Nerd Poker - S4E82 Bloodbath at the Gallows

Episode Date: April 5, 2022

Well, we all knew things might end up messy when our crew snuck under some gallows and then picked a fight with an army. As hit points start to run low for everyone, it sure would be nice to take a short rest wouldn't it?

Hey everybody, I'm Brian Pussain, Comedian, writer, actor, nerd. I've been playing D&D with my friends for a long time. I decided to do a new podcast where we play Dungeons & Dragons in my very own dining room. With my wife, kid, and my noisy dogs. So meet my friends Sarah, Kev, Dan, Lee, Chris. Now it's time for another episode of Brian Pussain's Nerd Poker. Season 4. Hey, everybody.

I'm Brian Pussain. You're listening to Brian Pussain's Nerd Poker. It's episode 82, you guys. We did it. One of my favorite years. High school sucked, but the movies were great that year and the music was great too but my friends are here look at them

hello Chris hey Star Trek 2 the Rathacon 1982 yeah no shit right the thing yeah sure that was gonna be mine the thing I like that yeah me too.

How are you doing, buddy? Blaine Kipach. Favorite movie from 1982. I'm going to go with The Graduate. You son of a bitch. Dan, hello. Whoa, easy. Blade Runner.

Oh, yeah. Good one. Classic. Sarah, yeah. Good one. Classic. Sarah, how are you? I'm good, and the answer is The Last Unicorn. Is that qualified? Is that 82?

No. It is 82. Chris is shaking his head. And it is the only movie that I would have seen that year, but I remember being horrified and not so much. Yeah, I was just gonna say, you were probably pretty young And that movie's terrifying if you're young I think my parents were confused because of the word unicorn Yeah did you see it with a double With Watership Down

Yeah probably Oh god Good lord It's a bunny movie I'm five Why not It's gonna see the funny rabbits Holy fuck Sam's here you guys It's a bunny movie. I'm five. Why not? Yeah. It's going to see the funny rabbits. Holy fuck.

Sam's here, you guys. Hello, sweet children. And I will say Steamboat Willie. You said that or Terry? Terry said that's the only movie he's ever seen. It's crazy. That and the one where the train comes at the screen. Right.

He was very scared scared that's from that night he got locked in a museum of old films uh huh Harry would never set foot in a museum I've just seen that one where the moon gets the rocket in the eye and it looks all bad my favorite Smashing Pumpkins video Tom Kenny

uh uh uh Angel Tally Dan how you doing I'm doing great you want me any. That's right. And Jill Talley. Yeah. Dan, how are you doing? I'm doing great. You want me to go ahead and thank some people who support us?

If you're feeling it. Nah, I'm feeling the vibes. Let's talk about them. They go by Patreon usernames like Emily Webb. Hello and thank you.

Thank you. Thank you. Thank you, Travis Finley. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Steinmetz Pianos

requires attunement thank you thank you ashley bradbury thank you thanks jay riley thanks andrew hatter thanks brian jones thank you thank you bryce spider lisser Lisser. Yeah. You know what? Thanks. Thanks. A doll with West Borland eyes. Ew. Josh. Good old Josh. Thanks. Ryan Martz. Thanks. Evan Shaw.

Thanks. Juergen Lurz. Juergen Lurz. Thanks, Juergen. Thank you. You got him right. I've been waiting for that for fucking 25 years uh thank you dan j thank you thank you brian hobgood thank you sarah's unsuccessful saving throw against Purell. Negative one HP acid damage during season four, episode 72. I remember that. So specific.

Wow. I had like a paper cut on my hand and then on my guy. That's right. Yes. Thank you. A hermance. Thanks, Carl Johnson. Thanks, Don'tWannaEndUpLikeNoPooBear.

A reference to one of my stand-up jokes. Thank you, Steve Vaseen. Thank you, Paul Bunyan Chrysler and Buick Mega Mall. We're the same as Urzbega's, Paul. Thank you, Zach Clerk. Thank you, Andrew Rhino. Thank you, Zach Clerk. Thank you, Andrew Rhino. Thank you, Trevor Sharp. Thank you, Ben. Thank you, Tom Burns. Thank you,

Kyle Boyer. Thank you, Defiant Geek. Thank you, Colin Severide. Thank you, David Cook. Oh, and I got to do this one special. Hey, David Cook. Oh, and I got to do this one special. Hey. Thank you.

Why does my face turn red when Dan reads my name? And finally, thank you, Dildos Always Beat Hitler. It's true. It's in books. Historically accurate.

Blaine, who are those Patreon supporters brought to us by? Those Patreon supporters brought to us by Spencer, Spencer, Spencer. Gifts, gifts, gifts. If you need the gift that's inappropriate for your loved one or boss, we have toothbrushes with tits and dancing soda cans. Spencer, Spencer, Spencer. Gifts, gifts, gifts. In the mall next to Spinster, Spinster, Spinster Gaffs, gaffs, gaffs

Fencer, fencer, fencer Cliffs, cliffs, cliffs Jifter, jifter, jifter Gifts, gifts, gifts Brothers, brothers, brothers Give, give, give Mincer, mincer, mincer Gum, gum, gum

Shitzer, shitzer, shitzer Farts, farts, farts And cornhole. Not the game. Dan? Oh my god. I wish I knew what else they had at Spencer's Gifts. It sounds like a pretty good inventory, but I wonder

what's in the stock room. I made up the shits or farts one. I need like a whole solid minute to start breathing again. You need to process what just happened. Holy fuck. I love your playing. solid minute to start breathing again. You need to process what just happened. Holy fuck. I love you, Blaine.

I love you, Brian. I'm here to help. Blaine, that's got to be a recurring bit because that was just the weirdest shit I've ever heard. I missed the smell of Spencer Giss. I smelled something too it smelled kind of like those hippie candles and I totally flashed on

flipping through the posters I think it would burn incense or have patchouli infusers or something the problem was that it was like half or like a quarter fascinating and fun as a kid and then like half depending on how old you were terrifying and off-putting what did I stumble on?

but some of it was cool and And you were like, wait, what did I stumble on? This is not okay. But some of it was cool. And then you're like, oh, this is fun. And then it's like, I'm in the wrong room. Chattering teeth. Vibrators. Big dick mug. Why do these lawn darts look like downstairs parts?

Oh, God. The nightmares. Lawn parts. Don't put your eye out. downstairs parts oh god the nightmares lawn parts don't put your eye out we'll be right back oh what podcast is this all right time to talk about what happened last time on nerd poker the castaway cuties were beating the shit out of some undead elves and then the undead elves were beating the shit out of the castaway cuties until finally jelf nuked the elven horror's head things have started to turn around but unfortunately danny yen still lies unconscious in the middle of the town square he has one

successful death saving throw but he also has a strange parasite insect in his throat. I wonder what will happen next. Alright, so you guys are mid-combat. Blaine just went, and so combat music! And then Ken, the elven horror

is removed from combat, so I have you next. Can I see the map? You sure can! I'm going to hop on over to Roll20. Roll20 is our main home for online maps and such. Maps and such, of course,

is where I buy all of these maps at the mall. Sorry, I didn't realize I had the old map pulled up on roll 20. Folks, when you use roll 20, make sure to drag the little purple bookmark to the map that you would like everyone else to see, and don't drop it on that special map you made for yourself for no one to see. Move that map to... It doesn't matter what that map is.

Map to Dan's subconscious. On roll 20. All right. So I'm going to put an X over a horror, but he, despite being dead, is not the only danger towards y'all. And there is an undead Elven Knight still standing over danny i'm going to visually recap this for listeners listeners uh more than one told me it was helpful for me to

describe this scene a bit because it's got so many people happening at once a lot of shit going on there is a lot of shit going on right now in sort of the southwest corner of the town square danny is lying unconscious next to the dead body of the elven horror and standing over both of them uh is actually one elven undead knight and then two more are pretty close by um and then a third one's just a few footsteps away so there's actually like four elven knights surrounding danny right now um who is unconscious and then the southwest corner you see there is an elven knight who's wanting to make his way to y'all soon as well as an archer there's another

archer to the north another archer to the east nathan and tootie and i believe cospia whose token is under nathan's note up here um and the top i lost track of where she was they're all kind of rounding a building in the northeast corner to come around and help because they were kind of jammed between a couple of knights and an archer on the north side of the town square. Iva, you're in the southeast corner

just kind of blocking off an alley and Jelf, you're on top of some crates on the south part kind of watching over Dany and that's where you just fired an arrow into the elven horror um one more point of order i was re-listening to the episode earlier today and i noticed at one point i said in cospia's voice danny let's get the out of here and what i meant to say was nathan let's get the out of here because nathan was standing next to her and coordinating plans with her.

And after I said that Brian rightfully so said, why did she pick me up? Like she's carrying me. And then I completely ignored Brian. So there may have been listeners who were like, what the fuck happened there? I meant to say, Nathan,

let's get the fuck out of here. Danny was unconscious at the time and I apologize for taunting Brian. So, yes, Ken, I have described the scene. You are able to see the map? Yes. I'm going to cast I don't know if I did or not. I'm going to

cast Sanctuary on Nathan. You did cast it on me. Okay, so you still got that. Majurious. Well, all i can do is move 25 feet to the edge of the building yep so i will do something

great and as you sort of come around the building you can you know see at least one elven knight so i don't know if you have a ranged weapon but if you wanted to do something i love an elven knight. So I don't know if you have a ranged weapon, but if you wanted to do something. I love an elven knight. Love an elven knight.

Let's remind listeners too, where are you stashing the petrified body of Panzuzu? Is he under the gallows still where you came out of the sewers? I think Chris said he took him. Yeah, I have him. All right, you're hauling him. Okay. Sounds good.

Are you going to take any actions there, Ken? I'm thinking. Because you do have spells? I think you... What's the distance on Sanctuary? Is that touch? Can you do that? Yeah, that's done.

There's something else. You're about 40, 45 feet away from Danny's unconscious body. Oh, really? Okay. I'm going to cast sleep on the guy above them. Guy just to the north? Yeah.

All right, so he's not the closest, but he's pretty close. And he's closer to you. Get them down. He's the one who's most visible to you from where you're... Yes, exactly. So that is a charisma saving throw. 13. All right.

Well, I'm just going to go. That is going to be a 16 minus three. That's going to be a 13. Oops. All right. So he's sleeping. He just sort of plops down i did think sleep was uh you rolled the hit points am i wrong no there's no okay very convincing let me see i don't know you know what

i'm talking about right isn't there a spell where like you roll how many hit points it's versus yeah that's out yeah that's that's uh oh yes if i did how many oh you're right i'm so drunk oh all right i'm gonna roll 58 you almost bluffed your way through that one but then i had to be honest what this marks the first time i remembered how a spell worked and called point of order correctly. All right, I rolled a million. I rolled 17. No. 17.

Okay, well, unfortunately, he has well over 17 hit points. You already said he fell asleep. No one has even hit him yet. Wait, that's... What? That's the... I don't think that's how it works, right? Or sleep? Oh, boy.

Time for me to pull it up and just have a conversation. Yeah, it's the effect, how many hit points you can sleep. Yeah, the spell sends creatures into a magical slumber. Roll 5d8. The total is how many hit points creatures the spell can affect. Creatures within 20 feet of the point you choose

in ascending order of current hit points can become unconscious. So, yeah. But wait a minute. Starting with a creature that has the lowest current hit points, each creature affected. So they're not affected if it's above. Right, but there... How many did you roll?

What'd you roll? 17. Okay. You almost got the guy standing over Danny. He's close to that. 17 of him is asleep. Oh, okay. He gives himself a paper cut while he's

picking a grocery bag in his pocket. Okay. Sorry, Ken, but that is going to be your action bringing us around Princess Caspia. She is just going to run closer. Run.

I wish I knew what all those dumb songs were on TikTok. I've heard them all, but I don't know what they are. It's the Big Fig Newton theme. That's the big one that what they are. It's the big Fig Newton theme. That's the big one that the kids love is that big Fig Newton. This is the tricky part. Yeah.

Here we go. We're rich and chewy inside. I was singing the Kit Kat song at Yogurtland the other day, and nobody knew what I was doing because they had crushed up Kit Kats to put on top of your frozen yogurt. And you're like, give me a break. Guess what? Nobody over 40 at the yogurt lane allowed.

Then they card you. Why it's the card at Yogurtland now, that's my favorite place to get allowed in there if you're over 40. Brian, you're up. Oh, God. Death save. Oh, God. Death save? Yes, sir. My sympathies to anyone who has to spend their turns doing death saves. It is, if nothing else, frustrating.

Kind of relaxing. A little bit zen. Just a 50-50 chance every time. True, true. until someone heals him or medicines him uh that's a five uh oh

okay so that's one success one failure it's uh not good news but it's not game character ending okay one and one up next we got mr chris tallman okay um uh nathan's gonna try and do something i'm going to bonus action uh misty step dan this building that we're running alongside of, how tall is it? It is

about 10 feet up to the gutters on the roof, and then the roof slants up enough for an attic another 10 feet. Okay, so with Misty Step, I can travel up to, I believe, 30 feet. So I'm going to Misty Step. I can travel up to, I believe, 30 feet. So I'm going to Misty Step. I'm running sort of southbound alongside this building behind Caspia and Tutti. I'm going to Misty Step up to the roof behind these sort of chimney things that are there right at the center peak. And then I'm going to use my action to hide behind the chimney peaks. Dan, the idea is for my next turn, if I'm hidden,

I want to try and have advantage when I attack. Cool. Roll a stealth for me, please. Copy that. Stealth. It's a fun tactic. Which chimneys on which building? Sorry. The far east side. So he was just running around the building to the northeast

and he kind of just teleported up onto the roof of the northeast building. I roll the 14. I have an 8 bonus, so a total of 22. Oh, beautiful. Four spacious skies. Great work. Grab it on the roof, kids kids gonna say you feel pretty hidden too you feel like you did your usual hide and we've got up next sarah playing

i've a paper bark okay so my first question is i remember that i i loaned the cerulean cutlass to nathan or like because he's the one who actually communed with balthazar through it before we went back did he give it back to me or no because it would be great i'm gonna let you two decide i think i did because i don't have it in my inventory i don't either though so i i don't know if i took it out i i feel like if chris didn't put it in his inventory nathan would automatically be like well I'm not keeping this and give us listeners if this is not how it went down and

he's been carrying it but I'm gonna go ahead and I believe it has one charge I'm trying to find my notes on it but I think it has at least one charge left I think it has like three charges like my American Express I have that it like three charges. Like my American Express. I have that it has three charges, two spent.

Two spent. Oh, I thought I only used it once. Okay, well. Bought groceries with it. Am I wrong? Wait, you used it on the water demon. Used it on all the guys on the beach. I remember. Yeah, that's where the water demon was on the beach yeah i used it there for sure well regardless if there's one if there's at least one left then now seems like it could because doesn't it send out a bunch of rays it does a prismatic spray basically yeah and there's a bunch of dudes here so i thought that would be a good idea you're welcome to try the only problem is danny so

well here's the thing yeah it's each creature in a 60-foot cone and he's gonna automatically fail the dexterity saving throw so what you can do is position yourself better or you can if you look at the map and you can hit to um this uh this guy here and this guy here without moving but if you moved here you could hit uh three guys but then i'm gonna hit him too so what if i move here and then i hit then yeah you can hit those three either way you're not gonna hit you can't you can't hit this guy without hitting Danny unless you only hit this guy. How wide is the cone? 60 feet distance, but

let's see if I have a it would be great if there is a cone tool on this wacky website. I don't think so. Well, you know what you can do? I can draw a polygon, so let me try that. Oh, yeah. I think the general rule with cones and things like that is for every five feet away from you,

that is the width increases. I'm just thinking if I'm right here, this should be able to get maybe potentially all of these guys going all the way up to. I get a little closer even. Yeah, up to there. These guys. That's one, two, three, four, five dudes in my cone. Right. Yeah.

Can I put five dudes in my cone? Yes, we do have to fight. We can fit five dudes in my cone? Yes. We can fit five. We're not taking your bait, Sarah. Why don't you ask Baskin Robbins? The hard part of the Baskin Robbins movie was watching Robbins'

family die in front of him in that circus accident. Oh, my God. That was going to be Robin's family die in front of him in that circus accident. Oh. Oh, God. I thought it was going to be a five guys sex joke, but we really took it to a much darker and deeper place. Sex is old fashioned. There's more to life than making fun of five guys, Sarah.

Why bother? Blame, right? It's not worth it. Right. Well, here is so, Sarah, the conundrum is you can either get guys near Danny, but not all of them, or you can get you can get a lot of guys Danny. Well, we get a lot of guys with me or the north and elves all together. Get a lot of guys. Get a lot of guys.

I want to get all the north end guys all together. Get a lot of guys. I want to get all the north end guys all together. So they're each going to roll a dex. And now it's your cone and these five guys are going into your cone that you're going to create on this. So just to be clear, you need to make a cone and then allow those five guys inside it. Okay?

Oh no. My cone is too full. It hurts. Don't act it out owie my cone is full of elves I don't agree with this bit I have to go to the cone doctor ow

this is supposed to be a referential just draw a cone on the map god I like the way Sarah just hated on Star Wars I didn't do this I don't know about this Draw a cone on the map. I like to and Sarah just hated on Star Wars. This news. Do this. I don't know. I don't know about that. I just said the words five guys and Cone Dan started.

All right, Rose, first one. Let the record show I bailed early on. That's the way I just talk all the time. I don't know why you think that was unusual. All right. 16 for several to 16. Oh, come on, come on. Second one rolled five. The second one rolled a 16. I'm coming. Second one rolled a 5. Second one rolled a 17.

Okay. What does he got? What's your spell save DC? Wait, there's five guys, right? Running the sandwich stuff? That one was actually, that I didn't even mean to. That was just me, actually. Where are the potatoes from today? To the north?

That's where I am. I'm starving and I'm super horny. Dan, that's why I asked you to draw the cone. It was a mild joke, but mainly I was actually asking you to create your cone on the map so that the five guys could be inside.

I'll create my cone. This is a pragmatic cone. Dan, could you also create I'll create my cone. This is a pragmatic cone. Hey, Dan. Dan, could you also create a paper bag and put too many fries in it? Chris is eating and licking his lips. And he's licking his fingers while he's eating. Can you smash my burger after you wrap it?

Oh, man. Oh, this guy. Cone talk is getting me crazy. Jesus Christ oh my god what's your favorite what's your favorite cone brothers movie I'm gonna go with Baskin Fink you can hit

four guys but there's only one of the one of those five guys is already dead if you look at the little skull and crossbones icon on his top left oh wait I didn't see that well I'm gonna go a little farther so I can get that slightly farther guy then If you look at the little skull and crossbones icon on his top left. Oh, wait, I didn't see that. Well, I'm going to go a little farther so I can get that slightly farther guy then. All right.

Which farther guy? This guy. Okay, but isn't there, isn't that only four? One, two, three, four. Yeah, that'll be four dudes. Yes, you can get four dudes. Two archers, two knights okay um and i rolled the last one so what is what is the uh spell save dc every time we do this and oh yeah you had to write yours down because you don't have a spell ability otherwise um i I believe it's 14 or 13 is where we landed with this, but...

It is... 8 plus spellcasting ability, fire... No, that doesn't help. Read nothing. We already did this. I think it's 13 or 14. Nobody remembers? Except for me. I don't remember. Shit. we already did this i think it's it's 13 or 14 does nobody remembers except for me i remember shit spell save dc is eight plus your proficiency bonus plus your spell casting modifier and you

don't have a spell casting modifier so it is eight plus your proficiency bonus right and my proficiency bonus. Where did I find that? It's somewhere isolated. I remember. I'm sorry, because we've already done this 10 times and I wrote it down. Your proficiency is like top center of your page. Yeah, it's plus three. 11? That doesn't sound right. Well, that means three of them made it and one of them didn't.

But that doesn't sound correct. Or is it spismatic? Do you just not like it? Or do you have an argument against it? I just generally, yeah. That would be attempting to be passive-aggressive for humor's sake, by the way. No, no, I just don't remember it

being. How dare you? Well, that's what I am seeing on the rules on roll 20. It depends based on the race. It will be based off constitution or charisma. Check the ability description to say what ability is used. Got it. Okay.

This is a hard spell. Sorry, this is really annoying. Blaine, do you remember what else they were selling at Spencer's? I think they had a pet fart, but I usually get my farts from a rescue. Brian, where were you five days ago? Oh, my God. Brian, where were you five days ago? Oh, my God.

I also like to go to Spencer's to bone up on my flocked, fluorescent, furry fuck post. Let me know what position the Sagittarians go for. You Scorpio? How about a little reverse cowgirl? You Virgo, hey, how about a little reverse cowboy bebop? So, oh, wow, I just came back into something. It seems like something's going on here. Okay, shouldn't the palace itself have its own DC?

Like, shouldn't it be something? It shouldn't be me because it's coming from the sword. I'm going to look that up, too, because I didn't add that to the can. I was trying to come up with I was trying to come up with other Coen Brothers movies. It would be ice cream themed. Like Raisin Arizona. Nice raisins. Ballad of Buster Barr. That's all I got.

Miller's ice cream. Certain items can increase it, but it doesn't. The Haagen-Dazs of proxy. You don't get a bonus to it if you're not. Deck save. Not a bonus. I'm just saying it should it should the dex save should be versus what? Not my spell casting ability, because I don't have one except on my innate spells,

which I only have one. But if you do it, if we do it based on that, then my only spell that I actually have is minor illusion and illusion cantrip. Okay. Is it dex versus your dex? That's what I don't, oh gosh, people are listening to this and getting so angry. Maybe they're delighted.

Maybe. You know what guys, just relax. Sarah, it says for Minor Illusion, intelligence is your spell casting ability. Do you want to use that same ability for the couplets? Okay, so does that make sense? There you go, yes. Add your intelligence bonus to 11.

Okay, so 14. Nice. Woo! Like I said at the beginning, 14. Nobody write this shit down. That means... I didn't write it down, but I really thought I did it last time.

Instead of one out of four elves, it's hitting two out of four elves. Two out of four elves. Okay. So all that fight for one extra prismatic spray effect, so I hope you enjoy what is about to happen. Okay.

Now you gotta pick the colors. I'm gonna roll a d8. You roll the d8, please, and enjoy. I think we found the seven layer poos cafe of D&D spells. Well, this is gonna to hit the archer and the guy in the archer that's close to you and the guy

in the front. The same ray? Two different rays. The first guy gets a six. So that is a indigo. The target is restrained. Must make a constitution saving throw at the end of each of its turns.

If it successfully saves three times, the spell ends. If it fails, it permanently turns to stone. Oh, fun. That's a spell that's crazy. So he's just, I guess, restrained, which I guess is not that exciting. If he turns to stone, it's pretty exciting. Yeah, in three turns. For everyone but him.

I forgot to count my sleep spell about half an hour ago, but I marked it now. Okay, that's a one. The target takes 10d6. Oh, these people take, by the way, half damage on successful saves on all of these. Oh. Okay, so this guy is going to take

10d6 fire damage on a failed save, but then we should, I guess, roll for the other ones because they're going to take half damage. Right? Nice. Yeah. Right, Dan? Say it one more time.

I was getting distracted by my audio. I'm so sorry. Listener's answer. It says the target takes 10d6 fire damage on a failed save or half as much damage on a successful save. So that means the other guys didn't not get hit. They got hit. They just are going to take half damage, right?

Well, half damage. Let's see. Correct. It is separate for each ray. So you go ahead and roll for the other two guys. They're going to have a ray come at them. Right. And it'll be dependent on what the spell is, if it affects them.

And this guy who failed his save takes 27 points of fire damage. Pretty good. It's a shame about that, Ray. Am I right? He is on fire and he's not loving it. Okay. And then now I'm going to roll for the next guy. This is another d8.

Let's see. That is a 3, which says 10d6 lightning damage and a failed save or half as much unsuccessful. Oh yeah, you get to roll lightning damage and he's just going to take half, which is not great. You can call me lightning ray or you can call me fire ray.

But she doesn't have to call me prismatic spray. He's going to take half of 39. Oh my goodness. That's a bunch. We're going to round half of 39. Oh my goodness. That's a bunch. We're going to round that up to 20. That's enough. I mean, it'll do. It'll do.

And then this other guy. There's one more, right? Two more. One more. One more of the archer up on the balcony. This guy's taking 10d6 acid damage. You know what? I love how much I mixed it up on this go round.

Dang, I like it. 10d6 acid damage or half as much on a failed save. It's like a prismatic flight. I like this spell. It's fun. This is why I only get like three total charges. Well, I'm going to listen back because I have a note here that says underwater,

but I don't remember you using it underwater. I feel like you were already out of underwater. So maybe I made a mistake and I just put underwater because that's where you got. Someone will. Yeah. Someone will tell us if so. Yeah. 37 half of 37.

37. So that's going to be 15 plus. All right. How would you like to see this archer die? I would like to see him die. Obviously he's on the roof, right? Yep. Obviously he's going to do a full like, yeah, Wilhelm scream and then just like clutching at his face and then do a cool,

awesome stunt fall off of the roof. Can you also do it on my eyes? And then the cart that's right next to him is going to tip up and dump more awesome stunt fall off of the roof. Can you also go, my eyes, my eyes. And then the cart that's right next to him is going to tip up and dump more manure on top of his body. Now, is it this? Wait, I'm done. Yes. Then the acid is going to be eating through his face until it's a skeleton.

And then the manure is going to be eaten away by the acid. The manure is going to come and make sort of a man shape all around him from the acid. And it's just going to be a away by the acid. The manure is going to come and make sort of a man shape all around him from the acid, and it's just going to be a skeleton head pointing out. And then one horse is going to come over and shit on his face. Are you saying his face is going to be... Is that one of the best kills on this ever?

Definitely. There's a lot of manure sort of the end result of all of this. Wow. Please do the Wilhelm scream for us, Sarah. I can't. I'm not good at that at all. I think I can kind of do it. Oh yeah. No, Sam, Sam can help us out here, right?

With the sound of the Wilhelm scream and a spot. And we get a cock-a-loo, Ken. Can we get a cock-a-loo? I can't. I can't. Oh, let me try. Can I try? Can we get a cock-a-loo, Ken? Can we get a cock-a-loo? Cock-a-loo, cock-a-loo. Let me try. Can I try? Of course.

Yeah, no respect. Yeah, no respect. Is that close? It is. Yeah, I'm telling you, no respect. Speaking of close, it's my best friend's turn next, Blaine Kapach. Oh, what? Oh, hey, hi.

I'm still up on the roof shooting. There's still guys moving. The big monster is dead, right? Yep, sure is. Big ol' pile of tongues. And there's the guy right next to it.

Yep, the guy standing over Danny. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Is he still alive? There is. I'm going to put some arrows in him. He doesn't like it, but he'll do what he has to do, including accept those arrows into his body. 15 plus 9 is 24. That sure is a hit, Plane.

That sure is. It's such a hit, I'm going to call Tower Records and let them know to keep it in stock. Ooh. The eight, uh, six, uh, 12. It's 12 damage. And I'm going to shoot at him again. Okay. He takes it in the neck.

He's not doing great. Okay. Uh, that one is a botch. Oh, no. You needed a 17, not a one. Roll botch. Oh, no. You needed a 17, not a 1. Roll a 100 for me, please. Uh-oh. 18.

Yep, you just miss. Okay. All right. You're right in that fun part of the table where either you miss or you get a very tiny bit of damage and you beautifully dodge that. Alright, you gonna stay up there then? I am gonna stay up there.

Okay, up next we've got some archers. I think there's only two left. One of them is restrained. Is that a constitution saving throw, Sarah? Oh, I just closed the window. Indigo, restra that a constitution saving throw Sarah um oh I just closed the

window indigo restrain constitution saving throw at the end of his turn so yeah he doesn't do anything and so now he's going to do this uh 13 plus 16 that means he's going to break loose but his turn is over.

And then this other archer. He doesn't really have great eyes on anyone but Sarah, who's pretty far away, but he's going to give it a shot. Literally. Laterally. Oh, by the way, he has to save three times to be unrestrained. Oh, great that he's not restrained. That was a great thing for my muse. Guess what he did, folks?

He botched the guy who was firing at Sarah. Manure pile waiting for him. He is probably going to hate this. Maybe he swallowed the arrow and went in his butt. That's it. He's got five guys in his cone.

He rolled a nine. Chris, that's disgusting. I can't believe you would even go there. What a pig. He rolled a 98. Oh, shit. He really a 98. Oh, shit. He really does probably. He's going to take all the rest of the arrows with him. He pulls an arrow back

and he kind of misses and it like flies out and he's like, damn it. And he goes to pull back another arrow, not really realizing that he has like with the, the wire on the arrow cut through his like artery and his wrist. And so it's like just gushing down his elbow onto the,

onto the balcony. And he goes to pull it back. And for some reason, like the next arrow just kind of plops out and he gets kind of confused. And he kind of like holds his elbow and goes and just kind of falls down uh he's dead wow um wow way to go guy took himself out uh then we're gonna have the knights take their turn Then we're going to have the knights take their turn,

which is bad news bears. One of these guys just took a bunch of hits from Jelf, so he's going to run up these crates to attack you, Jelf. Yeah, I'd like to see him try. Okay. Watch. Let's see. the first attack. He swings this long sword.

17 to hit. Jelf, I'll look up your AC if you need help. Yeah, sorry. 15, 15. He is a hit. This long sword does a little 1d8 plus 3. It's going to be an 8. So 11 points of slashing damage

and he goes to swing again. Again. This one's going to be a 12. It's a miss. He better miss. He's going to be a 12. It's a miss. He better miss. He's going to swing again. That one's going to be a 22. Another 11 points of slashing damage

there, Blaine. I was kidding about that. I'd like to see him try a part. Are you still standing? Because I was kidding about that. I'd like to see him try a part. Okay. Are you still standing? Because I think I'm dead. Uh-oh. Dead? Or unconscious? I'm unconscious. Alright, so this last swing of the longsword,

he just rakes you across the gut, and you go limp. Oh no, I got my food in there. And then these three are going to run in different directions. This guy is aware of Iva. I'm going to run over and hit her. Iva, what's your AC? I'm going to run over and hit her. Iva, what's your AC?

14. 17, a 19, and a 9. Wait, three people hit me? He's swinging three times and I just rolled all of them. Okay. I'm speeding it up a little bit because there's two more knights that have to times and I just rolled all of them. Okay. I'm speeding it up a little bit because there's two more knights that have to go. I don't want to bore everyone to tears. Okay, sorry.

So 17, 19, and a nine. So two of them hit. Okay. I have uncanny dodge as a reaction. Great. Which means I can have the attack's damage against me. Great. Well, here comes the first one.

Oops. It was at an angle. First one's 11. Okay. Second one's a five. So you take 11 and then five points of flashing damage. Do you only get to use that uncanny dodge against one of those two attacks? It's a reaction, so I'm not sure.

It sounds like it, yes. A reaction I'd only get to use once, even though... Let me see. I mean, those are two attacks, right? Right. How many times can I use uncanny dodge? Once a turn. It's a reaction, but it's once per turn, and a turn encompasses everybody's turn in one round.

So you can use it once. Okay, so I'm taking five on the first, and then three on the second, or two on the second? I forget. Five on the second. I'm sorry. Yes. Okay.

Ten. Ten points of slashing damage. Total. Okay. Um, and then we're going to have this. Actually, I think this guy's going to go for, um, for Blaine. And together, they're going to drag his body over to the well. Oh! And they're going to chuck it down to the well oh and they're gonna chuck it down and make a wish that I'm okay

they're gonna chuck it down Blaine you're gonna fail one death saving throw as you bonk your head falling into the well and gag on water a little bit yeah it's the beginning of a horror movie.

Um, so Blaine's Blaine is unconscious and gagging on water in the well. Oh no. Um, this guy is going to come over and attack. I've also. Hmm. Three misses. And then is that everybody?

I think we got one more guy. Yeah, this guy has been banging on the windows. He's all kinds of shit breaking bad. And he starts running over here towards Iva, but he can't quite get there. I think the only remaining archer is restrained and that these two knights still have to go. They're coming for Iva. They can't quite get to her either. Iva, you're getting surrounded pretty quick.

Mm-hmm. And that'll do it for the knights. Up next, we've got Ken! What's Tootie doing these days? He got any hobbies? Confused. It's not going great.

I am going to... I'm going to attack the closest guy with my glaive. Okay. You should move your token to where you want to go, though. There's two guys... Two guys are trying to surround Iva and then there's two more coming

for her. So she's kind of got four knights rushing around her. Yeah. I'm ten feet away because it's a glaive. You got it. And let's see. My attack is... You need seventeen to hit a knight. Great. It is.

It's a great number. I love 17. It's a prime number. A 16. It's a miss. I'm going to attack again. Okay. That was a 12. Another miss.

Is that your turn, sir? That was a 12. Another miss. Is that your turn, sir? I wish there was like a move in D&D. This is what I would do if I was you, 2D, where you could take some of your movement and just run full speed into a bad guy to get his attention. Like you can't attack him, won't do any damage,

but you draw aggro by just like running and just going like off of him. And he's like, what the fuck? can you mark the guys dead who are the the big guys dead i am going to delete the guys who are dead i've been trying to draw x's over them but then i i i've been um there's so many bodies that i lose track uh when they hit the floor so So many bodies. So many bodies. How many cones? I know, we're all having fun with, you know, cones and jokes and then all of a sudden, almost every character is dead.

As I clear the bodies off that have hit the floor. That guy up on top is dead too, right? No, he's restrained. He's restrained. Got it, got it, got it. So in other words, there's still plenty of knights left because you guys attacked the town square. So there are five, eight knights left.

And four of them are surrounding Iva. One of them is above Iva. Two of them just chucked Delph down a well. And one of them's like in the middle of the town square going, I gotta do something, like running towards the action. So that's where we're at. Ken just swung twice and missed sadly. So that's gonna bring us to Caspia

who's gonna run around the corner and just be like, I thought I was catching up to Nathan, but oh, here we go. So she is going to attack the fuckos that are surrounding Iva. Surprise, surprises. She is

going to run up between the two a little bit, like over here, and say, Have at you! And you guys see these spectral swords appear around her and start whirling in a circle.

Cool! And they hit two of the knights that are surrounding Sarah. Doing plenty of damage as they get clocked across the backs of their heads and shout in pain. And let's see. She, I think, might be done.

I'm just checking what she does. She is now going... She has Rabbit Hop, so she is going to, for her bonus action, jump 15 feet without provoking opportunity attack and fly over these knights' head up onto the roof near you,

Nathan. Okay. One lower than that. It says, oh, hello. I'm hidden. Oh, excuse me. I I'm hidden. Shh. Oh, excuse me. I didn't see.

Shh. I'm hidden. Speaking of which, it's old Heidi boy's turn. Chris, what do you want to do? Do I have, I guess I'll shoot at this guy from my hiding position. So would you say I get to attack that guy with his hand? Cool.

He just got bashed in the back of the head and then tried to turn around. So he's definitely like. 20, not natural, but 20. Oh, that's sure a hit. So it is a D8. And then for my sneak attack at d6 uh five four nine plus two is 11 points to that guy right and then i will for my move i want to try and maybe scooch around down here so I'm in a different position, but still sort of like staying

low and I want to try and hide again on the roof. Okay. With my bonus action. Okay. Up next we've got Sarah. Okay. So I'm, yes. Do it really quick, I'm so sorry.

Stealth check for me. Sure. 16. Great. Sarah, please. I guess I'm going to, so Danny has done a couple of death saves, right? Yeah, Danny's been laying there for about 12 seconds and you just saw Jelf get thrown down the well unconscious.

Right. I mean... Both the guys in front of you are very distracted right now. Yeah, I'm obviously going to run to either Jelf or Danny, so I guess I'm going to run... They're both one death save fail. Yeah, I'm going to run to Danny because he's closer and also because there's two guys.

I don't know if I jumped down well, how I get him out with two guys at the top. So I'm going to run to Danny and try to stabilize him. Remind me if you have a disengage ability that you're using right now. As a bonus action, yes. Okay. So you're going to disengage ability that you're using right now um you're a bonus action yes okay so you're going to disengage from the opportunity attacks that you would take um yes great just spelling that out coming action it's called

yes and then please roll that medicine check to revive danny big old thumbs up right now brian's giving the camera big old howdy doody this medicine check um that was not a good roll oh no but just to buy just to stay down from brian what was that sir just to stabilize him i have to roll or is that to kill him no that's to stabilize if you stabilize means he has zero hit points, but is alive and doesn't have to roll death saving throws. Oh, but I have to I have to roll medicine. OK, yes. It is binding.

You have to be. Yeah, but you didn't you just have to roll for binding wounds. OK, then I guess I have to use a lucky point. My last one to try to reroll that. OK. Well, I botched that time. Oh. I'm so sorry. I won't make you make it worse because of a botched medicine check.

But yeah, you're just kind of like pumping his chest and it's not going yet. Please put your token where you would like to be next to Danny. Sorry, Danny. I really tried my best, though. Don't sweat it. I mean, I'm sweating quite a lot. Alright, that's gonna bring us up next in the turn order to

Blaine. I'm gonna have you do a death saving throw, please. A DST? Yes, sir. Okay, well, you do a death saving throw, please. A DST? Yes, sir. Okay, well, mama needs a new pair of dabs. 19. Great! So you've got one success, one

fail at the moment. Story of my life. You managed to, like, you get a burst of awareness and you kind of pull your head above the water and you're not conscious, but your you kind of like pull your head above the water. And you're not conscious, but your mouth kind of takes in half a breath after having choked on water pretty hard. Well, it looks like before we get to what the archers and knights are going to do, we're going to have to find out and take a pause and see what happens on the next episode of Nerd Poker.

Hi, Sam. Hello, everyone. Episode 82. Much like shelves at Christmas time, we are covered in elves. We're doing all sorts of nimble stuff. We're on the rooftops. We're putting five dudes into a cone. We're just mixing it up with acid damage. Jed is either dead or unconscious. One of the two. Guys, this is just a real

battle-y episode, and I want you to know I'm having a really nice night, and I made a nice spaghetti dinner just a real battley episode. And I want you to know I'm having a really nice night and I made a nice spaghetti dinner in the background during this episode. Ooh, smells terrific. Real quick, Sam, do you think Blaine's character is named Jed?

Is that what I just heard? Jelf. I said that would not be off brand for me though. Is it not? Okay. I just want to make it clear because I'm calling you out. I have made verbal slip up so bad. I begged Sam to edit them out of recent episodes.

And we fought you hard. Yes. I know. It's like when I say phones is going to stay in and no one will ever know what Dan said. Well, I guess we'll have to make it into some top secret ish bonus content at some point. Yeah. I'm going to plug my book, which is out.

It came out yesterday when we're recording this, but, um, my book, uh, adapting the dragon Prince is out. It's getting some lovely reviews on, uh,

bell of lost souls and Forbes. We got some very great reviews and we're selling a bunch of copies. So why don't you buy one? I bet you want the hardcover copy so you can take it to one of my stand-up shows and I'll sign that motherfucker. I am so grateful for everyone who's already bought one. Please tell me what you think of it.

I made up over 40 kinds of dragons, and so I had a whole blast. 300 plus pages, you'll get your money's worth. That is my plug. Imagine those dragons. Imagine. Brian? Yeah, I'm just mad at Blaine that's your plug

come see me do stand up where I talk about Blaine BrianBersaint.com tour dates I have the Wilbur Theater at the end of April and my book that I did with Scott Koblish and Jerry Duggan

is pre-ordering right now. And the numbers are crazy. Image is doing some extra prints already just to keep the stores full of it. It's coming out on 420. We're going to do a signing at Earth 2. It's the secret history of the war on weed. And it came out great.

There's one of those pages at the back. He's got a bunch of different word bubbles and word balloons and shit like that. Different game pages going along with this crazy book that we wrote. And people, it's getting good reviews too. Then I've got more shit coming out soon. Heavy Metal Magazine second issue will be out next month, but the first issue is available right now. My story, The Axe, that I did with Joe Troman and Scott Koblish.

So please check it out. I'm tryingoman and Scott Koblish. So please check it out. I'm trying to keep Scott Koblish super busy because he's like one of the best artists out there. That's it. Oh, I just saw something I want to comment on too. I missed a saving throw from you, Brian. We'll have to start the next episode with you doing one of your saving throws.

Okay. Anybody else, Blaine? I'm dark this week. I have a shared time share boat with Bruce Dern and needs a lot of work, so I'm going to be down at the slip. It's all weak for me. All right. Appreciate your listenage.

Thanks for listening to another episode of Nerd Poker. You can follow us at patreon.com slash nerdpoker, and you get bonus episodes from there. And you can also send us anything at P.O. Box 16069, Encino, California, 91416. Thanks for listening.