Nerd Poker - S5E10 Into the Castle

Episode Date: September 13, 2022

The massive city-castle looming large, our heroes approach from the cliffside. What Telfer-esque horrors loom inside? Probably something with too many fingers that breathes magma. Listen, and find out!  For merch, social media, and more be sure to head to nerdpokerpod.com. And for 3 bonus episodes a month and more, subscribe to our Patreon at patreon.com/nerdpoker.

Hey everybody, I'm Brian Poussin, Comedian, writer, actor, nerd. I've been playing D&D with my friends for a long time. I decided to do a new podcast where we play Dungeons & Dragons in my very own dining room. With my wife, kid, and my noisy dogs. So meet my friends... Sarah Kev Dan

Blake Chris Now it's time for another episode of Brian Pulsain's Nerd Poker. Hey, it's Billy. Season five. Hey, everybody. I'm Brian Pulsain. You're listening to Nerd Poker, my TV show in your brain.

It's episode nine. Actually, it's ten but who's counting last week was nine don't be an asshole uh my friends are here chris is here look at him god if you could see his face right now he doesn't know what's going on like we're already off the tracks i'm worried that you're yelling you're calling yourself an asshole brian. Brian Paulson is not an asshole. Yeah, if anything, Brian Paulson is not an asshole. Pablo Picasso, though, was the... I don't know if you know that. Dan Telfer's here.

Hi, Brian. How are you? Yeah, I'm good. Yeah? Yeah, sure. I are you? Yeah, I'm good. Yeah? Oh. Yeah, sure. I'm glad you're good. Remember that time that we drove home from San Diego together like three weeks ago?

I do remember that time. Yeah, we listened to some hip hop. Yeah. My son really enjoyed when you played your own material in the car. I played my own material because I refused. You told me to perform my material. You wouldn't do the bit. I had too much respect for Rhodes and Melanie

to do it. That was great. Still thinking about it. Ken's here, everybody. Hi! Elvis was a racist. I've heard that. He's the hero to most. Straight up motherfuck him and John Wayne Sarah's here

Hi Hey how are you I'm okay how are you Good I'm good Blaine I went over to John Wayne's house He answered the door and address

That's not a real bit Are you doing a bit Or is that a true story to John Wayne's house. He answered the door and address. That's not a real bit. Are you doing a bit or is that a true story? That's from Repo, man. Oh, shit. We were just talking about that. Yeah. I missed that one.

Sam's here. Hello, sweet children. Isn't Brian Paulson Meatloaf's name in Fight Club? God hope not i think it is i think you're right oh man now it's getting creepy can we go back and change it i don't didn't write it do you think i wrote fight club and i dress like this you wrote fight club why are you dressed like don't talk about it this is how the toilet rat thing started. No, I'm saying I didn't. You got a toilet rat just like Sarah? I think it's nice to... Look, the guy wrote Fight Club.

He's got all his money. He's still helping us out. Robert Paulson. Okay. His name was Robert Paulson is what... That's what I'm thinking of. Brian's playing me off with gibberish.

What do you want from me? Getting the hook at the Apollo. The most chaotic opening we've had in several episodes. Well, he has that Blues Brothers thing behind him and now I can't get the Blues Brothers out of my head. Every time I see him it's Please don't wait for me to finish that

Dude, go Anthrax used to use that as their stage music before they come out It was always really great Isn't it perfect? Yeah That's pretty funny.

Sorry. Yeah. Good sense of humor, those Anthrax kids and their heavy metal. Rhodes got to see them recently. And did I tell you this? Were they at the Palladium? I feel like I told this story. Yeah.

And Chuck D came out. I was going to ask you, did you see Chuck D? Because I saw a clip of that. It was fucking amazing. Rhodes' fucking head exploded. They started the song and he goes, he's not here. Is he coming out? And I go,

I've seen him before. I don't know. I really didn't know. I've seen them perform the song with Chuck D and I've seen him perform without him and he was there. I feel like I told this story before, but anyway, it was fucking so fun to watch Rhodes experience that.

Let's get into episode 10 and thanking some people. Let's do it, Brian. Hold on. We didn't get the sweet children or any of that. Oh, Sam. Hey, buddy. Hi, sweet children.

That sounded like a South Park character bye nice see he must have his shirt off there's no camera here he's a camera off shirt off guy that's Sam we wouldn't do this podcast

if it wasn't for Patreon supporters like Amarthamon's unfortunateortunate Climbing Mishap. Things happen. Thank you, Jody Freese. Thank you, Mr. G. And the G is for Gago Fan. Thank you, Big Jim's Gently Used Contraceptives. Thank you, Axelon Crane.

Thank you, Never Go Full Drow. Thank you, Crosby Stills Nash and Young Frankenstein. Thank you. The Fleck on the speck on the tail of the frog on the bump of the branch on the log

on the back of the rat in your toilet. Long way down. Deserve better than it got. Long way down. Deserve better than it got. That was, I was laughing. That was exhausting. Laughing between episodes.

You know what? I had to read it, so I'll tell you what's exhausting. Thank you, Lucky's Pool Hall. Thank you, Queep's Promiscuous Hibiscus Proboscis.

It's true. Thank you, Flap Chap McRib Wrap. Thank you, Trilly McGinnginnis thank you callum kennedy thank you bojangles thank you dan said little dinghy in season four and old dinghy in season five thank you dinghy police also thank you brian for the loving reach around. Thank you. I don't like that I said it. Thank you, Brent crying out. Thank you. Smack dab

in the middle. Smack dab in the middle. Smack dab in the middle. Thank you. PP tape NFT. Thank you, Jack Burton. Thank you, Doc Roxo. Thank you, Eric Score. Thank you, Wade Long. Thank you, Dr. Wieners thank you

poochieplex thank you sorry i use the gendered term straight man does sarah accept the role of cat wrangler thank you a chad that doesn't suck thank you fint the druid thank you sean george thank you kaya the wonder poodle and finally thank you. Iva's Masks Unlimited. Unlimited Masks. Blaine, who are those supporters brought to us by? Those supporters brought to us by Walnut Idea, walnut-based antiperspirant. Keep your trees dry. Never let them see your tree sweat.

Also by Barbizon Dough, child's school of modeling compound. Non-toxic, except maybe socially and emotionally. warm ranch doritos warm dan thank you blaine all right it's time to talk about what happened last time on nerd poker our heroes got up a cliff without it taking three episodes you're welcome listeners before them lives the expansive castle known as vindaria once native to cloddenheim now eons have passed in the feywild and it is haunted by both death and spectral green flame. We now bring you to the group that is already in progress.

All right. So you just got the cliff. Some of you took a rope. Well, one of you took a rope. I feel like Friar Jolly kind of didn't get the same flight experience everyone else did. Oh, it's fine. Everybody got to go like a fun, magical way. And then I just had to hold my ass up the rope.

magical way and then I just had to haul my ass up the rope. You do think you see in the distance your little mouse friend that you recently met in the caves just sort of like running. I'm going to pick him up. I'm a giant eagle. I'm going to go pick him up with my talons and eat him.

Oh yeah? Do a... Oh, I was going to be rolling. Okay. Well. You have an expansive castle and you see a yes in the distance very briefly. Terry running towards it and he just sort of

disappears in a speck because he's so small. You said there were like significantly sort of in front of us two towers and an unclimbable wall between them right pretty unclimbable it is very tall and i will say uh just for detail if you kind of want to head over to roll 20 you can see from the illustration castle walls are pretty high and um at the base of it it's pretty far right? It's at least a quarter mile away.

You see what looks like little boulders stacked up the side of the wall. Dan, are we talking about this thing? These towers? Tower parapets? Are they called parapet? Sure. I think that's what a parapet is. Bride are parapets.

You can really be a the map where i'm clicking we're talking about those things i think the parapet is what's between the towers but those are towers yes okay and that wall all right yeah well all right does it seem like maybe we could sneak in maybe one of those towers somehow like maybe if the wall is unclimbable are there like windows and doors and such well would you guys sort of like to get a little closer and case the joint like scout it out hey queep should you and i do an aerial thing or does it look like the sky is patrolled by monkeys on brooms or some sort of weird eye on a stick or something? Well, yeah, if you say that out loud, I believe Winifred, who is controlled by Sarah, who is being held hostage off camera at the moment, would recall with keen. I say that mildly. I'm very funny this episode. How dare you laugh painedly?

But yeah, the keen mind feet would let Winifred know there's definitely some kind of beasts that are kept there, some of which might be flying in nature. Just on the other side of this wall. Oh, right there. Yeah. So maybe we should do a search of the perimeter. See if there's a little not

usable doorway in. Yeah, if you guys fly maybe like low and away from it, just don't get close, right? Sure. I'll just have them roll a you'll get to choose stealth or

investigation check. Hmm. Alright. Let's go. Will you roll each of you? I'll do it. Investigation or stealth? Pick. Stealth.

Okay. Let's get them numbered. Oh, I... I'm going to have to use a lucky. Oh, did you roll shitty? I don't know if I have any. Oh, no. You should.

We just took a long rest, so in theory you'd be... Yeah, yeah. Okay, rolling again. Those are sucky. Okay. Stealth I'm going with. Blaine, what did you roll? 12 and 315.

Investigation. Okay. Noted. And what's the stealth we get from queep all right i i rolled two more times and the best i got was 10 all right so queep you you're kind of like cruising up and down um you feel like you unfortunately make a little more noise and draw a little more attention to yourself than you want to but but you don't notice anyone watching you okay good the fuck uh thank you future bit that scared the shit out of me um but uh yeah just basic flying back and forth you notice the base of this wall there are stacked thousands perhaps millions of skulls

millions of skulls. Dr. Uid, as you go back and forth, you fly a little closer, worrying less about whether or not anyone is keeping an eye out. But you do notice there is some kind of heavily barred gate at the base of both of these towers. The gate is about 20 feet wide. There are large metal bracings on it it and you can just tell there's some kind of bars that are keeping the door from opening uh outwards just on the other side of the

door um so if someone were to rattle them they would stop short from opening okay does it look like it would be uh possible to get in there and uh move those things or is that a bigger barbarian type job it's it would be tough to say i would say um your your immediate insight is simply that there is a door with bars i will let blaine do the intuiting here uh can i do another roll do i think sure like can i do an insight you could do an insight check sure uh 13 plus 4 17 do i think i could get those bar if i landed on those bars do i think i could slide them without being yeah like or do it by myself. I should say the steel work on the outside is not bars. It's like bracings built into the wooden door. And then the bars are on the inside of the door, on the other side of the door.

So you couldn't land on them. You could potentially take something flat, very flat, and slide it through the doorway and make contact with the two large wooden bars on the other side of the door um but uh beyond that or a spell that can move things you're not sure okay and i would say both of you like as you report back to the rest of the group feel like you should make note that there are thousands, perhaps millions of skulls lined up on the bottom of the wall. Oh, yeah, the skulls.

Gathered up around either side of both gates as well. That seems important. Well, as I look at the map, there's also a little village just north. Like, if this place seems like death central. little village just north. Like, if this place seems like death central, let's see, you know, there's some buildings and stuff just

north. I don't know. Maybe there's some way there's, like, villagers that work inside the castle? I don't know. This way seems pretty dangerous, right? And we want to we can't let them see us coming.

Right? What is, what's the big hole above us? So ahead to the north, which is a little farther away from the castle, there is some kind

of large pit. You see it on the map which you got on gago's boat from another character who is not currently with you but it is this hole is at the end of a cliff this the cliff um that's represented on the map doesn't really start until a little bit north of here so you do see a straight line ahead towards the castle wall but if you were to angle yourselves a little bit north of here so you do see a straight line ahead towards the castle wall but if you were to angle yourselves a little more north a cliff face leads a long time north and then there's what looks like a large

pit from where you are I don't want to go in there you must Ronnie what do you think you're a master sneakateer. Looking at the map right now. Where are we on that? You're on the ledge next to it.

Yeah. I'll scoot your tokens a little bit just so you can see, because you did all kind of make it up onto the cliff face. Where did Terry scurry? What direction did he go in? He kind of went north around this corner over here. Maybe he knows something that we don't, that we could maybe find a way in up around here,

in between these walls or something. Is there brush? Is there a way for us to move unnoticed north then? Or is it all... Wide open land. You think if there's anyone in the towers they could definitely see most goings on in the the big field to the northeast of the castle in addition to that you guys were um queep dr ewood scoping out pretty close to the ground you didn't get a

good look at the top of the towers to see if there were any sentries or lookouts or archers. Figure that out. Well, do we like the idea of seeing where that little rat boy went? Little Terry. Yeah, but I thought Terry's not doing the adventure with us. Yeah, you're not going to find Terry, but... No, I think

Blaine had suggested, though, that maybe he knew something we didn't in terms of where he went. Yeah, a way in or something. Okay. Yeah, he seemed to be a mouse with a purpose. I'm open to that, but we also should check the surroundings out and see

if we're safe from high above. See if we're safe from high above. See if we can see snipers. And those towers? Yeah. If you want to scope out the towers, you'll have to let me know how. Do we know anything about the little town entry

area next to the... No, Gago did not inform you guys about it. I would say Dr. Uid and Kweep, just basic knowledge of Clottenheim, Winifred would know this too. There used to be villages of just happy

sun elves that all lived around the castle, but something dark appears to have happened to them over the ensuing eons. Oh, so it doesn't necessarily seem like people live there so much as lived there it looks a little overgrown on the map you notice the village yeah it looks almost like there's tangled vines in fact you can notice sean bryant who did an excellent job on the level of detail on this thing. When you zoom in, there's there's like brambles and it's kind of rougher grass around the buildings.

I mean, does everybody agree that, like, we got to be quiet for as long as possible? Because as soon as they find out about us, there's going to kill us, right? It doesn't seem promising. Yeah. Well, another way we could there, it looks like there's a couple different entrances potentially. There's one right, you know,

here, there's some kind of big building, seems like behind one of the towers that has a doorway on it, maybe we could sneak in there. But that only gets us into this skull courtyard, right? Yeah, it's like the outer castle. Yeah, we want to get to that sweet end meat. Dan, can we see this?

There's this other, seems like a large gate here that i'm clicking can you can we see that at all from where we are uh not too much you do see there is sort of like a thicker part of the wall just with your own eyes on the map you definitely note there is a large structure built into the wall there with what looks like a gate the gate on the map seems to imply a gate a little bit larger than the ones that Queep and Dr. Uwe had spotted at the bottoms of the towers, but you can't directly eyeball it.

You're going off the map. Got it. Queep and Dr. Uwe just kind of did a sweep of that length of the wall. Call it a Queep sweep. Queep sweep! Queep sweep! Queep sweep! If you don't follow us on Patreon, you may not be familiar with our Quiplash bonus episodes where Blaine congratulates every Quiplash with Quik-a-Quik-a-Quip-Lash.

We also say Cum Bazooka a lot, so chime on in on that one. And Answee. Well, Answee. There's this kind of gate here. I mean, all this shit's gonna be guarded like crazy. Everything looks like a problem. It's all a problem. We need to solve

this problem. I would say at this point, Winifred also chimes in and remembers Gago had suggested this as a potential in through scouts of his because the gates, however guarded they might be, he thinks there's very few soldiers based around this part of the castle. He got the intel that this might be a good place to sneak in based off of lack of activity. Copy that. All right. He got the intel that this might be a good place to sneak in based off of the lack of activity. Copy that. All right. So then it's either a door in one of those towers or maybe this door here.

I don't know what it looks like. Sort of like a big barn. Yeah. What do people think? You want to get closer and see which door looks deserted or. Yes. Hey, can I ask? see which door looks deserted or yes can I ask have we seen any sort of any sort of

inhabitants of this castle any sort of guards or patrols or of use or use yeah sure they're both the gates at the bottom of the towers you did seem to notice pretty fresh just divots dug into

the path about like it looks like some creatures were let out by humanoids that's about the most you notice in your flyby so it looked like there were like humanoid footprints and creature footprints that you didn't recognize without close examination okay but no we can't see people like on turrets or on balconies and windows. Nah, I had you guys flying low because you were trying really hard not to catch anybody's attention. Okay. So,

you can go up to the wall, but I'm going to say this is like, as opposed to you guys scouting, this is like either a group track where you have to call out, you're doing it solo again, and then this time I would check back in with the group who's kind of hanging out because we're talking about hanging out in the same place for quite a long time.

You want to sneak up there? Yeah, let's get in there. I'll do it. So yeah, you guys are all going to sneak. Go inside. Let's get a group stealth check. Can I give guidance to everybody?

Sure you can. Uh-oh. 11 plus 3, 14. That's probably... I said my stealth was 14! You can add a D4 to it

if you want. Alright, so I got... I got an 8. Okay. I got a 12. Well, if you got less than a 10, you definitely

kicked rocks on the way up, and you all feel this really ominous vibe as you all try to way up, and you all feel this really ominous vibe as you all try to sneak up, and the clacking noises echo off of the tall wall, and the walls of the castle loom so high they almost seem to warp as you walk close to them. There. There's vampires?

What do you mean vampires are these guys they're all undead right are they vampires or are they more just like smart zombies um you're not sure

actually even Dr. Uwud and Kweep aren't completely sure what the whole population's deal is none of you have faced one of these soldiers in combat unlike the castaway cuties you did uh these these elves are undead um at least the wizards are liches they have done research in order to prolong their lives. And it is meant that they have committed blasphemous spells to themselves that allow them to live on and be undead. That's just the magic users. You're not sure why all the soldiers are undead. You're not sure if it's vampirism or some sort of zombie spell or some third thing that comes from witches.

But yeah. Alright, well let's get up there. You make it to the base, and I'm going to say, based on the fact that you're coming from near the southeast tower, that once

you get up there, you are close to that southeast tower. And this is the one that they were looking at that seemed like if you slid something thin in there, you could maybe lift the bar? I mean, yeah, you guys if you, you know, walk over towards the gate, I'm saying you're kind of close to

it, right? Like, you think you'd see that door again and say you're all walking up to that door? Close. Let's not get so anybody around the door could see us from the inside. So you'll kind of like stick close to the wall, scoot close. Does that sound right to everybody? Yeah. Okay. Absolutely. Those of you who rolled lower stealth rolls, I would say accidentally take a couple of skulls as you go.

Ah! Scared me. Want a skull or a stealth from all of us? No, no. I'm just using your old ones. Oh, okay. So you get within like five feet of the door. The gate. Still close to the wall, though. You're not like facing the gate.

You're kind of trying to stay out of its range in case someone's peering through. Try and get that thing. Pick that lock or whatever. Yeah, what do we have? Doesn't anybody... Like a sword? We can slide a sword under this.

You don't have any thieves amongst you, or rogues, so yeah, somebody would probably be doing a sleight of hand check or some sort of physical smashy smash. Or a spell. There's plenty of spells that could handle something like this. Again, I can put the blessing of the silver flame on someone if they feel they are adept at sleight of hand. I could give them a little extra something.

I have a small bonus. Anyone else? I'm plus two. Same. Anybody else good at sleight of hand? Ronnie, are you a master of the digit work? Well, Christmas

agitation. Yeah. That's not too bad. Winifred also pipes up and says that she has Mage Hand and is reasonably good at Sleight of Hand. I roll a 22. Oh! Well, I think we know who's opening the gate.

Well, he straight up rolled, so that means he did it. He led us to it! Ronnie, you managed to just kind of get your arm blade in there, right? And you get really dexterous with it and you just kind of roll it over a few times and you hear the two wooden beams, Ronnie, just go thunk

thunk as they land on the ground inside the door. Door opens outwards. It is currently closed. It is a bit of a wide two-door wooden gate. Let's get the fuck inside. Let's go.

Yeah, come on, everybody. Okay, I'm gonna go bring the car in. Nice. I'll grab the cooler. As sneaky as we can. How do you open the door? And who opened the door? Well, it's already kind of pulling open, right? I'll go up there and help.

I'll try again, trying to be as quiet as possible. So going not necessarily super fast. Sure. Let's get a perception check from you. Friar Jolly, as you try to peer inside, as you open this gate. Okie dokie. Um, looks like a

16. You notice pretty soon after you start completing the gate opening process, there appears to be magical darkness on just the other side of this gate. Hmm.

Remember that note from that book? There's the one page. Yeah. It said if you use magic, it could wake up the animals. I wonder if it means maybe that's a trick

to spelling the magical darkness makes the animals come alive. Can everybody see in darkness? I can see in darkness. This is definitely magic darkness that supersedes any kind of dark vision. Hmm.

Alright. You're just inky black and I'd say right now unless you want to declare otherwise, Chris, Friar Jolly's only got the gate open maybe six inches. Yeah, so all I can just see is black. Well... No, I'm calling.

Uh, shoot. Did we just try to press forward and hope for the best? Well, typically these things aren't huge. What if... Ronnie, we're asking a lot of you. Maybe we can get the magic to go away. Ronnie, what if you

snuck very quietly, very carefully, like, 20 feet, 25 feet, like, find the edge of the darkness and peek out of it and see what's what? I'll fuck around.

Why don't you find out let's roll a stealth check for Ronnie 18 so Ronnie you walk up to the gap in the gate that Friar Jolly has opened for you and immediately you notice almost just like a silk

black curtain. This magical darkness just breaks off in front of you. So, Ronnie, you dip into it and slowly, five feet at a time, try to slink the ceiling for walls or

some kind of other side. Get about a hundred feet in and you feel a stone wall in front of you. The wall is still hidden in blackness though. Hmm. Uh, well I check out the wall.

It is large cobblestone. So we're talking, you know, rocks roughly the size of a toaster oven. large cobblestone. So we're talking rocks roughly the size of a toaster oven. I go around it looking for an entrance or something.

Do an investigation check with disadvantage please. So roll a choice and take the lowest. Yes. That's what Matt Barry would say. Yes! I can hear you, Clem Fandango. You feel

along the wall for a while and you find a corner. At one point, you do think you feel like a wall sconce or something and it's slimy to the touch and you move along the rock all the way to the corner. Right now, you've kind of

walked straight from the middle of the gate ahead, found a wall, moved to the right, hit a corner, but somewhere between the middle of the wall and the right corner, there is sort of a wall sconce that is slimy to the touch. Let me play swing among the stars. Slimy to the touch.

You are now in the corner of a magically darkened room alone, Ronnie. Okay. Okay. I'm going to go to the other wall that I haven't touched yet. Okay. So you're going to go to the wall or that I haven't touched yet. Okay. So you're going to go to the wall or are you going to kind of like finish the whole wall in front of you in the opposite direction?

Finish the whole thing, but the opposite direction, yeah. Okay, then let's get another investigation check with this advantage. All right. Does magical darkness snuff out a torch, basically? It just makes it useless? Yeah.

It's like going underwater. That is coated in octopus ink for visual purposes. While Ronnie's gone, I'll turn to the rest of the party and say, I have the ability to dispel magic. I'm just worried that it might set off a trap. Yeah, it's probably not a good idea. Okay. You roll the 12. Okay, so, Ronnie,

you feel along the walls and so, the right-hand wall, there are what feels like stables. Horse-sized stables. You reach through and you can reach through the top where the horses would be. You don't feel anything.

You go along. There is 20 stables uh go if you find it more slimy sconces on the both the wall where the gate is uh and the far wall on the other side but more stables to the left uh there is some sort of regular size door on the far wall left corner and just as you're about to hit the door you kind of trip over something. Just a little bit.

Something at your calf height. Uh huh. You're not sure what it is. It bumped your calf through your cloth armor. I look down and check it out. Well, it's magic. Are you going to touch it with your hands?

It's magically darkened, so you can't just see it. Okay. You're in pitch blackness. You just feel this thud against your legs. Okay, well, I'm going to move around it then. Okay. As you move around it, you hear a

at your feet. It sounds like something large fell against the floor. You make it all the way around the room. Cool. But there's no... There's about 40 total stables because it's pitch black all you could do is kind of reach through the top and feel around that there was you know empty space through the

top and there is one humanoid sized door on the far left corner wall there are a total of four slimy sconce-like fixtures in the walls. Is he... When you say he's finished the walls, does that mean he's back with us now? And he's, like, telling us all this stuff? Where do you want to end up, Ronnie? Do you want to end up back where you started outside the gate and tell everyone?

Yeah. Alright. So he reports. That doorway sounds interesting. What do you guys think? Yeah, I mean, I don't know what else. I don't know what other choice. Why don't we try

the, let me suggest, we could try the door because it seems kind of like our only option and if for some reason it's fucked, we could try the door, because it seems kind of like our only option. And if for some reason it's fucked, we can dispel the darkness, or we can maybe switch to these wet sconces. Maybe we need to light something. Sounds good. Do we try to light the sconce? I don't think we can, though, because of the magical darkness.

Do we want to maybe try to try another way into the castle, see if there's something it isn't? Because maybe if everything is covered in magical darkness, that would make sense, but maybe there's a place that isn't, you know? Oh, in another place entirely? Well, do you want to

at least see if we can get through this other door before we walk away? I say we go to the door and just crack it open at least. We can make a fun human chain as we walk through the darkness together. We can if you like. I shouldn't say human chain.

I should say entity chain. Being chain. Would you like to do that, y'all? Yes, let's. Well, if Winifred's in bunker and let's? Yes, let's. If Winifred's in bunker in, let's do it. I am in, and Winifred is also in, so if I could

find out who is on the far door end of the chain reaching for the door, just announce it and everybody, regardless, do a stealth check. Ronnie, do you want to lead us there? That probably makes sense. Sure. And then stealth, Dan, you play?

My stealth is not high, though. Nine. Bunk got a 21. We should let Bunk lead us. You got an 11? I got a 16. 18, 321.

All right, so... Yeah, you're all fanning out. As you approach the door, Ronnie, you feel that calf-high object again thud against your calves. And this time you kind of

instinctively reach your hands out to stop yourself from falling over. And Ronnie, you feel something furry between your fingers. Ew. Again, it's too dark to see? Yeah, just inky blackness magical blackness no one can see

through I squeeze um can I get a sleight of hand check yeah that's love six Yeah. That's love.

Six. So you reach into the magical inky blackness and get your hands around the furry part and you just kind of squeeze. You feel like a bony, gristly joint underneath the furry flesh. And the whole thing seems to roll onto its side for a moment, and you pull your hands away. Oh, God in heaven.

Goodness. No longer making contact. Do you describe any of this to your friends, Ronnie? We're not hearing anything from whatever he's touching? No, no sound, except for you hear Ronnie's kind of like sift, sounds like his hands are

sifting through something. Yeah, uh, tell him what's going on. Huh. Maybe, uh, this is further proof of one of the sleeping creatures that we are meant to not disturb. Right.

Can you keep leaning us towards the doorway, Ronnie? I'll try. Let's try and squeak by this thing. Alright, Ronnie, you slide your hands along the ground away from whatever the furry thing was. You get your hands up on the door. Smaller wooden door. Proper steel or iron ring kind of handle.

There's a keyhole in it. there's a keyhole in it. We could probably either need a key or some sort of lockpick as just a cursory touching of the door reveals that it's held in place a little bit. It's locked.

Yeah. Pretty sure. Locked or something akin to it. The door just kind of like goes in place like it's not going to open up when you place a hand against it, Ronnie. Sorry, I have I don't know if it's been clear that I just missed a large chunk of gameplay,

but I'm back now. We're walking through inky darkness and feeling the monsters inside. Sorry, go ahead. I know it's clear to you guys. I don't know if it's clear to anyone listening. Sorry, go ahead. I don't know if it was clear to you guys. I don't know if it was clear to anyone listening. I was going to give you the punctuated

version of this. No problem. I noticed that am I nearby? Because I do have that knock spell to unlock things. You are with everybody. You're all in the darkness together. You're doing a human chain. You're in the bottom of one of the two towers on the outside of this structure.

Okay. Well, yeah. I will catch up later about what the fuck is going on because I missed it all. But for now, I can cast if it will be helpful to you guys and just let me know. I can choose an object that I can see within range. If it's held shut by a mundane lock, it will become unlock, unstuck, or unbarred. If it has multiple locks,

only one becomes unlocked. If it's held shut with an arcane lock, the spell is suppressed for 10 minutes, during which the target can be opened and shut normally. Is this a spell? But this is the one that... Oh, yeah. Oh, you're not... Is this where we're not supposed to use the spell? We were speculating.

Uh... It does also make that really loud knocking noise that you can hear from 300 feet away. So... But you know we can do. As long as we don't use magic, we don't want to wake these fuckers up. It doesn't say anything about kicking down this motherfucking door. Whoa.

Oh, this guy, Dr. Rowland. Can I, can I, can I try to pick the lock? I mean,

I'm not a thief, but can I do a lock, a lock check? Sure. Flight of hand check. Do you have a lock pick set? Uh, I don't,

but I use tools. I do not. Does anyone have thieves tools that they can hand? I have tenure that's a rip off if we are doing a lock picking without thieves tools that is a sleight of hand check

with disadvantage I will put my hand on the doctor's shoulder and give him guidance aha so 10 and can she had a d4 uh so 10 and can i do a d4 uh yeah

that's 11 uh and hey i have elven accuracy uh whenever i have an advantage on an attack roll using dexterity intelligence wisdom or charisma i can re-roll one of the dice once does that count does this count as an attack

or no you're not attacking the lock unfortunately although perhaps in just a motivational way you're attacking the lock you're not uh rolling uh worth a shot defense Fetress. All right. So what's your total? I think it was 11. So you try to use just the basic metal objects on your person to pop it open and you just can't quite get it.

You all hear the clicking. And as you place your hand on Dr. Uid, you give him guidance i fucked it get this really bad feeling in the pit of your stomach something that you do so reflexively because you're a helper suddenly isn't very good and you can feel the magic of divination course through your fingertips as you do so um you all see through the blackness

the magic blackness that you've seen nothing through like couple dozen sets of glowing green eyes all kind of flicker to life cool okay well now it doesn't matter so I cast knock immediately

I am going to have you do Cool. Okay, well now it doesn't matter, so I cast knock immediately. I am going to have you do an insight check to see if you can pull it off before what happens next happens next. It's going to be real super instinctual. It's going to be horses. That's a 23. Ooh. So the very second you hear like a twinkle come from Friar Jolly's direction, you go, ah, fuck, we beefed it. And you cast knock in the direction of the door. Clack. So as you're just pulling away to give up unlocking the door, you hear the door unlock Dr. Uwud and you're like, oh, I did it.

Oh, right. Good job, Dr. Uwitt and you're like, oh, I did it. Oh, right. Good job, Dr. Uwitt. Although in real life, Blaine is waving at his child and I'm not sure that he's aware of what I just told him. Yeah, he's waving outside. Yeah, the door unlocks as you pull away from the door, Blaine. Oh, well, then we can go through the door, Blaine. Oh, uh... Well, then we can go through the door, right?

Everyone in the group presses hard against you and almost shoves you out of the way. Everything's waking up. Okay, well, let's... Winifred cast that spell and fucked it up! Let's get out of here!

We will discuss later. You all rush through the door and I assume slam it behind you. Yes. You start to hear a weird, loud clicking noise echoing

many times off of the walls in the room you're leaving. As you all get out you see a ring of iron keys is hung on the wall outside the door um in addition to that there are several more doors down a very long castle hallway there are small sconces on either side of the wall they don't look slimy um but there are small sconces with a magic green flame coming out of them. The hallway goes a few hundred feet down and then curves off to the right and to the left. You figure there's probably two doors on either side down the hallway.

However, you just shut the door behind you and there are creepy noises and glowing eyes on the other side of the door behind you. Grab the keys and lock the door. There'll be a sleight of hand check from Queep as he grabs the keys and tries to slip them in there. Okay. I'm going to tell you right now, you're going to be DC 10 to get it in there before something happens. Well, that was a five. So, something happens. Well, that was a five. So, something happens. Remind me, guidance was on one person, not the group, right?

I can cast it on individuals, but I have to... Does mine last? Yeah, yeah, yeah. It lasts a minute. Yeah, when it was cast on you was back when you did the scouting. Yeah, when it was cast on you was back when you did the scouting. So you're just like struggling with the key in the door like it is a horror movie. And you begin to feel a poof against the door as you're pressing your barbarian frame against it to keep it from opening. Hold the door, guys.

Can you knock this shut, Winifred? It's a good question. I don't think I can undo it, but let me just double check that. And yeah, right now, creeps are trying to lock it, but the door is just banging so much it's hard. I'm just pushing against the door to keep it closed. I'll help him hold the door. Do I know from casting a spell whether it was an

arcane lock or a mundane lock? Mundane lock. Okay. Can't stand that lock. All that's keeping you from locking it with the physical key, it seems, is the fact that the door is just shaking violently on its hinges.

Okay, well, let's all lean against the door, right? Yeah, push. Steady the door. Hold the door. Queep, I'll let you try that one more time with advantage. Something else is going to happen. It's too bad we don't have that rat kid here. He'd help us out. I'm going to say, fuck! Oh, okay.

You manage to clack, but the door is still violently shaking. You now all can just walk away from it. Watch it shake. We're safe. That was the part of the horror movie where we all back up and go, we're safe in here in this dark hallway.

And then we turn around. Pretty dark hallway, but it's not magically dark. You can see down this hallway. All right, let's keep those keys. Yes. Well, you slide the iron keys into a pouch, and we'll have to decide how you're going to proceed down this hallway inside the Castle vendaria you have made it inside on the next episode of nerding pokers

hey sam hi what do you think happened episode 10 um uh there's a ton of skulls how us there's a large pit at the end of the cliff and we're feeling bad vibes as we sneak up on the castle that's not good because there's undead people all over the goddamn place friar jolly is trying to jiggle the gate open but all i can see is deep pudding black we made it to the gate but the walls are all slimy there's horse stables if there's vampire horses i'm gonna lose my goddamn mind ronnie's in the black goop and we're either gonna have dr ewitt pick the door or friar jolly is gonna k-Aid man right through it. We just had a ton of glowing green eyes light up.

So bets are off, baby. Dr. Who had tenured the door open. We're in there's clicking and more doors and a set of keys and we're hodoring it shut. And Dan, unrelated to nerd poker, what are sconces?

They're like wall mounted candle torches. That makes sense. I need everybody to know for the last episode until now every time you've said that i've been thinking of scones delicious and dry well if you would like to see me do standing up comedy just keep an eye on my social media i am hitting the road in october and I hope you're all enjoying some delicious pumpkin spice

beverages and treats because this is the beginning of September. Oh, and it's almost my birthday. Well, that's cool. Almost happy birthday. Yes, the 14th. Hey, Brian. Yeah, yeah. Want to talk about your standing ups? Oh, Brian. Yeah, yeah.

Want to talk about your standing ups? Oh, sure. BrianBersane.com for tour dates. Got that San Francisco show at Cobb's. Can't wait. And then Arlington, Virginia. I've got... Never been there before, but I've got... What's the really cool city in Virginia?

It starts with an R. Richmond? Richmond, yeah. I've got dates in Richmond coming up. So check those out. And comic books coming soon. I'm working really hard on a bunch of books at once.

That's why I'm a sleepy peepy. All right. That and the drugs. Dan, any dates? Oh, I just did my dates. All right. That is the drugs. Blaine's what's next week.

We attribute the success to save mankind. Thanks for joining us on this episode. You got walls and a roof. On the next episode of Nerd Poker, Chris has a thing. Ken is out of town. Sarah is dealing with family. Dan is also out of town. Sam is going to see Fish or the National or Father John Misty or some shit.

Who knows? Brian is asleep. All this and we program a Tesla to do open mics on the next Nerd Poker. Thanks for listening to another episode of Nerd Poker. You can follow us at patreon.com slash nerdpoker and you get bonus

episodes from there and you can also send us anything at p.o box one six zero six nine encino california nine one four one six thanks for listening