Nerd Poker - S4E81 Death Knight Night

Episode Date: March 29, 2022

Undead elf knights pile on the Castaway Cuties, as well as something even more disgusting. At least they're not squishing around under the gallows anymore!

Hey everybody, I'm Brian Pussain, Comedian, writer, actor, nerd. I've been playing D&D with my friends for a long time. I decided to do a new podcast where we play Dungeons & Dragons in my very own dining room. With my wife, kid, and my noisy dogs. So meet my friends Sarah, Kev, Dan, Lee, Chris. Now it's time for another episode of Brian Poussaint's Nerd Poker. Season 4. Hey, everybody.

It's Brian Poussaint. You're listening to my Nerd Poker. By me. Just me. No one else. I don't... It's all my friends. It's hardly me

sometimes I fall asleep let's get going that's my DM we'll meet him in a second but Sarah's here how are you doing hello can you hear me

oh I'm sorry I thought I wasn't required today hi it's me I'm here I made fun of myself at the, I thought I wasn't required today. Hi, it's me. I'm here. I'm here. I made fun of myself at the end of that. Didn't you catch that part? I know, so did I. All right.

There we go. Blaine's here. Look at him. One, two, three. Oh. How are you, buddy? I'm good. My baby don't mess around.

I don't think I said what episode number this is. It's 81. But that's, if you're counting. It's a 79 with two fingers up your ass. God. Yeah, we are. You're right. Welcome home, everyone.

Yeah. You're right. Chris is here, everybody. Oh, man. Just thinking about those two fingers up everybody's asses. Yep. What a night. If I were president.

Ken's here, you guys. I don't mind an extra finger. I'm just saying. What a night. If I were president, Ken's here, you guys. I don't mind an extra finger. I'm just saying. Two is fine. Three or four, let's go. And last but not least, the guy that's got to keep us in control and not kill us today.

Dan Telford, everybody. Look at him. Hey, Brian. I make sure to take all my rings off before i have a little hand fun that's because you're a good guy yeah it's a sign of respect like for sure why keep a little ceramic bowl next to the bed you know what i'm saying oh yeah for the rings he knew everybody else made a face brian probably right away don't put your contacts in that thing anyways speaking of shanky hey good pink guy speaking of puppets there he is uh i said this before i was wrong on the number it actually cost 140140 million for Stan Winston's company to create this puppet that is sitting on Sam's lap.

How are you able to take that back from the workshop and take it home? It's such an expensive piece of equipment. You're not supposed to, and I'm going to prison for it. The cutest dog ever. This is the second version. I had Rick Baker make one, but it was terrifying. Way too many teeth. Yeah, exactly.

The belly opened and there was another mouth. He's an amazing puppet. Such good work. I gave him a Tootsie Roll today and he enjoyed it. I don't think you're supposed to do that, I realize. No, I don't think you are. Oh my God, it's poison. Chocolate is poison for dogs, you guys.

Licky ate like four boxes of See's candy once in like a sitting. Jesus Christ. She lived through that. With Mavis' help. I'm sure Mavis had some. But, yeah. I wish her grapes were Mavis had some, but yeah. I always heard grapes were bad for them.

You know, yeah. It's like a chocolate can kill your pet, but also could just give them explosive diarrhea for a week. It's really, you know, depends on the chocolate and the cat or the dog. I know they can eat black spray paint cans.

Cause yeah, they don't like nuts. Except their own. my dog ate an entire container of stroopwafels those things you put on top oh those are so good you know what i've done that too including the plastic wrap though and the cardboard around it like really truly the Ken one time raminate an entire tube of date paste yay one time my dog ate unlimited doors Mavis used to eat doors

really yeah quite a few she ate doors and yeah pretty much I don't recommend that breed if you're not into redoing your house when the dog's a year old. One of my kids used to gnaw on their crib, and we couldn't sell it or give it away at the end of their time with the crib because there were tooth marks all along the entire rail. Should have gotten it some teethers.

Teething is painful, I guess. Can't fight the teether alright we gonna thank some people my friend oh I'd love to Brian thank you one and all for listening to our podcast it keeps us feeling like creative human souls

but a big shout out to those of you who actually run this podcast with your generous Patreon payments. You go by usernames like John Zosh. Thanks. Thank you, John. Thank you, Thumb Wars.

Thanks, Thumb Wars. Thank you, Jeff Clark. Thanks, Jeff. Thank you, Matt Wiens. Thank you, TikTok Clark. Thanks, Jeff. Thank you, Matt Wiens. Thanks. Thank you, TikTok's Thick Clock. Thank you, Michael Downing. Thank you.

Thanks, Michael. Thank you. Right, Morton? Thank you, Chimmy. Thank you. Thank you. Thanks, Blaine's Infectious dot dot dot rolling laughter. Polo.

Thank you. I swear this time I won't mention Matt DeMarco. That guy Dan knows from Chicago Improv. Tried so hard. Thank you Randy Ott. Thank you Derek Levesere. Thank you Noel L. Scher. Thank you.

Thank you Ian Webb. Thanks Christopherer. Thank you. Thank you. Ian Webb. Thanks, Christopher Castro. Thanks, P. Keller. Thank you, Blaine's Gains. Thank you for saying you're sorry. Thank you, Blaine's Gains and Autumnal Meals.

Polo. Thank you, Andrew Fish. Thank you. Sam meals polo thank you andrew fish thank you sam and ramen's salmon ramen and topless gym real place it's a real mouthful but also a real brainful thank you happy fifth anniversary moala from snake ah sounds like we've got some fun little dnt character happy birthday messages long distance dedication anniversary thank you totus emptor thank you sunnyland grow thank you tea baggins thank you kilt Jack. Thank you, Monster Party. Thank you, Craig McCallum. Thank you. I hope it's a big

mouse. Thank you. Thank you. Bach Lobster. Down, down. Thank you, the Electric Bear. Thank you. Thank you, Cavorting Canuck. And finally, no. Thank you, The Electric Bear. Thank you. Thank you, Cavorting Canuck. Thank you.

And finally, no. Thank you, Billy and Terry's Excellent Crustacean Massage Therapy. Thank you. Monster Party is Matt Weinhold's podcast, I believe. Oh, that's cool. Yeah. That's all caps, Monster Party. So maybe that's just Matt Weinhold supporting us. Oh, that's cool. Yeah. That's all caps, Monster Party, so maybe that's just Matt Weinhold

supporting us. Thanks, Matt Weinhold, or person who is also a Monster Party. Hey, Blaine, who are these various names brought to us by? Dan, these various names are brought to us by... Infringios. We've got it all.

McDonald's, Beatles, Disney, Madonna, Rolling Stones, Apple, Microsoft, Amazon, Macy's, and more, more, more. Did we mention Disney? All for cheap. It's all here and more at Infrenzio's. Dan. Thank you, boy. Wow, what a sponsor. And now it's time to tell you what.

They've got everything, Dan. Oh, they've got everything. Oh. Oh, no. All right. It's time to tell you what happened last time on Nerd Poker. The castaway cuties wanted to break into Flasicola unnoticed, so they come up through a little manhole,

and what do they discover? A whole bunch of elves. And then while they were kind of hiding, Jelf thought, I know a chill way to get these elves kind of taken care of while we're unnoticed. I will fire arrows into them. So we took you to that already in progress. So, yeah, you guys engaged with basically the Vendarian army that is occupying Flayzacola.

You are entrenched in this sort of town square area. You've been hiding under fruit carts and gallows. Right now, I'm counting 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11 known elves that you are in combat with. You have killed two. And in addition to that, stomping up an alley in the southeast, which is the general direction you believe Bahamut's temple is,

some sort of horror is coming your way. A very large creature with multiple heads and dozens of faces on it, making strange popping noises as they attempt to aspirate is marching towards all of you. And given that Nathan just popped off a fireball and there's generally been a lot of commotion, I would assume you were all like, Oh yeah,

more might be coming. And this was the more so start things off. This horror is going to take a turn. And it's going to head up here. It's going to start coming out of the alley between two buildings, turn to its left and see Jelf, and stomp towards him. Jelf is the closest by a pretty fair amount.

It is now going to stare at you. I'm going to need you to do a charisma saving throw. Hey, is this... Sorry, I was looking. I'm glad you're sorry once again, but I really appreciate all these apologies for the horrible things you say. It's me, sorry.

I've been listening to a lot of passing wine. Don't be sorry about that. I just want to see if I'm immune to any sort of magical things. What's this guy throwing at me? Well, let's see. He is a large monstrosity. He is a large monstrosity. He's a large monstrosity. He is about

to... Let's see. I got a 19 minus 1 18. But I want to see if I'm... Right, right. I get to choose what kind of

damage it is because he's doing a very special attack so don't tell me what you're immune to I'm gonna pick and then I'll tell you let's see so he is using a gaze of despair I'm gonna have you rolling this charisma. And it's on a failed save. The target becomes overwhelmed with despair and has disadvantage on attack roll, saving throws and ability checks. But you made it. So that's good for you.

He's now going to claw you. So he was trying to lace. How about despair of nuts? Right? You told him, Jell. Despair of nuts. Oh, I see. Despair of nuts.

Now he's going to claw at me? Yep. He's going to claw at this pair of nuts. I had to be claw at balls. I was flying recently and a flight attendant handed me those warm nuts you get on American Airlines. Yeah. And I said, thanks for these.

Did you say your friend called? She didn't go, what? So I could go, D's nuts. I think that's probably good. Yeah, it's great. D's nuts. Is that hard?

I think I've said it on here before. My favorite Snoop Dogg one is where he just throws it away. He goes, did what's-her-name get at you? And the person goes, who? And he goes, Deez Nuts. That's not even a good setup. Anyway, keep going. I shall.

Blaine, what is your AC? This guy just rolled a 17 hit. My AC is 15. All right. So he is now going to do 2d8 plus 5 slashing damage. That's a lot. You guys are fine. So that's 17 points of slashing damage for Jelf

you okay? no but I'm going to can I take an opportunity to Jelf out of there? no! okay on your turn you can but it is not your turn it is still this guy's turn and he's going to take another

slash at you what a prick. I hope he duffs it. Is he or isn't he going to make any more Guns N' Roses references? This is going to be 25 to hit.

Oh, that is a hit. Jeez. And he didn't want to talk or anything. Dan's trying to wrap this up by episode 82 or so that's next week guys blaine do you have any hit points left uh yes but not for long apparently cool well this thing's turn is done. Next in the turn order is Ken. Hello, Ken. Hi.

I am going to cast Sanctuary on my friend Nathan. Ooh. I hope that it helps something. Thank you. You're welcome. What's that? I haven't looked at it. Sanctuary is, they have to do a wisdom save to attack you. Wow.

Cool. Nice. Wow. Cool. Nice. And I guess that is it for now. Okay. Are you going to stay up in that northern alley with Nathan for now? I think no. I think I'm going to back up and try to come around the back. Like off map? Like Pac-Man, yeah. I'm going to come come around the back. Like off map?

Like Pac-Man, yeah. I'm going to come up on the bottom. Okay. So let's see. You can... We're going to have to put you sort of on the edge of the map because you're going way out. That's fine.

You want to go like up in the corner? That's where the sun is. Yeah, that works. Way out. That's where the sun is. Way out. That's where the sun is. There's a little man there. And up next is Caspia.

Caspia is going to follow you because she's gotten a little uh, she's gotten a little fucked up. Her hit points are not looking great. So off she's gonna go as far as she can. Happens to run up to Nathan and get that far with her, her traveling speed. Princess, are you all right?

I've been better, if I'm being perfectly honest, but, you know, such is the life of adventurers like us. Yes. Ron, I can see your ribs. They're falling out. Whoops. OK, and then we're going to do Brian. Brian, you're up. Oh, cool. Let's do it.

You are if you look on roll 20. You do to do the you're you're kind of facing off against an elf You are, if you look on roll 20, you're kind of facing off against an elf, kind of poking out of a, you're underneath or coming out of some fruit carts. Would you like to try to finish this guy off? Yeah, I would. How far away am I from him? He's right in front of you.

OK, so I will slash as many times as you'll let me. Well, let's give it a shot. All right here. Watch this shit, yo. Mm-mm-mm. Ah, yes. That's what mama likes. 19 plus 6, you guys.

Oh, that's mama Celeste. I'm on my short sword here to hit. To hit. Those are, yeah. Roll that damage. I did that to hit, Dan. Oh, you hit. Yeah, yeah.

And then three plus three equals six. Great. On the damage. That's the damage I did. Two attacks per action. So would you like to do that again per your earlier statement? I'm on it. Ah, boo. attacks per action. So would you like to do that again for your earlier statement? On it?

Blue. Three plus six is nine, so nope. Yes, they need a 17 to be hit. They're heavily armored. Up next is going to be Chris. Mr. Tom and what's Nathan up to? Hey, I was wondering, does Danny get any bonus actions? Danny, you might get like a monk because you're a super monk.

You get like you might get bonus actiony attack stuff if you want to do it. Is that what the Internet says? I think. Well, if your character sheet, if you just look at if you click bonus action. Yeah, you've got to use a key point for most of them. How many key points do you have? I mean, all of them. Nice.

I haven't used them lately. So, yeah, if you tap on the old bonus action. Oh, that's right. I used to do that, but I haven't done Flurry of Blows or Unarmed Strike in quite a while. Yeah, and also there's some stuff in there that people i know fans are excited for you to be using like step of the wind and shadow step so keep an eye on opportunities to those are all these things i've asked about but i've never i don't think we've ever had a time where i could use it or maybe i have when you're in dim light or darkness is a

bonus section are we in darkness you can teleport up to 60 feet yeah you've used that in a chase before um you're kind of under the wind cart so you could use it um you are able to use it now you could do a step of the wind also but i think you've used them in like doubles your yeah yeah it doubles your jump distance unarmed strike um this guy's looking really bad in front of you though i mean if you were to do an unarmed i'm gonna do an unarmed strike. This guy's looking really bad in front of you, though. I mean, if you were to do an unarmed strike... I'm going to do an unarmed strike. Okay, go for it. Flurry of blows is more than one strike, right? How do you roll flurry

of blows? Flurry of blows is two unarmed strikes on top. Oh, there it is. Nice. I'm going to do that. Oh, nice. 19 plus six again. 25.

Sweet. Roll that damage. All right. Four. Oh, he's one plus four. He's gagging on blood. Not quite dead. Do I roll again on Flurry of Blows or no?

Yes, one more on Armstrike. Oh, hopefully. Let's see. 12 plus 6? Yep. Yay! It's an 18. Oh, I know. Yeah. Legending. 3 plus 3

that is 6 shove it up your stupid dick punch you in your fucking face I'm Danny I'm a fucking badass I can't sing I liked what you tried to do there

I recognized the Spider-Man theme. Yeah, look out. Here comes the Brian song. Hey. Oh, boy. That would be the worst superhero. Boy. Brian song, Brian song.

When I was a kid, when I was a kid, I hated that movie. I was like, oh, that's awesome. That's a great movie. That movie has my name. Oh, no. Oh, man. It was terrible, oh, that's awesome. That movie has my name. Oh, no. Oh, man, it was terrible. Rough stuff. Brian, as you punch this guy with your,

this armored soldier with your bare hands, how would you like to see him die? He's armored? Yeah. I want to damage the armor and then have parts of his body leak out through the holes in his armor.

Alright. Smush him. So yeah, you find a weak spot in the armor. You punch the armor and it crinkles inwards and this foam of flesh and blood kind of squirts out in all directions around it. Right in the neck. I like it. I like it. i like it a

lot now you're technically out of uh this guy's range because he dead and you haven't used any movement do you want to like run towards anyone i don't know if you're in roll 20 right now but if you go west there's a couple of guys one of them's badly damaged and if you go east jelf is pretty fucked up and he's surrounded to help one of my friends yeah i'm gonna go help jelf great so uh let me let me open it that'd be great yeah because like what you can do for instance is there's an an elf warrior between you who's pretty screwed up. He's taken a beating and I've softened him up for you.

And you, you know, could get Jeff and yourself to have him. What is it called when there's two people, one on either side, flanking, flanking, you could flank this guy. If you move him, if you're in there for that right here, two people, one on either side, flanking, flanking. You could flank this guy. If you move him, if you're in there for that right here. Thank you very much. Mm hmm. Thanks for. And yeah, the link to roll 20 is in the zoom chat.

If anyone here. Oh, I'm here. Sweet. I'm just coming into the room. Watch this. Here I am. D-D-D. Brian, doing this is brought to you by Poirot in a can. French detection

when you need it. Poirot in a can. I thought I was covering it pretty well with the D-D-Ds, but yeah, okay. Carlos Mencia, we'll be right back. You son of a bitch. Brian, you see your token down near the bottom there? Yeah.

So yeah, if you want to move near Jelf and flank this elf over here, do it. Where is Jelf? How far up? Jelf is this black and white drawing over here. So you've got enough distance where you could run over there and flank that. I'll like in the jail, flanking the jail.

Everybody got to go to jail. Yeah, but I would move him a little more on the opposite side because you got to get him by more than 90 degrees to flank him. There you go. Cool. And that next brings us to. And that next brings us to first home. And we almost had you go now.

It's really your time to shine. Awesome. I will. Can I see I have are you hidden or are you like me? I'm right here, buddy. No, I have a. Oh, I didn't hear you. I, I disengaged, I. No, Iva. Oh. I didn't hear you there. I disengaged, I believe, but I didn't hide. I mean, I'm sort of like, I'm disengaged from the guy I was fighting with. Nathan can see you all the way on the other side of the courtyard.

I don't know, because I'm behind the fruit cart or under the fruit cart thing. Right. I'm just looking at your token. Right. If I look by the tokens, it looks like I have line of sight. I just was wondering. I didn't want to decide unless you thought you were hiding under stuff. I feel like you would know.

I think I popped out here when I was fighting him and disengaging from him. So maybe you probably would see me. Great. So Nathan's going to pull out his carrot wand and cast message. And I'm going to tell Ive. It's like, I'm going to follow Tootie. We're running north and hiding. We're running north and hiding. We're running north and

hiding around the corner to the east. Good luck to you. A lot of people between me and the north. Maybe if we get separated, you can We'll try to meet up. Yeah, we can do a button hook. Are you taking

the princess? The princess and 2D. Okay. Cool. All right, and then I will use my movement to follow 2D. Great. And actually what I'll do is I'll grab the princess's, not grab, if she'll let me, I'll hold hands with the princess. is not grab i will if she'll let me i'll hold hands with the princess and i'll hold my movement until it's her turn so that way the two of us together can run up and follow 2d okay first of

all as you that is my turn first of all as you grab cosby's hand she says oh shantae and then uh can you remind me because you're pretty dnd savvy also chris how does it work when you're trying to share movement with somebody? Like is, does it mean you like have your, I'm just holding my, I'm holding my move until it's her turn. I just don't want to like run away from her and have her get it.

Oh, you're holding it for her turn. Got it. That makes sense. So when she's able to run, my thought is the two of us could. Great. I missed that.

If you worded it that way and I didn't put those pieces together. It's all good. Again, thank you for apologizing. I really... It's... I live off other people's sorrow. I'm sorry, man. Oh, wow. Oh, sorry. Yeah, I don't know if I ever told you that.

Explains a lot. Yeah, write that down. Thank you. Sorrow Empire. Sarah. It's your turn. My turn? Yes.

All right. So I've just received that message. At least I know that's going on. I'm going to fire an arrow at that thing. Monstrosity. Since I will have sneak attack since he is does have people within five feet of him. Yes. Namely Jelf. So let's go ahead and do that.

You know what? That's a miss. Let me see if I have any luck points left because I feel like I need to use one if I do. This just in. Beach Boy's in transporter accident. Mike love, now Mike hate. More at 11. I'm going to try again after my luck point. Okay, that's a 24 to hit. That's a hit. And it's gonna do 5 points and...

Last, okay so it's barely any damage but I get to do my sneak attack damage. Oh, this is an arrow? Yeah. Okay. This calculation brought to you by Jim Jam's Interior Monologue Shop. We'll build you an interior monologue for you to mumble to yourself while you do things like math and planning.

22 points of damage from that arrow. It roars as this thing cuts into its flesh and sticks there. That's good. And then I'm going to use my bonus action to hide, I guess, again, in this cart. Okay. Sweet.

That'll then bring us around to Blaine. Hey, Blaine. Hey. You're between one of these armored soldiers and a giant elven horror that has been slashing at you. What would you like to do? I would like to...

Here's what I'd like to do, Dan. Well, tell me the full story. Here's what I'd like to do. Now, I don't know if you've ever heard of the concept of a timeshare. This is going to sound a lot like a timeshare. Oh, well, I love vacations. I think that's what it is, right? It's really not a timeshare but oh i love vacations i think that's really it's not a timeshare

so don't go thinking that i'm going now is this like airbnb where i have to pay a lot of cleaning fees yeah it's like air dnd uh hey i would like to uh i would like to kind of get going yes i would like to retreat down this way i'm i've got the long strider going on, so I'm pretty fast. But I'd like to retreat and fire a couple of explosive arrows into the monstrosity. I just want to get out of its range. Okay. Is that at all possible? Let's see. I need to check a couple of things.

You can... You got a choice. And I'm feeding this to you unlike some more cruel dungeon masters who might just let you get smushed right now. Okay. You can use your action to fire those explosive arrows per your wish. Or you can use your action to fire those explosive arrows per your wish

or you can use your action to disengage so both the soldier and the horror don't get attack of opportunities on you as you run away from them you know what i'm gonna do that because i'm pretty fucked up and i want to get out of range and then start hitting them with arrows i hope i hope brian doesn't mind he just ran up up. Hey, what's up? I'm leaving. Don't worry about me. Yeah, I'm just going to get some range, so I'm going to kind of run down here a little bit.

Friends understand. We're friends. Great. I love it. So you're in for the timeshare then? Watch me. It's not really a timeshare. You'll just read the brochure. Take my money. And I'm looking at what you did on the map lane you didn't use your full movement is that because you kind of want to stay near the edge of this alley where you can fire arrows

oh uh maybe i don't have enough uh view on my yeah because like if you were here where were you you you move 15 feet you could get all the way to the back of this alley if you wanted to uh i'm trying to figure out where i can stay that i would be uh uh just in range of of uh arrow range of the sky you know you can do i'll i'll help a bro out. If you wanted, see, there's a little bit past this well to the South. There's some wooden crates with a tarp over them that you could climb on top of that would give you a higher vantage point. I see it. Let me jump over the well and fall in.

Okay. Oh, so I'm going to do that. I'm going to head down to this, uh, right down to the well to quote my friend, black Francis on the incredibly underrated boss. Excellent reference.

That's going to bring us to some archers. Not the hit cartoon. So this is not going to be H. John Benjamin, but rather some undead assholes. So there's going to be some thwips. Archers of loaf. That's even better, Archer. Who's got eyes on somebody? So right now we've got an elf, kind of northeast-ish, more east, has eyes on somebody? So right now we've got an elf kind of northeast ish.

More east has eyes on Danny. They're going to pop an arrow at Danny. It's going to be 20 to hit. Ryan, that is going to be eight points of piercing damage. Dee, dee, dee. Do, do, do, do, do, do. You get sliced by an arrow, and then one. You get sliced by an arrow.

Nice. Oh, my God. Classic. Classic. Ryan. You fucking nailed him to the wall. I am shook. Doing that joke for more than 35 years.

Posein classic. Posein classic. All right. When are we playing a quiplash again? Now. I quit. Oh. So, yeah, uh,

yeah, one more elf has eyes on Nathan and Caspia. It's going to see. Yep, that'll be enough. Dan, I'm going to remind you, unfortunately, of my sanctuary.

Uh-oh. You don't say. I do. I think I want to attack me first. He has to make a wisdom saving throw. Oh, he didn't make it. Oh, never mind then. He failed it.

The saving throw? Yeah. Wow. So I think he has to pick somebody else, I believe. All right. He's going to pick Princess Caspia. Sorry, lady. And that is eight plus 12 to hit.

She has 16 armor class, so it just sort of grazes over her leather shoulder pad. And she goes, eww! Bob Nelson shoulder pad. Then the knights are going to take some of this. Bob Nelson? Yeah. You remember the shoulder pad?

Chris Koskiowski. So funny. All right. First of all, these two guys near the center, a little bit to the northwest, are gonna let's see, how far can they run? They see

Nathan, Kaspia, and Tooties, they'll run away. They only have 30 feet of... He's a little run away. So you guys, you two, Nathan and Kaspia, see these two elves running after you. Uh-oh. This one is going to head towards Danny

and unwittingly, Iva also. It's cool, man, because now I've got Jovi in my head. Whoa! She can really put the rum away. This guy is going to run around. We won't see where he's headed just yet,

but he's trying to get around Danny's side to flank Danny. Danny is quickly being surrounded. And then the guy up in Danny's face is going to take a swing at him. That's what he thinks.

Oh, man. He does think it, so it'd be interesting to see how this goes. Like, goes nuts? Oh, I get it. It's going to be a 13 hit. Danny, you've got a 16 armor class, so he swings and misses, and then... 15.

Another miss. Good. I said, how long you been doing that one since that episode? It's like 25 ish years. Yeah. Then we're going to do the, is it the second time they get a trampoline? How many trampolines do they get on that show? It's all trampolines. Trampolines all the way down.

The elven horror is going to stomp towards Danny. It's an actual prostitute. Gaze into his eyes. Danny, will you please do a charisma saving throw? He's going to try to do something to your brain. Don't look at him. Look away. Look, there's some dogs humping.

Uh-huh. Just an 11. 8 plus 3. It's going to be a fail. Uh oh. Alright. Right now, you are going to feel

agonizing pain shoot through your eyes into your head. This is not going well. As you make eye contact with its strange white eyes. It'd be 13 points of psychic damage. Oh, no.

Oh, no. Oh, no, no, no, no, no. And now it's going to swing at you with its claws, Danny. Hold on. I'm at zero right now. You're at zero. I only had 13 points. Okay.

Then, Danny, you fall unconscious and this thing is going to pick you up. What? Leave him alone. He's dead. That'll do it for this turn. It is now holding Danny's unconscious

body. Touching. Ken, it for this turn. It is now holding Danny's unconscious body. Aw. Karate. Touching. Ken, it's your turn. Fuck. I'm going to cast... I'm going to channel Divinity, Emissary of Peace,

which gives me a plus five bonus to charisma checks for the next ten minutes. And I'm going to move in around the corner. Where the fudge is made. Yes. Not stopping for milk, not stopping for lemonade. It was a mad scramble

to get that joke in. Everybody's on it. All right. What's your movement? I don't know, a million. This would be a great time to know the answer. My movement is 25, so I maybe moved too many. I think you might have actually moved fine.

I thought you didn't move enough. Oh. You get here. Okay. Halfway there. Yeah, you get here. OK. Halfway there. Yeah, yeah, yeah. There I am. Where is Thumper? All right.

Weird. All right. Up next is Caspia. Caspia just got grazed and tell shit is starting to go south. Starting to. I thought we were in Tallahassee. We're down in the equator for fuck's sake.

Jesus. Welcome to Quito. So she is going to turn around and say, Nathan, trust me. And I'm going to make a lot of noise on our way out. You feel the air get kind of thick and the smell of ozone fills everyone's nostrils. zone fills everyone's nostrils. She raises a hand, a paw, and there is a

giant explosion of thunder right on top of the elven horror. Oh, the elven horror. Nice. It does not make the constitution saving throw. It's actually just like a cheese sauce on toast.

It's pronounced elven rarebit. Drops Danny and takes some thunder damage. Cool thunder. And then she says, Alright, Danny, now let's get the fuck out of here. And she heads around the corner where Tootie went. Nathan, are you joining her?

Yes. Wait. Don't you pick me up? So I'll go in the hidey hole. And I'm shocked to see that Tootie has disappeared. I imagine we're shocked to see that 2D has

disappeared Danny I'm gonna that's Brian Posehn ladies and gentlemen it's your turn I'm gonna need you to do a death saving throw how do you do that on this it's got this okay there might be a button on roll 20 but I'm not sure where it is.

Oh, yeah. It might be on your hit points. No. You have to set your hit points to zero, I think, and then it comes up. Oh, do what? Set your hit points to zero. And then the saving throw thing will come up. Well, it says... There is a thing on the screen. It will come up. Well, it says...

There is a thing on the screen. It says Failure Success Death Saves. So what do I do? You just click on it. Yeah, click it. There's a little dice icon. Attention. Attention.

Will Danny make his death saving throw? 16? Yay! So mark down that you've got one success if it doesn't for you but everyone you'll remember that nice good work

sadly you remain unconscious if you roll 20 on a death saving throw you do wake up and you automatically made all your successes Chris it's your turn 20 on a death saving throw, you do wake up and you automatically made all your successes. Chris, it's your turn. Alright, so seeing that 2D's not

there, I'll sort of like continue my momentum. I'm assuming to sort of here to see 2D headed down. Does that sound right to you, Dan? It does. Alright, so I will turn back to

Princess Cospy and say hurry he's here so basically come up behind 2D and say what's the plan? staying out of danger

cool there are several murderers coming up behind us! Hopefully we can surprise attack and do some heal. Roger dodger. Alright, I will hold an attack if somebody comes into view around, back around this building. Great, and um...

My turn. We should do a reminder because we haven't played the main campaign in a few weeks and also listeners will perhaps enjoy a reminder you are coming around the outskirts of a building to the east of this little square where everyone is in combat and i think it was iva who did an insight check to vaguely remember which direction bahamas temple was might have been ken might have been 2d but uh it's to the east so as you guys round this building you vaguely all of you feel like oh right like we just got a little closer to the temple and we're away from the fight and uh at the very least just in cospia kind of goes

like oh we could make a run for the temple 2dotie. Which one of you is responsible at the moment for the petrified body of Panzuzu? I thought I left it in the car, right? We cracked the window. Should be okay. I can be in charge of it unless somebody else wants to be. So then it definitely occurs

to you, Nathan. You're like, oh, we got Tootie and the Hammer. I'm carrying this thing like. We got to save our friends, right, but also like if if not for that, we could make a run right for the temple. Yeah, that's all. Oh, that tension is in the air. I want to alert all those playing all those playing and guess what? Next turn goes to Iva.

Okay. Um, so I am going to look at the map, see what's going on here. And then I guess, Oh God, this sucks. Okay.

I'm going to, um, Oh god, this sucks. Okay, I'm gonna, um... I'm going to use my movement to move to this alleyway... over here. Okay. And then I'm going to, on the other side of this guy, and then I'm gonna again shoot an arrow at him. Great. On my way out.

He's still upright, right? He just was thundered? Yes. And Danny is right there under him? Yeah, like on the ground. Hmm. Okay, Danny, sorry. I can't. There's six,

like, four people around there. Don't sweat it. Okay, I will, I will shoot an arrow. So maybe, maybe that'll help us find out. Sorry, D&D Beyond is frozen for a moment. Okay. And I roll and the roll is a 15. Question mark.

That is going to be a hit okay and nice now i get um is it a sneak attack because danny's body is in front of him he does have an enemy in front of him but the enemy is unconscious do i get a sneak attack for that i don't think so i'm'm looking. The monster doesn't know. Danny might have another monster in his pocket. No, I think if he's unconscious, it doesn't count. Then I need to do a... It's like about a threat, you know? Then, okay, yes.

The ally needs to not be. But I can do a... I do have a bonus action that allows me to use Insightful Fighting to make an insight check against him contested by the target's deception check. Okay. And if I succeed, then I can still use it, so... He rolls a seven.

I rolled a 23 so then that's a hit and I get to add up my hit for that while Blaine makes jokes right? oh uh that's how it works

how about Incus and Efren get rid of congestion the ink away human sacrifice Incus and Efrine, get rid of congestion the ink away, human sacrifice Incusinephrine, breathing free and clear Incusinephrine, sorry fire truck perfect opportune time I'll be right down you guys we're doing a reboot of Emergency

it's called Emergency and it's got a question mark and that's the gritty thing. That's the exclamation point. Yeah. And this time, it's Randolph Manteith. There's a whole bunch of them, and he's been cloned, and that's the gimmick.

It's the whole fire department of one guy and then an army of clones, and, of course, a dupe of a dupe of a dupe is very, very low res, and so there's a lot of a lot of drop and stuff and fires sarah i'm sorry my original reference there so i got very lost in my imagination that's amazing i got it all i understood my short-term memory is shot today i have no memory of why he was rolling a deception check sarah i lost it oh it's fine it was to give my sneak attack which i got and so now he is taking 20 points of damage awesome you have his attention now too like he's he was already reeling after dropping it uh dropping danny's attention though uh he was looking for a target

after that thunderclap and now you've got his attention shoot because i wanted to just sneak away now but hey blaine you were you had some uh jokes I wanted to just sneak away now, but. Hey Blaine, you were, you had some jokes you wanted to do. Now it's your turn. Jelf can do some jokes. Oh,

uh, Hey, what's brown and sticky? A stick. Ha ha. Uh, I got, I got nothing. Um,

I'm going to, uh, I'm going to unleash a couple of arrows into, uh, the, the head of the thing. Great. The elven horror. Let's say 13 plus 9 is 22. And a 7 plus 9 is 16.

That is a hit. 2D. 1D, 8 plus 4, 7 plus 4, 11. 8 plus 4, 12, 23. And then they're exploding. Yes. So that's another 2d6. So 22 plus 9 is 30 what?

32. 32, thanks, Jesus. 32 and 8 is 40. Jeez Louise! Hey Blaine, how would you like to see this horror die? I'd love to, Dan. I'd like to see a bunch of tourists come around the corner, and they go, hey look, it's that guy from Scanners!

Get a picture of me with that guy from Scanners! And the family all comes over to the guy, they stand in front of him they all go cheese and then right when they do that his head blows out the back shotgun style i love it on that note they go oh no i blink we'll have to we'll have to find out how they clean up that mess on the next episode of nerd poker sam this episode 81 much like congress we're battling horrors uh there's a usual nerd poker amount of arrows and flurries of blows and uh needing dan's help to add dice together danny punched someone to death and jelf put some distance between himself and a horror. There's elves and soldiers all doing dickhead stuff.

And Danny and other people I love are taking damage. Caspia came through with some thunder help and I absolutely forgot we're still doing something with Panzuzu and a hammer. A lot going on here. Lastly, two important things. One, I was actually unfamiliar with Brian's song. I knew the title, but I didn't know what it was about

and I googled it and now I have to lay down. And finally, Brian, you it's not the trampoline. You are thinking of the episode where Bart tries to jump from the treehouse into the pool. Oh, yes. The pool. And he breaks his leg. And yeah. Yeah.

And he was ha ha. And then Milhouse goes, I think he's really hurt. And then. Yeah. Yeah. And then he goes really hurt and then yeah yeah yeah and then he goes i said yeah sepsis did it anything you want to plug damn yes this is the week a book is about to come out on march 29th so please pre-order it there will be fun things that happen if you pre-order it you get a digital copy

either way but you can also get a physical book and you can see me thank my pets in the special thanks as well as my family and yeah it was a lot of fun to write it's of course the tabletop role playing adaptation of

the Dragon Prince on Netflix and yeah it's called tales of zadia go get it off our website tales of zadia.com you've heard me say it for 30 ish episodes uh that is my main plug thank you how do you spell zadia congress uh x-a-d-I-A. Thank you. I've got tour dates, BrianPersane.com. Going to be in Boston at the Wilbur Theater

on the 29th of April. This week my book came out through Heavy Metal Magazine. It's episode one of Axe. It's a six-part story, but it's in the current issue of Heavy Metal.

Anybody else? Oh, Stacy Keith's got Gritty Duty this week, so I'm going to be opening for him in Philadelphia. And we do a bit where I throw batteries at him. That's amazing. I was like, why do you need me? You're going to be in Philadelphia. They're going to be throwing batteries at you.

He's like, no, just in case. He's like, don't worry about it. Cool. Thanks for listening. Thanks for listening to another episode of Nerd Poker poker you can follow us at patreon.com slash nerd poker and you get bonus episodes from there and you can also uh send us anything at p.o box one six zero six nine encino california nine one four one six thanks for listening.