Nerd Poker - S4E80 Sneaking Through Hell

Episode Date: March 22, 2022

Undead knights everywhere? So what? The Castaway Cuties never let something like that stop them from their destination. And we all know how foolproof a stealth-based plan is in Dungeons and Dragons.

Hey everybody, I'm Brian Poussin, Comedian, writer, actor, nerd. I've been playing D&D with my friends for a long time. I decided to do a new podcast where we play Dungeons & Dragons in my very own dining room. With my wife, kid, and my noisy dogs. So meet my friends Sarah, Kev, Dan, Lee, Chris. Now it's time for another episode of Brian Possehn's Nerd Poker. Season 4. Hey, everyone.

It's Brian Possehn. You're listening to Brian Possehn's Nerd Poker. It's episode 8-0, everybody. 80, we did it. Who knows how much longer Dan's going to let us live. Ernie! He's trying to let us live. Ernie! He's trying to piss me off. He got on my last nerve last episode.

No. So, oh, yeah. I'm not trying to piss you off. I just don't care if I piss you off. Good. Well, let's see what happens this episode. Dan's here. We just heard him.

Hi! I like you guys. Yeah, that's it. Shut up. Ken's here. Hey, Ken. Hello. Hi.

Hey, pal. Chris is here. Hey, Ken. Hello. Hi. Hey, pal. Chris is here. Hello, Brian. Hey, how do you feel about the last episode? It went well. Good. Blaine's here. He sure is.

Hi, guys. Hey, pal. And Sarah's here. I'm here. Hi. Hello. And there he is, Ramen and'm here. Hi. Hello. And there he is, Raman and Sam Kiefer. Hello.

Hello, sweet children. Raman looks like he's in okay mood today. He is. He's been sleeping all day. He's nice and fat and warm. He looks extra cute somehow. Just giving you all those kisses. Dogs are the best.

Dogs are the best. Dan, you want to thank some people and get going? I do. I would like to thank Patreon supporters. They go by usernames like Tensors Gifts. Ah, good one. Thank you, Tensors Gifts. Thank you.

Don't feel too bad, Sarah. I also had a toilet rat. I'm sorry for you. You actually have one. You're getting one. Thank you, DJ TJ Hooker and the Shattones. Thank you, Jack Ransom.

Thank you, Jack. Thank you, Moose from Jersey. Thanks, Moose. Thank you, Selfless cold and composed thank you joe beck thank you thank you brian may not that one thank you amanda bird thank you and and of course bird back to man thank you danny elf yen and oingo boing cone thank you BBE aka big bird energy aka Matt

Ortiz thank you miss construes these antique shop and rodeo very nice thank you thank you Nathan Plunkett. Thank you, Joshua Stone. Thank you, Matt Carter. Thank you, Craig Willis. Thank you, Sean Trill. Thank you. And thank you finally, I slit the sheet.

The sheet I slit upon the slitted sheet I sit. Nice. Nice, Dan. Dan, they are trying to trick you. They're really they want to take me down, but I'll tell you what. If I can survive cancer twice, I can take your tongue twisters. Bring them, bring them. I dare you all to change them to tongue twisters.

I'm not afraid. I'm not afraid. Hey, Blaine, who are those Patreon supporters brought to us by? Dan, those Patreon supporters are brought to us by... Vagina Crafters. Quality vaginal rejuvenation in about an hour. Vagina Crafters. Quality vaginal rejuvenation in about an hour. Vagina Crafters.

Right next to Biltz of Tits booth at Exton Square Mall down in the Dildo District. Dan? Thanks, Blaine. Learning more with the Dildo District. A lot happens there. Maybe they can take care of Danny's throat bug in the dildo district a lot happens there maybe they can take care of

danny's throat bug in the dildo district that's where you get it so you knock the bug out that's what i'm saying oh my god it's dirty by the way a little behind the scenes i'd never talk about this on the air but i have a little thing on patreon right where every episode i do like a dungeon master q a and i let listeners i'm going to tell you a free dungeon master behind the scenes so when danny had the the promise to the toad for the favor i rolled the 20-sided dice it was an 18 and i put a note at the top of my dungeon master google doc on episode 79 the toad will come calling when inconvenient and uh that whole episode last episode i was just like wait for it dan wait for it let him get farther he wants to go far from the party let him go far from the party dan um oh interesting on that note um let's talk about

what happened last time on NerdPoker. The Castaway Cuties snuck through the sewers into Vlazikova, underneath a weird patio, which I think I heard Ken guess in the last episode, but we didn't quite confirm. Danny just woke up. He promised 18 episodes ago he would owe a favor to a toad named Torzo. So he would take a bug out of his throat. But, when he came calling, Danny said, fuck you over and over again.

Tried to stab the toad to death. And instead, had the favor reversed. Danny now awakens, hiding under a cart surrounded by undead knights. And he's got the bug back stuck in his throat. We take it down as a cast to a cutie. He's already in progress.

Um, there we go. A and P. And, um, yeah, did you guys just do a roll? What were you guys talking about doing under the patio? We have really plus Cospi under there. Yeah, we're figuring out what to do with these soldiers

okay yeah i i remember i told you you think you could maybe pull them under but the four soldiers by the patio all have sight lines on each other so it'd be pretty hard to drag them under the patio but jelf did get eye enough insight roll where he put it together that's something you could do and then we were going to try the stealth and then attack them if our stealth was ruined, I think. But then thinking, oh, we have to leave Danny. But then now Danny's awake, but he has a bug in his

throat, so... Things are fun. There's so much going on. Can Danny travel with a bug in his throat? Oh, I was asking Danny if he could breathe. I think. Ernie! Go lay down, buddy.

I'm not sure if he can breathe. Can I, Dan? You can breathe, but you feel a lump in your... Like, it's stuck behind your tonsil. Oh, God. Not this again. Tonsils. Perhaps if I can get closer to Danny, I might be able to help.

Okay. Oh. Check it out. Would you like to try? Well, here's the thing. I'm afraid the thing I'll do will negate any sneaking. Perhaps we should try and sneak first, and if we get away, I'll be able to help him out no problem. Tanner, are you up for sneaking

even with this bug in your throat? Yeah. Yeah! I feel like I should remind you guys and give you, I should remind you and give you like a free sort of insight. You were just talking in the last episode about making each other invisible and what have you. You might want to. Yeah, we were going to try to figure out a way to be selfier. Those of you who are, I think it's Nathan who can do it to somebody

or somebody. I can do a distraction was basically i could do a sound distraction and gather the you know guys right you could try i mean like yeah yeah it's there as always you can try okay uh let me look at the map and while you guys think about what else you slash we can do i can i have uh three spell slots that i can use for invisibility but uh one of them i would hang on to my thought for helping daniel i mean you might go into combat yeah i have i have enlarged reduce and my thought was i could enlarge danny so that the bug stays regular size and then if he's bigger i'm assuming his throat is bigger and he can spit out the thing unless it's like attached or it is i think also you could you could reduce everybody to try to get them to be stealthy and run

like little mice through them and get stepped on I don't think so hey hey uh I have a thing called pass without trace a veil of shadows and silence radiates from me masking me and my companions from detection

for the duration each creature uh within 30 feet of us, uh, has a plus decks, a plus 10 bonus to dexterity checks and can't be tracked except by magical means. We leave no tracks or traces. Is there a way to use that and throw it around all of us while we lay like a trap door spider trap for these guys?

I think that might be just pass, pass without it, pass without a trace i need to look up the rules i don't know how you can just throw it on everybody i think the deal is as long as we stay within range yeah you have to you got to be within um 30 feet like you said so maybe you get a huge bonus so yeah you could the three of you plus Caspia are under the patio. Also, what I was looking up and why I got a little distracted was Danny, you have shadow step. Don't forget, you have shadow step, Brian.

Yeah. You gain the ability to step from one shadow into another. When you're in dim light or darkness, as a bonus action, you can teleport up to 60 feet to an unoccupied space you can see that is also in dim light or darkness. Cool. Pretty wild. You should be able to get out of here no problem.

Yes. The rest of us. You ought to use that shit. I forgot last episode, but I feel like this episode episode it's extra important that i just nudge you brian okay so if we all sneaky we can take down these guards one at a time i think um possibly does it does the spell end if we attack? Invisibility or something? Yeah, and again, I want to remind you from last episode, when Jelf got that really high insight roll,

he knew it was possible to take everybody down, but he rolled high enough to know it was also extremely hard to pull it off because they're not isolated. They're in an open space. Right. And they're kind of hanging out patrolling and guarding i like sarah's idea about sneaking trying to sneak away first you would have to draw them and did anyone have the good a good enough tootie had a good enough role to know where we're going

no he had a terrible role as it turns out so nobody we actually so the first thing is we gotta figure out where we're going correct well it's somewhere in the square, I imagine. Is it? I don't know. That building there looks like a church. You rolled low enough that I won't tell you if that's correct, Ken. Yeah, okay. Perfect.

Okay, who hasn't tried to roll to see where we're going? Caspia. I believe Caspia and Jelf. Caspia and Jelf are the only two who haven't done it. Have I rolled to see where we're going? Okay. I thought you did. Am I wrong? I have no idea. Chris, you're so nice you could tell me I'm wrong. No, I think if you remember I did, I trust

you. I don't trust my own memory. Listeners will correct me so I'm nervous. Chris, did you get a haircut? Yeah, my wife cut it today. Good job. Thank you. Yeah, she's great. Oh, your beard's gone. Yep. I shaved that myself.

Good work. Yes, Sarah, your beard. We're not talking about Gino again. Don't make the jokes. Caspia attempts to figure out where you are and she goes, it's not my job to chronicle our whereabouts. And Jeff, would you like to try? Nathan, I'll let you try sure what do I do a perception

yeah uh someone else has tried already sorry guys just a 10 dagnabbit you know what I'm going to use a luck point oh yeah that's right

Blaine roll roll it. Luck it up. What'd you get, Blaine? 12 plus 6, 18. Oh, let's see what you get, Chris. I got the exact same thing, Dan. Oh, okay. Well, luckily, Jelf rolled pretty high.

Jelf, you're not sure. You think you passed through this square rather quickly. There isn't a building in this square you've been inside before, but you think you passed through and it is just east. Maybe a block. Okay. You can't get eyes on it. It's around a corner.

Where the fudge is made. Okay. That's right. Right by the milk and the lemonade. Can you ping it on the map where he's suggesting? Yeah. So he's, it's off map, but yeah lemonade can you ping it on the map where he's suggesting yeah so he's it's off map but yeah can you ping it over there okay that well that's good because that's the opposite of where the oh yeah where the guys are let's stealth away okay all right now that there is a a uh dormant pyre that looks like um actually kind of grizzly there's a post sticking out of it and looks like some barbecue stuck to it uh i'm gonna have why don't everybody roll an insight

check at this point all right good 12 plus 6 18 got an 18 who can be an 18 Got an 18, who can beat an 18? 19 Got a 19, who can beat a 19? No I didn't beat that, I got an 11 Sorry My thing went down, what are we rolling again? Insight? Insight!

Who can beat a 19? insight sorry I'm taking so long everyone takes long on zoom because we can't make eye contact with each other and indicate socially that it's our turn to do something big fat 13 all right you all are triangulating how you're going to escape east it's been communicated by message

back and forth between Nathan and the two under the cart and as you're trying to figure out how to get east you it dawns on you iva where you are exactly none of you could quite perceive it earlier because you've been rolling a whole bucket of shitty perception checks but now that you know you got to go east and you're looking at the path you piece it together that where i'm pinging now is a sacrificial pyre it looks like it's where people are executed wait why don't i see the ping i'm trying to ping it now it's real 20 is not

working um but that little thing it looks like a campfire yeah that is that that is where it looks like they've been burning people at the stake great and you are currently under the gallows as ken correctly guessed underneath other people talking um i know a gallows when i see one yes so um but back to the reason i brought it up not a whole lot of cover between where any of you are i I've got some good cover, I think. Iva and Danny could sneak between a couple of carts and then get sort of in some water by a bush. Oh. But the rest of you guys

have a bunch of wide open space between you and the east. Hmm. Perhaps, Iva, you have the ability to make little illusions and such? Yeah, so I was thinking I could do a sound or something illusion from the other side, now that I know where we're headed. And that could maybe distract.

Yeah. So, I can do the... It's only good for... I can't remember. It's not far. Let's see. All right. It's like 30 feet.

Hang again. So... Um... Sam Fisher Whistle. alright 30 feet so um Sam Fisher whistle yeah so I don't have a great option for how far 30 feet

30 feet yeah I have a mage hand perhaps I could also 30 feet perhaps I could grab onto something with my magical rabbit's paw and knock it over to sort of help your sound

I guess I can go a little bit down this alley which kind of brings people towards us I think that's going to bring the guys all the way up to the top they're closest to us people towards us. I think that's going to bring the guys all the way up to the top. They're closest to us. Basically, it's a cantrip,

so it's sort of nothing to lose here if it works even a little bit. Right, you'll lose a spell slot. So, you know what, maybe I'll... Is there a way somebody could light the pyre? Well, that's on our way. I'm just saying like to.

Well, the pyre is right by where you want to go. So it's going to draw attention. Yeah, that's true. Okay. Why don't I have a voice call? I'm going to have a voice calling from this building here, which is 30 feet from me. I'm going to have it happen right before Danny and I take off. Between the two guards in the west can you see

when i have this little arrow going or no i can okay yeah so like right here you know in the coming from this building sort of i'm just gonna have a a voice yelling uh goddamn sun elves or whatever their sun elves right yeah yeah voice yelling and i'm gonna make the voice can sound like anyone that i've heard speak who's someone that we really hate we're in trouble there's so many people erin carter in this world do you want me to give you one? If you roll an insight check, I can do that. Or you can chat it up with everybody. How about that,

that, remember that, that, that guy who cheated me at Gwent bent and he lived in this town. So maybe he's still here.

So I'm gonna make the voice sound like him. All right. So the voice cries out, you goddamn funnels all right so there's a window right there and then as soon as it happens we're gonna take off danny it's the back you see the window is is lit it's glowing a little bit it looks like the back room of a tavern and you hear this projected voice call out from the gambler in another timeline of Flayzacola.

You goddamn sun elves. And right after you call it, do a perception check, Danny and Iva. It's going to be a DC of 10. So one is not going to help me on that or? Uh-uh. Sorry. 15. 15. so one is not going to help me on that or uh-uh sorry 15 15 danny as you pivot away you see if you'll refer to the map two guards who were out of sight line start walking towards the sound over your east so they are now uh coming over here they're crossing right in front of you the direction you want to go uh these two sun elves undead go why is their hearing so bad huh why is their hearing so bad no they heard it they're coming towards it

but i made two okay what do you mean i'm these two here where the two right by you that you knew about i'm confused i guess i don't think you understand how many more sun elves just showed up the second you did this. They moved them. I moved them. I didn't see them. So where did these guys come from? More of them appeared. Yeah.

They were down one of the alleys. I didn't move them so much. These guys, these guys. Okay. I didn't know. It came out of an alley to the east. I tried to show you, but I wasn't,

I wasn't on that screen. I was on the. Yeah. Yeah. So two came from the east. Okay. Two came down from where they were, and these two guys are going to go a little closer to the window

to try to look in and see if someone was shouting out the window. They're a little confused because the window's closed, but they're, like, looking in there. One of them bangs on the glass. And, yeah, Iva and Danny are unfortunately surrounded. Oh, without us. The northwest guy's going to come down a little bit just to guard that

street, which is to your favor. And the guy up here is just hanging out on a wall, not really knowing what's going on. Maybe we should go up to the north, where that guy just left. Maybe we should sneak out up there. Yeah, we can come around the back. Yeah, and work our way

over. Do you want to cast that pass without a trace? Yes, please. Nobody's invisible, right? Not yet. Not if we have pass without a trace. I think that's pretty huge.

If we have pass without a trace, can we just go straight east? That's a damn question well it's yeah keep in mind all pass without a trace does is give you a massive bonus to your roll you could still roll a one and you'll have an 11 on your stealth check it's great if you roll 20 you're basically invisible if you roll a uh 10, you're pretty close to invisible. But once you start getting under a 10, I can't promise your stealth roll is going to be enough. And I'll say none of you have a great sight line down any of these roads from where you are. You're all underneath things. There's plenty of sight lines still kind of janked up.

Hey, what are these things right here that i just moved my my guy to jelp that was the um sacrificial pyre where they burn people to death that i was describing earlier can i run over to that and uh sneak up on top of that and use that as a sightline to shoot both of these guys like this uh this guy over here and this guy up here this uh this guy over here and this guy up here uh yeah but uh yes we can give it a try i mean i can kind of i can kind of hide hide behind to use it as cover a little bit and you cast pass without a trace right yes so who so who else is got this plus 10 to stealth? Everybody who was under the gallows. Okay, just keep that in mind. Cospia's got it, Nathan's got it, and 2D have a plus 10 bonus to stealth.

I think as long as we're within 30 feet, right? Right. This is very, very tense. He's 40, so he's too far away. Two things are going to happen. First, Jelf, roll a stealth check with your plus 10 bonus hey danny yeah danny brian um roll a constitution saving throw gotcha 25 jelf sneaks up to the pyre tiptoes pretty low low. Twelve. Okay. Um, you

audibly go and gag as you feel the bug kind of dig its legs into your throat. Yeah, the legs. Um... Notice how to use them. Does not use them.

Uh, if I cut my throat, will somebody heal me both of the guards both of the knights near danny and ivah hear the noise they don't hear where it's coming from but they look around like they're they've been tense since the screaming of fuck you sun elves by the tavern and now they're like wait what and instead of getting close to the window with everybody else jelf you elegantly just glide silently up there are you going to let loose some arrows yes

please roll to attack uh one for each guy uh 15 plus 24 to hit uh and uh so uh 15 plus 24 it's a hit uh and uh so uh

16 that is not a hit okay so the first guy suck the the arrow silently leaves your bow and plants itself,

thuck-like, into this guy's neck. Why don't you roll for damage? 1d8 plus 4. That's 8 plus 4, 12. A 12. He, like, staggers backwards. The other guy guy the arrow goes into the wall next to him

and he starts looking around okay which one got hit north or guy to the west west got hit over here I'm gonna even move him back five feet because he's like damn it okay

what would you all like to do now I guess we're not going to sneak away we can still oh we can't sneak up the thing because as soon as we're far away from them we don't have the bonus okay there's there's a moment where everybody like sees at least the three of you see jelf let loose these two arrows pop, pop. And after he does it, there's this moment, much like our players weren't sure what to do. All three of you kind of look at each other like, uh, what is the plan now? We didn't know Jelf was going to do that. And Caspia goes, ah, fuck it. And she sneaks up to the guard that Jelf missed.

sneaks up to the guard that Jelf missed. She rolled a 21 on her stealth check. Nice. And now she's going to attempt to cut his throat. That's a pretty cutthroat move. It is a botch. Oof.

Does she cut off her own face by accident? She hasn't made any gambles with magic toads She rolled a 58 So she slips and falls on her dagger And takes one point of damage She rolled high enough on her stealth that she just kind of goes Like winces and doesn't make a sound but you see her

like she goes to cut the guy's throat and so I'll move her on the map she's right under the tree trying to crawl back into cover alright shit I thought I was going to kill those guys

sorry I'm going to get as guys sorry I'm going to as you all wonder what to do next again roll for initiative I was putting it off for a little bit but at this point the guard who gets hit with the arrow says I'm hit

and we say oh shit nine got a nine from Sarah Blaine what'd you get uh I got a nine from sarah blaine what'd you get uh i got a seven oof brian what'd you get on initiative 16 all right All right. Caspia got 17. She's prone right now. Chris, what'd you get?

11. Not horrible. Ken, what'd you get? I got a 20. 20. All right. I'm rolling for baddies alright

oh the knights roll low good um they're going pretty late in the turn order um so first up is Caspia she's going to use half her movement to yank herself up she's

very frustrated obviously and she is going to attempt to stab that guy before he turns around she rolled a 26 to hit she does 24 points of damage as she attempts to slit his throat and then she disappears back into the

underbrush and you see Caspia where is she? is she on the map or no? and then she disappears back into the underbrush. And you see Caspia. And he's not dead. Where is she? Is she on the map or no? Yeah, she's a weird brown square, so she's blending in with the brownish-green tree in the map right now, but she's hiding up there.

So he's not dead after that? No. Wow. He had his throat slit for 24 points of damage, so he's bleeding bleeding and he's grabbing his throat but he's not dead all right he's he's got chain mail like around his neck and it's not like a simple instant um he has enough hit points up next is gonna be tough hit points up next is gonna be brian what's danny gonna do

but i rolled a 20 oh you did yeah you did i'm sorry i'm it's because i am a bad typist and i put two that's usually what i guess that's probably what Caspia is still going to do, but what are you going to do first? I'm going to come help Caspia. Okay. I'll roll my stealth, I guess, just to be sneaky about it. Alright.

So it's a plus ten, yes? Yes. My stealth is a fifteen. Plus 10, yes? Yes. My stealth is a 15. And I'm going to head over there and attack the guard that she's attacked. Chris, what was your initiative? 11. Thank you, sir.

I just had like a complete typographical fuck up when I was trying to track everybody. What was your, uh, stealth role there, Ken? 15. All right. Is that with your pass without a trace that you haven't broken yet?

That is with my pass without a trace. Woof. I mean, it's enough, but I mean, you hear the cobblestone have gravel get kicked up and skitter while you do it. Yeah. So it makes you very tense.

You're, uh, you're doing this. We're going to say right before Casp Yeah. So it makes you very tense. You're doing this, we're going to say, right before Caspia. So you're kind of step over her as she lays on the ground. I can go further away. I got a glaive, so I'll use that. Okay.

I'm going to glaive him. Roll to attack. That is a 17 to hit. That's a hit. And then I do 8 points of damage. Alright, so you just chop him.

He reels back and then takes that slit to the throat. Cospi is going to jump out right after you do that. Got it. He cries out. That's going to draw a little bit of attention up there at this point there's starting to be quite a bit of shouting in general so there's not a whole lot of

uh sneaking your you guys are gonna be able to do out in the open unless you've got cover right up next is gonna be brian like i thought a second ago b Brian, what are you going to do? Where am I? Down at the bottom. Yeah. With Iva. I don't... So we're fighting... Who are we fighting? The undead?

These guards, yeah. You've triggered the attention of the elves quite a bit. You have six around you. Oh, okay. Or is there a... Too close. Okay, cool. Yeah, I'm going to fire crossbows.

All right. Which guy on the map do you want to attack? I didn't see the map. Sorry, bud. Let me... Okay. One to the north, one to the east. If you want to... It is linked to the chat okay yeah

i was sorry i was trying to figure out if i was going to stab my throat and pull this bug out of there right i know you said you did have interest in potentially stabbing your throat unfortunately what happened was blaine jumped out and started firing arrows if you want you can do that but there's a lot going on right now okay also forgive me if i'm a little slow my my bluetooth keyboard and mouse ran out of power at the exact same time what the fuck having like a disaster i think that's why i accidentally like typoed earlier because i was trying to click and drag and it didn't work very well.

Which guy are you hitting, Brian? You opening the map yet? Yeah, sorry. No worries. I just have my own issue. Blaine, who is this technical difficulty brought to us by oh you're muted yeah these technical difficulties

are brought to us by orange pylons hard hats crossing guard vests orange you can't miss it orange and loud it's loud you can't miss it

loud from the makers of Orange and Loud Dan thanks Blaine I'm glad you could come up with a conceptual reason to scream in your microphone like I need a concept

the guy that's right in front of me directly in front of me? Directly in front of me? I fire on that guy first. You're going to crossbow then? Yeah. Great. Roll to attack, please. Okay.

This is going to be wild. Thanks for patience, everybody. Sorry it took me a while to fix it. Sarah is so pissed. Now I can't find my hold on one second. Folks! Remember, Tales of Xadia.com Can I tell you guys about a Twitter poll I did for our podcast

today? Yeah. Sure. I said in a tweet an hour before we recorded about Dun dungeon master for nerd poker how should i immediately kill the players just to amuse myself the the four options were magma honey badger american health care acid canteens or a monster from elden ring the winner with 51 percent of the votes is American Healthcare. I should use American Healthcare to kill all of you during the game.

Brian's got that bug in his throat. We're going to have to go to Urgent Care. They're not going to pay for that. It's not too urgent. It's weird that at Urgent Care they wouldn't treat foreigners. Urgent, urgent, urgent, urgent.

I'm so glad that- My first one's not a hit, but my second one is. 20 plus six, so I got a crit. Great. Roll your damage. Ooh! And remember to double the die damage. Double that die damage.

Oh, fuck. It's 15 crit, yeah. Nice. So that's 15 crit. Yeah. Nice. So 15 doubled? 4 plus 8 plus 3. Okay. Great. Hmm? And then double it. 30 points of damage?

Yeah. 30 points of damage. Oh, no. You double the... What's the plus 3? you don't double the plus right right very close to 30 so what's what is the total well uh you don't double the plus 3

is that what you're saying initial roll so 12 let's double the initial roll okay okay so 24 yeah 24 points of damage yowza okay up next oh wait you get to you did too yes up next is chris what's nathan gonna do um dan on the map is nathan hidden under that bench is that sort of like supposed to be kind of like still part of like underneath the gallows? I think you were all like you were until a few minutes ago.

I thought you were under the gals and I just looked. You're supposed to be under. Yeah. Okay, cool. I did want to. Is that better for that? That is more accurate. Okay, great.

So from there, Nathan's going to look at this guy off to the west, and I'm going to cast Witch Bolt against him at second level. Okay. So I have to roll to hit. 11 plus 6, so 17 to hit. That's a hit great roll your damage 2d 12 lightning damage uh oh great 12 and 2 so 14 points of lightning damage and uh to which one now can you please remind me i'm'm sorry. It's okay. The one, uh, to the West. Oh, got it. 16 points of lightning damage. This guy there.

Yep. 14 points. Okay. Uh, and then with my movement, I'm just huge bang as he's getting hit. Yeah. He'd go ahead. I just want to make sure I'm yeah, I'm 30 feet. Okay.

That's it. That is my turn. Okay. Great. I'm just doing some math here. I'm trying to use the hit point setting here in Roll20 to help me keep track because there's so many guys here. Sarah, it's your turn.

Yes. Remind me again how I ping something on the map. You select objects and tokens with the cube tool, then click the arrow and then hold left click where you'd like it to work. Okay, I'll figure that out later. I'm going to go ahead and... Dan, talk slower.

No, no, no, it was not your fault. I just heard something tool. I'm looking for an opportunity to yell at you. We're wasting killing time. I'm looking for an opportunity to yell at you. We're wasting killing time. I'm going to shoot this guy with an arrow. Great. Let's see how it goes. Okay.

And you know what? I'm going to use my bonus action before I do that to go ahead and use my insightful fighting. Nice. To make an insight check against him, um, contested by his deception check. Okay. And then I get to use sneak attack.

You rolled an 18. Well, that failed. Okay. I'm just going to shoot him with the arrow. Please. Hopefully. Sometimes you guys just go with the classics.

Um, oh my goodness. That was a natural 20 plus six. So a 26 to hit. Roll your damage and get ready for more die doubling. Wow. Okay. So that is. You guys are critting like motherfuckers.

Oops. My thing froze. Why does this happen? Okay. So it already doubled up for me. So that was. No, it didn't. Okay.

I got to do it again. Sorry. Oh, man. I really got to go manual on this because it's messing up. It's just freezing. My computer can't handle it, guys. Are still there yeah yeah hi hello how you doing and what's going on don't worry my friend we're all very we're all very contemplating the technology there's so many bad guys yeah okay so that's nine points of damage which is not what i was hoping for but

okay and which guy is this the one that danny just hit uh I was hoping for, but. Okay. And which guy is this? The one that Danny just hit? The guy, this guy. Got it. Okay. He is down significantly, but as he cries out,

not dead. Up next is going to be Blaine. What's Jelf doing after popping a couple of people with arrows? I'm going to pop a couple more people with arrows. Who's standing? Everyone. No one is down. Okay.

Right now you see one, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight knights. Okay. How many days? I want to get a five. Jesus Christ um hey uh uh whoever is is closest to hurting somebody um right now the the person has been double stabbed up by 2d and Cospi are not too too worried about them it looks like Danny and Iva are slowly picking at the two by them. But there's a guy in the far end you hit with an arrow really hard.

The one that guy got hit in the neck before I had you roll initiative. He got hit really hard. Okay. I'm gonna hit him again really hard. Okay. Roll to attack. 12 plus 9. Real high on attack rolls. That's a 21? Yeah, that's a hit. And a 50 plus 9 20 real high on attack rolls that's a 21 yeah that's a hit and uh 50 plus 9 24 how would you like to see this night die i'd love to dan

i'd like to see i'd like to see him just kind of uh uh just sort of reach up like uh uh he's like he's doing a satchmo kind of do do do do do do do with a with a napkin but it just fills up with blood and then he falls over great beautifully illustrated he pops off this mortal coil uh do you have two bow attacks correct yes so that guy's down what would you like to do now uh can i move closer to somebody? Who can I move closer to? I'm putting a little skull and crossbones by them when they're dead, just so you can get a sense of it. I hope you can see that on their token. Keep that in mind. Your closest, roll perception check. You haven't really looked around. You just kind of ran out. Oh, you know what? I'm going to start running

down this way. Do you see where I am? I'm going to have you roll a perception check anyway. Okay. 13 plus 6, 18. As you run that way, you notice there are two more

guys coming down this alley. Oh, okay. Woo you. Sorry, guys. I didn't mean to pee on the bees. You're going to hit this other guy with an arrow? Yes, please. Roll to attack.

You're now close to the guy that Iva took a shot at. 18 plus 9, 27. It's obviously a hit. roll your damage uh seven all right he's getting hit pretty light compared to these other guys who are like screaming and crying um but yeah you're you're chipping away at him up next is going to be... This thing happens that you don't understand because you can't see it at the moment. And then the knights get their turn. They rolled very low on initiative, but they haven't gone yet. First, the guy up here is going to take a shot at Caspia to hit. She is going to take eight points of damage as he hits her with his longsword.

And then he's going to swing again. And again. And again. One of those is a hit. That's another six points of damage. Cospi is feeling woozy as she gets double slashed by that guy. This guy is

going to run over towards you, Jelf. And swings at you three times. what's your ac uh my ac is 15 all right well he got one he got another hit so he's got two out of two out of his three swings or, or hits. And I'm just rolling the damage. Don't, don't do that. Yep. It's going to be eight and then 18 points of slashing damage.

Okay. points of slashing damage. Okay. And then this guy is going to run around and try to see where his crossbow bolt that Danny hit him with came from. He rolls a 20.

He sees you, Danny, hiding under there with Iva. He pulls a sword out, crawls down, and he slashes at you, Danny. Hey, Brian. What is Danny's armor class?

That's a good question. I think it's 15. Let me look. 16, sir. Ooh, he rolled a 15, a 18, and a 7. So one of these is going to be a hit. It's going to be six points of slashing damage for you, Danny.

Okay. These two guys are going to keep trying to figure out where the shouting was come from, because they think there might be somebody up on the roof. So they're trying to bang on the window until they can smash it one of them and the other one he's gonna back up and try to get kind of like on this area over here by a short porch to see up on the roof um these two guys are gonna come out running and scope out the area and is that it no there's still these two guys they are gonna run towards danny or i'm sorry uh nathan who i always think of as crying out danny whenever i

imagine nathan doing anything. They're coming for you, Nathan. And it is Ken's turn. That's what I would say if they were coming for me. Again, with the glaive on this guy. Great. Hmm. Great.

And that is a 19 to hit. Oh, a hit. And Dimash will be 12. He is bleeding out heavily. Does not look good. Shall that do it for you, Ken? Oh, I have another

attack. Let me do it. I missed my last one. Okay. Oh, no! Because you were very excited to attack. So that's a 24 to attack. That's drinking water. Excuse me. That's a hit. That's right. And that is 13 24 to attack. Mm-hmm. 24 to hit. That's drinking water. Excuse me.

That's a hit. That's right. And that is 13 points of damage. Nice. How would you like to see this one die? I would like to see him try to scream, but his throat is fucked up, so he just sprays a bunch of blood out. Oh. And then his head sort of falls back and his throat opens and he just falls over, bleeding dead.

Wow. That's how I want to see him die. All right. I like it. So now Cospia is up. She is going to go Nathan. She's going to go Nathan. She's going to run here. Cast.

What shall we have her cast? I'm looking at her spells. It's fun to spell. She's going to cast Magic Missile. Yeah. magic missile. Yeah. Got those two guys rushing you under the gallows. It's a Bob Seger song. One of them just

pop, pop, pop, gets hit with these bolts and he goes, I thought I was running towards the magic one. Up next is going to be... Boop, boop, boop, boop, boop. Brian, Danny, Yen, May, do his thing. There's a guy who crawled under the cart and is stabbing at you, Brian. Yeah.

Okay. It's like freaks. Can I stab back? Yes. You come out at night I heard I kind of wish you would alright I uh

swing the sword at him okay roll to attack 21 15 plus 6 holy shit roll that damage boss can't wait neither can I ah 21, 15 plus 6. Holy shit. Roll that damage, boss. Can't wait. Neither can I.

Eh. Low. I got a 1, but I got a plus 3 there, so. Alright. So that guy. It's a foe. He chokes as you hit him across the shoulder. He's, you know know starting to look pretty

rough around the edges you got him good with the crossbow bolt earlier you keep attacking him yeah or did you use you didn't use your attacks right that was just one of your three i didn't know that it was my turn i thought he had just stabbed me i thought i was defensive no it wasn, it wasn't a defensive thing. Oh, sure. Good. Then, yeah, I'll take two more. Do it. Is a 14 a hit? It's an 8 plus 6? Nope. One more try. That is a hit.

19 plus 6. 25. Great. Roll your damage. What's your damage? Oh, my 6. 25. Great. Roll your damage. Mm-hmm. What's your damage? Oh my god. Heather. 6. 3 plus 3. Okay. Yeah, I mean, you're definitely hacking at him. It's definitely

getting some progress. He's not going down. He's wearing heavy armor and it sucks. I'll get in there. Yeah. Chris, Nathan gets to do his thing. Nathan sees those guys coming for him and he does some very quick math in his head. He's like, I think I'm in trouble. And he, a ball of flame comes out and lands sort of halfway in between the two that are coming at him. And then halfway between the one that's down there sort of investigating that porch.

And I cast. Right there. Yeah, and I cast fireball. And it has a 20 foot radius. So all three of them are within and sort of and it's if i'm not mistaken it decks for half damage yeah that's correct so they so fireball it's a dexterity 14 saving throw maybe my favorite wizard spell it can really fuck you up. What did you say the DC was? DC 14.

Two of them make it. Okay. So it's 8D6. So that's 5, 813, 10, 23, and 629. So the one who doesn't save takes 29 and then the other two no the other two would take half of that which i guess would be 14 yay and yeah suck it yeah it's all right so big old ball of flame and then for my movement I'm terrified of seeing them coming so I'll say to Caspia run run away

and I will hightail it up here with Tootie sort of I'll sort of be peeking out from behind his heavy armor great so those two guys who made their decks throw they are still scalded pretty hard the

guy who was hanging out on that porch trying to look up on the roof where iveth cast a spell gets just utterly slammed by this fireball uh he's like like he's completely baffled as to what the fuck is going on stay off that fucking fucking porch. This fireball is massive, too. Just to be clear, this spell causes a massive concussion sound that just explodes and reverberates down the roads of Flay's

Echola. Up next is going to be... Sarah! What's Iva up to? Should we read the books? Yeah, Iva is going to... Can I get at the guy next to Danny without... You got to do like a quick army crawl five feet. But I can, right?

Yeah. Okay, yeah. So I'm just going to short sword that guy. And that should be a sneak attack. Yeah, that should be a sneak attack because Danny's right next to him. So let's see. because Danny's right next to him. So let's see.

In fact, he didn't even really see you because you're much smaller than Danny. So when you kind of come out, he's like, well, there's two of them. Okay, I'm using a luck point on that first one. And then it's a 21 to hit. That's a hit. Oh, boy. Okay, so then I'm going to do...

Oh, that's terrible. But let's see how much the sneak attack wow i just wanted noted that i rolled 4d6 and i got a 1 1 1 and a two jeez so classic sarah i did 10 points of damage i mean as little as it is he's looking he was already looking pretty shitty so he's not dead but he's like oh god oh help me like he's still that was like five days worth of damage and i did i know well you could have he's aware that he could have died. He just sees your blade work. And he's like completely freaked out by you and Danny right now. After you is. Blaine. Bonus action to disengage from him.

Great. So he. Put your token if you're using any movement to go somewhere. Where are you going? Oh, I was just going to sneak away and just disengage oops sorry i didn't mean to do that okay just disengage from that particular battle so i can get to this guy next okay so you move out east of the cart towards the newer guy who came yeah uh great then yes blaine i'm gonna short sword this guy right here the guy who's right in front of you yeah

don't put your token on top of him so I can see him. Okay, cool. I'll just do that. Silly boy. 14 plus 7. 21. That's a hit. Roll your damage. 26 plus 4.

Hey, Sarah! I did one of your things. Yeah? 1 plus 4, so 5 so five oh and I got a shillelagh on it so it's a plus six welcome to the club is it just a one attack you know what I'll do it again eleven plus

eleven plus seven eighteen that's a hit I'll do this again this time I did a five plus plus 11 plus 7, 18. That's a hit. I'll do this again. This time I did a 5 plus 4 is 9. Yeah, he's not expecting to get hit from that side and he tries to spin around and see who's attacking him.

Up next is going to be you guys. And arrows start flying from the rooftops towards you click click click so I'm gonna really quick

hop them sorry guys I thought this would be over a lot faster I guess you could say I kind of Putin'd it just trying to be current you guys gotcha you could say I kind of Putin'd it. Just trying to be current, you guys. Yeah, timely. Gotcha. Too soon. Nice job. Alright.

That's going to be Caspia takes eight points of damage. Oh, the archers are more undead elves? Yep. Jesus. And you can see them, slightly different tokens up on high

platforms. And Jelf, you're going to take six points of piercing damage. And this one is gonna be Caspia again cuz she's out in the open

this is gonna be another six points of damage for Caspia as an arrow two arrows have thunked into her she goes oh dear not not great Cospi is pretty squishy. And then you guys hear a strange noise. There's like a stump, stump. And you hear this weird popping sound. Almost sounds like crows.

Like you see this creature coming down the east path. It has three heads and little faces and hands growing out of its body. Okay. The sound, it seems, is its faces trying to suck air in and having difficulty. It is horrifying to look at and has long claw-like fingers and the heads have long leech-like uh john carpenter's the thing mouths with kind of like leech-like tongues hanging out of jesus and on that note we'll have to find out what that's like to fight on the next episode of NerdPunk. Glad he showed up.

You are. I'm going to zoom in on that one. I'll text you guys what this looks like. Want to plug some things, my friend? Sure. My book, Tales of Zadia, I co-wrote with Cam Banks over at Cortex

for fandom. It's coming out March 27th, so please head to TalesOfZadia.com and, you know, binge the show and stuff. I think you guys will like it. It's a good time. And watch my stand-up dates. I'll post about them mostly on social media, but yeah, look for it. Cool. BrianPersine.com

for my tour dates. I've got Denver coming up, Spokane coming up, and then uh 420 my book um secret wars against weed and uh some other shit uh in the pipeline uh listen here and i'll talk about it also check out our uh our merch now's a time. Get a new shirt for the summer. Go medium. Show all the work you've been doing. Yeah, it's a good look. Yeah, I like that. Anybody else?

Nah? Blaine? I'm going to Great Neck this weekend with Stacy Keech. He's opening a Bob Smallboy. Oh, that's fantastic. Yeah, I'm just going to open up and do a little time.

Okay, great. Well, we appreciate your listening, as always. Thanks. Cool. Thanks for listening to another episode of NerdPoker. You can follow us at patreon.com slash nerd poker and you get bonus episodes from there. And you can also send us anything at P.O. Box one six zero six nine.

Encino, California. Nine one four one six. Thanks for listening. Hi, everyone. Engineer Sam here. Thanks for listening. bugs we're sneaking around which is what we do best we keep saying pyre and i cannot believe blaine didn't say pyre in the gomer pile voice at least once we're casting sneaky stuff on each other honestly some of our best crouching work jelf did some arrows without asking and caspia helped by stabbing herself tootie's doing some stabbing and these undead guards won't stop yelling out while we kill them everybody's keyboards and computers are shutting down and blaine shut down a night using murder and then tootie murdered another one there was a big fireball like at the end of a motley crew show

and we ended the show meeting a three-headed leech monster okay now you can stop listening to the podcast