Nerd Poker - S5E12 Eerie Shortcuts

Episode Date: October 11, 2022

Realizing it's in their best interest to keep a low profile, our crew sneaks through the castle-city's walls, the undead army's ranks mostly missing as they spread throughout the realm in search of other heroes. Surely, sneaking through a largely abandoned undead army wall won't include any untoward surprises! For merch, social media, and more be sure to head to nerdpokerpod.com. And for 3 bonus episodes a month and more, subscribe to our Patreon at patreon.com/nerdpoker.  

Hey everybody, I'm Brian Poussin, comedian, writer, actor, nerd. I've been playing D&D with my friends for a long time. I decided to do a new podcast where we play Dungeons & Dragons in my very own dining room with my wife, kid, and my noisy dogs. So meet my friends Sarah, Kev, Dan, Lee, Chris. Now it's time for another episode of Brian Poussin's Nerd Poker. Hey, it's Billy.

Season 5. Hey, everyone. Brian Poussin here. Where are you? And who are you? Who, who, who, who? Dan's here. We're recording episode 12, by the way, of Nerd Poker.

I talk real fast. Yeah, that's okay. How are you, Ken? What's going on? I'm good. I'm good. How are you? Let's jump in. Sarah's here. Hi. How are you? Alright, alright. You gonna storm the castle?

Alright. Have fun doing it. What do I do? Yeah, well, I mean, that's what we're doing. Yes. Chris. Yeah, well, I mean, that's what we're doing. Yes. Chris. Hi, Brian. In a purple room. How are you, my friend? You know, just drawn with my purple crayon. Right on.

Blaine is here. Couldn't respond faster, Brian. What's up, Blaine? Hey. Sam is here, our producer. Hello, sweet children of mine.

Where's Roman? He pooped during the break so now he's back asleep. His day's done. He's up. He's eating and pooping. Pooping takes a lot out of you. We'll be right back. Try again tomorrow. Dan, you want to thank some people? Yeah, not only do I want to thank some people,

I want to congratulate a couple months worth of our drawing winners. We're a little bit behind due to whoopsie doodles and me taking a couple of weeks off to have construction workers repair my foundation. So I want to go ahead and congratulate Zen Smoke. Congratulations, Zen Smoke. And our second winner. Congratulations, Dog Poker, the podcast based off the painting where Ramen, Licky, and Mavis play D&D. Congratulations, entire Dog Poker joke. off the painting where ramen licky and Mavis play D&D congratulations entire dog poker joke I

hope both the setup and the punchline are excited to receive your drawing stuff I'll listen to that after that of course comes our classic Dan thanks to patreon supporters at our hey

boss and stargoyle tears moment thank you Manfred Manthrax. Thank you, NerdyGirl13. Thank you, Justin Millam. Thank you, Matthew Arnold. Thank you, TensorsGifts.

Thank you, Daft Cronk, The Record Spinning Economy. I get it. Thank you, Jack Ransom. Thank you, Moose from Jersey. Thank you, Rather Be Napping. Brian, is that you supporting your own podcast? Thank you, Joe Beck. Thank you, Amanda Bird. Thank you, Mike Cribier. Thank you, Mike Cribier, who I met in San Diego when I opened for Brian. Thank you, Mr. Edward, the sparkly vampire horse that talks. I get it. Thank you,

Beezlebubba Gump Shrimp Company. I get that. Thank you, Nathan Plunkett. Thank you, Joshua Stone. Thank you, Matt Carter. Thank you, Craig Willis. And finally, thank you, Sean Trill. I get it. You're a real person.

Blaine, who are those Patreon supporters brought to us by? Patreon supporters brought to us by NosePick from Waterpik. Get in there. Get it out with NosePick. Clorox Toothpaste. Get your teeth and tongue and gums and throat and uvula. TheyPick. Clorox Toothpaste. Get your teeth and tongue and gums and throat and uvula. They're white as Clorox Toothpaste. Not for use with Listerine Ammonia Strips.

And Dick Tape. Keep your dick from flopping around with Dick Tape. Just a thing for graduation, job interviews, field sobriety tests, church, Dick Tape contests, and more. Tape your dick down with Dick Tape. Dick Tape from the makers of Tooth and Bouncer and Ass Cock. Dan? I think I heard most of that joke,

but I started spiraling after I imagined a Listerine strip on my uvula. Then it was really difficult to hear the rest of the joke or whitening my uvula. That was a good place to tune out. By the way, I don't sleep all the time because i want to it's because of the blood pressure medication that i have that keeps me from dying uh but cool let's make fun of it for 10 more years uh hey by the way uh i uh i got some uh some stuff from austin one of our regular listeners out there, and pay me this gold frap and his lady. See, Lou, they did a 80s Christmas.

Merry Christmas from 1986. But they gave me a whole little thing and some cash for the show. And pay me this little normally talks to us. But this is from see Lou. Oh, no, this from Opal. Yeah. Opal. Yeah, Opal Giesemer, but Impavidius' lady. So translated from Dwarven, her native language.

Good morrow, nerd poker. In the past, Impavidius has passed along my regards, but on this occasion, I wanted to send along my own well wishes, for I am the frugal and terrifying opal of which you have heard so much i deeply appreciate all the mentions you make of me and your speeches i've heard them replayed by stage actors at the nearby inn and pay with this is enclosing a gratuity with which to ensure you continue making merry and passing along that joy to your fans i wish you a swift death when your time comes opal he is

sober uh plus also in their campaign it's impavidious cold wrap see lou zorl or zory no zorl and hatana and avani uh thanks you guys out there in Austin. Came to my show at a place I just played the first time and probably not going to go back to that place. Brian, they can hear you. We're on the air. But thanks. Let's get

into the game. Yeah, thanks, you guys. Thank you. Yeah, absolutely. And reminder to our cast, if there is ever a joke that you don't want on the air because you found it upsetting, please just let me and Sam know and we'll make sure that... No, it's okay. It's okay.

I do fall asleep and yes, it's funny that the old guy falls asleep a lot, but some of it is because that's what the medication does to me oh well and to be clear i always have empathy for it i take amlodipine for hypertension every morning and i just did a cardiologist stress test where i was on a treadmill for forever so i totally totally fell asleep on the treadmill yeah and then i like flew like across the room and hit

a wall like like wiley coy Coyote. It was weird. He was like, stop. Let me text Jane to stop this crazy thing. I just got to get rid of my tits and the weight ball that I carry around. I'll take them. I'll give him a good home.

Maybe change his name once you adopt him, though, Blaine. Chris Holmes from Wasp already signed it, but you can have my left tit, Blaine. Oh, okay. Get that tattooed. A-S-A-P. Or T, I mean. Property of Blaine Capaccio, and then his phone number. So, time to talk about what happened last time on the nerd poker

our heroes went down a hallway listened to some doors had dan tried to describe where the doors were and then make a make a map that was mostly inoffensive until he pointed his finger down the hallway and started moving it in and out of the hallway several times, and then imaginations ran wild. Eventually, our heroes decided upon the quietest of the three doors to open, found a petrified elf, unpetrified him via dispel magic, and realized he was petrified. Thousands of years ago, his time.

And at least a hundred years ago, our hero's time. Making for quite a sticky wicket. He raised his guard's cadet sword mightily to the sky. With all the bravery of a 17-year-old boy who was in way over his head. of a 17 year old boy who is in way over his head we now take you to the not cast away cuties not ice five already in progress

so uh yes this gentleman named lucas has has taken up your offer of helping you i would say at this point you would all kind of go like oh he ain't level 11 um and um

yeah you know he he did tell you in addition to just like oh i'll help i'll go he he implied he knew things about the city at least way back in the day so you could not just get like might but information from him hey dan can i ask a quick question uh it's been bothering me since the last episode that thing that i broke off of the petrified tree that i still have on my person is that going to be a problem or do i feel it's a problem after he said that he touched the tree passive insight i would say you kind of turn it over in your hand now and you're like well it seems completely black unlike the sprout that came out if i would have touched this sprout i would have been power like petrified perhaps passive insight you're like

better that i have a dead piece than touching a live piece got it do i uh can i can i hold the piece up to him and say uh uh do you think this is going to be a problem or can i use this to carve a belt so threatening is this what petrifies you yeah petrified i'll throw in that you tell him it's from the tree and then he looks and notices and he says oh this is this is not how it used to look at all. It seems dead in your hand. Okay. I will cast it aside then, if that's okay.

Absolutely. Lucas, you said you were from the city? There's a city inside the castle? Oh, pardon me. This may be a cultural difference. Vendaria is both a city and a castle. We simply build walls in order to communicate to, you know, other races that we are a mighty city. And that's all.

You know, I want to say like there's around a million elves inside the walls. So it's large and out of respect for the population. We call it a castle. We call it a city. We call it a country sometimes. We get it all kind of mixed up because honestly we just think of

how important our culture is and how important it is to offer it to the rest of Clottenheim. Hmm. Yeah, that's done. Oh. Yeah, that's done. Oh. Yeah, you offered it, and now you've got it taken over the rest of the world. Undead versions of your people.

So what you're saying is what I thought was a healthy amount of pride has turned to rotten hubris. Indeed. Whoopsie doodle? Tales old as time my friend beauty and the beast so um yeah like he's he seems like oh the tree used to be this magical forbidden tree that the guards would walk past your baby told not to touch the blossoms he was like oh i got a magical talisman I'm going to put in my pocket

and I'm going to touch the blossom and just to prove my strengths to a couple of my buddies who've been making fun of me lately for being a wimp. And that's the last thing I remember. But what was the talisman? He had a magical talisman.

It was diamond shaped, but made of steel. Is it the thing in the pouch? I don't believe you've opened the pouch yet. Queep was about to, I think. Queep? What's that? Sorry. Did you open the pouch?

Yes. And what was it? It was... What was it? Dice. Runic dice. Oh, that's right. So, are these yours? Can you ask him if this is his stuff yeah what's going on what are these dice do

is this stuff in the corner yours huh is the stuff that was in the corner there yours oh it looks like it was mine it's it's in bad shape yeah what's been there for a long is the talisman here um you show him the dice and he says, oh, yes, talisman for every occasion. You detect no magic from these things. Who gave you these talismans? One of the other guards. And they said that it would protect you from... From different types of magic, divination, transmutation, necromancy.

Each dice protects from a different kind of magic. He sold it to me for 10 gold pieces. I didn't protect you. You should talk to him and get that money back a thousand years ago. Maybe I used the wrong talisman. I don't understand. These are dice. Your beans aren't magic, my friend. I'm sorry.

I'm a freshman. Do you sell any elevator passes to this building with only stairs? I'm just... Dan, you said when we came in, it was a statue and then some stuff was folded in the corner, including his clothes. Is this petrified elf just standing there naked? No, he's wearing simple guards armor. The clothes, once they were unfolded by a creep,

they've revealed to be a cloak. Just a cloak, okay. Like an adventurer's outdoor sleeping bag that you think may have used to have been in a pouch or something, but were removed and folded up in the corner for him. Also, now that you're getting all this information, if fabric is super stiff, in a pouch or something but were removed and folded up in the corner for him also like now

that you're getting all this information looking at if fabric is super stiff on the cloak in the adventure bag it's pretty useless you think if you were to try to like put the cloak on neither of them seem magic like like they would just fall apart it's just elastic in his underpants this does all crumbly pretty much socks are all like loose other other than the golden sheen silverware and the dice set itself not much of it even the pouch the dice is in as you open it up to look at the dice it starts to crumble yeah i mean we're bringing we're inviting this guy to come with us but he's actually he's originally from the culture that this is like a complicated cultural dynamic. We got colonialism.

We got a bunch of weird stuff going on here now. Is he going to come fight his people with us now? Don't worry. If you're worried about there being too much lore to keep track of while I'm around, I can simply not talk about it. All right. Well, off we go i guess well winifred i was thinking he could at least you know he knows the layout yeah no that that's true for sure i just wonder if he's going to freeze up and turn on us when he's faced with a oh he will be killed pretty quickly that's hey can you uh can you can maybe we ask him to take us to uh where he thinks we could get to uh

like the the palace or the you know take us to your leader kind of thing like where would the where would the the castle in this yeah the throne room in this giant castle oh Oh, I see. I see. So, if we were to head down this hallway and make a turn at the forbidden tree, if you were to make a left, you would head towards the God's Tower. The Eastern God's Tower is probably still a barracks there. It's a very complex barracks. The lower floors, of course, are for infantry and frontline soldiers. The upper floors are for wizards and warlocks. And then if you head right, eventually there will be both a door to the inner city where I live. And then if you continue very, very far along the walls, it's a little complicated. Sometimes

you have to go through rooms. Sometimes you might have to go through passages. You'll eventually get to the king's keep. Although I understand the king is now someone named Vuxen and is undead and is not the same King Eldrin III that I remember. Great, can you take us there? If he keeps his throne room in the same place, his keep is just follow the passage right and twist and turns, try to keep your bearing north.

That's all. Well, it looks like you're coming with us, right? So you can lead the way. Yay. You all seem alternately very excited and assuming I'm going to die very soon. So I... We'll see what we

can do. Yeah, the whole time you guys talk to him, he doesn't say much. Bunk is just kind of tugging at his collar and going like, ooh, boy, ooh. Bunk, you don't get no respect? Is that what's going on? Oh, I get plenty of

respect. I'm just kind of wincing at how painful his situation is. What, the one with his wife? They were both making love the other night. Nothing was happening. I said, what's the matter? Can't you think of anyone

either? Oh, it's all of a sudden Dr. Wood looks really sweaty and seems like he's tugging at a necktie. What's happening? Absolutely no respect whatsoever. Reminds me of this Dr. Vinny Boombots. Have you ever gotten a dinner?

What happened with Dr. Vinny Boombots? No, I'm wondering, do you have anything? Last time you went to Dr. Vinny Boombots? Oh, yeah. He said, Dr. Hurst, when I do this, and I gave him some cortisone, clear it right up. So I got nothing. Well,

should we head to the right? Head north? You guys get back in the hallway. Of course, there is a room with quiet squishy noises and a room with quiet moaning

that you will walk past as you head back towards the forbidden tree and you make a right at the forbidden tree and continue down the hallway yes yes please who broke the branch off of that thing me

and you're fine I'm fine yeah I threw it away too, just in case. But there was a green sprout underneath it that popped out and I did not, did not touch it. It's like dead on the outside, but yeah, it's dormant. So, but just don't touch the green sprouts. Okay. Unless we want something bad to happen.

Yeah. Maybe it sounded as though the monsters patrol this castle. Maybe one of the monsters patrolled this castle. Maybe one of those monsters will touch the thing. As you approach the Forbidden Tree and kind of like step over the blackened, petrified roots to walk to the north, to the right, you all notice the branch where the branch was broken off by Dr. Uid a few minutes ago. where the branch was broken off by Dr. Uwud a few minutes ago. Now, coming out of the blackened base of the branch,

there is a small green branch with smaller yellow branches beginning to pull out of it and a large glowing pink blossom at the end. It is not good. Can we ask Lucas, is this what it looked like when you were here? Yes, unfortunately. Can I hit it with a fire blast with a little produced flame?

Yeah, absolutely. Roll to attack. Everybody get ready to run, you guys. Shit. Sarah just made a face that I haven't ever seen her make. I got a 14 plus 7. That's a 21. Yeah, it was definitely

a shock. Was there any question what podcast you were listening to? If so, that question has been answered. Please roll your damage, Blaine. Whee! I wasn't here when Blaine lit up that kid, but I feel like I did it first.

We're trying to sneak around, and he's just like, just for no reason, I said this bedroom might be fine. I got two points of damage on that. Oh, good. I just wanted to stop it before it grew any further. I was just trying to cause it.

The branch that has blossomed remains, there are little flecks of ash on it you can see it you did burn off sort of superficial parts of the new branch but there's still a bright green branch underneath the ashes and now the pink uh glowing flower begins to pulse brightly with scarlet red oh Oh, that's... Get out of here. Yeah, run. You jog north. No, we're running.

Okay, you run north. Y'all do kind of like, at least one of you probably looks behind you over your shoulder to see what happens right sure can we run away from an explosion like this yeah uh no explosions but the at the as you get farther away you notice the light seems to be pulsing and there's just this scarlet red light that is fighting against the green glowing sconces, almost like an ambulance that's getting closer. Even though you're running away,

it just gets brighter and brighter. You don't hear anything. Unusually. You don't see anything other than the light, but you definitely are like, Oh, this would, this would maybe be blinding.

If we were next to the tree, you get pretty far down this Holly. It's very quiet, very quiet until, you know, we'll say like about five minutes go by. There's been a lot of doors, but you've been running past them. I'm going to say you could as fast as possible. So after after five minutes, you guys run past about 20 doors.

And then I would say you'd instinctively slow down. You see a big door on the right, big wooden double door. instinctively slow down you see a big door on the right big wooden double door the the frame of the door is covered in mushrooms and strange fungal material all of it pink this this continues and patches over the door all across the floor and up the next wall a little bit a couple a couple of small pink toadstools on the ceiling um only small portions of the next wall a little bit. A couple of small pink toadstools on the ceiling. Only small portions of the left wall have not been completely covered with these glowing pink mushrooms.

Lucas kind of stops and says, I have no idea what that... I mean, everything looks so unfamiliar in a strange way, but this is the same passage I've taken before. It just all looks so unfamiliar in a strange way, but this is the same passage I've taken before. It just all looks so different. Blaine, you want to run up and eat those mushrooms? Yeah, I'm thinking about it. I was waiting for the pizza guy to get here.

Hey, could we easily jump over it, do you think? No. How far would we have to go to get across the mushrooms about 30 feet oh it's like a field it's a small hallway

about 5 feet wide and you know these double doors loom large over the small hallway and just this just mushroom just like completely splattering blocked there's like a glowing pink portion of the hallway that goes about 30 feet and you can see it ends after about 30 feet there's there are to the left wall well there's a small stripe that is not covered in mushrooms

so is it we like want to try to scooch that way can we um it's only on the wall the floor is completely covered um can uh bunk can you teleport or can you only do it up or could you teleport to the other side of this and see

what it looks like um great question let me pause and think about exactly how far I can teleport and how far this is because that is a very mechanical question wouldn't you know

I could potentially fly people over your wings would be hitting the walls this is not this is unfortunately not very fly friendly so he has a psi powered leap uh he can tell he he gains a flying speed equal to twice his walking so he can he can basically leap 50 feet

um okay that's good that's a good leap and so he's like yeah I think I can do this I've got to take a few steps backwards and whoop over it hopefully I won't brush against the sides of the ceiling. Well,

I guess, I mean, I guess the only advantage to doing that is just to see, is there a way around it or something that we can do? So I don't want to make you do it if there's no real reason to. He raises a hand and says, worry not. I have seen worse in my day.

Let's, uh, let's all cover our mouths and noses with a scarf or a cloth or something. So, he takes a few steps back and with a burst of his own pink magic,

very different from the pink glow of the mushrooms for what it's worth, pink, pink, pink. He leaps across as he does. He doesn't necessarily seem to touch any mushrooms however the wind of him jumping ever so subtly rattles some of them and this like cloud of pink spores envelops uh the air he calls out from the other side. I think I'm fine.

Nasty cloud behind me, though. Mm-hmm. Is there like a... Do you see any way around this? On that side, is there a door? Maybe like a side way that we could get around? Or no? Indeed, there are doors on either side. And I remember back where you are,

there are doors on either side. I think we could potentially get around it. I think whatever's on the other side of that door is pretty fungal though. I could also just burn the hallway if ultimately it comes to that.

Yeah, it doesn't seem to be like any sort of magical weird thing. It just seems to be organic. Well, the pink sp spores we might not want to breathe those in if you set them all on fire probably stand back and just let the fire consume it right yeah is there a door is there a way to get out of the hall out of the smoke like is one of these doors behind us perhaps not completely covered that we could yeah they're definitely yeah i mean like even where you're standing right now there's a door on your left i would think instinctively you're like okay

whatever chamber room building that fungal double door leads to is large so it's it's likely if i try to go around to the right ahem if you try to go around to the right you may still have to get around more fungus but uh you do think okay if i go around to the right, you may still have to get around more fungus. But you do think, okay, if I go around to the left, through one of the left doors, maybe I can go outside, walk through a series of chambers. Okay. And Lucas does, as you talk about it, Lucas is like, yeah, I remember where we basically, there's no fungus supposed to be off to the right. I'm trying to make his voice different than Bunk. But if we go to the left, there is, let's see, food stores and a sort of dinner hall. I think if we cut through a kitchen, we should be able to eventually get around this portion of the hallway.

Yeah, let's try that. Good work, Lucas. Okay, Bunk, we're going to try to cut through. You can come back if you want, but it might be safer just to sit tight on the other side. Very well, I shall. Lucas walks up to the first door and he's like, yes, I think this is it.

I think he, just without even thinking about it grabs the door hinge and says it's locked can't open it no nothing seems to happen but i think you are you all kind of wince after how careful you've been um okay well we don't have to check it for traps now uh so but i will try to pick the lock, I guess. Or do you want to knock it? With your, uh, diner's club card? Well, I might as well try picking it because it doesn't make any noise first, but it is disadvantaged. So I'm unlikely to be able to do it. I'll give you guidance.

Okay. And rolling for guidance and so one on the guy so 13 okay yeah you uh kind of it pops simple mundane lock okay i open the door great inside it's very dark and musty it seems no one has been inside this room for quite a few years unsurprising given that you're in a castle full of undead elves and this was formerly a dining hall you're not sure what they eat but it's probably very different you kind of look around the room there is what looks like a moldering

pile of mummified carcasses in one corner but all furniture has been completely cleared out thick dust on the wall on the floor and off to the right Lucas points and says yeah

the kitchen is that way why is he nervous why is he like that it's very shocking for him to see everything so different all right let's keep let's keep moving before the spores follow us in here yeah all right you walk through the dust uh yeah uh it's you think you're all very aware of how creepy it is do you shut the door behind you yes yes please it's very dark um i know a couple of you do not have dark vision um i can cast light on uh like let's say i cast light on my do i have a shield i do i'll cast light on my shield great a number of as you cast light on your shield number of bright white spiders skitter away from all of you across the floor and ceiling they don't appear very large but the whiteness of them seems alien you start heading off to the north the the east, to try to get to the kitchen.

And there is another door. It is a wooden door. And it is, again, locked. Lucas is shivering from the dissonance of the way this room used to look. He tells you all, this dining hall used to be full of life and celebration. The soldiers would often meet here with civilians and their families and enjoy elaborate dinners. There was no tables or chairs

left. Do a persuasion check. 20. Oh. uh 20 oh he he takes a few deep breaths you can tell he visibly stops shaking and he pats you on the back it's a good hug yep the door is locked in front of you. You can tell because as soon as he's done with the hug, Lucas bravely walks up to the door. No, no, we're stopping him before he's touching any of our doors. I think it's locked. I think it's locked. We're stopping him before.

We have to tell him that anything can be trapped, so don't touch anything. We'll check it. Chuckie Trappy, Chuckie Trappy. Yes, enough whoopsie doodles for a lifetime over here. So, yes, Queep, please investigation check as you said first, I think. Well, that's a four. So I'm sure I don't find

any traps. Seems like a great door. Wow, awesome. I will not open it and let somebody else check for traps. Each time an individual tries, yes. Yeah, I was going to say, I feel like you'd be confident that you checked it. Probably, that's how it works. Exactly, and so

yes, Dr. Ewig can do it. However, it would be with a... He would have this feeling of like, oh, but Queep told me it's fine that would make it harder for him to find something so please roll the dc has gone up it was formerly at uh 15 it is now higher uh it's 15 do i get a plus on that for anything no i don't know it's your it's your uh what's light of home

investigation oh my investigation investigation oh investigation is plus so 18 aha uh despite a moment of that there's nothing wrong with this you kind of like poke around in there with a a small uh we'll just say led laser flashlight a little a little spoon from your adventuring bag you kind of there's like a large chunk of wax that falls out of it and um there's a loud noise and um you hear a crank rang inside the door good thing we didn't know you're not sure what you're not sure what happened but you all heard noise and you hear a crank rang inside the door. Good thing we didn't open that. You're not sure what happened but you all heard a very loud mechanical

like crank rang inside the door. So does that mean he already set off the trap and it's okay to open? I think so. It's been sprung. Yeah. Let's just kick it open because if whatever made that noise is already hearing noises.

I can use my mage hand to open the door. Okay. It's locked. Stand back. Oh, okay. Well, now I have to sleight of hand, I guess, try to open it with disadvantage still. You're going to try to pick the lock?

I guess, yeah. What else am I going to do? Your disguise kit. I'll give you guidance thank you remind me what you're using from your disguise kit a hairpin got it oh shitty nose sorry i botched one of them and it's with disadvantage so there's no way okay um roll a dexterity saving throw i botched my deck save i'm telling you dnd but plus six but yeah i don't know if saves have the same uh botch quality because i do have a plus six to my deck saves uh roll a 100 please i'm telling you don't you feel like i've rolled a lot of ones on dnd beyond it doesn't feel like this is another switch to your dice. I did, and then I switched back because I was like, eh, it's fine. Roll low. You like the pain?

Well, I just figured I was being paranoid. The dice are the selling thing for me. Yeah, me too. I do like how they add the stuff automatically. I rolled a seven. Good. Okay. Yeah, you went high on a hundred roll. me too i roll i do like how they add the stuff automatically i rolled a seven good okay yeah so just a second for just a second um you kind of like put your shoulder between the light that is being cast from fryer jolly and the keyhole so it kind of goes into shadow but you confidently

stick your hairpin in and your fingertip just kind of glides right into the large iron keyhole on the wooden door for just a second as a large contraption goes clang clang the hairpin snaps in half a little shard of it flying backwards out of your hand, and the tip of your finger gets cut. You take one point of damage. You've got drops of blood coming off of your fingertip. And we also saw it. Mm-hmm.

Can we just kick this fucker down? Yeah, let's kick it down. Yeah, kick it, and if it doesn't work, then I can use knock, but it will be loud. What about... Oh, never mind. You're a mighty... Winifred, insight check. That is a 19.

Oh, you would be able to tell knock would not be any louder than the trap that is inside this door that's been clanging off. Oh. Well, then you might as well. Okay, I'm going to give it a shot, too. I would ask that you guys

try to break it down first, because it will take a spell slot, which we might need, right? Okay. Well, it sounds like Ronnie stepped up to the plate as first to smash through the door, so, Brian, please, by all means, tell us how you're doing it and roll a strength check well do you want me to try a slight hand first or just immediately throw my

that is up that is up to you but brian you would have seen winifred almost lose a finger trying to pick the lock okay all right i'm gonna just smash it great let's get a straight strength check and tell us kind of like how you're hitting the door because i think the it's clear this door is trapped and it'll affect what happens this first one no go okay what did you roll i rolled it two and then plus two how did you try to knock the door down physically uh i threw my shoulder into it. It sets off the contraption. It doesn't hurt, but you see Ronnie kind of slams a shoulder into the door

and you hear the clang clang go off inside it when he hits it. It takes no damage. Okay, so I'll just do another hit. All right, I cast knock. Loud popping noise. It noise probably unlocked

need a hand probably open it it cracks open nothing we want to toss one of our NPCs in first to make sure that nothing's gonna gonna mooly

him up yeah Lucas is immediately like like stepping towards it like he should just go right in do it nothing's gonna gonna mooly him up yeah Lucas is immediately like stepping towards it like he should just go right in do it reach and clear no I link arms with him you stop him oh right we're being safe

the room is dark Friar Jolly's light begins to shine in it tables looks like some large cabinets and chests all covered The room is dark. Friar Jolly's light begins to shine in it. Tables. Looks like some large cabinets and chests all covered in cobwebs and dust like the dining hall. Let's keep moving. Let's move in. Okay. As you all walk in, you notice there is a large cabinet in the corner to your right that is glowing green.

Out of the corners, it seems something inside of it is glowing green the rest of the room is completely dark dusty and does not appear to have anything of interest however you see there are large uh chef's tables cutting boards ovens grills and on the far side the north side of the room, there is another door, and Lucas points to it and says, if we go through there, there is a storeroom that will go into another hallway

that will go back to the hallway that we were in and where Bunk is waiting for us. Covered in mushrooms. And something's glowing green? Yeah, I want to investigate that uh go check out the green green the jammy box let's get an investigation check from all of us um well i'm saying queep set it first what i like to do when we're

investigating a smaller object is have someone lead and then more people can do it but you're losing insight as you go so So investigation checks get more. 17. There is something magic that has been purposely put inside this cabinet. It is a large armoire sized cabinet. It's obviously not an armoire because it's not holding clothes in a kitchen. You think it was originally designed to keep dry food in and it has been repurposed to contain something magic there is a small keyhole you

think there is a solid chance this thing is locked magically or mundanely and um i would say just based off of the glow and that check you're hesitant to actually touch the cabinet i don't want to is the glow similar to the lanterns the ghost lanterns we've found no no the ghost lanterns were this um very efficient pale green that that you know lit the chamber this is this pulsing bright more yellow green now it's a it's a it's a armoire full of blossoms. And not the good kind that were on ABC. My and Bob, you guys. Once on an episode of Nerd Poker on Patreon.

Make sure you subscribe. So we're just going to ignore it? No. Well. Well, we could try and pick the lock and use your mage hand from a distance in case it is some sort of poisonous thing

do we want what's in there don't know do we have detect evil do we have uh no I don't believe so do we have uh no I don't believe so in fifth edition detect good and evil is more about

if it's from the celestial plane or the abyss nine hells kind of thing the door was trapped so it suggests this might be of value let's get this door open maybe if everybody can shield themselves I can have the

mage hand try to open it first and see. Maybe we can unlock it first. Can we get to the far side of the room or something? Mm-hmm. Sure. Well, okay. Well, in order to... First, you should check it for traps. I'm going to go to the Dilbert of the room. Who wants to check for traps? Who has the

best... Who's the best job? Who's in trap check investigation? That's what that check was. Oh, got it. You could check it closer and try to touch it, but you'd have to touch it to get more out of it. We have to unlock the lock.

I can try to... Oh, I'm sorry. I lost my one hairpin. Yeah, Queep, if you'd like, you can tell listeners and your friends here what it would sound like. Queep warning everybody from touching the cabinet. Don't touch the cabinet. Kakala

Kakaluli. We have to touch it to unlock it. So, right? Kakala careful. Unless I want to use the knock spell. Cock-a-doodle-doo, careful. Unless I'd use knock again, sure. Do you use knock?

I mean, I'm running low. We're going to have to rest up or I'm going to lose all my spell cards. I'll try to slide a hand. I'll try to pick it. I'll give Ronnie guidance. Great. Ronnie, are you going to use something just like a cutlery to try to pick the lock? Yeah. No, like I have...

Yeah, I'm going to use my... Gold silverware? My silverware, yeah. You have to do with disadvantage is the thing because we don't have a used kit. Yeah, if you don't have thieves, it's cool. Everybody would have to do that though, Brian. Go ahead and roll, but sleight of hand with disadvantage.

Yeah, it is plus four. Plus a d4. Roll twice, take the lower number, and then roll a d4. Did you roll the d4 for guidance yet? Oh, d4. Yeah. This roll brought to you by Pretzleys.

Twist them up, Pretzleys. Yeah, 11. Wait, no, wait. It was already an 11. You had to at least roll a 1. No, no, no. That was the total. That's what it would have been. Yeah, yeah. With the 4. If I rolled a 4, I rolled a 4. You feel like you almost get it, Ronnie. With four. If I rolled a four, I rolled a four. You feel like you almost get it, Ronnie.

Like, the confidence instilled in you from Friar Jolly, you've got your fork in there trying to pop it open. But you take five minutes and your wrist starts cramping up. You can try it again, but it just gets tougher.

I'm going to try again. I have the best. Yeah, you want to go again? I have just gets tougher. I'm going to try again. I have the best. You want to go again? I have a plus two. I have a plus six. Go ahead. Winnie. You know what it means if she has a plus six to sleight of hand?

She's been picking your pockets the entire campaign. What the fuck? Where's my stuff? I'm going to try a real actual physical die this time and see if it helps. I need a place to put my stuff. Thank you. Your stuff. It didn't help.

It didn't help at all. When we hopefully someday start playing in person again, it's all physical dice. I enjoy using digital dice for convenience, but the joy of being in person again. It's all physical dice. Like I enjoy using physical or digital dice for convenience, but the joy of being in person, I will. Yeah,

I didn't. It's a five. So even it's, it seems like there's just like an extra layer to this lock that makes it hard to pick. Damn this. I can cast. I can cast knock.

I am losing all my, my spell slots, but I'll try and pick it too. Okay. The DC has gone up twice now, just so you know. That's alright. It's at disadvantage, right? Mm-hmm.

Oh, that's too bad. Oh, what's on the other side? That was not really good. Never mind. It's a confounding situation. Everybody is trying to pick this lock but um as you as you continue to pick at it there are scrapes inside of the metal device that make it harder and harder to

grip with your various tools whatever cast mending on it to at least repair it oh if you do that i will lower the dc to the original i will do that i will cast mending to repair the lock there you go there you go the lock is repaired uh still disadvantage but again winifred you do have the highest sleight of hand if you want to try one more time um okay last time guidance another finger awesome okay so i rolled a 14 for both plus okay so so uh with my um i forgot my to add my sleight of hand but it doesn't even matter for the last one so uh 21 nice wow you you managed to take your hairpin and deftly move around the ancient bits of rusty crumbling iron on this lock

and you hear a series of clicks. The cabinet is now unlocked. Open the cabinet. Get ready to go hiding. Yeah, we're getting behind the thing. We're using the Mage Hand to open the cabinet. You all duck behind a chef's table and take your various shields and hold them in front of you.

As the door opens, you all see across the kitchen, there is a small glass terrarium about a foot wide with a dome top and a wooden bottom. Floating inside of it is a glowing green brain that is pulsing with bright yellow-green light. It seems to be glitching in and out of existence, but it is growing back and forth by about an inch as it pulses with light. It floats suspended inside the terrarium.

What the... Who the... Where? Wow. And we eat this? With a friend. Can you rub it on my scalp? Do you have the ability to send a message to that thing can you communicate with that thing I replace my brain with it oh nice

I point at the brain and I say hello who's this guy I say hello where am I oh no it's complicated. Who are you?

Let's start there. I'm Luke. Thank you. Thank you very much. I am King Eldrin the third. Oh shit. Oh my God. Now,

if you don't mind, I'm tired of being interrogated. Where am I? Lucas, it's your buddy. Just a moment. Okay, I tell... Things are not as they seem. Okay, I message him and I say, we've discovered you.

It seems you've been imprisoned. What's the last thing you remember? you it seems you've been imprisoned what's the last thing you remember last thing I remember is being asleep in my bed chamber and a knocking at the door

and who was it a jar okay hold please hold please Hold please Okay, and I guess we're gonna have to Go over this with each other To just figure out how we want to deal with this brain

Sure, we still got a couple minutes left in the episode What would you like to say? Just let him know Should we ask Lucas Like, hey Lucas What was sort of the story? The vibe, like what was his deal? Was he like a kind ruler? Was he like the kind of guy that would was sort of the story? The vibe? Like, what was his deal?

Was he like a kind ruler? Yeah. Was he like the kind of guy that would freak out if he was just a brain? He was a firm and just ruler. He definitely was a ruler that focused on justice and meeting justice. on justice and meeting justice. So, you know, to join the royal guard was an honor to be a

part of the crystal fist of King Eldrin III. That's not good. Crystal fist, you say? Yes. By the way, I once saw crystal fist open for, and then he trails off trying to think.

It's been too long since I've been to a live show so should I tell him do we think if he's just okay uh do we have a mirror can you see anything what do you see right now your grace everything is

dark take my blindfold off unbind me. I say you seem to have been imprisoned. You're I was going to say essence, but that's not right.

You're soul. Brain. You're a brain in a jar. For someone who makes a living with her words, I'm finding this very difficult. He's a brain in a jar. Why don't you tell them what a great actor you are and how everybody loves you? Continue, I'm a patient ruler.

Do you think that will help? It will probably to know he's in good hands. I am a performer. I have just entered the wide world and we found all manner of intriguing things. And one of those things is that we have found you and you are, I need to put this plainly. You are a brain inside a jar.

Do a persuasion check. Persuade him or not. He's a brain in a jar um i strum on my lute and tell you that it's a 22 you needed a 20 so um he there's a long pause while he processes the information very much like against his will. You can tell he's like, just, it's a very pregnant pause.

And, uh, he responds, um, how can I be freed? Uh, that is a wonderful question. And,

uh, we are doing our best to free the world from, uh, under the thumb of this evil lich who has overtaken, uh, and, and perhaps now again with the history, do we know you can run it all by,

we'll give you the fast forward. Like, Oh yeah. You tell him. Yeah. But I'm just wondering, like, did he know, is it the same guy who in prison who would have done this to him

who then took over valix or whatever oh you think there might have been and even talking lucas yeah there was you know it was long ago enough there might have even been a ruler between eldren the third and and right and yeah valix so we don't know but uh we are happy to add this to our to-do list um as we work our way through this dread castle if you'd like for now we can just close you back up or we can't carry this thing with us right it's like oh it's floating. It is suspended in the air. The terrarium looks like it probably weighs about two pounds tops. Oh, okay. But it is glass.

Well, would you prefer that we leave you here and return for you? Do you kind of describe to him that it's a dystopian castle now and that he's in a kitchen, which is very unbecoming, et cetera? First, we're going to procure some bubble wrap. He says, I don't care how you do it. Locate my body and take it to it as soon as possible. I didn't hear the magic word and would love to. Do you say that? Yes.

I'll let you roll that. Not re-roll. I'll let you keep the rollover 22 persuasion from earlier into this. And he's like, ugh, ugh, please. Thank you. And yes, we will do our best. And sir, I will write a sonnet about your adventures, both pre and post brain once this is all done. And we'll have to find out what that writing process will be like on the next episode of Nerd Poker.

Sam, what do you think happened? All right. Episode 12. We learned how our petrified friend became as such. He might join us on our mission. He is going to join us. Did we light the tree on fire? Why ask?

Yes. Did it immediately start growing in a bad way because of our actions? Why ask? Yes. Bunk delicately filled the air with spores. We made it to the dining hall with a very nervous Lucas. We used our lucky spoon to mess with the new door,

but our lock picking is causing bloody fingers. We're in. There's something glowing green. We're going to try and pick our way in to its case but it's proving difficult. It's open and it's a brain in a jar. It's a brain that was once a king. It's a brain that was once Lucas's king. This guy is giving a lot of commands for someone who

is just a brain. Beautiful. Love it. Nice. Dan? Nice job but anything you want to plug oh thank you uh it was a fun episode uh for me also the the the thing i'm saying y'all if you want if you want to hear me the creator of the floating brain do stand-up comedy in chicago please october 21st 22nd the, the Lincoln Lodge, thelincolnlodge.com. My pinned tweet. Whichever you like, please get tickets in advance. That is what I am

plugging, Brian. Cool. I've got the middle of October. Well, till the end of October, I'm going to be in the first time or my first time there, Richmond, Virginia. And then I think I've got three dates there

brianpussain.com for tour dates and then the 29th of albuquerque again i will be performing uh the song albuquerque by weird al not really but i'll be doing stand-up uh in a theater there in albuquerque uh i've got sacramento coming up i've got um arlington virginia and then the holidays i'm gonna fuck off that's what i'm gonna do um um and then uh you know all those comics coming out rifters grommets look for them in your stores and order them when you can. Uh, Blaine? We attribute the success to save mankind from the dead.

Thanks for joining us on this episode. You got walls and a roof? Well... On the next Nerd Poker, they go to a wedding reception. They just didn't know where to sit. They check on the chart for their seating. It said they were right next to Yo-Yo Ma, a fantastic cellist. Google Yo-Yo Ma, he's a

fantastic cellist. On the next Nerd Poker. Thanks for listening to another episode of Nerd Poker. You can follow us at patreon.com slash nerdpoker and you get bonus episodes from there. And you can also send us anything at P.O. Box 16069 Encino, California, 91416. Thanks for listening.