Nerd Poker - S4E83 Friends in Peril

Episode Date: April 12, 2022

While the swarm of guards is thinning out, the Castaway Cuties are running out of spell slots, hit points, and death saves. We shan't say more, this one is a must-listen.

Hey everybody, I'm Brian Poussin, Comedian, writer, actor, nerd. I've been playing D&D with my friends for a long time. I decided to do a new podcast where we play Dungeons & Dragons in my very own dining room. With my wife, kid, and my noisy dogs. So meet my friends... Sarah Kev Dan

Lee Chris Now it's time for another episode of Brian Poussaint's Nerd Poker. Season 4. Hey, everybody. It's Brian Poussaint. You're listening to Brian Poussaint's Nerd Poker, pretty much. Episode 83, I think.

Sure. Let's go. Look at my friends. I'm, um, Danny's dead, by the way, so, by the way, so I'm on heroin right now. Oh. You're close. I thought it would be a good time to try heroin at age 56 and in the middle of my podcast. But just since my character's kind of not doing anything, he's just doing death saving throws.

So I bought a bunch of heroin from my local heroin guy here in Encino. Good idea. And I just did it. All of it, Brian? Yeah. Did you shoot it or snort it? Oh. Both.

Cool. Oh! Seems like overkill. And I rolled it in a joint and smoked it, and then I rubbed it into my eyeballs. You're surprisingly up and about. It's incredibly bad. Yeah, yeah. It's poison, basically.

So be careful. So I shouldn't have rubbed my penis head in it? No, you shouldn't have done any heroin at all. Hey, let's make that an official. Nerd Poker does not subscribe to rubbing your penis head in heroin. This week on Nerd Poker No-Nose. I mean, get on that merch can you subscribe on patreon

that is a fucking shit that's a sweatshirt that's a fucking long sleeve 500 more patreon supporters we will stop rubbing our genitals in here could you still trace a picture of this and then dip that shit

in there go Ken's laugh Could you still trace a picture of the boots and then dip that shit in there? Go Ken's left. Ken's left. We haven't even introduced everybody and we already got Ken's left. Off. Everybody's here. I'm just going to do it real fast.

Chris, Blaine, Ken, Dan, Sarah, Sam, we're all here. Yay. Well, that'll do it for this episode. Jen, Sarah, Sam, we're all here. Yay. Yay. Oh, boy. Well, that'll do it for this episode of Nerd Poker. Thank you for supporting our habits. Crazy train.

Did we win? I'm blasting a little fucking marching powder off my pH. If you catch his drift. Yeah, just dab it on there A little dab will do ya For men who use their heads about their hair Alright

Is that for Ken? Are you okay Ken? More people This can continue like As soon as I'm done listing Patreon supporters Who actually keep us alive And allow me to go to Ralph's and buy bananas. Thank you, Patreon supporters.

Who go by names like The Moose Men 256 Band. Oh, thank you. Thank you, Keith D. Powell. Thank you. Thank you, Emile C. Reevehow. Shalmeel Shalmazel.

Hassan Pfeffel Incorporated. Thank you, Case Cannon. Thank you, Hungry Hungry Himbo. Thank you. Thank you, Immortan Jerb. Thank you,

Mark. Thank you, Megatron's Merkin. Thank you, Mike Yamagata. Thank you, Sean McCoy. Thank you, Dr. Coseal McPenis Assidy. Oh, boy. I don't know what that means. Thank you. The midterms are coming. If your

representatives are up to shenanigans, then vote them out. Are these the M's, Dan? Yes. Thank you, Carl Stats. Thank you, Bird in the Yes. Thank you, Carl Stats. Thank you, Bird in the Brain. Thank you, James White. Thank you, Deck, D-E-C.

That's how I spell it. That's not what he said, but that's how he spells it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Ridge Carpenter. Thank you, Christopher Stull. Thank you, Connor Martin. Thank you, Mark Rivis. Thank you, Brian Giles.

Thank you, Steve Clemon. Thank you, Komode Alamode. I get it. That's gross. Thank you, Mark Rivis. Thank you, Brian Giles. Thank you, Steve Clemon. Thank you, Komode Alamode. I get it. That's gross. Thank you, Daniel Rollingher. Thank you, Ian, not Ian. Or baby, it's Ian, not Ian. Thank you, Gavin Pease.

Thank you, Seth Harris. Thank you, Cabbies on Pot. Thank you, Christopher Colligan. Thank you, Teachers Talking Teaching. Thank you, Sean Weiser. Thank you, Kate Lux. Thank you, Nathan Ziegler. Thank you. Teachers talking teaching. Thank you. Sean Weiser. Thank you. Kate Lux. Thank you. Nathan Ziegler.

Thank you, Nick. And finally, thank you. Victorious secret dwarven. Me three. Oh, under mail,

a masterwork in comfort. Whoa. Wow. Blaine, who are those patrons? Or does it buy those patrons? Support is brought to us by impossible. Visine.

Make everything look like real meat. Impossible Vizine. Promotional consideration for NerdPoker brought to you by... Columbo's Breakfast Cereal. Little marshmallow trench coats. Begging your pardon, ma'am. It's balanced with eight vitamins and minerals.

Oh, and one more thing there. It's part of this balanced breakfast. Columbo's. They're fucking great. Dan? Thanks, Blaine. That was great. And it reminded me of how

I wish they had gone in a different direction with the Columbo reboot. Did anyone else see that? No. Who was it? I don't remember. That's the point. Azizan, sorry. Oh.

No, it wasn't. I want it to be like Natasha Leone. It was Aziz. They rebooted it with Aziz as Columbo. All right. I guess I'm going to talk about something other than a joke. they rebooted it with Aziz as Columbo. Alright. I guess I'm going to talk about something other than a joke. Something

called What Happened Last Time on NerdPoker. Blaine did a lighting change when I did that. He was terrified and haunted house. Oh god. Last time on NerdPoker a little elf named jelf got picked up by two undead elf knights and dragged him towards a well where they dunked him in its unforgiving waters also danny's choking

on a bug and might be dead and everyone else isn't doing that great either but i guess it's okay for now so you guys are mid combat and before we get to where we left off in combat which is up next to elves unfortunately brian as i noted at the very very end of the last episode i got excited that princess cosby jumped near nathan and i jumped you in the turn order and went straight to Nathan. So could you please do a death saving throw? Yeah. You got this. YGT. You're like Gaga to

Liza. I got you, man. Folks, we're all doing visual bits while Brian tries to do his death saving throw. And I'm breaking character in my visual bit where we're all freezing and pointing at the screen. It's a weird thing. But it's... Yes, Brian?

Fifteen. Okay. Whoa! When you succeed, do you often call it a weird thing? No, it just... It took forever to do it. Oh, I'm sorry. It was weird. Like the AI or whatever.

Cool. Hang on one second. Let me get you on the line. So that's marked as a success. It doesn't automatically mark it as a success. No. It should. But yeah.

Oh, there we go. Let me get you on the line with D&D Beyond Customer Support. Hello? Hello, who's this? Hello? To speak to a manager, press 8. Oh, I see this bit didn't go anywhere. I'm going to hang up the phone.

For Orcish, press 2. So here come... For Underdark, press anywhere. I'm going to hang up the phone. For orcish, press two. So here for underdark, press three. Worried they're going to die. They don't want to let me do bits. Those guys... So Danny's okay then. Yeah. He's got one

fail, two successes. Yeah, so isn't that... He needs one more success. Oh, that was two out more success. It looks like a bunch of the eight remaining elves, five of them are sort of gathered around the building that Caspia and Nathan are on top of and that Tootie's next to on the ground.

Iva is near the well, standing over Danny, where there are two elves that just chucked Jelf down the well. And one dude's running down the middle of the lane. No. He feels like the most danger is over here, so he's going to run

over. And these two are going to attack Tootie. These two kind of help block off the alley so TootD can't go anywhere. Bunch of cocks. 2D, what's your AC?

Fuck you, that's my AC. 60. Oh, nice. 60. All right, we've got two hits. It's gonna be 12 points of slashing damage from the first guy Ow

One hit from the second guy It's gonna be 5 points of slashing damage from the second guy Fucker Um And yeah it looks like three more guys could be on top of you shortly. It could be. So there's two guys within

swinging range, two more about to get to you. They're kind of blocking off the alley, but they could easily next turn jump you. They just move their maximum distance, and then the guy running across the town square is catching up too, so there's a lot of guys. A lot of guys. It's raining men hallelujah

these two are gonna run around after dumping jelf in the well and start swinging at sarah aka yes i'm afraid so sarah i know you went to help danny but wait i was looking at something else where did they come from they were the two that just dropped jelf down the well that was not far from where danny was unconscious all right um what's your ac uh 14 great news three misses from the first guy as ever oh two misses and a fucking botch from the second guy oh wow i said Oh, two misses and a fucking botch from the second guy. Wow. I said ha-ha.

Okay. Why? Are there so many songs about rainbows, and why can't I find my ten-sided? Are they in my pocket? What the fudge? Bust out my additional dice. Sorry, folks. Dan looking for his stuff is brought to you by the Common Bullfrog

from the makers of Galena and Whipgrass. Common Bullfrog. Check your garden. Is that dice in your pocket or are you confused about our relationship? 43. So he is going to take...

6 points of damage as he swings and just cuts his leg. Oh! God damn it. That's dumb. They came in cocky and left Like a couple of dorks Swinging and missing Not in a bag yet but Yeah so right now

Right now I was Leaning over Dani there's two guys Standing over her Jelfs down a well alone And not really near anyone And Yuck Why would they poison their own water supply like that

with a corpse i mean that's just not because they're undead and they don't care about the people who need water well excellent point yeah i'm full of them up next we got ken all right um

i'm gonna attack again Alright. I'm going to attack again. Well, maybe. I'm going to cast a spell. No, I get two attacks if I attack. I get one spell if I spell. I'm going to attack. I apologize. I'm just panicking

right here. Thank you for apologizing. Alright. Yeah, I'll swing my glaive. That's a 14 to hit. That is a miss. And a...

What happened? Hang on a second. Oh. Okay. That is a... 24 to hit. Oh! Yeah!

Oh, heavens to Betsy! Which one is this hitting? The one to the north or the south? Northy. Old Northy. The Nathy. That is a 14 points. That was great.

In the demage. He's looking pretty worse for wear. Good. Neither of the guys who are on top of you are in great shape they've been hit a lot but they are definitely trying to flank you okay that should end your turn unless

you'd like to run somehow or reposition can I disengage and run away can you I don't know I'd like to I think you need disengage as a bonus action to do that yeah so Disengage and run away? Can you? I don't know. I'd like to. I think you need disengage as a bonus action to do that. Yeah. So don't forget it.

Which is, I think, a rogue thing, unfortunately. Forget I said anything. I already have. We've got Caspia. She's looking down on everything and sizing up the situation. Her best bet is probably either her crossbow or her last... Oh no, she's got cantrips. Oh shit, can this hit more than one person?

Sorry, I'm thinking out loud, everybody. It sounds dorky. Oh, he gets... So, Acid Splash. Hurl a bubble of acid one or two creatures you see within range. And they are within five feet of each other. So we're going to get two Dexterity saving throws while she tries to Acid Splash the knights directly under her. We got a 13.

And we got a 2. So there's two fails. They are going to take... 1d6. Not a ton of damage Not the most exciting turn that she's had But that'll do it for her And Take us around to Brian doing

Another saving throw this time When it's his turn Come on Brian You got it Come on, Brian! You got it! Come on. Let's do this. Oh, man. Uh-oh. Seven. Alright, so that's two successes and two

fails. The next one will determine your fate. Yikes. Okay. I love Brian's new character. You mean the one that entered the season right before the big boss fight at the end of the season? Mm-hmm. Oh, boy, oh, boy.

All right. Up next, we have you, Chris. You. All right. You, Chris. You. Oh, Nathan was thinking about the slowly petrifying Archer that he sort of across the roof from but all of a sudden as the all those L the undead

elves below kind of gather in that alleyway with uh 2D uh Nathan, I think, realizes a tactical advantage. And so he pulls out his carrot wand, looks down at the alley below, and casts Fireball a second time. Oh, boy. And the center of it, I want to be very specific about this, the center of it is somewhere over uh over here because i want it to reach the two guys

that are in melee with 2d but not 2d himself and not cospia either who even though she's on the roof with you is pretty close to a couple of them yeah but i think because i'm hoping that because we're higher up that would keep sort of like the roof. Yeah, I'll give it that because it's a sphere. If she's on the edge of it, it won't hit her. Right. Especially like if I cast it, well, you know, if I cast it lower. Yeah, so that's my goal. To place it in such a way that I can hit those five.

This is a dex throw for half damage, yes? It is, yes. It is a fireball. It's a DC 14 dexterity saving throw. That's going to be one success. And four fails. Okay. So the success takes half damage, and everybody else takes full damage, and it's 8d6.

All right. So the first roll is, I'm rolling 2d6 at a time. I did. And then another 8, so that's 20. Only 3 on that one, so 23. And finally, another 8. Only three on that one, so 23. And finally another eight.

So a total of 31 for the four, and I guess 15 for the... Yeah. All right. Yeah, so a big fireball lights up that alleyway and hopefully stops just... Maybe it's just the tip of Tootie's beard. Don't you have big braids, Tootie? Yeah. Yeah, maybe just the very edge of them just light up like a candle for a moment. Chris, how would you like to see all the guys in the alley with Tootie die?

I would like to see them, all their undead flesh burn away, revealing their elven skeletons, which in a cleansing moment of fire become normal skeletons. And then they all fall down dead. Oh, circle of life. The last guy who is running towards everything gets singed pretty bad. He's the one who made his. And he's just kind of like, he sees everybody just like, you know, turn into undead skeletons. And he's aware things aren't looking as great as they were a second ago.

Anything else you're doing with your turn there, Nathan? Yeah, with my move, I will move back up towards the chimneys and bonus action hide. Great. Stealth me, please. Stealth is... 14. Great. Good for my knowings. Up next in the turn order, it's a little person named Iva.

Hmm. Okay, so these guys had not been affected by this, right? These guys? The one that was trying to surround you? Correct. Yeah. Okay. These nuts? So, I am going to... Um...

Do I know the voice of any of these? Have they been calling to each other? You know, like, can I imitate? Because I can imitate the voice with my illusion of... I think, yeah, the guy who is up by the wheelbarrow was shouting earlier when someone made a distracting noise coming from the tavern in the southwest corner so you heard him okay so i guess what i'm gonna do then is um i'm gonna yeah i'm gonna have um i'm gonna have like coming from down this way yes i'm gonna have his voice like you know like a voice that sounds like one of their people going like three more down here help

okay and hopefully it will draw at least one of these dudes off and this is there a specific role for this or do they just like have to get there and do an investigation check after they yeah like if they they just buy it initially i think and they and in order for them to not buy it they have to do i believe specifically have to do a but i'll double check this um list number um if they use their action to examine it then they then they have to have a successful investigation check. Okay. But if they don't examine it, then... Dan, can I ask a question? No, I never liked you.

Oh, all right. Well, wow, that was a much stronger proportional response. Oh, you know what? Your self-awareness in that moment, I do like you again. Oh, thank you. Your self-awareness in that moment. I do like you again. Oh, thank you.

That guard that Iva is imitating, would you say they have a sort of a distinctive voice, like a certain celebrity that Sarah would have to then do an impression of? Oh, absolutely. It sounds exactly like Dom DeLuise. Oh, the most famous voice in the world. Yes. What? Sarah, take it away!

Oh my gosh. And go. Do you even know what Dom DeLuise sounds like? Was that supposed to be Dom DeLuise? When you asked Chris. It might as well be, as far as I know what he sounds like. He probably sounds exactly like me. Is he here in the room right now? Because that sounded just...

Hey, I'm Dom DeLuise. There's another guards. Come over here, because there's a lot of... A lot of guys trying to attack the town. Oh, my God. I mean... I feel like anyone

who's going gonna laugh right now please I would love right now to hear your Dom DeLuise impression folks please speak out his kids are tearing up somewhere because they feel like their dad just came back to life please record your Dom DeLuise impressions

with your phone and tweet them we're going in a circle Dom DeLuise impressions starting with Dan, go. One sentence each, go. Hey, it's-a me, Dom DeLuise. I got a lot of projects in the kitchen. Very offensive, very offensive. Ken, your turn.

I love Burt Reynolds. Okay. That was close. Specific enough. Blaine, go. Hey, Dom DeLuise, I don't get no respect. Know what I'm talking about? No respect, Dom DeLuise.

Blaine took the opportunity to do a bit when we're all being very serious. Chris. What bit? I want to take it seriously, Sarah. All right, so my Dom DeLuise would be probably like, yes, hello. My name is Louise. Dominic DeLuise. be probably like, yes, hello, my name is DeLuise. Dominic DeLuise. That's really good.

That has a definite Dom flavor to it. Okay, and finally, Brian, Dom DeLuise. Yeah, that's close to it. It's pretty good. It's pretty good. that's why it's his dom deluise podcast okay now i gotta watch a video about dom deluise because i don't i don't know what he sounds like folks we're all gonna just talk about dom deluise for the rest of the episode i hope that's what you came here for thanks for supporting us on our dom deluise themed patreon page you can find us at patreon.com slash domdeluise. I'm glad we got to that one

first. There's a lot of competing podcasts. And I'm going to start reading names from our top supporters. And you're at the cannonball run level. I would have done Blazing Shadows, but that was too offensive. Dun, dun, dun!

That's what I thought. He was also great in The End. Yes. The End is a great movie. I love it. Anyway. I just watched a little video. I feel like it might as well have been a Dom DeLuise impression.

Sure. Oh, I don't think you were disqualified. Good. I think you placed in our top five Dom DeLuise impressions that we just did. You would have to study it for a while. He's a hard guy to do an impression. Let's pick somebody without any kind of... Yeah, it was a weird choice on Dan's part.

And you know what? We all had to live through it. I really saw the Dom DeLuise light in Brian's eyes, though. I feel like Brian kind of brought something to it. Absolutely. Let's give credit where credit is due. I heard they're recasting a reboot of Cannonball Run and I think Brian should go for it.

I think they'd put him in the Dom role. I'm fatter than two Dom DeLuise. Oh! Just because you're taller. Oh, I just mixed up Midnight Run and Cannonball Run again. I wish I was a baller. Am I going to be able to follow Oh I just mixed up midnight run and cannonball run Again

I wish I was a baller Am I going to be able to follow Cannonball run if I didn't see cannonball walk So these guards definitely Fell for this right Bringing us back to the dungeons And the dragons Wow yeah

Dragons You do a complete Dom DeLuise monologue The Dungeons and the Dragons. Wow. Yeah. Dragons. You do a complete Dom DeLuise monologue from the alley. They hear you do everything from his appearance in All Dogs Go to Heaven to American Tail, Five-0 Goes West. Are you on his IMDb page right now? I just went to it so I could pull this. I couldn't remember any other movies. Blazing Saddles.

Blazing Saddles. Yeah, but I wanted to do new ones and you already said that. Anyway, yeah, you call it out. It's not their turn. You don't know what they do yet. Pizza the Hut? But they heard it. You don't know what they're going to do yet because it's not their turn, but they heard it.

Okay. All right, well. Is that your turn? That is my action. My bonus action. I'm going to go ahead and disengage from these fellows. You disengage from these fellows. Have you seen the documentary about it?

How he was tied to a bunch of killers in Pittsburgh and a dom and dommer. Oh, dear. What? What? What the hell? Puns make Dan throw up. Physical bits.

Yeah, I undescended one of my testicles trying to get that. What? Yeah, I really hurt myself. I'm not the spry young sparrow I used to be in my early days. I can't flip from branch to branch.

Quite like the old days. Let's take a look at that clip. Cut to Blaine doing that impression of the inflatable guys in front of car dealerships that he used to have. I was replaced by a robot. That actually is an impression that I do. Blaine doing that impression of the inflatable guys in front of car dealerships that he used to have. Yeah. I was replaced by a robot. That actually is an impression that I do.

Is it really? Genuinely, that is one of the only physical impressions that I do is the inflatable guy at a car dealership. I don't do it anymore because it hurts. I used to do it on turn two and I hurt myself doing it. Sarah, can you give us a little bit right now? Absolutely. Look, you just called me out. Why on earth is Blaine not being called to do it just because of his undescended testicle

I don't know Sarah this is just what I have in my dungeon notes it says go easy Blaine Sam please cut this video Blaine you only have one spine. Oh, he's doing it again.

He's still going just like the guys. And Sarah. No, it's been a competition. I'll save my breath, Blaine. Oh, God. Oh, somebody turned off the phone. Oh, thank God. I had even odds that Blaine died during that impression.

It was wonderful. Thank you so much for blessing us with that. There's nothing more you can count on in nerd poker than when two people are doing their death saving throws and combat's looking a little grim. It's time to not play at all and just fuck around. This all started because I had to do the, if you recall, the illusion, the voice illusion,

and then Chris teed up a softball for you to make me do an impression of some kind. And for some reason, you picked Dom DeLuise as the choice. And that's how we got off the rails here. And you know what? I treasure every moment of it. It is my fault, and I take ownership of that, and I enjoy it, and I'll do it again.

Wonderful. There you have it. This is friendship. What's everyone's favorite Treat Williams movie? 1941. The one with Piscopo, where they're undead cops. Oh, God, what is that? Dead Heat, I think?

Dead Heat, yeah, that's it. That one's so weird. Yeah, that was... Fucking Vincent Price is in that. Yeah. And the dad from Christmas Story, Darren...

What's his name? Gavin? What's his name? I think you're right. Colchek. It's Darren McGavin. Who am I thinking of that I said no to Darren it no uh what's the statement you're right check yeah what's it's darren mcgavin sorry who am i thinking of that i said no to darren mcgavin i don't know who else could portray evens kolchak in the reboot of kolchak the night stalker who cares that was terrible you didn't like it i thought he was great as mick'Brien in Chesapeake Shores

And also he played Benny Severide In Chicago Fire from 2013 to 18 Remember that? Sarah you weren't done with your turn You were going to do something else yes? I I did I moved I disengaged Oh okay thank you for Telling me you did that so when I looked back at the map

I wasn't like what the hell is going on I see you've disengaged and you Went to the other side of some Okay, thank you for telling me you did that. So when I looked back at the map, I wasn't like, what the hell is going on? I see you've disengaged and you went to the other side of some fruit carts, basically. I did. I thought I'd get a little snack, a nosh. There's still fruit here. There might be undead soldiers everywhere, but all the citizens are not undead.

They're just cowering in their homes while this is happening. Undead don't eat fruit. No, the undead don't, but the... Yeah, they just poisoned the well with Blaine's body. Sorry, Blaine. And now they're knocking over fruit carts? Blaine's not dead yet. He's just likely dead because you're not going to help him.

I'm going to go in after him as soon as these guys are gone, which is hopefully going to happen when they go chase Dom DeLuise in about one minute. Well, we're getting closer to their turn. They're going to go after Blaine. Blaine, you are up. Please do a death saving throw. Death saving throw.

Here we go. Do I get any pluses on death saving throw or is it a straight number? No, it's a straight number. You got to beat 10. No. I think you can. Did we decide you could use luck points? I know you don't have any, but.

Yeah. All right. 17. Nice. Sweet. So that's another in a success. You have two successes, one fail. Things are a little better odds for you than Brian right now. Yuckity yuck.

And you got this, Blaine. We're going to get that this lady Gaga. The Archer actually took it right. The Archer makes his second constitution saving throw that he needs out of three. So he's still trying to pull this prismatic spray cutlass spell off of himself. And he's not quite done, but he's getting close.

And then the knights are... First of all, the guy in the middle of the town square is running the alley to join four other knights in pounding Tootie to death. Suddenly, the four other knights all got incinerated. Oops. He was still kind of going in that direction, but he was like, maybe this is a trap.

Maybe this is doom. And then all of a sudden, he hears, help, there's three more of them down here in a perfect Dom DeLuise voice. That also sounds like the other guard who I was actually imitating. He's gonna be like, well, at least there's other knights in this direction. So he's gonna go back towards the alley. The other two guys, you break away from them.

And if you hadn't done that, I would have had them pound on you, Sarah, but because you broke away, they're like, ah, fuck it, this one's weird, and they're going to run in that direction. Also, leaving Danny and Jelf's body more your focus. And that's going to do it for the knight's turns. There's three knights left and one archer

tangled up in a spell. That's going to then come around to Ken. Ken, you just saw four baddies get completely melted and lost arc style. And the guy who was about to join him ran.

That was totally crazy. Nothing but Skellingtons laying on the ground. What are you going to do? I'm going to move down to Danny. As close as I can. Yeah, I was going to say, you can get pretty close. Yeah. And then, I don't know if I have brains on my heels.

Time to find out. Great time. Let's see. You're about 10 feet from Danny. Two of the ones is touch. Oh, no. I don't know about my healing pool. Hang on.

Again, healer healing. I spend one use of a healer's kit to tend to... Lay on hands pool. That sounds disgusting. They have one of those over Brian Singer's place. No!

Don't cut that out, Sam. Everything is touch. So, let's see. If I... If I damn it. I hope you're all enjoying the fact that a cat comes in and out of my Zoom frame from time to time. I damn it. I hope you're all enjoying the fact that a cat comes in and out of my zoom frame from time to time.

I love it. Do you have a ranged weapon? I do, but no, I don't. You need to attack the guy behind me? I was going to say, if you're not close enough to touch and do a heal,

maybe while you close the distance, you could shoot at somebody. If you don't have it. The guy up on the balcony? I got spells I can shoot at him. That's true. And they're restrained, so if it's a roll, you'd have

advantage. And if it's a deck save, they roll you'd have advantage and if it's a deck save they automatically fail let me see you got a 90 foot sleep spell how about that one try that again sure but there's no heels on danny or jelf just to be clear for our listeners i can't i can't get close enough great okay not great but understood okay you're gonna try and knock out the guy restrained yeah let's see let's hear how many hit points we got to do okay uh it would be i'm going to do it second level so it's uh okay uh it'll be 78. Oh, you do knock him cold out. Yes.

Great. He hasn't been hit yet, so he has his full hit points, but you zonk him proper. He is restrained and unconscious. Wait, did you roll, Ken? I don't have to. Oh, okay. You just took the flat number.

Yeah, it's a wisdom. Oh, a wisdom save. I mean, sorry. Yeah, I don't roll. You rolled a hit point, yeah. It's just a, yeah, exactly. Yes, we got it. We're good. It's all good.

Up next is... Dan rolls. And... Party time, USA. Alright. He's making memes. Up next is... And... Party Time USA. Um, right. It's making memes. Princess Caspia is going to jump down.

And she's going... Let's see. What's her movement? Um, it's 30. So's her movement? 30. So she can't really get close. Oh, she gets so close. But

if she were to use her action to dash, then she couldn't do anything to revive. Damn. Okay. Well, she did her best. She ran. She's close. Can I dash?

You have to use your action to dash, I believe. Oh, I see. Got it. I think. Yeah, I have two attacks per action. Now, yeah. two attacks per action. No, yeah. Actions in combat. Attack, cast a spell, dash, disengage, dodge, grapple, help hide, improvise, ready, search, shove, or use an object.

So if I dashed, I wouldn't be able to then cast a spell or heal. It would use your action, yeah. That's the bummer. It is a bummer. She's getting close-ish. She might be useful in helping somebody, but not at the moment. Brian! Yeah?

Would you please do your final of five death saving throws? Is he two and two? He's two and two. Oh boy, you got this, Brian! That's saving throws. Is he 2-2? He's 2-2. Oh, boy. You got this, Brian! This has been a lot of fun playing Danny, you guys. And here we go.

That's it for Danny, you guys. Oh, no. I botched. Oh, no. I botched. Oh, no! Oh, no. Yeah, yeah. Hey, Dan, couldn't he botch himself so bad that he comes back to life?

There you go. He goes all the way around the earth. That feels like a real thing. There are ways to revive a deceased character, but Brian, what would you like Danny's last words to be as he gasps his last breath? Friends. Oh.

Oh, no. Heartbreaking. Oh, no. Wow. Danny sucks. Oh, boy. I hate this game. I feel very mournful of Danny

and Dan. And of course the fucking Oscars forgot him. Whoa. He didn't make the memorial. Next year. Well, Brian,

my absolute sympathies. You did a great job with a monk for the first time. It was a lot of fun. You played a monk a long time ago. It got me to come out of my wheelhouse and do something different. And it was a lot of fun. The very second you have, and this goes for all you guys, the very second you have this goes for all you guys very second you have

a character rolled up we will work him in and brian let's let's talk we can still like drag his body someplace and heal it right we have it is possible however none of heal him none of the resurrect yeah yeah he's his heartbeat stopped so um he can be resurrected by some high level spells that none of you guys have but maybe an npc has none of you currently are aware of a specific npc plus you're on a very different timeline in a city that you haven't explored a ton of and it's we are heading to a temple so that's worth true that it is worth thinking about very much danny was jewish It is worth thinking about very much. Danny was Jewish.

Oh, Ken. All right. Well, it's a great point. I can learn. Brian, you now get to do bits over everyone else's rounds. So, oh, good gig. I'm doing heroin. Don't you?

Chris, it's your turn. Penis head. We told you this would end badly. I think that Nathan obviously, I think from where Nathan is, I don't know really I can see what's going on with Danny. You know what? You can't see, but you hear his voice quietly whisper, friends.

And that makes me look at the archer who's up here and semi-petrified and Nathan reaches into his belt hearing Danny's voice and pulls out his dagger of venom

and he's gonna run towards the slowly petrifying guy and Nathan's gonna be, I'm so sorry. I'm so, so very sorry. And then he's going to stab him. Now, Dan, because he's restrained, I think I get advantage. Is that right? He's restrained in a sleep.

Automatic success. Great. So it's a d4 plus 3 for just the regular dagger damage so 3 plus 3 so 6 points but because it's this venom dagger

um the poison remains for 1 minute so now the archer has to make a DC 15 constitution saving throw. And if it fails, he's going to take 2d10

poison damage and become poison. I'm so glad you used this because it's in my inventory and I was like, I'm positive I don't have this anymore and I couldn't remember what I did with it. You guys gave it to me. Nine. Awesome. Okay, so that's a fail. So it's about to take 2d10 poison

damage. 11 points of poison damage. And it's now poisoned for one minute. What's the total damage then? So that was 11 poison and 6 dagger.

So 17 total. OK. Yeah, you just crush this guy with your dagger. Still kind of going like, but he's in rough, rough shape. You're quiet again, Dan. Oh, I whispered a little bit. Can you hear me? Hello? Hello?

I hear you. I hear you. Is it okay, volume? No, that's much better. I don't know what's going on. Maybe I need a new mic. All right. That diversion aside,

anything else you're going to do on this turn, Nathan? Yeah, I will I guess Hmm. If he makes one more save, he's free. So I'm going to use my movement to run back up and not behind the chimney, because that's where I came from. But just hide

behind the slope of the peak of the roof and hide one more time. Okay, roll that stealth. 17. Great. Okay, I'm now going to invite Sarah to take her turn.

Okay. You hear Danny gurgle. Yeah, I'm gonna run past Danny and, like, salute him. And I'm gonna run to the well. I'm gonna run to the far side of the well so I'm farther away from these dudes.

I'm gonna try to do it in a stealthy way so they don't turn around. You can roll a stealth check for that. Okay. That is a 14. I'll be a success. And then I'm going to try to see if I can tie a rope to, like, the top of the well. Yeah, I mean, you look down down and he's about eight feet in uh

down and kind of half floating in the water like on his side yeah so like i want to tie a rope and then i'm gonna go down okay after him great do a survival check please that's a 20 yeah amazing you make it straight to him you've got a great rope it's super tight and uh you get all the way down to the eight feet okay yeah so the rope was mainly because i i don't think as a gnome that i'm going to be able to lift him up out of here so i was thinking that i will try to um make sure his head up out of here so i was thinking that i will try to um make sure his head's out of the water and i'm not first going to try to oh i guess i've used my action i would bind his wounds while i'm down here but yes you can't quite you've used your action to tie the rope and uh so there i am in the well water and then we'll uh i'm here it's here. It's time for Jelf to make a death saving throw. Dom DeLuise.

Whoa! More of Edwin. 14. Great. You blink awake. You have zero hit points. Do I have a turn?

No, unfortunately that is your turn. Okay. And as you blink... How about now? Do I have a turn now? No. You're going to have a turn on the next episode of Nerd Poker. Hey, Sam!

Hi, guys. This might be my favorite notes uh or i've ever given so um about five minutes in once the game started playing my monitors went out i couldn't get zoom to recognize them in the output anymore oh uh and it took me forever to figure out but the place i came back okay so this is what i wrote i wrote episode 83 our penis is freshly dipped in heroin we're zesty and ready to fight that's the when it went out and then no joke the when it went back in was when you guys were all holding your hands and chris goes he's two for two and then he botched and i watched hannah yen die oh those are the two what what why do you guys play this game it's so emotionally brutal so you so you also missed blaine's uh impression of a car

dealership floppy guy yeah an inflatable car dealership man is that what killed danny n it almost killed blaine can you download a video of this still sam if you're monitoring yes i have it all on zoom and i know the audio is being recorded. I just, it was a perfect gift. Wow. I can do the inflatable guy for you, Sam. Well, before...

Hey, I'm the inflatable guy. Don't get over the thing. Oh, we were all legit worried about Blaine's disc slipping. are amazing really good it's great i like the whole menagerie of them from rodney to rodney i want to yeah no joke i honestly i think i forgot sometimes you can die in this game yeah it's rare that is for us yeah the only i think i asked that on like one of the first episodes and you were like, yeah, but it very... There's something called a TPK,

which is where every single character dies at once or in one episode of one game. You said that's at California Pizza Kitchen? Yeah. This is the first player death we've had since Tui died near the end of season two. This has been a while. It's been a while. we've had since Twee died near the end of season two. Oh. This has been a while.

It's been a while. I want to really quickly say we've got a couple of Patreon monthly winners to announce. Don't do fucking stained impressions on my show. Sam, pull that out. I forgot they're so politically divisive now. And they suck. They do.

Jesus, Lord. Double sucks. I apologize for the reference, but it's a song stuck in everyone's head who listened to music in the 90s. Hey, two Patreon supporters have won drawings, our monthly drawings. This is, yo, people at the Stargoyle tier and above, you're automatically entered into monthly drawings and we mail you swag it's fucking awesome uh that sound here in the background is my cat clawing the window um but i want to congratulate yeah why is he doing it but it's very distracting um congratulations rick miller and the prancing bard you're to get some swag mailed out to you. Thank you so much

for supporting us. Thank you. Bring some lightness to the end of this grim one. And yeah, thank you so much everyone who can afford to support us. You're all rad folks. What happened? I was high. Terrible news.

Danny rubbed his dick in heroin and it didn't go well oh no oh no I bet Stained wrote that fucking song from TikTok buy my book came out March 29th

it would be really sweet if you bought the Tales of Zadia gaming handbook it'd be great it'd be great why not get the physical copy and put it on your shelf? You have my name on your shelf next to your jelf. That's all my plugs. What you got, Brian?

I'm at the Wilbur Theater in Boston at the end of the month of April. That's the one of the month of April. That's the one gig I have for April. I've got Spokane coming up in May and some other stuff. Rhymesane.com for my tour dates.

Nerd Poker merch is always at nerdpokermerch.com or is that what it is? nerdpokerpod.com nerdpokerpod.com nerdpokerpod.com to buy our merch. Please do that. That helps me pay my friends

to be on my show as does your Patreon listenage. Both very important. And then 420 go pre-order. You can still pre-order if you hear this soon and get that book waiting for you. It's called The Secret History of the War on Weed. Scott Koblish, Jerry Duggan, and myself.

Pre-orders are going really well. Image is stoked. So they'll probably have to do another printing, orders are going really well. Image is stoked. So they'll probably have to do another printing. But get in on that first printing. And then I've got Heavy Metal Magazine and some other stuff coming soon. Cheers. Blaine?

Oh, uh, I have a new album out. It's called Pyromania by Def Leppard. Oh! I'm fucking with you. I'm doing... I think it's going to be a hit. Stacey Keech is doing The Return of Bruno Hauptmann.

It's the Lindbergh Baby musical at the Pantages with Megan Thee Stallion. I'm opening up in a few minutes. It'll be fun. So come on by Pantages this weekend. You're doing stand-up to open up a musical? Yeah. Yeah'll be fun. So come on by Pantages this weekend. You're doing stand-up to open up a musical? Yeah. Yeah, it works.

It wasn't my idea, but it works. I'm glad it works. You know, I kept the very first tomato that somebody threw at me on stage. It's an heirloom.

Oh, boy. Touchdown! I'm on my way to kill you, brother. I'll buzz you in. R.I.P. Danny and everybody. That's it. Thanks for... Oh, yeah, yeah. R.I.P. Danny. That was a fun character

and I will miss him. But that's what happens in Dungeons and also Dragons. Cheers, you guys. Don't die on your friends. Oh! Thanks for listening to another episode of Nerd Poker. You can follow us at patreon.com slash nerdpoker,

and you get bonus episodes from there. And you can also send us anything at P.O. Box 16069, Encino, California, 91416. Thanks for listening.