine, what was this about? Sorry. Okay.

Miskin Struzies, a helicopter pad for dogs. Miskin Struzies, a cozy fireplace for cats. Miskin Struzies. Sorry, Ken, I just needed it. All right, that is a 17 to hit. Oh, that sure is a hit. Let's see the damage that that comes with. That comes with 11 points of damage.

Hatcha! All right. And I am done. Beautiful. Blaine, Jelf is face-to-face with a sharp-toothed cave puppy. What are you going to do? Is there a way for me to... I got my long strider going on. Is there a way for me to kind of sidestep him? You could try to scoot down.

I mean, if you go away from him, he's going to get an attack of opportunity, and if you scoot, you're going to be... Like, you get a pretty far amount of distance with Longstrider, but it's... When you're climbing, you get half that distance, so it's going to be kind of like... Okay. I was just wondering

because he's too close for a bow, so I'm going to do... I'm going to do a short sword attack, and I'm going to do a shillelagh, so I have a magical plus on it. 17. That's a hit. And a 23. 23 points of damage?

No, that's two hits. Oh, great. And the short sword is 1d6 plus 4. Thank you for rolling your attacks together. Uh, uh, 7.

Uh, it's, uh, 15... 16, 17. 17 points. Nice. Alright, up it's gonna be brian danny cool the guy you've been popping your uh your crossbow at is now dead there's another one way up that's kind of out of visual for you attacking jelf you can see him okay but there might be a disadvantage on a crossbow thing because Jelf is kind of on a shelf that's behind a corner

a little. Well, I'm going to cut the distance. Try to get as close as I can and then get one off. Cool. If you go kind of right next to Caspia, you can see. Alright. That's what I'm going to do. There.

Seek and destroy. Are you saying a seek and destroy prayer for your crossbow bolt? I am. I'm also performing at a goddamn comedy jam at the comedy store this Sunday night and I'm doing performing at a goddamn comedy jam at the comedy store this Sunday night, and I'm doing Seek and Destroy, so I'm trying to remember the lyrics as much as possible.

Even though I've been singing the song for most of my life. Seek and destroy, what do I do? Is this the Go-Go's thing, right? You fucker. Take the whole world out of sync. That's Iggy and the Stooges. Seek and to destroy, right? You fucker. Take the whole world out of sync. Don't. That's Iggy and the Stooges. Seek and to destroy, right?

I don't like any of you guys, really. Wow, not even Sarah? Hey, Mo! I'm a street walking cheetah! He doesn't like any of us guys. Sarah's okay. She's never made fun of Metallica. It's just because I don't know what I'm talking about. Like, I wouldn't even be

able to, like, start. I'm like, I have no idea what band, the original band that everyone's making fun of is. I don't know. Okay. Next time Brian gets knocked out, just say, we're off to Never Never Land. Yes. Enter Sandman.

Bring me a dream. I'm going to kick you in your fucking teeth. I thought you were going to say peen. Me too. You get bit in the peen. Okay, so where's the other one? There's one kind of over by 2D, and there's one chomping at Jelf. You can shoot at either of them at this point.

You've adjusted, so you're right between them. Okay. I'm going to fire at the one that's with Jelf. Okay. Okay. Please excuse me. Let me find it. I'll excuse this once all right there we go crossbow i'll allow it mccoy probably not gonna happen my friend eight eight plus six

no you need a 17 for these fuckos. So close. Fuckos. Fucking fuckos. Well, that's it. Right? I only get one since I moved. No, you get two. Okay, cool.

Movement is a separate dealio that you can enjoy. I didn't really move that much. Anyway, let's see. I'm going to do that again, but this time it's going to hit. Watch me. I will. 16 is not a hit, though, right? I'm afraid not.

Damn it. That one's so close, but yet so, so, so far. Well, it was about as close as you can get. Thanks for letting me try. He's so gracious, Danny. Next will be hound number two, who is up there with Joe. Oh. It's going to be a 13 hit.

I have a 15. Oh, all right. He's going to do a club move and he's going to get even lower. That's a no. So he misses twice on you this time, Jelf. That's good, right? For you, yes. For him, he's a little, he's hungry.

He would like to chew on you and put you in his acidy tum tums. Put him in his what now? His acidy tum tums. Oh, acidy what, Al? His acidy tum tums. Oh, acidy. He's hungry like the rock wolf. Acidy. Acidy. His his bing bong. Alright.

Sarah, you're up. Oh, I'm up? Well, then it's time to attack. Right? No, I think you should quit. I disagree. What else? Okay.

That's the square. It's democracy. I know Jelf, I'm sorry, I missed. I heard that Jelf was talking about escaping and then didn't, or he did. He did not. He thought about it because he has Longstrider. He's still up on his little shelf.

Yeah, Longstrider is I think more beneficial when you're not right up in a monster's face because, right, and also he's kind of pinned on a shelf. If he were more free moving, it would be very useful. I wanted to just get range for my bow.

Okay, well, I'm still going to use that bonus action again. It doesn't seem like there's a limit, uh, I'm still going to use, I'm going to use that bonus action again. It doesn't seem like there's a limit on it. So I'm going to use insightful fighting again as a bonus action. Okay. So I'm going to, for the guy who's here next to me. So he needs to beat, Danny needs to beat a nine. Can he do it?

Got a negative two oh oh wonderful i was being sarcastic i don't know if you could tell but botched it that's wonderful it's thrilling to me frankly so i'm gonna go ahead and hit him oh yes that is a natural 20. Oh! Plus 6. So, that's exciting because that means that I'm gonna get my sneak attack damage plus it's gonna be doubled.

Oh, shit. Already. So, there's gonna be a lot going on that I have to add up here. Oh, my God. Okay. I don't know how this sword is even gonna be capable of this, but here we go. Also, to be clear, you're climbing up the rocks to do this i'm climbing up the rocks to do it oh right that's fine then i guess um okay that's okay that's that i'm just doubling the initial i don't double the

sneak attack damage right just the initial damage from the original dice damage not the plus not the sneak okay um that is uh 34 points of damage wow wow oh my goodness gracious all right more like bad is gracious yeah i mean you feel like you tear off a chunk of his thigh when you just gouge him right in the hip and you almost feel like the tip of your sword gets into his hip joint like you really just eviscerate him and i think we should end on that note we're still mid-combat but i believe we're pretty close to the hour is that right mr sam keifer that is very, very true. Well, you know what? While I'm talking to you,

what do you think has been going on for the last hour or so? Well, let me explain. Nice and short and sweet. First off, Brian, it's not inexplicable. It's inconceivable. Oh, yeah, you're right. I knew when I said that it was wrong. And I would have said it at the time, but I was pooped.

I knew it was wrong when I said it. Well, still mad. We're in a literal dog fight and we're winning. We're getting some hits in, but we're taking some hits. It's witch bolts, arrows, glaives, all the stuff you know from Dungeons and Dragons. Sweet Baby Caspia was hurt but survived. Dan is rolling too many

dice and we killed one of the dogs. Yay! It was a classic nerd poker battle episode and I hope it bit your dick off. That's inexplicable. You keep using that word. Don't think you've seen the movie. It's inexplicable.

Inconceivable. What do you got there, Dan? Who do you want to thank? Do you hear that? Do you hear that? Do you hear that? Those are the squeaking eels! Um, yeah, I might be doing stand-up soon.

Please keep an eye on my social media. I want to be doing it very badly, and I'm just sort of waiting for numbers to not scare my dainty little immunosuppressed ass and let's see just get ready for that fucking book to come out it's coming out soon i'm excited and you can watch the dragon prince on netflix and just binge the heck out of it getting ready for this game cool uh um i've uh got got tour dates on

brianpristain.com this week I'm in Portland but it's probably too late for that I will be in Indiana at the beginning of March Indianapolis one night and Fort Wayne the next with a headliner in his own right JT Haberset one of the funniest

dudes out there Austin comic who he and I become good pals liner in his own right, J.T. Haberset, one of the funniest dudes out there. Austin comic, who he and I have become good pals, and he's going to go do those shows with me. And then I've got some more Johnny Taylor shows coming up. He and I are doing

Spokane together. But all those dates are BrianPersane.com. And then I've got so many comic books, like too many coming up. I don't know how I'm going to do it, actually. So much stuff. Image and Heavy Metal Comics. Axe at Heavy Metal.

And then I've got a thing at Two Things in Image, the 420 book, and then a book called Rifters. So look for those, man. Anybody else? Oh, I'm going over to Lisbon this weekend with Stacy Keech and Ann Murray. You're doing something for pantshitters. So I'm going over there and just doing a little time in front of them. That's inexplicable.

So if you're in Lisbon, come and check it out. It's going to be pretty cool. Pants shitters, it's called? Pants shitters. Yeah, they do it all over. They love... It's sort of like an adventure show where people do stuff that would

make you shit your pants. thought it was like toastmasters well yeah yeah i guess it's i think there's a version of it it's a little like a little like that but not really it's mostly about like terrifying pantshits i think they wrestled stingrays last week and a guy got killed. Yeah. Sorry to hear that. Corvette Stingrays? I wish. No, just, yeah, the electrical shock would just loosen their bowels, so it worked out.

Cool. Literally. We appreciate your listening. Thanks for listening to another episode of Nerd Poker. You can follow us at patreon.com slash nerdpoker, and you get bonus episodes from there. And you can also send us anything at P.O. Box 16069, Encino, California, 91416. Thanks for listening.