Nerd Poker - S5E1 Vyndarea

Episode Date: July 12, 2022

It's time to meet a brand new cast of characters, as the season begins on a boat piloted by a drunken fairy named Goggo, as it heads to an evil castle. The dreaded king and archlich Vallux lies within, and it's up to a very ragtag and boisterous crew to stop him! For merch, social media, and more be sure to head to nerdpokerpod.com.

Hey everybody, I'm Brian Poussin, comedian, writer, actor, nerd. I've been playing D&D with my friends for a long time. I decided to do a new podcast where we play Dungeons & Dragons in my very own dining room with my wife, kid, and my noisy dogs. So meet my friends Sarah, Kev, Dan, Lee, Chris. Now it's time for another episode of Brian Poussin's Nerd Poker. Hey, it's Billy. Season five.

Hey, everybody. I'm Brian Poussin. You're listening to Nerd Poker with me and my friends. It's season five. Holy shit. Episode one. I hope you listened to episode zero. You don't have to have listened to episode zero,

but it would be interesting if you did. You'd like it because you get to hear us working on these new characters. And yes, we have some new characters. We have some returning characters. I'll get into it. I'll introduce my friends and then have Dan get you started and walk you through it. Oh, my goodness. It's so hard for me to do anything when he's in the room. Robin is here, everybody, but I'm going to wait a minute. Sarah's here. Hello.

Hello, Brian. How are you doing? I'm good. How are you? Welcome to season five. Hooray. Hope you had a great break. I know everybody went all over the place.

Paris, right? Yeah. I did the whole European tour. Nice. Blaine? Hey, how you doing, Brian? Hi, everybody. How'd you spend the break?

You gained like 30 pounds in your face, it looks like. Yeah. Well, you know, just putting it in different places. But I built my own high-speed rail. Oh, nice. Yeah, it's pretty cool cool is it uh never i was gonna do some simpsons monorail references but then uh i ran out of them chris is here hey i hope you like my new hairstyle i just got back from jamaica and i think it's really culturally sensitive. Yeah, that's cool.

I think white guys can take it away from them. It's just white girls can't take it away from them, I think, is what it is. Exactly. I'd take off my T-shirt and show you my bikini straps. I wish you would. Family show. Ken's here. Hi, Brian. How are you?

How are you, my friend? Good. You spent every day in Disneyland since season four, right? Yeah, that and fucking. Oh. Were you fucking in Disneyland or no? Sometimes. Sometimes, huh?

There's a nice spot at the bottom of the Grand Canyon. Oh. Right, right before the dinosaurs. All right. That's why they call it the donkey punch. Our DM is here here he's so ready for season 5 look at him he's grown a new beard

hey Brian I don't mean to bring things down but like while I was on break I found some catacombs under a volcano in Iceland and I'm still there I built a really nice house as you can see but like I'm kind of trapped so if you could please send somebody I don't know how to get out.

That's where my high-speed rail goes. We're going to send Terry and Billy. Oh, wait, wait. We should explain to listeners who Terry... Oh, yeah, that's right. So I don't know if they're here, but what would Terry do, a person who hasn't been introduced yet?

Oh, that's our engineer Sam, everybody. He's got the cutest dog in town. What would Terry do if he was in catacombs? Yeah, like to save someone in catacombs. Probably get his penis stuck in a skull. Wow.

Classic Terry. That's Terry, alright. Not even trying to do anything anything sexually he's just trying to take a whiz and then got his penis stuck in a skull listeners sam has been our engineer for i want to say like nine ish ten ish years and he does his best to learn dungeons and dragons and i think a few times he really did learn dungeons and and Dragons. He's even played a little bit. It comes and goes. I get a full grasp of it or none. His character, who I'm hoping will make

a cameo today, is named Terry. Can you give us a little bit of backstory? Terry is down on his luck by his own choices. It's important that there's no sympathy. These are things he's done. He has

lost custody of his children and his wife has left him because he physically lost his children and couldn't remember where they were. He's responsible for a lot of really bad things. The Suez Canal being stuck. A whole bunch of real bad things just by making mistakes.

He's a lovable moron. Is he? When I say lo making mistakes he's a lovable lovable moron is he when i say lovable he's not great you know what it is he's everybody i went to high school he's everyone you went to high school with yeah if you went to high school with me in wisconsin he goes listen man he loves burning man he loves fish he loves his dirty feet and stupid sandals. Oh, no. In a nice restaurant. Wow. Will Ferrell would say no to this character. He would say that it needs way more development.

Yeah, this wouldn't make it past the pitch table. Yeah, yeah. I have been waiting so much to be on mic to tell you guys this piece of information i i entered a contest on instagram and i won it it's the first thing i've ever won i get a professional photo shoot and a big canvas of me and ramen wow holy crap so and then and it's a bit instead it's like a really nice place so i'm currently looking at tuxedos with the tails yeah in a top hat can you get one of those bright pastel

ones too absolutely so I'm really excited before we gotta go I think you gotta go sleeveless but still go tails sleeveless tux sleeveless shirt but gym shorts no no no oh

the regular sleeveless is the only yeah shit that is what a badass touch you know uh everything else is like you're putting on the ritz you know and you mean for me and rama yeah she is do you have time to grow a long braid in the back no No, I recently got a haircut I don't care for. Damn it. Matching faux hawks? I bet I could get gauges in a week. You get a wig. Huge gauge ears.

Sorry, I didn't mean to stop. Chris, please explain Billy. Well, yeah, that's what I mean. Before we go too far to tangent listeners, I often am trying to explain things, which is less fun, but please, like, I don't know. Is Chris responsible for Billy? This isn't so much a character someone controls as like a spirit that visits us.

My name is Billy. I'm an avid listener to New Poker and have many suggestions about ways that things could be better. Oh my God. Like what? For example, the other day I was walking down the hallway with my cyclops skull so it's just got that one eye and i was like why is it leaking out all my coconut juice

fortunately terry was there with his special cyclops skull plug and he put his plug into the skull oh no pleasure no base no trace also I believe I also have tiny bat wings I forgot about that Terry has wings the character Terry canonically has tiny leathery bat wings my favorite part of that is he got them at an official

Dungeons and Dragons live stream oh yeah where too many people from the cast were sick and it was like me, Chris Ken, Brian and then Sam, we were like Sam don't engineer just get up on the table we're down Sarah and Blaine

and you touched I think a demon ichor that made you grow bat wings and I believe the last time they were used was to fly around as a distraction when we were stealing a painting in a bonus episode right and I believe I believe the last time they were used was to fly around as a distraction when we were stealing a painting in a one in a bonus episode yeah in a bonus bonus episode a heist if we could I would love to use this as a brief segue to patreon and explain if you're not familiar

we run this on patreon this is a public podcast and we really love that we can just put this podcast out like any old podcast on whatever platform that you have currently chosen to listen to it uh however the lifeblood is the patron that is how we afford to keep this going so if you guys like this it would mean a lot to us if you'd head on over to patreon.com slash nerd poker and subscribe you can also do it for via the app the patreon app and like look up nerd poker i'm more of a fan of like doing everything analog in a web browser and then porting over something like our rss feed we have a special feed on patreon that has i think at this

point hundreds of bonus episodes at least hundreds of hours of us goofing around right sam well over a hundred oh absolutely yeah there's and uh we've had some really really cool guests like matt mercer and marisha ray stopped by our tomb of annihilation finale we did that whole module with guests like scott ian from anthrax all kinds of really fun people stopped by uh tom lennon did a string of episodes pat nazaral did a string of episodes from the original Earwolf version of this podcast Jerry and Sark do come by and do episodes whenever they can fit it into their

busy nerd schedule so you know we really love that you guys are just listening period but if you subscribe you'll keep this going we'll give you as many benefits as we can every week I even do a little Dungeon Master Q&A thread over there for people who subscribe

at an extra fancy tier. But we really, really, really appreciate people who can let us keep doing this like it's a thing. You guys should start an OnlyFans. No. I don't think we should, Billy. That's kind of scary for me.

But I mean, how hot is it to watch someone try to fuck a book? He's got a point, you guys. Hey, so I was out and about, which never happens. And I went to Retro Arcade out in Pasadena and was playing some games with Rhodes. And Rhodes is my son, listeners. And if you've been a listener for a long time, you've heard him grow up. He is now a teenager. And I took him and one of his friends that are now into Stranger Things

to play actual 80s arcade games. So we played Dragon's Lair and Dig Dugs there. And it's a it's a good, good place, a fun spot. And then we went to Bob's Big Boy in the Valley. I digress.

What was I? Oh, no, you got something from from listeners. Oh, yes. Yes. That's why I got a little. What happens is sometimes I go out and about Oh, you got something from listeners. Oh, yes. Yes, that's why. I got a little.

What happens is sometimes I go out and about and I get cash. And this is from a gentleman. Cash me outside. He wrote an ad classic on the front. And Blaine will tell you what that is later or not. And then we got to Nerd Poker. Thanks for all the great bits from tyler uh thanks tyler tyler was masked up at the at the video game place but um seemed pretty from the eyebrows up or and face up wait what he's a pretty man oh nice gentleman. Thanks for listening, man. What did it for you?

The eyelashes? Well-groomed brows? Sure. Yeah, yeah. Take care. Well-groomed brows is a great beer, by the way. I rarely drank beer when I drank, but I always drank well-groomed brows. I got loaded when I was in Frankfurt on those. But we

appreciate the money, Patreon or just running up to me in a public place and throwing it in my hand and writing your name on it. Well, speaking of Patreon, you know what I like to do every episode? Brian. What?

You know what I like to do every episode, right? I do. He's slightly distracted because I think his wife is coming home directly next to him. Is that right? Yeah, and I got a Frank Zappa Funko Pop. What was that?

Wait, just from her right now? She just handed me. She just walked in and went, wow. That's how cool we are. Sometimes our significant others hand us Frank Zappas while we're in the middle of playing Dungeons & Dragons. It's a Franko Pop. It's fucking amazing.

That is amazing. It sounds amazing. I like what I saw, I like what I saw. You held it up this now. Yeah. The, the captain beef heart Funko pop.

Uh, no joke, please. Brian, uh, like take a picture of that and send it to us. We'll put it on like the Instagram or something. Yeah.

I, I sort of collect the Funkos, but it's really random and it has to be somebody like that. And she nailed it. I have Rush Funko Pops. And I have Jaws Funko Pops. I have one of the Yankee guys from the Warriors that fight everybody.

That's nice. Keep going. I am going to keep going. Yeah, what I was about to just explain is that we are of course supported by patreon and i like to thank people at our top two tiers uh the tiers are called hey boss which is a reference to a season three character and stargoyle which is a reference to our ye olde earwolf days uh an npc controlled by sark and um I think it was like Blaine's familiar kind of also, because you were a warlock at the time.

It made a lot of sense. Yes, it was a thing made of time and space, a little time and space companion. And those special references are for the people who can afford to support us at those high level tiers. And they go by usernames like Kimberly Chaffee. Thank you, Kimberly, for supporting us. Thanks, Kimberly.

Thank you, RCHMX, which could be Rich Max. Thanks, Rich Max. RCHMX. Thank you, Cap'n Crunch's Oops! All Beholders. Thanks, this supporter brought to you by Vernon fells redacted redacted

Vernon fell a bonus episode character by Mr. Chris Tallman. Thank you. Noel Larson. Thank you. Carl's going to get me. Okay. Thanks.

It's Jeff dot dot dot dot dot dot dot dot. Please clap. Thank you. The errant duke oh there it is a little bit um just like it was for a certain jeb uh thanks the errant duke thank you

garrett roten thanks margaret dumont thank you jonathan meyer uh thanks rich vader sary oh i know that dude he's he's near chicago he's a tattoo artist he's great he i've met him in seconds. Thank you.

The dulcet tones of Blaine's Eastern Pennsylvania accent describing the local traffic conditions. You're welcome, hon. Thank you. LZ Valis. Thank you. Sir.

Richard's infected hand. Thank you. Captain Deadpool. Thank you. Emiliano Zapata. Thank you. Spencer Potterbaugh. Thank you.

Kyle Calder. Thank you. Hero dose. Thank you. Lou Morgue. Thank you. Tom Kurz. Oh my Lord. Thank you, Spencer Putterbaugh. Thank you, Kyle Calder. Thank you, Hero Dose. Thank you, Lou Morgue. Thank you, Tom Kers... Oh, my Lord. Thank you, Tom Kersansky. Thank you, Jeremy Rossman. Thank you, Christopher Gutierrez. Thank you, Zerkboy Dark,

which is spelled in a very special way. Thank you, Fiti Pajamas. Thank you, Tamlin Cinderhaven. Thank you, Sam Gibson. Thank you, Gabe Atthouse. Thank you sam gibson thank you gabe at house thank you bixie tinker tonk thank you sound waves eject button thank you jeffrey croxford thank you book hoard wonder token that sounds like some kind of uh scholar character for dungeons and dragons and finally thank you fat danny paladino oh thank you thanks Fat Danny Palladino. Thank you. Thanks.

Blaine, who were those Patreon supporters brought to us by? Well, those Patreon supporters brought to us by... When your stomach is as empty as your pants, why don't you and your friends get in the maxi van and head on down to Ballzack's.

Ballzack's. The potatoes are loaded and so are the waiter's pants. They don't take no for an answer when those things are empty either. Their philosophy, good things come in big packages and great things come in huge packages. But they don't take no for an

answer and they don't take American Express. So why don't you head on down to Balzac's. Wow. That was really intense. Remember Balzac from the 90s, everybody? Anybody?

Balzac? I thought he was from the 1890s. Yeah, I only remember him from the... Balzac was also like a weird toy, and I'm trying to place what it was exactly. It was like Nerf adjacent. It was like Pogo Ball. It was, I think, some kind of thing you threw around. Listeners, please let us know on Twitter.

Balzac. Was it two L's? I don't know. I mean, they couldn't have named a toy. Oh, no. I just looked it up and absolutely... Ha! I was like, they couldn't have named a toy Balzac, but they did.

There's also a musical artist named Balzac. I mean, there's obviously Honoré de Balzac, which is the root of all the Balzac jokes. Yeah, there's also a special part of a lover called a Balzac.

Wow, you really got Called a ball sack. Oh no. Oh no. Wow, you really got Ryan to snort right into the mic with that one. It's like I have questions about the commercial still, but I don't want the answers. So, I don't know. It's tough. It's a tough position to be in.

I'm all set on that one. Did you see the picture of Ballsack, by the way? Did somebody say they want a picture of my Balzac he looks like that I don't want to see a picture of this Balzac Brian here let me DM you this he looks like he looks like Harmar Superstar oh I was going to say

what we do in the shadows oh yeah yeah Matt Berry is the best god he's funny. He would be a good... He'd be a good ball sack. He should play him. I don't think this conversation

is going to pass the Bechdel test piece. That is the weirdest portmanteau probably ever. Definitely some wonderful juxtaposition there speaking of juxtaposition i believe it is time and i don't think this actually qualifies as juxtaposition to talk about what happens next on nerd poker season five we begin our story on the high seas where a large moth-like fairy steers a boat full of heroes. These heroes, some of which are still hiding in barrels because they're kind of freaked out by an evil king archlich named Valix,

are just sort of collected by this fairy. A fairy that is pretty well-meaning but extremely drunk, named Gago. Gago has collected these heroes with the hopes of scattering them around the edges of the Arch-Lich's castle, Vindaria. Vindaria was once a fixture on the trident coast of Cloddenheim, where sun elves were generally cool, until a comet hit Cloddenheim and they retreated to the Feywild for what was only ten years in Cloddenheim's time, but several thousand in Feywild's time. During that time, they all became undead, living an extremely long period of time, murdering armies of fey and wizards. And Chris Tallman, by the way, making some faces where I'm like, is he curious about something that happened within lore because of continuity? Or like, is he just generally amused? He's shaking his head because he doesn't want to

interrupt, but you know, like, don like, don't do it, Chris. Don't do it. You're welcome to come in later. Just don't do it right now. I'm trying to. Oh, I wonder if I have ADHD. It said no on that one test I took that one. Anyway.

Our heroes are gathering on the boat, and we would like to bring you up close to one of them. A monk wearing robes. A drow by the name of Rani. Brian. Yes. You're on the boat of a vessel steered by a large ferry. your vehicle to the castle where you hope to get revenge on your fallen brother, Danny, who was destroyed by the Archlich's undead elf army on a southern continent. And you're pretty pissed off, right?

Yes. But you're cool, and are you nice like your brother, Danny? I love my brother, but he lived a little more carefree than I do. Oh, no. Because you're a dark elf. Are you kind of like gritty and like, I don't know, like knuckles to open palm? Like, I'm going to go take some elves out. What is your sort of gut feeling right now as you sail towards a very frightening looking castle?

Yeah, I'm not really the kind of guy who toots his own horn. I let other people do that for me. Well, speaking of people who might toot their own horn, you're now approached, well, not so much approached as awkwardly within proximity of two flying beings that are coming in from the ocean sky and crashing onto the deck next to you. One of them, a brightly colored Aarakocra, a bird person, and the other, a very strange looking large green bird Dr. Uwud would you like to introduce yourself?

Sorry I was coming in hot I was telling the stewardesses to lock down the baggage Hi I'm Dr. Uwud What do you look like Dr. Uwud? What do I look like? What does it look like I look like? I'm a giant green bird. Instead of feathers, I have plants.

It's a long story. I'm sure you'll hear bits and pieces of it. And yeah, you're in bird form right now. I am in bird form. I feel like the way you're introducing him, he's just going to stay in bird form until he says otherwise? Well, I don't want people watching me change back. It's embarrassing.

Really embarrassing. Because my face looks weird for a couple of minutes. Queep, how would you like to describe yourself? I am a beautiful, multicolored, man-sized parrot slash Aarakocra bird. Wow, what colors? Green and orange, mostly. Man-sized parrot slash Aarakocra birdie. Wow. What colors? Green and orange mostly, but there's blacks and blues and purples.

And you're a barbarian with a large double-sided greataxe, yes? Yes, I am. And you might have a battle cry when you go into battle. It's kind of a little different every time, but would you like to give us just sort of like a classic Queep battle cry when you go into battle it's kind of a little different every time but would you like to give us just sort of like a classic queep battle cry uh it goes something like queep dr uid you mean to land on gago's ship gracefully but of course the ship isn't very big it's carrying 30 some odd heroes but it's designed for freight and so the deck is a bit small the seas are a

bit rough and you kind of slam into the deck right next to a sour looking drow a little awkwardly close right now anything's better than flying into that plate glass window would you like to introduce yourselves to each other hi anything's better than flying into that plate glass window.

Would you like to introduce yourselves to each other? Hi, sorry about that. Hello. Excuse us for our unfortunate landing. That's all right. My name is Ronnie Yen. Good to meet you. My name is Kwee.

Did you know my brother, Danny? I did not. Danny the Monk? He's a good guy, yes. Hmm. I think I might have remembered him. Hold on, I have stars circling my head and a couple of planets. Oh, boy. Whoa! oh boy it's wow whoa well uh as you have your discourse you notice nearby there is somebody kind of interested in your arrival on deck maybe they hadn't noticed you yet maybe they have been hiding in one of gago's barrels up until now i'll let them uh describe

what's going on right now uh sar, please introduce us to your character. Oh, like by name or what I look like? Or do you want me to introduce? I don't know that you've told me your character's name yet. This is a brand new character. Yes. So this is, I guess, hiding in a barrel. I'll let you decide,

but I would say that two of these three characters would be of import to your character. Yes. Creeping out from behind the barrel, Winifred Wintergem comes out from behind where she was hiding and looks over at you guys and is like, I'm sorry, but are you Queep? And is this Dr. Erwid? I am and he is. I am a big fan of your work um i was very inspired by all that you did i'm thrilled to see you here before me uh i'm i'm a little bit well known myself in my own circle for my um performances um and i just it's just thrilling to see. Would you mind if I join you? I could take

notes on your adventures and probably learn quite a bit, I imagine. What do you think, Doctor? Well, as long as we don't have to split the magic nine more ways, I guess it'll be alright.

Did you see the first show or the second show? Yes, you came to my town of Bozor. Bozor? Yep. Dan was in Bozor? Yep. Bozor. Were you and your compatriots forced democracy on us

by making us elect a mayor. And frankly, the speeches, the battles, everything was just epic on a scale that I've frankly only dreamed of at our small theater community that I've worked at since I was a child. So I'm just greatly looking forward to us being able to work together. I'm so glad that worked out well. Me too. You sure put the b in subtle you are a bit shorter than i imagined queep but like when i when i remember you you were maybe 10 to 12 feet tall but it seems that you're more maybe maybe six i

kind of like measure him i'm like six and he's a bird what's that what'd you say dan he's a bird also i don't know if he was a bird last time was a bird queep was always a bird queep's always a bird but dr it is currently a bird and was not that's true actually i guess i recognized him because he had uh introduced himself and he's covered in vines sir can you tell me what spell is it that you used to make yourself into this bird creature? Oh, it's just kind of a druid thing I

picked up. It's a, you know, we can all sort of take animal form. The various animal forms. Fascinating. Okay, I make a note. It's very fascinating. It's also quite painful. I don't know how quick does it i'm just as good as me ronnie how you feeling about all this happening right next to you you seem nice enough and uh friarolly, you notice, you look around the boat,

and it looks like most of the other heroes are emerging from their barrels, if they haven't already. And they're all starting to group up a little bit. Red leather, yellow leather. Red leather, yellow leather. You look around. I'm doing my vocal exercises in the corner. And one of the smaller groups is a group including two birds a human

and a drow would you like to introduce yourself i will did sarah did you are you off to the side doing uh vocal warm-ups is that what i'm standing on a barrel now because i feel like i i'm just trying to get my light a little bit. But don't mind me. I'm just doing what I do. Please. All right. Please. So you guys would see maybe from the other end of the boat, a man sort of stand up full like plate armor and sort of clank his way down towards you guys.

And as he's coming towards you, he's like, friends, friends, friends. I saw that little girl hiding inside that barrel. I figured at some point she was either going to murder someone or annoy us. Well, good news. No one's been murdered. My name is Friar Jolly, and I'm here to help. Now, and he towards you, Brian, and he goes, I see my best friend just waiting to meet me for the very first time. And where's the rest of you? Let's all be together

and fight evil. Sounds good to me. Jesus Christ, did I shit? What happened? Sorry, this is just an intense boat to land on. We've been flying for days. We're through that. Glad to meet you.

I hop down from my barrel and I walk over to him and I say, I just want you to know that I caught your subtle insult towards me, sir, but I will not allow it to set us off on the wrong foot. You look like a grand adventurer, and I cannot wait to also fight beside you if you are joining this party. Well, as you told everyone, you're very well known, and I look forward to finding out who you are. I believe I said in my own community theater. Yes, I am the leading lady of my community theater, but there are grander theaters in the

world, and I, for one, cannot wait to see them. Well, I love theater, and believe me, I could see plenty of drama with you. I would love to cast a spell on you right now, Chris. You can't wait. No, do it. Do it.

I'll kind of scooch people aside so I can sit down right next to Ronnie and I'll put my hand on his knee and say, how about you, friend? Yes, I would not call us friends yet. Not yet. But every journey begins with one incredible friendship that lasts forever. Sure. That drow seems kind of sour. Put my eye around him and give him a squeeze. I like this guy.

I shine up one of his plate mail things and just check how I'm looking. Oh, very sweet. So you guys are all beginning to gather and you notice so is the rest of the boat. Everyone in this group, you kind of like look around. It looks like the boat is beginning to gather in small notice so is the rest of the boat everyone in this group you kind of

like look around it looks like the boat is beginning to gather in small groups a couple of people seem intent on being by themselves a couple people still looking for a group to join um you see off to the side a small bird descend from the clouds and rest on the shoulder of a gnome um but then you notice the fairy that has been steering the ship is flying towards you carrying a large map uh the fairy is of course gago the the fairy who has been collecting all of you to assault invade the castle vendaria to kill the arch lich um the The Archlich was quite near invincible until some heroes destroyed

his phylactery. He is now vulnerable and panicking. He has sent his troops all over the world to try and find the heroes that destroyed his phylactery, and so his castle is a little more unguarded than usual. You know Gago

has assembled you knowing this weakness, and he now approaches you holding the map in his tiny hands. It sounds sort of like a large beetle, or a cicada that flies up in your face while you're just trying to go for a walk and mind your own fucking business. So it's kind of like... Just like right up to you guys.

Oh, excuse me. Oh, God. Oh, excuse me. Oh, God. Okay, so somebody found this map. Hi, I'm Gaga. Have I met everybody yet? I don't fucking. I'm super hungover.

I'm trying to drink it away, but it's not working. Anyway, okay, so here's the deal. This gnome over there found this map to the castle. I don't know who the fuck she is. The point is I feel like this is some really good intel I'm trying to share with everybody. I think pretty much everybody else

has seen this. And he like looks around and like a halfling who is kind of still looking for a group and like scurries over towards you guys. He's wearing like heavy plate mail himself, not unlike Friar Jolly. And Gaga lays the map out. You guys, I am now texting you a map of the Castle Vendaria. And hopefully that will give you a little bit of a sense of what we're in for.

We actually have an even better version I just got sent by artist Sean Bryant. Sean has done lots of fun little work for us over the years here at NerdPoker, and he just sent me the final amazing version of this map. So you might want to zoom in. There is a lot going on here uh but it's pretty dark um gago explains a few of the features in the map which of course we will post online as soon as possible um okay so uh i don't know if any of your guys are like from clondonheim but the city doesn't look the way it used to before I went to the Feywild.

It's all corrupted by these magic vines and shit. At some point... Yeah. So, little thorny things there. That's, like, some weird Feywild plant that, like, teleported over here with them. It's not good. You don't want to touch those. teleported over here with them. It's not good. You don't want to touch those.

Also, there's a haunted ship that's just kind of sailing around that's not directly associated with Vendaria, but kind of came here with the Feywild, and it's not great. We're going to try to dodge it. But the creepiest thing that's happened is definitely the dragon turtle skull. At one point, Vendaria teleported itself into a dragon turtle skull. At one point, Vindaria teleported itself into a dragon turtle to sacrifice it to a god and absorb its power, and then teleported the dragon turtle

back with it to the Feywild, and it's dead. And you can still see its skull sticking out of the southern cliffs. What an incredible character arc. That city and that turtle. I'm just, I love everything you're telling me,

small insect person. Oh, thanks. I'm technically a fairy or whatever. Even better. I knew that turtle was going places. Yeah, yeah. The good news, the eye socket of the dragon turtle is one of the places I am recommending to folks they might consider infiltrating.

There's also the docks to the west, which used to have a whole fleet of ships that are now sailing the world. Still probably guarded by sea monsters. Pretty scary place to try to come in. Let me know when they get up to A monsters. scary place to try to come in? Let me know when they get up to A-monsters. Of course, there's also, you could just try to come in from

the north, which is the way people used to go to Vindaria when it was like a nice place full of elves. But it's kind of where, like, you know, some Clondheim armies have died. It's kind of an ugly battlefield up there. I'm sorry, some Clondheim armies? Yeah, it's a place of Clondheim Arby's? Yeah, I thought you said Clodheim Arby's.

No, it's Arby's. Oh. Army's. I'm sorry. My accent. I'm from this island that lived out of space and time. I'm technically from the future. I bet if people wanted to listen to season one, they could figure that out.

I do love a good roast. Sandwich. Please continue. I don't. They can figure that out. I do love a good roast sandwich. Please continue. I done. I don't, I'm, they don't have Arby's where I'm from. I'm not sure what this is about.

I don't understand the reference. I heard that it does stand for the initials or like they thought it did. The initials were like our blue for roast beef. And that turned out, they debunked it. It obviously is the name of some guy, but I've never been there. Roast beef. Yes, sir. All right. Arby's is the name of some guy, but I've never been there. Roast beef, yes, sir.

Alright, we're going to save the world. So, okay. The north is a way you can come on. It's got some monsters and maybe leftover armies, but it's the middle of the way. Arby's leftovers. And then, of course, there's the southern gale, where boats landed long ago.

The coast there has kind of been warped by the dragon skull, and there is, as you might be able to notice, a large wall of skulls where they have placed some of their enemies' bones lining the southern wall. Those skulls are kind of not great, Those skulls are kind of not great. And I'm recommending, nobody wants to do this, but I'm recommending there's actually a cave to the northeast. You can see on the map it's got some haunty green fog coming out of it.

Also, it looks like some kind of harpies, maybe? I don't know. But if we can just get around the haunted ship, I can drop some heroes off over there. There is actually a cave. If you go in at sea level, I think you can follow it up around inside the cliff

to a cave close to the top of the cliffs and find a way to sneak in through the animal stables to the northeast side of the castle. And while he's trying to explain this path to you,

the halfling who came over is nodding and says, I'll do it. I will go that way. Okay. So I'm going to start dropping people off. You guys know where you want to go? What do you think?

I say we just fly in and light the place up. We're fucking around. Ended in one episode. Well, I, for one, am going to need to follow the great Queep and Dr. Uwit and see what decision they make for I'm sure it will be the right one. I like the cave sneak in option myself. Oh, I'd probably not that though.

No, no. I mean, I'm sure whatever you do think is maybe correct. Can I ask the dungeon master a question about the map? Yes, you can. There's a giant skeleton lying dead. It's even bigger than one of those ones that you get at Home Depot.

What would you like to know about it? What kind of skeleton would that be? Because it got killed. I'm going to take a break from saying it in Gago's voice, but Gago would be able to tell Dr. Uid and all of you that that is a symbol, sort of, of when Vendaria first warped back, right before this map was made, the ice giants attempted to raid the castle

from the south and were all killed. Alright, so the south and were all killed. All right. So the south is probably not a good way to go in. No, and Kweep, you would actually kind of have a tinge of relief when you hear this because your people were killed by ice giants, and it sounds like they suffered a great defeat, if not completely wiped out by the Vendarian elves. Well, I like that.

Don't like ice giants. And we think the cave will actually get us into the castle undetected? Well, I can't make any promises, but I do think that's, from what I can tell, I flew all over this place. I don't have a map until that gnome let us have a look at this. There's nobody really guarding that part of the castle. It's hard to get to from the main path to the north. There's barracks, there's monsters, there's a haunted forest, all stopping people from approaching the northeast where the animal stables are.

But if you were to come up through this cave, you might be breaking this. Now, the main thing you guys want to get to is that big tower in the middle. That big tower in the middle is this conduit to other dimensions. I don't know how that shit works, but it's what can make the entire castle teleport to other planes of existence. castle teleport to other planes of existence. And deep within, underneath is the lair of the Arch Lich. The log building

to the south of the tower is the Royal Hall. A lot of those little houses are where a lot of undead elves live. There's actually probably some undead elves who aren't evil or something walking around there.

There's probably people trying to raid the castle and other sort of beings that might be friendly, like sort of scattered around in different areas. But this is a very large city-sized castle. So I recommend finding a way in that's indiscreet. And as far as I can tell, that cave works. I saw people come in the opening, and they came out the top, and they turned out to be undead elves

who were testing the cave out themselves, I think. But then some harpies chased them away. So I don't know if it's going to be completely safe but I think if you were to go with the dragon turtle eye socket which a bunch of people are stoked on doing it's not a guarantee you'll get into like a basement of a castle

is there a was when we were flying in did we see any sort of movement any sort of troops or guards or beings walking around this castle? Dr. Uwud, Kweep, will you please roll an insight check? Our first roll of the season campaign. Ooh.

Here we go. Two natural 20s. Here we go. That's a five from me. Okay. That's not great. I got a 17 plus 320 there we go hey uh dr uig you saw while you were flying like there were a couple of ships heading from the

west side of this peninsula on the trident coast uh west um but it was pretty far away you'd gather that those docks that he's talking about to the west there might be like a few broken down docks that you guys could land on and you did see some sort of movement on the southern end but you couldn't tell what it was

you thought maybe it might be that big monster that is drawn on the map that looks like a centipede with a skull on the head of it. Yeah, I caught that. But you also saw off in the distance to the east a glowing

green spectral ship. So you think you know what Gago's talking about. Okay. But all three of them seem like an equal kind of choice. And there's, of course, an entire map here. You guys could ask Gago for like a customized place to land on the map besides the southeast and west, basically.

It does seem like going up and knocking on the turtle's front door might be a bit foolhardy. So thinking we might want indeed to sneak around one way or the other. Also, Dr. Uwe, you remember something curious with that insight check. A long time ago, you, Queep, and some friends who you have at least temporarily

parted ways with happened to meet King Valix very briefly before he came to power. and you also met a dark evil kind of not dark elf but uh an evil undead lich of a sun elf named vincenzo who gave you and queep necklaces that he said you're welcome to come anytime. You could teleport your way into a large summoning circle that is represented by the skull-filled pentagram on the southern wall right by the main gates.

You do think at some point, at least once, you could teleport directly into the castle of Vendaria. However, you also got the feeling that there would be a welcome wagon. Like, he was eerily inviting when he told you you could use these necklaces to teleport there. And I think the hair goes up on the back,

or the moss goes up on the back of your neck, Dr. Uwet, as you remember this, because you think, oh, like, I could maybe take my friends there. Maybe Queep could too but like there might be like a retinue of guards with all birds like all standing around the summoning circle

and it might be very exposed yeah let's beam ourselves right into FAO Schwartz on Christmas Eve so thanks is he still a bird? I'm going to step behind Christmas Eve. No thanks. Is he still a bird? Oh, you know, I'm going to step behind one of those paper

old-style changing screens. Which are, of course, on the deck of this fridge. Like silhouette. Yeah, silhouette. And it's going to be da-da-da-ba-da-da-ba. And you're going to see some wings with feathers come over like Lola Felana change in between acts.

And then I'm going to come out in my regular outfit. Hey, it's me, Dr. Really? I just don't, I don't want people to see. Applause.

Impressive. See, I am magnificent work. You really got into the character of a bird. And there are a lot of birds on this boat. I saw that tiny gnome who seems very cool, seems to have a bird who's returned to her. And there's this other beautiful, shorter than I remember bird. And I mean, you know, I'm really, I'm just thrilled. I think this ghost ship sounds fascinating. Who else is intrigued by the ghost ship?

Well, I will be heading in that direction. I would like to be dropped off at the cave over there. Hello. For you. Hail and well bet. My name is Bunkle Chee Rankinboing, and I am of the Royal Guard of Donkeyland. Rankinboing? Say your whole name slowly.

Bunkle Chee Rankin Boing. You were great in 1917. I will also paste Bunkle Chee Rankin Boing's name into the chat just in case those of you are taking notes. I want to remember

Bunkle Chee Rankin Boing. Chitty Chitty Chitty Bang Bang character. I'll't remember Bunkle G Rankin' Boing. Chitty Chitty Chitty Bang Bang character. I'll remember it forever. How are you going to get dropped off on a ghost ship once you, like, fall right through it? I mean, obviously, there are some logistical

issues, but the ghost ship is what we are trying to avoid, no? That is what the fairy told us. We're going to try and steer around it and then go to the perhaps haunted or harpy infested caves to the northeast. Hmm.

And if we happen to get close enough to the ghost ship to see something fascinating and epic poem worthy, then that wouldn't be the worst thing in the world. But if we don't, then we'll just continue to these caves, as you say.

Did you see Ghost Ship? It was pretty good. I mean, you say we as if you're planning to join me. I'd be happy to accompany you if you will have me. Well, shall we take a vote about where people would like to... I mean, maybe we could just run in tandem.

Does anyone have detectives? Side by side? Or single file? Or... Well, us as a group, and then bingle-boing. Bunk-a-she. Like a swing car. You may call me bunk. Brinkle, bank, boing and bing.

Shit. That is not the way I would prefer my name pronounced, but yes. Well, someone needs to make a decision. I'm still all for the caves. I believe you are about to take a vote. I will happily back away

and allow you to choose. Yeah, let's bring the little fellow along with us. Sounds wonderful. I think I'm whispering to Dr. Ruin, I guess. I think evil, detect evil on this guy.

Yeah, I don't have any sort of detect evil or anything. I know I'm going to act like I dropped my phone. Go over. You know what? Whisper to friar Jolly. Hey,

you seem like a nice guy. Can you tell if other people are nice on like an atomic level? I wonder if you could maybe run a little retina scan. Yeah, and you know what? Let's do a quick rundown while Chris is looking at Friar Jolly. So can you tell listeners what class you all are?

I believe we know who Dr. Uwitt is. He's self-adventured. We talked about Ken. Yes, I'm a barbarian. I step up on the barrel again. Oh boy. I am a performer. I am a bard

by training and frankly by birth. I've been told since I was young that I was called to it and here I am. When did people start asking you to kind of just tone it down a little bit? The bad news for you, Chris Tallman, is that I'm very charismatic. So right now, Dan, I'd like to, I just really like to try to befriend Friar Jolly, not in any magical way,

but I just want to, I just want just want to use like I just want to kind of figure out like what makes him tick and just be like what do I think would make him him more amenable to realizing what a great person I am all right why don't you you're trying to figure it out rather than charm him no I mean I want to charm him

like naturally obviously I Sarah will never be able to charm Chris Tallman so so i would like my character true winifred to try to winifred can you please roll a performance check oh here we go um that is a 20 oh wow not a natural friar jolly uh you are approached with approached with this introduction by Winifred. Clearly, Winifred is trying to endear herself to you, Friar Jolly, not Chris Tallman. And how would you like to respond with this? I will respond with open arms and say, Winifred, you've got nothing to prove with me. Huzzah!

I step on his, whatever he was saying, I step all over him. I'm like, Hooray! We are friends. And, um, Friar Jolly, please explain to us your class and whether or not you can answer Dr. Wood's question. I am a light cleric.

I don't have any like detect evil or anything like that. I mean, I can certainly give them the once over. You know, I've been I'm level eight. I've been murdering people for a while. All right. Give us the once over. Give us an insight check. Absolutely.

give us gonna give us the once over give us an insight check absolutely okay so i rolled a 13 plus 821 oh shit bunkalchi seems pure of heart uh gago not so much gago seems like he might be a chaotic evil and just kind of like really annoyed with the Archledge. Okay, so I will kind of like turn towards Dr. Ood and say, Oodifood, if you'll just excuse me for a moment. Certainly. Friend of friends. And I'll turn to Dr. Ood and be like,

I think the little fella is just exactly what he says he is. I think he's just one of those little donkey land dudes who wants to fuck it up with fighting. But he's on our side. Alright, got it. Thank you for your service. Hey, back at ya.

Did you see that bird behind that screen? Yeah, hi. Gathering that you're all talking about him extensively, Bunkle Chi says well I'm happy if you'll join me by the scales of my hobbit

I will be honorable to my word you simply tell me what you need of me I am here to slay evil that's up to our charming leader Ronnie Yen. Ronnie, we have something important to discuss. You're a monk,

but I don't know what your weapon of choice is. What do you think Ronnie likes to fuck shit up with? I have an arm blade. An arm blade? Yes. Alright, now what's super cool about an arm blade is you can do flurry of blows.

Giant blade sticking out of your head. You guys see Umbrella Academy's new season. There's some cool shit that Sam knows what I'm talking about. Ronnie, what do you think? Are you ready to take on the mantle of leader of this ragtag crew? Yes. If he is wrong, people, he shall go down. Besties!

I can already tell that Ronnie is going to love Friar Jolly very much. Well, Gago nods and rolls up the map. Earl, if you guys want to sketch a version of this or whatever, you're more than welcome to. I'll let you see it again, but that's where I'm going first. We're going to go ahead and sail east and try to dodge this ghost ship. Although, Winifred, it sounds like you kind of want to see it or some shit. Well, it would make a magnificent story. I wonder what the motivation of these ghosts and their ship might be.

I just feel like there might be something there, really something at the core of who they are and the choices that they're making. Listen, lady, in my experience, ghosts just want to make more ghosts. It's not very complicated. Sir, I don't like your tone. I don't like yours.

But I will rise above it. Here we go. I say we head towards the caves and try to avoid the boat as much as possible. But if we run into it, then we deal with it. I just want to get a peek. Is that so wrong? I just wanted to take a peek at it. It just seems dangerous.

If only that was what I love. I didn't think for you to be so cowardly or whatever word you would use to describe not thinking. He said it seemed dangerous i'm simply saying that i've held this this bird up as a as a paragon of bravery and maybe you missed it i said i love danger oh he said he loves danger all is well oh my god the chaos uh in this group isn't is very enjoyable well on that note gago begins uh to fly towards the the wheel of the ship and and steer it east as you weirdos uh brian is in character in the chat

uh and and yes you all you all begin to sail east and perhaps you will have a story about a ghost ship um but before we get to the next episode sam what do you think happened in this one in the first episode of our new season uh we're on a ship in some barrels we met our new gang of heroes ronnie and some beautiful birds and a note taking theater woman and a friar. Then I cannot wait to hear more from, we got a map. Things are a little darker here. Now shit's all fucked up.

We got a magic castle. That's harder to get into than the one in Hollywood, which is a very specific reference. We're considering teleporting. And we met a wonderfully named man named Bunkle Chi. And my heart is full because as Winifred said, there are a lot of birds on this ship. And a friar, we're worried. Hey, Blaine, what do you think is going to happen next week?

On the next Nerd Poker, Ken says, ouch! Sarah says, are you okay? Brian says, shut up, I'm trying to sleep. All this in a tribute to Shen Yun from The Flaming Lips, live from Machu Picchu with special guests Jeff Dunham and Kissinger. All on the next Nerd Poker. Kissinger. That guy can't read the room.

Hi. I'm going to be performing at the sackyard brewery on friday in sacramento and i've got another special series of shows coming up where i'll be opening for mr brian posain for four shows would you like to talk about that brian oh good you're doing it yeah i thought i told you i told you like three times nah i i don't think i got a confirmation you're no i i said i'm for sure in and you're you're just scared because i bailed on opening for you one time because i'm a coward yeah it scared me derrick derrick sheen just burned me too so uh're not burning you. We're terrified of the plague of the 21st century. That is all that's happened. All right.

So Dan Telfer and I are going to be at the American Comedy Company the weekend of San Diego Comic-Con down there in San Diego in the Gaslight District. Gaslamp? Gaslamp.lamp but I love going for the gaslight joke so dumb but it'll be great

Doug Benson's coming by Friday night second show to do a little bit of a he's gonna Benson it up I'm pretty sure and I'm gonna be at the image booth on Saturday at comic con. Not sure the number, but image is usually right there in the middle next to all the other comic

book companies, which is why that come that con started in the 1800s. But I've been going there since 95. Remember Ken? Yeah. And you quit, you quit a while ago. Have you been,

has it been 10 years? 2000 was the year I stepped off. You went to a bunch. Yeah. But it just got too crowded after X-Men. I kept going even after you, I remember you telling me, I think this is going to be the last one.

I think we were at the Hilton bar or the Marriott bar. And you were like, I'm wrapping this up. I'm not done. Yeah. Too many, too many people. But I still go and, you know, I've got books to plug in. And I have my nerdy son, uh, roads there that loves, uh, shopping there. So I'm probably going to be down a couple of, couple of hundred bucks by Saturday.

Um, I guess that's it. Oh, I've got Appleton, Wisconsin this week. If you if you hear that this week and then other tour dates on BrianBassine.com. That's where Houdini was born. That's not true. That is that you go to the Houdini Museum there. Houdini the rap band? Freaks come out at night. Freaks come out at night. Freaks come out at night. I grew up in Wisconsin. They made us go there as a field trip once. It's where he went. They made you or you went after school every

day because you loved it so much. Yeah, I got to go. Were you a magic kid? No, no, no. You were way too cool. Magic the Gathering. It's where he was born and did all his magic badly then moved and changed his name. They take a tour and they're like,

here's the river he almost drowned in because he couldn't get out of the box. It's great. It's like a whole bunch of his failures and then he gets better in a different city. It's really scary too because... Freaks come out at night. Freaks come out at night. Quick amends. Freaks come out. I will be

doing that show at the Sackyard Brewery on Thursday, July 14th, not Friday as was previously stated. Hey, I'm in Sacramento. Please come see me. Thanks for supporting us as you do and

stick around for season five, man. I think Dan's got some fun things planned and uh should be a good one uh we appreciate your listenage cheers thanks for listening to another episode of nerd poker you can follow us at patreon.com slash nerd poker and you get bonus episodes from there and you can also uh send us anything at p.o box one six zero six nine encino california nine one four one six thanks for listening