Nerd Poker - S4E87 Smashy Smashy

Episode Date: May 10, 2022

Time to finally shatter this phylactery. Hopefully. Should be simple. Just a big old demon lord stuck to it, should be no big deal. And no big that the Castaway Cuties feel like they're being watched. This campaign should wrap up real nice and easy!

Hey everybody, I'm Brian Poussin, Comedian, writer, actor, nerd. I've been playing D&D with my friends for a long time. I decided to do a new podcast where we play Dungeons & Dragons in my very own dining room. With my wife, kid, and my noisy dogs. So meet my friends Sarah, Kev, Dan, Lee, Chris. Now it's time for another episode of Brian Pussain's Nerd Poker. Season 4. Hey everybody, I'm Brian Pussain, and you're not.

Remember that? We're doing Nerd Poker, I guess. Blaine's here. Hey, hi. Chris is here. Hey, Chris. Hey,'s here. Hey, hi. Chris is here. Hey, Chris. Hey, Blaine. Hey, Brian.

Hi, it's me and Blaine. Yep. Ken's here, too. Live from New York. Yep. Sarah's here. It's Sarah Gazzardo. Nice.

Sarah Gazzardo. Thank you. You guys are You guys are all ready for primetime Oh my goodness Dan's here Oh Star Wars If they should Bar Wars

Coming in hot let these Star Wars say and hey how about that crazy Star Wars Bach and you believe all the creatures in there and ooh

we have a handheld mic all of a sudden what's going on it's that long silver one, too, the 16. He's just waiting for this bit. It's May the 4th. This is the only bit I have today. You know, I didn't do that on purpose, but, oh, you made it Star Wars. Yeah.

I was doing SNL for some reason. I thought you were doing SNL. I love the way that you hooked it up, Dan. Yeah, that was amazing. Our engineer is probably very impressed. There he is. Sam, everybody. Hello, sweet children. Hey,

where's Top Ramen? He's laying on the very cool wood floor because it's hot out. Oh, yeah. He's getting his belly right down there. No, I tell him I get it. He gets it. What are we calling this episode? 86? 87.

Do we get Ken? Good year. Ken was one of the first. Saturday night. Yeah, that's right. Oh, right, right, right. I guess I mentioned it right. Dan. Brian. Hi, how are you? I'm so good. you yeah that's nice what was the

last time you had fat cells because i was i was thinking about earlier today and then you just mentioned it before we hit record uh i just had it a couple of days ago but you know the new obsession is we got a steakak Shack in town. Shake Shack? Shake Shack. Shake Shack right by my house. I love the Shake Shack veggie burger. Shake Shack, yeah. It's great.

In the Valley? Right by my house. Oh, wow. Between Fat Sal's and McDonald's. In shitty McDonald's. Right up the street from the Cedar Sinai Coronary Unit. Right next to the worst McDonald's ever. It's not the worst. It's just

terribly run. It's fun. By the same people. They're all wearing like 30-year pins in there and shit. There was nothing more fun than sitting in the drive-thru lane next to Sarah with Blaine in front of me and Sam behind me and just having us all go, this is going terribly.

I definitely told that story about getting to the front of the line and they were like, we don't have any apple pies left. And I was like, that was all I was getting. And then we got to Brian's house and Blaine shows up and opens up and he has an apple pie and he had been just ahead of us in line.

And then I was like, oh, you got the last apple pie and you kind of like you took one bite and you went like, it's fucking terrible like it was like the worst dried out like they've been there for 48 hours anyway you took a bullet for me and I appreciate it you're very welcome I still

have some clips of that on my video loop I was gonna say you still have diarrhea I wish. Still pulling the tapeworm out. It's still coming out. I just want to say After Effects. Speaking of After Effects,

next is not a transition at all. Hey, I'm going to thank Patreon supporters because they're the only reason you're able to hear this and hopefully one day they will pay for an order from Shake Shack. That would be the way. Hey, thanks Skyler McVaugh thanks Skyler thank Icetalia

Icetalia Icetalia it's a lot of vowels thank you Paul Chapman thank you Richard Wiener CEO of Big Dick's Drape and Carpet Warehouse. Thanks, Deckard Skilso. Thanks, Jugal.

Thank you, Tony Larocco. Thank you. How many coins could a Wayne coin bone if a Wayne coin could boin cones? Thank you. Four. Finally, we know. Thank you, Dango Merman, a.k.a. Uncle Magic. Thank you.

Thank you. I'm just here to deliver the worms. Thank you, Bud Dwyer Tire Fire. Thanks, Eric E. Thanks, Jack Watkins. Thanks, Bathwater Snow Cone. Yeah. Thank you.

Snoopy's style. Thank you, Nathan's Furry Purple Carrot. I don't like that. Thanks,. Snoopy's style. Thank you, Nathan's furry purple carrot. I don't like that. Thank you, parenthetical. Insert funny comment here and parenthetical plus two fingers. Great. Thank you, New Tans, creator of much

of our battle music. Thank you, Castaway Cuties. Booty pootie after a wet tootie. That's tootie with a T, not a D. Thanks, Dr. Uwitz, Forest Grown, OG Kush. Sure.

Still shouting out the Season 3 references. Thanks, Waka Willis. Thank you, Crimson Tesseract. Thank you, Zen Smoke. Thank you, Rachel. Thank you, Bryce Gamble. Thank you, Dr. Palladino's Sleep Machine and OBGYN Clinic, home of the CPAP Smear Machine. Thank you. Upsetting to think about.

Thank you, Amarthamon's Unfortunate Climbing Mishap. Oh. Classic. We've got another barbarian in the mix. It could happen still. Yeah. Thanks, Jody Freese. Thanks, Mr. G. we've got another barbarian in the mix it could happen still yeah thanks jody freeze thanks mr g and the g is for gago gone but not forgotten or gygax or yeah genitals or or thank you axel on

crane thank you season three reference that aged badly and grosses the gang out aka venus member oh yeah sure super gross no thank you but i love i love when there's a bunch in a row that i can do last thank you dr pepper spray 23 flavors plus capation i think that's how it's pronounced cap cap cap thank you what is capsaicin it's what makes uh spicy food hot oh like takis yeah is it like umami it's like the oil yeah peppers yeah okay okay oh i don't i don't want oh dr pepper spray i get Thank you. The fleck on the speck on the tail of the frog on the bump of the branch on the log on the back of the rat in your toilet. Oh. Brought us right back home.

Blame. What were they brought to us by? The Genius Club. Those were brought to us by Classic Turkey Pills. Delicious turkey. Now available without a prescription.

Turkey Pills. Not for use with warm milk. And rugs. Something to look forward to. Rugs.

Dan? Wow. Wow. That almost happened. Well, I think it's time to talk about... What happened last time on NerdPoker? The castaway cuties entered a hole in Vlazacola where there was once a whole pantheon of temples and was now but rubble. Beneath the rubble, somewhere, was a temple dedicated to Bahamut, the chosen god of Tootie and maybe some other character in a previous season of Nerd Poker back when it was at Earwolf.

previous season of nerd poker back when it was at earwolf anyway the castaway cuties seem to have found the temple and barred the door with various pews and benches whilst they sacrificed a magical bagpipe in the name of bahamut tooties hammer now has a charge that could perhaps destroy not only the phylactery but the lich himself. The only problem is the phylactery is stuck to Panzuzu, frozen and petrified. And also there is an ominous feeling that something supernatural has been watching

them sleep and prepare. Now bring me to the Castaway Cuties area of progress. So, uh, you just smashed the bagpipe, 2D. Yeah. And you just saw the cerulean veins of power

coursing through Bahamut's hammer. Gross. And now that you have that pulsating, throbbing rod in your hand, it's time for you to decide what to do with it. Sarah, we made the exact same phase.

I also made a phase. You'll have to see it. Well, I need to smash the... What's it called? What the hell is it called? Need to get to the phylactery. Phylactery, yeah. So,

let's have at it okay how would you like to do it right now there is a petrified demon with a little necklace kind of underneath its hands and you've all been lugging around right now you've got princess cospia kind of like leaning against it she's kind of like looking at her little rabbit fingernails not paying attention. I mean, can't I just smash the whole thing? Do you want to? Is that what you'd like to do? Do you like to just run up to it and boof?

Should I run a little check? I feel like I have a recollection of when this first was discussed. Something to the tune of, and then you'll bring the demon back defeat them

and then you'll have the phylactery I feel like we may have forgotten that step that is what you thought was going to happen and like at one point yeah like there was an illusion that this had happened that was orchestrated yeah then swing away, man. Do it.

Alright. Princess Cosby goes, Oh, pardon me. And she backs away as she realizes. We should be ready that this might break the spell of petrification or whatever. The demon may then be awakened. I'll hold an attack.

Do you want to do a check before you swing? Yes, I would like to. You said Arcana? Arcana, yeah. You can ask your friends what kind of thoughts you'd like to guys, what kind of check do you think is the thing that I think Arcana, right?

Religion, Arcana. Has anybody wasted is anybody on good terms with their god that they could get some advice from like bahamut or something i am that's what tootie just did break the bahamut yeah and it was and it was vague right is there is there anybody else that has a god that maybe they could kind of like uh go to a get a second opinion from god that maybe they could kind of like go to get a second opinion from Jesus Moses I think at this point you would all feel like

2D is the most connected to a god and he could try again because he really only asked last time how to charge up the hammer he could do one more prayer if you like yeah just skip the helmet on the blower alright let's try that religion yes

roll away should have checked which I had the highest bonus in but the blower. Alright, let's try that then. Religion? Yes. Roll away. I should have checked which I had the highest bonus in. Botch. Whoops. That works. It's fine. What if you botch a religion check? Then I... Well, that's a 12. But I have luck points.

Oh, would you like to spend a luck point right now? I would very much like to spend a luck point and make it a little better. Okay. You got this, Ken. Oh, my God. Get him, Rock. Seven.

Seven. One more. One more. Oh, you're going to spend another luck point, are you? I am. All right. All right. 14.

We'll keep it at that. Alright. 14. We'll keep it at that. You feel a cool relaxing flood through your veins and you just feel as if Bahamut is with you right now. Alright.

That is it. That's beautiful, man. The feeling lasts a few seconds. It hasn't ended yet uh am I doing the right thing Bahamut I mean he all he did was sort of make you feel like he was

with you okay with the 14 not so much uh American roll one more time no save it ask him anything. Not so much. American roll one more time. No, save it, because if we're about to battle a demon, you may want it. Bahamut is with us!

We are blessed! I'm doing it. Boom. Roll to attack. Alright. Ken, Ken, Ken. Where's my... I don't have two bets on the hammer. Oh. I guess you would have it. I could just tell you what I roll. That's true.

I'm looking it up. 17. I have a plus 7 to attacks, I think. 17. And that's with a plus 7 like as a as your standard with the warhammer let me see I have yeah that the

the hammer of Bahamut right now is a plus 8 to attack okay great so 17 plus 8 all right roll roll damage that is going to be Okay, great. So 17 plus 8. All right. Roll damage. That is going to be 1d10 plus 4.

Wow. All right. You looked upset. It just doesn't seem like a lot. Well. It's charged now to be like magically delicious. That's a 13. 9 plus 4. You all see

Tootie pull back the hammer and smash it as hard as he can right with, what was your to hit? It was like a 17. 25. 25? Right in the middle of his hands right in the middle of pan zuzu's hands which are over the phylactery and it seems like time slows down for a second and

where the hammer makes contact with the hands you all see blue lightning flash out in silence in all directions and then there is an explosion um and you are all sort of blinded for a second. Cool. The dust starts to clear, so to speak. As your vision returns, you've all got kind of like, you know, sunspots. And on the floor, there is a shattered panzuzu. You just see like his bisected guts frozen as if they were, you know,

in ice. He's just like in a million pieces and you can, uh, you can just tell from looking down like, Oh yeah, the phylactery is kind of splintered into a bunch of pieces too. It's just like a bunch of shards on the floor. We won.

Game over. We did it. Manoring my high score. Well, the, the, the good news is now you are all level 8

yay hooray that was the milestone so we should get like do we have to like disperse the pieces of this keep them separated yeah

no no no no for sure. No! No! Hey! No! No! No! No! No! No!

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No! No! No! No! No! Blaine's music pick, the new Wet Leg album is really, really good. A lot of fun. I've been listening to it over and over. Wet Leg? Yeah. It just came out. It's the soundtrack of the summer. Love it.

Yeah, check it out. Please do. Wet Leg Summer. Wet Leg. We've all got a wet leg this summer. We know why. It's two disaffected girls. It really rocks. It's really fun. You two disaffected girls. It really rocks.

It's really fun. You like disaffected girls. You recommended Goat Girl to me some years ago. Yeah, it's like an upbeat Goat Girl. It's really fun. Full of hooks. Anyway, back to you guys. Sorry.

Back to us. I like my girls to be affected. I prefer. Afflicted. Woo. You mean like carrying a kid? um no wearing affliction uh wearing affliction gear and clothing yeah how would y'all like to level up on the air does that sound cool oh i don't know i have to look at it yeah i'll tell you this i think you're uh you're gonna enjoy it because we're recording two episodes tonight, folks, behind the scenes.

And I don't think it'll be too much. People love when we do it. People ask if we would do it more often. And I know it can be a little weird to do it on the air. But as long as we communicate, I think people enjoy us going through the process. Okay. So number one, the number one thing I recommend doing is sorting out your new hit points. So as an example, I'm going to roll up Princess Caspia. So you guys can enjoy that at home and as a group and use it as like an example.

So Caspia is in a separate section of D&D Beyond because I don't need to add her to the campaign. She's in my account. Everybody look up your hit dice while I do this. Look up your hit dice to tell you what die you'll be rolling or you can do it automatically. Dan Telfer? Yes. Brian Poussin. You had

me playing level 8 already. Great. So you are pretty far towards level nine, but you get to stay. You're not going to hit level nine just because level nine is a longer journey. I was just making you aware. So Brian, if you can hang out,

tell us some stories about the road, about metal, about life road about metal about life about mcdonald's um that cormac mccarthy book the road no don't ever read it to your kid terrible terrible what else uh mcdonald's it's good sometimes what else uh uh what were the other stories? I'll throw in Princess Caspia is now a level two wizard. She is going to get four more hit points. Nice.

Which is pretty much what she needed. And in addition, I'll look up the other stuff, but are you guys ready to roll your hit points? I just got 4 out of 8 great put that in there Blaine what you get? I got a 10

and I rolled a D10 great now I have 56 how about you 2D and or nathan i go go ahead more uh i don't know because i have to pick between so i have to look up what rogue would level up would be what wizard level up right because you double classed so i don't i'm you i suggest moving on without me

and i will catch up as i figure it out okay well uh as a level two uh wizard cospia doesn't really get a huge she gets three spell slots for level one spells is the big uh difference um are you guys looking at your level eights yes yes. Yes, I'm looking for my feets. You know I love feets. Yeah, I'm going to probably pick Tarantino. And, yeah, I'm kidding. It's a feet joke. Oh, I get it.

Gross. Yeah. I can either choose one ability score by two, or I can increase two ability scores by one, not above 20, or I can choose a feat. Okay. Well, let's see.

Jeff, which... I'm thinking about... Oh, I'm thinking about a foot shake, which is when I get out of a shower, I can shake the water off my foot really fast. Like a cat. I was just thinking, uh, just thinking that would be your best choice. Now, what are you going to do? You think you're going to take a feed or are you going to, I don't know. I might have to, I might have to think about it for a few minutes. I think Chris and I are going to go outside and smoke. Yeah.

I have some cloves. I have some jarum filters. Yum. Oh, the black box. Yeah. Did you smoke them where you would put them between your pinky and your ring finger and smoke? Yes, I did. Yes, I did. Oh, man. That's so goth. You and I looked like an asshole. Did you take hits

from Rush? Also also you remember that shit oh yeah oh rush oh my god i just found a picture of me in high school it was me and my goth friends we comprised the high school animal rights club and uh we we were just all dressed in black and i had a parrot on my shoulder it was the most high school picture i've ever seen wow yeah those clothes are terrible well blaine you have a 19 dexterity already so you're looking pretty good on the the skill you need most also or not the skill the attribute you also have a 16 intelligence and wisdom and a 13 strength i really don't feel like you need to boost your scores that much if you did i might go strength or take dex all the way to 20 but um yeah i would maybe if i did anything i would probably make my constitution

higher or my strength higher i mean i really haven't had a problem with my charisma, which is negative one. And I mean, I'm usually an expert in all kinds of charisma. I will say you're approaching the end of the season, right? So that should affect everybody's decision just a wee bit. Think about what you might like for a big fight. And in your case, constitution, you're going to stay a plus one if you add to constitution right now you have a 12 if you go up to 13 still a plus one so it's not going to affect your roles very much if you boost constitution in particular okay all right yeah let me whatever that's worth look for a feat oh lion chef at ben again I'll pick that. That'll be a good feat. Ken, how's it looking for you? What's your level 8 paladin looking like right now?

I'm adding a branding smite spell. Hey! Did you tell us your new hit points yet? I forget. 67 I added. Nice. Where are feats at? I'm looking for feats.

There should be a drop down. Let's see. But it's not going to happen right away. First, you do the hit points, I believe. I did the hit points. And then you got to go next, and it'll say, I think for everybody at level eight you know what i'm doing i think it's standard sarah did you pick the wrong feet no i picked

the right feet what'd you pick i picked a feat called fade away which is only available i guess it's only available uh to knows um cool yeah and i love stuff like that yeah and um so it means um uh your people okay um your people are clever with a knack for illusion magic you've learned a magical trick for fading away when you suffer harm. You gain the following benefits. Increase your dexterity or intelligence score by one, and immediately

after you take damage, you can use a reaction to magically become invisible until the end of your next turn, or until you attack, deal damage, or force someone to make a saving throw. So it's once per short or long rest. That sounds great I'm excited

I feel like that's a really good rogue fighter feat because it's like when I get it when I have to mix it up I can get in there and then I can just fade away if you see okay how you doing over there Talman

I don't know I think I'm going to level up wizard but that means I have to look at spells so that's what I'm starting to do gotcha okay yeah that's quite a process so I hear you well I'm at the feet I would recommend that you

you go ahead with your gut and make a decision for the sake of the show. But you can also pause the process slash put the process in slow motion while we continue going. Just know like when you're not interacting directly with the story, you can come back to this. How does that sound? Sure. Okay. acting directly with the story you can come back to this how does that sound sure okay and we basically if you enter combat that's when you're going to really want your feet or your um your spell you two uh so just you know keep in mind once we start we can oh we're in combat or something

we can pause and you can do some more research it'll be okay i just want to kind of keep it going so brian can uh can engage us um all right hey brian yeah let's let's uh invite you back in because i'm gonna have something happen so you're all sitting around thinking about the journey that you've gone on how delightful you've destroyed the phylactery that means that if you're able to find the arch lich he is now mortal this was where he kept his soul and it was you know nice to see the phylactery destroyed but it was a little anticlimactic because right now you're underground and the only door out of the room has a bunch of benches blocking you guys in.

2D, roll a perception check, please. Alright, hang on. I gotta get back in the thing. Hmm. thing thank you for saying you're sorry I was really hurt I'm sorry again okay perception that's a 19

cool okay so you are kind of like sitting around with the crew looking at the the way that you've laid waste to this demon that seems like it was supposed to be a big deal but you kind of destroyed its avatar at least it's just sitting in crumbs weighing what you're going to do uh next and you think you see something out of the corner of your eye. You turn and look and Kurt from the Adventurers Guild

is in the room for just a second and then you see him kind of like nod at you and scurry underneath one of the benches towards the door and he disappears from sight. You guys see that? Was it like a glitch from another dimension kind of thing,

or was he actually here? How would I describe it? You saw Kurt. I saw him. He ran under a bench. You've got this big pile of furniture in front of the door, and you just saw him kind of crawl under. Is there space for him to crawl under?

A little bit, yeah. It's pretty tight pretty tight but yeah he's a little guy fucking weird so yeah that's what just happened um can he do an insight to see if it was like felt like an illusion or investigated or anything did he yeah weird about it yeah i mean you can choose you could you could do an insight check just basic intuition or you can go investigate where he crawled in. Your choice. Let's see. I will athletics him.

Oh. You karate chop the thought. Investigation. Okay. Well, that's 10 yeah you go up to the pile of furniture and you're like oh there's enough room

don't see any footprints or anything do an insight into your experience do an insight check into your experience of seeing him like was it like a you know what I mean you can do that okay that's what i would do if i were to oh great advice 22 i mean it seemed a little more confident than kurt usually was he was always kind of embarrassed that he had had to start an adventurer's guild in a little shack and you haven't seen him in this timeline before

so you think it's interesting that he would show up here. Well, it's also weird that he wasn't here and suddenly he was. Right. I mean, it's like he bamfed into the room somehow. So we should murder him? He's gone. You want to chase after him? I mean, does it seem as though we're about to be attacked? Is that a cue?

Or is that a chance to get something? Maybe he's trying to lead us past the barricade. But are there any exits in this room? I forgot. Nope. Just that one. That's the door you came through. Well, I guess we don't really have a choice then.

You look around. Yeah, there's like a shallow closet there's the little altar where you smashed the bagpipes you know there's little bits of bagpipes and stuff on the floor but but like other than a wall tapestry of bahamut there's not much left in this room because you took all the furniture and you piled it up in front of the door so no one could get in while you were doing your bahamut prayers and ritual anything behind the tapestry uh you go you you go and pull it up and do an investigation check and and while you're doing that chris you were about to say something yeah i think nathan's gonna try something

uh he's gonna quick pull out his carrot wand and cast message. It works if a creature is within 120 feet. So if he's still there, it has nothing to do with sight. It just says if a creature is within 120 feet, I'm just going to go cut. Okay. Let me check something. Blaine, can I get a commercial while I check a thing? Hot water.

Wow, that's hot. Hot water. Cook with it. You didn't hear much of that. That Zoom filter is not doing you any favors. We heard hot water and then an occasional boop. Should be on his track. It'll be available to the listeners.

I hear listeners. The dead silence afterwards was not a reflection of what he said. We didn't hear anything that he said over Zoom. I bet it was hilarious. I forgot the tag. Oh. But it's okay. Will you whisper the tag? No longer affiliated with those

water society assholes. Well, now we know the tag. Nathan, you say Kurt. You point towards the rubble in front of the door and say Kurt? Yes. There's a long pause.

Oh, like a kangaroo? Yeah. Like the marsupial known as a kangaroo. Yep. Which definitely exists here. Nathan, you do it and like a solid 60 seconds goes by where you're like, okay, that didn't work.

And then you hear a voice in your head that says, um, yes. Hello. Kurt speaking. I'll turn to everybody. I've got him on the line. Does it sound like

him? He responded to the name Kurt. Can you do an insight check to see if it sounded like him to you? You sure can. Do I think it's him? Just Nathan. Do it.

Otherwise, I'll give you passive insight if you don't want to roll. 13. You know, it doesn't sound exactly like him, but he only said, yes, yes.

Hello. It's hard to tell. Maybe it's the him from this, this dimension or whatever. Yeah. This is alternate Kurt. Variant Kurt. Variant Kurt.

Uh, Dr. Strange. Do we want to talk to him? I guess we haven't talked yet about what our plan is. Right. Are we going back to our timeline? I forget. Like, are we now we're, we got to go kill him i guess we haven't talked yet about what our plan is right are we going back to our timeline i forget like are we now we're we gotta go kill the arch lich we gotta get these

pieces of the thing as spread out as possible ideally to different timelines would be great if we could sure do we want him to get us back to our timeline? Is that even a... I don't know that that's a thing. Yeah, I don't know. Did he guide us here? No, the guy with the... A Kenku, a little crow man did. No, no, no, but like how did we get this timeline was the guy from the Cutlass, the guy from the

Cutlass who Nathan had to go to the spirit realm and then... Now, the other thing is, Kurt, you know to live in your original timeline in Blingbottom, not Flays of Cola, a different city. I'll throw you that bone. I mean...

It seems like he's trying to reach us, whether it's for good or bad, I don't know. Why did he run out of the room? Tell him to come back. Yeah, I think he was luring us out. So, yeah, I'll wave the wand and say, why did you run away? I need you to follow me. That's what I said. Maybe next time, an invitation.

A sign of friendship always is welcome. Next time, indeed. So will you come back for us, then? Will you help me out? The door is hard to get back through. Ask him if he knows us. Because, like, why would this Kurt know who we were? I'm so sorry. I've bumped my head what's my name

Nathan Whiskers this guy is obviously evil listen to Dan look at him look how delighted he is he's got a beard to do this with now too he can be like go full evil Dan's not evil and he seems evil sometimes Nathan do this with now too. He can be like, go full evil. That's not evil and he seems evil sometimes.

Nathan, open the door, Nathan. I think we're... No matter what I say. There's a little Jack Nicholson going on in the schedule. I'm pretty sure that was not a great situation. I mean, maybe we should put him

on the back burner for a moment and address what Ava was saying about what we're going to do. I feel like, did we shatter the demon and then this is the form, the demon, we shattered his form and now he's taken this form? Ask him if he's Panzuzu.

Do you go by many names? What is that supposed to mean? For example, Panzuzu? No, I most certainly do not. Yes. Yes. Ask him if he's lying. Yeah.

Nathan will leave it quietly. I think you're right. I think it's bad. Everybody, please roll a wisdom saving throw. Alright. Is this against magic? Yes.

I have advantage. Saving throw against magic? Yes. I have advantage. Saving for against magic? Let's hear those numbers. 19. 19. 20. 20. 15.

I got a 16, but I can't see what my bonuses are. Jelf, your wisdom saving throw bonus is plus 3. Oh, okay, so 19. Sorry, thanks. You got it, boss. Let me hear them numbers. Brian and Ken. 15 i missed thank you for reminding me and a two for gold bar oh boy uh sarah did you tell me too i'm trying to 19 19 yes okay sorry i had to read

oh no no i'm just i'm excited about okay um you guys all start to feel your chests tighten as if the air is being pulled out of the room. And your skin starts to itch like things are getting really dry. Nathan, you do not feel this.

What's going on? You guys all look weird and twitchy i feel what did you roll nathan 20 roll to 20 nathan nathan open the door it's getting hot in here i want to get off all my clothes just let me in nathan i mean i'm not it's real dry it's real dry. It's real dry. I'm feeling cutting the line with the message. The pieces are all separated still. Right. Should we just grab pieces and keep them separate?

Yeah. I mean, I feel like I was going to ask. I didn't say it. Gilfry to send it to like one of them to that, send it through the message. Is there a way? Ooh, can you wait,

Nathan, when you go to, when you go to the spirit realm, you can't leave stuff there. Right. I mean, it's, it's more like I'm seeing an x-ray. Right. There is such a thing of this world. Maybe you should do it now and see if we can, cause now we've achieved the goal. Maybe we should try to get back in touch with that. Or do we never,

I can't remember if we ever did this. God, there's too many, too many moving parts. But yeah, if you go to the spirit realm, either talk to the cutlass guy or figure out what we can do with these pieces.

You might see some cool stuff while you're in there and you might maybe the cutlass guy did we establish, is it always just taking a drink is that how I get in contact with him that's what he did he did last time yeah and then holding the cutlass yes let's get so let's get the cutlass out and I'll

rub my fanny on the ground and find the perfect spot it takes no second whatever rabbits do in England that's something else all right and Princess Cosby goes oh my whatever rabbits do. Yeah, in England that's something else. Alright. Princess Cosby goes, oh my! Front button. I'll take the

little sip of whatever the black swirling liquid is that what that is? Will you please do a charisma saving throw? Sure. And so Nathan goes like as he's taking a sip he's like I remember when I did this

and he gives himself a 16 and then charisma plus 2 so a total of 18 you guys all see Nathan's eyes suddenly seem to roll back but then they're pitch black.

And he kind of goes on his butt and sits on the floor. So cozy. Nathan, it's eerily quiet here. You don't hear the voice of Balthazar. The room is the temple of Bahamut, except immaculate. All the furniture is exactly where it was when you came in. It's very clean, no dust. You see what looks like hovering in the air, frozen, but in many pieces,

chunks of glowing blue ethereal skeleton. It appears to be like some sort of shattered skeleton with its parts floating in the air. And you can tell from some, like a large beak and talons on the shattered hands, it looks like the skeleton of Panzuzu frozen and shattered in the air. Just like hanging. Just hanging in

like the bones are in chunks. A different spot. You see what looks like nervous system strands also mixed in. Alright, yeah. So Nathan and Luckman go skeleton everywhere. Nathan, Nathan, you hear a voice right on the other side of the now exposed

door. It goes uh here, we can go here. Just open the door, Nathan. It's not in your head this time. You hear like an audible voice on the other side of this door. Are we all here?

Just him. It's in the, what is this place called again? Sorry, I forget. Shadow realm or the Fae or what is this place called? Shadow. Dan, is that right? It's the Shadowfell. Shadowfell. Shadowfell.

I guess I'll look at the beak area and go like, what do you think? And I'll ask Panzuzu. No response. As if it's dead. And that's good.

Is that guy still there talking to you? Yeah, he's on the still on the other side of the door. Why don't you invite me in, Nathan? Tell him to identify himself.

Sounds like proper Taylor. Name yourself. then. Tell him to identify himself. Sounds like Rick Taylor. Name yourself. We've met before and another time, another place. Liza? Things might not go

so well for you this time if you don't just invite me in. There's gotta be a vampire, right? Yeah. So is it the guy that you bagpiped to? I'm trying to remember.

Oh, we didn't kill him with us. Do another insight check, Nathan. Me do an insight check? Uh-huh. Okay. I rolled a 14 and I have no bonus. So 14.

Yeah, you've definitely met this voice before. This sounds a lot like the vampire who got 69 bagpiped, who you killed in the woods in your previous timeline. Originally known as Count Amalegda, he is Lord Amalegda in the new timeline and you've heard through the pipeline has

greatly expanded powers compared to the one you met before. Vampyr. compared to the one you met before. Bump here. Tell him we kicked his ass once and we'll do it again. You're going to die. Oh, is that right, Mr. Bunny Rabbit? That's the forecast. Ken, Ken, use your,

see if you, Tootie, can do any undead stuff, right? Yeah. Yeah. I don't see any of that. Just open the door, Nathan. You won't like what will happen if you don't open the door. I guess you can come back out of there,

but I, yeah, I don't. Yeah, I'll sort of snap out of there, but I yeah, I don't Yeah, I'll sort of snap out of the, whatever, the shadow fell and be like I don't like the smell of that one Okay, I'm looking I'm trying to look for, see if there's anything that we know about

I'm not the same vampire you met before you hear in all of your heads Ooh, impressive Stereophonic not the same vampire you met before you hear in all of your heads. Ooh. Ooh, impressive. Stereophonic. And Tootie, as a man of the cloth, you certainly must have

some powers with the undead? You would think, but I don't see them anywhere. I have yet to see those. The paladin can turn undead. It's not under my features. They only get the turn ability if their oath says that they do. Got it.

So versus clerics in 5th edition. When you took away Panzuzu, King Valix gave me something that let me keep the other vampires and cabal members in line. What? Can we all hear him now through the door? Yeah, he's speaking into your minds collectively at this point. What did you get? That's cool. Oh,

thank you for asking. He gave me a very powerful magical rod that once belonged to the original vampire. A god that was banished to the abyss long ago. Hmm. A rod? A rod that allows me to see through different planes of existence.

You're kind of a rod. Oh! Nathan, high five! Oh my god, that's great! Nathan, high five! Oh! Oh my God, Sarah! You know, King Valix took for granted my wits as well. He did not realize I would use the rod to trace it back to its original owner in the abyss. The vampire god.

Yes, I didn't know it at the time, but his name was Cancelsis. Cancelsis? Does that ring a bell for anybody? No. Sounds like something my kid's friend got at school.

Why don't all you guys, everybody do, you can choose a religion or a history check okay i will pick history i did history and got a 17 nice i got a 22 History? Yep I got an 11 Is that good? No

What was the choice, history or insight? Religion Religion You had to have a 12 That is a 6 We needed a 20 So this one will go to nathan again nathan canchelsis was a deity of blood debauchery magic and vampirism uh you you know him as this sort of mythical bat shape. You haven't heard from him in a long time.

Most people don't talk about him very much, but he is believed to be the progenitor of all vampires. Yeah, it checks out. God of vampires. Sounds real A to B. Tootie, can I ask you real quick which oath you took? Which your paladin oath? Hang on, I gotta look at it again.

Redemption, I believe. Redemption. Redemption. Redemption. Cancelsis didn't believe anyone would come looking for him. Yeah, redemption. Channel Divinity is what I have with that. I caught him sleeping.

Yes, and thank you for telling us your backstory here. Oh, you're quite welcome. I made a deal with some lesser demons and caught him when he wasn't expecting it. Not thinking, oh, someone will try to

find me once they acquire the rod. Hey, we've all been there. Not thinking it would be a vampire who would perhaps want to absorb his essence. That's a thing, huh? You're gonna absorb vampire god essence

it's already been done hey bully so you're some kind you can't get in the door but you're some kind of vampire god oh I'm just trying to make it more fun if you don't open the door

something different will happen than if you do oh you're making it very dry. I noticed that. I'm applying some aloe that I took from the hotel. We've got plenty of aqua for it.

Speaking of which, can I get a wisdom saving throw from everybody but Nathan? I'll think about it. Sarah, you still have advantage. 18 plus 3, 21. Nice. Thanks for showing me where that 3 was, Dan. You got this, Brian.

Was I supposed to roll? What am I rolling? Wisdom. Wisdom. Wisdom. Oh, okay. Wisdom saving throw. I missed that one. Where'd you get, Blaine? Oh, rolling again. I had already rolled earlier. Yeah, you're doing that again.

Shit, low again. Fucking five. 18 plus 121. Okay. Okay. Iva, Jelf, you both kind of snap out of it and you start to feel your breath come back 2D Gobar

um you guys start to choke everybody else you see them like like suddenly unable to breathe oh no um can you guys dispel magic anybody dispel magic because it's a magical

something I don't know if that's one of my spells better check your spells no sorry is and now this guy is outside the door we can't see him right correct and you've got a bunch of pews and benches in front of the door. And there's a reconstituting demon floating Dr. Manhattan style. In another dimension, in this plane of existence, here's just a bunch of frozen chunks on the floor. Nathan went to the

place where he looks like Dr. Manhattan, yeah. Okay, I'm gonna flip through the vampire diary that I have in my inventory. Sure! That's a thing. i'm gonna look for the most embarrassing entry okay just the most self-important sad just like investigation check for sure and then i'm gonna read it out loud okay nice and try to embarrass him to death 25 Nice. And try to embarrass him to death. 25.

Okay. That's very high. This was the one we found in the coffin. This diary belonged to someone named Count Vala. You've only met him in combat. you did not really speak to him you found him sleeping in your mansion right and executed him and there are notes about the cabal about the other vampires and how count amalegda is his most loyal servant. Count Amalegda is the one he first gave vampirism several hundred years ago. He's a bit eccentric.

And one of the things that he, that Count Vala used to lord over him was the fact that he had an uncomfortable relationship with his parents. Yes. Okay. This is what we need. Is there any more shit talking in there that i could directly quote um with the 25 yeah sure um let me look so like his parents names yeah yeah they lived in a continent far away where there was a lot of dancing.

And sometimes Count Amalegda would think to himself in private thoughts that only Count Vala was privy to because he would read Lord Amalegda's mind how he missed dancing. Okay, so... okay so uh listen you know that's what's in the diary uh that's there um uh okay let's see how can we how can we use this guys how can we use this information you're gonna have to challenge him to a mambo off. Was it tough for you when you ascended? Because, you know, I know

you always wanted your parents to be proud of your dancing, and you really haven't got a chance to dance. Yeah. In a lot of ways, it feels like you've really failed as both a man and a vampire

here everybody roll a dexterity saving throw it's all going perfectly 14 well somebody tell us what we're supposed to be doing good here nobody like what is the end goal here you're gonna want to want to beat a 15.

21. Sorry. 21. Anybody have a pen? Deck saving throw, Brian. Deck saving throw. 19. Dick saving throw. Right? Yeah, right. He's

telling us his backstory. We're teasing him. We're having a good time. really, what are we doing here? Do we think he wants the, we need to figure this out. Well, we gotta kill him. the benches and pews explode inwards. And those of you who rolled under a 15 are going to take six points of bludgeoning damage. Ouch. Uh, that includes,

I'll go ahead. No, no, go ahead. That includes princess Caspia. Um, and, uh,

you see standing in the doorway, Lord, I'm a leg, duh, uh, holding a scepter with a red jewel on top of it and wearing golden armor

and he says thank you thank you for doing your homework I think it's time to talk about whether you leave here alive he's growly I think it's time to talk about whether you leave here alive he's growly

no problem twinkle toes so he still can't like come in is that the deal now he's blown out the door so it feels like we'll have to find out on the next episode of nerdy pokes hi sam hi everyone On the next episode of Nerdy Pokes.

Hi, Sam. Hi, everyone. Episode 87. Much like the IRS in the 90s, we are charging a hammer. All of our various D&D things are coming together in terms of demons trapped in objects. 2D smashed Panzuzu into bits, which leveled us up, which I learned not from seven years of nerd poker but two months of Elden Ring is important what now I think we have to go to another timeline maybe one

where we're climbing a boat I hope Nathan drank that good times liquid and found Panzuzu's skeleton and a vampire and Lord Malegda this show has gotten very spooky as hell ever since Dan grew the beard of Orson wells oh no what a terrible beard to grow what the best beard are you kidding is it okay yes that was a

compliment not a slight i think of orson wells as a sad alcoholic who sold frozen peas at that orson wells is a handsome genius who even at his worst had an incredible beard well then he haunts he haunts a pastry place. How cool is that? Oh, that is pretty cool. Yeah. Okay. Compliment accepted, Sam. I just fight every compliment. Delightful.

Serve anyone before it's time. I shall do some plugs now. Yeah, I still have a monthly show out here in Los Angeles working on getting back on the road emailing the clubs hopefully you'll see me soon in Pacific Northwest and the Midwest also I have that book out talesofzadia.com

X-A-D-I-A that's it for me hey Brian what's going on in your neck of the woods oh brianfazine.com would be where my tour dates are I've got Spokane coming up. Johnny Taylor, yes. Austin, yeah. And then I've got Austin, Texas

coming up. A place I haven't played. But it's always a good city. And more comical books. So many. That's it. Oh my god, Sam is eating ramen. I'd love some ramen right now. So many. That's it. Oh, my God. Sam is eating ramen.

Why? I'd love some ramen right now. Oh, the dog. His dog's name is Ramen. God damn it. Anybody else? Blame. Oh, Stacy Keach and I are going to be in Brussels judging the Eurovision sound contest

upstairs at the Atomium, the building shaped like an atom. Very cool. The sound contest? Eurosong Sound Vision. I'm not sure what it is. I'm just doing a few minutes up front. That's a big thing in Europe.

Yeah, it's a big show. It's not that one. Oh. God damn it. Alright. Your listenage is appreciated. Thanks for listening to another episode of NerdPoker.

You can follow us at patreon.com slash nerdpoker and you get bonus episodes from there. And you can also send us anything at P.O. Box 16069, Encino, California, 91416. Thanks for listening.