Nerd Poker - S4E90 Golden Jerk

Episode Date: May 31, 2022

The summoned monsters are dropping but so are our heroes, and it's a relatively tense fight all around. Luckily Sam posts an accidental cut and paste link in the chat at the end to break the tension!

Hey everybody, I'm Brian Poussin, Comedian, writer, actor, nerd. I've been playing D&D with my friends for a long time. I decided to do a new podcast where we play Dungeons & Dragons in my very own dining room. With my wife, kid, and my noisy dogs. So meet my friends Sarah, Kev, Dan, Lee, Chris. Now it's time for another episode of Brian Possein's Nerd Poker. Season four. Hey, everybody.

We're talking about sandwiches. It's Brian Possein here. Nerd Donuts. Brian Possein's Nerd Poker. Oh, whoa. And also fried sandwiches, which is like a donut with shit in the middle. When you introduce us, everybody say your favorites of each. We were talking about Porto's in the Valley.

Is it strictly Cuban or is it, what would you call that place? It's Cuban. It's Cuban owned. Yeah, yeah. It's fucking amazing. Cubano. Yeah, that's Ken. It's a bakery, but they have like sandwiches.

Ken's a longtime Valley resident, born and raised. You love the Valley, right? Don't you? I adore the Valley. I like parking my car, mostly. Yeah. So the Valley's perfect for that. It's pretty good for that.

Chris is here. Hi, Brian. I've lived in the Valley my entire life here in Los Angeles. I'm a huge fan of sweating my nuts off. Now, do you prefer good McDonald's or the shitty McDonald's by my house? Well, Brian, I have to say, if it means seeing you,

I'll pick the shitty McDonald's every time. Okay, cool. Dan is here. Now, Brian, I've briefly lived in the San Fernando Valley in North Hollywood, but mostly I've lived in Glendale and Pasadena, which I believe are considered the San Gabrielriel valleys so you know 626 rather than 818 right do you think you have a student line for portos before oh absolutely even as a vegetarian they have nothing but a world of delights blaine oh hi we're doing episode 90 of Nerd Poker But we're talking about portos

Cause uh I don't know cause it's fucking delicious Get there yeah I'm listening Believe me I'm listening Uh we go over there for special events And get cakes and such You ever had the Tres Leches

Uh No but if you hum a few bars Although Vallarta has a good T like jace the supermarkets are uh we usually get stuff reserved in there and then we because the lines are so long that we wouldn't know what to get so we just kind of go in with a mission and for a while during covid you could park in the lot and they would just put it in your car it was great yes that was i should just switch to that yes yeah that was good so it's not brought to you by portos i mean portos please everyone tweet at portos and tell i don't know if they have a twitter uh yeah i could go for some stuff for some stuff everything

there looks looks great and everything i've had from there is great formal introduction sarah did i get to you yet no hello it's me sarah me, Sarah. Sarah. Sarah's here. I'm here again. And she loves being here. I do. It made it sound like some sort of cube scenario. I was trying to sell Sarah on Porto's before the show started.

So that's so... I like Porto's. I've never found my one... I feel like everybody who loves Porto's has their one thing that they just... The mango bubble tart. For me, I get the Cubano, but then I also get croquettes and little rolls and little balls. They're croissants. All fucking delicious. The chicken one is insane.

The chicken one is insane. Sarah, this might sound weird, but the next time you go there, walk up to the counter and ask them if they have a child's toe. Okay. I really like it. I'm going to take you at your word and I'm going to do this, Chris, and I'm going to live stream it. And I look forward to seeing what happens to me and, as a result, to you. Whoa, wait a minute.

What? Delos de Ninos are actually delicious. Is that children's toes? Oh, to you. Sam. Whoa, wait a minute. What? Deidos de ninos are actually delicious. Is that children's toes? Oh my god. Yeah. Toes of the children? Which is my favorite Guillermo del Toro film also.

You killed my Guillermo del Toro riff, Blaine, but thanks. Oh, I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Guillermo del Toro riff, Blaine, but thanks. Oh, I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Guillermo del Toro. Speaking of Guillermo del Toro, a lot of people don't know this, but Ramen was actually created to be in the next Guillermo del Toro film by the Stan Winston Company. Is it a horror movie, though?

Well, have you seen, I mean, Guillermo's movies aren't straight horror films. They're all mixed with something else. Fantasy. Don't Guillermo explain to me. I know all about him. Guillermo is a character in What We Do in Shadow. I do this to him all the time because it makes me laugh

and he hates it, where I just go, Pan's Labyrinth! And he hates it. I just go Pan's labyrinth. And he hates it. I think it's so funny. Props to Sam. Did he just bark at you? Yeah, he hates it. Pan's labyrinth. Listeners, he's putting his paws, his front paws

in front of his eyes to look like a pale man. Are you getting a clip or what? Sam, cut the clip. Dogs know. a good dog knows that there's nothing fucking cuter than when they put their hands over their face. Benji should have taught all those

guys that shit in the 70s. And not to get too off topic, I too love pornos. Pornos. Pornos. Sam, what are you guys saying? Just a little... He's saying he waits in line for pornos pornos what are you guys saying Ron's saying he waits in line for pornos no

and you like all kind of pornos like me you gotta try the jerk chicken at the uh oh Blaine yeah it's and that's what I call a jerk we made it to episode 90 you guys.

This is what it's come to. We should thank some people and then kill us. Okay, I'm going to thank beautiful, lovely Patreon supporters who allow this podcast to keep going. Each and every one of you. Thank you. Thank you in particular, though. Wedgenold Boocheeks. of you. Thank you. Thank you in particular, though. Wedgin old boo cheeks. Thanks, Sean Eisenhammer.

Thanks, Sean Dixon. Thanks, Saganado. Yeah. Thank you, Alan the Michael, formerly known as Wofford. Thank you. Thanks, Michael. Thanks, Butt Ruckus. Thank you, Justin Time to Roll Initiative. That's Justin, J-U-S-T-E-N. Thank you, Jake Taus. Thank you, Justin Time to Roll Initiative.

That's Justin, J-U-S-T-E-N. Thank you, Jake Tawny. Thank you, Apeachykeen Keechypeen. Thank you, Jason Sprouse. Thank you, Fang the Tabaxi with One Fuzzy Nut. Thank you, Mandalorian Coffee Breath. Thank you, Terry's Ex-wife's restraining order thank you octopus octopus octopus slash caveman is a comic genius

i'm not what thank you big big fan nice guy thanks shoot and runner thanks professor physics thank you rando cardrisian thank you sean meredith thank you skylar brownman thank you eric Thank you, Rando Cardrissian. Thank you, Sean Meredith. Thank you, Skylar Browman. Thank you, Eric Ewald. Thank you, Jamie Swedler. Thank you, Trond. Thank you, Ms. Construzzi's, the bit that never fails to land.

Ms. Construzzi's, dear God, make this horror end. Thank you, Modeled Skeleton. Thank you, Dustin Peterson. Thank you, Paquito Torpedo. Thank you, Matthew Spears. Thank you, Todd Voss. Thank you, Giant Monst Skeleton. Thank you, Dustin Peterson. Thank you, Paquito Torpedo. Thank you, Matthew Spears. Thank you, Todd Voss. Thank you, Giant Monsters on the Horizon. Thank you, Jonathan Mott.

Thank you, Howie Mandalorian, Attorney at Law. The new series from Disney+. Thank you, Neil Wicker. Thank you, Pepperbert. Thank you, Beans Beans, the musical fruit. The more you eat, the more you toot. The more you toot, the better you feel. Beans Beans, the musical fruit. The more you eat, the more you toot. The more you toot, the better you feel. Beans Beans, for every meal.

And finally, thank you, to the window, to the walls, till the sweat drips from my balls. Stacey Keech Keech Keech Keech Keech Keech Motherfucker. Blaine, who are those Patreon supporters brought to us by? Blaine's leaving the room. Folks, he's standing up. He took off his headphones and he's standing up. He's off camera, I'm afraid. I think he just left.

I get lost! Try to jungle! Jungle, a great place to get lost dan wow that's my favorite favorite rainforest cafe commercial i've ever heard i want all these to be put into a book someday well you know uh ben the guy who runs the nerd poker quotes twitter account he right he has like a spreadsheet of all of these. God bless you. I feel like Blaine has to sing the Patreon supporter who their name was actually a rhyming Miss Construzzi's.

Blaine, I'm pasting this in the chat. Ooh, that's fun. Blaine, will you do me a solid and sing this Patreon name? Yes, of course. Like a jingle. Miss Construzzi's, the bit that never fails to land. Miss Construzzi's the bit that never fails to land Miss Construzzi's dear god make this horror end

preha nice hee hee ha ha where where are you tomorrow shit you leave me here all alone fire it's time to talk about what happened you too, Maro shit. You leave me here all alone.

Fire. It's time to talk about what happened. Last time? Last time at Porto's Bakery on Magnolia Boulevard, our heroes ordered a Cubano sandwich. So good. With mustard!

Yeah, so you guys are in the Temple of Bahamut. you're mid-combat with a vampire who's been summoning things and most recently you you killed the ravens you killed the belhaneth that was clinging to the ceiling slashing and biting at everyone and now the The festering, shambling body of Danny Yen is entering the room groaning. I'm not going to have him talk because he might do some very bad things. Let's see. What a horrible thing to do to him. Goldbar doesn't recognize him, but does Goldbar know that you guys know him?

Goldbar, this is the corpse that you guys know him? Golbar, this is the corpse that you were carrying earlier. Oh, right, right. That's okay. I do. Yeah, yeah. It moves now though. Okay. Oh dear. Oh, that ain't right. So yeah, that is coming in the room and

you see some black smoke rising from a point. Uh, I will draw here. Black smoke rising from a point. Yeah. Right here. Crazy shit happening in this. There is a black smoke rising. Uh, can you see that? I feel like everything's kind of wrapping up, you know? Crazy shit happening in this thing. There is black smoke rising.

Can you see that? I feel like everything's kind of wrapping up, you know? Where's Goldbar on this thing? Goldbar is the token. He's Woody Harrelson. He's Woody Harrelson from Cheers to the Southeast. I can't see that. Weird. He's directly below us. Iva I'm not seeing that. Weird.

He's directly below us. Yeah. Iva, you're up. I'm not seeing him. Oh, God. Lower up. So, okay. What is the plan?

Kenneth? Yes? Okay, so you just told me to kill the bunny. Nathan just told me to kill the bunny. Nathan just told me to kill the bunny. I think he said kill the wabbit. He's familiar with how polymorph works, so. Yeah, if you, yeah, that'd be Nathan's understanding. Is that like.

Yeah, I feel like that's a, I'm not going to take that risk. Ken, just for the record, you currently have one hit point. Oh, perfect. That's what I was hoping for. Okay. I mean, there's no way that this Danny that's coming in here is like a sentient being, right? Do an insight check. Nathan, please, if you would like to chime in, share, but I'll have her do an insight check for her own good.

Yeah, insight check away. I think Nathan would say, it's a flashback filled with demon monster smoke. Yeah, 22. Nathan would say, it's a flashback filled with demon monster smoke. Yeah, 22. This is definitely not your friend Danny. There's some ways to bring back a dead friend, and

this is not a good one. So I'm just gonna, I guess, go ahead and attack it. Okay. The act of murder. Yeah. I mean, it's already dead, so I don't think I can really. Oh, so I have to get closer, though. Let's see how close.

Hmm. Hmm. I'm shooting an arrow 80 feet for regular range. No, maybe I don't have to. Perhaps, you know. Nice. I don't. I'm gonna shoot at him with an arrow.

Cool, cool? CC. Actually, you know what I'm gonna do first? What? I'm gonna... Who's chuckling? I'm looking at the screen. Who's chuckling and why?

Because I'm delighted, keep going. Okay. As a bonus action, you can make an insight check against a creature you can see that isn't incapacitated, contested by the target's deception check. If I succeed, I can use my sneak attack. I'm really hungry, I told you. When all you can cupcakes is think about.

If I win, I get to use my sneak attack, so. And then you get another snack attack in that same round. I just started looking at sandwiches on the Porto's website, and it was a bad idea. I've never gotten a sandwich there. You know you can get frozen Porto's delivered to your home. I can't do this right now. Kenneth, I need to focus on shooting this undead shambling creature in eyeball with an arrow. Okay, so Dan, I'm making an insight check against his deception check.

Okay. What is your insight check? 15. And this is against, remind me why we're doing this again. I've started looking up those mango treats. Stop. So she can up those mango treats. Stop. So she can do a sneak attack. Insightful fighting is a bonus action where I can,

then you get a sneak attack even though I'm not. It wouldn't be something. I rolled a 20. A 20? Yeah. Does he have a negative to his deception? Because I feel like he would. Being a zombie?

Yeah. Zombies are kind of known for their subtlety and duplicitousness. Is that wisdom? Deception is a charisma based ability. That's a negative three, so he's a 17. So close.

Alright, well I'm just going to hit him with an arrow. Hopefully. Let's see if. Oh, so close. All right. Well, I'm just going to hit him with an arrow. Hopefully. Let's see if I do or don't. It's called a mango moose bomb. Oh, my God. That makes my hair look great. Mango moose bomb me, baby, in me. 19.

We roll. Yes. That's a hit. Nice hit. I mean, it's better than than nothing but it's not great i mean i need that sneak attack or else i really don't do a lot of damage um six points of damage all right yep funk an arrow

lands in his chest and the danny zombie briefly looks down and just goes like i'm doing my best up next is jelf jelf the shambling corpse of your friend danny has entered the room and iva plunks an arrow into his chest and uh does he seem to take any sort of notice to where the where the uh he's being shot from yeah for sure okay does he seem to be aware

like an aware zombie or is he just sort of shambling deadly i mean he he's moving like he's moving like he his legs aren't really broken he might be able to move pretty quick if he wants to okay i'm gonna put a couple of uh arrows in them all right so i'm i'm sorry sorry about this danny i don't mean to That is a 12 plus 9 That's a hit Yes And that second one was a mess 2 plus 9, 11

Never forget Is that an 11? Does an 11 hit him? No, it does not unfortunately Damn, what if it did? No, it does not, unfortunately. Damn, what if it did? Yeah, what if it did? Oh, wait, no, it does.

It does. He has an AC of 10. I thought it was 13. It's 10. Excuse me. Oh, okay. So let me see. Six and one is seven.

And seven and nine is 16. And 16 and seven is sixteen and sixteen and seven is twenty-four. Twenty-four points. Holy shit. Get him. Yeah, I mean, just he's barely I listened to it for you with my six.

Yeah, he's looking pretty rough now. I listened to skin. Up next is Tootie. Hi, Tootie. What would you like to do? My bunny. I will walk around the edges of the wall and sniffle. Oh.

Fun. Right. Okay. That sounds pretty great. Well, I mean, there are some things you could do. Like, you know, you didn't completely process it. Stop sending us Porto's things in the chat. I'm already having trouble focusing.

Trace Leche's cake is really... Now I got to go into the chat. I was just going to look up... He's sending links to delicious foodstuffs that we can neither eat, nor even should we be imagining at this moment in time. It's so good there's YouTube videos where they cut it open and you can see what it looks like. And they all turn out to be cakes.

This is my new combat strategy. I'll win these fights by posting delicious Porto's baked goods. I literally should have gotten a snack and you guys have. We always get the milk and berries is one that we get for birthdays and stuff. toasting delicious portos baked goods. I literally should have gotten a snack and you guys have. We always get the milk and berries is one that we get for birthdays and stuff. Yes, that was a birthday cake in our house. Actually, it's just really, really good. Tootie, that is going to be your turn

unless you're going to literally move. Yeah, right? I mean, yeah, I'm going to go join the other bunnies. Okay, you are getting pretty close to the other bunnies, so you can close that distance if you like. Up next will be the Vampyr. He's been a pretty

big dick so far, and he's not going to stop. Assuring that one bit. And where's the vampire invisible in the hallway? Yeah. What is the black smoke thing in the center of the room? It's actually beginning to

gather more and become a plume. Oh, plume you say? Mmm. In the hallway. And it gathers. Draw a little extra plumage. So now it looks kind of like... I drew all the way up to the ceiling.

It looks very scary. Up next, the vampire is going to I'm going to need a wisdom saving throw from Jelf you got this Blaine a wisdom saving

throw you say yes 17 explain. A wisdom saving throw, you say? Yes. Holy shit. 17. My wisdom is a 16. Yeah, I mean, you really, like, you kind of like, oh, god, what is, something got in my head. That is.

And you hear like a noise from the hallway. Didn't work. Didn't work. Didn't work. Sort of pictured him as, oh yeah, okay. And then we're going to do, I can hear my cat in the background. He's very, he's very invested in this fight

um you feel this uh entered this dark horrible energy start to wash over you um and you need your constitution saving throw jelf oh constitution saving uh come on baby you can buy jelf needs a new pair of elven shoes uh 10 plus 1 12 10 plus 111 sorry okay my constitution is 12 you feel as if all the moisture is being sucked out of your body and you're about to take some necrotic damage oh great can i can i roll to drink some smart water? Yes, but guess what? It does nothing.

In real life and in Dungeons & Dragons. Then I'm going to go into my Baltimore bag and drink some smart water. Okay, you take... Blaine, you take 32 points of necrotic damage. Jesus. Oh, no. Are you standing?

I am. That'll do it for this turn then. That's a nasty one. If it does take you out, that spell you, you you You you I'm glad to hear That it didn't happen to you Nathan you're up And what is your cat

Doing So he is I forget If I've told you he's an Egyptian So he's really He's a perching cat he Loves to ride around on me and Kaylin's shoulders. He was like, it looked like he was trying to stand up.

I know. He's like staring out the window. He'll get up on his hind legs. He's the strangest cat. I love him. He's very cute, but he honestly looks like he knows he's in frame and he's showing off. So yeah, he's, that's Duncan for you. He's a ham.

Nathan. Please excuse me. Cats are hams. Continue killing all of us and our characters. All right. Nathan is going to try something, and he looks at Cosby, and he says, Wish me luck.

And he'll kiss her on the cheek, and then go move his full movement 35 feet to one, two, three, four, five, six, seven. And getting up as far as he can, sort of charging up. Then I believe that puts him just into range of Goldbar. It does. And Nathan pulls out the carrot wand, aims it at Golbar and says um

what would he say? He would say like hopefully this will put you over the top and he casts enlarge on Golbar wow I love this spell so Golbar. What? Wow. I love this spell.

So Golbar's size doubles in all dimensions. Golbar? You got swole. Good question. Although I don't think it can impact what he's doing, but is Golbar still charmed by the vampire? No, he broke the... Okay, good.

He broke it. Hey, Brian. Yeah? You're getting real swole. Yeah. So basically turning him into a giant. So then when, I think the big thing is, like, in combat

Brian gets to deal an extra D4 of damage. Wow. That's the big thing. All right. Yeah, Sue. The big thing is him. Yeah, I'm going to expand your Woody Harrelson avatar to double its size. There's a giant

Woody in the room. Oh, I get it. Like the car with the wood on the sides, right? Yeah. So that affects his damage and what have you. And his ability to pick things up and smash them together.

Yeah, and his strength. And he's a big fucking giant. He's a giant goal bar who gets to go... He's a giant inactive. I would rather... Have you ever seen him in True West? Or I'm sorry, True Detective? God damn it.

Pre! I'd rather be a giant than a rabbit. Yeah. Would you, though, in real life? This is sort of like a goofy Pluto situation where some of the rabbits are sentient and then me, I'm just a rabbit. Right now, the audience is like,

wait, what are the rules? Why is that guy? All out the window. I just take my is like, wait, what are the rules? Why is that guy? All out the window. I just take my pants off probably like Donald Duck too. It does feel like there'd be a lot more vegetarians in D&D worlds. Like the more sentient animals that existed, the less likely it would be to eat the meat of other animals. Yeah, they do that in the Dragon Prince, the show I adapted.

Oh really? All the elves are vegetarian yeah it seems like i saw a pelican eat a pigeon on youtube pelicans oh man i'll eat a morning dove on my front lawn so you know they don't care i you ever see a pelican where they like they they move they turn their head upside down and like stick their neck through their chin. Yeah, they're fucking weird birds. It's upsetting, but I love a pelican. I love a pelican. Guys, call me a pelican because I just ate four turtles.

He just held up a sleeve of delicious chocolate turtles. He has been holding a container over a package of turtles, the candy, next to the screen, three years waiting for someone to mention so that he could do this it's crazy his commitment is incredible i know i'm just sitting here with my bag of trader joe's power berries waiting for my big pun moment i can't wait here it comes any day now let's go um all right enlarged so i've pulled up the effects of enlarge Brian for your turn as a double size goal bar will, will be up as soon as Caspia fires some crossbow action at Danny's shambling corpse.

She misses and hits. Hey, uh, one of them goes right into Danny's eyeball And the body just kind of goes On the ground Oh, sad That's good She turns to you, Nathan, and goes, what, did I not do it right?

Oh, yes, very good, just, you know, that was my friend Good work Oh, well I don't feel great about it, I remember him He was nice to me sometimes Ooh I give her a big thumbs up I don't feel great about it. I remember him. He was nice to me sometimes. Ooh. I give her a big thumbs up.

I think she did great. Oh, thank you. You did what my arrow couldn't. I salute you, ma'am. And then she said Danny was nice to her. I did not mean to damn with faint praise. I'm just a little busy thinking about whether I'm about to be murdered. Excuse me.

It pops. Oh, trouble in paradise. Listen, couples therapy is expensive. Great show. That's going to bring us to Gobar. Hey, Gobar. Brian. Yeah. It's your turn.

I'm doing this. Yeah, let's do it. Look at the map here. So you're swole. Remember that you are now a giant, my friend. I know. You're already seven feet tall. You are now 14 feet tall. Holy shit.

My magic's course through your veins. Bring in a little of that other guy. Who's the main villain in the room? Who's the main villain in the room? There's nothing right now. You know what? There's smoke. There's smoke. There's smoke, but also some stuff has been happening in the doorway. I know this isn't your forte.

You're fighting this guy? Hey, Danny. I'm sorry. Goldbar, will you please do an insight check? Okay. He's twice as large now, so he should be extra insightful. Gold bar, will you please do will you do an insight check? Okay. Well, I mean, his choice is large now, so he should be extra insightful. Well, maybe that's how it works.

Yeah, I'll start to double. He gets advantage on strength, though. I just got an 11. Dan, now, because he's enlarged, does he get to have that D4? Oh, wait a minute. How does that D4 work again? Just said there's a D4 with enlarged. The

attack deals one D4, but not an ability check. I know, but isn't his brain attacking the problem? Well, with it, Brian, with an 11, with an 11, Gobar is like kind of going like, where is everything? And you do

realize like you can't see the vampire, but he has just cast something on your friend Jelf. So you feel like he's probably near the door. Yeah. So there is that. All right. I'm going to get to my friend Jelf then okay do you want to

like what are you doing by going to Jelf cause like I was I'm gonna maybe I should be clear it seems like he has been unable to cross the threshold of the doorway the vampire so what I'm saying is what you're deducing is he seems to be like threshold of the doorway, the vampire. So what I'm saying is, what you're deducing is,

he seems to be, like, right in the doorway. And there's smoke in the middle of the room. Yeah, continue to avoid the vampire. You're gonna avoid him? I don't know. Yeah. You did just get swole. Kill him, Goldberg, kill him!

You can hurt him. Oh, I can? I think your friends want you to murder him. Yeah, stroll over and kill him. Okay. Then I will do that. From a distance. Yeah, pop on by after church and commit the act of murder.

I'm going to use the javelin, though. So, uh. Okay. A little distance. Nice. From a distance. Now, this is going to be with disadvantage because you're throwing for an invisible target,

just to be clear. Okay, so low. Okay. Damn it. Yeah, the first one didn't go. Okay. But I'm still mad I'm going to throw another one. Sure. And so I't go. Okay. But I'm still mad I'm going to throw another one. Sure.

And so I rolled twice. Yep. And take the little one. Yep. Again. Oh, fuck. First time I rolled a 23 and a 12. Second time I rolled a 27 and a 12.

Oh, fuck. Yeah, they both just sort of sail through the doorway. It was an inspired choice, but... Boo. Yes, I'm afraid you've used a lot of your 20s lately in bonus episodes. Fuck you, vampire. My javelin! The smoke in the middle of the room begins to coalesce

into a sort of black winged being. Um. That was my favorite Danzig song. It just it uh. Black winged being? It picks up princess

cospia oh uh first i'm gonna move the smoke instead of him and then that's gone uh did you do here

it looks like one of them fantasia dudes like a hippopotamus doing a ballerina trick it brings her up to its face and these black tendrils extend from its face and wrap them around

her head and you hear like a crunch what up next is Iva what the fuck daniel uh all right were they were they like eating doritos yeah there's so now there's about this 10 foot tall winged uh creature um with tentacles coming out of its mouth it's like jet black i don What the fuck? I don't like it at all. Okay, so I'm going to go ahead and I think that I can keep trying to do

insightful fighting because it's a bonus action. So I don't need to like charge it or anything. So I'm going to try. Oh, wait, no, I don't need to this time because he's crushing her to death in his arms. So that, oh no, if you're incapacitated, it doesn't count.

I'm sorry. I'm just going to talk out loud at you guys for the next 40 minutes. A lot of interlators going on. I do think that is helpful to listeners, so at least there's that. In a normal game of D&D, it would be like, Sarah, are you okay?

Oh my God, okay. So insightful fighting. So again, I'm going to do an insight check against his deception check. Or hers. A botch. Nice. Okay. I, on the other hand,

rolled. Doesn't matter, but I rolled an 18. Okay, so now that means I can use a sneak attack. So I'm going to let's see. Same damage on the bow and the sword, so I'm just going to go with the bow.

Okay. Oh no. What did you do? I want to ask you what I need to hit it because I want to know if I need a luck point or not. Arg. 15? It's a 15 to hit. Okay.

So then I'm gonna do um oh come on hmm yikes yes Sarah I'm adding it all together I'm just adding it all together

14 total alright thunk doesn't uh well actually that's not true I should roll 14 total. All right. Thunk. Doesn't, well, actually, that's not true. I should roll. Ooh. It drops Caspia.

Uh-huh. Bitch. Caspia goes thunk onto the floor. Okay. She's not moving. She's going to be fine, guys. I saved her and she's going to be fine. I heard her skull crunch. That's a good sign.

Could have been her arm bones. We don't know. Let's stay positive. Listen, everyone's seen extra crunchy arm bones. They sound just like skulls. Oops, all skulls. Dan, if we put you in a dark room and crush a bunch of bones, I don't think you're going to be able to orally determine

which bone was being crushed at what time. You don't know what I know. Especially if it's a hammer, anvil, and stirrup. I've seen things. I've heard things. You can't just use his voice when you want to sound scary. That's not fair. Yeah. I am looking at you right now. Turn around. Oh, God, I want to sound scary that's not fair yeah i am looking at you right now turn

around oh god i want to run so bad you turn around it's just your kid uh lost highway i know oh god that fucking movie um yeah is that your turn that's my turn and uh except that i'm gonna oh i already used my bonus action. So that's it. Oh, were you thinking of Mulholland Drive, by the way? Or is that in Lost Highway 2? Was I? No, Lost Highway is the one where he calls himself on the... He calls him on the phone.

He's like, I'm calling from... I'm thinking of the scary person behind a dumpster. Up next is Jelf. Hey, Jelf. You don't feel so hot. No, I don't. Do you know what i would like to do talk to me i can uh i can uh use a bonus action to regain 1d10 plus 7 hit points oh uh which is nice because i'm down considerably so So can I do that before I do anything else? What does that use on your sheet?

Is that an action? It's a second wind. It's a bonus action. Oh, then yeah, you can use that for your bonus action. Absolutely. Okay, cool. I'm just trying to track. Can I do that first?

Oh, great question. Let me double check that too. Which comes first, Google? Because I feel like I would, if I have to do something first, I'm going to try to move out a little bit so that I can fire a grasping arrow into the middle of the doorway

and have it grasp whatever it comes close to? I have great news. According to the player's handbook, a bonus action can occur whenever you want on your turn. Okay. If a bonus action has a triggering condition, that condition must occur before you take the bonus action. Okay. I'm going to do that first. Okay.

If that's okay. Yeah, of course, of course, of course. That's a 7 plus 7, 14 points. I'm going to do that first. That's okay. Yeah, of course, of course, of course. That's a seven plus seven, 14 points. I needed them. Add them back in. And I'm going to move out a little bit, like I said right here, and I'm going to fire an arrow right into the center of the doorway so it explodes on the other side of the doorway and starts grasping stuff.

Okay. Okay. of the doorway and starts grasping stuff okay it's a 18 plus uh 9 27 that's a hit roll your damage and the uh it's an explosion so i'm not making you roll disadvantage it's uh not the same if it hits something uh well here's the thing you're going for piercing too right you're so you why don't you roll the disadvantage um i'll say the explosion is going to hit no matter what but this is to actually have the arrow thunk in the invisible vampire okay and then it's a grasping arrow not a explosive got it got it excuse me okay so it's uh four plus four so eight yeah so it's not gonna hit him it's gonna hit the wall but the grasping uh what's the range on the grasping arrows a creature hit by the arrow takes

an extra blah blah poison damage its speed is reduced by 10 feet yeah you know what i'm gonna have to go if it doesn't it doesn't like if it hits the wall you don't get the grasping oh okay sorry if it was exploding i would have given it out like those like those snakes that you light in the driveway the rule is if it hits unfortunately okay uh oh oh next is uh bunny 2d 2 I mean, you really could go for some grass. Yeah, is there any around? That's a good question. Do a perception check.

I'll let you choose perception or investigation. Let's see. This is, by the way, negative four to this roll. Oh, perfect. Okay. Investigation. So that's an 11 minus four. That's seven.

So who cares? I mean, yeah, like you smell it. It smells like there's some chlorophyll stuck to the boots of some of your friends, but no, you don't see any grass. I will take two steps forward sniffle a bit chew twice and then step two two more steps forward i think i found that funnier than anyone else um up next is going to be the wamp here he can tell you guys are fucking with him. So he peers out at something perhaps... What is this asshole doing? Okay.

Okay. Uh, hey! Can I get a dexterity saving throw from Nathan and Goldbar. Dexterity saving throw. Yep. Ten. Alright. Goldbar, what you got? All right. Gold bar, what you got?

All right. So you're going to take full damage as an explosion of flame erupts from a space right between the two of you. It's a fireball. Okay. Being cast from the doorway. And you're each going to take 27 points of fire damage. Oh, scorched. Oh, man.

Up next is gonna be Nathan alright I will sort of I will yell to Gobar like I'll light him up and you give him a good crack of a noggin and I will retaliate

back at the vampire and cast a fireball again just sort of just inside the mouth of the uh hallway so that it singes the vampire but hopefully not jelf

got it um that is totally doable I believe 14 Singes the vampire, but hopefully not gel. Got it. That is totally doable. I believe 14 saving decks. Save, I believe. Yep. Decks 14, 16. 12 plus 4. So you'll take half of... 32.

So 16. Okay. That's pretty good. It is. And after the explosion, you see all of a sudden this this vampire in golden armor kind of like goes and like drops to a knee. Good visibly for the first time in a while. Oh, really?

Yeah. It is Princess Cosby's turn. She doesn't move. next is gold bar you're up all right um uh is he in the same spot and i'm in the same spot yep all right i'll use a javelin again. Great. Disadvantage. Or no, no, not. He's visible. Yeah, you can see him. We can see him now. You can put your axe

in his fucking head if you want. Okay, so how close is he? He is 30-ish feet away. Yeah, 35 feet away. Whoa, Dan, your mic just really changed. Oh, hello, hello.

There you go. That's good. Better. I just leaned away from it. Maybe that's what it was. Oh, sorry. Oh, nice. 19 plus 7, 26.

It's a gem. That's a hit. Roll your damage. Eight. Okay, uh one of them goes thunk. Uh, it's it sticks in him and he's trying to grab and uh, yank it out. He kind of goes And like drops it on the floor. Okay, uh roll that second one.

Mm-hmm. Maybe 10 plus 7. That is a hit. Nice. Nice. What is his threshold there?

Need a 16. Cool. Alright, a 10. 6 plus 4. Another one just takes a big chunk out of his shoulders like a spray of blood on the wall. Good.

Whose blood is that? Do you remember? I remember everyone who I've drunk from. Hmm. It was more rhetorical. I thought your big brain could handle the information.

I mean, I don't really care what you think, Spath. Rude! That's going to bring us to the demon-like creature. It starts walking towards Iva and takes a swing at her. My wife and I were watching you from across the bar. Gross. I get what that was. 13 to hit. Like your style.

That is not a hit. And a 17 to hit. That one is a hit. Alright, picks you up. Wait. He's picking me. I feel like him picking me up, I get to do something.

I get a dex or something? You can do an uncanny dodge. Well, yeah, that's what I'm asking, because the uncanny dodge allows me, all it does is allow me to take away some of the damage, but I have another feat that's evasion oh a deck saving throw so i guess i'm just wondering if they're i would think that like you know but i but you tell me i don't i don't actually know if that's part of the attack if him picking me up as part of the attack

or whatever if a successful attack includes him picking me up then i guess it is what it is. It is. By the way, I have to take a second. My cat just caught a moth. It was amazing. Oh, give it a medal. Good job. My cat, Isabel, brought us a luna moth that she caught one night. She was very proud.

Very proud. It's amazing stuff. He cleans the house of crickets. We used to get crickets in the house all the time. Now he just, around 8 o'clock, goes to the door and stares under the door and sometimes he'll just grab one and just devour it. It's kind of amazing.

Brian, you do that sometimes. Great way to spend a Friday night. Where were we in the turnover before my cat took over my entire attention span? I was asking about whether I get a dex save or anything on the guy picking me up. Yeah, how does that work again?

The evasion? Well, it's just I get that quality on a dex save, but if the attack doesn't, if he gets to just attack me and then that includes him picking me up as part of the attack, then I just have to... You make a dex save now, so make a dex save, but if the attack doesn't, if he gets to just attack me, and then that includes him picking me up as part of the attack, then I just have to- You make a dex save now, so make a dex save. That's what I meant, yeah.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. He gets two swings to grab you, and then if he does grab you, you have to make a dex save, because something else is happening that you saw happen to Caspia. I'm going to use a luck point on that one. Helped.

It did not. It made it worse. No, I got an eight. Okay. You guys all see this demon lift iva up wrap its mouth sorry i got a 12 i didn't sorry i don't know if 12 helps either but i forgot it says i can spend it i choose which die to use oh uh 12 is unfortunate enough you need a okay you see it please continue no i understand this is not going to

be fun uh you want to make sure everything has been communicated um yeah this this demon lifts up iva wraps its mouth tendrils around her head and iva you take 35 points of bludgeoning damage. And you all hear a crunch. Like a Heath Bar kind of a crunch? More like a stalk of celery being broken in half. And definitely deeply unconscious. And cool, D&D Beyond gives me a little person with two Xs over their eyes. And my now death, fails, in success ranking, so we'll

see. And it drops you on the ground. At least it dropped me, guys. Again, we gotta stay positive. Iva, it's your turn. Let's do a death saving throw. Oh, wonderful. Weird, it won't let me just roll

all my death saves. I guess I gotta just roll it natural. Okay. That is a failure. One fail. Okay, that's one fail. Up next, Jelf. Have I been able to see the vampire in the doorway yet? fail up next jelf have i

been able to see the vampire in the doorway yet yeah he he was made visible i gotta drop it i gotta fix his token so um i forgot to make it visible he is in the doorway trying to cast spells

and such on you. Okay. In golden armor, right, Dan? Yep. That's flashy, the golden armor. I'm going to do a new thing that I have. I'm going to do a misty step. And I'm going to misty misty step and I'm going to

misty step behind him and backstab him nice alright roll to attack Sam just tried to paste the dropbox link for us to upload our quick time files and instead he posted an Instagram photo link to a kitty cat pressing his paws up

against a person hand. Aww. I got a 17 plus 7. 24. That's a hit. What would you like to say, Sarah? I was just gonna say an accidental cut and paste of a link. That could have been real bad. Sam really loved that. I feel like his clipboard

has had some fun things in it Sam silently grinning uh five plus four so nine do I get a bonus for backstabbing um that's mostly a rogue thing I'm looking that up.

I'm pretty sure you're just trying to evoke a beautiful thing from second edition. But when you attack... I would also like to, after I do this, I would like to uh run past him into the room he would get an attack of opportunity if you did that run past him into what room back into the room he went he just he just misty stepped behind him yeah i wanted to i wanted to sort of like maybe just jump back it's totally rogue thing yeah you don't get bonus I mean, you can go farther back down the hallway, but Yeah, I want to do that. I just want to get, just

jump back. Okay. I'm going to just kind of put you next to him on the map since you guys are just sort of heading down the hallway together. Tootie, you're a rabbit. Yeah.

I'm going to rabbit it up this turn. Okay.ie, you're a rabbit. Yeah. I'm going to rabbit it up this turn. Okay. Oh, you know what? I'm surprised no one's tried to kill you yet. Tootie, I was coming to pick you up and I was going to pray to Bahamut. That's what I was going to say. I was just going to say, do I have any inkling of Bahamut as a rabbit? Yeah. You can do a religion check. Well, I would like

to. I hope this works because this was I was like, I'm going to talk to this man. This is such an ugly fight. So, a religion check. Well, I would like to. I hope this works because this was I was like, I'm going to talk to this man. This is such an ugly fight. So, a religion check is intelligence. It is minus four. Oh, because I'm a rabbit. So that's a 21.

Oh, shit, bro! Minus four. Tootie, you just, you take your little bunny paws, press them together, try to recall the memory of something large and shiny and platinum. And this giant lizard appears in your mind for a second and says, what would you have of me?

Small rabbit. Give me back my strength. You're not a rabbit. I am not. I'm 2d true. And though who has done this to you, 2d true. And though the vampire in the doorway, heti Truando. Uh, the vampire in the doorway?

He's a dick. I can turn you to your form, but unfortunately you will not be awake when I do it. Okay. Let's

try that. You feel very, very calm all of of a sudden and you drift off to sleep uh you guys all see the rabbit transform back into tootie but he lays on the ground unconscious making memes going and that'll do it for this episode of nerd poker we have uh cospia making death saving throws we have an iva doing death saving throws we have a sleepy tootie and a swole goal bar hey sam what do you think happened on this episode all right episode 90 much like ron argent in the uk in 1960 we are hanging out with zombies that joke is just for Blaine oh yeah it sure was we're helping we're helping our dead friend with arrows

and he's hugging us with necrotic damage we doubled Golbar which doubles my love for him we're piercing we're grasping we're getting fireballed we're talking trash we're being picked up and then Tootie called up a giant lizard who put him to sleep and turned him into a little sleepy guy yeah that all checks out uh good job dan um here on 90 anything you

want to plug buddy what a cliffhanger i disaster i'm hoping i'm booking all this stand-up right now i hope it happens so please do follow me on Twitter and Instagram. I'll be posting dates there with, with, with great hope. Right now I'm lining up Portland, Seattle and Chicago, which I've hinted at before,

but yeah, yeah, yeah. Hopefully everything will stay nice and healthy. That's it. Yeah, me too. Same shit books.

And then I've got a stand upup Austin coming up, but before that, I've got Springfield, Missouri, and Missouri, maybe? Is that what they like? Missouri. I don't know. Missouri. Missouri! You're from out in that area, aren't you, Sam? Yeah, Wisconsin. Oh, right. It's all one big chunk in the middle. Yeah, Wisconsin. Oh, right. It's all one big chunk

in the middle. Yeah, yeah. Anyways, those... If there's a Piggly Wiggly there, it's one state. I hope there is. Blaine? Oh, uh, nothing on the books this week. Week off, Stacy's just

going to be doing some stuff around the house and I'm going to be just over there opening up, doing some sets. Sets at his house. For who? For me, probably. Really, when you think about it. Maybe just me.

So, Blaine, you'll do 15 and then he'll vacuum? Yeah, I hope. Sometimes he vacuums while I'm doing my set. I'm like, dude. It's like he's making like blended drinks. Like, come on. That's my whole life.

I hear you. Well, once again, we appreciate your ears. Thanks for listening to another episode of Nerd Poker. You can follow us at patreon.com slash nerdpoker and you get bonus episodes from there. And you can also send us anything at P.O. Box

16069 Encino, California 91416. Thanks for listening.