Nerd Poker - S4E88 Let The Blight One In

Episode Date: May 17, 2022

Trapped in the Temple of Bahamut (which you know, doesn't sound bad on its own) an eerie voice calls to the Castaway Cuties through the blocked door. Hopefully the Dungeon Master hasn't recently watched the movie Green Room! Oh wait he did...

Hey everybody, I'm Brian Pussain, Comedian, writer, actor, nerd. I've been playing D&D with my friends for a long time. I decided to do a new podcast where we play Dungeons & Dragons in my very own dining room. With my wife, kid, and my noisy dogs. So meet my friends... Sarah Kev Dan

Lee Chris Now it's time for another episode of Brian Pussain's Nerd Poker. Season 4. Hey everybody, it's Brian Pussain. You know where you are. Let's do one. Episode 88, you like it?

Last time was 87. Makes sense. Let's do some nerd pokering. My friends are here. I see Dan. Hi. I see Ken. Yeah, we're in the nerd poker zone.

I see Blade. The NPC. And Chris. Hey man, you have to drive faster than 55 here. Oh, shit. Sarah's here. We're just doing it. We're going to do another episode.

Sam's there. Hello, sweet children. Yeah. I've been staring lovingly into his eyes for the last 20 minutes. It's like the Pieta in Child. Or the Pieta. His breath is great.

The work that Stan Winston did is just amazing. It looks so real. Eight hours of prosthetics. Who's wearing that? It's not just three guys operating it behind sam

yeah and one person yeah one person each leg there's a huge truck parked out front with a lot of cables snaking out to it and none of them are union because i am a scab uh dan you want to thank some people? I sure do, Brian. I want to thank the Patreon supporters who make this show exist. Hi. Enjoy it.

You go by Patreon supporter names like Matthew Edwards. Thank you, by the way. Thank you. Thank you, Matt, the forever DM, Longo. Thanks, Matt. I know the vibe, man. Thank you, Flapchap McRibwrap. Thank you, Trilly McGinnist.

That's a good one. Thank you, Callum Kennedy. Thank you, Grim Bacon. Thank you, Keith Arton. Thank you, Bojangles. Thank you. Dance. Thank you, Billy's ASMR Mixtape. Yep. Thank you, Bojangles. Thank you. Dance. Thank you, Billy's ASMR mixtape.

Yep. Thank you. Yeah. Thank you, Brian, for the loving reach around. No problem. It's nice to be acknowledged. You've lost that love and reach. Thank you, Brent Kreiner.

Thanks, Brent. Thank you, PPTapeNFT. Wish that came out a couple years ago. Am I right, folks? Thank you, Jack Burton. Thank you, Doc Roxo. Thank you, Eric Skor. Thank you, Wade Long.

Thanks, Wade. Thank you, Dr. Wieners. Thank you, Doctor. Thank you, the rest of Skeletor. Hey, yeah, finally. Thank you, F of Skeletor Hey Yeah finally Thank you Fint the Druid Thank you Sean George Thank you Kayla the Wonder Poodle

Thank you Iva's Masks Unlimited Unlimited Masks Thanks Rob I am Thank you Fart Cannon is online Thank you We need a whole Billy episode.

Folks, they love the Billy. They do. Thank you, Shakira, when the walls fell. Thank you, Michelle. That's it. Just Michelle. Thank you, War Anus. Thank you, Kevin Hitt. Thank you, Billionaires. Thank you, Beta Ray Bill Nye

the Science Guy. Thank you, Ramsey. you war anus thank you kevin hit thank you billionaires thank you beta ray bill nye the science guy thank you ramsey thank you my depression medication i mean seriously folks that's that's that's a real it's a real great thing to have around uh thank you smack dab in the middle thank you friday the 15th which is fr Friday the 13th with two fingers up your ass. Yeah. Sure is. And finally, thank you. Oh, this is a reference to a bonus episode where I did a voice. Let me see if I can do the voice again. Me shunky the sexy surprise.

Call me to book sexy orc surprise for your VIP events like dentist convention or Sam's birthday. I think that was from a bonus episode with John Rosbowie. The sexy orc stripper in a cake. I'm going to go turn the air conditioning on and miss what I'm sure is a brilliant thing. Blaine, who are those Patreon supporters brought to us by?

Thanks, Dan. Those Patreon supporters are brought to us by... No! Binny.com! Dan, those Patreon supporters are brought to us by... No, Biddy.com! For the hottest buddy chat, local biddies want to speak to you over tea and crumpets. Log on to Biddy.com! Why never? Dan?

That's insane. That was the day I sat back down and none of my friends were the same. That's a good one. Good one, Bladen. Thanks. I look forward to listening back and finding out not just that commercial, but... What happened last time on nerd poker first of all can you hear my dog making weird snorting noises in the background the uh castaway cuties just uh taunted a vampire it blew the door open some some folks took some

budgeting damage sarah I don't remember. You said something. You wanted something to happen right when we cut the episode off. We just recorded this, but I don't remember. All I said was, like, I didn't know. I mean. You didn't know what? I didn't know if him blowing the door open was a way, like, a sneaky loophole for him to come inside.

I also don't know why I'm antagonizing him, and I don't know what we're doing. So that's just like, welcome to my world. Welcome to Nerd Poker Season 4. Well, now that you can see him, I'm going to text you all some art of him by Sean Bryant. You're going to text us? Guys, don't look.

That sounds very formal. This is some kind of trap. That's a picture of This is some kind of trap. That's a picture of your dick. Oh, Dan. I have not sent it. That tattoo is awful. Well, first of all, I'm glad you got the point of my tattoo. Second of all, here it comes.

Yes. This is amazing that you're sending it up into space and then back to our phones. And we're watching it happen on real time and talking about it on a podcast. I'm still waiting. If Ken didn't have an Android, this would be a very fast data transaction. Penis first. Oh, there he is. Look at him. Ken, that's more kind of your mantra, right?

That's really cool. I got the penis first. Oh, look at that eye. The scepter. I don't like it. I love that drawing. Very Peter Cushing. Very, very cool.

Great drawing. Awesome. Sean Bryant is a badass who does concept art for movies and television. He's great. The best. No kidding. What's that you were saying about my private life? So handsome.

You're so handsome. Hmm. Is that so? I have a proposition for you. What's that? Is he drunk? Sure. No. Oh. No.

Oh. Psych. A very funny bit happening in the text thread with Sam Kiefer. He just texted a picture of Orson Welles and his beard, folks. I like how good that beard is. Here's what I propose. You've done me quite a favor by destroying the phylactery. In some senses, I'm maybe more powerful than the Lich.

So here's what I'm going to tell you. If you owe me a favor, I'll give you a map to the Lich's castle. owe me a favor, I'll give you a map to the Lich's castle. Didn't seem like you fared that well against just a dozen or so guards in the town square, so maybe a few hundred at the

castle guarding the Lich is a bit much for you. What do you say? Shortcut, perhaps, to the Lich's lair beneath Vindaria? My support when you

excise him from the throne? Why don't you just go get him if that's your decision? Oh, a bit dangerous. I'd like to stay out of harm's way, have no one know what happened, how someone got into the basement. Mm-hmm.

And let's say we take him out. Yeah. Yeah, what happens next? Then the power vacuum, you go in there with your weird scepter? Oh, pretty much. I'll just go ahead and scoot into a part of the castle where he keeps a few things you don't have to worry about.

Let me see this map. Can we see it to prove that you have it? He reaches into his belt and grabs a bit of parchment and dangles it in front of you while it's rolled up. That could be a Barney's Beanery menu oh shit on i heard a barney's beanery joke but i also heard iva making a grab for it sounds fun let's uh let's see what should i make you roll i definitely am tempted to do sleight of hand yeah that feels like what i was counting on i would i would i for it, yeah. Roll a sleight of hand check.

Okay. Am I near Iva? I have on my tentative map that you are kind of to her right a bit, and Iva, yeah, she's ahead by a bit. I will say... Go ahead. No, I was going to deliver my... I've yeah like she's she's ahead by a bit. I will say only. Yeah, go ahead.

No, I was going to deliver my I only rolled a 26. Nice. Wow. All right. All right. He dangled it. So he dangles it and he's a solid 15 feet away but you guys all see iva like just a lightning bolt like run for the hand and just snag um you get about uh five feet away mm-hmm you're holding it yeah um and i'm going to do a roll. Go one second.

To be clear, I did not invite him in. I expressly am not inviting him to this party. Noted. Noted. And, uh, you did exit the room, but as you back away, uh, hang on. I'm trying to get my cat to stop eating my dice. Fun new cat

fact. They eat dice if you let them. They eat anything. Piece of a statue, Adam. Iva, what is your AC? It is 14. Okay. So this is going to be... A...

25 to hit. You take Dan, is it slashing at her? It sure is. So this is going to be 10 points of slashing damage As he backhands you And you back away Okay I'm going to use my uncanny dodge feature

To use my reaction To have the attacks damage Great Well that wasn't very polite use my reaction to have the attacks damage. Great. Well, that wasn't very polite. Sounds like the deal is off. I'm going to have everybody roll for initiative.

I just thought we could negotiate better if he wasn't dangling it in front of us. Yeah, the deal doesn't have to be off. The deal doesn't have to be off, sir. It is a traditional thing. Before bargaining, I will steal what is precious from your hands. And now we shall bargain. That's a classic negotiation move.

It feels like I apologize to everyone in the party if you thought that we were going to do this guy's bidding and then allow the power vacuum to be filled with his rod. But... That's what he wanted, and I'm just saying... That's what Dan texted me. Oh, no.

But yeah, I will undo this if I need to. Did you guys want to negotiate with him further? I don't care. Let's get him. I didn't think he'd react so poorly to me taking it. I thought he'd think it was funny. I mean, guys, he looks like Peter Cushing. I'll just play the bagpipe again.

Oh, boy. More pushing for the Cushing. Nice. I've heard that. Alright, well, my cat is now eating my hoodie. What did you guys roll? He rolled a 14 Which is lower than I expected 12

For Mr. Tootie What about you Mr. Goldbar What was the roll Initiative Watch me For mighty combat Goldbar He's thinking about it Watch me. For mighty combat, Goldbar! Eh.

He's thinking about it. He's thinking about it. God, low. Again. Five. All right. That'll bring me to Ivo. What'd you get? I got a 20. Nice. Jelf? 14 plus 4, 18.

Nathan? Eight? nice jelf 14 plus 4 18 Nathan 8 uh Caspia got a 7 and I'm now going to organize things yeah so like at this point you feel like it'll be pretty hard to negotiate with him unless you did

something fairly submissive. I'm going to have the map come up on the old roll 20. And up first in the now very tense situation that I'm assuming will end in combat is none other than I have a paper bark. What would you like to do? I have a. I mean, I guess I'm trying to get a sense of like, do this, whether the other people and I definitely did not mean to immediately start combat. I just was like, oh, show us this thing that you're.

And then I, you know, I felt like I should take it. And then Dan said, roll initiative. Right. So I rolled the highest on initiative. So I'm happy to try to persuade him to chill for a moment if we want to further discuss things. Okay. Let's hear what you say first, and then you can roll to persuade.

Sir, let's take it down a notch. Okay? You surprised us here. You're dangling some type of arrangement in front of us, whilst threatening us with your form and figure and rod. And I think we all should just take a deep breath and start over again. What do you think? Now, when you say this, are you giving him back the map? Is it sitting in your hand at your side? Are you waving it in his face? No, the map has been tucked safely away on my person. Okay.

Roll a persuasion check. I am going to use a luck point. Ha ha. What was it? It was a three. Plus, I'm going to have a five. Yeah. Oh, no.

It was a four now, but that's a 12. But it's probably not going to do it. Yeah, I mean, no more luck points. I mean, I feel like I might need them. So. What do you mean? This is a classic de-escalation strategy. I steal your thing.

Look, I want Chris to say flat out. Yes. Yes. I wanted to do this vampire's bidding. And I think that we should definitely get this guy. Right. Let's get this guy. His his red eyes

glow crimson and stare through you in silence. I'm going to try and persuade him. I'm going to use the emissary of peace. Oh, that would be fun if it was your turn. But something hostile happened. Are we fighting? We're fighting. You're right. Well, here's the thing. For me,

at least this is the house rule, I think it's pretty close to the way it's supposed to go. Once you do something hostile, you can potentially be instantly entering combat, and if you do something to de-escalate, you can potentially exit it, but time slows down at this point, so regardless of whether...

Whoever's next, yeah. Yeah, time is now slowed down in adrenaline mode, and so you can make that choice when everyone else has done their quicker thing. Look, I got excited. As well, you should. Is there anything else you'd like to do, Eva? You still have movement.

I mean, I'm definitely going to get farther away from him as I'm talking. He's not in the room, is he? He's in the doorway. Actually, I should adjust the map to reflect that. I think that might be why this has come up a couple of times. You going? All right. I didn't draw a door on the map to reflect that. I think that might be why this has come up a couple of times. You going? All right. I didn't draw a door on the map.

I apologize. A simple map for a simple room. You guys are in a large square room, rectangular room with broken wood on the ground. Um. Yeah, you can back it up. Hmm. Um Yeah you can back it up What is the floating Thing doing Um again

My friend but that is in another dimension In your dimension it's broken Shattered frozen petrified Panduzu on the floor It's like a broken vase panzuzu on the floor it's like it's like a broken vase of panzuzu on the floor in this in the shadow fell there was that frozen skeleton in there which only nathan has seen firsthand but he described to you man this cat really loves to duncan loves to perch you know i found out this is very this is for you cat lovers he's an egyptian mau which is this breed of cat

that is obsessed with perching and trees and stuff like that so he loves to just jump on your shoulders and walk around the house very cute yeah are you gonna back up i think you backed up a little bit you back up 30 feet i mean you can just can just... Yeah, I'm backing up as... Yeah, I'm backing up as far as I can. Cool. Jelf, you are next in the turn order. I'm also backing up. What is there? I don't know.

Yeah, I don't want to do my patented start shooting at things. Right? Yeah, you can try. Well, I just try to deescalate. I took the thing from him so he doesn't have the kind of leverage he had before. But you could try to deescalate. He doesn't have the map anymore?

You took the... Yeah, I have it. But that doesn't mean we all have to kill each other over it. Yeah, I don't know what to do. Is he making any sort of... Is he... Is he trying to... How do you think this all got started?

Is he doing... What is he doing? Is he just in the doorway? Because he can't do anything until he comes in, right? He just slashed me when I grabbed the map. That's... He's standing in the doorway. She reached out, grabbed the map that he was dangling

in front of all of you in the doorway. And he backhanded her when she ran off. And there's no... Are there any windows in this room, or we... No, you're underground. There's no windows in one door. Okay. Oh, you're a ghost.

I don't... Jeez. I feel like I'm going to shoot an arrow at him right yeah you can set the room on fire that's an option

I don't want to set the room on fire I was thinking of shooting a grasping arrow at him would you like to shoot one of a grasping arrow at him. Oh, would you like to? Yes, I would like to. Can you shoot one of those pieces of wood at him? That's like a spell for throwing things.

A grasping arrow is still going to be an attack roll. So why don't we get that attack roll? Oh, 19 plus a... Plus four. That's a hit. Yeah. Holy cow, it's a hit. plus a plus 4. That's a hit. Yeah. Holy cow, it's a hit. And I do So, oh, here's what

happens with the grasping arrow. Creature hit by the arrow takes extra 2d6 poison damage. Speed reduced by 10 feet and takes slashing damage because it creates brambles that reach out and grab him like vines and stuff. Any creature uses an action or removes them with an athletics check. So.

Cool, roll that damage. Okay, sorry. 2d6 poison and 2d6 slashing 4 and 5 is 9 uh 3 and 2 is 5 14 all right um oh sorry uh yes All right. Oh, sorry. Yes. Okay, sorry. Yeah, I'm done.

Thank you. Cool. He scowls at you as the brambles grab him. Okay. What's he doing with that scepter he's got? He's holding it like this vertically in his hand can i shoot another uh i have another attack this round can i shoot an arrow at his head yeah but you you got a crit to make a called shot okay

nah 19 okay that's pretty close. 19 plus 4. That's very close. You hit him in the shoulder. 6 points, 10 points. Piercing. How many points piercing? I'm sorry, I'm reading more about it. Oh, 10 points.

Thank you. All right. Up next in the, the old turn orders to the Turanville who had an idea earlier to the, Oh, skip that one. Um, I'll try. Listen,

there's always persuasion checks in the middle of combat. It goes well every time. It never goes well. Um, I am going to... Let's see. I'm gonna... well, is he bound, right, by the vines? Yes.

Can he not move? So let's... he is... Yes. Can he not move? So let's... He is... Yeah, these brambles last for a minute. So his movement is reduced, but

they're not complete. He's not held in place or restrained. He's slowed down. But the vines are all tight on his body, making squeezes and bulges. Ooh,

bulges. Alright, I'm gonna cast Command. Okay. Oh, never mind. I'm dead. I'm going to... I'm going to cast Branding Smite. Okay. And I'm going to move

to the side here. Okay. Over there. Just out of range of the doorway. Okay. Branding smite, you say? Yes, sir. I'm looking for where that is on your sheet.

I'm not seeing it because you have just added it. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Would you like to tell us how it goes? The next time you hit a creature with a weapon attack before the spell ends, the weapon gleams with astral radiance as you strike. The attack deals an extra 2d6 radiant damage to the target. And the target sheds dim light in a five foot radius and can't become invisible

until the spell ends. Cool, roll to attack. I'm out of range. Can't out what until the spell ends? Become invisible. Oh, okay. And you're not striking yet. You're just setting yourself up. No, I'm just setting it up for the attack.

Got you. You're letting him just hang out in the hallway. Yeah. Okay. And I'm hopefully out of his sight range where I moved to. I mean, pretty much. Okay.

Will that do it for you? I think so, yeah. So, you know what? I'm looking to see if there's any good sharp pieces of wood on the ground. Oh, there's a fuck ton of it. Yeah, there's splinter wood everywhere. I'll grab one. Cool.

All right. Up next is Lord Amalegda. He... goes ahead and... Jill's Jill. Just... Wow! Jill Wow Yeah he Raises the hand with a scepter And blinks out of existence

Wow We neutronized it Yay That was fun Okay You skeptical? It appears that It appears That was fun. Okay. You skeptical? It appears that it appears

that you don't see the brambles, you don't see the rod, like it just and up next in this tense moment where you can't see anything happening really is Nathan. Interesting. Okay, so Nathan will happening really is nathan uh interesting okay so nathan will

i'm gonna cast mage armor upon myself raising my armor class up to 15 uh i am then going to run and fall back one i'm gonna move my full movement 35 which brings me i think to here and then i'm gonna bonus action dash so i'm up around what are these things dan there's it looks like there's some sort of structures or something like that no those are just broken pews and benches like shattered wood that he blew out from the door. Okay, so I'm going to sort of duck down and try and get some cover behind this shattered pew. That's what I will do. Sounds good. Princess Caspia, noting what Nathan just did, is going to do something similar and run the opposite side of the room.

Duck and hide. It's actually duck and hide's monster. Then that'll bring us to Golbar. Golbar, what are you up to these days? Brian Poussain, Golbar, you just, you witness

Lord Amalegda blink out of existence. Oh, yeah. What was that all about? Your turn in the combat, though. Who am I fighting? An invisible vampire? Oh, God, those are the worst kind.

I like the pretty sparkly ones. You wouldn't think I would, but ha, they're charisma, so, you know, you can't really say no. It's true. What would you like to do this turn, sir? Just sort of think about it? Just jack off to an invisible vampire, maybe.

All right, I'll take that as hold your action, yes? No, never mind. I'm just fucking with the guy that I'm talking right. I'll take that as hold your action, yes? No, never mind. I'm just fucking with the guy that I'm talking to. I know that. Goldball, are you checking off? No, no. I was breaking the fourth wall. I think we need to start talking about rules of behavior on the combat field.

Is it because of that text I sent you? No, I'm tired, and sometimes I write Deadpool, and so I'm breaking the fourth ball anyway that's all yeah do you want to like like hold your action or like charge at the doorway or anything like that does he have an idea of where the guy was um do an insight check all right i mean you knew he was in the doorway but this is to figure out like okay like where is a doorway that's very true yeah 11 okay but not so good you know yes I'm to try and draw a doorway on the map, but yep, not too

sure. You can draw a doorway? Yes. Wow. Can you draw root deer in a mug? I mean, I will, like, later for you.

Can you draw a pelican smoking a cigar? Yes. Can you draw a pirate turtle? You know, can you draw Peter Griffin fucking Marge Simpson? I don't know who those people are. That sounds terrible. We're talking about the test to get into art school, and I don't want to go to that art school.

Oh, okay. I don't want to go to that art school. Oh, okay. I don't want to go to that. I'm just running an art school scam on the side. Yeah. Whoa. He did Betty and Veronica fucking the Muppets. Your kitty just slipped right off. My cat is such a dumbass.

Yeah. Meanwhile, you guys are talking about Rule 34 University. Can you have the 34 University Fucking each other Did we get it on our Cat sales podcast show Damn you gotta Download this video Oh no

Is he okay I don't know I don't have cats He's very Athletic yeah I mean he landed on his feet. Did he wipe out? Is he alright? He just slid right off the top of the... The big thing that happened was the dog thought he did...

that the cat did something wrong and he had to herd the cat to teach it a lesson and so they just ran in a circle of dominance. So, they're fine. They're both out of the room now. Everything's cleaned up. There is a pile of garbage on my desk.

But other than that, everything's great. Dan, your work is valuable. Many people love it. You know, that was mostly all my medical bills. So that's a fun pile. Oh, yeah. Folks! I think your pets reacted to Blaine

doing that sexy animation talk. talk yeah they got a little distracted uh yeah brian you draw the wheelie and the chopper bunch sucking off devlin hey enough of that are you gonna just sort of standard attention your your your your friends are hiding yeah yeah you're gonna you're gonna hold your action and just like brace yourself Your friends are hiding. Yeah. Yeah, you're gonna hold your action and just, like, brace yourself? Pretty much. Okay, cool. Up next, we've got Iva.

So, can I, using, like, investigation or whatever, see if he's, like, reappeared? Yeah, absolutely, absolutely. Absolutely. Is he using his little misty form or whatever to be somewhere else? Right. Oh, God, that's a 10.

Yeah, I can't really tell. Okay, I'm going to... Okay. Okay, I'm going to reach deep into my rucksack and pull out all of my ball bearings, which I replaced earlier in the campaign. And I'm just going to throw them out out the door and into the hallway. Okay.

And then I can see if he disturbs them at all when he appears. Nice. You took your balls out of your German backpack? Yes, my 1,000 balls. Oh! They're very small. What a strange item.

It's not better. You've got big balls. It's the best. You've got big balls. You've got the biggest balls of... Hello? Hello. Okay, so I run up to here.

I just shoot a bunch of balls down the hall. Yeah, they all just roll down the hallway. Shooting balls. Okay, anything else? Where are you moving? shoot a bunch of balls down the hall. Yeah. They all, they'll just roll down the hallway. Um, okay. Anything else? Um, and then I'm going to, um,

yeah, I think that's, I guess that, uh, I mean, really what else is there at this point? I have the thing. Uh, I think that's... I guess that... I mean, really, what else is there at this point? I have the thing. I guess I will use my bonus action to search the...

It says I can... Did you see if the balls bounced off anything? Yeah, I mean, I assume he hadn't landed yet, but yeah, did I notice anything? Dan, was there any secret ball movement? I'm going to say from that distance and with your investigation check, you can't really tell for right now.

Okay. Then I'm going to use my eye for detail bonus action to make a perception check to spot a hidden creature or object. Okay. Oh. Eye for detail. action to make a perception check to spot a hidden creature or object. Okay. Oh. Nice. Eye for detail. I'm looking up the

restrictions. 18. Cool. Okay. It's cool how that's a bonus action. You think you see down the hallway, like just the ball bearings part a little bit about 10 feet down the hallway.

Coming towards us or going away? It's not an active thing you're seeing. It's just that you threw them. 10 feet from the doorway. 10 feet from the doorway. As the ball bearings rolled away, they kind of parted. Got it. Okay. I kind of gestured at everybody like,

I'll see you down there. Okay. And that's my turn. Alright. Joe. Can I throw a bucket of paint on him? I would have if I had one. Honestly, that's a better bet. No. I can't throw a bucket of paint on him. I would have if I had one honestly that's a better bet no

I can't throw a bucket of paint on him no that's dumb I feel like I'm going to cast long strider on myself okay and I'm going to

I'm going to run up to the left side of the door. I guess stage left. I'm going to head over here. Yes. And kind of take up. I'm just going to keep moving around. I really have no choice. I'm just going to kind of wait until I can sense this guy, I guess.

Cool. Tootie, you're up. Huh. Okay. I am going to try, I guess I would use my, what would I use to try to throw something? A spear. What would you use? Your hands?

Athletics. Athletics. spear what would you use your hands athletic athletics um i think that there is like a rule like uh hang on uh throw found object um it's you can throw it basically Um, it's, you can throw it basically the distance that you can walk per turn. Okay. Depending on how heavy it is. Take a piece of wood that I would like to try to impale. Just spear toss it.

You're going to throw it at the Dracula. Yeah. All right. Position yourself in front of the doorway. All right. And let's see. Let's have an roll to attack. We'll call this like plus zero to hit.

I have an athletics bonus. Does that matter? Well, unfortunately, this isn't a formalized javelin competition. Otherwise, damn it. Can we start one for your bonus action? Yeah. All right. Roll to attack.

You got this can. That's a six. Hey, hey. Athletics is very similar to an attack role, honestly. And yeah, but the six, I mean, like you throw it down the hallway, just kind of clacks against the ground. Cool. You move. OK, I don't know why you don't do that.

Get out of the doorway of the vampire. Cool. I'm gonna move back. Okay, I don't know why you'd wanna do that. Get out of the doorway of the vampire. Cool. That will bring us to the guy. Okay, so first things first. Everybody roll a perception check. 16 plus 6, 22. Cool. 11.

10. 13. 7. Okay. Super perceptive group. Not very. I'm not. I don't know if you are or not. I can't tell.

Okay, so that's everybody, right? Jelf, you hear a flapping noise and you see in the air, you hear like a scratch scratching noise kind of like above and behind Iva you're muted

above and behind Iva coming from the ceiling and you like look up and you think you just see something moving on the ceiling and Iva's there that's Iva's there. That's Iva. Is it Lionel Richie?

Oh, how fun. I get it. I'm going to fire an arrow at it. I'm going to fire two arrows at it. Not your turn, unfortunately. This is... Oh, okay. Sorry, sorry, sorry. Dan, can I fire two arrows at it?

It is your turn next in the combat order. And one more thing I'm going to check. You. Yes, go for it. Now, this is being Egyptian. I don't have any here. Okay, you are hiding behind a broken bench and Jeff, I'm just going to say probably alerted everybody that something's going on.

And so that's different than the thing we saw in the hallway. I'm sorry. What thing do you think you saw in the hallway besides a vampire? I have a through ball bearings. It's got to be a bat. It's got to be. He's a bat now, right? He's morphed into.

OK, so I will look up in the room. How high is the ceiling? Oh, yeah. I don't know. It's about 20 feet tall. Maybe he can come in. It's not our home. Maybe it's not our home, but he did seem to insist that we.

Dan, can you maybe ping on the map sort of where he is on the ceiling? First of all, you don't know who is on the ceiling. Second of all, the noise is coming from right about here. Sort of up there-ish. All right. Well, Nathan goes like, well, I'm going to try this. I don't know if it's going to work or not. And I'm going to cast Fireball on the spot in the ceiling.

Okay. And what is the sphere radius of that Fireball? It is a 20-foot radius. So that's why I'm trying to center it on the ceiling. So it only comes down 20 feet. And it just barely missed both Iva and Golbar, who are pretty close to this Fireball. Yeah.

It's not possible. Great. So that's a fireball. Yeah. It all possible. Great. So that's a deck saving throw. Yes. Yes. So for fireball, it is a DC 14 deck saving throw. Okay.

That is going to be... A fail. You all hear a screeching noise coming from the ceiling, and a creature sort of appears that was invisible in the and it's clinging to the ceiling above Iva. Yeah, gross. And it looks how high up is something like this.

It's it's 20 feet up and it can reach all the way to the ground. It's like right behind Ivalyn right there. Oh dear. Yeah. It's 8d6, which I rolled. It's 29 points of fire damage.

Great. It screeches and squeals. It is not dead. I will point it and go, there it is. Up there. Do I recognize or do any of us know what it is? I will let you on your turn do an associated roll if you like. Fair.

That's fair. Oh, it doesn't look like the thing from the doorway? No, look on the map. No, it looks weird. What thing from the doorway again? The thing from the doorway? No, look on the map. No, it looks weird. What thing from the doorway again? The thing from the thing. Remind me again what the thing in the doorway is that you're talking about. Vampire.

No, it's not the vampire. What the fuck is that? What the fuck is that? What the fuck is that? I'm gonna use my movement and run away from that horror what the Dan no

I am disappointed again put roll 20 link in the chat if anybody needs it I'm sorry I was looking at spells while you revealed it like a medieval version of the thing I'm going to use my movement to get up behind this guy up here

and use my bonus action to hide up amongst all that strewn shit. Gotcha. So hopefully it cannot find me. Because, Dan, you've gone too far. All right. So I think I need to say, where did you took it? Oh, you're way in the

back. Gotcha. Gotcha. I'm way up there. Yeah. Okay. That'll do it for your turn then.

And coming on up is Caspia. She is not stoked, but she is not a feared. So she sees that thing materialize and do do do, do, do, do, do, do. She goes ahead and fires a weapon called crossbow and misses little bolts go in the ceiling next to it.

And that will bring us to another thing in the room called Golbar. Hey, Golbar! Yeah? There's now a thing in the ceiling nearby. What? You see just over your left shoulder, there is a massive, like 15

to 20 foot long sort of sinewy, muscly over your left shoulder, there is a massive like 15 to 20 foot long sort of sinewy, muscly slime almost with a sharp-toothed maw at the bottom of it and meaty tentacles reaching

out for whoever is nearby. It has just been hit by a fireball and it looks like it's close enough to grab at you and Iva. Gah! Can I see it? It's on roll 20 if you head over to the old roll 20. I'm trying, yeah, yeah.

Get ready to be upset. Alright. Alright. It's almost as bad as a drawing of George Jetson fucking a shmoo. I hope I never see that in my life. That guy has a lot of them ready in the chamber to go. Yeah.

Yeah, I don't like it. Okay. Good to know. Attack. Okay. Attack, attack, attack. Attack. Okay. Attack, attack, attack. Attack. Hairbear gangbust bunch.

Hmm? What? What? The hairbear bang bunch. Stop it. He's workshopping that one? Yeah. Please don't bring McGilligirl into this.

Ooh. Oh, shit. Yeah. I came to bring the pain. 18 plus 7, 25, motherfucker. All right. Roll that damage. With my Hellfire Greataxe.

Yeah. Gold bar. Do it. Roll that damage. Five points to slashing. Okay. And then... I get a second yeah yeah

presuming you are raging yes great that one didn't hit okay are you frenzying which would cause a level of exhaustion but give you a third attack

no that'll do it for you and okay frenzying, which would cause a level of exhaustion, but give you a third attack. No. That'll do it for you. Okay. Unless you want to run around or something. Nah, I'm good. Okay. I'm going to move your token a little bit closer also, so you're within melee range. A little bit closer.

Um, so you guys, there's a fluttering noise as well as the scratch scratching. You notice a swarm of ravens appear in the air of the room. I think that just means it's spring. Um, they're going to head towards Goldbar. Shit. They're friendly.

They remember your face. They're going to bring you bottle caps. That is going to be... Hey, Goldbar, what's your AC? Never mind. Don't worry about it. 100. No, it is.

16. They don't manage to get at you. You kind of like swat them away, but they're all around you right now. It's just like in that Alfred Hitchcock movie, Psycho. And that will do it for their turn. And that will do it for their turn. The weird-ass creature is now going to take a shot at you, Goldbar.

Ooh. Ooh. It is attempting to slash at you with a tentacle. That is an 18 to hit. That's a hit. So, Goldbar, you take it's gonna be 14 points of bludgeoning damage,

and you are now grappled by a tentacle, Goldbar. Ugh. and you are now grappled by a tentacle, Golbar. Ugh. Um... And let's see. That is gonna be it for its turn, right? Nope, it's gonna bite. Never mind. It can multi-attack.

Golbar! Um, but that's a miss. He misses his bite. Good. You are still grappled up i'd like to see american dad grapple will with flintstone what that sounds

like another rule 34 university joke which is to say uh gross um and it's uh up next in the turn order is iva iva what are you going to do um so i guess i'm gonna get the fuck out of here up next in the turn order is Iva. Iva, what are you going to do? So I guess I'm going to get

the fuck out of here. Away from this thing, right? I mean, some people think it's cool. And then once I've done that, I will go ahead and

shoot an arrow. Oh, nice. I will go ahead and... Shoot an arrow. Oh, nice. At... How close is... Oh, it's the Danny picture, but it's Golbar. How close is Golbar to that first gross thing? Golbar is like... Is he within five feet?

Yeah, he's being grappled by it. Oh, yeah. Okay, good. Alright, so then, I mean, not good, Gulbar, you understand, but... Yeah. It just means that I can sneak attack him, so... No, I get it. That's what I'd like to do. Yeah. Sounds great.

Well, that is a 24 to hit. That is a sure hit. Nice. And then that's... Nine plus... So that's one arrow that does 20 points of damage. Dang.

All right. So you just clock this thing. Um, and it is, it squeals for a second, but it's like very focused on goal bar. Okay. Um, that unfortunately is all I can do. Okay. Um, although I can all I can do. Okay. Although I can actually use my bonus action again. What?

I could take it to hide, but instead I'm going to take it to use Eye for Detail again to look, because now two different... I'm surprised that my Eye for Detail did not notice hidden creatures in this room when now a flock of seagulls... It's almost like they were summoned.

Yeah. So I'm going to take my bonus action to look around the room to do that again and see if I see anything that's like you know, just appeared or about to appear or something. An army of kobolds in the corner. Yeah, that's an 11, so probably. No, you don't really see much other than the

chaos that is already beginning to ensue. What are you going to have, though? Okay. Just kidding. Sorry, that's Sarah, not... Well, I have great news. It is time to call the episode. Call it what? Call it Fantastic.

No, so this is a recap for our listeners. Yeah. Big old room full of broken wood. Nathan and Cospi are sort of hiding behind different things. Cospi is behind a broken bench. Nathan's behind the altar. There's a swarm of ravens attacking Golbar, who is also being held by a ceiling stuck creature.

And everyone else is sort of positioning around that chaos. And there's a vampire somewhere, probably in the hallway, invisible. Ooh, vampire. It's a John Denver song. But, you know, that's just what I think happened. Hey, Sam, what do you think happened this episode? Oh, what I think happened? Much like the United States, every year since we were founded, we are in combat.

We're using grasping arrows and vampires are going invisible and Golbar is my hero. Dan's cat is also in combat, it seems, and Iva is searching for balls. Something's flapping around. I hope it's Terry from that bonus episode we did during an art heist. Oh, it's not. It's some sort of Dan Telfer horror. Oh shit, now there's ravens and sweet baby Golbar is grappled thanks for liking me you're just the best uh anybody else oh sure i mean i've got uh stuff to plug it on social media but just go ahead and look there i'm i'm gonna just just

kind of like be a nudge at the socials just look me up on all the socials i'm on i'm on all of them like be a nudge at the socials. Just look me up on all the socials. I'm on, I'm on all of them. All right. Uh, um,

I'm saying.com for tour dates for me. I'm in Spokane coming soon. Uh, a place in, uh, fucking in the middle of the woods. Yeah. I've got one coming up that I've never done

I don't know that this is a great plug Brian yeah I know that's okay and then I've got Austin coming up we're just going to skip that one yeah just look at brianbussain.com you'll figure it out it's always helpful to say that

Blaine I'm curious I feel like we haven't heard what you've been up to in a while. Have you got any projects on deck? I hate to ask typical LA, right? But you know. Well, I'm working on a thing with Stacy Keats where we're going to try

to keep them separated. No, they're going to sue us. You won't like them anymore then uh cool well thanks for your listenage thanks for listening to another episode of nerd poker you can follow us at patreon.com slash nerd poker and you get bonus episodes from there and you can also send us anything at P.O. Box 16069 in Sino, California, 91416. Thanks for listening.