Nerd Poker - S4E91 Demon Death

Episode Date: June 7, 2022

The vampire who has cornered the cuties seems to have summoned his greatest monster, a shadowy demon that now sucks life from the cuties one by one. Also this is a morning recording on a Monday, enjoy the odd change in tone! We're more awake and yet somehow more weary at the same time.

Hey everybody, I'm Brian Pussain, Comedian, writer, actor, nerd. I've been playing D&D with my friends for a long time. I decided to do a new podcast where we play Dungeons & Dragons in my very own dining room. With my wife, kid, and my noisy dogs. So meet my friends Sarah, Kev, Dan, Lee, Chris. Now it's time for another episode of Brian Possehn's Nerd Poker. Season 4. Hey, everybody.

I'm Brian Possehn. You're listening to Brian Possehn's Nerd Poker. It's episode 91. We're doing it in the morning. It's weird. I'm looking at my friends at like 930 or whatever it is. And it feels strange. Feels like we're at an office we don't want to be at. Hey, guys.

Chris, good morning. Good morning, Brian. I hope you enjoyed your complimentary quesadilla machine in the lobby. Make yourself a breakfast quesadilla. God, I wish. That would be awesome. Blaine's here. Great to be here

in the morning, Brian. Love to see you guys. We're having a great time. Everybody's traveling. It's looking great. It's a beautiful day out there. I'm going to get ready and I'll lay down some trash

for you. Great to see you guys in the morning. Blaine in the morning, everybody. I forgot to tell everybody that Blaine is a morning DJ. But if you know Blaine, you already know that.

I am what I play! And he's here. And he brought his beard. Just barely. How's it going, friend? I woke up. Good. Sarah's here. Hi, I'm here.

I sound maybe sleepy, but it's actually just because I'm sick. You've been up for five hours. I have small children, small-ish children, so I've been up for many hours, yes. But I also sound very craggly due to not that. But also not due to COVID yet. Some other sickness. Hello, everyone. Good morning.

Everybody wake up. Ding, dong, ding, dong, Ring, ring. What the fuck? I don't know. I'm trying to forget. I'm trying to forget. Everybody looks so miserable. It's unreal. Dan's here. Good morning. It doesn't say Dan

though. It says it is too early. Good morning, Mr. Posehn, and welcome to the Dunkin' Donuts in Burbank on Glen Oaks and Olive. Is that where you just got your breakfast? Yes, if you would like a free Boston cream, we just dropped a tray of them on the floor, and we're just going to feed them to the raccoons anyway. You guys got raccoons out in Burbank?

Yep. Wow. We also got coyotes and some kind of cock pea, peacock pea hen. There's large chickens with frightening tail feathers out here in Burbank.

Dunkin Donuts parking lot. The story of the L.A. coyote is a sad tale, and I don't think America knows how sad it is about our coyote uh thing i don't think people that don't live in la know how fucked up it is yeah like i i live in glendale right and they just run down the street in packs yeah they look at you they look at you while they do it it's fucking weird everyone, everyone. And they eat your pets. Yeah, they will murder your pets.

I actually laughed at a woman once because her dog was missing in my neighborhood and I caught myself. But I was with Melanie and she goes, hey, it was like eight in the morning and she's like,

have you seen my little dog? And I'm like, oh no. No, no, no. Check the coyote poop. Yeah, yeah. You know, there's no chance that little dog? And I'm like, Oh no, no, no, no. Check the coyote poop. Yeah. Yeah. You know,

there's no chance that little dog is alive. A telephone pole with a lost dog, a poster on it is like an Instagram of a coyote's breakfast. Yeah. I've, I've seen them. They, but they jumped my fence too.

They fucking, yeah, they can jump a six foot fence, which is terrible. This is funny too. We were, we were going for a walk the other day and there is a sign that someone taped to a telephone pole right by us that says don't let your pets out at night the coyotes are here it's coyote season so there's there's actually not lost pet signs there are coyotes are murdering cats already it's been coyote season for 35 years though. Well, yeah.

And also just the dystopia that we live in there. They wait for kitten season and just descend from the hills, you know, we can just peer on the perimeter of our yard. I've recorded them. Who does their murder? Their murder. It's really terrifying. Horrible. Yeah.

You can hear in my hill, you know, the hills I live in, you'll hear them up, they'll get whatever they're going after, and then they're yelling at each other. It's like hyenas. You hear them getting murdered. I think the thing that people might not realize

is that when we're talking about these neighborhoods, they're like, you watch a coyote walk past a 7-Eleven. It's not like, yeah, it's not like we're living in like rural. I mean, some people, some of us may live in slightly more, you know, like up in the hills or whatever. But yeah, I'm on a barley farm. Right. Literally watching the coyote like just trot past the liquor store.

It's not 60 seconds. You'll see like 70 SUVs drive by at 70 miles an hour and then mixed in just a pack of coyotes we'll run across. It's nothing. A hawk killed another bird. I think it was the morning dove who was on my roof, which is a bummer, but I got another bird head in my backyard. Again, in the middle of the big city. Yeah.

And rats come to my house to commit suicide in my pool. They love the pool. Yeah. And the toilet. Who doesn't? Let's get in. 91. We should thank some people for all 91 episodes we've done.

Yeah. You know, we would all show up to talk about death, destruction, and dystopia for free. But luckily, we have Patreon supporters who make these morning treats possible. And they go by usernames like Nathan Plunkett. Thank you, Nathan Plunkett. Thank you.unkett. Thank you, Nathan Plunkett. Thank you. Thank you, Nathan. Thank you.

Is it Don Quiballes? Don Q-Balls? I'm not sure. Thank you, Joshua. Q-Balls. Thank you, Joshua Stone. Thank you, Matt Carter. Thank you, Craig Willis.

Thank you, Sean Trill. Thank you, Cherry Winter. Thank you, Jack Burton. Hey, Kraskum. Thanks. Hey, Craig Willis. Thank you, Sean Trill. Thank you, Cherry Winter. Thank you, Jack Burton. Hey, Kraskum. Thanks. Hey, Doc Roxo. Thank you. Eric Skor.

Thanks. Thank you, Amanda Kolakowski. I can't pronounce names that are longer than one syllable. Sorry, you're out of luck, folks. Thank you, Wade Long. Thank you, Jaegernot. Nice. Thank you, Dr. Wieners, as always. Thank you, Poochieplex. Thank you, Cl not nice thank you dr. Wieners as always thank you poochie

plex thank you clams they're no gooey duck but I'll take it thank you Dave picota thank you thank you Joe Anderson thank you James Dewar thanks Amanda bitches Gian thank you Friday the 15, which is Friday the 13th, with two fingers up your ass. You're kidding. I couldn't believe that last part.

Thank you, the rest of Skeletor. I felt left out. Thank you, Tom Giacinto. I'm hoping that's what it is. Thank you, Fint the Druid. Thank you, Matt Worley. Thank you, Sean George. Thank you, Kaya the Wonder Pood worley thank you sean george thank you kaya the wonder poodle thank you limp llama thank you iva's masks unlimited unlimited masks

thank you rob i am thank you chris sullens thank you fart cannon is online oh thank you yeah wait did i just say one i blacked out for a second uh thank you trevin ant, thank you. Yeah. Wait, did I just say one? I blacked out for a second. Uh, thank you. Trevin Antrim. Thank you. Jacob Campos. Thank you.

Truncated. I saw Sahedrin. Well, I can't believe you made me pronounce that before 10 in the morning. And finally, thank you. With no spaces. Blaine Kapach is a goddamn national treasure.

Oh, true. Blaine Kapach is a goddamn national treasure. Oh. True. Blaine Kapach, could you please live up to that statement and let us know who were these Patreon supporters brought to us by? I'd love to, Dan. Our Patreon supporters are brought to us by... Balotoid Bad Breath Mints. Gets your breath its worst.

Pabst and cigarettes. Italian sub. Vomit. Sbarro. Fish and vomit. Baltoids, the curiously shitty breath mint. Dan? Thank you, Blaine.

Well, I believe it's time to get into... What happened last time on NerdPoker? The Castaway Cuties are locked in combat with the vampire known as Lord Amalegda, as well as the beasts he is summoning into the temple they've been backed into. Jelf has decided, fuck it!

And he has misty-stepped behind the Wampir into the hallway and started stabbing him in the back. Meanwhile, I believe at least two of the castaway cuties are currently incapacitated, and I am going to take you to them already in progress. So I have in my notes that Caspia is next in the turn order.

I believe that is true, but can we do a quick check around? Who is knocked out? I am unconscious. I'm doing death saves. I've failed one so far. Okay. It says I'm charmed, but I don't remember that. You, it says, are asleep.

Oh, there you go. Charming. You've been restored back to 2D from being a bunny, but you didn't wake up. Oh, right, right. Sweet. Correct. Perfect. Also, I'm re-looking at my notes.

Cospia's not next. Tootie just had his turn go. And so I believe that's going to take us to Lord on the Legda next. But yeah, at least you're not a bunny anymore, man. All right. So Lord Amalegda is kind of like knocked on his ass right now because of that backstab.

And he is going to look out into the room and cast a spell he presses two fingers to the side of his head let's see oh I got a bunch of texts while we were starting up that I didn't read that's fun anyway checking the dice app and Cosby is gonna do a saving throw. All right. Caspia is now on the floor convulsing and That's good. It's a great game.

Jelf, what's your what's your armor thing called? The armor class, excuse me. My armor initiative defense inspiration bonus is uh anti-faco is a plus x no i have uh it's a 15 thank you so he rolled a 16 is that good um i've never understood it it's always like bowling scores to me yeah you gotta you gotta reach armor class you gotta hit the number or higher

me yeah you gotta you gotta reach armor class you gotta hit the number or higher so if he had one enough um so lord on the leg to like you knocked him onto his knees he's like looking out at everybody he casts some kind of spell on cospia and then he looks over his shoulder and backhands you with these claws extended from his hand and you will take six points of slashing damage. Okay. Up next is going to be Nathan. Dan, I have a question about 2D being unconscious. Is it the kind of thing where like I could slap him awake? Like that kind of a deal? Like, does he have hit points? He's just unconscious or does he, is he at zero? you got there i'm just sleeping i have plenty of points yeah

okay so you're not uh do an insight check wake me up before you go go all right inside uh no bonus to this dana rolled a natural one yeah you're not too sure. You feel like you could try? Could be fun. Yeah. I will just, I will run over to Tootie. Well, shit. He is nearby, and also, I will say he is on the floor,

asleep in front of what looks like some sort of shadowy tentacle-mouthed being with large bat wings extending out from itself. And it just dropped Iva's unconscious body on the floor. Okay. I'm going to. And you're like right now,

15 feet away from that, but 2D is about five feet away. Yeah. I'm going to run to here. So I'm north. Yeah. I'm going to run to here. So I'm north. Yeah, I'm running north. So I'm now next to Tootie.

Actually, I'm going to put myself between Tootie and Iva. So the three of us are in like a little sort of... Still not within striking range of this thing. Yeah, I'm trying to stay out of range of Johnny Wings. of Johnny Wings. I'm going to stick the pebble of healing into

Iva's mouth. Wow. Okay, why don't you roll the healing on that? Yeah, I'm looking it up. There it is. Healing pebble. It allows, it acts as though healing word.

So let me see what I think. I think it's just like a D four plus something. Let's see. Yeah. It is one D four plus your spellcasting ability modifier. Great. Okay. So my spellcasting ability is plus three. So I'm going to roll D four and add three.

So when I do that, she gets back 4 plus 3, 7 hit points. Nice. Okay. Iva, you wake up. Yay. And then I'm going to turn. I don't know how much more I can do, Dan, but my intention is to try and sort of kick 2D and try and wake him up.

Yeah. intentions to try and sort of kick Tootie and try and wake him up. Um, yeah, I'm gonna have you do a roll. Yeah, like, it's, it's, um, I'll let you do it as a non-action because you're just, I'll say you're doing it gently. You're not, like, picking him up and shaking him. Yeah. Um, I'm just looking at what our options

kind of are here. Maybe I'll rub my, like, my cottontail fanny in his face a little bit, try and wake him up. Like, tickle his nose with my tail. Our UK fans are real glad you used the word fanny for what you're using. You keep doing it, too. You keep doing it. I know, over and over. I will have you do a medicine check with disadvantage.

Copy. All right, medicine, I don't have any bonus. So, disadvantage. medicine check with disadvantage copy all right medicine i don't have any bonus or disadvantage uh and this disadvantage is specifically because you're not really even using an action to do it you're just you're just kind of poking him just a five all right yeah i mean uh to kind of goes like like wiggles on the floor and uh but yeah what's what's a little unfortunate is you're kind of backed up against a wall right now. Yep.

And this thing just dropped Iva. And although it is not within striking range of you, it's like five feet away. And Iva's on the floor like right in front of it still. Yeah. It's precarious. I just want to make sure the audience knows what you may have already noticed. That's going to bring us around to Caspia, who's going to do a saving throw.

Don't mind the weird grunting noises in the background. That is my dog and cat wrestling. And right now, almost knocking a lamp over. That is going to be a nine. Okay, yeah, she goes still. Up next is Golbar.

What's going on over there, Golbar? How's your coffee? Good. Hey, what level am I running here? I think it's the eighth level, Golbar. It sure is. Yeah, okay. That's what I thought.

level gold bar. It sure is. Yeah, okay. That's what I thought. I'm gonna swing my battle axe at somebody that needs it. Okay, well right now you are Gigantord. Nathan cast enlarge on you. Oh yeah.

So you can walk in either direction as represented by the Woody Harrelson token. You can go north up towards the little issue with the winged specter tentacle mouth Cthulhu thing

that's 15 feet tall, or you can go towards the doorway where Jelf is currently locked in combat with Amalegda. Jentia Amalegda. Jelthia Amalegda. This is probably bigger now too. I'll go up. Okay.

I can walk further I would imagine. Well, and that's why I'm pulling it up right now. So you're... Any... You're doubled in all dimensions. Your weight is also multiplied by eight. Shit on him.

Hey, whoa. You have advantage on strength checks and strength saving throws. Your weapons are also grown, and they deal an extra 1d4. It does not say you gain. I think because you're so much heavier, you don't gain any movement. You kind of are like... Like you're on Jupiter.

It's harder to lift your legs, so to speak, and so it evens out. Okay. But yeah, you can head up. That is... going to be I think 35, 25.

It says you're about 35 feet away. I'm just trying to find Goldbar. See what Goldbar's movement is. I don't think you have put Goldbar in the D&D. What's your movement, Goldbar? It should be at the top of your thing. Yeah. What's your movement, Goldbar? It should be at the top of your thing.

Yeah, what's your movement, sir? Top of the first page. I have a bunch of open pages. Right under your picture. On the app, anyway. Oh, movement? Yeah, walking. I don't see.

It should be like 25 feet, 35 feet, something like that. Under the... At the very top? It is on the app. I'm not sure if it is. Yeah, on the sheet, it usually says walking speed. It'll be next to your proficiency bonus

between your attributes and your hit point. Initiative. Oh, okay. Walking speed is 40 feet. Oh, shit. I do think barbarians get bonuses to movement. Nice. Head on up to that thing and take a swing.

Hit his fanny. With your fanny. People are going to be writing a lot of fanny fiction from this. Scissors. The fanny meets a fanny. 18, sir. That's a hit.

That's a hit. Roll your damage. Nice. Kill, kill, kill, kill, kill. 12. Wow. Okay. Wow. Okay, yeah. You slash through this thing for twelve points of damage. You are raging, correct?

Yes. Then I guess you can swing again. Nice. Twenty-three. Oh, that's very much a hit. Please roll your damage. Kill, kill, kill. Thank you.

Did everybody hear that incidental music? Eight. All right. So this thing has now been hit a few times, and you have its full attention. Its arm was still kind of like hanging over Iva's body, and it turns its eyeless face towards you, Gobar. Ew. Yeah.

Anything you want to do with a bonus action, sir, or are you done? Fart at him. Flurry of bows. I don't think you can do flurry of bows. Okay, that was a different guy, yeah. That was Danny. I have unarmed strike, though.

Can you use it as a bonus action? Is it under the bonus action category? That's a good fucking question. Because that also sounds like a monk move specifically. Actions in combat I have, or bonus actions I have, two-weapon fighting, frenzy attack, rage. I guess not. Yeah, you can startapon fighting frenzy attack rage. I guess not. Yeah.

You can start raging or frenzying. But, yep. Wouldn't a fist be considered another weapon at this size? No. Sorry. Defense rest. Now, Dan, there's a pigeon flying overhead. That counts as a bonus action because it's like a

bonus pigeon right no um i just graduated from liberty university i'm sorry oh it's quite all right i'm i'm uh i'm also just mildly distracted by the fact that there is a cat and a dog fighting next to me but now they've taken a break to clean themselves um but what's funny is they're doing it like right next to each other I don't know if I can Don't show us Dan we don't want to see this Go my god I'm glad my kids Not hear it They were at each other's throats

A second ago but now they're just like You know what They're licking their wounds Time for a self licking truce Up next is going to be the demon Golbar and he's coming for y'all. Boom. Okay, that is going to be a 19 to hit, sir.

And that is a hit, yeah? Golbar doesn't have like a 20 AC or something? He doesn't want to say. I wouldn't either. Brian, you're muted, and I don't know if you can hear me. He's nodding. Okay. Okay.

So this thing leans over to you, and you guys see this thing grab Golbar's head with its fingers and pull Golbar to its face. No. Um. Oh. Okay.

What the? I don't like that sound. That's gonna be um 16 points of psychic damage for Gulvar. Jesus. And you are grappled at the moment.

However, you... Boo. Agreed. You are in a position where you can do a strength check to break free. So things are looking in your favor for when you have to do that. Or can do that, I should think.

Iva, death saving throw is not necessary. What would you like to do? So is Caspia completely dead because she was down and then she took additional damage? No. Okay. Is Caspia completely dead because she was down and then she took additional damage? Um, no. Okay. Although you would know for sure. Look, I'm going to try to, I guess I'm just going to try to stabilize her. Yeah.

Okay. So that's what I'm going to try to do. Okay. So you're going to run around this thing? Yeah, because I feel like one more and she's gone. You're not wrong. So I'm gonna have you, your token, kind of like stay within

five feet of this thing, running around to Caspia. Okay. And do a medicine check, please. Eleven. She's breathing. You managed to patch her wounds up a little bit, uh she seems very weak you're not 100 sure if you stabilized her um okay uh then all i can do now then i guess is i'm gonna

use my um bonus action to i'm right i'm trying i'm roll 20 is giving me a hard time so I'm just trying to um see where I am but I'd like to use my bonus action to um leave to leave to leave the the disengage yeah uh or hide actually that's what I was going to try to do but I don't know if that's even possible there is as you see if you're on roll 20 uh a pew that is knocked over right next to this thing. You've used about, let's see, 20 action, 20 feet of action. How many do you have left? I have five more feet of action. Yeah, you can get behind this pew and hide. Okay, I'm going to use my right now to hide just to like regroup here

i've got seven hit points so i'm all right so i'm moving you up there i'm moving your token because thank you i'm trying to get there that's fine and i know i know uh it can be an issue where sometimes being enrolled 20 will reduce your video bandwidth no worries up next is gonna be jelf so this vampire that you've met a few times now and now he's at his shittiest is turned around you you misty stepped behind him to backstab him and uh you did he now raked claws across you uh and he's he's on one knee like looking over at you with glowing red eyes and yeah he's wearing golden armor and holding a scepter and he looks pissed okay well i'm going to attack him oh and, uh, uh, with my cooking. Oh.

I have, I can do, uh, well, I have two attacks. I have an extra attack. So I have two attacks. And then I have a action surge where I can take an additional action. Does that mean I can do three attacks? It sure does. Okay. I'm doing, you are, you're attacking with your short sword or your dagger, right?

A short sword. Wouldn't it be four? Because he's taking the attack action again. And when you take the attack action, you get two attacks. Isn't that right? Action surge. You can take one additional action on your turn. And yeah, you do do do do do do attacks per action two that is four attack thank you yeah sure wow i i i can't believe i missed

that and i can believe i missed that i appreciate you spotting me on that one uh So the first one is a 12 plus 7 is a 19. Is that a hit? It's definitely a hit. 1d6 so 5 plus 4 that's 9. That's 1. Second is a 9 plus 7. Is that a 16?

Is that a hit? That is a hit, yes. Ooh. And five plus four is nine. Nine more. A third attack. Oh my goodness. A third attack is a three plus a seven is a ten. I'm not

thinking that's probably. That's a miss, unfortunately. And here's the last one. 19 plus seven, 26. probably not a hit. That's a miss, unfortunately. And here's the last one. 19 plus 7, 26. That's a hit. Totals. And that's 2 plus 4, 6. Nice. Hey.

Yeah, you just start hacking into him. And he's just, like, locked in eye contact with you the whole time. So you're, like, getting... You're stabbing into his armor. Like you're getting, you're getting all the little creases in his armor where you can pierce through and some spurts of blood shoot out of his armor. But the whole time he's just sneering at you. Good.

Good sign. Uh huh. So he is going to use one of his legendary actions right now. Oh, you mean like some sort of like an up-close magic thing? Oh, you know how it is. Vampires and their toys. Okay, so...

And now they're all your card. Okay. This is going to be... Okay. This is going to be... Terrible. Terrible. What is your to hit? My to hit? Your armor class. My, what is your to hit? My, my to hit?

Your armor class. My armor class is 15. Okay. Um, you, you feel, uh, something tugging at your leg. Do a perception check. Perception check. Uh, seven plus six, 13. Okay. Reception check. Uh, 7 plus 6, 13. Okay, um, you're not sure what it is, but you see it from the other side, like, inside the room.

Something is reaching past Lord Amalegda, past his, uh, his legs where he sort of crouched, and it's pulling on your leg, trying to yank you to the ground. Okay. And that'll be... Is it his wiener? No, but it's like some sort of arm that is not connected to Lord Amalegda

from something that... It's almost like it's on the ground on the other side of him. Behind him. Weird. And that's going to bring us around to Tootie.

I will sleep. Cool. Do a wisdom saving throw while you're down there. Awesome. That is a 13. Oh, okay. That is a 13. Oh, okay.

So you blink awake and you hear that like, rights of spring, like a little cartoon bluebird flies by. Everything's beautiful again. That'll be your turn now, unfortunately. That is end of turn business. Beautiful. Up next is going to be Lord Amalegda. Oh. No, unfortunately. That is end of turn business. Beautiful. Up next is going to be Lord Amalegda. Oh, no.

Good. Yeah. It's legendary actions, man. You're like, oh, he used this turn a while ago. No, he didn't. So this time he is going to... Do, do, do, do, do, do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do attempt to strike you. To be clear, you're not grappled like Golbar is at the moment. It's worth explaining to everybody.

So let's do a ranged spell attack. This is going to be against Jelf. Jelf, he tries, you see him extend a hand right by your face and this beam of ice shoots out of his hand right over your shoulder and just crushes some rock behind you. You feel like that would have been a rough one to take a close distance, but he missed. Oh, good.

And then that's going to be... He's going to try to hit you with his claw. Oh, it was the dice was like, is it a seven or 15? A seven or 15 is seven. And then plus to hit that is a 13. But that is, is that your armor class? I have a 15. Okay.

So he just misses reaching out and taking a swipe at you. So you just kind of like, you know, Neo side to side dodge this shit. Love it. After you just hit him a bunch of fucking times. So he is getting schooled a little bit. Nathan. All right. It's your turn.

Seeing 2D is awake. I will, I'm going to fall back. There's that pew that I was sort of hiding behind I will sort of fall back to the far end of it so I'm not next to her, I'm at the other end of it just trying to put a little distance between me and the winged

face monster I'm going to then cast Witch Bolt on the thing, so it's an attack roll for me. Okay. I'm casting it at first level. Ooh, Dan, it's a natural 20.

Oh, roll your damage. So it's a d12. He's also, he's rolling concentration check. He drops Golbar. Golbar, you, Brian, you have been freed from the grip of this shadowy demon thing. Sweet.

So, it's a d12, doubled soul roll to 10, doubled to 20 points of, uh, I guess it's lightning damage to that thing. Nice. Damn, alright. And because it's Witch Bolt, it's a... You're connected now, right?

Yeah, there's like an arc of arcane zapping between the two of us. Hey, did you guys know when a dog and a cat fight, sometimes one of them, usually the dog, starts farting repeatedly in reaction to the wrestle. Oh! Yeah, so there's an arc of energy that is now connecting your carrot wand to the demon. I like it. Will that do it for your turn? That's good for me, Dan.

All right. There they are, Rathlin. You know, dogs mark their territory and yours by farting. Oh, that's nice. You're inhaling dark poop particles. Caspia is going to roll a death saving throw.

I'm going to say inhaling. Oh, boy. So I didn't stabilize her. So I didn't stabilize her. Good news, she rolled a success. So no, you did not stabilize her, but barely mattered because you kept her from So no you did not stabilize her But Barely mattered

Because you kept her from bleeding A little bit and that was nice And she feels reassured as she wakes up And she can tell someone took care of her And she's laying on the ground Not feeling great but She's ready to fight next turn Goldar

Yeah You're up Okay She's ready to fight next turn. Goldar. Yeah. You're up. Okay. One second. I'm going to go separate these two. Okay. The pets have been separated.

Everything is fine over here. Thank God. Goldar. Yeah, let's do it. Uh, swing. What did you roll? It's pronounced swing. The demon's before you. I'm gonna...

Your axe comes crashing down upon it. Haha, 21. Nice. That's very much a hit. Uh, seven. Seven. Okay. And that's just your first swing, right? Mm-hmm.

Sweet. Roll your second attack. Do it again. Do it again. Nope. This one didn't hit. Whoosh. Three plus seven is a fucking nothing. fucking nothing all right well the good news is

you're very large and uh so is this thing so it's very entertaining to watch you swing at this thing so everybody just remember in your mind's eye a 10 foot tall or no it's like a 20 foot tall gold bar because he was already a big motherfucker uh swinging at this 20 foot 15 foot tall demon um there there's a lot of damage that's been done to this demon gold bar and um it's strange like you feel like you're making progress it seems like uh it's growing in intensity but you've you've definitely all been hitting this thing a lot the intensity part is a little disconcerting, but you don't feel like it's getting more powerful as it gets hit. It's just...

It's like it's winding up or something. The demon is now going to take a turn. That is going to be a 26 to hit on Golbar. Yeah. All right. It does seven points of slashing damage with its claw. And then it tries to grab you again. This time is probably a miss.

It's a 13 to hit. again. This time it's probably a miss. It's a 13 hit. No. Okay. That'll do it for that demon's turn. It got its claws in you once, but guess what? Now it's time for Iva to do some stuff. Yeah, here she comes.

Iva with the killing blow. So we believe that this is all coming from the vampires summoning these guys, right? Now, when you say we believe, you mean as a part of our collector of religion, yes? Yes. It is definitely like, yeah. Yeah, because he did something and then it came out. I think you guys would all remember, as characters at least least this guy wanted to come in he tried to intimidate you guys into inviting him in no less you told him to fuck off he made all of the things you

blocked in front of the door explode outwards and started summoning things into the room but he has not entered the room he has merely uh been taking advantage of the fact that he's kind of got you back in here and then summoning monsters into the room but he has not uh been taking advantage of the fact that he's kind of got you back in here and been summoning monsters into the room but he has not summoned anything since this uh very tall demon that is locked in combat with gold bar okay and can i see him through the doorway oh that's a great question you're in an awkward position um do a perception check because the demon is like standing right in front of you speaking words and there's smoke just billowing off of his wings he's he's large and easy to

obscure um 16 yeah you see you just see like glints off of light um and and lightning that has recently been cast into the demon reflecting off of his gold armor you see his shape in the doorway. Okay, and I believe Jelf is next to him? It's on the map. I'm behind him, right? He's actually behind him. The map just isn't large enough to put you where I am. Just in terms of my

sneak attack, if he has somebody within five feet of him. Yeah, he is within five feet. I just brilliantly did not make the map large enough to account for somebody teleporting behind the door well okay then i'm gonna try to fire actually directly at the um lord amygdala it's pronounced amygdala will you please roll to attack That's a 17 to hit. Oh, that's a hit.

Dice are rolling in slow motion because I'm running so many things. You guys all, character player-wise, know that it's 16 to hit on the leg, though. 16 to hit on the leg, though. 16 to hit on the leg. Okay, that is 16 points of damage. All right, let me calculate that real quick.

That is an interesting number. Okay. Okay. So that's an arrow? Yes. You see this thing jelf. All of a sudden, this arrow just goes right in the back of Amalegda's neck. And he finally breaks eye contact with you. Love it.

He shrieks high-pitched in pain no notes i've uh uh what else you up to um i'm gonna click my boot heels the speed um unless i already i may have already done that but um i don't think i did i'll'll give it to you. I'm going to use them to try to get as far as I can, which I think is going to be over here. And if he gets an opportunity attack on me as I go, then he has disadvantage when I'm wearing, when I'm using the boots. Right.

So he is going to take that opportunity attack. Although you were hidden. Yeah. Uh, so let me double check that rule. I think I had to come out of hiding to, um, sorry, to, uh, to fire the arrow. So. Right. I don't think I can fire. Yep. One, yeah. Okay. I'm not sure. Um,

you'd have to, yeah, you'd have to stay hidden. But then you would have, you would have gotten out of it. So he's going to take a swing with disadvantage. Sure rolled low on that second one, so you're good. There's a nine to hit.

Anything else? You got any bonus actions you're going to... That was it. That was it. Lovely. Okay, so. Up next is Jelf hi jelf i just lagged out what happened with uh with iver oh i'm yeah no did she was she attacked she dungeoned the dragon i am i hit him i hit the actual vampire with an arrow which broke his concentration spell

i hope on jelf and now I'm booking it across the room. Yes. So no attack on you. No. He had disadvantage on his opportunity attack. Great. So he rolled up. Thank you.

That's okay. You know what? You all frozen. I was here. It's okay. You know, there's a listener out there in Peoria, Illinois, who also just sort of blanked out for a second when you lost your connection. Right now they're going, oh, thank you.

My name is Dave Walters and I'm from Peoria, Illinois. Thank you so much for prompting that, Ken. How's it going, Dave? I made you up. That's going to bring us, yes, to Jelf. All right. Hey, can I do the same thing? Another four attacks?

Do hate this turn. I think you can only action surge the once. Check the thing. So it says for action surge. Oh, it can only be used one time per short rest. I'm going to take a short rest. Pull out a magazine. Hello, Kindle.

Roll to sleep dodge the attacks you're receiving during your six-hour nap. Okay. First one was a 17. That's a hit. That's a 10 and a 7. And that is a 6 for this thing. Ooh, 6 plus 4 is 10. Second attack is a 12 plus 7, 19.

Whoa. That's a hit, too. And that's another 6 plus 4 is 10 Nice shelf And then a 16 plus 7 Which is a 23 You only get two hits, you only get two attacks Oh really? Yeah We just talked about it, action surge

Oh right, oh Once per short rest, you only get two attacks Sure, I was thinking about something else. You were thinking about ten minutes ago, I understand. Okay, anyway, that was ten minutes ago. I was happy with those two. Yeah, that's true. I'm glad you're happy with those two.

Great. Because you sure did do great. Up next in the turn order... Is Brian playing the Pipes of Success? The Lady Pipe. The Pied Vapor. Next in the turn order. Is Brian playing the pipes of success? The lady pipe. The pied vapor. Leading all the kids to the river. Guess what, Judy?

Yeah. You're awake. I'm going to divinely smite this fucker. The demon? Yeah. Okay. Is he undead or a fiend?

That's a great question. Let me check. He's one of those things. He's one of those things. Okay, awesome. So I will attack with my glaive. Let's see if that works first. I'm going to do a little glaiving.

Glaiving. That's a 19. That's a 19. That's a hit. Smite him. And that's beneficial to your guard. That does... Well, that does five points of damage plus the Divine Smite stuff.

So that is another... Sorry, gotta get back down to it. Another 2d8, 3d8. Nice. 4d8. Okay. Because he's an undead or a fiend. Be sure you give me the total

number on this one. That will do. Ken is just emptying his dice. 14. 14 total or 14 in addition to the last number? In addition to the last number, sorry. No, it's okay.

Boop, boop, boop. Alright, how would you like to see this demon die? Just sort of fade out shrieking. Gone. All right. All you guys. At the end.

Yeah. You see Tootie. You see Tootie rouse himself from sleep after having been condemned to bunnydom. Stand up. dows himself from sleep after having been condemned to bunnydom, stand up, bring back his hammer of Bahamut upon the demon, and with a shriek and a pop, it is blasted out of existence. Anything else you need to do, Tootie? You got any other business? Any errands?

Yeah. I have another action, so I'm going to heal. Who's near me? Bunch of folks. You're actually kind of in this little combat cluster. Who's hurting, guys? Nathan, Caspia. I would say

Caspia's probably the most toasted. That's true. How are you doing, Nathan? I'm about half, but Caspia was just dead. Okay. Then I will... And so was Iva. I am too, but I will... And so was Iva. I am too, but I think I'm fine.

She ran across the room. So she's sort of closer to Lord Amalegda and Jelf at this point. All right, I'm going to give some healing points to Caspia. I'll give her 10 points. Nice. Lovely. Lovely. I'll give her 10 points.

Nice. Lovely. Yeah. Wake her up and shit. Yeah, I mean, she's awake, but she's... Oh, right. She just woke up. So, yeah, she's like... Well, I just woke up and hit a thing and killed her.

Don't talk to her until she's had her coffee. I still need my coffee. Don't talk to me. That's going to be your turn. And take us to Lord Amalegda, who has been hit for over 100 points of damage. But he has the rod of a demigod and has been fucking up everybody.

Jelf! Yeah. Yes. Here it comes. I'm going to have you do a wisdom saving throw, please. A wisdom saving throw. 15 plus 3, 18.

Ugh! He tries to make eye contact with you again. We were watching you from the bar. We're digging your style. Yeah, exactly. You're like, I'm not into polyamory. I'm so sorry. He goes, ah, son of a bitch.

Thanks for asking. Not interested. But he is going to try and get some revenge on you. So now I'm going to have you do... Where is it? Where is it? Okay, so I need to roll 5d8. How many hit points you got?

Oh, dear. I have 19 hit points left. So this could be rough. Oh, I'm sure it's going to be rough. Roll terrible. All right. Come on. Roll spider eyes.

Spider eyes. How many hit points do you have left? 19. Okay. So he places a clawed finger right in the middle of your forehead, and you get knocked unconscious. Oh, okay. He looks over at the rest of the room, the rest of you, like, Iva, you're closest,

and he just starts going... And we'll have to see what he thinks is so funny on the next episode of Nerd Poker. Sam. Hi, everyone. It's good to see you. Good to see what he thinks is so funny on the next episode. Nerd Poker. Sam. Hi, everyone. It's good to see you. Is it?

Because today's wrap up is everyone got what they deserved in pain in battle today because nobody said hello to me in the intro. Whoa. Whoa. Hi, Sam. Being unconscious. Oh, whoa. Hi, Sam. Being unconscious. Oh, wow. We're unconscious. Those of you who are. Oh, it's just one of us.

It's Blaine. Oh. Hey, Sam. I was. Hi, everyone. Hi, sweet children. How's it going, Sam? I'm sorry, Sam.

That's terrible. It's my fault, Sam. I'm sorry. Don't be mad at everybody else. Good badly episode. Very, very badly, and I liked it a lot. I didn't say good morning to you because you never left.

It's so early. Love how much you guys are... It literally was almost 10 a.m. when everybody was... Just so the listeners know, when everybody was moaning, it was almost 10 in the morning. 10 a.m. A lot of you work at night, so

I feel like that's fair. Fair is a strong word, but yeah. Reason. Sorry, Sam. It's really my fault. Dan, people you want to thank? I'm not going to thank anybody, but I'll plug some shows

if you like. That's what I meant. Make some shows. If you'd like to see me at Fest in Gainesville, Florida at the end of October, I'll be there with a bunch of comedians like Kyle Kinane and Jonah Ray, as well as some bands like Sam I Am, The Suicide Machines, and Anti-Flag. Come on by and see me, won't you?

That sounds awesome. Hope those tour dates are fun. I've got dates at briberstein.com where I'll be playing your favorite city. Anybody else? Blame? Oh, Stacey Keach is the new Frito Bandito. And so we're going to be going over to Portugal this weekend

and filming a block of stuff. And I'm just going to be, you know, opening up, doing a little time. Oh, and also I'm going to be recording Nerd Poker at 9.30 a.m. this morning. So check that out. Can't imagine what that would be like.

Wow. Cool. We appreciate your listening. Thanks for listening to another episode of Nerd Poker. You can follow us at patreon.com slash nerdpoker and you get bonus episodes from there. And you can also send us anything at P.O. Box 16069 Encino, California 91416.

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