Nerd Poker - S5E11 Halls of Horror

Episode Date: October 4, 2022

As the crew ventures into the outer walls of Vyndarea they begin to realize how old (and weird) the denizens are. But when in doubt, set it all on fire. For merch, social media, and more be sure to head to nerdpokerpod.com. And for 3 bonus episodes a month and more, subscribe to our Patreon at patreon.com/nerdpoker.

Hey everybody, I'm Brian Poussin, Comedian, writer, actor, nerd. I've been playing D&D with my friends for a long time. I decided to do a new podcast where we play Dungeons & Dragons in my very own dining room. With my wife, kid, and my noisy dogs. So meet my friends... Sarah Kev Dan

Blake Chris Now it's time for another episode of Brian Poussaint's Nerd Poker. Hey, it's Billy. Season 5. Hey, everybody. I'm Brian Poussaint. How are you? You're listening to my show, Nerd Poker, here. We're on our 20th year of the podcast. We used to just podcast it

to each other. And then podcasting became a thing that people said it actually did. And I don't know where I'm going. But anyway, 20 years. We got a cake here. It's all good. My friends are here. It's a regular episode. Episode

11, if you're counting. And 45, if you're not. Blaine's here. Hi, Brian. Hey, Blaine. It's 45. What's up, Blaine's Oak? Chris is here. Brian, happy 20th anniversary. Good to see you, my friend. Friar Jolly, if you're nasty.

That's right. Cleep's here, everybody. Hello, how are you? I started this game as a young girl straight off the bus from Kansas City. I remember. You were beautiful. Pretty young thing. YT. Now look at me.

Sarah's here, everybody. Hi. How are you? I was so excited about cake. You said the words cake, and I was like, you were like, we have cake. And I was like, we do? And I was like, wait a minute. We're not even in the same room get it together i know when i heard people don't have cake anymore that's well they have it by themselves but

no one shares cake since the quarantine that's the biggest thing the biggest loss is cake look at if you look at pictures of us from the we were playing in Sark's apartment, you guys all do have adorable baby faces. Everybody is so tall. Everyone's skin is so lotioned. Yeah, we all look great. We would just have whiskey and cupcakes. Pat would bring 40 cupcakes

for the five of us. Yeah, it was ridiculous. Giant cupcakes. They're the size of a baby's head. Yeah, it was ridiculous. Giant cupcakes. They're the size of a baby's head. Yeah, they're really good. Yeah, you'd have half of one and then you'd have to shove your pancreas back up your asshole with a broomstick. And then I'd have to shit at Scott's again.

And that was now good. Yeah, that was my favorite part. In the dining room. Scott is sark, everyone. And then we would go to the Kentucky Fried Chicken up the street to make it worse. In the dining room. Yeah. Scott is sark, everyone. Yeah. But when the... And then we would go to the Kentucky Fried Chicken up the street to make it worse. It is great.

I don't understand. All those Wednesday night shits you had to smell. No one deserves it. It doesn't need to be a gender thing. No, I'm not saying gender. I'm saying it's you personally, how fragile you are. I am very fragile. It must be a lot. I'm a glass. He personally how fragile you are I am very fragile I am made of glass

sorry about all the diseases he definitely brought to the broken toilet that you had to walk up to we were all eating like trash and we were showing up with Subway or KFC and then drinking and then also eating

multiple cupcakes for five hours. Dan's here, everybody. Hi, Brian. Hey, buddy. How are you? You know, I know you couldn't make it. I had a little outdoor birthday get together a little while ago. And Steve Agee was telling me about how he recently went to a little kid's birthday party.

about how he recently went to a little kid's birthday party and when the little kid blew out all the candles on their cake they could see the spit like fly out and land across the entire top of the cake and every adult just went so uh there are aspects of cake although i did have a delicious hummingbird cake for my own birthday and it was delightful i only shared it with Kaylin and none of you. And I hope to one day share cake with adults like any man child. I would watch an entire YouTube channel of ramen just eating cake. Oh, he loves cake. I bet you he does. How are you, Sam? I'm good.

Hello, sweet children. Good to see you again. And once again, Stan Winston's greatest accomplishment. I'm good hello sweet children good to see you again and once again Stan Winston's greatest accomplishment in a long list of accomplishments there he is ramen

yeah he's been extra good lately he got a check up at the vet and he is once again four years running officially fat what I'm with you, buddy. Yeah, he's so tiny. It's crazy the vet brought you

up too, which I thought was... I'm going to see my doctor tomorrow and she's going to tell me how fat I am. And go, yeah, I've been peeing the mirror for the last couple of months to tell me that. Oh, anyway. Wow. Physical humor.

Let's let's jump in. Brian, I'm going to thank some people. I know it's your show. Do I have your blessing? Oh, my God. I was just thinking that you should. OK, well, here we go i'm gonna thank patreon supporters who are in our top tour top tour top tier patreon supporting tiers they go by usernames like jamie swedler thank you jamie

jamie thank you trond thank you brayden swain thank you thank you msruzies, the bit that never fails to land. Ms. Construzies, dear God, make this horror end. Thank you, Mottled Skeleton. Thank you, Dustin Peterson. Thank you, Paquito Torpedo. Thank you, Matthew Spears. Thank you, Jeffrey Boyd. Thank you, Todd Voss.

Thank you, Giant Monsters on the Horizon. Thank you, Jonathan Mott. Thank you, Danny's Drunk Monk Kung Fu. Thank you, We're the Munchies. Thank you, Neil Wicker. Thank you, Jonathan Mott. Thank you, Danny's Drunk Monk Kung Fu. Thank you, We're the Munchies. Thank you, Neil Wicker. Thank you, Pepper Burt. Thank you, I don't know about you, but I think if I were undead,

I'd try to learn to be alive or something. Thank you, Adam Ruiz. Thank you, Eric Mon. Thank you, Ninja Slippers. Thank you, I'm sorry. Thanks for apologizing, Dan. Thank you, Dharma Trails. Thank you, Jonathan Wood. Thank you, Dharma Trails. Thank you, Jonathan Wood. Thank you.

And this is nerd poker quotes on Twitter. Brian Posehn said, don't do fucking stained impressions on my show, Sam. Pull that out. Thank you, Grigsby Silverskin. Thank you, Sean Bryant, the artist who drew our map and bunk. Thank you, Sarah's Weighted D weighted dice and accusation name thank you bob rob thank you david feig thank you wick rotation thank you my name is crap head mount crap head thank you steven terrell thank you clay carver thank you roland of gilead and finally thank

you ballrog total fitness hey blaine who were those supporters brought to us by? Those Patreon supporters brought to us by... AdClassic. Therapy from Milton Bradley. They took out your spare ribs for $100. Now you've got to recover. Stand for a minute and a half for $50 deductible. Oh my god! May I play? Therapy from Milton Bradley. Dan? Thank you, Blaine. It's now time to talk about what happened last time on nerd poker

jesus christ that was like a month and a half ago uh let me look in this in this book of lies uh yeah i think um one of you is uh an elf or something um alright uh i'm just winging it our heroes who do

not have a group name just yet are onslaughting the castle thing called Vindaria. Onslaughting. Onslaughting a verb I just made up in that way. Was it already a verb? It's a noun. And then onslaughting kind of, like, actionifies it. So what I'm saying is, our heroes made it through a strange guard creature room using magic on accident.

And then, using knock, popped a door open, got on the other side, locked that shit behind them, and lo, an indoor hallway leads them into the bowels of Castle Thing Vindaria that they're onslaughting. So, that will bring us up to speed. If y'all have any questions, I do believe it has been 30 plus days since we have visited this adventure, and I am happy

to play a narrative sharer of sorts. Hello. How are you? I'm enjoying a nice coffee in an authentic Polish mug. Hmm. How are you? I'm enjoying a nice coffee in an authentic Polish mug. Hmm. What kind of coffee you got there? You got a French press?

From Temple Coffee. Oh, okay. Oh, you know, we do slow drip over in my house, Brian. We grind it. That was my nickname in high school. Slow drip? Slow drip!

I hear it was also your nickname when you used to gather at to play nerd poker and Sarah would have to walk in after you were done um yeah I do the old slow drip and a little bit of foamed oat milk cafe au lait style Brian

nice that sounds delicious you're delicious ooh they're using the voice Nice. That sounds delicious. You're delicious. Ooh, they're using the voice. I like the way you're talking back to the voice. This is no bueno. Let's jump in and play some D&D.

Oh, you don't like it when we completely abandon the story, Brian, and things go completely off the rails and sexy? Hey, Dan, what's the voice wearing? Right now, I'm wearing some Vans Off the Wall shorts. No, no, not you. The voice.

Oh, oh, oh. Right now, I'm wearing some Vans off the wall. Yeah, you guys are in a hallway. There are heavy gray stone bricks along this hallway. It's a very narrow hallway leading into the castle. You know, from looking at the larger map, there's some kind of monstrous beast stable directly to the north of this hallway that you're in and you kind of came in through a castle turret this castle turret led you to what seemed like a guard creature area um and you know like okay if i go to the right that's north and

somewhere that way not sure if it's going to happen the first door i open but there's some kind of monster beast stable these monsters sound like they're very large meant to protect the entire castle a little disturbing um and there are doors to your left and right so you would kind of like bearings wise be like straight ahead that is the bowels of the castle the keep of the the arch lich um but you can see the hallway goes straight and doors right left doors right and left and then it kind of curves there's a weird curve to the hallway to the right and left where it continues in those directions uh you're guessing as it curves to the right it's kind of going past and beyond the stable north.

So it's not necessarily like when you feel like if you go that far to where the hallway curves, you will no longer be headed towards the stable. Curving to the left, you're not sure exactly how far that hallway is going to go. But you're also aware like there's not a lot of southern castle that you've really planned out. a castle that you've really planned out. It kind of heads towards the, the, the Southern center where there's a giant skull on the map. Um, you're not sure that's a little more. You say,

and it had where the hallway kind of curves in both directions. There appears to be sort of in the middle, stopping the hallway from going straight, some kind of blackened organic shape. But it's about, we'll say, 150 feet away. So it's a little hard to make out exactly what this blackened organic shape is. It's not moving, but it doesn't appear to be gray cobblestone like the walls. And again, there are sconces along the wall on either side that emit a green magic flame

lighting the hallway in a pale green light. Gotcha. Is this going to be a black dragon of some sort? Do an insight check, Dr. Ewood. Yeah, can I get a dragon vibe from it? I'm a druid. And you're muttering this to yourself out loud. Yeah, good, good.

Nine and four. It's 13. Whatever it is, it's not moving. And you're like, okay, well, maybe it's a black dragon thing, but it might be unlikely just because it would have to be like the dragon's head or foot's kind of poking through the wall oh yeah i thought it could maybe be like some sort of body leaning up against an opening or something it's a narrow hallway it's like it's like a five foot wide hallway and like as the hallway goes it does widen do we have a map for the hallway or do

we only have the large map for the map um i will sketch you a map and i will hold it up to the camera why i'm having such difficulty visualizing yeah yeah i'll do my best to sketch this in a way that doesn't give away everything because i do have like a sketch that i can't show you so this will be zoomed in a little bit don't think of it as like standard roll huh well listen brian i prefer you wait until you see my map to decide whether or not it looks like the idea of him like spending like a minute and a half carefully sketching something and then just like holding up all right you gotta gotta make the veins look organic uh well you know uh uh well while dan's talking about this, you know, Brian, I went to see Dune, the new movie.

Oh, yeah. With all of those Bene Gesserit. Yeah. But I missed the whole second hour. I was down in the bathroom with shaving cream. Horrible shaving cream. I must have had food poisoning because i shaving cream my pants all right so uh let me know if you can see that i'm gonna turn my

turn my green screen effect off to make sure you can my book doesn't disappear um one second, folks. I don't have another one of those lined up. No worries. I'm done. Um, so does it, can you read the North? Yeah. Or is it backwards? It looks like underpants. Where are we, Dan, on this?

Oh, I can look like so many things. So imagine the arrow pointing that way that you're down that way. No. What are you doing? No, don't do that. There's nothing impossible to make a non-body part match. Yeah, if it hadn't been said, who knows if you would have thought it. Ken said it.

Dan, there's a WebMD link up on your screen. In the interest of... Switch it back. Listen, let's come back to the jokes. there's a web MD link up on your screen. If you could switch it back. Listen, let's come back to the jokes, but just to be clear, because I don't think anyone actually knows what's going on.

I don't. There's doorways. This hallway continues this way. You're down this way. We're over. This is where it forks. So it should point to where we are. Are we on the stain?

Draw a big smile. I tried to draw an arrow to point to where you are. This is, you guys are in this direction. Okay. That's where we're by the bottom. That's pointing to where you are. You guys are in this direction. That's where we're headed. An arrow pointing to where we are. That's just a bad UI.

And the splotch area is the thing you're talking about, right? So now there are little circles that represent you. You're farther down the hallway, though. This hallway is long. Okay. As it continues, weird black organic shape but the hallway seems to continue to the right curve to the right and left got it okay that does that help

i mean the shape is not moving or anything it's just a big black thing or actually you can just take a take a picture so i'll take a photo and i'll send it so we can post it on the internet for everybody and they can laugh at imagining my finger going in and out the hallway, which is what everyone was laughing at, Chris. Yeah, he was doing dirty things. While you were being like normal. Well, you're normal and respectful. Everyone was having a good laugh, Chris. I'm just imagining the listener at home listening to all this and going, what in the hot fuck is happening?

I think there's a significant portion of listeners who are like, oh, a map. It's going to look like a cock and balls. I hope they make fun of it. This time it didn't. It didn't look like it did. By the way, we got a message from Sam in the chat saying, I already took a photo of you all staring

at it in confusion. Thanks, Sam. Sorry, Sam. So basically our choice is revering right or revering left. at it in confusion. Thanks, Sam. Sorry, Sam. With his shirt up. So basically our choice is whether we get revering right or revering left

and either way we're going to encounter this black organic material. But there are doors along the way. So potentially before we get to this. Are you ready

for a mystery door? Bunk is kind of like looking over your overall map of vendaria trying to you know he's stroking his chin trying to make the most educated guess um he's like all right so i don't know that we need to go left at all unless there's some sort of secret surprise or we're trying to collect resources uh if you look at the map of the entire evil castle there is some sort of summoning circle at the south gate uh which is going to have something but that's still probably quite a travel for where we are if we want to head directly to the liches

keep i think what we want to do is see see in the stable how there's like a big building i think we want to keep going inside the wall and then go north and that'll be headed towards the witch's keep it might be even a shortcut okay so you're saying that we should head right i mean that's just my opinion as an abyss dropper of donkey land. And he bows. He's an abyss dropper, Fred. Oh, I will bow back. Oh, Friar Jolly, the respect is mutual. Huzzah!

Right choice! Very corny and just like wholesome raises his sword doesn't care if the rest of you are as into it as him and Friar Jolly might be in a moment I nod at him and smile doors? let's check some doors I do think it could be wise to at least

see if there's maybe something that could help us. I don't want to be greedy, but you know. Is there one on each side? One to the right, one to the left, Dan? Is that right? Yeah, like this was kind of a truncated map. There's actually a little more doors than that.

I just didn't want to show you the full map. Unlimited doors. There's one door on the left and two on the right. And which wall faces the outside or inside of the...

The left is a door that sort of faces the wilds outside of the castle. There might be indoors still. There might be a small room or something. The right is where the stables are. So you'd be headed towards... Let's just start listening indoors, right?

We gotta get... Maybe our group name is The Doors. You know what I'm saying? It's like, we gotta get going. Come on, come on, come on now. Okay. Checking at the door. I'm listening to the closest door. Winifred, the closest door is on your right.

Please do a perception check as you press an ear up against it. I will put my hand on her shoulder and give her guidance. I wish you would. Does that mean a D4? That adds a D4 to her roll, right? Yeah, to an ability check yeah

that's oh my god the picture of chris trying to look at this map is i know i'm gonna yeah we got a 11. uh all right so um you hear just very faint squishing sounds okay yeah okay squishing all right let's try the next you and the map in the room hmm i feel like let's uh let's try moving yeah yep squishing sounds bananas be yummy banana what if it's a room full of bananas you say yeah yeah intriguing idea why don't you open the door they're mashing them for banana pancakes squishing sound fuck all right creep on a banana no i don't want to go maybe it's some sort of food supply for whatever's in the uh

i'm trained in foley work and i can identify this squishing sound oh yeah well i'm trained in kevin mcdonald work and i'm gonna check this next door oh you rolled low on on the perception check if you want you don't have to keep spending time in the store

you can roll an insight check to try to make sense of the squishing. I'm literally just reporting to everybody else because we got to start. I'm just like squishing at this door and move on to the next door. Great. I want to make sense of the squishing. Okay, he's going to make sense of the squishing. Queep, roll an insight. Winifred, are you going to go to the door on the left or

the second door on the right? The second door on the right. I will give her guidance. 23 on insight queep it sounds um sounds like a butcher shop so 18 on the next uh reception second door on the right yeah you hear uh quiet it sounds like moaning we got squishing we got moaning this place is crazy it sounds like there is uh somewhere hottest club in new york somewhere around a dozen voices moaning with an 18 okay i report that to the group like a like a lot like a group human or animal or uh 18 it's humanoid okay and and the uh in this black uh this black uh organic thing is not moving or responding to us at all as to us as you

start heading down the hallway towards these doors you notice it is a blackened, dead tree that is filling the intersection in the hallway. Interesting. Okay, so I'm just reporting, and I go to the final door to do my report. Guidance. Perception check. Oh.

Alright, someone else might want to... Oh no, actually that turned out... And you have guidance on that too. Yes, and guidance. So, it's a 15. Silence. Hey, Dan. Silence. Sorry. Blaine! Dan, hi. I'm a druid. I was wondering if I could maybe put my hands on this tree and try to

grok and spock it if you know what I mean. Do a little tree milled with it. Can I do something like that? Can I do like an insight or something? Well, I will let you choose one of three things. You can do a nature check and get a nature-y answer an insight and get an insight answer or

you can look at your spell list and tell me if there's like a certain magic response you want to get out of this little little experience because sometimes druids do have stuff like that uh not me i'm gonna try to uh i'm gonna try to do an insight check on it and get a vibe for it. You get to add a d4, Blaine. He was trying to give you guidance. Okay, so a plus 4 for insight and plus 4 for guidance

is 8 and a 20 is 28. Dang. Yeah. Did you roll the d4 a 4? No, I didn't roll a d4, but I did roll a 20. Let me roll a d4. 3. Okay, so it's a 23 for 27 27 because i've got you yeah uh this tree seems like it is uh centuries if not more so old it appears to have been petrified over the many years that have gone by as long dead

it seems like it was once a beautiful magic decoration that has since become stone-like and and almost featureless but it may have once had blossoms that magically decorated this hallway because this city once existed in the fey realm, is it possible this tree is from there? Is this like a fairy tree, Doctor? Hmm, fairy tree. Well, I have advantages on throws against being charmed and magic can't put me to sleep, so I'm going to guess no. Oh, alright then. You could.

I don't know how much fan... I would probably have to do an arcana check, right? Yeah, and you did roll really high. I would say you would get the impression from just like placing hands against the trunk of this thing. If you were to maybe break off a small branch, you could investigate

it further for magic. Okay, yeah, of course. it further for magic. Okay. Yeah, of course I'll do that. So do an Arcana check. You do notice as you break it away, immediately a small green bud reaches out and appears from where you broke it off.

Oh, and the green bud remains green. It doesn't. Yes. Oh, it's alive. It's alive. That's not a good one. That's five plus six, so 11.

You can add a guidance to that, a D4. Oh. Plus one. So... It seems the branch is more dead. The branch is more dead, the piece you broke off of the branch still attached to the tree where you broke it off from, there is that green bud coming out,

but it's almost like when you broke it off, it became completely dead with that, with that role of a, of what is that? 12. You can't really like observe anything more specific than that. Okay. Do I get the feeling though,

that if I broke off more, there would be more green or more healthy tree under this you get the feeling that if you broke more off more would happen and that there's definitely something about this tree that is uh more than meets the eye oh transformer all of a sudden the tree is a pickup truck none of you know what that is oh dude that's the best please tell me it's an el camino and then it turns into a boat with a face and you realize it's actually a go bot because transformers always hide the face of the robot

right go bots the go bots are just doing their best. GoBots are proud of themselves. That's why they're GoBots. Okay. Alright, I'm gonna ponder this while we check doors and stuff. Should we open the one silent door? No. No?

Should we or did we? Should we? Sure. Can you ask that again? There was a dog barking right there. I was asking my friends, not the dungeon master, whether we should open this door. The silent door. You can't tell me, so there's no... Yeah, this is between us. That's the wall that potentially faces outside, right? Dan, we have more actual questions for you, though. The door to the left.

Yes, it is. So, if I may, now when I flip it on its side, it looks kind of like a uterus. Yeah, that's how it looks before. This is the tree. This is the door that is silent.

The first door, the squishy noise, doesn't quite fit on this zoom-in map, but this is the door that is silent. Got it. The first door, the squishy noises, doesn't quite fit on this zoom in map. But this is the... Moaning. Yeah, this is the moaning door and this is the silent door. Why did you draw the peepee with the squirts coming out? What part is that? I can't help it. I can't help it. I can't help it.

Okay. I'm just, I'm compelled to do it. So, Friar, what do you think? You want to check the silent door? Sure, let's give it a little peek. It's one door that we're not hearing creepy noises from, so it might be one place to explore where we might actually find something without having to encounter anything. All right, let's give it a peek then. We wouldn't want anything interesting to happen.

On the air? Yeah. I'm metagaming here. Alright. So you open, you do... Check the door. What do you do with the door? You check the door? Check it. Check the trap. Do an investigation.

I think that's a Ronnie special, right? Checking for traps? Ronnie, can you check for traps? Yes. Roll that investigation check there, Ron. Yeah, watch me. Investigation. Oh, he's Cajun

Everyone it's canon Critical Nice Plus one 21 That's a good investigation It's the best It appears there is a simple mundane lock That is locked on this door okay there's no magic

that you're able to detect just from like a vibe standpoint also sorry about the tupperware it sounds like someone just knocked across open it up winnie i'm making my own zebra popcornopolis does anybody have these tools let's open it can we pick that lock I believe last time we tried to pick the lock was just like the hair pins in Dr. Ewood's pockets so if anyone's actually got a thieves kit you might want to

I have my diners club card hold on oh wait we don't need to pick a lock I can use my although it makes noise, but I can I can use I got one of those in my 20s, like way past it, but it was like, because on TV

it was like a cool thing. And I was like, oh, I got to get the Diner's Club card when I can get a credit card. Oh, man. I join the 555 number tell us about us in players club i was oh yeah cool people try nerdwallet.com this episode was brought to you by nerdwallet.com all right let's fucking pick this lock i'll pick it i can use knock but it makes a loud noise so it doesn't seem yeah i think you're trying to be stealthy per Winifred's guidance.

Okay, who has the highest sleight of hand? I have a plus six to my sleight of hand. I think I have a high one. Let me... Let's do it. I do some... It might be the highest. ...sage tricks.

I think you asked that just to say that. You might be right, but I think mine's high, too. Hold on. Oh, yeah, yours is way higher. I think mine's high too. Hold on. Oh yeah. Not yours is way higher. I just have a plus three. Go slide a hand. Winnie.

Yep. Right here. I go. Please tell me what physical object you're using to pick the lock. I won't discount anything, but it will affect if you botch basically. Um, okay.

I'm going to use my, um um disguise kit that i have okay so use your disguise kit maybe um because there's like a hairpin in there and yeah yeah perfect and uh because you don't have a a kit nor are you proficient in it will you please roll a disadvantage yeah unless any of you can you guide me or does it only work once yeah i can give you guidance yeah certainly unless one of you uh somehow picks up a a lock pick in one way or another you will be rolling all lock picking with disadvantage you gotta we gotta get one guys or we gotta get ourselves a thief somewhere otherwise yeah you'll be relying on the spell knock, which is useful, but loud. So with the guidance, unfortunately,

it's going to be in the disadvantage. The best I can do is a 12. Yeah, you managed to get it open. It takes a solid like two minutes. Winifred looks shocked, but also somehow not surprised. Very proud of herself. All hail the Silver Flame! Thank you for the guidance.

What was the guidance roll? Three. You get the distinct impression you wouldn't have been able to do this without Friar Jolly's help. I give him a small bow. I bow back. Deeply. The door is now unlocked? Oh, it's behind the door.

Is it a zonk? A zonk? Are you opening it? I guess I opened the door, yeah. Already an attack, just in case. Okay. Noted. The door creaks open, much like my old office chair.

And inside, there is what appears to be a statue? It is an elf. Human elf. Humanoid sized. Regular sized elf. It is frozen in place. It is wearing simple garb. And its hands up are in a defensive position,

and it seems to be made entirely of barkless wood. I still thought you were going to say gummy. It is a small closet-sized room. There is dust all over the walls and floor. And what looks like a small pile of. It's unclear. It's very dusty, but a pile of what looks like cloth or objects in the corner, but it is a small closet. Friar Jolly's got opinions.

I'm seeing very. Which way is the sort of the petrified elf facing? Like, is it facing us? Oh, he's facing the doorway. Facing it as if as if, uh, like something right where you're standing put him in a defensive position at some point. But he is frozen

in place and appears to be made of barkless wood. And the pile of whatever? Almost as if carved. Where's the pile of whatever? Um, in the back right corner. It looks like... Do an insight check, Queep. Alright.

And this will be the only insight check I allow without somebody either getting closer or touching it. 24. 24. Looks like some folded up clothes and pocket-sized objects, perhaps personal effects, are piled on top of it chunky dust and

cobwebs obscure exactly what it is but you think you see a pouch uh maybe something that looks like a fork and maybe some coins on top of three to four pieces of clothing that have been neatly folded i will give you that because you rolled very high you don't want to actually touch it is that the well i just wanted no i just didn't touch it um we'll speak i don't like the looks of this at all we'll speak with the dead work on this statue thing do i do i think it will um i'll let you either know that i can't tell you or that you can just try or that you can roll an insight check first i guess i'll roll an insight check because i'm unclear about whether he's dead or

um that's a seven you have no, but you're curious. All right. I will attempt it, I guess. I'm going to try to grant the semblance of life and intelligence to the corpse of my choice. It does fail if it was within the last 10 days, but all the cobwebs seem to indicate that it might not have been so. Okay. Are you Swedish, Sarah? I lived in Minnesota for a long time. Oh, there you go

Yeah I was going to say I'm a quarter Swedish That sounded familiar My grandma used to say Ufta Oh yeah it's a very Ufti Magufti I never got a Minnesota accent Thankfully but I Clara Peterson

Very Swedish Are you saying oh I don't know? You're a rascal When I moved to Minnesota I had a very thick Philadelphia accent Clara Peterson. Very Swedish. Are you saying, oh, I don't know? I see your asshole. When I moved to Minnesota, I had a very thick Philadelphia accent, which everyone thought was crazy. I remember I moved and people were like, why do you talk like you're an alien? Although they're like, why do you talk like I can't even do a Minnesota accent? So someone else can do it. The first time I left California.

Why do you talk like you're an alien? The first time I left California, people said I had a California accent. And I had never even thought of that. But yeah, I guess. Yeah, whatever. Totally blind. Totally tubular.

Gag me with a spoon. Alright, so oof dot. Gag me with moonsapa. I also say o oof, doc. And then I also say, Oh, when someone tries to, when I'm going past somebody, those are my two main Midwestern Minnesota things. Okay.

So I try to say both. I do not say both drives me insane. That's a Chicago. Both. My husband says both. And it really grinds my gears. That's not a word. That's not a word that's not a word now now i i hear i hear you guys are starting to get more ambitious amongst the fun chat uh i did here

at one point no no here's the thing here's the thing sometimes we all we all have fun and someone says i do this and then everyone's talking and then someone says no i do this and so i want to make sure the first thing i heard is honored and sarah you were talking about i cast the spell i didn't cast the spell nice which uh speak with the dead yeah it is it does not appear to be a dead creature when you okay well i lost the spell slot but we learned a little something today uh dan Can I detect magic in any way? Yes. You cast detect magic? Yes.

What level? Uh, as low as I can. What is it first? Yeah. Just one at first. Okay. Uh. I just want to see if it's still alive.

There is a very faint magical aura coming off of the wooden statue. There is not a magic aura coming off of the stuff in the corner. So this thing is still alive? It's still alive.

That's not what I'm saying, but that is a possibility. Well, it's not dead. There's magic on the statue. Does it look like one of the undead elves? Like, in its form and shape? Does its face look undead? Let's do another insight check. I know it's not a lot of combat roles,

but I do hope you're all finding these ability roles interesting. Oh, my God. It's great. Absolutely. Botched. Can somebody else do an insight just to look at a face? Because I botched looking at this man's face. You stare at this elf for a while and it starts to look like an Aarakocra.

Somebody else look at his face and see if you can roll not one. I rolled a 15. Investigation? Insight. I can't tell. It's an elf. You see pointy ears. It's about the height's an elf you see pointy ears it's about the height of an elf I'm getting frustrated and I cast a spell magic on it

I just rolled a 6 plus a 3 fucking lame it's better than mine did you say the spell magic? I just cast a spell magic on it any spell of 3rd level or lower on the target ends for each spell of fourth level or higher i make an ability check using my spell casting ability and the dc

equals 10 plus the spells level what's the spells level you said i can do it up to it's saying any spell of third level or lower will be dispelled if it's above if it's fourth or higher then i have to do a dc a check with the dc equaling 10 plus the spells level and what what level are you casting are you are you hoping that i'll just give you the highest level possible no i'm just kidding but like what is no it's not it doesn't i don't cast it at a different level it's it dispels based on the level of the spell but i'm trying to tell well then then I am going to have you roll a DC check. Okay, but you're not going to tell me what it is. Okay, so it's a DC 10 plus a spell's level.

Okay, so... Using my modifier. If you fail, I'll tell you what it is. Because magically, I would think you're familiar enough with your spell that you would go, oh, this feels like about this level uh 15 oh that is exactly what you needed so you cast the spell magic and very very slowly we're talking like it's you're not sure when it's going to be done you start to see um this wood begin to soften it appears the armor that it wears is beginning to take on a metallic sheen this has never happened to me before it seemed it seems this being was uh petrified somehow. Was Donna Summer in here?

Yes. Yes, Donna Summer was here. So weird. Now we just wait for him to soften. Put him in the microwave for a second. Make sure you use defrost. Soft elf. Put the microwave at half power or else you'll ruin the DNA of the food.

Okay. So you all wait in in wonder is there anything you're going to do while this is everyone too is everyone too scared to touch his stuff is that what's going on because i'll touch it so i think chris was about to do it right whatever happened happened to him from the doorway something petrified he's probably that tree right probably that ancient tree that's out there. Makes sense. Yeah. Maybe not. I think we have to wait

for him to de-petrify, right? After, yeah, I'm going to just count all this crosstalk as time passing.

So what's going on in the pile? Yeah, someone needs to look at the pile. Do you want to look at the pile before this being seems to

completely un-petrify? Who's doing it? I'll do it. I'm taking a short... Investigation check, please. Okay. While he's doing that, I'm going to regale everyone with tales of the many evil trees that I have played on the stage.

There have been the apple-throwing trees. There has been the evil stepmother tree. The moving trees in a play about a dead king and prince. I love this. Were you ever the giving tree? No, I've only played evil trees. It's something about my face that I think.

Okay. Trees. Interesting. Thanks for the truncated version of that, Sarah. 13 for my uh investigation all right uh you find a cloak a sort of sleeping bag this this cloth thing that's got buttons on it that seems to button up and become kind of like an adventuring wrap for when you're sleeping in the wilderness. There

is, it looks like a silverware set. When you kind of brush the dust off of it, it is gold. And a small pouch with something heavy in it. And a few coins. Like five silver. Gold? You don't

recognize? Wait, the gold is coins or gold is gold? There's something in a pound. The silverware has a gold sheen. Oh, got it. Solid joke in the chat. Hey, Ryan, why would you put that in the chat?

You crazy knothole. You've got to be Patreon level 12 or above to know what the joke is. Lots of secret jokes of nerd poker. I was making tree puns, but in the chat. I'm going to look in the pouch.

Okay. Inside the pouch there is a dice set. Oh. That is unbelievable. is a dice set. Oh. Hey. Oh. That is unbelievable. Bow, bow, bow, bow, bow, bow, bow, bow, bow, bow, bow, bow. So a dice set, yes? The dice are made of stone

and have runes carved in them that you don't recognize. Also, you kind of look at the silver coins, you're like, I don't recognize these silver coins coins i could probably pay for something with them but they're they're not silver coins that look familiar the being uh begins to shake his arms off uh and looks at all of you i mean you're all kind of crowded around him in this tiny little closet-sized room and he uh he says what has happened you got trump is president oh no he says you don't mean the game show host do you um so he doesn't sorry he doesn't look like one of the undead elves he just looks oh great question now that he's he's formed in his uh let's see i would say

he looks like a because you're native to clodenheim winter fred he looks like a familiar kind of elf um i'll insight check dc10 for you specifically winter fred i botched again and this time i'm gonna blame you i'm to start using my own dice because this is ridiculous. But it doesn't matter. I got a six. Can I ask him a question, Dan? Yeah, absolutely. Who or what did this to you?

And also, I have a follow-up. Oh, yes, of course. I was just trying to see what would happen if I touched the forbidden tree oh so how come that didn't happen to you I wonder how

do you know what year it is oh he tells you it is the year here's where you're gonna get it on reddit dan it is it is the year uh 423 fedra uh-huh and does that in relation with what we what we know the year to be let's see what we know that you're to be.

Let's see. Ronnie and Winifred do a history check. These are the two characters in the party who actually are aware of time. These are the two characters, or no, let's, Dr. Uwe, you would get to do this too. These are questions from Clottenheim folks who are familiar with Elven history, which is the three of you.

Ronnie, Dr. Uid, and Winifred. Roll a history check. Nine. Eleven, man. Okay. Twelve. Would you go, Winifred? Nine?

Mm-hmm. All you guys know is it sounds like a long time ago in elf time. But all three of you are like the elves in Clottenheim, not sure. Ronnie, you're

a drow, a half drow, and you're kind of like, this is an above the surface elf thing, not a underdark elf thing. I don't know. Dr. Uwud, you're like, oh, I'm familiar with the Elves of Klottenheim. That sounds like it's at least a thousand years off or something. Wow.

Where are you from? Winifred, you're... Dr. Uwud, I would say especially, you're kind of like, oh, something's off about it, Dr. Uwit, I would say especially, you're kind of like, oh, something's off about it, though. 423 and Fedra, neither of them sound right, somehow. Where are you from? I'm from Vendaria. What's your name, friend? What do you call yourself? Lucas. Lucas, what do you call yourself lucas

lucas what were you doing here oh i i'm sorry i live in the village just inside city walls okay so this so i'm trying to remember the history of this just in game the vendaria the town the city was in the Feywild for like thousands of years or something so do prior to that was it not was it in regular it was here in regular Clottenheim

and then it went to the Feywild and everybody was undead and it went to the Feywild and is this guy undead he does not appear to be undead okay so we it's possible that he lived in the village pre-vendaria going to the farewell he's been petrified for the entire time that it went to the it feels kind of like he was petrified before the city was overtaken with liches yeah we got we got a lot of updates for you my friend trump is president

i wasn't kidding. Can we just give him a brief overview? Yeah, you kind of give him an overview and you just see his eyes kind of get wide, then they glaze over, then he shakes it off. This is a lot. How can this be true? He kind of pushes past all of you to look at

the hallway. His eyes get big again as he's looking. He clearly is spooked by the pale green light, the petrified tree he sees down the hallway. None of this seems right. Why was that tree forbidden, Lucas? It's magical.

I just wanted to see. I'm just starting out as a member of the guard, and I wanted to make sure that they weren't keeping secrets from me. The captain's always lying. Do you know? You're human? What is happening? we brought him up to speed, right? He kind of gets, you brought him up to speed generally, but like, I would say it's hard for him to take in. Uh,

he, he failed a wisdom saving throw. So he, he, he kind of looking a little, Hey, you're very far in the future. I'm sorry to tell you.

Uh, and a lot of bad stuff has happened. Uh, we were trying to undo some of the bad stuff. So that's our plan. We have two great adventurers with us. You may have, well,

I guess you wouldn't have heard of them, but perhaps you dreamt of them in your long slumber. We have Lord Queep and the great professor, Dr. Uwud with us. Lord Queep? So we, no idea.

I'm just trying to make it sound good for this guy so he knows that we were in the middle we have very important people with us of course say that my my thanks and gratitude for saving me i i if so much time has passed i wonder what has happened to my family or oh they probably might yeah i wouldn't worry about it. They might be alive but undead. I'm not sure what the timeline was of the whole thing happening. Either way, write them off. Doesn't sound great. Yeah, it doesn't sound

promising for me. I wonder if my home still exists or... Are you familiar with the castle, Lucas? I'm familiar with the castle from when I knew the castle. Yes. Who was the king or the leader when you were alive?

Eldrin III. Does that mean anything to any of us? Yes. Do we do a history check or something on that um i would say dr uid you would know eldrin the third was a king from about 100 years ago 100 years ago huh yes i would i would if this guy's been a tree for a hundred years, he's been a tree for thousands of years, but became a tree a hundred years before the city went to the Feywild for thousands of years. Oh, a lot of layers here. Yeah.

Explains all the baby Hitlers. But he follows a calendar that is largely out of use that Vin Beria stopped using about 50 years ago. This is all going to make a great book. Well, Lucas, maybe you should travel with us for now. Oh, are you headed towards danger? I'd like to think I'm brave, but my confidence is shaken a bit. Yeah, we're going to kill the Lich King. What?

Well, again... Oh, right. Yes. You said that Lich... Yes, sorry. I'm just kind of dealing with the whole all my friends are dead situation. Yes. Yeah, that happens.

That's part of the job, buddy. Very well. I will do my best to accompany. He reaches and he pulls out this very wimpy-looking short sword and raises it to the sky and is like, As a cadet of the Vendarian Guard, I am at your service. Can I use lesser restoration as, like, therapy for, like, PTSD? Can I just, like just give him a quick like

unfortunately I think what he's experiencing is rattled him to the core I know I just want to maybe the friar can give him can the friar give him a blessing or something or hook him up with his god for a couple of minutes

can I cast mending on his brain that's what I was hoping we could do nope mending is not for internal organs's what I was hoping we could do. Nope. Mending is not for internal organs, as has been discussed at length in many a D&D forum. It does feel like your wounds should be able to cure psychic wounds. I'm looking through. Unfortunately, that's why they divide things into, like,

charisma, wisdom, and constitution, and this is more of a wisdom situation. You're thinking of PTSD and D. Anyway, we'll have to find out if this petrified gentleman will make it or not in the wild world

of Vendaria present tense on the next episode of Nerd Poker. Hey, Sam. Sam. It looks like you went to a milwaukee brewers game but um if you caught any of the episode what do you think happened i'll tell you guys i think we're still creeping around a castle but after looking at dan's map i think we're by the denny's on the 101 by the netflix building we're checking doors with guidance and we hear something squishy i hope it's not throat bugs uh the second door has moaning. I hope it's not Bjork.

We found an old tree once beautiful. We realized how much we need a lockpick kit. We found a petrified elf with an old fork. I also haven't heard oop and oop since I lived in St. Paul. We're softening them up. We got a sleeping bag and some coins and our thought out buddy

has been frozen for a long long time or petrified for a very long time and finally i wanted to say sarah did you you mentioned foley in this episode i thought of you guys recently my girlfriend loves everything spooky much like everyone in this group uh and gore movies and she was unfamiliar with the term foley so i showed her this little documentary that takes place at skywalker ranch where they're doing all this stuff and instead of enriching her experience I think I just ruined her life the other day we went and saw it's the great new horror movie Justin long so to the be barbarians by real

wins are barbarian and there was a particularly grotesque great part with somebody's bones shattered and everyone in the theater went, and she just turned to me and she goes, so it's just celery? And I just ruined her life. Probably, yes. They use real legs for that. Dan, anything you want to plug, my friend? Sure.

If you guys are in the Los Angeles area, my monthly show, My Friends Kill, is at the Glendale Room on Tuesday, October 4th. Yes. It is the first Tuesday of every month. This month, we will have Sarah Schaefer, Derek Brown, Super Agarwal, and lots of fun folks.

Please come by. And Chicago, you guys, Chicago, please come see me at the Lincoln Lodge where I'll be headlining and doing an hour with some of my local friends. There will be two shows on October 21st and 22nd. Grab those tickets in advance.

Helps me out tremendously. And hopefully I will see y'alls at one of those places. I've got a bunch of stuff. BrianPersane.com, tour dates throughout the end of the year. Only a handful. I'm going about one place a month. This

month, I'm going two dates. I've got Richmond, Virginia around the 20th, and then the 29th, I've got one show in Albuquerque, where I just will be singing the Weird Al song, Albuquerque, to fill an hour. I'm going to sing it how many times I can sing it in an hour of comedy.

We'll see. I'll do one really fast. Call him Guinness. Yep. And then other things coming up,ramento in december and then arlington draft house with in guyo belem out in arlington virginia in the dc area coming up in around thanksgiving so that's that and all those comic books i've got a book called rifters coming out i've got a halloween book called halloween party with a

scotch mctiernan the new character that we did for the 420 book uh i have yeah a book uh called uh grommets coming out with me and uh rick remender on image so just listen here or go to my website and shop at comic book shops. Buy physical things that you can hold in your hand. A belaying? What's going to happen next week on Nerd Poker? We attribute the success to save mankind. Thanks for joining us on this episode.

You got walls and a roof? Well... On the next Nerd Poker, Sarah unlocks a key. Or was it? Chris uncovers a clue. Or were they? Ken discovers a secret. Or can she?

Dan unearths a message. Or did it? Brian eats some tater tots. Or Ida. All this and Sam switches brains with Ramen who immediately takes off we gotta go get Ramen so we can switch our brains back so Sam can do that

on the next Nerd Poker Thanks for listening to another episode of Nerd Poker. You can follow us at patreon.com slash nerdpoker, and you get bonus episodes from there. And you can also send us anything at P.O. Box 16069, Encino, California, 91416. Thanks for listening. Spin the clock