Nerd Poker - S4E84 Clearing the Horror

Episode Date: April 19, 2022

The last bits of the battle need to be tidied up, and a helpful new adventurer arrives to join the Castaway Cuties.

Hey everybody, I'm Brian Poussin, Comedian, writer, actor, nerd. I've been playing D&D with my friends for a long time. I decided to do a new podcast where we play Dungeons & Dragons in my very own dining room. With my wife, kid, and my noisy dogs. So meet my friends... Sarah Kev Dan

Lee Chris Now it's time for another episode of Brian Possehn's Nerd Poker. Season 4. Hey everybody, I'm Brian Possehn and you're listening to Brian Possehn's Nerd Poker, episode 84. It was a good year, 84. Oh yeah. Some good shit. Look at my friends, look at them. They're all here.

What's up, Blade? Hey, Brian. Nothing much. What's up with you? Oh, so much. So much nothing. Nathan is here. Hey, 1984 Ghostbusters.

Yeah, for sure. Go-Go's first record. Yeah? Yeah. A bunch of great shit. That first time you got your dick pierced That first time Oh no I did it at home and then I had to have it Go do it, get it done professionally

At the mall after that Oh no At Tina's Pagoda I went to the kiosk at the mall. Oh no. Yeah. Next to the can. Sure.

Let him out. My dick. Penis. The go to penis. The go to. We want to go to penis. The go to. Do you remember doing that Prince Albert joke and just not even really understanding it,

but just doing it because you had heard it. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. joke and just not even really understanding it, but just doing it because you had heard it. Yeah, yeah. I do feel like we have said the word penis within the first 30 seconds of the last two episodes, which I think is something to be proud of. Yeah, that's pretty good. 2022, keep it in blue.

Hi, it's me. Somebody tell the Grammys we should have won something. Oh, Jesus. Yeah, literally anyone else should have won in the comedy category. No, Jesus. Ken's here. Yeah, literally anyone else should have won in the comedy category. No, that is so fucked up. Anyway. Yeah, if anybody should have been slapped.

Ken's here. Dan's here. 1984 movies. Let's go. Dan. Dan's name now. I can't get it out. Can somebody else say Dan's name? I juster of Banzai. Can somebody else say Dan's name? I just... I'm fucking dying.

What happened? Look at Dan's name. Where Dan's name is. Sorry I killed you, Brian. Spoiler. If you're listening out of order, you're a dipshit. I thought you were just laughing at the name Dan. Oh, yeah. It's pretty funny

when you think about it. If they listen to a podcast like this out of order, they're not a dipshit. They're a dumb fuck. Let's be... They're a contrarian weirdo. I think that anyone who chooses to listen the way that they choose to listen is a great person and a great listener.

That's right, you guys. What Sarah said. I'm with Sarah. Hello, first-time listener. I'm going to double down. I think they should kill themselves. Oh! I think they're so weird. They don't belong in society anymore. We're two minutes in.

Drive to the Golden Gate Bridge. Wow. And then also, do it the worst way. Get a bunch of extension cords. I'm still going. Like get a bunch of extension cords. I'm still going. Attach a bunch of extension cords to each other. Wrap it around your neck. Stop your car in the middle of the Golden Gate Bridge.

Make a big mess. And then throw paint everywhere. Then just jump. What would Richard D. Klight say? Oh, boy. Mark this real quick. Now you're marking it, Sam? The FCC doesn't cover this stuff, do they?

I introduced everybody. I think that's Sam the engineer. Hello, sweet children. What's up, sweet children? Oh, yeah, yeah. You all look vaguely familiar. B.B. Herman is here, everybody, on the show. Look at this terrifying pillow my girlfriend got me.

That's ramen. Oh, God. Isn't that horrifying? Makes me so happy. Take a picture of that pillow at last. His lips are just so cherry red. We need people to see what... He's making kind of like an oh-no face.

I keep an unsettling household. Yeah. The energy in here is off. Please send a picture of that pillow to the group text so we can put it on the social media. That's awful. Dan. Brian, I'm so glad you said my name. I'm going to follow that right up with a list of people who support us. I wish you would. I'm so glad you said my name. I'm going to follow that right up with a list of people who support us.

I wish you would. I'm so glad we get to keep doing this. Can you believe it, Brian? Not really. This is a delight what we get to do. And I'm going to go ahead and thank you name by name, starting with... Gotta change what I wrote because I put this was episode 83,

but it's 84. Thank you, Carmen Grasso. Thanks, Carmen. Thanks, Carmen. do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do- sad now. Danny's huge pants because too much McFlurry. Tragic. RIP Danny's huge pants. Thank you, Matthew Kachig. We hardly make McFlurry. Matthew Kashigian. Matthew Kashigian. Thanks, Matthew. Thanks, Robbie the Rabid Rabbi Rabbit. Wow.

Thank you, DK Decay. Thanks, DK. Thanks, Brian Campbell. Thanks, Nick Hay. Thanks, Brian Campbell. Thanks, Nick Hinks. Thanks, TheRandomore. Thank you. Thank you, Nick Cherf. Thank you, Bernie Sanders Magical Mittens. Thanks,

Highway to the Newman Zone. Thank you. They want me to probably sing that, right right highway to the newman zone thank you Riley thank you Michael Meters thank you Misaligned

Duck thank you Justin Forster thank you Kellen Yee thank you Mutt Plays Magic. Thank you. Thank you, Fred Durst's Vagina.

Thanks, Noel Manzan. Thank you, Nodan. Thank you. Thank you, Thomas Kobe. Thank you, Season 1, Episode 6. The noises. Thank you, Tom McCormick. Thank you, Season 1, Episode 6. The noises. Thank you, Tom McCormick. Thank you, Justin Couch.

Thank you, Donald Volella. Thank you, Eric. Thank you, K-Licious. Thank you, Brian Play-Doh, a.k.a. The Fun Factory, a.k.a. Death in Joe Baden's short film, The Wheel Heaven, coming out later in 2022. Just doing plugs for your movies in your Patreon name. How about that? Everybody make sure to plug your Etsy store and make me say the full URL.

What movie am I in? No, you're not. Someone named Brian Plato. Oh, okay. He's death in Joe Baden's short film The Wheel of Heaven coming out later in 2022. And finally,

thank you for nice guys, a girl at a pizza place called Palladino's Blaine. Who are these folks brought to us by? Thanks, Dan. Those listeners are brought to us by Bill Nye, the carpeting guy. No,

not him. Stop calling unless it's about carpeting. God damn it. It's not that one. Bill Nye, the carpeting guy. No, not him. Stop calling unless it's about carpeting. God damn it. It's not that one. Bill Nye the carpeting guy and promotional consideration. Assistant Coachella deep in the desert

this summer for a sense back even limper biscuit and be thrags. Dexys Midnight Walkers, Scorpioffs, Slip Yes, Dashboard Urinal, Cool Blue Banana Peppers, You Won, Bachman Turner Underdrive, Tyler the Destroyer, The Weekday, Billy Goulash, Oats, Off-White Stripes, Store Brand X, Good Religion, Harry Styles, Big Baby, Slim Boy Fat, Megan the Trainer, Nash Bridgers, The Comedy of Blanca Patch, and Kanye Southwest, Born in Group 6. 6, 6, 6. All this and less than Assistant Coachella deep in the desert. Assistant Coachella not responsible for COVID or infections. Dan?

Thanks, Blaine. I'm going to go see Scorpioffs. Oh, man. I saw them in Austin by accident. They were fantastic. I love their song, The Winds of Inertia. Rock you like a himmocane. Oh, hey.

I want to make sure our listeners also know if you develop cool blue banana peppers, please see a doctor. Well, it's time for us to talk about

what happened last time on Nerd Poker. Why it's a dark day for the castaway cuties. Yeah, see you guys later. Wait! Brian is no longer allowed to be on the podcast.

I finally showed him for all those times. He said, whose podcast is it, Telfer? Well, well, well. Anyway, we're still mid-combat, so things are still quite tense. Although, none of the undead elves are currently looking at the castaway cuties. There are three of them mere feet away. As Iva Paperbark struggles to get Jelf out of a well and an archer struggles to magically untangle himself,

will the remaining castaway cuties escape this horrible place? Time to find out. So right now, I want to clarify something that I feel like I made the wrong call on at the end of the last episode. So Blaine, as you may remember, was also making death saving throws and he kept asking me, Dan,

is it, is it, do I get a turn now? And I kept saying, no Blaine, no, you don't. That's only because I'm automatically an asshole.

And if I do research over the course of a week i find out things like it's just a saving throw you don't use your action on a saving throw so you still get your full turn however blaine and it is your turn blaine however you are um barely conscious you have zero hit points right like real life you are like mostly submerged in water and iva is holding onto the rope and has like an arm around you trying to keep you buoyant and you're like gurgling up water so uh you can move but you're you're going to until you get a hit point i'm having you do disadvantage on all like like, strength or dexterity-based action-type attempts, and your movement is halved.

You gotta get at least one hit point. Okay, sure, sure. But you're up, and I was in the well with you. I have one. You found a hit point? Where was it, though? Was it in the gutter? Because those are not safe.

Wait, I stabilized him, but... So he's not... I don't think you did stabilize him. Did you? I think you... So how's he doing? He's doing death saving throws? I think he got his death saving...

Am I remembering wrong, or did he stabilize him? He successfully made his final death saving throw. Oh, okay. So he's not dying anymore. If you'd stabilized him, it would pretty much be the same thing. No, I just didn't understand how he was conscious, I guess. He's conscious. I'm doing it this way.

If you make all your death saving throws, I give you consciousness, but you don't get a hit point unless you roll to 20. And, yeah, you get all these disadvantages and have moving speed halved until you get a hit point. Okay. Well, can I do this? I can do an action surge, a second wind, once per short rest, which I think I've taken at some point. I can use a bonus action to regain 1d10 plus 7 hit points.

Nice. Amazing. Yes, you absolutely can. Can I do that? I think so. Sarah, would you like to chime in on this? Are you going to regret making that face because this is beneficial to you? Zipping my lip.

I just, yeah, now I understand that these are the house rules on On death saving throws and I'm gonna write Them down so I don't forget them I don't know that these are really house rules because When I look this up this was Like an official ruling that they don't like Death saving throws don't count as actions what the House rules are is yeah like If you have zero totally I just

A thousand percent it's totally fine I thought we were I thought you were unconscious It's just easier I just thought you were unconscious. Oh! You know. Yeah, I don't know. I think a lot of people rule that way. I really tried to go with like the closest to the way most people do this. That's good. I'm going to, I just, I want to be able to use this when I myself am in this position as I expect to be within this episode or perhaps the next one.

Seems like the way things are going. It's pretty tense because if you look at it, how many turns have gone by? Really only like 30, 45 seconds have passed since the beginning of this combat. But look at how bad things got. There may be more baddies on the way. This place is like Cirque du Soleil. Pretty tense. Dan, nobody else is going to come here.

You're just a nervous Nelly oh you're right you know what thank you for reassuring me it's going to change all of my decisions um Blaine so you're using action surge I'm using second second wind once per short rest I can use a bonus action to regain 1d10 plus 7 hit

points okay 3 plus 7 10 great plus seven hit points. Okay. Three plus seven, ten. Great. I'm just looking at Action Surge's potential downsides because I am that asshole. Wasn't there on Mr. Show... Shortness of breath and tingling, frequent urination. Didn't Fartin' Gary have a show called Second Wind?

Fartin' Gary. He was the stand-up comedian that got famous for farting. I think that's right. Yeah, I don't remember. So just to be clear, Second Wind is your action and

Action Surge I believe is... No, I read the wrong one. That's the thing second wind is your action and you get a second action surge I believe is no I read the wrong one that's the thing underneath it I read the wrong thing yes it's just second wind you get an additional action per your turn but it it takes an action to do that

I think okay right no no no it doesn't it's weird it's like listed under other. It's the weirdest thing, action search. You could use it to take another action. Can I start climbing? Or try to, is Sarah down to me? Because Sarah is helping you,

I will cancel out the disadvantage if you want to brace yourself against her and try to together get up. Wow. I brought a rope down. I tied a rope at the top, so it should be pretty. You're going to need to have an arm around her

to get the disadvantage canceled out, and she'll help you pull yourself up the rope. I'm going to become limp like a rag doll, let her do all the work so that I don't interfere with her plans. Rude. Can you do an athletics check anyway? Yes.

Yes, I'm going to try to help. I'm just going to try to be a... Sorry. Oh, an 18 plus... Oh, yeah. 18 plus 1, 19. Is that right? Oh, an 18 plus... Oh, yeah. 18 plus 1, 19. I really feel him very grateful around you as he lets you do all the work

and haul him up the well. But, yep, he's pretty beat up. Hey, thanks for pulling me out of the well. No problem. I mean, there's some bad news waiting for you up at the top, so I... Yeah, I mean... You know, I did what I could. Delph, it is carnage up here.

You see Danny's lifeless body laying there. Oh, I'm going to jump back down the well. Fred! Oh, I just... God darn it. That is going to use all your movement for your turn though, so I believe that is going to do it

for your turn. Friends. Danny's still alive, you guys! I'm not Danny. Oh no. Friends. Oh god. The hell? Danny's not here. No. Friends. Friends. Friends. Okay, here. No. Friends.

Friends. Friends. Okay, that's fun. Friends. No, not fun again. Friends. Is that Tony? It's kind of fun.

Tony's not here either. Oh no. Quit asking, Drew's here. The fuck is happening? Nanya. How about President Nixon? Is he in there anyway? Nanya Business is here.

Nathan. Hello. Not your turn yet, but you do notice the archer sniper who has been magically restrained and is sort of like just over the roof where you're hiding behind a chimney. He kind of like

pulls himself free of his magical bind. But isn't he also asleep and poisoned? He's all things. Somebody put him to sleep first. He is asleep. I think he does that mean he automatically fails?

I think it does. I think he has to choose to do the constitution saving throw. Well if he's asleep. You would think he'd want to so he can't because he's asleep. So I think you has to choose to do the constitution saving throw. Well, if he's asleep, you would think you'd want to. So he can't because he's asleep. Yeah. So I think you're right. I don't, I'm looking and he certainly does have that effect on him as well.

The fact that he's still alive is some kind of, he would have rolled well. Heroic story. And then the three remaining elves are all running towards the tavern for their turn. Uh-oh. Uh-oh. Because there was a distraction in that direction. Oh, okay. That's actually good news for you guys.

That there's something good in the tavern that we're missing. Well, I do. It's an open mic night. All of you, first of all, are worried Dom Deleuze could show up at any moment. In addition to this, you do feel like the whole army could show up at any moment it's not it's it's really tense oh we gotta get this we gotta get this statue to the end let's get the out of here yeah because like remember when you guys were on the boat approaching the harbor of flea's the cola you could tell there were just like a massive amount of these soldiers all over let's, let's get away from them then.

And that'll, of course, bring us to Ken's turn. Tootie, so if I may, for the listeners, also kind of get a little... Most of the Castaway Cuties are in the southeast corner, and you think east is where the Temple of Bahamut is. Nathan is up north on a roof a little bit, but you are, you know, you've got Cospia kind of next to you and ahead of you. You see Dany's lifeless body.

You see Iva pulling Jelf out of a well. And off to your right, the southwest, you see those three elves running to the tavern in the southwest corner. I say let's get to the place and deal with the statue. So you're going to run around the corner? How is Jelf's health? He's got zero hit points. I thought you healed something. Oh, no, I have 10.

Oh, that's right, that's right. All right, I will... I keep just skipping over the fact that you did that smart move. I'm going to take a bow string, and I'm going to do a little... Can I do a little quick self suture on my own abdomen. That'll be a medicine check, boss.

Like I'm Hawkeye Pierce or something. I have a plus three for medicine. A sixteen. Total? Alright. Sixteen plus three or thirteen plus three? Sixteen plus three nineteen. Oh shit. Okay. Yeah, I mean you managed to very quickly do that but i just remember getting

getting my abdomen laid open by a long sword in the last episode i'll say you're just sort of passively doing that it's not your turn so uh i don't know why you thought you could jump in there like like i'm excited not to have my gut slide out like they did on stage that one time in my dream. We've all learned a lesson and that it's to get closure on your nightmares when I'm not paying attention. Great. Tootie, it is still your turn.

So I'm going to cure wounds on Jelf. Okay. I will say to get to Jelf, you have to walk past danny's lifeless body which is still laying in the street friends here that's weird um okay well i'll walk past his body i'll say a little blessing on him as i walk by oh yeah great bahamut roll a religion check all right sorry about that helicopter you guys friends don't hear it do you guys hear somebody saying friends well that's a seven on religion yeah i mean you you

pray the intent was there um and then, yeah, roll to give those hit points to your man, Jelf. I'm going to bring your token down to him. Jelf. Thanks for your help, you guys. Oh, you're moving it? I moved yours and I moved Iva over there. Thank y'all.

That's five heal. Love it. Five healies. That's five heal. Love it. Don't be ashamed. Five healies. You've still got a little bit of movement left. You going to do anything else? I'm going to start heading east. Okay.

Go for it. You got, I think, 15 feet left of movement. All right, then. Or no, 10. You got 10. I forget how little movement you get. I'm a little guy.

Yar. So is that about it? Yeah. That'll do it for you, sir. Up next is Princess Caspia. She runs over to Danny and throws him over her shoulder. It's very difficult for her.

She sort of struggles and grunts. Wow. She can't quite get him up, but she calls out to everybody and says, what are we doing? Are we going to kick their asses or are we running? Running. Wait for anyone to respond.

You're absolutely running. All right. Well, so it is. And she tries to pull Danny, but she trips and lands on her knees. That'll do it for her turn. Huh. Oh, man. We're in.

I never thought I'd get a cease and desist from those guys. Okay, fine. Up next is Brian's turn. But Sarah, did you want to chime in on something? Oh, I didn't know that Brian had a turn. That's my favorite soap opera, by the way, Brian's turn. Oh man, what a bummer. Yeah, you guys see the elves running towards the tavern,

and all of a sudden you hear a kadoom, and the door flies off the tavern, and somebody runs into the alley. Brian, will you tell us what you look like? I'm a Goliath barbarian. You might've met me in a different place where I was older, maybe. I'm Goldbar. Yeah.

Goldbar the Friendly. Okay. What voice was I doing for that? I'm Goldbar the Friendly. There it is. There we are. Yeah. You missed me. I'm Gobar the Friendly. There it is. Yeah, there we are. Yeah.

You miss me. I'm, I'm, yeah. Good to see you guys. All right. What am I doing? Good to see you too. Where am I going? It's up to you.

What do I see? Gobar, you, you kind of like look out and there's carnage. It looks like a group of adventurers who are definitely better than undead elf soldiers or got their asses handed to them but there are bodies of these soldiers everywhere they're all kind of headed to the southeast um and i'm gonna drop your token in just a second but uh your token drop, really sorry you had a bad time. You had a bad day or whatever. I wish I was there. Haroodie doot doot.

Yeah. Yeah, you are that little token I just dropped in the southwest corner. What would you like to do? Find out who these guys are and help people and then kill other people that aren't helpful. Well, right now there are three elves running towards you. What would you like to do? I guess, do they look bad or are they running to me to hug me or something? They're-

Give me a prize. Best new friend I haven't met. Yep. Now, you came out here because you heard what sounded like a threatening noise, and you wanted to make sure everyone in the tavern was okay. Yeah. And these guys are running towards you like you're the threat, like they want to hurt you. No. I'm not the threat.

No. Okay. That's why I yelled at them first, but if they keep coming, I would not advise that. Roll a persuasion check. Okay. That is... Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah, here we go. Not so good. Yeah, it's only a... How did it become a one? A two plus minus one. Yeah, that checks out that math there. It said two plus minus one is a one. So, no.

So, you call out that you're a friend. Hey, you guys, I'm a friend. And one of the two elves in the lead says, it's been quite enough of an uprising today. Prepare to be put down, barbarian. Oh! And not like in a roast. All right.

What would you like to do, Brian? Kill them. Great. Roll to attack, please, and drag your token up to those elves. Did you put my battle axe in here, the Hellfire Great Axe? I sure did. axe in here? The Hellfire Great Axe? I sure did.

Yeah, you have a Hellfire Great Axe. I sure do. Watch this. Uh-huh. Will 17 kill some guys? It sure should. Why don't you roll your damage? Okay.

12s. 12 points of damage. How would you like to see this 12s points of damage? How would you like to see this lead elf die, Brian? Chop his head off with the great axe and it gets all over

his friend, just like when my grandpa had me chop a chicken's head off and it got all over on me. Oh, my gosh. Wow. Now, that's, first of all, disturbing. Second of all, are you raging and or frenzying? Frenzying. Okay. That means you get two more attacks. Yeah. Ah, frenzy.

Okay, that means you get two more attacks. Yeah. Oh. Yeah, there's two more guys. So, two attacks. Yeah, 18 works because last time was 17 and that worked, so here. That's indeed a hit. Roll your damage, Golbar. Oh, I will.

Golbar is very sharp. Yeah. And by the way, his axe, it has this weird dim, like, orange glow coming. Oh, cool. Crackles of heat, yeah. Yeah. It's a Hellfire Greataxe. I call it Helly.

Nice. Oh, Helly. Yeah. What's your damage, Brian? 13. How would you like to see the next health die? A lot. Oh, I split him up. Ding, ding. I swing low. I split him up

to ding ding. I swing low. I swing low, sweet chariot. You make a little hot dog octopus? Yeah, just right up to ding ding and split him in half. That's my favorite Rick Stevens song. That'll do it for that guy.

And I take it you move five feet forward more and attack this last guy? Why, sure. Alright. Here's the funny part. Oh, shit! This guy really gets it. It's a 14 plus a 7,

so that's like 21 or something. Pretty close. Yeah. That's correct, Goldbar. Please roll your damage. Alright. I'll just give it away. You have seven hit points left. That's the magic number. Bye.

Oh, got him. Oh. All right. Was that the hit? Oh, no, I rolled that again. I rolled the hit again. I really got him that time. I got a natural on this second roll well that

doesn't count that doesn't count but that would be great i like this new guy yeah yeah i played him in some of the the patreon games and people like and then i did a another thing for dnd the the company where I did him too. Ah! 24 damage. How do you want to see this guy die, you fucking weirdo? So bad. This guy, this guy, I'm going to split him across the chi-chis. Got his chi-chis?

Yeah, because the other guy got it in the ding-ding and this guy gets it in the chi chi's. Gets his whole body cut off. I'm worried about your vocal cords, but this is so fun. He got his whole body cut off. Yeah. He got beheaded? No, no, no, no.

He got bechested. He separated his body from his torso. Which is not to get. You guys... There's ding-dings and chi-chis and bodies flying everywhere, you guys. There used to be one out on US 30.

Their breakfast breed is amazing. Oh, man. The Hawaiian chicken. And on that note, you guys are out of combat. Things feel very tense, though. So I'm still going to kind of like, I'm going to say, okay, so Brian had his turn, right? That means I'm going to first go to Chris and say, what are you going to do? I think I would probably, again, sort of hop over the edge to the sleeping elf. And as I'm sort of picking up my dagger and stabbing at him, I'm waving to like, hello, new friend.

Stab. Come with us. We're running away. That's an invitation, Brian oh yeah yeah um and then uh what are you up to sarah um i mean i'm just watching all this happen in dumbfounded i was about to load danny's body into a fruit cart and bring it to the temple um i guess i i can the barbarian. I'll be like, hey, this might give you a little bit of an existential kind of deja vu feeling, but do you think that you could

throw this body over your shoulder and just bring it with us? It's our friend. I know that friends are important to you. They were to him as well. Yeah. He's your friend. I'm so sorry. Thank you so much. I'll carry him. Yeah. He's your friend? I'm so sorry. Thank you so much. Yeah, I'll carry him. Yeah. To Valhalla

or wherever he goes now. Yeah. Yes. Okay. Thank you. So, and now we're just gonna book it. We're gonna try to book it to the temple, which, let's be honest, guys, probably not even fucking there. We're making a lot of assumptions, but let's just... You know what I love about assumptions?

You make one and... Something-umption. Mm-hmm. Yeah, it's true. It's true. Does anybody need some healing? Chee-chees.

I'll say this. You guys feel like there could be new guards running in here at any moment. To me, I felt as though we actually were close to the temple when we came down that alleyway. Yes.

We can just talk now. I'll take you out of the turn-based thing, but be aware that I am... You all feel like I could drag you if I'm the god in the characters in a combat any second. Yeah, let's run. Let's run to the temple. We're trying to go... The whole point...

This whole thing started five episodes ago. This is what we were going to do was go to that where where they remembered that the temple was so that's where we're headed all right i'm gonna ask you guys uh yeah it's like when you have a moment that feels... Oh, yeah. I don't know. Some might call having your chi-chis cut in half an episode. Yeah, don't do it. It was like the Patreon thing. Oh.

Yeah. Okay. Oh, meta talk. You guys should decide as a group, are you going to make stealth or speed a priority? And I'm going to have you all roll. Stealth. All right.

Stealth. Yeah, I think stealth. You think? Any dissenters want to speak up? I will allow conversation. We can try that. Let's try it. All right.

Everybody roll a stealth check, please. Ooh. Could change the speed any second. That's true. Especially since I rolled a four. I got a natural 20 plus nine. So that's a 29. Wow.

What? I can't hear you. I'm going to see if I have any lucky points here. I'll cover Iva by rolling a three plus 4 for a 7. Nice. Yes, I have a lucky. I'm going to roll my stealth again. Because that was

just god awful. Nice. I also got a 20 plus 8. Great. Okay. You got an 8 plus 10. I'm going to try one more time. Holy crap. You got this, Ken plus 10. I'm going to try one more time. Holy crap. You got this, Ken.

10. Oh. A waste of luck. That's better than a four. Yeah. Notably better than a four. Everybody else. Oh, I got a seven.

Brian, did I get a number from you? No, not very stealthy. It was 11. Okay. Well, we got Jelf in the low end there, I think. You guys all push this cart full of Danny east towards where you believe. Oh, I think Goldar's just carrying him. Oh, you're not doing fruit cart?

No, just fireman's carry over my shoulder. Okay. Yeah, you're all pounding the pavement east. And yeah, I mean, rather than feeling like you're not being spotted, you see people kind of like peeking through the shutters of their windows. They know there was a big battle outside, but they were like, now you see a bunch of people peering through their windows watching you guys.

We should run. windows watching you guys we should run you also hear the sound of like uh armor clanging in the distance um you think you hear a dulled roar there's definitely you know unpleasant beings assembling to find you as you head east yeah you see there's um about about two blocks away about is where you think the temple is going to be um and there's some inns between here and there as well as a butcher shop you are running past these things you can of course stop to lay low and i will throw in at this point you're all kind of piecing together oh right in right. In Flaza Cola, all the temples are a part of a larger complex. So there's no, like, single building that's a Temple of Bahamut.

The Temple of Bahamut was like a section of this larger temple. Like a food court? Yeah, you're all kind of remembering this as you approach because you, you know, teleported over here. Hang on, I gotta get an orange Julius. I'm gonna get some of that orange chicken. Get egg in it.

I'm going to stick. What would you guys like to do? Win. Yeah. Okay. Win D&D. We're just trying to basically get to where we, when we teleported in.

Let's get to the temple. Yes. Okay. As you guys approach, and you start to feel the sounds of battle become audible in every direction as opposed to just the north. And you notice a giant pile of rubble where the temple used to be. And what looks like a tent city has been built over it. You see priests

are wandering around and it looks like some of them are kind of like... Are they the priests of the temple? They look like it. It doesn't look like all of them are there. I hope Ted Nugent isn't there. Intensity, intensity.

Three or four priests are visible as you approach. They're wearing different kinds of robes, so you think they probably represent different beliefs. But they're helping people. It looks like this has become sort of a refugee area in the city during the occupation. Gotcha. So, Tootie, maybe you can take the lead here because we need to communicate. The Bahamut signal.

Yeah. Yeah. And then we've got to get help. They'll see my hammer, I assume. Perhaps. And I'm, well, I'll ask the nearest priest. So, Tootie, yes. For a priest of the Bahamut temple.

Okay. I'm going to have you do a investigation check. I'll let you choose perception or investigation to try to find a good priest.

I will go with investigation. Sweet. Begging your pardon pardon ma'am so this is a big big huge pile of rubble right this is this is like a mega complex that's all been flattened and raised uh there's hundreds of people coming in and out of tents or did you know signs of like a statue of bahamut or anything that i see is that part of my investigation um would you roll uh seven no um you are able to find a priest but you see on his tabard there's like a an armored glove rather than the traditional bahamut dragon and yeah you don't see any signs of any statues or even really much left of the temple except, you know, it looks like some walls have been kept in place. And they're trying to have some semblance of order where they've built the tents.

So it feels like not all was lost, but that it was deliberately destroyed by the elves. All right. Can I pray to Bahamut for guidance? Sure. Can I pray to Bahamut for guidance? Sure. You kneel down. The priest with the armored glove on his robes just kind of looks at you like, All right. I'll do your religion check.

I'm doing the thing. That's a 20. Natural? Not natural. Okay. 17 plus. You feel a warmth and an invitation to present what you want so

so do i bring it we bring up the statue what are you saying in your sort of prayer right like what do you what do you need from bahamut he's listening and you don't know how much he can provide but i need your help finding where we can resolve this statue situation all right you feel like there is um an element of safety in this area and um bahamut doesn't give you a sense of utter safety or specificity, but you feel Bahamut is here somewhere in this pile of rubble.

Okay. Don't ask me about Danny. Ask. Ask Bahamut about Danny. I would say that time has come and gone. Bahamut, Dany. I would say that time has come and gone. Bahamut kind of like the warmth passes away into the air around you.

I would be like, guys, remember that we were carting around like a demon right now? And we don't know at what point he's going to... You do feel like maybe there is refuge here amongst the destruction. Okay, let's recap our goals.

Yeah. Let's. What do you guys think we're doing here? Looking for treasure. Listeners, don't judge us by how inconsistent the following answers to this question are. As I recall, we were coming here to try to destroy this statue of this demon, which is going to be a battle, because he has the key to the phylactery around his neck.

Yeah, we have to get the phylactery away from the creature, the demon. We have to get the phylactery away from this whole place, if you ask me. And there was no particular reason that we thought the temple would be better than any other place except that the hammer

and... Yeah, I think coming here was unlocking the final level of the hammer, right? Correct. Okay, right. So then, I wonder if I used the hammer to smash the statue. Yeah. But we needed to do that in the, I think there was something about.

Yeah, you felt like maybe you should be in the temple when you did it. But we're not in the temple. We're in the area of the temple. You're somewhere above where the temple used to be, yeah. Okay, but we did, we were underground, I remember. Can I do an investigate? Yeah, can I investigate? Yeah, absolutely, Ava. Go for it.

Using my investigation skills? Okay. I'm going to do that. I investigate. Nice. Well, why don't we hear the number? Well investigated. Enrolled an 11. Maybe not. Oh, Jesus. I mean, here's what you

find with an 11. There appears to be at least, it's not the one you want, but an opening that goes underground. Like there's a stone rectangle with stone stairs going down. It looks like there used to be walls and a roof over it. That sounds great. I'm down the stairs already. Let's go, guys.

Come on. Let's do it. If nothing else, we're getting off of the streets. Yeah. You guys all head down and it's very dark. There's a torch down there and

there is another priest with a armored glove on his robe and he says, Hail and well met. How can I help you? I am looking for, what is the word? Consecration.

Um, like a priest or a monk of Bahamut. Yeah. We need some comment people's stat. Some what? Well, a priest of Bahamut. Oh, well, I have, stat some what a priest of muhammad oh well i have um good news and bad news there is no priest of muhammad uh in this area uh there are remains of the temple underground but also it is not easily accessible let's try

how do we access it uneasily i mean here's the bad news right now where you are this is where we you know help the sick here and much of the temple areas, this is the Temple of Torm, much of the temple areas have been repurposed for a crisis, and that's where we are, in a crisis. To get to most of the other temples, you have to go through a fissure in the ground that is guarded by soldiers. There's only two of them, and many of you I'm sure you could handle yourselves just fine, but this is one of the only spots, the holy spots we are allowed.

The temple complex was destroyed for a reason, of course. Where is this fissure? At the north end of the complex. If you head back up the stairs, you'll see there's two rather intimidating soldiers standing on either side

of it. Can I do an inside check on this guy and see if he's... If I buy what he's selling? Absolutely. That's 15 plus 5, 20. Seems legit. He seems very like very humble no muscle on this dude

he seems like he lives a life of service he's in his late 60s like he's nice should we get some heals in from these guys or yeah let's do it you just want to go I mean somebody heal us I can cure poison

I can help with with curses I can bandage wounds can you resurrect people hmm is that person on your shoulder no longer alive barbarian

is that body dead oh yeah your shoulder no longer alive, barbarian? Is that body dead? Yeah. Oh, okay. Well, I personally can't do any resurrecting. There are people in the city who are that powerful, but none here. Okay.

Well, can we maybe leave his body? Yeah. Yeah, can we leave him here with you just for safekeeping? Is there maybe like another cemetery, like a pet cemetery that maybe has like a legend that people usually keep some way, but I'll just do it anyway. Who buried who? Yeah. I don't want to be buried in a pet cemetery. That's funny. Yeah, there is...

Let's see. Who would this be? So... He says... There's a... Yeah, it's possible that um you can you can leave the body here there's a creature

that is worshipped nobody's gonna mess with his ding dingers he's always dead no but there's there's you know um there's we'll call them evil clerics they're not nice people they could potentially resurrect your friend.

All right, well, listen, we're going to leave his body here. Could you please heal us? Is there a price on that or would you just do it to be nice? We've got sort of an emergency situation. Again, I can cure poison. I have the ability to attempt to heal your wounds,

bind your wounds. Not a lot of heroic. Yeah, can to heal your wounds bind your wounds not a lot of heroic yeah can you heal my wounds please sure let me see what I can do thank you I really appreciate it send a nurse in to take your blood some height weight stuff

he takes out his tools patches you up and you regain two hit points I try to be grateful alright I can also cure so we'll throw some cures

I wish there was rest I think this is a bit of a triage for, you know, assaulted townspeople. I can provide brief refuge if you need somewhere to stay. We do have this stack of wooden coffins you could hide behind. There's a very large storeroom back there. You could hide back there for a while. I won't tell anyone you're here. I think we're on the time.

Hey, Nathan, don't we have a healing pebble? Yes, we do have a healing pebble. I will also mention, I don't think it'll come into play now, but perhaps it will soon. We have the purple mushrooms of the Shadowfell. We also have a vial of black

swirling liquid. Oh, right. What are the purple mushrooms of the Shadowfell? We don't know. I'm just saying. Where did they come from? It feels as though perhaps as we reach closer to the finish line, perhaps at some point someone needs to eat a mouthful of mushrooms. Where did they come from, though?

Where did you get these mushrooms? Way back in the, remember the giant sort of shell? Oh, right. That was actually a bit of a climb for us. At some point somewhere in there. in the, remember the giant sort of shell that was actually a bit of a climb for us? At some point somewhere in there there were purple shadowfaces. Okay, that sounds awesome. I look forward to

us all shrooming together at some point in the near future. In the meantime, Healing Pebble, let's get healed. Who's, I'm down. Who's down? I can give you some. Yeah, we should triage ourselves and then we gotta get in that hole in the ground. The other hole.

For the healing pebble, it is a d4 plus your spellcasting ability modifier. If I put it, I guess if I use it, my spellcasting ability modifier is 3. Same here. Yep.

Okay, so who's the most... Has anybody else lost a bunch of hit points? Yeah, Jelf is probably still down. Jelf, right? Yeah, I'm down. I have 15 right now. All right, we're going to cure wounds on you again. Dan, did you tell me I had some sort of healing thing too today?

13 on you. Ooh, thank you. Golbar does have a single healing potion. Okay. How much would it help somebody? It just depends. Yeah, so... You might want to save it.

I have a healing. Okay. You might want to save it. I'm at 26 of 34, so... I'll save it. I'm at 26 of 34, so I'm not terrible, but if we're about to enter another battle situation... Your healing potion is 2d4

plus 2 when someone does 2d4. Cool. So, how are you looking, Jelf? I'm 28 of 46. You want the healing pebble?

You put the pebble in your mouth and you get a D4 plus 3, I guess. But you got to put it in your mouth. Oh, great. Okay, forget it. Put it in your mouth. Do it. Do I roll it? Sure.

What is it? 3D4? 1D4. 1D4. Ooh, 6. Plus, uh... Plus what? Is that it? How'd you get a 6? Yeah, you rolled a d4. Oh, I'm sorry. I rolled a d6.

Sam, this game is crazy. It's a miracle. Oh, I rolled a 4. So you have 7 total. This is the 8-sided, right? This is where we find out Blaine's been picking his favorite dice for every single roll. All right, how much more do you need, Jelflaine? Jelflaine? I'm down, let me see, 46 minus 28.

So, 38. I can give you like 20 points if you want. Oh, that would be great. 28, 38, uh, 7, 5, 7, 8, I can give you like 20 points if you want. Oh, that would be great. Don't use them all up though because we... I only need... I only need 18. Okay, I'll give you 50. Perfect. Thank you, thank you. So, and I'm at

26 of 34, which is probably okay to go into this, because I think we gotta save those. We might need them. Yeah. And now we're gonna go attack attack those two guards next time. Yeah. What are we doing now? That works for me.

I was this close to calling it. So, yeah, you guys are not quite resting. You're just triaging down here with the priest, and we'll have to find out how that goes on then, as Sarah said. Would you like to say it, Sarah? I'm going to have a cup of coffee. Okay. Sam, what do you think happened all right guys just like that killer's lyric we're coming out of a well and we're feeling just fine uh we bumped into our friend gold bar the friendly and he was indeed very helpful and cut some ding dings and some chi-chis for us our new friend picked up

our dead friend and we headed into a tent city we met a cool priest at the temple of torn who may be able to bring back Danny and lastly I cannot believe this group let Dan say you have to go through a fissure so many times and nobody asked if it was an anal fissure I thought it does that count is it one

is it disappointed in this group we'll have to find out on the next episode of the ball uh dan anything you want to plug my friend oh there's so many things i want to plug but if you mean in the show business sense i am i'm i've got a new monthly show here in la i haven't decided exactly what night of the week it's going to be on a regular basis but uh you'll have just missed the first installment keep an eye on my social media i'll be doing that i'm also working on getting a tour going for portland seattle chicago and a few other areas and that'll be really fun so keep an eye out everybody remember my book fucking came out. So please go get my book. Yes, Chris, I like to swear.

Go to tales of Zadia.com. That's Xavier with an X. And yeah, you can get a copy. And if you see me, I'll sign it and stuff. That's what I got. Brian persane.com is where you find out tour dates like this one, April 29. I will be at the wilbur theater in uh boston uh please come to that that's a huge classic theater i can't wait um that's a big gig for me so boston people please come out philly people new york go to boston where your yankees at getting a fight New York, go to Boston, where your Yankees at, get in a fight. But please come to Boston is the point. And then I have a book coming out on 420 very soon. If you're in the Valley or Los Angeles, come to Earth 2. I'm not sure the time of the signing. I would guess around three o'clock, something like that. But go to the earth to website and uh it's myself and scott koblish jerry duggan we should get scott in here

to play the game and uh oh that'd be fun and plug the book plug any of the books i've got coming with them you know i've got so much shit uh coming out and all the stuff i've done before with him he's he was my favorite favorite Deadpool guy by far. Cause he was just the best at like putting jokes on the page. Like it's not as easy as you think, like to draw jokes. Uh, not everybody has that comedic hand and he totally does.

He really gets it. Uh, I, I wish I could do every book with him. Um, and that's it for me anybody else? a blade

oh next weekend Stacy Keach is doing a live porno it's the anal fisher king it's at the Pantages with Kim Cattrall. I'm opening up doing a few minutes.

Oh, no. Oh, no. She's fallen. He's in and out. He fucked himself up pretty hard on pantshitters. Oh, God. He's too old. I keep telling him, you're too old to base jump, and he can't get enough.

So him and Kim Cattrall are going to have sex in front of people that seems like below them, especially at this age. He's happily married and very much in love with his wife. And you're doing stand-up before this. Yeah. Every new sentence creates a new question. They've been doing a series of live pornos for the Make-A-Wish people. What even is a live porno?

Is that the weirdest place you've done stand-up? What, Pantages? You know, Blaine, I don't know if I've ever asked, how did you and Stacey Keech meet? Let's get into it. We were both working at DuPars when we were in college. We just hung out.

Cool. He taught me how to play cards and I taught him how to forget how to play cards. Thanks for listening. I mean, you know. Thanks for listening to another episode of Nerd Poker. You can follow us at patreon.com slash nerdpoker, and you get bonus episodes from there. And you can also send us anything at P.O. Box 16069, Encino, California, 91416.

Thanks for listening.